#but i'm cutting myself off here cause it's long enough tbh

[basuralindo]

*Rises from the depths gasping for air* You'll Have Me Rise chapter 14 is here!!!

I'd like to say this took so long because I was honing it to perfection, but tbh the same kinda shit that caused the last mini hiatus just keeps happening and at this point I don't wanna jinx anything by saying this is the last of it. That said, this chapter is long as hell, and I did genuinely put a lot of work into it. This is finally a huge bulk of the plot reveal, and I hope you all enjoy!

Babble under the cut.

-Fffff where do I even begin with this? First off thank you for reading the whole thing. I can't begin to explain how this whole concept entered my head, and tbh I'm not sure how much it will end up being addressed within this story. But, if I keep at it, this means there's gonna be a sequel with undercover spy work and guerilla warfare and the works, so, fingers crossed there.

-Anyway, the opening lyrics are meant to be kind of an emotional reversal from the first chapter, because I'm seeing this as kind of a turning point in Jamil's feelings and perception of the octatrio. In chapter 1, Jamil is feeling like he's worth more than he's being given, that he's better than the people controlling him deserve. He's resenting and resisting the people around him and fighting for a sense of independence, of control over his own life. Now in these last two chapters, he's surrendering to a feeling of helplessness, he's been beaten down by recent events and falling back on the belief that he can only gain anything by being used. He's realizing that he's actually started valuing certain people, and perceiving himself as not worth enough for it to be reciprocated. Basically, Jamil is starting to give in to the prospect of being controlled by the only people he actually likes, because he's lost sight of any better alternative.

-That said, obviously his sense of pride isn't letting him give up the fight quite that easily. Jamil may get convinced to look down on himself at times, but that doesn't mean he thinks the rest of them are any better.

-I don't care about the canon dorm images. I have an idea in my head and I'm sticking with it.

-Fun fact, as a barista: If you tell us "surprise me" (unless we really like you), you're getting whatever's easiest at the moment/using up leftover ingredients laced with spite. Unless you seem chill enough to experiment on and the manager isn't there, then you're getting whatever weird flavor combo the staff has been curious about but not willing to try themselves. At least give a general range of flavor preference, or ask what we think is good. All that said, this is more proof Azul really likes Jamil.

-Mansplaining as a narrative device for exposition? In my fic? It's more likely than you think… (for real though, you can't have a story about villains without at least one monologue)

-So, moray eels shed and regrow teeth, which means I'm deciding that the tweels do too, which supplies some of the parts they're selling. So yeah I'm picturing Azul acting like the world's most awful tooth fairy and coming to collect whenever his boyfriends lose one

-Very minor but I imagine Azul is absurdly pleased with himself for coming up with a terrestrial plant metaphor to explain things to his terrestrial crush

-A while ago (when I thought the chapter would be written soon) I did a short poll asking folks on tumblr to vote on who got fridged for Azul's backstory, and his stepdad was eliminated …sorry Orfeo… (I'm gonna go into how I picked the name after a chapter where we learn more about him)

-TBH I feel like half of this lore was made up on the spot. I'm not sure if I'm sorry or proud of myself, but at least it's written down. It didn't hit me until I was done writing it out that environmental exploitation and human trafficking have always been such major topics growing up that they've really become go-to narrative conflicts in my writing

-I can't resist the concept of sirens having an inherent magical allure. I imagine it helps Azul with convincing clients and victims to agree to his inadvisable deals, and acts up more subconsciously when he actually wants to attract someone (like Jamil during class and in this chapter)

-I actually really enjoyed trying to depict Azul's feelings and motives from the POV of Jamil completely misinterpreting just about every cue

-A moment of silence for Jamil and what he thinks is normal. The idea that Azul might be upset for him has never crossed his mind (Azul: What's that? People try to poison you? Often??? I'm going to need a drink. / Azul: Oh so you… don't… get choices… in your line of work? You just referred to yourself as someone's resource? More wine it is. / Jamil: …is he mad at me?)

-On that same note, another moment of silence for when first crush anxiety meets massive paranoia. And the inevitable drastic misunderstandings when one party is accustomed to always being used and the other is notorious for always using people. Our boys are Going Through It

-Jamil can't tell the difference between a broken heart and indigestion tbh, and Azul's pretty sure he's poured his heart out on the floor enough times that he can't figure out what could possibly be left to misinterpret

-Aaaand have another round of Disney References Slipped Into Serious Scenes For A Laugh. It's like an easter egg hunt of me sabotaging the mood of my own story! (I'm still waiting on someone to catch the shitty aladdin sequel ref thrown into one of my otherwise favorite scenes from several chapters back). All that said, I'm actually kinda pleased with this one, since the theme songs can merge like that

[naturecheck]

Oh hey

I don't know how many of y'all are still active on here (gods know I haven't touched this in years at this point) but if any of y'all are and give a shit, I figured I'd give y'all an update on life and how it's been since I last posted back in....goddamn, 2 years? Hell my bio still says I'm 24, and I turned 29 this year. Well let's get this update list going.

1: I got in to a relationship that lasted 4 years (and really shouldn't have tbh, it was really taxing on my mental health.)

2: 2 years into said relationship, when things were rough and we weren't having sex (again, lasted way too long) she suggested trying polyamory. So I started dating her friend too (with full knowledge and approval from both parties), as we had a lot in common, I found her attractive, and she was also polyamorous.

3: Things didn't get any better, she never looked into dating others, and, after 6 months of biweekly couples counseling, we decided to break it off.

4: Since I needed to move anyway (as we were living together at that point), I decided to get an apartment with my other partner where she lived 2 hours away in a city that I'd been wanting to move to for a while.

5: I'm not gonna lie y'all the sex is amazing when your partner openly communicates with you and also takes care of their mental and physical health like an adult.

6: Said partner introduced me to the local BDSM scene here in the city, and I've had a lot of fun learning the ropes (literally). I've also made some great friends in the community that have opened my eyes even more to life styles.

7: TMI but, being on the receiving end of butt stuff is fucking amazing, and if you've got that back door pleasure button I highly recommend it, just sayin' 👀

8: I decided to start growing my hair out and then decided to buzz the sides while keeping the ponytail (I really like how it looks now.)

9: I've really upped my skincare routine thanks to my partner (partially because she loves to pick at any bumps that pop up lmao)

10: My new partner's really helped my self image and mental health, to the point where I'm gonna attach the pic I took when I asked some friends if my outfit was "slutty enough" when I was prepping for a party with the BDSM group. I genuinely like how I look in it, plus it gives y'all a look at just how much I've changed since I last posted a selfie lmao.

Not all of these are updates as much as they're just me talking about things I've learned about myself, but it is what it is. I probably won't stick around, but I'll pop in every now and then to relive old memes from my likes. And hey, if we're mutuals, feel free to reach out to me sometime! You may have to remind me who you are cause the ADHD brain doesn't remember things great lmao. OH I also got diagnosed and am now medicated for my ADHD (it's the end of the day and it's wearing off, cut me some slack lol).

[nathank77]

4/21/24

9:12 p.m added to/edited

All I can say is after several attempts, right now all I can see is your wedding photos. Dancing. And covid wedding shot. Minus a host of breathe ct things. I feel like if I type certain things in I can see the lady bug and wow posts.

Idk what to believe. I can't find your family photo or your ex husband. Maybe you can control some posts individually. I've tried to mess with my tagged posts/my posts and idk if fb gives you that kind of control. Maybe it does but I can't seem to figure it out. Although my fb is out of control. So maybe if I take control I could figure it out. Cause I can't find the family reunion photo or you and your ex husband..

I mean what can I confirm, you changed your pose the day you blocked me on Instagram. You changed your profile picture and bio after I talked about finding your information about your divorce and your ex husband being out of state.

You're beautiful in your profile picture but you look fucking sad and it was right after I posted shape shift.

Idk what to believe. All I know is it's not entirely impossible you care about me cause why wouldn't you block me? It isn't impossible that you read my tumblr..

I also ask myself why you won't reach out to me when you know you're always going to be safe with me? Why wont you just be my friend?

Do you see me as a psychotic stalker? Are you scared of me?

Are you in love with me and want to run into my arms when we finally can meet, when you've broken things off with your husband? I doubt that one but this is where my brain is going.

I want to be apart of your family. I want to be in your life but I can't force myself into your life. I can only hope you're reading and hope that one day you'll talk to me.

I'm leaning more on you're protecting yourself from me, incase you think I'll report you which tbh you don't know me at all if you think I'd ever try to hurt you.

Although that profile picture change with the bio change right after shape shift and me talking about your ex husband abandoning your girls, I mean it's not implausible you're here and you have feelings for me.

I don't know but it drives me crazy. 2026 is too long from now I'm going to be dead by then if I don't stop hallucinating/if i dont have a gf even if she's the mail order bride that is seemingly more and more plausible at this point. I'm not enough if I don't give someone something like a green card or have tattoos all over my body, throw out my glasses and look bad ass. I have nothing going for me as a transguy. There is something wrong with the world not me. But I can't fix it.

You are either here and you see that i am deteriorating from this hallucination ruining everything I love or you're not here and you don't even care or have any idea what I'm going through or maybe you have some idea bc you read some of it and cut yourself off but you do care.

Either way if it stays everyone I'm going to say happy birthday and happy mothers day to you. I won't say anything more than that. Cause I don't want to scare you or anything.

The only other thing I know is when I went to the Brass Mill Mall you changed it from everyone to friends the day before and then you changed it from friends to everyone the day before I went to west farms. So I mean I got that as some form of confirmation you're here and the things I listed above.

I could say you posted the family reunion photo for like a week to tell me one day you'll be my family but idk, I'm scared to believe.

You're not a therapist to me. You're just a person, someone I'm not sure if I'll ever have the pleasure to know personally and it kills me.

What am I the most scared of?

That when you think of me, you're scared of me or you think I've lost my mind, or you think i am a stalker, or you think of me as a danger to you.

I'm scared you don't see the boy across the Webcam anymore. I'm scared you see a crazy person. I'm scared you think I'll report you, I'm scared you think that I'm a danger to you and your family.

I'm scared that when you look into my eyes you don't see the person you used to but instead you see a dead reflection of who i used to be and you think I'm too far gone and you'll never reach out to me.

I only hope you consider that fb used my key words and puts posts that matched what I typed under your name while hiding everything else. I had to deep dive to realize it but you've prob kept everything public minus maybe your family reunion and your ex husband, and fb just made it look like things under your name changed. I knew things were off when I couldnt find a bunch of posts from other random Elise's but I didn't think it was as off as it was and its been hard to cope with it.

I don't feel crazy. I feel like I was stupid not to deep dive it and I only hope you understand why I thought you'd show up here or there and I only hope you'll forgive me and eventually be in my life.

I only hope for your happiness and you still see the boy across the Webcam when you look into my eyes and I only hope you don't see me as dead inside when you look into my eyes.

[thegempage]

bleugh. thinking a lot so i'm gonna throw it under a cut

i fucking hate. okay. it is well documented at this point that i hate crying. i think it's a horrific sensory experience and i spend the entire time feeling like shit only to come out on the other side exhausted and covered in stickiness. i know it's Supposed to make you feel better, bcus you're releasing the emotions, but at this point i bottle up emotions that require crying so much that i think i've just like. lost that. so i'm just tired and feel gross afterwards and i don't want to be a person even when i really really need to be. plus like, the entire time i'm paranoid, bcus i hate when people see me cry and i'm always afraid i've been crying for too long, so i get jumpy and try to shove it down as much as i can

not to mention that my brain loves circulating intrusive thoughts during that entire experience, so while i'm already upset about whatever made me cry in the first place and whatever i've been bottling up, i'm also on some level often fixating on shit like suicidal thoughts, guilt that i feel bad, all of the worst and most unrealistic ways people could react to me crying, etc. i was literally crying earlier bcus i was stressed about work or money or whatever and feeling bad about feeling bad and i couldn't help but also think "wow it'd be pretty fucked up if your housemates found your corpse in here. think it'd take a few hours before anyone noticed? they'd have to find a way to tell your parents and then they'd have to take time off of work to come get you." and it's. like i'm Not suicidal but fuck.

and it's like. i don't know why i'm like this. i don't know when crying became so miserable. there are only a few fleeting times i remember me crying actually causing problems as a kid and those don't feel like they should be bad enough to make a reaction this strong. like, sure, i struggle having hard conversations bcus my natural reaction is to cry and that caused issues for me growing up. i got cornered in the bathroom like once bcus i ran off while i was upset and it was an important conversation. so why do i feel the need to fucking hide while i'm crying? why do i have to tense up and hold my breath every time i feel like someone might be coming too close? i know i'm struggling with feeling touch starved rn and that being held while i cry is good for me bcus it helps me feel less like the world is fucking ending. i know that if my housemates saw me cry they would not be upset with me and would, in fact, probably help me out. i know this shit.

and yet! and yet!! you know who could feel that they were on the verge of a breakdown today, so they stood in a dark bathroom trying not to cry too loud in case someone could hear them through the floor? you know who sacrificed an entire evening of getting to hang out with people they love and watch some cool tv? me. fucking nightmare.

