#but it ended up so long......... idk how to make it shorter without skipping key information.......... h

[daz4i]

me: my script is more or less done but i found these cool details i kinda wanna add in. i'll add it as a quick sentence maybe bc i'm already very tight with the time

me, two 7 line paragraphs later: ah :/

[stillness-in-green]

Sorry if this question rubs you the wrong way, but wouldn't going out of their way to try to help villains to the absolute extreme that you propose be a bit suicidal? I feel like trying to talk no jutsu criminals like Moonfish who's a serial killing canibal, or Muscular who doesn't have any actual reason for commiting violence against others other than he enjoys it, would end up getting people hurt or worse.

Idk, maybe my perception is skewed because my country has problems with the justice system being too lenient with criminals, but then striking hard against honest folk.

Like, let's say heroes try to talk to Muscular about his feelings and stuff, and he just beats them to death. So should they arrest him and take him to jail now, or should they respond "understandable, have a nice day" and let him carry on with his rampage and try to talk no jutsu him the next day?

I’ve had enough exchanges with you, rvg, to assume you don’t mean it this way, but I gotta say, this is an incredibly fallacious way to frame the “talk to Villains” discussion.  I wrote two responses to this, first a characteristically long and rambly response which you and anyone else who’s interested are free to read below the cut.  The second response is much shorter and is here above the cut, if only for those readers who think it’s a waste of time to try and give a sincere answer to what reads like deliberate reductiveness—though again, I don’t think that’s your intent.

Here is my model version of how Heroes should engage with Villains:

Step One: Heroes should put in a basic, good faith effort to defuse and de-escalate every Villain encounter they have with the tools and knowledge they have available; the ideal result is that the Villain will choose on their own to stop presenting a danger to the public.      

Step Two: If that is not feasible for some reason, or if it is ineffective, then the Heroes should make all possible efforts to arrest the Villain with the minimal possible harm.      

Step Three: If there is an immediate threat to the lives of bystanders and there is absolutely no way the Heroes can come up with to stop the Villain non-lethally, then there should, afterwards, be an investigation into the death of the Villain and all Heroes who were involved should have to face questions about their role in the situation and their decision to use lethal force.  Measures should then be implemented to help prevent the situation from arising again in the future.  A Hero killing someone should by default be treated as a punishable failure, not a victory.

That’s it!  That’s all there is to it!  Try talking first, then try arresting, and if killing is truly the only way, be ready to explain why.  That step-by-step should be the standard, and if there are going to be deviations from it, they should be exceptionally well-justified by both the characters and the narrative.  If that’s not the standard, then I think it’s a key thing we need to see the protagonists confronting and changing.

Hero Society is obviously in the not-the-standard camp: most of the Heroes spend most of the series jumping straight to Step Two, totally skipping Step One; there are then multiple instances of Step Three being botched completely, with non-lethal tactics being discarded or ignored and lethal force being accepted without question or resistance.  By the end of the series, a tiny handful of Heroes are now hesitantly attempting what should have been their very first go-to, Step One, but their prior reliance on Steps Two and Three make the Villains much more resistant than they might have otherwise been, which reenforces the push towards lethal force in a society that will still not enforce any consequences for it.

This would all be more forgivable if not for the way BNHA positions its Heroes, as lawful defenders of the status quo in a basically modern version of Japan—i.e. they’re cops but the story either doesn’t want to saddle them with the responsibilities real cops would have or else Horikoshi has some alarming views that treat said responsibilities as bothersome administrative red tape.

Therein is my fundamental complaint: BNHA makes the choice to frame its Heroes as being basically specialized police but then disregards or attempts to minimize how that framing colors the Heroes actions’ and decisions, especially with regard to the Villains.  My thoughts on what the Heroes “should” be doing are nothing more than taking that framing (Heroes = cops) to its logical conclusion and asking the story to treat the Heroes accordingly.

Below the jump, find the longer version of this answer, which contains more picking apart of the ask’s premise, more references to the canon and to real life, and an extended discussion about the non-Hero institutions in BNHA that are in some way responsible for Villains and what Heroes’ obligations are re: those institutions.  It is, in other words, the version of this answer that’s 4000 words long instead of 500.  Reminder that it was the version of this answer that was written first, so pardon any recycled phrasing or reiterated rhetoric.

I’ll just start by re-pasting the question…

What I think is that there is a lot of air between “beating up Villains while being more concerned about the news camera catching your good side than you are about talking to the human being you’re pummeling” and “trying to talk to the Villain but just shrugging and letting them carry on if it doesn’t work”.

A perennial response Villain fans get when they talk about this is an exasperated, even outraged, “What, so you’re saying Deku should just let Shigaraki kill him or innocent people?!”  And like, no, that’s not what we’re saying at all, and it’s a really reductive, bad faith characterization of the argument.  So I want to talk first about what Villain fans are saying, and then I’ll circle back to your question about trying to talk no jutsu the really bad news Villains and what Heroes should do if that talk no jutsu fails.

First things first, and to get it out of the way, not all Villains are on the level of Muscular or Moonfish.  For the vast majority of the series, the numeric bulk of Villains are just street criminals.  It would not be a life or death struggle for Kamui Woods and Mount Lady to try and talk down a purse snatcher together.  There is so much room for positive change in how Heroes engage with street-level Villains that just gets glossed over entirely when people want to spin-kick the argument all the way to S-class threats like post-surgery Shigaraki.

Note how handily and briskly Hawks deals with the nudist flasher guy when he’s walking around town with Endeavor—he doesn’t even glance in his direction.  Would it have been so impossibly hard to use his feathers to pin the guy’s coat back together and then cheerfully ask him why he went and did a thing like that?

So just keep that in mind, first of all: for the vast majority of what a Hero does day-to-day, especially the powerful ones who are way up near the top of the rankings, there are options available to them beyond “immediately resort to extreme violence” or “give the Villain a thumbs-up and walk away, whistling to cover the sound of civilian screams.”

