#but im sat here getting attached to people who dont even know my blog

[the-cookie-jar-system]

.

[lockedtowers]

me, realizing i was gon follow a few ppl but i dont have my verses or anything rly up yet: …. so anYWAYS

some fun things bc im not gonna be on a comp until tomorrow then ill only be here mon wednes and surprisingly fri/sat next week, maybe some lil funzies mostly abt cassie bc shes my baby

obvi (if u kno me if not welcome im brina my brain doesnt work) i have multiple verses im just dumb and havent posted them, i gotta rewrite a lot of them to be shorter too bc i give full character backstories for everything as it develops and ik most ppl dont wanna read that so it takes longer for me to do things bc im ‘tistic and short quick explanations is not my fortay. main doodads tho: 1, 3-7 are fantasy worlds specifically, 2 is overall in any world, 8 onwards is purely human verses

generally with other fantasy worlds, i’ll have it where cassie ended up in your universe. Whilst my Wonde/rland is largely built off my own thoughts and things now, and various points of lore, the 2009 S/yfy A/lice was a base for it. A/merican M/cgee’s Alice is the base inspo for Cassie’s cheshire cat, but she’s also her own thing. (fun fact: originally i was writing her as the d/ormouse from b/urtons wonderl/and, but as she grew further from that canon w my never writing in that universe, she became my own character ultimately and holds few similarities to her origin now, including species! but her twin brother is still ‘proper’ dormo/use, yes it makes sense, its more a title than a species in this world)

Cassie is… moldable, mentally, to say the least. When someone finds her in whatever world she ends up in, whether its a fantasy world or not (as she ofc just lives wherever in non fantasy aus) she.. tends to be easier to manipulate because she will get attached to people just for being nice to her. she isn’t used to it. it’s rare for there to be a universe where this isn’t an issue for her (also of note bc dual muse blog: willys the manipulator, and shes the manipulatee) honestly she’s morally grey anyways and doesn’t really understand morality as a whole, so if shes found by a villain and they just.. treat her like a person, she will get attached. and cassie being attached can be dangerous, not just for others, but for herself, because she’s loyal to a fault. if she makes friends w multiple ppl and they fight, she wont know what to do because she just can’t bring herself to believe either person is wrong. it’s also of note that in most fantasy verses, she’d been locked up, abandoned in a cell, for years. She doesnt tend to talk and, despite trying to push a tough and uncaring act, she’s still scared. she’s still traumatized. a lot of the time she wont even talk. this is the everything tab also so be aware she has a scar over her right eye, and her right eye is a silvery blue verses her normal blue eye. she’s also pretty much blind in her right eye, but the color is due to heterochromia. her twin brother has one blue and one green.

she is very noticeably neurodivergent when you talk to her, and as many fellow a/utistics point out, cats tend to have similar personalities to us anyways (ive seen a many point out that if you can handle a cats support needs you can handle ours lol). usually shes fixated on something, but she’ll also use trickery of the tongue to get out of things when need be. she’ll unintentionally speak in riddles that make perfect sense to her, but others feel a need to solve. however in most universes where she ends up there, i do it post her escaping after the prince of he/arts (who kept her captive for years) overthrows his mother. She ultimately traverses due to remaining look/ing glasses from before the land was taken by the Hearts. Meaning she cannot get back on her own. But, she also does not want to.

It’s very important for the author to be aware that she cannot tell a lie. Muses not understanding is fine, because how would they know when cassie doesn’t know her own heritage in most verses (o/uat is currently pmuch the only fantasy verse where she was raised by her parents, making her aware shes the princess of spades, and aware shes a witch, but still unaware that the reason she cant lie is because shes a fae halfling) Cassie is a Fae Halfling, and fae/witch hybrid. The Fae half itself is a hybrid of Seelie and Unseelie like her father. I use pieces of real lore and pieces of my own here, but it doesnt really come up in writing much anyways. but she cannot lie to anyone, it physically tears into her flesh the moment words leave her lips. the only thing she can do is use trickery words to mis-explain, and even then it can titter the line.