(and tbh i think i'm on a downswing rn, bcus my ability to feel good about myself and the things i create is trash. i've been trying really hard not to delete things bcus i Know i'll be sad about losing them later but it's so fucking hard, y'all)

[castle-dominion]

5x20 the fast & the furriest ngl I thought this would be about furries. I feel like castle would secretly be a furry. Or maybe not but he would end the episode by buying a fursuit

Fast car. Drops a body!? WHAT IS GOING ON

rc: They were right here where this hole in the fridge is. Mmmm Mulligatawny soup MR: Well, maybe you’ve been sleep eating … again. RC: Again? I’ve never sleep ated - sleep ate - eaten. (MARTHA gives him a look) Have I?

Alexis is good enough of an actor, but I remember this episode & last...

WHAT IF IT IS KATE oh nvm SUPER RAT?

Where is ryan?

Perlmutter my beloved They've seen dead bodies before they've even seen someone cut in half... How long was she in trauma bay?

Onondaga, of course she was in new york then. Haudenesaune, right?

Yay finally a native american character who is native to NORTH america instead of latin america. Except ofc depending on the FNMI person you talk to, bigfoot was just a myth they made up to scare the white people. Still tho, as an fnmi person I'm happy to see this on television.

Native & no siblings?!?!?!? No cuzzins? (also ryan not good outfit today) Old folks confess to crimes all the time bro Curious george fan? Me too bro. KR, while they are walking away: George would never do that!

Castle don't tap on the glass u idiot *takes off the baby's head* MOONSHINE growls at CASTLE again and makes a ‘slitting your throat’ gesture. CASTLE gulps.

ruggedly handsome XD

the hospital thing really WAS sus. Why drop off your murder vic? Why not STAY if you're trying to save them?

take out a side mirror? srs? KB: A convicted killer with an attack dog? All right. Pick him up. eight years is a long time

He's right tbh

He was telling the truth! no no noooo no no castle nope no way shup & besides they are not in the right place come on bro no shush

SP: Professionally I can’t speculate what those are, Mr. Castle, but personally I can say that anyone who believes in Bigfoot is an ass.

Bigfoot lives in chicago bro

she's right: These are the footprints I’m interested in. They’re near where the body was. CSU said that they were made within the last 24 hours.

Ryan XD I feel like castle is half just being funny not actually believing but castle believes enough & pretends to believe the rest of the way that he gets ryan to make a fool of imself too often

clipping "rain on your parade" lol

KB: No, not a coincidence. Just a hoax. KR: If it’s such a hoax then tell me why I found this. (he pulls out a paper) I dug through her phone records. Turns out, the last phone call she ever made was to Darrell Meeks. RC: The Darrell Meeks? KB+JE: Who’s Darrell Meeks? RC+KR, sarcastically: “Who’s Darrell Meeks?” KR: Just a world-reknowned cryptozoologist. RC: That’s a scientist who searches for as yet undiscovered creatures. KB: (lightly) Such as unicorns and centaurs? JE: Banshees and leprechauns? ((both fae)) RC just gives KB a look. He holds KR back from smacking JE.

SP: Ugh. The B team. JE: Talk about the B team. KR: Yeah. SP: I’d hoped to see Castle’s look of dismay when I told him cause of death was nothing more exotic than blunt force trauma to the cranium. (off their blank look) It seems she was clobbered over the head with a club or a pipe. I love perlmutter. "HAMMERED into her skull!" it's your job to find out why she swallowed it, it was his job to find it in the first place.

Gigantopithacus

*takes away the yeti finger*

Every partnership needs to have a skeptic & a believer. Meeks & his wife, caskett, rysposito, shane madej & ryan bergara, myself & my brother when we inevitably go ghost hunting

KR: Kind of Crocodile Dundee meets Indiana Jones meets Ted Nugent. hook hand? Cool

What is that growling? Remember the tiger episode? These guys need headlamps KR: Dude, I’ve got a bad feeling about this thing, man. I – I don’t think that we should – Why a bow & arrow? At least let it be a compound bow. Or that

Love his accent lol

Sasquatch bigfoot & yeti are what like homo erectus & homo sapiens?

She was faking evidence, see castle!?

Also are there no female bigfoot fellows?

The traditional bigfoot photo Love esposito's hair btw. It's a little bit too long but it is better than the s3 buzz cut

RC: There was no camera at the crime scene. KB: Maybe our killer took it. RC: Which would explain why there’re so few photos of Bigfoot. KB: I meant our human killer. RC: Right. JE: shakes his head.

RC: And a year later her pendant is found in her murdered friend’s stomach?

Nice, they get to go to bed for the day

KB: Is there anything that you don’t believe in? RC: Sure there is. There’s … um … He thinks for a minute. Finally she smiles in victory. there is the ocean. The ocean is horrifying.

She is so pretty in her PJs

ALEXIS!? WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON Hey avatar reference, a new one just came out

Hold on she's a cardinal? Of fricking course she is. Every native worth their tobacco has a cardinal in their family. Including me lol. Ryan looks pretty af but not super pretty in terms of colour Too many people drop out of school from sexual harrassment Ooh music Esposito bisexual outfit

She does a whip? she is not a filmer

See? Sometimes people don't recognize ppl from sketches or w/e but COULD if a feature was changed

tory my beloved she has a name woah that is some crazy smart stuff KB: Well, the good news is we have our crime scene. The bad news is it’s in 2 square miles of remote wilderness with no access by road. (she turns to CASTLE) You up for a hike?

*mimics howling*

I love how castle is wearing camo AND orange RC: It’s not Wookie. I’m not doing Wookie. I can’t do Wookie. Alexis does a really cute Wookie.

RC:

Because at any moment life can surprise you. *They stop for a minute but then the ground gives way.*

He mentions his knee! Thank you! Just like that time I fell down the mountain!

Castle should have markiplier's unus annus branded tactical shovel

RC: Shouldn't you be wearing a short skirt for this? That’s the rule. Lol a granola bar

Ryan XD XD I could clip that if I wanted to wait kurt wilson is out here not outdoors?

Why is it just the two of them going on a hike?

CASTLE is trying to dig hand and foot holds into the side of a pit with a spork. RC: Ah, spork. They all laughed at you. He tries to use one of his foothold to climb, but his foot just slips out. He looks at the spork in disgust and throws it down onto the ground.

Oh no banging with a stick Oh no bigfoot

At least it doesn't land on castle

SHOOT IT SHOOT IT don't shoot.

Didn't you say you took a pic? you said you did lay eyes on this beast.

It was castle THE CLUB THAT'S THE CRIME SCENE

My man has been living in the woods for all this time...

Castle believes him & it is important to have someone on your team

That's big ngl

Beckett's coat is v nice

They got together after this happened?

This is why you turn off your phone

RC: Well I’m not so sure there isn’t. I’m thinking maybe he’s out there somewhere. And if he is, I’m hoping to see him one day. Preferably from a safe distance.

hsdfjksjhksdfjskdhfjshf bigfoot is real lmao

What speech? Oh that speech AC: I think he could make a real difference in the world. And okay, maybe it was stupid to give him all of my allowance, but I’m not the first person to do something stupid for something they believe in.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Would I seem like less of a liar if I deleted the previous post? 💀💀💀

I'm doing a whooole lot better so ima explain myself

Notice in advance though it's not very related to my pills. It's just been a whole lot.. and seeing how I talk about all my personal shit here already it didn't feel too out of place. I've actually been relatively pill free for the last like month or so. Anyway I'll stop this intro here lol. Shits long enough as is

Well what pissed me off to make me want to go ghost was a combo of getting scammed plus R being on some bullshit..

The first bit I kinda walked into. That was that whole situation where I slowly gave out like $50 to this trans woman. I didn't even notice until a few days later but she blocked me soon after I said I couldn't help for a while. I don't know what brain cells evaporated from my brain but if I had noticed the signs earlier maybe I would be $50 richer rn..

The second bit uh. Let's just cut a long story short atp. R has been being a dick to me for a while now so I finally wasn't able to repress my annoyance and I said something slightly snippy. She got sad annd I got mad. Time skip, ghosted her and pretty much everyone else, fully expecting to never speak to her again. Nother time skip, we're back talking.

If I seem kinda over it, it's cause I am lmfao

I think seeing how she changed and reacted during that period where she was upset really changed things for me. Not to sound like that, but I have a lot of.. for lack of better wording "issues" around people switching up. And it's really important to me! Ive been weary of that shit since i was in elementary school. I used to get bullied and ostracized a lot as a kid. And after a combo of parential/friendship drama, I decided I never wanted to feel like I'm ever in a situation where I have to be useful to be loved. I don't want to be in position where anyone can dangle their affection over my head at a whim. Which is all I've felt towards everything since. Even when I was really there begging her to work things out, I did it anyway because I felt like I knew she'd do the same if it ever came down to it. But seeing just how much I've been trying to juggle in silence.. how much I've asked of her over and over again with little change.. it just didn't feel mutual anymore.

Well.. wrong wording. That's something I've had to accept for a while now. I meant our friendship in general atp. I've been the odd man out for so long now. I guess it's our history that does it tbh. You know how with newer friends you'll do a lot more with em? But with older friends youre much more comfortable saying no cause you know they arent going anywhere? It really shouldn't be this extreme tbh but like it ISS. Like I've asked to play 100x different things now, I've tried to watch series together, alllll types of shit. And she never agrees. We never talk or hangout for the fun of it anymore. Actually, I don't think we've actually any real hanging out doing something together purely because we wanted to hang in over 7 months. Everything else has just been us talking about one thing or another or something happening and it just being the after part. Don't get me wrong, I love being able to have an actual conversation way more than being able to play games with her. Though, when hanging out is something you plain out won't go out your way at all to do but you can hurriedly go back to do allll the time with your casual friends and acquaintances? Changed my mind so quick once i realized. I'm just holding onto memories now. Just like my ex and just like my ex best friend. The whole situation reminding me of those two made my emotions towards the thing feel a lot more cut and dry tbh

I started feeling this way when she played me at a moment that honestly.. was the most vulnerable I've ever been. It's a rule I've had since I was a child and have never broken before. Yet here I am, breaking it for no real reason. If anything, me doing that made her be even worse to me

I've been on and off talking with her now. She refriended me on one of our main platforms a little while back. I've only recently took her off mute. I think a day ago now. We talked talked today and it felt exactly like it did way back then. It was almost comical. She said so many cruel things to me and made me feel like an idiot for.. well shoot for nothing atp. Did all that to not even a full 3 months later move onto the next best thing. The complete 360 is what finally sealed it for me. I've been thinking on what my begging meant for days and weeks now slowly edging to this conclusion

Im done.

I got so much anger and nastiness spewed at me time and time again with not even an acknowledgement that it happened

Im just supposed to magically know this perfect fucking timing of how long i need to stay away without staying away for tooooo long to not scare you. And when I get it wrong? Oh don't worry! She'll make sure I know it :))

Its really my fault for letting it get this bad.. I knew it wasnt right for her to be a dick to everyone off of a breakup but i mean.. if the ex was that important to you, it makes sense. If it were still like that, I'd still be taking it now tbh. Why stress her out when she clearly has 1000 other things on her mind? But the cycle repeated right before my eyes it brings up so many questions..

Why cant i get the same courtesy you show to anyone else?

Where was that healing when just a month ago i was a pest for checking in?

