#but if you knew any of kansas/ history of the school there’s actually no joke to be had

[robertsbarbie]

i’m the worst kind of person because i get so annoyed by jokes/ people making fun of things when the whole basis of the joke depends on the listener not knowing anything about the subject

[wistfulcynic]

Across The Snowy Places (2 /5)

SUMMARY: Desperate to avoid another disastrous setup, Emma Swan tells her sister-in-law Mary Margaret she doesn’t need a date for Thanksgiving dinner... because she’s dating her neighbour, Killian Jones. The neighbour she tries to avoid but can’t seem to get out of her head.

Killian has been captivated by Emma from the moment they met, and he’s thrilled at this opportunity to get closer to her. But when they are trapped in a freak snowstorm in a room with only one bed, can he finally take the chance he’s been longing for, or will his actions drive Emma away forever?

In other words: TROPES GALORE

On AO3 | Chapter One on Tumblr

Thanks always to @thisonesatellite​​ and her boundless wisdom, enthusiasm, and insight ❤️❤️❤️

@kmomof4​​​ @shireness-says​​​ @snidgetsafan​​​ @darkcolinodonorgasm​​​ @snowbellewells​​​ @stahlop​​​ @mariakov81​​​ @courtorderedcake​​​ @jonirobinson64​​​ @tiganasummertree​​​ @ohmightydevviepuu​​​ @shardminds​ @jennjenn615​ @superchocovian​

If you would like to be tagged or not tagged in future chapters, please do let me know!!

-

CHAPTER TWO: WEDNESDAY

The last day before the Thanksgiving weekend is always hectic and Emma doesn’t get home until nearly eight. She’s exhausted and starving and in a terrible mood, made worse by the lurking knowledge that tomorrow she’s going to have to get up early and spend the day in the company of Killian Jones. She’s standing in front of her empty refrigerator wondering if she dares to sniff the milk when there is a knock on her door. She opens it to find Killian leaning against the jamb, holding a bottle of wine and a white plastic bag full of something that smells incredible. 

“I hope you like Italian,” he says. “Wine and food.” 

“I do, to both, but I don’t recall inviting you over.” 

“No indeed, you’re terribly careless about issuing invitations. And you know nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations.” He chuckles to himself and she frowns. 

“Private joke?” 

“Aye. If you’re lucky one day I’ll explain it to you. Are you going to let me in?” 

She wants to refuse, oh how she wants to, but whatever he’s got in that bag is making her stomach rumble in delighted anticipation. “Well, since you brought food,” she says, stepping back to allow him entry.  

“And wine, love,” he reminds her, pushing away from the doorjamb with a liquid kind of grace that absolutely does not make her wonder what he’d be like in bed. 

He swaggers into the kitchen and sets the bag on the counter. “I didn’t know what you’d like so I brought several things,” he says. “I figured we could split whatever’s left.” 

Emma peers into the bag. “What have you got?” 

“There’s some lasagna, spaghetti carbonara, tagliatelle in meat sauce, and spicy chicken penne,” he says, removing the cartons and lining them up on the countertop.  

“Um, tagliatelle for me please.” Emma frowns as she spots the takeout menu tucked into the bottom of the bag. Carlotti’s. How he managed to choose her favourite meal from her favourite Italian restaurant is something she decides she’s simply not going to think about. 

“An excellent choice Swan, particularly as it leaves the carbonara for me,” Killian says. “Plates?” 

Emma retrieves two of them from her cupboard along with wine glasses, and Killian dishes out the pasta while she pours them both a glass of the Barolo he’s brought. Emma gives the wine a sniff as she carries it over to the stools at the end of the countertop where she sits to eat. She doesn’t drink red wine often but this one smells wonderful, spicy and rich, and she finds herself looking forward to trying it. 

She sits down and Killian puts a plate of pasta in front of her and hands her a napkin. She watches him as he settles himself on the stool next to her and gives her a smile.  

“You know you don’t actually have to date me, right?” she says. “It’s just for Thanksgiving. To keep my sister-in-law from setting me up with some horror show.” 

“Yes, I do understand that, Swan, but I thought if we’re to make this ruse believable it might help if we knew a bit more about each other.” 

“Oh.” Of course, she thinks. That makes sense. “I guess I thought we could do that on the drive there.” 

“Just how long is this drive?”

“Um, about two hours in good weather.” 

Killian quirks an eyebrow. “So you’re saying that everything I need to know about Emma Swan can fit into that narrow window of time?” 

“Well, yeah.” She twirls pasta on her fork, avoiding his eyes. “There’s not really much to know about me.” 

“I find that very difficult to believe,” he says. 

“Oh yeah?” She tries not to sound belligerent. “What makes you think that?” 

He takes a sip of wine, but his eyes never leave her face. “You’re a bit of an open book, darling.” 

She snorts. “I’m not.” 

“Oh, but you are. I’m a writer, I observe.” 

“You’re a writer?” 

“Indeed. A fact that my girlfriend should probably be acquainted with. Even if she’s only a temporary one.” 

Something flutters in her belly at the way he says girlfriend, and she takes a huge gulp of wine.

“I thought you were a teacher,” she blurts, to cover her nerves. “You’re always mentioning your students.”

“Aye. I’m a professor of maritime history, and of course writing is a big part of that.” He pauses. “But I write some other things as well.”

“What sort of other things?”

“Short stories, mostly.” 

“Mostly?” she presses, and a pink flush begins to creep across his cheekbones. 

“And some, er—poems.” He rubs at his neck, eyes fixed on his plate. 

“Is that embarrassing?” she asks, fascinated by this reaction. By this man who always has a smooth quip at the ready blushing like a summer morning. 

“It’s personal,” he replies with a small shrug. “And I don’t publish them under my own name so not many people know.” 

She wants to ask what name he does publish under, but he hurriedly changes the subject. 

“So tell me about whom I’ll be meeting at this Thanksgiving dinner,” he says. 

“Oh.” She thinks for a minute. “Well, there’s my brother and sister-in-law.” 

“Aye, so I deduced. Tell me about them.” 

“David’s my brother. Adopted brother, but—” 

“Aye, you’ve mentioned before that you were adopted. When you were fourteen?”

She nods, surprised that he remembered. “Yeah. Ruth, David’s mom, she was just supposed to be my foster mother, but…” she trails off, not certain how to explain the connection, the sense of home she felt when she moved in with Ruth and David. 

Killian smiles, a soft, understanding smile she’s never seen on his face before. “But once she met you she couldn’t let you go,” he murmurs.  

“Um, yeah, I guess you could put it like that.” Emma feels herself blushing now. “We just… connected.” 

Killian finds himself relating hard to this Ruth. One meeting with Emma was all it took for him as well. 

“She passed away five years ago,” says Emma, staring at her plate. “Cancer.” 

The sadness in her voice squeezes his heart. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Yeah.” She shrugs. “It was quick, which was a shock but at least she didn’t suffer. David and Mary Margaret had just gotten engaged when she was diagnosed, they actually threw together their wedding in less than a month so she could be sure to see them married. They’ve been together since they met in college. Love at first sight.” She gives another little shrug as if to say how ridiculous the idea is, but Killian sees the longing in her eyes.  

He resists the urge to take her hand, to offer her any kind of support or sympathy. He knows she would immediately reject it. Instead he concentrates on his pasta. “So David and Mary Margaret, and who else?” he asks. 

Emma gives herself a little shake and picks up her wine glass. “Um, probably Ruby, she’s Mary Margaret’s best friend. And whoever she’s dating now. The last time I talked to her she was crazy about this girl Dorothy who’d just moved to town from Kansas, but I have no idea if that worked out.” 

“Ruby and maybe-Dorothy. Check. Who else?”

“Mary Margaret’s stepsister, Regina, will be there. At least, MM will invite her and Robin will probably make her go.” 

“Robin?”

“Regina’s husband. Regina and Mary Margaret didn’t really get along when they were growing up. They were teenagers when their parents got married and I guess there was some jealousy there. Robin and David get along great though and they keep trying to heal the breach. They’ve been trying for years. Usually, Regina and MM grit their teeth and pretend everything’s okay during the holidays then ignore each other for the rest of the year. Except on their birthdays.” She grins. “Each year they try to outdo each other by sending the most elaborate birthday card. Regina’s are usually huge and like, gilded or something, while Mary Margaret makes hers by hand out of these tiny bits of paper. It takes her weeks.” 

