#but if my blog got deleted for no fucking reason i’d be really pissed! i’ve been here for 10 years and made a lot of friends here

[pjharvey-moved]

i keep seeing not only blogs run by (verified) palestinians but also pro-palestine blogs compiling verified gofundmes getting deleted too. and they get taken down sooo fast. i had a stalker back when i was dating my ex bf accusing me of being a “pedo fucker” and making a bunch of blogs with titles like “audrey wuvs pedos :3” and sexually harassing me and multiple other mutuals and staff dragged their feet sooo hard on dealing with it they would respond to all my reports with emails like you’re sending us too many complaints we’re overwhelmed :( they don’t give a shit about sexual harassment and stalking but trans women and palestinians and black women get their blogs sniped just for existing and especially if they call out the fact that this happens. this site’s moderation system is a joke

[thermodynamic-comedian]

Hey! On the post you’ve deleted. I’d just like to say that despite having an intensely negative queer experience so far in my life, i do not want my being queer to be defined by that suffering- you’re completely correct. I don’t want my identity to be the trauma i’ve been through, and i don’t want our collective identity to be based in that. The people who’ve just taken your post to be you ‘bragging’ about your upbringing are just being frankly idiotic assholes- ignore them. This is the piss poor reading comprehension website. Hey! I can’t afford top surgery too! Doesn’t mean i go onto people who’ve done literally nothing to you’s blogs and start fucking ragging them lmfao

Î’m sad you deleted the post, because you were completely right 🙏 we need more takes like that in queer spaces.

thank you so much for saying that, honestly it has been a very strange few days since i made that post, but i finally got a personal "piss poor reading comprehension website" experience lmao. i'm a very easy person to get to when it comes to morality, i'm more affected by "what you said made me upset" messages than "kill yourself" messages, which is one of the reasons i very quickly deleted that post for fear of upsetting more people by leaving it up. but the amount of support has been really important to me and i truly appreciate it so much. i'm so grateful for everybody who actually took the time to understand what i was trying to say.

[popculturebuffet]

Schedule Reshuffling and my thoughts on the True Colors Debacle

Well.. this weekend has been a crapstorm professionally. Personally not so much: I’ve had a nice lunch, went on errands, bought a dollar store transformer and named it Murderboat, found a transformer dog that’s also a motorcycle, went garage sailing.. it was nice. 

What wasn’t.. was finding out Friday, out of NOWHERE, that the hotly antipciated Season 2 Finale of Amphibia, True Colors, would be delayed a week. This was unusual to me as Disney is usually extremely good with scheduling.  It’s the main reason I do Disney Shows for regular coverage: CN usually releases the episodes in bombs on their app beforehand meaning i’d have to cover 6 or 7 at once, Nick only reveals what the episodes are a few weeks in advance, and streaming tends to release episodes by season making it easy to cover them all at once, with exceptions like Invincible which I MIGHT have done.. but I already was doing final space and by the time I decided to just wait and do a full season review invincible was too far in and I didn’t have the space to do all the episodes so far. Point is I need consitancy to do a show week to week: it’s something that has to have a guaranteed slot on my schedule, and means I have to keep one open till the end of the month before just in case. 

Thankfully while you’d THINK this would mean i’d have to let go of a review entirely and destroy my entire schedule while desperatly waiting for the episode to be put back on it, you’d be wrong. Surprisingly the scheduling was annoying but not a huge issue. I simply moved my Lilo and stitch review up a day.

 Granted ironically enough that got delayed as I had a busy day yesterday and didn’t get it finished before I went out, and then passed out not long after getting home. But unlike Disney i’ll not only apologize if that happens but fully own up to the fact I screwed up about it. Yeah as of this time Disney STILL hasn’t apologized for this or what happened next. As of this article this is all that’s up on their  tv animation twitter, i.e. the one place most likely to talk about this.  

So yeah all they had was a shocked face and a “stay tuned yo!” not even an actual rescheduled date and time. In contrast series creator Matt Braly genuinely apologized, and even COVERED for them, saying the episode needed to be fine tuned. As today would bear out that wasn’t true.. BUT I can’t blame a guy for wanting to make fans less upset with his bosses and to try and keep them calm after this level of a curve ball, especially since he was likely the angriest of all of us at Disney pulling this. And ESPECIALLY since it will NOT be airing next week as theirs a marathon thing going on, but instead two weeks from now at the earliest... after a full Season’s build to this. 

So yeah this was a huge fuckup. Given Disney makes these schedules way in advance and had made this one weeks in advance, there was NO good reason to keep this episode off air and none to not premept something else rerunning. YOU MADE ADDS FOR THIS EPISODE AND IT AIRING YESTERDAY. HOW DID YOU NOT CHECK ANYTHING BEFORE FRIDAY. This is fucking inexcusable stuff. You are a multi trillion dollar company, one of the biggest media empires on earth.  This shouldn’t happen. And look i’ve had to deal with a LOT of delays over the past year. Cornoa moved most movies back a year. Even completed ones. I’m still waiting on Free Guy and Bob’s Burgers: The Movie despite both clearly being done. But given the pandemic, theaters being a no go and streaming not having been seen as a viable alternative yet for distrubutors or rental, it is now, they had no real choice. 

This is not that. This is you making some sort of computer error and somehow not seeing it till it was too late. That was preventable. That should be something your past by now. We should not have to wait two whole weeks because you fucked up. You have TONS of reruns in the schedule, move something around for fucks sake! 

Oh and it got MORE fucking embarssing today because the episode LEAKED. Yeah. That happened too. I have not watched it. I’ve read spoilers because I ran into some while trying to figure out how the episode leaked and if it was kosher to watch it. 

It’s not though: Matt Braly asked all of us in a tweet not to watch it. And I will say this: If you DID and weren’t aware of said tweet when you did.. you are okay. You didn’t know, and you were just pissed off and frustrated and like me when I was going to before reading that, figured “Fuck Disney, they really screwed up. “ And while that’s still true.. i’m not going to punish Matt Braly for thier fuck up by watching his work before he wants me to. This leak, on itunes for the record, was not his fault, this scheduling error was not his fault, and he is clearly at a breaking point here. The guy seems like a genuinely nice, kind compasionate person who gladly supports us the fans, and really loves making this show and has given me hours of wonderful television through it. The least I can do is wait two weeks to watch the episode in full and get context for what I read and avoid any other spoilers. He’s earned it and he’s also even deleted a tweet RIGHTFULLY expressing frustration just so it won’t risk his or his crew’s livelehoods or the possiblity of finishing the story. 

So yeah obviously I won’t be reviewing it till it comes out in hopefully two weeks. As I said my schedule is flexable enough, up until the last week of the month as that’S Goofy Week, hyuck, that I can just rearrange episodes. And while i’m certainly not THANKING Disney for this, their bullshit does mean i’ll be able to do the Danny Phantom episode Materinal Instincts in time for Mother’s Day. So some good came out of this but not enough.

This is one of the most ABJECTLY EMBARASSING, dickish and stupid things i’ve seen a compnay do. That i’ve seen THIS company do. The only things I can think of WORSE from Modern Disney are:

The corproate culture of homphobia: Not letting Penumbra just come out and say she’s gay, fighting back against most representation, with Owl house being such a victory because not only did it happen , not only was it the lead btu Dana Terrace fought tooth and claw to get it through and have a bisexual lead with a female love intrest and have it be explicit, and hiding the fact Out, a short CENTERED around a gay character’s struggles coming out, is about a gay man despite the fact it opens with a gay space cat riding a gay space dog out of a rainbow and we learn the character is queer within a minute of the film

The filming of the Mulan Remake in a region of china that has RELIGOUS CONCENTRATION CAMPS, caring more about getting a funding bonus and the film’s chinese box office than basic human denceny.

Disney is a company I DO love. I woudln’t write about their stuff so much on this blog if I didn’t. But their also a company that frustrates me to no end, time and time again making dumb selfish decisions and now they’ve outright hurt one of their creators. They’ve hurt his work by delaying it, they’ve hurt his fans and they’ve hurt the show’s reputation by claming an episode would air and then withdrawing it because THEY fucked up. Sure most of US, the older fans on here will know.. but the kids watching won’t and that could damage the show in the long run. So yeah, fuck this whole situation, hopefully i’ll review te episode in a few weeks. 

[seyaryminamoto]

Masterpost: answering a single anon in a single post

So. I wasn’t going to answer asks today but frankly, considering what I should be writing I’d rather answer asks, might actually get a laugh out of it. Most of all, because of what I intend to answer here.

To spare y’all from the pain and annoyance of having to read through any of my answers to we-know-who, I’m going to do it differently this time. All in one post. Because frankly, filling my blog with their TWENTY asks, no less (and it’s official this time, used to be sixteen but then I reblogged that post about conflict in stories and they went wild, as usual) isn’t worth anyone’s time. Hell, it’s not even worth mine, but procrastination is overpowering.

Here we go. If you’re not the anon in question and still want to read this, I hope you have fun.

This is a free world. That means multiple things some people can’t seem to accept. One such thing is that people have no obligation to even interact with each other, let alone to do what others demand of them, especially when they don’t want to. The fact is, being harassed (because, yes, there’s no other word for it) by someone has been a pretty irritating and stressful thing for me, to the point where it has impacted my ability to write...

And the harasser doesn’t give a single fuck about it and just keeps going :’)

With such introduction, I decide to engage my least favorite person in this site once again because clearly, ignoring them, blocking them, closing asks, deleting and rewriting reviews, is still not enough to get across the message that reiterating an opinion a million times doesn’t automatically make it more valid. So let’s see just what’s going on with this very much desperate person who apparently can’t stop seeking my attention:

First of all, I asked this person, point-blank, to address their asks, if they would continue sending them, to my main blog. Let’s see how that request turned out:

Oh my, astonishing! They sent it to Gladiator’s blog instead! And what a bigger shock: they’re, as usual, trying to control and direct what I write and how I write it. While sprinkling empty compliments that don’t mean a thing, such as claiming RESPECT for me and my work when every single ask they’ve sent is an outright disrespectful act against me, considering how many times I’ve requested, directly, that they stop this, and how many times they’ve ignored me. It even is extra poignant considering my request for them to send asks to my main blog instead, and yet they deliberately sent it to Gladiator’s blog. This is what RESPECT looks like, in this anon’s head. Fascinating stuff, isn’t it?

And then comes the mad onslaught that left me facedesking for days:

... I mean. Can someone please read this and tell me the person on the other side, with their vague condition, whatever it may be, has any idea what an apology even MEANS? 

For someone who’s so obsessed with alleged consistency, you’re damn bad at it yourself, Anon. You can’t send four asks in a row, to the WRONG BLOG, demanding for explanations you don’t even care to read, because every single time I’ve taken your whining seriously you’ve disregarded all my responses and gone right back to the same BS as before, and THEN pretend you’re here TO APOLOGIZE.

You don’t feel any remorse. To this day, you don’t even KNOW what you did wrong. This is NOT expressing yourself: THIS IS HARASSMENT. Need me to define the word for you to understand what it means, seeing as it’s becoming abundantly clear your reading and interpretation skills are not the greatest?

Definitions of harassment:

1. (n) the act of tormenting by continued persistent attacks and criticism 2. (n)  a feeling of intense annoyance caused by being tormented

I’ve said it before: PEOPLE HAVE HAD COMPLAINTS ABOUT THIS STORY, FAR MORE VALID THAN YOURS, AND I’VE NEVER REACTED THIS WAY. Care to guess why?

Because you NEVER stop. Because you keep going, constantly, never slowing down to think YOUR behavior is affecting a REAL LIFE HUMAN BEING. You’re obsessing over what happens in a fictional story that, by the way, is a fanfic, ergo, it obeys certain rules that general fiction does not. Among such rules is abiding by ORIGINAL characterization to a certain extent, and that means, hahaha, that Azula ISN’T an experienced character in any social or romantic situations because she ISN’T in canon, and there was no reason to change that, especially considering the worldbuilding I crafted, which makes it CRUCIAL for Azula to be careful with her virtue, despite she doesn’t want to be and realizes the whole notion of female virginal purity is absolute BULLSHIT.

But why am I explaining anything anyway? You won’t understand it, because you don’t want to. You claim, constantly, that you’re asking things OUT OF CURIOSITY, as if that makes ANYTHING better, when the truth is you’re just here to impose your cursed opinions on everyone else, especially me, and pretend you somehow own this fic and ship and your demands mean more than anyone else’s. Meanwhile, oh, I understand you PERFECTLY: you don’t want Sokka to ever have any experiences with any other women because you only believe in pure, untainted love of virgins who wait for each other and don’t ever make mistakes or are forced into unwanted situations. Because, again, you can’t understand that those sorts of things CAN happen. Because you don’t see there’s nuance to human beings, nuance I attempt to capture through my characters too.

I said it semi-jokingly, back in my past answers, now I say it directly: IF YOU CAN’T STOMACH THESE SITUATIONS AND CAN’T ACCEPT THEM, THIS STORY IS NOT FOR YOU.

An M-rated story doesn’t owe you any apologies for being what it is. An M-rated story, at the end of the day, is a STORY. You are a human being who should be capable of controlling not only your impulses but your reactions to things, at least to some degree, and yet you refuse to. You, in fact, continue to prove you CAN’T control yourself in the least because hey, just now, halfway through writing this post? I got THREE MORE ASKS by you. No less than three. And you finished them off, again, with a pretense that you’re going to stop pestering me...

... But hey. You said that at the end of the last ask I pasted up there. Hmm. And yet...

You came back, over and over and over again? :’)

RIGHT ON ALL ACCOUNTS! So... how do TWENTY ASKS, after claims that you’d finally stop, count as “regret”? You’re not changing at all, anon, because YOU DON’T WANT TO. You don’t, to this day, see what you did wrong. You don’t get it. And you won’t get it. So how about we just keep going with the next four?

Oh! But hey, you actually switched blogs this time. Super sweet of you to finally listen to ONE thing I said. Very nice.

I’ll just point out: I received the last NINE asks I’ve pasted here in a SINGLE DAY.

Nine. In one day.

I only ever got that many asks in a single go during review parties (admittedly, there were more than that, but still). The fact that you felt the need to send me NINE ASKS, to beg for forgiveness with a completely dishonest apology, is all the proof of harassment anyone could possibly ask for, right? If you weren’t an anon and at least had the GUTS to own up to your opinions, which you seem to consider absolutely sacred and completely correct, you’d have never gotten away with this. Ergo why you don’t have those guts, and why you keep sending anon reviews and asks too.

The fact that you’re so obsessed with this problem, to the point of believing Sokka’s best sex was with JUNE? We’ve literally finished an entire arc of Sokka and Azula banging across the Fire Nation with no restraint, with the two of them repeatedly remarking this is the best time they’ve ever had, and you’re so completely obsessed with this problem that you apparently think Sokka angrily fucking someone WHILE DECEIVING HIMSELF INTO THINKING IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE is... better? Are you FOR REAL? Are you seriously THAT BAD at reading?

Please, click here. I can’t even stand it anymore. It’s not even for my own sake but yours. You need it.

Also... you’re projecting so bad. Like, so bad. June’s teasing in that chapter is 100% intended to piss them off. The fact that she starts asking for Azula to lend her her “second boyfriend”, AKA Rui Shi, should tell you just how much stock June puts in what happened between her and Sokka: SHE DOESN’T GIVE A DAMN. She’s honestly more entertained by pissing off Azula as a consequence of it than over the sex she had with Sokka, especially considering she even lost her temper with him after he started apologizing in 28. You’re so completely beside yourself you can’t see ANYTHING clearly?

If you REALLY need it spelled out, no, Sokka wasn’t June’s best sex. June has probably done anyone and everyone she ever wanted to, and chances are she absolutely found someone, or several someones, who actually wanted HER, for HER, just as much as she may have wanted them. And that, you insecure mess of a human being, would absolutely make for a much better lay than what she got with Sokka. Why don’t I outright state this in the story, you’ll ask? Because despite what you may believe, this story ISN’T a love triangle between Azula, Sokka and June! Oh my, the horror! We’ve literally spent 198 chapters building up the story and developing Azula and Sokka’s relationship but the ONE TIME encounter with June apparently makes her that pivotal for your whole existence?

Dude, I literally don’t look at 28 AT ALL these days, because I don’t care to. Because even when I wrote it, it hurt me so bad having written it that I was crazy about getting to everything else so I could put it behind me. Whenever I reference it, I do the same way I reference ANYTHING ELSE. The only person who seems to think I’m doing it to further torture anyone IS YOU. 

And yes, did I just say it hurt me too? Oh, my, what a SHOCKER! The fact is, that scene is only as intense as it is because I literally couldn’t bring myself to write it. It wasn’t until it came to mind that Sokka COULD imagine Azula in June’s place that I finally found the way to do it: it wasn’t just Sokka imagining Azula instead, it was ME. Because if it had been anything else? I wouldn’t have been able to write it at all. I basically wrote it as hatesex Sokkla because I NEEDED to in order to write it. “THEN WHY DID YOU EVEN WRITE IT?!?!?”, you’ll scream, I’m sure: BECAUSE I TREAT MY CHARACTERS AS HUMAN BEINGS WHO MAKE MISTAKES AND DO THINGS THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE. BECAUSE SOKKA WAS IN A DARK PLACE AND DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT AZULA WAS FEELING OR THINKING. BECAUSE AZULA WAS IMPULSIVE AND CONTROLLING AND COULDN’T REALIZE THAT THE MORE SHE TRIED TO FORCE SOKKA TO BEND TO HER WILL, THE MORE HE WOULD TRY TO BREAK FREE.

But all this is clearly too complex for you. Can’t even fathom understanding anything remotely close to characterization and conflict within relationships, no. You’re something else entirely.

