#but it did really derail my plans to get some writing done

[avemstella]

Genshin 5.1 Archon Quest Spoiler

I must mention that I did in fact make a full colored (and color coded for different groups!) Khaenri'ah character chart entirely for this joke, for which I knew I would be blurring because there are massive spoilers on it pfft. One day I'll show it off, one day.

Okay, so originally I was going to have a ramble here about my current Natlan thoughts, but well...

uh, yeah haha. Hades 2 has once more consumed my time and brain (oh god the amount of video essays I have in my head for it, good lord). I'm not going to reveal how many hours I've played in this last week, it's embarrassing, but I have kind of burned through the new stuff, so I'll be back on the fic writing grind soon. Also because, despite the distraction and generally how slow its been, I'm quite excited to write it (teaser, there's a Skirkback with some vital lore! Also I just missed Skirk pfft)

Thank you everyone for your patience

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Keeping a suspense file gives you superpowers

I'll be in TUCSON, AZ from November 8-10: I'm the GUEST OF HONOR at the TUSCON SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION.

Two decades ago, I was part of a group of nerds who got really interested in how each other managed to do what we did. The effort was kicked off by Danny O'Brien, who called it "Lifehacking" and I played a small role in getting that term popularized:

https://craphound.com/lifehacksetcon04.txt

While we were all devoted to sharing tips and tricks from our own lives, many of us converged on an outside expert, David Allen, and his bestselling book "Getting Things Done" (GTD, to those in the know):

https://gettingthingsdone.com/

GTD is a collection of relatively simple tactics for coping with, prioritizing, and organizing the things you want to do. Many of the methods relate to organizing your own projects, using a handful of context-based to-do lists (e.g. a list of things to do at the office, at home, while waiting in line, etc). These lists consist of simple tasks. Those tasks are, in turn, derived from another list, of "projects" – things that require more than one task, which can be anything from planning dinner to writing a novel to helping your kid apply to university.

The point of all this list-making isn't to do everything on the lists. While these lists do help you remember what to do next, what they're really good for is deciding what not to do – at all. The promise of GTD is that it will help you consciously choose not to do some of the things you set out to accomplish. This is in contrast to how most of us operate: we have a bunch of things we want to do, and we end up doing the things that are easiest, or at top of mind, even if they're not the most important things.

GTD recognizes that you can be very "productive" (in the sense of getting many things done) and still not do the things that you really wanted to do. You know what this is like: you finish a Sunday with an organized sock-drawer, all your pennies neatly rolled, the trash-can in your car emptied…and no work at all on that novel you're hoping to write.

You can't do everything, but you can control what you don't do, rather than just defaulting into completing a string of trivial, meaningless tasks and leaving the big stuff on the sidelines. Organizing your own tasks and projects is a hugely powerful habit, and one that's made a world of difference to my personal and professional life.

But while good to-do lists can take you very far in life, they have a hard limit: other people. Almost every ambitious thing you want to do involves someone else's contribution. Even the most solitary of projects can be derailed if your tax accountant misses a key email and you end up getting audited or paying a huge penalty.

That's where the other kind of GTD list comes in: the list of things you're waiting for from other people. I used to be assiduous in maintaining this list, but then the pandemic struck and no one was meeting any of their commitments, and I just gave up on it, and never went back…until about a month ago. Returning to these lists (they're sometimes called "suspense files") made me realize how many of the problems – some hugely consequential – in my life could have been avoided if I'd just gone back to this habit earlier.

My suspense file is literally just some lines partway down a text file that lives on my desktop called todo.txt that has all my to-dos as well. Here's some sample entries from my suspense file:

WAITING EMAIL Sean about ENSHITTIIFCATION manuscript deadline 10/24/24 WAITING EMAIL Russ about missing royalty statement 10/12/24 WAITING EMAIL Alice about Christmas vacation hotel 10/8/24 10/20/24 WAITING EMAIL Ted about Sacramento event 8/12/24 9/5/24 10/5/24 10/20/24

WAITING CALL LA County about mosquito abatement 10/25/24 WAITING CALL School attendance officer about London trip 10/18/24

WAITING MONEY EFF reimbusement for taxi to staff retreat $34.98 10/7/24

WAITING SHIPMENT New Neal Stephenson novel from Bookshop.org 10/23/24

This is as simple as things could possibly be! I literally just type "WAITING," then a space, then the category of thing I'm waiting for, then a few specifics, then the date. When I follow up on an item, I add the date of the followup to the end of the line. If I get some details that I might need to reference later (say, a tracking code for a shipment, or a date for an event I'm trying to organize), I'll add that, too, as it comes up. Creating a new entry on this list takes 10-25 seconds. When someone gets back to me, I just delete that line.

That is literally it.

Every day, or sometimes a couple of times a day, I will just run my eyes up and down this list and see if there's anything that's unreasonably overdue, and then I'll send a reminder or make a followup call. In the example above, you can see that I've been chasing Ted about Sacramento for months now (this is a fake entry – no plans to go to Sacto at the moment, sorry):

WAITING EMAIL Ted about Sacramento event 8/12/24 9/5/24 10/5/24 10/20/24

So now I've emailed Ted four times. Maybe my email's going to his spam, and so I could try emailing a friend of Ted and ask them to check whether he's getting my messages. But maybe Ted's trying to send me a message here – he's just not interested in doing the event after all. Or maybe Ted is available, but he's so snowed under that he's in danger of fumbling it, and I need to bring in some help if I want it to happen.

All of these are possibilities, and the fact that I'm tracking this means that I now get to make an active decision: cancel the gig or double down on making sure it happens. Without this list, the gig would just die by default, forgotten by both of us. Maybe that's OK, but I can't tell you how many times I've run into someone who said, "Dammit, I just remembered I was supposed to email you about getting that thing done and I dropped the ball. Shit! I really was looking forward to that. Is it too late now?" Often it is too late. Even if it's not, the work of picking up the pieces and starting over is much more than just following through on the original plan.

Restarting my suspense file made me realize how many of the (often expensive or painful) fumbles I've had since the pandemic were the result of me not noticing that someone else hadn't gotten back to me. In essence, a suspense file is a way for me to manage other people's to-do lists.

Let me unpack that. By "managing other people's to-do lists," I don't mean that I'm deciding for other people what they will and won't do (that would be both weird and gross). I mean that I'm making sure that if someone else fails to do something we were planning together, it's because they decided not to do it, not because they forgot. As GTD teaches us, the real point of a to-do list isn't just helping us remember what to do – it's helping us choose what we're not going to do.

This is not an imposition, it's a kindness. The point of a suspense file isn't to nag others into living up to their commitments, it's to form a network of support among collaborators where we all help one another make those conscious choices about what we're not going to do, rather than having the stuff we really value slip away because we forgot about it.

I have frequent collaborators whom I know to be incapable of juggling too many things at once, and my suspense file has helped me hone my sense of when it would be appropriate to ask them if they want to do something together and when to leave them be. The suspense file helps me dial in how much I rely on each person in my life (relying on someone isn't the same as valuing them – and indeed, one way to value someone is to only rely on them for things they're able to do, rather than putting them in a position of feeling bad for failing you).

Lifehacking gets a bad rap, and justifiably so. Many of the tips that traffick as "lifehacks" are trivial or stupid or both. What's more, too much lifehacking can paint you into a corner where you've hacked any flexibility out of your life:

https://locusmag.com/2017/11/cory-doctorow-how-to-do-everything-lifehacking-considered-harmful/

But ever since Danny coined the term "lifehack," back in 2004, I've been cultivating daily habits that have let me live the life I wanted to live, accomplishing the things I wanted to accomplish. I figured out how to turn daily writing into a habit and now I've written more than 30 books:

https://www.locusmag.com/Features/2009/01/cory-doctorow-writing-in-age-of.html

A daily habit of opening a huge, ever-tweaked collection of tabs has made me smarter about the news, helped me keep tabs on my friends, helped me find fraudsters who were trying to steal my identity, and ensured that all those Kickstarter rewards and other long-delayed, erratic shipments didn't slip through the cracks:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/25/today-in-tabs/#unfucked-rota

Daily habits are superpowers. Once something is a habit, you get it for free. GTD turns on decomposing big, daunting projects into bite-sized, trackable tasks. I have a bunch of spaces around the house – my office, my closet, the junk sheds down the side of the house, our tiki bar – that I used to clean out once or twice a year. Each one was all-day, sweaty, dirty job, and for most of the year, all of those spaces were a dusty, disorganized mess.

A month ago, I added a new daily task: spend five minutes cleaning one space. I did the bar first, and after two weeks, I'd taken down every tchotchke and bottle and polished it, reorganizing the undercounter spaces where things pile up:

https://www.flickr.com/search/?user_id=37996580417%40N01&sort=date-taken-desc&text=tiki+bar&view_all=1

Now I'm working through my office. Ever day, I'm dusting a bookshelf and combing through it for discards to stick in our Little Free Library. Takes less than five minutes most day, and I'll be done in about three weeks, when I'll move on to my closet, then the side of the house, and then back to the bar. A daily short break where I get away from my computer and make my living and working environments nicer is a wonderful habit to cultivate.

I'm 53 years old now. I was 33 when I started following Getting Things Done. In that time, I've gotten a lot done, but what's even more relevant is that I didn't get a ton of things done – things that I consciously chose not to abandon. Figuring out what you want to do, and then keeping it on track – in manageable, healthy, daily rhythms that bring along the other people you rely on – may not be the whole secret to a fulfilled life, but it's certainly a part of it.

Tor Books as just published two new, free LITTLE BROTHER stories: VIGILANT, about creepy surveillance in distance education; and SPILL, about oil pipelines and indigenous landback.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/10/26/one-weird-trick/#todo.txt

[eroguron0nsense]

The Mysterious Mysteries of Mr Sir Crocodile (Character Analysis)

(Apologies in advance for discrepancies from my usual tone and for holding off on everyone who voted for this on my last poll. Honest to God I hope y'all enjoy this in some capacity because I've been procrastinating on this meta so long it's derailed ALL my other One Piece writing and I only accomplished it through addy-fuelled mania)

This was such a fucking pain to write. I really wanted to say something about Crocodile and what makes him so fascinating that wasn't like, another fan theory or just a set of headcanons, but that's easier said than done?? We could boil it down to immaculate design, screen presence, attitude, or just the fact that he got brought back as an unlikely ally who shocked everyone by saving the protagonist, but I don't know that those factors in and of themselves make for a villain who's become such an object of fandom obsession.

