#but if we change again im going to have to have a dr appointment like every 2 weeks for 6 months. who has that money

[maedaeme]

Oversharing Moment TM but my focus + memory issues have gotten w o r s e but i just found out my insurance ISN'T dropping my doctor so. drumroll. time to suffer thru like the 4th med change i guess

[carrickbender]

Sunday 7-

I had 2 drs appointments on Friday, one of which was a CT that was supposed to help figure out why I have so much pain in my right testicle(TMI). It saw nothing, so now we get to keep guessing. Boss told me to "take weekend off", but was doing the morning orders/teams call every day between 5-7, trying to fix stuff and do reconciliations. Glad they trust me with this, but wanna give a 'high five' to my imposter syndrome telling me im gonna get fired any day.

- had to take Henry to urgent care on Saturday, and it turns out he has the start of pneumonia. Wanna give a big shout out to the ARNP who told me she really thought he should just 'ride it out' after 10 days of awful coughing and that their kids 'were still in it after a month'. Yeah, the PA said there was no way he wasn't leaving without antibiotics. Made me feel like an asshole parent... he's on day 2, and already more of himself.

- I went back up there today for me, and I have pretty severe bronchitis. He put me on a different antibiotic, more steroids, refilled my inhaler, and actually listened to me. I mean, I appreciated his care and actual concern. Fun situation: while I was there, a tree fell across the powerlines and tripped off most of town, so they had to go to back-up generators. There was a hall full of people, in a brown out, that the staff were managing like pros. Seriously, we are lucky to have that place.

-after today, I have 4 payments left on my car. 4. I think we will wait till June, and then it's 4 door vehicle time. The lunabug is getting taller, and we want to go see my dad/stepmom in Eastern Wa in something that has space. Everybody and their dog has sent me one of those damn, "interested in a new car loan? It's OK to check your rate, and won't hurt your credit" messages and as soon as my credit union chimes in, I'm sure we'll have something to talk about.

- speaking of something to not talk about, I learned a new term and joined a subredit today called 'dead bedrooms', and yeah, checks out completely. I don't have a therapist yet, so it's not a bad sorce of info or me trying to figure out what I have messed up(apparently, yet again).

- so I had to stop at Walmart(yay for small business destruction by a corporate giant!) for meds/a few groceries and this dingus in an f250 with a WA st license plate celebrating wrestling decided he needed to back into a compact space that was in front of me. He almost hit the first car on the way in(who had to stop and back up), but then he literally backed his 'not a farm truck but a penis extension' into the compact space in front of me, and thanks to me backing up knowing he would have been sticking out if I didn't, he took 3 feet of my spot and his hitch was literally 4 inches from hitting my car. In my space. And that entitled piece of shit didn't even look to see how close he was, he just walked away like he was the king of backing up. Look, I have no problem with wrestlers, but the only one who matters in my life is John Irving, and I think he would have been sensitive enough not to be a shit bird like that! (Part 1 of 2 rant)

- I wanted to share a thought or 2 about something I've seen going about on here for a little bit, because I think i need to say avfew things:

I love that I have so many people I follow here who take stances for the poor, marginalized, POC, and other underrepresented communities-not just in a perfunctory way of saying 'I support you'; but quite a few of you are actually involved in helping bring about change and strengthening communities by being unselfish hands that help heal hearts- you inspire me to be a better person, really. As a person of faith, I see you doing the work that many faith leaders of old spoke of when they talked of when they said, "serve as you have been served, and love as you have been loved"- and seeing that faith in action, it has made me read more about liberation theology and revisit the works of the Rt Rev Bishop Desmond Tutu, Dietrich Bonhoffer, and Dr Martin Luther King jr(and of the later, 'Why I oppose the war in Vietnam' is just as relevant now as it was then). I thank you all for this inspiration and work.

But what I have really come to realize about myself is that I am a person of privilege. I am a white CISmale, straight, accessed a good education at a young age, had a huge extended family that helped raise me when my mom had me at 17, have never had to worry about my gender causing me to be looked at differently, have a good job(for now), have access to clean water, don't live in a food desert, and save for the fact that I understood discrimination at a very young age thanks to my last name, I know that I have lived a mostly privileged life.

But there is one privilege I will never take for granted, and that's voting. And yes, I don't always vote my conscience because at heart, I am a democratic Socialist. But I always vote in my local and state house election because it is in places like your local school board or your city council where you can stop the spread of groups like 'Moms for Liberty' or any of the other neo-fascist organizations that seek to change education or change for the worse how cities deal with their population experiencing homelessness. If I stay home from these elections, I feel like I'm spitting on my great grandmother's grave(whose name I found on the voting roll of the first year that women could vote in Basin, Montana). I feel like I'm not being a good parent or a community member for sticking up for my sons right(or other kids rights) to read books in the school library that have a rainbow(let alone letting kids see representation for non-traditional families that are just the same as everybody else!). So please, if you're feeling crappy about the election, this right here is the biggest way to affect change if you don't know where to start or affirm.there is something you can do to really make a difference. Don't see enough representation of POC on your city council, especially in multi-ethnic communities? Hear a trans voice that would make for a great representative for all people? Fill in those boxes, act locally, and get those folks elected! It works if you work it!

I hear a lot of voices talking about Joe Biden these days, and I feel numb and angry about a lot of things that have been done in our names too: I hate HATE what is happening in Gaza(PBUT); I hate our support of Saudi Arabia and the proxy war in Yemen; Our jaunts in Zaire and Jordan; I hate that we are no closer to universal Healthcare, but I understand that that road and others lead through a Republican congress. I love that child poverty is declining, but programmes that were designed to make this a reality are sunsetting. We have a barbaric and truly archaic policy on immigration, and every time(that's not hyperbole, either), every goddamn time a good bill has been proposed to deal with the issue, the bill has been met by the xenophobic forces on the right and their deep pockets fueling the media and it is destroyed out of fear. And let's not forget student debt forgiveness, the continued dismantling of public education by states like Texas and Florida, Our goal of dismantling of the prison industrial complex, the protection of reproductive healthcare, and the dire need for nationwide police reform.

Yes, our laundry list is long, but it is full of necessary things that need to change or be codified in order for a great change to happen for generations and the continuatonof this great experiment called the U.S.A.

And for all of this and more, I ask: where are the leaders of our generation on this? Where are the ghosts of John Lewis, of Paul Wellstone, and of Shirley Chisholm? Thankfully, our leaders and the ghostsbof their forebearers are there- they are doing their best, and thankfully we(those of us on the progressive side) are represented by POC women who will go to the mat for these issues and more, being inspired by those who came before them. But the more that I think about it, it's time that we offer an ultimatum: we'll give you our voting block, Joe. We'll help bring along the majority of the 9 million new voters who are coming of age this year, so you will have a supermajority with which you can put forth truly transformative legislation. Sure, you'll get us- for now. But if it's businesses as usual, if we are not knocking over the tables of the money changers, and if we are not investing more in programmes of social uplift than we are for the military industrial complex, then we strike. Not in 2028, as one of my absolute favourite people on here suggest, but in 2026, in early summer. Because it is people like me, those of us who have know privilege and continue to know it, who are finally waking up to the truth that we need to do the work. We need to do the heavy lifting. I'm willing to make that offer, and I hope I'm not alone, because there either needs to be a change in the way our political system operates, or we walk away and start our own political entity. I hope I'm not alone in the way I feel, and I hope that we can all make the proposition. We have the leaders, we have the people, now it's about courage. It's time.

But for today, if you can pull the lever for democrats nationally, I totally get it. But consider what I said about voting locally, and in local races and elect people who represent your values. It matters.

- ok, rant over: if you made it this far, know that I love you all and I hope this week brings good things for you. Remember what Pete Seeger always said: "Take it easy, but take it". Much love yall!

[mendely]

Could u tell more about the story of Fantastic Priests plsss? :3 ( specially about Esdras and Saturno) Im invested. Also , are you planning tô make a comic or novel about em in the future ?

WHAAAAAAAAG I finally got the time to sit down at my computer and type something out, so sorry for the late reply anon o(-<

Okay so the TL;DR is it's my concept for a crime-drama-thriller-thing movie or series set in an alternate history 1880s London, where local priest Esdras gets caught up in the strange murder case of a fellow clergyman that quickly becomes the talk of the town! Esdras doesn't get into it willingly at first though (as much as his curiosity tells him to), since he has been appointed by the archdiocese to provide counsel to the bishop, Saturno - his own boss - on top of his usual priestly duties. Things aren't as straightforward as they seem, though, as he starts to find out that Saturno's got some skeletons in his closet...

Reverend Saturno is a guy who wears many hats (aside from his namesake saturno hat). He's not just an important member of the clergy, he's also a celebrated author of fantasy novellas for young readers. These books taught good Christian values — through the riveting tales of a special magical boy going to an Eton-esque academy for mages! As a young boy, Esdras had been a superfan of the books, and was on cloud nine when he got to meet Saturno after a church service. He asked his idol and future employer: What inspired the story of the mage boy in the books, and how can I become like him and make the world a better place?

To which the priest smiled and said: The stories were inspired by my experiences as a holy man of God - the mages are, in fact, representations of us priests.

But of course, as years passed, times changed - the average citizen grew more aware of social injustices, minority peoples were gaining more prominence in society, international influences were making waves through Britain, technology was rapidly advancing, et cetera - and Saturno grew increasingly fearful of this change. He started to turn bitter, paranoid, and volatile, retreating further and further away from society to spend time in prayer and contemplation and God knows what else.

And we now return the story beat outlined in the start of this post - Esdras, as a grown man and an ordained priest, coming face to face with his boyhood idol again - and having to re-evaluate everything he's ever known about Saturno, the books, his faith, and the Church as an institution itself.

Sounds familiar? Yeah, it's basically a glorified pisstake at a certain J. K.

Also to cap off this post I'll add this meme talking about the themes discussed in the story because by golly gosh there's a lot going on and it's too much for one post wawawawawawawawawawawawaw

[spaceoperajay]

so forcing myself to cook home meals for a week turned out the be pretty successful in changing my habits. not cooking a home cooked meal every day ofc. but we have some tofu scramble for breakfast we meal-prepped. still eating frozen foods, like pizza last night, but roasted some veggies when i cooked the pizza. tonight im gonna make tacos with rice,black beans, lettuce, salsa, and the gardein meat crumbles.

the dr said my sodium and triglycerides were high, which was the kick i needed to do this. also

i am behind on regular exercise and finding time to focus on creativity. but i think perfection is impossible while working the 40 hr week and its the striving for it that is important. one must imagine sisyphus happy. my exercise is rigorous cardio for 20 min or going on for a walk with my partner in the evenings, so ill do the latter today. everything is finally clean again so im going to aim for an hour of art time.

ive started bullet journaling. which i tried i college and failed. hoping this will work since i am no longer, to put it mildly, totally batfuck crazy. i need to make a bunch of dr appointments, including a pysch because the sleep meds the gen dr gave only partially work. and i think my poor sleep is the biggest stressor in my life that i can control.

[bulletproof-furniture]

i think my friend doesn’t like me anymore :(

they’re my longest-term friend—i think we hit 14 years of friendship—and i always offered to marry them legally for taxes or insurance needs. we’re a lot older now than we were when we met and we’ve both definitely changed a lot, but i still love them and love hanging out with them

they’ve been going through a real rough time and i’ve been helping them through it as best i can, but i know there isn’t much to do other than be there and be supportive. which i do, because i love them and it hurts me to see them so unhappy

my days off are weird but they work freelance, so usually once of us would be like, “tuesday. chipotle and youtube.” my family would complain lightheartedly because my days were booked in advance with hangouts.

we haven’t been texting much, but that’s not uncommon—sometimes we’ll go weeks with sparse texts—but even then usually we’ll be up for a hang at some point. but now, they’re busy running errands. i know the have dr appointments—again, going through a REALLY hard time—but isn’t that on wednesday? i asked to hang out tuesday…

i’m not pushing them��just said, let me know if you change your mind! but i don’t think they will. i know i’m difficult to be friends with; i’m on the borderline between autistic and ADHD. my hearing is bad, so im often very very loud. i’ll start talking about something out of the blue that no one asked about, just because my brain got me there. i’m always tired and i’m always in pain.

maybe that’s not the vibe they want to be around as they heal. maybe i’m too big and loud for their need of small and quiet. maybe this other friend they made fills their needs better than i can. but what about the time i scheduled off to hang out with both of you?

i don’t feel hurt. i don’t know if this is the persistent and untreatable depression talking, but i guess im not surprised. i wouldn’t want to be my OWN friend—i find people like myself very grating. i don’t want to keep pushing to see them, only to realize really i’ve been pushing them away.

ugh. crying makes my eyes burn. who knew a broken heart could be so painful?