God. It's not even like I'm asking for much! I continued doing what I do even when i wasn't getting that same care back. Ive gotten so messed up i can barely comprehend wth is going around me. Ive been on and off sleep for days at a time. I've watched my whole future crumble before my eyes. Ive wven thought about and attempted to kill myself. Alllll that.. yet ive never once used it as an excuse to treat you poorly. I have the common fucking courtesy to own up to ts and not act like any of that makes it okay to disrespect you

It honestly doesn't matter either way. All I know is I'm so tired of getting treated worse than any of her friends and I'm tired of all the fucking gymnastics that she still expects me to do with no complaint. That shits over. I'm not letting yet another person drop off and pick up wherever they feel like with not even a thought about how I'll feel

I feel really numb towards her now. I still have some of it leftover tbh so I wont say I'm OVER her. I still got hype talking to her again and it being not complicated for once. And i do still check her socials a lot. But I will say, I think I've fallen out of love at the very least

I still don't want her to suffer or anything because she is one of the kindest and most charming people you'll ever meet when she wants to be. She would bend over backwards to help out or make someone feel good. She just has to be in the right mood for it. I've seen her give shit away on this game she loves just to help a new player out. I've listened to her check on everyone in her house even when she felt like straight garbage purely cause she knew they all were expecting her to. Just incase one of em was waiting on that to vent or something. She really does have a good heart

Buuut when she doesn't want to/doesn't have to do all that? She's still cordial most of the time. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to paint her out to be some nasty person behind closed doors. She really isn't. Even when she's upset, she mostly is still kind, just a little short. But every once in a while, it'll be a big enough issue where she doesn't even feel like pretending to be in a good mood.. and that's her problem. She's so damn cruel once she's that upset. I get it ofc. Which is why I just put up with it for so long

When I was going through the slow realization that my days at my uni were numbered, I was a hugely bitter person. Huuuugely. But even with the mere joy of the other freshman was pissing me off, I never took that out on anyone but me. I was never rude or snarky to anyone there. Even when they were to me lmfao. It just made no sense to take it out on them

R doesn't consider that enough. She goes off tbe handle as soon as it's inconvenient for her not to. Though she's all smiles for people anyone that doesn't know her fr, she'll come back to all the people that love her and put then through the ringer

I cant take that shit anymore.

So now a little over a year after I started feeling something towards her in the first place and coming on a year after I realized what exactly I felt for her, I think I'm now throwing in the towel on all that. Just can't do it. I won't turn my life upside down for someone that can't even bother to keep my feelings in mind some days.

I dont hate her or anything at all. I'm still her friend. But until she learns how to better express herself, I don't want her any closer than a friend. Being close to her is painful dude. I'll never treat her any worse for that. I just have to keep my guard up now. I can't let her get that close to me again. Not with how she is now

I wrote that weeks ago if im being honest

And alots happened since then..

I feel like a hypocrite now. I blocked her without a peep. Even continued playing and talking with other friends and posted not thinking nothing of it. It's been a nice what.. I think coming up on 2 weeks now. I've missed her a lot. I still think of her everyday but at the same point it turned into a matter of principle. I won't even lie, if things went my way, she would either be coming to me through alllll the other methods she used to use when she actually cared to have my attention or she would be getting left in the past. But through my scattered thinking and talk with another good friend made me realize how selfish it was. Complained about her treating me worse than she would a complete random, and yet here I am damn near rubbing it in her face that I'm specifically not talking to her and her only. I feel awful for it now.

I tried to reach back out but she understandably is ignoring me too now. I think she blocked me on a few diff platforms, including my phone number.. I feel awful for doing that to her now. She's an ass at times but she's still been a really good friend to me and I hate that I lashed out without thinking of her feelings, even if it was justified ig. I'm just gonna give her space for now. Shit it took me damn near two weeks of radio silence and thinking for me to stop being angry with her

A few days later lol

We are.. in the clear? Not really honestly. We're still very distant feeling and I genuinely can't imagine ever trusting her the way I have in the past.. but it went over smoother than I thought. I know she's still upset with me, whether she wants to admit it or not. All those months of us spilling each and every thought to each other made it very easy to read her. I can't tell what exactly she's feeling, but she's hiding something.

It really kills me. I can see it plain and clear and I'd love to talk it over, but it's not really my place anymore is it? That's been the most difficult part of all this. I don't really understand how to keep a distance without coming off cold. I care about her and all but at the same point, it'd be extremely stupid to try to get her to open up while also tryna stay closed off myself. Recipe for disaster. Maybe someday she'll bring it up, but for now, I just have to pretend I don't see it

I'm very grateful to her still. She taught me a lot and she is a really good friend. I know if I ever seriously needed her she wouldn't flake on me and she's helped me so many times throughout our friendship. It's really the only reason I went back to us. It felt like a dick move to just ghost and act like her being mean sometimes completely overshadows all the good she brings. Plus I did promise I wouldn't. My feelings being hurt isn't a reason to break that promise imo. I'll stay in her life for as long as she allows it

Though that being said, she's not my best friend anymore. I don't even consider her a close friend atp. I aint gon play her or anything. Im still willing to talk about why I left and what I've been hiding for now. But once the dust settles.. she'll be treated like allllll my other friends. They don't get dogged out or anything but ya know ofc it's very different. I just don't trust her anymore

The thought of us talking through everything and finally hanging out just to hang out makes me paranoid. Will she drop me like she did when she got serious about her ex? Is she gonna be that mean everytime she has a breakup? Is she gone take my happiness the wrong way atp? Should I already preemptively be limiting my talking time with her?

Too many damn questions..

Which is why i think that's that saga done for now. I doubt she'll want to talk about it so I'm just gonna let it simmer out itself ig. I love her sm. I hate that I can't just slap the rose tinted glasses back on. She deserves someone like that. She's truly a gem once you get past all her walls. If I were stronger, I would still be chasing after her now. But after months of unsatisfying resolutions and unspoken tension, ive finally reach a point where I just can't take the hurt from it all 🤷‍♀️

Ah damn it's been tearing me up though. I've never experienced any of this bs before. I hope someday we can both get back to a place where I can consider letting her back in. I miss that time a lot. Dang ik I aint crying rn 🗿

[lululawrence]

Can you recomend any kidfic’s? Particularly where one of them already has a child! Thank you!

hello my dear nonnie! you know what’s funny about kid fic like this? i don’t usually seek them out, but i’m not against them either, and i’m so glad because i’ve read some really amazing ones. since you didn’t specify pairing, i hope you don’t mind but i’m including other pairings here too (mostly because some of my very favorite kid fics ever were actually tomlinshaw hehe).

so here we go! these are some fics i’ve loved where one of the protagonists has a kid :D hopefully there’s some on here you’ve not read before and you find some new fics to love! 

as always, please show your thanks to the authors with kudos and nice comments!

come on over, we've got something to share by @jaerie - A/B/O fic featuring omega harry and alpha louis. they’re neighbors and both have kids, and it’s so hot but it’s also got such a lovely deeper layer to it as well. i love this fic very much a lot!

Down From the North by @chelsea-frew - this is SUCH a lovely christmas fic! harry and louis have been dating for long enough that louis is ready to introduce harry to his daughter, but when they’re introduced it turns out his daughter has already met harry. it’s just SOOOO cute the way it all unrolls. hehe

try to not remember (rather than forget) by @hereforlou - ANGST TRAIN! established relationship fic where harry has been in a coma for YEARS. ACTUAL. YEARS. so when he wakes up there’s a lot of catching up to do.............. including meeting their child. TEARS MY FRIENDS. this fic was incredible. so anyway. get ready for pain, but you’ll like it ;)

He Was a Different League (When I Was Nothing Much) by @afangirlfantasy - i just really love crying over kid fics, okay? lollllll this one is one of those where they knew each other when they were younger, lost touch, and then reconnect when they’re older, right? but add in marcel and single father louis and oh gosh. so many tears. like when i reread my comment i kinda laughed, because apparently i ran out of tissues and made my poor husband get me a new box so i could keep reading and crying lollllll so anyway. a great fic, highly recommend, once again get ready for pain. lol

Eye of the Zebra by @sadaveniren - lmaoooo listen, this fic was written for @wordplayfics and the prompt was zebra, and then sada went and found a hilarious tumblr post to base the fic off of and i about died. this fic is actually from the pov of the child, and it’s GREAT. 100% recommend. lol

Liminal by @thousandbelow - okay listen. if you have never read anything by kodi, you’re missing out. she has such a way of creating a very specific feel and atmosphere to her fics. truly, it’s a gift, and this fic throws you entirely into louis’ world. it’s incredible and the story is amazing and hard to read in some ways and it’s just. wonderful.

Face Your Fears by @sadaveniren - SINGLE FATHER AND SECRET OMEGA HARRY!!! during his very first heat he was mated by an alpha who wasn’t there when he came to and he had twins. THE WORLD BUILDING! THE LIFE HE BUILT FOR HIMSELF! THE WAY HE MEETS LOUIS AND THINGS COME TOGETHER!!!!!! gahhhhhhhh and listen, these kids are SO REAL. i love it.

happiness hits like a train on a track by leighbot - tomlinshaw fic! tbh i went to scan the fic to be sure i was thinking of the right fic and then accidentally spent 20 minutes reading and had to cut myself off so i could finish this lmaooooo SO ANYWAY single father louis moves in next door to liam and harry, who do as many happy couples do and try setting louis up on dates so he can find his happily ever after like they have lmaooooo it clearyl doesn’t work, but then one night his daughter gets sick and duh duh duhhh! doctor nick to the rescue! the humor, the banter, the rhythm of this fic is all incredible and obvs sucks you in lol i love it 

Come and Get Your Love by @rsadelle​ - another tomlinshaw! this is a five times fic and both nick and louis are fathers and it’s so wonderful. the fic revolves around them taking their kids to each other’s houses for play dates and such, but there’s also little interludes and there’s history you want to learn and you slowly put things together and i just... oh gosh i loved the feel of this fic so much. every single character in this made me wanna be part of their friend group lol

i've a feeling it's time to try (love it if we made it) by serenityandtea - I LOOOOOVE THIS FIC SO VERY MUCH SO SO SO MUCH SO VERY INCREDIBLY MUUUUUCH. i just... deep breaths. yeah. okay. tomlinshaw! yoga instructor and single parent louis! nick basically stumbles into a class of louis’ and of course has to go back. lol it’s famous/non-famous, there’s so much DEPTH to SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS. i just. fuck. i love it in a lot of different ways and it is truly one of my very favorite kid fics EVER.

Things There Might Be Pictures Of series by @andyouknowitis - established relationship, featuring george shelley as harry and louis’ kid! listen, lj has the most amazing writing, they build these incredible worlds for us and the detail, the intricacies involved in this series! it’s just mindblowing. gorgeous. wonderful. there’s such truth in the snippets we are able to have here, and i love them.

This is Halloween, everybody make a scene by @allwaswell16​ - i STILL giggle when i think of this fic and i read it almost three years ago now, okay? this one sticks with you. it is short and sweet and just a total nightmare for a parent, but also such fun lololol you just really have to read it if you haven’t cause it’s a gem

Home for Christmas by @haloeverlasting​ - HALLMARK CHRISTMAS AU KID FIC! truly it’s amazing. harry didn’t think he wanted kids but then he wakes up! and he’s got a husband and kids! hahaha oh gosh this fic has such feeling and i legit have built it up so much in my mind that i truly thought it had so many more hits than it does?? how?? does it not have more love? anyway. i love this fic very much, it is so soft and lovely and i adore.

Packed Lunches, Sticky Fingers and Accidental Levitation by @londonfoginacup - this fic made me cry... but not because it’s sad? lollll okay so it’s witch harry who has an entire house full of kids and all the chaos that brings. he does it all himself and is not doing a great job at staying on top of everything. he really needs help, and fae zayn finally makes a decision for him and sends louis. and listen. louis does so much for harry that i as a parent who have felt very much the same way that harry did, i cried. lollll but anyway, it is such a lovely and soft and beautiful fic AND THE SEQUEL!!!! IS SO GOOD!!!! so anyway. an absolute fav of mine, right here, and that’s saying something cause emmu is one of my fav writers.

Took Me by Surprise by @becomeawendybird - listen. famous/famous, secret relationship kid fic? you hear what i’m saying?? louis was making a name for himself in the world of MLS when he got injured so he’s now a big name commentator and he has this sassy daughter who is in love with singer harry styles, so naturally things happen, right? gosh I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH. i’m just sitting here remembering everything i love about it, and i can’t name it all, so please read it.

