#but i'll probably end up killing myself if i stop completely

[perdidit-vulpes]

i also hate the laws around confidentiality lmao

[musical-chick-13]

Anyway, related to NOTHING, I think what I'm going to have to do is, with every person I meet, if I find myself feeling something that could even possibly hint at romantic feelings, I back off and ask for space and stop talking to that person.

[ashthemadwriter-archived]

What if I...

—You make a tempting, unexpected offer; how are they going to react?

Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs

Pairings: Dazai, Chuuya, Nikolai, Fyodor, Sigma, Jouno X Fem!Reader

Warnings: Suggestive content, mentions of giving blowjobs (whether it'll happen or not is up to you lol), unstablished relationship (you're just friends, but are you..?), rushed writing

Genre: Humor

Format: Drabble

Word Count: 1.6K

↳Osamu Dazai"

Listen y/n..." Dazai cooes at you. "I'm a little bit busy with... uh, work; so I don't think I'll be able to accompany you on this mission"

Shaking your head to the side with frustration, you bend a little on the desk, gazing into his Hazel eyes to show your desperation "Oh c'mon Dazai! You're not seriously gonna make me go to this tiresome mission by myself?! They're all politicians! It's gonna be boring as hell!"

The pile of paperwork on his desk are making you question your eyesight, but you know Dazai better than that. He probably saw it coming so he placed them there on purpose to prove his point.

...Not that it could exactly be called a "point".

"Listen..." Your voice is so low that only Dazai can hear it. "There must be some way for me to change your mind"

His expression doesn't change one bit, still looking through the documents for nothing, pretending to be occupied. "Sorry to burst your bubbles, but I really can't—"

"What if I suck your dick?"

Eyes shooting you a shocked gaze and hands staying still, it seems like he's completely lost interest in the paperwork. He's looking through your soul and the moment his lips start moving, you know you've won the battle.

"For... for real?" "Yes, for real"

The surprised face is all gone and instead, there's a totally new face now; a smug face of a man who's gonna team up with you for the mission and get a little prize in the end.

"So when do we leave?"

↳Chuuya Nakahara

"Listen Chuuya, with great looks comes great responsibility. There's a reason why you're this hot!"

The red-haired man looked away as an attempt to hide his flustered face, his voice still gravely. "Stop it y/n. I'm not gonna be your model for the photoshoot"

"Why not? You're the perfect choice!" "The answer's no! Get over it"

"Hmph! You're no fun" You crossed your arms and pouted as you leaned to the chair. You couldn't make heads or tails of it. Why was he so against being your model? You were just gonna take a few photos of him wearing casual clothes and maybe some light makeup. It was for your photography class and you were supposed to take a pic of somebody under the rays of sunset. With Chuuya's red hair and blue eyes, it would be a breath taking pic. He just looked so pretty under the sun.

As Chuuya took the bottle to sip from it, you found yourself desperate enough to give it one last shot.

"What if I suck your dick as a payment?"

And then the explosion happened. Chuuya's hand snapped, the bottle fell on the floor and drops of wine literally squirted out of his mouth. He was coughing so strongly that you rushed over and started hitting him in the back like he was some kind of ketchup bottle. His face was crimson red, but whether it was from choking or embarrassment, you couldn't really tell.

When he finally came down and caught his breath, he placed his hand on his chest and looked at you with eyes the same size as a baseball, meanwhile you looked at him miserably with the word "sorry" written all over your face.

"So... is that a yes?" "NO!"

Well, at least you nearly killed him.

↳Jouno Saigiku

"Ok I don't know why you're refusing. I'm just giving you the opportunity to make up for your mean attitude by doing something nice! You know, to go to heaven, like me and other nice people, Teccho for example"

Jouno was still expressionless. He merely sipped his cup of coffee and placed his hat on the table. "I appreciate the offer, but after a lifetime we definitely need a break from each other"

"Ugh you jerk! C'mon it's a piece of cake for you! You've arrested plenty of people before! You're smart, you're strong and I came to you for help which shows that I'm really desperate!"

Your relationship with Jouno was... questionable. He teased you, had a tendency to piss you off all the time, but somehow you were friends. The weirdest type of friendship that had ever existed, probably.

"I can see that. See I do wanna help you out, but I just love seeing the new you"

Shaking your head to the side, you leaned back to the couch. A hard case was given to you and you really didn't want to blow it up, but you needed help, and everyone else were busy. Except for your horrible friend here.

"Jouno, Jouno, Please..." You took his left, gloved hand. "I need you! I'll do anything in return! I'll team up with you and insult Teccho for a whole year! I'll write every one of your reports! I'll even suck your d—"

Jouno didn't hear your voice anymore. In fact, the only thing heard in the room was pure silence, and of course your heartbeat.

You were shocked.

He got his hand out of your grasp, placing it next to your head. His other hand found its way to your lips, softly caressing them. Meanwhile you didn't say a word, just stared at his handsome face and swallowed your saliva.

"Hypothetically, if I help you out, how far would you go to make it up to me?"

Forget about your friendship. You weren't that close anyway.

↳Fyodor Dostoevsky

"I'm going to go to my parents' with my boyfriend tonight"

"I thought you didn't have a boyfriend, dear" Fyodor tilted his head to the side to gaze at you.

"I don't! That's where you come in!"

Nikolai exchanged a look between your nervous expression and Fyodor's smile, and pouted. "Hey! Why didn't you ask me instead?"

"Yeah yeah, if I ever wanted to give them a heart attack you'd be the first person I'll go to" You sighed and looked back at Fyodor. "So? Would you please help me out?"

Fyodor was sitting next to you on a chair. He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "Ah... I'm not sure about that. Wouldn't it make our relationship awkward?"

"No! No not at all!" Your voice was rushed and shaky. "You see you're the perfect choice for this"

"Hmph!"

"Shut up Nikolai. I mean, you're tall, you know how to talk to people— in a satisfying way, ah, you know what I mean, you're handsome, you have very pretty hair, you have the most beautiful violet eyes I can stare at until forever..."

His brattish smirk made you shut up and give a few embarrassed coughs. Your flushed cheeks weren't exactly helping you out at the moment.

"Eh... So you're the best in many ways... Now, would you please help me out?"

Fyodor gave Nikolai-who was also smirking- a meaningful look, and his smirk got broader. "I will think about it"

"What's there to think about? You get to have a free dinner and also have a great time! My dad has the same taste in books as you! I'll even suck your dick at the end!"

You suddenly shut up and stared at the two men with eyes the same size as a racket ball. Now there was also two pare of knitted eyebrows along with the smirks. Nikolai's winking and muttering "Yeah baby" didn't help you loosen up at all.

Fyodor leaned closer until the phrase "personal space" lost its meaning, staring at you. His pretty eyes were sparkling, making it harder to steal your gaze from them. His voice was as gentle as the sea breeze, the perfect melody to caress your ears.

"So... I'll get to date the most beautiful girl in the world, spend a whole night with her and then get something afterwards?"

You were so drowned in your thoughts that you couldn't utter a single word. This moment was magical, making you wonder if he were going to seal your lips with his, totally forgetting about Nikolai's presence.

...Until he started talking.

"Do you guys want me to leave the room? Cause there's no way I'm doing that"

↳Nikolai Gogol

"...Which is why clowns are so fragile and have strong emotions!"

You shook your head with disappointment. "Yeah yeah, get it. But that doesn't answer my question"

"What was your question anyway?"

Ugh.

"Would you please babysit my cousins with me?"

"Hahaha! I remember now!" His face brightened with joy. "Well, no"

You leaned closer to him miserably. "Oh c'mon Kolya!"

"Sorry dove, I just don't get along with children. Not a fan"

"But they're triplets Kolya! I can't handle them on my own!" At this point you were literally begging. "Pretty please?"

"Triplets? Ha! Another reason for me to say no"

Well, that was it. You were going to be alone with your naughty cousins for four hours and then hand a burned house and probably only one of the boys back to your aunt because you lost the other two.

"Unless..."

Ah! There's still some hope left.

"You offer me something in return?"

Nikolai's face was dangerously close to yours. His smile was bright, but his intention didn't seem to be. Although that didn't scare you. It only made your body numb with excitement and through your clouded mind, you somehow put two and two together and blurted something out.

"Eh... What if.. What if I suck your di— Woah Nikolai what are you doing?"

A chuckle left his mouth as if something simple had happened, but this wasn't simple. He had just lifted you up and was carrying you bridal style to your bedroom.

"You took the hint all by yourself. How about that, my naughty dove?"

"K— Kolya! Where are you taking me?"

Your red cheeks only made his smile broader. "We're gonna get your clothes changed, go to your aunt's aweful house, babysit your horrible cousins, and then get ready for a night of fun"

↳Sigma

"So... How's the best manager in the world?"

Sigma's stare was still pointed at the documents. "I'm not planning a birthday party for your friend y/n"

"What are you talking about?" You smiled cunningly, lightly caressing his arm from the other side of the desk. "Can't I just compliment my incredible friend? Who happens to be an expert in planning and managing stuff?"

When you two first met, he used to get flustered by your flattering comments, but now Sigma's eyebrows only jumped in surprise. "You... can, but it won't change my mind"

"Pretty please?" Dropping the act, you got up from your seat and stood next to him, putting both of your hands on his shoulders. "I really need your help. I don't have a clue about this and you're the only one I know"

"I'm sorry y/n, but I'm caught up with work. You know that the casino is very busy this time of year, there's nothing I can do"

You sighed and sat on the chair again, desperately thinking about a way to convince him. What would make men do women a favor...

"What if I suck you dick?"

Sigma was still staring at the documents, which made you wonder if he had heard you, but his eyes were not the same. They were widened. He slowly lifted his head and looked at you like he was about to chop off his hand and stick it down his ass, and that made you finally realize it.

"Oh I forgot that you're three years old! I mean you haven't even hit puberty yet. Oops. My bad"

Yeah, Sigma needed new friends.

All rights reserved © 2023 AshTheMadWriter. Please do not copy, repost, translate, or modify my works on any platform.

Tag List:

@pussydrunkfyodor @h8kolya @exhausted-doll @rosasensibles @nekokinax @paperllama @the-foreigner @arsonklee @fayenfim @c4xcocoa @asqmi @blueberry-writer @ryokuryuu @ayladove @sinfullysophiastrange @sugarcherryemo @whossuzy @sigmazcasino @linn-a-a @uottani @ilovechuuyaa @ezraiix @aeshiiteiru @dreamcastgirl99 @bestiewhat

Want to be added to my bsd tag list?

[wito-chan-bla-bla]

You always knew that your husband would fulfill your every wish. He just loved you so, so much! He always listened to you and tried to make you happy. Sometimes you joked that he was obsessed with you, like a fanatic is obsessed with his god, but Satoru just smiled innocently at you and winked, playfully asking what you would do if it turned out to be true.

So when you asked him to participate in the "long role-playing game", he couldn't refuse you.

You had a vacation, but you didn't want to just go somewhere and relax. You wanted to have fun with your husband and maybe remember why you fell in love with him. Pretending to be strangers was too boring, so you remembered all the internet stories you read and suggested that Satoru pretend to be yandere.

"You can 'kidnap' me and keep me in one of your family's estates. You will play the role of someone who is obsessed with me and deeply in love, and I will try to escape and save myself, but in the end I will fall in love with you."

Satoru looked at you for a long time, then smiled and nodded. "That's a great idea, my dear!" You giggled at the way his heavenly eyes shone and said that he could kidnap you at any moment. Also more interesting!

When you woke up on a random day of your vacation not in your own bed, but in a completely unknown place, at first you were afraid. But then you quickly remembered that you suggested it yourself. In addition, Satoru appeared on the threshold of a chic bedroom, who crossed his arms over his chest, smiled sweetly at you and wished you a good morning.

"How did you sleep, my dear? Everything okay? I tried to move you as carefully as possible. Oh, please don't worry. This place... is now your eternal paradise. And you will be with me forever."

You could only giggle inwardly and try to pretend that you were scared. You were waiting for walks (that is, attempts to escape) in the fresh air, delicious food, lack of people and only your beautiful husband!

As you ran away from him through the forest, you could feel your heart beating harder and louder. Satoru played yandere so perfectly! As usual, he was perfect in everything.

He looked at you as if you were a goddess, the most precious thing in his life that he would kill anyone for. He treated you like a porcelain statue, as if he was afraid of breaking you. He was angry and crazy when you tried to escape, always catching you and whispering in your ear that you would never, ever leave him. He tried to get your love and promised that he would kill anyone who dared to approach you, steal you from him.

You almost believed it was real.

On the last day of your vacation, you were sitting at a table opposite Satoru, drinking tea and smiling contentedly. Your little "game" has come to a logical end: you have surrendered to your "maniac" and agreed to be his and only his. Satoru sat across from you and smiled broadly as he watched you eat the sweets he bought for you.

–It's been a good two weeks, – you put down your cup and stretched. – I'm kind of sorry that I'll have to go back to work soon…

–M? What are you talking about? I told you, you'll stay with me forever. And you agreed. What kind of work can we talk about?

–Satoru, stop messing around, – you tapped him on the forehead. – I told you, 'game over.' And we have discussed this many times. I'll go crazy with boredom if I don't work. Plus, I love what I do, so…

–What game, my dear? – Satoru smiled innocently at you. – Initially, there was no game.

You looked at your husband... and shuddered. All this time, he played the role of a maniac who is obsessed with you so flawlessly... why does he keep doing it now, when you've already told him it's over?

–Satoru, this isn't funny, – you rolled your eyes. – By the way, where are we? I don't remember your family having an estate in the middle of the forest…

–This is my personal purchase. I bought it as soon as I saw you.

–Uh, cute... probably? Did you want to give me a present or something?

You watched as Satoru slowly got up and walked around the table. He put his hands on the back of your chair, and you shivered all over. You knew, knew that your husband was just joking… B-but why were you suddenly afraid?

–I must admit, you should reward me for waiting so long, – Satoru leaned in close to your ear, and you could almost feel his smirk. – I've been waiting so, so long for this moment. I've watched these pathetic humans interact with you, how they waste your precious time... how they take you away from me.

–S-Satoru… I told you... "game over"…

–O-o-oh, my precious, – Gojo took a lock of your hair and pressed it to his nose, inhaling the scent. – You're completely wrong. It's just getting started…

You jumped up abruptly and spun around. Satoru looked at you with... hungry eyes. There was a creepy smile on his face that sent goosebumps all over your body, but now you didn't feel as excited as you did a week ago. Now your husband looked like a maniac... instead of trying to play the role of a maniac.

You took a couple of steps away from him and slammed into the table. Gojo chuckled and held out his hand in your direction. The ring glinted on his ring finger.

