#but idk if they can actually help me very much with celiac

[consolecadet]

Described my ED history to this dietician and they were like "and you were really never in an inpatient program?"

😬

[purplesurveys]

963

Who will you be spending Christmas with this year? I will be with immediate family, that I’m sure of. Whether we’ll be celebrating with extended family is still undecided on, and unpredictable tbh, obviously because of Covid. Our situation is super delayed compared to most countries’ and we’re still on a very strict lockdown so it’s hard to tell where we’ll be in two months.

What time do you usually go to sleep at night? Lately I’m able to doze off by 9 or 10 on weeknights because work wipes me tf out. On weekends, I’m able to stick to my usual bedtime of midnight. 

Did you go to high school with your current best friend? I went to the same high school with both of them, yes. The three of us were even classmates in junior year, but that’s the only time it happened.

Have you ever wanted to be vegetarian or vegan? I’ve wanted to give it a try, yes. But I live in such a vegetarian/vegan-unfriendly country in terms of cuisine that such a lifestyle is nearly impossible to keep up. There are very few resources to help you get started, the few vegetarian places tend to be really expensive and only based in urban areas, and actually being able to spot a vegan place is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Do you park your car in a garage, carport or just in a driveway? Carport.

Have you ever been a passenger in a semi-trailer truck? I don’t think I’ve ever been on one, no.

Have you felt sick today? Not sick per se, but I was quite melancholic today and my stomach got affected by that a bit so I guess a little.

Whose was the last funeral you attended? I’ve never attended a funeral, just wakes. The last one I attended was Nacho’s, almost exactly a year ago. Fuck man. I miss him. I still really really do.

Have you read The Hunger Games trilogy? No. I grew out of reading at that point. I did watch the first movie because they showed it so many times on TV...

How many times a week do you wash your hair? 5-7 times a week. I wash it every time I shower. If I don’t wash it long enough it starts to feel greasy, and I hate that feeling.

Do you need to wash your hair right now? No, I already did this morning.

Do you avoid using public restrooms? As much as I can. I only ever go in emergency cases, if I can no longer hold it in; or if my period suddenly arrives while I’m out.

What is your boss’ (or school principal’s) name? I’m an intern so I don’t really work for any boss...but I’ve noticed that the associates I work with usually show pitches to one of the directors, whose name starts with E. I don’t want to give away their name.

Have you seen any extended relatives in the last month? Yes. Last month I went to my uncle’s house to pick up the revel bars that my mom ordered from him. He was sleeping though so it was my aunt (his cousin who lives with him) who greeted me.

Do you like eggnog? I don’t think I’ve ever had it before. < Same. It sounds SO good though??? I’ve always wanted to try it. It’s just not a very common drink here at all.

Is there anything important you need to do today? No. It’s a Saturday evening and I only plan to take surveys, eat pizza rolls, and watch videos until I pass out.

Who is the person you dislike the most? I don’t think I feel that strongly for anyone at the moment. I haven’t seen anyone other than my family in months, so there’s really no reason for me to develop a sense of dislike for any certain person.

Girls, how old were you when you first got your period? I had just turned 10. I was definitely one of the early birds.

Do you take part in paying the bills for your household? Not yet but I plan to, once I get my cut from this internship.

Have you ever properly listened to classical music? Did you like it? I don’t know what you mean by ‘properly,’ but like I don’t analyze classical music or think too hard about it. It’s just nice music to keep around if I need to focus on a task or whatever.

Do your parents know how to text? Yeah they both have their own phones. They’re not that old, lol.

Do you text your parents often? Well definitely not these days, since I’m always at home and there’s nothing to text them for. Before Covid, I always texted my mom whenever I was staying out late on a school night just so she’d know of my whereabouts.

Do you watch Youtube videos often? Everyday. I have one on right now.

What’s your favourite type of cookie? Chocolate chip, or the dark chocolate macadamia nut cookie from Starbucks.