Whatever it is, it's certainly not backstory or depth, because 24 years and hundreds and hundreds of chapters after his introduction, we still know nothing about Sir Crocowani's past beyond a vague confrontation with the Late Great Edward Newgate (that apparently like, ruined his dreams or something?), and some totally-not-just-a-threat-to-out-him-if-he-betrayed-the-alliance blackmail material the Queen of the Queers is holding over his sandy reptilian ass. I was born and grew into adulthood in the time it took Oda to tell the world fuck all about where he's from or his inner thoughts, or his actual honest motivations and traumas.

All we have about this character are questions. Why did he save Luffy and Ace –very conspicuously after both of their lineages were revealed to the world– against all logic and reason? Does he have ties to the revolutionaries? Is he the long-lost son of Rocks D. Xebec? Did he bounce on Comrade Dragon's Monkey D and squirt out the fucking Warrior of Liberation? I assume Oda's going to tell us more about him, but at this point, he's managed to keep a tighter lid on Sir Crocs, Inc.'s past than the fucking Secret History

You may be wondering, dear reader: what the fuck is my point? What is there, at this final stage of Long Running Pirate Manga, for me–Frankie EroGuroNonsense, OP Tumblr Community Z-lister with like, 7 mildly popular meta posts under my belt–to write about the legendary Sir Krokorok that hasn't already been said or theorized? What eagle-eyed observations did I make while rereading Alabasta and writing toxic Crobin fanfic? Am I going anywhere with this? Sorta. Yeah.

Let's start with listing things we actually know about Crockpot, in roughly chronological (??) order: –attended Gol D.'s execution way back when he was my age, along with anyone else who's anyone from his generation.

–At some point, met and was known well enough by Iva that she could effectively blackmail him

–Made it far enough on the Grand Line, somehow getting to the New World, and managed to pick up an 81,000,000 bounty (low end for a warlord, presumably scouted fairly early in his career)

–Wanted to be Pirate King until he gave up on it, not 100% explicitly confirmed but most likely due to getting his ass beat so badly by Whitebeard that he settled for picking off small fry and racketeering behind a government desk job. This makes him profoundly relatable to the rest of us depressed fucking losers who acquiesce to our own mediocrity.

–At 30, after presumably licking his wounds for a hot minute, sets up shop in Alabasta, comes up with a clever evil plan to quietly build up enough arms to conquer the world with a WMD, and then gets his years-long bioterrorist coup attempt foiled by a 17-year-old.

The rest we know: after a brief moment of glory as the unsung MVP of Impel Down/Marineford, he immediately reverts to Failguy Mode, gives all his money to a literal clown, and consequently gets roped into the neverending uncontrollable PR nightmare that is Cross Guild. It's still super vague and we know little to nothing about his past before the Alabasta Saga (for all we know he had a fling with King Cobra)

...Onto his personality and mannerisms. This shit's a lot more revealing. Superficially, he's everything: immaculate Bond villain levels of charismatic villainy, unbelievably ostentatious, dripped out like a Pimp, constantly smoking cigars, absolutely dripping with smugness and grease and disdain. Owns exotic pets and a giant casino, and spends every waking moment either grinning like a maniac when he's got the upper hand or storming around in a fucking mood when anything goes mildly wrong.

He's also pretty hardened underneath all that, obviously couldn't have lived a day on the grand line or survived Impel Down Torture otherwise. But even in Alabasta, Crockery gives off an air of being distinctly more grounded and willing to get his hands dirty than other flashy, established villains who flaunt their wealth and status. A big part of it is just his really hyper-masculine indomitable tough guy persona, but even early on he's very much micromanaging his operation, fighting people hand to hand in (as opposed to, say, Doffy, who literally puppeteers people while lounging around) and makes a point to keep almost all of his followers at a distance and rely on them as little as possible. He rants a bit about how dreams and whatnot are pointless follies, as One Piece antagonists tend to do, and repeatedly taunts Vivi about how her idealism can't save her, but with the context that he wanted to find Laughtale himself, it feels a lot like projection.

The character trait that's harped on a LOT in canon, and probably the most pertinent one to whatever demons he has, is Croconaw's profound pathological distrust for everyone around him. It's a huge part of what makes him a good early foil to the Nefertari family and the Straw Hats, whose collective strength is derived from organic human connection; Crocalor, by contrast, makes sure that up until the very last moment, he keeps most of his people so distant from him that they genuinely have no idea he's even their boss. His relationship with Robin is interesting, but he turns on her immediately when he realizes she either can't or won't give him the location of Pluton and has his dramatic stabbing/"I forgive you" lines about how he never trusted her or anyone from the start. He says the same shit to Mihawk when he suggests they join forces, even citing their mutual distrust as a kind of paradoxical justification for why they'd actually work well together.

Arguably the only exception is Daz Bones, but even that relationship is still a pretty reserved one; one of the few traits Daz exhibits is a similar avoidance of human connections to his boss and even though they've ironically formed a bond despite it, I can't imagine that they're emotionally close. I find these more explicit declarations of paranoia a lot less indicative of what's actually going on in Croconut's head than subtext, but I feel inclined to mention them just because it more or less tells us that his background/trauma has something to do either with betrayal or alternatively just being jaded and deprived to the point of self-isolation.

Krookodile's character gets a little bit more interesting when we get to see him again in Impel Down being a smug little manipulative rascal right up until he gets blackmailed by his endocrinologist, which is definitely medical malpractice but also funny as hell. I also appreciate that literally the first thing he does after getting out of his cell is change into a big coat and cravat to keep up appearances, but it's not until Marineford proper that things get really complicated. Saving Luffy and Ace is the first selfless thing we see Crobat do–while yelling at Luffy that he needs to protect what matters to him properly, no less– and he just keeps fighting for them after that, teaming up with his most hated rival crew to cover Luffy's retreat and telling the entire WG to go fuck itself multiple times over. He fights everyone on sight with no regard for his own safety, talks mad shit to Doffy, and demonstrates a genuinely compelling amount of honest to god chivalry.

For a short time, we see Crocomotive less as a really entertaining cartoon villain and more as a person with hidden, profound emotions and a confusing moral code that's seemingly incompatible with the vicious little creature we met in Alabasta. We come to understand, in a few very brief lines that give us way more questions than answers, that Cromagnon has deep-seated, emotional convictions he actively suppresses, and that whatever baggage he has is probably tied to wanting to or failing to save something of his own. His resentment of Newgate, who he really really wants to have a go at (despite theoretically no longer caring about the ambitions of his youth) is indicative of a desire to revisit the fight that probably ruined his dream and ego, but it's also tinged with a deep-seated grudging respect for a living legend.

Crock–Afire Explosion's obvious seething hatred of Doffy also gives us a few more insights into what's wrong with him. On a surface level, it makes sense that he dislikes a profoundly obnoxious, even flashier fellow warlord who achieved more or less the same goal he set out to in a shorter time, fucks with his business, and then mocks him/tries to recruit him right after his very public defeat and imprisonment. He postures a lot, especially with his lines insisting he's on a higher level and that Doffy could only ever join him as a subordinate, but he's visibly steamed in their initial encounter and clearly hasn't liked him for quite some time. I bring this up because if we stretch our interpretation a little (for the sake of my argument), Croc Holliday's distaste for someone who's (outwardly) so much like himself and embodies all of his villainous characteristics from back in Alabasta might also suggest that deep down, he doesn't actually like the things they have in common; he sees right through Doffy because he's done the same shit and he hates what he sees.

Having gone over all that, I've come up with some key characteristics of Crocomelon that I'll use going forward:

–Extremely performative: puts an ungodly amount of energy into maintaining a carefully curated persona, and projecting a certain amount of power, masculinity, and prestige. Not necessarily an unnatural or inauthentic one, but a constructed and purposeful one nonetheless

–Deep-seated paranoia, hidden secrets; probably intertwined. Keeps personal details on tight, tight lockdown, probably afraid of being known.

–Constant projection of his own insecurities and failures onto other people, making a point to be uniquely cruel in Alabasta to an idealist who loves her people and a dreamer who wants to be the Pirate King.

Ironically, he demonstrably respects and defends two people–Luffy and Whitebeard–who theoretically embody everything he hates or scorns (ambition, goodness, love, connection, romanticism, greatness in the traditional sense) and he intensely dislikes the villain most like himself, or at least the one who shares a lot of his worst characteristics (ostentatious manipulative scheming rat bastard backed by people stronger than himself) –The Grinch's heart grew three sizes at Marineford because of like, the compelling power of brotherly love and reminders of his youth or something

SPECULATION, CONCLUSIONS??

The difficulty with writing anything definitive about Crocko's Basilisk is that he's such a mystery, which functionally lets the fanbase project literally whatever weird personality traits, potential backstories, or anything else they could possibly come up with onto him. So I want to be clear that I have absolutely no interest in theorizing about the specifics of his past or secret identity or potential baby daddy or anything along those lines; I'm only interested in what we can infer about his personality by extrapolating from canon. And the conclusion I keep coming back to, the one that I'm convinced is true on some level, is that Crocodile is living a lie and he fucking hates himself. Everything he does, from how he acts to what he claims to believe, is a desperate effort to cope with his own insecurity and failure and cover up a past version of himself he's deeply ashamed of.