But okay, how about with the more dangerous Villains?  Well, the point still stands: multiple heroic characters throughout the manga show themselves to be entirely capable of carrying on a conversation—be it with the Villains or with Hero allies—while fighting.  Mirio is able to temporarily keep ShigAFO talking and distracted by simply asking him a few basic questions; he and Nighteye both are able to get at least some answers out of Overhaul(!) just by asking about his intentions. Ochaco and Toga have coherent conversation every single time they fight.  Hawks and Twice have a whole argument while fighting.  As soon as Shouto can be bothered to talk to Dabi, Dabi’s eager to spill his whole backstory to him.

Shigaraki in particular comes off as desperate to share his grievances practically every time Heroes encounter him, and that only stops being true at the very end—and even there, it might be less true if that green twit fighting him could have been arsed to just fucking ask him, “Hey, last time we fought, when we were in the same headspace, I saw an image of you crying with a dog.  What was up with that?”  Deku doesn’t have to stand there with his hands in the air while asking!  As all the examples cited demonstrate, Heroes are more than able to fight and talk at the same time.  So why don’t they try to make that talk a little more actually useful?

What I’m saying is simply that I would like it if less of that conversation were dedicated to Heroes giving moralizing sermons about how bad and unforgiveable Villains are and a lot more of it were dedicated to Heroes just asking why the Villains are doing what they’re doing, and letting the conversation go from there, fighting defensively and keeping the Villain focused on them as much as they’re capable of doing.  We see the results in the series when Heroes bother trying this—think Deku’s results with Gentle Criminal or Ochaco’s with Toga—so it’s damning that they don’t try it more often.

The likely explanation is that professional heroism as a matter of practice and culture does not tend to bother with de-escalation tactics; after all, while you’re standing there trying to talk to the bank robber, some other Hero could easily be coming in for the take-down, and then they get all the credit and glory and not least the pay.  The whole system is geared towards rewarding fast, uncompromising takedowns, ignoring the possibility of more peaceful, productive resolutions in favor of stopping the Public Disturbance as quickly as possible, because it’s more important to stop random civilians feeling inconvenienced than it is to maybe try addressing a Villain’s issues so they stand down themselves and are less likely to become hardened criminals.

Heck, even Deku really only gets anywhere with Gentle because his first instinct—shutting down the fight right away with a Smash—gets him rebounded off an air trampoline with enough force to knock him back nearly a neighborhood block.  The defensive, evasive nature of Gentle’s power means it’s difficult to hit him directly, and Gentle’s personality was such that he kept talking while Deku was figuring out how to beat him.  That talking was really what gave Deku enough insight to trigger his empathy, so he started returning the conversation in ways that he never did against e.g. Stain, AFO, or in his first fight with Muscular.  He didn’t lead by asking why Gentle was invading his school, though; he just ordered him repeatedly to stop.

Heroes and, in turn, the kids, just don’t default to trying to talk to the Villains.  We see that they can, they’re just not trained to, so it becomes a tactic of last resort, or of distraction, or, finally, as being the result of moments of connection that make them incapable of continuing to ignore the Villains’ humanity.  But when it’s a last resort like that, when they don’t bother asking questions until after the Villains have been pushed past the point of wanting to engage, everything gets so much harder and more dangerous.

Look at Shigaraki and Toga.  When Deku and Ochaco initially encounter them, the kids’ first response is basically just revulsion and terror.  And like, okay, they’re students, newly fledged Hero Course trainees.  They shouldn’t have been facing real life Villains for another two years, at least!  So it’s not surprising that they don’t know what to do and don’t react in the most empathetic manner possible.  I’m not blaming them for that.  But I do want to ask what would have happened if their classes and the Hero culture were more focused on attempting dialogue with Villains.

All Might at USJ writes Shigaraki off as a faker with no real beliefs, and Deku at the mall calls him an incomprehensible cipher, but what if either of them had instead asked Tomura why he was there and what he wanted, then asked follow-up questions from there?  How much earlier might they have found out that Shigaraki had some tragedy in his past that he blamed All Might for not saving him from?  What might finding that out early on have led them to change about how they approached Shigaraki in subsequent encounters?

If Ochaco and Tsuyu had asked Toga why she attacked people, then followed up on whatever answer Toga gave about liking blood with some questions about consent, how much sooner might they have found out that Toga spent her whole life feeling ostracized and repressed because she was convinced by the adults around her that people finding out she craved blood would make her a freak in their eyes?  How might they have engaged with her differently if they realized her parents had been verbally abusing her since she was three years old?

But we also don’t have to stop with U.A. types!  Toga went on the run at only 15—how many times did she have had close scrapes with arrest before the training camp attack?  How many other opportunities were there for someone to talk her down before she made it to the League?  Heck, even all the way to the end, if the green twit hadn’t just insisted on antagonizing Toga one last time for the road—as if he’d learned nothing at all since the mall scene!—how much more easily might Ochaco have been able to engage with her?  Maybe if Toga hadn’t set her mind to embracing Villainy because Deku functionally became yet another person calling her a freak, Ochaco could have gotten to the breakthrough point before Toga stabbed her in the gut?

I’ve been talking about the more sympathetic Villains here so far, but all this goes for the rest of them, too.  Sure, Moonfish is a cannibal serial killer now, but was he always?  Or was there a time when he was just like Toga, a teenager wrestling with quirk-driven hungers who was abused and ostracized for them?  I’ve thought, from time to time, about the idea of a League ageswap AU, where Moonfish is that scared but defiant teenager who’s been pushed over the edge and done something violent, but is not yet past saving.  Conversely, it’s all too easy for me to imagine a Toga who was never captured and never shown any compassion growing into an adult who fully embraced her vampire serial killer reputation and “deviant” hungers to become just as much an alleged monster as Canon Moonfish.

