#but if anything it'll be much less stress than the current living situation

[boyswanna-be-her]

There's like a lot of backstory I don't feel like explaining but atm I'm losing where I live bc my mom doesn't like my life choices (volunteering, dating bfr), and the only way I can afford to move out is to rent a room with a stranger (provided i find someone with no pets who will let me have my cat, bc Mimi is aggressive with other pets sadly) or find a place to rent with BFR. And like, it's objectively stupid to move in with each other this fast but my options are such shit right now that it's looking like I'm willing to make this objectively stupid decision! Thanks mom! Really great work valuing my choices and helping me stay in the safe, stable housing i've had for the past FIVE years. Christ.

[bugbyte]

long form stressed out thoughts

Because it's never just one bad thing!

So this past Friday I messed up my shoulder in a way that may or may not be related to the new PT exercises I've had lately. It was a couple of minutes of 10/10, comparable to gallstones, brace yourself 'cause you're gonna die kind of pain, and since then it's mostly settled into just the left side of my trapezius muscle which now feels like a hot angry tennis ball embedded in my back.

Here is an image for visual reference:

Anyway.

Drawing anything with greater fidelity than Angry Tennis Man is proving to be challenging at the moment. Great, cool, fun.

BUT IT GETS BETTER!

So we were out picking up my prescriptions today so that I can continue living and surviving and stuff, and a pickup truck with a Very Good Driver at the wheel, with Very Well Functioning Brake Lights stopped hard in front of us, so we had to stop hard behind him. And doing this apparently was too much for something as-yet-unknown in the brake system of my car, which I just fundraised to get registered and back on the road, because it was the less-broken and more fuel-efficient of our two vehicles. We managed not to hit anything, and we made it home only because the e-brake in my car is working, thankfully. But that's not a long-term solution, or even a good idea.

So now we have two dysfunctional vehicles, neither of which are safe to drive.

We live in an extremely rural area (there are cows everywhere!) so there is no public transit here. I have less than $10 in my bank account thanks to the ongoing shenanigans with Temporary Public Assistance just, deciding they aren't going to do what they said and pay our rent. I have been arguing for months to no avail. We are lucky to be in a situation with someone who is very flexible about this landlording, BUT this was only ever meant to be a temporary situation and there's no human way we can get a foothold on anything when Temporary Assistance says we need to spend all our money on rent, including and especially the assistance money.

So I'm kind of in a panic, because I don't think I can reliably take commissions right now. I wouldn't feel right about it because my arm just goes out when it feels like and I am not getting adequate pain relief from my doctors. I feel like I've worn out my goodwill asking for help on the internet because up until now it's been generally relatively small bills coming up, but doing some research this one could range into around $1000 depending on what is wrong. Which we can't afford to find out in the first place because of the whole "$10 in my bank account" thing.

I am contemplating attempting a GoFundMe because I truly do not know what else to do here. I am terrified it'll disqualify us from SNAP and the other things currently keeping us afloat because they're finicky about income sources. I'm not confident I could even attract enough attention on it for it to be helpful.

I am scared? And I am out of ideas? Anyone out there with suggestions or ideas? I also have a t-shirt and sticker shop and digital comics here and here but ha ha that is not gonna cut it. 😬

[free--therapy]

Overcoming Guilt & Shame

It's important to note that by overcoming shame and guilt, it doesn't mean that we are letting ourselves get away with something that we truly know and believe to be wrong. The point of overcoming it is making sure that we take accountability, responsibility, and coming to terms with what made us feel this way in the first place. There are 5 steps we can take to help us overcome our shame and guilt: assessing the severity of our actions, weighing our personal accountability, atoning for any harm we caused, breaking the silence of our incurred shame, and finally self-forgiveness.