And so, we move on to the post-apology Anon: you DO realize that forgiveness is something earned? I mean, it’s kinda funny because Sokka actually earned his own. He spent ages working for it, and even AFTER Azula told him he was forgiven, he still feels so bad about having hurt her that, to this day, he regrets it. Being FORGIVEN was not a condition for him to feel remorse. He regretted his actions because HE KNEW THEY WERE WRONG. Because he’s an actual, decent human being who, when faced with a catastrophic mistake, actually wants to amend it and wishes he had acted differently despite he can’t take anything back anymore.

But you? You can’t even begin to understand what regret means. I guess another dictionary definition would help?

Definitions of regret

1. (v) feel remorse for; feel sorry for; be contrite about

2. (v)  feel sad about the loss or absence of

3. (v)  express with regret

4. (v)  decline formally or politely

5. (n)  sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment

So, your attempts to beg for forgiveness fall completely flat. And I say it in plural, ATTEMPTS, because in case you think I’m daft and forgot your old reviews and asks, I didn’t: THIS ISN’T YOUR FIRST ATTEMPT TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS BULLSHIT. I thought I should clarify that, because heh, you have claimed you won’t come back, you have claimed you’re sorry, you have said many platitudes in the past that actually had no meaning... and I could tell they didn’t, which is why I never answered them. Because there was no way someone who had exhibited such obsessive behavior would actually control themselves and get over their issues after MONTHS of persistent harassment.

And so, you didn’t disappoint, because I had zero expectations that you’d actually abide by your apologies. Empty apologies, again, because to this moment you don’t even know what you did wrong. You don’t get it. To put it in the way I did for someone else who talked to me about this mess:

You could be complaining to me about something else entirely. You could be here, demanding that I explain why I’ve been writing Sokka killing people, for instance. You could be disregarding all sense, reason, historical precedents and what-have-you as to why a warmongering, canonically genocidal nation like the Fire Nation would ever have a system like the Gladiator League and enslave other cultures to do their bidding. 

And if you came back with those complaints PERSISTENTLY, FOR A YEAR, I’D BE JUST AS ANGRY AS I AM NOW.

It’s NOT about the situation you’re throwing a fit over. It’s NOT about me having it out for you. It’s about YOU not knowing limits or boundaries, going as far as you constantly, consistently have, ever seeking to twist my story into whatever warped, fucked up perception you’ve developed over it, without ever slowing down to think that your actions and your behavior are affecting someone else. I’m not just a rambling robot who can’t seem to stop talking or writing or whatever you may think I am: I’m an actual person with a FUCKLOAD of problems, who literally just had the WORST year of her life, and you just decided to continue adding to the pile, never slowing down to consider that your feelings, and your opinions, and your pain, does NOT invalidate other people’s, let alone does it make you EXEMPT of hurting others. Which, heh, if you knew how to read, you could’ve even LEARNED this from Gladiator! :’D 

Because Azula, so hurt as she was, took to hurting Sokka too, in many, many ways. And Sokka, once he understood how wrongly he had judged Azula, simply let her hurt him because he thought he deserved everything she threw at him. Later on? Azula realizes all the pain she caused Sokka COULD have led him to choose the White Lotus over her. She’s in a life-or-death situation, unable to fight back, and the ONLY reason she doesn’t get screwed over and captured by the enemy is because Sokka decides she matters more to him than joining forces with sketchy people who are out for revenge. But what if she’d hurt him more than she had? What if she’d done WORSE than she did? Maybe he would’ve been so hurt too that, at this point, he would’ve chosen the White Lotus and not only abandoned her but handed her over to her nation’s enemies! :’) oh, the horror. Is it really that unthinkable? Why, it’s not to me. And why not? Because if Azula had been as unforgiving and unyielding as you are, if she had been so obsessive over whatever caused her pain and refused to move on... this story would SUCK. BADLY.

Makes you wonder what that says about your mentality, doesn’t it?

Alas, after all this digression as to why your behavior is absolutely appalling to me, let’s see what you did indeed, right after your absolutely shallow apology that was obviously not sincere, because you don’t regret having bothered me at all, you just regret that I won’t abide by your whining...

Is THIS what an apologetic, remorseful person looks like? Really, now? Honestly, if Sokka were half as bad as you are, he would’ve slept with half the Fire Nation by now while constantly coming back to Azula like “Oh woops did it again, sorry!”

Yes, I can honestly make the link pretty easily. Must be why you keep assuming he’ll ever be with someone else, because if you were in his place, you would do exactly that :’) beautiful how things just come full circle, isn’t it?

That ask came as a response to another, potentially ill-intended one, potentially sent by you too. An ask I answered with a whole list of unique things Sokka has done for Azula. Not only did you NOT understand the list’s purpose despite you may have even been the one to ask for it... but you took a line directly referencing OBVIOUS events like chapters 64, 69 and 93, moments in which Azula either put a stop to opportunities where she and Sokka might have ended up going too far, and he accepted it without complaint... or Sokka himself put a stop to them, KNOWING that Azula would be taking a huge risk if she gave herself to him completely as she does from 97 onwards. That you literally took something that was SO VERY OBVIOUS, and twisted it into chapter 28 again speaks LENGTHS of how absolutely messed up your perception and interpretation of this whole story is. You have issues. Serious issues. And I’m not saying this just to be an ass, I’m saying it because it’s clear as day that if you CAN’T stop linking absolutely everything I say or do to chapter 28, whether it’s being referenced or not (and in this case, it was NOT), the problem isn’t me, IT’S YOU.

And here we go again. You are actually trying to POLICE the Sokkla fandom at this point? An ANON? And hey, you returned to the Gladiator blog! Which means you were so pissed that I didn’t answer your previous asks and your phony apology because I KNEW you’d come back that even your teeny, tiny behavioral correction was pulled back because you were MAD. And you HAD TO MAKE YOUR OPINIONS KNOWN, AGAIN.

Do tell, are you the same ass who harassed a pretty new friend I’ve made in this fandom? An honestly solid writer who happens to feature Sokka having other, prior relationships to Azula because, haha, if you work with CANON settings, that’s basically guaranteed since Sokka already has canon relationships before even knowing Azula exists? And then, even if in those experiences Sokka ends up going “... I bet it’d be better with Azula”, you STILL take this as a slight and you consider it a reason to go around harassing writers and potentially even THREATENING to report their content because you’re mad that Sokka isn’t exclusively Azula’s in every single story you pick up?

The worst part is, I actually wrote at least 2 stories in my Saturdays’ oneshots where Azula and Sokka are each other’s first everything, absolutely so. And I got nothing from you for it, not even a teeny tiny “HEY THANK YOU YOU FINALLY WROTE WHAT I WANTED TO SEE!”. No, you only come out of your hole to ATTACK writers. To tell us what to do when you think we’re not doing it right. As if you had the SLIGHTEST right to tell ANYONE what to do.

I literally have been here for EIGHT YEARS. I’ve been creating content for this ship for that long, when nobody else was anymore. I won’t take credit for the ship’s rise in popularity, despite yes, it’s far from a major ship no matter how far we’ve come... but my story didn’t reach the heights it has out of sheer dumb luck. I worked my ass off with Gladiator in every way I could to make it a story of the scope and depth it deserved to be, and the fact that people who didn’t even ship Sokkla were interested in reading the story all the same has always been something I take pride on. A ton of multishippers read this story, and support Sokkla too: neither you nor ANYONE has any right to demand or claim or pretend that someone else has no right to be part of this fandom or to set guidelines as to what their content should be. There’s LITERAL stories out there of Sokka having a goddamn HAREM, just so you know, with Azula included amongst the women involved in it... and you’re here, throwing a fit over people featuring Sokka having one-time encounters and brief relationships with other girls before committing completely to Azula.

I’ve been here, working my ass off for Sokkla, not only in writing but literally developing my art skills to the best of my ability so I could ONE DAY create the visuals and images these two evoked for me... 

And yet I don’t feel I have any right to tell ANYONE how to make their content. 

If there was a set number of words in fics or artworks someone needed to make for a ship to prove themselves worthy of obtaining the skill of GATEKEEPING, I am 100% positive I have more than outdone that limit.

And yet I DON’T play gatekeeper. I NEVER have, and I NEVER will. People can create whatever they want to create, whether I enjoy it or not is up to me, and if I DON’T enjoy it, I DON’T read it. If there’s Sokkla content out there I can’t even STOMACH? I would ignore it and move on with my life. You? You make it your whole life’s crusade to attack people over anything that tickles you wrong. That’s how it works, isn’t it?

Unless you’re planning on pulling a Scooby-Doo-esque twist where you remove your mask and reveal you were a known Sokkla fan and content creator all along, which I find ABSOLUTELY unlikely, then this means you haven’t done anything, ANYTHING, for this fandom beyond sending anonymous harassment to people who are actually taking time out of their lives to create content for this ship. The main reaction I’ve seen at you from ANY of us, whether anons like yourself or actual content creators like myself, is that you have too much time on your hands and need a better hobby. And I agree, completely.

So, where people like me and my fellow Sokkla creators are actually making content that convinces people, if not to ship it, to at least CONSIDER this ship a possibility... you’re out there, in hiding, pretending you have any right to tell us what to do and going ignored on most accounts. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: if I had any respect for someone, and they either stopped responding to me or started responding by telling me to leave them alone, I’d feel like such stain of garbage I’d never even try to interact with them again. While people absolutely can be different and react differently to things... I can’t see how, exactly, you have any respect for me when knowing you’re a problem for me has never stopped you and most likely never will.

I’ll admit, this one actually made me laugh. Like... you’re seriously trying to tell me that a sex scene was way too good and that’s why I have to change it. I actually disagree on every account, because the last time I revisited 28 I thought the scene was absolutely distant from my best work? I’ve written soooo much smut recently and literally any of those scenes kicks 28 out of any “best smut” contest by MILES. But... heh. This one, apparently, was too good.

I mean... thank you? For telling me that my smut skills are apparently that great they need to be toned down? Fascinating, really.

But again, “it sadly seems to be a too late to write chapter 28″. Sadly?

SADLY?

You can stick your sadness up where the sun doesn’t shine, dude: 

SOMEONE WHO THREW SUCH A FIT OVER THEIR REVIEWS BEING REWRITTEN SHOULD

NEVER

TELL SOMEONE ELSE THAT IT’S TOO BAD THEY CAN’T REWRITE ANY OF THEIR CONTENT.

EVER

You can’t pretend, again, that you were EVER sorry for ANY of what you did... while still trying to tell someone they should rewrite their content. Honest to gods, you’re an asshole. You are. And if you think I’m one too, great, I own up to it gladly. But you’re the one willingly intoxicating their brain with my content, only to consistently go MAD over it, and then unleash this kind of illogical nonsense right back at me. I know art can generate a myriad of responses, but I am NOT responsible for your immaturity and inability to handle serious subjects and topics that SHOULD MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. If you don’t KNOW how to deal with the fact that there’s a lot of questionable, dislikeable things in this world, then my damn story is the least of your concerns because you’re well on your way to leading a VERY miserable life, Anon. Better get ready for it, will you?

And again, the Gladiator blog. Again, pretending to be well-mannered, and also, again, using the world “sadly”, same as the ask above. Like... man, what on earth is wrong with you. Are you seriously this masochistic? Do you also drink arsenic for sport? What on EARTH brings you the belief that asking how far or how much was done between Sokka and his previous one-night-stands would help you IN ANY WAY, WHATSOEVER? 

I think I’ll answer that question, for once, with actual quotes, taken right from some of your favorite chapters, no less:

"When you and Ruon Jian got married, was he…?" she asked. Mai only raised a confused eyebrow, and Azula had the distinct feeling that Mai knew what she was talking about, but would force her to blurt it out anyways. She sighed: "A virgin."

Ty Lee's hands flew to her mouth as Mai raised her eyebrows. To Azula's astonishment, she merely shrugged.

"I don't know. I never asked," she said. Azula snorted.

"Then you're smarter than me. By far," she grunted. Mai smirked.

And as things digress there into Azula explaining what happened, let’s skip that and go straight to Mai’s direct answer:

"I've never asked Ruon Jian about whether or not he had anything serious with other girls before me because I seriously don't care," said Mai. "If I knew about it, I'd probably have a bout of jealousy like yours, I suppose… but it's in his past, and he left them behind to make me his present and his future. So, whatever he might have experienced before, with however many women there were, isn't something I'm overly concerned about."

"You're awfully mature compared to me if that's the case," said Azula, slipping her fingers through her hair again. Mai smirked.

"You've been complimenting me quite a lot today, Azula, that's not like you…"

"Shut up," Azula grunted. Mai chuckled.

:’) 

This is the only answer this ask warrants. The fact that you’re so immature and so obsessed as to want to know more about what happened with something you HATE is completely cringeworthy and absurd. If you want to get angry imagining Sokka having wild sex with every woman who crosses his path, go ahead and do it, but do us both a favor and torture yourself, and yourself alone, with those thoughts rather than coming back TWENTY TIMES to my inbox looking for MORE reasons to get angry. You’re honestly unbelievable.

You know, that reading comprehension site I linked up there? Courses, 20% off! Seriously, perfect fit for you. You need it, direly.

Like... how can someone read a story built on the premise of Azula literally defeating Sokka painfully in battle to the point he’s left unable to move, taking Sokka away from home, turning him into a slave, being objectively responsible for the WORST TWO YEARS OF HIS LIFE... and then come to my inbox asking if Azula will ever hurt Sokka?

Dude, you’re off the deep end. You can’t even pretend you have a grasp on reality if you SERIOUSLY THINK Azula has NEVER hurt Sokka. Like, seriously, it feels like you’re reading this truncated version of Gladiator that’s only chapters 28, 111, 112 and perhaps 123? Is that what’s going on?

I’ve had Sokka and Azula arguing over ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, whether for humorous or for serious purposes, since the very beginning of the story. Their first serious falling out is LITERALLY caused by the direct conflict of their worldviews clashing in chapter 12. Their second falling out was indeed caused by women: by Azula’s discovery that Sokka didn’t want to fight women, which of course, doesn’t bother you in the least because you and I both know that’s NOT what your problem was.

I could literally run through the whole story listing every single argument they’ve had, every single time they’ve hurt each other if that’s what you want: their first time? It literally comes from a very serious argument where Sokka believed he had reached the pinnacle of his potential as a fighter and feared Azula would need someone else to achieve her goals instead of him.

AND YOU’RE SERIOUSLY HERE ASKING IF THEY’LL EVER ARGUE OVER ANYTHING ELSE.

You don’t read this story. This ask absolutely proved it to me. You only read chapter 28 and everything potentially connected to Sokka having anything with other women. You don’t CARE about anything else, simply. Because if anything actually had ANY impact on you? You’d say something about it. But the only thing that touches your weird heart is Sokka sleeping with anyone else or having any potentially romantic interactions with someone else, whether he rejects them or not. 

You don’t care about Gladiator. You only care about your ego, and the validation of your worldview and puritanic morals.

And to that I say, fuck that noise. I write whatever the hell I want to write, and you’re not going to rope me into playing it safe just to please insecure harassers who don’t know boundaries and are completely incapable of empathizing with anyone while demanding everyone should understand their feelings.

Final note on this matter: you, also, have no idea what love is. You plain and simple don’t understand it. You’re even more confused by what love should be than Azula was at the start of this story. You don’t get it, AT ALL.

All you want is for them to get even on things? You literally asked me, when I was in my angry spree of deleting your bullshit, to make Azula and her future husband have happy consensual quality sex with who knows how many orgasms... because it was only fair!

AGAIN: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND LOVE IN THE LEAST.

If you think love is about getting even, you’re seriously an asshole. If you think love is about both people being 100% equal in social regards and experiences, you don’t even UNDERSTAND human relations. Do you live in a bubble, by any chance? Maybe you do! You must have zero contact with anyone other than people with your same puritanic beliefs, right? So that means you assume everyone who’s different from you is fundamentally a bad person? I take it?

Like... literally at this point I think you’d hear about someone who was abused in their childhood, molested, and your reaction would simply be “Oh wow I hope someone molests whoever they end up marrying too, so that way they may be even in the future and been molested by the exact same number of people, otherwise it’s not really love”.

This is fucking sick. I’m not holding back at this point, it’s SICK. It’s TWISTED. It’s VILE. Your mentality is absolutely repulsive to me. You don’t know what love is, and you have the most literal, obvious change to understand it better by reading this story properly, but instead you just read chapter 28 over and over and over again, isn’t that right?

And here’s the evidence of that. You really want me to answer that last question?

No, it doesn’t bug me to read that AT ALL. Because unlike you? I don’t obsessively reread 28 while disregarding everything else in the story. Unlike you, I don’t revisit the chapter every day to pick apart every line to look for reasons to get extra angry at those developments.

Most of us, when faced with things we DON’T like in fiction? We move past it. You, instead, dig yourself into a hole and continue digging, and then pretend to hold other people responsible for whatever impact this may be having on your psyche. Because yes, you’re holding me responsible for whatever trauma or insecurity this is awakening inside you when you continue to pester me as you have: if you’re an adult, you should have the tools and brains to determine what is and what isn’t acceptable behavior, as well as to curate your own experiences with media, with fandom, with EVERYTHING to do with these communities. If you choose to look for things to hate instead of things to love, THAT’S ON YOU.

And if you’re allegedly looking for things to love but can’t find ANY that suit your purposes (which... is bullshit. Clearly, your only priority is “Sokka must be a virgin who never had anything with anyone else”, and such stories DO exist, which I guarantee considering I’ve written at least THREE of them, where it’s absolutely stated that Sokka’s first and only one is Azula)...

Well, it’s funny. Because when I got here? I was looking for some very specific fics so I could explore whether or not Sokkla made any sense. And I didn’t find them.

Which resulted...

... In me writing the very stories I wanted to see.

Oh, my. Imagine taking your impulses and channeling them into something productive rather than looking for reasons to get angry 24/7! Must be such a NOVEL CONCEPT for you!

