#but im having Thoughts and Ideas so it will be fully grown within the. week probably. it will undoubtedly take me months to finish

[renchanters]

okay writing a sequel to the kent parson sad pathetic little guy fic from jacks pov. vibes are orange juice by noah kahan. wish me luck

[weebsinstash]

Honestly valentino is such a dramatic bitch that if you did ever leave, saying fuck it you’ll figure it out as you go, he’d lose his shit. Torn between worried and pissed and it would be so delicious for those who love runaway readers

Protags/FLs/Readers what have you that run away are my bread and butter and i need to do more running away fics. Funny enough I have a few ideas in my drafts but homie there's so much to dig through at this point 💀

Imagine setting a really polite two weeks notice on his desk (that you don't really owe him) about how you're moving and getting another job, and you're extremely nervous because he doesn't say anything after you leave it in his office, and he waits until your literal very last shift when you already have some sort of other arrangement set up or trying to when he finally says "so what the fuck is this about you trying to quit?"

I imagine so many different ways he's shitty to you. Ripping up your letter right in front of you, catching it alight with a lit cigarette before dropping it into a trashcan, merely crumpling it up and throwing it on the floor to show you your feelings and your wants are absolutely nothing to him, he really finds it so funny you were just going to try and leave? As far as he's concerned you have absolutely no reason to leave and it would have only negative consequences if you did. And considering he was already a grown ass man and has been dead for a few decades, I can imagine him acting like you're just some dumb little girl, just some cute little bimbo with all her big stupid ideas that doesn't know how to do shit compared to him.

Not to mention the grief you'd catch if you ran away and had to be rescued, say a rival of Val's has had his boys watching all his lil errand runners and knows you fetch his shit sometimes and they scoop you up to ransom you back, not knowing you've ran away and to your knowledge your former Overlord boss has forgotten about you. Meanwhile Valentino goes to do a drug deal or whatever mafia dealings he does and, oh what a surprise, there you are, tied up and gagged with your big watery eyes looking up at him in fear while also silently begging him for help while he's developing a rager and realizing you look pretty cute when you're bound and helpless. I've even thought of like, he saves you from being kidnapped or like has you resuscitated from overdosing or trying to kill yourself and he slaps you with the bill just so you owe him a debt he can slap interest on and keep you indebted to him for literally forever. And if you don't show up when he summons you, it's just a couple of texts to his Goon Group Chat and an order of "bring this bratty lil shit back asap" before you're being dragged back by his henches

Outwardly he'd try and act tough but we all know Val doesn't take his little "breakups" well. At first he says you're just a loser and he doesn't need you, doing his typical self-soothing denial routine of going to the salon, buying himself new things, posting to social media about how everyone is useless and he doesn't need them, like what he does when he breaks up wirh Vox before getting back together.

Homeboys up on here like "mothpimp posted at 2am: bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks"

hellraiser42069, sending a photo of a familiar certain someone from a distance: I was just at the corner of 6th and mulberry, ain't this your bitch big v

mothpimp, already dispatching some of his lackeys to retrieve you within .00001 seconds: pfff that's stupid im a pimp not a simp 🙄 I don't chase no one 😤"

You finally see him again and he's clearly been pampering himself which is a dead giveaway for how you've gotten under his skin and he's all "look who came crawling back" when he knows full damn well he had to kidnap you to even have a conversation and fully refuses to acknowledge he's being legitimately creepy because you aren't even making him money like Angel or his other workers,you're just like. An unrequited crush almost. A little pet/companion/future fleshlight.

It's common with pimps and sex trafficking to force the workers to get tattoos or certain identifying marks of ownership to designated who they belong to but I imagine depending on the kind of story you've craving that Val's version of this, for the Reader, is basically having you constantly wearing things he's given you if not outright deciding what you wear and look like 24/7. That big hunky hellhound at the bar thinks you look cute? His pickup line dies in his throat when you spin around and you're wearing a choker with a big red bejeweled heart and he instantly knows that if he so much as says hi to you that there's a particularly aggravated moth sitting right across the room ready to shoot him dead out of sheer possessiveness

[descendantofthesparrow]

Bad end rewrite concept - Arwen

-

Fae are a fickle type of being, once they turn 18 they have a yearly “mating” season that lasts from a day to a full week (similar to a period but once a year) only activated once the fae finds their “mate”. in the case of Mal, who is a dark fae and has yet to meet her “mate”, has never had her “mating” season. 

both light, dark, and “regular” fae all have this “mating” season after they turn 18 and find their mate, but unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, FG and Jane were unaware that Jane had found her mate in Gil, so when the young fae turned 18, and that time of the year came around, she wasn't exactly...prepared for what was happening.

FG had explained once about the fae mating season to jane, but...faes usually don't know they’ve found their mate until they reach the once a year “mating season” and her mating season ended up being only just a week after her 18th birthday.

as both Jane and Gil were unprepared for the situation, along with them both being pretty much unknowledgeable about sex.ed and Gil wanting to get rid of the pain Jane was under(less painful more just really uncomfortable), had unprotected sex. and around two months later, Jane noticed her period was late...and she hadn't had one the previous month. panicked she quickly confided in Evie and (y/n), who calmed her down and (y/n) went out to get her friend a pregnancy test.

minutes after Jane took the test, Evie gently showed her the stick, with two pink lines.

Jane was pregnant as a result of the mating season.

while she was terrified of both her mothers and Gils reaction, with the support of her friends she told them both. Gil was ecstatic, but knew that they were both very young and having a child might not be the best idea at the moment. her mother was just as supportive, blaming herself for not properly preparing her daughter for fae mating season.

another month of talking between Jane, Gil, and her mother, the two young adults decided to keep the unborn child that was growing within Jane. FG was ecstatic that she would soon have a grandchild and did her best to help jane through her pregnancy, even though she had never gone through it herself she was a fairy godmother, not just a fairy.

six months later, out came a red cheeked little girl, to which the two new parents named her Arwen. they soon discovered while Arwen looked completely human, she had inherited her mothers fae genes, her eyes, while normally honey brown like her fathers, became iridescent when she was tired, and then when angry, like when they saw Arwen's first temper tantrum, glowed and turned blue with purplish pink magic flowing through her iris, her pupil turning to a thin pink slit. her teeth, specifically her canines and lateral incisors, where fangs, sharp enough to rip through skin if she wanted too. she was a sub-type of fea known as “wild fae” who had connections with nature and life 

her magic burst forth wildly when she was only two months old, Jane staring wide eyed as her ,not even a toddler, child hovered her father upside down in the air in front of her, clapping happily as her father stared at her in shock and awe. it was almost effortless for Arwen, doing things even fully grown faes had trouble with sometimes, such as lifting an entire human into the air with no incantation. 

FG was just as perplexed, in the end only suggesting that those born of true love/between a fae and their mate, had extremely powerful magic. an example being Maleficent herself, while she was a dark fae she had been born from fae mates and therefore had powerful magic, sometimes not even needing a verbal spell to cast her spells. 

content with FGs answer but still in shock, Jane and Gil did their best to raise their magic rampant half fae child.

but one day...a bit more than one year after she had fled Auradon in shame of her failure, Mal returned. with vengeance.

she quickly took control of Auradon and the isle, spelling Jane and killing Gil with the Ember Mal had stolen back from her father, upon learning about Arwen, she ordered the newly spelled Jane to bring her daughter to her, what she would do with it she didn't know, it all depended on how powerful Arwen was. 

Jane obeyed, taking the hardly over a half year old Arwen to Mal. but as she looked into the iridescent eyes of her only child, Jane was freed for a moment, and in that moment she raced off to the other edge of the enchanted forest, and left her child in a bush. in tears she left Arwen in her peach baby blanket with a spell to keep her warm and fed, along with a note.

-to whoever finds Arwen, please please take care of her and protect her. Mal wants her, and i cant bare to let my child into her clutches, i cant let her die. tell Arwen her mother loves her and to be strong.

-thank you, Jane-

just as Jane entered the castle that Mal had taken, the spell Mal had placed on Jane returned. Mal was confused, the baby wasn't with jane, so where was she? Jane took Mal to where she had left Arwen, only for her to be gone.

the two faes stood unaware that a woman that was thought to be dead already had the child, and she vowed that she would protect Arwen with her life.

(y/n) took Arwen away from Auradon and to a nearby country, luckily finding a cabin the middle of a forest, she rebuilt it and raised her friends child alone in that forest, waiting for the day that Auradon and its people would be freed from Mal’s clutches.

four and a half years later, Arwen is 5 years old, she knows her parents loved her very much, she knows her mother was forced to give her up to protect her from the evil Mal, she knows her father died to protect her, she knows that she loves her auntie (y/n).

she knows she is powerful, she knows she controls the forest around her, she knows she commands the animals before her.

she knows one day she will get her mother back and avenge her father. but for now, she is only 5 years old, and her auntie wants her to have a happy childhood before she gives it up to war.

so she will, for now.