It's suggested that only 1 or 2 of these steps are necessary in helping us overcome guilt, however when it comes to dealing with shame, it's best to try all 5 steps:

1. Assessing the Severity of Our Actions

It doesn't matter how big or small the action is that we feel bad about, we can still feel guilty regardless. It could be as simple as ignoring your mother's phone call to answer your best friend's call, or calling in sick to work when you don't feel like going in, and so on. Our evaluation of how serious our actions or thoughts are depends on our values and rules that we create for ourselves. It'll always be subjective and what we may feel guilty about, another person won't feel guilty in the same situation. If we often feeling guilty or ashamed, it means that we are either living our lives in a way that ends up defying and violating our own values and principles, or we may be judging ourselves too seriously on things that aren't as serious as we may believe. How can we assess how serious our actions are? Consider the following:

Do other people think this is as serious as I do? How come?

Would there be anyone else consider it less serious? How come?

How serious would I consider this to be if my friend did it instead of myself?

How important will this situation seem in a month from now? 1 year? 5 years?

Would I consider it to be serious if someone did the same thing to me?

Was I aware of the consequences or meaning of my actions/thoughts? Based on that, are my current judgments applicable?

Did I cause any damage? If I did, can I still make things right? If yes, how long would it take to do so?

Is there a more worse action I could have taken and didn't?

2. Weighing Personal Accountability

Weighing how much of what we have done and our perception of the wrongdoing is up to us now to take care of. To do this, we must evaluate the situation we're feeling guilt or shame about by starting to consider everyone and every aspect involved in the situation, including ourselves. "Aspects" or factors can be something like alcohol being involved, owing someone money/debt, the time of day (late at night where people are tired), or knowing that the certain people involved in our situation may have experienced abuse in their life as well. Anything that may have relative responsibility to the situation. Create a list, whether on paper or in the mind, and assign values to how big of a responsibility they may have in the particular situation.

Example: Having an angry outburst at a spouse for complaining about not paying bills on time. People responsible for my angry outburst: - myself: 60% - looming debts: 20% - spouse: 12% - 11pm at night: 8%

Compiling a list like this won't entirely help to eliminate guilt however, because there are situations where we should still feel guilty for doing something wrong. That guilt will help us to make amendments and atone for what we have done, but we can manage it in a way where it becomes something productive as opposed to it being another thing we turn on ourselves as a way to self-sabotage (shame). Making these sorts of lists will help us to realize that not everything is entirely our fault in situations where we feel guilty, which can help us feel a lot less guilty at the end of the day.

3. Atoning for Harm We Caused

When we're feeling guilt as a result for causing harm to others, it's important that we make sure we make amends for what we have done. Doing so can have a very important impact in healing ourselves and the relationship(s) we may have ruined. Atoning for our actions involves recognizing what we did and having the courage to face the person we hurt, asking for their forgiveness, and figuring out what we can do to make things right.

Here are some questions we can consider when trying to figure out how we can atone for what we have done:

Who did I hurt?

What did I do that was hurtful?

This is why it was wrong (the values I violated):

This is what I can do to make amends:

This is what I can tell the person I hurt: I recognize that when I (behavior/action) ____________, this hurt you. It was wrong because ___________. I'm sorry that I did that to you. What I want to do is _______ to show you how truly sorry I am. I hope that you can forgive me with time.

We have to remember that even though we may ask for forgiveness, the other person is under no obligation to grant us it and we have to be okay with that. The whole point of asking for forgiveness and trying to make amends is to help us feel better about the guilt that we have, especially when we're truly sorry.

4. Breaking the Silence of Incurred Shame/Guilt

Because shame has to do with having to keep things secretive, it helps for us to talk to someone we trust about what happened. We usually keep these things secret because we believe that if anyone ever finds out, we'll be criticized, condemned, or rejected for it. By telling someone, we may be surprised to find acceptance and this response ends up forcing ourselves to reassess the meaning of the secret that we hold onto. But how do we find someone we can trust when we have trust issues? We have to find someone that we believe we can share our secret in confidence, whether it be a friend, a coworker, or a mental health professional. Holding onto the shame will only increase the impact it has on us. More likely than not, a lot of people are more understanding that we have been led to believe. A lot of people have likely had similar experiences as us and know how to handle it, or they know people who may have been through things and have their an understanding of what we're going through. We all assume we're alone in our suffering and shame, but more likely than not, we are more alike in experiences, and even if we don't have the same experiences as other, we are eager to listen and learn, and offer advice. Not everyone is going to react the way we think.