–What's the matter, dear? Didn't you like it when I acted like an obsessive, jealous animal? That's what we came here for. Oh, I'm so, so glad that you accept me for who I am…

He started moving towards you, but for some reason you couldn't stop your body. You couldn't think, you rushed to the door leading to the veranda and burst out. Your feet started to lead you towards the forest. You grabbed your phone and started tapping your finger on the screen, not knowing who you were going to call.

Satoru followed you out and looked at your retreating back. Over the rustle of branches, you heard his hysterical laughter, which made your insides freeze. You almost stopped and froze in place…

–My dear wife, do you think I won't find you the same way I did all the other times? Back then, I didn't even try, didn't even use my Six Eyes… And now... now that you're running away for real, the hunt should be real too, right?

You ran, you ran, you ran... you hoped to escape, somehow. Fortunately, so far you've been able to make a call, and you've taken the opportunity.

–Yes...?

–N-Nanami-san! I-I need help right now! S-Satoru is chasing me! I think there's something wrong with him! I need someone to know my location on the signal!..

You yelled when Gojo suddenly appeared in front of you. You turned around and started to run, but his big, strong arm wrapped around your waist and held you close, holding you firmly in place. He put his other hand over your mouth. Somehow, your phone is trapped between his ear and shoulder.

–Gojo-san?..

–Oh, I didn't think you'd address me so respectfully, Nanamin! It's so cute!..

–In general, I turned to your wife, do not even hope. Gojo, what's up? What was that?

–Oh, remember what I said about the little themed vacation that (Y/N) came up with? – Satoru said that like he wasn't holding you in his arms at the moment. You tried to resist, tried to scream, but the sorcerer was just too strong. – She got so used to being the 'victim' that she accidentally called you! I'm sorry if she distracted you from your important bread things. She wanted everything to be as close to reality as possible.

–Yes, I would also call someone if I was kidnapped… In any case, I don't want to know what the two of you are doing there. Say to her "hi" for me. And also ask her not to call me with such "practical jokes". Realism is realism, but I might think that she was actually abducted by someone.

–Of course, of course! Bye-bye, Nanamin! I kiss you!..

–I didn't want to hear it.

As soon as Satoru took one hand away from you, you screamed. However, Kento didn't hear this because it was the first to disconnect from the call. Gojo silently put your phone back in his pocket.

You shivered all overas Satoru pulled you closer to him and leaned in close to your ear, his hot breath burning your temple.

–I couldn't stand having you around other people. I've waited so long to trap you… – Satoru kissed you on the cheek, then lifted your hand and kissed the ring on your finger. – Now only I can see your beautiful face, hear your angelic voice, and smell your divine fragrance… You'll be mine now. And that's what you've been dreaming about, isn't it? A normal person could not have imagined that they were being abducted by yandere.

You tried to resist, but you knew it was useless. Satoru easily hoisted you over his shoulder and carried you back towards the manor. Your own game... took you to the grave.

As you sat on the bed and tried to get as far away from Gojo lying on his side and smiling, you were horrified to remember every expression on his face, every movement, every word he said…

It was all true. Every threat to your family and friends, every promise to put you on a chain or put a collar on you, every word that Satoru is ready to destroy the whole world, if only you were near him… It was all true.

You always knew that your husband would fulfill your every wish. He just loved you so, so much! He always listened to you and tried to make you happy. But now you understood why this was happening. He was just luring you into a trap. He just wanted you to rely on him and him alone. He just wanted... to have you all to himself.

He will indeed grant you every wish... but not the one that concerned your desire to escape. This is now your new home. The home... right next to him and only to him.

[aphrmoosun]

{Noa and the Beast}

Nomae: One shot

• Sipnosis.

Noa is the new leader of the clan, his responsibility was to his own. But an Echo enters their lives and they decide to kill her due to the ancient writings that defined her as dangerous. But when Noa has her in front of him, his world changes completely...

• Pair.

Noa and Mae

• Movie.

Kingdom of the planet of the apes {Half AU}

• Tags.

Nomae, interspecies relationship, interspecies sex, interspecies romance, yes it is a ship fic, smut, romancing, Beauty and the Beast, Half AU, Noa hunt Mae, but the Noa falls in love with Mae, Long One Shot, Writer isn't English Native Speaker, etc

• Other nomae fanfics.

You and Me

No words

_________________________________

DO NOT COPY OR SHARE IT ELSEWHERE WITHOUT PERMISSION!

• Noa and the Beast [One Shot]

**First Act**

_________________________________

The day was coming to an end. Noa was returning home with a successful hunt. He and his friends had managed to catch a pair of rabbits and a adult deer, earning them a warm welcome.

The situation was difficult for the village. Since his father had died, he and his mother were the only hope for their survival. They had to lead the rest to survive, and that was his duty as the new leader of the village.

"Well done, son," his mother said.

Noa sat down beside his mother, hugging her and offering her a piece of food, which she refused.

Their happiness was interrupted by some apes who arrived running and shouting.

"It's an Echo! We've seen one near here!"

Noa managed to understand what one of them was saying.

"Calm down," Noa said, standing up and addressing them. "It's probably just passing through. Echos usually move when it starts to get cold."

"This one is different. We've heard it talk! It was settling near the village."

Another ape spoke up, frightened.

"Don't worry, it won't hurt us."

"You don't understand. Echos are evil, the farther away from us, the better."

"If that means underground, even better."

"Yes!"

Many of the apes supported the idea of killing the Echo.

"We can't act impulsively. We need to think with a clear head."

Noa defended the idea of reaching a consensus.

"You're our leader. You must defend our home from those things!"

The ape began to feel the pressure from his village. Everyone wanted to see how the new leader would handle a dangerous situation.

"Fine! I'll take care of it myself." Noa didn't like the idea, but he said, "Tomorrow, I'll go to where you saw it and bring back proof that the Echo is no longer a problem."

Noa received a big ovation, but he couldn't take his eyes off his mother, who disapproved of his attitude.

_________________________________

**Second Act**

_________________________________

Anaya and Soona, Noa's best friends, were already ready to go after the Echo. They were determined to accompany their leader, not just as friends, but as family.

The plan was to approach the Echo on foot, without horses, so as not to scare it, and kill it with the arrows they used for hunting. But Noa had taken something else from the village - a remedy that they took when they felt pain, in case he couldn't bear the scene, he would give it to the Echo himself.

It would have been just another Echo, but the idea of being able to hear one talk for the first time had haunted him all night. What if he could talk to it? What if it could defend itself by talking? What set them apart from animals if they couldn't talk?

But his village needed him. They had never encountered an Echo like this before, and it was a danger to his people. It was written that way.

When they were far enough from the village, Noa turned to his friends, stopping them.

"I have to go alone from here."

"What? No, we're not going to leave you." Soona approached him, grabbing his hands.

"Soona, I have to do this alone. I'm the leader now, and I have to be responsible for my words and my responsibilities towards our people. And one of those responsibilities is taking care of you too."

"I don't care about your position. We also want to take care of you."

Anaya joined the two, and they ended up in a three-way hug.

"I'm sure I can handle this. But I need to do it alone." He finally convinced them.

Anaya and Soona walked away, and he began to walk forward. He didn't look back, it would be easier to fulfill his responsibility alone and as the leader he had to be.

_________________________________

**Third Act**

_________________________________

He could observe her easily. She didn't seem to have seen him, and she continued with her life as usual. She walked back and forth, going to and from the river near the home she had built.

She was very resourceful. With the help of stones, branches, sticks, and leaves, she had built a kind of settlement near the river. She had everything she needed to survive just a few steps away.

Noa couldn't help but analyze her. From her physical features to her delicate movements. What she seemed to be doing was cooking with leaves and fruits he couldn't recognize.

They had warned him that this Echo was not normal. If she could talk, it was already very different from the ones he had encountered before, but he had never imagined what he had in front of him. If it weren't for her small body, little hair, small eyes, small hands, small waist, the bulge on her chest, and small feet, he could have sworn he was looking at an ape.

But he had to push those thoughts out of his mind. He had come to kill her, and he had already wasted too much time analyzing her.

He raised his bow and placed the arrow right at the Echo's heart direction. His hands were shaking. It was the first time they had shaken like that. He had to admit, this wasn't a normal hunt. He wasn't going to kill her out of necessity, nor did he need her skin or any part of her body. He was going to kill her because he feared her. Not just him, but his people. And that had to be his thought, his people were waiting for him to bring back proof of the event.

His vision became blurry as his heart began to beat strongly, he couldn't look. He released the arrow without being able to see well where it was headed.

"Ah!"

He heard the Echo's despairing cry.

_________________________________

**Fourth Act**

_________________________________

Noa found himself in front of the Echo. His blurry vision and sweaty hands hadn't allowed him to hit his target. His main objective was the Echo's heart, but due to his nerves, the arrow had ended up hitting one of her sides.

She looked at him with open, frightened eyes, trembling while she held her side. She had pulled out the arrow and was trying to stop the bleeding.

Noa could have stood there, watching her die from bleeding, but he couldn't help but approach her and offer her a piece of cloth from his own arm to stop the bleeding.

The human looked at him doubtfully, taking the cloth.

"Why?"

He didn't know what to answer. Why had he attacked her? Why was he helping her? Because his heart was in constant struggle over what was right against his mind.

Echos had to be kept away. They wouldn't approach them, and they wouldn't live with them. Beyond the Valley was forbidden to cross because Echos were there.

The elders of his clan described them as monsters that killed each other, creatures that took everything around them and massacred it. Wild animals that would kill their own siblings for power.

But in front of Noa, he saw a smaller creature than him, harmless, and not having harmed them, alone, and with no signs of damage to nature around her. Not even signs of fires or dead animals.

Noa crouched down beside the human and covered her wound, helping her stop the bleeding.

"I don't know why. Neither do I."

_________________________________

**Fifth Act**

_________________________________

Noa had decided to move the unconscious Echo to the nest of leaves covered by a roof of branches. At least there, she would be comfortable and covered in case the sun bothered her or it rained. But he had to go back to the village, he had to go back to Anaya and Soona, because if he took too long, he was sure they would come to see what had happened to him, and that wouldn't be good.

He had to do it quickly. Kill the nearest animal he could find, so he would have something to feed the Echo when she woke up, but also use a significant part of it to show in his village, her heart.

A hare had been the sacrifice for his plan, he didn't have time to go for a bigger animal, and with the hare's heart, he was sure his village would calm down.

He took long strides, quickly, so as not to take too long. Right where he had left them, Anaya and Soona were waiting for him. They ran to hug him and looked at what he was carrying.

"Did you do it?" Soona asked, stepping back from the hug.

"Yes."

He was lying. He was lying to his friends for an Echo. But he didn't have another choice.

In the village, they received him as the leader he was. With hugs and praise towards him. He couldn't bear the weight on his chest. He was lying to everyone.

"Son, are you okay?" His mother was the only one who could feel something in him, and she didn't take long to approach him and ask questions.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be? We've gotten rid of that Echo! Isn't that right?"

"Because it's the first time you're acting like the leader of the clan." His mother hugged him. "I know it's hard, going against your ideals to follow the clan's ideals. No one asks if you're okay when you come back, they just receive you as the leader."

"I'm fine, mom."

She was the only one who could discover everything if she noticed his strange behavior. So he had to act normally... how was he supposed to act normally after supposedly killing an Echo that hadn't done anything to them?

_________________________________

**Sixth Act**

_________________________________

That same morning, Noa had gone back to where the Echo was. He expected to find her where he had left her, but he was surprised to see her standing, trembling, by the riverbank.

"Hey, you shouldn't be there."

She jumped back, trying to get away from him.

"It's okay, I'm here to help you."

"You're the one who hurt me."

Well, he couldn't deny that.

"I'm sorry. Please, let me help you."

"H-how can you apologize for something like that?"

She had started to breathe with difficulty, holding her wound.

"Sh, it's okay. We'll talk when you're cured."

Noa held her wound again, seeing how it was still humid, and proceeded to clean it, forcing her to lie down on the nest.

The ape had brought new bandages in case he needed to change them, so he proceeded to change them.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."

"It's hard to believe. Did you think I was livestock or something?"

"No, my village is scared of you, and they wanted me to kill you."

"And, why didn't you?"

Noa continued to change the bandages, unable to look her in the eye.

"I don't know. I didn't want to kill you personally, without knowing you. But it's my duty as the leader."

That information silenced the human. She grabbed his hand with the one he was using to clean her.

"Well, as the leader, stop. You've done your duty, you've tried to kill me, give them that information, and I'll run away from here. That way, you can say I escaped."

Noa shook his head, turning his hand to hold hers.

"No, you're already dead to them."

_________________________________

**Seventh Act**

_________________________________

Noa had been going back and forth from the village to where Mae, the Echo, was for a week.

During the day, he took care of his leader duties, and at dawn, he would return to the human's nest, where he would cure her, feed her, and take care of her. In those moments, they would talk, forgetting about the ape's attempt to assassinate her. Mae had opened up completely to him.

A human who had lost her family recently and was trying to survive away from the rest of humans who had hurt her. He didn't understand how they had hurt her if she didn't have that physical aspect, only the wound he had inflicted on her. But she explained that the wounds those humans had inflicted on her were not visible on her body, but in her heart.

Noa felt like seeking out those humans and defending the human to make her feel better. But she told him she was already learning to forget them.

"The wound is much better."

He didn't like how she was healing so quickly. Mae would have to leave when she was fully cured, that had been their agreement, but he wasn't ready to say goodbye so soon.

"Yes, I can do things on my own now. You should rest more at night and not come to see me."

"I don't need to rest. I want to come see you."

"Noa..."

"What?"

The ape continued making the meal, actually watching how the fire was made.

"You know I've forgiven you. You don't have to keep feeling guilty. Forgive yourself too."

"I-I can't. I failed my village. But I also failed you. If only I had shot higher, you would be dead and I wouldn't have met you."

"But you're a good ape and didn't do it. If it had happened this way or that, it wouldn't exist anymore. The reality is that we've met."

________________________________

**Eighth Act**

_________________________________

That day, his mother wouldn't leave his side. She observed him closely without speaking, but that made him even more nervous.

"What? What's going on?"

He stopped in front of her.

"Son, you can lie to the whole world, but not to your mother."

"What do you mean?"

"Your nighttime escapes, the lack of sales, your fatigue during the day. Tell me, son. Where do you escape to?"

"Nowhere, mom. Just... I go climbing alone to relax and sleep."

"Yesterday, you slept very late, the sun had already risen. And you started talking in your sleep."

Noa averted his gaze so she couldn't keep reading him like that.