Killian chuckles, imagining it. “Warfare by greeting card. I like it.” 

Emma joins his laughter and for a moment the small kitchen feels warm and intimate. Her face is soft with affection for her family, her cheeks pink from the wine. She’s so beautiful she steals his breath, and Killian’s fingers tighten on his wine glass. He takes a sip to steady himself. 

“Will anyone else be there?” he asks. 

Emma bites her lip. “Um,” she says, and there’s a note in her voice that has Killian’s attention sharpening. “I guess David’s friend Graham will probably be there.” 

“Is that a problem?”

She shrugs. “Graham and I dated a bit in high school. Sometimes I think David wishes we had ended up together.” 

“Do you wish that?” His voice sounds rough to his ears. 

She stares at her empty plate. “I mean, he’s a really nice guy and all and I liked him, but there was just never any— any—” 

“Any spark,” he finishes, and she looks up. 

“Yeah,” she says. “There was no spark.” 

There’s sure and bloody well a spark with him and Emma, though, Killian thinks. It fairly crackles through the air between them and makes the hair on his arms and the back of his neck stand up whenever she’s near. He’s certain she feels it too and wishes he understood why she fights it so hard. He probably should have refused her invitation, invented some excuse to placate her sister-in-law and not perpetuated this situation that she clearly finds uncomfortable. Yet when presented with the opportunity to spend some actual time with her he simply wasn’t able to stop himself from taking it. Because despite her sharp tongue and stalwart defences, and the enthusiastic way she’s shut down every attempt he’s made to get closer to her, Killian is helplessly drawn to Emma Swan. She’s a fascinating puzzle, a tangled knot of soft feelings and prickly defences and he wants to unravel her. To know her. Hell, he just wants her. 

And right now, he wants to kiss her. Her eyes are wide and locked with his, her lips slightly parted and her pulse thrumming visibly in her neck. There’s a bit of pasta sauce on the corner of her lip that he wants to lick off before licking deep into her mouth. He leans closer, holding her gaze, giving her time to back away, to stop him. She swallows hard but doesn’t move, and his heart is pounding so fiercely he can feel it in his temples. His lips are a breath away from hers when the panic flares in her eyes and she pulls away, leaping to her feet and sending her stool tumbling over onto the floor. 

“Um, it’s, uh, getting late,” she says. “And we’ll need to get going pretty early tomorrow. So, ah, I think maybe you should go.” She doesn’t look at him.

Killian stands as well, shoving his hands in his pockets and forcing down his disappointment. “Do you want the lasagna or the penne?” he asks.

“What?” 

“I promised we’d split the pasta we didn’t eat. So do you want the lasagna or penne?” 

“Um, penne I guess.” 

He nods, takes the lasagna and puts it back in the plastic bag. “Keep the rest of the wine, too,” he says as he moves to the door. He pauses with his hand on the knob. “Ah, what time will we need to leave tomorrow?” he asks, holding his breath, half expecting her to tell him to forget the whole thing. He forces himself not to look at her. 

“Is eight too early?” she asks, after a pause so long he nearly begins to panic.  “That way we’d get there about ten and I can help Mary Margaret with the cooking. She wants to eat at about one.” 

He sighs, heavy with relief. “Eight is fine. I’ll see you then, Swan.” 

When the door closes behind him he leans against it for a moment, cursing himself. He knows better than anyone how skittish Emma is, but he can’t seem to stop himself pushing her, teasing and flirting with her. Trying to bloody kiss her. He makes a disgusted noise. You’ve got to stop thinking with your dick, mate. Remember you’re in this for the long haul.

On the other side of the door, Emma manages—barely—not  to pound her head against it and finally give herself that concussion. She wishes she could go back in time and give Mary Margaret a different name. Chris. Alex. Mike. Andrew. She can think of dozens of them now, now that she’s locked in to Killian with his damned gorgeous face and his eyes that see too much, the electricity that tingles across her skin whenever he’s near and his annoying habit of understanding her.  

And now she has to spend two hours alone with him in her tiny car, at a time of day when she’s at best half awake. When she needs to be alert and vigilant if she’s to stand a chance against this terrifying pull she feels towards him. Against that spark that if she let it could burn her alive. 

Damn it. 

-

[supernaturalfreewill]

Your name: submit What is this?

Words: 2,287 Sam x Reader Reader sex/gender: unspecified Warnings: none! FLUFF A/N: Just a sweet little Sammy fluff fic for you all on this autumn Friday! Happy weekend ya'll!

“Wow,” you said, climbing the front steps to your parents’ house. “There are kind of a lot of cars parked here. I wonder what’s going on,” you thought aloud.

Sam just followed behind you a foot and shrugged.

“Maybe I should have called first,” you said with a laugh. “But my mom seemed really insistent I come and pick up whatever this mail is they’ve been holding for me.” You rang the doorbell, peeking in through the window beside the door.

Sam shrugged his hands into his pockets, studying the neighborhood and your childhood home. Wondering if you had climbed the maple tree in the front yard as a kid, or run barefoot along the fence. There was a crisp autumn chill in the air and the lawn was carpeted with golden and yellow and crimson leaves. “Kind of fun to see a little bit of your roots,” he commented, looking at you warmly.

“Hey, as long as you don’t start psychoanalyzing me,” you joked.

The door pulled open abruptly and you were exuberantly welcomed inside by your sister. “Oh my God! Look who it is! MOM!” she screamed over her shoulder. Her eyes drifted over and landed on Sam standing beside you and you watched her mouth fall open for a split second before she literally tugged you in off the front step and crushed you in a hug.

“Ow,” you said with a laugh, but you returned the squeeze. “What is going on? What’s with all the cars? And why are you home?”

She rolled her eyes. There was a lot of noise and chaos in the background. “Dad is having all ‘the boys’ over for poker night so mom invited all the wives. Brenden and I just happen to be visiting for the weekend.” Her eyes drifted over to Sam again, who was hovering a little awkwardly behind you on the step still.

“I wasn’t even expecting you and the hubby to be home. Mom never tells me anything! I just came to pick up some mail she’s been telling me to get out of here--Hi Mom!” Your mom came bustling up the hallway and grabbed you into a hug.

“Mom, this is Sam,” your sister said pointedly. Your mom’s eyes traveled up Sam’s height and settled on his handsome face.

“Hi,” Sam said with a smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Your mom didn’t respond for a moment, continuing to stare at him with a curious expression on her face. “Oh my gosh! It is SO nice to meet you---HUN!” Your mom screamed back up the hallway, calling for your dad. You winced at the yelling and laughed, looking over at Sam.

You cringed. “Sorry... we’re loud I guess,” you said, shaking your head.

“Oh, he doesn’t hear anything when he’s playing poker--HONEY!” your mom screamed again.

“Mom--”

“HUN! COME SAY HELLO!”

“MOM!” you interrupted. “Geez, I just came to grab that mail. You don’t have to interrupt the entire evening.”

“Oh, right! The mail! Well, come on in! Come in, Sam!” she said, smiling broadly at him again.

You fell into step next to your sister, following your mom up the hallway, Sam a step behind you. “Are. You. Kidding. Me?!” your sister whispered to you.

“What?”

“Oh, come on!” she said. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she pressed.

You gave her a perplexed look. “...Tell you what--?”

“Here you go, honey,” your mom said, shoving a stack of papers and envelopes into your hands and then bustling over next to Sam. “Geez--what even is all this...” you said, trying to gain control of the stack.

“Now, Sam, tell us where you’re from!” your mom asked.

“Oh, uhh, I’m from Kansas,” he said.

“A down home Midwesterner!” your mom said, beaming up at him still. “And what do you do?”

“Umm. I work in, uhh--consulting,” he said, stuttering a little. You caught his eye and managed an amused smile, still trying to straighten the papers in your hands into a manageable pile. Your sister and mom were both staring at him intently with smiles frozen on their faces, clearly waiting for him to say more. “I’m a problem solver,” he added with a nervous laugh.