Do you enjoy embracing the Christmas spirit or are you more of a scrooge? I wouldn’t say scrooge but I’m definitely more depressed whenever December rolls around. Celebrating and spending time with extended family always lessens the sad, though. I look forward to only those moments.

In your town, what’s your favourite place to get takeout? Not a lot of cool, indie joints where I live, so sorry I’m about to give a plain ass answer lol. McDonald’s.

What letter does your middle name begin with? A.

Do your initials spell an actual word? It does not.

What will you do when this survey is over? Take another one. Or maybe write on my journal, idk.

Do you know anyone with celiac disease? I don’t think so.

What’s the weather like today? It was cloudy and rainy, but also humid ugh. I hate how my favorite weather usually comes at a price.

Have you ever eaten a cinnamon donut? I’m sure I have.

What is the longest relationship you’ve ever been in? 4 years, 7 months.

How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once.

How do you usually celebrate New Years? Family comes over, we have dinner, and then my cousins and I band together and we’ll wait for midnight by playing a shit ton of video games, then we go up the rooftop around 11:50 to watch the fireworks and wait for the new year. Once the fireworks shows are over we go back to the living room to continue playing until we all start to get sleepy one by one. 

Is the place that you’re in right now quiet or loud? What can you hear? It’s a bit loud but only because I have the noisiest aircon in the house HAHA. I now own the same aircon that used to be my parents’ even before I was born, so it definitely doesn’t have the technology to be a quieter aircon.

Do you currently have any alarms set? No. I don’t need to set any.

How many cars can fit in your driveway? I’d say around 2-3.

Do you like whiskey? Fuck no. Tastes like death to me.

When was the last time you ate, and what did you have? Like 2 minutes ago? I took a bite from my pizza roll.

[rcfcel]

*  /  𝔰𝔲𝔯𝔭𝔯𝔦𝔰𝔢  𝔟*𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔰  !  bet  you  thought  you'd  seen  the  last  of  me  !  lol  apparently  i  like  to  challenge  myself  and  just  haD  to  bring  in  my  new  man  so  yeah  hi  ,  meet  raf  /  rj  !  i'm  v  excited  for  y'all  to  meet  him  —  fair  warning  ,  i'm  starting  from  scratch  with  him  cause  i  got  #inspired  so  i  apologize  if  the  info  below  is  a  mess  !  pls  love  us  .

( tommy martinez, cis male, he/him ) i just saw RAFAEL MICHELENA walking down the streets of provincetown the other day playing CHATEAU by BLACKBEAR out loud. rumor has it that the TWENTY THREE year old is GENEROUS, but can also be AGGRESSIVE — overall they’re a MAVERICK. they remind me of LEATHER SEATS IN BLACK CADILLACS, CIGARETTES SMASHED TO ASHES IN ASHTRAYS, & MALT WHISKEY POURED OVER ICE. ( lenny the pooh, 5, antarctica, she/her )

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔟𝔞𝔰𝔦𝔠𝔰 :

full name : rafael johan michelena

nicknames : raf , rj

age / dob : twenty3 / february 14 , 1996

gender : cis male ( he / him )

sexuality : openly bisexual

occupation : firefighter

hometown : provincetown , ma

label : the maverick ( an unorthodox or independent-minded person )

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔰𝔱𝔬𝔯𝔶 :

so dear rafael here was raised by a single father after his mother passed away shortly after he was born due to complications during labour . raf’s father never really wanted kids as he’d been wanting to focus on his paramedic career and was worried he wouldn’t be home enough to be with his family , but his beloved wife had assured him everything would work out in the end — which , of course , it didn’t really because he was left alone with a baby boy he didn’t know how to take care of .

his dad struggled for most of raf’s childhood , having to juggle both his demanding career and an even more demanding child , but with the help of close family and a very generous family who lived next door and took care of raf whenever his father worked night shifts , it all did work out in the end , just as his late mother had promised .

despite his father being away so much , raf developed a very strong relationship with his father . when he was young , his father was away a lot because he was just starting in paramedics so he got stuck with the less desirable shifts — but as rj grew older , his father moved up the ranks of his career and finally made it into a position that didn’t keep him away from home as late , allowing the two to spend some actual time together .