-

yep...Arwen! so i posted this concept art for bad end rewrite and with the addition of Arwen, the timeline and story of this concept change. this is the original timeline and story which originally started around the end of D3 and took maybe a couple months for the timeline to run through, but now starts a bit more than a year after D3, and spans over a good couple years, im debating on weather or not to have it go to where Arwen is a teen and fights along side (y/n) and the others or too have her still be 5 when Mal is defeated. depending on what i chose the story will be changed, so ill decide on that later.

her magic is pretty nature like in concept, she can control nature and command animals, and when she was a toddler she “tamed” an entire wolf pack that now waits on hers and (y/n)s command.(her favorites are Artimus and TC)  when she uses more of a...physically? visible? magic it flows like water and smoke, colored like her eyes when she is tired (aka its iridescent) 

again she has very sharp teeth (and at the moment is missing one of her front teeth cuz she's five) and i added a new eye thing for her, when she gets angry, her eyes turn blue with purple/pink glowy stuff and her pupil becomes slanted and glows pink/purple

more of her info can be found on the other concept art i posted of her so ill just stop here  cuz its 5am and im tired~

Again inspired by the Dream smp and @disneyfan50​ “true defender” fic, and also thanks to disneyfan50 for helping me find a name for Arwen 

[words-for-holland]

Happier (4) | T.H.

Summary: Y/N & Tom speak to each other for the first time in 3 weeks! Tom is in talks of doing a new movie. Lots of yelling, painful pictures being sent. Harrison and Harry go on a trip. Does Kate finally tell the truth to Y/N?

A/N: Hmmm....seems like Natalie & Matt is everyone’s favorite/hated suspects. More theories lets hear em!!!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Sanctuary

Its a word often used to protect those within a troubling world. For some it’s a church, a home, sometimes a family and friend. For Y/N and Tom, sanctuaray was no where to be found. Three weeks it’s been since the world felt like it collapsed on Y/N and Tom. Three weeks of feeling left in a troubling space that they could not get out of...until now. As soon as they heard each other’s voices on the phone, it gave them a moment of relief, but only for a moment.

“So...how are you?” Tom asks nervously. He wanted to pick his words out carefully in hopes that he wouldn’t upset her.

“Im okay.” Y/N responds quietly as she looks back at her phone. No message yet, maybe she was in the clear and that gave her a small boost of confidence. It was going to be okay. “How about you?” She asks back, not really sure how to carry the conversation. In any case, how does one continue talking to an ex without making it awkward? Let alone how does one talk to someone without the fear of being blackmailed.

“Yeah Im great...really great.” Tom lies and chuckles nervously.

Y/N could tell by the tone of his voice how nervous he was. A habit she always found to be adorable for him. Y/N rolled her eyes with a slight smile before she questions him in a serious tone “Why did you call Tom?”

Tom closes his eyes, letting out a stressed sigh. “I miss you Y/N and I dont care what you say or what you said to me that night, but this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“I miss you too but things happen beyond our control, Tom. Sometimes it just can’t be helped.” Y/N responds nonchalantely, staring at her phone again. No messages still.

“Thats a load of bullshit and you know it. We were supposed to get through anything. Fuck the rumors fuck everything! This isn’t like you Y/N!” Tom vents out every feeling and thought he had since she left. “You say you miss me but then what are we doing? Why are we continuing to hurt ourselves like this?”

Y/N shakes her head, knowing deep down the reason why but could never say. Not unless she wanted to ruin his dream. She could never. “It’s not that simple.” She croaked.

“We would have found a way to get through it, but you gave up so easily. I know for a fact my Y/N never gave up without a fight.”

Y/N looks again at her phone, and no messages were to be found. Maybe she could tell him, and they wouldnt know, but Y/N knew better. Somewhere out there there was someone always watching her every move. “I cant do this right now. Goodbye Tom.” Y/N hangs up as she continues to cry herself to sleep. So much for sanctuary.

Its the morning after, and as Y/N heads downstairs, she hears soft laughter and conversations echoing through the halls. For a second it almost sounded like Tom’s, and she hurried toward the room only to be disappointed. In the living room was Matt and Kate as they made small talk awaiting for Y/N’s arrival.

“Y/N! You’re awake!” Kate exclaims as she gets up from the seat to give her a hug. “Look who decided to drop by!”

Matt looked up at Y/N and gives her a shy smile and wave. He’s dressed in his navy blue LBI shirt and cream colored shorts. It was typical high school Matt...nothing had changed with him.

“Yes I see that....I’m sorry did we have plans and I forgot?” Y/N asked confused.

“No actually uh I invited him over because I knew you wanted to catch up with him after last week..so I pulled some strings.” Kate whispers.

“You..what?” Y/N asked annoyed, her eyes glaring and her brows furrowed. If there was one thing Y/N hated it was blind dates. She had stressed that over and over throughout the years that she hated it, especially with people she used to have romantic feelings for. The keyword..USED.

“Cmon Y/N. Remember this was the time for you to move on and forget. Plus you wouldn’t want to send him away after he came here just to see you!” Kate tries her best to sell it, she had to...there’s wasnt really a choice.

Y/N looked back at Matt and groaned silently to her best friend. “Fine I’ll go, but this is the last blind date you’re ever setting me up on AND you’re doing the dishes.” She emphasized as she got ready and grabbed her purse.

To say Y/N was surprised was an understatment. For sure, she had a feeling this was going to be awkward in so many ways like any other first dates, but this...wasn’t too bad. Though she realized it wasn’t a date this was just two old friends catching up from the past.

She learned a lot about him and how his younger brother Steven was working on becoming an engineer and how his little sister Emily was also grown up and working towards becoming a physical therapist. As for Matt, he was working in the city too as an accountant for a finance firm. While they continued to eat their lunch at Chelsea’s Market, she couldn’t help but make the comparisons.

Matt didn’t dress up like Tom, didnt make her laugh like Tom does, didnt make her blush the way Tom does, didnt smile like Tom, and when he touched her hand...she didnt feel the goosebumps the way Tom would. It was clear. He wasn’t Tom and could never be Tom.

The date came to a close, but Y/N hadn’t really gathered much from it since she was so focused on Tom. Every word Matt had said to her barely made it through. She’d be lying if she didnt say the date was okay but she’d be lying even more if she had said she’d enjoy it.

She looked into his blue eyes as he looked into hers. Matt tried to lean forward to give her a kiss, but Y/N moved away. She couldnt. Not when Tom was still present in her thoughts and her mind. “Im sorry...I just got out of a serious relationship and well —” Y/N whispers feeling guilt in her heart.

“No no. It’s fine really. Maybe I was too forward with this and I had no idea....I’m sorry.” Matt laughs, feeling heavily disappointed. “I’ll uhh I’ll see you around?” Y/N nods as she waves him goodbye.

The next day, Tom wakes up in his bed still praying that this whole phase was just a nightmare he’s still having trouble waking up from. Today was not that day. He got up and dressed appropiately knowing that today would be a meeting for his upcoming project. He had forgotten all about it especially with everything going on. When he arrived and entered the room with Harrison, Natalie also appeared sitting in one of the chairs with a smile and coffee on hand.

“Jesus you’re like everywhere now.” Harrison speaks out taking the seat across from her, while Tom takes the seat next to Harrison.

“Well I mean I do live with you guys temporarily until my flat gets fixed, and I did get cast in the same movie as Tom.” She laughs pointing out the obvious.

Tom looked up, his eye wide open and brows raised. He completely forgot the fact that she was going to be playing his love interest for the film. He tried to recall if he had told Y/N about it before and if maybe that’s why she was also mad. Maybe if he told her now, that would make her feel better? Tom was lost in his thoughts he didnt hear the other publicists in the room calling out to him. “Tom are you listening?”

Harrison quickly hits his best friend to wake him up from his thoughts. “Huh? Uh..no sorry.” Tom confesses, looking down at the table.

The publicists, both roll their eyes in annoyance. “We’re telling you that you need to do a lot of PR for this movie in order to boost the sales, and recoginition for both you and Natalie. This means..you’re going to have to pretend you’re in a relationship for some time.”

Tom and Harrison are now fully attentive and furious. “What?! Im not doing PR for this. That is low for the both of us. We shouldnt have to fake a relationship to get our work across” Tom yells out fury burning in his brown eyes.

“I know Tom, but no one watches it for the films nowadays it’s about the image, and right now we’re trying to help both of yours and Natalie’s. You’ve been looking liek a depressed bloke this past month and Natalie is trying to get some exposure in the business.” The publicists expalin. “Harrison, help us out here.”

“Look mate, Im just his assistant. It’s up to Tom if he wants to do this or not.” Harrison speaks out as he points to his best friend. He faces Tom and whispers, “You don’t have to do this mate, there are other projects out there.”

Tom nods, as he looks at the room of people. He closes his eyes, but all he could see was Y/N. Deep down, Tom knew he couldnt do this to her. “I..I don’t think I can do this.”

Natalie and the publicists’ eyes shot up in fear, unhappy with the response given. They knew there was only one thing they could do now. “Ah I understand. It’s because of a girl isn’t?” Natalie’s publicist speaks out. Tom looks at her and then down at the table, as he slowly nods his head. “Yes well Natalie’s told me all about her. Seems like a bright girl, but believe Tom she doesn’t love you as much as you thought she did.”