“What kind of problems?” your sister asked.

Sam’s hazel eyes flitted over to catch yours and you pressed your lips into a thin line, trying hard not to laugh. “Oh, any kind really. It’s the stuff of nightmares, let me tell you,” he replied with a laugh. You bit your tongue to keep from breaking into laughter. Your mom and your sister continued just to peer at him.

Just then your dad wandered in and clapped you hard on the back. “Didn’t know you would be making an appearance!” he said.

You rocked a little on your feet from his strong hand and gave him a half-annoyed look, which only made him smile wider. Suddenly, he noticed Sam standing there and his entire demeanor changed. “Who’s this?” he asked, his brow furrowing.

“This is Sam,” your mom said, catching your dad’s eyes and lifting her eyebrows.

This was the first moment you keyed in on some sort of secondary communication your family seemed to be having, and hints of what it clearly was implying. You squinted at your mom. “Why did you say it like that?” you asked in an undertone.

“Hey, come say hi to my hubs while you’re here,” your sister said, practically dragging you away.

“Wait—why—” You looked back at Sam, apologetic. “Uhh... I’ll be right back?” you said over your shoulder, given no choice but to be pulled into the next room.

He looked a little wide-eyed standing there with your parents but before he could respond you had disappeared around the corner.

“So,” your dad said, looking Sam up and down, rocking a bit on his feet. “What do you do?”

“He’s in consulting,” your mom said.

“Let the man talk,” your dad replied. He looked back at Sam expectantly.

“Uhh, yes, I am in consulting,” he said.

Your dad narrowed your eyes at Sam, and Sam couldn’t believe it, couldn’t understand why, but he felt nervous. He’d been face to face with every goddamn dark thing that walked, crawled, or flew but there--right then--standing alone with your parents? It was the most damn nervous he’d been in a long time.

“You got a last name, Sam?” your dad asked.

“Right! Yes, sir. Sam Winchester,” he said, extending a hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Your dad gripped Sam’s extended hand hard and shook it for slightly longer than was comfortable. He seemed to soften somewhat after that. “You’ve got a good firm handshake,” he commented. “Consulting, huh? Lot of office work in that?” he asked.

Images of salting and burning bones, decapitating vampires, exorcising demons, and struggles with any number of other monsters flashed through his mind. “Not as much as you’d think actually,” he said.

“Would you like something to drink?” your mom asked, before your dad could ask the next question.

“Oh no, really. That’s okay. I’m fine,” he said. “Thank you, though.”

“You sure?” your mom pressed. “Nothing at all? Tea? We’ve got hot cider!”

“No, really. I’m fine. That’s very kind of you to offer, though. Thank you.” Sam glanced hopefully toward the doorway you had disappeared through, but was quickly asked another question.

_ _ _ _ _ _

“Okay, I’m mad at you,” your sister said.

“What?”

“I’m your sibling. We’re supposed to tell each other things,” she continued, crossing her arms and giving you a scolding look.

You stared back at her. You were finally sick of holding all your mail and you dropped it onto the nearest table. “What are you even talking about?”

“Where the hell did you find him?”

“...what? Find?” You squinted at her and she stared back intently. You held a hand up. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sam isn’t--He’s just--we’re not--”

She was giving you a skeptical look. “Uh huh...”

“We’re friends!” You felt your face grow warm, knowing you were blushing.

“Then why are you blushing so much right now!”

“Because you’re extremely embarrassing!” you countered. “It doesn’t mean--we’re just friends!”

“Uh huh.... Methinks thou doth protest too much!”

“UGH! Jesus! You made me leave him alone with mom and dad!” you said, suddenly struck with realization.

“Well, yeah... Let them chat! They should get to know him!”

You threw your hands up. “Why?! AGH! We’re friends!” you repeated.

“Can you say anything else right now besides ‘we’re friends’?” your sister teased you. “And even if that’s true, why? He seems super nice, smart, and HELLOOOO he’s gorgeous. What is stopping you?”

“Just--we’re not--it isn’t like that!” You sighed and stormed back into the kitchen to find Sam listening to a story from your mom.

“--and wouldn’t you know it, he cheated on her during their junior prom!”

You felt your cheeks grow warm again. “Mom! Why the hell are you talking about my high school boyfriend? That’s ancient history! Anyway, we have to go,” you said abruptly.

“So soon? You just got here, sweetie!” your mom said.

“Yep! We gotta go. Sorry to interrupt the evening,” you said. You quickly hugged your mom.

“Honey, he’s a keeper,” she whispered as she gave you a squeeze.

“Oh my God,” you muttered, praying to God, any god, whatever god, that Sam hadn’t heard that. “Okay. Okay! Bye, dad!” You grabbed him into a quick hug too and started for the front door. If you’d rushed anymore you would have been running out of the house.

“It was really nice to meet you,” Sam said with a wave to your parents and your sister who had just come back into the kitchen. He followed you back to the entryway.

“SO nice to meet you,” your sister said, giving you a pointed look. “Please come back soon.”

“BYE,” you announced again, stepping out into the cool air and letting out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding in in a rush of air.

Sam caught up with you and matched your stride. “Are you okay? We kinda rushed out of there.”

Your face burned. “Yep! Yep. Fine...”

“...Are you sure?”

You stopped abruptly and turned to face him. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t know everyone was going to be there. I wouldn’t have dragged you along if I knew.”

Sam shrugged. “It’s alright. You don’t need to apologize for that. It was kind of fun to meet your family,” he said, copying you as you started walking again back toward the car. “It explains some things,” he joked. “Your dad can be terrifying,” he added with a laugh.

“Oh, God.” You put a hand to your face and you felt that familiar heat blooming on your cheeks. “I’m really sorry. They can be--they’re a bit much sometimes.”

“They were great,” Sam said.

You continued down the driveway toward your car.

“So, is that true?” Sam asked. You gave him a questioning glance. “The only guy you’ve ever brought home was your high school boyfriend?” he asked.

You were mortified, feeling the now all-too-familiar burn of a blush on your face. “Uhh,” you cleared your throat nervously. “Heh… Yeah, I guess it is.”

“I’m surprised,” Sam said, almost to himself.

”I’m not,” you said, your tone distinctly self-deprecating.

”Are you serious?” he asked, almost stopping dead to peer at you. “Why?”

You shrugged and shook your head, ignoring Sam’s eyes fixated on you. You dodged the question. “I don’t know… You know… the life got in the way I guess…” You knew it was a weak and not entirely valid reason, but Sam let it slide.

You stopped at the driver-side door and peered at Sam one more time over the roof of the car. He was looking back at you, earnest and sweet, his eyes and smile warm. “I’m--I just want you to know that I didn’t... if they said anything to you about, uhh... I think they just assumed--”

“Hey. Would you stop worrying? You want to know what I think? Honestly?”

You nodded, a little apprehensive.

“Being mistaken for your boyfriend for 15 minutes? It was a pretty okay alternate reality,” he said, his expression earnest and unafraid.

Now you KNEW, no doubt, 100% that your entire face (and probably your chest and ears) were bright red. You didn’t have any adequate response to that. So you resigned yourself to being brave enough to catch Sam’s eyes and hold them for a moment, chewing your bottom lip absently, before climbing into the car.

As soon as you had settled in behind the steering wheel and Sam settled in beside you, you cranked the ignition, and that’s when the final realization hit you.

“Ohhhhhhhh, shit...” You leaned forward and hung your head so your forehead was pressed against the steering wheel.

“What’s the matter?”

“I forgot the goddamn mail...”