How about Muscular?  Was he always a violent sadist?  Was it impossible that he could have grown up to be anything else?  Could that taste for violence ever have found an outlet other than murder?  Could he have gotten into underground fighting, like Rappa?  Could he have become a Hero like Mirko, always hungry for a better challenge than she’s getting?  Quite frankly, even if Imasuji Gouto was a violent little bully who killed neighborhood pets as a child, he still deserved some kind of intervention—psychological counseling, medication, more acceptable outlets, etc.

How many Villains would HeroAca!Japan be spared if the people in power were more focused on intervention and rehabilitation at every stage of a Villain’s life and career?  Why do Heroes think it’s helpful or necessary to tell everyone in earshot their personal opinion about the unforgivability of their opponents?  Why is it such a problem for some readers when Villain fans point out that a lot of issues could be sidestepped entirely, and the HeroAca world considerably bettered, if the Hero Industry were less focused on showy grandstanding violence, less terrified of the optics of being anything other than maximally harsh on Villains?

That all said, that’s the nuance of what I want when I say I want more talk no jutsu.  But let’s go back to your question—what should Heroes do when they run into Villains who can’t be talked down?

Say that all the interventions and counseling programs have failed, and someone—some mother’s son, some father’s daughter—has grown up to become a Villain.  And not just any Villain, but a really dangerous one.  What do?

Well, I do still want to see Heroes try to talk first, unless they have some reason to believe talking won’t work, like knowledge that knowing that efforts in that direction have already been made and documented in previous encounters between law enforcement and the Villain in question.  There’s also some flex here based on how capable of dragging out an encounter the Heroes on-scene are, and how much danger any bystanders would be in—I would want more effort from someone who can hold their own for long periods like Deku than e.g. Manual.  But like, anyone can yell a few basic questions about motivations to see what sort of response they get.

But say our Hero is up against someone like Muscular, who just laughs off questions like that.  What to do then?

Then arrest him.

Seriously, this is not that complicated.  I’m not asking some run-of-the-mill Hero to get their arms ripped off trying to give battle therapy to Muscular!  But I do want Muscular to get therapy, or at least be offered it, once he’s no longer presenting an immediate threat and those conversations can happen in a safe environment.  And if he doesn’t accept it,[1] I still want him to be treated as humanely as reasonably possible in prison, with the therapy option always on the table if he ever wants to try it.  I also want his prison term (even if it’s for life) to not involve methods of punishment that are considered by the United Nations to constitute torture, like Tartarus’s apparent extended solitary confinement.

1: Perhaps because he would rather rip his own arms off than talk about his feelings or waste any more time getting analyzed by shrinks than he already has; pick your poison based on why and for how long you think he’s been killing people.

I truly do not have any problems, ethically speaking, with Heroes arresting dangerous Villains.  My problem has always been that Hero Society is comprehensively awful in how it treats those who don’t fit neatly into society’s little boxes.  Their social support networks are full of holes, their law enforcement is financially disincentivized from attempting de-escalation, their judicial process is completely invisible, and their prisons are concrete holes that only serve to make people worse, as we can see clearly in the case of people like poor Ending—already unstable when he was first arrested by Endeavor, but so blatantly suicidal when his sentence is up that the literal first thing he does after release is to investigate Endeavor’s personal life so as to find a way to goad Endeavor into killing him.

Now, sure, Heroes are not responsible for prison policies and practices; those are under a completely different part of the criminal justice umbrella.  Nor is it up to them to determine how e.g. financial aid programs or family services work.  But I want Heroes to be better in the ways that they—personally and professionally—can be, and I want them to be cognizant of the flaws in the system they uphold.  I want them to have some basic intellectual curiosity about the Villains they fight—why they turned out like they did, if they can be helped, and what’s going to become of them after the Hero hands them off to the police.

Like, what is All Might’s opinion on Tartarus?  He spent 30+ years fighting for the society that maintains it—does he think or care at all about the fact that some extremely damaged, abused people wind up in there after he gets done beating them up?  And if he doesn’t, what does that say about him?  What would Ochaco have done if Toga had lived and said she’d rather Ochaco kill her than let her go to prison forever?  Does Shouto think now about the family situation of every Villain he fights, or did his ability to care about “some mother’s son” begin and end with his mother’s son?

Obviously, Heroes stop Villains all the time; I’m not asking them to do deep dives into the history and treatment of each and every one.  I just want them to ask the questions they can while the Villain is in front of them, and to care about the state of both the systems that produce Villains and the ones tasked with their care.  I think that when handing people over to state custody, Heroes have a responsibility to be meaningfully confident that the state won’t abuse that custodianship.  If they aren’t—if they truly don’t give a shit about what happens to Villains once the police van door swings closed—then in my view they’re no different than any professional who shirks their duty.

So many people insist that the kids—that Heroes in general—have no duty to care about the Villains, but to me, this view comes off as wildly ignorant about the wide variety of jobs in the real world that do, in fact, confer a duty of care.

If…

…a teacher sees a child with unexplained bruises but doesn’t bother to do their due diligence as a mandatory reporter—

…a prison guard leaves a handcuffed inmate alone in a room with a fellow warden wearing brass knuckles—

…a medic doesn’t speak up when a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor on the plane—

…a bartender just keeps on serving someone who’s obviously intoxicated and then lets them stumble out the door to the parking lot—

—then they are shirking their duty.  There is no shortage out there of examples of this sort of responsibility, one that you can be held legally responsible for, one that you choose to accept when you sign up for the job.

Heroes are not Samaritans doing the work out of the goodness of their hearts; they’re not vigilantes just trying to keep their own patch safe.  They’re government employees, crucial members of the lawful system they represent.  They have to care—not personally, not individually, but on a professional, structural level, they have to care about the people they fight because the system has to care about those people.  And if the system doesn’t care, the system has to be changed.