Her cheshire invisibility comes from shapeshifting to match her surroundings, but beyond that she mostly can just change her hair color, slightly change her face for short periods of time, or as most often used and the longest shes capable of holding, turning into a silver blue cat.

fae wise her powers are largely elemental, water focused, and she doesnt know how it works. the faerie power she has most control over involves her own blood, which she can turn into crystalized weapons when shes bleeding. most often she’ll be using her witch abilities. in some aus, your character may see she has strange looking bands on her wrists and locked into place, meant to look like bracelets but unable to be removed. They’re power blockers placed on her by the prince of h/earts to ensure she couldn’t break out again. they keep her from using her powers, from healing, and otherwise.

her makeup made her an omen to the remaining fae of wo/nderland, which there arent many left there. they wanted to slaughter her father as well, but never managed to make it as he was too brutally powerful for them, either. The Fae had believed a seelie/unseelie hybrid, let alone a fae/witch hybrid, would bring death upon the whole of their kind. Ironically… Cassie’s technically a necromancer, and can give part of herself to bring others back to life permanently, or use weaker magic to bring them back temporarily. As such, when she dies, she tends to always come back, and oft with more power than before, and even less self control. She’s also the only reason her twin brother is still alive, but he wont admit to that.

purely human verses, she still doesn’t lie, but it largely relates more to the a/utism than anything else. she doesn’t like to lie in the first place, but has little qualms about confusing others when they get confused by her speaking normally. she doesn’t see a point in fixing that, especially when she can simply say a confusing, convoluted version of the truth to get out of actually admitting anything.

usually, because when i first wrote her a few years ago i actually combined her and this canon iteration (as shes basically what cassie would become if pushed fully to the limit) whos name i took, i’ll have her be the adopted daughter (and bio relative) of A/lcina D/imitrescu, with her sharing that name. Meaning she’s in her family’s wine business. She’s much more distrusting of men, between nearly being killed by one after watching him kill most of her family, kidnapped by him for blackmail until she found a way out, and her mother (alcina’s) own severe hatred of them. but still, honestly, if you’re nice to her she’s probably gonna get confused and fall for it.

theres also verses w @mastermiinded where shes E/llington F/eints daughter, thats probably the most normal cassie you’ll ever get if you want those but also she has a mom who loves her and was raised in a universe heavily involving a cult. she’s kind of bitchier tbh LOL

funnily enough, she is still always ready to attack at any given moment.

she knows a lot of knife tricks, and many would argue she likely belongs in a circus of some sort. she doesn’t like that argument, but she does know how to do multiple knife tricks, swallow swords, and do various slight of hand tricks. all while being blind in her right eye.

put in a multitude of self defense training, and for a brief time was even made her mothers bodyguard, she knows how to fight and she knows how to kill. whether or not she wants to is its own debacle.

if someone is out to get her and sb else tries to help, shes not gonna be cool w it bc she doesnt want others risking themselves for her, and it makes her feel like shes been kidnapped and locked up all over again.

[pinkykitten]

Dressed Up

Marvel 

Yon-Rogg x female! reader

Warning: curse words, reader being cringy 

Specifics: comedy, fluff, romance, pictures, one-shot, self-conscious reader, insecure reader, race neutral reader

People: yon-rogg, carol danvers

Words: 1,835

Requested: By anon Hello! It's the au anon here again lol. I wasn't aware of that so thanks for replying! <3. Then could you write one where reader likes Yon-rogg but isn't aware that he likes her too bc he's like a god (in her eyes) and there's no way someone like him would even notice smn like her. Thank you <3

Authors Note: again sorry i dont do au’s and sorry for taking a lifetime to write this. i feel like im always saying that but i mean it everytime. i am grateful for you guys being patient it means a lot and just thank you guys for still supporting my blog and reading my trash. so enjoy some sarcastic carol and a shopping spree nobody asked for. 

You stared from afar from your side of the training base. Your head leaning against your palms, daydreaming. Wishing. Just wishing he could take one glance your way. 

You all had just finished another lesson. Another lesson to which you stumbled a little at your teacher, Yon-Rogg, but only because he placed his hands on your waist to teach you a move. 

“Whats wrong little lady?” Vers stopped by, your best friend sitting beside you sweating. “You seem out of it today.”

“Its nothing, really.” As you said this your eyes made contact to Yon-Rogg bending down to pick up his towel. You bit your lip and did not blink once!