[punchlinesf]

Catching Up with Dan Cummins

Dan Cummins has a one hour Comedy Central special along with many other television appearances such as Conan, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Last Comic Standing and more. Those are hefty credits that yield some serious street cred. Credits that the majority of working stand up comics will never see in their lifetime. However, in the grand scheme of things, how much do these ultimately matter in the pursuit of your dreams? I got to chat with the hilarious and hardworking Dan Cummins about his lengthy career in comedy and his upcoming shows at Punch Line San Francisco. Ronn Vigh: We initially met in 2003 when we both competed in the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. That competition is considered a big milestone for up and coming comics. Do you remember anything significant about that week or period of time in your career? Dan Cummins: I remember the first night that the competition was in San Francisco pretty well. I’d never been in SF before but I knew about its comedic history. I felt so out of place and that I had so much to prove. I didn’t want to be seen as some hacky tavern comic from Spokane, Washington. I remember coming into the competition with a HUGE chip on my shoulder. RV: Wow. Well, I was a really green comic myself at the time but for what it’s worth, I remember you being really nice to me. So, how has your point of view or style of comedy evolved since then? DC: Life has changed so much for me since then. I was still a long ways from making a living as a comic back then. It was all still just a big, beautiful, chaotic experiment. Such a big gamble. Every show felt so important. Like my (hopefully future) career depended on it. Now, after having literally thousands of shows under my belt and after making a living in comedy for over 15 years, I’m a lot more at peace with it. I feel like I have less to prove and I think I’m funnier on stage because of that. Back then, I was a joke guy because I was too afraid to commit to a longer form story. I was too worried about bombing. Now, if I feel like it’s entertaining, I’ll tell a ten minute story. I also feel like I have a lot more to say now. I’ve lived a lot more life. I feel more confident in my opinions and perspective than I did in 2003 and confidence in what you’re saying is so important to good storytelling. I’d like to think I��ve come a long way since then and hopefully, I’ve also retained a decent amount of the childlike wonder for the world I had back when I was 26 years old.   RV: I've known many comics who set a list of goals to accomplish by a certain time in their careers. Were you one of those guys? DC: I did make a lot of specific goals. Most of them early on. “Get on this late show, get this type of comedy special, sell this kind of [TV] show!” I’ve been lucky -- I’ve hit most of them (never could sell a show though). The last five to ten years my goals have gotten more artistic. I just want to get more skilled at doing whatever you would call my style of comedy, and reach more and more people who enjoy it, and have those people come out to shows so I can keep doing what I’ve devoted my life too. That’s really my only stand-up goal at this point. RV: I was a flight attendant and in that field they always say being a flight attendant is a lifestyle, not a career. I feel even more that way about stand up, especially for those who do the road so often like yourself. Did you ever have a "Why am I doing this? I should just quit now” moment? DC: I totally get that. Yes -- this life is a long ways from your average nine-to-five job. You’re living in hotels and working clubs and bars all over the world. I’ve thought about quitting many times. I thought about quitting after tough road gigs early on where I had driven eight plus hours to perform for less than 20 people who all seemed to hate me, and I didn’t make enough money to even pay for the gas it took to the make it to the gig. I thought about quitting when my Comedy Central hour special came out in 2010 and no one in America seemed to give a fuck about it enough to buy tickets. I was performing in Grand Rapids, Michigan a week after it aired in front of 30 people who’d never heard of me. I thought about quitting back in 2016 when my album was number one on the iTunes Comedy chart for several weeks in a row, I’d just killed it on The Tonight Show, and I was performing, again, in front of 30 or so people who had never heard of me (this time in Kansas City). I thought, “This is the BEST I can do and it still doesn’t matter!” I’d put out five albums of my best stuff at that point and it just didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.  

RV: The last time I saw you was a few years ago and you were thrilled about returning with your family to your home state of Idaho. Has this helped, hindered, or presented any unexpected challenges for you as a working comic? DC: Idaho has been really good to me. It’s a little harder to get places because of where I’m living but I’ no longer distracted by all the entertainment possibilities of Los Angeles. I’ve gone back to focusing more on stand-up than I was for a while. Also, a lot of exposure has come via Pandora and my podcast Timesuck. I’m actually selling the most tickets to shows of my career by far. I’m working the best clubs in the country and many of the shows are sold out. I never thought that would happen after moving back to Idaho. It’s been incredible! RV: Tell me more about your podcast. DC: Timesuck has been a wild ride! It’s a deep dive on one subject a week and episodes come out Monday at Noon, PST. Episodes can be about anything interesting: criminals, historical figures, cults, current events, social issues, conspiracies, cryptozoology, the paranormal, etc. You learn a lot about one subject a week (me and the team I now have research the hell out of this stuff) and you get to laugh while you learn. I work hard to add a lot of humor to the narratives. We also have an online community that has become pretty interesting as well. It’s grown out of people who are intensely curious about he world around them and willing to question their beliefs wanting to meet other people who feel the same way. Our private Facebook group has close to 10,000 members and many have become friends with one another. Romantic relationships have formed out of the group. There have been some engagements! RV: In early 2017, you were nice enough to give me a guest spot on your show in Arizona. In the green room you spoke passionately about Timesuck as it just started a few months prior. In what ways has the podcast evolved and exceeded your expectations? DC: The podcast has exceeded my expectations in every way. It has evolved into this interesting humanitarian group. Listeners send care packages to and raise money for other listeners in need. They send in emails saying listening to the show has strengthened relationships with their spouses, siblings, parents and more -- giving them inside jokes to share and subjects to talk about. This past week we had an email from someone who found the courage to leave an actual cult they’d been in for years after listening to various episodes about cults I’ve done (Jonestown, Heaven’s Gate, Scientology, Order of the Solar Temple, The Branch Davidians, etc) We’ve had listeners write and say that Timesuck literally saved their life -- that they were suicidal but then became hopeful towards humanity again listening to the podcast. I never expected any of that. Not in a million years. I’m so excited to see where it goes from here! And you can always have a guest spot. You’re a funny guy! RV: Thanks. That’s all I needed to hear. Interview is over. So, does anything you uncover in the podcast wind up working it's way into your stand up?

DC: That’s just started to happen! I told a random story about having a sexual experience with a banana in high school. Yup, a banana. Fans went nuts laughing about it and teasing me. So I decided to tell the whole story on stage (after fans brought bananas to some shows and people started showing up wearing banana shirts) and now it’s one of my favorite new standup pieces. It is RIDICULOUS! RV: Can you give us a sneak peek of what topic you will be covering when you do the podcast live from the Punch Line? DC: Yes! I’ll be telling the tale of the Ant Hill Kids. A French Canadian cult mainly based in Quebec between 1977 and 1989, led by a psychopath named Roch Theriault. He was BRUTAL. It’s amazing what cult members endured at his hands and still chose to follow him. It’s a fascinating study in manipulation and I tell some of the darkest jokes I’ve ever written during this tale. It’s not for the squeamish! RV: What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about San Francisco? DC: My favorite thing about San Francisco is how smart the crowds are. They want good, intelligent comedy. They don’t need to be spoon fed. My least favorite is that San Francisco crowds can be REALLY sensitive. Too sensitive. They can take the social justice warrior ethos -- which is great -- and become a little too serious for their own good. It’s a comedy show, not a protest. Lighten the fuck up and laugh. Life’s too short to be pissed all the time...and this is coming from a pretty angry comic! RV: Well said! It’s always great to see you back at the Punch Line!

DC: I’m looking forward to some Punch Line shows! I truly do love coming to San Francisco. I have so many great memories of shows there over the years. It’s a home away from home and I look forward to it every year. Dan Cummins: The Happy Murder Tour at Punch Line San Francisco, May 1 - 4. Prices and show times vary. TimeSuck Live Podcast w/ Dan Cummins, May 4, 4PM. Tickets are $20 in advance. Tickets can be purchased at punchlinecomedyclub.com

[imjustmejca1971]

I was (or am?) a racist- a blog about privilege

I figured it was time to call out a bit of the privilege in my life and to be honest with some of the ignorance I've had toward others and been on the receiving end of. I’m hoping by doing so it will allow all of us to see things (even for a moment) from another point of view.

I was born in the early 1970's to a loving family. We moved to small town in southeast Kansas when I was six. There were rumors that there was a sign that said "N***, don't let the sun go down on your ass here" in front of the city limits, but it must’ve been taken down before we moved there as I don’t recall ever seeing it.

As I remember, there were two African American families, in addition to one Latino and one Native American family, when I started school. As a young child, I didn't see anyone different because of what color their skin was. I was an introverted kid, so making connections was difficult. I would've been happy to hang out with anyone.

