#but im trying. and ive made a lot of progress already. & thats what matters in the end.

[orcelito]

I've kinda been existing in the realm of "everyone I know is going to die, many sooner than I expect" for the past few years. Considering. Ykno. But I don't register that's not the norm most of the time. I lived 22 years of my life not experiencing proper grief, after all. Only a few people I barely knew had died. No one I was ever close with.

One of the first things my new therapist said when greeting me (after having reviewed the preliminary questionnaire I filled out) was something about how sorry she was at my unimaginable loss. And I just had a moment of like. Huh. No, it really Isn't normal to lose 6 members of my family and 2 cats in the span of 5 years. No, that isn't normal at all.

I hope I don't have to experience any more unexpected losses anytime soon. I'd like to have faith in people's permanence in my life again.

[prof-peach]

Bit ooc but I have a question. How you do go about planing out your PLA comic? Like how do you actually turn your ideas/ storyline into comic form? Is it chapter to chapter or do you have the whole idea already planned out? Trying to find my own way in comic making so I’m just wondering if you could give any advice. Feel free to ignore if you don’t feel comfortable answering

So, at first this was al i could think to send.

because its incredibly accurate to my process.

Jokes aside, a lot of how i work is back and forth chaos, fighting with ideas until im happy with them. I will start with a list (usually not written down because im unhinged and keep a ot of it in my brain) and organise it in a way that makes sense to the situation, in this case workign with a game with an established plot...not that its a very strong one.

with a set of ideas, and a game to work around i will ramble and rant to a few choice people who i bounce well off, and also stare into space for hours on end building the ideas. This process can be days, it can be years. For context, i have some notes from 2019 about things i wanted to include that are still relevant. I have been scheming how to break and rebuild this OC for ages. Theres no correct time frame, so long as you simply do the work.

Once i have a fairly loose plan, i start to solidify the benning and the end. What is required to make a character compelling, what makes them believable, what makes them human in a way that we recognise. this isnt always a positive thing, people like to call characters who do bad things problematic, but its human nature to make mistakes and be damaged or difficult, the process of the story is not always rainbows and sunshine. For me, this hits even harder, as im trying to tell a story from the perspective of someone fundamentally broken, so showing those breaks and cracks has to be done wisely.

This is the point where i make notes about things that need to change from the start to the end. And ill say one thing, this story in particular, I have not solidly planned the middle. I am allowing space for me to come up with new ideas at points. Being locked into a dead set of ideas can be quite limiting, and as creators we consume and process things constantly to generate new stories. Id be a fool to make a plan and stick to it. everything i do is vague guidelines.

However, I know exactly how the story ends in Hisui, and where it goes to from there. And i think me personally knowing the end goal makes it easier to plot steps towards that, and some of those steps are anything but progressive.

If nothing else, the end was the only thing i saw clearly, and it has only become more complex and loaded and emotional as the rest of this has fallen into place. If you can see the goal, you can work out how to get there with time.

Regarding the chapters, i tend to draft plan up like 3-4 of them at a time, and then go in order to sketch out one after the other, so i have plenty of time to change things while i adjust. its constantly a process of seeing what you make, seeing issues, and scrapping whole parts just to redraw something better or new, unique even. I dont think a single page ive posted has resembled the very VERY first draft thumbnail ive made, and thats just how i do. Every panel, how big they are, the angle you hand the viewer, the way you light things, the expressions, this all dictates SO SO much.

Taking time over it is kind of the job, and let me stress, this is normally a job done by a team, especially the highly popular comics. one inks, one colours, one shades, one handles text, one edits, theres so many people behind it, so dont be bothered by the pace at which things are made if youre working alone like i am. One person means longer production times, if you can, spread the workload out, but its not required. Its why i always say it doesnt matter how long it takes to make, so long as youre still making.

I think its also worth noting, comics are consumed quickly, the bakcgournds and small details can be lost in the ace of the storytelling, pick and choosing your battles is wise, save your time on panels where you want the reader to shift along quicker, keep that pace high, and add in more detail and depth to panels you want to champion or get the viewers to hang around on more. its ok to let go of a "perfect" image in favour of getting content out, if youre being driven nuts by it. Again, time be damned, be happy with it. And if you can let go of petty details, id suggest doing it when possible, so long as it doesnt effect the storytelling.

I mean what else can i even say. This work is a passion project, I love it, more than i can even put into words, and i think you kind of have to, to make comics without monetary motivation. sure you can get lucky and find ways to make it big, but for most of us, its the love of the story. So maybe try not to be your biggest hater, its easy to slip into the behaviour, so try be gentle on yourself and the process. I should take that advice myself haha! but i really do mean it. This is HARD work, so be kind to yourself over it.

anyway, with a rough idea, a bunch of sketches, and time, they get inked and fussed over, i make a billion changes to layout and story, and eventually posting can happen but not after fighting with the monster that is creating. Idk what else i can say. This is not work for the feint of heart, but anyone can learn to do it.

Good luck, comic artists can always use it!

[wawek]

what's your ranking of all the rpg systems you've played from most to least favourite? i don't have anyone to play with atm but i'd like to try out a new system someday! (<- has played neuroshima most of her life and there's only so much depressing post apo one can stand)

1. City of Mist - great control over your character, you can basically make them do literally anything you dream up. Character progression is very focused on your characters personal growth (or getting more evil :P). Not too complicated (speaking as someone on campaign 3 whos only skimmed character creation and the moves shorthand guide)

2. Now my ranking falls apart, i have about the same fondness of both Monster of the Week and DnD.

Monster of the Week is very simple, which is good if youre just in it to have a short campaign with people who dont like learning a lot of rules. I found that playing it for longer made me feel like my characters class didnt matter that much besides my base stats... def more of a narrative based game but also i mostly took the less exciting classes so maybe thats why. Still! Pretty fun and you dont have to invest a lot to get started.

DnD 5e, jakie jest, każdy widzi... It's good, i already know how to play it and you can do a lot with it 👍 at the same time you cant do all that much, role play is not mechanically rewarding enough in my opinion, and trying to make it do what you want it to do often feels like a struggle. Its good its bad, i like it but i wish people stopped telling me to reskin dnd when im looking for a survival horror ttrpg.

Some quick mentions of things i played not enough to have an opinion on: did a one shot of Call of Cuthulhu 7e in like 2018 and ive been trying to play it again ever since with no luck 🙏. Played Fiasco once as a break between campaigns, quick and fun if youre looking for one evening kinda deal. Wanderhome is an adorable game that ive tried only once for a short short time but id love to play again at a tea party or something cute like that. Tails of equestria 👍

[bring-us-back-light]

1. "men who dont choose to enforce the patriarchy dont exist, you cant opt out" and "men have to choose not to enforce the patriarchy to not suffer under it" are incompatible. the logical combination of that is that men are incapable of not suffering under the very thing you claim isnt real

2. just because people can experience other forms of loneliness including other forms of class loneliness doesnt make this one not real. and youve already acknowledged it as real elsewhere so stop trying to change your argument. is it not real, or is it real but men deserve it inherently?

3. male loneliness is the impact of a system on individuals. you cant only talk about men as a class or only talk about men as individuals on this topic

4. oh i see. you think recognition of a problem leading to suffering somehow absolves the people suffering from any part they had in it. im not claiming that. the people ive heard speaking of male loneliness arent claiming that. yes it makes it harder to reach them. thats not saying they arent still culpable for their actions. and likewise being culpable for their actions doesnt mean they arent suffering and that everyone wouldnt benefit from us working together to resolve the issues

5. side note of intent vs impact: depends on what youre talking about. if youre talking about protecting victims, (most things) victims healing, and supporting victims, yes intent doesnt matter. only impact does. but if youre talking politically about dismantling a system like patriarchy, and analysing its impacts, then intent and impact both matter. and sometimes intent is also important for restorative healing between a victim and a perpetrator

6. regarding education... this is a lot. you can educate people into caring about others. everyone is capable of learning at any age and its terrifying, from both sides, to take that as false. and im not arguing that men know not to hurt others, but its ridiculous to expect men to innately have an understanding of patriarchy and how all of their actions may or may not reinforce it. many people will stop doing things if the harm of their actions is explained because they dont understand, know, or realize, and they need to be educated. that isnt infantilization, thats how knowledge works. like this point was so un thought out and stupid it was hard and exhausting to respond to at all.