from a young age , raf knew he wanted to save lives like his father . fun fact : one night when he was young and staying over at the neighbour’s house , he drew a little picture of his father in uniform and then drew himself wearing a little uniform too — the neighbour showed this to his father when he picked him up and the grown man damn near cried .

raf has always been super proud of his dad for chasing his dreams and taking on each obstacle that came his way . 

at first , he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a paramedic — which he did , for a short while . after his school graduation , he went to school to get his emt ( emergency medical technician ) certificate and then worked to become a paramedic , by the time he was twenty one he was working the same job in provincetown his dad had been when he was young .

after about a year and a half , raf realized he wanted more . as a paramedic he worked closely with the provincetown firefighters and had always found their bravery inspiring . he got along with the crew well and one night over drinks he confided in them about possibly following along their career path instead . of course they all jumped to say do it , while also giving raf good advice and facts about the job , but nothing they said scared raf away from it — if anything , he was even more excited .

so fast forward a few months , and a very gruelling entrance exam and training period , and he switched out his paramedic uniform for a firefighter uniform and joined his buddies in the station .

it’s been about a year now since he first put on that uniform and rj truly hasn’t looked back since . the hours are rough and the job is laborious , but it’s also super rewarding and he wouldn’t change it for the world .

currently , he lives in a cozy ass apartment in provincetown on his own , although he spends many nights at the station when he’s on duty so i have this headcanon that his apartment is like .. hotel raf lmAO like need a place to crash and get away from shit ? there’s a spare key under the mat .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢 :

labels(s) : the maverick , the hedonist , the contingent

maverick : due to his father’s extraneous job , raf grew extremely independent at a young age . when he was finally old enough to stay home and take care of himself , he honestly thrived .

hedonist : working in such emotionally challenging jobs has taught raf to really live life to its fullest and treasure every moment . he never takes anything for granted and is almost always looking for a fun time during his days off .

contingent : while his independence is clear in how he can take care of himself and make his own decisions , raf is incredibly dependent on those around him for support and companionship . he struggles with being alone and is in constant need of company and friendship .

traits : generous , charming , aggressive , protective , passionate , diligent , indulgent , short - tempered .

aesthetics : leather seats in black cadillacs , thick ringlets curling around chiseled features , black jeans with a lighter in the back pocket , cigarettes smashed to ashes in ashtrays , malt whiskey poured over ice , callused hands stuffed in the pockets of a leather jacket .

soundtrack : honestly , i’ve been listening to blackbear during raf’s entire conception so you can literally just listen to his entire discography to get a feel for his vibe .

personality : while he inherited his father’s passion , drive , and general kind demeanour , raf definitely made a name for himself with his slightly mysterious aura at first glance — maybe it’s the mostly black wardrobe , the cigarette that usually dangles from his lips , or the way his brow creases whenever he listens to someone speak like they’re the only person in the universe , he’s a little intimidating at first — but honestly , anyone who really knows him would laugh at people who comment on his mystery : “ yeah , i thought he was gonna be a total asshole at first , could not have been more wrong though ” has definitely been said numerous times about him .

raf’s actually probably the biggest teddy bear in ptown . his heart is somehow bigger than his hair and he welcomes everyone into his life with open arms ( after a short trial run to make sure they’re not gonna fuck with him of course )

he truly loves his friends more than anything . i’m not kidding when i say his apartment is hotel raf cause legit if u need a place to crash , even if it’s 4 in the morning , you can knock on his door and he’ll likely even give up his bed for you .

wears his heart on his sleeve , probably a little too much for his own good , but thrives off of honesty and trust so he’s definitely your go to guy if you’ve got shit going on .

also your go to guy if you need someone’s ass kicked . he’s a firefighter for crying out loud , he drinks preworkout like it’s water and could probably bench the entire snack pack lbr .