I'm segueing here into real life stuff, so let me note as a disclaimer that what follows is based on my cultural familiarity with American policies, as well as periodic research into that of other nations. I don't know what country you live in, rvg, so I can hardly speak to its crime-and-punishment situation. This is all a lefty American's opinion on what reading she has done about American, Japanese, and, in the case of this particular post, Scandinavian criminal justice systems.

That said: in real life, de-escalation works.  One of the things you’ll often see talked about in police reform/abolishment circles is that the police are, quite frankly, doing too much work.  Or, more specifically, they’re doing the wrong kind of work, work for which their training has not prepared them and which other groups would be far better suited to handle.

Here’s an article on offering a campus police force de-escalation training and the resulting 26-36% drop in injuries suffered by both civilians and officers; it also talks about how de-escalation tactics are used by SWAT teams but regarded with suspicion by patrol officers, with this quote being particularly telling: “[Special operations] officers were taught to use time, distance and cover to their advantage.  For patrol officers, time was viewed as 'The more time you give a suspect, the more danger you're in.'”  De-escalation is not the usual training patrol officers get, so it runs against their gut feeling, despite its proven effectiveness—compare this to BNHA’s repeated focus on speed in shutting down altercations.

Here’s an article on the results of a test run of a program in Denver, Colorado, in which police officers were completely removed from response teams to 911 calls about situations considered low risk (drug abuse, trespassing, welfare checks, etc); instead, teams of mental health specialists and paramedics were dispatched.  Reports of nonviolent crime dropped 34% over the course of the time the program ran, and the direct financial cost of the response was four times lower than sending police.

The classic dramatic image of this sort of thing is the hostage situation—and when I looked into it, numerous articles said that containment and negotiation tactics have over a 94% chance of resolving hostage crises without fatalities!

The common element in this sort of thing is refraining from showboating displays of force, loud assertions of power and authority, arguments, moralizing, threats, and so forth.  Far more effective is listening, active attempts to communicate and understand, not throwing one's weight around and not rising to aggression even when provoked.

Meanwhile, on the carceral side of things, restorative justice leads to greater satisfaction from both victims and perpetrators, more feeling that they were listened to and respected, and increased belief that justice was served.  While the evidence on its impact on recidivism is mixed, it certainly doesn’t seem to be less effective than traditional retributive justice, and may well be considerably more effective if combined with programs that focus more specifically on lessening recidivism than restorative justice alone (research is ongoing).

This article on how “cushy” Scandinavian prisons are far more effective at reducing recidivism than their much harsher, bleaker American counterparts argues that a crucial factor in reducing recidivism is minimizing the amount of resentment criminals bear towards the system.  When perpetrators can point at unjust or disproportionate punishments, cruel treatment by wardens, rejection by society, etc, it’s much easier to stew on resentment, to turn nastier themselves, to blame outside factors.  Conversely, when life inside prison is made as much like life outside prison as possible with the key difference being the crucial deprivation of freedom, that resentment is defanged, leading to more more self-reflection and willingness to accept responsibility. And again, it works: Norway is a world leader, with their recidivism rate being a mere 20% compared to the U.S.’s nearly 77%.

The studies and the evidence for this stuff is out there, it’s just fighting this huge, ugly uphill battle against people who care far, far more about inflicting punishment than they do actually improving outcomes.  And so much of that is based on cultural values—what people believe, what values they’re taught. That's where pop culture comes in.

That last article I linked above talks about the efforts made in the U.S. to turn prisons into a for-profit industry, and how demonizing criminals to encourage maximum sentences helps that effort; here’s another on how U.S. police departments rehabilitated the popular image of the police in the early part of the 1900s as bumbling fools or a corrupt gang by consulting on the writing of police procedurals, most crucially starting with Dragnet in 1951, but continuing even today.  Here’s one on a growing concern in Japan about the relationship fostered between TV studios and police when police permission and cooperation is required for filming those popular reality TV police documentary programs.

Mass media and pop culture informs this stuff.  True, Horikoshi is not having to get his work cleared by a police PR department to publish it, but you can see from the above how the police have used and do use mass media to polish up their image; they see it as an effective tool to use because it is.  And the closer to our reality a work of fiction is, the more obviously it resembles the world around us, the more it seems to purport to moral instructiveness, the more true that becomes.  That’s why I criticize BNHA much more harshly than any number of other manga or anime I follow where Good Guys Kill Bad Guys all the time and no one thinks twice about it: because those series aren’t parading the Good Guys out as Japanese citizens working with Japanese police under Japanese law to maintain the rosy image of the Japanese status quo.

I’m long past the point where I’m just rambling, so I’ll wind it down here by pointing out this: Horikoshi also thought that things in his world needed to change.  As much as I loathe BNHA’s endgame and think much of its epilogue is trite shoulder-patting pablum that fails to meaningfully address the setting’s real problems, multiple aspects of Hero Society were at least nominally challenged and subsequently changed: citizen inaction, the dominance of professional heroics as a career path, the diminishment of non-Hero careers, quirk-based discrimination.  As a direct result of the main characters’ efforts to address places where the old system was failing people, the incident rate of Villains is decreasing.

The fact that these changes are made provides in itself the evidence that they needed to be made. I think they need to go further still: my number one greivance with the epilogue is that we've seen all these changes aimed at reducing the numbers of Villains that arise in the first place, and that's nice and all, but we don't see any evidence that the Villains that do arise are treated any differently than they ever were, not even the common purse snatchers, much less the serial killers, the cannibals, and the terrorists.