Seriously, you have no right to dictate what anyone does. Again, worth bringing up because you INSIST on the rewriting matter. Even if you’re claiming you’re done asking for it, you somehow KEEP bringing it up. And then you act like me mentioning 28′s events here or there in the story is absolutely outrageous... but you just go right on ahead and do the same thing yourself, don’t you? Funny how much of a hypocrite you really are, isn’t it?

The fact that you’re bringing up something I have NEVER written, and have NO INTENTIONS of ever writing, as some sort of stupid, ridiculous argument to be made AGAINST the post I literally reblogged TODAY... is just absurd beyond belief.

The fact that I ever even wrote Sokka cheating on Suki with Azula, which I DID, still bothers me. Because yes, it made for a good story, but the truth is, it doesn’t sit well with me. It worked in The Reason, worked in my collab story with a friend, but it doesn’t mean I feel 100% happy with that choice. Even if the cheating only amounted to a kiss in The Reason, and then a lot worse than just that in the other story, it’s still not cool! :’) I know this!

... And yet no one, NO ONE, has ever caught me writing Sokka cheating on Azula. In fact, when my collab story with my friend seemed to start moving towards that angle I BEGGED her not to do it, and then she didn’t, and my heart was deeply relieved and blissful for it. Because not only did it mean we wouldn’t have to deal with the very controversial and unsettling notion of someone in a good relationship cheating on their significant other... but because in that story, it also showed how much he had grown, and how he was truly devoted to Azula despite he hadn’t been to Suki.

But alas, I have my qualms with that concept, of course I do. And I don’t like it. Ergo, I’ll never write it.

Which begs the question as to WHY, exactly, you’re so obsessed with the notion of Sokka cheating on Azula? Like... do you get off on it? Are you wanking at the idea of Sokka and June every single night and then wake up feeling like crap and then take it out on me, by any chance? Is that what’s going on? Because I’m seriously starting to believe it is.

You clearly don’t understand anything about storytelling, which is probably why you don’t have the guts to create your own content in the first place. But the fact that I reblog a post about how conflict in a story is GOOD, and your first thought is “THEN THAT MEANS YOU APPROVE OF SOKKA CHEATING!” actually says A LOT MORE about you than it says about me. You need help. Clearly, the therapy site I was sending you to the last time wasn’t much good, was it? I guess you just ignored it in the end. Hopefully the reading comprehension one will suit you better, right?

Fuck you, seriously, for coming to someone who has been working this hard for this long, for a ship that they’re completely devoted to, to spout this kind of senseless shit. To think you seriously ever believed I’d accept your half-assed apologies when you’ve been doing this sort of bullshit for this long... you’re a piece of work. If you have the time to write that BULLSHIT into my inbox, at the very least use that time to look INWARD and ponder just what your damn problem is, resolve it on your own, AND LEAVE ME THE HELL OUT OF IT. Someone as immature and unstable as you has no business reading M-rated fiction, and I honestly rue the day you ever clicked my story. Both your life and mine would be countless times better if you simply had scrolled past it.

And on and on we went today. The THREE MORE ASKS that arrived as I was typing this insanely long response. Which resulted in you bumping the total, successfully, to 20. MIGHTY NICE OF YOU TO PROVE ME RIGHT! :’)

Now then, getting serious here... I must say your priorities are fucked. Like. Really fucked.

You’d rather Sokka tries to KILL AZULA than have a one-time sexual encounter with someone?

Like... you’re here, condoning VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN to that extent...? :’D and then you... you actually have the balls to whine because apparently him  hurting her feelings is WORSE?!

Are you EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF???

You know, I think I have to offer you some REALLY good advice right now: go watch Naruto. Seriously, all of it. Go watch it, and enjoy your sweet loins’ release once Sasuke and Sakura start trying to kill each other, ONLY TO END UP TOGETHER AT THE END! :’) They were both 100% faithful to each other too, in the sense of Sakura getting depicted as a girl who can’t ever get over the guy she had a crush on when she was 6, no matter if he tries to kill her or her friends once he starts to go off the deep end, and Sasuke getting depicted as a guy who treats everyone like garbage, even the people he loves, because his manpain story somehow validates him being absolutely toxic to everyone he knows, so that’s absolutely up your alley! 100% the love story you’ve been looking for! You’re gonna LOVE IT.

Man, I just can’t believe you. I really can’t believe you. You’re seriously asking me to feature Sokka trying to kill Azula because that’s more acceptable to you. There was a story out there, you know? With Azula basically using Sokka to commit suicide, impaling herself on his sword and dying? You should just go look for that too, perfect fit for you (though it may be gone from the depths of this wretched site by now, which tbh I’d be grateful for, since it was the most unsettling, disturbing read).

Also? Thank you, truly, for all  the remarkably shallow compliments you’ve thrown at me to “soften” your “criticism” (which, again, is whining, not legitimate criticism). Calling me a capable writer is super NICE of you, especially after all these months of persistent harassment and constant repetition that I should rewrite whatever you don’t like. I mean... that’s definitely the way someone treats a capable writer, isn’t that right? 

“The problem isn’t conflict it’s what the conflict is”, the anon says. I’ve been writing a story for 8 years, 198 chapters and counting... and I’ve had a ton of different types of conflicts for Sokka and Azula to deal with. If your problem is “I don’t like this conflict”, FINE. But... hey. There have been THOUSANDS of other sources of conflict across the story, so many I don’t think I can even promise I’d ever take my time to count them all... there’s whole ARCS with conflicts regarding world politics and the war’s consequences and both Azula and Sokka completely changing their worldviews as they realize their realities are soooo much more complicated than they ever knew...!

Ergo. There ARE other conflicts. There are SO MANY of them that there’s no point in even listing it all out.

And yet you are obsessed with the one conflict you didn’t like, outright acting like THIS IS THE ONLY CONFLICT THERE EVER WAS, as proven by that preposterous and mindless “when will Azula ever hurt Sokka” ask. The one development you were pissed at, because it tickled your loins the wrong way. Oh yes, I’m a capable writer, I could’ve done things differently...!

BUT I DIDN’T!

And aren’t you thrilled that I didn’t? You would be a complete nobody in this fandom if this hadn’t happened, because otherwise what would you POSSIBLY have to complain about?! To harass someone about?! You’d be SO BORED! You’d be so unknown, nobody would even be aware of your existence...!

Though.

Wait.

You’re an anon.

You’re unreachable and nobody really knows who you are.

... So never mind, you actually still are a complete nobody in this fandom and your only attempt to even take part in it is to be a negative, irritating presence that literally makes people facepalm, laugh and ridicule you to the extent I and many others have laughed at you.

And yes, that post I reblogged was 100% worth reblogging. Why? Because it hits the nail on the head:

I DIDN’T WRITE 28 SO YOU’D BE HAPPY WITH SOKKA.

I DIDN’T WRITE THAT CHAPTER TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK “OH WOW WHAT A WHOLESOME SITUATION”.

I WROTE IT BECAUSE IT WAS MEANT TO DETONATE CONFLICT AND SPEED UP CHARACTER GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT, WHICH IT DID.

And the thing is? Maybe, in the future, I’ll write other stories, just as I wrote the Saturdays’ stories, and Sokka won’t have either meaningful or worth mentioning encounters with anyone else in them. Maybe I’ll write original fiction, and there won’t be any twists like what happened in 28! 

But you will never get over this.

You will never care about any other content beyond this.

And that’s your failing, not mine.

If you would rather obsess over what makes you angry, that’s on YOU. But I’m damn sure I wrote a pretty reasonable conflict, character-wise, that was not only consistent with characterization but with the slightly darker take of the Avatarverse I’ve been working with. Not only that, but I NEVER skipped the consequences of their actions. I literally had them facing those consequences for whole arcs. Sokka assumed he’d never have a chance to be with Azula and made his peace with it, WITHOUT EVER PRETENDING HIS DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR AZULA WERE ANYTHING THAT ENTITLED HIM TO HER LOVE IN RETURN. But oh, that’s too complex for you to understand, isn’t it? The fact that Sokka actually loves Azula for her, and not for himself, that he devotes himself to her in every imaginable way, that he fights people who dare disrespect her, that he would stop at NOTHING, even coming close to killing someone, to keep her safe despite he’s completely against killing people? That all means NOTHING to you.

And again? THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM. THAT’S YOUR FAILING. THAT YOU’RE SO OBSESSED WITH 28 AND CAN’T MOVE PAST IT IS NOT MY FAULT, IT’S YOURS.

Because I damn right moved past it. I’ve moved so far past it I literally don’t ever THINK about that damn situation until your stupid asks start arriving. Heck, maybe if you didn’t ASK so much about it, I’d stop bringing it up in recent chapters of the story :’) how do you feel about that particular kernel of unexpected information? Maybe you’re impacting the story in a whole shocking manner by inception-ing 28 into my head all the time and that’s why I can’t seem to stop throwing in lines referencing it for you to go completely BONKERS over. How about that? :’)

Say... how exactly do you think this fic is special? Literally all I know is you think I’m a capable writer who can create something perfectly catered for you, and yet ALL the feedback I’ve ever gotten from you is “REWRITE 28 AND EVERYTHING ABOUT SOKKA HAVING ANYTHING WITH OTHER GIRLS I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS I’M GENUINELY CURIOUS THIS IS LEGITIMATE CRITICISM SIGNING OFF BYE”. Your compliments are completely devoid of meaning because they’re literally just a handful of “you’re a good writer” and you don’t even say WHY you think I’m good. You don’t ever come here to tell me how much you enjoyed a certain scene, or how happy you are with a certain development... No.

Because when Sokka and Azula got married? What did I get?

“HOW CAN YOU LET SOKKA AND AZULA GET MARRIED NOW WHEN HE SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE IN CHAPTER 28?!”

I wish I had screenshots for those, but you and I both know the truth, you irksome anon, and the truth is you did exactly that. And with every new development in Shu Jing, I got yet more reviews and ask(s), persistently whining about how UNFAIR it is that now Azula apparently is locked in marriage with this unfaithful man who has been unfaithful to her a grand total number of ZERO TIMES ever since their relationship began! How DARES he even think about marrying her?! Scourge of earth, let’s murder him in cold blood because DEATH IS BETTER THAN CHEATING!!!

If you think highly of Gladiator for ANY REASON, you’ve kept those reasons well and safely tucked away in the depths of your broken heart or shared them with anyone but me. Look at all these asks, damn you, and tell me at what point in time did you convey ANYTHING beyond “why don’t you write what I want you to write?”, huh? Because hell, I don’t see it in any of them. Literally nowhere. No backwards (: emojis are compliments or evidence of how much this story allegedly means to you. All I know is that you hate 28 and everything about it.

And you see...

I don’t give a flying fuck. 

I don’t.

You can hate 28 all you want.

You can hate June.

You can hate Sokka.

It is, INDEED, a free world.

But you have no right, NONE WHATSOEVER, to commit to this level of harassment as you have, for A WHOLE YEAR, and pretend the problem is that I, Seyary, the “evil super-sensitive author who writes Sokka sleeping with other people and doesn’t even break a sweat but then crumbles to pieces when “negative” feedback arrives”, can’t handle your comments properly.

I’ve said it before, damn you: NO ONE NEEDS TO REITERATE THEIR OPINIONS A MILLION TIMES. NO ONE. NOT YOU, NOT THE PEOPLE DEMANDING FOR THE PLOT TO KICK INTO HIGH GEAR, NOT THE ONES WHO THINK THIS SHIP IS GARBAGE, NOT ANYONE.

NO ONE HAS ANY RIGHT OR REASON TO COME BACK PERSISTENTLY THORUGHOUT A YEAR TO HARASS SOMEONE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY’RE TOLD TO STOP IT.

Point being: HATE WHAT YOU WILL! But keep it the fuck off my blog. And if you CAN’T? Get used to these responses. Because you’re going to get them, constantly. I guarantee it.

I know your damn opinion already. I know it by heart and I damn wish I didn’t. You are perfectly free to go read all the other stories where I’ve had Sokka staying faithful to Azula, with Azula being his first, or with Azula being much more experienced and sleeping around while Sokka stays mostly chaste... but you don’t. You come back, every time, to my miserable inbox that must cry every time you show up in it, to make these demands and pretend you have any power over what I should be writing.

Again, no, I have no idea why this story matters to you at all. And at this point? I’d rather NOT know. Because I’m 100% sure the only thing that matters most to you is chapter 28. So you know, go ahead, wank to it again and cry yourself to sleep. It’s kind of fascinating to have written something that has such a visceral emotional impact on a complete and total stranger. Makes it clear I’ve made a lot of progress as a writer if I can fuck up someone’s life to this extent with what I’ve written.

Yeah. Sure. You really think I’ll buy it? You really think this is goodbye? Oh, no, Anon. You can’t stay away. You’ve been told to, you’ve been asked to, but you can’t.

So no, I’m not wishing you good luck back. And I’m certainly not wishing you any fun with my fic, because it’s more than clear that the only source of entertainment it provided you was chapter 28, seeing as it’s the only impactful thing I apparently ever wrote. And someone who’s that obsessed with one of the chapters I most disliked writing despite I knew the plot would benefit from it in the long run simply can’t deserve to have fun. So... good suffering over Gladiator, if anything? Go ahead and continue to wrack your brain while trying to unravel why, oh, why would ANYONE ever write what I wrote and still call themselves a Sokkla shipper?! 

I dunno, maybe go on and write something similar yourself. Could be you’ll finally figure out what your problem is if you take to writing the cheating storylines you’re so very much obsessed with. Only, heh, I can guarantee I’m not touching anything you write, out of principle more than anything. I plain and simple don’t want anything to do with you... but as I don’t intend to close my inbox again, it seems I have no choice, do I?

Good fucking luck sticking to this alleged goodbye... but we both know you’ll be coming back very soon, won’t you? No worries, Anon, I’ll be waiting this time. Let’s see if you can break your 20-ask-streak record next time, shall we? :’)

It’s December 13th, at 2:32 PM, in my location. Let’s see how long it takes you to come back, shall we?

EDIT: I neglected to check constantly so it definitely arrived earlier than this, but officially received a response at least 2 hours after this post went live.

Didn’t I call it? Yep, absolutely called it.

[queerlyhalloween]

Not to sound like the joker™️ but i hate western society. I know that hair and clothes aren't gendered, so do most of my mates, ive been working hard at unlearning the internalized transphobia that's just a part of being trans in the UK and actually ALLOWING myself to think about going on hormones and dressing in ways other than "ambigious as possible" despite the fact im non-binary

i grew myself a little mullet because ive not been working in the pub and wanted solid snake hair, ive allowed myself to look at my face and the long hair around it and not despair because i know that longer hair doesn't make me a woman, but the moment you go into a shop, or get takeaway or pass by people in the street its all "move out the way of this lady!" and "thank you, ma'am"

i dont want the gender option of 'other' on my ID i want to know 1 good reason why gender should be listed on an ID in the 1st place

ive just come back from the range and i had my hair up like some e-thot fuckboy, i had to go BACK to the range because they got my click and collect order wrong so ive got two members of staff looking over my order, im dressed in black jeans and a black masc-looking ripped shirt, mask covering half my face and as the manager's showing the kid who served me the receipt they go "oh I served that guy earlier" and the manager corrects them "its a lady". I say "im niether" and they both just stare at me like im a toddler. Im already panicking because the air feels the same way it did when some cunt came after me in the pub toliets. "dont worry about it :)" i say, they both turn back to the tills and completely ignore me.

Anyway, micro-aggressions, ive experienced a lot of them for many reasons over the course of my life and today ive decided to snap.

Not at the people in the range like, just in general.

I will never pass. That's just an element of trans euphoria i will never get to experience. Not right off the bat, anyway. Not where i live, and most likely not in my lifetime. Maybe for kids in LA or Brighton, and hey power to you guys man im happy for you, but people assume or guess m/f when they look at me and they will never get it right.

So when i see people on this site try and twitter etc rank "who's the most oppressed"™️ like a godamn smash bros tier list it blows my mind because of all the things you could spend your days doing thats what youre expending energy on?!

You could be the exact same age, race, sex, gender, sexuality, you could have the exact same disabilities, mental health conditions and money in your bank as another person on this site and you'd still never understand what they've been through. Our experiences, our families, our morals and lives are always gonna be different and the moment you try to write definitive rules on whose got it worse you've already lost and you're already wrong. Oppressed classes are not a fucking hivemind and pretending they are is only going to cause you more problems. I get the strong sense that some of you looked at the word intersectionality, went "ah yeah, i know what that means" having never read up on the matter, then proceeded to play the pain olympics.

And its creating a culture where kids feel the need to spills their souls online to justify living their lives!

You've not listed your disabilites in your bio so you're able-bodied. You're Irish but haven't listed your race so you're white. You're cis man so you've never played with gender and suffered as a result. You're asexual so clearly you're a cringeworthy baby who's never experienced a wrong-doing in their life.

The reverse is true too, if you list every aspect of yourself then you're automatically honest. The more opressed you are the less likely you are of causing harm to others. Psht, don't have a carrd in this day and age? What are you, a fraud? cishet white man playing make believe? Post a selfie or face the wrath of ozymandaus. What's privacy? It takes me 3 minutes to read the bio on this discourse side-blog so clearly they're an angel.

my mam abused me for years, she did the same to my brother when i left home at 18 and my dad drank himself to death. My nan, his mother, never believed me because my mam's a disabled woman with a lot of trauma, and at 14 how do you explain to the woman who takes you to the beach that it's WORSE because as she's beckoning you to the side of her bed so she can scream point blank in your face, or hit you, you're never truely sure, you're thinking about running away because of course she physically can't chase you but she can throw. And then where would you go if you did buggar off?

