#but i wont. i fucking wont. ill seek out that stupid fucking comfort and make myself feel better about how pathetic i am and nothing will

[faggot4faggothour]

ohhh questioning the point of life again .

[l999b]

lol supppppppppp$

hi. i miss u. i know i wasnt your dream girl u know, skinny, beautiful, nice hair, perfect laugh, fit just really good in all, but with those few months i really believed i was enough. and now i miss you so fucking much and i cant do anything about it. u can say u dont love me but i really loved you, and just because u can suddenly admit it doesnt mean i have to pretend that im over it too yknow. but i gotta. i miss you so much. today was really fucking tough. everyone was really sad today but they had someone to seek comfort in. nic w hk, nat w sean, mizah w yihui, nisha w owen, bry and jelli, aini and her class 3 friends, fiq and the y3 seniors. and i just needed someone. and i know im being overdramatic but i just wish i could b w u. all that talk about fmo made me rmb how we started talking and i felt so fucking stupid. like i put myself out there fully bc i thought u felt the same way. and it really hurts that it wasnt what i thought it was. and i really need you. you have been in so much of my swans life and u not being there just added more pain in my heart yknow? and i know youre struggling too. and my heart wants to reach out to you so bad but nic said that struggling and struggling wo me is two diff things. not that it matters bc i dont wna see you in so much pain for whatever reason but yknow. i never once regretted being w u dany but everytime i think about how much youre hurting i just wish like 0.1% in my heart that we never were a thing. then you wouldnt b hurting so much bc i know youre guilty of things w me and i hate that im a reason. bc all i wanted was to make u happy but now im indirectly causing you pain and im so so so sorry. im so sorry you blame yourself and my being a sob of a person doesnt help things but things like these happen and im just being a big baby about it. and i wish u wouldnt b so upset and hard on yourself bc everyone makes mistakes you know? youre not a terrible person and i dont have anything to forgive you for and i wish i could tell you that but im not allowed to anymore. i really hate the way im not supposed to look at someone who means so much to me anymore. im so fucking upset because you cant stand to stay in the same room w me at the same time and im so sorry for making you feel that way. i really dont know whats wrong w me but i hate this so much. and i wish we were never together because my heart feels so heavy and i try to cry it out at night and it just gets heavier and idk what to do. i feel like everyone gets so annoyed when i say i miss you so i cant even say that anymore. i know youre not coming back. and i know what we had wasnt real. but i really wish it was. its been a really lonely long hard week and i really hate acting all cool and happy. its so hard everytime i see you and everything reminds me of you and i cant seem to let you go and i dont know what to do. its been almost 3 months and i know for sure it doesnt take this long to get over someone esp if it wasnt real but i dont know whats wrong w me. i really want to talk to you. i wanna tell u i love u still and i never stopped. but i know it wont be reciprocated. and i know itll hurt more if i say something so ill just keep to myself. i know i always say getting over you was so much easier when i didnt have to see your face everyday, but when intern comes i think im gonna miss you even more and i wont even get to try to see your face anymore. i want you to be happy and id seriously pay for anything to get you to be happy again. in the event that u do find someone who manages to make u happier than ever tho? im so sorry i assumed you were happy. i should have never taken things too far. im so sorry dany. i love you.​

[15001700tt]

Reflections of the Deep Sense of Self

well, i dont really have an audience except for a handful of mutuals and the many porn bots that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how hard i try but i am still gonna use this platform to voice out my thoughts since i have too many of them and i feel like i might drown if i don't talk about them.

i dont necessarily think that i am a person that is easily swayed by men, i was able to emotionally control myself quite effectively in my youth.

my first crush was simply a pick from the crowd to stop my friends nagging about who it was. i just observed the crowd and picked the most likely to not interact with my sort and said "him, he is so cute!" hoping that my friends wouldn't see through my facade. i didn't want to like anyone just because of their looks but I had quite literally not spoken to the male sort in my entire life (not including men I am related to, I was in all girl private school before I moved to America's public system) to develop an interest in them in a romantic or infatuated way even.

now this is just my introduction to my philosophical essay about whether hurt/ mentally ill people are inherently evil but I must admit that this was started because of other reasons. we might not even get to touch on that either, i tend to ramble and not get to the point effectively.

if you followed me long enough you would know that I was talking to a man I might've called Viking. but we do not talk anymore after I made my feelings clear to him.

i feel many things, most of the time, its anger, the other times, confusion, hurt, rejection..etc. but I do not blame him. mostly because, i am quite annoying as a human being.

one of the things i took to as a way to distract me from the pain, was reading. i read so much that it was impossible to feel anything except the emotions that I was told to through a page. but in between books I would have nights where i wouldnt be able to focus on the words, and I would ponder what was it i did wrong, what was it that made him deem me worthless, not worth responding to. and I would come up blank because my self-preservation wont allow me believe that because I made my intentions clear that I was in the wrong to do so when I feIt that our relationship was taking the wrong turn. if I am allowed to call it a relationship, because quite frankly it was a level below a situationship and a level above a friendship. that I was quite sure of.

as I sit here and write after almost two months of silence from his end and mine, because I refuse to be the one to break it. call it pride, call it stubbornness, I was not the one to ghost the other. i refuse to chase after someone who clearly does not want me. but still can't deny that I lay in bed every night at some godforsaken hours of the night wishing, and hoping that he would just take a step towards me. as I had done to him that one Wednesday afternoon in April.