[volucerrubidus]

11! 7! And 6! Again. >:3c

Munday Asks II Accepting

This doesn't answer any of your questions but I want you to know that when I read this ask, I went, aloud: Sketches, you motherfucker (fond)

(Ilusm <3)

11. Explain the origins of your muse. Why did you choose them?

Oh god. I've been in love with this character for so long I honestly don't remember what got me into him; I think it was a bit of a slow burn tbh? When I grew up, I watched the old TT show, as, I imagine, a lot of us did, so that already had a special little place in my heart. Then, I know at some point, I watched the first season of the YJ show, and I enjoyed that enough that it made me wanna learn more about YJ? And then I stumbled across the comic ('98), which is wildly different lol, but I jived a lot more with it? From there, I just really fell in love with Tim's narration style, and the whole detective thing, since I've been a little mystery lover since I was old enough to watch Scooby-Doo and be able to keep up. And then the more I learned and read of Tim, the more I felt a connection to the character, and honestly, here we are! He was my first real DC fave; he was one of my first rp characters; he was one of my first cosplays-- I've met lifelong friends through him/DC, and writing him with all of y'all has honestly just been such a joy!

As for why I was drawn to him... I really liked, like I said above, his narration style, and the fact that he was a detective type, and then as I saw more and more of him emerge, I also really liked that he represented hope in a lot of ways, despite seeing a great deal of darkness. I liked that he believed in something so strongly, that he'd dedicate his entire life to the cause. I liked that he could be goofy and fun at times, and I liked that he wasn't a perfect character a lot of the time. He was just very interesting to me, and I liked that he was allowed the space to be complex.

(Also, I liked that he was unhinged enough to fake an entire uncle to get out of being adopted. That's hilarious).

Anyway, this is getting long, so I'll cut myself off, now, but; thank you so much for asking! I love this guy and could talk about him forever lsjdfksl

7. If mun and muse could spend a day together, what would you do and why?

ESCAPE. ROOM. I don't know if I even need to explain how awesome this would be, even if I might end up being kinda slow compared to him lol; luckily, those are very collaborative, so I'd hopefully be able to contribute at least a little!

Also, bonus points if we can do a murder mystery dinner party afterward.

...And 6. Mun has to say something nice about themselves

I run an rp blog and I have a degree in writing, so maybe this one is too obvious but. I think I'm an okay writer at times!

[yoichichi]

Bunny’s 200 follower event

request: Hiii!!! Congratulations on 200. I'm so so proud of youuu 🥰🥰🥰. I hope that you're getting enough rest and breaks and staying healthy and hydrated. I would like my matchups to be from AOT if that's okay with you :) My pronouns are she/her and I prefer men, my love language is quality time/ words of affirmations, and I show love through acts of service, affirmations and a little bit of physical touch. My personality type is INTP-A/INFP-A my T and F are split 50/50. My star sign is Aries. I like reading a lot, writing, baking, cooking and anything creative really. Or even sometimes I just like sitting in silence, thinking to myself, getting lost in my head. I absolutely hate going outside. It makes me feel very anxious and I need someone to go out with me, I hate going alone. And when I do go out I always hold onto someone's sleeve or the back of their top, especially in crowded places. I'm a very open minded relaxed person, very witty and I enjoy making people laugh and having a laugh with people. Not open with my emotions, I like to keep them to myself and dont like sharing them, but I will always be willing to listen to your problems. For me, I'd want a partner that isnt really really immature or really really serious. Someone that can switch between the two. I dont like loud people at all. It really gets on my nerves, I prefer someone who's quite but can be loud if necessary as well. Personally, I switch really easily and quickly between being silly and being not so silly, so someone that can read my moods (not that I have that many) and someone that can read the vibe of the room. Also because I dont like going outside in crowds that much, id want someone to go on cute little domestic dates at home with or outside with. Please dont laugh at me, I'm really short, I'm just about 5ft 2, and quite chubby. I used to have long, dark brown, straight, hair up to my bum but I impulsively cut it up to my boobs. So it's still long but not that long. I'd consider myself a switch as I do like to be in control quite a lot of the time, but I also dont mind being the bottom as well. I'm more comfortable with giving that receiving tbh. Ummm I cant think of anything else so yeah. Thank you so so much!!! This is really really long, I'm sorry about that. But please make sure you're taking regular breaks and not over working yourself. Make sure you're drinking water!!!! Thank youuu xxx

a/n: omg pls no why would I laugh at you asjfkskaks! You sound lovely ☺️ ❣️ I hope you enjoy this matchup and omg capricorn twins 💪🏼 also jesus thank you @plutowrites for help with this one! I was having some trouble deciding who I’d match you up with! Also this deleted half way through and I wanted to scream, but it’s ok now 😀 also thank you for your kind words🥺🤲🏼

Warnings: NSFW themes, minors please DNI

Reading your request, you have been matched with...

(づ￣ ³￣)づ Erwin Smith

I think he’d be perfect for you!

He’d be the perfect calm between serious and goofy 💓

He’d be good at keeping up with a silly conversation and making jokes here and there but also know when it’s time to be serious with you

Ok he would LOVE if you were to hold his shirt while walking through a crowd or just being in public in general

He’s the type of guys who likes to take care of his significant other and would be happy you let him do that

King of making pasta and a four course fancy meal at home

You would say date night but at home and he would go a little over the top like,,, mf made a menu, printed AND laminated it omg what a nerd

He’d learn to reel it in though 🖤

Ugh probably takes you on a drive to a private spot for a picnic omg

And the sandwiches are cut into tiny little squares omg

He’s so cute pls 😭

Ok I also think his love language would be quality time!!

He’d love for you to even sit in his office while he does work, you don’t even have to be talking he just loves your company tbh

He’d love for you to follow him everywhere cause he loves your presence! It does not matter how small the task is pls

Getting gas? Hop in!

Dropping off something at work? You’re already buckled up

Going to the post office? Your seat warmer is already on

Sorry not sorry he calls you puppy he finds it so cute! !

It started off teasing you cause you guys were always following each other around like lost puppies so one day he just

“C’mon puppy! Let’s go!”

And he just thought it was so cute and fitting and now it stuck

And because of your height he loves to pat your head and ruffle your hair, especially if he’s calling you puppy he does NOT care LMAO

I do see him as a top but I think he definitely wouldn’t mind you taking control he’d find it so sexy cmon now, but he would make it a tiny bit of a fight for dominance even if he lowkey likes letting you win hehe

Ok also he’s a big blusher he’d be a pretty bottom idc

Your acts of service would make him feel so loved deadass

Like you doing little things to help with the burden of his workload??

Yeah he’s keeping you forever

Your vibe reminds me of...

Another suitable match for you would be...

(づ￣ ³￣)づ Jean Kirschtein

It was kind of hard to think of a perfect second match but I think Jean would be good for you!!!

He really matures through the show and I think he’d be really good at being in tune with your emotions!

He’d be able to tell the slightest change in your mood and is checking in with you in a matter of milliseconds

Would also love how you hold onto him in public

Like he’d just be so 🥺🤲🏼 my little baby

Yeah and then you’re topping him later like who’s the little baby now

But he PURPOSELY wear shirts loose enough for you to grab onto

If you had to go somewhere without him and were super anxious about it he would have you wear one of his hoodies and have his ringer on the whole time you were gone in case you needed him (this mf phone always blowin up so the ringers usually off LMAO)

Bake Jean any kind of treat and he is your slave for a week

I’m not kidding this man will just melt

Especially if it was intended for him and not just a treat you made??? Yeah

He’s gonna cry a lil

He’s a STUPID big softie

He wishes he could wrap you up and put you in his pocket he just wants to take you wherever he goes

Ok he wouldn’t want to admit but he loves when you top him 🤭 like he’d be such a brat about it but if you’re not a bottom “at all” Jean why does it keep happening 🤨?

Anyways

He’s only really ~loud around eren so I feel like he’s chill when it’s the two of you 🖤 but if he’s ever being a little too much for you comfort and draining your social battery he’ll notice and try to chill out a bit

And will make up for it with a ~very cuddly nap sesh

Your vibe reminds me of...

I was trying so hard to give you a perfect match I hope you liked it and I’d love to hear back from you!! I hope you enjoy!

Requests are open until February 26th 8:00 pm PST

-🐇out

[ladycatofwinterfell]

I interpreted that Catelyn scene as if Jon didn't exist, her family would not have faced tragedy. Yes, she was blaming herself for not loving Jon but she was also indirectly blaming Jon for even existing. I also hated the part where she said her love with Ned was better than a passionate love affair in the words. As if being married off with a bridal price, passed from father to husband like an object is better than genuinely falling in love. I never liked Catelyn and it's not because she has strong opinions or because she started the war or whatever bs people hate her for I just think she's kinda...in her own head?? She lacks perspective tbh like she can't put herself in other people's shoes. Like when she tells Renly and Stannis: just get over it your brothers, I cringed because they obviously do not care about their relationship and only care about being king. They were raised differently than you Cat! I get that she's a victim of the patriarchy and she is coping so I really try to give her the benefit of the doubt but idk maybe I'm not mature enough for that. When characters like Brienne and Sansa exist, it makes Catelyn look bad (that scene in the books when Cat asks Edmure why are all the peasants here is yikes!). That being said, the fact that she has flaws makes her compelling. Also don't get me wrong, I do not think she is an awful person and I DO NOT blame her for ignoring Jon, that's all on Ned. Sometimes I think I dislike her because I kinda see myself in her. I have tried so hard to like her because her haters suck but I just can't.

It’s completely fine, anon, you don’t have to like Cat. As long as you don’t act like an ass about it you can dislike any character you want, I don’t judge you. Sometimes one simply doesn’t vibe with certain characters for different reasons. I don’t necessarily agree with you but I like that you explain your reasons instead of just going “catelyn sucks because she’s mean” as I have seen a lot people do. Also, I genuinely really like this ask as it made me think a lot, so thank you, anon.

The rest will be under the cut because I got carried away with my answer and it got a lot longer than I had initially planned

And now, before I start explaining my view on this, I want to say that I’m no expert at analyzing media or anything else. I’m a fan of the asoiaf books, and I have watched got, that’s it. These are just my views on Cat and the parts that were mentioned in this ask. If anyone disagrees or would like to come with a different perspective, feel free to do so, seeing different views on a topic is good for everyone.

I’m going to assume you mean the motherless child scene, and from that I didn’t get the feeling that she blamed Jon as she not once mentioned him negatively in that scene. He was just a poor innocent child. She repeatedly said that she herself was a terrible person though, which conveys the message that she blamed no one but herself for how the situation turned out and found herself responsible for it. In other scenes we see her acting cold towards Jon, but in this particular scene she doesn’t seem to be angry at him at all, she’s only angry with herself. This in turn makes it seem like she actually is to blame and that she should have loved him, which is wrong. She had no responsibility to take care of her husband’s illegitimate love child. Though in show canon I thought of it as her trying to find a reason for why everything that did happen happened, because she had a hard time making sense of it. She looked back at things she had done that could have been considered wrongdoings and wondered if maybe she could have prevented the deaths of her husband and (as far as she knew) children.

You also mentioned the stone by stone scene. I rewatched it now, and I can sort of see what you mean as she can be interpreted as a bit judgmental in that scene. However, her intention wasn’t to tell Robb about how her love was a supreme love, it was to try to get him to understand that an arranged marriage could turn out good. He had to marry a Frey because that was arranged for him and bad things could happen to him and his cause if he didn’t, so she tried to make him believe in that a marriage to a Frey girl he didn’t know could be a good marriage. This by explaining that her arranged marriage was good. Fine, she didn’t immediately fall in love with her husband, but she slowly came to love him over the years and that could be the cause in Robb’s marriage as well.

What we also need to remember in regards to that scene is that that’s the way marriage works in Westeros. If you’re highborn you don’t marry for love, you have a marriage arranged for you for the sake of forming an alliance between two families. That’s not better than genuinely falling in love, but that’s the way it works. In this case it’s even more important since Frey is so prickly and might pull the rug from under Robb’s feet if he feels insulted. And Cat wants her son to see that, wants him to understand that it is dangerous to break a that important alliance. She tries to get him on a safer path than the one he’s going down. But she also wants him to know that he can be happy in an arranged marriage. She tells him about her and Ned to explain that it is possible for him to learn to love his bride, so that he might reconsider his choice.