5. Self-Forgiveness

Part of being a human is making mistakes. Perfection is merely just a concept that will never be attainable, but so many stress over to achieve. All of us at some point in our lives have done things that we told ourselves that we would never do, or violate the morals and values we hold. This is something that we all do and sometimes we may consider ourselves as "bad" people because of them, but violations don't necessarily mean that. Sometimes our actions may have been linked to a certain situation or time in our lives and can change as we progress in life.

When we come to realize this and how we are all susceptible to being imperfect, it's a lot easier to forgive others, including ourselves. Self-forgiveness will help us to alleviate a lot of our shame and guilt. It can lead us to a change in our perspective and interpretation of the mistake we made. We learn to become a lot more compassionate kind towards ourselves as we begin to understand that we may have made said mistakes during a time where we didn't care how we behaved, as opposed to believing we are "bad" people.

Self-forgiveness, just like forgiving someone else, doesn't mean that we are approving, forgetting, or even denying the pain that we have caused to other people. It involves recognizing that we are imperfect, we make mistakes, and that we can accept our shortcomings and the consequences of our actions. We have to be okay with acknowledging and recognizing that we have both good and negative qualities, and that we also have strengths and weaknesses.

Here's how we can begin to work towards self-forgiveness:

What do I need to forgive myself for?

What impact did my actions have on myself on others?

How will it continue to affect me and others?

How do I imagine my life will be better if I can forgive myself?

Forgiveness begins with understanding. What life experiences have I had that might have contributed to what I did?

What would I think about someone else who did the same thing?

What are some positive aspects about myself that I usually ignore when I'm feeling guilty or ashamed?

In a compassionate and kind voice, how can I forgive myself for what I've done?

What are some qualities that I have that can help me to move forward?

Adapted from Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger, Ph.d & Christine Padesky, Ph.d.

[machaaoo-blog]

Most likely to become an AO3 if it is as liked as I hope it to be.

Multi-chapter

Bad Lemons (Rated M) - Drugs, violence, language, etc.

It will have very touchy subjects that relate to very serious problems such as addiction and mental health -- if you can't handle it please don't read! (It'll come up in future chapters if I continue)

Description: Living it rough can really change a person, for better or worse. She became strong, bold and unbothered. Nothing could shake her back into a world full of untrue realities.

Fallin' Out

Chp 1 - Walk

"Where is Mina?" She hated waiting, she hated the train station even more. It's loud and obnoxious, which regularly interrupts her sleeping schedule. She would usually settle for a nice bench in the park or even the sidewalks that lead through a deserted alleyway; sadly both were taken by others who had her current living situation or rats. She'd rather her chances living amongst the rodents, maybe even be blessed with their sickness for the rest of her sad life than go back to a broke home. Of course she had other ways or options to get out of this predicament, she's full filled them, yet she never got the pay she deserved. Her welfare officer had an utmost disdain for her existence. He had and would go to lengths to make her life harder, and therefore couldn't be trusted. Then again her worse enemy yet had to be the people who she lived with: a drunk for a step father and a whore of a step mother, not to mention her elder step brother who doesn't pay a lick of rent allong with his crack sniffing wife. The female laid her head back abit and let out a single, "Fuck." How could she get adopted into their family, where the hell was child protective services when you needed them?!

She rubbef her bruised up limbs and does her best not flinch, and doesn't even bother to spare a glance at her wounds. She doesn't have enough bandages for that mess. Placed her pink fingertips on her cheek which was a mix of green and purple. She paid it no mind though. Not that she ever cared too much, but she why stress the luxury of caring about your appearance? Initially, even as a child, she always presumed that what truly mattered more than anything else about a person is personality. Hypocritically, however, she couldn't care less about either. Right now all that seemed to be on her mind was getting through her problems, with or without help.

You could say this makes Uraraka Ochako a rebellious teen. But yet that's not the case. She'll go wherever as she pleases, but she evades at all costs in the name of self-preservation. Put yourself in her shoes. How can someone last a day with her mentally unstable home? Truthfully when she was adopted into it, everything was dandy, until they went into a debt things just seemed to get out of hand. So she left and decided to break free, they never look for her, so who cared?