Tom’s eyes dart towards the publicist as his eyes continue to stare down in anger. He was angry, pissed off that they could ever make that assumption. “Fuck you! You don’t know anything!” His tone set in anger.

“Oh..but we do. See you think Y/N is remaining as faithful as you after a breakup, but why is she already out with another guy.” The publicist continues. She hands her phone to Tom as he swipes through the pictures of Y/N and Matt’s date. He saw Y/N smile at Matt, laugh with him, and touch his shoulder. Yet, the one picture that broke him the most was the one where Matt almost kissed Y/N. While Tom didn’t know the backstory, he could very well imagine how it went. Everything in him shattered, and his eyes started to well up.

“Mate..there’s gotta be an explanation for all of this. Y/N wouldn’t move on from you that quickly. You know her..she wouldn’t. This is all rubbish.” Harrison tried to reason to his heartbroken best friend. For once, he couldn’t rule out Natalie. She didn’t blackmail Y/N, someone else did.

“Fine. I’ll do it.” Tom grumbles as he gets up and walks away.

The world was quiet for the next two days, and it almost seemed like a break from all of it. Back in the New York, Y/N was minding her own business in the apartment with Kate, when she got a text message.

Unknown

Answer the next phone call. ❤️

Y/N’s phone rings and it’s Tom. Her hands are shaking, afraid of what was going to happen. “Y/N.” Tom says shortly, tone filled with disappointment.

“Tom” Y/N replies, her voice shaking.

This wasn’t sanctuary anymore. This was hell.

“Tell me it’s not true.” Tom speaks out, needing to hear the truth. “Did you go out with another guy?”

Y/N hesistated for a moment, unsure of what to say. She could either lie or tell the truth but it didnt matter at this point she was fucked either way. “Yes.” She breathes out. “But — ”

“It’s not what I think? Right?” His tone getting louder. “So it’s okay for you to judge me with Natalie, but not okay for me to judge you with some bloke you’re with?”

“Matt is my friend and I had no choice in that matter!” Y/N yells out, unhappy with how Tom was confronting her.

“Did he threaten you?”

Y/N hesitated for a moment, not him but someone was threatening her. “No.”

“Then you did have a choice.”

As soon as Y/N was going to speak, she got a new message. This time it was a picture from Unknown. One of Tom and Natalie getting cozy as they walked out of a building. Natalie was smiling and Tom had his arms wrapped around her shoulder. “Yeah, guess you made yours too with Natalie.”

Tom was in shock, did she know about the him and Natalie. “Y/N it’s not what you —”

“What? What I think? Yeah that makes two of us, but you want to make assumptions? Fine. You look like you already moved on yourself, but moving on with a girl you know I can’t stand...that’s an all time low for you.” Y/N hangs up and throws her phone across the room. Kate quickly comes to comfort her best friend.

“He...he moved on.” She sobbed quietly in Kate’s arms.

“I know...it’s going to be okay.” Kate whispers. Tears started to also fall on Kate’s eyes as she saw how much pain her best friend was in. She looked at her phone and quickly deleted the pictures she had taken of Y/N and Matt. “Im so sorry. I..have to tell you something.”

Y/N had fallen fast asleep, exhausted from crying. Just when Kate was ready to tell the truth...the door rang.

“Kate!” Harrison and Harry said spoke out in relief as they hugged her.

“Hey..what are you guys doing here?” She asked surprised but also relieved.

Harrison and Harry looked at each. “We want to help find out the truth.”

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl​ @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit​ @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco

[nights-pdf]

a/n: this is my first time writing something and feeling good enough to post it. id appreciate any and all constructive criticism. ik im not the best writer and i want to get better so pls share and help me out. ty. i hope you enjoy.

warnings: depression & anxiety are both mentioned. i dont think i went too far into detail but pls be aware for your mental health. also kinda angsty.

roses: a.i.

Ashton and I have never been one for secrets, or at least I didn’t think we were, but things have been different. He has been ignoring me for almost three weeks now, only talking to me when I show up at his house, demanding to at least see him. To see that physically he’s okay. Mike and Luke will only talk to me if I don’t bring him up. As soon as I mention Ashton they suddenly ‘have to go’ and hurry to hang up. Cal will continue to talk to me but he totally ignores whatever questions I ask about him.

I was on Instagram and I saw Ashton on Luke’s story, the first time I’ve seen him in a week and a half. That’s how I ended up on Luke’s porch, working up the courage to ring the damn bell. He hasn’t left you with any options. He’s ignoring you, your other friends aren’t hanging out with you, he brought this on himself.

I press the doorbell, listening to the soft chime echoing in the house and I hear fast approaching footsteps. “Coming!” A voice calls out and within seconds the door is pulled open and I catch Sierra’s bright smile. 

“Dee, I- hi.” She says, her smile faulting and my heart breaks. I was hoping she wasn’t here. I was praying that she didn’t listen to me cry about my fear of losing Ashton and then play board games with him the next day. But she was. 

“This was stupid.” I mumble quickly, fighting off the tears that are threatening to spill and Sierra reaches out for my hand. 

“No, no, it’s not stupid.” She consoles and I shake my head, yanking my hand out of reach.

“I’ll leave you guys to yourselves. Just, um, just tell him that I’m sorry— for whatever I did.” I tell her with a tight smile. 

“Si! What are you doing, it’s your turn?!” Ashton shouts from deeper in the house. 

“Give me a minute!” She says quickly, stepping out onto the porch with me and closing the door. “I’m so sorry, I wish I could’ve explained it all to you, but it wasn’t my place. I tried literally parent trapping you and Ashton but he always canceled and I— it’s no excuse, but I’m sorry.” She says, her brown eyes softening and I shake my head. 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I just—“ I take a deep breath, calming my anxiety while I make an arguably regrettable decision that’ll change my life in mere seconds. “I’m not gonna be in LA much longer and I thought it was insensitive to just drop that in the group chat or something.” I tell her and her eyes widen.

“What? You’re— you’re leaving?” She asks and I nod. “What about the boys? The band— I mean you’ve been a crew member forever.” She adds and I shake my head. 

“It’s hard working with a band that won’t talk to you, Si.” I tell her softly and the front door opens. Si and I both turn to see all four boys stuffed in the doorway. 

“Dee.” Luke says, clearing his throat and elbowing Calum, who’s beside him, in the stomach. 

“Hey, Dee.” Cal says and I smile softly. 

“Hey, I was— I was just leaving.” I tell them, turning around and someone catches my wrist. I turn to face Sierra and she drops my hand. 

“You tell them.” She says and I shake my head. 

“Tell us what?” Michael ask and she quirks an eyebrow. 

“I’m taking my friends offer to go on tour with her.” I tell them, turning to face the boys and my eyes catch Ashton’s. “She’s based in New York City, so I’m moving out there.” I add and Luke is the first to speak.

“You’re leaving? When?” He asks and I shrug. 

“Probably by the end of the month.” I tell him and Ashton shakes his head. 

“You’re just gonna leave? Forget the past what— six years?” He asks and I shake my head. 

“You have no right to be mad at me. You haven’t spoken to me in almost three weeks. I only know you’re okay because I see you in their stories. You want to walk away? Fine, but don’t be mad because I’m walking away too.” I tell him, brushing away the tears and he shakes his head. 

“You think I don’t miss you?” He asks softly and I shake my head. 

“Then why did you leave?! You said you’d never leave! You’d never do what they did to me! You said you’d never hurt me and I fucking believed you!” I let the tears stream down my face, not caring about anything anymore. 

“Please, I’m sorry.” He says, his eyes softening at the sight of my tears and he steps closer. 

“No,” I step back, “No, you lost that. You lost the right to be mad at me, or to console me, you all have. You could’ve been fucking honest and you all chose to lie to me and ignore me.” 

“Dee, come on, we’ve all made mistakes—” 

“You don’t accidentally lie to your friend for weeks. You accidentally spill milk, or touch a hot pan, you don’t— you chose to lie to me, you chose to push me away. That’s not a mistake.” I cut Cal off and I shake my head. 

“I’m gonna go. I’m sorry for ruining your game night.” I tell them, turning around and walking down the porch stairs, I walk over to my car, everything silent except for the heel of my boots hitting the cement. I reach my car, unlocking it and slipping it. My gaze travels to the porch, looking at the people I had grown to love like family and my eyes stop on Ashton. Luke’s arm is around his shoulder, clearly saying something to him and Ashton’s eyes meet mine. My heart breaks at his expression, the truth setting in that I had hurt him the same way he hurt me. 

The thought makes my stomach turn but I don’t have the strength to step out of my car. Instead I open spotify and start playing anything to fill the void. I pull out of the driveway, turning up the volume and trying to silence the deafening thoughts running through my mind. 

~

I’ve been packing for two weeks, and fielding calls from the boys and their management. Well all the boys except one. The one I really want to hear from. The one that would say “stay,” and I would drop everything for. 

Maybe it’s good that I’m leaving. I mean, falling in love with your best friend is a bad idea already and although I wasn’t sure of it before I am now. I loved Ashton, in the most inconvenient way possible, so maybe this space will be good for me.