"Your dreams mentioned Mae's name."

"Oh, nonsense. I don't know anyone by that name."

He turned around, trying to ignore his mother's comments so as not to get more nervous.

"Son, do you sneak out at night to see Mae? Is she the Echo you didn't kill?"

"Mother! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"I've known you since you came out of me. Small, hairy, and noisy. Since you were very young, you showed that you weren't like the rest of the apes. You were very analytical and more intelligent than most. Your father knew that you took twice as long to think things through, just like your grandfather."

"Mom..."

"That's why I knew when they asked you to fulfill this responsibility that you would take your time to think it through and not do it, because you're a fair son of mine."

"Mom, I couldn't kill her. She hadn't done anything to us and lived peacefully alone by the river. She didn't pose any danger like the elders make us believe."

"I know, son. I know you very well."

His mother hugged him, and he took refuge in her arms. Taking a weight off his shoulders since he wasn't the only one who knew about Mae's existence.

And not just the two of them anymore. One of the aoes in charge of the birds had overheard their conversation, hiding from mother and son.

_________________________________

**Ninth Act**

_________________________________

That morning, Noa found Mae packed and ready to leave, with her things in a backpack and the fire extinguished.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to leave now, Noa."

"What? No, why? You're still hurt. You can't leave yet."

"I'm not hurt anymore, Noa. You saved me."

"No, no, no, no."

Noa grabbed the girl's hands, trying to stop her.

"We knew this moment would come. I'm very grateful that you gave me the opportunity to meet you."

"No! It's the other way around. I tried to kill you and you forgave me, letting me into your life."

"That doesn't matter anymore, Noa."

"Yes, it does. I came here to kill you because I thought you were an animal, a monster, a beast. And I ended up realizing that the only beast here is me."

"Don't be so hard on yourself."

"I have to be. I can't forgive myself because if I do, I'll think I have a chance with you and it's not like that. I can't, n-no..."

Mae grabbed his cheeks, making him lean his forehead against hers, looking into his eyes.

"You're not a beast. You're my savior, but I have to leave so I don't cause you more problems."

Noa shook his head and leaned in to kiss the human, savoring the sweet taste of Mae's mouth.

They separated as they heard horses and apes cries.

________________________________

**Tenth Act**

_________________________________

Noa was startled. The only apes near the river were from his village. And it couldn't be, they didn't have any nighttime exploration planned.

"What's going on?"

"I don't know."

He turned to the human, grabbing her cheeks to make her look at him.

"Don't worry, you hide. I'll go see what's happening."

Mae looked towards something behind the ape's back, and he turned to see what had caught her attention, finding his friends.

"Noa."

The two apes ran to hug him.

"You don't know what's going on in the village. Maximo told them about the Echo and they're all coming to kill her."

Anaya explained quickly, without taking a breath.

"How did you know?"

"Why didn't you tell us?"

Soona responded with another question.

"I couldn't. She was in danger."

"We're your friends! We would have helped." -Soona raised her voice.-

"It's okay, guys. We'll discuss this later. Now we have to help the Echo." -Anaya turned to Mae.

"You have to distract them while I help her escape." -Noa grabbed Mae's hand.

"No!" -Soona refused.- "You're the clan leader, you have to give them explanations after what they found out. You have to be consistent."

The ape couldn't refuse. His friend was right.

"Mae." -he turned to her, grabbing her shoulders.- "You're going with Soona and Anaya, they'll help you."

"I'm staying with you." -Soona gave him her back as he said goodbye.-

He couldn't make her change her mind, as the apes were approaching.

"Echo. It's better if you get on my back and I'll run." -Anaya offered her back to Mae, and she got on without taking her eyes off Noa.-

________________________________

**Eleventh Act**

_________________________________

The group of apes arrived, finding Noa and Soona together. Both apes were standing side by side, bearing the gaze of the rest.

"Where is she?"

"We know, Noa. The Echo is still alive."

"We have to kill her before she attacks us."

"She's a demon."

Several apes spoke at once.

"Silence!" -Noa shouted, making them all quiet.- "She's not a demon! We're the ones who pursued her and tried to kill her without harming us."

"She'll do it, it's written."

"The elders say so."

"The elders are wrong!" -Noa shouted again.- "And the laws are wrong!"

"Noa, step aside!"

Several apes approached violently. He couldn't let his clan lose respect for their leader.

As the leader of the eagle clan and respectful of his clan's ancient tradition, he began to sing. He still hadn't joined with any bird. Due to his father's death, he had decided to wait out of respect for the previous leader. But now... it was the only solution he could think of to regain his clan's respect.

He continued singing, and no eagle came.

"It doesn't work like that!"

"What eagle would want to join you after you betrayed us?"

The apes' voices enraged him. His voice rose above theirs, and a large eagle with a strong presence landed on his arm.

When Noa looked up, he was surprised to see the eagle Sun, his father's eagle. Known as the strongestin its nest and stubborn like his father. Everyone feared and respected it.

_________________________________

**Twelfth Act**

_________________________________

Most of the apes kneeled before Noa, who stood proudly, looking at the eagle on his arm.

"It can't be, the eagle Sun has finally chosen its new master."

"It can't be, Noa, he's a traitor."

"Maximo, stop talking like that about the clan leader. He's already proven with actions that we should trust him."

One ape began to defend him, and most of them joined in. Noa knew he had regained his title as leader.

"We can't forgive his lie!"

That ape, Maximo, ran forward. Noa saw his intention to go after Noa and Anaya, so he stood in front of him, growling.

"You're not going to pass!" -he shouted, making Maximo take a few steps back.- "The Echo is my responsibility." -Noa began to address everyone.- "If anyone has a problem with her, they should come to me and I'll resolve it."

Maximo walked away with his head down.

The rest of the a apes roached to congratulate him on his union with Sol, and Soona stepped aside, observing him. In the end, it hadn't been necessary to help him; he was the clan leader, and she regretted having doubted it.

_________________________________

**Thirteenth Act**

_________________________________

The next morning, Noa met with Mae again. Anaya had told him the location where she had hidden her, in the cave where the three of them used to hide as children when they wanted to escape from their parents or play pranks.

Anaya had confided in Mae about the location, knowing how important it was to her friend Noa.

The ape and the human looked at each other intensely when they met. Mae was sitting on a rock, holding a piece of fruit, and had heard him enter. She was anxious to see him.

"Noa!" -she stood up, looking him up and down.- "Didn't they hurt you?"

"No, no, Mae." -Noa put his forehead against the human's, closing his eyes and breathing in her scent more closely.- "Y-you, are you okay?"

Mae let out a laugh.

"I'm fine. You faced your clan for... for me."

"Yes, for you. But I know that's not as scary as riding on Anaya's back and climbing up here with his rough scaling."

"Anaya took good care of me, you don't have to worry."

"I know."

Neither of them wanted to break the silence that followed. They hugged, feeling each other's skin so close. Mae's breath hit Noa's lips, and he couldn't resist anymore, leaning in to kiss her again, this time knowing every centimeter of her lips and mouth as he introduced his tongue.

"Noa."

Mae whispered the ape's name, and she pulled away, placing his lips on her cheek.

"You shouldn't kiss me like that. And I won't be able to leave if we keep doing this."

"Then don't leave. There's no need, no one wants you to leave. Come with me and live in my village, with my clan."

"No! Noa, I don't want to bring you more problems."

"You're not going to bring more problems." -Noa hugged her.- "Since I met you, you've brought nothing but joy and laughter and good thoughts to my life. You've made me happy, and I don't want to lose you."

"Okay."

Noa shouted happily, hugging the girl and lifting her up.

"You make me so happy, I love you!"

Mae looked into his eyes, unable to respond since she had lost her breath.

The human leaned in, kissing him again, this time with tenderness, and pulled away after a few seconds. As if her lips had given him strength and air to speak, she responded.

"I love you too."

_________________________________

**Final Act**

_________________________________

Mae moved in with them. The village had welcomed her with open arms when they saw her arrive with their leader.

Noa's mother received her literally in her arms, in a strong hug.

"Welcome."

The Echo, the beast everyone had feared, had found a place in everyone's heart. She had sought her place in the village and now fulfilled her responsibilities so that no one would ever have to take care of her again.

A certain leader wasn't very happy about it, since it meant they spent less time together, but he was happy seeing how everyone had learned to love her.

There was even a moment when he felt jealous of the attention she gave to the other apes.

Mae dedicated herself to healing and feeding the smaller or injured apes, or those who were lonely. This made her spend more time with others than with him. But he couldn't say anything, he had to fulfill his clan duties too.

At least he had the hope of ending the day and finding her in his nest again.

"Noa."

Mae sighed in his ear. Noa couldn't help but lie down next to the human and kiss her from her cheek to her neck. He had seen her sleeping already, but he missed her and needed to feel her in his arms.

He placed himself on top of her, lifting her clothes and pushing them aside. It wasn't the first time they had done it, but he had understood that those garments were important to cover the human's attributes. For the apes, it was rare to see those clothes, but Noa's ego grew when only he could see her like that.

Naked, trembling from his kisses and caresses, and so sensitive that she responded to every touch he gave her.

He introduced his virility, making her moan, making them both moan. His thrusts were quick and concise. That night, he needed to feel her with urgency. The desperation in his chest to make her reach climax and hear her scream his name.

"Noa!"

That scream and the contractions of the human's vagina around his penis made him come with a grunt.

"Mae, Mae."

He leaned on her, placing his elbows on both sides of Mae to avoid hurting her, and waited for his heart to calm down after coming.

"I love you."

He heard Mae.

"I love you too."

The ape responded before falling asleep next to her.

His life had taken a huge turn since the Echo, his Echo, had entered it. From believing he was going to kill a beast, to believing he had become one, to falling in love with an Echo. She had saved him from drowning in a life full of desperation and lies. She had entered his life to make the monsters that haunted him disappear. Mae was, is, and will be the love of his life forever.

________________________________

END.

[furiousgoldfish]

I want to talk about a situation that happened when I was a kid, and even though this particular instance did not traumatize me (that I know of), it still deals with traumatic themes, such as physical abuse, attempted murder and severe neglect, so be careful if you're reading on! I'll explain at the end why I'm talking about it, and also psychoanalyze what I think was going on.

When I was about 6-9 years old, I had a strong conviction that my father was going to kill me. He would lock me into the basement and hurt me, and even though the injuries weren't lethal, I could feel the intent, he was out of control, not watching where he was hitting, if he was going to break my bones or not, it was erratic, terrifying. I love how I prefaced this with 'oh this didn't traumatize me' and then I started with that, but it's just the context to the actual story. That first part did probably traumatize me, I remember little of it.

Since I felt that my life was in peril, I decided, logically, that I needed to kill him before he kills me. It was justified I would defend my life with all I had. So I sneaked into the basement room, and searched for something that I could use for a weapon, next time he shuts me in there. I found one, memorized where it was, and then I was ready.

It came soon after, the event of me being alone with him in the basement, him out of control, attacking me, and again, I felt like I was about to be killed. So I grabbed a metal pole hidden next to the fireplace, used my full strength and hit him on the head with it. He fell down, and stopped moving.

I panicked then. He looked dead. I let myself out of the basement (I knew where the key was) and yelled for mother, telling her that I killed him, but I had to, because he was going to kill me. When we got back to where he was lying down, blood was trickling out of his nose. But my mother wasn't panicking like I was, she could probably see him breathing. Then he sat up.

I was even more scared then, because if he wasn't dead, then he knew I just tried to kill him, and would come after me even worse. But he didn't. He didn't even look at me. He wiped his nose, seeming completely calm, rage from before completely gone, talking only to the other family members, who seemed concerned about him.

I was told, that it's good for me that I didn't kill him, because had I done that, I would have been imprisoned for murder for the rest of my life. And other than that, everyone ignored me. Nobody talked to me, or had anything to say about the entire event. Father ignored me as well. I was not punished. Nobody was even mad at me. Nothing else was done.

The 'you'll go to prison forever if you kill him' line worked on me, because I didn't know the law, I didn't know that we don't incarcerate little kids; I was underage. They lied to me. So next time when he got me close to that feeling of 'I'm about to be murdered', I had no way to defend myself. If I killed him I would go to prison. I had no choice but to just let him do whatever and not retalliate in any significant way. Sad and painful.

Thinking back later on this event, it was bewildering to me that I was not punished whatsoever for a murder attempt, despite getting punished for bullshit like 'talking back' or 'having an unpleasant face expression'. This was common; I could be severely punished for leaving a door open, but when I did something big, like hurt a sibling, or threaten someone, or hit my father with a metal pole in the head, there was no consequences whatsoever, nobody would have even talked to me about it. I wondered if this was just because they loved that shit, they loved watching me grow into the same violent, brutal and sadistic person they all were, because then they could go 'you're no different than us', and be right. But, unlike them, once I knew something I did hurt another person, I wouldn't do it again; I did horrible things just because I was a kid, and all adults around me were horrible, and I mimicked them, as kids do. They wouldn't punish me for mimicking their awful behaviour because they approved of that, and they didn't care if my siblings were hurt because they loved hurting children anyway.

This also reinforces the theory that punishment is just an excuse to hurt a child, because these were the legitimate reasons to invoke consequences, but they never did, punishments were dished out when they felt like torturing someone and at that point, any face expression could have been an excuse enough. They didn't care about raising a kid or teaching them right and wrong, it was all just self-serving acts of sadistic pleasure.

But to let a murder attempt fly? I thought about it more today, and realized that maybe, they were shocked I did that. Maybe it was an unpleasant surprise to find out, that under severe stress, I would make an attempt at their lives. Maybe finding out that I just tried to kill one of them, made them not want to immediately try and do more violence to me. Maybe they were concerned that I injured their family member, and were more preoccupied with that. Maybe the logistics of 'this child just attempted to kill someone' made them slightly less secure in their 'beating children is normal and good' culture, maybe it signaled to them that beating children could be, in fact, a little dangerous. Of course this didn't make them not wanna do it, they just needed to persuade the child to take it and not retalliate, thus 'you'll go to prison if you do that', and afterwards they felt comfortable again, sure that justice is on their side. To make things more sinister, beating children was not even illegal in my country during that time, so what they were doing to me wasn't punishable by law. But if I retalliated, I was a criminal, according to them.

Hitting children did become illegal by the time I was 9, but conveniently nobody bothered informing  me, and I would live many more years in belief that violence towards me was normal, necessary and completely legal, hell I believed that even killing me was legal, because everyone was acting like it very much was and were threatening it left and right.

So the reason I'm thinking about this event, is that I just got some great news. My father has colon cancer. He's currently hospitalized about it. I don't know what stage it is, but the mortality rate for it is high. He might die. He might die.