So, should Heroes have to get themselves nearly killed trying to reform a Villain?  Ideally no, but that assumes a world where Heroes are working in concert with a bunch of other people who are also dedicated to preventing, reforming, or rehabilitating Villains.  If none of that other personnel infrastructure exists, then, well, to paraphrase Nedzu, someone has to take the first step.  Why shouldn’t it be the combat-trained professionals with shounen battle stamina who also happen to be the main characters?

[yangrdn]

Destiny

pairing: Mj x Fem!Reader

a/n: hii! I liked writing this- my 1st attempt at writing angst 🤠 i hope u enjoy it too, reblogs and feedback show that you liked our work and morivates writers to do more !!

requested:anonymous: Hi can I have a MJ request? It can be about anything just be like really angsty. Maybe a car accident? idk it’s writers pick ☺️

summary: Regretting your break up came sooner than you thought.

w/c: 3.4k

warnings: hospitals, mentions of a car crash and cheating

my m.list

requests | guidlines

⋙⋘⋙⋘⋙⋘⋙⋘

Your feet drag you out of your apartment the second the words left Peter’s mouth. He had called you and explained to you what happened. Your purse over your shoulder, car keys in one hand and phone shaking in the other.

“What do you mean?” You ask, trying to comprehend. Hot tears fill your eyes the second you hear his words for a second time through the speaker.

“She was in an accident, Y/N. They called her parents already and they’re on their way. I’m with Ned, he’s driving. Just, be safe a-” You couldn’t even listen to him anymore. Your vision turns blurry as sobs escape your lips. Peter sighs and tries to get your attention as he repeats calling your name.

“Y/N! I’m on my way to yours, we’ll drive together.” he says before hanging up and leaving you in the silence of your room. You only nod and lower your phone as you stare ahead of you, remembering what happened only a day ago.

The grin on her face disappears the moment she registered what you said. Your eyes turned glossy and you looked down, trying to hide the fact that you were about to cry.

“What? What did you say?” She came closer to you, in an attempt to take your hand and lock your fingers. You stepped back, back hitting the door behind you and pulling your hand back.

“Mj, you heard me…,” She shakes her head, muttering “no, no..” until she looked up to you again and the tears started spilling out her eyes. You only nod, not being able to drag out any words. You didn’t want to do this, and she knew. But you had to, after what Tony told you, that’s what she didn’t know.

Tony had told you about his job, and about the many times Pepper was in danger because of him. It started off as a normal conversation between him and you. He was just trying to warn you of the dangers of your new job as an almost-avenger.

You had gotten your powers after being bitten by a spider, the same way Peter got his. The only difference: you were better at keeping secrets. That’s why it took Tony almost six months longer to recruit you, after he recruited Peter.

Since Mj didn’t know why you were doing this, she kept asking you why. Pulling you in, but you resisting. Her hands reach to you, only for you to step back, again.

“I promise you, I don’t- I don’t want to do this, Mj. I just,” you looked up and let out a shaky breath,”I’m so, so scared! Please, just understand.” Were the words you let out before turning around, stepping out of her cozy home and walking home.

You weren’t going to forget this night.

And you didn’t. Oh, how much you wish to have stayed and hold her in your arms, telling her that everything was going to be okay and you weren’t going to leave, never.

Instead, you are waiting in front of your front door step for Peter and Ned to pick you up and drive you to the hospital, in which your now ex-girlfriend lay.

You don’t even notice them pulling up after seven minutes of waiting, until a black car honks and pulls you out of your crying state. The window rolls down and Ned waves at you. You quickly get up and sit in the backseat, taking out your phone and scrolling through the messages you got earlier today.

You had tossed your phone against the wall when you came home yesterday and ignored every call and message you got, most of them from Mj, which you now regret more than ever.

Mj 🌺

y didn’t u pick up?

look ik you probably don’t want to talk but at least give me a reason??!

hellooo?

A couple more of her asking for reasons and demanding to know why, two messages from Ned and the last one from Peter, telling you to drive to the hospital. You sniffle, tears threatening to leave your eyes, again, and look out the window at the houses and trees melting away as the car passes them. It was still morning, which is why it was dark. Why was she out this late?, you asked yourself and look at her messages again. She sent her last one at two am.

Mj 🌺

u can’t just do this and leave?

yk what? i’m gonna find out myself

A gasp left your mouth as more tears slipped past your eyes. She was on her way to yours to find out why you broke up. She tried to find out why you ignored her calls and texts and didn’t want to be with her anymore.

“Ned?” You ask quietly when he stops the car in front of the hospital. Peter gets out and opens your door, taking your hand and helping you out. Ned steps out, too, and makes his way to the registration.

“I’m sure she’s fine, they-” before Peter could finish, you jog after Ned and stand next to him. An old lady, hair pulled back in a tight bun, wearing a white coat and tired smile sits in front of you. She glances up at you and then back at the computer screen in front of her.

“We’re here for Mj, she came in an hour ago-” The woman cuts off Peter as she nods.

“You three are related to her in what way?” She wants to know. Ned opens his mouth but shuts it when you’re about to interrupt him.

“Her brother,” you lie and motion with your hand to Ned and back at you. “And I’m her girlfriend.” She looks sceptical at first, as if she knows you’re lying.Then, glancing back at the screen and you, she gives you the floor and room number.

You instantly turn around and make your way to the elevator, the two boys behind you thanking the woman silently and following along with you.

You step out the lift and look at the long, empty hallway in front of you. On each side were big, grey painted doors with small windows. The hallway is empty, except for two nurses who sat behind the reception. There were paintings by kids hung up on the white walls and a long, white lamp luminating the corridor in low lights.

“Number 305, 305, 305,...” you murmur as you make your way past the doors on your right. Peter darts from door to door on your left, whilst Ned is following you and takes a double-look, as you seem to skip over them hastily.

“Guys, guys!” Peter hurries you to the closed door before him and peaks through the small window. You take a sharp intake of breath and grab the door handle swiftly, but you stop yourself.