[dawnowar]

Spending my Xmas days off cleaning the house

Went to get my annual eye exam today before the end of the year and my prescription hasn't changed which is cool because i have roughly 50 pairs of glasses now and I don't want to have to start over. Makes me want to buy more even though i clearly do not need more but that never stopped me before.

I was going to take myself out for chicken wings so i asked where the best ones are and then went there. It was a sports bar with a big "seat yourself" sign, so I did and promptly got completely ignored by everyone who works there. As i sat on the uncomfortable chair waiting for no one to take my order I noticed how much i hate this place and the crowd that came with it and the many blaring TV with football games on it, so I left and ordered wings from Sheetz from my phone in the parking lot which were ready in the time it took me to drive there and pick them up.

Ate wings with my cats on my comfy sofa in my own time which made me much happier. Got a good shake too for less money than it would have cost me at the sports bar and then i would have had to tip the waitress for giving me shitty service on top of it.

Yeah i know its Christmas Eve Day and a Sunday at that and maybe its not the best day/time to happen into a sports bar that's one of the places staying open for people to drink at on Xmas Eve but whatever. I had a shitty experience and I'm not sorry for leaving.

I'm doing laundry including all the various holiday themed outfits so i can put them away and the bedding and anything I've been meaning to wash and not getting to. I decluttered a lot of the living room and i have intentions of decluttering the bathroom and cleaning the kitchen before the holiday is over.

I have a frozen lasagne for dinner tonight and some texas toast. It's not a typical tradition but it's mine.

I've been sick for a couple of months. All normal stuff just one sickness after another. I havent been well for more than a few days before i get the next thing and i'm so ready to be well again but I didn't go out to the before-christmas parties and I guess im glad because it seems everyone got covid at a thing I skipped so I stopped feeling bad about not going out now I'm well enough to go out again.

In fact ive been collecting clothes and makeup and such. Online shopping while I've been sick for my return to going out again and i just havent gone out again. But its winter now and I ate too much between being sick and inactive and the holidays, i need to diet and exercise again for a bit i think before i get in some of these clothes.

I am expecting to go out for New Years Eve. I like to drink some champagne with strangers in a fancy dress for that holiday.

I have an idea where im going but i dont know what i will wear. But I have choices which is awesome.

I've been taking an estrogen/progesterone cream because I was having hot flashes due to menopause that was waking me up every hour and i was so tired from not being able to sleep properly.

This stuff had me sleeping great right away so I was totally into it but now I'm sleepy all the time even when I don't do anything and I'm cutting the dosage in half hoping that makes some difference.

Not sure what it'll do but im trying it now and not when i need to be at work all day in the morning in case I can't sleep. Last night i did the first half dose and I woke up hungry in the middle of the night but i didn't wake up with a hot flash so it was inconclusive.

I don't miss the hot flashes and I'm sure i'd rather be overtired from estrogen than sleep-deprived from lack of estrogen but hoping to find a happy medium where im not tired all the time.

I dont care a thing about Christmas but im happy to have these days off. We should get a bunch of days off every two or three months just because imho.

To catch up on what you need to catch up on and do Drs appointments and service your car and shit.

I pretty much gave up on 2023 a few weeks ago when I realized I basically wasnt going to be well enough to do any of the fun holiday stuff and I may as well just stay home and clean. I'm fine with all this. It needs to be done and the more I do the more I start to feel like I'm reclaiming my life as I am reclaiming my house.

So its time to fold and put away the laundry in the dryer and rotate in another load.

Happy Holidays.

[indigo474]

May 25th 2023- a little bit better than i use to be-

so much so much so much- i really should write more. i read a news story today about kids being neglected and abused. why are people so horrible? those poor babies- it makes me sad. exactly why i don't watch the news. i had someone in work tell me "they " are shooting people on 95. Really? I had no idea. she looked at me in disgust and said you really need to be more informed. I don't need to hear and read about what a fucked up world we live in to know what a fucked up world we live in. Being informed makes me sad and scared- 2 things i am trying desperately not to be. Work is going good. it's so much nicer going to work as the boss-so much better. My boss- the Ice Queen, likes me. I can tell and i am grateful. We are going out shopping together for the company picnic. I'm in charge. HA. People dislike me for doing my job. A lot of people are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. they blame me for doing MY job- the truth is- if they did their job- i wouldn't have to do mine. the Ice Queen is MOODY- I'm not sure if she is still drinking- she tends to hide in her office.

I should be getting my check-any day now. i asked MAds if she would mind moving out of our town. she's open to it-as long as we are safe and happy. i don't want to leave this town.. but i have to do what is best for me and if i cant find a place to live-- BUT i keep telling myself that SOMETHING wonderful is going to happen and the PERFECT place will be mine- i have to believe it. whats that saying- whats meant for me is mine- whats meant for me won't pass me by-

James went hard on me tonight. My knee pain is gone- i started taking a supplement- i use to take it and stopped and just started again and it works. i finally mentioned to james that during my cycle its harder to lift. Because it is- there is a huge difference. it wasnt weird to him. yeah its true- but we cant use that as an excuse- his words. tonight he upped everything-benched 105. i'm going to be sore tomorrow, i only squatted 175 this week. i need to get my ass into the gym and do my workout over the weekend. James shared a lot about himself tonight. he paid off his student loans, is getting a new car- not sure what kind- skipped a vacation with his buddies to Puerto rico because he lost 1200 on a bet- he even got out the dry erase marker and drew me pictures so i could understand what he was talking about. UFC and basketball- from what he said, and drew - it was just unbelievable how he lost the bets and he thinks its the universe telling him he shouldn't bet. he said it made him sick. he's a good person. i can tell. Kika was tired tonight- she didnt even bark when i walked up. she's such a good girl. we played a little.

my friend in work-the one who i think is on drugs and never talks about her husband. she told me her husband is dumb and useless. she's always saying she would be fine if she only had some xanax. dont say it dont say it. for months he same thing- i would be fine if i had xanax- dont fucking say it. if i had xanax i would be fine---- i know a dr. she use to see him, she called that afternoon and got herself an appointment. today she comes in and is talking so fast- too fast. i use the term friend loosely. this should be interesting- maybe she's right- maybe all she needs is xanax.

i spent all day last saturday watching porn and masturbating. i got myself a new vibrator - its dam near perfect. quiet -

im sure there is soooo much more to write about. i am tired. got my friday shift changed for the summer-every other friday im workiing 9-6. this will work out good- i can still run after work. the ice queen likes me-thank God- the right people like me-its more important i like myself-

[figula]

phoned my dr this morning to inform him (rather than ask permission to) that i am going to experiment w/ different dosage of fluoxetine to see if that helps anything - bc i DID feel a real bump in mood + ability to cope soon after i started the fluox back in dec, hard to say how much of that was situational / placebo / etc but i am perfectly happy to experiment w/ the drugs anyway. (didnt say that last bit)

he was like “ok” and prescribed me a load of it

i like him so much! he just lets me do whatever, if i ask for valium he just gives me it (i didn’t ask for any this time), if i tell him im doing x he’s like “ok” - and we have good chats so it’s not like some kind of medical neglect or anything he just seems to actually listen and trust me on how i feel / think which is SO nice. i told him that my feelings on NHS MH “treatment” has not changed in the past few years and that i am not looking to get any help on that front - all i want is for him to let me manage my own meds as i feel like doing + that’s that. and he agreed w/ everything i said so again that was nice lol. i told him i knew he’d tried over the years to help me out and that i appreciated both his doctoring and his candour and he agreed that he had tried and said if i wanted to send him a message via the practice website to check in rather than going through the appointments rigamarole i can and he sent me the details for that - he asked that i keep him in the loop and i actually like him so much that i probably will lmfao

also emailed tina asking if i can send her some notes prior to next week’s session and she sent a nice email back:

Hi Charlotte,

That's absolutely fine, send over whatever you like (feel free to password the document and text me the password if you want to protect it), and I'll have a look at what's going on.

After that, if you feel like a quick phonecall would help get through the week until next session, I'm more than happy to do that.  Offloading on paper will probably help quite a lot though, from previous experience.

I'll let you know once it's arrived,

Take care,

Tina

so I will send those over later tonight

[lils-writes-stuff]

The Lesson

Spencer Reid x reader

Best Years Season 2 part four | part three | part two | part one | season one

summary: the week that changed everything

warning: normal criminal minds things, angst, sadness, gore, fun stuff

A/N: based on season 8 episode 10; you’re all going to hate me, im sorry, i promise it gets better the is the storm before the rainbow

 The cool Georgia air hit Y/N’s face as she stepped out of her rental car. The scene in front of her seemed so foreign after years of being away. Her childhood home stared her down as she stood in its driveway. She almost didn’t want to go in. Every time she saw her mom, she came to visit her. So the last time she was truly home, was almost six years ago. 

 She walked up to the front door, duffel bag in one hand and the other raised to knock. However, that wasn’t needed, because her mom swung the door open the minute she saw her. 

 “Y/N!” She exclaimed, wrapping her in a tight, motherly hug.

 “Hi Mom,” she whispered, her cheeks squished against her mother’s shoulder. 

 “Come in, come in,” she ushered her daughter into the house. Y/N looked around the home she once called her own. The walls were a lighter color then she remembered and there was new furniture and decorations scattered throughout. 

 “So I have it all planned out, I know you’re only here for a couple of days, but tonight, you’re aunt and uncle are coming over for dinner, along with some of our friends. Them for the other two days we can do whatever you want.” Her mom was standing on the opposite side of the island from Y/N, a smile absorbing her face as she looked at her daughter. 

 Y/N just looked at her mom, a watery smile on her face. She wasn’t upset at all though, she was just so happy to see her mom again. 

 “What’s wrong, sweetie?” Her Mom walked to the other side of the counter. 

 “Nothing, Mom, I just am so glad to see you,” she whimpered. 

 Her mom gave her the same watery smile and wrapped her in another hug. 

 The two sat in the kitchen, coffee cups in hand, laughing about her mom’s stories at her restaurant she worked at. Y/N told stories of the team and how much they loved her mom from her visits up there. 

 “So have you done it yet?” Y/N’s mom asked, pointing to her left hand. 

 “No, not yet.” 

 “Why not?” 

 “I don’t know, I just haven’t found the right time I guess,” Y/N shrugged.

 “Well, I think that when you get back you should just do it.” Her mom laughed taking another sip of her coffee. “You talk about how perfect he is and me and London are waiting in anticipation for that call, so just do it. The next time you see him.” 

 “We’ll see mom, we’ll see.” 

------------

 It had been two days since Y/N had left to go home for a visit. After the night where Spencer gave her the idea, she waited about three weeks before actually executing it. Spencer kept pushing her to go, telling her the team could survive without her. So she finally went. 

 “You know, now I know how you felt when I was gone on your leave,” Spencer laughed during his confession. His phone was pressed against his ear as he passed back and forth in their living room. 

 “Oh yeah, but I learned to survive, how are you holding up?” Y/N asked through the phone. She stood in the kitchen of her childhood home, leaning on the island with her coffee sitting in front of her. “And besides it’s only been like what? Three days?” 

 “Two days twelve hours and thirty-six seconds,” Spencer corrected. 

 “Ah, forgive me. And here I thought you didn’t miss me at all, clearly, you do.” 

 Spencer chuckled at her remark, “So much.”

 “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I miss you too,” Y/N admitted. “And my mom misses you too, she says that we both need to come down here and visit together sometime.” 

 “I think that’d be fun,” Spencer said.  

 “Hey, Spence, so listen I was thinking when I get back we could go out to dinner, you know like a fancy restaurant maybe?” Her voice was hesitant at her request. Her heart pounded in anticipation as she waited for Spencer’s answer. 

 “Sure, that sounds great. Rossi was telling me about this great Italian place yesterday that we could go too,” Spencer responded. His mind raced at the thought of them going, knowing it would be the perfect opportunity to ask her the question he’s been waiting for. 

 “Perfect,” she responded. He could see her do her little jump of excitement through her voice. 

 Spencer was quiet for a second and looked up at the larger than average sized clock in the living room. He was late. Then his phone pinged, pulling it away from his ear, he saw the message from Penelope about a case.

 “Damn it,” he muttered. “Y/N, I’m late and we’ve got a case, I love you, I’ll talk to you later?” He rushed around the apartment, grabbing all his items and go-bag so he could head out the door. 

 “Yeah, sounds good bub love you too,” she responded. 

 “Bye.” 

 Spencer pocketed his phone quickly and rushed for the door of the apartment. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of the black box he left out. Quickly, he picked it up and put it in his satchel. He opened the door and rushed to make it to Quantico in time. 

 “Sorry I’m late, guys, I had an appointment,” Spencer rushed, taking his bag off and sitting in his chair. 

 “Uh-huh, did this appointment have to do with a Dr. Y/N Y/L/N, who you so dearly miss,” Derek teased, making kissy faces at Spencer.

 Spencer muttered a small ‘shut up’ and pulled the file on the table closer to him. 

 “Alright let’s get started,” Hotch said as he quickly entered the room. 