Now to a quick one. I agree, Cat didn’t start the war. She took Tyrion hostage because based on the info she had he had tried to murder her son. Tywin “war criminal” Lannister started the war by sending men to pillage and destroy the Riverlands

On the next one I’m actually inclined to agree. Catelyn is a bit in her own head. On top of that she’s very stubborn, which makes it more apparent. She tends not to see things from other perspectives than her own, that is definitely one of her flaws. It doesn’t make her a bad person, but it is a flaw, and I can see why some people would have a hard time with that particular flaw. Though she’s not always in her own head, several times we are shown that she has a nose for politics and is actually quite good at understanding other people and their wants. She has perspective on several situations, and can change her mind if things changes or doesn’t turn out as planned.

When it comes to the conflict between Renly and Stannis I really get her frustration. Yes, she had trouble understanding their conflict and found it ridiculous as she was raised and lived by the words “Family, Duty, Honor” and the mindset that family always comes first no matter what. But at that point I think most people would share her thoughts, as she was in a situation where she had started to become desperate. She wanted them to stop fighting each other and understand that they needed to fight together against the Lannisters, who were everyone’s common enemy. This with good reason, they killed her husband and as far as she knew still had both her daughters. Of course she wanted them to stop their feud and unite for the cause of defeating the Lannisters.

I’m going to agree on the next one as well. Cat lives in a patriarchal, classist society and buys into that because that’s all she knows, no one can deny that she has a classist and patriarchal mindset. That’s what she was raised by, that was what she was taught. Cat is in many senses the perfect lady by Westerosi standards. But despite believing in the patriarchal society she’s also at times thoroughly frustrated by it, as we see when she starts losing her influence as an advisor after Ned dies. It’s an interesting internal conflict, and as you said, she’s coping. You mentioned Brienne and Sansa as examples of characters that make Cat look bad in this sense. I don’t agree with that, I think these three characters cope with the patriarchal society in different ways although Brienne has a much more sympathetic way to do so in the eyes of modern readers. Cat definitely isn’t innocent of having spread those views, as she tries to make sure her children live by them, but she’s also not the devil here.

But yes, although she doesn’t call them peasants, that scene doesn’t look great. I won’t deny that either, because it’s true. All the highborn characters, yes even your fave no matter who that is, are classist. And that’s not me trying to defend Cat, that’s just the truth.

As for your ending, yes, her flaws makes her a very compelling character. It’s what makes her interesting, perfect characters are painstakingly boring. She’s not an awful person, and she’s not to blame for the situation with Jon. That one’s definitely on Ned.

You’re also right in that her haters very often suck.

Thanks for your ask, this was very interesting and I hope to see you in my inbox again in the future!

[bereaving]

You definitely don't need to apologize for that 😆 I do that too...

For me it's different cause I love the horror genre. Like not this random, boring clichee sort of horror but this really subtle and deep horror like in Hill House. I'm a huge fan of it. For me it wasn't really important what's it about, I just wanted to continue this anthology.  

A lot of people say that honestly 🤔 it's different when you watch Bly first and then Hill House. But they both have a lot of similarities and I love that. 

She is! And it's for sure that most of the time where people were going through a traumatic childhood, they turned out to be assholes. Like we have an example right next to Jamie on the same show - Peter. He went through that as a kid and he turned out to be abusive and toxic, mostly. So it's great to see that there's a different way to go with that or to deal with everything Jamie had to deal with as a kid and how she turned out to be as an adult.  

So yeah that's really nice to see that people aren't the way you first think they are by how they act, you just need to get to know them and we did after her fantastic speech. I can't tell you how often I watched that because its one of my favorite scenes in the whole season. She definitely is one of the most important characters on the show. It's also a beautiful reference to how a flower needs it time to bloom and so do people, like you said. 

I mean she's definitely holding herself back a bit, and she tries to wrap her flirting and overall conversations with Dani up with humor. I think that's a great way of showing someone you really care about them without being too forward. So yeah I agree with you on that she would make a move if she'd be completely sure that's it okay for Dani too. But she would definitely do it in a Jamie - like - way 😂 like acting all cool and being funny yk 

Dani is bold af 😆 like she has shown us that so many times and it is refreshing to see. Cause if I'm being honest I didn't think of her that way when I first saw her. I thought she's cute and all but when I first got to know her backstory a bit I immediately changed my mind. Also the scene she had with Henry at the bar was bold af, I'd  have never done that for sure 😅

And then everything that happens around her at Bly and with Jamie, no doubt at all. 

Haha I had to laugh when Jamie said "who the hell knew" 😂 that was awesome and also gave Dani a feeling of relief. That was the first time she expressed her feelings, her real feelings, to someone she likes so much and no one blamed her for that.

I guess you can see it both ways. I hated how they decided to end it, like they just gave us all and then in the end they took it all away 😪 just seeing how Dani sacrificed herself and then no one even remembered her and she just has no choice but going to Bly again and die there, it was so hard to watch and to accept. And there's Jamie,  alone, with just the memories of Dani and she keeps waiting for her to return till the end... that's just heartbreaking and I need to hold back myself from crying every time I even think about it. 

It is a masterpiece, no doubt, but I just wish they would let them finally be happy for the rest of their days.

Yeah that's the thing when you watch Bly first I guess 😅 I knew Victoria will be in season 2, too. So I wasn't as surprised about it, but the fact that she played Nell just makes it change a bit. She nails playing those characters with real struggles and she brings them to life in a way I've never seen anybody do it 💯 her microexpressions are so spot on, like I don't even know what to say about it. These two characters are stucked in my head too. Dani a bit more than Nell but that's just because it's so long ago when I watched Hill House. 

I mean definitely! I hope Amelia stays on the horror path that would be great for me 😂 also same here, I won't watch YOU I don't know why but it's probably the show in general seems to be not really my thing 😕 unfortunately I have to say...cause i don't get to see Victoria

I really hope they bring them both back to The Haunting Series, I'd love to see Amelia back there and Victoria too 👌 but I guess we have to wait a long time for that 

We goin’ under the cut again because this one is also long, my friend haha

A horror two-timer such as myself really doesn’t have any other opinion other than the ones I’ve seen: Bly is and feels more gothic, whereas Hill House is more... I guess classically horror. They are both fantastic, and tbh I had no idea this is what horror does. I’d never looked into horror as a way of expanding the story, and Mike and his team had done that beautifully with The Haunting. Hours after I’d published the ask it occurred to me that the answer was so engrossed with Dani and Jamie that I’d completely forgotten to write about Peter lol whoops. He and Jamie are really two opposites of the spectrum. And in episode 7, I get that the whole deal for that is to get a better insight into his background, and what shapes him and what made him the way that he is. I enjoyed it as a casual watcher, and I liked OJC’s portrayal of him, but to be completely honest, I left that episode with very little added empathy for him. I’ve seen people like him enough both in real life and in fictional portrayals. I know what it’s like to be in the presence of people like him, and it is not in any way pleasant. So yeah, Peter, as this post so eloquently put it, can choke.

Jamie on the other hand... 🥰 Have I mentioned I love her? Lemme just say it again, just because.

Re: “I’m so glad you stayed” scene: That whole tracking shot... ugh, it just gives me goosebumps. I have seen it more than once and every time I need the scene for GIFs or anything, I’d always watch from the moment Owen’s car drives away. These two smol wives own my heart and my soul, and I love them a lot a lot.

Re: the ending Completely understand where you’re coming from, and it’s not something that I can casually think about or even try to sit with without some sort of mental preparation -- like taking a deep breath before you go for a deep dive. It still hurts, I still get sad and cry about the way their story had to end. But, that being said, to me it doesn’t feel like a disservice to their journey. It wasn’t done just for the sake of dramatization, or to show any kind of... hidden morality message, or anything like that. There’s no agenda to the story, is maybe a more succinct way of putting it. Just like any other couples we would see on screen, it treats them with respect. I think we all wish, deep down inside, that they would be able to shake off The Lady and live their best lives, but... I don’t know. Personally, I don’t think it would’ve stayed or created this big of an impact if they were to just ride off into the sunset together. 

Another thing to add is how good Bly is at exaggerating and amplifying aspects of real life and making it to be an element of the story. Some people forget you, some people will always wait for you and want to be with you. Some things, you do without thinking and it becomes a habit. Sometimes you lose yourself. Sometimes you’re stuck in circumstances or places you don’t really want to be in, but have to due to obligations and responsibilities. Some places really do have a pull of their own. Sometimes people love wrong, and it consumes you. Sometimes people love right, and it saves you. Maybe that’s just me and my takeaway from it, though. Last time I said Bly has changed the course of my 2020, and by that I mean that it’s taught me to have feelings again, to re-examine things, to care. And I just... love this series. Sadness and all.

MOVING ON 😆 I bow to Victoria. Ari ( @camhowes ) was the one who encouraged me to watch Bly in the first place, and so naturally once I started Hill House I messaged her and said, “I can’t believe Dani and Nell are played by THE SAME ACTRESS???????????” My freak out over her is not over yet, and I am begging anyone to let her be in all the things. I’ll fucking watch it (again... other than You) The way Nell breaks my heart... One of my friends who’s been a long Hill House champ has repeatedly said to me that Theo is the most fascinating sibling, and while I agree to a certain extent... Nell has my heart.

When it comes to Netflix’s You... to be completely blunt, a story that is pitched as “stalker man show, he kills people” is just not gonna appeal to me in general. No offense to anyone but there are just too many men I do not give a squat about. I don’t know if my resolve with this show will change. There’s been a couple sets of Love Quinn that I’ve seen (when she goes to the market in a beanie, or when she’s cooking and baking and drinking wine, or when she apparently went full on revenge baking mode) that are intriguing and is chipping away at my resolve, but... yeah, for the moment, I’m staying away from that series.

And I’m just gonna put a thought out into the universe, that if Miss Amelia Eve is hiring anyone to help her with her dog-walking business, I am available and can start ASAP.

[izzy-b-hands]

SHOT A GUN??!? LEE OMG, now you have to tell the story cause i'm curious (same goes to ruined a surprise)

From this post, for reference for anyone seeing this who hasn’t scrolled my blog today lol

The ruined a surprise one was pretty tame, and actually has happened more than once. As a kid, I would be told not to tell my mum or another family member about a surprise being done for them for their birthday. But I always wanted to make folks happy, and that was such good news to give them, my tiny brain would tell me. So inevitably I would roll up to the Birthday Person like a week before their party and be like “wouldn’t it be cool if you had [surprise thing X] at your party? Wouldn’t that be the best?” And they would go “Is that thing going to be at my party?” and I would immediately start giggling and give away the surprise lmao. My family still doesn’t tell me surprise stuff in advance now, and tbh, that’s fair. Though I will say, I have halted my ruining of surprises lol.

Put the gun story under a cut for safety’s sake. TW for mentions of abuse mentions of rape, mentions of death, hunting (idk if it’s a trigger for anyone else, but it is for me, so I’m adding it here), and racism.

The gun story is...more lol. My ex-stepdad was a proper Midwestern racist, sexist, homophobic, redneck asshole who loved guns and the flag more than anything else (aside from himself, naturally) and as a part of trying to “bond” with me before he ended up proposing to my mum (after barely six months of dating! And she said yes! But that’s another tale) he tried to teach me and get me to use all the weapons he loved so much.

Now, the bow and arrow I legit did and do still love. I never get to use it now, but I have a bow and my arrows with their hunting tips, and refuse to get rid of them in case I ever get a chance to go to a range again and shoot some of those foam cubes (my fave targets to use.) However, he was not content for me to just use that, and he really wanted to take me hunting. 

Few issues with that: 

-At the time, I was a middle schooler campaigning against the wars in the Middle East, using what little platform I had as a kid to protest; namely wearing an actual peace sign necklace to school and challenging other kids to debates about the wars. My government and history teachers did enjoy me for that, though I will never forget the government class where they let me go up against the entire class in debate. In one corner, seventh grade me, against the wars and war in general while still respecting that at least some soldiers are people who want to do good and think they can do it by being recruited but also acknowledging that the military targets minorities of all kinds knowing they can be more vulnerable to wanting to help others, and the military can prey on that to recruit people. In the other corner, the literal rest of my class, who were all too happy to pile on me about things not even related to the debate, even the ones who admitted they were on my side of the debate, but chose to instead use this opportunity to yell at me. 

-As a result of the above point and other things, I Did Not and Do Not like guns. Not comfortable around them for many reasons, and since that age have believed in gun control. 

