#but if hes frozen in time then we arent getting a new design.... [sound of glass shattering] | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

viralhottopics · 8 years ago

Text

Armando Iannucci on Donald Trump: ‘This is the best moment, isn’t it?’

An open letter to the new president, from the creator of Veep and The Thick of It

Even when silent, you sound loud. You are, in fact, an avalanche of contradictions: real and unreal, scary yet amusing, fact and fiction rolled into one like a little rubber Mount Rushmore blown up to actual size by the use of helium. You confuse us. We want to laugh at your stumbles, but are petrified by what those stumbles may lead to. You are the worst person ever; and yet not as bad as Mike Pence.

But you do have a definite sense of purpose. While Hillary Clinton hedged and played the game, you said it straight. Youve been very clear: deport, build, repeal, replace. Everywhere you go, you shatter ossified politics. You slice through frozen convention like an icebreaker: set on a steady forward direction, leaving a stinking slick of oil and dead fish parts in its wake.

It was worth it, though, because of where you are now. This is the best moment, isnt it? Just as youve taken the oath of office, but still not worn down by that office. Frozen in your moment of history. All those doubters, the mewling enemies and haters, are silenced now: you are the 45th president of the US. Thats a fact. Its true.

They used to tease you about your attitude to the truth, didnt they? All your post-reality fictoid-facts, like how global warming was a myth invented by the Chinese, how you respected all women without exception, except the greedy, grasping, ugly ones who were trying to suck you dry, how Obama wasnt born in America, and also how you put everyone right when you said he was.

And that rigged election: you had evidence the election was rigged against you and you were going to lose, and then, when you won it fair and square, you had proof you would have won it even more fairly and squarely had it not been rigged against you so you couldnt win so bigly. And now they say the Russians rigged the election, and you say the election wasnt rigged, it was never rigged, and youve been saying for months: it was never rigged.

Some screwball no-mark in some pointless department will end up saying the wrong thing about China. Photograph: Andrew Harnik/AP

Yes, you were mocked nightly by damp-souled liberals who joked you couldnt tell fact from fantasy. Well, guess what? If you now tweeted, I am the 45th president of the United States, not a single person would doubt you. Because its true. Youre the president. Fact! No scientist, no economist, no so-called expert can call you out. You are literally the most important man on Earth, in the solar system, maybe even the galaxy. Right now, everything in the universe revolves around you.

But then comes the hard bit. The bit after this week. The rest of the presidency. Thats the bit others say cant be controlled. Something will go wrong. Some screwball no-mark in some pointless department will answer a letter to an elector, and end up saying the wrong thing about China, or single moms, or car manufacturers, or dyslexia, thinking that theyre echoing your opinion. Then your enemies will report it, and then people will think it came from you. Then your press secretary will deny thats what you meant and blame the no-mark, and name her. Then the no-mark will complain about sexism or bullying or some such artificial crime. Then youll act big, go against expectations, and apologise to that person.

Then some other people, your enemies, will imply youre a pussy. Your staff who attacked her and defended you, will express annoyance that you are contradicting what theyre saying. Then the person you apologised to, well, shell get arrogant and say how upset she was by what happened, and then youll have to tweet what she was really like when you met her, how annoying she was, how shes just looking for a bigger job and a TV contract, and how youre going to ask Congress to look into that department she works for and find out whats going on.

But, even then, it wont go away, and therell be maybe a hundred other little, stupid stories like that which will never leave you alone, all because other people are fools and losers. And so one night, youll tweet something bad about China and single moms and car manufacturers and dyslexics, all in one tweet, and the whole cycle will start all over again, and take up so much time, itll look like that wall will never get built.

And so, for the next four years, youll try to do stuff. With luck, the next eight years. (If your plan comes right, the next 12, even 16 years, too.) But this crap will keep coming up, wont it? This not-smart, so-overrated nonsense from the false media, determined to undermine you. Theyll say youre mishandling foreign affairs, causing conflict and hardship, arousing enmity, bitterness and division. Its all designed to make people not like you, isnt it? But you can get round that. You will tell people, again and again, that they do like you. That everything else theyve heard isnt true. And it will work. It always works.

If a war breaks out, isnt it more efficient to persuade people that it isnt happening? Photograph: John Gurzinski/AFP/Getty Images

You will explain that the things that come from your mouth are not necessarily the things that come from your heart. You will remind people that things are true not when they are real but when you believe them. You will urge the media to concentrate on covering peoples fears and feelings, rather than the dull objects and information that clutter up their potentially beautiful lives.

Why dont crime reporters report that people feel a bit funny about Mexicans? Why dont economists measure how freaked out people are about what might happen to their jobs one day, especially if your enemies were in charge? Why dont the weather people point out, at the end of the show, just how everyone is feeling so much better because of the work youre doing, and how thats making them cope with whatever rain or cloud comes their way? Why dont newscasters show the graphs that prove that anyone who fires a gun in America might well be a Muslim?

Of course, the liberal media will have fun, wont they, doing their little crazy skits about how theres no need for reporters any more because we just have to say whatever it is we think sounds true. Over now to our Chief-Bad-Feeling-About-China correspondent; We join our crime correspondent live outside the home of a suspicious couple new to the neighbourhood who keep themselves to themselves; And thats all weve got time for. Join us tomorrow night at seven for another edition of What The Hells Going On? Unfunny. You havent seen these skits (they havent been written), but theyre just so lame, arent they?

No, how you govern will be so special, and so different from that pathetic portrayal. Youre going to bring into your administration a whole heap of talented people who will oversee a climate change in the way facts are considered. You will bring in financial experts who will reassure everyone that, no matter what the markets say, everyone is, in fact, fine. You will bring in law experts who will prove categorically that anyone who feels their civil liberties are being infringed are themselves infringing the civil liberties of the vast majority who voted to change them. And, above all, you will persuade everyone, especially those who tell you that you polled nearly three million votes fewer than Hillary, that you do have a mandate since you believe you do, and it feels like the vast majority of people believe you do, too. And thats evidence no money can buy.

Thats how you will govern. Properly, effectively. Why, if the economy goes bad, or promised laws arent passed, or a war breaks out, why spend time and money and precious energy dealing with those things? Isnt it more efficient to persuade people that they arent happening? Think what money that would save, putting dollars back in the pocket of every American. You will do a deal with the American people, a great big beautiful deal, the ultimate deal, and they will absolutely love it. What youve done is started a revolution, a movement. Youve taught people to believe not what is empirically true but what is emotionally true, which is a better truth. Youve set free the credulity of the people.

So here is another undeniable fact. Soon the consequences of what you are doing will spread throughout the world. And, once done, they cant be undone. Yes, you will be remembered for a very, very long time. Fact.