 Maybe I wasn’t as late as I thought, Spencer thought to himself. 

 “Yeah, okay,” Penelope said, standing up from her chair. “Three days ago, Bruce Phillips was found dead with his blond hair dyed black. He had been put in a box and left on a busy street.”

 “A custom-made box,” Rossi noted as the picture of the box came up on the screen. 

 “Maybe our unsub was a carpenter,” Blake posed, twiddling with a pen in her hand. 

 “He stuffed him in there practically folding him in half,” Derek added. 

 Spencer looked at the pictures of the man in the box. His legs bent and broken at the knee and his head leaned back against the box. 

 “He had also been hung and restrained and that’s where the plot thickens like a bad soup,” Penelope explained as she pulled up the next two victims. “Yesterday, Justin Marks and Connie Foster, who were dating, they went missing two miles away from the first abduction site.” 

 “A couple? He’s escalating,” JJ remarked at the new information. 

 “Yes, this morning Justin’s body was found. He had been hung, he had been stuffed in a box in an alley. Officers say his brown hair had been dyed black. Connie is still missing,” Penelope continued. 

 “So he probably still has her,” JJ said. 

 “Why would he reject Justin overnight but keep the first male victim for two days?” Derek asked, not understanding the escalation. 

 “Something about him didn’t work,” Rossi responded, looking up from his file to the TV with the victims. “Look at his neck. He was hung multiple times.” 

 “The question is, what does he do with Connie?” Blake asked.

 “He could make her watch him abuse the men or have asphyxiated sex with them,” Spencer posed a theory. 

 “Well, a brunette male and a woman are crucial to this guy's fantasy,” Derek said. 

 “Well he’s kept Connie, maybe she’s the object of his desire,” JJ said. 

 “Well, our first order of business is finding her and then making sure he doesn’t do this again.” Hotch closed his file and stood up. “Wheels up in thirty.”

----------------

 Spencer sat on the coach of the jet, his head resting on the backside of his hand as his eyes followed the clouds that rolled beneath them. He thought about all the ways the dinner with Y/N could go, his fear of rejection showing itself as he thought about her saying no. But then he thought of her saying yes, a smile shining bright on her face and it allowed some of his anxiety to wash away. 

 Still, he was nervous. Penelope and JJ had tried to reassure him many times that she would say yes, even Blake thought so, but he was still scared. But isn’t everyone when they’re about to propose? 

 “Alright let’s go over victimology,” Hotch said, gaining everyone’s attention.

 Spencer peeled his eyes away from the window and back towards the group. 

 “Both male victims had their hair dyed black, and the woman is a brunette,” Hotch began the topic. 

 “The guys are similar, same ages, same builds,” Blake added. 

 “Hey were also abducted outside their homes, which were all in the same area,” Rossi continued. 

 “So they were probably being stalked,” Derek noted.

 “Was Connie with her boyfriend when she was abducted?” Spencer asked quickly. 

 “It looks that way,” JJ answered, then began to read from the file. “Her purse was found on the ground outside of his house.”

 “So this involves some kind of ruse,” Derek said.

 “It’s difficult to lure most people from the security of their own homes,” Spencer added, not sure about the ruse thing. 

 “Well, some people let their guard down,” Blake countered. 

 For some reason, Spencer started to become very defensive about this. “Yeah, but stalking victims vary their routes home. They enter and exit through different doors, they wear disguises. They don’t talk to anyone in their driveway. They hardly talk to anyone at all, They’re-they’re terrorized.”

 Okay, maybe he shouldn’t have gotten so worked up about that. But he couldn’t help but spew the stuff he had learned about victims of stalking onto everyone. He couldn’t help that instinctive feeling inside of him. 

 The team looked at him, confused and shocked gazes on their faces. They did not expect that outburst from him.

 “Okay, so maybe they were followed, Reid,” Derek said in hopes to have him back down his front he was putting up. “I mean, the bottom line is the unsub escalated. The first male was abducted alone, the second was with his girlfriend.” 

 “We, what do we know about her?” JJ asked, hoping to find some new information to help them. 

 “Connie was in her thirties, baked cakes for a living, she never had a run-in with the law,” Blake answered. 

 “Assuming he kept her, what’s the reason?” Rossi posted the new question. 

 “She’s the necessity, somehow she fits into his fantasy,” Blake replied. 

 “And so far, that need may be what’s keeping her alive,” Hotch added.

 “So what we know is that we have an unsub with a fantasy or a deep desire that requires the man to look a specific way,” Derek said, going over what they so far had. 

 “Since he rejected Justin so quickly, he’s probably looking for a replacement as we speak,” Spencer added.

--------------

 The doors of the elevator opened with a ding as Y/N reached the sixth floor of the FBI academy building. When she stepped out, a hand grasped tight on the strap of her bag, she was met with the familiar smell of coffee and paper. She had made it back earlier that day,the apartment her and Spencer shared empty when she arrived. So, not being able to deal with the quiet again, she decided to head to the office. 

  She was supposed to be in Georgia for another day, but when she heard there was a case, she really couldn’t help but come back. Her mom understood, she would have been leaving in the morning anyway. So before she went to the airport, Y/N visited her brother's grave like she had intended to do. 

 She stood about ten feet away from the headstone, fear of stepping on his body in the ground made her stomach turn. She told him all about her job and how proud she thought he’d be of her. How Derek had become an older brother to her when she moved up there. And she told him about Spencer. All about how she was planning on proposing to him and how excited she was to do it. 

 “Hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow?” Penelope’s question brought Y/N out of her memory. 

 “Oh yeah, but I heard there was a case and I was leaving in the early morning tomorrow so I just decided to catch an earlier flight,” Y/N answered, pulling her lips into a line. 

 “Oh, so you get to hang out with me on this one!” Penelope excitedly took Y/N’s hand and pulled her to her office. 

 “So catch me up to speed,” Y/N said as she sat in the extra swivel chair in Penelope’s office. 

 Penelope explained everything she did to the team before they left and added in the details of what they told her so far on their victimology. With only some of the broader picture told to her, she was able to fill in the rest of the victimology herself.

 “How was Georgia?” Penelope asked after she finished typing on her computer. 

 “It was good, got to hang out with my family, go visit some old friends, wasn’t too exciting,” YN said, her eyes still trained on the tablet in her lap as she looked at the photos of the case. 

 “Cool,” Penelops’s eyes wandered the office. “ So, did you figure out how you’re going to propose to Spencer?” 

 “Ah, so that’s why you’re making small talk,” Y/N laughed, closing the tablet now. “Yes, I have. When they get back from the case, we’re going to go to dinner and I’m going to ask him.” 

 “Oh my gosh, can I be there? No, that’d be weird he’d be suspicious. But I want to see his reaction and you’re reaction and-” 

 “Garcia-” Y/N put her hand up to have her stop rambling- “You will see tons of pictures, and I am sure you are going to convince Rossi to throw some sort of party.” 

 “Good point, Penelope whispered. “I probably will have that done.” 

-----------

 “I’ve been getting lame GSWs, a few bus crash victims, but a hanging? This is fun,” The M.E., Dr. Cross, said to Rossi and Spencer after she brought them over to the body. “You think it was sexual?”

 “Not in the traditional sense,” Rossi responded, slightly weirded out from the woman's excitement. 

 “Well, look-” she pointed to the victim���s body- “there are numerous ligature marks on the neck, indicating he was hung multiple times. The ones without abrasions were probably made by something soft, like fabric.” 

 “Any idea how long it went on for?” Spencer asked, looking up from the victim's body to Cross.

 “Based on the different varying coloration of the bruising, I’d say about twelve hours,” Cross answered, then pointed to another mark on the body. “This ligature mark with the abrasion is the final one.” 

 She moved the light in her hand down the neck of the victim to point out what she found next. “There’s an inverted ‘V’ in the back. He was hung with a leather strap or belt, which is what killed him. Oh, we also found ketamine in his system.”   

 When Cross mentioned the final hanging, Spencer stood up from his hunched position and walked over to the x-rays on the light board. 

 “Well, ketamine acts quickly, so he must have used a ruse to get close to our victim,” Rossi said. 

 “Look at this,” Spencer held up the x-rays, “The bones were perfectly disjointed.”

 “Could have dislocated from the fall after hanging or when he shoved him in the box,” Rossi said, trying to give some ideas as to why they were dislocated. 

 “Well, actually, the bones were dislocated antemortem.,” Cross corrected. Her attention quickly advertised the two men wheeling in the next victim. “Oh,” she gasped excitedly. “Goody, overtime.” 

 “Can you check to see if the bones were dislocated in the same way?” Spencer asked her as she walked over to the next victim.

 She pulled the sheet back on the victim. Her hands reached for his arm to check the dislocation. “Yep, the same way.” She removed her hands from the body then crossed them. “This guy’s sicker than my last girlfriend.” 

 Rossi turned to look at Spencer. “The question is, why is he doing this?”

------------

 Y/N sat with Penelope in her office still, she wasn’t really planning on leaving though, since the rest of the team was away. She held one of Penelope’s many figurines in her hand, this one was a small unicorn that squished. While it was very childish, Y/N couldn’t help but be entranced by the object. 

 “Oh yay, we have a call,” Penelope said as she answered the phone. “Garcia and Wonder woman at your service.” 

 “Can you find anyone in the area that might sell or rent medieval torture equipment?” Hotch asked, getting straight to the point as usual. 

 “Besides a friend of mine in a knitting group?” Penelope asked jokingly.

 “Try S&M suppliers, we’re looking for a stretching rack,” Rossi elaborated. 

 “Spanking the keys as we speak,” Penelope began typing. 

 “Ew,” Y/N said in disgust with Penelope’s phrase.

 “Don’t worry they like it,” Penelope reassured her. “Okay, I have cross-checked stretching equipment with S&M equipment and I found something that stretches something…”

 “I don’t think this is something that we’re looking for,” Y/N said as she looked at the photo. Her head turned at the item in confusion. “How does that even work?” 

 “Maybe he made his own,” Spencer’s voice was heard as he came up with the new idea. 

 “That would be pretty elaborate,” Rossi remarked.

 “Okay, me and Y/N will keep looking, we’ll get back to you soon,” Penelope said, her pen hovering over the hang-up button. 

 “Hang on Garcia,” Hotch stopped her from hanging up. “Y/N when did you get back?” 

 “Couple hours ago sir, I caught an earlier flight home,” Y/N responded. She hoped Hotch wouldn’t say anything about her being back earlier, she knew Spencer would call her later about it though. 

 “Alright, hit us back when you get something.”

 “Will do,” Y/N said and then Penelope hung up. 

-

 “I thought you said she wasn’t coming back until tomorrow?” Hotch looked at Spencer. 

 “I thought so too,” Spencer replied, having no clue that she was home early. 

 “I just went to the latest abductee’s home,” Derek said as he walked up to the three standing in the conference room. “Not only did our unsub use fake blood in some kind of ruse, but the front porch security cameras were also disconnected right before the abduction.”

 “So he cased the site,” Rossi observed from the information Derek had given. 

 “Well, it’s residential streets-- a lot of people coming and going, that’s high-risk behavior,” Derek mentioned.

 “Yeah, the unsub didn’t care. He needed him and it was worth the risk,” Hotch added. 

------------

 Spencer peeled the tissue paper inside the box they found back. It’s light airy pink color contrasted with the dark horror inside. 

 “The box is wrapped this time,” Spencer said as he looked at balled up tissue paper. 

 “What is this, a gift?” Detective Marks asked. 

 Spencer pulled back some of the tissue paper from the top. He pulled back about four pieces before the face of the latest victim was revealed. The man that had been taken the day before. 

 “His natural hair color is black and still he kills him,” Hotch remarked as Spencer pulled more pieces of paper away. “And, look, no neck wounds.” 

 “Then how did he die?” Marks asked. 

 “Maybe he bled out,” Hotch suggested.

 “Or he fell from something,” Spencer argued as he examined the body more. “Look at his hands. He bored holes through the hands that ripped, and then he moved them to the wrist.” 

 “Reid, check the feet,” Hotch ordered, getting a hunch on what it could be. 

 Spencer pulled the victim’s shoe back, seeing the same type of hole. 

 “Stigmata?” Spencer asked as he had a theory forming. 

 “Hanging and then crucifixion,” Hotch explained the meaning of the word for the detective. 

 “So this has to do with religious beliefs,” Marks said. 

 “Maybe he just found a new way to torture them?” Spencer suggested. 

 “And still he’s keeping Connie. Something about her is working,” Hotch said.  

 Spencer’s eyes kept on the body. He went over every detail in his head, comparing it with the other bodies. Then he came up with a hit. 

 “Hotch look-” Spencer pointed to the jeans on the victim- “These are the exact same jeans that victim number two was wearing. Look at the trim.” 

 Spencer reached his hand into the box, pulling on the color of the shirt the victim had on. When he pulled it around enough, he could clearly read the tag. “Bonner Brothers. Is that a local store?” 