7. youre right, i shouldnt have made assumptions about why you care more about vengeance than progress. and im sorry for that. but you mischaracterize your initial post as something i would agree with, when it actually said that a real problem isnt real, and also put words in my mouth. i would never call your post feminist. if you actually wanted to pursue abolition of the patriarchy you would leverage this as a recruitment opportunity for disenfranchised men to have buy in to get rid of the system. patriarchy harms everyone and helps some people. use that, dont disregard it

also this isnt @op, i greatly appreciate op discussing this with me, even if weve been a bit unfair at points to eachother. i still feel like real discussion and communication is happening. but @ the anon or anons who i assume are sending me asks about thos thread that are just name calling me, either get a life, stop hiding behind anonymity, and/or actually present arguments. youre asks have been pathetic, ineffectual, and lack any discernable intent

already can't pretend to care about the male loneliness epidemic because it isn't real but listening to the way men actually talk about their friends/what they think friendship entails makes me care even less sorry

[lesbianathene]

Hi ik it's old but theres an ask in your hp tag where you say you dislike Hermione and that you might make a list of harry essays for ppl to read and I would love to see more about both?

ooo yes! i was going to but it slipped my mind completely!!

okay so i made a post of all my fav hp essay (more will probably come as i find them)

and now why i dislike hermione: (putting under a readmore for those who dislike negativity) 

imma split this into three catagories: book hermione, movie hermione, and the fandom.

book hermione (ive been doing a rereading of the series including higlighting and comments and tabs to keep track of my thoughts so)

she presents herself as being right all the time. that her opinion is the only one that matters. she consistantly ignores both harry’s and ron’s instincts and opinions in favour of one that she can believe. this does go down as the series progresses i’ll admit.

her dismissal of ron and his understanding of the wizarding world (especially as he was the one to actually grow up within it) and her belief that anything written in book is gospel is bewildering to me. like if you were truely passionate about learning then you would gather as many differing sources as possible and not just go ‘well i read it in a book so there.’

her treatment of luna. dear god, her treatment of luna. teenage girls are catty, believe me i know, but she ridicules luna for her beliefs. when luna mentions the creatures she believes to exist (nargles, etc) hermione of scoffs or batters luna with ‘how can you possibly believe that they exist??’. it reminds me very much of the militant atheism that the internet used to be so fond of. it’s just cruel and unnesissary

the whole house elf situation. i mean it’s disturbing the whole happiness in slavery thing jkr had going on i’ll say that first. but within the narrative hermione was so adament about prove she is in the right and everyone should do as she says that she blatently ignores the wishes of the ones she is trying to help. 

theres probably more but thats all that comes to mind rn

movie hermione

okay so i’m not a fan emma w*tson anyway. i think shes way too overhyped and imo shes not a particularly talented actress either. but thats just my opinion so y’know don’t sue me (also she aint that hot ngl)

movie hermione could ‘do no wrong’. she was always the one with the answers; regardless of it actually being more plausable that it would have been anothers idea, or the fact that it was originally anothers idea in the books like??? 

this ‘do no wrong’ attitude towards her character by the writers and directors and w/e meant that harry and all of his characterisation was thrown out the window and he basically became a 2D character and don’t get me started on ron. ron barely existed in the films but was crucial to harry in the books - moreso than hermione

fandom

god the fandom just kills me sometimes. everybody loves hermione cause shes a bOokwoRm~ like us~~!!!! i’m sorry but bollocks to that. hermione may be someone who reads but she’s not interested in what learning truely is - which is exactly why shes not and will never be a ravenclaw - shes more interested in reading to justify what she already thinks.

her and harry wouldn’t make a good couple. i’ll have to find the meta that explains this better but she spends a lot of time in the books doing exactly what harry doesn’t need, whereas ginny is perfect for harry as she actually compliments his behaviour than contrasts it. when harry has outbursts, hermione cries and is afraid (unhelpful and doesn’t benefit either of them), whereas ginny challenges harry back and engages with him (helpful! makes harry more mindful of his surroundings)

shes romanticised more in the fandom than in the movies (which is impressive, truely). the fandom almost believes that everyone should be like hermione. shes the best!1! shes better and smarter and the only one who matters!1!!! and im sick of it

dr*mione. just that. like are you willfully ignoring all the slurs and hatred in the books?? what?? i just???

[fairycosmos]

3/ like im talking to someone haha. Please dont respond if i made u feel idk uncomfortable or if u just dont feel like it! I always come see your blog and honestly you are my favorite person, you just feel safe and kind and like and actual angel kfhwkf ok i'll stop ilu bye 💞

hey love. i can relate to a LOT of what you said. im obviously not a doctor at all, but so much of what you described sounds like you're suffering from clinical depression or another form of mental illness. the impact of this can not be understated. it's easy to write off health issues that aren't physical, but your overall well-being depends on more than that. the symptoms are usually seriously exacerbated by staying inside all day every day, and by not relying on your support system (even if it's small.) and i totally get what that's like. it gets to the point where you have no accurate perception, everything just sort of feels genuinely hopeless even though in reality, that's never the case. but your brain will use your feelings of emptiness/sadness to truly convince you that it is. like, you think you only have 1 friend because of the way you are, right? but in reality, early adulthood is a fucking lonely place to be, since you no longer have school as a way of meeting people. it is sooo common to find yourself in periods of solitude when figuring out who you want to be. im not saying its not allowed to hurt, but it's not something to feel guilty over. anyway hating yourself because you're depressed and being depressed cause you hate yourself is a completely vicious cycle, and it is not your fault. i want to tell you that it is honestly natural to not know what you want from life at 22. you're just getting acquainted with adulthood, you don't have the experience to be self assured, and the world's already acting like you should have it figured out. 🙄 but one thing ive learned from observing my older sister and her friends is that none of them feel like they understand or like they're doing great. a lot of people in our age bracket are simply doing what they can to get through the day. because that is enough .there are no set milestones that you have to reach by X year in order to find future happiness, ok? what matters more, imo, is looking at what you can do right now to help break the cycle you're in. even if you don't want to. it all with taking care of yourself, everything else follows after. for me it was literally just washing my face and brushing my teeth every day. then building a loose outline of a routine. baby steps are very necessary and progress doesn't have to be fast or linear, but trying is always the point. if you have to rework your uni schedule then so be it. your mental health always comes before your education. i know thats easier in theory than in practice buy you need to look after yourself in order to find the motivation to attend your classes properly, and that will always be the bottom line.

more importantly though, i really think you need to talk to a professional about this. please don't ignore the idea, please don't give in to self destruction. if you're worried about the price, maybe you could research some cost effective resources in your area? there's often support groups, or community centers that may be able to refer you, or your uni may have a counseling system to offer....i know it's a lot of effort when all you want to do is hide. and im not saying it'll solve everything immediately. but talking to someone who is equipped to help you deal with the bad days AND who can help you identify the root causes of what's going on - well that can make a massive difference. medication may also be necessary, and very helpful. all of these options can make the future feel less daunting, and more like an enigma that is simply going to unfold as it should. talking and letting it all out can really give you a different perspective. it's ok to process negative emotions and to feel like giving up sometimes, but having the tools to know how to cope is what is going to allow you to find the sustainable 'okayness' that you're looking for. i understand that it's difficult, like beyond words difficult. but you are not doomed in the way you think you are. you're just young, you need support and you haven't lived the answers to your problems yet. so even if you just begin with calling a mental health hotline or talking to a friend/family member, or just considering it at least, then i really think that'll be a step in the right direction. it can seem sort of scary, but it's not as scary as suffering in silence and allowing this to get worse. especially because you don't have to. you're not alone. you may feel isolated, but you don't have to handle this all by yourself, love. anyway i don't want this to get too long but i hope you know that despite how much it hurts, there is always a way for everyone, including you. and you do deserve to create a wonderful life for yourself, even if you don't believe so. please think about what you need and curating your daily routine around reaching small goals that will make you feel better/get you out of your head. im absolutely rooting for you!! let me know if you need a friend. also thank you so much for sticking around on my blog dbdghfz im 😳😳 you're truly a sweetheart and i appreciate it so much. can't believe u like this shitshow but ily ❤️💘