“Wha- why did you stop?” Ned wonders out loud.

“I think I’m the least person she wants to see right now,” you say through glossy eyes and biteyour bottom lip. Peter scoffs.

“Dude, she wanted to see you. She’s been asking about you non-stop yesterday. The least you could do is go in and be the first one she sees,” he demands and slowly pushes the door open, “and explain,” he narrows his eyes at you and pushes you in, closing the door quietly after stepping in with Ned.

Walking in, you plant your feet at the end of her bed. There was a food try on a small table next to her, with a bouquet of flowers and a small card. You couldn’t make out much of what it read, except for a “get well <3”, which you assume must’ve been from Betty. It resembled her handwriting.

An IV connected to her left arm, that was draped over a white, thin blanket with black spots. The lights were low, but the wide and tall window let in an excessive amount of light, as it was getting brighter outside. The second patient bed in the room was empty and tidied, and the privacy curtains were on one side. The TV next to her head was turned on, silently playing some cartoon she must’ve watched before falling asleep. The room smelled like lemon-cleaner, which made Ned hold his nose before he got used to the new smell.

Her head was draped to one side and her eyes shut. There was a white band around her head and you could see that her hair was a little shorter; They must’ve cut it to attend her wounds, you think. That thought alone made your eyes turn wet again and step away from her. Peter shoves you back to the bed and motions to the girl laying on the bed.

“I can’t, she probably hates me now,” you shake your head as tears threaten to spill again and your hand goes straight to your chest, fisting the fabric on it.

“Y/N, you can’t ju-” There was movement on the bed, which made Ned stop talking. Mj moved her head, slowly opening her eyes. She looks around the room before her eyes settle on you three.

“Wha-” Her voice comes out harsh and croaked. Coughing, she goes on, “What the fuck.”

Ned stifles a laugh but goes back to serious when Peter glares at him. Your friend on the bed moved up again. Peter nudges your shoulder, signaling for you to go and help her. With wide eyes, you stare at him, arguing with your eyes to stay back.

“Wait- Y/N, go help her. I’ll tell the nurse she woke up,” Peter demands as he leaves the room, without sparing you a last glance. Ned leaves with him, silently apologizing and wishing you luck.

You walk to the small TV first, turning it off and moving it away from the bed and replacing it with a chair to sit on. You take the remote next to her bed and push the button for the bed to lift and make it easier for her to sit. She grabs the blanket tight in her fist and lifts her body up to sit straight, you help her and adjust the grey pillow behind her back.

“Uhm, hi,” you whisper, looking anywhere but her face as you sit down. She was confused, a frown sitting on her lips and her eyes squinted at your figure. You didn’t want to face her so soon, even less in such a situation.

“I’m- I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to do and,” you sniffle,, letting out a sigh, your face hiding behind your hands as you rub your temple. “I came to- to see you and ask how you are?” It sounds more like a question leaving lips. You didn’t know how to start the conversation.

“What?” A small laugh leaves her lips, which calms you down. Her laugh and giggles always help you through difficult times and make you feel a kind calmness you only experience with her. She doesn’t seem mad, you think before mentally slapping yourself- she had just woken up from surgery after getting into a car crash because you wouldn’t tell her the truth.

“How do you feel?” You wonder. “Do you remember anything that happened?” She nods and looks down at her hands.

“No, no. This is going so fast. You- you broke up with me, for no reason, and now you’re here saying you’re sorry?” She searched for an answer. Her eyes were boring into you, waiting for a valid answer. She had every right to know, but it was complicated for you to explain.

“I’m-” The door opens and Peter walks in.

“The doctor’s gonna come in to check,” he comments as he sits down on the chair next to the small blue table. Taking out his phone and unblocking it, he starts mindlessly scrolling through it, ignoring you and Mj in front of him.

“Uhm, Pete?” You cough and tilt your head to the side, signaling for him that you weren’t done talking.

“What- Oh,” he whispered as he got up again. “How do you feel?” He walks up to the bed and looks at Mj. She glances at you and back at him, pursing her lips before talking.

“My head kinda hurts, my ribs hurt when I breathe, I can’t sit straight and my girlfriend broke up with me. I feel excellent!” She replies, sarcasm dripping off her voice.

That 's Mj for you. Sarcasm is what gets her through the day, there's not one situation in which she stayed serious. The day she asked you out, she reminded you of how obvious it was that you had a crush on her and that you’re not really good at hiding your flustered state everytime she catches you staring at her in class. Spending more time with her after your first date just proved it for you even further.

Peter lets out a breath and looks at you. “Should I-?” He points to the door and gives it a look. You nod and put your lips into a thin line as he leaves the room slowly, apologizing and closing it quietly.

“I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have done that yesterday. It’s just,” you stop yourself and breath in slowly, stopping yourself from exposing your secret. She doesn’t know about your alter ego. All the times you wanted to tell her, you were too scared she’ll be mad you didn’t tell her sooner or ask why you lied about doing homework and went patrolling instead, facing any danger there was out there waiting for you as if it was nothing.

You were already scared something would happen to her because you told her your secret. And now? Now, she lay in a hospital bed in front of you, with broken ribs and a head wound, because you didn’t tell her about your secret.

“What? What were you gonna say?” She presses. You lean back on the chair, hugging yourself as you stare into her beautiful brown eyes.

“Will you promise to not tell anyone?” You ask, already scared of her reaction.

“Tell anyone what?” She frowns. “If you’re gonna tell me that you lo-”

“I’m Capes,” you blurt out before she can finish her sentence. To your defense, you already knew what she was going to say. Letting her finish would just drag this out longer.

“Capes?” She asks again. You nod and lean forward. Tony picked the name for you. It was simple yet mysterious. Most people think of somebody wearing a cape, who can fly, and is strong. Yes, someone like Superman. This was your disguise: making people think of your abilities as something completely else and not letting them know. This way, they could assume all they want, and never find out your true abilities.

