#but i'm trying out a new writing program and it doesn't have smart quotes and idk how to feel about it

[chaoslynx]

hi! i hope you're doing great and drinking enough water. could you do angst prompt #19 or #15 for asheiji? sorry hehe, but thank you so much!

19. “Why did you wait until I moved on?”

15. “What gives you the right to just waltz back into my life after all the pain you’ve caused.”

hi! I'm SO sorry this took thirteen million years. I really struggled with finding a way to incorporate these two lines into an asheiji fic that still felt in character to me, and also was still drabble-ish length. (This ended up being oneshot-ish length anyway, but honestly I just ... don't want to put it on ao3? I think it fits better with my drabbles here.) I hope this is okay despite everything!

Ash faked his own death.

It was a difficult decision to make, that's for sure. And honestly ... he really did nearly die that day, bleeding out in the Rose Reading Room of the New York Public Library.

He nearly wanted to die.

But he made it. He made it, and he made it out.

And he spent the next six months trying to make sure that no one found out that he did.

He knew that if he told anyone, anyone at all, that they would tell Eiji. There was ... no one he could trust in this, really. Because Eiji finding out? That couldn't happen. Ash couldn't let that happen.

For Eiji's sake.

It's been ... lonely.

But Ash is used to loneliness, in a way. In other ways, he's been about as far from lonely as it gets. But this kind of isolation? These emotional walls, this solitude? He's fine with it. It's how he should be. And that's okay.

Until six months after that faked death, when he really just can't take it anymore.

And he boards a plane to Japan.

— — —

"I never believed that you died," is the first thing that Eiji says.

Which is ... not what Ash was expecting.

"You knew?" Ash asks, incredulous. He covered all his bases, didn't he? Cleaned up all the loose ends? Eiji stares at him, and Ash can't read his emotions. He's not crying, and his voice is calm, but there's an edge to it. A hardness in his eyes. Eiji's always been an open book—and Ash would like to think that he understands Eiji better than most. But here, Ash is ... confused.

"It happened before, no?" Eiji replies. "This is not the first time that you have 'died' and left me. But it is the first time that you stayed away for so long."

"I ..." Ash isn't even sure where to begin.

"So why now?" Eiji asks. He huffs, crossing his legs on the couch. Ash tracked down Max through his newspaper articles, and he gave Ash the address to Eiji's tiny Tokyo apartment.

"What do you mean?" Ash asks. "I couldn't stay away from you. I couldn't bring myself to." He clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably. "You understand that, right?"

Eiji closes his eyes for a moment. When he reopens them, he asks, "Why did you wait until I moved on?"

Ash's heart stops. "M-moved on?" Is there someone else? Not that they were ever technically together or anything, and it's not like Ash ever deserved Eiji anyway. So it's fine, really. But ... moved on?

But Eiji shakes his head. "Not in the way that you think. I moved on in that ... Ash, I finally accepted that—alive or not—you would not return to me."

"But I'm here now," Ash tries, heart sinking. "I'm here now, and I want ..." what? What does he want? Fuck.

"What gives you the right to just waltz back into my life after all the pain you've caused?"

Oh. That look in Eiji's eyes—that edge to his voice.

It's anger.

Anger, and pain.

"I know I've hurt you," Ash whispers. "I know I've done a hundred things wrong, and hurt you a thousand ways, and I'm sorry. That's why I stayed away—to try to stop that from happening again. And if that's what you want—"

"You do not understand," Eiji says shortly. He quickly stands and turns on Ash, walking the short distance to his small kitchen. "You never do."

"I'm trying to!" Ash insists. He hesitates; should he follow? He stands up, but pauses awkwardly without stepping toward Eiji. "What don't I understand?"

"You don't understand what you have done that hurts me." At his kitchen counter now, Eiji spins back around to face Ash, resting his weight on the counter behind him with both of his hands. "You have never understood that you leaving hurts far more than anything that has ever happened when we are together."

Ash's brain short circuits, struggling to keep up with Eiji. These accusations seem ... different than anything Ash could have prepared himself for. "But I—I've done so much wrong—I thought that it was only right for me to stay away from now on. And if—"

"Ash!" Eiji all but yells. His knuckles are white with his grip on the edge of the counter. "I want you to stay!" He shakes his head, and a sob escapes as he does. "Please, Ash. Listen to me. Stay."

"I ..." Ash does step toward him now, eyes wide. "I will, if you think that I should? If you really, truly ..."

"It's all I want," Eiji confirms. "But Ash, you—" He laughs, or maybe sobs again—Ash isn't quite sure how to tell the difference right now. "You can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?" Ash asks. He tries for another hesitant step forward, heart in his throat. "I'll—I'll do anything, Eiji, or stop anything—"

"Stop leaving," Eiji says, looking up at Ash with a thousand emotions in his eyes. "Stop leaving, and start wanting to stay."

"I do want to stay." A whisper. "I'm just afraid to hurt you."

"Then never leave my side, Ash. Because that hurts worst of all." Eiji smiles, but his eyes are still sad. "Do you want to hug me?"

"Yeah," Ash admits. "If it's okay."

Eiji crosses the distance between them, and Ash throws himself into his arms.

"Fuck, Eiji, I'm sorry! It's so hard for me to—understand—"

"Then we'll work on that, Ash. Love," Eiji murmurs. "Because I trust that you do not want to hurt me. I do not want to hurt you, and—"

"You would never!" Ash says quickly. "You've never hurt me, and you never could hurt me, and—"

"Ash," Eiji chides softly. "It is okay. I understand what you mean, but I wish that you did not have so much ... I don't know." He sighs. "I love that you have such faith in me, but I am afraid that you idolize me a bit. And it makes me afraid that if—when—I do make a mistake, it will hurt you far worse than it would have otherwise."

"... Oh," Ash breathes. He hadn't thought about it that way. "I'm sorry."

"Something else to work on," Eiji says gently. He rubs circles into Ash's shoulders. "To work on together."

"Yeah," Ash whispers. "Together. I like that."

"Then let's do it." Eiji pulls back, and brushes a bit of Ash's hair behind his ear. "Okay?"

Nodding, Ash swallows. He looks down. "I love you."

"I love you too. And—"

"This'll be hard," Ash blurts. "Loving me, and—staying with me, and—"

"Ash," Eiji says. His voice is soft. "We've been through a lot, and the future—together or apart—will be hard for both of us. But we will have each other, and we will be okay."

"... Okay."

"Can you trust me on that?"

And fuck, Ash could trust Eiji with anything. With his life, with his soul, with his heart. He does trust Eiji, with everything he is. And he wants Eiji to know that. But instead, he just nods, and says again, "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Kiss me?" Ash asks. His eyes widen a little as he registers what he said, but he doesn't go back on it. "Uh—properly, this time. The way a kiss should be." Because he trusts Eiji to know what a kiss should be like. To show him what a kiss should be like.

"That's what you want?" Eiji asks. He reaches up with a hand and brushes his finger along Ash's lower lip. Ash nearly shivers at the contact.

"Please," he whispers.

So they kiss, and—shit. Fuck.

If Eiji feels a fraction of what Ash feels right now, then maybe they can make this work, after all. Maybe Ash doesn't have to leave.