Ochako glanced up the clock. Though her chance to escape this time would depend on Mina's miraculous connections and genius planning, her fate rested in her best friends hands.

With a sharp inhale she slaps a bandaid on quickly and smooths it out tightly on the bridge of her nose. Placing her hand on the edge of the sink she looks up at her reflection. Curvaceous, petite, ghostly pale skin with contrasting pink cheeks with cuts and bruises scattered all over. She rolled her eyes and became resolute. Opening the door, then spamming it closed, she made her way out the bathroom she walks towards the bench, but is immediately halted when she sees a guy sitting in it. Her eyes narrow. A tall guy at that. Broad-backed with weird sand-blonde hair, why is it so...spiky? She stuffs her hands into her pockets and sits opposite the bench on the far side of the station waiting for him to leave. She wants to dictate it as a personal problem, but if he's depressed...well then she supposes he won't he moving a muscle any time soon meaning won't be getting her bed back for a long time.

20 minutes had passed and it was already 8:30am and he finally left his seat when a certain green haired boy hoisted Sparky off his heavy ass. They were total opposites and Ochako choked on her spit when the blond suddenly bitch smacked the other boy while both boarded the train.

"Ochako, it's me~!" Mina shouted, waving her small pink hands side to side.

"A private school...U.A? Mina, I know you see me as some Fallen Angel who could possibly be saved but they would never let me step foot on their grounds." Ochako placed her hand on her chest and gave a sly smile, "Look at me, all bruised up because some punk wouldn't lend me a light and look at him now." She pointed at the park bench across from them, "Knocked his ass out straight and now I'm stuck with his lighter that doesn't even work."

"I'm just trying to help you and give you a better life, Ochako. As your only friend take my offer. You know there's nothing for you here and you also know you have allot of pent up pride- let it go, and just come with me to U.A."

Ochako tilted her head to the side, her expression softened by the smile of Mina, her best friend.

°°°

"Ochako." She states. The receptionist looks up at her through her glasses with a look that says a first name like that wouldn't even slightly cut it at such a high-class school. The woman does some typing, and looks at the computer with no change of expression. This school held some of the finest and wealthiest, Ochako was out of her eliminate.

"Come with me."

Ochako followed behind the lady, her eyes looking out the school widows once in awhile to spot preppy teens. Even amongst the worst schools she's attended the students stuck out and looked different, they dressed and did as they pleased. Though her past schools were practically full of fights and no learning, gosh how she missed those days where her small gang ran amuck, when she felt empowered and dominating. She let of a tsk, it still felt that way, but those people she once addressed as family were quick to turn their backs. Clearly everything here is different from what she is used to. Designer brand bags, diamond watches and shoes she couldn't touch with her commoner hands. These damned rich kids all looked alike, she couldn't tell any apart, they all owned the same type of fashion and don't get her started on all the goop plastered on the female students faces. "Yuck." She stuck her tongue out at the window before entering another room with the serious, quiet receptionist.

°°°

Katsuki growled. "Aren't you supposed to be helping out the teachers or some shit?" She laughs as he intercepts her lips and responds immediately in the most favorable way. He pushes her against kitchen table, and slowly presses onto her receiving a deep moan in the process. She looked up at him with a gaze full of lust and want. "Who cares, someone else is can take care if it for me." She whined, pulling out out a condom with a smirk.

°°°

Ochako stared at her I.D with a look of disgust. Mina on the other hand slapped her knee and held her stomach, laughing like her life depended on it. "You look so ugly! EWW!" Mina pointed at the picture, "You flenched and your eyes are barely open!" She cackled. Ochako slammed open the window and held her arm back, "To hell with that." But before she could launch her arm and send that I.D flying Mina grabbed her arm. "Calm down, we got things to do, We gotta get you to your room."

"Well then take me to my room, please."

"But wait we gotta capture this moment!" Mina pulled out her phone and jumped back, getting on her knees and began to tap, flashes going off blinding the poor Brunette who stood before her.