I am overjoyed. I am hopeful, I am thrilled, I could not be more happy about this. What I started with that pole in the basement, might get finished. If he dies I am free. If he dies, my version of what happened is the only one to exist. I would be safe.

I think my reaction is interesting. Because I know other victims of abuse feel some sort of grief, some sort of pain and guilt for their sick or dying abusers, especially when they're parents, because of the parental bond, and trauma bonding, and victims generally having a lot of empathy and humanity towards abusers. Not me! Apparently my father managed to never even develop the basic parent-child bond with me, and I was ready to kill him by the time I was 6. What kind of shitbag human do you have to be so that your small child tries to kill you with a metal pole and when they hear you're dying, it's the best news of their life? That's such inhumane stuff that all my basic child instincts of attaching to my caretakers got overwritten by the necessity of protecting my life. You did it so badly you messed with human DNA there! Biological instincts voted against your parenthood! Self defense murder was invoked against you. You are ruled out as a bad parent and a life threat by my tiny child instincts.

[cntloup]

had enough

Toxic!Simon, unhinged reader, threatening to commit suicide, guns, mention of killing, implied cheating

Part 1 | Part 2

ik ive used this song before but whatever

“I’ll do it, Simon! I will fucking do it!” you shout while holding his gun to your head, the one he always kept under his pillow just in case. It was supposed to be there for your protection. But how he regrets it now. 

You're a complete wreck right now as you stand before him, uncontrollable flows of tears along with your makeup cascading down your face, bloodshot eyes looking back at him as you threaten to pull the trigger. 

And he has never been this scared in his life. Not even when streams of bullets come flying in his direction almost every day. 

“Put the gun down... please... we can talk about it. I will stay. I promise.” he pleads desperately, struggling to figure out what to do in this situation. 

“What does she have that I don’t have? Huh? What do they have? I don’t even fucking know how many there are anymore!” you continue yelling and sobbing while waving the gun around, stopping him dead in his tracks as he steps closer to take the gun from you. 

He ducks his head as you point the gun in his direction for a moment, “What? You think I'm gonna kill you? Whatever I do, I'll do it to myself! I can’t go on like this anymore!” you cry out, your loud sobs and hiccups fill the room, fill his senses, overwhelming him as it builds up his aggression and frustration more and more. 

“Put. The. Fuckin'. Gun. Down.” he states firmly as he gets closer, slowly reaching for the gun that you now hold by your side as you go on sobbing. 

“Why don’t you love me, Simon?” you ask while slightly tilting your head, this time in a much softer tone, almost as if you have given up the fight, now only desperate for an answer. 

Your words bring a shocked look to his face, not from the question itself, no, your question is completely valid considering his actions, but because he doesn’t know how to answer. 

He finally reaches out and takes the gun from you, your fingers loosening their grip and your sobs slowly dying down a bit, a defeated look replacing it, “Why do you do this to me? All of it? Why the fuck did you make me fall in love with you?” 

He holds his head down, not daring to meet your gaze and look into your expecting eyes as you still await an answer. 

Is it from shame? Or that he doesn’t want to confront the consequences of his actions? You don’t know which one, but you guess the latter is probably true. 

“You d-don't... can you just hold me please?” you ask in utter desperation as you shut your eyes in shame of admitting defeat.

In no time, you feel a pair of strong arms wrap you in a warm embrace. 

And after all that he’s done to you, you still feel safe in his arms, even somehow... loved? Or something resembling that.

And you remember why you always keep crawling back to him as he tightens his arms around you.

And as much as you don't like to admit to yourself, you'd feel content if he would just pretend to love you.

yes im going through some stuff as you can tell :'(

[constantfragmentation]

HI FELLOW SILCO ENJOYER

What are your thoughts on the polycule theory of felicia-silco-vander? 👀

Whew... where to begin?

Fair warning, this is going to be a long assessment.

First off, I firmly believe (unless S2 Act 3 makes me eat my words), that the writers didn't realize Silco and Vander would become such popular characters. I don't think that was the plan. They were side characters meant to beef up the main stars Jinx and Vi. Rightly so. They were devised as parallels for Vi and Jinx throughout the story. And it was beautiful.

S1 was filled with little details that enhanced every part of the plot and character development through each act.

However, if S/V were so important, more care would have been put into their backstories, which have been kept pretty vague. And these so-called continuity mistakes/plotholes seem pretty big for a studio that has been meticulous in the details all through S1.

We meet Vander, who changes his life after seeing the kids lose their parents and adopts them. Vander is seen as the builder and leader of the Underground, and he seems to lead with the threat of who he used to be (until Sevika calls his ass out).

Silco is introduced as the mean baddie immediately via Vander/Benzo's conversation in E1.

"There's worse things than Enforcers out there. We both know that."

Then his full intro including an underground evil lair and mad scientist at the end of E1.

E2 leans into the same MO for Silco. Until finally coming to the best episode (IMO) in all of S1 and it's E3, where things come to light. But he's still evil, vicious and spares no one. Silco appears to have zero empathy and is filled with a deep seeded hate.

"Silco?! You animal! Go crawl back into whatever hole you came out of!"

S1E1-3 Silco completely paints him as terrible from the Underground's perspective. Silco - bad. Vander - good. Both Vander and Benzo see Silco as a dangerous threat. So does the rest of the Underground feel the same? Do they know about what happened to Silco by Vander's hands? Sevika chooses him because she lost faith in Vander as a leader.

So, that makes me wonder if Silco WAS the brains behind everything from their smuggling business and building up the Underground to the rebellion. Vander on his own, seemingly, isn't shit. He is the muscle. WIthout the brains, he doesn't haven much in planning so he turns to making a deal with Enforcers instead.

By S1E3, we start to see beyond the veil a bit. Vander tried to drown and murder Silco. Let's remember one thing. Vander didn't just try to shoot Silco or they got into a fist fight and things got out of hand.

He tried to DROWN him. There's no way Silco went with Vander to the river fearing his life. Now, whether they went to talk in private and it got heated, you still have to sit back and look at Young!Vander and think wtf?

He is painted the good guy from the beginning. A man with restraint and compassion, looking out for everyone and especially his 'kids'.

It takes will and strength to smother/drown a person. It is NOT a quick death, it's a slow and painful death. Vander's intent was to kill him. Not once, did Vander think in the minutes holding Silco underwater that damn, this is wrong or overkill? You don't flippantly say "I'll never forgive myself" for trying to murder you slowly. Now beating the shit out of him and ruining his eye, yeah, that would make more sense from Vander, knowing he probably turned Silco into this worse person and fucked up his face, vision forever.

The viewer is left to assume it was something so fucking bad, Vander had to kill to stop it. Plus, Silco is already painted as the bad guy, so we presume Vander was right in trying to kill him?

So, what was so bad that this course of action was required? Well, it's pretty damn vague. In all of E3, Felicia isn't mentioned or hinted at ONCE. Not once. If Vander tried to kill Silco because of her, why do we not learn about any of it?? That seems like a pretty important fact, yes? This is Vi/Jinx's mom and she was a close friend? I'd say that's important.

Nope. Silco drags Vander to his lair and waxes on about fighting Piltover and finally realizing his dream of a free Zaun by any means.

Vander tells Silco he's never forgiven himself for trying to kill him, but nothing else is added to it? We're left to believe that Silco was either too powerful and influential in Zaun or that he orchestrated the bridge fight (that Vander was still fighting until the kids arrive and they see their dead parents).

This grey area is why the fandom has spent years trying to decipher what was so bad that it tore two brothers apart with attempted murder.

We learn in S2, Vander apparently "looked everywhere" for Silco and then wrote him a letter in a mine, hoping Silco might come across it. Well, if your brother tried to murder you, I'd say you would stay far away from him and not venture to old places in case he might try it again? Sounds reasonable, yes?

So Vander just gave up trying to talk to Silco and explain everything for YEARS? By S1E1 he and Benzo know about Silco and probably know where he is and that he's up to no good obviously. So why haven't they talked once in years?

Vander said he was in a rage over Felicia's death. But I'm sorry, none of that makes much sense and frankly takes the fire out of what created the fracture between two friends.

I would have preferred Riot not explain than give us a half-assed backstory of three happy-go-lucky buddies and the death of one is the backbone of hate, distrust and betrayal.

Again, Silco said Vander BETRAYED him. If they were arguing about Felicia and her partner dying, leaving kids orphaned, I don't call that betrayal. Vander's letter sounds like an argument that got out of hand. You don't just accidentally drown your best friend for the greater good because your other friend died in a fight ALL of you were fighting. You knew people would get hurt and/or die. It's reality.

It just doesn't FIT. It doesn't fit these characters at all in the narrative from S1.

Another reason I believe Riot never intended to go further with Silco and Vander's backstory is in the animation. Like I said above, S1 was littered with little and amazing details that we, as the viewer, have been analyzing for years.

The drowning was a VERY young Silco and Vander. Vander clearly has a beard and looks much older on the bridge in E1. The flashback in E3 looks like it was 10 years earlier at LEAST. That would be around the time Vi was born or a toddler if we're estimating her age by S1E1 on the bridge.

Vander beat the shit out of him and then decided to kill him by drowning. THAT is a major choice to make. That is a vicious choice. So we do see Vander as being more violent in his youth. So if the drowning came AFTER the bridge, that also doesn't quite fit either. He takes the kids and chooses pacifism, yet soon after, he's murdering his best friend. AND he suddenly shaved and grew younger, because he wanted to look clean and pretty before killing his bestie?

Zero continuity here. Bad writing. If there was mistake due to animation, they should have changed the backstory to fit than ramrod something else that looks badly done and makes zero sense to your audience.

Personally, I wish the drowning was PRIOR to the bridge battle.

It would make more sense if Vander was having second thoughts while planning the bridge fight. Maybe a separate attack went wrong and he realized they were going to lose and many would die. Silco, maybe having more influence or threatening to show Vander as a coward to the people is what finally triggers Vander to kill him. In order to stop this, Silco needs to die and then maybe Vander can convince others the fight is already lost against a superior firepower.

To kill Silco in that manner, signals to me, Silco was a great threat. Which means to me, Vander either felt he was a threat to him (since Vander does become the power in the Underground - the Hound) or he is beginning to feel like this fight is pointless and will change nothing. People will die for nothing.

Making it all about Felicia, just takes the fire out of rift between these two men all these years.

Again, she's never mentioned.

Silco even reflects in S1E3 that he still respected Vander after the drowning until he learned Vander was working with Enforcers and basically made a deal with Topside to keep the peace. That continues his pathway as a rebel and he's going to take down Vander with it or use him "what you really are".

Silco knows how violent Vander was and he's going to use it with Shimmer.

If we go by S2 timeline, then both Silco and Vander would know Felicia's kids well before the bridge battle. in S1, Silco would know who Vi is, at least and be aware of Powder. He would know this by S1E3 when he says "Have you heard the rumour? Vander the coward fled town with his children and were never seen again."

Pretty callous talking about his other bestie's kids like that. Damn. If Silco cared for her, then wouldn't he spare her kids? I just don't see this was ever about Felicia. It doesn't fit. He really didn't flinch in having Vi or any of the kids killed. HER kids? I'm having a hard time with that one.

I've said before that in Silco's eyes, Vi is an extension of Vander. When he finds Powder and she cuts off Vi as her sister, Jinx becomes an extension of himself, thus HIS daughter. It's like Silco's last "fuck you" to Vander by taking Felicia's other daughter as his own.

Overall, I hope to hell it's not some love triangle. Or either man was in love or had a crush on her.

I read some fans saying since the flashbacks are Vander's in S2, we're seeing things from his perspective. I'm all for an unreliable narrator with characters because it keeps things open for interpretation.

But we would need to see this from Silco's perspective, too—not just the drowning/betrayal. Silco sees this as a major factor in the direction his character takes. It's a life-changing moment for him.

We also don't see any flashbacks to the years Silco took care of Jinx after Vander's death. If he knew Jinx's mom, wouldn't that come up? Wouldn't that be something Jinx would remember and influence her?

In S2, she reminisces a few memories of her mom like nothing has happened since. She and Vi act like nothing really happened between them. By the end of S1, the sisters diverge when Jinx decides who she will be. It's Jinx, not Powder. She knows Silco loved her and, more importantly, accepted her for who she was. She was perfect in his eyes.

Plus, Vander's trio flashback seems odd in both animation and backstory choices. Silco looks VERY different than his flashback of the drowning. His hair is much longer (man bun), he has a widow's peak he doesn't have later (weird). He appears to care for Felicia and happy for her being a mom. They made him more physically attractive and older than the flashback in S1E3.

Vander doesn't look like the younger version in Silco's drowning flashback. He looks older too. Animation choices were made that don't match the continuity of the previous season.

We're assuming their smuggling business is doing well if Felicia talks about the Underground being much better for everyone. Are we still giving Vander full credit for that? S1 implies Vander built the Underground both from Grayson and Zaunites.

Silco jokes he is "Bozo #1". To me, he is joking but not in saying he's the mastermind in this duo. Without him, Vander's just a brute.

I'm not sure of Vi's age by S1E1, but maybe she's 10 or 12? So prior to the battle unless a fallout happened with Vander and Silco, why don't we see Silco with the kids? Why do the kids act like they don't know him? If they were such a tight trio with Felicia, why only Vander with the kids?

He fought at the bridge knowing Felicia had two young kids that could be orphaned and was still fighting when the kids showed up. He already knew Felicia was dead but was still fighting.

If her death was too much, why didn't he stop then? The kids appreance stopped him. Okay. I get that. But we don't see Silco anywhere on that bridge, does he know she dead? Is he still fighting? Where is he?

This whole polycule feels like they had to throw it in somewhere but didn't adequately explain it to match the motivations of the characters we have known and studied. It opens more plothole questions than it answers. It creates more problems that did not need to be there.

If Felicia wasn't that important to expand on last season, why do it now and do it poorly that contradicts characterizations already laid down in the whole previous season?

I'll say it again and again: Riot did not plan for it. They didn't think Vander and especially Silco would be so popular, and fans would demand to know more about them.

Plus, another thing that kind of bugged me:

When Vi is embracing Warwick/Vander and tells Jinx "He's your dad too."

Yeah, it's a nice moment, but it's a shit on Silco too. Technically, didn't JInx have more years with Silco than Vander? She saw Silco as her father (although not the best), accepted her, encouraged her skills, gave her important jobs, wouldn't give her up and called her perfect in his dying words.

I guess fuck that dad, right? He is evil dad and now he's dead, doesn't matter anymore.