Now, unfortunately, Oda did not conceive of Crocodile as a trans man but stories belong to the people and we can do what we want let's forget about that and play it straight because he's constantly performing gender as a means of compensating for a deep-seated shame and self-loathing from whatever traumas and secrets he keeps hidden. Even assuming he's a cis man, he deliberately chooses a hypermasculine persona with a Capital V Villain moniker and pimp outfit and speech pattern he's carefully curated to project masculine power–physical, political, and financial–and we know it's performance because we see him break kayfabe and get legitimately fucking angry whenever he's confronted by a person like Luffy, who's crazy and brave enough to try and do what he couldn't and risk everything for love and hope that he cannot bring himself to feel for another person, or reminders of the past he tries so desperately to bury.

The lessons he's wrongfully obtained from his past are as follows: Idealism is a weakness. Dreaming is a weakness. Connections to other people and being known are crippling liabilities (If he is, in fact, trans and closeted, that's all the more reason to be existentially disgusted by what he used to be). All the hope he brought to the Grand Line, all the excitement of trying to carry on where Roger left off, needs to be purged and buried because all he got to show for it was loss and humiliation. But he can't stop wanting more, and ironically, after he gives up on conquering the Grand Line, he ends up chasing the same fucking poneglyphs and weapons because his ambition's still there; it's just compromised and much more jaded.

Everything he does that's seemingly contradictory makes sense when you realize that Crocodile resents his failure and wants to avenge himself. He makes a big show of talking down to Luffy and Vivi's petty ideals and shit-talking Newgate and his family, but he still wants to fight Whitebeard like he did way back when and help Luffy protect what matters to him. He hates Doffy, who's honestly just a more successful schemer than he is because it's a constant reminder of what he settled for when he took that warlord post and fucking gave up. He claims to trust no one, but he keeps Daz by his side and rewards his loyalty because he can't help but trust someone who respects him so deeply and follows him to the ends of the fucking earth long after losing the material incentive to do so. He claims to look down on people who aim for the stars and fight for love and joy and freedom and yet, in his most vulnerable moments–not in the face of violence or imprisonment, but when he's emotionally compelled to defend a child and help save his brother–we see how badly he wants that for himself.

TLDR: Crockman Holic is deeply insecure in his masculinity, desperately needs psychological help, and his character/potential redemption arc in One Piece is just dealing with his midlife crisis.

[harlowtales]

Jack needs Y/N more than he realizes when jealousy gets the best of him

18+ ONLY - Adult Themes

***Use of all names is purely fictional

“Where the fuck are you going Y/N?” Jack said surprised to see you packing. He just got back from recording in LA and was going to take a few weeks off.

“I actually made some friends and I’m heading off for a weekend in the country!” You squealed with glee, but Jack did not have a smile on his face. “…and nice to see you too sheesh.” You said rolling your eyes and pushing past him to get to your closet. You were forgetting your crocks and hoping to find a spot for them in your open and overflowing suitcase on the bed.

“No the fuck you aint.” He said like a domineering father.

“Awwww Jackman you’ll be fine without me for 72hours.” You said cheerily finally getting your suitcase closed by sitting on it.

“72 fucking hours ain’t a weekend last I checked.” He said grumpily

“You’ll be fine.” You said ignoring his exasperation and checking the group chat for any updates on who was picking you up when. Jack was a tad dramatic anyway so you didn’t really take him seriously at the moment.

“Not very professional coming from my assistant” he mumbled now distinctly in a bad mood.

“I’m not your assistant. I’m a house guest remember?” You responded now getting irritated that Jack refused to give you any titles in his life whatsoever. Long story short, something happened one night that you both agreed should not have, and had not happened since.

You were renovicted from your apartment as the building was being turned into fancy condos so Jack offered you a place to stay until you found another place. While staying with him you started helping Kat with some work and his team realized how good you were at helping him stay organized. They offered you a job and Jack said no. He was developing feelings for you and didn’t want to mix business with anything more complicated personally. This caused major tension as you felt he was unfairly blocking you from an opportunity and you had a huge fight. He wound up confessing his feelings and makeup sex didn’t make up for anything as he still would not define your relationship.

You were still helping Kat as now an unpaid intern and Jack felt that one night was a mistake and he needed to focus on his career so nothing happened again. He would lay in his bed alone trying to shake the memory. So many nights he texted you to come to his room but deleted it. You both talked about when you would leave and you told Jack about your other plans but he put a stop to that and said he could find you other opportunities and for you to stay in Louisville.

To say you fell hard for him was an understatement. The whole situation was confusing and you didn’t realize how much it was draining you. You started writing a book but having to move short notice derailed the whole thing. You had a publisher waiting and were panicking. Jack suggested you stay until you finished it. He believed in you and didn’t want to be the cause of you loosing your focus either.

This limbo with him had become your new normal. Stolen glances across the breakfast table, incidental brushes passed in the hallway never amounting to little more than frustration but both of you were dedicated to your dreams so didn’t cross the line again. You had to avert your eyes when he would be rushing to get ready drinking tea and checking his phone while fresh out of the shower in a towel around his waist and wet curls.

He had to do the same seeing you prance around in a tank top and sleep shorts with a bonnet on and fuzzy slippers. The way he wanted to bend you over sometimes was too much. In a weird way though you two became happy roommates. There was only one thing Jack wanted and that was for you to be around when he was in town. He said this was for work purposes but it was because he missed you so much when he was away. To see you packing now when you knew he was back made him downright angry.

You hadn’t done it purposely but you had made a new group of friends in the writing community in Louisville and everyone was going on this retreat to work on projects in an idyllic Kentucky country setting. Jack didn’t like there were guys in this group. Sensitive types that were accomplished authors. Just the type that you could bond with intellectually and leave him forever. He knew conversation was your love language so even while he was away he called often but felt like he didn’t have what it took to really stimulate you mentally like those guys.

You felt like you were starting to slip away and maybe it was for the best because nothing was possible with Jack anyway. This one guy in the group Jason was so engaging and you were looking forward to his reading circles and getting to know him this weekend. Jack knew how much you liked Jason’s new novel. He felt so jealous every time he caught you curled up with pups reading it.

“You really like this Jason character huh?” Jack said one night as he had his feet up watching soccer and you were deeply immersed in Jason’s book. He felt like swatting it out of your hands.

“It’s such a moving story. I hope to be half as good as this” You said wistfully smiling showing your one dimple and pushing up your glasses which drove Jack crazy.

“I have no doubt you’re way better than that.” Jack said disdainfully of Jason.

“I’m honoured to even know him. Want some popcorn?” You said cheerily getting pups off you and heading to the kitchen. It was one of your more lazy days at home and you had no idea that Jack was in heaven there with you. He would occasionally glance at you and smile while you were reading wishing you could lay on him and he could hold you giving you kisses on the top of your head as he watched the game. He snapped out of his delusion with the Jason conversation.

“Hey missy did you write at all today?” He would often chide when things he didn’t want to think about crept in or uncomfortable feelings.

“Nope. I’m chilling today.” You said happily taking a huge handful of popcorn. Jack promptly ripped the bowl away from you.

“You want to be as good as some dork Jason? Get off the couch and go to your room and write” he said firmly.

“Fuck you.” You said defiantly grabbing another handful before heading for your room. You knew he was right but didn’t like his bossy tone.

He settled in with pups with a smile on his face knowing he had disrupted your time with Jason’s book and knocked it off the couch for extra enjoyment.

Fast forward back to now. He felt a tightness in his chest with anxiety creeping in. “Does Kat know you’re doing this?” He questioned

“Doing what?” You said distractedly with air quotes as you texted Emily you were almost ready.

“Y/N.” Jack said trying to get your attention “I need details. You live here, and I kinda feel responsible if anything happens to you.” He said concerned

“Jack it’s all good. Emily will be here in like 15mins don’t worry there’s going to be 20 people there. Jason is leading the whole thing for up and comers like me and I’m so excited to learn from him. I really need his advice.”

“You won’t be up and cumming at all at any point on this trip understand?” He said looking down on you every bit asserting his 6 foot 3 frame.

“Relax alpha male” You said touching his chest in a way that made him raise an eyebrow and tingle. Old Jack would have you on your back so fast it would make your head spin, but he had matured and just hoped one day when he had more time for a relationship he hadn’t permanently fucked it up with you.

“I’ll see you in a few days. Only call me in an EMERGENCY. Got it? And look after my puppy.” You said roughing up pup’s curly fur and kissing her while she panted joyfully in Jack’s arms. Emily texted she was downstairs. You gathered your things and stepped into the elevator that opened up directly into Jack’s penthouse.

“You’re upsetting pups but have fun.” Jack said cradling her as if protecting her from your cruelty.

You breathed a deep sigh of relief as the elevator doors closed. Jack was passed clingy now and totally dependent on you. “Well pups it’s just you and me here this weekend. Or does it have to be?” He said picking up his phone and scrolling to see what ex would answer and come over, but that didn’t feel right. He decided to order dinner since you weren’t there to cook a home cooked meal and write some new stuff. A song about a girl he couldn’t be with but couldn’t leave.

PART 2

Jack was miserable the entire 3 days. Nobody could get him out of the house. He sank into a place where he just wrote songs in the dimly lit studio. He rejected offers to play soccer, to go to the Hub and DJ, to hang out with one of his exes who was just “checking in” that he easily could have had swing by and scratch his itch. The problem was he had nothing to scratch. You were on his mind heavy and he couldn’t shake it.

“Hunny Urban called me and said you’re in a funk. Want to talk to your old mom about it?” Jack’s mom said in her loving way when her son was in a low mood.

“Naw I’ll be fine I just…I need to just be more my own man.” He said reflectively

“Who is she this time?” His mom said completely unaware of the whole dynamic but had suspected Jack and you had something happen at some point. She just knew her son too well. You were completely what he was looking for and it bewildered her why you weren’t a couple already. “Did you and Y/N have another argument? Hunny you know she’s headstrong but she’s an intelligent girl. You’re a writer you get it.”

“We didn’t have a fight. She’s a good roommate.” Jack said dismissively

“Ok I’ll pretend that’s the truth.” His mom said

“She just…she doesn’t understand certain things, like it’s not important to her, she just flounces around foot loose and fancy free ya know? Like her book is due and she’s reading another book by some fucktard author she’s crushing on. Makes no sense. She lacks discipline ya know?” Jack said way more than he wanted to.