"M-Mina please, my eyes-" Ochako placed her hands out covering the camera which signaled to her friend to stop; which, she did. "I wish you wore something cuter though." Mina pouted as she went through her photos, "You always wear the same thing Ochako."

And she wasn't wrong, her wardrobe was small, she never owned anything more than a phew shirts, jeans and underwear. Why by hundreds of dollars of clothes when she just needed seven pairs to last her throughout the week.

"What's wrong with how I look?"

"Well," Mina coughed, as they began to walk, "For starters...."

Ochako had wore the basics: A red baseball cap, a grey top and loose jeans that bagged from her waist abit to reveal her boyish underwear. Don't even get Mina started on the belly button piercing and tattoo. (which is located on her right arm, a whole sleeve so she constantly wears long sleeves when needed.)

"Alright but Mina remember you wanted to get these body modifications with me? And remember what you did? You chickened out because of your dad." Ochako placed her hand on her school dorms door, "You can't criticize what I wear either because you know I'm poor as shit." She unlocked the door and Mina stood behind her, a constant sorry escaping the pinkettes mouth, she opens the door, and stops in her tracks.

The sweaty bodies laid on the kitchen table, the blonde held a tiny naked waist with one hand whilst tugging at her short blonde hair. Ochako rose an eyebrow at the scene, this timing was horrible because those two were at mid-climax.

"Ah, yes! Katsuki-"

The blondes head falls in between the crook of the males neck. Her feet had become weightless.

"Ochako? Can we go in alrea-" Mina stops as she makes her way to the entrance. Ochako held her arm out from keeping Mina from entering any further. It finally took a few seconds for the two sexually tensed weirdos to notice the presence of two others.

"W-what are you doing here? Mina?!"

"What do you mean, what am I doing here, Toga?!" She shouted and covered her face, seeing a half naked Bakugou made the poor pinkettes hurl.

"Who the hel-" Toga was cut off.

Ochako walked into the room, unphased to see a naked man and woman, she lived in the streets and has seen this and much worse multiple times. Everyone in the situation just seemed to watch. As Ochako picked up their clothes she walked back to the nearest window opening it,

"This is my place, so get out."

Ochako threw their belongings out the window, their clothes slowly fluttering onto the schools dorm field. Toga and Katsuki grimaced, Mina slammed her forehead on the door and as for Ochako... well, she took a seat on the couch and flipped on the TV and began to watch animal planet.

[epajournal]

Anonymous9837 Not seeing new messages? Click here to correct.

Anonymous9837:

22:17

While an IMALIVE Volunteer is joining this chat, please take a moment to read this disclaimer. If your chat disconnects unexpectedly, it may be caused by wifi network connection issues, so please log back in and start a new chat. IMALIVE chat is for those who are thinking about suicide or are in distress. If you are having trouble seeing new messages or typing, please select - Click here to refresh - on top of the chat window. If you or someone you know is currently in the state of medical emergency, please dial 911 or your local emergency number for an ambulance. The volunteer will not be able to locate you without your help. If you wish to speak to someone on the phone right now, you can also call 1-800-SUICIDE(784-2433) or visit befrienders.org to find your local hotline. Please stay online while the next available volunteer is connecting to the chat....

Alex:

22:18

IMALIVE Volunteer joined the chat.

Alex:

22:18

Hi, my name is Alex. May I ask your name?

Anonymous9837:

22:18

Hey there. I guess Elise, that's my real name.

Anonymous9837:

22:18

I don't know, I feel silly doing this at all. I guess first, how are you?

Alex:

22:19

It sounds like you're worried about being judged

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Well, I'm mostly worried about being whiny, honestly.

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Like... I don't know, I'm not in an immediate place where I'm going to hurt myself, honestly

Alex:

22:19

Why don't we start with what brought you here today

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I just know if I don't talk about it or at least let someone know I'm having bad thoughts that it'll swell into a pretty crappy place later.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

Well, I guess just... My life's in a real weird place. I'm on medication but I've been off it for a few days, back on it again. I've been in therapy for close to a year but my life just seems to be getting worse.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I think I need to get a new therapist or something, or at least talk to her about improving our sessions. But it's tough.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

I also know that we're at a place where it's like... There's not too much more she can do for me in a lot of ways.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

And I guess that's scary.

