#but im still upset bc collecting books is my hobby and makes me happy and i followed jjk the day it started publication

[gojuo]

the face of an unrepentant criminal

just came home and it looks like Aslan tore through my manga collection with his claws bc i think the pages felt like a scratching post to him ... i'll need to replace literally every single manga volume i have of jjk (full 20 volumes) 🫡

[cantbehandled-ever]

i was tagged by the lovely @flowrxchild and @satans-helper to answer these questions, thanks sm!

What was the last thing you read?

- my chem textbook, i have a final on thursday

Favourite movie?

- the sixth sense

Favourite book?

- a case of need by michael crichton

Dream date?

- kayaking!!! i love kayaking and me and my date could go kayak where all the manatees are!!

Do you have a crush?

- on every girl i meet

What are your hobbies?

- collecting vinyls, playing my bass, being an absolute dumbass, kayaking, going to concerts, and camping

What’s your favourite time of day?

- mid morning! i’m a morning person and it’s typically after i’ve had time to wake up, but haven’t dealt with enough to ruin my day yet lol

If you could look like anything, what would you look like?

- skinny. that’s all i want

Are you romantic?

- cripplingly so! so whoever ends up being my partner needs to prepare themselves

What’s your favourite type of weather?

- sunny, but cool. i like it cool enough to wear layers, but not freezing

What do you like talking about?

- my niche interests, music, and i like when people share anecdotes that they think i will find funny

What are your turn ons?

- being gentle, nice smiles/ nice laughs, being super passionate about what they’re doing, playing with my hair, and a bunch of other stuff because i’m horny and touch-starved

Turn offs?

- being condescending, being overly controlling, conservative political views, and not having stuff they care about

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

- i want a bee tattoo so bad and once i get the money, i’m probably going to get it! i want it on the outer left arm, above the elbow

Do you have any pets?

- nope, i miss it though. pet fees at apartments are so expensive though

Dream job?

- an oral surgeon i suppose, but idk. i just want something that makes me happy and can support me.

Dream place to live?

- not in florida lol. i want to live closer to the mountains and forests, but idk exactly where

Dream vacation?

- backpacking through ireland! my uncle did it when he was around my age and it sounds like an amazing experience

Do you have any piercings?

- two, but they’re nothing interesting unfortunately. i really want to get my nose pierced, i just don’t want it affecting my chances of getting into dental school bc i’m not “professional-looking”

If you had kids, what would you name them?

- considering i don’t want kids, i have no fucking idea lol

What are your best traits?

- my laugh, i have a good sense of humor most of the time, and i tend to be pretty understanding

Worst traits?

- i am very anxious, so i get paranoid that i upset people way too easily. i also am way too sensitive. plus, i’m annoying

What’s your worst fear?

- me getting stuck doing something i hate for the rest of my life

What do you want to eat right now?

- nothing, i just ate cheddar broccoli soup though, so that can be my answer

What’s your best vacation you’ve ever been on?

- when i went to colorado and i stayed in the mountains! we went white water rafting and hiking, it was a really nice time

Favourite city?

- greenville, south carolina

Favourite social media platform?

- tumblr

Favourite article of clothing?

- either my doc martens or my flares!

Do you play any sports?

- not anymore, but i used to swim competitively and play volleyball

Favourite meal of the day?

- dinner, i suppose. i don’t really eat breakfast and lunch is usually at school, so it’s p boring

What are you excited for?

- being done with this semester lol, also weirdly enough, i’m really excited to get my wisdom teeth out bc i’ve had a lot of problems with them

Not excited for?

- finals

When was the last time you cried?

- yesterday. i cry all the time

Dream house?

- lots of windows, super cozy, room for a big garden!

What’s something you hate about the world?

- lack of basic human empathy, also a complete disregard for our environment. bonus item: capitalism

What’s something you love about the world?

- has a lot of creative outlets and lots of unique cultures

What scents do you like?