As I started to get a little older, I would listen more to the things adults would say in restaurants, sometimes the neighborhood or other public areas. I would hear things about "dark" parts of town in larger cities that were “dangerous” to go into. I would hear how it wasn't natural for people to be with someone outside their race. I would hear how people would take advantage of "the system," even if I didn't know what "the system" was. I heard stories of gang members that hung out in malls. I was always looking under cars in parking lots so my tendons wouldn't be cut.

When we moved to a larger city (for Kansas anyway), I saw many more people different than me. After all the stories I had heard, I was on guard a bit more. I didn't feel as safe or as protected as I did living in a small town.

When I was in my junior year of high school, there were a lot of rumors of the "gangs" infiltrating our school. I didn't think a lot of it, as I had never seen it. One day, I was leaving school when someone from behind me grabbed my ankles, which caused me to go head first into the pavement. I don't remember a lot of what happened after that, but I recall a circle of people intervening. I heard later I was "lucky," as the next thing that traditionally happened was for gang members to kick the person in the face until they were unrecognizable. I didn't see that kid again after that, but I was a little more scared from that point forward.

In my first job outside of high school, I met a girl who was smart, beautiful and very sweet. She had an amazing smile and we formed a friendly and somewhat flirty connection. She also happened to be black. I thought about asking her out (this is pre-out of the closet Chris), but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to or how she or other people would react to it. She left the job within a few months and I never saw her again. I still remember her smile.

A couple of years later, I was with a friend who wanted to stop to get beer at a liquor store. We were in my car, which was a red convertible. My friend went in the store (I was under 21) and I stayed in the car. While I was waiting, three guys came up to the car and one got in the passenger seat. I was frightened, but I tried to act like they were just playing around. The guy in my seat asked me for $5. I told him I didn't have any cash (I didn't). He responded he knew that I did because a "rich white boy" like me must've had cash. He wasn't overtly threatening, but more like jokingly serious. I again tried to play it off and he seemed to be ready to get out of my car. At that point, my friend came out and saw the two guys outside the car and one sitting with me. He got angry and yelled "what the hell is going on?" Any joking at that point went out the window. The guy got out and started getting in my friend's face (who was twice the guy's size). My friend was able to get into the car and I started backing out. They wanted us to get out of the car and started beating on it. One had a bat and started hitting the trunk and then knocked the side view mirror off my car. We sped away. I avoided "that part of town" from that point forward.

I moved to Kansas City in 1994. I recall being told there were "bad areas" not to go into. The neighborhood I lived in was only a few blocks from one of "those" streets. When I drove home, I would sometimes lock my doors at stoplights when I saw someone nearby.

On one of my soaps in the early 90s, a character I really loved started dating someone of a different race. It felt odd to me. It was the first time I had seen it. The relationship didn't last long (they rarely do in soaps) and the show didn't have anyone of different races dating again for quite some time.

Working for a global telecommunications company in the mid to late 90's, as well as developing a more diverse group of friends, I began to learn how much of what I thought I knew were actually stereotypes. I realized the negative things that had I had experienced above were about the PERSON, not the race. I took classes and even began to teach them on diversity. I began to feel a kinship with other minorities, because I knew what it was like to have people judge me just for being who I was.

That same soap had another character I loved start an interracial relationship years later. This time, it didn’t seem odd at all. It wasn’t any different than any other relationship.

Looking back, I truly hope that my ignorance was never known by others. I hope no one saw the fear in my eyes or heard the locking of my doors. I hope the thoughts I had on the inside were never acted upon on the outside. Do those thoughts still pop up from time to time? Yes. Do I always recognize those thoughts are wrong and never act on them? Yes.

So, why am I sharing this now?

I am very aware I've led a life of privilege. I am a man. I am white. While I am gay, I can "pass" for straight, despite that no one should have to. I've never been turned down for a loan, employment or housing because of my skin color or any other reason so many wrongly are. I have, however, been listening for over 40 years to comments about “fags,” “faggots,” “girly-men,” and other slurs. I’ve heard how gay men can’t possibly be real men. That gay people can’t truly love. That we deserve to die from AIDS or be beaten if we flirt with someone not interested, or literally go to Hell for our behaviors. All of these things were said (and still are) without any regard for their impact. These things, over time, can shape how you look at people, relationships and the world.

Race is a difficult thing for many to talk about. I hear so many say, "I just don't look at people that way" or "I'm color-blind." Many may say that, many may believe that, but it's not always true. We don’t want to believe that about others, let alone ourselves.

Remember the African American girl in the bikini in Texas that was thrown to the ground by a white police officer a few years back? Would the reaction have been different if it was a black police officer throwing a white girl to the ground?

How about all of the unarmed people of color that have been killed when white people under the same or worse circumstances have had every courtesy, every benefit of the doubt given to them?

What about Trayvon Martin? If he had been white, walking through the “wrong” neighborhood and a black man had killed him, would the reaction have been different? If he were white wearing a hoodie through the same neighborhood he was killed in, would that have made a difference? When it's a person of color versus a white man, we always seem to give the white person the benefit of the doubt and the person of color the opposite..or worse.

Think about the end of the book (or movie) “A Time to Kill.” The lawyer (spoiler alert) won the case because he had the jury envision the crime of a little girl being beaten and raped and nearly hung by a tree..but with the change that the girl was white instead of black.

Stephon Clark. Alton Sterling. If you’re not familiar with those names, look them up online. Their stories are horrific and there are so many, many more that don’t make the news for more than a blip.

Our first thought seems to be "they” must have done something wrong. Would we feel the same way if it were police officers of color killing unarmed white dudes? We say we should always obey the law and show respect. Yet time and time again, some in law enforcement act differently toward people of color because they know they can get away with it or don’t see what they are doing is wrong.

Let me be clear. I believe that the majority of police officers are NOT corrupt and provide a tremendous service to the public. They are underpaid and underappreciated. That belief, however, doesn't mean there aren't issues with some. And ignoring those issues has happened for decades and continues to this day. It doesn't have to be one or the other. I can support the police and know most do everything they can to serve and protect, while still recognizing the issues with others.

Racism has been a part of our lives all of our lives. Have things gotten better? Yes. Do we live in a post-racial society? NO.

The challenge is no one wants to admit anything about systemic racism. We know it's bad, we know it's wrong, but it's ingrained in us to think a certain way..and we don't want to admit or even recognize when we do.

Look at all the reaction to the confederate flag/statue removals last year. We're so concerned about "heritage," but not the reality of what those images stand for or why they were put in place during the civil rights era. We know what we BELIEVE, but that's not necessarily what's TRUE. There’s also a bit of hypocrisy- we’re just fine with people bulldozing Native American sacred grounds to lay a pipeline or a build a new building, but we’re not if we feel it’s “our” history that’s being messed with.

We see people roll their eyes or negate what happened in Charlottesville last year. People can't possibly believe what happened in World War II could EVER happen again, because we know better now. Those of us that are minorities know differently. It can always happen again..and mainly when otherwise good people look a different way.

Why is it when a terrorist act is caused by "radical Islam" it's one thing, but when it's a white "Christian," it's another? Why is it when ISIS kills people, the entire Muslim religion is blamed, but when the Westboro Baptist Church (or "alt-right") does horrifying things we are just supposed to know they don't represent all of Christianity?

People react to discrimination in different ways. Some take it in a quiet silence. Some want to educate. Some get angry and express that anger. Some want to build bridges.

I hear people say, "This is America. If you don't like it, leave." My first response to that is usually quite expletive ridden. This my America, too. I love my country. I love the dream I've always believed it can be. That doesn't mean I blindly follow any one person of any party. That doesn't mean I don't recognize we've done HORRIBLE things to people throughout our history.

Silence at times can be deafening. We’re told we have to remember that not everyone posts on FB. Not everyone comments. Many don't like being "political." That in and of itself, however, is privilege. Many of us are "political" because the same rights that others take for granted are ones we have fought and bled for. We learn to accept the racist, homophobic, transphobic and misogynist things we see online because that's always been a part of life. "That's just talk," or "I'm not going to agree with everything someone says."

So..what's the solution? It's not an easy one. First, we have to admit that we're not perfect. Those of us with privilege tend to live in a bubble of it and have no comprehension of being outside of it. We tend to only want to reinforce our vision of the world.