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

long text wall of stuff. sorta vent

i think i sort of understand, but it's hard to find the words to place into context that feels right. i had a spiral earlier today because a manager (not from our facility but was visiting) called me "young lady" meaning COMPLETELY well by the sentiment, i know. though it made me want to vomit and want to cry.

it was like this strong resounding feeling of like your own skin suffocating you because oh no it all feels so so entirely wrong. and normally im able to brush off my agab pronouns despite hating it, but my chest was just so tight, and i wanted to shut down.

i felt too that by feeling things like that, i was being dramatic and that i should just- brush it off and move on, and i tried to!

but my heart just hurt. i felt wrong. uneased. bottled up and like i was about to burst open.

i texted my friend about this and it shot me further into a giant spiral of thoughts that still i feel so tied up in.

i blurted out about wishing i could just be a guy. and it wasnt in the context of me feeling like i was trans but just in the sense that i always feel as if im always resigned to my agab even though how hard i try to present myself as FAR from it.

theres always something of myself that makes people assign me to a box. and its like my skin wants to tear itself off of my bones because of how claustrophobic i feel of myself just being so wrong. its just such a complicated feeling to feel these things because people around me im sure would not get it, and my dad would probably try to talk me out of feeling the things i do even though he wouldn't understand fully. i mean he might because hes made so much more progress as a person than he used to, but it terrifies me to think about ever telling him things like wanting top surgery because of how massive of a thing that is.

even IF im an adult, hes literally the closest person in my life. i dont have irl friends. its just him and a few coworkers but we never talk outside of work.

i dont think hed react poorly, but i dont know if he wouldnt try to talk me out of things because hes done that before.

but it comes in waves- this claustrophobic dysphoric feeling of "wrongness".

sometimes im like 100% fine and then others it feels like im dying on the inside. ive talked myself out of it and to survive but its so complicated when everyone around you wants to put you in a box you've so desperately tried to disassociate yourself from.

society just doesnt understand nonbinary people and i hate it. i just want to appear more masc or androgynous instead of always being destined for my stupid fucking agab. its like im so tired too of always having to explain myself with people whenever i mention BEING nonbinary that ive just given up because all it is is just fighting to put my foot down with people. i already know who i am but people dont understand and i can't explain things to them because thats not why i am the way i am.

at least here i can be my true self and not be made to feel restrained by a label.

and so no i didnt correct that man either. because whats the point of it anymore. of any of this. sometimes i dont even know if i know myself and that scares me so fucking much because IM ME. i should know who im supposed to be, and yet something always happens where im like "maybe im wrong" maybe im doubting myself of any of this is worth it. EVEN THOUGH IK IT IS.

because i matter most in my own life.

i know im not a guy. i KNOW that, but i just dont want to be forced into being my agab because THAT LABEL makes me feel claustrophobic and like my chest is going to explode from being so tight. i dont know if any of this stuff even makes sense, i guess but its better than keeping things bottled up like i always habitually do.

cause ive been burned too much for me to feel like sharing stuff openly like this is good, EVEN if it is. ive got a lot of thoughts, i guess, and i feel like only the people online would even remotely understand.

ill get back to the dms and ask boxes later. i just dont feel right atm. its upsetting to me to think about all of this. i just wish there was an easier way to make people understand.

ive been feeling so burned out socially, too, so im sorry. its not yalls fault at all, i just get overwhelmed or anxious- heck.. both.

been doing what i can and what feels easy, but i feel like its not enough because i hate making excuses for shit but i genuinely do just feel overwhelmed by things sometimes on here. i get excited but i just wish i could divide my time evenly between a bunch of you without my social battery being gone. long messages feel so mentally exhausting even though i love hearing from yall and talking about things.

im sorry this is such a downing type of thing but i really think i needed to say this. other than that it was a good day. i hope your doing well.

why is gender so hard and confusing :(

[y4yrgswm-blog]

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[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

[skyl-xr]

finding myself

people always take about “finding yourself” as if soul searching is something that happens in a single period of time. But truly, ive always known who I am. I am bold, I love adventure, I am way too loud sometimes and I love to laugh. I know what I like and I know what I don’t. So I don’t really think that I would say that I am finding someone who wasn't already there, I think im just shifting focus. I dont owe anybody anything, which is something I need to remember. I don’t have you, but at least I still have me. I have been doing a lot better but every say is still a rollercoaster. I will have hours of good vibes only for a mood shift or a hard assignment to put me in a bad headspace. But all in all, I'm doing significantly better. I have been practicing rejuvenating my soul by spending time with the Bible, going to the gym every day, trying to eat clean, practicing my affirmations and manifestations, and so much more. I only tracked you one time in the past 8 days. Its not perfect but its progress. Its just hard to adjust to the new normal, but I know it is better to love you from a distance. I have this bad habit of romanticizing the past as if things didn’t change for a REASON. I am truly grateful for the experiences you brought to me and even though those people and things have to become obsolete, I am still thankful I got to relish in it for a even a little bit. But as time goes on, I realize that I was stuck in a place when I was meant to ascend to so much more. I was meant for an extraordinary life, this I have always known. I realize now that continuing life with you would have resulting in me giving up some very special dreams in order to feel comfortable with you. I cant believe I was going to put Hawaii to the side just so that I could be closer to you. fuck that. I am meant to see the corners of the world and to experience all the joy that life has to offer. As I have been doing some significant soul reconstruction, I realize how arbitrary the material things in life are. at the end of the day, its not going to matter to me what kind of car I drive or how large my house is. the only thing that will matter to me is the experiences that I get and the memories I can keep when I am old. Thats truly the only thing that really matters. And I think you would have held me back and I think our life together would have been filled with over-consumption and compensation. I dont want that for myself. I know the love I have to offer is so vast. that is why I stuck with you and all of your problems for so long. while I wasn't compromising any of my morals or values, I was compromising my standards. You were so smart and funny and driven, but you just were NOT giving me the kind of passionate love that I deserved. I know you care about me, or at least I think you do, but I think our vibrations are on two very different levels. And I hate to say it but I know I am above you. I want to forgive you for essentially wasting my time... it is just hard to forgive you while I am still picking up the pieces. and I think “wasting my time” Is too strong of a statement, because at the end of the day I would have chosen to follow our path if given the chance again. I needed to know what if, I needed to explore it and see if it was meant for me. unfortunately, I know now that it was not. and to be honest I am not sure what silver lining there is to come out of our relationship. I dont think I learned any lessons really, just not to give someone so much time to fix their shit I guess. The only thing I can say I take away from this is that the next time I date someone, I refuse for it to be a charity case. of course you should always be working on yourself but I am not your babysitter, therapist, nor will I ever again be the person who makes you grow into who you need to be. whoever is my next love will come to me already knowing who he is, what he wants, and how special I am. Because I truly am one of the most special people, not to toot my own horn. everyone else is just sooooo bleh compared to me. maybe its the god complex or the Leo in me speaking but I just know I am right. and I truly am so close. I keep having to remind myself that there is strength in solitude and comfort in the unknown. if I say it enough, one day it will become true. One day I will see you out and and it won't make my skin crawl. one day I will see your name and I won't have any aversions to it. one day I won't be as sensitive to 2020 and all of the memories we made in quarantine. one day. one day.... one day I will make my dreams come true. I will give myself everything I want and deserve. and its a shame that you won't be there to be apart of it. But I want you to be happy. Granted, at the same time, I want to be the person who got away for you (manifesting this). I want you to come back in a year from now when ive completely forgotten about your existence and when you only cross my mind every few months when I see your posts on instagram. I want you to miss the fuck out of me when you realized that nobody else will give you the freedom and consideration that I did. I knew exactly how your brain worked. I studied you and your coping mechanisms and I know exactly what your mood is based off of your mannerisms. I mean maybe you will find someone who will be able to do the same, but seeing how I was the first person you weren't in a co-dependent relationship with, I have a hard time seeing that being the case. But again, I DO want you to be happy... I just selfishly dont want you to be happy before I am. I want to win the race. And I will. this was so unorganized but I just had a lot on my mind that I wanted to write down. moral of the story is that even though it is hard, I am still happy. I am chasing my dreams and I am becoming the best version of myself that I can. thankful to be here living this crazy beautiful life 

[oakmd]

Congratulations ! You received 1,000+ followers !