“Oh I see.” His mom replied pensively. “She’s a fly by the seat of her pants kinda gal but works for you for free tending to your business everyday but she’s not responsible. As I understand she cooks too with her busy schedule that revolves around you and looks after the dog? Is it maybe this little crush on someone else your issue?”

“You know what? I need to focus and she needs to focus. She could never be my girl because I need someone so opposite to her. I mean the other day I walked in on her feeding pups extra treats and singing and dancing with her like what?” Jack said critically but obviously in pain missing your sweet goofiness.

“Wow sounds like a real bad situation.” His mom said rolling her eyes on the other end but Jack could feel it.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me mom.” He said defensively. “It doesn’t sound like a big deal but it is. You know what? As soon as she gets back imma tell her she needs to find somewhere else to go because this ain’t working. I can’t even have girls in my crib anymore like a normal man.”

“So she’s away? And where’s all these girls in your crib as you say.” His mom asked. She had a way of talking to Jack that made him come to his own conclusions.

“Mom don’t start.” He said “She’s irresponsible. She knows she’s supposed to be here when I’m here. It’s unprofessional for her to just bounce and be out in god knows where countryside retreat or wherever the fuck she went with his Jason loser. So he’s written a few books. Does he have platinum records? Does anyone know who da fuck this guy is?” Jack fumed his anxiety on full display.

“Wait. Y/N is on a writing retreat with THE Jason Meyers??? Hunny this is great for her! He’s a 4 time New York Times bestselling author! This could be Y/N’s big break!” His mom said excitedly

“You know, why am I even talking to you? I gotta go pups is hungry and needs a walk.” Jack said using his dog as an excuse to get out of a conversation that was bringing up all his insecurities.

“Ok hunny I’m here if you need me I love you!” His mom said cheerfully

Jack was so frustrated nobody understood him. The walk with pups did him good and he went to the gym to work off some steam. He felt much better and was lying on the couch drifting off when he heard the elevator doors open and you rustling around. He jumped up and startled pups who ran to greet you. “Hello pupsy wupsy!” You said so happy to see her.

“Hey.” You said cooly to Jack

“Sup” He said ultra casually, not moving from the couch.

“It’s ok don’t move to help with my suitcase.” You said sarcastically as you struggled with it down the hallway to your room.

“Wasn’t planning on it.” He said after you lazily snuggled in a blanket.

You had a great time, but wasn’t going to tell Jack about the offer you had from Jason to read your manuscript and pitch it to his publisher to get you more money and way more exposure. Jack didn’t seem to like Jason and it would only put him in a pissier mood than he already was these days. You decided to stay in your room away from him and got comfortable in bed so tired from the long drive.

You heard a soft knock on your door. “Come in.” You called out as you changed channels on the TV.

“Does my breath stink or something? Why you didn’t come out of your room?” Jack asked sitting on the bed. He was waiting for you to tell him all about it.

“Jack. Leave me be please I’m exhausted, and no time for whatever mood you’ve been in.” You said honestly

“Y/N can we talk?” He asked softly. You immediately knew it was important by the scrunch in his brow.

“Of course are you ok? I’ve been concerned. You’re always so supportive and the minute I have this big opportunity to network you’re so down on me. Did I do something wrong?” You asked looking him directly in his warm blue eyes

“Y/N….this thing we’re doing… or not doing…I can’t do it anymore. While you were away I had a chance to think and talk to my mom and ummm, I hope we can still be friends but…” He hesitated

“Say no more. I’m as good as fucking gone. Lucky I haven’t even unpacked because I won’t. I’m out. If I can just sleep that would be great and then say no more. I’ll leave in the morning.” You said completely done at this point. “Get some other flunkie to watch your dog and make your breakfast, and schedule your life. I have things to do in MY LIFE!!!” You yelled and burst into tears. “…and fuck any deals. Fuck Jason fuck Kentucky!”

“Whoah whoah whoah what? Fuck Jason what happened? Did he…did you guys…”

“No. Jason is engaged to a ballet dancer he is very much spoken for. I just admired him and his work.” You said now a teary mess. “He offered to read my book and pitch to his publisher but fuck all that now. Every time I get something good I have to move again. I hate it here!!!! Kiss my ass bluegrass!!.” You said now full on bawling.

“Y/N that’s fantastic!!” Jack said but realized what he had done and how he had been making you feel for months. “I’m so sorry I’m a complete fool.”

“You’ve always got me on some rollercoaster. I’m the fool!” You said hitting him now in frustration “Get off my bed! Your bed…what the fuck ever! I don’t fucking care anymore!” You yelled but Jack interrupted you with a massive tight hug and you collapsed in his arms so weary from fighting him and this “arrangement”.

“I can do no right with you. You’re sooooo fucking bossy!” You said but it felt so good to be hugged by him, to feel his warmth.

“Y/N please I ain’t that bad, am I?” Jack asked kind of knowing the answer.

“So bossy.” You restated calming down now and blowing your nose.

“Ok damn. I get it I’m bossy.” He said partially offended but knowing he was hard on you because he didn’t want to wind up in bed and in love. You had the potential to hurt him more than he could handle. With both of you distracted with work it was his hope it would prevent anything from happening “Kiss my ass bluegrass is next level though that was too far.” He laughed.

“I was wrong.” He continued “I can learn from you and relax sometimes and I been an asshole pushing you. I thought you were hung up on Jason and I couldn’t take it. I was a shell of myself when you left. I barely left the condo.”

“Are you serious?” You said between sniffles. “I was literally only gone for 3 days. You’re kind of pathetic”

“Thanks.” He said sarcastically “I’m just so dependent on you now and that’s my fault. If you want to leave and find a real relationship I can’t hold you, but if you give me a do over I would really really love that and I would show you I love you because I do. I realized how much the last little while so I amped up being a hard ass to run from my feelings. Matter fact, I got you something months ago and been too scared to give it to you. One sec” He said and disappeared. He returned with a jewelry box and gestured for you to take it.

You froze. Was this happening? “One minute this man was ready to kick me out and now a damn near proposal?” You thought with your head pounding from all the crying and screaming. You waited for him to open the box.

Inside was a blinding diamond fountain pendant and chain. “Welcome to team Private Garden Y/N, my new Senior Assistant. I hope a salary of $150,000 a year is helpful and Kat now reports to you. I hope the title permanent live-in girlfriend suits you as well. No hiding, this our shit now and everyone will know. You cool with that?”

“Well…I don’t know I might be on a book tour but I’ll see if I can pencil your little job offer in.” You said lifting up your hair as Jack placed the stunning piece around your neck. The fans seeing that symbol of being team PG was going to send the internet into a frenzy but for now you were savouring this moment.

“Take it or leave it, but please never leave me and pups again. I had left over pizza all weekend.” Jack said tackling you and planting a deep kiss on your lips with pups barking excitedly.

“Wow. You are so sad.” You said teasing him and kissing him with his full weight on top of you, he started to rise and you knew it was the time you both had wanted for so long. You turned off your bedroom light “Oh Jack” you moaned.

@itsyagirljaz @okaaay-mice @ride4harlow

[boonsmoon]

Hey I wanted to ask if you could write character x reader with Crimson from Ragna Crimson? I don't have any request regarding the setting or anything else in that matter. You have a free hand on that part :3 And sorry if I sound stiff but english isn't my first language

i love you /platonic Crimson is my favorite character like <3 thanking Miku that Ragna Crimson simps exist on this site LMAO spoilers/references to chapter 50+

Request Chungus Masterlist Ragna Crimson Masterlist Series ML Crimson x f!reader Genres: Oneshot|Fluff|Romantic

Traitors Love

You two were close. Not close as in being linked through Crimson's powers. It was more of a mutual liking you took towards each other. Of course, it's not hard when you both are considered traitors to your kin.

Despite sharing the status of traitor, you both differed in various ways. While both superior dragons, neither of you came from the same bloodline. You are one of the rare Claw Brethren. There is also the act of betrayal. You've never held a monarch role like Crimson, so you simply left your previous ways of genocide on humans.

However, you both share a common goal, to take down the Dragon God. Except you didn't foresee that after working together for years, you would start to fall for the heartless mastermind.

But he wasn't truly heartless, you know this. No one got close to Crimson like you. In fact, you are the only living dragon other than Borgius to have seen Crimson in his monarch days. And you must say, it was quite the look.

All that being said, you have finally wiped out a bloodline, the Winged one at that! And you couldn't be happier to have done that, especially with Crimson at your side. Though you suppose the human deserves some credit.

"What we'll do is stay with the Sun Cult and follow their plans. Of course, this is subject to change, as you can't blindly follow homicidal cultists," Crimson was setting up the team's new plan since y'all don't really have one beyond killing dragons.

The team, of course, listened to the brains. Plus, you can't really put your trust in an organization willing to sacrifice their own people... With the end of the talk, each member dispersed to do as they pleased with their new free time. That left you to spend your time with Crimson...

"Tell me, do you really believe that boy will follow any plans the cult gives him?" You personally thought this human would ignore the Sun Cult as a whole, which ya know, makes a lot of sense.

Crimson smirked, but you could feel a mix of disappointment and anger coming off him, "I expect him to, but of course an ignorant brat who only cares about getting rid of bloodlines as soon as possible could derail my entire plan..."

You stared off into nothing, knowing there's not much comfort you can provide. You both sat on the loveseat, planning to have some productive conversation. Or at least you thought so.

Crimson broke the silence, surprisingly getting a bit emotional. Obviously, you couldn't tell from a glance at his face though. "Why are you so stupid as to stay around and follow my plans?"

You were stunned, Crimson is always so proud of his plans, shouldn't he be glad you follow without question?

"You have the strength to destroy a superior dragon, to fight one until daylight and watch it burn. So why don't you?" Crimson is praising you; something isn't right here.

You, getting caught in your feelings after so many centuries, thought saying the first thing that came to mind was absolutely genius, "have you ever considered it's because I love you?" NO- GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK.