he’s a big old hopeless romantic too — he was born on valentine’s day after all .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔫𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔰 :

once again , let me scream into the void that i am open to pretty much anything . lay it all on me , give me your worst and just rIP my heart out why don’t you . but ! below is a list of ideas i brainstormed up for raf 

i really want someone from the family that helped take care of him when he was little !

neighbours , childhood best friends , childhood crush / first kiss

gym buddies PLS give raf a buddy he can call up to go play basketball or challenge to a weight lifting comp LOL

past / present hook ups ! raf’s an emotional guy but his job is stressful as fuck and he def needs soME sort of way to unwind .

exes ! mayhaps they dated in high school and broke up cause theY went off to college while raf stayed back in ptown .

brOS OHMYGODPLS give me joey and chandler , jake and charles , troy and chAD

a brother / sister friendship pls ! someone he can be way too protective of .

platonic soulmates ! my fav !!

an angsty flirtationship / skinny love type deal .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔠𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔫𝔰 :

his apartment is suPER masculine . like exposed brick walls , brown leather couches , stainless steel appliances , dark oak tables and shelves , probably big windows all over the place cause he loves natural sunlight . and the whole snack pack 100% knows where the spare key is in case of emergencies ( insert that one scene of friends where monica’s like “ i gave you that key for emergencies ” and phoebe’s like “ we were out of doritos ” )

he’s got a lil grey pit bull named lily that he saved a few months ago ! she’s his pride and joy .

like .. rarely uses his phone . he’s got all the social medias , but only really checks it when someone tags him in something or whatever . prefers to call over text cause texting annoys him , he’s an impatient fuck .

definitely is the pack’s lil doctor . he’ll always unwind and have a fun time , but will 100% be on alert at all times for accidents or anything bad that could happen . and if it does happen , he’s first on the scene — i mean , why wouldn’t you want a licensed paramedic that looks like tommy martinez icing your sprained ankle right ?

he’s never really travelled much , aside from the times he’s been called to neighbouring towns / cities during big emergencies and such with his crew . he’s got major wanderlust and really wants to travel to venezuela and such , but he’s also perfectly content staying in ptown for now .

he’s a celiac — idk why , i just wanted to give him some sort of weakness cause he seems too perfect rn .

[crabbybun]

there are different kinds of GMOs please stop acting like you know what you're talking about LOL

You have clearly never met me.

If there’s one thing I love to do, it’s read.  If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’swriting research papers.  The fact that Ihave anxiety and read random Wikipedia articles to cope means you just gave mea challenge.

To start, I have a pretty loose definition of GMO.  Considering that, since the time humansdeveloped agriculture, we have been cross-breeding plants & animals to fitspecific needs/solve a problem/create a specific taste/etc. – thereforealtering their genetic makeup – I consider most of what is consumed by humansociety to be a GMO.  To split hairs now,to essentially say that the new technology we develop to continue to do whatwe’ve been doings since early civilization, is now somehow “bad” without anyclear evidence to back it up just smacks of hypocrisy to me.  Like, if you actually do research, you’llfind out stuff like we used to use X-rays and Radium to genetically modifyplants but yeah it’smodern biotechnology that’s killing us.  

To address your assertation – of course there are differentGMOs.  The definition of “organism” iskinda broad to begin with.  According toWikipedia [fuck whata professor says; it’s a good place to learn broad knowledge of a topic, if youhave critical thinking skills] it’s very close to the technical legal term“living modified organism” and if that isn’t the broadest thing I’ve ever heardof idk what is.  And while the term GMOdoes not generally refer to organisms that have had genetic material added tothem to change them, transgenic crops have geneticmaterial added to them, not “chemicals”of any sort.  

[That’s another pet peeve of mine – the crusade against“chemicals” by the pure life groups. Nothing has ever sounded more like pseudo-science than that crap.]

However, the fact that there are different GMOs doesn’t makethe supposed “controversy” over their safety any less inane.  I’ll freely admit that, despite my terriblyunderdeveloped digestive system, I am a major foodie and I don’t reallydiscriminate in what kinds of food I’ll eat. That means that I’ll look at all the vegetarian & vegan dishes thatpeople make – and even some gluten-free ones for my Celiac bestie.  A friend from high school found me onFacebook and she had gone way raw vegan by that point so…I have been around the“GMOs are unsafe” discourse the most.  