Continue? ▶YES ▷NO

 Well, I can’t really express anything but amazement at such an accomplishment, and to be honest I’m pretty blown away that so many of you have stuck with me since the beginning of this blog, and that so many of you enjoy Professor Oak enough to stay. I’ll forever stand by the fact that this blog was the best 'joke’ I ever made, and probably one of the most fulfilling things I’ve actively kept at. 

As much as I hope this blog has helped you find comfort and laughter, RPing Professor Oak has definitely changed me for the better, as well. It has given me an outlet to heal parts of myself and provide help to others, and also pushed me to practice positivity even when I know I get so low sometimes that I don’t even want to try. Another bonus is that I have met wonderful people here, most of you just strictly friends on the dash, but I’ve also gained relationships with people that have extended into discord and I’m sure it has made all the difference this past year and a half. 

As usual, I’m not really a fan of long-winded gushes of emotion, so I’ll keep it short, but I would really like to have it be known that my love for Professor Oak has grown tremendously, in ways I would have never reached without taking the time to thoughtfully craft his backstory and work to develop him further. I know he’s a very nostalgic character that so many of us know and respect that I’m always very careful of how I choose to build on the image without ruining what’s already there.  Out of all my many muses here, this one has seemingly ( and surprisingly ) all at once snuck its way as my primary blog; the blog I always look forward to logging into the most, where I enjoy following your activity whether it be IC or OOC, and just generally enjoy being in the presence of people so passionate about a fandom associated with my childhood. I love this little corner of a community that has welcomed me and engaged with me and unknowingly kept me going, and to look back at my experience and see that I’ve had no trouble at all makes me feel really lucky.

There will never be a way to fully and accurately express my thanks, but I will say it anyway: thank you so much, and I hope that no matter where you go, and no matter what you do, you are trying to be your best, and that you’re happy. Professor Oak will always be there to congratulate you when you reach your dreams.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER ( because my mind is so scattered - ) special shout outs to special people: 

@timecapscle - wasn’t it you that said i’d one day get 1,000 followers? : ) you’ve literally supported me since the beginning and i just wanna say that i appreciate your enthusiasm for professor oak as much as i appreciate your enthusiasm for bill. its wonderful to see someone represent an otherwise under represented character and you do it well. i care for you so much, and wish nothing but good things for your future even if you want to do bad things in the name of science

@diligentseeker / @evolutionexpert  - someone i consider a cherished friend, despite how sporadic our interaction seems, i appreciate all our random long talks on discord, and i’ll never forget our very first conversation. it meant a lot to me, and i want to thank you. i dont meet a lot of ppl that i feel ‘get’ me on some unspoken level, so when it happens, its a nice surprise. anyway i won’t ramble because i take it you’re not one for praise, but im glad people like you exist. with that being said please stop making professor elm stress me out.

@undinaes - the moment you’ve been waiting for. SIKE! just kidding; its no surprise that you’re always filling my dash with testimonials from people that see you for what you are. you’re a beam of sunshine with all the qualities to match; warm, bright, and a natural source of energy that brings people together. your passion for writing is astounding and even when ppl dont deserve your kindness, you’re unbiased in giving it out. truly a mom through and through. but most importantly, ur my girlie and im glad we met :v

@ofpalletown - in my mind, you are practically ash, and ill be here to support you even during all your moments of Extra™ ... but aside from that you’re very loyal to your friends and full of something sunny that i can’t describe. ur gonna be okay, kid. so pls stop stressing out ur dear prof oak 

@03redd - i probably mentioned not long ago that your blog is really good, but ill say it again in case you weren’t listening. i love your blog? its very fun to follow, and i think you’re one of my favorite reds. even with me not being game verse, its so easy to just immerse myself in whatever nonsense you have red drag professor oak into. i dig your creative energy. 

@normaliium - and ofc i cant leave out my cousin. the one to be admired, the ever-successful, brilliant human being that loves me even when i take off ten years of your life each night. my life would lack such substance without you, and i will never forget all you’ve done to help me when i would otherwise be left to myself. you make me really proud to know you, you really do, and everyone i ever talk to you about can attest to that. #YOLO

@bossgiovanni - you haven’t been active in forever, but you remain one of my friends and that’s all that matters. from skype to discord, im glad we could stick together even with our blatant differences in opinion. you are always so nice to me and say the kindest things, and i just wanna say thanks. hope youve been doing well! you are capable of so much, and i believe in you, so don’t forget that. 

@agentmansley - can i jsut say thank you for staying true to your muse and throwing even the purest of characters into your mess? i have loved your blog long before i made professor oak, and you’re seriously one of the funnest people i’ve rp’d with here. everything i’ve written with you is refreshing and new, and never fails to make me laugh. thank you for your love for kent, and also for writing with me. i know you’ve been MIA for a while, but you’re definitely a memorable person. 

@tcssaiga - i dont have a lot of cross-fandom interactions so when they happen im usually pleased. you’ve got great characterization, and have perfect dialogue. i never watched a whole lot of inuyasha but i’ve atched enough to know that you’re pretty close to canon. thanks for the interactions even if you’re mean to prof oak on archer ; (

@askgarymfoak - MY LITTLE ACORN!!!! the dedication you have for gary honestly gives me so much life, and i love rping with you on discord and just yelling about sam / gary hcs. its always a highlight of my day and i can tell you’ve thought about gary and his life long and hard, and its so cool to see someone interested in all that makes him the Headache we all recognize and love. please never stop sharing with me the personal hcs you have for the boy, i always want to hear them. 

@futureheld - we don’t even rp with each other on this muse BUT youre one of my longest tumblr rp friends that i still talk to and you’re really important to me. we have history, we go back!!!! okay? #FRIENDSHIP n all that. but tbh id follow you on any muse because your writing is just great? id write any weird crossover with you because you have a talent for making it work seamlessly anyway. thanks 4 the memories, loser. 

@seviiserver - CELIO!!! we dont talk as much as we used to, or rather, we talk in bursts every now and then but i consider you one of my good friends! not only are u really talented in all things artistic, but i love your writing and it’s always enjoyable to read, even if its not one of our threads together. you made me have so much adoration for celio and like all the other ppl ive met who bring life to underrated / under-rp’d muses, i enjoy seeing everything you pour into him... AND ALSO I LOVE OUR OAK / ROWAN INTERACTIONS? i love them so much it hurts okay. even if its just silliness in discord it brightens my day. anyway perhaps one day we will cross paths in this sleepless city and i will finally teach u how to ride a bike.

@rottenrhythms - i know i dont have much to say or comment with whenever you message me on discord, but i admire how much detail you put into your characters and meta. im always impressed with all the work and thought you put into your world-building; i wish i had that much drive. also, you’ve made a lot of improvement with yourself from the time i first started talking to you on skype. be proud of your progress, and keep working at it, it’s worth it in the long run!