Alex:

22:22

It can be very discouraging when you feel the help you're getting isn't helping. It sounds like this is adding extra stress to your life at a very bad time

Anonymous9837:

22:23

I wish I had something that was more unknown to me or had some big revelation about why I'm all dysfunctional, but. I don't. I feel like a car that's been taken apart and clearly you can see things aren't working right, but somehow you can't get the pieces to fit back together right. There's not much more to do than just trash it, you know?

Anonymous9837:

22:23

And yeah, it's demotivating. It took me a long time to go to therapy again, I mean I went through a bunch of therapy as a kid and none of it was too much help. I took a chance with it again recently and it's just been...

Anonymous9837:

22:24

I guess a lot of it has been useful, at the very least I can say I'm working on it, but I just want to be... Not even "fine", but just better.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

It's hard to imagine a year ago that I was nearly a functioning person, but. I guess it's a real shaky support that keeps that facade going, things were clearly going wrong.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

Sorry, I feel weird not asking again, how are you?

Alex:

22:26

No need to feel weird. We are here to work with you and focus on how you are doing

Anonymous9837:

22:26

Well, thank you.

Anonymous9837:

22:27

I'm in my late twenties and live with my mom and brother... Our house isn't big enough for everyone so we ended up with me in the basement, but in the last few months I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and moved upstairs, even though that means not having a room and sleeping in the living room.

Anonymous9837:

22:29

And it's been a rough adjustment. I can't get myself to take care of my messes easily as it is, so combine having a small house where I don't have a room, things build up, people get upset. I've been out of work since last July, I had some financial fortune to get by but I fucked that up pretty badly and I'm broke again, but I just... There's no way I can hold a job. My therapist and I are working on SSI but it just... takes a while, and it makes me feel like I'm a brat.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

My mom's disabled, physically, so it's like. I feel like I'm making an excuse for myself when I should just be having a job. I've worked before for years, but I just can't. I mean I can barely keep myself showered, or bother to eat, even though I'm a fat sunnovabitch because I rarely leave my house.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

So it's just... Things get tense. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

The answer seems to be that it'd be easiest if I weren't here, but aside from it being a scary idea, I know that'd be a lot of shit my family would have to go through.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

But I still think about it a lot, and it's upsetting.

Anonymous9837:

22:32

I just want to be left alone, honestly. I feel like most of my life I haven't had any chance to just "be". I want to exist but just barely, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:33

I've been working on it, it doesn't look like it, but I have been. I'm just not well, physically and psychologically. Today I started an herb garden, I'm raising them from seeds, hopefully they work.

Anonymous9837:

22:34

I try to take my dog out, I got a FitBit so I can be mindful of my movement. But as soon as I do these things, people think I'm shirking important things, but... I need to do anything I can now, because otherwise I just do nothing.

Alex:

22:34

You sound very invested in your recovery. It can be tough feeling like a burden on people, but it sounds like you have a family that you care about and that cares about you. So it sounds like at some point in the past you felt you were doing better, but you now feel yourself spiraling in a downward direction. You're not sure if it's the move to a less private living situation, or the medication or if you should try seeing a new professional and it sounds like all these factors are really overwhelming you

Anonymous9837:

22:35

I fantasize about running away a lot. But I have a dog who I feel like I need to be there for even though my family would take care of her, and I have a 20 year-old cat... And I don't want to ditch him.

Anonymous9837:

22:35

Yeah, that all sounds fair. I mean, it's a long history of dysfunction, I can't even tell you my family history and growing up.

Anonymous9837:

22:36

I guess the one good thing about therapy is I'm finally so tired of mourning my past because I just can't be bothered to talk about it anymore, which is saying something, because it's been the only thing I can discuss with any passion for a while.