 “About five miles, half thrift store, half yuppie mart,” Marks answered.

 “I’ll have JJ and Morgan check it out after we give the profile,” Hotch said. 

------------

 “Okay, so we’re looking for a white male, at least thirty due to the sophistication of the crimes,” Y/N began to deliver the profile to Penelope. She sat in the swivel chair behind her, her head leaning on its back. She held a pink pen in her hand as she twiddled with it to keep her somewhat entertained. 

 “He’s torturing his victims. From what I’ve discussed with the team, he’s trying to perfect a delusion, which he’s failed. Three times.”

 Penelope sat, her hands laying on her thighs as she listened intently to the profile. She only usually got a small paper description to help her search parameters, so it was really cool for her to see a profiler at work.

 “With most delusions like this, the reality never lives up to the unsubs expectation.” 

 “That is the truth with anything though,” Penelope commented on Y/N’s last statement. 

 “Yeah, anyway, his fantasy involves the torture and stretching-”

 “Okay, you can skip that part, my perfect, pure, and gore free office space doesn’t need that,” Penelope said, holding up her hands to stop Y/N and her face contorting in disgust. 

 “Okay,” Y/N laughed before she continued. “Before he kills them, the unsub fixes their hair and paints their nails. The last victim he escalated to crucifying him, I’ll spare you the details of that. Crucifixion was used for serious crimes, so the unsub probably believes that his victims have wronged him.”  

 Y/N sat back in her chair, making it spin in circles as she kept thinking. “Something isn’t working though in his fantasy, because he keeps discarding the men…”

 Y/N stopped the chair and grabbed the tablet off the table beside her. She pulled up the picture of the latest victim in the box. “He kills them, then ritualistically places them in a box with tissue paper, which is weird.” 

 “Why is it weird?” Penelope asked, on the edge of her seat like Y/N was reading her some sort of novel and was reaching the climax. 

 “Well his initial behavior dehumanizes them, so it means his victims he values more when they’re dead,” Y/N answered. She looked back down at the photos again. “But if he's keeping Connie, does that mean she’s dead and he is doing ungodly things that I shouldn’t even think of, or is she still alive?” 

 Penelope looked at Y/N with a puzzled look on her face, not knowing the answer to her questions.

 “I was asking myself, Pen,” Y/N eased Penelope’s thoughts.

 “Oh good.” 

-----------------

 After the team delivered the profile, Spencer had moved back to a quiet room to work in. Well, he wasn’t really focused on his work, he was worrying about proposing to Y/N. 

 All-day, the team had noticed his behavior. Of course, they would, they’re profilers. Spencer’s odd behavior on the plane, his constant whispering under his breath, and his nervous breaths.

  Blake took extra notice of this though, she had formed some sort of motherly bond with Spencer. And Spencer was glad to have it, she was someone he could relate to intellectually also so it was nice to have her to talk to. 

 Spencer sat in a small office, writing on some paper to help with his geo-profile. He was trying to narrow it down to an area where the unsub might be keeping his victims. He was hard at work, but his mind kept going back to Y/N. 

 She was all he could think about. His nerves from proposing, going over every possible way the evening could go. He couldn’t help himself but feel nervous. 

 “There you are,” Blake said as she saw Spencer in the room. “How's the geographical profiling going? And why are you doing it here?”

 “It’s going good. I’m just having trouble concentrating out there, is all, so I came in here.” Spencer gestured vaguely with his pencil around the room. He quickly looked back down to the map and continued to work. 

 “Hmm,” Blake hummed. “So what’s with you today?”

 “Hm,” Spencer said, not understanding what she meant. 

 “Is this about the black box in your bag?” 

 Spencer opened and closed her mouth, he really hadn’t told anyone about his plan to propose. Only JJ and Penelope. JJ because she’s his best friend and Penelope because she could help him find out what Y/N would like and she was also really close to him. “She asked me the other morning, for when she gets back, to go to dinner. And I-I decided that’s when I decided I’m going to do it.”

 “Awe, Reid,” Blake gushed. “She’s going to say yes, you know.”

 “I know, it’s just, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world to me, and I don’t want to mess it up,” Spencer confessed. “But what if she says no? What if she doesn’t want to marry me?” 

 “Spencer,” Blake scorned and then took a seat in the chair across from Spencer. “Why wouldn’t she say yes?”

 “Because I’m weird,” Spencer said. “I slouch, my hairs to long, she always has to fix my perpetually crooked tie-” 

 “Your hair’s fine.”

 “Really? Thanks, my mom thinks it’s too long and so does my Aunt Ethel,” Spencer admitted. 

 “Well, you’re not about to propose to them,” Blake laughed. 

 “I just don't want to ruin something so special, over something so trivial as looks.” Spencer was showing how insecure he was and it truly broke Blake’s heart. “She’s beautiful, Alex, she’s all I could ever ask for, inside and out. Her smile is contagious, her heart is so big, and her eyes sparkle.” 

 “Spencer, I think you’re excited but afraid,” Blake told him.

 Spencer nodded, agreeing with her.  

“But I have only known you two together for four months now, and the way she looks at you, with such love and adoration. Tells me she’s going to say yes,” Blakes gave him a serious face.  

 Spencer gave a half-smile, her words comforted him.

 “So don’t second guess yourself, just do it, because she is not going to say no,” Blake gave him one last word of encouragement.  

 “We’ll see.”

--------------

 “You know what’s crazy,” Y/N blurted into the quiet space of her and Penelope. 

 “What’s crazy?” 

 “The way that these victims were tortured. The dislocation seems so...moving? Like he wants to control them.” Y/N looked at the M.E. report. The dislocation just seemed odd and yet so familiar. 

 “Movement, control, crucifixion…” Y/N was muttering these words under her breath as she continued to think why she knew this case. It seemed like something she read before. A book? No. A Reddit scary story? Possibly. An old case? 

 “Penelope there was a case, uh around 2010 I think, I can’t remember the unsubs name but it had something to do with a woman drugging her victims and...oh and she dressed them up,” Y/N listed off what she could remember from the case file she read before she joined the BAU.

 “I think I remember that one, but let me look it up just to be sure.” Penelope began to type on her computer quickly and look up the case. “Here it is, Savannah Malcolm, thirty-two at the time of her arrest. She kidnapped and drugged women to look like a line of dolls due to a frontal lobe problem from electro-shock therapy prescribed by her father, who was a serial molester.”

 “Okay, the doll thing that’s what I’m looking for.” Y/N pulled her phone out and quickly scrolled to Spencer’s number. 

-

 “The M.E. just called, not only were ligature marks on victim three’s arms, but his jaw was dislocated as well,” Rossi said to Hotch after he hung up the phone. 

 “His jaw?” Spencer asked as he and Blake approached the two men. 

 “Why would you hang someone, dislocate their joints and their jaw, and then crucify them?” Hotch’s confusion was received all around by the group. 

 Spencer was thinking, long and hard. His eyes became focused on a Newton’s Cradle that sat on a deputy's desk. The wheels in his brain turned and he was so close to connecting them but he couldn’t find the last little bit. 

 “I can see your wheels turning, don't hold back,” Rossi said, bringing Spencer out of his head.

 “Maybe he’s dislocating their body parts so that he can manipulate them himself,” Spencer said, explaining to them what he was thinking. 

 As soon as Blake was about to ask a question, Spencer’s phone began to ring. He pulled it out of his back pocket and saw Y/N’s name light up the screen. 

 “Hey, Y/N, what’s up?” Spencer said when he answered his phone. 

 “Spence put me on speaker.” 

 “Okay, one sec.” He pulled the phone away from his ear and did as she told him. “You’re on speaker.” 

 “Savannah Malcolm,” Y/N said, confusing everyone in the room. 

 “What about her?” Hotch said as he recognized the name. 

 “She was a collector, she kidnapped women so that she could be a part of her doll collection she was missing. What if this guy has something like that, a male and female set of dolls, stuffed animals, even I don’t-”

 “Marionettes.” Spencer cut her off thinking the same thing she was. 

 “Yes! I know it’s crazy but-” 

 “No, no I see it,” Spencer agreed with her but when he looked around he could see the confusion on the other’s faces. “Think about it for a second. If you add the dislocation, the holes in the hands, the strange clothing, and the odd makeup, it sounds crazy, but our unsub could be turning our victims into human marionettes.” 

 “That makes sense, and it’s the best lead,” Rossi agreed, looking to Hotch who had a posing look on his face. 

 “The Greeks translated ‘puppets’ as ‘neurospasta’, which literally means string-pulling,” Spencer said as he gave more insight on the marionette theory. 

 “Oh and throughout time they’ve been used as a method to tell kings a story so the subjects didn’t have to speak to him directly,” Y/N piped in since she had some knowledge of the matter.

 Penelope looked over at her from her chair, a confused look on her face. 

 “What? I like history,” Y/N defended herself. 

 “She’s right,” Spencer said, a small sense of pride forming in his chest. 

 “It was a way to hear the truth,” Rossi said as he was taking in the information. 

 “It seems like this unsub is doing something similar. Using his puppets to tell his story,” Hotch added. 

 “He can’t be controlling them by hand,” Blake said as she thought about how the unsub would control two humans. 

 “No, he probably built some sort of contraption,” Hotch agreed. 

 “And he’s trying to lift his victims,” Spencer added.

 “That could explain why he discarded the men,” Rossi said as he looked at the victims’ charts. “They were too heavy.” 

 “Wait, Rossi what do you see?” Y/N asked, pushing her chair back so she could grab the copies of the victims’ charts she had. 

 “Well, I’m checking the licenses of our victims, and each weighed less than the previous one,” Rossi noted as he picked up each one to compare the weights. 

 “You know, if he’s making human marionettes, that also explains why he’s stuffing his victims into boxes,” Spencer said, his eyes bouncing between the three around him. “It’s like a sick toy chest.” 

 “So he is dehumanizing them,” Y/N noted.

 “But he’s not killing them, he’s turning them into his playthings,” Hotch said. 

 The four at the station turned as they heard steps approaching. 

 “A father and son were just abducted from a parking lot at gunpoint,” Detective Marks said when he reached them. “A witness saw a man force them into a car.” 

 “Dave, you and Blake go check it out,” Hotch ordered. “Garcia, you there.” 

 “Yes, sir,” Penelope piped up to be heard over Y/N’s phone. 

 “I need you to start looking for theater owners and puppeteers in the area,” Hotch said. 

 “Will do sir,” Penelope responded. 

 “We’ll hit you back with some results,” Y/N added and went to hang up the phone. 

 “Hey, Y/N wait,” Spencer said, pulling her off of speaker and putting his phone to his ear. 

 “Yeah, Spence,” she responded, doing the same as him. 

 “We're still on for dinner when I get back?” 

 “Of course, I already made the reservation.” 

-----------------

 “Okay there are five puppeteers/marionetters in the area,” Penelope said quickly, seeing as there were two new victims.

 “Any recently released from prison?” Hotch asked. 

 Penelope quickly typed into the search engine and got no results. 

 “No,” Y/N answered when she read the screen. 

 “Yeah, they’re all working kids’ parties and at hospitals,” Penelope added. 

 “What about someone who had a traumatic incident with a brunette girl?” Spencer gave a new set of parameters. 

 “That’s kind of specific,” Penelope muttered as she began to type. While she was typing, she got a call from JJ and Derek. “Hold on let me patch in JJ and Morgan.” 

 “Hey, we’re at the clothing store,” Derek’s voice said over the phone. “And we got the names of five people who left numerous messages for Tucker this week.”

 “Give them to me and Wonder Woman,” Penelope said, hands at the ready to work her magic. 

 “Alright, we got Sam Holby, Terrence Crammer, Vincent Lang, Matt Parker, and Jill Olger,” Derek said, reading off the names he found.

 Penelope typed swiftly on her keys, doing cross-checks with all the things she’s been given so far. “And no, and I’m cross-checking those with Hotch’s list of puppeteers. And no.” 

 “So I’ve got eight more names, some written on pads in the back, others are frequent customers,” JJ’s voice was heard next. 

 “All right,” Derek said to JJ. “Penelope we need you and Y/N to trace the phone lines here, too, see if this guy Tucker called the unsub today.”

-----------

 “How’s your vegetarian pad thai?” Y/N asked as she gathered more of her own food in her chopsticks. 

 “Amazing,” Penelope took another bite of her food. The phone began to ring. Penelope used the ends of her chopsticks to answer. 

 “Garcia,” Hotch’s voice was heard through the phone. 

 “Yes, sir,” Penelope answered, swallowing her food.

 “Were there any incidents involving a father and son in the puppeteers’ histories that you found?”  

  Penelope set down her box of noodles and began to type on her computer. “Father and son. Okay, no, it’s coming up empty.”

 “What about twenty or thirty years ago?” Rossi’s voice asked. 