"You have to sleep sometimes" she used to say to me when I'd piss her off. Other days she told me horror stories about kids in care, and disabled people having their kids taken away, made me promise that I'd always love her and always be her baby, and I'd do that for her because she's my mam, she'd be satisfied then ignore me for a while. I grew up thinking that was entirely normal until i'd tell funny family stories at school and nobody would laugh. The closest I got to truely running away was when I changed my name and pronouns and her rejection, turned to vitriol one night and I so, so, nearly held a knife to my throat and simply fell forwards in the uni showers. Obviously I didn't do that.

But she's had a shitter life than me thus far so she's in the right, as the online black/white dichotomy states. I keep her at arm's length but I'm unable to cut her away without losing the rest of my family because I dared defy the role of eldest child and care for her as I've done my whole life, as is expected.

we need to take things on a case by case basis, and learn when stuff is none of our business.

"Hey! :) I see you've reclaimed (X) slur, without submitting the proper paperwork. Real quick tell me every trauma you've ever experienced or I'll write a callout post :) delete this anonymous message (as is your right) and i'll assume you as sus ❤"

you can only call yourself a dyke if on your 13th birthday, the moon's tender rays struck you through your bedroom window and gave you your first wet dream about girls.

Great, cool. I have no interest in calling myself a dyke, i cant call myself a lesbian because it makes me dysphoric, thats why im queer, but i can assure you that when 3 kids from catholic school pinned me under the bridge and threatened to cut me open for being a "dirty dyke tramp" they didn't play 20Qs with me first to check that i was actually a lesbian.

if your first thought is "well thats just misdirected homophobia, so youre not ACTUALLY a victim" log the fuck off and consider what's wrong with you. Because all our oppressors care about is sniffing out the wrong on you and beating it out, they dont care what breed of wrong it is.

so you're going to spend your day, the enlightened adult that you are, frothing at the mouth because some 15yr old dared call themselves butch despite them being OnLY a BiSexUAl? You're gonna say that trans woman deserves to be suicidal because yes she may be trans BUT she's from the UK, so clearly she loves her horrid country and government. You're gonna say that black lad deserves racial abuse because he's trying to focus on his studies rather than go to protests. That 19yr old who's living in poverty deserves it because they work for Amazon. Texans deserve to freeze to death because there are republicans in Texas.

You're going to harass a complete stranger coming to terms with the parts of themselves society has taught them are worthless at best because they're not doing it the way YOU think is right.

This post has not ended where I started it but I really dont care:

Some of you are so fucking desperate to be the bullies you never got to be in secondary school and it shows. But you're cowards. You can't just admit you want to divide and concur so you do it in a new woke way and when your time on this earth is done, you'll have commited the same pain that's been dealt to you and wonder why you died miserable in a world thats more or less the same.

okay to reblog but dont @ me for a debate because i have, like, real problems and will just block you

[nightowlfandom]

Kim Taehyung- Amor Fabula~Sound Of Heart (ALSO 200th POST, WEEEE)

Alrighty my friends! Let’s skip the casual talk and hop right into it! Once again this is part of the Amor Fabula Saga over on the @btswriterscorner​ blog.

Bro...life has been kicking my ass and it’s literally killing me on the inside like wow why does Earth hate me right now?...but Ima push that aside to get this deadline done.

Let’s begin. (I felt like changing it up from ‘leggo’)

...

It was foreign to him. He didn’t know what it meant let alone how to feel it. He walls were so high up, they could rival the gates of heaven. No one knew why. What had hurt him to the point where he was so angry at the very idea of love, or even companionship?

You were the opposite. Not only were you in love with the idea of love, but you seemed to attract it in more ways than one. Whether from your friends, or even random strangers. Even if you had none of those things, the word just seemed to radiate off you like heat radiated off the sun.

With all that being said, make no mistake. You weren’t interested in trying to fix a broken man. You already had yourself to worry about. Who were you to try to love a man who hated the word almost as much as he seemed to hate himself? Who was he to fool himself into thinking anyone could care for him?

These are the questions that need to be answered in today’s world.

...

You were walking down the halls of the office building, staring down at your phone. Deleting emails required a whole other level of focus. You could barely muster an audible hello to the front desk woman who seemed to be in her own little world as well.

“Y/N! “ your work friend, Yuna rushed to your side.

“Hm?” you mumbled, looking up from your phone. You lowered the device and put it in your pocket. “What’s up?” You were on your way to the lounge room when she ran up. She looked a hot mess. Hair sticking up in strange places, sweating bullets, and you were sure she had hauled herself over traffic by foot just to tell you the news.

“It’s The chairman’s son!” she managed to get out.

“What about the chairman’s son?” You curiously raised an eyebrow. “Is he in town to tell us that we’re all trash and should be fired?”

“No, not Duke. The youngest one!”

“You mean...Taehyung? His adoptive son, right??” you raised an eyebrow, just to make sure you and her were on the same page. “The chairman has so many children I don’t even keep count.”

“Yes! He’s the new CEO!” she looked both pissed off and absolutely mortified. “ I just saw him fire Rai and Sera in front of everybody!”

“I would think you’d be excited for that. You hate them. “ You huffed, not really seeing what she was on about. “Like last week you were talking about how you wished Sera would literally get hit by a train.”

“Okay but he sent the both of them out crying! Like he was so harsh it wasn’t even funny enough for me to crack a smile.” she explained.

That was when you realized she was absolutely serious. “Wait...The chairman really stepped down?” you paused. “The original chairman, I mean. I thought he was going into-”

“Change of plans.” she knew exactly what you were going to say. “The chairman insisted. Apparently he’s an old man and all his companies need someone to watch over them while he focuses on his retirement. Taehyung was the first person to offer.”

“Yuna, are you for real?” you grabbed her shoulders. “Be serious.”

“Yes!” she nodded quickly. “Taehyung just sent an email that he’s making cuts to every department!” she looked like she was about to freak out. “I can’t get fired! I’ve worked so hard Y/N!”  She looked like she was about to cry and you didn’t like that at all.

“Yuna, calm down! I’m sure the chairman wouldn’t allow that.” you shook your head. “Just because he’s boss now doesn’t mean he can get rid of us.”

“Y/N I love your optimism but you don’t know that for sure.” Yuna looked unsure. “I mean look at us, he’s probably gonna turn this place into a warehouse and just work us all to death! I’m not some kind of puppet! WE’RE GONNA TURN INTO SLUDGE. SLUDGE DOES NOT LOOK GOOD IN HIGH HEELS.”

“Listen, Yuna. I’m not gonna let that daddy’s boy fire you or me. He’ll have to say it to my face before I let him say it to yours.” you seethed.

“Is that so?”

You and Yuna both froze in place.

‘He behind me isn’t he?’ You whispered. She slowly nodded, which made you grumble profanities under your breath. You whipped around and saw the daddy’s boy himself.

“You must be Y/N...you were always my father’s favorite.” he crossed his arms. “I can’t see why.”

“Excuse me?” you put a hand on your hip. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly how it sounds Miss. L/N. My father speaks highly of both you and your friend but from what I’ve seen, those accolades are undeserved and could very much be replaced by those who are more qualified, wouldn’t you say?”

Now you were aware of what was going on. He was trying to rile you up. It was working...but not well enough.

“Well..Mr.Kim.” you sighed, straightening out your shoulders. “ I’m sorry you feel that way.” you bowed respectfully. “I’ll make sure to do better to prove to you that I’m a worthy member of the new team you end up building...Yuna, are you coming?” you went to walk past him, Yuna on your tail.

“I think you made him mad!”

“Good, people like him are better off that way anyways. He might be the new boss but as long we we’re in the same age group, he has no power over me. Fuck his rules.”

“Y/N, you don’t know who Taehyung is do you? Like what he does?”

“Not really and I can’t say I care too much.” you scoffed. ‘Why?”

“Kim Taehyung is the current president of the Lottery division for the government.” Yuna stopped you two from walking. “You know that thing where your parents are in charge of giving you a new husband?”

“Yeah? But I haven’t spoken to my parents in 3 years...you know this.” you narrowed your eyebrows at her. Your parents were a touchy subject and you hated talking about them. “What does that have to do with the anything?”

“If your parents don’t decide...HE does.” she emphasized. “Seriously do you even watch the news?”

“No.” you shook your head. “It’s depressing and stupid.” you huffed. “I don’t exactly follow politic either.”

“Well you need to start. Police officers, corrupt politicians...they got nothing on that guy. He’s the most feared man in this government because the population depends on him. I heard he made his ex who cheated on him marry a convicted felon.”

“Then why would he take the role of CEO for a company that has nothing to do with the government?”

“...So he can see whose life he wants to ruin first...either that, or he’s planning something big and needs a time waster like working for a small company like this one.”

You didn’t flinch...at least not on the outside. Yeah you knew about the Sweep Lottery, you just hated thinking about it. You were hoping you could avoid it until the time came. Guess that plan wasn’t going to work.

...

It wasn’t even half a year with Taehyung as the new head of the company and everyone was already miserable! You all were being worked to the bone and you were positive a few team members had quit. 5 months of being yelled at and ridiculed for no reason other than the fact that he was your boss.

“Who does he think he is!” Yuna snapped. “And we can’t even talk to the chairman! He’s in Hawaii for the weekend.”

“He’s literally going to run what Mr. Kim had worked so hard to build into the ground. I can’t stand him!” another friend, Rina kicked back another shot of who knew what. It definitely wasn’t soju. “I swear if I was allowed to, I’d run him over.”

“You guys I don’t like this anymore than you do but-”

“YOU JERK!” You were cut off when a high-pitched scream ripped through the small restaurant. You, Rina, and Yuna all turned to the commotion. A girl was getting ready to throw a drink at someone, but not just anyone.

“Is that Taehyung?!” Rina managed to get the words out through her drunken hiccups. Rina was right, Taehyung was at the receiving end of all that commotion. He just stood there with a partially amused look on his face as the girl ran off screaming at the top of her lungs.

“How much you guys wanna bet he steals baby kittens in his freetime?” you mumbled. Taehyung must have heard your laughing because he turned towards your group. While you and Rina laughed amongst yourselves, Yuna held up her glass in a ‘cheers’ motion as she also held up the middle finger with her free hand.  He looked as if he genuinely couldn’t care less until his eyes landed on yours. All you could do was make a heartbreak motion with your hands as your turned back towards your friends. Serves him right.

As the night carried on, you and your friends carried on too. You decided you all drank enough for the night as just made time to enjoy yourselves. You couldn’t help but think of what happened earlier with Taehyung though. That girl just technically embarrassed him and he brushed it off. It made you wonder exactly what he was hiding. Or why he didn’t care.

...

You were now sitting at the bar by yourself. Yuna had taken Rina’s drunk ass home and you hung behind just to gather your thoughts to yourself. If Yuna was right. It just made him look like a huge jerk.

“Bet you thought that was funny, did you?”

You turned around and saw Taehyung standing behind you.

“Absolutely.” you replied honestly. “Side splittingly hilarious.” you said in monotone, lifting your drink to your lips. “Let me guess...a girlfriend of yours?”

“I don’t exactly see you here with a boyfriend.” he rolled his eyes. “Can I sit?”

“Relationships are useless in this country. Go ahead.” you sighed. “...sucks doesn’t it?” you giggled.

“Yeah.” he grumbled. “Mind if I drink?”

You figured since you weren’t at work, you could hold off on hating his guts for a while. You handed your full glass over to him. You stared at him as he took a sip of the liquor.  

“Fuck...” he groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Be honest with me, am I an asshole?”

“Yes.” you answered quickly. “A huge festering, fissuring, painfully obvious asshole.”

“Right.” he sighed, sliding the glass over to you. “Figured as such. I can set people up but can’t seem to find myself a mate.”

“Well are you looking for a wife or a baby-maker.” you scoffed, causing him to laugh. “Whatever works for you, I guess.” you shrugged. “You are the one who calls the shots. Someone else could always do it for you.”

“Don’t remind me.” he glared. “Really, don’t.” he hiccuped. “I can’t even talk to a woman without her wanting to kill me. Half the time I’m not even the one doing the Sweep.”

“Like that girl from earlier?”

“No...and she wasn’t my girlfriend either. She threw her drink at me because I appointed her sister to marry boyfriend that apparently was hers.”

“Harsh.” you laughed. “Well, you only have yourself to blame. Taking love and happiness from others must be so tiring you joked.”

You suddenly noticed a lot of people in the bar were glaring potholes into Taehyung’s head. The looks they gave you varied on the pity spectrum. It was easy to see that Taehyung wasn’t the most popular man in town. It must have gave them pleasure seeing that girl throw a drink in his face.

“Well if the people of this country know the rules on government mandated marriage, then they should know what they’re getting themselves into before hand.” he rebutted. “....I overheard you and Yuna talking. You said something about your parents.”

“And the fact that I hate them?” you questioned. “Why?”

“Just wondering why you hate them so much.” he shrugged. “If you want to talk about it.

“...I caught my l mother cheating on my father with a younger man when I was young. My mother cheated on him every week and to an extent I even found her with one of my old high school classmates.” you huffed. “My father ran off with his accountant.” you explained. “Then again they hated each other when they got together.” you laughed. “So much for a loving household. That’s just what the lottery sweep does, right?” you jumped to your feet. “Well, I’m out of here.”

“You’re leaving?” he turned to look at you.

“I don’t exactly have a reason to stay here.” you tilted your head the side.

“The bar or...something else.” he trailed off.

“...Yes.” you replied, not really telling him what you were talking about.

...

To say that you were surprised to see Rina blazing mad. She walked up to you, a red envelope in her hand. However she instantly went from being pissed to absolutely defeated.

“He’s done it.” she quivered in her shoes. She thrust the envelope in your hands. “Read it.” she couldn’t even look at you.

“Um...Okay?” you trailed off, growing very concerned.  “Did he fire you?”

“Even worse...just read.”

“ Rina Hiroka, the government is pleased to announce that you have been chosen from the random computer generated list of all the women in the country. You will be engaged to marry...Sung Robin by this time next year?!- Rina you’re kidding me!”

“It’s right there! I got the envelope at my door this morning!” she began to freak out. “I’m only 22! They can’t do that can they?” she asked, taking the envelope back from you.

“....I don’t know, but I’m gonna find out..” you seethed, suddenly recalling what Yuna had told you about Taehyung. “I’m gonna kill that little daddy’s boy executive.” you turned around, walking away from Rina.

“Y/N?....Where are you going!”

“To take the trash out.”

...

You didn’t even knock on the door before entering the office. 

“Y/N L/N what makes you think you think you can just burst into my office without knocking first?”

“What makes YOU think you can just marry off Rina like she’s a piece of meat to some random?!” you spat. 

“You don’t understand my line of work.” he casually turned back towards his computer. “Go back to work L/N.”

“Well guess what, I DO know your line of work. I understand real fucking well.” you scoffed, shutting the door behind you. “You are reeaalllly fucking sad, you know that?”

You insult caused him to stand to his feet. “What did you just say to me?”

“You heard me! YOU. ARE. SAD. Rina’s 22, she isn’t even out of college yet!” you pointed accusingly. “Yet you’re gonna marry her off? What is wrong with you old ass government creeps. Do you people get off to basically selling young women?”

“Would you be saying this is Rina wasn’t your close friend?” Taehyung laughed harshly. “Hypocrisy is a bad look on you, Y/N.”

“You’re one to talk!” you snapped. “I bet you make sure your friends end up with the girls on their dreams.” you scoffed. 

“Even if I had friends....rules are rules.”

“One, that doesn’t answer my question, and Two, has it ever occured to you that the reason you don’t have friends is because you...hm I don’t know...ruin lives?”

“Like you’re any better!” Taehyung raised his voice even louder. “I bet some of your beliefs are just as fucked up and wrong.”

“...Oh you wanna go there?” you said lowly. “We can go there if you want...I am so ready to go there.”

“Y/N, just listen to me.”

"Don't you understand what you've done!? You've ruined so many lives in the past and you can't even bear to look at yourself because you know just exactly who the hell you are! I'd rather be delusional than a monster who just takes happiness from others despite everyone...and I DO MEAN EVERYONE stating just how fucked up this stupid lotto is! You want to talk about me and my beliefs...at least my beliefs don't come with emotional baggage."

“You don’t think I know that!?” he suddenly snapped. “I know, trust me I do!”

“Then why. you let me know because I’m having trouble seeing your reasoning.” you crossed your arms.

“I do this because my lottery makes sure that infidelity, adultery, all of that bullshit is obliterated.” he responded. “Times had changed since your parent’s lotto rules. My rules establish that all forms of adultery are to be punished.”

“Oh really, adultery? Adultery! There are a lot more things to think about other than adultery.” you mocked. “Does it end there? What about abuse, what about rules that enable child protection,what about rules about the death of a spouse? Did you think about that?”

Taehyung was silent.

“Has it ever occured to you that maybe you are so cynical that the thought of other people’s free will just pisses you off?” you challenged. “You think you’re helping people but in reality you just can’t bear to realize happy marriages exist.”

“Like you’re any better than me? You think you’re so great and pure? Your squeaky clean image with your can-do-no wrong attitude, Y/N.”

“Please.” you scoffed. “If you’re trying to rile me up you’re failing miserably.” you huffed. “You know what, whatever. I’m gonna get your father, also known as the REAL chairman of this company, on the phone and see what he has to say..” you rolled your eyes, beginning to walk past him.

“Y/N wait!” The voice was pleading. It was surprising enough to make you stop. “Please....I’m sorry. But...I just don’t get it...what the hell even is love? Are people just happy? 60% of marriages ended in divorce so obviously whatever was there before...isn’t there five to ten years down the line.”

“That’s a lie.” you looked away.

“....Look at how your parent’s turned out.” he dared to say. You’re glare was harsh, if even possible at this point.

“Listen...You don’t believe in love. I get that. However, is your selfishness really a determining factor in other people’s lives? My family was broken from the beginning.”

“What I want know is why do YOU believe in love. What about this fucking word- this concept is so important to you..” he sighed, walking up to you.

