#but idk i might actually like the tan more🙃

[napping-sapphic]

finally got around to making a new bracelet but i didn’t feel like doing the math for it and it immediately came back to bite me because the beads are HORRIBLY off-center🥲

[episbep]

rehab day one

I forgot to bring a notebook so you lovely lot get to read the equivalent of my diary. While I’m in rehab at least😄 woke up at 5am and after a rly fucking long drive I arrived half an hour late🙃 first I was drug tested (clean for everything except weed, apparently ket is out of your system after a week or so¿) and had to answer loads of questions about my health and feelings and life shituation then went to see a doctor who prescribed me sleeping pills thank fuck. The treatment centre is intense, we are mainly alcoholics and/or drug addicts, instantly people just come up to you and ask what your drug of choice is, share their experiences with their addiction and are really friendly but I’m struggling to speak about home. I feel so ashamed and guilty. Of my actions, the things I’ve said and done and the consequences. I’ve been drinking and smoking weed this past week to help me get through but now I’ve got nowhere to hide, no drug crutch to grab at - just me and my thoughts and the consequences of my addiction and the choices I’ve made.

Going from isolating in my room for a week+ to all of a sudden spending all day speaking to new people has been exhausting. but every single person honestly has been lovely, welcoming, positive and supportive - so far rehab is nothing like I had expected. There’s a lot of genuine care and laughter, someone made a joke in a meeting today that made me belly laugh for the first time in far too long. it’s been really sunny and hot so I sat in the detox house garden and read through the papers they gave me, hoping to get a bit of a tan (mission accomplished I think).

I saw my ex a few days last week and was hoping we might be able to try again when I’m back home but he was showing me something on his phone and a message from a girl that idk popped up (we were together 4 yrs, I know I much everyone he knows) which wouldn’t have hurt so bad if he hadn’t told me he wasn’t speaking to anyone, or if I hadn’t just swallowed his cum. I want to walk away because I just keep getting hurt but I - keep - going - back. Maybe I’m addicted to him too😄 I want to focus on bigger more important things but my mind keeps wandering back to him in times of quiet. I’m trying to build a wonderful safe and beautiful life but I’m not sure that I could ever achieve that with a man that doesn’t love or respect me, and I don’t think has any intention beyond fucking.

I have no idea who I am or what I enjoy as an actual person that isn’t using or drinking. I want to meditate but my thoughts are too loud. TV is boring. I can’t chat for another minute today. I don’t want to read the book and tbh I don’t want to do the 12 steps - the Buddhist 8 steps resonates so strongly with me but I can’t get behind “handing over control to god” - I fucked up, and I’ve gotta fix it. Not God - me. They keep asking me if I want to eat but I couldn’t cope with gaining any weight right now. If anything I need to go down. I feel like crying but the tears won’t come. I forgot my shampoo and body wash so can’t even have a shower. I really don’t know what to do. I’m just looking forward to going to sleep.