Did anyone else feel like Jinx turned back into Powder this season? The kicker in S1, is that she CHOSE to be Jinx. IDK. The sisters were real quick to hook back up after everything.

As I've said before, they needed maybe three seasons if they were going this route. No character is getting enough time this season for good story-telling and character development. Too much is getting crammed in one season and it's sad because there is SO much story to work with.

I, for one, would watch another season of these characters. You could take time to explain the Black Rose and Mel's story. Ekko has nothing this season. Jayce doesn't have much. There's very little explaining and too many new questions that won't get answered in one season.

Vi became an Enforcer for half a second. Granted Caitvi only knew each other for maybe a week so for their 'relationship' to fall apart doesn't surprise me. But Cait bouncing back and forth. Jinx bouncing back immediately after Silco's death doesn't make sense since he wasn't the cause of her mental illness.

"Silco didn't create Jinx. You did."

Sister's bond quickly like nothing happened between them. Sevika is suddenly on Jinx's side with little work considering they disliked each so much.

Intro of a new character, Isha.

Viktor turns into Jesus and hangs out in the Big Bang with Sky. I was waiting for Machine Herald and got Jesus Herald.

Ambessa could have a better story but again, I think they needed at least one more season to flesh everything out. It's all too fast and packing way too much into one season of plot for so many characters. The sister's reunion is too fast. We don't get enough info on Warwick yet.

I hope, but they can't tie all this up in three more episodes.

Sorry for the mental vomit, but I've been thinking about this all week, and now it's out like verbal diarrhea. Even though I've enjoyed this season, I can't help but feel disappointed. S1 was so much better.

[pollymorgan]

Coach Negan Part 4

Warning: Argument on the phone (and with the ex), Negan being Negan, blowjob in a public toilet.

As soon as my pulse has normalized again, Negan wordlessly hands me a napkin to clean up the mess between my legs. Then our food arrives. I don't really have much of an appetite, I just regret that we didn't stay at my place. I only have eyes for Negan. The incredible orgasm I just had has only made me crave more. This man brings out a side of me that I didn't even know existed. And the worst part is, that jerk knows exactly what he's doing to me and clearly enjoys it. He would just have to ask me, or rather command me, and I would probably immediately climb onto his lap and let him screw me right here in front of everyone, that's how much I wanted him.

Just as I pick up my utensils, my phone rings. The ringtone completely kills my appetite. Ringtone? Well, more like a warning signal. I've set the tone specifically for my 'ex-husband', to mentally prepare myself when he calls.

I drop the utensils in annoyance. With the words "Sorry, I have to take this!" I rummage the phone out of my bag and have to be careful not to pull my panties out along with it.

I answer the phone, "Yes?"

"Can you explain to me why you're telling our children that I'm standing them up?" he shouts aggressively into the phone.

Oh no, this is the last thing I needed. I've sworn to myself never to be the mother who drags the divorce through her children. That's why I often bite my tongue, even though he doesn't deserve it. Okay, sometimes I slip up, but even his lawyer would find it hard to justify his behavior, and besides, our kids aren't stupid, if they're stood up multiple times, they'll notice.

"If you stop shouting at me... we can continue talking, otherwise I'll hang up right away..." I say calmly and then look at Negan, "Excuse me for a moment...".

Determined, I stand up and head towards the toilets, while accusations continue to rain down on me.

At the same time as another woman, I enter the ladies' room. Annoyed, I look in the mirror and notice that my makeup has been slightly affected. I lean over the marble counter and wipe away the mascara residue with my right thumb under my eye, while supporting myself with my left elbow and pressing the phone against my ear.

Amidst his never-ending monologue, I can only interject with brief moments of "That's not true...", "Ask her yourself..." and "If you had been there, you would know..." It's all so pointless and only serves his need to vent. As usual.

I am well aware that the woman who has just left the cabin and is washing her hands next to me is eavesdropping on my conversation. But frankly, I don't care. Even when the door opens and the next person enters the room. I just hope I can end the call as quickly as possible without it completely escalating. Because if there's one thing I've learned in recent years, it's that this man is absolutely unpredictable.

I see in the mirror how the woman next to me shakes her head and leaves the room. Suddenly, my heart skips a beat as Negan appears, as if it were the most natural thing.

We maintain eye contact through the mirror and he stands very close behind me, while I am still bent over the sink.

My ex's words are no longer really registering with me. I can hear his aggressive voice, but what he's trying to tell me has been going around in circles the whole time.

However, something catches my attention again. "And what about that stunt in front of the school? Peggy told me that you embarrassed her in front of the entire student body by starting a fight with her gym teacher.. What's wrong with you?"

Now I can hardly contain my laughter, but I try to remain as serious as possible.

Defiantly, I reply, "If you actually listened to your daughter for once, you would know what a self-absorbed jerk her gym teacher is,.. Mister Smith more than deserves to have someone give him a piece of their mind..."

Negan looks at me in mock shock and mouths the words "What?". Then he gives me a pat on my outstretched bottom, which makes me flinch for a moment. Now I can't suppress my grin anymore.

I see in the mirror how Negan's eyes wander over my body and he considers what to do next. His gaze lingers on my butt. Slowly, he tries to push up my dress, under which I'm wearing nothing. I quickly straighten up and pull it back down with my right hand.

Then I turn to him and our eyes meet directly now, making my knees instantly weak. Threatening I signal him threateningly with my index finger to stop these games. But Negan immediately grabs my wrist and presses my hand directly against his crotch. When I feel how hard he already is, everything clenches in my lower abdomen. Inevitably, I bite my lip and swallow hard.

I hold the phone slightly away from my ear and clumsily try to cover the receiver.

"What's this?" I ask tensely.

"What?" Negan innocently asks, "I just want to show you how damn horny you make me, and when I see your cheeks all red like that, I'm damn sure you don't find the whole thing so bad either.."

I briefly glance over my shoulder in the mirror and see that this damn guy isn't lying. My cheeks are bright red! Why am I so damn easy to read?

I hear my ex getting louder on the phone. Annoyed, I bring the phone back to my ear. "Listen, I'm in the middle of an important business dinner, if you have problems with our children, please solve them on your own..." then I simply hang up, without waiting for his response.

After a brief moment of silence, I grab Negan and pull him purposefully into one of the toilet stalls. As soon as we both fit inside, I close the door and push him roughly against it.

I press my body tightly against his, look at him innocently, and ask softly, "What should I do now?"

"Fuck, beauty, you know damn well.." he says with a confident smile.

But it's damn fun for me to turn the tables a bit and take control.

"Oh no, I want you to tell me..." I reply assertively and give him a gentle kiss on his lips, barely touching our mouths.

"Get down on your knees and take my hard cock in your sweet mouth."

"Oh, oh what's the magic word?" I tease, while at the same time undoing his belt and reaching into his pants. When my fingers touch his hard penis, I really have to be careful not to lose my composure. But from his whole body's reaction, as he flinches, even if he tries to hide it, I see that I have just as much power over him.

I pull my hand out of his pants once more, but only to hold it up to his face.

"Spit on it!" I command. Without breaking eye contact, he lets the saliva glide onto my palm.

I immediately grasp his penis again and smoothly glide up and down with the help of the fluid. The quiet moans that Negan lets out send little electric shocks directly to my vagina.

"Please, please take it in your mouth..!" he pleads, while the sound of the next woman entering the room and going into the toilet can be heard.

"Oh, very good!" I say and slowly squat down. I pull down his pants and boxers a bit more, and his hard, perfect cock is right in front of my face. Again, I grip it and with my tongue I slowly lick up the precum that has formed on his tip.

"Come on, no more games, sweetheart.. Show me how deep you can take it in your mouth..".

His words encourage me to put them into action. I take a deep breath and then let him glide into my mouth as far as possible. Even though it's not that easy, I push him in as far as I can. And I am rewarded with a soft "Fuck, yes, just like that.." from Negan. His hand lands on the back of my head and his penis twitches deep in my mouth. I let him slide out again. "You like that, huh?" I tease him, looking up. Without taking my eyes off him, I repeat the process, and Negan's hand presses me a little further against him. When I pull away, I gasp for air. Something that clearly pleases him.

His hand moves to my face, and with his thumb, he strokes my open lips and says in a deep voice, "You're so good to me, beautiful lady.. Let me come in your mouth, and then I want you to swallow it all, understood!". In a state of excitement, I simply nod and then focus again on his penis. I lick along his shaft. I thoroughly explore every vein with my lips and then enclose it completely with my mouth. With each further touch, I feel Negan's tension more and more.

"Fuck, yes.." he says breathlessly, before the salty warm liquid lands on my tongue..

[theloveoffootball10]

sᴛɪᴄᴋᴡɪᴛᴜ- ᴛ ʜ ɪ ʀ ᴛ ʏ ᴏ ɴ ᴇ

m a s t e r l i s t

ᴛ ʜ ɪ ʀ ᴛ ʏ ᴏ ɴ ᴇ

I cry throughout my flight to Amsterdam, the minimal times I stop something ends up setting me off again. The flight attendants must think I'm completely insane. I don't get much better on the connecting flight from Amsterdam to Bristol, maybe it's knowing I have to face someone from Lando's family to get my car. I always knew it would be a bad idea leaving my car at their house when I went to Monaco.

I'm truly devastated at what has happened. I never in a million years thought Lando would do this to me. Everything about him was a green flag except it turns out he's the biggest red flag walking.

I've got countless missed calls and texts from Lando but truthfully he's the last person I want to speak to. If my phone didn't need to be turned on for my boarding pass, it would be off and no one would be able to contact me. Being honest my dad is the only person I'm happy to hear from right now.

I know it's early in Austin but my dad has already text to see how I'm feeling. He knows me well enough to know that a phone call isn't what I need right now but I know he's at the other end of the phone when I need him. I have no doubt in my mind that he's told my mum what happened, in fact the whole world probably knows. As I wait for my taxi to Lando's parents house I do the worst thing I could do, I open instagram. The first thing I see is a gossip page with a photo showing clear as day that I slapped Lando across the face with the caption detailing my anger at Lando and the fact the slap silenced the paddock. I can see the rage on my face in one of the photos shared and it's terrifying.

I was in shock when I done it but now I'm over that I fully think he deserved it. The sheer audacity of him to not only behave the way he did but to then stand in the paddock laughing like nothing happened. Watching the world pass me by I almost don't want to get out of the car the closer I get to Lando's parents house. I can't sit in the taxi forever but I know I have to do it. Letting out a deep breath to steady myself I knock on the door unsure of the reaction I'll get. I'm under no illusion that everyone will know what happened but I just want my car from the garage so I can leave.

"Hey how you feeling? Come in" Flo says as she opens the door to me. Seeing Lando's sister stood in front of me my eyes fill with tears again. His full family are such nice people and they've welcomed me with open arms.

It's hard to imagine not having these people in my life even after only meeting them a handful of times. Seeing Lando's mum walk into the hallway is all it takes for me to break down. Again. I've cried more tears over this man in the last 12 hours than I have ever have over a man.

"Lucía you're going to be okay" Cisca says wrapping her arms around me "my son is an idiot"

"I could kill him. He's such an idiot. You're the best thing to ever happen to him, I'm tempted to get on a flight to Austin to slap the other side of his face" hearing Flo so angry with her brother hurts me. This is between me and Lando, I don't want his family turn against him.

"Flo that's enough, Lucía doesn't need this"

"Mum are you joking! He's embarrassed himself and ruined the best thing in his life. No brother of mine would ever treat a girl so badly! He's been taught better than that"

"I don't blame any of you for what Lando has done. He's responsible for his own actions, it isn't a reflection on you or the way he's been brought up" I say through my tears not wanting a family fallout on my hands "I'm sorry I don't want to be rude but I really just need to go. I think you're all amazing but I need to be away from all things Lando at the minute"

"We get it but please call if you need us. Lando might be my brother but I'm more than on your side Lucía" hugging Flo and Cisca once more I thank them before walking out to my car. I need to get away and back home where I belong.

The road back to Cheshire feels like it goes on forever, I keep the radio on as a distraction until Kelly Clarkson's Behind These Hazel Eyes starts to play and I lose it once again. I have to pull over onto the hard shoulder as I can't see through my tears. This man has broken me.

Eventually I'm able to start driving again and all I can think of is being back in my own bed hiding from the world. I haven't checked the results of qualifying, I don't want to know and I certainly don't want to watch the race. I feel bad knowing I'm not watching my dad but let's be honest Sky Sports show very little of him racing anyway. Pulling up at home I can see the light on and I know my mum will be waiting for me. I haven't told her I'm coming home early but I know my dad will have phoned to tell her. Walking into the living room the second I see my mum I burst into tears for what feels like the millionth time.

"It's okay baby. You're home" my mum says pulling me into her arms rubbing my back "cry as much as you want my girl. Your dad told me everything"

"Mum why did he do this?"

"I can't answer that for you but I can be here for you and rub your back as you cry. You're my daughter and you're my only concern" sitting with my mum on the couch I lay my head across her lap and cry as she strokes my hair "I'm sorry this happened Lucía. I was heartbroken for you when your papá phoned me"

"Mum I thought he was the one. It might have only been a few months but I saw a real future with him"

"It might not seem like it now but that could still happen. You're upset and angry right now but when you're ready talk to Lando"

"I want nothing more to do with him mum. I'm done with him. I don't think I can go back to him knowing he kissed her. I never once doubted whether I could trust him or not but now I won't be able to trust him at all" at this point I don't ever see myself with Lando again. He's ruined anything we could have had.

"Do what's best for you Lucía. I'm always on your side and I'm always fighting your corner"

"I love you mum. Thank you for everything" I say before I fall into an unsettle sleep on my mums knee. I'm exhausted and physically drained. I want to block the whole world out and isolate myself from everyone and everything.

• • •

Sorry this is a short chapter, I go to London for a few days in the morning and wanted to post before I go.

[vigarioamelia]

there are a lot of tragic characters in elden ring (pretty much everyone lol) but godwyn exudes a kind of Shakespearean tragedy that just makes me feel so bad for him

godwyn the... betrayed

do you guys remember that trend? jupiter was supposed to be a star but failed?

alexa, play the old doll audio

i'll be talking a lot about godwyn so uh big words trigger warning i guess

Godwyn the Golden, the first child of Godfrey and Queen Marika the Eternal and also the first Demigod known to ever perish.

He was the first descendant of the Golden Line and one of his traits is *literally* being friends with dragons.

Whenever he's mentioned, grief is involved. Both the grief of a Mother and the grief of the people.

He was part of the Golden Order, but we know for a fact he was no maniac for its fundamentals, given the genuine bond he had with Fortissax, for example.