@lack--two NATE youre definitely a very sweet person, and perhaps a little more devious ooc than i’d imagined you would be ( at least to me, why must you poke me for reactions? ; ( u wound me ) but you’re a soothing presence to be around and im glad you were finally able to make discord work. bonus points for letting me yell about yugioh all the time. never stop being wonderful. im here for you whenever you might need a listening ear, okay? 

@loyalpika / @palletbloomer - #PRIKA!!! ever since i first followed you i remembered being blown away by your extensive headcanons on pikachu and i genuinely enjoy every blog you make! we dont talk OOC but from all your ooc posts you seem like a very caring older sister and thats nice to see; with you running around all the time, i hope you do get some rest every now and then! i hope our camaraderie never falters, take care friend! 

@thepkmnnurse - i cant forget all the love and support both you and your muse have for professor oak, and im happy you try to spread positivity on the dash whenever you can! we don’t talk much OOC but from what i can tell you’re just as kind and nurturing as nurse joy herself. i hope you’ve been taking it easy wherever you are, and i hope your days are bright!

@rebelracket - will there ever be a day that i dont enjoy seeing your delinquent muse causing havoc on the dash? your creativity is wonderful to witness and i enjoy clarissa so much, thank you for interacting with a pure ol’ muse like mine. i hope we can continue to keep writing together, im excited at where we might end up. p.s. your art is delightful.

@porttownprince - you’re a gentle presence on my dash but im glad that youre here and that you’ve stuck around despite all the bad things that followed you. i hope you can overcome all the trauma you’ve been through. thank you for being kind with me!

@nikkouki - i know i dont say much but i enjoy your random check ins with me on discord, and i think youre a sweet young girl. you’re gonna go far in life, just make sure you keep going! continue being a precious kiddo and don’t forget to study your japanese ; (

@viciousvainglory & @midoriyamight - i cant think of one without the other so accept this double-tag lol. you’ve both supported this blog since the beginning and i wont forget how welcome you made me feel! no matter what blogs you’re on im glad we can still be friends! you deserve the big toblerone! 

@fateandfury - my long time writing parter without knowing we were long time writing partners! the work you put into professor juniper is something to behold! we haven’t seemed to interact much despite rping professor muses, but that doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate your take on such a muse!

OTHER BLOGS TO BE ADMIRED ( also in no particular oder) : @sterlingsilverchampion @starmarkcd @pxgtails @satanstories @champofpallet @golden-oak @spriggaens @nurturen @florenselite @craniumaniac @ask-guzma @tenderpoison @gocatchem @faemoria @hikaup@writtenbykaichu @executiveariana @honoxtokage @simikami @bigcalavera @rotorotom @thehopcful @and-they-succeeded @metalprincess13 @keep-those-memories-away @hisvanity @attitxde @asmayflies @sesshcmaru @theagentlooker @ambcrly @kantocowboy @dauphindekalos @beareroftheblueorb @blastingxff @aquaelegance @bugeyesboutique @make-it-trouble  @thunderstonereject  @theagentlooker @soultattered @scvedbylove  @diluviumx @inevitabilis-sors @pokedouche @fightiniumz @firespun

I’M SO SORRY IF I MISSED PEOPLE, THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR SOMEONE SO SCATTER-BRAINED AND MEMORY-FOGGED AS ME. EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT INCLUDED AND EVEN IF WE’RE NOT MUTUALS, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT OF THIS BLOG. WITHOUT ANY OF YOU I WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN HERE.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A GIVEAWAY!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[yutark]

time management tips

in connection to this post on how to manage two or more trainee muses, i thought i would just post up some of the things i do for joshua and yuta. i will try to keep this short and to the point, and remind everyone this is my own personal way of doing this -- and it will not work for everyone. its just some things that help me.

prioritising: my system for my trainees is, 

event, replies: because someone else is waiting for me on this event, they are prioritised, and if anyone follows me enough, they will notice i will usually do them asap. if i have 20 mins right before sleep, i will reply to the event post. since most events are four post threads, once my two are done, i treat it like a normal reply from then on.

trainee, replies: because these are how my muse progresses. they gather debut pts, trainee pts and the sooner my muse is debut ready, then i know i have done everything in my power and now it’s just helping others get debut ready and waiting for the chances. to help during the last few weeks with uni exams and assignments all being due, it was hard to keep track of everything, and i made this, on sheets, to help keep tracked and focused.

( when it comes to two trainees, i prioritise joshua over yuta at the moment. because yuta is debut ready, he has his mandatory achievements and his 50 pts. joshua is not yet, and its my goal on him to get him there. decide a goal for a muse, and it’ll help you. it lets you work out what matters more and put your energy to it. )

other, replies: this is usually done on a system of, ‘i want to get # of replies done today, so i will do the longest owing first, and then one i really want to do as my motivation.’ sometimes if i don’t have time, it will be done by muse. during the last two months, i have been busy with classes, so it was by muse more than what was longest owing.

event, solos: because these are point related, they take a little more time than a reply, but once they are done. it’s a one off thing, these are done by muse level. if i have muse for a solo, i will do it. i generally try to do them as soon as possible. my muse is highest right after an event is mentioned, because i’m excited to get it done.

like always, there is shifting and changing. i tell trainees if they need a reply, to just come tell me and i will move it right up the top and do it first -- even if ive done my two for the week, i will do it. if someone is doing an event with me, and they will be busy for the last two weeks before it ends, them telling me that means i will prioritise it to help them get it done quickly. communication is very useful if you ever need someones help with something.

time management:

during this semester, most of my other roleplays do their activity checks on sunday/saturday. rookies does theirs wednesday. my classes were wednesday/thursday during the week. i had to study for classes every week, i’m taking japanese which was hours of study. for weekly management:

i decided early on that friday would be the day i spent focusing on making sure my activity for the other roleplays would be done. it was my deadline for it every week. if i had not done it, it would be done.

saturday/sunday would be getting rookies activity done, it gave me two days to get trainee replies done, and activity for seungjun. that’s five replies. that was my goal over the weekend.

there were sometimes things that popped up. an assignment due on friday night, so my activity would get pushed back a day. it’s okay to give leeway, it’s okay to not make it to the goal. the best thing to do is not to procrastinate. procrastinating would mean if i left them until wednesday and something came up, i would be x5 more stressed. my goal was sunday evening, so i had still monday and tuesday if i did not make it.

if i did make my goal? i had monday and tuesday, or sometimes even sunday to do any other replies i wanted.

everyone has different schedules, it takes time to figure out what works and what day is best for you. some people are busier on the weekends, some are busier mid week, but making a schedule helps a lot. just don’t beat yourself up if you do not make it! scheduling early means you have time if you do not meet your goal. for daily management:

lists. i love lists. every morning i usually make a list of what i’m doing, for example, today’s list: washing the towels yuta + joshs trainee reply to jongin event seungjun reply reply to rk ims ssu replies + ims every time i cross something off, it means ive accomplished something. i can pat myself on the back and when i get to end of the list, i can decide, do i have energy to do more replies or do i want to lay in bed because my weekend has been busy -- which is why im doing these replies on monday for me. either way, what i needed to do is done.

when i was studying, i always put study first. i would wake up at 8-9am, study until i had everything done. i would focus my study during the weeks. real life was always more important than roleplay. school is my future, roleplay is my hobby.

also taking time for yourself is. i would schedule tuesdays or fridays as my days to relax. a day where i was not obligated to do anything. i had no list besides, ‘wake up’. if i felt like doing something, i would. take care of yourself, thats important too!

being busy:

sometimes you’re busy -- too busy. you don’t have time to do the two trainee replies. it’s okay to do the minimum. in the last 2-3 weeks, i’ve had 2 major assignments due, 2 tests and an exam, my grandmother was sick and she happened to pass. i had family obligations. 