- peonies is my fave, but i also like really clean scents

What kind of sleeper are you?

- stomach sleeper! also a really light sleeper, so i never really feel well-rested

Are you a cat or dog person?

- technically a dog person, because i’ve never owned a cat, but i do want a cat eventually

How long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse?

- probably two weeks, maybe a month if i find a good group

Are you trusting?

- unfortunately way too much lol. i guess i’m kinda naive because i want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but once you break my trust, you’ll never get it back

What fictional character do you identify with?

- ben wyatt from parks and recreation

What labels do you commonly get?

- annoying, loud, straight (lol v unfortunate), and funny

What song would be your life anthem?

- i still miss someone by johnny cash

What issues are you dealing with rn?

- stress and the normal mental illness bullshit

How can someone win you over?

- tell me i’m funny lol, also just be nice to me

What’s something about you people don’t know?

- i’m allergic to shellfish

i tag: @mountainofthesunn @aint-no-denying @shes-outta-sight @gvfyeet @longhaireddeacy @bigthighsandstupidguys @n1-party-anthem @im-gettin-hazy @v-i-d-e-n-o-i-r

[smallpoem]

ramble: being nonbinary, mental health, university, moving out, life

very long personal ramble under the cut so feel free to ignore

these weeks right now are the last real free weeks of my life and yet i feel like there is so much on my plate my head is constantly full of worries and things i need to do and things i need to remember i can hardly breathe my depression and anxiety are really bad and i spend most days doing nothing, just trying to distract myself and get through the day, and every night my insomnia keeps me awake until 4 am i feel more uncomfortable and trapped and unhappy in my body every day, i came close to just chopping my hair off with a pair of crafting scissors several times i do really want to get it cut but im terrified of hair dressers, i hate them, and my mum has been pressuring me to get my hair cut for years, so now i feel like it wouldn’t be my own decision even if it is, i feel manipulated, it would feel like giving up, and i hate that, but i need to get it cut or im going to have a breakdown dysphoria, anxiety, depression are a constant state for me and im so exhausted, im so tired, i can’t do this anymore i hate my birth name, it’s like a slap to my face whenever anyone calls me that, and yet im terrified of coming out (“hello im nonbinary and my name is kieran, kier for short, please call me that” why is that so hard?) i really, really need a binder but i can’t figure out which size is right for me and anxiety won’t let me ask for help im isolating myself in my room and i hate it but i can’t handle being around people (like my mum who i live with), i feel trapped in my own home, i barely eat bc my anxiety is so bad i can’t leave my room i need to get out of here, i need my own space i want to move out and i did finally tell my mum about it and although she said she was hurt at first (which ?? why does everything i do hurt you mum im trying to take care of myself and get better, you always tell me to talk to you and to speak my mind and that it’s okay to be upset, but when i do you’re hurt and make me feel guilty, why?!), she is supportive of me now and she even started making plans for how she’s going to use my room when i don’t live in it anymore, which is good i think it helps that i want to stay in the same house, just get my own little flat here, i think that really helps her, but tbh it worries me i do want to stay here not for her but bc i love this place, i have lived here for 14 years and i love it and it’s my home, but im scared that im still gonna feel trapped by my mum’s presence and that she’s not going to be able to stay out of my business that sounds harsh but i just, she’s so incredibly overprotective, she does everything for me to the point that im scared to try and do something by myself bc it could hurt her feelings, and then she turns around and complains about how dependent i am on her, but when i try to be independent she makes me feel guilty for that too i need to get away from that so really what’s keeping me going, my silver lining, is the thought that im going to move into my own space in the near future, near being relative bc it’s probably still going to take almost a year (how will i survive like this for that long?) but that also brings more worries with it, mostly money related im obviously going to have to get a job to pay rent and provide for myself, which is not going to be easy as a mentally ill university student what kind of job am i going to get, how much will i have to work, how much will i earn, how much will it drain me? how, how will i get through the job interviews with my anxiety as it is? will i be able to afford