Or at least that’s what I try to convince myself when I feel empty. When the anxiety and depression wins and I wake up in the middle of the night on the floor— typically the bathroom floor— with an empty stomach and pounding headache.

Then I remember Ashton always being there. Picking me up, taking care of me, loving me in the way I never thought I deserved and the thoughts send me spiraling and walking up on the floor again. 

I finish applying my lipstick, biting back the tears that I know will inevitably be shed by the end of the night, and step away from the mirror. I grab my clutch, checking for my phone, keys and wallet before strapping on my shoes and heading downstairs. 

Everyone had insisted that we had one last night out, a final goodbye and send off before I leave tomorrow morning and I had agreed. I walk out to my car and quickly start the ride to the restaurant. I focus on the music, never giving myself enough time to get lost in my thoughts and I get to the restaurant faster than expected. 

I step out of my car and spot Calum almost immediately. He’s turned around, preoccupied with something and I run up behind him, placing my hands over his eyes and he laughs softly. 

“You’re a child.” He mumbles, spinning around to face me and I drop my arms. 

“You love me.” I tell him with a smile and he opens his arms for a hug. I step into his embrace, squeezing him tightly and he does the same. 

“You look beautiful.” He says, stepping back and I smile softly. 

“Thank you.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, the curls already getting in my way and he smiles sadly. “You wanted to talk before dinner?” I prompt and he nods. 

“Yeah, I have a gift for you and a few things to say.” He says with a smile. “First, I wanted to apologize. I never should’ve lied to you and I shouldn’t have let Ashton. I was so blinded by the thought of protecting my brother that I didn’t think to protect my best friend.” He says and I shake my head.

“It’s okay, I get it, and I don’t blame any of you guys. I seriously don’t.”

“With that being said, I also wanted to congratulate you. I wish you didn’t have to leave but I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing what felt right to you, no matter what. You deserve the world, Dee, but you have to take it.” He says with a soft smile and I wipe at the single tear that’s escaped. 

“This is from us— all of us— to you. No matter what happens, what you do, we’ll always be cheering you on and we will always love you.” He says, pulling a velvet box out of his pocket and handing it to me. I carefully take it, giving him my clutch to hold and opening the box to see a delicate, silver necklace, a beautiful rose hanging off it and I smile warmly. It’s almost an exact replica of Ashton’s tattoo and I don’t know if they did it on purpose, but I want to believe they did. 

I can see Ashton pointing out the necklace with a smile, fully knowing how similar it is to his tattoo and the rest of the group agreeing, simply because of my love of roses. I brush away the invisible tears at the thought, choosing that no matter what the story actually is, that’s what it’ll mean to me.

“Cal,” I whisper softly, looking up to meet his eyes and he smiles despite the tears filling his eyes. 

“You like it?” He asks and I nod.

“I love it.” 

“Here, let me put it on you.” He suggests and I nod. We trade off once again and I spin around, pulling my hair up with one hand and he slips it around my neck. “Done.” He whispers when he clasps it and I let my hair fall. I spin back around with a bright smile and he nods. 

“Thank you.” I tell him, toying with the small rose and he nods.

“It was a group thing but everyone agreed that they’d cry like babies so it was decided that I’d give it to you.” He says with a smile and I giggle. “Ready to head in?” He asks, opening his hand for me to take and I nod slowly.

“I just— is he in there?” I ask him, unsure of what answer I’m hoping for and he slowly shakes his head. 

“Luke, Mike and I all tried to get him to come but he wouldn’t.” He says and I nod slowly. I place my hand in his, giving him a tight squeeze before nodding again, this time with more confidence. 

“Let’s go.” I tell him and he nods. We both walk into the restaurant, being led straight to our table after Calum gave the hostess his name. 

“Dee! You look so good!” Sierra says as soon as she sees me and I embrace her in a tight hug. 

“Thank you.” I whisper, holding her tight and she does the same. After we separate, I go around the table, hugging everyone and finally I sit down. There’s an empty seat at the end of the table— the seat that had been saved for Ashton— and the sight breaks my heart. Every time Michael or Crystal address me I have to fight my hardest to not look at the seat and break out into tears.

Despite the nagging reminder that Ashton isn’t there, dinner is amazing and after bidding my goodbyes, I step outside and feel a few drops of rain. I step back, underneath the overhang provided by the restaurant and Calum appears next to me. With almost impeccable timing a crack of thunder is heard and it starts pouring. 

“How many times is this gonna happen to us?” Calum asks, shrugging off his jacket and lifting it over our heads. 

“I’m starting to think this is just gonna be Our Thing™.” I joke and he laughs loudly. 

“Ready?” He asks and I shake my head. 

“Let me take off my heels.” I tell him and he nods. He offers his arm as stability and I start working my heels off.

“Good idea.” He mumbles. I eventually get both heels off and with my clutch and heels in hand and Calum’s jacket over us we run off into the rain. “Are you gonna get home safe?” Calum asks as we reach my car.

“I’ll be okay.” I tell him and he nods. 

“Text me.” He mumbles quickly as I open my door. He presses a quick kiss to my cheek before running off and I get into my car. I start the ride to my house, driving slower this time because of the rain and finally, in the peace of my own car, I let go and feel the tears falling. 

I couldn’t tell you if I’m crying because I’m leaving or Ashton not showing up. Or maybe it’s because the talk Calum and I had before dinner. Or the fact that I always run when things get difficult. I don’t know what it is, but once the tears start they don’t stop and when I stop in front of my house I don’t bother pulling into the driveway. Instead I keep driving, finding myself heading towards the hills and I calm down at the prospect of fixing everything. 

I just have to be honest. Honest about everything and maybe, even if things aren’t the same, they’ll be better. I just have to tell him the truth. I just have to tell him that I love him.

I run out of my car as soon as it’s in park, sprinting up the unnecessary long path to his front door and I ring the doorbell, feeling a surge of confidence, anxiety and impatience all at once. I fold my arms over my chest, trying my best to warm up but it’s nearly impossible when my dress and hair are absolutely soaked. I try the doorbell again, the confidence waning and anxiety and impatience doubling. 

“C’mon, Irwin. Please.” I mumble under my breath, reaching into my clutch to grab my phone and I quickly dial his number. Unshockingly it goes right to voicemail and I groan loudly. “Irwin, stop being a dick, it’s pouring and I’m freezing.” I mumble, stuffing my phone back in my clutch and ringing the doorbell again. And again, and again, until he finally pulls the door open. 

“I told you I’m not fuckin—” The words die on his tongue when his eyes land on mine. 

“Dee? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner?” He asks, snapping out of his thoughts and I take in the details of his face. The bags under his eyes are more prominent then they’ve probably ever been and my heart breaks at the thought. His eyes look a bit darker, like they always did when he was upset and I shake my head, pulling myself out of those thoughts. 

“I, um, I needed to talk to you.” I tell him and he quirks an eyebrow.

“You didn’t get it all out before?” He bites and I shake my head.

“I’m here to apologize, okay? I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry for whatever made you hate me and if I could I would go back and fix it all but I can’t. All I can do is apologize and pray to whoever will listen that you won’t hate me for the rest of your life.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard or asked for too much from you. I’m sorry that I was selfish because I was. I took and took and took from you because it was easy, because you made me feel loved and I never felt that before. I’m sorry if I loved too hard or I made things difficult. I’m sorry for every possible thing I did that would have pushed you away. 

“But I’m not sorry for loving you. I’m not sorry for giving you everything I could. I wish things could’ve ended differently but I’m not sorry for falling in love with you. I won’t ever apologize for that, Ashton, because I did, I loved you in the most unconventional way possible and I loved every second of it too.” I tell him, not caring about the tears that escaped and I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. 

“That’s all I had to say: I’m sorry, and I love you.” I tell him finally happy after weeks of feeling miserable. Happy because I spoke my truth and no matter what happens next, I know I tried and that’ll have to be enough. I spin on the heels of my feet, walking away from his door and almost halfway to my car I feel a tug on my hand. Ashton spins me around, his hands coming up to my cheeks and his lips are on mine. 

Once the shock wears off, my hands cup his cheeks, pulling him impossibly closer as I kiss him back. His tongue runs over my sealed lips and I don’t hesitate to let him in. My hands slip into his hair, tangling into the rain-soaked knots and he slowly pulls away. “Come inside,” He breathes into the air between us and I nod. 

“Okay.” I whisper and he smiles softly. 

“I love you too, darling. I always have.” He whispers and I press my lips to his once more.

[hellimagines]

Please, Don’t Take it Back -- Nathan Young

*My masterlist link can be found in my blog description*

Request: “Requesting shamelessly. If you have time can you do a Nathan/Reader where shes like his go to. He goes to her with all his problems and she helps him. And thensomething big happens and he realizes he hasnt been doing the same for her? Bonus points  if theres a sudden and aggressive declaration of love!  I love your face!!!” @stargazingwithcassidy

Summary: After another altercation with your boyfriend, you pick Nathan up from the Community Center, and the truth comes out.