i would do the minimum. i did one reply i had muse for on seungjun, i did trainee on yuta and josh. i picked short replies, i picked the ones i wanted to over time owing. if i found myself lacking in time + energy, i would decide, ‘i will only do ac on seungjun and yuta, and trainee on josh.’ if i had less, ‘i will do only one reply one all of them.’ and my final resort would be, ‘ill do text messages to people or sns’. because rookies has this neat rule ‘solos, replies, texts and SNS posts all count as an IC post, however, if texts or SNS posts are your only IC posts for two weeks in a row, you’ll still be cleared.‘

for one week, if i didnt have time, i could post texts or sns.

but there is always a chance to hiatus if you need to. it’s my personal preference, but i do not. it messes with my muse. but it was and is always an option for anyone.

updating points + welcoming newbies:

this is something you need to schedule time for. 

for me, i had classes on the day of acceptances and due to timezones, i would not be home until after. i never scheduled to do replies or anything on the days i had classes. but i would do points and welcomes

i plan my trainees points in a spreadsheet, i plan them eval to eval. right now i have yutas and joshs weekly and trainee points decided up until when i have to submit the evals. on my rookies, i plan a week ahead. so when i come home after a long day, i don’t have to sit thinking about it. it’s been decided. i just need to add them.

with trainee, i have a draft in joshs and yutas blogs where i copy and link up the trainee replies as i do them, so i dont have to chase them up later. (this is yutas)

i update and do points systematically -- i start on seungjun, follow and add his points. then i move to josh, follow newbies, submit his points and add his activity. and then i go to yuta. i scroll down the dash, follow and welcome at the same time and then get to the activity post where i unfollow + add ac points and submit yutas trainee.

it can take me a half hour to do all this. then if i have energy, i will decide points for seungjun for the next week or make sure i have trainee for the week. so if i need to contact someone, i will contact them. this means when i plan on saturday, i already know where i am and can work on writing.

using the queue/schedule:

the queue is a neat thing. 

if you know you’ll be busy, schedule things. you can actually schedule something to be posted on a day at a time. if you know the next week you’ll be busy, worried about whether you’ll have time, schedule a post for sunday 12pm the weekend before. thats your ac post, its done. 

at the moment, i owe maybe 30 replies over all my rk accounts. i will be using the queue to space out everything. i’ll queue the other replies i owe, ones to friends, ones that are not trainees. i’ll do 1-2 a day. it will give me time to catch up.

i have friends who queue their trainee replies as well, the queue tells you what day it will be posted and rookies runs on est. so you could write 7 replies, queue them today, put the other replies first and trainees will be posted in a weeks time and theres your trainee done for the week. do this every sunday, and you’re a week ahead every week, and if something happens, you’re good and have time to sort it out.

[allbeendonebefore]

What are your favourite head/canon things about Alberta

[cracks knuckles] [stretches fingers]

so i’ll just start with a disclaimer - i use sherry’s/iamp/whatever alberta and i realize ive been getting a lot of followers who are part of rp groups and whatever or people who might be interested in adding some depth to their own ocs so feel free to like… think about these things if you want if you’re thinking of doing an alberta oc?? I guess

so since that mysterious slash implies what are my fave canonical things about AB too I’ll say that there isn’t much- I go with what sherry says on canon rather than IAMP and PC because while there are a lot of things I had influence over in both projos there are a lot of things I would have done differently so we’ll start with the bio

Canon Stuff

literally all the things are accurate sooo its hard lol. Obviously the political situation has changed and the economic situation is its usual rollercoaster (WELL… but thats another time). I gotta say that the ‘alberta beef is the best thing that’s ever happened to me’ is really hitting home right now because i didnt realize how SPOILED i was by AAA beef until I got to Ontario ToT (ngl the pork here is super good and saves me money but the BEEF aAAA)

also my edmonton bias shines through at ‘he hates a part of himself called calgary’ thats by far my second fave B)))

Headcanon Stuff

ok where to start I will try to not make this an essay and i can elaborate more if you’re curious

- a lot of people will wonder about whether a province lives in the capital or the biggest city etc. and I have to say in Bertie’s case it is NEITHER. He’d never willingly live in (d)E(a)dmonton (sorry ed ilu) because Ed represents Government which he Hates and while he would spend a fair bit of time in Calgary he gets claustrophobic/exhausted - he still in my mind represents more of the rural bits of the province than the cities. I think he might move around a little, but he probably lives on a ranch between both cities but within sight of the mountains. I’m sure he has a place to stay in each city, but he’s a country boy at heart and appreciates his space, peace and quiet. 

- Particularly space because Where else is he going to keep his 3 trucks + 2 ATVs + horses + 100000 cows + boat + canoe + kayak + all his camping junk + motorbikes + dirtbikes + tractor + other junk that people leave at his place

- that said his ‘birthplace’ is the southern ‘half’ of the province so he tends to kind of hover around there more- as i said he owns a ranch rather than a farm because the Quality Ranch Land is in the south and the Good Farm Land is in the north (and being eaten up by ugly houses ugh)

- still I think he spends a fair amount of time working up north in the Fort Mac area because Why Not make All the money. Even if you’re a rancher boy in the middle of nowhere, everyone in this province has ties to the oil industry one way or another. It wouldn’t make sense for him NOT to work in Oil and Gas because it’s literally the only job in the province lmao.

- His driving playlist consists of: Dean Brody, Corb Lund, Keith Urban, Ian Tyson, and the obligatory Nickelback which he listens to Un-ironically but also to piss off/drown out passengers when they’re annoying him

- He’s easily annoyed. By Everything. And Everyone. He’s the current national scapegoat and he takes it Extremely Personally depending on the context but also he has a relatively affectionate relationship with everyone and usually expresses his affection by pointed jabs. 

- like he literally gets along with everyone on a personal level and not just because he buys them drinks- his worst relationships are probably with BC and Ontario and that’s just because he lives to irritate them and they respond with an appropriate amount of salt. He still doesnt mind hanging out with them and bc/ab/on/qc is an unstoppable team. He just gets extremely sensitive when anyone asks to borrow money from him and will give you an earful of ‘i work SO HARD for this money to put FOOD on YOUR TaBLe’

- generally really tight fisted with money………. only when other people are looking. he makes a big deal about how little he spends on essential services and you just look at him like ‘so you’re saying you have the money to get all this crap for this rodeo coming up but you dont have the money to take yourself to the hospital after’ and hes like [coughs up blood anime style] ‘im ok i have whiskey and benadryl at home’ [adjusts his diamond studded hat]

- really big on loyalty and straightforward conversations and has NO patience for any hypocrisy or doublespeak no matter how small. The slightest of things can send him reeling with Betrayal. Also this makes him either tight lipped or TMI, there is no in between. 

- like literally reeling he’s very top heavy and you could blow him over with a sneeze, he’s all bark and only some bite. When he’s good he’s Real Good but when he’s bad he’s like a foot in the grave bad

- he’s the baby of the prairie bros but also the one with the brains- and i don’t mean in an academic sense i mean in the ‘so crazy it just might work’ sense. 

- literally he’s an idiot he doesnt understand how equalization payments work no matter how many times you explain it to him. He doesn’t understand a lot of things re: the economy but he never shuts up about them. 

- the easiest way to piss him off is to threaten his autonomy in any way, he will stop whatever he’s doing to put a boot up yer ass if you Dare suggest something like ‘why don’t you let ontario/canada take care of that for you’ even if he knows the way he’s doing something is garbage he will go out of his way to keep doing it because its ‘my way or the highway’. 

- ‘why do you have all those guns’ ‘oh you know hunting deer and stuff’ [really its because he’s terrified a rat is going to sneak into his barn or something] [but he does actually hunt] [and he’s the type of guy to have the ‘trespassers will be shot’ signs]

- I haven’t figured out WHAT truck he drives yet but i am PROUD OF HIM for no longer putting truck nuts on it, THANK GOD that went out of fashion. (That said he does not have the stacks- his truck is lifted and Shiny and also has a handful of Alberta Strong decals/stickers.) Newf probably gave him a sticker of “The Rock” or a nfld flag and he Loves it. On a scale of most to least obnoxious trucks its Mac - Bert - Cal - Ed. It’s probably a white truck.