keeping any of my hobbies or will i have to stop collecting albums, stop going to cons and concerts, stop dancing? regarding concerts, there’s another thing that stresses me out we’ve been planning to go to korea to see shinee early next year before they start enlisting, and while i really want to go, i also really don’t have the money and im scared i won’t be able to save enough in time, and i feel like no one is taking me seriously about this i don’t want to be indebted to my friends and i don’t want to ruin their plans and i don’t want to be left behind either and i feel guilty every time i spend money bc the concert is hanging over my head like a dark cloud that’s getting heavier with every cent i spend but i also know myself and i know that not treating myself to anything would make me really unhappy as shitty and materialistic as this may sound, buying albums, guild wars gems, and going to concerts makes me happy, and often it’s the only happy thing i have in a whole month there’s another event a friend and i are planning to attend, a book fair, which was my idea and i really want to go but i still haven’t gotten my shit together and bought tickets or planned how we’ll get there etc bc i feel so bad about spending that money and i feel like a hypocrite bc i bought a dvd and the guild wars expansion but those are easier bc i don’t have to plan anything what paralyses me about the book fair isn’t the tickets themselves, it’s the additional costs for transport and possibly a hostel, that’s so much money it just looms over my head terrifying me of spending it even though i’ll have to and don’t get me wrong i love my friends but one of them earns significantly more money than i do and still encourages me to spend mine, brushing off every time i mention being worried, and i fall for it too, i listen to them and spend the money and then feel horrible about it, why am i like this then university itself - on the one hand i am so happy and excited to start, on the other hand im terrified i don’t know how to handle my gender situation there - i know i can’t bear being called by my birth name, but i don’t know how to deal with that - should i send an email to every professor before the semester starts, which is terrifying and almost impossible bc again, anxiety or should i just say that i prefer kieran or kier over my birth name without an explanation? that way i wouldn’t have to come out but it’d also mean being gendered female which will not help my dysphoria either there’s an lgbt+ student group that i want to join but im terrified of that too, i want to go so bad but i’ll have to do that alone and that’s so hard it’s so hard idk how i’ll manage to do it im also just terrified of the future in general bc i have no idea what the f im doing with my life i will study korean language, culture, and history which is awesome, and i do know that i love language and translating, but i have no clue how and where i’d want to work, and i also don’t know if it’s gonna be enough if that makes sense? i really love translating but if there’s one thing i love more it’s creating, and im scared im going to be unhappy just translating other people’s creative work without directly being part of a creation process myself but i also know im not good enough at art or writing or graphic design im not good enough at anything there are so many things that i love and that im decent at but im not really good at anything and it’s so frustrating im so scared of the future and of failure and of making myself unhappy, i wish i had one thing i was good at and loved and knew i wanted to do so i could have a plan but im just swimming in a river of uncertainty and it’s terrifying everything is terrifying and im so tired of constantly being scared another thing that worries and stresses me out is my body and the constant pain im in my knees have been hurting for years but it’s all my joints now and all the doctor ever tells me is “you need to work out more” but it hurts then im also planning to go to a gynecologist bc i can’t handle the cramps anymore it hurts so much i just want to cry thinking about it and i can’t take it anymore for the longest time i have hated the thought of birth control bc i don’t want to mess with my body but at this point i’d do almost anything to make the pain stop and im hoping that birth control will help my skin too bc i hate my skin i hate it so much i wish no one would ever look at me bc i feel so ugly and disgusting and if i cut my hair off i’ll have nothing to hide behind and i don’t think i can handle that i just want to feel okay in my body and not constantly be in pain but doctors appointments are so scary and exhausting and everything is too much there’s more but i lost track of what i was going to say and tbh if i wrote down all of my worries this would never end im just. so tired and scared and tired of being scared

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?