We desperately want normalcy..a belief that the world is a good place and that all bad times will pass, so we ignore all we can or at minimum limit access to the contrary.

Second, we should listen to others' experiences and try to understand, even if we don't agree. There’s a significant difference between ignorance and HATE. Ignorance can be overcome through education, love and understanding. Hate needs to be contained. We’re not going to know which is in a person’s heart until we listen.

Third, if someone grows and changes their viewpoint, they should be welcomed, not shunned for the time they were wrong.

Hopefully we can all start to stop marginalizing each other. Perhaps we can start understanding more of what we have in common while also being able to embrace differences that don't hurt ourselves or others.

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

NCAA Men’s Tournament Vs. Women’s Tournament: Who Ya Got?

Both the men’s and women’s NCAA college basketball tournaments concluded this week. They were a celebration of everything we love about college athletics—entertainment through unpaid labor, gambling on schools you couldn’t find on a map, and cursing teenagers that have blown up your bracket.

This was March (and April, I guess).

In what has become a yearly tradition like no other, people spent the past month arguing about which tournament is better. On one side, there’s ESPN’s Darren Rovell offering insightful commentary like “this is bad for women’s basketball” and on the other side, there’s… well, it doesn’t matter. A good rule of thumb is never find yourself on the same side as Darren Rovell, no matter the topic.

Luckily for you, I am here to break down both tournaments objectively to determine which tournament was better. Let’s look at each tournament’s highlights, lowlights, and everything in between to see if the men or women will have bragging rights.

BEST 1 VS. 16 STORY

Men: No. 16 University of Maryland-Baltimore County not only defeated top-seeded Virginia, the Retrievers destroyed the Cavaliers 74-54

We waited decades for a No. 16 to upset a No. 1 on the men’s side and somehow this felt anticlimactic. It was over with about 10 minutes to go, which took the air out of a historic night. And if a No. 1 was to lose in the first round, wasn’t it always destined to be Virginia, a team that always seems to be ranked high despite it feeling like an accomplishment when it breaks 70 points? It’s like when Sean Bean turns out to be the bad guy in a movie. You’re like, “Ohhhh, right, I should have seen that coming.”

Women: No. 1 UConn obliterates No. 16 St. Francis (Pa.) 140-52, the second-biggest blowout in women’s tournament history

Here’s where the wet-headed press release rewriter comes in. Rovell took a screenshot of the final score and wondered if this was bad for the women’s game. You sort of understand his point—if UConn is just rolling teams until the Final Four, what’s the point of watching? While you get from where that thought originates, you would realize it’s also a stupid point if you give it just an extra five seconds to roll around your brand-addled brain.

You know why UConn smashing a school to smithereens is good? For the same reason Golden State demolishing teams on the way to 70-plus win seasons is good: it gets people talking and thinking about your game. I’d say it’s more likely people will watch if they know a bringer of destruction is playing a sport; golf was never more popular than when Tiger Woods was destroying the field every weekend. If UConn beats St. Francis by 20 or 30, nobody cares. Any college basketball team dropping 140 points is great for college basketball, because holy shit, they scored 140 points!

Another way you know this is a bad argument is if a men’s team won by the same score, nobody would wonder if it was bad for men’s college basketball. If Kansas beats Holy Cross 155-60, nobody is writing think pieces about how it’s bad for the men’s game.

ADVANTAGE: Men’s basketball

While beating a team by 88 points is great, UConn beat Baylor by 89 points last year (and women’s college basketball somehow survived) so it’s not like UConn broke new ground. A 16 beating a 1 for the first time on the men’s side is historic and it’s fun as hell that it happened to an ACC team we all dislike (it should have been you, Duke).

BEST CHAMPIONSHIP GAME START TIME

Men: 9:20 PM ET

Fuck off, man.

Women: 6:07 PM ET

God bless you.

ADVANTAGE: Women’s basketball

All Stanley Cup Final games start at 8 PM ET, which is the perfect compromise between coasts. If you genuinely care about hockey, you will find your way in front of a TV by puck drop on the left coast. It’s bad enough people in the Pacific time zone have better start times for NFL Sundays and superior weather year-round, but you’re going to make us East Coasters wait until 9 m-effing 20 to watch the men’s final? Eat shit, California!

Arike Ogunbowale hit her buzzer-beater at about 8:10 PM. ET, right around the time Bill Raftery was waking up from his pregame nap Monday. Sports always want to “grow the game” and I’d say starting a game when a good chunk of the country’s children are asleep does not help. Let’s stop kowtowing to California! Begin games at 8 PM!

BEST CINDERELLA STORY

Men: No. 11 Loyola-Chicago reached the Final Four and gave Michigan a game before succumbing in the second half

Did anyone write anything about this team? There was an old lady in a wheelchair, too, I think. I never caught her name but she loved the team.

Women: No. 11 seeds Buffalo and Central Michigan reached the Sweet 16 before losing to higher-seeded teams

The Final Four was all 1 seeds and the lowest-seeded team in the Elite Eight was No. 6 Oregon State.

ADVANTAGE: Men’s basketball

You’re not beating an 11 seed reaching the Final Four. I was as sick of Sister Jean as the next person pretending they weren’t sick of three weeks of Sister Jean but you’re not going to top that story for a long time.

BEST FORMAT

Men: Two 20-minute halves

I never realized how garbage this format was until I watched the women’s games (the NIT also uses the four-quarter format). A TV timeout every four minutes sucks and sometimes you need to see a better option to understand how the option you’ve always seen sucks. So, now I know: this format sucks.

Women: Four ten-minute quarters

The men’s game has media timeouts at under 16, 12, eight, and four minutes; the women go to the commercial with under five minutes to go each quarter and at the end of the first and third quarters, so you get fewer stoppages. Again, stop and think about how crazy it is that men’s college basketball stops every four minutes, and that’s without either team calling a timeout.

The women went to this format in 2015, and I say this as someone that doesn’t watch much women’s college basketball, that extra minute and one fewer break makes a world of difference.

ADVANTAGE: Women’s basketball

I feel like I already explained myself above. I don’t care about the difference in how fouls are treated—it’s a one-and-one when a team hits seven fouls and two shots at ten fouls in the men’s game while the women’s game has teams shoot two shots once there are five fouls in a quarter—but the switch to four quarters was designed to improve game flow. It does.

BEST CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

Men: I fell asleep at halftime but I think Villanova beat Michigan

Once the Italian guy started hitting 30-foot threes late in the first half, you knew this was over. This was like when Gerry McNamara hit all those three in the first half for Syracuse in the 2003 championship game against Kansas, only Kansas actually closed the gap in the second half.

Women: Arike Ogunbowale hit a last-second, fade away three-pointer to lift Notre Dame over Mississippi State, two days after she hit a last-second shot in overtime to knock out UConn

Not only did the game end before most cities’ streetlights warmed up, it ended in insanely great fashion. I must’ve missed the Rovell tweet that wondered if these endings were good for women’s college basketball (for real though, I may have missed them because Rovell has me blocked, but I’ll assume he ignored it and tweeted some shit about Marlins Man’s brand value).

ADVANTAGE: Women’s basketball

It’s not even close.

BEST TOURNAMENT

ADVANTAGE: NONE!

There is nothing wrong with liking or not liking a sport. But if you don’t like a sport, you don’t have to be a dick about it. Or, better yet, if you don’t like a sport, that’s fine, but it doesn’t have to always be a comparison. I hate soccer and will make jokes about soccer but I don’t need to proclaim that another sport is better than soccer whenever someone mentions soccer. I will instead make fun of Americans that set an alarm on a weekend for the purpose of waking up at sunrise to watch Figgy Pudding United tussle with Bangers And Mash FC because you decided a year ago to be a Figgy Pudding supporter.

There are cool aspects to the men’s game that don’t exist in the women’s game and vice versa, much the way there are cool aspects that exist in one sport and not in other sports. Not everything must be a pissing a contest or a comparison. Yeah, men will give you more dunks but they will also give you more brick-ass jumpers.

Enjoying both is allowed! Enjoying both to different degrees is allowed! And if you’re still beating the “Women’s sports are boring” drum after watching Notre Dame’s Final Four run, and the relative snoozefest that was Villanova’s Final Four run, you are 100 percent full of shit. Open your mind to the possibility of other sports being good and you will have more fun as a fan. Consider it next March.