I know we can't really Know this stuff but come on, Godwyn seemed like a certified Big Bro™. He gives the feeling of how pure a person should be. Royal blood – of the purest kind! From the lore we have of him, it appears that he really was The ideal prince.

I like to believe he was particularly fond of the Omen Twins and that, even though they grew up in completely opposite worlds from each other, he was always sort of There. Better than Marika, that's for sure. Just imagine big bro Godwyn taking his baby bros for a tour around the capital. They spend the entire day running around and Godwyn looks so peaceful that the twins can't help but feel that too, if only for a moment.

Not to mention the tender relationship he probably had with the cursed twins.

When Godwyn's spirit was slayed during the Night of the Black Knives, he received a fate worse than death itself: the curse of living in Death.

He who should be crowned golden as the Lord among them all was crowned in ruin as the Prince of Death.

Godwyn will not only never die, but he will never live again. His existence is a terror that punishes the roots of the Erdtree, a thing that not even Miquella was able to stop or help in any way.

This once sweet and kind and beautiful lord is now nothing but a creature spreading across the land.

When both Miquella and Fortissax failed to give him a proper death and rest, what then remained of his body was laid under the roots of the Erdtree. A bit fair, isn't it? First of the Demigod, ruined and buried under the Erdree, where he will slowly but certainly cause destruction and despair all across the land, bringing death to all it touches.

It kills me that the place where he's buried is so dark and lonely and scary. The Godwyn before the Rune of Death was assured to have dozens if not hundreds of statues and paintings and churches and whatever to honor him.

But Godwyn the Golden ceased to exist. There's no one left to adore or admire or cherish. The only thing left is Godwyn the Prince of Death.

He's now worshipped by the undead, Those Who Live in Death, as D calls them. Is there a more tragic end for a royal who was once beloved all across a golden capital?

The only way to change his fate is to make things even WORSE.

Restore the Elden Ring with the Rune of Death and he supposedly comes back again, but. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I would literally go fucking insane if I first opened my eyes to the world I cherished and grew up on completely destroyed by MYSELF without my damn consent.

If he became Prince of Death by his own choice? Fucking sexy. I would support him. SLAY (literally).

But this? My man was ROBBED.

Imagine being "reborn" (in death) and realizing that EVERYONE from your life is dead. The place where you ran around as a kid? Fucking demolished, DIRTY with ashes. ASHES OF DEAD PEOPLE.

AND YOU'RE THEIR MONARCH.

There's NOTHING to rule and most of all THERE'S NOTHING TO PROTECT.

Literally the worst thing that could happen to a dude.

look what the fuck they did to my baby holy shit there truly wasn't enough room for a blonde twink in the lands between was there

Ohh... Oh,  Lord Godwyn... Such cruelty, such humiliation... My poor, sweet lordling should have died a true death. As the first of the demigods to die. As a martyr to Destined Death. But why must it yet bring such disgrace? A scion of the golden bough, sentenced to live in Death...

i really only have two things left to say:

1. godwyn was too sexy to be in the game so miyazaki gave him the worst fate known to humanity (godhood?)

2. this happened to my buddy eric

[bunnakit]

last twilight e8 thoughts, feelings, and tears

ok i cried for like 10 minutes after the episode ended so forgive me if this isn't up to par of what i usually do. apparently i'm fragile today.

there was a lot i liked and didn't like about this scene. in the past we've seen Day cling to the idea that someday he'll see again, that this is all temporary. instead of reiterating that, instead of talking about the cornea transplant, he instead asks "what can i do?" it's such an insanely massive sign of his growth. i'm so fucking proud of him. it made me so fucking emotional because while he's still upset, he's still hurt, he's still angry, he realizes his reality and he's making steps to move forward with that.

what i didn't like about this scene was once again Day's mother acts like Day's life is ending. she's been the number one person to coddle Day and to reassure him of this surgery that may never happen. i know she means well but fuck. this has to stop.

i also fucking hated the doctor for this. Day isn't fucking dying, there's still so much he can do even once his sight is completely gone. sure, he'll have some limitations, i get that. i can't swim in the ocean or rivers anymore. that fucking sucked to learn right before going on my honeymoon to the beach. but you know what i could still do? walk across the beach to the little hidden tide pools, sit on the jagged rocks, and watch the crabs and fish and anemones and everything thrive in this tiny little ecosystem. it was still amazing and something i may not have done if not for my disease keeping me from going in the water.

we're limited by our disabilities but we aren't fucking dead - life goes on around us and we can either participate in it or wallow in our fate. i'll talk about this more later.

you can skip this next paragraph if you don't want to see me babble on another personal anecdote.

i will say i saw a lot of myself in this moment. something similar happened to me a few weeks ago. i learned my disability is no longer responding to the treatments and i'll have to have multiple surgeries next year to close some year old wounds and will probably need some skin grafts. my disease is no longer managed but once again getting worse. when the doctor told me i just nodded and discussed the game plan. meanwhile, my mom was heartbroken and kept asking if there was anything that could be done. (nothing that i'm not already doing.)

sometimes we just have to nod along and accept what's happening. we can cry about it and get pissed later if we have to.

ohhh there's so much i want to talk about here. Day's mom infuriates me, probably because she's the opposite of everything my mother ever was when faced with my disabilities. her constant refusal to address Day's blindness is so painful, as if it's somehow a reflection of him as a person or a stain. it's just a fact of life and her denial is doing so much more to hurt Day than to help him. as much as i hate it, though, it is realistic. it can be so hard for those close to us to acknowledge what's going on, especially when they can't experience it for themselves or they aren't around day to day.

which brings me to the part that frustrates me the most. i'm going to get REALLY personal here.

TW FOR SUICIDE AND MENTAL HEALTH ->

i'll put another message when this little anecdote is over so ya'll can skip to that.

i've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since i was 15. when i was 16 i tried to kill myself. my mom didn't know until last year, but at the time she knew my depression was getting to a concerning level of bad. you know what she did? she quit her job. she made any sacrifice she could to stay home with me and make sure i was safe and felt heard and taken care of. granted, she wasn't a single mother at the time but we also weren't rolling in the money. my dad was a construction worker in the early 2000s when construction work was struggling HARD.

but that's what you do for your kids, that's what you do to take care of them and make them feel heard and loved and cared for unconditionally. my depression and desire to die wasn't a stain on who i was, it was my mind holding me hostage with no way out because they couldn't give me medication until i turned 18.

OKAY IT'S SAFE NOW ->

anyway, where i was going with that is that Day's mom, as a famous chef, clearly makes enough money to take time off work, to be there for her son, to stay home and make him feel loved and cared for. there's likely a lot going on on her end of being a single mother, of feeling like she needs to prove herself and show the world she can do this alone - but her son doesn't have to do it alone just because she wants to. he needs a support system and right now all he has is Mhok.

Day's anger is so real and so justified. he must feel abandoned by his mother, by the one person that should be there to comfort him and keep him safe. her love has become conditional on the state of his eyesight.

and then she tells him he can't go? he's not a fucking child. he's a full grown man and he was just told to do things while he still can see at least a little. i told my mom the exact part of the plot and her response was "well fuck her, he's gotta go." you're god damn right he does, mom.

everything Night does feels like repentance. i need know what the story is, i need to know what caused this massive fissure between them. i don't want to comment or speculate too much but at this point i can no longer condemn Night. he's trying, he's clearly trying so fucking hard, and he clearly has so much love for his brother.

and him giving Mhok money and letting him and Day escape because he knows Day will be happier? i really hope that is a step in the right direction of mending whatever was broken between them. there are only four episodes left and i hope bare minimum half of them deal with what is going on here.

The sea remains the sea. The sand remains the sand. The sky remains the sky. Though I can't see, everything remains the way it is.

and here we are. being diagnosed with a disability is a massive change in our lives, a huge hurdle we have to climb, but at the end of the day the world still turns, life still goes on, and we can either go with it or remain stagnant. this is the culmination of everything Mhok has shown Day. Mhok has constantly brought Day out to participate in life, to learn how to navigate the world that remains unchanged. while Day's world has changed it remains the same in so many ways. this is such a beautiful moment of acceptance and peace, of healing and moving past the hurt. once again, i am so proud of Day.

he's going to be okay.

i've seen others mention it but fuck this once again drove home how soft and caring Mhok is, something that's been so constant in this episode from his willingness to help Day, to the keychains, to the escape, and now this. this little act of asking for permission, of giving Day permission, of almost asking Day 'will you kiss me?' and then Day does. Day gives Mhok the first kiss initiated by him. until now it's always been Mhok but this time Day reaches out to Mhok in this gritty, sand filled kiss. (disgusting but still lovely)

and this really drove home how safe Day feels with Mhok. they're somewhere completely new and unpredictable but he suggests they drink and participate in the party - and i love that he doesn't ask for permission but rather says 'why not?' because Mhok has never made him feel like he needs to ask for things, not things he's fully capable of deciding for himself.

and they do! they act like the young adults they are and have an amazing night of just fun and laughter and love and i fucking love that for them. how many times have we seen Day get to act his age and be carefree? it's remarkably telling how free Day feels the further he gets from home, how free his love is when he isn't worried about his family. when he's away from home Day really becomes the sun.

(also i think i might make shirts like this with my husband as a fun activity because that's really cute.)

i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine. (i'm lying.) the amount of love they have from here on is almost palpable. the fact that Mhok takes the time to tell Day he looks good, that he's admiring him. fuck. it makes me think of just a bit before, where we see Day linger with his fingers against the mirror. Day hasn't seen his own reflection in over a year, he has no idea what he looks like anymore. he won't get to see the way age changes him, won't get to see the wrinkles and laugh lines form on his face.

but Mhok will be there to tell him, to say how handsome he is, and without fully seeing Mhok Day will know he is equally as handsome because he knows Mhok's voice, his character, and sure he knows what everyone has said about Mhok's appearance but who he is has always been more important.

and then for them to essentially say their own vows in the light of the setting sun? oh, my loves.

Day is starting a new chapter in the book of his life, a new chapter with Mhok and hope and confidence. he's taking back control and paving his own way and no matter what comes he'll face it head on.

i started crying here and didn't stop, P'Aof please i'm sending you bills not for my therapy but for all the water i have to buy to rehydrate myself from all my tears. once again, fucking hell i'm so proud of Day.

and he tells them to have a kid soon! so he can help raise it!! just like he'll probably help raise Porjai's kid. because he no longer sees himself as incapable, as someone unable to help. Mhok has shown him how capable he is, how much he can still do.

please allow me a moment to - AAAAAAAAA.

personally i cannot wait for all the gifsets we're going to see of this moment. they danced so perfectly together because they know each other. Mhok knows Day better than anyone else, they've gone through so much, and they move so intrinsically together. i'd say they know each other better than anyone else but there's still so much of Mhok left unexplored. there's so much Day still doesn't know, so much pain Mhok is still hiding.

i can't wait for them to truly know each other inside and out (not like that, but hey it looks like we're getting that next ep eeeyy)

i'm not really going to comment on the dad showing up at the end. i feel almost nothing about that, i'm just waiting to see how that turns out and reserving my opinions for now. (i had a shit dad, i'm a little bais.)

man, i'd hoped this would be brief with how raw i was feeling and how busy i am with work but GUESS NOT. thanks for reading as always tag loves: @nutcasewithaknife @benkaaoi @callipigio @infinitelyprecious

[unseededtoast]

Turtle Doves | Joel Miller

Part Twenty Two

Chapter Directory

Series Summary: In which two broken souls connect so deeply, that if one should perish, the other would surely die of a broken heart. (slow burn, timeline changes. After TLOU1, before TLOU2, assumed knowledge of infected, uses elements from both show and game)

Series Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, death, and sexual content.

Also cross posted on my Wattpad and AO3, if you prefer those formats. Here is a link to my masterlist for everything else I’ve posted.

"But that night you got hurt, I enjoyed killing them. I liked hearing them die in front of me, their blood staining my hands."

Joel and I don't stay in the town for another night, we continue on. Our pace is slower than what I've become accustomed to, but Joel's wound isn't completely healed yet. The two of us have been silent after our discovery, Joel didn't have anything to say after I declared my death threat. No, instead of saying anything, he just handed me the photos and nodded solemnly.

With the two of us getting closer and closer to Omaha, I find myself feeling appreciative of Joel's slower pace. This gives us opportunities to find things we may have otherwise missed. And it also gives me more time with him. Since his near-death experience, I find myself trying to memorize the way his eyes shine golden in the sunlight, the way his voice sounds in the morning, how his shirt clings to the broadness of his shoulders, just small details. The small details are the ones I know will fade first, and I want to be able to hold onto them for as long as possible.

I know this to be fact because I can no longer quite remember what Ryan's voice really sounded like, and I can't quite remember just how soft Lucas' hair was. The simple things about them have slowly faded from my mind without me realizing it, until I thought about them one day and could never truly remember. I've never been able to forgive myself for forgetting, and I know I don't want to forget these things about Joel. After all, he's the man who has kept me alive all this time.

A part of me wishes I could be there when he's reunited with his pseudo-daughter. I wonder if he's going to tell her about this, or never mention it to her at all. She would have no idea I exist, or that Joel and I took this trip together. I know Joel is trying to protect her from the people of this world due to her immunity, so it makes sense if he never tells her about any of this. She's still a child at the end of the day, and no child should hear that there's a bunch of crazed men out there trying to find and kill them. Even if she never knows about me, or any of this, I know I'll still be able to rest peacefully at night with the knowledge that I helped protect her.

"This okay for tonight?" We stop walking as Joel points out a small, run-down gas station. It's likely the only building for miles, and so I agree to stop here for the night.

As we set up our makeshift camp, I continue to think about the girl waiting for him back in Wyoming. After hours of on-the-road thoughts, I can't help but to be fascinated with someone who is immune. It's glaringly obvious that she's one of a kind. Sure, I've known for a while that she's immune, but I think it just took some time to process it, to really understand what it means and the ramifications of it. But mostly, I just want to know how it happened. What caused her to be immune and why it's not being replicated anywhere else, that we know of.

My eyes follow Joel's form as he starts the fire for the night, my thoughts anywhere but the present. I watch how he situates the flammable material while wondering what his life is like in Wyoming and if he's excited to be back. Obviously, he's probably eager considering he's got family waiting for him. He lights the fire and the amber glow illuminates his features in soft light. His eyes look warm and inviting, the curve of his nose beautifully adorns his face with unique character, the plumpness of his lips reflect with the drink of water he just took. As if he feels my eyes lingering on him, he looks over and meets my gaze.

"What's on your mind?" He asks, shifting back from the fire a few feet as it takes flame. My eyes dance between him and the fire, debating if I should confess or not.