Warnings: domestic abuse, graphic injury depictions

Pairing: Nathan Young x fem!reader

Word Count: 2,000+

A/N: Everyone, Cassidy is the best and I love them and please go give them a follow! Also, lemme know if you liked this bitch

“You know I love you… right?”

You paused, your palms pressed against the kitchen flooring of your boyfriend’s house. Blood dripped from your nose and the corner of your lip, dribbling onto the white tile below and causing tiny mouse-like puddles. Lifting your head you saw Drew knelt beside you, his face full of false concern and pity. His hand was gently placed on your shaking shoulders, his knuckles split, bruised, and bloody from all the punching and attacking he had done. His eyebrows were furrowed over his brown eyes, but they held no emotion.

“Right,” you replied simply, finally looking away so you could raise yourself onto shaking legs. You were forced to stumble over to the counter, your broken fingers gripping onto the marble to keep from falling back to your knees. Pain ricocheted from the tips of your fingers to the back of your shoulder blade, but you ignored it in favor of staying upright. A weak smile spread across your lips as you looked back to your attacker, trying to convince him (and yourself) that you were okay. “Can I go pick Nathan up now? His mum called earlier and she won’t be able to grab ‘im. I’ll be back within the hour.” It was a lie, Nathan had been the one texting you non-stop to grab a bite with him, and you weren’t planning on being back until later.

Drew looked at you carefully, still crouched beside your puddle of blood on the floor. He breathed in, “Fine. Be back by 4, or we’re going to have another talk, got it?”

“Yes, I’ll be back before then,” you nodded, willing yourself to straighten out as he stood up. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now go.” Drew flicked his hand towards the door and you didn’t hesitate before scurrying away, tail metaphorically tucked between your legs.

You rushed to the car, practically stumbling over your own feet in your haste as the front door slammed behind you. Tears trickled down your face and mixed with your blood, causing pink droplets to fall from your chin. Opening the car door took you a minute, but once you were safely inside, you managed to finally take a handful of calming breaths. Your eyes were shut and your hands loosely gripped the steering wheel. You didn’t have much time to think about the past hour- Nathan was probably already waiting for you, and making him wait much longer would only cause a boatload of questions. So, with a deep, ragged breath, you drove away in pursuit of the Community Center and its resident dumbass.

--

“Oi, Cunt Face! Took you long enough, I’ve been out here for days!” Nathan howled across the parking lot, dramatically trudging himself over to your car. A cigarette hung from his pouting lips, but he flicked it away before approaching your car. “The starvation and dehydration has already started kickin’ in! I mean look at me! I’m skin and bones,” he cried, swinging open the door and sliding in.

“Nathan, you’ve always been skin and bones. Shut up,” you laughed quietly, pulling out of the parking lot without looking at your best friend.

Nathan gasped, “Are you skeleton shaming me right now? Because I don’t appreciate that.”

“You know what? Maybe I am- there’s too many skeletons out there, it’s like the pirate days all over again,” you giggled. “I mean honestly-”

“The hell’s happened to your face?” Nathan suddenly shouted, cutting you off and startling you into jerking the car. “You look like you’ve just gotten out of a fight ring- and lost!”

You laughed nervously, “D-Don’t worry about it, Nath’, just an accident. Besides, we all know I’d kick ass in a fight ring.” You were hoping that with enough jokes and playful laughs, Nathan would drop the subject.

But Nathan was an observant pissfire and rarely gave up on things he became fixated on. “Bullshit! That ain’t no accident, love. Your fingers are all fucked, and your face is every shade of black and blue in existence. What happened?”

You let your eyes wander over to Nathan briefly, before focusing them back on the empty road ahead. You didn’t want to tell your curly-haired best friend what had truly happened to you for a multitude of reasons. For starters, Nathan would try and shove you into a clinic, or worse, fix the injuries himself. Just the thought of Nathan attempting to fix your fingers made you shiver. Then, after making sure you were okay, he’d march his scrawny-ass over to Drew and pick a fight. A fight, he would no doubt lose. You had no intention of letting your best friend get mauled just because your boyfriend had a temper.

“(Y/N), please. Tell me what’s going on? It seems like every week you’ve got a new injury and a newly broken heart. I’m a jerk, yeah, but I’m not stupid. He’s hurtin’ you, isn’t he?” Nathan snarled- his soft voice now filled with enough venom to make his Irish accent nearly incoherent. “I’ll fuck him right up if he is. Make ‘im piss and vomit blood for months. ‘Ow’s that sound? Make sure ���e never bothers you again.”

You sighed heavily. Gripping the steering wheel with your unbroken hand, you veered into an abandon store parking lot and shut off the car. Nathan was uncharacteristically quiet, probably sensing that you were finally about to open up. You shifted in your seat, pressing your aching back against the door so you could fully face him. His green eyes were narrowed with worry and concern, his lips pulled into a deep frown, and his fingers tugged on the various holes of his orange jumpsuit. Over the past few months, you had grown tired of constantly having to lie to everyone around you, including yourself. Drew didn’t love you, not anymore, and it hurt to admit. But you had to tell someone about what was going on; even if that someone had never taken anything seriously in his life.

“Just… just let me talk, okay? No interrupting, no nothing. Because if I stop I won’t get going again. Okay?” Nathan nodded, so you began. “We’ve been dating for like two years, yeah? And shit was amazing in the beginning: flowers, books, trips, coffee, texts, car rides, meeting everyone, all that crap. But after the first year, he got mean. He was controlling and kept looking over my shoulder. Everything I did and everywhere I went, he was there. Then, one night, I went out without tellin’ him. I figured that a night away would do the both of us good. I went out with you and the others, smoked a bit and fell asleep on your floor. Shit we used to do all the time. But when I got home that morning, he was… he was mad. Like, really mad. He hurt me until I passed out, and when I woke up, he had gotten me flowers and another book. So, to me, things were okay. One time thing, yeah? But then it became a monthly thing. Then a weekly. And now, I’m lucky if a day goes by that I don’t get slapped or something. I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t know what to do, Nath’.”

After your admittance, the car was filled with a heavy silence. You had tears falling freely from your eyes, while Nathan had barely-concealed ones that he refused to let fall. He needed to be strong for you, the same way you had been strong for yourself. Nathan’s heart hurt at the fact that you had been dealing with near-constant abuse for over a year. That he had no idea about any of it, and that he wasn’t there for you or there to help you during any of it. He had been so focused on his own issues, his own demons, that he didn’t take a second to consider the devil by your side.

“I’m sorry,” he began, the words tumbling from his quivering lips. “I’m sorry that you felt that you couldn’t trust me, or anyone, to help you. I’m sorry that you haven’t felt true love and happiness, that wasn’t followed by being hurt, for two years. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you like I promised I would. I’m sorry, for everything.”

“It’s not your fault-”

Nathan shook his head, “I’m not saying it’s my fault. And it’s not yours, either. It’s Drew’s fault for being a fucked sack of shit. But, what I’m saying, is that I’m sorry. And even though I haven’t been there for you lately, I’m here now. I will do everything in my immortal power to keep you from ever going back to him, from ever getting hurt by him. I love you too much to see another one of these injuries on you. Come back to the Community Center with me, sleep there. We’ll grab some food, like we planned, and then figure all this shit out,” Nathan said, reaching across the console to grab your uninjured hand. “But first, let’s go to the clinic to get this hand fixed.”

“I can’t go to the clinic, they’ll ask questions- but wait, what did you say?” Your brain was turning in mushy circles after Nathan’s speech, focusing on one part of his words, and then all of them, and then none. But one thing did stand out and stayed circling your mind.

“That you can sleep with me at the Center. Mum kicked me out, remember?”

“No, not about that. The love part, you said you love me,” you whispered, your mouth opened in awe. Nathan suddenly looked panicked. His worried face was now a deep red, and he began spluttering over nothing. “Don’t take it back. Please, don’t take it back,” you spit out quickly, gripping his hand tightly. “I love you too. Fuck, Nathan, I’ve always loved you.”

Nathan’s breath hitched and his eyes widened impossibly more, but his face became soft. “You have? Oh God, (Y/N), I should’ve said something sooner! I could’ve made you happy and you wouldn’t have had to deal with that douchecanoe!”

You giggled softly at Nathan’s words, a genuine smile gracing your features. “I should’ve said something, too. But at least we know now.”

“Yeah, you can love me now instead of him,” Nathan huffed, but you shook your head.

“Doesn’t work like that, Nath’, and you know it. I’m gonna need time to heal from all this, and I don’t want to use you as my medicine. I want you to be there for me, but I don’t want to rely on you to be happy. Only once I’ve officially broken up with him and know I’m safe, will I consider us dating. For now… for now, let’s just get these fingers dealt with, grab some food, and head back to the Center.”

Nathan nodded quickly in understanding. “Of course, (Y/N/N). I’ll be here for you as long as you need me to. Best friends ‘til the end of time,” he joked, flashing you a wink as you started the car back up.

“Best friends ‘til the end of time,” you confirmed with an equally goofy smile on your face. You pulled out of the parking lot suddenly feeling lighter, as though the weight of the world had been lifted off your shoulders. You still had a long way to go, and you weren’t even close to being out-of-the-clear, but you were one step closer to safety; to happiness. And that was all that mattered.