No, you cannot go back. Now deal with the consequences of your actions. The consequences aren't that bad actually, it's just a reply, "wow, you're dumber than I thought."

Are you dumb? Sorta. You did fall for quite possibly the biggest asshole to walk this earth.

Now it'd be smart to shut up, yes? No, you will continue, but this time make it cringe, "I'm an idiot, but I can be your idiot."

With a look of shock to a sly smirk, Crimson says, "always have been." You are hiding in your hands, you foolish fool, how did you not see it?

Crimson moves your hands and slowly kisses you. Yeah, you definitely wanna kill the entire dragon species with this person. <3

i wrote this listening to International Love 👍

kinda cringe but gotta embrace it

[not-poignant]

What made you decide to host original fiction on AO3? You're the first (favorite) author doing serial original fic online that I think of these days, though I've not dabbled since independent domains were the most common strategy. I'm hoping to make progress on a project of my own in the soon, but am having trouble finding sites without fairly restrictive content policies--are there/were there other contenders for hosting Fae Tales that would have let you go so dark, or is it AO3 or bust?

Hi anon!

I think from your tone, you're starting off with the assumption that I was trying to be a professional writer and then chose AO3, and that's not the path I took at all!! No one in their right mind generally chooses AO3 if they want to make a profit off of their original writing for a lot of reasons, and a lot of fanfiction authors leave AO3 so they can make a profit off their original writing (and some do both - write fanfic under one name, and original fiction under a completely different name. My path isn't even the mainstream fanfic writer's way of breaking into original fiction, lol).

So my journey was basically that:

I was writing fanfiction on AO3 that became quite popular in its small fandom, and I put two OCs (Original Characters) into that story that got especially popular and started getting fanart during the fanfic. A few people at the time said 'I ship these two' and I was like 'eh I don't want to write it.' And then in typical fandom fashion eventually I was like 'okay I'll just give it a try.'

I wrote several PWP hatefucking chapters mostly to see if they even really worked as a couple (they did!) - since they weren't a couple in the fanfic, they were mortal enemies, lol - and these chapters popped off among a very small number of people and I thought 'you know what, these characters deserve an actual story, because I don't want their tale to have a tragic ending' (which it would have done).

So I wrote more of the story, and eventually I got a message from a reader saying 'hey can you open a Patreon account so we can support your original writing, because it doesn't feel fair that we're getting all of this for free.'

So I opened a Patreon account.

And then about 3 years later I thought 'actually...I think I can turn this into a proper job.' And I...tried lol. It's not a very 'proper job' by the standards of people who started original writing purely for income, but it is quite a proper job for me, lol. I still write fanfiction because I love it.

I never chose AO3 as a place to build a career exactly, I just put original fiction there because that's where the readers were who already liked the original characters, and it didn't make sense to put it anywhere else. I also never expected at the time to make a formal leap into original fiction, I was actually planning another fanfic and then got completely derailed because we were all enjoying Fae Tales so much.

I stay there because I can post any fictional content I like pretty much - no matter how taboo - without fear of reprisal from the site or fear of having my account banned etc. for content. I stay because the warning and tagging system is the most sophisticated in the world. I stay because the search system is also the most sophisticated in the world. I stay because I love the spirit of fandom, and the people who find my original fics there already understand reading serials and WIPs and ongoing stories. I stay because I really enjoy AO3 comment culture, which is uniquely different to anything else anywhere on the internet, but especially other free serial sites like Wattpad, Royal Road, Inkitt and more. I stay because having to invite people to come to my Tumblr to see my posts and excerpts and sometimes find out about Patreon is a feature and not a bug, because it means the people who eventually find their way to my Patreon probably want to be there more than the average reader who never needs to leave AO3.

I stay there because Wattpad needs incredibly short chapters and I like longer chapter lengths (and long serials). I stay there because the comment culture of Royal Road is a lot of 'um, actually' folks alongside some decent folks, and you really have to love constant constructive (and not so constructive) criticism even on your most viral stories, and I am baby. I stay on AO3 because my friends are there, and so are many other folks who I enjoy the thoughts and company of.

To my knowledge, the only other place that allows really taboo content officially (i.e. not 'it's against the rules but everyone does it') is probably Ream, which is a subscription site like Patreon. And they're very recent. I will be setting up a mirrored version of my Patreon account there for all the folks who can't access Patreon due to like...credit card / bank reasons.

If you want to write a super dark, taboo serial, there aren't many free serial sites in the world where that's truly okay. I'm going to take some risks on Wattpad soon with the Fae Tales canon and we'll see how we go, lmao. AO3 is particularly unique because it started for many of us fanfiction writers who were getting banned and censored on other fanfiction and fandom platforms (like Livejournal Strikethrough, which was a huge historical event in fandom around censorship), so it literally - in many ways - was invented to protect and give space to the people who are writing adult or taboo fanfiction (and then later also original fiction). It is designed to be a safe haven for those of us who understand that fiction is just fiction when it comes to sexual fantasy content.

In the past year I have considered other dedicated serial sites for my content and frankly I don't believe any of them are 'safe' for me re: the nature of my writing (I don't feel my writing is as dark as some, but it certainly has 'rape as titillation' quite a bit, and pretty broad scale dubcon). Royal Road doesn't suit my genre/s, Inkitt is possible, but I'm not sure if my work will do well there, Wattpad is a risk but is huge and I'm not mad if my account gets banned there, Tapas allows some taboo, but is very clear that it wants no serials intended for the purpose of sexual gratification and requires 500-1500 chapters maximum, which is a bit of a downer for someone like me who has 3-10,000 word chapters, lol.

If you want to be a professional writer of adult sexual/taboo content who makes money off your writing, I wouldn't recommend hosting your works on AO3, I'd recommend publishing novels and when you have enough of a backlist, potentially offering chapters of future novels as early access on Ream (Patreon will actually also ban accounts with taboo content if you're hosting it on Patreon - and while most of us are safe at the moment, they get stricter over time).

AO3 is, imho, a great place for original authors who already love writing fanfiction or reading fanfiction, and already love fandom, and want to participate in the culture with original stories. Readers on AO3 are very savvy, clued-in people who are overall likely to be suspicious rather than welcoming of original fiction on AO3 in general (many refuse to read it outright), and who also can tell when a newcomer author is just there to try and make a profit off them. But they are also some of the most ride or die, wonderful, best readers in the world once they love your work. (I know this from experience as a reader too, lol, I am ride or die for a few authors there myself).

That doesn't mean it can't be done, it just means there's a steep learning curve re: fandom etiquette (thoroughly worth it, do recommend it, it just will take some time - months, not weeks - to feel it out). AO3 also strongly prefers/requires all original fiction there be posted 'in the spirit of fandom' - which has broad interpretations, but it does mean an effort needs to be made to at least understand and enjoy fandom.

But yeah if you're purely professional career focused, AO3 is not a first-line strategy imho. That's why...there's not many people doing it this way - even viral fanfiction authors don't do it this way, anon, when they decide to writing original fiction based off their fanfiction success. Use Smashwords, Ream, your own host site for direct sales etc. there are erotica and dark fantasy authors who are making WAY more money than I am using paths like this.

I love my path, I love it, and I do believe more people could use it and make it work, but I'll be honest with you - I know I could be making more money if I chose different paths, I'm on this path because it's fun.

[clairelsonao3]

Author Ask Tag Game

Thanks to @i-can-even-burn-salad @tabswrites and @mysticstarlightduck for this tag a few weeks ago, around the time I took a break from tag games. Back on the horse, though.

1) What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

I don't really "choose" lessons or themes. They emerge. But if Good Slaves Never Break the Rules had a lesson, it's probably about The Power of Love, not only romantic love, even though it's a romance, but love for our fellow humans and love for ourselves. And the power of choosing love over hate, despite how cruelly we may have been hurt in the past -- or how we may have hurt (or perceive that we have hurt) others.

2) What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

The world of GSNBTR owes a lot to (mostly) fanfics with modern slavery AUs that I have read and enjoyed over the years. I basically took all my favorite elements from those stories, mashed them together, and threw in a few of my own unique touches. And of course, the worldbuilding has expanded from there, in many cases in much more detail than I imagined it would when I started.

3) What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

My two MCs both start out with their separate goals -- her to get through university and become independent, him to find his sister -- which end up merging into one singular goal (save their loved ones and defeat the villain, essentially) by the end of the story. Learning to trust and work together is part of the journey they undergo, and with their individual strengths, they end up making an incredible team. So I guess demonstrating that is what I'm trying to achieve with them.

I want to make readers feel something. It doesn't even have to be necessarily what I feel, or what I set out to make others feel. If you feel anything -- love, fear, sadness, shock, hate, disgust -- while reading this, my work here is done.

4) How many chapters is your story going to have?

At this point (I just posted Ch. 27), I suspect not more than 40, give or take. (But take this with a grain of salt; the number has already expanded several times). We are in Act III and it's outlined in detail, with may of the scenes at least partially written, but I'm just not sure how long each chapter/scene is ultimately going to be and how and where they'll be divided. I have an idea of that, but I can't decide it ahead of time; I only know when I sit down to write and edit the chapters.

5) Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

Original (although I'm not afraid to admit there are some fannish elements/tropes to it) and I'm posting it on Ao3! It will eventually be an ebook as well. It probably won't ever migrate over to Tumblr, unfortunately, not only because of the time and energy that would require but also because the NSFW and romance elements make it much better suited for Ao3, I feel. Also, having it in one place only allows me to gauge exactly how many people have read it and engaged with it (not that that really matters, but still!)

6) When and why did you start writing?

When? As soon as I could pick up a pencil and string together letters on a page to form words. Why? Because telling stories is in my blood (literally; my dad is also a writer).

7) Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

Write what you want. It sounds simple, but I spent way too many years of my writing life writing what I thought OTHER people wanted, and it almost derailed my ability to write altogether because it made me so damn miserable.

For newer writers: If you find yourself beginning a writing question with the words "Is it okay to..." or "Can I..." just stop right there. The answer is "yes."