“So, you’re...an avenger?”

“No, well yes, but actually no,” you shake your head and go on,” I fight with P- uh Spider-Man, but we do talk with the avengers and meet them,” you explain.

“And what exactly does this have to do with our relationship? I might have skipped something, but, why did you break up? Because you’re a superhero?”

“Yeah, that’s the whole point.” You shyly smile at her.

“Tony told me about the danger Pepper was in and-”

“Tony Stark?” Her eyes go wide as she clutches the blanket on her stronger. You nod, again.

“Yes, Tony Stark. The internship, remember?” You remind her. You had told her about having an internship with Peter at Stark’s. She supported you through it, always motivating you to do better. She nods and lets you continue.

“Tony told me about the danger Pepper, his wife, had and still has to go through. With the world knowing he’s Iron Man and who he’s married to, they could take her any time or do something to hurt him. I- I didn’t want this to happen to us. It reminded me of you,” you whisper.

“But I guess me not telling you and lying just got you in more danger.” You let out a breathy sad laugh. Her eyes soften when she understands.

Her hand rests limp by her side. You dared to take it and lace your fingers with hers. She glances down to them and back up to you, squeezing your hand lightly and sending you a light smile.

“I- I never knew…” “How? I never told you. I don’t want you to feel bad, it wasn’t your fault. I lied to you. All the times I stayed over at the library? I was on patrol. That one time I told you I was sick? Tony had called me in to try on a new suit. I’m sorry,” you apologize, looking at her with sad eyes.

“I know it wasn’t my fault. It’s just...I never would’ve thought you were the one fighting alongside Peter or that you actually went and saved a little girl and her cat from a fire, instead of arriving to our date on time.”

“Yeah, I know and-” You stop yourself. “What? Peter? What, no,” you laugh nervously, shaking your head repeatedly. How does she know?

“Don’t worry, it didn’t take me that long to find out. At first, I thought you were cheating everytime you and him left at the same time or skipped class together. It hurt, you know? But, after being sceptical for a long time I had enough.” You frown, a pang in your chest at the thought of her thinking you were cheating. You would never, she meant anything to you. Never in a million years would you think about trading her as if she was nothing just for something like a hookup.

“I followed you once and you ran into this, really dark and smelly alley, with Peter behind you,” she whispers. Your heart breaks. “Em, I’d never. I promise, you mean so much to me and I’d never trade what we have for anything else. I regret this so much. I’m so, so fucking sorry. Please,” you whisper and shuffle your chair closer to the bed. Your left hand rests against her cheek, wiping the tear escaping her eyes.

“Are you- Are you still mad?” You ask. “You have every right to be mad, I’m sorry. But I told you my secret and I have to know if you don’t tell anyone because even if we stay apart now, you’d still be in danger if people found out we dated,” you rant and look behind her out the window to calm down.

“Shut up,” she whispers as she comes closer to you, and you scoot closer, too, making it easier for her.

“What do-” She pulls you closer, resting her forehead against yours and breathes in. “I said, shut up,” she murmurs against your lips and pulls you in, pressing her lips against yours and grabs the back of your neck. Your eyes open wide with surprise before flattering close slowly, getting used to the kiss.

She pulls you closer by the neck, her soft lips moving against yours smoothly. You can hear your heartbeat thud with excitement in your own ears. This wasn’t the first time she had kissed you, but you still need to get used to her lips pressed against yours. Your noses bumps against each other, making you pull away awkwardly and look at her rosy cheeks

“Oh.” You turn around to look at the door, Peter and Ned standing there.

“I think this means you guys are good?” You turn back to look at Mj, her loving eyes already staring back at you. You quickly look down, flustered under her gaze.

“Yeah,” you respond and squeeze her hand three times. It was your secret way of saying ‘I love you’ before you came out to the others and were left to say goodbye in front of them.

Peter and Ned sat down on a chair and high fived each other, happy for their two best friends being back together. She looks at you. “Does Ned know?” She whispers your way, only you can hear her. You are taken by surprise. You didn’t expect her to mention your secrets in front of him. “Yeah, he does.”

“By the way, Peter,” She starts. He lifts his head and looks back at her, nodding. “How was it being recruited by Iron Man himself? Fought alongside Thor, yet?” She winks at him. He blushes and snaps his eyes to you, asking why she knows.

“I didn’t tell her:” You shrug and look back at her. “She’s just smart, y’know,” you add.

“Dude!”

⋙⋘⋙⋘⋙⋘⋙⋘

feedbach is appreciated シ

[kweebtrash]

Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

[0225pm]

currently listening to: nothing without you / 10cm please click on the link and give it a listen while reading the english translations of the lyrics because it speaks for me.

yo haha

han is probably not gonna like that i posted that first photo of him and his bird’s nest hair because he thinks it’s ugly but he’ll always sparkle in my eyes hehe.

anyway on this day i decided to run away from responsibilities (i need to find a shorter word or phrase for skipping work other than just “skipping work”) and went to see the doctor at bedok polyclinic.

did you know? bedok polyclinic has moved! after god knows how many years but ya they’ve moved to a new location situated in a building right beside fairprice. i forgot what’s the name of the building. i think heart@bedok or something idk LOL but yay to new facilities and the hospital-like interior! i actually really dig the new place.

ok so the night before i asked han if he can accompany me and he was like sure what time? and i said idk maybe around 2? and he’s like okkkkkk but then he came late anyway but haha forgivable cus i’m forever late also besides, even if he came early we would still have to end up waiting anyway cus even after he arrived, i was still waiting for my number to be called e_____e 

me: so long sia the person at the registration counter say maybe must wait 2-3 hours and told me probably around 4:20pm my number will be called han: ya la everyone today monday blues then want to see doctor cus all never go work me: >____> 

and then he went to the vending machine and bought some drinks and a snack. we decided to sit at the area near the vending machine for awhile before moving over closer to the tv screen thingy where your number will be shown when it’s being called. we sat there for like idk i think 15-20 mins just talking shit and me touching han’s face and neck LOLLLL because his body’s so warm and i was cold af even though i was wearing a pullover, until this lady asked us to move and sit inside.