"I um, I've just been thinking about a lot of things." It's not a complete lie, I guess. Orange flames rise and dissipate, crackling in front of us.

"About what? You've been quiet since this morning." Instead of confiding in him my most recent thoughts, I decide to unload the other thing that's been bothering me for a while now, since he was stabbed. With a sigh and a quick lick of my lips, I tell him my moral dilemma.

"I've never been one to enjoy taking a life. Didn't like it when I was on FEDRA gate duty, and I didn't like it when we ran into the Fireflies. But that night you got hurt, I enjoyed killing them. I liked hearing them die in front of me, their blood staining my hands. And I've been having these thoughts of what it's going to feel like to kill these people. It's almost anticipatory." Our eyes stay locked on one another as I speak, my words quiet and somber. With a shaky breath, I continue,

"And I'm not sure what that makes me. Am I really any different from them if I look forward to killing?" My throat constricts, like my body doesn't want me to voice my fear. The silence between us is palpable and dread grows in me with each second Joel doesn't say something. Not being able to handle the criticism when he opens his mouth, I focus on the fire.

"Doesn't make you a bad person, if that's what you're worried about." He finally speaks, and his words catch me off guard, the total opposite of what I was expecting.

"Then what does it make me? Because it isn't good." My voice cracks. I know it's not fair to be asking him these questions, but, I can't stop from asking them. He shifts his weight to his other side and leans forward slightly, looking deeper into my eyes and I fear if he looks too hard he'll be able to see right into my soul.

"Makes you human. Means you have purpose, something worth protecting. Or, in your case, a ledger to balance." There is no trace of anything but authenticity as he speaks, his words settling into my mind. My eyebrows come close together as I mull over what he's said and I realize he may be right.

"You know I really thought you were going to die that night." I change the subject slightly, not wanting to admit to him that he's becoming my 'something to protect' and a part of my 'ledger to balance'.

"And if I did I suppose it was just my time." He relaxes his posture as if the thought of death is no more stressful than deciding what he's going to wear the next day.

"Don't say that." I shake my head, not wanting any more images of his dead body in my mind. The one from this morning, from the photos, still haven't left my mind. Each time they pop up behind my eyelids, it instills a new fear in me each time.

"You did a damn good stitch job." He tries to lighten the mood, pulling up the hem of his shirt to show the still intact sutures.

"It's a wonder you didn't bleed out. Do you even remember what happened?" I'm not entirely sure how much he saw, or what he remembers. To answer my question, he shakes his head.

"Not really, just remember you gettin' there and the rest is just kind of-" He motions with his hands that his memory of the night has become scrambled.

"One of them got you real good with their machete. I stuffed the wound with my shirt to try to stop the bleed and then I had to get you to another building. On the ground just outside of where we ended up there was one of their torches, barely still burning on the sidewalk. So I took it and heated the blade of my hunting knife, then I cauterized the cut. Found the sewing supplies when I was looking around and just did my best. Truthfully, you lost a lot of blood, like, way too much." I give him the brief recounting of the night. His fingers lightly trace the stitching before he meets my eyes again.

"Thank you." He tenderly says, dropping the hem of his shirt.

"It was the least I could do." I shrug one of my shoulders. The silence between us returns for a few more moments before Joel announces that he's going to get some sleep for the night. I tell him I'm going to as well, but end up staying awake.

After a while, the flames of the fire begin dying off but my eyes remain affixed to the back of Joel. The shirt across his shoulders is drawn tight, battling to stay intact. His dark curls are barely brushing the collar of the shirt, more prominent from the humidity of the day. As my eyes wander down his solid form, the chain around my neck seems to burn my skin. Disgust with myself boils up from within, and I force myself to look away from Joel.

My gaze turns up to the ceiling and I try to flood my mind with how Ryan sounded, how he felt, how he loved me. Bits and pieces come back, like how his hand felt on my cheek, how solid his chest felt when I hugged him, but I cannot remember his voice. I can feel the timbre of it, but can't place the true tone and inflection. Tears well in my lower lash line as I accept that I genuinely can't remember him fully anymore. I've known for a while that certain things have faded, but I never took the time to mourn that loss, I have not allowed myself to mourn Ryan the way I should have all those years ago.

My hands curl into frustrated fists, my nails digging crescent shapes into my palm as silent tears run down my face. Tears of guilt for forgetting, tears of sadness because I can no longer remember all of my husband. Tears of fear because I realize that I may be falling in love with another man; one whom I cannot be with. I grit my teeth together in lieu of screaming and a hollow feeling opens in my chest.

Moving faster than my mind can keep up, I go outside where the air hits the wetness of my face and sends a shiver down my spine. Once I'm sure that I'm far enough to where Joel can't hear me, I let myself cry. With each ragged breath I take my chest heaves up and down unevenly. Tears uncontrollably run down my face and I grip the chain around my neck tightly, wishing I could just have one more second with my family, wishing I could feel the warmth of their skin on mine, to tell them how much I love them one final time. Hoping and praying that my love for them and their absence is enough to stave off the feeling blooming inside of me for Joel.

All through the past ten years I've yearned to have my family back, there's been a hole in my heart, a void that has never been filled since outbreak day. A void that hasn't been hurting as much the past couple of weeks. I've always missed Ryan and Lucas, but lately their absence has been a dull ache as opposed to the sharp stabbing I'm used to. I'm not sure what this means, because I know I love and miss them vehemently. But I also know how I feel about Joel.

Unable to stay standing, I lower myself to my knees, burying my face in my hands. My eyes squeeze shut and the tears fall off the ends of my eyelashes. Guilt overtakes me as I remember how on outbreak night Ryan protected Lucas and I to the best of his ability. How he told me he loved me, and that we were going to be alright. If only I had turned that corner first. Why was I the one to survive, but they had to die?

Guilt burns into anger and I blame myself for what happened. If only I had been brave enough to go first, then maybe they would still be on this Earth. I know they could've forged a life for themselves somewhere. Meanwhile I was content being shipped everywhere and ended up being a lowly pill runner. Why couldn't that FEDRA guard have shot the infected two seconds earlier and spared them? It just isn't right.

Sobs strain my throat while I try to stay quiet and I use the sleeve of my button up to wipe my nose. The stars above me shine brightly and I stare at them, stray tears falling down my cheeks. If only they could reach out to me and let me know that wherever they are, that they're together and they're not suffering, that they're not angry at me for feeling this way about Joel.

Ryan and Lucas will never be able to be replaced, they will always occupy a special place in my heart. I know I can never have them back with me physically, yet I know that they are forever with me, tethered to the very fiber of my being. But I feel that my heart is opening up a new spot, and I'm not sure I'll be able to kill whatever is blooming. I'm not sure I want to.

With wide eyes I search the sky for some sort of sign, some indication that my feelings are right or wrong. But my search is cut short when I hear the door of the gas station open. Quickly, I use the sleeve of my shirt to wipe my face and hope that the darkness of night will conceal my puffy face. As my head turns to face Joel, I can almost swear I see a streak of light in the sky. But by the time I do a double take, whatever I thought I saw, is gone.

"Are you okay?" Joel's voice cautiously asks as he slowly approaches me. The stars are shining so bright tonight that I can see the familiar crease between his brows. His boots crunch softly on the loose pebbles on the pavement and I nod my head, trying to stabilize my breathing.

"I'm okay." My voice betrays me as I speak, it comes out hoarse. Joel comes to my side, and lowers himself next to me, crouching instead of resting on his knees.

"Why don't you come back inside? I'll get the fire started up again." I feel his eyes on me as I stare back at the sky, one last lone tear sliding down my cheek. Joel's words are smooth as honey, calming and soft. A gust of wind blows past us, sending another shiver up my body.

Joel must see the slight quiver as the breeze passes, and he puts an arm around my shoulders, the other under my elbow, and he helps me back to my feet. He keeps his arm gently wrapped around me as we go back to the gas station, and I lean into his touch out of instinct. Before we enter the building, I stop and take one last look at the sky, hopeful to see whatever it was that zoomed past when Joel stepped outside just to confirm what I think it was. But nothing happens.

I step back into the building in front of Joel, who works to get the fire reignited. My body begins to physically calm down from my crying, jagged breaths turn into hiccups. The first one shocks us both, but after the second I think I can almost see a tiny smile on Joel's face. However, when he turns to me after the fire is rebuilt all signs of a smile are gone and is instead replaced with a caring expression. Joel's dark brown eyes are wide and I see how his eyes look over my face, his shoulders aren't tight and rigid, he almost looks relaxed.

He walks over to me and leads me to what I've claimed as my spot for the night, marked by my backpack. Gingerly, he sits me down and crouches by my side once more, moving a rogue strand of hair out of my face that was plastered to my cheek from the tears. His fingers are warm against my face, and he lets them linger there for just a second longer than he needs to. My eyes slowly blink, appreciative of the contact. He licks his lips and his eyes look over my face once more, trying to piece together what's wrong.

"You don't have to tell me why, but I just need to know that you're alright, that you're not hurt." I look into his eyes that are inches from me and I nod with another hiccup jolting through me.

"I'm not hurt." My hoarse voice confirms to him and I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand to dry them fully. I feel that my eyes are puffy, my lips swollen from keeping quiet and I hope I don't look as disheveled as I feel inside.

"Okay." Joel nods and only then does he back away from me. Though I wish he would stay. However, I know that with my uncertain emotions, that it's probably better he that he doesn't. For his sake. He doesn't need to be roped into my personal shit show.

Every few minutes a hiccup interrupts the quiet, and each time I see Joel struggle to keep a smile at bay. I'll admit, they do sound a little ridiculous and if I weren't so upset I'd probably laugh at them too. But as my hiccups calm down, I find myself transfixed by the dancing flames.

Perhaps I needed to come to terms with my reality, accept my losses, and understand how Ryan and Lucas are still a part of me to be okay with something new. And perhaps this something new is for the better. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I know I'm still human enough, capable enough, to keep going.

Twenty Three

[1moremilgram-enjoyer]

Kotoko's Clothes Throughout HARROW

CW Death and murder, vigilantism, online radicalization, mentions of kidnapping, Little Red Riding Hood (so a wolf eating someone and animal death)

In my Kotoko brainrot arc (aka working on a full HARROW analysis), and I think it's really interesting how much Kotoko's clothes seem to change throughout HARROW. Changing clothes in general usually represents character change, which certainly fits how much Kotoko's attitude towards everything seems to switch up as she becomes more and more radicalized (presumably by online discourse seeing some of the other stuff in the MV) and violent. Not to mention the whole Red Riding Hood thing. Let's take a look!

(Btw, I'm not going to talk about the weird changing clothes at the end of the MV, where her clothes are completely different when she sees the kidnapping than when she actually kills the serial killer. It's too much of a mess for this post, so I'll leave it for the full analysis)

(This has probably been done before but you can't stop me from posting >:D)

So, there's four distinct fits Kotoko wears in HARROW, which I'll call White Jacket, Blue and Yellow Jacket, Foggy Forest Fit, Murder Fit. (Clarification: I don't think she actually killed the alley dude, I'm calling it that exclusively for the final murder)

Let's go one by one, in order of appearance. White Jacket shows up first. It's made up of, as you can imagine, a white jacket with red streaks, shorts of the same color, a black tank top, and white shoes.

The interesting thing about this outfit is that it shows up first, then completely disappears after Kotoko attacks the man in the alley. Even when we later see her back in the studio, by that point she's already wearing her red hoodie. This makes sense, as the primary color used here is white. In this MV, I believe white is being used to represent purity of some kind, while red represents danger and aggression. So in this outfit, we see a Kotoko yet untainted by violence (white), but who already has that latent danger lurking underneath (red streaks). Hell, for all we know, she hasn't even dropped out of the faculty of law at this point.

(T1) Q7: What did you study at university?

KY: For a while, I studied at the faculty of law. There's something I want to do, so I'm currently taking a break from studies, though.

But also worth noting, in that first shot, the red hoodie she uses to murder is already behind her. Again, latent danger.

Her shoes are also important, because for Kotoko, shoes are her murder weapon. But not these shoes. The white, pure shoes are those of an innocent individual. In this case, it's because she literally hasn't done anything with them yet.

Finally, the black tank top, which she shares with her "murder" outfit. Allowing myself to go a bit insane, this is the piece of clothing literally closest to her heart. The black doesn't represent evil, but rather grief and pain, I believe.

Becoming light-headed again, it all becomes crazy, the normalcy sought for, fading away, everytime death comes. The soul moves forward - I hate all the evils in this world, I feel like I’m about to break The surrounding net covered with poison

Want to find “HARROW” “HARROW” I feel like I’m going crazy after straining my nerves The person that can’t be saved, is now understanding the abnormality

(Note: I personally think the person being distressed (harrow-ed) is Kotoko herself, becoming distressed at the world's evils. I also happen to think she considers herself "the person that can't be saved" but that's for another time)

So yeah, Kotoko's suffering a lot. We been knew.

Next up we have the "field investigation" fit, the one with the blue and yellow jacket.

Apart from the jacket, she wears a cap of the same brand, Jacques Roulet (I talked about that in this post), and some shorts. As you can see, her shoes are generally hidden, but I think they're the white ones? Either pair would make some sense, but the white ones fit better since Kotoko never performs any violent actions in this outfit.

As stated, this is the outfit Kotoko uses to investigate outside. Going in person to check out crime scenes, talking to the one guy... Thus, the blue of her jacket likely refers to wisdom, patience, intelligence, that kind of thing. It's "calmer" than the colors of the other outfits, because Kotoko is not showing her more dangerous parts (red).

See, the main thing about this design is that Kotoko is being guarded when she wears it. Note that this is the only one where she doesn't show her undershirt, which before I related to her feelings. The cap serves to further imply that, she's keeping herself vaguely hidden. Basically, in this fit, Kotoko is both hiding her feelings and vulnerabilities, as well as "hiding her fangs", if that makes sense. Presenting herself as calmer, more put together, and more rational than she actually is.

However, there's still the yellow. I think that one's meant to represent fun; Kotoko still enjoys what she's doing here. It may even be somewhat stylized as a thunderbolt, because electricity is usually related to excitement. As shown in her T1 Voice Reveal distorted line:

...Fufu... This feels so good.

(I would like to say that she obviously doesn't do vigilantism just for fun, because that's a weird take I've seen mentioned. She has other reasons, she just happens to enjoy it a bit)

The point is that this "fun" is still muted in comparison to the blue of the jacket, because it's essentially in the background. Kotoko's analysis and investigations are the most important parts of these scenes, the fact she happens to enjoy vigilantism is sort of incidental.