I follow more people than just about anyone I know and I think most of them are writers; it's in the 4 digits. So I'm going to put this question aside for now and start working on a post of my favorite Tumblr writers and stories, so for future similar questions, I'll be able to direct you to that.

This one was going around a few weeks ago and IDK who's done it so OPEN TAG!

Template under the cut

1) What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

2) What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

3) What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

4) How many chapters is your story going to have?

5) Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

6) When and why did you start writing?

7) Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

[anotherisodope]

Just found out that we dodged a huge bullet

You ever have a friend who just completely derails your life with their drama every time you run into, talk to or even hear about them?

Got one like that. We’ve been trying to help him for months in a Movie of the Week level family drama situation that has, along with some other stuff, totally eaten my life. And now, things have gone from bad to cartoonishly awful, in one night.

(Now edited for clarity. I shouldn’t write when I’m that pissed off, sorry!)

The Cast

Me: Gold medalist in competitive napping

My man: Has lived with me almost two decades, there’s rings involved, you get the idea

Gonk: A formerly close friend of ours who is making himself less close with every damn day that goes by as he slowly transitions from a cinnamon roll to an ego-burdened military douche. Calling him Gonk because he increasingly, stubbornly, refuses to listen to even basic common sense if it gets in the way of what he wants to do

GFF: Gonk’s friend who has been putting him up until Gonk starts Basic Training in another state

Evil Sister: Gonk’s sister, a raging assclown whom I sometimes call the Wicked Bitch of the East--with good reason

Our friend Gonk is the sort who never, ever, EVER contacts us unless he needs something, and he’s caused all kinds of disruption, but we’ve stayed loyal as hell and supported him. I was even going to move this guy into my house before he torpedoed that plan with a set of Bad Life Decisions. (Long story I’ll cover later).

Bit of backstory. Gonk has a very bad relationship with his sister, who is a far, far bigger asshole than he’s ever dreamed of being. Evil Sister was left the house and their parents’ whole estate after their mom died (so our friend wouldn’t lose his disability benefits), and promised to “look after” Gonk to his mom’s face. Once Mom died, Evil Sister promptly started proceedings for kicking Gonk out, and turned abusive in the meantime.

One thing she’s done is weaponize the police against Gonk every time she gets mad at him, meaning she calls them on him and tries to get him imprisoned over issues he can’t even be arrested for. Argument? Call the cops. He swore while playing video games? Cops. He had a meltdown from her verbal abuse and started yelling and crying? Cops. I’m actually surprised they still come out at this point.

We’ve explained to Gonk, as have the police, that what Evil Sister is doing is a form of abuse, isn’t appropriate use of law enforcement, and wastes police time and resources as well. Gonk’s seen it, he’s felt it, he’s been told multiple times: weaponizing the police so you can hurt someone you’re mad at (especially over petty shit) is really, really wrong.

So Gonk has been staying with another friend, GFF, for a few weeks before he starts Basic Training (a whole other awful story), basically to get away from the Wicked Bitch of the East. It was a huge act of generosity on GFF’s part, and a relief for Gonk, us, and everyone who cares about Gonk. At least...until yesterday.

Last night, everything blew up very suddenly. GFF kicked Gonk out and threatened to harm him if he came back. Why?

Because Gonk decided to call the cops on poor GFF, in GFF’s own home, IN AN ARGUMENT OVER WHO OWNED A FUCKING PACK OF CIGARETTES.

That’s right. Gonk, the guy who had the police inappropriately called on him over small shit multiple times, and is in the best possible position to know how wrong that is...turned around and did it to someone else. Someone he was depending on for shelter.

The cops kicked in the door, GFF’s dog escaped and vanished, and needless to say GFF is absolutely furious. He wants nothing further to do with Gonk and will probably kick his ass, or worse, if that hypocritical dumbass tries to come back. In fact, he’s already threatened to do so.

Gonk has nothing to say for himself. He is back with Evil Sister now, for the moment. I’m just praying he doesn’t show up on our doorstep again, because this has destroyed the last of our trust in him--which thanks to other crap was already badly damaged.

I am SO goddamned glad now that Gonk didn’t end up living with us. I don’t want anyone in my life who calls the cops on innocent people he’s supposed to care about, over petty shit. Of all people, Gonk should know better. But he got big mad and tossed friendship, common sense and decency out the window over an under $20 purchase instead. Nothing GFF did for him mattered to Gonk--not even opening up his home.

That could easily have been us. And I don’t want to give Gonk the chance to make it be us. Before now, I was worried about his safety, but this is the last straw. Now I just want him to leave town for his training and never come back.

[anonymous-harpy]

Doddles done with the idea of Baby Vegeta being in @amiz06-certified-b1mb0 's Dragon Ball Human AU!

Amiz I apologize in advance if I'm too much of a weirdo!

And it comes with lore! (From my scattered knowledge HA)

Introducing Yōji! (He's Baby Vegeta I swear it, I just needed to give him his own name because fanfiction)

For the super serious lore -which I'm going to guess doesn't drastically change Vegeta's too awfully much: Yōji is here for revenge! His entire family murdered when he was young, but he does remember who did. (Memories broken) and he's been festering in his hatred for years. (The truth goes unspoken)After going out of his way to join the seedy underbelly of society and make connections he finally finds the son of the man who killed his family, but not wanting the Wrath of Bulma to come down on him, he has to figure out way to get rid of Vegeta without being linked to the murder. (Benny hill music as incompetent underlings can't do shit)

While investigating Vegeta and his new family, he makes good with the family's major rival. (Insert last name here because idfk what the lounge lizard's last name is supposed to be) Namely by getting in good with the older brother of Frieza. By being a good sponsor maybe? (I only say-slash-suggest this as Yōji in because when I was watching GT I was like "is that Andrew Chanler?" While Rildo was on and then that filter was put over his voice and I think I screamed "METAL COOLER!" because Rildo and Cooler share a voice actor. Tangent aside)

And I almost missed the part where Yōji notices he looks somewhat similar to Vegeta (I've even forgotten my NAAAAMMME!) and is maybe trying to run his name into the ground like Frost is accidently totally doing on purpose to Frieza. I'll be refining this grabbled mess of a plot thread some other time to explain why an Omnisexual Rock God would sponsor a Metal Band, but I really don't think that matters much when the topic is revenge, yeah? (*Yōji nods his head*)

I'll say he's albino, and he uses temporary color on his eyebrows and puts in Blue contacts to not be as standout. But of course he still stands out with his 80s Glitter Rock get up. Also he's got a tail. The fuzzy white around his hips is a tail because I like the way it looks, try and stop me from adding it!

And now for me to go off the deep end as I do as a fanfiction writer...

PleaseignoreYōjisoutfitthatwasdonebeforeifinishedhisbetterdesign

I'M SORRY COOLER I CAN'T HELP MYSELF

I swear one day this ship just randomly sprang to mind like a year ago and I've just held onto it because it's just a straight up crack ship and I don't usually like crack ships. So I'll stand by my crack ship even as it runs into an ice burg and sinks.

Less serious lore? It's that Yōji's plan derails into Cooler's handsome face but it never goes anywhere because the feelings are not exactly being reciprocated because Yōjis too gosh darn intense. The dynamics I write are strange and I'm sorry.

Alright I'm gonna just lie down and wallow in the anxiety

[backjustforberena]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you to @joycieillustrations for tagging me. And whomever reads this, if you want to consider this me tagging you then go for it! But here we go, here are my answers. Dear Lordy, I'd forgotten about some of these fics until I had to tot up the word count.

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

I have 25. Some completed, some... not so much.

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

Total word count is: 174,231 words.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I'm only actively writing "House of the Dragon". And actively is a strong word. Sometimes I look fondly on my "Holby City" (specifically the ship 'Berena') unfinished fics and the notes I still have and half-finished chapters, but I leave them be for now. Unless someone decides to bug me (by which I mean, offer a hand and lend an ear).

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

- Me Before You AU - a Berena retelling of the book/film. - Run And Hit - a Berena AU. - Home Now - a Berena AU. - Losing Her Would Be Infinitely More Terrifying Than Loving Her - a Berena AU. - A Fresh Page - a Berena AU.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Generally, I don't, unless it's been a mean comment or they've asked me something specifically. Otherwise, I know I won't reply to all and so I get anxious about responding to any! And I'm British - you try giving a British person a compliment, you see how they find it!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

From my completed works? Shoot. I'm not sure if I'm the best judge of that. Most of them do include angst. But if they're angsty multi-chapters, then they're going to end on a happier note. And if they're an angsty one-shot, then the angst isn't just contained to the ending, it starts from the first word!

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Looking at finished works... I have written some fluff.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I have done on one of my fics. That was "Deep Waters". That was not fun at all, but equally, I had some really lovely comments on that fic as well. Moral of the story - don't write Daemon Targaryen in anything but a good light and certainly don't have Rhaenys act independently and with emotion. Woe betide you if you do! ;)

9. Do you write smut?

Nope.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I haven't yet.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. I bounce ideas off of people and get input but I've never strictly "co-written" a fic. I'd welcome it though. It might get something finished!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I enjoy many a ship but it's Corlys and Rhaenys that occupy my brain presently. I'm pretty sure though, if you pricked my interest again, that Berena would not be far away. They were a very, very good ship.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

How long do you have? In more seriousness, any and all of my Holby ones. But the most recent of those was "My Tears Richocet", which I did plan out quite a bit, but got derailed by the end of Holby City and the resolution of the plotline that I was re-writing. But I still love the idea; Bernie Wolfe was rescued three months after being declared dead, and returning to Holby, confronting everything she left behind and trying to not love the woman who rejected her and yet mourned for her. But the one most easily finished is probably another Holby fic; "Someone You Love" as it was a remix between two episodes, so it has a set ending, I know where the plot is going, it's outlined somewhere on my laptop and would only be a chapter more. Two at the most.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I have writing strengths?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Finishing things! Describing things! Overthinking things!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have used some High Valyrian. Very, very minimal High Valryian. I also have a very clever, wonderful friend, to whom I can go to for advice on High Valyrian. But that's it. No other languages. It's not something I seek out.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Doctor Who. Wayy back when, on fanfiction.net.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Oh, gosh! I really love some of the "House of the Dragon" stuff I've written, simply because I've adored looking at the political aspect of it all and just generally trying to think out the consequences of various changes. Others, from "Holby", I love but they are rarely finished so I will have to say "losing her would be infinitely more terrifying than loving her" - only because it's complete (woo hoo) but also because it was quite a turning point for me. I'd never written something so action-packed, that needed to have a specific tone and pace. I was rather chuffed I could pull it off and it was well received.

