#but it kinda makes me depressed knowing im already on two antidepressants but i still have panic attacks

[pavusdorian]

sure love feeling anxiety like hell yeah brain hit me with that amazing panic attack

[albatris]

ik this is probably an inappropriate question to ask but i deal with stpd and just recently discovered this. Previously thought it was just depression/anxiety but ive been on like 7 antidepressants/2 of which were more geared towards anxiety. I was wondering if you take any meds or have any advice you might recommend. Id really appreciate it. Im running out of ideas lol.( Sorry to bother and thank you)

nah you’re all good, I don’t have any problem with questions like this n I’m happy to share any experiences of mine that people might find useful!! though in this case idk how much help I’ll be, sorry D:

mostly about meds but my bad for goin on a whole ramble in the middle about therapy?? I talk a lot and have trouble staying on topic

'cause meds n therapy both have been useful to me but both probably would've been pretty useless without the other

under cut for personal rambles

so I was in the same boat as you for several years, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety and then borderline later on, way way way before anyone landed on schizotypal

as such I’ve been obviously dealing with stpd symptoms for basically my whole life but I only got diagnosed early last year n it’s the first time I’ve been. like. actually in any sort of therapy that addresses it properly and I’m still getting a feel for it

in terms of meds, I’ve been on a whole slew of different antidepressants, didn’t find one that worked until I was maybe 18 or 19? so I’ve been on the highest dose mirtazapine since then....... helps with that kinda baseline anxiety background hum, helps with obsessions and guilt spirals..... I didn’t think it did much for depression until I tried coming off it??

like, it gave me a slight boost in terms of energy and motivation, not a huge one, but definitely noticeable once it was gone

but yeah, it was kinda..... yeah, this med is about as helpful as I’m gonna get, so I decided to stick with it. I recently have considered coming off it ‘cause the sedation was a nightmare, but that’s on hold for the time being

I’ve been on two different antipsychotics, first quetiapine, which did absolutely nothing and was even more sedating on top of the mirtazapine, and currently I’m starting on aripiprazole. still on a super low dose, but working up to something that will hopefully ease some psychotic symptoms. side effects of insomnia and nausea but eased off mostly after the first week

but yeah, I haven’t really had much experience with antipsychotics or how helpful they are yet, atm I’m gonna wait and see whether there’s any real positive effects

but meds are super hard to give advice about, ‘cause different ones work for different folks, what works for me might not for you, what works for you might be something I tried and hated, etc etc etc, y’know

honestly the most helpful thing for me has been therapy, I’ve pretty much been in therapy since I was like 5 and I’ve done a lot of it

meds might be helpful to some people on their own but for me I think they would have been mainly useless without some form of therapy

meds kinda helped with some of the “edges” ie, the resulting depression and anxiety of the personality disorder, hopefully will help with some psychotic symptoms too, therapy has also helped with some of these issues on the edges, and I’m currently addressing some of the more specifically schizotypal core issues, although I will likely have to continue doing the work on those issues for most of my life

if you have a good doctor who listens to you, if you want to continue trying out meds then you might still find one that helps you out! I don’t really have a lot of advice here, because the effects can be so different from person to person. but I’ve found that meds only help on a really small scale, they kind of take a little bit of the weight off but it’s still a whole lot of heavy lifting on my own

so therapy was real good for some of that stuff too, skills for easing some of the load. therapy for me involved Other People, but for others it could involve other resources, such as online workbooks n that kind of thing....... ‘cause I know personally for me I fuckin HATE meeting new people and having to bare my soul for them, so therapy gets. interesting

and I know therapy is not realistic for some folks (and also not what this question was about but I’m just rambling now)

n I know especially that that shit gets fucking HARD when any sort of psychosis and paranoia is involved, in terms of stpd, I flat out refused to speak about certain symptoms with professionals due to paranoia and fear, and had a lot of issues trying to come into a therapy environment and immediately having complete strangers be like “ok tell me about what’s up”

like, no???? fuck off?? I don’t even know you??

n until recently all my therapies where only tangentially useful as a schizotypal, like, I did a bunch of social anxiety stuff which helped with some of the surface level day-to-day social anxiety (not so much the more deep-seated stpd social anxiety, that whole “it gets worse the closer you get to people” type, very fun), I did a lot of work around depression and suicidal urges and goals and meaningful living and whatnot, I did DBT which also encompassed a lot of work on interpersonal skills and handling dissociation and paranoia

n like. some of it was helpful? none of it got to the core of the issue or addressed what I really needed to address