- i should think about things he loves more, this headcanon list is mostly things that make him angry oops xDD he loves animals a lot, and not just to eat i swear. The bigger and the more horns the better.

- he really loves driving a lot, it’s like a big part of his independence factor. I think sometimes he will just drive aimlessly late at night/early morning when it’s not busy and just go and find somewhere to look at the sky.

- he looooves digging up fossils in his spare time, or just interesting rocks in general. If you say the words animatronic dinosaur he is ALREADY THERE

- he watches a lot of sci fi and really loves star trek. So Much. he’s totally attempted mowing crop circles in his lawn/fields probably multiple times. he’s still waiting for the ufos to come land. Also has a thing for spooky places and cryptids and those weird inexplicable twilight-zone like events that only happen on road trips. did i mention the Giant Roadside Attractions. 

- he has this persona of being a traditional/small-and-big-c conservative but he’s actually really into innovation and trying new things, meeting new people, etc. He interacts with so many different people lately that he’s trying to take the time to really re-evaluate himself and move away from the Klein-era “Severely Normal People” image because it doesn’t reflect him. The issue is he’s more likely to vote on economy rather than social issues so his actual progressiveness gets hidden by lack of political representation (and lets be honest he has Always hated politics). He’s got a lot of crap to sort through but he catches people who underestimate him off guard.

- was probably raised methodist/protestant/whatever but is mostly pretty secular, but he has some definite strong holdovers that make him uncomfortable about certain subjects and his first reaction to being uncomfortable is always anger.

- completely oblivious to being hit on or something or really gay situations around him but is that type of person who is like [cant walk too close to another dude because what if it looks gay bro].

- his fave cow is named buttercup

- he has definitely woken up after a night out with friends naked and alone duct taped to an air mattress and floating in the middle of a lake. true story. 

- he will macgyver his way out of any situation. doesn’t mind getting down and dirty in the mud when it’s necessary. exactly the type of person to shove his hands in bitumen and squish it around or to pick up a rock and lick it or to shove a thermometer up a cow. When he gets squeamish he does his best to be bullheaded and pretend like Nothing is Wrong until he faints. 

- his french is crap but he Tries- the french he knows is backwater northern AB french which he’s too shy to bring up so he feigns ignorance. His german is good and his ukrainian is passable, his spanish is fine, he’s trying to get the hang of some other languages but doesn’t tell anyone he’s practicing because he hates getting made fun of xD

- the hat and boots are Absolutely to make him look taller than he actually is. He doesn’t wear inserts but he does make sure the sole/heel on any boot he buys is Thick. Smol insecure man with a Big hat. Will spend 300 bucks on shoes, but he actually does ride/work so its an investment for him. 

- heads to Arizona/Mexico in the winter when he’s not working, otherwise Banff/Jasper are his ‘budget’ vacations lol. 

i love this stupid province pls ask if you have any more questions because i love to talk and i feel like i’ve said too much already lol

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #170

UPDATE 170: Dave Gets His Epiphany

Last time Hussie had decided it was time to pour even more dialogue onto the readers, since last time it hadn’t been enough, hah! Ten different dialogue options – presented linearly, in a subversion of how this usually goes. So let’s continue with what may or may not be the last chance these characters have of talking to each other before the fights.

So I heard that hovering over the options one already cleared would show images, and that was right! There are images. It seems Dave and Dirk continue just...lying around awkwardly, and Vriska and her ghost are arguing while Meenah fantasizes about varied stuff. There’s more than can be done, although the very next option is Roxy being alone. She’s still trying to create the matriorb. Calliope is sitting right in front of her, in silent support role. Roxy channels the universe and Alternia’s complicated state of matters, and...

Well! Mission accomplished! That was easier than I thought it’d be, even with Calliope’s silent help. I suppose there wasn’t more time for delaying this any longer. Kanaya is going to be immensely happy the troll race will be resurrected now. This was a short detour, completely devoid of words but with a significant development – at least to complete quite some part of Roxy and Kanaya’s arcs and goals in this story.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Roxy and Calliope leave right when the bizarre combination that is Jasprosesprite arrives to hassle Jane for a while longer. I’m crossing my fingers this’ll be quick and painless.

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Miss me Rose?  JASPROSESPRITE^2: Did you know I love you?? Weird thing for me to say and you to hear, probably!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: I inherited the adoration our cat had for you, which now strangely is directed with the exact same intensity at myself, because I'm you!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: Funnily enough this manifests itself in a particularly acute form of narcissism, which is something we were already sort of afflicted by, and so was our cat by the very nature of the sort of animal he was!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: The bottom line is I'm pretty twisted up inside in all the most beautiful ways and it's wonderful.  ROSE: It really isn't.

Haha, okay, that one was actually pretty funny. She’s not wrong, Rose, you do tend to have slight traces of narcissism in your personality. Guess that all the increased narcissism in this sprite is what makes it have absolutely no brain-mouth filter, what with having an inflated sense of the self and what one says. Being a cat can’t help that either.

Now that Jasperosesprite made the customary hassling towards Rose, she gets straight to business about the battle plan. She has to arrange with Jane how it’ll be done, after all. This is achieved by taking Jane away without even giving her a moment to prepare. There’s someone she needs to meet, somebody in Jane’s planet.

Ah, true, the denizen. The New Wonderkids’ session was rather lacking in information about the denizens, especially since this session was meant to do pretty much nothing. Given Hussie’s track record so far, I’m almost completely sure that Jane’s talk with the denizen will happen off-screen and the characters will talk about it once it’s done, so...no more option than waiting until this is done!

Damn it , I have been bamboozled! Well played, Hussie, you had me fooled, I admit it. This could be good, though, not everyday you meet a senior version of yourself that’s dressed as a clown and...is the mother of your father. This is time-travel-gone-wrong levels of weird.

Aw, come on, Hussie, I wanted to see this! But nope, just when Nannasprite got in front of Jane the section ended and went to the next. Oh well. I’m really hoping I’ll have the chance to see how this goes, but I’m not going to hold my breath over it. The scribbled images of what the rest of the options are doing show John and Terezi discussing how Rose could have a black romance status with, uh, a version of herself. Yeeeeeeah no, let’s not do that. Doesn’t seem healthy – just ask Karkat, it’d be a headache.

About Roxy and Calliope, they just arrived to what I think is Jade’s planet, and Calliope is told to stay with Jade. I had completely forgotten Jade is still asleep. It’s once again said that it’s nice to have Calliope around. And...that was it! I just summarized around six or so pages in this very short paragraph.

I think that goes way beyond the realm of kismesis behavior Rose...and out of the realm of sanity as well. Stay away from any copies of the Sassacre book, resist the temptation. Anyways, Dave and Dirk are still here. Going to try to talk again? They’re focusing more on the battle to come than on anything else. Hah! No progress on the heartfelt conversation front, apparently.

DAVE: hes got lord english powers tho

It could be a way to know how well a fight against Lord English would go, then. Sure, Union Jack is completely different, less bulky, has no time powers, and presumably has one single personality in that noggin of his instead of being a weird amalgamation, but it’d be a way to see if they are ready to fight against Lord English. Think of it as having training wheels on your bike.

Swords can’t help you solve problems with people, who’d have thought. Dirk and Jake are the closest example to how someone who has spent their formative years alone and without the presence of people around would behave: with no social skills at all. Jade got very lucky in that regard, she is very well-balanced for someone who grew on an island and only had a dog for company. Then again, her Dreamself must have been of help, the Prospitians must have helped her have some people skills.

DIRK: ...  DAVE: ...

Nothing has changed here.