“Why don’t you” you refused to look at him. “Being told who I’m supposed to end up with...tell me Taehyung...would you want that?”

“I’m not the one who has to worry about it.” he said lowly. 

“That doesn’t answer my question.” you found the wits about you to turn around to face him. “Yes or no?”

“...I can’t answer that.”

“Of course you fucking can’t. My parents hated me...they couldn’t stand me, how I was brought into the world. With all of that hate, and resentment in my heart, Love is the only thing I can turn to to keep me sane. My friends love me, my aunts and uncles love me...and yet-” you paused to laugh harshly. “Yet I can’t seek authentic love from someone else? Especially someone who I’m bound to have an ENTIRE ASS CHILD WITH. Love to me...is the closest thing I have to freedom.” you crossed your arms. “And this isn’t freedom...it’s suffocating.” 

“Well good for you...you done?” he feigned boredom, which pissed you off even more. 

“You don’t get it do you?” you said lowly. “And you never will.” you shook your head. “...You know what? I quit!” you yanked off your nametag. You threw it at him, which bounced off his head.

“Y/N! Y/N get back here!” he called after you. 

When you got into the main hallway, you grabbed your purse and made haste for the lobby. Yuna was comforting Rina at the front desk.

“Y/N? Y/N?! Where are you going?” Yuna called after you. 

“I quit.” you mumbled in response, stopping in place. “I can’t work here with him. I just can’t.” you reasoned. 

“So you’re just gonna quit? What are you gonna do?” Rina paused her sobbing session. “I hope you didn’t quit because of me.”

“It isn’t just you.” you shook your head. “It’s him, and his ways on thinking and he-”

“Is walking up right behind you.” Yuna finished. 

“What what I was gonna say, but-AAH!”

You felt something grab your arm and begin to pull you along. Taehyung was walking back in the direction of his office where you came from. 

“Hey! Let me go! This is kidnap! Who do you think you are!?” 

Just like that, you were taken back to his office. You were practically thrown into a chair. “Y’know this defeats the purpose of my quitting if I’m just gonna come right back!” you protested. “What do you want...”

“Teach me how to love.” were his only words. 

“Excuse me?” you raised an eyebrow. “Teach you.”

“Y-yes! Since I’m so heartless and cruel like you think I am so...you’re gonna show me what love is...and how to do it.” his words made you laugh.

“Y-you want me..to show you what love is.” you burst into a fit of laughter. You quickly stopped when you saw he was dead serious. “Oh...you’re being serious?”

“I never kid, Y/N.” he raised an eyebrow. “ Since you seem so intent that I’m just some broken man-”

“I never said you were broken.” you cut him off. 

“You didn’t have to...so you’re going to teach me what love is and if people can really survive with it.” 

“How exactly are we gonna get you to believe in love?”

“We’re gonna get married.”

His words almost made you choke on air. “W-wait! Me and you?! Get married?!” you widened your eyes at his literal proposal. “Hold on a second!”

“We’re gonna live together, sleep in the same bed, and do all the things you’re supposed to do in a marriage and if you can get me to fall in love...and fall hard...then ‘ll get rid of the Sweep Lottery.” 

Now you were interested, not only because you were surprised he had the power to even do that, but because of the deal he was making.

“You have a year.” he didn’t give you time to verify or deny his proposition. “Do you accept?”

“So you really expect to understand the concept of love in 12 months?” you asked honestly. 

“Fine...we’ll be married for two years.” the expression never left his face. “Do you accept?”

You had to marinate on the subject. You have to prove to Taehyung that love was real, in two years. You had to get married to this guy in order to prove a point. Were you that stubborn? Call it selfish, but you were really so desperate to go against this man to prove something. Were you ready to rub such a thing in his face.

“....Bring it on.”

(I meant to post this around 3PM...then life got in the way so you’re getting it at 4:15 as I finish typing)

[thenuanceddebater]

Personal Post: Why I Disappear

Alright. This has been a long time coming. This might be one of the most open, personal, etc. posts that I’ve made on this blog. I’m not going to hide anything (save for some identifying details), and I’m going to go through messy stuff like emotions and whatnot. So, I’m putting it under a read more. Please do not think that you need to read this if you don’t want to. 

When I first started this blog, I was in undergrad and almost failing out. I had some family issues going on with my grandfather (who is now deceased due to what I could charitably call medical malpractice to the point where it helped change a national procedural standard), and I was hurting. I didn’t have many (or really any) friends, and I needed something to vent to. I made an account to shout into the void – to post long content that wouldn’t ever really get popular or any traction whatsoever for my own benefit. I needed a place where I could yell at people and feel smart. I really didn’t think anything would ever happen, or that I’d even get like... 50 followers.  And then my content it kind of... did take off to  a degree. 

I wasn’t really prepared for that, but at the time it was really fun. I’ve got a bit of an obssessive/ addictive personality, and tumblr became an addiction. At first, that was okay. I was involved in the culture-war discourse, but not really taking it any more seriously than I took other things. I had a summer internship during summer 2016 where I would make tumblr posts when I didn’t have enough work to do, and enjoyed talking to some of the friends I made on this platform. Then it got bad. I started disagreeing with people on “my side,” the 2016 election happened and I felt isolated from the left and the right, and the alt-right started to become a real thing on this website. 

Charlottesville is what finally killed it for me. I saw so many people I had at least some respect for trotting out positions that were not only wrong, but odiously wrong. I had acquaintances, classmates, good friends who were affected there. Who were on the ground when it happened. And I know a lot more about Charlottesville than most people on this website. I got sick and tired of having to defend myself, of having people who didn’t know what they were talking about speak back on issues that they did not fully understand. At that point, tumblr became toxic for me. And it’s never really come back. It just took me a while to realize it. 

I deleted the tumblr app from my phone in fall 2017, and it’s never come back. I took what was originally intended to be a 3 month sabbatical from tumblr, and then realized that I didn’t want it back in my life. It had kind of... fulfilled its purpose, and I was on to new things. I got a job, and started studying for law school. Then I got into law school. Tumblr was the last place I made that announcement. I used the fact that I had “gotten busy” as an excuse, but that’s not fully accurate. Yes, I was and am very busy. But if I really wanted to, I could make time to post. Maybe not the pages, upon pages, upon PAGES that I used to. But something. What it really was is that I no longer wanted to. The way this website works, at least on the political side, pushed me away. 

Alright, now a MAJOR confession time. I have a lot of anxiety. As in, diagnosed “I went to therapy for a year to help deal with it” anxiety. I’m not in therapy anymore, and I cope with it pretty well (especially compared to some people I know and have a great deal of respect, love, and admiration for). I’m privileged in that regard. So many people have it worse. But, there are still certain things that trigger an immediate strong anxiety response. One of them is seeing that I have notes that aren’t just reblogs or likes. For some reason, when I see a number above that little lightning bolt (or when I saw the activity tracker go crazy on older tumblr) it just makes my heart start pounding. It’s not that I think I might be wrong. I still welcome correction and critique of my opinions. It’s not that I don’t want people to reblog my stuff, or comment on it. That’s (1) not my choice and (2) absolutely silly. 

It’s more that I’m anxious about how the response is going to make me feel. Some of the angriest I’ve been in recent memory is reading tumblr posts. The angriest I’ve been since the whole... grandfather who was like a father to me died due to medical malpractice thing was when I read a response to a post I made about genocide. The second angriest is when I read a response to a post about Charlottesville. The angriest I’ve been in recent memory is when I read that post that brought me back to the website where people were encouraging others to resist unlawful arrest and citing to a case that was outdated. 

I’m not an angry person. I don’t like annoying myself like that. But for some reason, I just can’t help myself sometimes. The number of times I’ve been annoyed enough to want to respond to something in recent memory is... quite high. Sure, there are times where I come back just because I want to check my messages, see something positive, or a question and then am inspired to write something. But that’s not what it usually is. Not really. It’s usually the educator/ elitist in me who wants to correct something that he sees as wrong. And when that thing is dangerously wrong or disingenuously wrong, well that creates some emotions considering that I like to believe that people operate in good-faith and this website really stretches that belief sometimes. And sometimes I can deal with that, and sometimes it really, really bothers me. 

I’ve also discovered that I really don’t get very much from tumblr. I used to use it as shouting to the void, and as an activity I could do other than just playing video games and procrastinating on my school work. Well, I do a lot of things now. I have a lot of friends now, and more school work and obligations to student organizations, law journals, my summer internships, etc. I used to use tumblr as a way to feel like I was smart. To feel like I mattered and that I could do great things. I have other ways of doing that, as well as a lot more internal self-esteem and external validation of that self-esteem. Back when I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I was a bad person. Now, I know I’m not, and am in fact a pretty good person. Back when I made my tumblr, I had no outlet for the intellectual energy other than my long-term girlfriend and school work. Now, I have so many outlets for that energy, that it’s honestly mindboggling. Oh, and I still have that same now very-long-term girlfriend (just in case anyone was curious. Our ten year anniversary is next year. I’m 25. I’ve been dating this woman for almost 40% of my life. And she’s honestly fucking amazing, brilliant, and I’m so damn lucky to have her.). It’s not like I’m starved for interaction or avenues to pursue anymore. When I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I’d fucked my life up to such a degree that I was never really going to be able to un-fuck it. Now, I’ve shown myself that I was wrong. I was really, really wrong. About a lot of things, but especially that. I’m not the same person as when I made my tumblr. Not at all. And that’s a really good thing. 

But when I go and look at some other people, some other blogs that I used to follow/ still follow (I’m not going to name names), I don’t see that kind of change. I see that they are still the same (or very similar) people. It’s been years. They’re talking about the same things, using the same words, etc. That’s... crazy to me. When I logged on to tumblr this fall and I saw that fucking Charlottesville was somehow still a debate topic, I just about lost it. There’s a post I made that accurately summarizes some of the emotions I felt, but really a lot of it was that this website is Neverland. If you stay here, you likely never grow up. All that happens is that the Wendys, Johns, and Michaels decide that they want to grow-up, and leave to go and do so. So, all that’s left are the Peter Pans and Captain Hooks engaged in constant warfare about the same things for weeks, months, years. And when a Wendy, John, or Michael decides to come back well. Neverland is still the same. Welcoming them back to the same fight that they remember from years ago – from when they were a different person. I don’t know why, but that’s just so damn sad to me. There’s a reason why my old bio said “just a human striving endlessly for the perfection that he can never hope to attain.” Because that’s what I do. And tumblr has kind of an... anathema to that and is antithetical to the concept. 

So, tumblr gives me little to nothing, pisses me off, and its never-changing or evolving nature makes me sad and goes against my very being. So, why come back at all? That’s... a damn good question. Not really sure that I can answer it. I suppose the answer has to be that there’s no good reason to come back, but that I will likely continue to do so anyway. Call me a masochist if you must, but sometimes there’s something that I want to share (or that I think the people who SOMEHOW still follow this dead-ass blog should know), or an idea that I think is useful, or I just so happen to type a “t” on my keyboard and tumblr gets pulled-up and I see something and decide to post on it, etc. and I come back. VERY temporarily. Only until I’m pulled away or driven away again. I think that’ll probably keep happening. At least to some degree. 

Will I ever come “back” like I was in undergrad or the summer before I got my job? I don’t know. Signs point to “no,” but I’ve been wrong before. I’ve been oh so very wrong before. And maybe I’m wrong about what tumblr gives me. Maybe I can have a healthy relationship with this website to the point where the reblogs don’t give me anxiety, and I’m not either sad or angry (to some degree) when I make a response. But right now, I really doubt it. And I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone, but that’s just where I am right now. 

So yeah. I think that’s it. I’ll be around temporarily right now (my internship has really good hours, and I’ve got time in the evenings before I game with friends and talk to my girlfriend to take a look at some things). But come the end of August, I’ll likely be gone again. Maybe even before that. I’m not going to close this blog (because I’ll likely be back again), but content or opinions are never going to be consistent. 

If anyone wants to talk, feel free to message me, send an ask, etc. Seeing as I’ve basically dumped a lot of stuff at once (and broken some of the wall separating “TND” from me as a person) I’m down to answer pretty much anything. 

[toziers]

can you explain what's going on right now? i keep seeing big IT blogs talking about some discourse or something but i have no idea what they're talking about other than it involves you lol

alright i like. i truly do not like having diScOurSE out in public because i’m not one to air out my dirty laundry 24/7 but seeing as how it was brought into public against my will i feel like the least i can do is clear up the situation for those who’ve been seeing the posts. 

i’m putting this under the cut bc it’s long. tws for some biphobia, brief mention of transphobia and, at the end, a rape mention. 

so if you don’t know: hi, i’m migz, i’m an it fandom blogger. its okay, i know, its really cool. part of my shtick here is that i like to turn normal thirst tags into works of art for the sake of comedy. perhaps you’ve seen some of my highlights from my “fhg” tag - perhaps your brain has been spared. either way, it became kind of “my thing” around the third or fourth week (mid nov) of me having this blog. at first, i tagged just about every ask i got mentioning the thirst tags with “bill hader” - they had to do with him, so why not tag him? it would draw more like minded people! about two days into that i got a message asking me to tag my nsfw. i am a big dumb idiot, and apologize for not initially doing it. i havent had a following bigger than like 10 in several years and completely spaced on basic etiquette. so by the end of november i was tagging everything applicable  with “notsfw” and “bill hader”. 

now you’re caught up.

on december 1st i got this message from user billhaderanti:

now i want to start by saying i absolutely was in the wrong here. i didn’t even think about how many people were being subjected to the asks i was getting - especially ones who had no idea they were all jokes. i don’t track the bill hader tag, so it just didn’t even occur to me - that’s ignorance on my part, and to anyone who was subjected to the terrors of me before my tagging system: i am genuinely sorry. i relay the same sentiment in my response, though you can tell i’m on edge.

and they replied:

clearly they Were offended by it but thats.. not the point. at this point, im feeling Really weird about the whole interaction, but still understanding, because again - i GET it. i know my posts are gross - that’s the point. it doesn’t make it excusable, though, which is why i understand why people are offended. so i responded with the only solution i Knew would keep us both safe and happy posting on our own blogs. 

so i thought this would be the end of things! i’d been pretty anxious lately already since i’d started to receive anons telling me i was gross and whore-ish for thirst posting in this way (i delete all of those, so if ur thinking about sending one, i guess no one’s stopping you but it won’t be seeing the light of the dashboard). i’m unsure if it was immediately or a few hours later, seeing as how i have a bad concept of time and the post-dates are right on the edge between nov 30 and dec 1, but i went to their blog - because anyone who has been on the internet knows the opportunity to vague post is near irresistible. and...what do ya know

fair! it’s their blog. however i am an emotionally fragile egg girl and immediately got freaked out. the odds that they were the only one who thought this were low. and, again, i’ve been very open on my blog about how important it is to respect boundaries; my posts are absolutely prone to breaking those boundaries people have created for themselves. 

so i made my own, semi-vague post, letting my following know (and i’m pretty sure i’d answered asks about it before, but this is going to be long enough w/o me searching those up too) that i understood if they wanted to block me or unfollow or whatever - people need to create their own safe spaces. the tension is pretty clear in the tags, i’m not trying to hide that. i felt that the way this woman slid into my dm’s was pretty abrasive (just my opinion/how it made me personally feel) and i let myself be a lil emotional about it in the tags of my post.

alright! maybe this is the end. maybe we both go our separate ways and post happily on our own blogs... except it’s not the end. later in the day (some of this was happening like 1/2am, so now its Day day, i believe - again, not good w time passage lol)

clearly, i’m upset. my groupchat double checked that i didn’t get too emotional in my response - did i mention im anxious about discourse lol - and apparently.. it did the trick. she didn’t message me again. great. it was over. 

at this point, i decided i needed to make an even bigger change. so a few days after i’d calmed down i created an entirely new tag for my thirst posts so if people hadn’t already hidden the notsfw posts or just blocked me outright, they’d have a third option to escape the madness. at this point, id had my blog about 6? weeks, but there were still 2k posts for me to sift through - some of them were completely untagged. i also had to do it post by post, because one of xkits features - the mass re-tagger - was getting blogs deleted for some reason, and i wasn’t going to do that. so i spent a few days going through all 2k+ posts, adding the “fhg” tag. 