Vers hummed to herself, “oooooooooooooooh I see.”

“See what?”

“His as*! No I’m just playing with you. No I see that you like the man.”

You didn’t even try to fight. You shrugged and shook your head, “yeah Vers but think about it. This godly delicious creature of a man even looking at moi! I don’t think so...at all. He’s him and I’m,” you gulped and took a glance at yourself. “Well you get the picture.”

“Y/n don’t worry, the best thing about being in a relationship is being yourself. You have to be truthful.”

“I can’t Vers, I just can’t. I mean I want to be truthful but with him its just different.”

Vers took a hold of your hand, “no woman should have to disguise themselves to deserve love. You are beautiful enough, you are smart enough, you are enough.”

You chuckled, “thanks...my hero.”

Vers giggled and jokingly wiped non existent tears, “girl, I am flattered. Just keep the compliments going, we got time.”

“-But I need to do this another way.”

Vers mentally slapped herself on the face, “so what, all that pep talk went straight through one ear and entered out the other?”

“Yep, and I’m gonna need your help!”

Vers gave a face of disgust. “Oh shi* I don’t like the sound of that.”

You and Vers entered your room, tired, worn out from all the-

“I can’t believe you just dragged me to go on a shopping spree with you,” Vers whined as she dropped herself on your bed. 

You hauled all the bags on your table and slumped on your chair, “I can’t believe I wasted that much money.” You and Vers laughed hard. 

“Well I see that this is my leave so good luck in all your sexiness and yeah-”

Clutching onto her sleeve you gave her a death glare as you glanced up, “I am not done with you yet.”

“God okay woman. What else do you want me to do? Wipe your as*.”

“Haha very funny,” you sarcastically answered. “No I need help with my outfit.”

It felt like it took forever! Your makeup was glamorous, making you look like a model, no a goddess! You put on jewelry, keeping it simple but sexy. The hoop earrings dangled lightly atop your shoulders, just grazing the skin from time to time as they twirled from your movement. You added a blinged up choker, it wasn’t too tight but just enough to look almost attached to your skin. You slipped on your tight outfit and had some skin showing. Last but not least you applied some lip gloss on your lips. The shimmer making your lips irresistible. You put your heels on and called out to Vers, “okay I’m finished...close your eyes.”

You peeked and saw she was listening to orders, “good.” You jumped out and yelled, “ta-da!”

Vers opened her eyes and gasped, “oh my god! Y/n you look super hot! Yes, get it girl! You got this!”

You twirled around and looked at yourself in the mirror. 

You enjoyed what you saw in the reflection but you wondered if Yon-Rogg would like what he sees.

“So you like it?”

Vers hugged you and nodded, “I do, but I always like the real you more, but its nice for a change. And also who said it was bad for a woman to wear makeup? I mean men can get all hot and whatever from time to time, well then so can us girls!”

You smiled and thanked Vers walking out to go see Yon-Rogg. 

He was by himself in the cafeteria, writing and just focused. Seeing that there was no one there you felt nervous and was about to dart back to your room when your heels alarmed him and he called out to you.

“Hi there, sorry if you’re doing something, I can come back another time,” you bashfully looked away from him. He wasn’t saying a word and thats when you peered at his face, you could see he was speechless. His mouth was opened just a bit. 

“Sorry,” he apologized blushing a little. “Please if you would like to, you could sit here.” He pointed to the seat in front of him. You nodded and almost ran to the chair but kept your cool. 

Now Yon-Rogg got a really good look at you. “May I just say, you look exquisite this evening y/n.”

“Thank you, Commander.” 

“Please call me Yon-Rogg...I bet it sounds way better coming out of your lips.”

You laced your fingers together, feeling the aura heating up. The setting becoming a flirtatious one, “alright then, Yon-Rogg.”

He giggles and nods, “well, I was right.”

“So what are you writing?” You asked as you motioned your head to the paper that sat in front of him. 

“Its a summary of how everyone today did in their training. Things they need to work on, progression.”

You slumped in your chair out of frustration, “oh that is not good.”

“What?”

“Oh I was talking about me. I did kinda fail today.”

Yon-Rogg focuses on you instead of the paper and grabs your hands, “let me ask you something y/n, did you try today?”