 At the new parameters, Penelope got a hit. “Well, there was a pretty famous puppeteer in the late fifties, named Alex Rain.”

 “He died in a robbery,” Y/N read from the article on the screen. 

 “Yeah, his son witnessed it.” 

 “What was the son’s name?” Blake asked. 

 “Adam Rain, mom died ten years ago,” Penelope answered.

 “Cross-check Adam’s name with the names of the patrons in the clothing store,” Spencer ordered. 

 Penelope began to type again and a huge list of callers appeared on the screen. “Oh, I got a big ‘ole hit. Okay, so Mr. Rain called Tucker, the owner, forty times in the last month.”

 “Damn, I don’t think I even call my mom that much,” Y/N commented, taking another bite of her food. 

 “Yeah, check this-- his father was most well-known for a pair of puppets named Mitch and Steph, the male one had dark black hair, the female was a redhead.” The picture of the two puppets was on the screen as Penelope began to describe their features. 

 “And they’re creepy,” Y/N sang as her eyes widened at the picture. 

 “Do you have an address?” Rossi asked. 

 “Last known was a building on Pine Street, that used to be his father’s theater,” Penelope said as the information on Adam Rain came up on the screen. 

 “And guess what he drives,” Y/N said. 

 “A blue van, call us back in the car,” Hotch’s voice said as he began to walk out of the room. 

 When Penelope hung up the phone, the sound of her door opening startled them. Y/N instinctively reached for her gun on her belt and Penelope jumped. Walking into the room was Erin Strauss, her normal pristine self. 

 “Agent Y/L/N, may I speak with you in my office please,” Strauss said. 

 It wasn’t a question, it was an order. Y/N nodded and stood up from her chair. “I’ll be back,” she said to Penelope who just nodded absently, not sure what was going on. 

 When Strauss entered her office, Y/N followed a few paces behind her. She was very confused about what was happening at the moment. Strauss knew they were on a case and she wouldn’t pull her away unless it was important. 

 “Have a seat.” Strauss gestured to the chairs in front of her desk. 

 Y/N slowly walked over to the seat on the left, nervous about what was happening. “Okay, I’m going to be blunt, ma’am, what’s going on?”

 “Well, I really didn’t want to do this,” Strauss began with a sigh. 

 Y/N’s mind jumped to the worse. “I’m not fired am I?” 

 “Oh no,” Strauss reassured her. She was a bitch, but Y/N was too good of an agent to fire due to budget cuts. “When I asked you to move to fugitive task force, I was hoping you would say yes so we could use that as your cover.” 

 “My cover? For what?” 

 “A couple of months ago, there was a letter left here, it told about how someone in the FBI was being watched,” Strauss began to explain. “The Director and I wrote it off as a simple ‘trying to scare’ type thing. It wasn’t until later that we realized that wasn’t the case. We received another note, with very specific detail about how someone wanted to hurt not just this one person in the FBI, but their whole team.” 

 “Do you think this has to do with Caroline?” Y/N asked, curious if that was a road Strauss had traveled down and looked into. 

 “We looked into it, it’s not.” 

 Y/N let out a sigh of relief, glad she didn’t have to deal with her again. 

 “This unsub has been stalking a member of your team, the last letter we received was about someone in the BAU.” Strauss handed the letter to Y/N in its evidence bag.

 Y/N took the letter from her hand, looking over the neat handwriting. “Well, by the handwriting I can tell this is probably a female.” 

 “Yes, I also thought that. There’s one other thing, if you notice in the letter, she mentions everyone on the team except you.” 

 Y/N looked closely at the letter, reading over everyone’s name except hers. “Do you think I am the one she’s after.” 

 Great, not again, Y/N thought to herself. 

 “Well, that was my initial thought, but then we got a break,” Strauss said. “We found out that these letters were coming from a student who attends George Town, due to a series of mysterious suicides that we believe are connected to this. George Town is a school we frequently have guest speakers at, especially from the BAU.”  

 Now Y/N was beginning to catch on. “Except me, I have never guest spoken.” 

 “Yes. We are assuming this unsub has only done research on those who have spoken at the school. This is where you come in. I would like you to go undercover as a girl’s advisor to get some insight and hopefully find out who this unsub is.” 

 Y/N looked at Strauss with wide, surprised eyes. “Oh-uh-okay, is this a ‘you can if you want to?’ or a ‘this is what you’re doing now’ thing.”

 “A little of both, but I believe you are the best hope of finding out who this is with little to no injury involved.” 

 “How long would I be undercover for?” 

 “Depends on what you find and how close you’re getting.” Strauss leaned on her desk, seeing that Y/N’s last question prompted that she was interested.

 “Okay, and will I have contact with my team?” 

 The sigh Strauss let out was not giving to Y/N’s hope. “This is the part where I believe you were going to say no. You would start tonight if you say yes, you would get some things from your home, leave your cell phone with me, I give you a new one and you will have no contact with your team unless absolutely necessary for an extended period of time.” 

 “What determines this extended period of time?” 

 “Your findings within the first month.” 

 “So at least a month.” Y/N knew she had to do this, after everything the team did to help her with Caroline, she couldn’t let this unsub get to them. But what about Spencer, or JJ, or Penelope? This was a hard decision she had to make, but she knew she’d be back. 

 “Okay, I’ll do it. But on one condition.” 

--------------  

 Adam Rain had been caught. He had been in a coma for a long time due to a car accident. He had a Peter Pan syndrome where he woke up as a young boy again. 

 Spencer was bouncing on his toes. After his talk with Blake, he had found a new sense of confidence for the evening and he couldn’t wait to pop the question. He had the ring out the whole flight home, the box in his hands and absent mindedly played with it. He opened the box, admiring the ring he looked for for so long. It was simple, a thin gold band that had three small diamonds in a line on the top of the ring. It was perfect and he was so excited to give it to her. 

 The team arrived at Quantico that evening. Tired from the long case and excited to get home.  

 “Hey guys,” Penelope greeted everyone when they walked in the door. 

 “Hey Baby girl,” Derek greeted her, giving her a hug. When he pulled away he looked behind her and then back at her. “Where’s Wonder Woman?” 

 “I have no clue, I was hoping Boy Wonder knew because Strauss called her into her office earlier and I haven’t seen her since,” Penelope explained. 

 Spencer walked up to the two when he heard his nickname. “She hasn’t talked to me since we last called you.” 

 The three were now worried and confused, no knowledge of where Y/N was.

 “I can answer that for you,” Strauss’ voice was heard as she walked into the room. Her announcement gained everyone on the team’s attention. “Agent Y/L/N has been assigned to an undercover assignment by me, starting right after the meeting we had earlier today.” 

 The team stood shocked, some with wide eyes and others with slack jaws.

 “I’m sorry, what?” JJ asked strongly.

 “The case is strictly need to know, but she wanted me to tell you that is where she was so you wouldn’t have to worry about her running off or having you think she left you.” The last part of her announcement was directed to Spencer, who Y/N knew would need to hear that until he got home. 

 “Erin,” Rossi said, anger and annoyance rising in him. 

 “Dave, the decision has been made, she was the best person for this job. You will have no contact with her unless extremely necessary for at least one month-” Strauss held up her pointer finger- “She told me to tell you that this was an extremely hard decision for her to make but she needed to do it to protect lives.” 

 With that, Strauss gave a curt nod to Hotch and started to walk to his office. Hotch followed, his walk angry as she had pulled someone from his team without telling him first. 

 “Reid,” Penelope said when she looked over to the man in shock. 

 He stood still, mouth closed and eyes pricking with tears he wouldn’t let fall. The ring in his pocket felt heavy now, like it carried all the weight of the world that just left him. 

 “Spence,” JJ reached her hand to touch his shoulder. 

 Spencer jerked at the touch and began to walk away. “I need to get home.” 

 His whole trip home, his hope was that what had just happened was just some fever dream. It was all fake from his nerves over the past couple of days and he’d get home and she’s been on the couch waiting for him.   

 But when he walked in the door, he was met with a quiet empty apartment. He let out a breath. It sounded like a scoff almost, and then he wanted to start laughing. Because this was fucking hilarious and crazy.  

 This was crazy, Y/N was gone. 

 When he closed the door and flipped the light switch, the corner of his eye caught a glimmer. His head jerked in the direction of the sparkle. 

 Sitting on the table was a white sheet of paper, folded in half and ‘Spencer’ scrawled on the front of it. Beside it sat the gold band Y/N had gotten him. 

 Slowly, Spencer dropped his bags by the door and walked over the letter. He picked up the letter, not daring to touch the gold band that sat beside it. 

 “Dear Spencer: My love, my sweet angel, my bub, I know you’re very confused right now, I am too. As Strauss told you, I was pulled away on an undercover mission. Sadly I cannot tell you what this is about due to the fact I am liable not to and technically I wasn’t even supposed to write this letter to you but you know me, I couldn’t leave without leaving something for you.” 

 Spencer laughed, a small tear he let escape running down his face. Of course, Y/N wouldn’t leave without giving him a goodbye somehow.

 “I know it isn’t fair that I am leaving you a letter, and trust me I didn’t want to leave you one. You’ve been left too many from people leaving you-- Gideon, your dad. But here’s the one thing that’s different, I am coming back. After this is all over I will be back.” 

 Spencer’s lip quivered, not letting any tears be held back anymore. 

 “Tell the team that I love them and I’m sorry that I had to leave like this. I know they were all probably shocked and some were probably angry. Hell, I would understand if you were angry. I would be.” 

 Spencer was angry. He was angry that she was chosen for this, that she had to leave. 

 “So you’re probably wondering, ‘why is there a ring here?’. Well, tonight I was going to propose to you, and it was going to be so great. Penelope and I have been discussing it all day on my speech, the delivery, the whole nine yards. But I guess that won’t happen now, but if you want to hear about it then ask her, she’ll tell you.” 

 Spencer looked down at the ring. The simple gold band sat there and was screaming at him to pick it up. Like if he wore it, Y/N would be right beside him. 

 “I don’t know if you’ll wear it, but I left it as a promise to you. So you’ll know I’ll be back to marry you soon. That this is just a bump in our story, and the rest of if we will spend together.” 

 Spencer danced the ring between his thumb and index finger. He looked at it all around, noticing their initials on the inside. He smiled at them, making his heart soar at how thoughtful she was. 

 “So, technically I am not supposed to do this, but I can’t stand the thought of not being able to talk to you for a month. I’ve thought about the safest way to do this. It’s the same way I’d talk to London in college when Caroline was...anyway. At the end of this letter is the number of the cell Strauss gave me, it’s in code but I know you’ll figure it out quickly. I want you to go to a payphone, call the number, let it ring twice, hang up, and then wait for me to call back. It’s safe and we can only do it maybe three times a week just to be cautious.” 

 Spencer made extra sure to remember each step, already excited to use it so he could talk to her. 

 “I have to go now, Spence. I love you more than anything you’ll ever know. I found a quote that is fitting for when I was going to propose, so I’ll just leave it here: Thomas Merton once wrote, ‘Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone, we find it with another.’  See you soon, Y/N.” 

 At the end of the letter was the code for the number. It was easy for Spencer to decipher, he didn’t even need to write anything down. He took a mental note of the number and was ready to use it first thing in the morning. 

 He then looked back at the ring. He had set it back down at some point and picked it back up again. It sat in the palm of his hand. 

 He was almost scared to put it on now. Then he thought about her words, it’s a promise I’ll be back. With slow, cautious movements, Spencer slipped the band on his ring finger. The ring felt at home there and he had no plans of taking it off.  