YEEHAW! a brand new tagging system, no more hopping into the bill hader tag (minus one or two really funny, not super explicit asks, like the bill hader farquaad meme), and, tbf, i’d completely put this woman out of my mind. i don’t seek out drama and do my best to stay in my lane. yesterday, i checked my activity for the first time in awhile since id put out a couple new original posts that had started to get traction and i Love reading tags. i noticed a mutual had @’d me, and realized i havent checked my @’s in...ever, maybe. i see a post from my good pal billhaderanti. 

since i dont follow them and never check my @’s, i’d completely missed it. however, once i did see it, i was horrified. id gone through all that fucking work to keep my blog My Blog and also respect everyone’s boundaries and it still hadn’t been enough. i’d been awake for almost 24 hours and went. a little crazy. and i didn’t reply immediately because i just had no words. i sent it to my friends because i... i just wasn’t going to be able to figure it out myself. 

there’s a lot to unpack in this post alone, but whatever, i’m gonna put my own grievances with the immaturity of 1. making a callout post to begin with when i’d been nothing but civil 2. making a callout post about something as (in the grand scheme of Life) minor as some tags where i refer to a someone’s genitals as a “whack pack” and 3. making a callout post in such a rude way - aside. at the end, she calls me (and whoever else!) a demonic mlw (man loving woman, we assumed, and then later confirmed with a post further back on her blog). 

which - yeah, we started scrolling. at first we were looking for more vague blogs, and then we just...started finding things. billhaderanti is a self proclaimed lesbian separatist, which... fine. but it’s already pretty clear that this woman hates me on some level simply because i am a bi woman (demonic mlw, remember!) which is just. damn man i can’t believe we are still fighting the biphobic fight lol. so the more we scrolled, the more we uncovered - and not just the biphobic / vaguely mtf transphobic things they posted (or put in tags), but we also found that they had their OWN thirst tags. certainly not as hyperbolically comedic as mine, but they were there, talking about his body and his person the same (and, frankly, a bit creepier for other reasons) as mine. 

there’s one post in particular that snatched my wig in it’s creepiness - and i say creepiness in the sense that it feels personal. like this woman feels like she knows bill to some degree where she can say these things. my tags have always had a sense of distance, as they’re written for humor. and maybe this particular post was written for comedic purposes, but it doesn’t read that way, and if it WAS, then she has no right to call ME out for MY comic tags and posts. 

i’ll let it speak for itself, mostly because i don’t want to read it again. 

i also won’t be going through her blog again to find the posts with biphobic and other Interesting:tm: tags because there are plenty and i just really! want to be done with the whole ordeal! her blog is public and i’m sure you can all find it and look to your heart’s content. 

feeling a bit feral and a bit pissed off now that we knew the depth of how rotten this woman’s vibes were, a couple of my pals made a post or two similar to what my tag’s are like except turned up to eleven (if possible) - and tagged them with “bill hader” (and notsfw!!). yes, a bit childish, but at this point, the entire situation was childish, and making jokes was truly the only way we were going to get through it. another vague post went up on her blog soon after.

talking down to us, calling us children, and then for whatever reason calling us virgins... whatever, weird post. around this time most of us (est) went to bed, because it was nearing 3 or 4 in the morning. 

and then today happened. i woke up fresh and ready for the day after a wonderful 4 hours of sleep and found that jane had made an incredibly intelligent post in response to the situation. i won’t ss it, but i’ll LINK in case you missed it. attached there in the reblog is my own response. i think they can speak for themselves. 

after that, things were kind of jumbled, since i wasn’t online a lot and when i was i was Not checking my activity simply because i was afraid of what i’d see. for the most part, it ended up just being support (which i am very grateful to all of you for - it means a lot that you all enjoy my content to any degree). 

there was some more vague posting from both “““““sides”””””” of the “““““argument”””””” - mostly just people restating the fact that this is a public space and we should All be aware of how we effect others. i still hadn’t heard directly from billhaderanti, so i assumed we’d all be dropping and disengaging and moving on. i still wasn’t blocked, though, so who really knew what would happen. 

eventually, it culminated in this last post. tw for mentions of rape

i’m going to start by saying that 

1. there are nearly no teenagers that were involved in this. im turning 23 in january and most of my friends are 20+. maybe one or two are 19. 

2. none of us sent any sexually violent asks - most of us didn’t send asks at all. i believe one or two of my friends admitted to sending asks however they assured me their nature wasn’t bad; as far as i know, everyone remained civil in whatever went on (again, unclear to me as to what was being sent; no one was actively posting or talking about it. if billhaderanti wishes to elaborate, they can, but i don’t have anything to put in). 

3. before i finish this, i would like to apologize to billhaderanti. as a comedian - not just my stupid tags, i mean in real life, too - i know that humor can hurt. it’s not always funny, it’s not just stupid hahas. sometimes things that are supposed to be jokes just hit people differently and cause bad things. i recognize that. i never meant to trigger you (if you’re reading this) or cause you any severe mental/emotional harm. i apologize for my humor bringing up your trauma, and i never meant for that. regardless of my own thoughts and opinions about the nature of my posts/the thirst tags themselves, they hurt you, and i’m sorry. 

anyway, i’m going to wrap this up (i’m bad at endings, what can i say! steven king and i took the same writer’s class!). if you read all this... sorry. i probably won’t be taking any asks about it, because i find the whole “drama” of this to be stupid and rooted in some seriously biphobic issues this fully grown woman has. 

tldr; i attempted to contain my blog so this woman could exist and function safely on her blog, but it wasn’t enough for her, so she called me out, and then some of the fandom called Her out for being biphobic and mean and overall just immature about the situation. as of now, she’s yet to block me, though her and her wife have blocked a few of my friends. her wife continues to clown on my friends. this post was made for clarity’s sake. the end, i’m getting a drink. 

[sugarycloud]

What Caroline meant to me

Hi. So I haven’t posted in a while, and if I did it was always just fic. Honestly I was planning on never posting on here ever again. I was even for a moment gonna delete everything, cos it felt disrespectful or something to leave all of it up. But I couldn’t, and then I got my blog stats for the week and saw that I’d had over a thousand pageviews, something that hasn’t happened in years. So I felt I had to say something. In case anyone wanted to read it.

Firstly, I am so utterly devastated about Caroline’s death. She was the best person, a beautiful and kind soul, and it’s so tragic and unfair that she thought the only way out was to take her own life. It still doesn’t feel real, and honestly I’m not sure it ever will.

I know there are so many people to blame, the press and the media, and social media, and the CPS. But I don’t want to focus on that, because to me, I’m sad either way, I’m devastated either way. And I don’t have it in me to tunnel all my energy into anger and justice, right now all I have is sadness, deep and complete sadness.

Caroline was so many things to me, she was a crush, and an idol. She was one half of my OTP. She was a person who made me want to believe in myself more, love myself more and give less fucks. She got me into writing. She was the reason I know some of my favourite people in the world. And somehow, she was someone I knew.

I first became a fan of Caroline’s in 2011, like so many of this fandom, because of Carolly, because of Xtra Factor, because, and I still believe this, those two were soulmates, and it was clear as day to all of us.

We watched them and fell in love with them, and they made us so happy, besides when we were yelling at me for being idiots. Caroline was always my favourite out of the two, whether it be because I fancied her and not Olly, or because she had the most infectious personality. She was the type of person I could imagine going to the pub with, someone I’d want to be mates with, because she sparkled.

I started writing fic in 2012 and on it sailed from there, I wrote my last fic in November 2019, seven years of being in her and Olly’s heads, and making up all sorts of happy endings for them. It breaks my heart that they never got one, that Caz never got one.

I first met Caroline on December 1st 2013. She was in a car and she stopped and chatted to me and my friend. The driver kept trying to drive away and she kept telling him to stop. She said she liked my coat, and I got the worst pictures ever. But she was amazing and I was so happy.

I next met her at Viral Tap in 2014. I met Jo and Chris. I gave her a burger necklace(‘Oh my god! This is the best thing anyone’s ever got me! I’m gonna put it on!). We chatted for ages, got much better pictures, and she was so lovely, funny, and genuine.

Then I didn’t see her until during X Factor 2015. I saw her plenty before that, I saw Strictly live, both the actual show and the tour, plus A Night With Olly Murs, and I basically lived at X Factor. But I hadn’t actually met her in a year and a half.

It was her book signing, I was really nervous, she had unfollowed me on Twitter after I drunkenly insulted her boyfriend on there. Course she didn’t remember that. She didn’t remember meeting me before but did after a bit of prompting. We talked about Strictly (‘You won six hundred pounds cos I won Strictly?! *turns to her team* ‘She won 600 pounds cos I won Strictly!) and her book (‘I read it in a day’ ‘What was your favourite bit?’ ‘Any bit with Olly’ ‘Of course’), I kept calling her Caz (‘I love that you call me Caz!) and we took our first selfies. She signed my book ‘Lovely to meet you AGAIN’ and in one for my mum wrote ‘You have a wonderful daughter’.

I saw her at XF soon after that and the first thing she said to me was ‘I’ve met you before!’ before much Olly chat and XF chat and how brilliant she was chat. She always chatted to you like you were her mate, telling us about her mum coming to visit and what Olly got for her birthday(‘A coat and a purse’ ‘What brand?’ ‘Yves Saint Laurent… who needs a boyfriend when you have Olly Murs’) my poor heart could barely handle it.

The weekend of the X Factor final, I got about 5 hours sleep and saw them kiss on the stage, still one of the best weekends of my life.

Next time I saw her was April 2016, outside of BBC, there was 3 of us there and we all talked for ages. I remember saying something, maybe about having met her before, and she went ‘I do know who you are!’, I never worried she didn’t after that. Also thus began the habit of her taking my phone and taking selfies from all the angles whenever I saw her.

Honestly after that it starts to meld together, I served her at work in 2017(‘Oh my god it’s you! I haven’t seen you in ages!’) at her radio show where she was about to get in her car, turned around and saw me and got back out again. There was all the times at Chicago and the one time at stage door for Crazy for You, chatting to her at Aftersun, and even when I was at the back of the room, seeing me, pointing and waving.

The last time I saw her was last year at her River Island launch. It was so nice. There was a big queue to see her and when I got to the front she hugged me and went ‘Hey you’. We were chatting for a while about Olly and how I was seeing Take That a lot right at that moment in time (How many times?’ ‘20’ ’20!!’), I told her I couldn’t afford any of her collection and she went all whispery ‘Don’t worry, I’ll send you some’ (she never actually did but still a very sweet gesture). There was a queue forming behind me so she said she’d catch me a in a bit.

I sat down on the sofa and after a while, she came and sat down next to me (‘Is it just me and a load of Instagrammers?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘Do you know anyone else here?’ ‘No’). We took some more pictures (‘Oh my god the camera on your phone is so good’) and chatted about Love Island and the rest. Eventually I left after the place emptied out and she had to go do some promotion pictures. I can’t believe it’s the last time I ever got to talk to her, I’m so glad it was so good. I have not one bad memory of meeting her and I will treasure every second of it all always.

She wasn’t my friend, but she knew me, she followed me on Twitter and Instagram, and always asked about my work (she always remembered where I worked after I served her) and how I was. She knew me and I knew her. I always used to say ‘We’re not friends but we’re friendly’ when people at work would take the piss and call her my mate.

My work, honestly, have been so understanding. I found out at work, someone took me aside and told me, and took me home. I wasn’t in for 4 days and when I did go back I couldn’t stop crying. I cried on so many people. But they got it, they all got it, how much she meant to me and how much I loved her and cared about her and knew her. They didn’t dismiss it just because she was famous, they understood completely.

Honestly, ever since Caz died, I have never known such kindness and love in all my life. I had about 200 messages from people the night it happened, and people who have been checking how I am every day. I couldn’t sleep for a week, I’m still struggling to eat, and there are so many tears. But having so much support and being surrounded by love has helped so much. I only wish Caz had known how loved she was, I hope she did know, that she was so so loved by so so many. I can’t stop thinking about her family, about Jo and Chris, and her friends, poor poor Lou, and Sam, and Olly. I can’t even imagine how they feel, and I can do nothing but hope beyond anything that eventually they will be ok.

It’s hard as a person who doesn’t believe in heaven or the afterlife to find any solace in this. People find comfort in that, that’s she ‘in a better place’ and ‘at peace now’ and ‘looking down on us’. I get that helps people, but to me, there’s no better place, the place for her was here. And now all we have is memories, and thinking of her sad and alone, and it breaks my heart time and time again.

Caz was an amazing person, she was kind and generous and funny. She had a good word to say about everybody and no matter who you were, treated you just the same. She wore her heart on her sleeve, loved so deeply, felt everything so much. She was one of a kind, a good soul and the most beautiful person, inside and out and this world is a poorer one for her no longer being in it.

So what did Caroline mean to me? She meant the absolute world, and I’m gonna miss her so very very much.

[forestwater87]

Ok this is super embarrassing but you’re one of my favorite writers in this uh.. whatever this blogosphere is so!! I wanna try and take a crack at writing my own fanfic but.. I got no idea where to even start. Any advice?

Oh man, I feel awful about this! I didn’t know my inbox had any new messages, so some of these asks have been sitting here for . . . some time. 

Anyway, first off thank you very much! Secondly, the most obvious advice is just, you know, “do it.” But that’s infinitely easier said than done. I started writing fanfic when I was around 10 years old, so overthinking it wasn’t an issue, since I thought I was the world’s greatest writer. Assuming you’re not 10 years old and as blind to the concept of literary criticism as I was . . . well, the first step is obviously getting an idea. EDIT: Holy shit, this is long. I’m gonna have to break this bad boy up with headers, like it’s a real blog post or something.

Getting Ideas/Inspiration

I don’t know if you already have something you’d like to write about or if you’re still at the “gee that looks like fun” level of fanfic ruminating, but if you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, turning to the existing fandom is a great place to start! 

1: Filling in fandom gaps: I’ve found a lot of my best fic ideas by looking through what already existed and seeing where there was something missing; when I first started writing for Camp Camp, literally only @raenbowsofficial created anything for Gwenvid -- it didn’t even have a ship name yet, and I’m pretty sure the 3 people into it were still throwing “daven” and “gavid” around as well -- so there being zero other fics for it meant that if I wanted it to exist, I’d have to be the one to write it. (That’s also nice if you’re kind of insecure, because when no one else has tried the idea you’re interested in, you have no pressure to compare it to anything else.) 

Also, you could take a popular/already existing concept and write it the way you’d like to see it, if the existing fanfics do something with the story or characters that you’re not thrilled with. That’s handy because it gives you a general blueprint to work off of in terms of tropes and broad story beats, while letting you explore something new. Obviously, don’t rip off someone else’s fic note-for-note, but being inspired by someone else is a great way to kickstart your creativity! If you do have a specific author or story that you’re using as a jumping-off point for your own writing, I would strongly recommend linking them in your author’s notes at the beginning or end of the fic, and maybe gifting the story to them! You don’t have to, since the creation is entirely your own, but it’s still always nice to acknowledge the people who inspire you the most.

2: Fandom inception. If you want to be a little more direct and literal, there’s always the option of writing fanfic of a fanfic or fanart that you really love, if there’s a universe or story idea that you like, and you want more of it. As long as you give credit and notify the original creator, I think you’d have no issues in terms of fanfic etiquette, and I imagine they’d be honored to have inspired your own writing. Fandom is a very collaborative experience, after all, and we’re all in this together! :)

3. For more general “I have a vague idea of what I want to do (the ship, or maybe a tiny plot bunny) but I’m not sure where to go with it,” my biggest recommendation is music. Especially folk indie-rock music, which is 90% angst and 100% haunting. And again, looking at fanfic/art is a great way to get inspired -- I have a tendency to put up a particularly good or emblematic piece of fanart/fic in another window when I’m working on something tricky to write, just for something to stare at when my ideas start running dry (shoutout to @doritofalls, @ellohcee, and the aforementioned RA for being my go-tos when I need to stare at something pretty to feel inspired; there are absolutely others, because this fandom is filled with absurdly talented people, but those 3 are my heroes of inspiration and if you SOMEHOW don’t already know them, fix that immediately). 

Wow, that’s a lot and it’s literally just all about getting an idea . . . which you might already have. Yikes. For the sake of people who have to scroll past this, let’s put the rest under a cut:

Fleshing Out the Idea: An Ode to Outlines

Some people are able to just sit down and write something incredible from a vague idea, and the story just builds on itself without any sort of planning or organization to guide them along the way. These people are named Cipher/Campernetics, and we hate her for being unfairly talented.

For the rest of us, outlines are essential.

My outlines tend to be insanely specific, because I’m very afraid of letting a single idea slip through the cracks, and I build on them over time as I get increasingly sure of where the story’s going. The early outlines tend to be extremely vague, with lots of “and then something happens” connecting major plot points. An example for a current WIP I’m doing right now:

(Seriously, “Julia and everything”? Future Forest is going to be so pissed at current Forest when she reaches that point and realizes she has no idea what she’s doing)

And as the story starts to take shape and a plot eventually forms -- they tend to take at least 10 chapters to materialize, but they do generally show up! One of the great things about fanfiction is that plot is largely optional, though, so no worries if you’re starting without a full story idea -- I find myself writing more and more details down, if for no other reason than that I want to make sure I remember what I was thinking when I finally get to that scene (because I have absolutely gotten to a point in a story and forgotten what I’d had planned. It sucks). Here’s an example from another fic with pretty significant spoilers if you can figure out which one it is oops:

I’d recommend keeping your outlines pretty simple, at least to start with: words and phrases, rather than whole-ass sentences like the above. The complexity will develop as your ideas do, so no need to wrack your brain trying to write out the entire story in bullet form.

I use the bolded ideas as stepping stones, more or less; I’ll write out the piece of the story that each line represents, which can be as little as a sentence or as much as 4 or more chapters (RIP my most recent long-running fic), then delete that line and move on to the next. 

Bolding them isn’t necessary, but it does make it easier to differentiate at a glance what needs to be written. If you keep everything in the same hundred-page Google Doc like I do, this is very important.

Your outline doesn’t have to be well-written, and you can 100% use fillers like “and then something happens here.” I do that all the time -- again, another completely different story:

Now, the vaguer things are, the more annoyed Future You will be when it comes time to write whatever it’s bulleting -- there’s a reason I haven’t updated this fic, and it’s because I have zero idea what the everliving fuck “Pinky-and-the-Brain-ing all over the place” means -- but it’s really good for when you’re first getting started sketching out the vague outline of your fic. The more you panic trying to figure out all the twists and details at the very start, the less likely you’re ever just going to sit down and write the damn thing.

(This might be why I don’t write plot-heavy stories, to be fair. Mystery writers very well might have to have it all planned out from the get-go, and I’d recommend chatting with someone who’s a bit less “coffeeshop AU” and a bit more Agatha Christie for that kind of advice.)

Knowing When to Post

There are people that exist, who have amazing self-control, who can wait until their entire story is written and then release it in sections, at regular intervals, until the story is completed.

I am not one of these people, though I try to be with literally every single fic I’ve ever written.

Personally, I do this until I reach a point where I get stuck and need validation, and then post what I have in a giant chunk and then don’t update it for several months. This is almost universally known as the worst way to write fanfics, both in terms of getting interaction from fans and keeping readers from wanting to kill you, and if you have the ability to write the entire thing and sit on it until it’s ready to be shared, you are a hero.