--

All Writing Taglist (OPEN): @teageowen @mads---world @alex--awesome--22 @hxdesworld @frozenhuntress67 @samanthasmileys @simonsaysyasss @marvelismylifffe @bademliimagnum @coastalmason @wherewecangazeintothestars

[holycalum]

vice (c.h.) part TWO

part one part 3 part 4

summary- post meltdown at party, cal and (y/n) get into it ya that’s it

word count- 1.9k+

warnings?- swearing, some almost smut, 

a/n- im hoping this is better than the first part i hope u like it that is all for now calum and i made time to see each other after that. we miraculously had a few free hours that overlapped, so we sat in the library friday afternoon, deciding to knock out some homework from our shared class together as i delved into the cluster-fuck of my life 

calum pushed his books to the side, and laid on his arms, looking at up me. his brown eyes were wide and puppy like, a gaze that looked foreign on him.

“yes?” i laughed, resting my cheeks in my hands, i tried to keep my voice from shaking while i talked to him. despite him looking like he could choke me out with his pinky, he was oddly gentle around me. that didn’t stop my nerves at all in the slightest, he was hot and scary; a dangerous combination i had only seen in ashton, the years prior.

“we came here to talk about your very secretive situation,” he stated, rasing his eyebrows. “and you’ve hardly said anything.”

“sorry,” i mumbled, a blush creeping up my neck. “where do you want me to start.”

he shook his head and laughed, “i’m not really sure, just go at it i guess?”

“ok so, two married couples are friends, happen to both have babies at the same time,” i start, clasping my hands together, “couples are wealthy, figure that if they married into each other, they could be double wealthy, kids grow up, parents kinda force it.”

“ok weird,” calum says,

“hey,” i defended, grinning sheepishly.

“but nothing i didn’t expect,” he sat back up, leaning in his chair. the look he gave me almost had me melting on to the floor. “continue.”

“so, david, that guy, he’s like a family friend. it’s kinda all i’ve ever known, i guess i kinda had a crush on him in the beginning, because he was the only boy to give me attention. we dated through high school, and i ended up not really liking him much at all.” i rambled, biting my thumb nail. “but, my parents have been so adamant on me just marrying him. like, i told them i didn’t want to, and they went off, and told me that it was a privilege because it meant i never really had to think for myself, i’d always be taken care of. my whole life i’ve been spoiled and taken care of by my parents, they’ve basically programmed me to have to rely on david to live.” calum’s face dropped,

he opened his mouth before speaking, “so, you’re whole life you’ve just been with him?”

“pretty much,” i flipped my pencil around, focusing my eyes on the wooden pattern on the table instead of calum’s intense eye contact. “i tried dating people in college, after we broke up after high school, really only because we’d be apart. but, it doesn’t even matter, it’s not worth being in a relationship because i’m just gonna be with him anyways.” i let out a long breath, “i don’t even know why i’ve killed myself these last three years in college, if it doesn’t even matter.” i mumbled, tears stinging my eyes. i found myself spilling more than i usually did to people, it was like calum broke the dam inside of me and the words were pouring out of my mouth involuntarily.

“maybe it’s an opportunity to get out?” calum searched for solutions in the worst place to look. my heart ached.

“it’s just,” i breathed, forcing hot tears back into my eyes, “i don’t even know if i could, that’s my family, all i’ve ever known, and not marrying him would mean i fuck up their whole thing.”

“it’s not worth it…” he spoke for me, running tattooed fingers through his curls.

“yeah,” i agreed, “i mean i’ve accepted it, i’m just not happy with it.”

“what would it take to…yanno, save you?” he asked, gesturing at me with his hands.

i laughed, “i don’t know, fall in love with someone richer by the end of the year or piss them off so much they give in.” i closed my eyes for a second, “both are un-fucking-likely.”

“maybe not.” he grinned at me, brown eyes staring into mine.

my overbearing home life often caused me to be impulsive.

one moment, calum and i were having normal small talk outside my building, and then the next we were kissing and making a b-line to his place opposed to mine.

“holy shit,” calum breathed, tanned, tattooed fingers grazing my burning skin and he lit a fire within me i haven’t felt in a long time, if ever. “fucking gorgeous.” he mumbled against my throat, fingers gripping my hips.

“hmm?” i could feel my voice vibrate against his roaming lips and a shiver went down my spine. he disconnected his plump lips from the column of my throat, giving me a chance to leave a lingering kiss on his neck instead. he groaned and threw his head back against his headboard.

“you’re dangerous, pretty girl.” he spoke, voice broken. “for both of us.” “jesus christ, (y/n).” samantha scolded me, later that night. “hanging out with calum hood? i swear you do things in spite of your parents.” i squinted at her.

“what?” i could feel my hands get clammy, 

“you’ve seen him right? your parents would absolutely flip.” she grumbled, brushing her wet hair.

“when’d you even see me?” i asked, sitting on my bed. my heart was pounding loudly in my chest, threatening to jump out and land on samantha. then she’d definitely know i’m not innocent. 

“i was at the library,” she said, running her fingers through her now knot free hair. “oh my god, your dad would burn a city down if he saw you with him.”

“he was nice to talk to…” i trailed off, blushing at the events that took place, after we spoke.

“you sure that’s why you had a good time? because he’s nice to talk to?” she asked, each question jabbing me like a knife, “or because it would piss mommy and daddy off-is that a fucking hickey?”

“why are you being so mean about it?” i questioned, avoiding her accusation of my obviously bruised neck, and i glanced at her instead of my phone for a second, slapping a hand over the mark.

“listen, (y/n).” she sighed, turning around to face me. “calum’s not the greatest guy ever, you might get hurt and i don’t even think you’re doing this for the right reasons.”

“i would’ve done this with anyone!” i argued, “you sound like you’re making excuses, you’ve never been like this.”

“anyone you found attractive,” she remarked, “don’t think you would’ve fucked just any-“

“so, i’m just supposed to end up with david. that’s it?” i cut her off, my voice faded out, cracking a bit.

she let out another breath, “well, that’s what you always say anyways. cutting it kinda close…”

“what if i don’t fucking want to,” i rolled my eyes, “you’ve been all ‘fuck david’ since you’ve met me, and now suddenly when i’m trying to get out of this…you don’t even wanna support me.”

“that was before it was all real, (y/n).” samantha spat, “unfortunately for you, you don’t have anything but david. what else are you gonna do? marry calum?”

“who knows!” i yelled,

“i thought you would’ve accepted it by now,” samantha growled, “you’ve grown up a spoiled little girl and now you don’t want it.”

i let out a grunt and threw my phone onto my bed, and buried my face into my pillow. i heard a faint ringing and i groaned, rolling over and answering my phone. “hello?” i didn’t check to see who it was.

“hey, sweetheart!” my mom’s voice chirped from the other line, it was odd to hear from her.

“hi mom,” i said, my heart racing, “what’s up?”

“so…” she started, and it only caused my body to go cold. “we think you should just..come home. now.”

“you want me to what?” i stammered, fully sitting up and staring at the floor in disbelief. they wanted me to do what?

“come home, we think you should come home.”

i sputtered gibberish, not believing what i was hearing, “and why do we think this? who is we? what?”

“well david said-“

“oh so it’s david, you’re just gonna listen to whatever david says? i’m almost done! what the hell was the point of sending me if you’re gonna try and pull me out the second david says-“

“he just mentioned you weren’t doing well,” she said softly, but i’m fuming. “he thought it might be a good idea.”

“what does david know!” i yelled, my face hot. ��he’s not even done with college! is he worried i’m tainted now, that our children won’t be perfect. god.” i couldn’t stop myself from raising my voice.

“calm down, (y/n).” my mom coos, i almost gag at her tone; it was condescending and i hated it. “i’m sure you can think about it and make a decision after midterms, right?”

“whatever,” i grumbled, and hung up. one of the many nights after that, i laid beside calum, blissfully fucked out. being around him was addicting, and i couldn’t get enough of him.

i closed my eyes sleepily, “wish i could just stay here,” i murmured, my head nodding to the side to look up at calum. he had his arm underneath my head, allowing us to touch and cool off at the same time.

“what was that?” he said, a cocky smile plastered on his face.

“wish i could just stay here.” i repeated, louder this time. the grin on his face exploded into a full smile. he pulled me closer to him, making me roll over halfway on top of him. i giggled and wrapped an arm around his waist. “i have to go home in a couple weeks…”

his grip on my arm tightened, “and see him.” he gritted his teeth, and i could feel his body tense up.

“i’m scared,” i whispered into the tattoo on his collar bone.

“why’s that, pretty girl.” he asked, posture softening at my tone. “wait-hold on.” he wiggled from my grip, leaving me laying face down on the bed. he returned a few moments later, wearing a pair of sweatpants and holding a shirt and boxers. he held them out for me.

i cocked an eyebrow at him, “so we don’t have to have a conversation naked,” he clarified, and i smiled taking the clothes from him. i shimmied then on, basking in his scent all around me. he climbed back into his bed, pulling the sheets back over us.