Anonymous9837:

22:37

But now I'm just like, "here I am," and it's crappy. Like, that's done. There's nothing I can do that I haven't already to try and compartmentalize and digest it better. But I'm still messed up and now I'm an adult and nobody can fix it for me.

Anonymous9837:

22:38

Some days I feel okay. But I just... I'm tired all the time and I don't care about anything, the only thing that I actually feel emotionally responsive to is when I'm upsetting people.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I tried to move into my dad's a number of years ago after he told me there'd "always be a place" for me with him, and he knows things have been awful, and he's a lot to blame for it. But when I did, he suddenly didn't have room, which sucked. It kind of felt like I finally went to make a huge change in my life even though I was scared and ultimately was told, "nah." Like... Idk.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I just keep thinking I need to get out of here, and the only feasible way I can imagine that is to not exist anymore.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

But that's a whole mess to itself.

Anonymous9837:

22:40

It's a good thing I'm anxious about what happens after you die, though. A lot of the time that's the only thing that keeps me here-- I guess that's true for a lot of people, but still.

Alex:

22:41

There really is no easy fix, which can make things seem hopeless. Elise, have you been thinking about suicide?

Anonymous9837:

22:41

Oh sure, but that's nothing new. I think about it pretty constantly, but I'm not going to enact it.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

I walked in on my mom readying to kill herself when I was thirteen and decided I didn't want to do that to anybody.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

But it's still a thought, and it's one of those things where it's just... Super depressing to realize that's what you'd kind of like to do.

Alex:

22:43

But you haven't thought about how and when you want to kill yourself and you're able to stay safe while we continue to chat?

Anonymous9837:

22:44

Yeah, I'm okay. That's why I'm talking now, so I don't have more of these thoughts later. I took an Ativan recently and I'm getting pretty calmed down in addition to that. I'm not in any danger to myself now, but. It's preventative, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

I've never really thought /how/ I'd kill myself, they all seem pretty creepy. More of what would happen after, which I guess is less dangerous.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

(my ativan is prescription, btw, I don't use it often but I do have it officially for when I need it)

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just kind of needed someone to talk to so it didn't stay in my head and chest and get into Bad Territory.

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just hope I'll be Okay someday. I keep thinking I'm about to get to the final corner of this maze but it just keeps goddamn turning.

Alex:

22:47

Ok. Well Elise, what else do you think would help you right now? It sounds like having someone to talk to has helped with the stress a bit

Anonymous9837:

22:47

And it's tough, too, because you can't see all the progress you've made in these situations. But that's the depression talking.

Anonymous9837:

22:47

and yeah, it has, I'm getting pretty relaxed again already, so thank you for that.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I think I need to contact my therapist and discuss making our appointments more constructive, and contact my doctor to start finding a psychiatrist I like. My recent one retired.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

Which sucks, I really liked her.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I need to keep on my SSI application... And just keep working through my list of to-do's, since every one of those I complete makes me feel like I'm doing a little bit better.

Anonymous9837:

22:49

I guess for right now I should get something to eat or drink and do little things, maybe just fold my clothes while I watch a movie, and probably write in my journal.

Anonymous9837:

22:50

And maybe tonight I'll go for a drive for some privacy and have a good cry-- I've been needing to do that for a while now.

Alex:

22:51

It sounds like feeling like you are making steps toward your recovery is important to you. You have a very well built plan of next steps to take.

Anonymous9837:

22:52

Thanks, I guess it's a matter of me actually doing them, haha. My mom actually is out here trying to get me to talk to her and... I think I should, I don't mean to cut off from you so quickly, but I'm calmed down and I know there are people out there in actual danger.

Alex:

22:52

Would you like someone from the IMAlive Team to follow up with you? That follow-up would be via email, a few days after this chat.

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Mm... I think I'm okay, actually-- Or, would that be just a check-in, I guess?

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Sure, you can contact me at *********@gmail.com, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Gives me something to keep working on myself for so I can reply with positive news, haha.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Hopefully!

Alex:

22:54

A check-in. Ok Elise a member of IMAlive will follow up with you. In the meantime, be good to yourself smiley

Anonymous9837:

22:55

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you listening to me.

🙂

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