Tag List (let me know if you want to be added!!):

@throughparisallthroughrome @word-scribbless @nintendumbfuck @confused-and-really-hungry  @andiebeaword @itsarayofsunshine @baby-i-am-fireproof @abitofeverythinggg @nanocoool @marceline-is-my-spirit-animal @fancyfaucet @im-a-raging-gay @atletino @mo-whore @peterparkersdestiny @bandsandjill @mbowles23-blog @sarcasm-n-insomnia @citrussirus @nerual222 @april-14-blog @reidloversisforever @heavenlyholland @justawildmarebae @sana-li @thesailbells @l0ve-0f-my-life @spencer101reid @spencersdolore @delicateprunecashpony @sader12345678 @dashlilymark @mysticalmagicmoon @onebigfangirlworld @saturn-mp4 @hurricanejjareau @thatweirdo466 @angryknightstatesmantrash @nograciass @danandphilfan6 @la-vie-en-amour1 @squirrellover1967 @reidswords @skyirates @spideyspencer @harrypressman @justine-en @absolutelynotsophie @dr-reid-ismyspiritanimal​ @mailikestruecrimetoomuch​ @dadchi-oya​ @marley1773​ @lashtonandmalumsbaby @jesus-christ-ashtons-arms @lulurose17​ @flowers-in-fields​ @multifandombb​ @aimzonicles97​ @criminaly-supernatural​ @aperrywilliams​ @n1ghtsh4d3-67​ @thatsonezesty13​

[behind-thebrowneyes]

I'm so tired. Tired of not feeling good enough. Tired of feeling like I am busting my ass with nothing to show for it. Tired of all these dr appointments. Im tired of being pregnant. Tired of all this stress. Tired of looking but never finding anything. Tired of fucking everything. I feel like I try to hard but nothing every works. I see he is stressed but feels like there is nothing more I can do. I feel like I do everything. Cooking all the time, cleaning all the times, trying to stay sane but feel like it's never enough cause every other week it's I feel like I am doing everything. .so what am I doing nothing. Is everything I am doing nothing. I look for places every fucking day. I look everywhere. I left fuck ton of messages woth places. We'd still be in the situation we are in if we did get that car a couple months ago. No savings to do what we need to. It's not like I can save anything all my paychecks go to bills and groceries. I feel like I am being blamed for it.. I feel like I'm getting blamed for it all. I am fucking trying my hardest can't you see, sometimes I feel like you don't. It's the same talk every other week. I am doing what I can I ask for help you tell me to do it. Idk what more I can do. All I know is I am tired and stressed. And maybe that's why she is so small....this whole pregnancy has been nothing but stress. I get you work n come home to sleep and back at it again but idk what else to do. I really don't. I'm tired. Tried of trying so hard and feel like all I am is in limbo. "Friends"keep asking jow the search is going do you think I want to stay in this pigstye.. you don't think I want more than anything to get the fuck out of here. I am fucking trying. Idk what else to do all I ever do is try, but apparently thats not good enough. Like everything else in my life I can't ever be good enough. Idk jusy too much going through my head and Idk what to do. I feel like if I talk about it it's going to stress you out more but I don't have anyone to talk to. You get irritated when I talk to my dad...well who else do I have to talk to I don't want to bother my old buddies with it..my so called friends here only talk to me when they need something or just don't. Ik it's a two way road but...this is why I keep to myself I feel like I am just a burden on everyone and that feeling has never changed in forever. I feel like it's never going to change. I just want life to fast forward to being in our own place with our baby...I jusy want to be done. But it's nights like these where I think do I even deserve that...or is that just my past bs making an appearance in my head again. Ik I've gotten a million times better than what I used to be I talk more, but still feel like a burden on everyone.

[pbandjesse]

Your girl is sad!! And very tired! I got a flu shot tonight and I am feeling it. This always happens. Why did I agree to this before I work 3 full days? Dumb!! Im glad to be safe.

I didn't have a bad day at all. I should not have made my dr's appointment so late in the day. This was a mistake. But it was fine. I did my best to use the best of the day even if I didn't do a great job. A lot of the issue was that I did not sleep well last night. I couldn't get comfortable and I was just having a tough time. I ended up sleeping in the corner of the foot of the bed and James couldn't find me and apparently panicked. Sorry James!

I wore like 5 different outfits today. So you guys get to see the one I wore the longest. I was in a pretty good mood this morning. But I also felt sort of directionless. It actually felt like fall today and that was nice. But we were under a torndao watch all day and it was very rainy. It would be on and off but it would down pour a few times.

Me and James went to the grocery store. Got snacks and staples. And it was a good time. I have slowly had a better relationship to food lately. But it is still hard. So we got me lots of snacks that were substantial and I got fruits that are already cut up.

We stopped for gas on the way home. And then it was work time.

James went to their room and I worked in the studio. I did some styling. Just for an hour but it was something. I was having a pretty good time.

I wish I did some art and more cleaning but it wasn't in the cards. I mostly just felt very tired. I did dye one of the pieces I got yesterday. And sewed the other. But not much else art wise happened.

I tried napping but it wouldn't happen. The rain would be lovely and heavy and I would make a drink and lay in bed enjoying that.

But then I was just stressed about being late to the doctors. So I got changed and paced the apartment until it felt like an alright time to go.

It was kind of a scary drive out. The rain was very heavy. But I made it and was only upset that my nose, of course, had stopped whistling as soon as I got there. It would start as soon as I got back to my car and I was super upset.

It wasn't a bad appointment. I got a flu shot. He is a super kind doctor. But my suspsion was correct. I have a 4mm hole in my sinus and a deviated septum. The issue is we don't know why. So before we decide on surgery I get to get a chest x-ray and do a sleep study. The nurse was very funny and complimentary to me and liked my piercing. But then my concern was I would have to take my piercing out to get an x-ray but the doctor said I can refuse that. So that made me feel slightly better. I also made him laugh when I told him I tell everyone he asked if I do cocaine.

But I was actually really upset. I got to the car and I felt a little crushed. I am scared. I want this fixed and I don't want it to get worse but also. There is a 15% chance that it fails and just gets worse. And Im like. Thats not nothing!! But he is a good man and things will be okay. Im sure of it. I have the x-ray and the sleep test on Tuesday and then we try to fix this.

I drove home and was just upset. I thought about stopping for a milkshake. BUt instead I went to Walgreens and got candy and psoriasis shampoo and saline for my nose because he said it could help a little bit. I haven't noticed much yet. Maybe a little.

When I got back I was sad. The flu shot for sure is making me more emotional I think. It usually takes it out of me so I wouldn't be surprised. So I tried to just be gentle with myself. I had my snacks. I laid in bed. I enjoyed the rain that had picked up again. I packed my bag for the camp Im substituting at tomorrow. And took a nice shower.

Im on the couch now. And just ready to close my eyes. I hope sleep comes easier tonight. For you as well. Goodnight friends. Wish me luck tomorrow.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Saving Grace - Part 6

Summary: Steve leaves you and your son to go back to Peggy unaware your pregnant.

Your heartbroken and struggling without Steve until Bucky Barnes steps up to help you out. With you and Bucky growing closer everyday will he be your saving Grace?

A/N- This part is really just a filler 💜

When i woke up the next morning i was cuddled up against Bucky's chest, he was propped up watching the TV with Harrison curled against his other side, i looked up and smiled instantly.

"Morning"

"Morning doll" he smiled running his hand gently over my head "we're just watching cartoons"

"Funtimes" i chuckled before reluctantly getting up.

"Where you going??"

"I really need to pee and I'm starving" i told him before waddling slightly to the bathroom.

"I'll go down and start breakfast" Bucky called from the other side of the door.

"Thank you, i'll be right down".

Walking into the kitchen Bucky had already set Harrison up at the table with some toast.

"Hey buddy" i kissed the top of Harrisons head as i passed him, i walked over to Bucky who was cooking bacon and gave him a quick kiss.

"Hi" i smiled up at him wrapping my arms around his waist.

"Hi beautiful" He beamed pulling me closer to give me another kiss.

"I could get used to this"

"Me too".

My phone starting vibrating on the table making me groan "who the hell sends messages this early?" I moaned walking over to check it.

"Its 10:15 doll its not that early" Bucky chuckled.

"Its still too early!" I laughed.... a laugh that stopped as soon as i saw who had been texting me. Steve.

Steve: Hey its Steve.

Steve: I think we need to talk.

Y/N: I have nothing to say to you

Steve: I want to see my son Y/N

Y/N: Bit late for that don't you think?

Y/N: He wont know who you are, just stay away.

"Fucking asshole" i muttered throwing the phone down suddenly full of anger.

"Doll? Whats wrong?" Bucky asked looking concerned.

"He wants to see Harrison! Can you believe that??!!" I said pacing in the living room the rage bubbling within.

"Who? Steve?"

"Yeah! I mean Harrison wont even know who he is looking the way he does now!! He made the choice to leave and now.... what? he wants to have a relationship with his son??"

"You don't need to agree to anything.... just try to calm down. Its not good for the baby"

The phone went off again and i snatched it up to read his reply.

Steve: I have rights! Im his father!

Y/N: Fuck you Steve! You gave up any right to call him your son when you decided to leave us for Peggy! LEAVE US ALONE! Thats what your good at right? Im blocking this number don't try to contact us again.

After hitting send i blocked his number and turned off my phone.

Bucky instantly pulled me into his arms and just held me close "i can talk to him if you want me to"

"You don't need to Buck, his still your best friend"

"I haven't spoken to him since that day he left..... Sam's my best friend now, i thought he told you that?" He smirked.

"How much of that conversation did you hear that day?" I laughed shaking my head.

"Enough" he shrugged casually "i can't help it, i have good hearing remember"

"Rightttt".

"So about Steve?....."

"Lets just leave it for now, maybe he'll do us all a favour and drop it".

"I doubt it but okay, i'll follow your lead on this"

"Thanks Buck, are you okay watching Harrison while i go shower?"

"Of course" he kissed me quickly "i'll save you some bacon".

"What would i do without you".

The weeks were flying by, all had been quiet from Steve after i blocked his number. He hadn't tried contacting us through the others and he stayed away from the compound, looks like he finally took the hint!

It was a Friday night and Harrison, Bucky and I were at the Tower for movie night with Sam, Wanda and Clint.

I had just entered my 8 month of pregnancy and felt like the size of a house! Movie night was an excuse for the team helping with Harrison and waiting on me, they didn't think i knew but i had caught on quickly and wasn't about to argue. Halfway through the movie Sam got a call, when he came back in he told us that Ross wanted him and Bucky for a mission.

"Seriously?? Why?" Bucky whined reminding me of Harrison when he would throw a tantrum.

"I don't know Buck they wouldn't say over the phone"

"One minute the guy doesn't want us involved in this stuff and now his calling us in this late on a Friday??"

"Lets just get this over with"

"God damn it" he huffed "i dont want you being alone while im gone..... your getting close to the end now what if something happens?" He turned to me.

"Bucky Ive still got 4 weeks.... at least, its fine. If it makes you feel better i'll stay here with Wanda and Clint until you get back".

"Yeah okay" he nodded "but you'll call me if anything happens?"

"Of course, be careful! Both of you!".

"Of course. Come on then lets get this over with" Bucky got up gave Harrison a kiss on the head and gave me a quick peck on the lips before storming off. I sat wide eyed, surprised that he had kissed me in front of the others.... he did it all the time at home now so i suppose it was just a natural thing for him to do.

"When did that happen?" Clint asked smirking at me, Wanda just sat smiling.

"Erm.... things changed after he came to my doctors appointment with me" i blushed "we're taking it slow though, i want to wait til after i have the baby"

"I called it" Clint said smugly "just saying"

"You called what?"

"You and Bucky of course. Your good for each other, i think its great sweetheart"

"You deserve to be happy Y/N, if Bucky makes you happy thats great" Wanda said taking hold of my hand.

"Thanks guys" i smiled "and he does. He makes me so happy, when I'm with him i almost forget about.... his been my saving grace"

"The man adores you and Harrison"

"I know. His so good with Harrison, watching them together just melts my heart" i admitted with a smile "Harrison loves him so much"

"I don't think Harrison is alone in that" Clint chuckled, i tossed a cushion at him that hit him clean in the side of the face.

"Shut up and watch the movie".

"Wanda!!" I yelled trying to make my way to her room holding a hand against my stomach, she came rushing out of her room and run to my side.

"Y/N whats wrong??"

"I think the baby is coming!"

"But its too early!!"

"I know!!" I cried feeling myself start to panic.

"Okay deep breathes, i'll take you down to Dr Cho...."

"I cant leave Harrison alone, he'll be upset if he wakes up alone...."

"I'll tell Clint to go look after Harrison don't worry" she told me and i watched as a wisp of red floated down the hall way.

"I need to call Bucky...."

"Lets just get you sorted first".

It had been three days since Bucky and Sam left for their mission now and we still had no idea when they would be back. Wanda got me down to medical and located Dr Cho, it was soon confirmed that the baby was coming now! No false alarms this was it!

"But I'm not due yet..." i told her panicking.

"She's strong enough don't worry, shes ready. Wanda are you staying for this?"

"Yes" she nodded quickly taking hold of my hand giving me a smile.

"Can you try and reach Bucky please?"

"I've already tried, theres no answer right now but i left him a message"

"Thank you"

"Okay lets get you set up, it wont be long now".

Taglist: @jennmurawski13 @kenzieam @captainchrisstan @s-t-r-i-k-e-us @lets--be-honest @ms-betsy-fangirl @damnaged-princess @farfromtommy @disneylovingal @lbuck121 @billweasleey

[xxxmisslxxx]

This Is Me.....

......so I'm new to this .... I'm hoping I can just vent here and also get those feelings out in the universe... because apparently its “bad to supress things.” 

I will keep some details anonymous because .... well the internet you know?

I'm a 35 year old Female from a small town that has eventually over the years turned into a huge over populated town, been here pretty much all my life and seen all the changes ..

I've been with my partner for almost 19 years now and some days it can be a challenge haha  you know how you love them to death but also want to kill them at the same time? now that's love hehe.