I got super lucky with my current psychiatrist in that she was someone I already knew for around a year and a half beforehand ‘cause she helped out in my DBT group therapy. so I was able to get a feel for what kind of person she was beforehand and got to find my feet in trusting her in a more distanced context before entering one on one therapy. she also specialises in personality disorders and was the one who actually diagnosed me so it wasn’t like she was like “oh you’re definitely schizotypal, I’m gonna just pan you off to someone more experienced now” which was nice

she’s also the one who’s helping me out with meds currently

but ya, therapy can be A Lot, ‘specially for schizotypals who tend to isolate and get uncomfy in those vulnerable scenarios. in order to make the most out of it I have to practice an extremely uncomfortable sort of “radical openness” which is like..... well, I’ve spent most of my life being miserable and unhappy and feeling trapped and stuck in these patterns, and this has gotten me nowhere, in order for something to change I need to be radically open about my experiences

which gets HARD because the knee-jerk reaction to paranoia and delusions is often to pull back and isolate, and often I’ve struggled with the idea that it’s not “safe” to speak about certain things or that something bad will happen if I do

so it’s difficult, but I have to continually commit myself to being open and placing myself in intensely uncomfortable scenarios, getting used to the idea of trust being An Action, and practicing trust even when I don’t necessarily Feel It

that’s been a really helpful outlook for me and the only thing that’s kept me involved with therapy and meds and treatment. idk if it’ll be useful to others. I also know that some therapists and psychiatrists are shit and being radically open with the wrong people can be a nightmare

but it’s something that applies in my other relationships too and with my relationship to myself, so. *shrug emoji*

but yeah. that’s been what’s helpful for me

meds do a little bit of the work, but honestly I still have to pull a fuckload of the weight on my own, I kinda got to the point with meds where I was just like “ok this is obviously as good as it’s gonna get” and just stuck with it......... which is kind of a bummer of an answer

ik that kinda turned into a whole unrelated ramble in the middle there but I hope this kinda answers a bit of your question maybe or maybe not ‘cause I don’t really know what I’m doing

but also

I hope you have a nice day

[derangedroyalfae]

Jan 16, 2019 as of 7:15AM

4:05AM

So around probably 8-9PM, I completely crashed. I had been tearing up my room looking for my really pretty eyepatch since I wanted to wear it for a project, but I couldn’t find it at all. I looked everywhere and several times, even my bathroom got overturned a bunch, but alas, nothing. At some point, while I was checking my bed area, I just kinda crawled up to think/out of frustration.

I’m highly considering dropping my astronomy class just until the next semester or so. I know the more classes I put off, the longer I’ll have to stay, but I have my list of which classes are available over Summer and/or Fall. It just feels like it might be a bit much and throws my schedule weirdly. It’s my Saturday class and my late class on Wednesdays, and I don’t like staying in this city after dark. I should wait until I can safely get to and from without inconveniencing someone else.

So the fact that this week, I had two occurrences where I experienced insomnia and yet was still energetic reminded me of how my original psychiatrist was concerned that I had bipolar/manic depression, so that is a sign of mania. It’s almost like my Zoloft/antidepressant counteracted/overturned those symptoms. I remember that the psych who substituted for my newer psych while she was on medical leave told me that Zoloft has a habit of making people sleepy and thus was surprised that I took it in the morning.

I’m not saying I have bipolar, by the way. I was never diagnosed and don’t think my symptoms were severe enough anyway. I suspected cyclothymic over manic depression. But I started new medicine pretty much right off the bat with my psych and there are a lot of symptoms of mania that are incredibly similar to ADHD, so it was hard to track.

I don’t want to get out of bed, to be honest, just want to sleep in.

5:55AM

So as I’ve just screwed myself into a corner, I either have to get ready super fast or pay someone to drive me directly to school.

6:55AM

I realized as I got on the bus that I forgot my normal headphones at home, but I luckily have some spare headphones in my bag for such occurrences. They’re crappy/decent and not wireless, but I use them mainly to communicate to my fellow strangers that I 1. Am not looking for conversation 2. Probably don’t hear you.

So I think I’ve officially decided that I’m dropping my astronomy classes for this semester. The lab is every Wednesday until 7PM and the lecture is on Saturdays. It just was a heavy workload and an inconvenient schedule when I can’t drive myself.

7:05AM

AHHHHHHHHFUCKINGDAMMITTTTTTTTTTT

...I accidentally dropped my psych class too...

I’m just gonna have to tell the professor of my stupidity when I see her today, let her know it was purely by accident and I had indeed been enrolled (so I’ll probably be on the roster since they usually print it the day before).

Just how, Royal?

Im still peeved with the whole eyepatch thing. I have no clue where it could have gone unless it somehow got loss out in the world (how I’m not sure) or it got thrown away by accidentally being too close to garbage and I picked it up with said garbage not seeing it and threw them out together. I suppose I can always buy a new one, but I really shouldn’t have to, nor am I in a position to spend money. Haven’t I screwed myself already in that field? Unless I start camming regularly (and have paid back Kitty for the textbooks she helped me buy), I am not spending money on things that are medical or food.

Riiiight...so perhaps I should get back into my actual serious writing. Something that I will publish and make money off of one day (not like that’s my actual reason for writing, but it’s a plus).