NCAA Men’s Tournament Vs. Women’s Tournament: Who Ya Got? syndicated from https://australiahoverboards.wordpress.com

[flauntpage]

NCAA Men's Tournament Vs. Women's Tournament: Who Ya Got?

Both the men’s and women’s NCAA college basketball tournaments concluded this week. They were a celebration of everything we love about college athletics—entertainment through unpaid labor, gambling on schools you couldn’t find on a map, and cursing teenagers that have blown up your bracket.

This was March (and April, I guess).

In what has become a yearly tradition like no other, people spent the past month arguing about which tournament is better. On one side, there’s ESPN’s Darren Rovell offering insightful commentary like “this is bad for women’s basketball” and on the other side, there’s... well, it doesn’t matter. A good rule of thumb is never find yourself on the same side as Darren Rovell, no matter the topic.

Luckily for you, I am here to break down both tournaments objectively to determine which tournament was better. Let’s look at each tournament’s highlights, lowlights, and everything in between to see if the men or women will have bragging rights.

BEST 1 VS. 16 STORY

Men: No. 16 University of Maryland-Baltimore County not only defeated top-seeded Virginia, the Retrievers destroyed the Cavaliers 74-54

We waited decades for a No. 16 to upset a No. 1 on the men’s side and somehow this felt anticlimactic. It was over with about 10 minutes to go, which took the air out of a historic night. And if a No. 1 was to lose in the first round, wasn’t it always destined to be Virginia, a team that always seems to be ranked high despite it feeling like an accomplishment when it breaks 70 points? It’s like when Sean Bean turns out to be the bad guy in a movie. You’re like, “Ohhhh, right, I should have seen that coming.”

Women: No. 1 UConn obliterates No. 16 St. Francis (Pa.) 140-52, the second-biggest blowout in women’s tournament history

Here’s where the wet-headed press release rewriter comes in. Rovell took a screenshot of the final score and wondered if this was bad for the women’s game. You sort of understand his point—if UConn is just rolling teams until the Final Four, what’s the point of watching? While you get from where that thought originates, you would realize it’s also a stupid point if you give it just an extra five seconds to roll around your brand-addled brain.

You know why UConn smashing a school to smithereens is good? For the same reason Golden State demolishing teams on the way to 70-plus win seasons is good: it gets people talking and thinking about your game. I’d say it’s more likely people will watch if they know a bringer of destruction is playing a sport; golf was never more popular than when Tiger Woods was destroying the field every weekend. If UConn beats St. Francis by 20 or 30, nobody cares. Any college basketball team dropping 140 points is great for college basketball, because holy shit, they scored 140 points!

Another way you know this is a bad argument is if a men’s team won by the same score, nobody would wonder if it was bad for men’s college basketball. If Kansas beats Holy Cross 155-60, nobody is writing think pieces about how it’s bad for the men’s game.

ADVANTAGE: Men’s basketball

While beating a team by 88 points is great, UConn beat Baylor by 89 points last year (and women’s college basketball somehow survived) so it’s not like UConn broke new ground. A 16 beating a 1 for the first time on the men’s side is historic and it’s fun as hell that it happened to an ACC team we all dislike (it should have been you, Duke).

BEST CHAMPIONSHIP GAME START TIME

Men: 9:20 PM ET

Fuck off, man.

Women: 6:07 PM ET

God bless you.

ADVANTAGE: Women’s basketball

All Stanley Cup Final games start at 8 PM ET, which is the perfect compromise between coasts. If you genuinely care about hockey, you will find your way in front of a TV by puck drop on the left coast. It’s bad enough people in the Pacific time zone have better start times for NFL Sundays and superior weather year-round, but you’re going to make us East Coasters wait until 9 m-effing 20 to watch the men’s final? Eat shit, California!

Arike Ogunbowale hit her buzzer-beater at about 8:10 PM. ET, right around the time Bill Raftery was waking up from his pregame nap Monday. Sports always want to “grow the game” and I’d say starting a game when a good chunk of the country’s children are asleep does not help. Let’s stop kowtowing to California! Begin games at 8 PM!

BEST CINDERELLA STORY

Men: No. 11 Loyola-Chicago reached the Final Four and gave Michigan a game before succumbing in the second half

Did anyone write anything about this team? There was an old lady in a wheelchair, too, I think. I never caught her name but she loved the team.

Women: No. 11 seeds Buffalo and Central Michigan reached the Sweet 16 before losing to higher-seeded teams

The Final Four was all 1 seeds and the lowest-seeded team in the Elite Eight was No. 6 Oregon State.

ADVANTAGE: Men’s basketball

You’re not beating an 11 seed reaching the Final Four. I was as sick of Sister Jean as the next person pretending they weren’t sick of three weeks of Sister Jean but you’re not going to top that story for a long time.

BEST FORMAT

Men: Two 20-minute halves

I never realized how garbage this format was until I watched the women’s games (the NIT also uses the four-quarter format). A TV timeout every four minutes sucks and sometimes you need to see a better option to understand how the option you’ve always seen sucks. So, now I know: this format sucks.

Women: Four ten-minute quarters

The men’s game has media timeouts at under 16, 12, eight, and four minutes; the women go to the commercial with under five minutes to go each quarter and at the end of the first and third quarters, so you get fewer stoppages. Again, stop and think about how crazy it is that men’s college basketball stops every four minutes, and that’s without either team calling a timeout.

The women went to this format in 2015, and I say this as someone that doesn’t watch much women’s college basketball, that extra minute and one fewer break makes a world of difference.

ADVANTAGE: Women’s basketball

I feel like I already explained myself above. I don't care about the difference in how fouls are treated—it’s a one-and-one when a team hits seven fouls and two shots at ten fouls in the men’s game while the women’s game has teams shoot two shots once there are five fouls in a quarter—but the switch to four quarters was designed to improve game flow. It does.

BEST CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

Men: I fell asleep at halftime but I think Villanova beat Michigan

Once the Italian guy started hitting 30-foot threes late in the first half, you knew this was over. This was like when Gerry McNamara hit all those three in the first half for Syracuse in the 2003 championship game against Kansas, only Kansas actually closed the gap in the second half.

Women: Arike Ogunbowale hit a last-second, fade away three-pointer to lift Notre Dame over Mississippi State, two days after she hit a last-second shot in overtime to knock out UConn

Not only did the game end before most cities’ streetlights warmed up, it ended in insanely great fashion. I must’ve missed the Rovell tweet that wondered if these endings were good for women’s college basketball (for real though, I may have missed them because Rovell has me blocked, but I’ll assume he ignored it and tweeted some shit about Marlins Man’s brand value).

ADVANTAGE: Women’s basketball

It’s not even close.

BEST TOURNAMENT

ADVANTAGE: NONE!

There is nothing wrong with liking or not liking a sport. But if you don’t like a sport, you don’t have to be a dick about it. Or, better yet, if you don’t like a sport, that’s fine, but it doesn’t have to always be a comparison. I hate soccer and will make jokes about soccer but I don’t need to proclaim that another sport is better than soccer whenever someone mentions soccer. I will instead make fun of Americans that set an alarm on a weekend for the purpose of waking up at sunrise to watch Figgy Pudding United tussle with Bangers And Mash FC because you decided a year ago to be a Figgy Pudding supporter.

There are cool aspects to the men’s game that don’t exist in the women’s game and vice versa, much the way there are cool aspects that exist in one sport and not in other sports. Not everything must be a pissing a contest or a comparison. Yeah, men will give you more dunks but they will also give you more brick-ass jumpers.

Enjoying both is allowed! Enjoying both to different degrees is allowed! And if you're still beating the "Women's sports are boring" drum after watching Notre Dame's Final Four run, and the relative snoozefest that was Villanova's Final Four run, you are 100 percent full of shit. Open your mind to the possibility of other sports being good and you will have more fun as a fan. Consider it next March.