We have one child that's 2  and this is my main reason for starting this blog...

see i have infertility.... there i said it out loud .... its not something some women can say out loud or even want to discuss... i feel like it is because the fairy-tale is you get the guy, you get married and you have kids... seems simple right? its the way most little girls thinks it happens... but its isn't reality for some women... and I'm that person. 

We had tried for years .. many years of unprotected sex and nothing, and the fear and numerous thoughts go through your mind of what's wrong with me? or is it him? what if its both of us? so we decided to go get checked... and this is where the long journey started......

we did countless hours of internet searches trying to find “the right dr for us” , we found a fertility clinic and made our first appointment.. i was so scared of the outcome and what the dr will say, she was super nice but between you and me she had no personality haha kind of flat talking which i found a tad funny literally no facial expressions hahahaha but again super nice and understanding.

She sent us both for tests, from blood, scans to sperm to me having a HSG to check to see if my tubes were not blocked (PS OUCH!!!!!) all came back normal ... i knew i had polycystic ovaries but she definitely confirmed it as it never was actually confirmed by my other drs, see my periods were NEVER regular i could get my period from 28 days to 54 days so i could never pick ovulation in my cycles, she also confirmed i have an underactive thyroid and thyroid antibodies so she prescribed me thyroxine to take for the rest of my life.

so after all that we decided to go for IVF and she was happy to help us out and take us on ..

so first day of period came and i started medications seems easy ... not for me!!! i cant swallow tablets at all to save my life haha so definitely something to get use too (ps still to this day im not use to it) once that finished i started a nasal spray day and night, then a couple of weeks later the injections ... i actually found the injections easier then tablets lol i literally gag every time. first scan was due to check the follicles and they were doing great and was on track. i actually had no idea what to expect at this scan, a week went by and another scan was due to see how they were processing .... they were textbook apparently so they scheduled me an egg collection to go ahead with, i was so super nervous as i didn't know what to expect.

the night came where i had my final injection ... the “trigger injection” which helps the potential eggs to mature for collection ... and then the egg collection was to follow.

EGG COLLECTION DAY- omg was i nervous and no idea what to expect as i seen videos on YouTube of the procedure and oh my god it looked like it hurt i was FREAKING out!!! luckily it was nothing like that. i was laying in the hospital bed waiting for them to come get me. they came and wheeled me into the procedure room they were all so nice to me and comforted me to make me feel comfortable... then the dr inserted a cannula in my arm and said ok were administering the drugs now and i should start to feel it... all i remember it the room spinning then nothing haha it was such a weird experience since ive never had any stiches or operations in the past .... it was like i lost time is the only way i could explain it .... hubby was with me in recovery and said do you remember this and that etc. i was like nope haha. the nurse came in and told us we got 11 eggs which was a really good number we were pretty happy with that number she said they will call us tomorrow with the number of how many fertilised. i felt i fair bit sore so i got some pain medications and went home to sleep it off.

to be continued for another day ................. 

[jeonchan26]

Used To Be (Part 6)

Warnings; Angst, A Little Bit Of Fluff(Maybe) Self-Esteem & swearing. Mental Abuse, Toxic Relationship, Don’t Read If It Might Trigger You.

This Is All Made Up, I Don’t Believe The Boys Would Do Any Of This. Our Boys Are Angels❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These past months have been a bit stressful. Trying to hide your pregnancy, which was becoming harder because you were starting to show more and more. Chan and his confused emotions, his friends, it was just too much. But Jungkook has made it easier for you, with his smile, his personally, his silliness. Jungkook has stuck to his word and stay by your side since he started school. You knew you had to tell him about the pregnancy, you were starting to show and it was going to be more complicated to hide from him or the rest of the school.

You were now 4 months pregnant, your baby growing strong. Today you were going to find out if you were having a boy or a girl, you were excited. As you headed out the door to your appointments you bump into a hard chest, knowing well who it was. With a sigh you greeted the person, “um his chris? Do you need something?” You asked trying to walk past him. “Don’t act like you forgot about your appointment. Today we find out if we are having a girl or a boy!” Chan said pulling you back together him. “I’m finding out. You were never part of the plan” you said crossing your arms around your chest, looking up at him with a glare.

“Aww come on baby. You know that things have been different since that day. I’m a man of word when I said I was going to keep tabs on your and my child.” Chan said moving to side to walk beside you. “Last time I checked you didn’t want nothing to do with me or MY baby. Why change your mind now? Is Rachel not good enough anymore?” You asked walking beside him. It was useless to fight with him, it was exhausting. “Oh no baby Rachel is good enough. I’m lucky to have her in my life. But you were also a part of my life and I have to be responsible for my mistakes. And unfortunately, you were that mistake” Chan told you while smirking down at you.

His words hurt but you started to become numb. Everytime Chan showed up he would always remind you how your were a mistake, how you weren’t good enough for him, that no matter what you did to be happy. He was going to be there to remind you of what you really were.

“Okay” was all you said and headed inside the building. You were going to let Chan do this to you, not when you are so happy to see your baby. You sometimes wonder what made Chan change his attitude towards you, when you guys were together he wasn’t like this. He was loving, caring, treated you like a princess. What changed? You sigh. You smiled at the receptionist and signed in. You sat next to Chan and waited to be call back. All you could think of what were you going to tell Jimin when he saw the baby daddy walk in. It made you nervous because you and jimin have gotten close, as friends of course. But Chan being possessive lately you didn’t want any problems.

“(Y/n)” you heard your name being called and followed the nurse into the room with Chan behind you. “It would be just a minute, Dr. park will be right with you” the nurse said two the both of you walked out and close the door. You got changed making Chan turn around so he wouldn’t see but that didn’t work as you felt hands on your small bump. Slapping his hands away you finished getting ready, just in time to heard a knock on the door and see Jimin walk in.

“(Y/n)! Glad to see you again how are you feeling?” Jimin said while pulling you into a hug, not noticing Chan until he heard someone cough behind him. “Oh I’m sorry didn’t see you there” he said pulling away and turning around to shake his hand. “I’m Dr. Park, and you are?” He asked while smiling at Chan, “I’m Chan, the baby’s father” he said not amused with the friendship you guys had developed. “Oh I didn’t know you were in the picture?” Jimin asked while looking back you with a confused expression. “Umm he decided to be a part of the baby’s life just recently.” You said while looking down at your hands. “Wells that’s great. Glad to hear that!” Jimin said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. There was something about Chan that didn’t seem right & the way you were acting proved his point.

“Well let’s see baby groot?” Jimin asked taking a seat next to you, while you laid down on your stomach & he put the gel on you. “Baby groot?” Chan asked confused, walking by your side. “Yea, that’s our nickname to him or her” you said while looking at jimin, who was already starting back at you smiling. “Okay, so it seems like everything seems good. Baby looks healthy. Oh did you feel that? It just jumped!” Jimin said while smiling. “Jimin, do you know what Im having?” You asked him, excited to know already. “Let me see! Oh you see that, it looks like baby Groot is a boy!!” Jimin said happily, you started tearing up. Chan coming up next to you and giving you a kiss on your forehead. For a brief moment, it felt like everything was normal. That you and Chan were together, that there was no drama, just the two of you excited for your baby. You felt Jimin wiped the gel off your stomach and help you sit up. “Congratulations on you baby boy. Everything seems normal. I can’t wait to see you in a month, take care and make sure you drink lots of water and eat healthy. Don’t forgot to do exercise. Nice to you meet you Chan!” Jimin said while saying goodbye but not before giving you a hug.

You were walking out of the building look at your baby sonogram that you forgot about Chan, until you heard him speak. “Didn’t know you and Jimin were close” he said with sarcasm in his voice. “Yea he is my doctor and he has been helping me since the beginning” you said putting the picture in your bag. “You guys are so close, you guys are on the first name bases?” He asked, while he stop walking. You stop and face him. “Is there a problem with that?” You asked him.

“Of course there is. Why do you have to be such a whore with every guy you meet!” Chan yelled at you. “Excuse me! I’m not a whore!” “I begged a different! You seem so desparate, first jungkook and now jimin. Rachel was right when she said Your nothing but a cheap whore” Chan said. “Of course you believe everything you fucking hear, especially from her. Look I don’t have to explain anything to you, but if you must know. Jimin and jungkook have been there for me since I found out about this pregnancy. While you have been nothing but I dick and a jerk towards me. You used to love me, what happened to that. Now you treat me like I’m the worst mistake you ever made. And there isn’t a fucking day that you don’t remind me!” You said trying to hold back your tears. “I’m going home. Just stay away from me and my baby. You don’t need to be involved. Matter of fact I don’t want you to be involved.” You said trying to walk away but stopped by Chan pulling you back.

“No you don’t get to walk away. Things change, feelings change. You changed! Everybody was telling me you were just with me because of the money my parents have. You knew that I would become CEO of my dad’s company as soon as we graduate. That’s why you got pregnant. You’re nothing but a gold digger. So I’m going to make sure that you know what your place is here. Trust me, you’ll get to live the life you want soon. Once it gets closer to graduation, we are going to get married in secret only my family and friends will know. Trust me it won’t be a perfect life that you would have expected it to be because people like you deserve what coming your way.”

“haha like I would agree to marry a guy like you!” You cut him off. But his next words stop your whole world. “Oh trust me sweetie you’ll agree to marry me, because if you don’t you can kiss our son goodbye. I’ll make sure that once he is born he is in my full custody. And let’s be honest here baby you know I have the money and the power to do so” Chan said while glaring at you. “Y-y no you wouldn’t dare do that to my son!” You were crying at this point, “try me baby! I’ll see you tomorrow. We should probably start thinking about this wedding and of course the rules you’ll have to follow once we are happily married” he smirked at you and walked away.

“What the hell just happened? He can’t do that, he can’t take my son! A gold digger, what the hell did this turn into!”

You made it home and locked the doors and just went to sleep. Tomorrow was a new day but same shit, one thing for sure is that you had to talk to jungkook about the baby.

[shhhhyoursister]

how about a fic where one of them gives flowers to the other? love all the fics you've done! the last one was a fluff fest and just super adorable and sweet and spot on!!

yello,ahhhh BAGELS im so so glad you liked my last fic it was so fun to write!!! it took me a little bit to come up with an idea for this one but i really hope you like it!!! im sorry that its kinda angst but i hope its still like,, cute and stuff??? idk??? also everyone pls go read everything bagels has ever written seriously like badboy!david?? favorite au of all time

The conversation regarding Matteo and therapy had been....long. It had come after Matteo couldn’t get out of bed for three days, and David had been with him the entire time, alternating between worrying and trying to think of how to help. He made Matteo food (that he didn’t eat) and talked to him in a quiet voice (never getting a response), had cleaned the clothes and the mess that managed to accumulate while he waited for his boyfriend to have the ability to just get up.

It was scary, and something that David never, ever, ever wanted to see again. He couldn’t even imagine what was going through Matteo’s mind for those three days, tried not to think about it because the idea of Matteo being anything less than joyful and lively made tears form in his eyes. 

So, when he finally came out of it, and after David had made him eat and drink and shower and change into clean clothes, they sat and talked. Matteo was quieter than usual, exhausted and drained from his racing thoughts. David didn’t want to push him, but he knew that if they didn’t talk about it then and there they probably never would. 

They talked about David’s experience with therapy, Matteo spoke in an almost whisper about when his mom used to go to therapy and how Matteo would go with her sometimes and sit in the waiting room, terrified of the people around him, wondering if they all had the same thing as his mom, if they would do the same things as her. When the night was over, they had each cried a few times, and they fell asleep in the (finally) clean sheets, wrapped tight around each other.

It’s a few weeks later when Matteo and David are walking hand in hand to the building where Matteo was going to have his first appointment. His hand shakes a little in David’s firm grip, and David turns to look at him. Matteo’s bottom lip is tight under his teeth, and David squeezes his hand until Matteo looks at him.

“Stop biting your lip, baby, I don’t want it to bleed.”

“I- I’m sorry. I’m just....” He trails off, staring straight ahead again.

“Nervous? It’s okay to be nervous, it’s the first time you’re doing this and it’s really brave that you’re even going.”

“I’m not nervous, I’m fucking terrified.” Matteo bites his lip again and David sighs before lifting a hand to Matteo’s face and running his thumb along the marks his teeth were making. Matteo sighs back and turns to look at David, his eyes full of fear. They’re almost at the building, David can see it and the end of the block, but before they get there he turns his head to the side and sees a small alley.

“Come on, you’ve got a few minutes. Let’s calm down, yeah?”

Matteo nods and follows behind David until they’re securely hidden away in the alley, and then he collapses into David’s arms and wraps his own tight around David’s back.

“It’s the first appointment, so it’s going to be more about getting to know you than anything else. She’s probably going to ask about family, friends, where you live, school, if you’re in a relationship. She’ll ask why you want to start going to therapy. It’s probably going to be a lot, yeah, but you can tell her that you’re nervous and she should go easy on you. And again, Matteo, I’m so proud of you for doing this. Everyone is.”