-Also a result of the above point, was for peace in general and was not a fan of hunting. As I grew, I learned that there are some cases where hunting is actually needed to cull populations so they don’t overrun areas, but seventh grade me didn’t know that, and just wanted all animals to be allowed to live without people like my then-stepdad hunting them. Tbh, they still should be able to live without my ex-stepdad hunting them, because he should not be allowed weapons of any kind. 

So needless to say, I didn’t want to even hold any of his guns, let alone shoot one. I managed to actually avoid that bit until after they got married. 

Then, he turned into someone completely different from who he had been when they were dating. The full story of how he was abusive and what we went through for five years isn’t something I’ll put here because this is already long, but all of that does play into why I did not want to go hunting with him (in a field, in the middle of NoDak, just me and him, no one else around for miles and no cellphones? Not cool, putting it mildly) and why I did not want to handle his guns. 

Unfortunately for me, my mum insisted I wasn’t trying hard enough to help him adjust to having a child, since he had been a single dude, married only once before for about six months, with no kids. He had nieces and a nephew, but otherwise he wasn’t used to kids. Part of my making ‘a better try’ with him was to go hunting, and let him teach me to shoot. 

So, we went out hunting a few times. Pheasant, and deer, and that was alright. I wasn’t thrilled to be out there, and I can still smell how his truck was just saturated in the scent of dead animal and I hated and still hate that scent burned into my memory, but I got through it. 

It was in the backyard of our house with his makeshift (read: not all right for guns or bows, really shitty) range that it came to a head, and I got to fire a gun for the first time. 

I still question why he gave me a pistol. You don’t really use a pistol to hunt deer, you know? And he could never tell us why he had so many extra pistols, since he did have his one for work as an officer at the Penitentiary, and it seems like that one should be enough. By the time we left him, he had two huge gun safes full of pistols and other guns, including weapons that by law no one should be able to purchase, but no one checks in on the two assholes meeting in the Wal-Mart parking lot who have trunks full of weapons they want to sell without getting in legal trouble. 

But I digress. He showed me how to hold it, to make sure I’m always pointing down-range, to only point at something I intend to shoot. To always treat the gun as if it was loaded, even if I was 99% sure it wasn’t. I give him that, because that is decent gun safety, and he could have been really terrible and not taught me that. 

Once he had me set up in front of a target, he told me to go for it, to expect the recoil (I was chubby, always have been, but I hadn’t started seriously lifting weights at that time, so my arms were really reedy and physically even that pistol’s recoil flung me back some.) 

I shot, and I wanted to drop it and run inside. It was loud, and the smell of gun smoke and ammunition is unpleasant. I felt like I’d betrayed something inside myself in that moment. This was what the troops learned how to do, what people who hurt others knew how to do. 

But my mum had been really mad at me for not being better to him (in retrospect and after therapy, I was fine, just being a kid in early puberty. My therapist says my mother should have stood up for me. I’m not in a place to assign blame like that yet, and maybe I won’t ever be.) So, I stayed put, and I shot a few more times. 

He noticed I had tears in my eyes, and started to complain about “the peaceful pussy shit getting in the way of me being taught something important” and he told me I needed to stop crying right away. I’ve never been able to do that, and I cry all the damn time; if I’m really angry or sad or happy, my body responds with tears that give me migraines that are hard to turn off once started. 

He got more angry, and told me I needed to learn how to do this because if I didn’t, what would I do if someone broke in? Would I let them hurt my mother? Rape her? Kill her? If he wasn’t there (and he often wasn’t, due to his job and his hunting trips) it would be up to me to save her, didn’t I care about knowing how to save her? 

I argued that I didn’t think a gun was the answer to that situation, that self defense and what weapons are used during it was too much for me to discuss with him. 

He started talking about the black family that had moved in down the street, about the friend I had at school who was Muslim, about how diverse (read: not that diverse, this is the mid-fuckin-west that has a long way to go re: diversity) our state was becoming.  About all the things he was ‘so sure’ they and their families would do to us, to me, if given the chance. All incorrect and horribly racist things, but he didn’t care, because he was always right, in his mind. And I wasn’t allowed to call him out and say he was wrong, or at least that was what my mother would tell me. 

“You like peace, so learn to help me keep it.” 

Instead I told him that it wasn’t right to say those things, that no one was going to try and hurt us like that, and that the notion was ridiculous. Shouting, I told him I was more scared of him and what he might do with his guns than what anyone else would do to me. 

He went very quiet, took the pistol from me (that I was still pointing at the ground, like he showed me) and told me to go to my room. 

He stayed out the rest of the night shooting his various guns, only coming in to switch weapons or get more ammo, refusing to come in for dinner until I had finished mine and was away from the table. He didn’t speak to me for the next week, and as scared as I was of him, it was some small relief that he at least wasn’t yelling at me or asking me things that made me uncomfortable. 

In a weird way, I’m glad I’ve shot one before. When I’m debating with people in my area about gun control and other issues, they instantly respect you more if you can say you’ve shot before. Otherwise, they talk over you and don’t want to listen to anything, no matter how nice or calm you say it. 

At the same time, I recoil any time I hear anything like gunshots, and I can’t ever imagine using a gun again. Even if I was told I must, I don’t think I could. I’ll hold my bow and arrow, keep the bat I keep in my room at all times to ease my paranoia, but I can’t ever imagine holding a gun again. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Grace

Janis: what's the name of that boy we were partnered with first day Janis: the one when we won? Grace: Craig Grace: why? Janis: that's it Janis: what's his deal, how do you know him? Grace: I literally don't Janis: you don't fuck with him? Grace: idk he's like really shy or whatever Grace: that was the first time I'd ever talked to him & vice versa so Janis: okay, well Mia banged him last night Janis: we saw her going in his room Grace: EW Grace: poor Craig Janis: yeah Janis: where is he Janis: she eat him afterwards, like 🕷 Grace: 🐍 like Grace: ugh he was cute Grace: RIP 🙏 Janis: anyway, thought I'd say 'cos obviously did it to 💔 you so naturally act the opposite to piss her off Janis: we got 📸s Grace: 🙄 duh I am the opposite, he hit me up & I said no thanks, I have the 🗨 Janis: ha Janis: send me that Grace: [does] Janis: 👍 Janis: always handy to have Grace: yeah Janis: not ready yet but can preview it when I'm done Grace: not sure I wanna 👀🍿 her snatching that sweet boy's virginity but thanks Janis: she weren't that careless Janis: thankfully Janis: you'll 👀 Grace: 👌👌 Janis: How's Els? Grace: UM why? What did you do? Janis: Nothing Janis: she fell on her arse, did she not Grace: Oh that Grace: it was no worse than when Asia dropped your bf Grace: how's your ankle? Janis: If I didn't know how thick she was, assume Mia put her up to it Janis: it's annoying Janis: need it to be better for when we get back Grace: literally so many 🐕🐩 to walk, what would you even do? Janis: exactly, can make loads in holidays, those 7 hours free really add up Grace: I'd offer to help but so can I 👶🍼 Janis: I'll survive Janis: take one of Billie's old chairs if necessary, get them to pull me along Grace: 😂😂 Grace: ask Mia what shifts barista boy is down for, maybe he can help Janis: in theory worth it Janis: but she'd probably be weirdly smug about her knowing instead of me Grace: true, just ask him Grace: 🤞💜 Janis: ain't sharing my pay Grace: he'd totally do it for free cos he's SO 😍😍😍 Janis: yeah yeah Janis: that'd fade well fast when faced with 6am and dog shit Grace: Hello?! He gets up earlier than that to serve ☕ and clean bathrooms Janis: we've all got very glamorous lives Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: HIGHKEY should tell Craig to get tested but like I don't want him to think I'm 💔 Grace: ugh Janis: slip a 📝 under his door Janis: - a concerned citizen Grace: so retro Grace: love it Grace: idk if I even have any paper?? Janis: we have to do some exit survey bullshit don't we Grace: do we? Grace: EW Janis: mhmm, already planning my constructive criticism, obvs Grace: @ Mr Lucas what are you even doing here?! SO GROSS Janis: pretty sure he's following me Janis: fair, did cut the two spare ties he brought (??) in half Grace: OMG! you've literally saved someone's life tbh Grace: he's that creepy Janis: reckons we've got full term detention when we get back Janis: so sorry I foiled your plan, definitely wanna spend more alone time with you, sounds good Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: so sorry you're short & gross & single & mad about it, hun Janis: if mum actually makes me go, it'll be my 🩸 on his 🧤 and her 🤲 Grace: she won't even Grace: not for that long Janis: 🤞 Janis: if all he cares about are the holes in all his 🩲 and not finding out what else I did, then she won't be as pissed off as she could be Grace: what else did you do?? Grace: also EW for that visual, babes Janis: 🤫 Janis: you didn't have to touch 'em Grace: you've literally made it even easier for him to touch himself, excuse you Janis: 😂😂 Janis: 📸 that for the online burn book Grace: can he get enough hate to retire please?! so over what a freak he is Janis: ain't we all Grace: maybe he won't be able to take us for any more activities thanks to the wardrobe malfunctions you caused 🤞🤞 Grace: 🙏 Janis: could be his day CANCELLED 👌🍆💦🥴 Grace: STOP Grace: I don't wanna see 🍆💦 applied to him EVER Janis: it'll stop him being so 🤬🤬 on the bus Grace: the breakfasts here are literally gross enough the 1st time around, can you not make it come back up!! Janis: yeah, pretty rough Janis: that'll be why the gals have been skipping, yeah 😏 Grace: 🙄 Grace: Don't even, she wants me to Grace: I don't have the energy to fight with her about it even after eating, sorry not sorry, babes Janis: no wonder she's taken to spreading STIs Janis: wanna take out as many people as she can, that one Grace: idk what goes through her head, 1st barista boy, now Craig Grace: thank god if I was actually 😍 she'd clearly have no idea Janis: he's not the worst looking Grace: barista boy? DUH Grace: we all see your 😍😍😍 hun Janis: I meant Craig and you know it Grace: like I said, he was cute Janis: shame he's now 50% likely to have the clap Grace: I'll write him that note, it's been forever since I did a good deed Grace: 🙏😇 Janis: nan be 💃 Grace: maybe now she'll love me 🤞🖤 Janis: she loves no one but dad and the LORD Janis: allegedly on that last one Grace: as far as she's concerned they were basically the same person so Janis: where was his dad, tbh Janis: maybe he was 1/3 Janis: 2/3 now Janis: 👶🏾👻 Grace: 🤷 Janis: she'll ask the lady at church who can talk to spirits, that's what she was on about to mum last I heard Janis: gonna stay in touch now he's dead, clearly Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: I won't be taking Craig to 🙏 his STI away then Janis: cute date idea Grace: IKR?! Grace: so tragic that we'll both have to miss out Janis: 💔 be a trip to the clinic with Mia instead Grace: more like a solo trip Grace: she's already forgotten that boy Janis: poor, poor David Janis: what fond memories is he gonna have looking back Grace: 🐍🐁 Grace: but that's a v relatable mood, this trip has been the WORST Janis: has it? Grace: not for you, obvs Janis: just remembering that one where you pissed yourself and then cried the whole time Janis: it's at least one up on that Grace: EXCUSE YOU Grace: literally don't bring up that you've ever known me, thanks so much Janis: there's no selling that storyline, sadly Grace: there so is Janis: the name's a dead giveaway Grace: & it still wouldn't be the wildest rumour ever spread Janis: reality is boring in comparison to what they can cook up Grace: duh Janis: go ahead and have a go then Grace: 🤷🤷 there's enough rumours about you & your bf rn Grace: it'd get swallowed faster than poor Craig 💔 Janis: what's the best one you heard then Grace: they're literally all so cringe Janis: go on Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: no thanks Janis: 🎈🎉💩 Grace: it's bad enough I have to 👀 you IRL I'm not trying to gossip in 🗨 too Grace: try Mia or El Grace: they can't get over your 💖 life Janis: 'course they can't Janis: 💔💔 real devastated Grace: mhmm Janis: Ella should be buzzing Janis: but seeing Mia 😢 makes her 😭 Grace: she's too 💔 her fake injury didn't work & yours is real Janis: she can have it Janis: fucking stupid Janis: if this trip weren't a waste of time before Grace: you should totally forget about doing whatever if you wanna get better for hols Janis: doing what? Janis: it's not like we've done anything that taxing Grace: sure but anyway Janis: I can't spend any more time doing nothing Grace: like you said, we already are Janis: you know what I mean Grace: yeah Janis: maybe we'll go do something else Janis: idk Grace: you've got like the perfect excuse not to be under Mr Lucas' 👀 so Janis: I do, might make him join in though Janis: 'cos he hates us Janis: and then I just get bored Grace: OMG stop giving me gross visuals Janis: ?? Grace: anything involving him is like traumatising Grace: he needs to stay on the side lines, thank you Janis: bit harsh Janis: he's northern, not a monster Grace: 😂 but not even Janis: 😏 Grace: whatever Grace: it'll be over soon Janis: the trip? Janis: well observed Grace: duh not gonna kms over breakfast Janis: thought you meant my 💘 Grace: Mia wishes Grace: everyone else will obvs be 💔 Janis: give 'em a good thing Grace: they have so many #s and there'll be more when you dump him Grace: it'll keep everyone busy no matter how many boys she 🐍 and obvs me the freedom to 😢 and wet myself on this trip too so Grace: love that Grace: thanks, babes Grace: 🙌💜🙌 Janis: sounds like a wild time Janis: you are welcome Grace: sure Janis: enjoy your watersports, like Grace: 👌👌

[nylaaaaa]

Little Secret

Chapter 1. Your Secret Is Safe With Me

Name and Surname: Natalie Fleur Estelle

Sex: Female

Date of Birth: 19th August 1692

Place ( Registration 

of      < District                     Cynthell

Birth  ( Sub-District

_________________________________________

"Here's the birth certificate. It has nothing about her parents on it as you suggested." I gave the man standing beside me, who had grown to be a brother to me, a quick, but satisfied, grunt of approval. 