NCAA Men's Tournament Vs. Women's Tournament: Who Ya Got? published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[aquotidianoddity]

Hey! I was scrolling through the Helsinki tag and saw your most recent answered ask. I'm a uni student in the US and want to apply for a Masters at Helsinki (I have Finnish friends there who can help me), and their course requirements just to be considered as an applicant seem super strict. Based off your post I'm assuming that you're not at Helsinki, but I was wondering if you knew much about the application/selection process as a US student and can expand a bit on it? Kiitos :D

Hi there! I’m happy to be of help. I’ll post this publicly in case anyone else has a similar question, but let me know if you’d like me to take it down and send it private…I’m not a popular blog, so it shouldn’t spread around too quickly or at all.

Of course, everything I say may be different depending on the specifics of the degree you’re interested in and whether it’s an “international” or “non-international” degree. Seems like you’re already checking up on your program specifics, so hopefully I can give you a general foundation to build off of, and you can fill in the rest with your personal situation.

First of all: DEADLINES MATTER. Ironically, when you’re a student turning in an assignment or taking a test they pretty much don’t, but anything official like this is no joke. I discovered the MA I originally wanted to pursue three days after the deadline and emailed them asking if I could still apply, assuming the answer would be yes like it normally is in the states. Not the case…apparently the first step of applications is handled by the state and centralized in some office in Helsinki. Once it gets past that stage, things get more flexible, as the admins in the universities don’t care as much, but to be safe, know your deadlines.

Second most important thing: all throughout the application process, both on the state websites and university websites, I noticed that the information on the Finnish version and on the English version was sometimes different. If you’re applying to a program specifically advertised or targeted toward international students, this shouldn’t be a problem. However, I applied to a “non-international” program, and administration generally assumes that only Finns will apply to these programs, so I often had to read each web page twice, once in each language, and synthesize the information personally. If it sounds like this may apply to you, you could ask your Finnish friends for help.

In terms of the application process: in Finland you apply to specific programs, rather than to the universities (much like you would for an MA in the US anyway). However, there is only one centralized application for ALL programs. On the application you put your personal information, educational history etc, and then you rank all of the programs you’re interested in. The order you list them in DOES matter. It’s a huge numbers game, but essentially they do their number-magic about who’s most qualified and how many spots there are available and then out of whichever programs want you, you are offered a spot ONLY in the program you ranked highest. You will not be offered a spot in all of the programs you are qualified for or in all of the programs that would like you to attend. You will not be given a chance to choose between the different programs that want you…ranking them on your application is your only chance. Of course, if you’re only applying to the one program, then all that doesn’t really matter.

You said that the course requirements seemed strict. I assume you’re not sure if you’ve taken the right courses or somehow you’re not sure if you qualify? My suggestion would be to find the program coordinator in the directory and email them your questions. Actually, I would suggest you do that anyway…make up some questions…introduce yourself…get in contact in some way or another with them. I wouldn’t email the department secretary, as in my experience they aren’t as well-versed in the ins and outs of the program and are often really busy with a lot of the most stressful administrative tasks that fall on their shoulders. The program coordinator/advisers/whatever-they’re-called are typically also professors in the program. The general student-teacher relationship in Finland is flipped from how it is in the US: professors often feel an obligation to go out of their way to accommodate, please, impress, or generally help the students with anything they need (within reason). Of course, every individual is different, but if you’re not unlucky then the person you contact may have some useful hints, tips, or insider knowledge of their own university to give you. I ended up emailing my coordinator about 27 times and he was such a big help.

Whether or not you can be accepted to a program without the proper qualifications is another question, and it really depends on the program itself. Departments/programs in Finland are given funding depending on how many students they have, and they are given extra funding depending on how much coursework those students take (It’s possible to move at a snail’s pace in school, so the cutoff for the extra funding is even less than a full-time enrollment–no worries that you’ll be pressured into overworking yourself). If your program has less applicants than open spots, they will be more likely to consider you if you do not have the proper background or experience. If there are more applicants than study spots, your chances will go down. I believe there’s no longer an application fee? But at any rate, if it won’t cost you too much to send in all the application materials, you might as well apply and see what happens. Of course, your application still needs to be quality (good grades, all the required materials, good recommendations if required, etc.).

Some other random stuff:

An application to an MA program typically requires you to send a copy of your Bachelor’s degree (usually this is sent directly to the university and not the centralized application office and often has a much later deadline). They don’t really understand or care that due to university processes in other countries (i.e. the USA), we don’t have access to that for several months after graduating. There is often an exception for students from the USA that if your transcript specifically states certain degree information, then it can be accepted in lieu of the actual diploma itself (see: http://universityadmissions.fi/?page_id=24#USA). You should:

1. confirm with the institution you are applying to that they will accept a transcript with the degree information in place of the diploma itself, 2. confirm with your current institution’s registrar office that your transcript will contain the required degree information after you graduate, and 3. check with the registar’s office (or possibly your academic adviser depending on your university’s policies) when the degree information will be posted to your transcript. If the information isn’t posted in time, ask if it can be expedited somehow. My university wouldn’t rush the printing of my diploma (and were quite rude to me when I asked), but it wasn’t a problem for them to get my degree information posted within a week after final grades posted (this was something my academic adviser had to do, so check with whatever equivalent your uni has in addition to the registrar’s office).

Lucky for you, all application material may be submitted in either Finnish, Swedish, or English, so you won’t have to get anything translated. Unlucky for you, programs starting August 2017 and later now charge tuition fees for non-EU students. However, these are often much cheaper than US programs (my two-year MA apparently costs 8,000eur in total) and there’s likely to be scholarships to apply for (not sure how they work because I don’t have to pay). The dollar is actually quite strong against the Euro right now (1USD == 0.95EUR).

When will you find out if you were accepted to the program? If you’re applying to an “international” program it will likely tell you a date by which you’ll find out if you’re accepted or not. If you’re applying to a “non-international” program then all results are announced on July 1st…this will put you into a bit of a crunch trying to get all of the immigration stuff together and may be annoying if you want to consider any other opportunity that will likely require you to accept or decline before July 1st. Luckily I had no other prospects in life, so I had no trouble waiting.

If accepted, you will be required to get a residence permit (when you’re communicating with the embassy, don’t call it a visa. if you do, they’ll have no idea wtf you’re talking about.). When I applied in July of 2016 the only two places you could apply were the embassy in DC and the consulate in LA, so hopefully you don’t live in Kansas or something. It costs ~300eur. I was confused about the passport photo because there are a lot of strict requirements for how it should be taken, but the embassy just told me to go to CVS and get a normal US passport photo, just be sure not to smile at all.

You also have to purchase insurance. The immigration website suggests a particular company to use, and I used it…costs again about 300eur for an entire year. As a two-year student, you exist somewhere in this gray area of permanent and not permanent. You qualify for free health care through student health services and for some public health services. The insurance is to cover whatever else the public health services won’t cover.

99% of people here speak English, so that’s not a problem signs/automated announcements are usually in Finnish, Swedish, and English. If you don’t have US citizenship or you have dual-citizenship, you may check any sort of requirements or benefits your other citizenship will grant you. If English is not your native language, check the language examination requirements…however, a degree from a high school or university in an English-speaking country is usually enough to exempt you.

Some useful links:

https://studyinfo.fi/wp2/en/: this is the website for the universal application (called opintopolku Finnish). Here you’ll find information about applying to universities in Finland and you can search for programs and read about their requirements. You will also apply on this website. Unfortunately, you cannot create a My Studyinfo account (Oma- Opintopolku) without a Finnish bank account, Finnish phone number certification, or Finnish electronic certification card. However, you can apply without registering so long as you have an email address.

http://universityadmissions.fi/: this website has a lot of information about submitting application materials and what sort of documents are required from students from different countries. Of course, the advertisement for your program is the #1 source for information on what is required and how it should be submitted.

https://www.helsinki.fi/en/studying/how-to-apply: you may have seen this already…I didn’t use it because I go to the University of Eastern Finland, but it may have useful information. At the very least I see a link to a page about scholarships at the bottom…

Other websites where you may find help or information on programs, scholarships, or migrating:

http://cimo.fi/frontpage

http://www.studyinfinland.fi/

That’s all I can think of at the moment. If there’s anything that was unclear or another specific question that comes to your mind, feel free to ask!