Matteo takes in a shaky breath before pulling back to look into David’s eyes. David smiles softly at him, and raises his hand to stroke down Matteo’s face. Matteo nods once before leaning in to kiss David quickly, and then grabs his hand and determinedly walks him out of the alley and in the direction of the building.

After they go in and Matteo gives his name to the woman at the front desk, David notices his sudden burst of confidence start to dissipate. Matteo’s eyes are flitting around the room like a scared animal, the hand not in David’s twitching where it rests on his leg. When David sees that hand raise up and start scratching down Matteo’s neck, he grabs it and presses a kiss to the knuckles. 

“Matteo Florenzi?”

Their heads both snap up to stare at the tall woman standing in the entrance to the waiting room, holding a clipboard with a big smile on her face. 

“I’m Dr. Schäfer, are you ready? We’re going to talk in my office down the hall,” she turns to David, “you can wait for him here, we’ll be done in about an hour.”

Matteo is frozen for a second before David squeezes his hand, and he turns to look at him, the fear in his eyes back. David leans in and kisses him on the cheek before putting a hand behind his back and nudging a little.

“You’ll be okay, Matteo, I’ll be here when you get back. I promise.”

Matteo bites his lip again and nods, squeezing David’s hand back and getting up. He hears Dr. Schäfer start speaking when they’re in the hallway, and Matteo’s quiet response, before he can no longer pick up the sounds of their conversation. The second Matteo is gone is when David starts to worry.

He's terrified that this is just going to send Matteo back into the dark place he had been that prompted this appointment, and he starts bouncing his leg, the sudden anxiety making him antsy. He glances around the room and watches the secretary file some papers for a moment before moving his gaze to a girl and an older woman on the other side of the room. He watches them talk for a moment before he can’t stand it anymore and jolts up, making his way out of the building, checking his phone so he knows when he has to be back.

Once he’s outside and moving he takes a deep breath, letting it out as he looks around for something to occupy his now flying thoughts. He runs a hand through his hair and notices a small park across the street and before he decides to go over his legs are moving him in the direction.

He walks through the park until he reaches the end, trying to breath steadily and obsessively checking his phone for the time. He gets to the end with about 40 minutes to spare, and goes to turn around before he sees something out of the corner of his eye that makes him smile, and he runs over.

******

David has to sprint by the time he realizes that he’s done, as he only has a few minutes before Matteo’s appointment was going to be over. He runs while carefully holding onto the precious cargo in his hands, and notices that as he runs past people turn to watch and smile. He had bought the gift for Matteo without really thinking about it, had just seen the stand and had had the feeling that he wanted to do something to make Matteo smile when he was done with his appointment. 

He gets there with a minute to spare, and leans over for a second to suck in some air, and before he can sit back down he hears Matteo’s quiet laugh in the hall. He grins before even seeing him, and as Matteo and the therapist round the corner he shoves his hand with the surprise behind his back. 

“So Matteo, same time next week?”

“Uh, yeah. Sounds good.” 

As Dr. Schäfer walks away, Matteo takes a deep breath and turns to see David standing there waiting for him. David smiles a little and cocks his head to the side, and Matteo lifts a corner of his mouth before launching himself at his boyfriend. David lets out a surprised laugh before wrapping his arms around Matteo’s waist, being careful to not crush the gift while also still trying to hide it. David holds him for a minute and they breath together, Matteo’s arms tightening and loosening every now and then. When he finally pulls back he wipes a hand across his eyes and lets out another breath.

“Can we go?”

David just nods, doesn’t want to overwhelm Matteo with the questions swirling around in his head. There would be time for that later, but now he just wants to get out of there so Matteo can start to calm down.

Once they leave the building all the tension in Matteo’s shoulders drop, and he turns to David as they walk.

“That was...a lot,” and then he finally notices that David has been holding something behind his back and tries to peek, asking, “hey, what’s that? Did you leave while I was in there?”

“Sitting still was driving me crazy, so I went for a little walk,” he looks ahead and sees the alley that he had pulled Matteo in before and grabs his hand again, yanking him in the same direction, “come.”

When they get into the alley and are hidden away again, David gently pushes Matteo against the wall. Matteo’s eyes are a little wide with anticipation, and before he can speak David steps back and holds out his hand.

Clenched tightly in his grasp are three flowers, one white, one light pink, and one a darker pink. Matteo’s eyes widen more and his mouth drops open as he stares at them, and David starts worrying that he made a mistake. He knew that it was cheesy, and at the same time had no idea if this was an inappropriate occasion to buy flowers for.

“I- I saw these while I was walking and thought they were really nice. The guy at the stand told me what they mean, too,” and in succession points at the dark pink, then light pink, then white flowers respectively, “this one means change, because I feel like you choosing to do this is going to make a big change in your life, a change for the better. This one symbolizes strength, because you’re very strong for doing something so scary. And this one is loyal love, because I’m going to be here and I’m going to love you, no matter what happens.”

David closes his mouth and watches Matteo stare at the flowers, worrying that he was going to hate the gesture. He waits as Matteo blinks twice and then closes his mouth, reaching an unsteady hand out to grab the flowers. 

“I, um, I’m sorry if this is stupid, I just saw them and wanted to get you something because I knew this was going to be hard, and then the dude started telling me about the meaning and I got a little too into it, we can bring them back if you don’t--”

He’s cut off when Matteo surges forward and kisses him hard, grabbing David by the back of the head with his free hand, his other still desperately clutching the flowers. David smiles into the kiss and slips his hands under Matteo’s shirt and onto his waist, needing to feel his boyfriend’s skin.

“It isn’t stupid,” Matteo says once they finally separate, “it isn’t. I- thank you. I don’t really know what to say. I love you.”

And then he turns his face up from the flowers and smiles, and even though it’s small and timid, David grins back, relieved. He whispers back, “I love you, too.”

The flowers stay in a pitcher on the WG’s table until they’re all dead, and for a few days after even that. 

[eloarei]

tl;dr and TW: I had a miscarriage (and an ER visit)

So, I haven’t been on tumblr for a while. Let’s see how long. ...Three and a half months. Basically, I haven’t been on since a little before I found out I was pregnant.  See, my birthday was January 28th. My last period had started on New Year’s Day, so I was slated to start again on my birthday, and I just kept thinking, “gosh, I would really like to not be on my period on my birthday!”  Well, I got my wish. A few days came and went, and I thought, “okay, I’m pregnant.” This wasn’t an overreaction; I’d never been more than 3 days late in the past few years, and I just... felt it. I took the test, and lo and behold, it was positive. A ‘dye-stealer’, even. (A strong positive, where the positive line ‘steals’ all the dye from the control line.) (I’ve spent a lot of time on pregnancy forums; I’m familiar with a whole new world now.)  I was happy. Mostly excited, mostly not scared. My husband was the same. We’d been married for 12 years with no kids, no prior pregnancies, and I’d thought for a few years that I probably did want kids-- it just... never happened. We were too careful, until we decided not to be. (Even then, we weren’t trying. We just let things do as they would.)  The next 6 weeks were interesting. It was... neat? Neat to feel all the minute changes. Every day I was so aware of my body and what was happening to it. Even though I was almost not showing at all (I could see a slight difference; nobody else would have), I felt so big, and I was exhausted, but it was kind of fun. It was fun thinking about having an October baby; maybe its birthday would end up on my husband’s, or my old bff’s. Maybe it’d be 10-15-20. I thought that would be cool. And I thought about names, about how we’d arrange the house, how we’d afford everything when we have such a habit of just squeaking by. I felt we were up for the challenge.  But I read a lot of information. SO MUCH information. So I knew there was a chance it wouldn’t work out. After all, roughly 1 out of every 4 known pregnancies ends badly. And there was no reason why I should miscarry, when I was healthy, and my family didn’t have a history of common miscarriages. But I wasn’t stupid, and I’ve never been the kind of person to say, “it won’t happen to me”.  I guess I was lucky that I read so much, that I knew things could go wrong, because they did. Even so, I wasn’t entirely prepared. I started bleeding around week 9, so I read an absolute ton about miscarriages. They all said it happened pretty quick-- maybe a few days of light bleeding before the ‘big event’, and that the event itself was painful-- AT LEAST like heavy period cramps. When I continued bleeding for over a week I thought “...maybe it’s not a miscarriage?” I read some more and determined it could have been a subchorionic hemorrhage-- bleeding in the uterus that is usually not fatal to the baby, often characterized by period-like bleeding: long, slow, not very painful.  The whole time I was trying to find a place to get an ultrasound. I don’t/didn’t have a doctor of my own, a primary care physician or an obstetrician. I’ve never really done doctors. Figured I’d wait until about the second trimester to find one, since my readings told me a lot of doctors waited til week 10+ for the first appointment anyway. Unfortunately, all the clinics I talked to wouldn’t deal with me when I mentioned I had some bleeding-- even though it was just a little bit! Less than a period. “Go to the ER”, they said, to which I responded that I absolutely was not going to go to the ER for a non-emergency when hospitals were stuffed with coronavirus patients.  Therefore, I just waited while I kept looking, hoping it would sort itself out.  In a way, it eventually did. Monday morning, as I was about to go to sleep (I work nights), I had some slightly heavier bleeding. Thought it might have been another small clot. Sat on the toilet for an hour before I felt woozy and decided to lay in the tub before I passed out. Thank god for my husband, because I don’t know if I would have survived the next several hours without him.  HERE’s the TMI >>>>>>>  I continued bleeding for the next three hours, my husband pouring warm water on me to wash all the little clots away. After a while, I passed a huge clot, size of an egg. Ever done that science experiment where you use vinegar or something to dissolve an egg shell and you’re left with just the innards in a flexible membrane? Well it was like that, but blood. I passed out a little while after that.  ....That’s when I knew things were getting weird. It was my second time passing out ever, and I hated it. I think it’s literally my least favorite thing in the world. 5 seconds that feels like an eternity and it feels like you’re going to die but you can’t explain why. Terrible.  I still thought maybe we could get through this. It didn’t hurt, it was just... well, losing blood. It was within the realm of what I’d read about subchornionic hemorrhage, so I thought maybe that clot was the worst of it. HMM, I was wrong. I passed another one just like it. Then I passed out twice in quick succession, upchucked all over myself (the smell haunts me, ugh), and apparently turned rather blue. So I told him, “hey, it’s time for the ER”.  Boy, that was....... a thing. He called his mom because I said I didn’t want him driving and for me to pass out again when he couldn’t help. I swaddled myself in towels and garbage bags so I wouldn’t bleed all over the damn place, all the while feeling like I might just die at any moment. When we got to the ER, they put me in a wheelchair, asked me some questions I could barely answer, and then took me back.  The next 24 hours consisted of being stabbed, suctioned, and pumped with 5 liters of saline solution which left me smelling weird. I was barely conscious for the first half of it, but talking and joking whenever I could-- because apparently that’s how I deal with stress. Anyone surprised?  Anyway, they quickly confirmed what I knew as soon as I passed more than one ungodly egg-clot: it was a miscarriage. They removed what was left; I didn’t look at it, but my husband said there... wasn’t really much. Nobody did any analyses, so I’m left to surmise that it wouldn’t have been more than 6 weeks (or possibly anembryonic), meaning it was just in there for 5+ weeks by then, doing nothing but accumulating blood. Insult to injury much?  The biggest strangeness of the whole ordeal, the reason why I didn’t expect it was a miscarriage in the first place, was that none of it hurt. Every story I read said it hurt, but this just felt... awkward. I mean, passing out wasn’t fun. Sure as hell didn’t feel comfortable, but I never experienced any pain (except the blood draws; lord did those bruise. Ugh).  The whole thing left me feeling exhausted. It took days before I could do more than toddle around the house. It’s been 2 weeks now, but I still feel a little sick when I think about those fucking clots, or the strangeness of the ER, or passing out 4+ times. I’m hoping I don’t have brain damage, geez. I certainly feel mentally slower than usual, like maybe the pregnancy-brain never went back to normal.  As for what I feel emotionally... it’s... hard to say. I’m sad. Disappointed, annoyed. But mostly I was scared. And that makes me hesitant. I still want a kid. I wanted that kid. But I’ve always been very careful. We always knew the risks and wanted to wait until the right time. The problem is, now... Now I’m more intimately familiar with some of the risks, and I’m a bit afraid it’s going to make me too careful. Will I ever get another chance? Will I ever give myself another chance? I don’t know. I really just don’t.  Mostly though, I am glad to be alive. And while I was more than accepting of the ugly bloated and tired feeling of pregnancy, I’m happy to take the good with the bad now. I hate what I lost, but my body is starting to feel normal again, and... well, that’s nice, I guess.  Anyway... That’s partly why I haven’t been online, and what I’ve been up to since. God I hope you guys have all had nicer, less-eventful years so far. (If you wanna catch up, feel free to message me. The IM feature seems busted on my end, so maybe try sending an ask or something instead.)