"Thank you. Keep this between us and I'll keep up my end of the deal." Quintin gave me a questioning side glance. I knew he didn't appreciate me bringing up the past but I needed him to keep this between us.

"I don't see why you won't be honest to her. For all we know she might be like you..." I knew what he was suggesting, but I refused to listen. She won't be like me. She can't be like me. I waved him away, annoyance clear as day across my face. He will be annoyed too. We both have secrets. I just don't know whose is worth more.

_________________________________________

Today....

Today is possibly the worst day I'll have in my life. I'm honestly not sure. 

Today I officially turn 18 which, unluckily for me, means I have to add another thing to my job description.

Isaieth adopted me when I was born because my father died and it caused my mum to become a drunk. I don't exactly blame her for leaving and forgetting her troubles with a drink. But I also can't say I'm fond of it. I love Isaieth with all my heart, he feels like an actual father to me. But I sometimes wish I had an actual mother to help me grow as well.

When I was born my father died. No one told me how, I just know it was traumatic enough to make my mother a drunk. Isaieth adopted me when I was 2 after he had an accident that caused him to be deaf and partially blind. He wasn't fit for work anymore so the second I turned an age where I can go to the toilet by myself he taught me how to tend his farm. He makes a business by selling wheat that he grows and whatever we can get from the few animals we own. When I was 16 I found an abandoned lamb who we later discovered was a merino sheep. Merino sheep are, in my opinion, the best sheep you can get. Their carcasses are smaller than the average sheep so they aren't used for meat but rather for the wool that they grow. The average amount of wool the sheep grows is 11kg which is enough for about 11 sweaters. Aswell as the sheep we have 2 chickens, both of which are female. They were actually, in some ways, a gift from the king. The king and Isaieth are best friends almost from birth. They both grew up in royalty but only the king kept it that way. Isaieth was the son of a knight, and so in turn, Isaieth was also a knight. The king was born a prince and then was assigned a knight who happened to be Isaieth. One of the times when Isaieth was protecting the king he ended up getting seriously injured and the king fired him for his own safety. The king doesn't exactly care for the knight's wellbeing but because they were friends he decided a knight was too dangerous for Isaieth. After the event the king offered him a plot of land on the outskirts of the city that was run down and abandoned but had potential for a farm. Isaieth's dream as a boy was to grow old and have his own farm, so like any friend the king got him his own farm. Because of the friendship and countless times Isaieth saved his life our rent was greatly reduced and we were offered a permanent job to make sure we always had the money to pay rent. The job included selling off our produce from the animals. The eggs given to Isaieth was originally just starter food but Isaieth decided to keep them and let them hatch instead. When they grew to be quite old he kept a few of the last eggs they would hatch and did the same thing. The hens we have now are 1 years old, or will be in a few days. We don't get much from our farm but because of the discount on rent sometimes we have enough money to spare to get nice things. The average price of rent can go up to 100 gold.

(100 gold is like 1k, the money in this story is, bronze= pence or cents or whatever is the lowest in your country, silver= pounds or dollars etc and gold= the hundreds +. In simpler terms, but in GBP ((Great British Pounds)) terms, 1 bronze= 1 pence, 1 silver= 1 pound and 1 gold= 100 pound.)

Ours however got put down to 45 gold. It's still a lot that we just about make each month but we're still thankful that he even gave us this place to begin with. He didn't actually have to.

It's also lucky that our farm works well with rent times. Each month you have to go to the castle and pay your rent. If you dont have enough or you skip it they go to your house and either take a child, that becomes their servent who has to work for the money you didn't pay, or they take some belongings that you don't get back unless you pay extra. Luckily we've never seen it first hand but one of my childhood friends ended up becoming a servent from it. I haven't seen her since. Our wheat takes a month to grow so we've always got that to keep our money up. Unfortunately wheat sells cheap, one wheat grain sells for 30 bronze. Every month we grow, on average, 700 wheat grains but have to keep back 350 to replant so we can get 350 the next month too. So on average every month with wheat alone we make 10 gold and 5 silver. Which by itself is almost a quarter of our rent. Replanting and harvesting wheat is one of the most tedious jobs of farming, but maintaining is by far the easiest. You only have to water the plant at most once in summer but otherwise never. All you really have to do is make sure the plant isn't dying and be on your way. The worst job I have is turning the sheeps pelt into wool. She doesn't like to be milked so doing that is an annoyance but I dread making wool the most out of all the farm jobs I have. Next to maintaining the crop the hens are the easiest too. They lay at least one egg everyday, the only thing I have to do is collect the eggs without breaking them and make sure the hens are well fed and have fresh air. With making wool you have to flatten the pelt completely and then tie the strands together to make a really long piece of wool that I have to cut and ball up. It's the worst job on the entire farm but I can't say I hate doing it. My favourite thing is balling it all up after dying it. I'm just thankful all these things take a month to do or we'd be screwed on rent every month.

(Realistically these don't actually take a month, I researched so much to make the story as legit as possible but for story sake I tweaked the timing. Hens do lay one egg a day at least, if properly cared for and also depending on breed. But wheat takes a LOT longer to grow and you can only shave a sheep once a year. I changed the timing of it all tho or I'd have to be even more creative with money and stuff and tbh I'd rather not. Coming up with these ideas for the farm was hard enough.)

On average you get 2 balls of yarn out of 1kg of wool. Luckily for us our merino sheep produces 11kg of wool giving us 22 balls of yarn. 1 ball of yarn sells for 1 gold, so for 22 balls of yarn we make 22 gold. Personally I think it's extremely expensive but it does make sense considering there aren't many sheep around, which also means clothes, blankets and shoes are harder to get. On average with the hens we get 2 eggs a day. 1 egg sells for 25 silver, meaning the 2 we make in a day gives us 50 silver. There's 28 days in a month meaning with eggs alone we make 14 gold. Altogether in one month we usually make roughly 46 gold. As good of an amount as that is, 45 of it has to go to the king, leaving us with roughly 1 gold left. Because we're human and need to eat, bathe and clothe ourselves just like everyone else, whatever's left gets spent on stuff like that. On average every month we spend about 50 silver on food. I have my own plant pots in my room that we use for our own food. There's only 2 of them but in one plant pot I grow strawberries and in the other I grow raspberries. Truth be told if I sold the strawberries and raspberries we'd probably be richer but honestly, we're both kinda used to this life and although we don't have everything we want, we have everything we need. Besides the fruits take 2 months to grow and because of my reputation people would refuse to buy them for their actual price. They just about accept the other things, if fruits were in the mix I'd probably get death glares and 1 bronze for a batch. It doesn't bother me too much though because with whatever odd bit of wheat we had spare from the 700 odd we plant and sell we use that to make bread or pastry, so every 2 months we make the fruits into a jam or crush them and make a pie. My all time favourite activity is making them into pies or bread and jam with Isaieth. It's the only thing we can properly do together. He helps me replant and harvest the wheat sometimes because there's so much of it but usually he just watches from afar. His eye sight is getting worse the older he gets so he helps less and less. It saddens me because I know he doesn't want to go fully blind, we wouldn't be able to communicate at all and what kind of life are you living if you can't see or hear anything. You might as well be dead at that point or you'd be so throughly confused. 

Getting back on track. Today is a bad day because it's the first day where I have to pay for the rent. I've been a few times with Isaieth as a child but I've never gone alone. It's an adults job and should only be done by an adult. But today, aswell as being my birthday, it's also rent day. Isaieth didn't actually want me to do it but I insisted knowing that he would have severe trouble doing it himself. And what's more is that I have to go alone to sell our produce now aswell. I don't put any blame on him and I especially will never complain. But in my head I can feel bitter about the situation. 

I look forward to the day.....

...

No I don't. 

[darkpoisonouslove]

GriffinxCodatorta (I've seen fanart of them before and got curious on your opinions) FaragondaxSaladin GriffinxValtor (even though I'm sure I know) (:

1. Griffin x Codatorta - ????? I have seen that as an idea, too but just… ????? That’s my brain’s reaction. XD I just don’t know how to react to it. Now a big part of that might be because [SPOILERS] Griffin x Valtor is my OTP. But I ship Griffin well enough with other characters so… I guess it’s not that. I wish we knew more about Codatorta so I could make up my mind. But I guess I’ll just have to work with no info at all… again… always! Anyway…

So from what we’ve seen (which is nothing, but I digress) Codatorta doesn’t seem to have a problem with dark magic which I feel is an important thing to consider. Although there was that sort of argument in the first season in the 4kids dub where he might have leaned towards the idea that Griffin knew the Trix were descendants of the Ancestral Witches and let them into Cloud Tower even despite the fact that that was forbidden. … Aaaaand shit, now I’m getting a story idea instead of analyzing.

Okay, real quick (it won’t be) going on a tangent here. That could be a starting point for a relationship between them. He realizes his mistake of even thinking that when he sees how much the whole thing with the Trix affected her and how guilty she felt and he goes out of his way to apologize to her. He says that his opinion got influenced by all those horrible things the Council is trying to blame on her (I’m going off of strictly what you told me about that because I still haven’t read the comics myself) and he’s sorry. And he wants to get to know her better since they’re colleagues and he doesn’t want to make the mistake of misjudging her again. And one thing leads to another and boom, you have a relationship! (Well, that wasn’t so long)

Back to analyzing. Again, we don’t know much about Codatorta and from what I’ve seen the writers couldn’t make up their mind about him either. On the one hand, you have that time when he defeated Saladin at that board game (and Saladin is supposed to be the “wise” one though I feel like the writers kinda forgot that at times, too, but I’m rambling again). And on the other, you have the fight against Kerborg where he was being obstinate and ridiculous by insisting he could handle Kerborg on his own when that obviously wasn’t the case. So I don’t know what to think about it tbh. I feel like he could be a good partner for her to play chess with and maybe someone she can discuss strategies with (though I feel like Faragonda is better suited for that) but we should probably leave it at that.

This got so out of control that it requires a cut. Join me below for even more thoughts:

2. Faragonda and Saladin - you managed to give me the two ships that I’m completely clueless as to how I feel about! XD Guess we’ll figure that out together! Bettter strap in cause it’s story time!

So I was completely shooketh when I read (on Wiki) that Saladin dated both Griffin and Faragonda. And that doesn’t make any sense because I knew that. And I remembered it (not like with Daphne’s existence which I had completely forgotten about tbh). But just… ?!?!?!?!?! My only reaction to that info is… I can’t unsee it. And I know I had an idea about that a few years back but it went down the drain since I wrote down exactly five sentences about it and everything else just got away from me. Which I’m totally okay with btw because it made no sense at all and my portrayal of Faragonda was… inaccurate to say the least (meaning terrible and completely OOC). Spoilers, he ended up with Griffin in that idea but now I’m just ????????? How? What do you mean? That he dated them both?!?!? WHAT?!?!?! So my brain can’t really comprehend that. Like, at all. So bear that in mind for the rest of this.