The first genetically engineered plant is reported in 1983 –a tobacco plant resistant to a specific kind of bacteria.  Genetically engineered animals go back evenearlier.  That means that the scientificcommunity has been studying GMOs for at least 35 years.  That’s a lot of time to study; that could betwo generations worth of people to look at!

And in that 35 years, they haven’t found any real dangerwith GMO crops.  The Library of Congressnotes that the scientific consensus is

“indicating that there is no evidence that GMOs present unique safety risks compared to conventionally bred products.” 

This study looked at 10 years of GMO cropsafety.  Anotherliterature review consisting of 6 years of studies came to roughly the sameconclusion.  And a decade of EU-funded GMO research says 

“The main conclusion to be drawn from the efforts of more than 130research projects, covering a period of more than 25 years of research, andinvolving more than 500 independent research groups, is that biotechnology, andin particular GMOs, are not per se more risky than e.g. conventional plantbreeding technologies.”

Note: these are from several places, not all American.  Is that enough for you? What about the American Association for the Advancement of Science who says 

“contrary to popular misconceptions, GM crops are the mostextensively tested crops ever added to our food supply” 

and while 

“there areoccasional claims that feeding GM foods to animals causes aberrations…althoughsuch claims are often sensationalized and receive a great deal of mediaattention, none have stood up to rigorous scientific scrutiny.”  

The AMA agrees and their Council on Science and Public Health found that 

“bioengineered foodshave been consumed for close to 20 years, and during that time, no overtconsequences on human health have been reported and/or substantiated in thepeer-reviewed literature.”   

Yes, I agree with the Food & Agricultural Organization ofthe UN that any new plants that wecreate have to be studied for adverse effects,but considering the testing that GMOs go through in most developed countries, Idon’t really worry about their safety when they come to the market.  The idea that GMOs are, in fact, extensivelytested for safety on a regular basis is reinforced by this article in theJournal of the Royal Society of Medicine: 

“The European Food Safety Authority and each individual member state have detailed the requirements for a full risk assessment of GM plants and derived food and feed. In the USA, the Food and Drug Agency, the Environmental Protection Agency and the US Department of Agriculture, Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service are all involved in the regulatory process for GM crop approval.”  

The same study also finds that: 

“goods derived from GM crops have been consumed by hundreds of millions of people across the world for more than 15 years, with no reported ill effects (or legal cases related to human health), despite many of the consumers coming from that most litigious of countries, the USA.”

So let’s just lay it out there: science says GMOs are safe –so safe that even Bill Nye had to change his mind about them -and there is now an absolute mound of science to look at.  

However, one of the things that bugs me about the pseudo-sciencethat keeps bunk like this around is that it’s detrimental to the science takingplace on a large scale with this.  Our globalpopulation is rising quickly, and we need to address the challenges that gowith that.  Plant genetics could hold thekey to things like global food security, for instance.  Climate change threatens how we doagriculture now and GM crops could be a lifesaver.  We’re losing fresh water for crops and GMcrops could be adapted to that.  Tbh I’vefound that a lot of this bunk is rolled up in privilege that doesn’tacknowledge the fact that GMOs are helping out in needed areas of theworld.  This article in Genetics magazine talks about adapting GM ricefor resistance to floods in places like Southeast Asia or India, and how drought-resistancecorn can help in Africa.  This articlefrom the National Academies Press discusses how genetic modification can simply affect the yield of crops.  

There’s a lot that can be done for a lot of people that canbetter their daily quality of living, and that is worth a lot more to me than abunch of pseudo-science ignoramuses standing in the way of progress.  It’s kind of a racist argument, to me.  Not to mention that your idea of “there aremany different GMOs” – insinuating that some may be dangerous – is as dumb asan anti-vaccer saying “well there are many different kinds of vaccines so onemay cause autism!”  Much like that argument,there is ample evidence to suggest GMOs are safe.  Considering that pretty much everything youeat was engineered to be that way, y’all just better learn to deal withthat.  