lady: hi are you still waiting? if waiting you can wait inside. me: oh but my room isn’t in hub A, mine’s hub B.  lady: then you cannot sit here because here only for hub A. me: ?????????? han: ????????  me: oh really ah....... han: duduk sini bayar lain pe (i can’t rly rmbr what he said but i know he sounded annoyed hahahaha damn funny and he even said it loudly wtf gile boi want to carik pasal) me: *stands up* hahahaha let’s go bb there got seats *points to hub B area* (which is fucking just beside hub A LOOLLLLL) han: *moves along with me while still muttering the duduk lain bayar lain thingy*

and then!!!!!

me: bb come sit beside me la *there were two empty seats and i already sat in one) han: *moves his butt* random lady: *sits beside me* me: LOLLLLLLLLL  han:  me: you so slow LOL han:  han: *continued sitting on the arm rest of the sofa couch* me: are you comfortable haha do you want to move? *points to another area of empty chairs* han: i’m ok baby i’m sitting also what here me: um okkkkkk

but lol tbh i wasn’t even complaining bc him sitting on the arm rest thingy actually made me feel so fluffy bc i can grab his arm and smell his old man perfume jacket. idk why la but just holding his arm makes me feel so safe and warm and nice wtf idk how to like describe the feeling but i love it la ok. and then he pat my head hahahaha and i was being so passive aggressive about cus i said smth like it’s r00d but actually i like it wtf bodo sia me *facepalm* then he talked about how it doesn’t matter cus he’ll be paying for my head anyway and i was so confused at this point cus like uh what do you mean paying for my head??? then he explained about the zakat thing and how the man in the fam must pay all. quite interesting bc my parents did talked about zakat thingy before but i don’t really know much about it.

also!!! i’m not tryna like stir beef w old men out there but like i described the perfume as old man bc it smells exactly like the perfume my nose sometimes decide to take a whiff of when i walk past old yalam men going to the mosque. also!!! apparently the perfume is from a small bottle that his grandad gave him/used to use or smth i can’t rmbr clearly sorry this post is like 2 days old my memory is shit i need to learn the mind palace thing!!!

i also saw mustakim and his boyfriend!! at first i was like ooooh who is that familiar person and then i realised it was him but we didn’t acknowledge each other hahhahaha 

///////

ok ya so i went to see the doctor and decided to ask for doxycycline again to help with my acne and bumps. she also prescribed some 2.5% benzoyl peroxide for me though i’m currently tryna steer clear of any acne treatment products at the time being cus my skin is already super dry after washing my face and all those products i dumped on my face to help soothe and relief the pain when my face had a crazy ass breakout party the other time. also apparently you’re supposed to religiously take doxy for like 6 months before you can really see the difference wtf. i’ve been taking them for only a month and then i stopped cus i thought it wasn’t helping at all and the doctor before this that prescribed me doxy the 1st and 2nd time didn’t even tell me such basic info. but ya you’re supposed to take it for about 6 months but some people can see some changes in the period of 3-4 months. then she told me to just come back for monthly visitations and see if there’s any improvement. i should have probably also set an appointment for next month so i don’t have to wait so long for my turn but i didn’t ahhahahahaha

////////

then after more waiting for the collection of the meds, payment and official stamp for my mc, we finally went to eat!!! yayerz

han told me that there was fish n chicks at the coffee shop beside princess and i was like ?????? really???????? omg wow i didn’t know they have an outlet here in the east wah damn near leh!!!!!! so we decided to eat there! i would have taken better photos but nvm la hungry already also hahaha! i got chargrilled chicken with cheese pasta and fries for the sides, and han got black pepper chicken with the same sides. i’m gonna try their popular hawaiian chicken next time cus i saw a photo of it on the internet and it looks frikin delish!!! kinda wish i had ordered that one instead but it’s ok there’s always a next time!

and then we sat there for a really long time, the sun even set and the evening skies started taking over the day. we talked about so many things, mainly about what happened the other time at the hotel (will be in another post!), how cheated he felt when i didn’t wear matching outfits with him on the day we went to afa, how disappointed he was when he knew i wasn’t able to come on the day his mom got married after telling his cousins about me and styling his hair, grooming himself just to see my reaction when he pick me up, and then about NS stuff.

i felt so sorry.  and felt even shittier after he told me that he doesn’t wanna wear or try to initiate wanting to wear anything matchy anymore. but i guess, i understand. he doesn’t really like matching things (kinda sux bc i like it) and when he tried to do it, i ended up just brushing his efforts aside. 

sigh.

i was even more sorry about the day of the marriage. cus it was also our 9th month, an even special day for us. yet everything was ruined when all he wanted was to see me. i wanted to see him too, but circumstances wouldn’t let us. 

but i learnt something through this talk we had.  i’m also glad that he tells me things now without me having to force it out of him. i’m not sure if he realised that he tells me things but i really like that raw and vulnerable side of him when he talk about how he feels. not because it makes me feel like i have authority or whatever, but more so because he trusts me enough to confide and have a h2h talk about whatever he feels displeased with rather than just keep it to himself and letting his true thoughts and feelings consume him from the inside.

also by knowing our mistakes, and the hurt we caused each other because of our actions, we can learn from the mistakes and work things out together to try and prevent the same or similar things from happening again in the future. 

communication is really the key and i’m happy to know that han feels the same because he wants the relationship to go far. damn i’m starting to sound old. or maybe this is part of me adulting in a relationship. 

(to be continued)