“why are you scared?” he asked again, comforter up to his chin, eyes wide and puppy like. i almost forgot why i was sad. it was easy to talk to calum about what was happening, after the day in the library he opened up a bit, softening around me, which was not what i had expected at all. i often filled him in, figuring updating him would be a release for me, but it only wove him into my life more.

i sighed, “i’m scared he’s gone propose to me.” i looked down at calum, and i wished i could keep the moment with me forever. he was right, this was dangerous, but i couldn’t stop myself.

“what would you say?” he whispered, reaching out for my hand to pull me to lay down with him again. my heart swelled at the sight of his messy hair and golden skin.

“i guess…” i squeezed my eyes shut, and laid back down. he pulled me close to him, “i guess i’d have to say yes.” i tried to focus on calum’s skin on mine and his smell instead of the knotting in my stomach and tears burning my eyes. instead of saying anything else, he squeezed me against his chest, and pressed a kiss to my forehead, leaving his mouth there.  

a/n- hi heres some slight angst. feedback is always appreciated. love u thank u goodbye until part 3

[jewelphan]

Caught Up in a Dream - Ch. 1

Summary: Dan is Phil’s best friend, and he has been for the better half of the year. The only problem is that Dan doesn’t exist, not really. Dan is just a person who appears in Phil’s dreams; someone who’s made up. At least, that’s what Phil believes.

Word Count (for this chapter): 1.7k

Warnings (for this chapter): none 

-

Phil’s mind had been very jumbled lately. In the past week he had been surged with thousands of thoughts. Granted, these thoughts only orbited around one thing, or rather, one person: Dan Howell. More specifically, the day he met Dan. The day was still clear in his mind as if it had happened yesterday, the day he met the boy with those chocolate brown eyes with hair to match. Met. A strange word to use considering the fact that Phil didn’t meet Dan, not really. He more-or-less created him- made him up, per se.

Dan was just a figment of Phil’s imagination, but Phil couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if Dan was real. Dan Howell, his best friend, would exist, that’s what would happen. And damn, the things he would give just to make that statement true.

Dan seemed real enough: he acted real, sounded real, looked real, even felt real at times. The only thing that was convincing Phil that he wasn’t real was the fact that Phil only ever saw Dan in his dreams. If Dan existed outside of Phil’s dreams, there would be nothing else to keep him from believing Dan wasn’t real. But unfortunately for Phil, he only ever saw the sweet boy when he closed his eyes.

Sweet was an odd way to define Dan. He wasn’t always the kind and loving (and a bit sarcastic… okay, a lot sarcastic) boy Phil had grown to know today. In fact, Dan used to hate him, always mumbling about some revenge plan he needed to execute. Phil never used to understand the boy, he thought he was crazy. But as the nights passed, Dan started becoming less hostile towards Phil and slowly warmed up to him. However, this did not happen fast... and now that Phil thinks about it, it took the better half of six months for Dan to finally warm up to him. Though even now, after nearly a year, Dan still didn’t seem fully comfortable with Phil, though he had gotten a thousand times more tolerable.

Phil wasn’t sure why it mattered so much to him. Dan wasn’t real, not fully. Though, that depends on how you define real. He was real to Phil, so it made since it would matter to him. But no one else knew Dan was real, therefore that should make him nonexistent. Phil supposed it was how you looked at it. To Phil, Dan was the realest thing on this planet- his best friend, but to everyone else, there was no such person named Dan Howell.

Phil sighed, wondering how the hell his mind ever came up with Dan. It shouldn’t have been possible considering his mind was confusing itself enough as it was. Not to mention how damn gorgeous Dan was, Phil’s mind should’ve been incapable of creating such beauty. Regardless, Dan made Phil happy and that was good enough for him. Real or not, Dan was his best and first friend he had ever made.

Phil groaned, flopping himself down onto his bed. The sun had set only about an hour ago and he was already wishing and waiting for sleep to claim him. Ever since he met Dan, he was so much more eager to go to sleep at an earlier time. In the past, he’d go to sleep in the early hours of the morning, but as of late, he had found himself falling asleep just a bit too early. He sometimes even found himself asleep before his own mother, which did raise a few questions from her at the time. Phil remembers her demanding to know what had gotten into him and if he was feeling alright. He did find it funny, she was concerned because he was getting sleep, not because he wasn't. Eventually she stopped questioning him and said that she was just happy he had good sleeping habits again… as if he ever did in the first place.

Phil let out a silent chuckle at the memory before reaching over to turn his bedside lamp off. He laid down in his bed, fluffing out his duvet and draping it over himself. Then he tucked himself deep beneath the covers to achieve maximum comfort. Phil smiled to himself, excited to see Dan again. He saw him every night, with his soft smile and bright eyes. Everything about Dan brought a certain warmth to Phil’s chest that he loved more than he would like to admit. Phil didn’t understand where the warm and soft feeling came from, but it made him happy- Dan made him happy.

With that thought in mind, Phil breathed out a content sigh before closing his eyes and falling into a comfortable sleep.

“Wakey-wakey,” Phil vaguely heard Dan say, “actually, I suppose sleepy-sleepy would be more accurate.”

“What are you on about?” Phil grumbled, he was always a bit disoriented when he gained consciousness within his dreams.

“What I'm saying is, why should I say ‘wakey-wakey’? The last thing I want you to do is wake up… because y’know you're technically dreaming, therefore asleep, and I need you to stay asleep if I want to talk to you. But that’s besides the point, the point is- wouldn't it make more sense if I said ‘sleepy-sleepy’?” Dan tried to explain, rather badly according to Phil.

“I guess,” Phil mumbled, not sure what else to say.

“What's got you so talkative anyway?” Phil questioned. Dan normally talked a lot, but he was never one to start conversations so quickly.

Dan shrugged, “I suppose it's because today marks the day we first met.”

“What, like our one year anniversary?” Phil asked.

Dan scoffed, “you make it sound like we're in a relationship or something.”

“Oh? I was under the impression we were,” Phil smirked, trying his best not laugh.

Dan rolled his eyes, “of course we are, Philly, I didn't mean for you to doubt yourself,” Dan played along.

Dan’s face was so serious that Phil couldn't help but burst out into laughter, Dan quickly following suit. The idea was too ridiculous not to laugh. Him and Dan? In a relationship? The thought was almost too stupid to be considered funny.

“Why don't you--come and give me--a kiss?” Phil tried to ask, his heavy laughter breaking up his sentence.

Dan composed himself a bit and answered, “you only get a kiss if you come and catch me first,” his statement only pushed Phil into another fit of laughter, tears falling from his eyes from the lack of breaths he was taking.

Dan chuckled, “God, you're so childish.”

Phil managed to control himself enough to answer, “you're the one who played along.”

“Only because you started it.”

Phil waved his hand dismissively, “excuses, excuses.”

“Whatever,” Dan muttered.

There was a pause in the conversation- and Phil's laughing- before Phil spoke up,“but seriously, a whole year?” Phil asked. He wondered if that was the reason he had been thinking about Dan so much lately.

“Yeah, it's crazy, right?” Dan asked, though the question was rhetorical.

“Time flies.” Phil mumbled, he couldn't believe an entire year had passed since he had met Dan, the thought seemed too crazy to be true, but it was true.

Dan nodded in agreement, heaving a sigh as he sat down on the floor.

It wasn't so much a floor as it was a platform. The place they were in never changed. They were on a large yet simple glass platform that floated in the sky; surrounded by the dark of the night. But it never really seemed dark because the moon shone brightly above and the sky was filled with stars. It was like someone spilt a bottle of glitter, but the spill was too beautiful to clean up. Phil loved everything about the place; he often wondered how the place came to be.

He remembered back when Dan didn't talk too much to him, Phil would just sit at the edge of the glass- feet dangling over the side- and admire the view. He did this for quite a few months, really. He only stopped when Dan started making proper conversation with him.

He remembered once when Dan was being particularly annoying, Phil thought it would be a good idea to push him off the edge of the platform. Partly because he was curious as to what would happen, but mostly because Dan was being an annoying twat. Much to Phil's dismay, Dan ended up right back on the platform, almost as if he teleported back there. Dan hadn't talked to him for nearly a week after that, which Phil was very grateful for at the time. Now he wasn't sure what he would do if Dan ignored him for so long.

“What's got you so deep in thought?” Dan asked, breaking Phil from his thoughts.

“Mm, nothing. Just thinking of that time I pushed you off the platform.” Phil said simply, almost as if he was trying to provoke Dan.

“You sound so proud of yourself.” Dan scoffed.

“I was at the time.”

“Yeah, well, it was rude.” Dan grumbled.

Phil rolled his eyes, “it’s not like it hurt you,” he paused, “and I ended up getting what I wanted, anyway.”

“And what would that be?”

“For you to ignore me.”

“I bet if I ignored you now you wouldn't like it so much, would you?” Dan said smartly.

Phil didn't even try to deny it.

After that, there was a comfortable silence that fell over them, only to be broken about a half hour later by Dan.

“The sun’s about to rise,” Dan mumbled softly.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed.