[yoko-goto]

Alright so I did NaNoWriMo this year but didn't win. I'm proud of myself for getting as far as I did (wrote almost 25,000 words!) but I definitely am taking away some lessons for next year to bolster my chances of getting to 50k words.

Read your favorite stories in the months leading up to NaNoWriMo. Come November, there's not gonna be enough time to both read and write. I made the mistake of taking a break from writing to read some of my fave fanfics, and I fell down a rabbit hole where I dove into reading some longfics. It derailed my habit of writing, so next year I'm gonna make a point to get all my reading done before November.

Take breaks throughout the month. Not gonna lie, I think I burned myself out from writing so hard the first half of the month that I was too exhausted the rest of the month to finish my story. Next year, I'm going to dedicate 4-6 days a week writing, and take a day or so off each week to recharge.

Have multiple story ideas planned out scene-by-scene going into November. Halfway through the month, I got tired of writing my story I committed to writing in November. It made me wish I had planned out an additional story in case I got bored with the first story. So next year, I'm going to take extra time leading up to November to plan out two stories, so that way, if I get bored of writing one, I can switch to the other one easily.

Start planning in mid-September, if not earlier. Arguably my biggest mistake was waiting too long to plot out my story. I'm a planner at heart, and I do best with a scene-by-scene breakdown of my story. If I don't do that, I get writer's block, and then end up writing nothing at all. I waited till the last week of October to start plotting my story out, when I really should've started doing that a month before then, or earlier. I ran out of time, so the first half of my story was easy to write cuz I had all the scenes planned out, but I ran into writer's block on the second half of the story, which I hadn't planned out in enough detail, cuz I didn't give myself enough time to plan.

Take some time off work, if possible, to get to the finish line. I took no days off of work, which was definitely a choice, and I still got pretty far, but I wonder how far I would've gotten had I taken some days of the month off to work on writing. Next year, I'll take some days off throughout the month to get more writing in and not burn the candle at both ends.

I know these tips won't work for everyone, but that's what I'm gonna do next year to increase my chances of success. Happy writing!

[frankthesnek]

❦ ➷ get to know your fellow fanfic writers better ༊ ✧.*

Tagged by @chaos-monkeyy thank you so much! This was a really fun one to think about for some of the questions.

When did you post your first ever fic? Oh gosh first ever? According to FFN October 15th, 2008 😵‍💫

First character you wrote for? So I started off as an anime kid.... not gonna be specific but YuGiOh GX.

Main characters you are currently writing for? Tony Stark and Steve Rogers mostly. I can not stop with these guys right now. Personally wise that are so fun, and physically 😳 they are both fucking banging.

Characters you haven't written about before but plan on writing about soon? I am really trying to psych myself up to write for TWD because I looooove Rickyl and have never done anything with them. Since I'm into MCU I have been thinking about Thorki a lot. I loooooved them when I was younger so I might try that. Also, tinkering with a couple YuGiOh fics for Violetshipping. (Basically.....I'm all over the fucking place and have gone crazy 😁)

Fandoms your currently writing for? MCU, ed edd n eddy (sorry folks that though it was weird was not a one off I'm writing more!!!)

Platonic pairings you currently write for? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 none. And there will probably never be any.

Romantic pairings you currently write for? I feel like I covered this in my previous answers lol Stony, Kevedd, Violetshipping (a little bit, early stages), Style (hopefully will have a couple with them done soon!)

Your top 3 tags on AO3 if you post there? First time, established relationship, getting together..... well that was underwhelming 😮‍💨

Current platform where you post your works? Just AO3! I had FFN way back when, but I will not be going back there and will probably never claim those old fics. Small dribbles are sometimes posted here but not often.

Snippet of the WIP you are currently working on? This will be my 100th fic on AO3 and I am in love with it and can't wait 😭

Or… had been. Picking up the shirt from the counter Steve held it up against his body and couldn't keep the sad little laugh in. It was massive compared to him now. Shaking his head he balled it up and threw it in the corner. Would Tony even want him now? It was the question he had been trying very hard to push away but it kept coming back. This had started with sex for the former playboy, would this sudden physical change derail everything they had built together? The mirror fogged over, going opaque and saving Steve from having to see the tremble of his lip as that fear washed over him. Stepping into the shower he let the heat soothe him and tried very hard not to dwell on those dark intrusive thoughts.

Tags for @dedkake @spurious @sparrowsarus @colonelshepparrrrd @hero-in-waiting

[adultswim2021]

!!!EMERGENCY POST!!!

Sometimes I forget to cover a thing, so I add the phrase “EMERGENCY POST” to the top of the post to indicate that. So, without further adude:

Tim & Eric Nite Live #1: “Delicious Pizza” | November 6, 2007 - 10:00PM | S01E01 Aired on superdeluxe.com

Folks, I messed up. While this blog was always meant to be more about the proper television content of the Adult Swim original comedy ecosphere, I was planning to at least touch on some of the web-only content. While covering it in-depth wasn’t going to be a requirement I could work with, I was, however, planning to make an exception for Tim & Eric Nite Live. But I didn’t think about formally making sure I wasn’t gonna miss it until it was too late. I falsely remembered that the series started sometime midway through season two, rather than a few weeks before season two. I’m so sorry. But, being a spin-off somewhat of Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! I’ve decided to count this, and I’ve decided to do a brief run of posts catching up with this series so I can weave the few remaining 2007 episodes where they actually belong on the timeline. 

Tim and Eric Nite Live is an achievement. It’s one of the funniest things they’ve ever done. How can two Pennsylvanians, such a universally reviled demographic of people, be so goddamn effortlessly funny? It boggles my mind.

This is basically a public access show for the internet. It’s clearly influenced by their own love of public access shows. A lot of people from Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job showed up to participate in this. You had Richard Dunn, showing up to get shaved (sometimes played by the real Richard Dunn, but briefly and absurdly played by Zach “big time” Galifianakis” for a brief stretch), You had David Liebe Hart performing music and interjecting way too much from the sidelines (which yields some of the show’s funniest moments, nearly derailing the fabricated trainwreck into a real one). 

This one opens up with a wonderfully elaborate intro sequence, which makes the show seem like an attempt at a slick news-magazine show. What we get instead is an endless small-talk segment that is clearly paid advertisement for Papa John’s Pizza. To clarify: they aren’t actually getting paid by Papa John’s they are just doing their goddamn best to sincerely sell the idea that they might be. They are so good at laying it on thick. Tim decreeing “I’ve never seen anything like this” regarding the Papa John's website is hysterical.  

Other memorable moments: Tim backhandedly insulting We Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which was actually being advertised on the front page of Super Deluxe’s web page. I’ve done a very poor job of approximating what it might have looked like if you were watching this web broadcast on the front page of the site. It’s on top of this write-up. I tell you, streaming this show was hellish at the time. I remember sitting through entire episodes of the show and just watching all of my friends comment on it in an AIM chatroom while it buffered endlessly for me, so I only got to see a few snippets here and there as it aired live. 

It really was live, too. They took Skype calls from fans, and treated them poorly. My favorite call is a cute girl named Kate who DLH immediately starts hitting on (he nearly gives her his phone number only to be cut off by Tim & Eric). She refers to “Jayne and Wan” Skyler which prompts an immediate hang-up from Tim, incensed that she got the names wrong. 

Another memorable bit is DJ Doug Pound presenting the mostly lame Tim & Eric cover song contest. This bit ends with Doug very sillily walking into the camera as he leaves, causing a huge disruption in our visual experience of the show. Tim scolds him for doing an extra bit of comedy that the show did not need. 

It’s important to note: Tim & Eric eventually released higher-quality versions of these that are in roughly DVD quality. From what I can tell they are uncut but with one exception: this first episode is missing around a minute’s worth of footage towards the beginning. My guess is that their own high-quality archive of the stream failed, but since they had the opening sequence as a pre-recorded video they just stitched that to the front of their incomplete archive. If you find the lower-quality version online, it has a SuperDeluxe network bug in the corner. This is the more complete version. I made a composite version a long time ago but I don’t know if I have it handy anymore. If I find it, maybe I’ll throw it up online sometime?

[angelcloves]

Just read the latest chapter of S&S! Lol at the "safe house" being the CATs HQ. Of course it is, I have no idea why I was expecting an actual house. I'm with Hunter on it not being very homey, he now has less privacy and fewer possessions then when he was still under Belos's thumb! No wonder he's so anxious. Raine's getting a bit ahead of themselves, to the point it set off a lover spat with Eda! Raine, I love you, but please brush up on your communication skills. Manipulation isn't a good way

Pt. 2) rekindle a previous relationship! The confirmation that Belos doesn't know that Camilla is back on the Isles is very nice and supremely interesting though! I can't wait to see where that plot thread leads, XD. I like (Actually, love) Camilla and Darius's back and forth with each other. She's very open with him... I definitely sense some big unresolved emotions between them though, from both sides. I look forward to light being shone on them going forward and not just because I want to see

Pt.3) if any of my theories regarding Camilla's palisman are right, XD. Oh sure Camilla, keep telling yourself that Eda is going to be the one adopting Hunter at the end of the story, not you. You're definitely not super attached and separating from him wouldn't be as traumatizing for you as it would be for him. /s Hunter spying on Camilla and Darius's conversation? Well, perhaps not deliberately, I got the sense he sort of just walked in on them and got caught up in what they were discussing.