You were quick with an answer, “of course Comman- I mean Yon-Rogg. Of course I tried, I always try.”

Yon-Rogg leaned back in his seat, “see there, thats all you can do. Try. Thats all that matters to me, when I look at you all I want to observe is that you are trying. And thats what I always see with you.”

“Well its all thanks to you, I mean if you hadn’t shown us what a incredible leader you are and encouraged me then we probably would be having a different conversation right now but you only teach me good qualities.”

Yon-Rogg gave a charming smile, “may I ask, why are you so dressed up today?”

You almost choked on air and gripped tightly the table. “Um I was just going for a walk.”

Yon-Rogg looks below the table and sees your high heels, “in those?”

You changed your composure quickly, knowing you sounded dumb. You tried to show more of your physique. Displaying your breasts and popping out your butt. You puffed your lips out more and nodded, “yeah these shoes help tone the legs real nice for you, you tough man.”

You were losing control of yourself. You were trying to flirt but it was not working, flirting was not in your DNA. Yon-Rogg gave a look of curious. 

Next, you tried to grab his pen and put it in your mouth but you dropped it and as you were picking it up you bumped your head against the table. 

“Are you alright?” Yon-Rogg asked very worried.

You touched your head and only winced lightly, “yeah I’m fine...baby.” You tried to bite his pen sexy but you ended up gnawing it leaving a dent. 

You were just done. You were embarrassing yourself and you could tell by Yon-Rogg’s face that he was weirded out as well.

“I’m sorry this was a mistake.” You tried to stand up quickly but wearing your heels made you trip and fall into Yon-Rogg’s arms. He was there to catch you. You held onto his biceps for support and looked up to be so close to his handsome face. 

“H-hi there,” you stuttered as you were so bashful at the moment.

“Tell me the truth y/n. Why did you dress up like this tonight?”

“Fine, I wanted to impress you. Well not only that, there is like a long list so you might be here for a while its just, I like you a lot Comm- gosh sorry I keep doing that I mean Yon-Rogg. I like you a lot but not as in a way of friends or like wow you are my leader I like you a lot even though yes thats true I just don’t like you as a friend, I mean I do but-” You took a huge breath and calmed your nerves. “Let me start over. I want to see if you would like to go on a date, that offer still stands but I knew you probably did not like the other me. The less glamorous me. I mean you have made such an impact on not just me but to all of Kree. How could someone like that date someone like me? I just wanted to be better for you, but I ruined it.” You looked down ashamed and disappointed with yourself. 

Yon-Rogg was silent but lifted your face with his forefinger and thumb. “None of those things you said about yourself is true. You did not have to do anything to prove your worth to me. Don’t get me wrong I love this look but I also love who you really are. You are more than what you think. I ask myself how could someone so beautiful, so daring, so amazing go out with a guy so serious and who keeps his emotions hidden. I tried to do that with you y/n, but you are truly something else. I can’t keep what I feel for you hidden anymore. I love you y/n. I truly mean that, and you don’t have to show me you are capable of great things I can already see it when I look at you.”

You crashed your lips against his and laced your fingers into his hair. “Thank you Yon-Rogg.”

“Never gets old.”

You two were about to walk side by side together as now a couple when he stopped you. “Before we move any further can we please get rid of these wretched shoes. I mean they are sexy on you but these guys are a bit rough.” 

You let go of the breath you were holding in, “oh my gosh yes please I thought you would never say that.” You took your shoes off and held them in your hand. 

“But I do like this on you,” Yon-Rogg said about your outfit, feeling over the material and tracing his hands on your butt. “Can you wear this more often please?”

You laughed as you walked hand in hand with him, “I don’t know, I have to think about it.”

“Oh you naughty girl, I see you like to play dirty. Fine two can play that game.”

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou, @wtfisalltherandoms, @fangirl-4-life415, @dirbel, @marwantr, @divaanya, @wassupitschloe, @idontknowwhattocallthisworld (wont let me tag), @spycii, @woeisbutwoe, @pormacskaa

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

[quxntumvandyne]

ok ok ok ok so listen up idea where reader is a huge fan of spiderman and has a tumblr and everythin for him & is part of the spidey fandom and she's part of a discord server about the superheros in their universe (sound familiar??) and she convinces peter to join and he's just overwhelmed to see so many people fangirling about HIM and his avenger buddies??? that was a lot oops

this one is a little shorter but so funny I really like it so here you go!! thanks for the request i loved it!