Alternatively, if you can actually stick to a set schedule of writing it as you go and still update with a new chapter every X days, you are not human and I’m terrified of you, because if you find a way to weaponize this power you will rule the world.

Honestly, a good rule of thumb? Post it when you’re ready for people to read it, whether it’s done or not. Not all works will get done, and it seems mean to deny people the delicious little stub you’ve written even if you’re not going to finish it. When you’re happy with what you have -- or are so tired of looking at it that you need to post it or you’ll throw your computer out the window -- just do it and let out a sigh of relief, then either take a few days before going back to writing or just jump in immediately like a goddamn masochist.

(I have tried to get far enough ahead that I can start posting the already-written stuff on a schedule, figuring by the time I’m caught up I’ll have completed the entire story and won’t have any awkward gaps. Ahahahahahahahahaha that has never once worked.)

If you’re not certain about your writing, get a beta! The fandom is full of talented people who’d be happy to read over your work, and if the person you ask doesn’t have the time or spoons, they probably have a few ideas of other people you could reach out to. You don’t need a beta, but it always makes me feel better to have another set of eyes look over my writing before posting, and my beta always catches things I completely missed. Plus, you get a nice taste of that sweet, sweet validation we all crave.

This . . . is a bad guide. Just in general. The advice is . . . not good, and I think it’s largely useless. But I keep trying to think of useful things to add to it and coming up empty, so I hope something in here helped, and if you’d like to bounce your ideas off of someone, feel free to shoot me a message! Talking ideas over with friends is a great way to flesh them out as well, and I am happy to be anyone’s fandom friend.

[calleo-bricriu]

So, this is some absolute horse shit I thought I'd left in 2018.

You see, these two (justasimplesecretary/fear-in-psychology and wewhoareflawed) were part of a small group, with A being someone I'm 99% sure has an OC whose first name starts with the same letter, who decided they didn't care for a Grindelwald player who went by Miss T.

I have no dog in this race, I've only spoken to Miss T on a couple of occasions and had one short thread. I do, however, have almost 30 years of group RP experience one way or another under my belt and have absolutely no tolerance for people who act like this toward a player they just happen to personally dislike, nor do I think they ought to be allowed their feeling of safety in being anonymous; people like this bank on the fact that nobody wants to “start drama” so they never get called to task in public for their poor public behavior.

Fortunately for me, I realized long ago that that attitude means they just know they can keep getting away with it

But from what I was able to find out from the involved parties they decided they disliked Miss T for reasons along the lines of:

- Refused to let their character Godmode/be more skilled than Grindelwald.

- Refused to ship with their character.

- Got tired of plots where their character always had to be the center of attention or I'd pitch an OOC fit until they relented.

And Miss T eventually got sick of it and cut them off, which is entirely fair.

And they made a "burn blog" which is still up here https://only-good-somethymes.tumblr.com/ Since I don’t trust them not to delete it (they’ve renamed it at least once), the most recent post on that blog was one I’d written specifically after one of that blog’s owners demanded to know what ‘good callout’ vs. a ‘bad callout’ was: https://shark-eat-you-for-lunch.com/post/177429861259/hey-lets-talk-about-callout-posts#_=_ There’s very little reason for me to post the IM logs in which they’re both all giggly about their involvement in this until they realized I wasn’t laughing with them but, I do have those transcripts.

They also started going around sending anonymous messages to people who wrote with Miss T or who followed Miss T saying things like, "You know Miss T is into clopping right?" in some bizarre effort to discredit or embarrass Miss T.

Eventually Miss T deleted one blog and disappeared from Tumblr for awhile because of the harassment; I think they were back for awhile over the winter, but I forget the URL they had

I found out about it because two of the people involved somehow thought I'd find it hilarious; one hinted that she knew who was behind it and the other eventually told me and both were somehow blindsided by the fact that I read them the fucking riot act for their behavior.

But, silly me, I accepted their apology, their "it won't happen again" and what do I see on my dash this afternoon?

The same three bratty children still making the same jokes and behaving in the same way.

I don't know how any of them could still think this kind of thing is okay or makes them look good, and you can best believe I've filled in people I know are mutuals to warn them about the kind of behavior these people have no problem dishing out toward players they decide they don’t like, because they've proven they'll turn on you if you do something they don't like and have also proven that they may also just try to start a targeted campaign of harassment.

Make no mistake, almost 30 years of dealing with group RP that has included people like this has taught me that they will absolutely be nice to your face until you do something they don’t like, at which point their “friendship” will seem to cool and you’ll eventually find out they’re shit talking you to their newest group of friends. That’s a standard MO with roleplayers who think it’s funny to harass or make fun of other roleplayers they don’t like for whatever reason.

If you ever wonder why some people seem to have entirely new friend groups every 6 months while their old group is still active, it’s usually because they behave like this and eventually get asked to leave.

What those who are mutuals with myself and these two choose to do is ultimately up to them, and I’m certainly not going to tell anyone who they can and can’t roleplay with, but I have exactly zero problems in letting people I consider friends know the kind of behavior I experienced when those people were in my RP circles.

People who want to play with matches better be prepared to have a Fandom Old come in carrying napalm until you sit your asses down and either stick to your own private circles or learn to behave like proper adults.

I do not apologize for any part of what I’ve just said; the three of you have proven over and over again that you’re genuinely catty, two faced, nasty little people and I won’t even say I expected that from people who were 16 and 18 at the time, because I know several people in that age range who would look at this and be just as pissed off that someone would think your behavior is acceptable.

And, frankly, I hope Miss T is still around and writing Grindelwald, because their interpretation was great to read outside the threads that felt forced when you brats wanted all parts of the plot to be all about your characters.

I vaguely remember a name they had about two years ago but can’t find it anymore, and I really hope catty little brats like the above didn’t drive them off from writing entirely.

P.S. Pointing out someone’s objectively terrible behavior is not a “hate post” nor is it “starting drama”. If those three didn’t want drama they would have just taken the L and moved on when they had their falling out with Miss T.

[incarnateirony]

An apology, but a story.

Okay guys, sorry for uh, talking so much about Pillowfort lately. I do mean it when I say I’m still here to stay until Tumblr totally dies, and I know I’ve been posting a LOT of PF content, but I’m also trying to help tailor an environment over there where this fandom can thrive. Add in momma’s heart attack and coma and my dash has been a hot mess and bare bones of my usual content, and I apologize.

But at the same time I’d like to sort of tell a bit of a flashback story of social media, fandom, and why I really do hope the best for Pillowfort. Some people are too young to remember the slow death of Livejournal, and I’m having like, flashbacks from that. I wasn’t in SPN fandom itself at the time but I was on LJ, so if you’re 

worried about your friends leaving

intent on sticking to tumblr hell or high water

kind of upset at some friends trying to manage both

Let me give a little bit of history to explain what people are doing right now and why.

Long long ago, in a digital world far away when the internet still screamed at you when you connected to it, fandom wasn’t really globalized like it is. Twitter didn’t exist. Eventually Facebook was a hot new commodity not everybody adopted immediately. Tumblr wasn’t a sparkle in anybody’s eye. 

Fandom was mostly relegated to php forums and places like Livejournal. Livejournal proved to be -- at the time -- one of the best methods to engage in fandom. You could have your own journal, but you could also join communities with your account and comment on long discussions. 

There were weaknesses of this to be sure. Notifications were pretty raw to nonexistent compared to how we know of them modernly. You had to basically manually check the comm to stay on top of things, and what was said in that comm was choked to that comm. Now, that had its strengths: you could control the community and posts, ergo minimizing flame wars, but it made fandom a bunch of pigeonhole wings and, to be honest, echo chambers. Lots of things got missed, overlooked, and what have you. And god help you if you pissed off a big name fan in your wing that owned one or most of the communities you went to. Replies and the ilk were pretty limited on what you could do, too. But it was something. It was more than just a standard forum. You could still try to cross-engage.

Then came the LJ Purge, which... is pretty much identical to the Tumblr purge. New rules banishing NSFW to the depths of the internet, some out of control censorship, targeting all LGBT content no matter how pure as NSFW and explicit -- you name it. They didn’t really have wildly out of control filterbots, that’s a new modern invention just to shit in our bin a little better, but you get the idea. What happened -- and is still, more quietly, now that the shock has passed -- to Tumblr is what happened to LJ. People lost mountains of work. 

Now, LJ didn’t die overnight. It died over the course of a few years. Some people left fairly quickly, others tried to stay aboard. For example, Destiel fandom was fairly young at the point the LJ Purge kicked off, and were already sort of outsiders among the fandom newsletters that were more Gen or Wincest doused at that point because -- well, duh -- they had a several year running start on that platform. The communities, as above, were really regulated. There just wasn’t room to breathe. Sure, they had their own comms, but once material started vanishing, they were much more eager to, en masse, migrate to a new platform. And yes, some stayed behind longer, because people, even in shipland, aren’t a borg.

Other communities, like gen or Wincest, stayed behind longer. They had years of built up work and huge communities they were attached to there and it was a lot harder for them to let that all go. But it didn’t get better. More quietly, once the hysteria ended, people just lost their will to continue to use livejournal and they more dribbled across.

Some went to Dreamwidth back then. Some went to tumblr. Long term, tumblr worked for everybody until now. Dreamwidth was pretty much Livejournal, minus censorship, plus a few bells and whistles but it worked for a few people, but let’s face it -- that’s not where central fandom ended up.

Now, people are talking alternatives. Some are saying to go back to Dreamwidth. I refuse. 

Because there’s a reason it wasn’t the most successful platform in the past and we’ll go back to completely segregated fandom like before and 

because certain aspects of fandom that DID go to Dreamwidth and stay there, have still been there, and are a huge thorn in the side to almost anyone with their head screwed on straight, Destiel fandom or not. J2 tinhats are the eternal asscramps of the fandom and they’ve squatted on dreamwidth for their crazy ass tinhat page for years, god knows they probably went to adjacent communities, god knows how ingrained they are into it, and I am NOT willing to deal with that level of horse shit again.

Pornhub tried a grab, that didn’t work, as it shouldn’t, for a list of reasons as long as my arm; Mastodon was suggested, but has a huge issue in some of its other channels that people don’t want to float in the vicinity of. 

And then there’s Pillowfort.

So look, Pillowfort is young, it is a smolbabe. In a few months it went from 4K users to 25K users and is growing innumerably by the day. Its servers are struggling. That turns some people off. I get that. But that isn’t permanent.

So first of all, early pioneers are what make migrations work. Just like LJ had its initial members, and then tumblr had its early migrators, places like Pillowfort can be the same. Dreamwidth already has its foundations. That’s redundant, and foundations I’m not even going to touch, much less the regressive, divisive form of communities that will segregate all of us again. It’s fine if you aren’t one of the first people to take up the platform. The people ahead of you will start laying down content and communities and, if it works out, you can join in when you’re ready.

So what makes Pillowfort so fucking special?

Okay, so check it out. On tumblr, we’re used to reblogging shit into the bowels of the internet. As Pillowfort grows it, too, has that capability with some differences.

The boldest difference is that when you reblog, your opinion doesn’t get attached to the end of the post. It just reblogs the base post. Some people initially complained and thought that was the loss of a feature but came to realize it’s a blessing.

You see, that means someone can’t kidnap your post with a shitty opinion to reblog it to their friends with a shitty opinion that all attach their heckling shitty opinions. Like, let’s say it’s someone that’s Destiel fandom reading this. Ever had an anti shit reblog your post and it run wild? Well, now, if they try to reblog it, all they reblog is... your Destiel post. Thanks for that.

So how do we actually say what we need to?

Well, fam, it incorporated elements from LJ/DW, in having threaded replies. Multiple threads if so needed. The threaded replies are capable of housing just about anything an OP has. So a blog post has, alongside Like/Reblog notifications, comments. Open the post, read the comments, start an actual conversation with some merit. Did some douchebag come to spam your comments since they can’t reblog? No problem, delete their shitty comments and block them, problem solved.

But it doesn’t end there.

See, like LJ, PF has communities. While your post can reblog just about anywhere just like on tumblr, you can blog or reblog them into the communities you follow. Anyone following that community, whether they follow you directly or not, gets that turning up in their feed, maximizing your spread. So sure, it’s a young platform and you only have 20 followers or whatever, but if you make a general Supernatural style post and blog it to the SPN com, 300 people (at current) see it. If you post something to the Destiel comm, over 200 people see it. It’s a way to even find new accounts and friends.

If you don’t like something that’s turning up in a community, you can blacklist shit. And/or find a more appropriate community if it gets out of hand to you.

When you make your own communities you can have internal discussions or blog in/out posts, you can set rules, promote moderators, remove or ban problem users, and generally control the flow of your community to keep out shitlords. But, if for example, you subscribed to a community that turns out to be secretly run BY a shitlord because, IDK, maybe they don’t like that you think Sam is bi or something, most of these communities are large and blog in/out/engageable enough that you won’t lose your contacts, you WILL find your people over time, and you won’t be completely choked off to a singular abyss.

So the base beat is

PF treats every single post like any root post on an LJ/DW comm, but is able to be reblogged from/to communities or your own blog page as freely as tumblr.  PF takes the best concepts of current and previous fandom platforms in its base application and lays a groundwork that literally all of us can prosper on if it survives and continues. 

But that’s the catch.

And it’s cool if you aren’t ready to completely take that leap yet. I get that.

“I kinda like PF but it doesn’t have X feature-”

Okay look, PF is a smolbabe, like I said. It’s in beta. The thing is, they’re adding things every day. They have a dev list like 2 pages long for goals and things are getting crossed off and added like, biweekly. It might already be on their list to add. And if it’s not, guess what?

The staff actually give a shit and react to questions and concerns. There’s entire beta groups to talk about features with bugs, and/or features that should be added or adjusted. There’s a comm to talk directly to the staff about things.

A small, young platform needs people willing to be out there saying what would improve the experience. So if you go there, you’re not just fandom pioneers, you’re social media pioneers if you so choose to be. It’s not mandatory. You can just fan in your space how you want. Or you can go to the beta groups and staff groups and tell them what you think would improve the experience. 

And again, it’s okay if you aren’t willing to move right now.

I’m not moving entirely. I’m double blogging, and will return to my regularly scheduled blogging on tumblr here soon, now that my life is calming down and I got most of my PF heavy lifting out of the way. But I want to make a nest in case this does pan out to be the next forward horizon, rather than taking a step back to something like Dreamwidth that segregates us all again. I want to help them build that platform. 

But I’ll still be here with you guys.

But if you’ve felt like friends are abandoning you

Please try to understand the history, please understand what they’re doing and why they’re doing it, and just try to encourage them to cross blog where you can/will engage. And if you’re feeling daring one day? Try to poke your head into PF.

I have one remaining key that I’m willing to give a really good fandom creator. I gave one to a meta-mind and I’d like this to go to a heavy, inclusive gif creator, because that’s still a sparse art on PF. You’d be the belle of the ball just for crossposting your work, in a place that DOESN’T have a threat of it getting deleted when tumblr throws a hissyfit. Just post on both. Tada. Suddenly you’re the popular kid.

If you’re interested, if you poke your head in, check my recent post listing communities that are growing rapidly and the ilk to know where to get your feet wet. Or send me a DM. I’ll help.

We good? Cool.

[sansloii-a]

coughs so am I allowed to request all of the “salty af munday meme” answers or—

oh my fucking god || @imbruedinfear​

strap in y’all ‘cause someone wants to hear me complain

What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?

if you post excessive ooc in quick sucession, i will unfollow you faster than the speed of light. i’ve done it in the past. i will not hesitate to do it in the future. i don’t care if it’s tagged. if i’m on and i see it, you’re gone, my friend.

What’s the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

uuuuuuuuuuhhhhh there was this one dude that legit tried to monopolize one of my old muses on another blog, got upset when i set a main ship for said muse, complained to me nonstop, was trying to use me to get back into rping with my friend group ( which he called “the popular group” for a reason I don’t understand to this day ), only wanted to ship, got pissy over a fucking pokemon au ( if you ever wanna hear about this, lemme know ), tried to insert a ship into every au we made automatically, tried to tell me how to write smut for no reason ( said he would read it and give me tips and everything ffs ), was an asshole to my sister ( who rped way back when but doesn’t anymore ), made several friends of mine uncomfortable to the point of leaving the rp scene for a bit, blamed other people for issues that he honestly had a part in causing, and a bunch of other things that i’m forgetting right now.

i figure that’s the worst because nothing has topped that. nothing. that happened years ago, though, so i’m good now. no one fucks with me like that anymore.

What was a mildly annoying thing that has happened to you rp wise?

i got about 10 asks from someone when i wanted to do other shit ( my asks that are in the double digits ) ‘cause they wanted me to send them an ask. annoyed me to hell and back and i promptly deleted those asks

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  tough shit. i was not in the mood for games and i’m still not.

 Has anyone ever tried to steal your blog? Your headcanons? Icons? All that jazz?

not that i know of??? i hope not ‘cause i worked real hard on all this and if you steal anything from me, i’m gonna throw a huge-ass heaping of karma your way.

 How many people don’t like you?

i dunno. i’d say none but i know not everyone is going to like me so if you’re out there and you don’t like me, you’re entitled to that. don’t tell me, though, ‘cause i don’t wanna know if you don’t like me.

How many people do you not like?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i don’t really care enough to actively not like anyone. you can annoy me but unless you piss me off and continue to piss me off, you get stuck on the “do not care” list. 

Have you managed to stay away from drama?

i give advice when needed on how to avoid whoever my convo partner is talking about and i avoid getting involved. unless it’s like… a close friend or involves a close friend, i refuse to get in the middle of whatever issue people have. i’m not about to have my ass dragged into problems that do not concern me.

i don’t cause drama either so that’s also how i stay away from it. 100% guaranteed to keep you out of drama.