Pt. 4) :( Poor buddy, he's afraid to show himself being vulnerable with Darius around. I really don't like how he still refers to Hunter's previous loyalty to Belos as being a "lapdog". Hunter was born into what was effectively a cult, raised by the Leader of said cult to be his perfect little boy soldier and was severely punished every time he so much as stepped an inch out of line. Of course an abused child is going to be "loyal" to their abuser and eager to please them, that's how they

Pt. 5) survive! I get that he was looking out for Hunter and was trying to keep him safe while they were both within the Emperor's Castle, but he the way he went about it was terrible. He actively antagonized Hunter on multiple occasions, obviously he couldn't get all buddy-buddy with the kid because Belos had eyes and ears everywhere, but the least he could've done was be civil to him. It's something that I feel like the TOH fandom deliberately overlooks because it's an uncomfortable subject.

Pt. 6) So I'm bemused that Hunter thinks that Camilla has managed to "declaw" Darius, I have to wonder if how he's acting around her and the other CATs is closer to his actual personality than how he acted in the Castle. And yes, the pressure is mounting as the Day of Unity draws every closer... Still curious about King's status as a Titan and what impact it will have on the story. You did draw some attention to it and it's roughly the right time in the Canon timeline for it to be revealed...

Pt. 7) Plus I eagerly await to see how Camilla's presence during the Day of Unity affects it! I have a feeling her plans to head home after it are going to get derailed, courtesy of The Collector... Or maybe not! Maybe you don't intend to bring The Collector in, after all, why write an Alternate Universe fic if you aren't going to turn Canon on it head? Lol.

oh man i missed getting mile long comments on s&s!!!!! lets address some of this. raine is really enthusiastic about camilla arent they! reunions with eda aside they were absolutely brimming with excitement to have camilla on their side. theyve got plans that are being set in motion and now they finally have their trump card. looks like were going to be holding our breaths on this plot thread.

camilla and darius are still sorting through a lot right now. darius has a rebellion to lead and camilla has a grimwalker to get into an adopted home. but theres something there between the two of them. an uncomfortable past? a bitter fallout? who knows.

as for darius and his interactions with hunter. i took some care to tone him down all the way back in chapter 6 when he was willing to concede and let hunter go spend some time with his new friends but he was never the greatest to him prior to that moment. he just doesnt know how to handle himself around a traumatized child for the most part. everything about working under the emperor is cutthroat and nasty and theres just no room for even the tiniest sliver of kindness. hes making an attempt here but he just hasnt had to use a light touch in so long. theres a learning curve here. i wanted to emphasize the fact that hes not going to be perfect with hunter but that he really does care even if he isnt currently equipped to do so. darius is part of hunters support system right now. hes got lots of hands to help him up but theres multiple outlets there because nobody can give him everything he needs and thats okay.

but its funny you bring up the collector

[187days]

Day Seventy-Seven

Today was six kinds of hilarious.

It’s pajama day, which was awesome, since I got to roll up in Old Navy PJ pants, a hoodie, and fuzzy socks (all of which got compliments from my students, haha). It’s also the day of the staff holiday breakfast; instead of PLC meetings, we’re treated to a buffet made by the advanced culinary students and chefs, and served by the administrators. This year’s was particularly good. I had some awesome stuffed french toast, eggs, crispy bacon, fruit salad, and, of course, coffee. I ate with my Cacophonous friends in Ms. A’s classroom (there’s a cafe attached to culinary, but it’s small, so we opted to find our own spot), and we exchanged gifts after we ate.

I also got some gifts from students today: candy, homemade cookies, and this really cute (and delicious!) charcuterie box one ninth grader’s parents delivered. That was so nice!

And, speaking of the ninth graders, they continued with their current affairs assignments today, and it was another awesome day. They asked me if we could do some fun and games tomorrow if they got that assignment done today, and I agreed to those terms (not telling them it was already my plan once I saw how quickly they were completing their work... can’t let my Grinch-y reputation go), so they worked hard. It wasn’t quite as pin drop silent as yesterday, and there were a couple attempts to steal one boy’s water bottle and another boy’s “emotional support chicken” (literally ones of those rubber chicken noisemakers... the ways of ninth grade boys are mysterious). But they were still pretty focused. 

I did accidentally derail my Block 3 class about ten minutes before the bell. One of the girls who was done her work asked what I wanted for Christmas, I said money for traveling this summer, they joked about going along with me, and I said I was going with a guy. I should’ve known they’d lose it when I said that since I’m pretty tight-lipped about my personal life. They demanded details, I gave a few (his name, his age, how we met, what he does for a living) and they made up the rest (he’s rich, he spends tons of money on me, we’re going to get married). It was pretty funny. 

Also funny: accidentally revealing my ex-boyfriend to my GOV class. 

So, before we got into the things I’d planned to teach, we watched and discussed President Zelensky’s address to Congress because it’s important. Once I’d fielded all the questions students had about that, I went back to the regularly scheduled lesson. I lectured on what drives voter turnout, voter behavior models, and campaign GOTV efforts. One of the boys observed that those efforts cost a lot of money, so that was my segue into teaching about campaign finance law. Students read an article explaining FECA and the FEC, we talked about it, and then I showed them hot to search hard money donations on the FEC website. I searched my own as the example, and clicked on an ActBlue donation to show them how it’d been earmarked, figuring it was one I’d sent to our local congressman. 

Nope.

See, way back in college, I dated a guy who later ran for Congress. The donation I happened to click on? Was totally the one I’d made to his campaign.

Should’ve checked the date...

Anyways, I laughed and said, “Okay, well, that’s my ex.” And, again, because I so rarely talk about my personal life, that totally surprised and amused my students. A beat later I added, “I broke up with him when I took this job. You’re welcome, class.”

That’s a true story, and it got a big laugh. 

So, hey, we’re learning, we’re having fun, it’s all good. More on campaign finance law tomorrow, but I will write my notes in red and green markers to make it festive!

[dumbbitchfrommars]

12am and i cant sleep.

its been so hard adjusting to all the change. it was unexpected, and i got used to something and didnt realise how that momentum would just disappear and how uncomfortable i would be about that.

i think i got used to the chaos of being a student. now i feel stuck, and im doubting myself. im really, really questioning.

but somehow i was blessed with a really wonderful man amidst it all?

doubt/fear/self criticism. its confusing me... i havent properly cried in so long. ive just gotten a bit too comfortable with the subtle, constant voice in my head putting me down for every little mistake and unmet expectation.

i am a good writer. i missed writing, really writing. i got so lazy. i feel so lazy, all the time. like im never quite putting in 100%, but if i did, i know id be able to achieve so much. id be so successful - probably at anything i put my mind into.

instead im so afraid of failing or being disappointed that i barely try at all.

my confidence is thin... i wonder if people can see through my facade?

im so ashamed and angry at myself for losing my temper today. it completely derailed the rest of my day. i feel terrible. i deserved to get in trouble today. it was my karma for being impatient, and mean, and angry. life is not that serious. nothing is worth that kind of anger. no stranger deserves that kind of anger...

im so tired but the coffee that i knew would throw me off is keeping me up. i was shaking for half the day today! i genuinely helped so many people but i also feel judged, criticised and under appreciated. i am not rostered again for this entire week.

work is not worth this frustration and anger and hurt. ive exhausted myself analysing the situation and its done. but, what is left if not that? what do i worry about instead? how others might judge me for dating this guy? or how my car is stuck in a carpark tonight and might be towed away by the morning? or, that i have $40 to my name right now with multiple trips interstate planned in the next few months? money doesnt matter. it never really mattered and is the least of my problems, and yet it floats back to me constantly like a persistent fly. i got bit on the fucking face by a mosquito!

but being hugged like that healed something in me. it was the most comforting hug ive had in so, so long. i could cry just thinking about feeling that way all the time. so warm and safe and protected and loved.

its nice to feel like i can be a shy girl again. like i dont have to pretend to be confident all the time, cause someone else is already, and hes ready to take the lead for me. so i can let my guards down and just be my self and not worry about scaring him off or making him insecure. and i like the way he tells me things. like he really shows me, and gets me to visualise what hes trying to explain. and i like how he rubbed my knee when i said i wasnt listening to him for one second. and i like how he kinda just decided for me that were hanging out again tomorrow. and i like how he asked "are you okay" when i got all anxious and made me laugh at myself instead of being awkward. how did he do that? he helped me not overthink by making a sweet joke and i could laugh. and my critical side is non existent when im with him, cause hes so confident in himself. hes so man. and i actually like him. i like talking to him, i like his personality, im drawn to him, i think hes attractive. i mean, he has odd style but it suits him. and he has some opinions that i disagree with but they arent dealbreakers. and hes such a boyyyy like hes so masculine man like wow they really do exist. all i had to do was look in a different place to my own. I KNEW IT TOO. i knew i liked them a little rough around the edges. ugh. okay. i think thats enough fawning over him now.

i wonder when we'll finally kiss. i dont think im ready yet... im scared of rushing and getting hurt again. i think he can tell and thats why hes been so slow and gentle with me. is crazy, isnt it? i seem so confident and attractive and cool from the outside. i feel like everyone profiles me as having so much handed to me. but its honestly so scary and hard to try do relationships and friendships. ive been hurt so much and im so so sensitive. but maybe i seem strong and like my walls are up or something, so people think im indestructible. but secretly im so soft and fragile and i need time. and i feel like hes giving me that time? like i dont think ive ever gone this long talking to a guy. i havent hung out with a guy 3 times without kissing once. thats a lie... but its also true, cause the taurus i always just expected it to not be romantic. i dont think i ever really saw us being in a relationship. but i can see myself with the scorpio. so its even a shock just for me, to see how seriously im taking this by not rushing. i want everything to be special and the right timing. i even want to meet his family and friends. and my sister really likes him. thats how i know hes good for me. because shes never wrong about people. could this be why i had such a trainwreck day today? did i receive some kind of evil eye the other night? but...who...? everyone seemed so sweet and happy and lovely. maybe its just a bad day and i shouldnt overthink it.

ugh.

its fucking freezing cold and now its past 1am. ugh.

i would love another one of those hugs, please. it was so lovely and nice and ugh. holy shit. i really like him!