Now I feel like the different dubs disagree on what exactly happened (whether he was two-timing them or not) and I’m going with what I feel happened. I can’t really see him two-timing them so I think he first dated one (Griffin) and then the other (Faragonda)… which is still so weird considering the relationship they have in the present but whatever. Now I have some headcanons about what exactly happened there but it comes up in one of my fics and so I’m not going to spoil it.

Anyway, on the topic of the ship itself *sigh* I’m still not any closer to figuring out how I feel about it. I feel like they’re good just being friends and WHY DID THE WRITERS HAVE TO BRING THAT UP?! You know, I don’t really see it. (That whole block of text for me to reach that conclusion. Amazing!)

I feel like Saladin isn’t characterized at all for me to be able to draw conclusions about his relationships with anyone really. I have to make up an entire personality for him in order to get invested in his relationships with other characters. And I feel like that’s exactly the problem when it comes to why I’m so detached from him. Like, Griffin and Faragonda have a history together, they have banter and they play off of each other. And even if we didn’t see a lot of their dynamic, we still saw enough in order to be able to draw conclusions about it. We saw them actually react to one another and express opinions about each other and even do convergence (which, I have to admit, is one of my favorite things on the show as it speaks volumes about their friendship). And Saladin is sort of the third wheel in that friendship. There was some mild involvement on his part in season 1 where he apparently acted as a buffer between the two since they weren’t speaking to each other but even then it was just too little to actually tell you anything about his relationship with either one of them. I, personally, like to imagine that he is protective of both of them and cares equally about them and tried to subtly nudge them towards each other (hence why he’d seated them together at that celebration) so that they would finally make up (whatever happened between them because nobody tells you shit about that). Please excuse my rambling but I just had feelings about this so I hope you’ll indulge me on this one and overlook the fact that I veered completely off-topic.

3. Griffin x Valtor - now we’re talking! YES! That’s my ship! It’s my OTP! I will go down with it!

Just like you said, there’s a lot of story there and also a lot of conflict and those are my two favorite things to work with when it comes to writing relationships. So how deep do you want me to go because I’m prepared to take a dive! XD Let’s just start and I’ll stop when I get tired of typing.

So I have a lot of feelings about this so what should we start with? Let’s go with magic because I feel like that was the beginning for them.

They were obviously brought together by magic since they were partners first in that but while the show stops there, I have no such intentions. Since they were partners, I am guessing they did convergence (and it was suggested by the show the way they were drawn in that flashback in 3x10), but not only that. I think they went deeper than that to the point where their magic was so entangled that they had to relearn to do magic on their own after their separation. And that kind of bond can only be accomplished with great trust between them which already resonates in how devastating the fallout was. I feel like Valtor felt betrayed on all levels because she didn’t only leave him as a partner whose magic she knew as well as her own but as a lover whose soul she knew as well as her own. And that means rejection. She saw his darkest parts and left him because of that. And Valtor is totally not one to deal well with rejection. But I feel like the arrogance and anger only cover up how much she actually hurt him. Add on top of that Griffin fighting against him and possibly doing convergence with Faragonda and he’s ready to murder them both out of pure rage and jealousy. Why should Faragonda accept Griffin’s darkness, the darkness he knows is there since he’s seen her soul when Griffin didn’t accept his?

I feel like this also plays in his other insecurities. He was created by the Ancestral Witches to be a monster. He was never given the chance to be anything else. He was supposed to be the most powerful monster that would bring his mothers victory. And when it looked like someone was finally willing to give him the chance to be something else, to love and to be loved, she took back the hand she offered him, confirming that he was a demon undeserving of love and that only pushed him further into the mindset of gaining power and causing destruction. If it is a monster she can’t handle, then a monster he’ll give her.

And then we have Griffin’s PoV on things which is where it gets even more complicated. The choices in that relationship were only hers. Valtor had made his choices a long time ago. He only wanted power and her (which might seem like two things, but the way things were, it was really one thing with two faces. His power drew Griffin to him and she helped him gain more power so the two were inseparable in his mind). I don’t really know where I’m going with this so, please, bear with me! XD I feel like there was this judgment from Griffin towards herself because she was the one to find fault in their relationship. Valtor had settled for what they had, he wanted her which is more than she could have hoped for knowing him. Yet, she is the one that sees an issue, she is the one that is sinking their ship (I couldn’t resist!). And so there’s that additional guilt that she can’t shake off because she was forced to make the hard call. She feels bad enough for betraying him but she knows that was necessary. The universe wouldn’t have survived otherwise. But there was also the guilt of betraying her own heart and, going even further back, of allowing herself to fall in love with him. And yet, she can’t make herself regret that or stop loving him which just brings about more guilt and it’s a never-ending vicious circle. And Faragonda’s understanding and acceptance really doesn’t help (it does help knowing she has support but it only makes her feel worse for choosing to go against him. She abandoned him. How can she accept unconditional support when she wasn’t ready to give it?)

Then we have those seventeen years that are just loaded with quiet, insidious angst that hides deep down. Just imagine Griffin catching herself yearning to see his face again and then her brain turns on and she remembers that he would probably kill her slowly and painfully if he ever escaped from Omega. Or she gets lost into a what-if scenario and then just wants to die because it will hurt less than what she’s doing to herself. And the worst part is she can’t really tell any of that to Ediltrude and Zarathustra. She’s scared of disappointing them. And she’s scared of not disappointing them enough. And again, Faragonda’s acceptance helps as much as it frustrates her because she shouldn’t be having these thoughts. He hates her. He will destroy her. And the entire universe. Why is she still in love with him? (Sidenote: I feel like crying now.)

And on Valtor’s end… Oh, I’m so mad that Valtor’s side of the story wasn’t discussed on the show at all. Not even in regards to Griffin’s betrayal. I just wanted some acknowledgement of what he went through. He was frozen in a fucking block of ice for seventeen years while completely conscious, not to mention full of rage and hatred and desire for vengeance. Like, that shit is traumatic no matter who you are. And add into that that his element is the Dragon Fire. They should’ve said something about that but all we got was a throwaway line that just brushed it off because he’s a villain and, for god’s sake, how can you even think of sympathizing with him?! He’s EVIL, dammit! EVIL, I TELL YOU! And what also gets me is that no after effects were shown either. Like, he hasn’t moved for seventeen damn years! His muscles should be atrophied and moving should hurt like hell until he gets reaccustomed to the feeling. But nope! We don’t get any of that because he might just become sympathetic and likable.

And one last thing before I end this since it got out of control like two hours ago. I got a review on one of my fics saying that Valtor locking Griffin up in a cell wasn’t a good enough revenge which I’ve had thoughts on and now seems like a good moment to share since this ask derailed a long time ago and the point is lost somewhere in the blocks of text where no one will find it so what the hell, let’s just throw some more text on top, right? XD

Now as my first point, it’s a cartoon. They couldn’t really do much more than that. They can’t have him kill her or torture her and any more personalized revenge would’ve required more insight when it came to their backstory so that was out of the question! (can you feel the angry?!) But when you actually think about it, I do think that it made sense. She ran away and betrayed him because she wanted to protect the universe and that led to him being imprisoned. So imprisoning her is getting back at her directly but it’s also a kind of torture on its own. She is trapped and can’t do anything to help anyone which was exactly the reason why she betrayed him. In addition, he left her the only one in Cloud Tower not wearing his mark which was very deliberate. If he was doing all of that just for the power of the Cloud Tower residents so that he could use them as minions, it made sense to put her under his control, too, since she’s the headmistress and, therefore, the most powerful person there. But he didn’t. He left her in control of her own thoughts and actions, and conscious so that she could feel the horror of his revenge, knowing that she can’t even help those she was supposed to protect and guide. Hell, she can’t even protect herself. And that was the only reason he even took over Cloud Tower. After Griffin was rescued by Winx, he just got up and left, releasing the witches from his control since, if you really look at it well, he didn’t really need them for his plans. Only for his revenge against Griffin. So that was actually a good example of great but too subtle writing that the show pulls off plenty of times. And then you have the disastrous writing from my previous point. I don’t wanna be salty, but why is the writing so inconsistent?!

I’m just gonna leave it off here because my brain will stop working and I think this got long enough already. So yeah, in conclusion, I have a lot of feelings on the matter.

[bedeliadumaurier]

Excuse me did you say you LIKE AIRPLANES? You LIKE FLYING ON AIRPLANES? I love traveling and travel often but I HATE flying and I hate airports. It gives me so much anxiety. I'm about to go on a trip for work and it's about 13 hours of travel consisting of two layovers and I am dreading it so much, especially because I'll be by myself. How do you do it??

i do! it’s okay you are not alone, a lot of people don’t like planes/airports or are even afraid of flying to such a degree that they’ll never fly anywhere, etc., so don’t feel bad. 

I don’t know why I just always kind of liked it? I think it’s exciting! I love being in airports and watching all the planes taking off and seeing all the different places on the destination/arrivals board, that sort of thing. And it’s just so amazing to me that you can get in this big machine and fly across massive oceans that just a hundred years ago would have taken like, weeks to cross by ship. That’s fucking wild. I LOVE watching documentaries about aviation, of all types, I find it all so fascinating.

Also honestly even though I’ve had anxiety in some form for as long as I can remember, I find the whole experience of traveling by plane doesn’t usually bother me in that way? I don’t know why but all the little unexpected things that can go wrong while you’re traveling, delays or getting lost in airports or what have you, just don’t seem to rattle me for whatever reason. I’m very “meh, we’ll get there eventually” about things. I’m just weirdly chill in stressful situations.

And as far as safety is concerned I just know that air travel is statistically incredibly safe and that’s…enough for me? I know that doesn’t help a lot of people because when there are accidents it’s so catastrophic, I don’t know how to deal with that if that’s something that freaks you out tbh! I always just remember that there are millions and millions of people traveling by plane every single day without incident.

Okay so idk if this will help you, but here are a couple things I do personally to make flying much more enjoyable:

(I’m putting this under a cut because….not everyone cares right)

be organized when you pack and do not overpack! You NEVER need everything you think you’re gonna need. The less you pack, the less you have to lug around all day, and the more comfortable you’ll be. Seriously google “packing tips” and you’ll find lots of little tips and tricks, it sounds silly like packing should be common sense/easy but it’s totally not that simple. Good packing is an art form, truly, and future you will thank you for it especially if you have to dig something out of your suitcase in the middle of a busy airport or whatever. 

If you can check a bag, keep your carry-on small so you don’t necessarily have to store it in the overhead bin (that space fills up fast, you want room for your feet if you have to stash it under the seat). And gate-checking sucks. 

you know those various addicting mobile games like tetris, candy crush, bejeweled, etc., that you sometimes find yourself playing for an embarrassing amount of time? Like all of the sudden an hour has passed and you forgot to eat dinner because you were playing some dumbass puzzle game? those games are PERFECT for killing time on flights.

headphones, obviously.

have juice or water on the plane, airplane air is dry af i find i get really dehydrated so that helps me avoid miserable dehydration headaches.

also make sure you have a little thing of chapstick and hand lotion handy ‘cause again, nasty dry airplane air. 

bring a lil snack like a granola bar or something, the food they give you on planes is rarely enough. 

when you’re checking in or connecting, find your gate right away even if you’ve got lots of time. Then go find food or the bathroom etc., if you need to. You’ll feel SO much less stressed if you have a good idea of how near/far away from your gate you are at any given time. 

scarves are good! big soft comfy ones! throw one over your sloppy comfy airport outfit and it looks like You Tried but also it’s like a mini blanket if you get cold. 

chew gum or starburst or something especially for the landing, i’ve had my ears pop and hurt for like a full day afterward and it’s miserable.

on your layovers, seriously just find a quiet spot near-ish to your gate and set up camp and get comfy. I even sit on the floor by the windows sometimes? i try not to spend too much time in the food courts, restaurants etc., because personally i’d rather find a quiet spot and have my quiet time to mentally recharge before being crowded onto a plane with a hundred strangers in close quarters. i find that really helps my mindset/anxiety and then I can deal with things better.

Anyways good luck friend, you’ve totally got this! If things get stressful or overwhelming, try to just pause, slow down, kind of take stock of the situation and look around and don’t be afraid to ask for help! :)