Have you ever been in the middle of drama?

personal/friend drama? yes. rp drama? see above.

none of that was fun btw. it was a lot of me getting angry, being frustrated with certain behaviors, having to cut people out for doing shit/saying shit that they knew they shouldn’t have and refusing to recognize that they have fucked up and use that to change their behavior, etc. it’s draining and not fun and i’m pretty sure it shaved years off my life but y’know, it is what it is. the most i can do about it is look out for myself and keep out of relationships that will put me in those situations again.

Have you ever tried to bring peace to a situation?

no because i used to be friends with people that weren’t straightforward with shit and made excuses instead of changing their behavior. i don’t wanna go into it ‘cause and i can’t remember all the details but boy, peace was hard to come by and it didn’t last long. i wasn’t going to try to bring peace if people didn’t really seem to want it and level with each other.

How long do you stay mad?

depends on what you do, tbh, but it’s a couple hours at least. a couple days at most.

What’s your rp pet peeve? ( i have a lot of these )

playing “find the links” on someone’s blog. if i can’t find your links, i’ll try “/rules”, “/r.”, “/g.” and whatever else i can think of to get your rules and a couple more things to get your muse’s about. however, i shouldn’t have to and it takes little effort to make it so that your links are easily distinguishable from the background. if i don’t find them, i don’t find them. and i don’t follow/follow back

Have you ever forgiven a partner when you shouldn’t have?

nope. not now, not ever.

 Have you ever been forgiven when you knew you shouldn’t have been?

i’ve never been in a situation where i’ve had to be forgiven for stuff i’ve done so no.

What fads/trends are you so over?

the first thing i thought of was the fucking double ampersands thing that was everywhere at some point. those annoyed me so much and i’m so glad they’re gone. super small text needs to die too. i may not wear glasses but i sure as shit ain’t straining my eyes to see what you’ve written in 3px font. 

honestly, a lot of the excessive aesthetic shit that sacrifices accessibility for #aesthetic

Have you ever rp’d with someone you knew for a fact was abusive but tried to give them a chance/to make up your own opinion on the roleplayer? Did they change or did you understand what people were talking about?

nope, nope. nu-uh. if i knew for a fact that this person was abusive in that moment, i wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole. absolutely fucking not. 

Have you ever made a public call out post?

-loud snort- hell no.

What has made you completely lose your chill?

honestly? look at my worst experience and that about sums up shit that has made me lose my chill. you really gotta push my fucking buttons to make me mad ‘cause i’m usually pretty laid back.

What do you think about public call out posts?

answered here

A fandom that you feel isn't open and accepting? 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i dunno. i’ve only been in one before and that was f.ire e.mblem

 A fandom that you feel is open and accepting?

imma be real honest with y’all--the only fandom i’ve been in that i will acknowledge is f.ire e.mblem and i had a pretty sweet time there. i had some ups and downs but it was an overall good experience for me. it was pretty open and inviting in my opinion but i tended to stay away from the douchebags in the fandom ‘cause i just wanted to have a good time there.

Thoughts on duplicates following you?

 if i have duplicates of my oc following me, i’ll have a whole fucking cow 

Do you agree with reblog karma or is it forced interaction?

i don’t think it’s forced interaction most of the time ( with sentence starters, symbol memes, memes that take literally zero fucking effort to send in ) ‘cause... everyone likes getting stuff, y’know. if you wanna reblog it from someone, just take a moment to send something in if the interaction is feasible. that’s the key thing here. if it’s feasible, then i don’t see the issue with sending something in before you reblog it from someone ( especially if you’re mutuals ). if it isn’t and you just wanna reblog it, reblog it from the source. it’s not that serious.

if someone nitpicks you for rebloging the same meme they did but you reblogged it from the source, i wouldn’t feel too bad. you know what’s best for your muses and if you don’t feel like the meme is cohesive for interactions, then that’s your prerogative and the 

Has someone ever ruined an FC or character for you?

answered here

Has someone been jealous of you?

i’ve only been told that someone was jealous of me once and it was a long time ago. i have never heard that from anyone again ( not that i remember, at least )

Have you ever been jealous of anyone?

mhm! but it usually comes when i’m feeling super down about my blog and doubting my ocs ( which isn’t often ). when i do get jealous, it’s over interactions and the like and my big dumb galactic brain is like “wow, don’t you wish you had those interactions? don’t you wish you were rping with those people?” and makes me feel bad about the interactions i have, the speed at which i reply, my ocs, how many people are interesting in my ocs, etc. however, this shit doesn’t last long ‘cause i have a bunch of wonderful people that motivate me to get out of that funk and just... focus on what i have instead of what i’m seeing on my dash. i remind myself that i’m here to have fun and i shouldn’t try to match my experience to others’

How has Tumblr RP changed since you started?

more formatting, smaller icons, more focus on having a fancy ass theme, more formatting, more callout posts, less communication in some regard, more reminders for communication.more psa posts, more formatting--

honestly, i’ve been on tumblr since 2012 and most of it is a blur lmao. i probably don’t remember everything ‘cause i was.... 15 when i started rping on here. i’m 22 now. i’m sure a lot has changed in seven years but i definitely haven’t seen it all.

Thoughts on the fandom you're currently rping in?

i’m currently a fandomless blog and boy, is it a lot more fun XD i have a lot more creative liberty and i can shape the world my muses live in to my liking, as opposed to following or just adding onto what the fandom universe already is. it’s a lot of work and it takes a ton of time but it’s fun and i’m enjoying every second of it! 

How salty are you feeling right now?

answered here but i’ll just say it again: not salty. just tired and rambly because holy shit this took a while

[chaoticnico]

This shit needs to stop

For those that aren’t part of the CMB chat or involved in the Harringrove fandom, you can move on. This has nothing to do with people outside of it, but this shit needs saying. I’m making this a public post on my blog because I’m tired of all this happening and people getting hurt because of it.

I’ll admit, I’m not a perfect person. I make mistakes, I get angry and do shit I’ll regret, but that doesn’t mean I can’t reflect back and learn from those mistakes because people mature. People can grow from their mistakes and become better people. It’s part of being human. It’s part of being flawed.

Now, I wanted to keep this out of public, try and take care of things privately to avoid drama, because as much as people seem to think so, I don’t thrive on drama. I hate conflict, I hate having to do things like this. Sure, I may like some drama in the moment, get a laugh or two at something going on because I was hurt by certain people, but again, I’m flawed. I’m owning up to this now before anyone can try and put the spot light on me without my consent and try to expose me without all the facts.

It’s come to my attention that a very close friend of mine, @sachanpwns / Nor, was being accused of being a spy in the CMB chat when they’ve got nothing to do with this. They’ve never gone and done anything involving all this shit because they refuse to engage. They refuse to get mixed up in this shit. No matter how much people tried pulling them in one direction or the other, they wouldn't give in. They wouldn’t stoop down to something of that level like I did. Yes, you read that right: me. I’m the spy in the CMB chat, Joey, aka stevelikesbutts. I’ll admit it. You know why? Because Nate (casualtornado / goodmorninghawkins) and Dawn (tumblr deleted), people that are angry with me for no longer picking their side, are pissed at me and trying to destroy what little life I have left in this fandom and going around and trying to stir shit up because they thrive on drama.

I’m not going to put full blame on them for me making a fake persona to get into CMB because I’ll admit that I did it for myself as well. I wanted to see if people were talking shit about me and them behind our backs when this drama between servers originally went down. I was hurt, I wanted to indulge in this self-destructive behavior and see what others were saying about me and the people I once considered my friends. I took screen shots of what was being said and shared them; I engaged in a fake identity. 

Was that right? No. I did it anyway because I was hurt. I said some nasty things about others in private because I was hurt. I judged people for things they posted and talked shit with these people because I was scared that if I didn’t, that if I even thought of disagreeing with them, that I would become their next victim. That doesn’t excuse it though. None of what I did has an excuse, but I’m coming out and owning up to it because I’d rather not give these people the power to do it for me and paint it in an even worse light because that’s what they do. 

This brings me to another point of why I can’t sit by idly anymore. While I trusted Nate and Dawn to the point where I told them everything, they went around and said they couldn’t trust me anymore simply because I replied to a message from @heart-eyes-harrington / Lauralee with a simple wave gif. Why? Because while I had a falling out with Lauralee a few months ago, I decided I couldn’t hold a grudge any longer because it was simply unhealthy for me to do so. So, the two of us apologized to each other, told each other why what happened hurt us. We made up. 

They weren’t happy with this.

Because I decided to be civil and refused to hold a grudge for all eternity, I was suddenly the enemy. I wasn’t allowed to post what I found harmless because it hurt them that I was talking to someone they disliked. Mind you, this is the first interaction I have had with Lauralee in almost two weeks. We rarely talk and it’s never anything personal. But because I went and replied with a gif, I was no longer trustworthy. I must have been sharing screen shots with her about all the shit being said about anyone.

Even after I stepped away from an argument caused by the following because I apparently wasn’t listening while they weren’t listening to me either, that wasn’t enough for them. They had to come back and tell me again why they thought I was wrong for being civil.

This led to more post policing on my blog. One of the things we all agreed on that we couldn’t stand was shout-out posts on people’s blogs because it makes people feel left out when not every single person is included. It was a pet peeve. I still, to this day, don’t like them that much, but I’m not going to stop someone from doing it, even if it does bother me. Even if I did, in the past, talk shit about it when someone did it. But because I had this view point, because I engaged in this conversation of being annoyed by friend call out posts, I wasn’t allowed to make one of my own last night when I was drunk, saying how much I love the people I was talking to whilst intoxicated.

That was the final straw that led me to block them because of the way they messaged me and ridiculed me because I was a “hypocrite”. They’re the reason why I have anon turned off constantly because of the hate they send because they’re too fucking scared to have their names behind the shit they send. Because they thrive on drama and love to watch the world burn of anyone that doesn’t fully support them and their abuse. 

Yes, abuse. That’s what I’m calling it because that’s what it is. I didn’t want to believe it at the time, didn’t want to believe that they were manipulating me to a certain extent because I trusted them. I thought them to be my friends when in reality, they were more toxic than the rat poison in the closet.

I’ll admit that I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ll admit that I’ve burned bridges because of the hurt I felt and that maybe I did thrive on some of the drama it brought. I never once, however, stooped down to the level of sending anon hate. I may have sent something I knew would make the person uncomfortable, but I never got to the point of trying to directly hurt someone.

And Nate, Dawn, since I know you two are stalking my blog despite being blocked and reading this, grow the fuck up. I’m done playing these games because you guys can’t seem to understand that you two are the ones casting yourselves out of this fandom. We all have our faults and I’ve owned up to mine. I’m sure you guys will continue to try and destroy me, and I’ve got one thing to say to you both: go ahead and try. Prove that you guys really are the villains that everyone makes you out to be. Prove my point for me.

[wonhuis]

hey! sorry for not being that active, i got one final! i didn’t expect it tbh but since subjects have a limit of 3 years i was “forced” to take at least one if i wanted to keep my regularity. so yeah i prob didn’t pass but i just need a 4 to keep it cool. ah yes! exo m had a lot of potential, i still like exo tho, they are one of my first groups. i read you put seulgi in one of your tags, do you like rv? 1/? 🍰-sss

i feel your struggle is like i want to multitask but at the same time just for a little while. the game had a 80% discount i think, it was like woah steam and its christmas spirit came early this year. fbkjsfsbk gta betrayed you! can you change it tho? thank you! my stomach didn’t help me these few days but the stress didn’t help as well. I haven’t watch it but it’s on my list? would u rec it? 2/? 🍰-sss 

idk a lot abt dramas, animes on the other hand💕 do u have any fav anime/s?jun in denim jacket is everything! it suits him very well, the red sweater he wore on going seventeen was amazing too! tbh everything he wears + black hair is my fav look. black hair suits him so well! but brown hair is my close 2nd fav. for clothes: sweaters, like a nice cream colour. i love when he wears jackets or big coats, he looks so cozy and my heart goes *boom* ¾ 🍰-sss 

question: who would get along with the most in svt? also the whole mess thats going on bc of twitter and reposters, smh. people have no shame to not only steal content but believe they have the nerves to say “it’s just a gif”, then do it yourself. a lot of ccs spend time and effort doing it. twt is pure clownery. i hope u started well this week! (besides twt drama). also vernon + bugs lmao!!! i’d have done the same ngl 4/4 🍰-sss

oh sweetie don’t worry about it!! i’m not a consistent person myself so i tend to be inactive out of nowhere for a few days as well lmao but omg hope u at least got that 4!!! what are u studying, if you don’t mind me asking?

ah yes i still do love exo as well!!i mean baekhyun is still my ult lmao if ur a cheol stan are u also a suho one? oh but u said u liked exo m better lmao i just know so many ppl that are suho stans and also stan cheol lmao (and taeil from nct????) so i’m curious about it!! 

and i do!!! we’ve been fighting a LOT recently because i really dislike the songs they dropped after bad boy but oh well, they’re still cute and i rlly like them!! not my fave gg of this generation bc twice exists, but they’re somewhere there with a few others lmao 

oh i multitask all the time it’s an addiction honestly kkdskdj if i don’t do at least two things at the same time i absolutely can’t concentrate for some reason, but one of the things can be listening to music so it’s all good, like right now i’m answering this and listening to some glee performances LMAO but omg 80% is a reallyyyyy good discount!! i think i could still return gta but i paid it rlly cheap and i’m still planning on getting a new laptop so i don’t rlly wanna get rid of it lmao also i play it when i’m at my friend’s house sometimes 

ah it was a really cute drama, but some things rlly annoyed me lmao i’d rec it because it’s cute and i’m hella biased towards jinyoung and jisoo lmao also i didn’t suffer that much but the final ep disappointed me a lot bc it felt rlly rushed :/ like the two seasons went at a certain pace and then the last ep felt too much, but it was still good!!

and i looooooooooove animes lmao my all time fave is fullmetal alchemist!!! for anime and for manga! i reread and rewatch it every single year and i’ve been doing it for 10 years lmao (i do the same with percy jackson because i’m crazy like that!!) but i also love haikyuu, bnha, tokyo ghoul (rip), kimetsu no yaiba, bungou stray dogs, kuroshitsuji and i’m a huge fan of shoujo too!! my fave is fruits basket, but i love gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun, kimi ni todoke, ao haru ride, akatsuki no yona, ore monogatari, ouran high school host club, kaichou wa maid sama and others! AND ALSO!! i love those cute slice of life ones like barakamon, tanaka-kun wa itsumo kedaruge, kyoukai no kanata and hyouka!! i’m always watching new anime but i also rewatch most of the animes i’ve watched, some that i really like to rewatch (besides the ones i’ve already said, that i have rewatched a few times lmao) are karneval, yamada-kun to nananin no majo and servamp! they all only have one season of 12 eps and they’re rlly easy to watch, that’s why i watch them a lot lmao 

ANYWAY

omg yes black hair is everything to me i’m the biggest black hair suppremacist lmao BUT the brown comma hair he had during clap? AMAZING! his mansae brown hair was also REALLY nice, i rlly did enjoy the dirty blonde one from very nice too! and the pink!!!!! i love pink hair sO MUCH, I LOVE JUN IN EVERY HAIR COLOR LMAO HE LOOKS AMAZING IN ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!! (but black hair is def my fave for anyone lmao except minghao bc i loved his clap hair the most)

CHEOL IN BIG AND WARM AND COZY JACKETS/SWEATERS/COATS YESSSSSS I LOVE IT TOO!!!! big and fluffy sweaters are my fave looks ever bc it’s just so cute my heart combusts always 

also i think wonwoo? we have a similar kind of humor and we also like the same things, but even though i talk a lot i’m never the one to start the talk and neither is he, so we’d basically never talk LMAO but it’d be all good we could just hang around together in a comfortable silence while we read and pet my cats!! i’d also like to say minghao and vernon bc i love them but they’re kinda too deep for me lmao i’m a shallow person and i don’t like taking things too seriously so it’d be a problem sometimes i think… oh!!! there’s jeonghan too!! we’d definitely either love or hate each other LMAO i’m rlly similar to him when i’m comfortable with someone i think, like his sometimes devilish personality is 100% me with my close friends lmao but what about you?????

and ah yeah… the reposters…. see i get PISSED over reposters i really do despise them SO MUCH!!!!! see from 2011-2013 i had an anime blog and i used to make a lot of edits and gifs there and i always had these two accs that reposted me all the time and i got so pissed bc u couldn’t report for this back then so i just deleted my whole acc (it had over 20k followers lmao) so i still get pissed!!! this one set of mine from my nct blog got reposted and it got almost 2k notes when mine had like 500 (it now has almost 4k but still) and i HATE that lmao like nowadays ppl aren’t even supporting content creators anymore u know, the likes to reblogs ratio is RIDICULOUS. i have this one post from 2011 in my old blog that has 1800 notes and only 100 are likes, but now it’s the exact opposite and it kinda :// i always say that i don’t care about numbers bc i LOVE to read to tags and stuff like that is what matters to me the most, but if people don’t reblog there’s no tags for me to read and that’s what saddens me the most :/ i never rlly cared about notes, but it’s kinda shitty to spend a shit ton of time doing something just for fun and people don’t even appreciate it :/

also the way content creators literally are the ones that keep this plataform up and running and it means NOTHING to have a big following here, like ppl on twt and ig get sponsors for their numbers even if they do NOTHING. i hate twitter so much lmao ppl out there only stealing jokes and posts from tumblr and acting like they’re the shit, then getting 100k followers and sponsors like?? i’m sorry?? also there’s SO MANY artists on twitter that get absolutely no recognition but only those shit ass people that tweet about their foot fetish get followes, same with ig if ur rich and take nice pics of urself traveling then ur famous i HATE

I’M SORRY FOR RAMBLING SO MUCH BUT I GET SO ANGRY LMAO 

FUCK reposters and fuck tumblr and fuck twitter too 

but not fuck you sweetie, sorry pls come back ksdjnakjsd

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.