Every carrot you eat is a GMO

Every orange you eat is a GMO

Get tf over it already.

[wendyswriting]

There was a PROBLEM!!!

I had my Endo appointment on June 12th, and it was well worth the drive! Well, I mean, I find a drive alone pleasant anyway, but this was good. Aside from my GPS taking me to a different place, the auxiliary members inside not knowing WTF I was talking about or even that Endocrinology existed (for real, and one lady was like, “Is that a kind of cancer, dear?”), then giving me incorrect directions and making me late for check-in, it was all good. And now I know how to get to the office so we’re good!

Roberta asked me to move my chair over to her so she could take notes, enter my data, and also pay attention to me and make eye contact with me. Great start! She had actually READ my big long symptom list and right off the bat acknowledged that I “have a LOT going on!”

OMG. Yes. Please be my Endo doc forever.

So then she asked me a LOT of questions and actually LISTENED to my answers. She asked a few a couple of times, either because she had been typing when I answered and maybe missed my answers or wanted to see if I gave any further info. IDK but it doesn’t matter. I felt very valued, listened to, and validated. She said that she likes that I’m an informed, advocating patient (indicating toward the stack of papers and manila envelopes I had brought).

She did mention there was no supporting lab values for the dx of Hashimoto’s, but I think there are. I’ve had a few antibody tests run. But when I mentioned that, she said she’d prefer to see where they are now, and go from there. I’m fine with that. Being informed from testing done now as opposed to testing done several years ago is good with me.

She had one of those plastic displays showing the types of thyroids seen in people with various conditions. The normal one was smooth.  The Hashimoto’s one was enlarged, irregularly shaped, and bumpy. She felt my thyroid, gave me some water and had me swallow while she palpitated the area, and told me she thinks I have a nodule on my left side. I couldn’t help but think of the scene in Pitch Perfect where the redhead dramatically tells the girls “I… have nodes.” :-P

She then drafted orders for over a dozen lab tests (with about five of them being panels with oodles of tests each, so TONS of testing being done!) including the Hashimoto’s antibody, CBC, CMP, thyroid panel, celiac panel (duuuuude that would SUCK), and a bunch of others. I’m hoping I can get signed up for the portal soon so I can get those results!!I had them drawn the next day, which was 5 days ago, and she said some of them and DNA tests that can take about 2 weeks to process. I tried getting on the portal and was unsuccessful, so I’ll need to call on Monday and have someone enable me.

She ordered a thyroid ultrasound, which I’ve never had done before. I was excited to have it, though I know that for the most part, my testing tends to come back as WNL (Within Normal Limits) even if I feel like shit. So I had it done Thursday and Doyle was the tech doing it. I love getting ultrasounds done by Doyle, because he’s great at explaining everything he’s doing and answering questions along the way within his scope of knowledge/ability. Fully expecting my thyroid would look perfect (perhaps but for a small nodule), I was surprised when he had JUST put the wand onto my neck and laughed. “Your thyroid looks exactly like mine, kind of creepily so, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. I shouldn’t laugh! I’ve just never seen someone whose thyroid looked like mine before!”

Fuck yeah. Validation.

Because of the angle of my head during the test, I couldn’t see what he was doing, so he told me when he was done he would go through everything with me and explain what he found. Did I mention I love having Doyle do my ultrasounds?

When we were done, He walked me through it and showed me that my thyroid is enlarged, bumpy, heterogeneous (doesn’t all look the same), and actually has a couple of nodules, one that was what Roberta felt, and one that is in the middle part that connects the two lobes. Both are about the size of a marble, so IDK how I can’t feel them!

Roberta called me the next day and left a voicemail (I missed her call, dammit!) letting me know that my thyroid does show a couple of nodules that she wants to get biopsies on. She made it a point to emphasize that most nodules are perfectly benign and not to worry about them. And I’m not. I am, however, SUPER curious to know what my life and body would look like if all else was the same but my thyroid was normal. What difference does it actually have on my life? What impact?