The Chat

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: uuhhhhhh i forgot lol

Request: @holland-haven my BITCH

Warnings: none

AN: I loved writing this and all my Discounted Avengers references! Enjoy!

•••

“What’s Discord?”“Oh goodness.”

•••

Peter and you were your way to school, that morning and you, like every other morning on the subway, were chatting with in Discord with your friends about who? Spider-Man of course.

“Peter, look what Ally just sent OH MY GOD IM WHEEZING!” You almost fall off your seat in laughter, that you just sat down in for the long ride to school, atthe viral video of T’Challa being blasted backward by Shuri.

“What?? How did she get away with that!” Peter started laughing loudly and snorting (author note: i really hope my discounted avengers get that quick reference) and then asked, “Who’s Ally?”“Oh she’s a friend from my Discord chat.”“Just a friend?”Peter nudges your shoulder, knowing you have a HUGE crush on Ally, who goes to the same school as you.“Yes! Just a friend,” you reply, blushing madly while punching Peter in the arm. Peter and you have been friends since the 3rd grade and and are always attached at the hip. You do everything together but recently, Peter’s been acting weird lately and hasn’t been in around much to hang with. You don’t think about it much though, because he is a teenage boy and who knows what they do in their free time.

“Okay, okay sorry. Just kidding.” Peter continues to laugh and rub his arm.“No but really, what’s Discord?”“Oh god. You really want to know?”“Is it like Tumblr?”“Sorta. OH i almost forgot! Guess how many followers I have on my Spider-Man fan blog now!”Peter became stiff and blushed cherry red. “Um, 15?”“NO STUPID! I had 200 last week! Now i’m up to 270!! It’s because I posted this story that was about Spider-man and the reader-““WHAT?! WAS IT LIKE SEXUAL AND STUFF?!?!” Peter shrieks at you. You jump in your seat and shriek right back at him. “PETER OH MY GOD NO CALM DOWN JEEZ LOU WHEEZ!”“Oh okay, cool. So 270 followers, what for Spider-man? He’s okay, I guess.”You gasp and start hitting him again.“TAKE IT BACK SPIDER-MAN IS A CINNAMON ROLL AND MY TRUE LOVE TAKE IT BACK!”Peter seriously shuts up now and gets super awkward. “But I thought you were gay?”“I’m bisexual, Peter. I like boys and girls, remember?”“Oh yeah. Okay so now that I have ten bruises on my right arm, what is Discord??”“Oh it’s a chatting app where I talk to my friends about fandoms and other things. In this chat, we talk mainly about superheroes like Spider-man.”“Oh that sounds pretty cool.”“OMG YOU WANNA JOIN DONT YOU!”“NO THAT IS NOT-“

You immediately steal his phone and begin downloading Discord, refusing to give it back until it’s done. Peter tried to take it back but you know he won’t physically try because he’s too much of a gentleman, so you successfully download the app.

“Okay so what do you want your username to be?”“Jesus Christ, (Y/N)-““jesuschrist it is. Password?”“OKAY THAT I AM NOT TELLING YOU.”You give him his phone back, laughing your ass off while he creates a password and then immediately take it back so you can add an icon for him. Of course you use a Spider-man meme, to PeterMs very obvious dissapproval. You swear you heard him say “It doesn’t even look like me.” under his breath, but you ignore it.

“Okay and how about a nickname?”“You get a nickname and a username?”“Duh.”“Ok snooty (authors note: DISCOUNTED AVENGERS REFERENCE), how about “Definitely Tony Stark”.“YES THATS PERFECT!” You exclaim with a loud shriek, scaring some passengers on the subway. “Sorry?” You whisper, as Peter chuckles next to you. “Anyway so last thing, I’m adding you to the Spider-man fan chat okay? Cool.”“WHAT?!” “Oh c’mon Peter, it’ll be fun! WhatC you scared of the little fan girls who can beat your ass?” “NO!” “Okay then! You’ll survive. You might even like it!”Peter huffs but agrees after many pouty faces and pleading.

