#but in ecuador i did get terribly drunk and i was with a friend (guy) and it was a pool party

[woahajimes]

i feel such an incredibly frustriating yearn

[mylifeisaboringmess]

On 2016 and 2017: a letter to myself

Disclaimer: This one is late I know, I wrote this a while ago but I just didn’t have the guts to publish it in my other blog. So here it is. 

Dear me, 

Congratulations! You survived another year, a hard one, a terrible heart-wreaking one. I don’t think you have cried this much for the world in one year alone, I don’t think you have prayed for so many different (yet concrete) strangers ever. Including ones from your own country, for multiple reasons. Syria, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Turkey, EEUU, France, Belgium, Germany, Ecuador, Peru, Italy, New Zealand, the refugees, the Orlando victims, the Aleppo victims, and more. You were on my mind. Every. Single. Night. 

You survived an earthquake that killed probably many more than the official numbers say, you survived endless nights of not sleeping peacefully in fear of replicas, you survived the constant feeling of a replica freaking happening when it wasn’t. Maybe that could be considered light PTSD, imagining the ground shaking all the time, imagining your house falling down with you inside, unable to get out, being triggered by your bed shaking a little when jumping onto it. Who knows. You’re probably exaggerating. 

You survived another year of feeling empty, sad, tired, etc etc (little whiner) almost every day without a confirmation if you actually have depression or  if you are making it all up in your head. You survived another year of wanting to die and living in constant pain and tiredness because you fear God too much. I’m freaking glad you are religious, even if I die a little bit inside with every passing day.

You survived a whole year without your best friend, your second mother, your favorite person in the world, your companion, the person you probably loved the most. I miss you Ma, I miss you so much and I don’t think it’s ever going to get easier living without you. I’m sorry, but you left too early. We all still needed you even if you thought we didn’t. 

You survived graduation, growing up, your first hob, traveling on your own for only the second time in your life, living by yourself (and feeding yourself)... at least until now. Maybe tomorrow you’ll get killed when cooking dinner, who knows. (No I’m not a fatalistic person, you are.)

You survived another year of being single. That’s 19 and counting. You’ll probably survive 50 more. You’ll probably die an old maid surrounded by books because God knows you cannot take care of animals and 15 cats don’t need to be ignored by someone, they need love and happiness and beautiful things. Not you. 

You survived loneliness and sadness and unrequited crushes and getting distanced from some of your best friends. You survived shyness and being a socially awkward introvert, oh and anxiety, you survived anxiety (even if it did make you put on some weight that you desperately need to lose right this second stop eating so much chocolate for goodness’ sake.)

Also you still haven’t come out yet, well this letter sort of counts right? I’m bisexual guys, yay!

You did make some new friends which is awesome and you did enter one of your dream universities (you needed options after all) and you are studying something you love, so cheers on that. 

So for 2017, what do you plan to do?

Here’s some ideas:

1. Pass freshmen year with good enough grades (some classes are hard ok, that’s ok, don’t put that much pressure on yourself.)

2. EXERCISE, it’s for your health dammit. 

3. Write more. Read more. You were lacking on these last year.

4. Maybe self-love is too unrealistic but try saying nice things to yourself more often. You are beautiful in the right lightning, I swear. 

5. Get a therapist to confirm or deny your self-diagnosed something? Stop being afraid of it being all in your head. Maybe tell your parents you have been like this since you were 14. Just say something. Stop being ashamed. Stop being afraid. 

6. Talk more to your parents and high school friends. And your sisters, you love them too,

7. Get a job. Quickly.

8. Travel as much as you can. You are in Europe, things are around the corner here. 

9 Actually all those legal things you need to do. You want to stay in Spain at least until you finish your degree. 

10. Go out more, meet more people, let loose a little you are going to be 20 and you have done nothing your whole freaking life. You don’t need to get drunk (I get it, most alcohol is just disgusting), you just need to do things. 

(I’d put fall in love in it but girl I need to chill a bit with being a hopeless romantic, it’s not good for me to be so needy, it’s gross.)

Anddddd I think that’s it, feel free to add anymore even though you are not going to actually do any of these. Do not worry, you do you.

With love, 

Me, myself and I