I asked at the hospital and they don’t do fine needle thyroid biopsies here, and the consensus was that Flagstaff was the closest place. But it turns out they do them in-office down in Cottonwood. I know it’s an extra hour drive, but I really don’t mind having it done right there in-house with my doc. In fact, I like that idea. The biopsy itself is a trip, and I hope they use that stuff that numbs the skin for future pokes, because that’s a lot of pokes. The site I looked on showed 2-6 pokes, and I think because I have two maybe twice that? IDK but she will call me Monday to talk about it more.

What would my life look like if my thyroid was normal? What would my body look like?

Would I wake up each morning feeling like I actually got sleep? Would I have the energy to go for a run? To blend up a nice protein smoothie and do some yoga before work? Would I not weigh damn near 300 lbs and feel like I barely have the energy to move my body from one side to the other in bed? Would I feel like I could make it through a day without my body screaming at me to lay down and nap? Would I not have to pace myself because I know I only have so much energy to spend? Would my body not ache down to my bones every day for no apparent reason?

So many questions. So many things I wonder. So many things I hope to find out.   I’m very curious to see how things go from here! I feel like I have a long way to go, because she told me that since I DO have so much going on, we were going to have to pick a place to start and go from there. I must remind myself to have patience. I can’t help but want to tackle everything going on since I’ve found someone who actually takes me seriously, and she will help with it, but pacing myself will be a challenge to overcome.

Having someone take my problems seriously and giving me the glimmer of hope that I can get better is just so exciting!

[rosafaen]

..

It’s me again. Day 2. Today is better than yesterday. I’ve done some things. I emailed a lawyer about my situation with work. I cleaned the house, and realized I want to burn the majority of things I have from my mother, maybe do a severance spell. A lot of my negative self image is her voice from childhood in my head, and I have to get rid of that to be who I want to be. I also realized that part of my anger lately is just that I’m dissatisfied with my life. I always was adamantly against being a housewife, and yet, here I am. 

My health declined dramatically about a year ago. My stomach was upset one way or the other most days, my joints were hurting constantly, sometimes to the point that I couldn’t even get off the couch without help. I couldn’t open drinks by myself, I was suffering from very low libido. I was exhausted and miserable all the time. I ended up finding out I have Celiac disease, which the only cure for that is to go gluten free and be very meticulous about avoiding cross contamination. I work at a grocery chain as a produce clerk. I mostly liked my job, minus my asshole assistant department manager and a few coworkers. But, I missed a lot of work due to the upset stomach. You can’t be at work and have those kinds of symptoms. I went from being on track to becoming management to a part time clerk who had to leave 25-50% of the time I tried to work. 

Flash forward to March. COVID-19 was terrifying from someone who is immunodeficient. My department manager and store manager both told me that our company’s stance on the pandemic was that high risk employees could stay home as long as they needed to be safe and come back when things were safe again. Here comes May, I get a letter in the mail saying that they consider me resigned as of April 20th for not working for 30 consecutive days. I had nothing in writing protecting me. I was told there were only forms for military leave of absence and FMLA. I also found out my unemployment was approved and now idk how this affects that. I’ve contacted a lawyer through the state bar and I’m waiting to see what options I have. 

I’m staying at home 90% of my time now. The only person I see is my fiance, who is a handyman. He’s only taking outside jobs right now to try to protect me. I usually get most of my socialization done online anyway, so this isn’t new for me. What is new for me is how on edge everyone is. Even people I previously liked are so sharp and confrontational. It just seems like the world is a powder-keg and covid 19 is the match. I’ve had to make a new facebook and I’m only adding people who don’t stress me out. People are already testing that. Part of me wants to just completely isolate because I can’t handle the tension, part of me knows I will go crazy without interaction. I am also having to leave my neopets guild. I started talking to them offsite and I found out most of the council is a bunch of snarky girls who give me high school flashbacks. I won’t be friends with bullies. My best friends are all having severe mental health problems, two have been feeling suicidal, and everyone is just really going through some rough times. I feel like I’m constantly on alert, trying to help everyone as much as I can. They help me back, it isn’t all one sided like it has been in the past. But I still am exhausted. 