•••

After school that, your phones are flooded with messages in the chat and many, MANY pictures of Spider-man’s ass. Much to your excitement and much to Peter’s awkwardness. “Why are you so weird about his butt?”“But you guys are saying ‘I’D SLAP DAT ASS ANY DAY’ how am I not supposed to be uncomfortable!”“Okay, okay sorry we come on a bit strong but you’ll to like us through our bonding and undying love of Spider-boy.”“MAN, ITS MAN.”“Jeez, you act like he’s your brother of something. You do kinda both have the same body structure. Hmmm…”You think for a moment but Peter begins to smirk at you and then laugh.

“So you’re saying I have a nice body?”

You immediately regret your choice of words.“NO!”“YES YOU JUST SAID MY BODY LOOKS LIKE HIS!!”“NO! I DID NOT!”“I’m so posting this in the group chat, this is gold!” Peter exclaims, laughing so hard he snorts again.“NO PETER I HATE YOU!” You exclaim, half seriously, half laughing.“Wait, that also means you think I have a nice ass?”“Oh, get over yourself Peter.”

•••

and there you have it!! i really actually like this one so here you go lol @holland-haven @minnie-marvel @secondsineternity

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

[synolika]

i got tagged by the ever so lovely @funeraloracle to do this ages ago and never got around to it qwq (sorry babe) 

so here it is! 20 questions: 

name: andrew!

nickname: ive been called a bunch of things, but the common ones are andy, ducky, drew, and dyusha agessss ago 

zodiac sign: virgo sun, leo moon (can you tell? XD) and cap rising! 

height: thats top secret. (5′2 ^^;) 

languages: english and thai native! though my thai is absolute bs. i’ve dabbled in so many languages though.. the main ones are russian, french, german, lithuanian, ukrainian, and swedish. 

nationality: thai! though i’m ethnically half thai (north eastern), half english (white). 

favourite season: mm... tough. because seasons aren’t really as pronounced here as they are higher up the northern hemisphere. but i’d say rainy/windy season here, or autumn! 

favourite flower: gosh i am not good w plants or flowers, but i’d pick jasmines or marigolds because i grew up around em, or dahlias and lilies! just because they’re both gorgeous. honorary mention for snapdragons, bluebells, azure bluet, alliums, cornflowers, and lily of the valley. qwq

favourite scent: oh gosh QwQ i’d be lying if i didn’t say i just... oddly like when things smell lived in, like clothes that’ve been worn. or even just like... scents specific to other people. like the perfume they put on, or the laundry detergent they use. it isn’t really... specific smells that i like. just personal ones that are attached to people. 

favourite colour: ah... if you look on my blog and my witch blog, you’ll probably guess yellow... but i actually like red! and dark blue. 

favourite animal: dont make me pick... qwq but uhhh bears, lobsters, rabbits, dogs, cats, ferrets, hedgehogs, manatees, and seals probably. man im indecisive. 

favourite fictional character: QWQ there are so many!!! but... id go with caduceus clay from critical role, marshall lee from adventure time, nolan rayburn from bloodline, richie tozier from it (as well as eddie tbh......), cole dragon age ( ;) ), stanley barber from ianowt, habit EMH (big comfort for personal reasons), firebrand TT, ralsei from delta rune and ironically enough, sans undertale QWQ this list is so random...

coffee, tea or hot chocolate? hot chocolate all the way! i had my own recipe and everything. but nowadays i make tea more than anything. 

average hours of sleep: anywhere between 6-9 hours ;) 

cat or dog person? don’t make me pick... i’ve had more dogs in my life than cats, but realistically i think i’d get along better w a cat than a dog. 

number of blankets you sleep with: just the one! but i have about 7... maybe 8 pillows. qwq 

dream trip: just... anywhere around the world! ancient places, historical sighs, anything. but ideally? a really long road trip: around europe, america, maybe even canada. who knows! 

blog established: 2015 baby! i think. maybe 2014. it’s been a while.

followers: just over 290 i think! 

a random fact: im sat here w a sprained ankle right now and every part of my body hurts. whee! 

if you wanna do this, go ahead! im not sure who all to tag qwq