Last note for this one, having a "yellow streak" means being cowardly, but that doesn't really apply to Kotoko so we ignore it.

Then we have the outfit seen in the forest scenes. Red hoodie, white tank top, white shoes, black shorts. This one remains the same in all of these scenes.

The important thing to note here is that, because this is the one outfit we see exist inside her mind, this is how Kotoko sees herself, or more likely, how she would like to see herself. Note the black tanktop of despair (Milgram makes you say some ridiculouos shit huh) has been replaced with a pure white tanktop, because Kotoko doesn't want to be sad and hurt. Obviously. Similarly, her shoes remain white even after she attacks Oshii, because she still considers herself "innocent" in the sense of "justified."

Still, though, her hoodie is the red one she wears while murdering. Because she considers herself dangerous and powerful. And she is, girlboss stay winning (preferably away from the other prisoners though).

One important thing which many have pointed out before me is that, by virtue of wearing this red hoodie and being in a forest with wolves, this outfit seems connected to the story of Red Riding Hood. How exactly is a fun question, especially since Red Riding Hood is a fairy tale and thus doesn't have an official version, but let's see.

I imagine you know the gist of the story. Red Riding Hood (RRH) is a girl tasked with delivering food to her grandma, who is sickly and thus weak, but along the trail finds a wolf who asks her where she's going. The wolf then goes ahead as RRH gets distracted, and the wolf ends up eating the grandma and disguising as her. When RRH arrives at the house, she notices the grandma looks slightly different, before she gets eaten too. In later tellings a huntsman comes in and cuts the wolf's stomach open, allowing the grandma and RRH to escape unharmed, somehow. The wolf is also insanely resilient evidently, as it's still alive at this point, but the humans fill its stomach with rocks and then it dies.

... This story is a lot darker than I remembered.

We already have a few superficially shared themes with Kotoko. Protecting the weak, calling out deception... wolves-

In particular, being devoured by the wolf could be seen as Kotoko being consumed by the radicalization which led her to murder. This is especially notable because of the actual underlying themes of Red Riding Hood. See, the story is generally interpreted to be about "rites of passage" and rebirth, where RRH exiting the wolf's stomach is the rebirth. Generally it's connected more to children growing up and going through puberty, but for Kotoko we need a more general reading. As I said before, changing clothes is sometimes considered a symbol of change of character, and Kotoko certainly changes a bit throughout HARROW. For example, by forming an idea of what a "win" entails in the context of her vigilantism.

Stained emotions, what is winning or losing?

“I didn’t mean to offend”, “I won’t do it again” How many wins in a row?

Hell, one of the last lyrics in the song, which plays over a scene of the foggy forest, explicitly says it.

Newly born “HARROW” “HARROW”

And if you need any more symbolism, Red Riding Hood is also sometimes interpreted as representing natural cycles, with the girl being the sun (that's why her cloak is red) and the wolf being the night "eating" her, before dawn (when the girl gets out of the stomach). A completion of one of these cycles is also a symbol of change and rebirth;

Goodnight “HARROW” “HARROW” Laugh and I can get to like myself

so when Kotoko says "goodnight" to herself, she's making an oath to change, say goodbye to the old her and greet dawn with a new version of herself, one which she actually likes ("laugh and I can get to like myself").

And there is an actual cycle referenced in the video. The moon in the forest scenes is always a waning moon, except at the end, where it's a full moon, which is not just connected to werewolves and thus indicates Kotoko "completing her transformation and getting her fangs", but it also represents the end of the lunar cycle. Again, rebirth.

Not to mention the fact dawn breaks in the last scene.

You get it? Natural cycles being completed, being reborn, etc. Kotoko transforms herself significantly as she kills the "wolf", probably the serial killer dude.

And yet, her clothes in these forest sections never changes. To me, this shows a disconnect between how Kotoko sees herself and the way she actually is.

Timelines - 20/6/18 Kotoko: Treat you [Amane] like a child? Hah, you’ve got to be kidding. Back when I was your age, I was already the person I am today. 

This is demonstrably false. I just spent several paragraphs talking about how much Kotoko changes throughout HARROW, let alone during the last 8 years of her life. The point is that Kotoko doesn't realize how radicalized she's becoming while browsing all the websites we see her going on during the video. And you know, there's probably some interesting social commentary and character complexity to talk about there, but if I get too much into it I will be here forever, so I'll leave that as food for thought.

Anyways, you may have noticed I'm not really talking about the pants. You're right! Moving on.

Finally, her murder fit. Same red hoodie as last one, but with a black tanktop and black leggings.

Her shoes are also different, a pair of men's shoes which are also her murder weapon. You see how they're (primarily) grey instead of white? Get it? Because she sees herself as only good and morally right, but she's (say it with me everyone) morally gray.

(Using both spellings to bother everyone)

I've already talked about how her red hoodie represents her violence and danger, literally covering up her black tank top of despair (might as well just run with the term).

Finally, I know I haven't been talking about the pants since I didn't see anything too interesting, but the change from shorts to leggings did catch my eye. However, I think that may just be a more 'practical' change as opposed to a 'symbolism' change. I imagine that if you're doing something illegal like beating up some dude in an alley, you'd feel more comfortable the less skin you showed, even if rationally there shouldn't be any way to identify Kotoko just by her legs.

I know I wouldn't kill with shorts and a t-shirt, but give me some leggings though, and I'm already looking at Amane's mother like she isn't dead enough yet-

Ehem. Disregard that last point.

Well, that's the end! As I said, I'm not gonna deal with the change of clothing at the end of the video, because to explain that I would have to explain an entire murder theory and talk about how I don't actually think Kotoko ever saw the exact scenes we see in the small room with the wooden floor, etc, which is all just too complicated for what's supposed to be a relatively short post. I'll address it in my full analysis, but there's too much going on for me to explain it here. With that said, I hope you enjoyed reading! Take care!

[chopprface]

giggling to myself knowing ive infected a small amount of the beast wars fandom with my dinocharge (depthcharge/dinobot) brainworms so here we go

depthcharge starting out very skeptical of dinobot’s allegiance to the group even despite the other maximals sharing stories with depthcharge on the rare occasion where he decides to socialize with them.

BIG BIG MASSIVE spoilers for both depthcharge and dinobot's arcs coming up, id advise finishing beast wars before diving into this cause otherwise youre going to be so lost. /srs

they’d avoid eachother at first until theyre completely cut off from the rest of the maximals and are forced to work together, similar to the episode where rampage is introduced and blackarachnia and silverbolt start getting closer (possibly replacing them in that episode?). more arguing and less cooperation with each other, but they come out of it with an odd amount of trust in each other now that they’ve gotten out of a tough scenario together.

with the tension between them cleared for the most part, dinobot gets depth charge to open up about his information on rampage, thinking that getting firsthand experiences from someone who oversaw his containment might help them find a weakness to eliminate a major threat like rampage.

depth charge's initial distrust is replaced by a surprising amount of transparency, possibly because he feels he failed his fellow maximals and can no longer relate to them as he let them down on omicron. something about their similar feelings of lacking belonging among the other maximals (at least initially) draws him to dinobot.

both dinobot and depth charge lie in that odd middle ground where they don't feel like they don't belong with the maximals no matter how much their colleagues insist they do, but fight with them regardless. they have their different reasons for fighting, depth charge wanting to take revenge for omicron by killing rampage and dinobot's reasons slowly shifting over time as his priorities and the scope of his goals change. (i could make a whole post purely about dinobots development and goals changing as his arc progresses, alas this is about the both of them so i'll stop here.)

depth charge slowly starts coming to dinobot more and more as their pool of info on rampage expands with new battles with the predacon, though eventually they run into dead ends and reflect about their lives back on cybertron- something barely anyone on the axalon has time to do anymore with megatron growing increasingly aggressive. the two of them develop a very quiet romance together, talking late into the hours of the night. dinobot gets depth charge well and truly out of his cold shell, having allowed him to see through his obsession with rampage to the bots around him who care about him.

a few of the other maximals notice the change, of course. mainly primal, who gets in a comment or two about how depth charge seems to finally be moving on a bit from omicron, with pieces of his personality before rampage came into his life seeming to shine through occasionally.

they'd both be very standoffish about being affectionate around the other maximals, to the point where none of the others are truly aware how close they are. they're both sad old men who bottle everything aside from their anger up, and wouldn't fess up about their own feelings unless it was literally tortured out of them. this is particularly true for depth charge, as in the show he never really goes into detail on omicron, perhaps due to his guilt around being the only survivor.

the events of what depth charge saw on omicron after rampage's massacre were probably supposed to be expanded upon in the show, but depth charge probably didnt have any time dedicated to that because of how late into the show he was introduced. at least, that's how i imagine it to have gone considering other characters like tigerhawk who were nearly cut last minute but made it into the show for toy sales. either way the vagueness of what happened on omicron and how it effects depthcharge is truly up to interpretation by the fandom as i doubt we'll get anything close to an answer any time soon. as i imagine it, and lining up with how the show characterizes him, id like to think his survivors guilt makes it hard to talk about his own thoughts on omicron, though he's regurgitated the events of what happened enough for it to be ingrained in his brain module forever. (maybe ill write a whole ass post about this too who knows)

i think if depth charge had been around much earlier in the series and and had been allowed to build a relationship like this with dinobot in the 90s, code of hero would have made the most gut-wrenching angst ever, especially if rampage had had a much bigger impact on dinobot's death.

depth charge is there to see the only bot who'd gotten him to talk about omicron truthfully die, taking whatever thoughts and memories depth charge had shared with him to the last flicker of his spark without so much as a parting word about what depth charge had meant to him.

rampage- still functioning, of course, can practically see and feel the feast of emotion tearing through to the weakest flickers of the manta ray's spark, even blasted halfway across the valley where dinobot had made his last stand. these feelings were something he hadn't experienced since the first time he'd seen depth charge after omicron.

depth charge, a few cycles after code of hero and still reeling from the loss of dinobot, ends up in battle with rampage, his spark still aching and tinged with grief. Rampage, now the only one to know what dinobot had meant to him, is shamelessly gloating about having killed the *one* bot he'd been able to get close to after omicron, mocking depth charge just to see how it makes him tick.

despite all his anger, he comes back to the maximals seeming no more than merely frustrated at the fact he's yet again failed to kill rampage, though over time he begins to withdraw from the others, totally regressing back to where he had started as an uncooperative mess, utterly obsessed with killing the one person who's taken everything from him. its only when depth charge completely relapses into his obsession that dinobot's impact on him becomes well and truly obvious, but by the time that happens there's little any of them can do to stop him from completely self destructing. only he can do that for himself by killing rampage.

anyway now that i've given you all with a brief glimpse into my sick and twisted doomed yaoi mind i'll leave you with the tags

[flightfoot]

Underrated Miraculous Fic writers

So I read a crapton of miraculous fanfics, and I often end up gravitating towards particular fic writers over and over. Most of the time a lot of other people have clearly noticed the same thing, as their stories tend to get tons of kudos - but not always. Some of the fic writers I read most reliably get very little attention, for one reason or another. Usually because they tend to write for a particular niche that I like but isn't overwhelmingly popular throughout the fandom, but other times I have no idea why their stories aren't more popular.

Anyway, I wanted to spotlight a few of those authors here!

---

Generalluxun (@generalluxun)

If you're a fan of fics that really explore Chloe's character, look into her mindset and try to redeem her without relying on shortcuts or making other characters look worse in comparison, then you've probably at least dabbled in his fics before. I'm especially partial to his newest fic "In Direct Opposition", as Alya's the main POV character and is looking to reform Chloe while navigating this whole akuma situation, and Control, a Senti!Chloe fic where Marinette accidentally stumbles across Chloe's Amok and has to decide what to do with it.

---

linerle (@liiinerle)

Linerle specializes in Marigami fics, with a more general bend towards queer romance. If you like those, then you're in for a real treat! Accidents Are Also Miracles is particularly noteworthy, as it's the single longest completed Marigami-centric fic in the fandom. It's a fantastic story that I highly recommend checking out!

---

BecomingButterflies (@bbutterflies)

They specialize in Adrino fics, so if you want to read some Adrino goodness, their author page is a great place to stop by! I've especially enjoyed "I'll give myself a name (something stupid and pretentious)", where Adrien leaves town after finding out Monarch was Gabriel, and only returns years later, to find that Nino has missed him quite a lot...

---

TrishaCollins (@consistent-chaos-corporation)

Trisha often writes Felix-focused fics, delving into his trauma with being raised by Colt, and him trying to be a better person. Not that it's just introspective pieces, a lot of their fics are pretty action-based with serious stakes and villains who are only too willing to hurt the heroes and innocent bystanders, and even kill them. I'm especially partial to their Madness series, which is a sprawling AU, touching on Felix's and Adrien's childhood, but soon fast-forwarding to the present-day, with Chat Noir and Ladybug confronting Felix about Monarch's Miraculous theft, and him seeing the errors of his ways and helping them. I particularly appreciate how viscerally Felix comes to understand how his actions hurt others, particularly the Kwamis, who he put in a similar position to what he himself had been in with Colt.

---

TheChatatonicOne (@rosie-b)

I love a lot of their fics dearly, they're well-written and scratch just the right itch! They mostly write Lovesquare fics, often with a more angsty bent.

I especially adore their enemies au fics:

Stealing Freedom, where Adrien's long been puppeted about using his ring by his father as Cat Walker, who, thankfully, Ladybug and Co. know is a Senti who has no choice in the matter - with Marinette then discovering that her fiance, Adrien, IS Cat Walker.

home is where the fight is, A short glimpse into a Ladrien enemies au, where Adrien's being controlled by his father into fighting her, but is dating Ladybug as a civilian - and Ladybug's secret identity has just been revealed to the world.

True Blue, Chatatonic's ongoing enemies au which I have recced numerous times, which takes the more unusual (and difficult) approach of having MARINETTE side with Gabriel instead of Adrien, and doing so while keeping her in-character by having Gabriel lean into his manipulation skills, telling her half-truths about how Adrien will be happier once his mother's back, and that ultimately the heroes are the ones being greedy and reticent in all this, and that the akumas all agree to help him, even if they don't remember afterwards. It's among the best Miraculous fics I've read this year so far!

Not that she only writes enemies au of course, she's written many other Lovesquare fics. I particularly enjoyed The Mer-Human Race, in which sailors and merfolk would have friendly competitions on who was faster in the water, with the winner being able to ask for some sort of prize. Marinette had been looking for a merman to race for awhile so that she could be granted a vessel of her own at a younger age than was normally permitted. Luckily, a Merman named Chat Noir showed up suddenly and offered to race her. Pity that her friend Adrien wasn't there to watch it...