“You have school,” Dan said.

Phil nodded.

“You need to wake up.”

“Yeah,” he said again, but made no move to get up.

“Phil,” Dan stated firmly.

“Yeah, okay, I'm getting up.”

“It's not like you won't see me tomorrow,” Dan grumbled.

Phil looked up at him, “sounds like you can't wait to see me again,” Phil said sarcastically.

“I can't,” Dan said honestly, “now get up before I kick you off this platform.”

Phil sighed, but got to his feet, “Happy Anniversary, Dan,” Phil mocked sarcastically, yet he laughed anyway.

And he heard Dan laugh as well before the dream around him faded and he found himself once again awake in his own bed.

Next Chapter

a/n: look at me... writing a chaptered fic... welp im not sure how this is gonna go but im giving it a shot. I don’t have an updating schedule atm but I’ll see how things go and hopefully I’ll make one, but as of rn im very attached to this story so hopefully updates will be sooner rather than later but ye, I hope u enjoyed the first chapter and looking forward to the next one :)

[set-phasers-to-whump]

whumptober day 7

prompt: isolation

whumpee: aidan waite

fandom: being human (US)

quick disclaimer:  this is horribly ooc bc i havent seen the show in utter ages since its not on netflix anymore and i am well aware that it sucks and im sorry but i have to post something so heres this utter garbage heap of not-even-whump. i promise i hate it just as much as you do.

Aidan Waite wasn’t a good person. He wasn’t even a person, actually. And he had done far too many bad things in his long life to be considered ‘good.’ So he was a bad vampire. No matter how hard he tried not to, it seemed like he always relapsed into drinking directly from people. No good person hurts other people. Ergo, he was bad.

He had been hanging out with Bishop and one thing had led to another, and here he was, feeling dirty with live blood. He kept telling himself that he couldn’t keep doing this, but he never seemed to be able to resist. He returned home around five in the morning, ashamed and slightly drunk.

He was tired of this, the constant pull to just grab someone and drain them. He found himself wondering what he could do, and finally came up with an idea. He could lock himself up, isolate himself from the world, somewhere where he wouldn’t be able to find any humans to drink-a sort of detox. He could bring blood bags from the hospital and stay for maybe a week, and see what that did.

It wasn’t a perfect plan-where would he go, for one thing. The woods? Some abandoned house on the outskirts of the city? He couldn’t just lock himself up in his room-his housemates wouldn’t much care if the door was locked or not, they had ways around it. He couldn’t let them interfere, couldn’t let them know what he was doing. He doubted they’d approve, and they’d try to find him. He needed to do this, just to see if it would work.

And work it did. Aidan had found himself an abandoned cabin in the woods, and had even gone a step further and locked himself in its basement. He had known he would easily be able to break the lock if he wanted to, so he had bought himself some handcuffs which he was pretty sure would be able to hold him, and had cuffed himself to an old iron bed frame he’d discovered in the basement when he was exploring the cabin. His plan was to bring his phone and call Josh after a week and ask him to come unlock the door. He had a power block, plenty of blood bags, and a few books to keep himself busy. 

The first two days went pretty well, he thought. Josh had called him, but he had explained that he’d been called out of town unexpectedly and would probably be back within the week. Aidan was pretty sure that Josh hadn’t believed that for a second, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. He had drank a few of his blood bags and had read one of his books and started on a second. He was bored, sure, but it was only five more days.

The next two days passed slowly and agonisingly. Aidan’s eyes began to hurt from all the reading, and he didn’t want to use his phone in case he accidentally drained all the battery from his power block and ended up trapped. He tried to sleep, but the basement was cold and damp and he hadn’t thought to bring a blanket. A detox wasn’t supposed to be comfortable, he had thought. 

By the fifth morning, he was ready to leave, but he had promised himself he’d stay a week. He hadn’t really thought this through, he realised. Of course in here he was perfectly able to resist the temptation to drink people, but there weren’t any people around! All this was doing was making him miserable. But he had made it this far, he couldn’t give up now.

So he suffered through a fifth day in the mouldy and uncomfortable basement. His limbs had grown used to not having many places to go, and now everything just sort of ached. He wondered if he’d be able to stand up when the week was up, or if he’d just fall right over.

The sixth day passed in an even worse manner-it began to rain at around four in the morning and didn’t let up until late afternoon. The cabin, being in such a state of disrepair, was far from watertight, and the basement became even more damp, and the mildewy smell only got worse. 

So to sum things up, he was cold and wet and beginning to be affected by the mould, not to mention he was lonely and bored out of his mind. He couldn’t sleep that night at all, and sure, he didn’t necessarily need to, but he wanted to, more than anything. But there was about half an inch of water on the ground and his wrists had begun to ache in their restraints. At least he wasn’t hungry. At least he only had one more day.

Finally, finally, his last day in the cabin arrived. He had actually done it! He spent his day lost in thought, planning out how to better tackle his issue, seeing as this solution had not been the most useful. He did manage to sleep that night-most of the water had leaked out to somewhere else, and although the ground smelled even worse than it had before the rain, he was too tired to notice. 

At last it was the dawn of the eighth day-he had made it through an entire week. He grabbed his phone, which he had managed to keep dry and charged throughout the week. His hands shook a little as he called Josh-what exactly that was from, he wasn’t sure. 

Josh didn’t pick up. He didn’t really know who else to call, so he kept trying-Josh did have work today, he supposed. Maybe he was just busy.

But he didn’t pick up all day. He had Bishop’s number, but calling him might defeat the entire purpose of this terribly planned endeavour. 

Aidan resigned himself to spending another night in the basement. And then another. He had started to worry after his fourth call to Josh, and he was now absolutely panicked-but his handcuffs were doing their job far too well, and he was completely stuck, with the key thrown across the room and the bed frame absolutely refusing to move. He was going to have to call Bishop. He put it off for as long as he could-he was really not looking forward to having to explain himself. 

And then he was saved by the bell, or rather the call-Josh’s number flashed across his screen at last!

“Aidan?”

“Why haven’t you picked up? Did something happen?”

“Yeah, my phone broke, I just got it back today. Where are you? I thought you said you’d be back within a week.”

“I’m...in the woods. In an old cabin.”

“What? Why?”

“I was just trying something...I’ve been here for, like, ten days. I can’t even feel my legs anymore.”

“Where exactly in the woods are you?”

Aidan gave Josh the best directions he could, and Josh promised he’d be there as quick as possible.

After what seemed like an eternity, even compared to the endless days he’d spent alone, Aidan finally heard a door open above him.

“Aidan? You in here?”

“Josh! I’m in the basement!”

He heard Josh’s footsteps on the stairs, and finally, the door creaked open.

“Aidan...you look awful. Why are you even here?”

“I was trying something...a detox, I guess.”

“Did it work?”

“I realised a few days in it wasn’t going to be able to do much of anything.”

“Why didn’t you call me then?”

“I thought maybe it could still work, I couldn’t just give up.”

“You’ve been here for ten days! Where’s the key to these cuffs?”

Aidan motioned to the corner where he’d thrown it. “Man, you really made sure you couldn’t get out, huh?” Josh said. 

Aidan didn’t reply. Josh came over to him with the key and unlocked the handcuffs. Finally, he could move his limbs again! Aidan immediately tried to stand up, but his legs were having none of it, and he promptly toppled into Josh, who barely managed to catch him. 

“Let’s get out of here and you can walk around outside,” Josh suggested. “There’s mould everywhere in here, I can’t believe you’ve been breathing this for ten days.”

“I’m not alive, Josh.”

“Still.”

They made their way upstairs (well, mostly Josh made their way upstairs. Aidan’s legs still weren’t cooperating) and out of the cabin. The fresh air felt so nice and clean after so long spent breathing stale, mouldy air. 

It didn’t take too long for Aidan’s legs to work again, and soon after that, Josh was pushing him into his car and driving them home. 

“Aidan!” Sally came hurrying to the door to greet him. “Where the hell have you been?” 

Aidan explained his plan to her and Josh as they looked at him in bewilderment. 

“Why would you think that was a good idea?”

“I didn’t fully think it through, okay?”

“Clearly.”

“You’re filthy, how about you go take a shower and I’ll make some dinner,” Josh suggested. 

“I’ll find us a movie to watch,” Sally offered. “Only fair I get to choose since I don’t get to eat,” she added. 

Eventually, they were rejoined by a much cleaner Aidan, wearing a thick sweatshirt and pajama pants-it felt so nice to be warm again. He and Josh brought their dinners to the couch, and the three of them settled in for a movie. 

Aidan hadn’t really registered how much he’d missed simple human-well, not exactly human-contact until now. Josh was warm against him, and even if he couldn’t actually touch Sally, her presence was solid (for a ghost) and real. He stretched his legs out onto the coffee table in front of him and leaned his head against Josh’s shoulder. He wanted to swear to himself that he’d never do anything stupid like that again, but he knew he probably would. He’d just have to hope his friends would be there for him again.

im so sorry if you read this i know its bad but by the time i realised how bad it was i was too far into writing it to start over

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 

no. listen. 

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that.