It takes a few pages more before Dirk takes the plunge headfirst down the emotional cliff, with all the grace of a novice. It does get the conversation going, mostly about how this isn’t how he pictured the meeting going.

DIRK: Maybe you'll think it's weird that I idolized some version of you that I never knew. 

These two are much more similar than they each realize. Their upbringings aren’t that different, heck, I’d say that Lil’ Hal fulfilled the role Bro had, just with less sword attacks. Other than that it was pretty much the same, an isolated life with an aloof person/glasses in the vicinity. Come on, Dave, admit you idolized Bro. That’d be a great step towards turning the page in your life and bonding with Dirk, you can do it!

DAVE: ive got to say  DAVE: meeting you  DAVE: its not rockin my world here  DAVE: or upending any paradigms or whatever  DAVE: listening to you and looking at you  DAVE: it really really just  DAVE: reminds me of him

Close enough! I’m a bit downtrodden there was no exchange of words between Bro and Dave so I could have a reference on how similar this actual situation is to how they got along. I imagine Bro wasn’t that different from Dirk.

DIRK: Things, between you and me, from your perspective, um,  DIRK: Are we like, not cool?  DAVE: ..................

I’m not sure if it’s telling or not that there was no ‘yeah’ or similar quick response.

DAVE: i didnt fuckin like you that much ok? 

...

...

...okay, that isn’t how I thought it’d go. I suppose there’s a difference between idolizing and actually liking a person. Good for you for saying it aloud, Dave. It must have been very difficult to say to anybody, even more to a version of your brother.

After a sequence of images meant to show how little time passed between Dave going “I don’t want to talk about it” to “okay heres what im saying” he finally starts...and boy is it tough.

DAVE: i dunno why my friends got to have adults around who cared about them  DAVE: they complained bitterly about stuff so i guess i convinced myself they were all in the same boat as me  DAVE: but thats not how it was 

That’s pretty much how kids and teenagers are, they complain and don’t realize sometimes such complaints aren’t about things as bad as they could be. Leaving behind such behavior is part of growing up. Dave didn’t realize how badly he was being treated, though, he just saw no difference between his life and the lives of the rest of his friends – at first.

DAVE: so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 years  DAVE: and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?!  DAVE: i dont come away with the impression i used to try convincing myself of, that he was like "mysterious" or "stern" or "aloof"  DAVE: the only feeling left is this insane impression that i was raised by somebody who fuckin HATED me 

...hated you? Hm...honestly? I don’t know. Bro’s way of raising Dave had a lot of things wrong, and I really don’t know how to interpret it. I’m interested on knowing how other people interpreted it. Would you mind telling me your thoughts, everyone? I really don’t know what to think about this.

Dirk actually sounds horrified about what he’s hearing. Perhaps he doesn’t like the thought of his equivalent doing this all?

DAVE: it took years to deconstruct it all and put it back together to understand how fuckin mad i should be  DAVE: and in particular how stone cold deeply uncared for i was my whole life  DAVE: like... being merely "monitored" by a violent robot 

Haha...you know what this brought to mind? What went through my head right when I read this part?

TT: Don't worry, that's normal.  TT: Upon activation he goes into Stalking Mode.  GT: Stalking mode??  TT: Yes. He will stalk you in the jungle and strike when your guard is down. 

It’s exactly that. Dave pretty much described the robot Dirk made and sent to Jake. It’s pretty much the same in terms of how Dave was raised! Wow, Hussie, did you do this on purpose? I think you did this on purpose! Dave may as well have been raised by the brobot thing, and just like Jake – who dreaded encountering it and once he had to fight it didn’t precisely have loads of fun – Dave now doesn’t want to fight. He wants to avoid this fighting thing, and hates that he has to be the one to grab the sword and slay the villain.

You seriously screwed up here, Bro.

Dave even brings up that maybe things would have been better if Lil’ Cal hadn’t been around. Maybe! The influence of Lord English can’t be an ingredient in a healthy household – even more since part of Lord English is once another version of Dirk. Hah! Life sucks for the Striders. It’s...it’s rather depressing, actually. I wonder if at the time they had to cram Caliborn into the puppet Dave realized what Lil’ Cal was. Even if he did, I doubt he’d have any kind of reaction when anyone was nearby, but at that moment I imagine many things clicked in Dave’s head.

Would Bro have been any different if that puppet of the damned hadn’t been around? Uh...I dunno. Maybe it really was a poisonous influence of some sort, influence Dirk was lucky not to have. It’s all up to interpretation, I’d say.

I think now that the epiphany is complete I can stop the update and continue next time. This, though, this is exactly what I was hoping the Striders would do, that at least one of them would unload this heavy emotional baggage, and it’s for the better! I’m glad it’s actually happening.

Next update: three updates

[coelacanthus-latimeria]

so like i said today has been A Day and im gonna post it under read more

so ive like. really not been having a good week. its ap week so that should be the cause but honestly my depressions been especially bad lately and ive just been feeling really shitty about everything lately. im scared im annoying my friends, im scared to lose them, im scared that i havent done enough, im scared that im gonna be stuck in a body i dont like my whole life. just. a lot. and so thats kinda been building up and its kinda sucked Major Ass(tm) and today just became the day where it just sorta snapped. I didnt do anything in class today, and the one class i actually talked to people was with my two friends who did and said some stuff that kinda really really Did Not Help and i know that they didnt mean it i know that they didnt mean to hurt me but it kinda just hit the right (wrong?) way where if they were sincere they wouldve confirmed my anxieties about people not caring about me or people finding me annoying and not important. and im still trying not to think about that bc im tired and ive had a good night after school but i keep do and ://// like i was talking about a new story idea i had and they just kept going on side tangents and asking stuff about it that didnt matter through the things and it became annoying and clear they didnt actually care even tho they apparently did??? anyways not the point but that was Bad. and so by the time i reached last period german, i was kinda just not having anything and was lowkey sensory overloading and so we were doing busywork and i was listening to music because i was done with the day and just kind of done with everything and if i didnt listen to music while i was working i knew i would break down. and then thats kinda what actually happened. herr kuchta (whomst i dislike greatly) came over and told me i couldnt have my earbuds in and i refused and told him that if i didnt i couldnt do my work but by that time id already started to get worked up so he took me out of the class room and told me to take a breather and all that. so i did i went outside the mods and just kind of had a micro panic attack and cried and just tried to gather myself to go back to class but i couldnt i couldnt go back in the thing is that herr kuchta came back to tell me to come back in the class twice and the second time he told me to either come back in or go to my subschool and i didnt want to do that so i told him “no give me a damn minute im having a bad day and youre treating me like shit” and he replied that if i didnt get back in the class or go to my subschool he’d call the school security. so i was more mad at that point than anything so i trudged over to the subschool and hoped to any god up there that no one saw me

i was scared as shit to go to the subschool and have to face other people but i did eventually and got to my counselors office and just. broke down. its midnight now and my eyes still hurt when i blink but i just talked and complained about herr kuchta and all the other shit thats been happening with my parents and the shit ive been thinking and overthinking and it just. came out. to this lady id barely even talked to but i did and it was scary as fuck but i needed to. but she listened, and she helped, and it wasnt as scary as i thought. and she said that she’d tell my parents and tell them to get me some help. like ive been asking them about since freshmen year while theyve been shrugging me off with false promises and “its part of the high school experience.” and my counselor said that shed be there to help and that an outside source telling my parents i (probably) have anxiety and depression might help them understand more and that shed help me get actual counseling/ treatment and. i feel relieved i feel like an actual step has been made and so so just thankful that she was actually so willing to help and understand. i feel like ive progressed more in this topic in this one day than in the past year. 

so i guess long story short, im an actual step towards getting actual treatment. i actually have a feasible chance to get better and feel better and its hitting me now and i. im so relieved. 

im still Not Good yet; im still anxious about myself and my friends and my talents and experiences and my future and my relationship with my family and

a lot

but at least im on my way