I feel like I’ve gone through so much this year. The fucked up thing is that I’m actually better off financially than I was before COVID started. My credit cards are paid off, my bills are caught up, minus mortgage and truck, which is deferred for now. I really hope that we can break off from my fiance’s current boss. He’s such an ass. My poor guy is working like 6 days a week right now, working for the boss 3-4 days a week and us 2-3. 

I physically still can’t do as much. My stomach is better mostly, but I am still having a lot of physical pain. I’m going to a rheumatologist for this now, hoping to have answers soon. I’m also mentally struggling a lot. I should be utilizing this time for the soaping business and the handyman business, and my art/creative projects, but I’ve just been gaming and existing. My executive dysfunction has never been worse. I’m trying so hard, but it’s such a struggle daily just to even do cleaning tasks. I realized today I’m a broken housewife, and I never wanted to even be a regular one. I’ve always felt a bit... negatively? About housewives, not stay at home mom’s, that’s different to me because I know taking care of kids is a full time job. But part of me was always like, how is that fulfilling,  do you have no passions, are you lazy? Other people do these minute household  matters on top of working. In hindsight, I do see how fuckered that line of thinking is, I just, almost became that woman with my high school sweetheart and I hated who she was. My feelings about that had more to do with myself and my dreams than it did about anyone else. But, now I’m sitting here, looking around, realizing that I’m not capable of what was once my worst nightmare. It seems like such a small thing to tidy up and cook for two adults, but I’m not capable most days. I feel guilty at that because my fiance already works so much, and my self esteem is just shot. 

Today was better than the past few. Hopefully tomorrow is the same. 

[gotnoileum]

3 weeks post op

its been 3(ish) weeks now since i had my surgery.  ive lost 10 pounds since before i had it, and i still havent gained anything back, BECAUSE i have no idea what to eat or how to eat.  I think i might have short bowel syndrome, apparently you can have it temporarily after a major intestinal surgery.  Ive been not eating because i know its going to make me have to go to the bathroom multiple times and when i have classes i just dont have the time for that cuz im going to be out and about.  

Idk what to do, ive been looking up diet plans for people with short gut and it seems so daunting to me right now, especially since i have celiac as well. 6-8 small meals a day, and i have to remember to not drink with meals, but between meals instead, but i still need to drink 8 glasses everyday.  I’m thinking i need to buy a vitamin B12 supplement, maybe a sublingual one, since the ileum is what absorbs that.  the ileum also is what breaks down bile salts, so i should avoid nuts, chocolate, leafy greens, and soy products. BUT! gluten free alternatives most of the time contain soy which is another thing that’s confusing me.  im a college student so im not trying to spend money, but it looks like my diet is going to have to be more expensive than normal.

My incision still has all the tapes that my doctor put on over 2 weeks ago, he never told me how long they are supposed to stay on, but to just leave them until they fall off on their own.  The incision itself is looking pretty good i think.  it looks better towards the bottom rather than the top.  the top still has a little area that is convex and is kinda pink.  I dont know if im going to have much of a bellybutton when it all heals, right now it doesn’t go in very much but it discharged some so i know i still have the actual bellybutton.

i started going to my classes last week.  i only have classes on tuesdays and thursdays now, which is gonna be good because ill be able to rest more and have time to catch up on school work.  i cant take the bus yet so i have to ask people to drive me to my classes, which i hate asking for favors but i need help right now.  its been difficult to concentrate and study but im asking my friend to take me with him to campus when he studies sometimes which helped the first time so im hoping that will continue to work.  i have to now read a research paper, write a 10 minute script, write out some questions, study for my linguistics makeup exam on tuesday, and overall study for my neuroscience lecture.