my point is that my interest in men started out of necessity but it has evolved into a yearning of something that seems quite unattainable. i am not attractive by any means, but I am not of the ugliest sort. i have seen people with more weight with worse features than I with partners who could care less about appearances. which to say that my looks shouldn't be any good reason to ghost me. and while I don't necessarily think that my appearance was the reason for the silence I do struggle with the way l look so my insecurities have found a very good home in the found silence from him. i am working on losing weight out of a bet with friends but also out of bitterness but nevertheless, he is a man and if he wont block me than he must see what he is missing out on.

but again, I used to think I would never be that girl. the one who wanted something but she cant have it. which is quite the diabolical because the entirety of the 11 months we talked I had many panic/ anxiety attacks over how our appearances didn't match, our aesthetics weren't compatible, about how I was too ugly for him or too fat for him. but he seemed the sort that was straightforward and didnt waste other peoples times. i guess i was wrong in the sense that he kept me around because he was bored and disposed of me when it got too serious for his liking. i thought i always had the upperhand, that if things ended i wouldnt be too hurt about it and do what i do best, find the next boy to obsess over.

funny enough, he seemed interested. but i cant know for sure. i mightve made it up in my head.

i have a fear, which shouldnt be a fear but it is. remember how i said that my first crush was out of necessity? well that seems to be the case with me from 7th grade to the end of highschool. which is crazy because you would think with all the men i obsess over that i would find men attractive. i think there is a clear line between celebrities and fiction characters from a real person with undeliberate faults and thing you cant control.

i never thought any of my crushes were ugly, they were good looking but they didnt make me feel attracted to them. it didnt help that i was also the type to watch from a far and not the get close and comfortable.

considering this my first person that i liked and held an 11 months conversation/-ship with i think i did very good but that doesnt change that i read too many romantic book and i had a silver of hope.

a silver of hope that maybe i wasnt weird or shitty for not feeling attracted to anyone in my life. that i finally found someone who literally embodied my dream guy and couldnt have been more perfect. if only he was better at communicating.

he says that he is traumatized from long distance relationships, i now understand that it mightve been his fault. he doesnt communicate. in the 11 months we have known each other i know about a handful of things about him while he had me all figured out. except for one thing. he never got my fear of relationships. since i suspect he ghosted me because he thought i would want one. i guess ghosting me seemed like his best option.

i might not be undesireable but i am not anyone's first choice either. usingmedia to distract me from my emotions literally has become my life. i read about 15 hockey romances the weeks after the ghosting. i was already reading regency era adult romances but i couldnt bring myself to finish them because i had spoken to him about them. this decision i will regret because i talked about everything with him. i mentioned this before. quite literally everything reminds me of him. and its quite sad because i cant evn ssay what we had was special. i decided yesterday that he wasnt worth all of this, and i know he isnt. but i am tired. i just want to be dessired and wanted.

i literally stopped reading a book because the male interest did the same thing that he did to me, essentially to the female protag. i cant even pick up the raunchy adult romance.

i didnt let my self feel the extent of my emotions, only in small slivers of despair, or when i am too tired to pretend that his actions didnt affect me.

he was perfect in all ways but one and i was all faults except for one; my immenient need to communicate.

and no one knows, a friend of mine knows, but they dont know everything, i dont want her to get annoyed with me. i was in her place too many times and i refuse to put her through that. and our mutual friends?

hahahahaha the other night i was speaking with S, and he said that the last time he spoke to him, he mentioned me and Viking said 'oh i havent spoken to her in a while' thats it. no explaination no excuse. i dont even know why that infuriated me. i wasnt even worth an explaination in his eyes. S barely found out via vague summary from me. because even though i was/am hurt. i refuse to tarnish his reputation. 'in a while' ????? you mean two months? but then again S couldnt remember the last time he talked to him. but like still?

forget that we were flirting constantly i thought i was friend at least. i deserve more than this. i think. maybe not then.

i want to scream and shout and hit him and cry about why he didnt want me. but i realize thats self depricating. i should never seek validation from a man, i know but it wouldnt fucking hurt fam.

i have so much to say and yet i feel like its already too much. i should keep quiet. thats what people want from me. for someone who is 'boy crazy' i have not stomached going on a dating app, or boy watching in public because it physically hurts. for gods sake i cant even read fanfiction or just READ because of it. any sight of anything merely romantic makes me want to yell. i am tired and i want to turn everything off. including my stupid rat brain that only seems to be attracted to assholes.

but the same fucking stupid brain cant help but hope that is our enemies to lovers story. one day... god i hope one day...

[dollwithnoname]

The ask meme: ALL OF THEM

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR OCS: ALARIC

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do? Not very long, Alaric needs to be productive or he’ll die inside.

How easy is it for your character to laugh? He laughs at everything, even things that aren’t supposed to be funny. his sense of humour is brOKEN like him.

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?) He likes to read, but most of the time he struggles to sleep, so he just wanders around his house doing stupid stuff.

How easy is it to earn their trust? HARD. Not only do you have to gain his trust… You have to gain the trust of his followers too.

How easy is it to earn their mistrust? Very easy, Alaric only trusts a few (extremely loyal) people. He hates liars.

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable? He does what he wants to be honest, mainly because “I am a deity so I can get away with anything.”

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling? Old photos, especially of himself and his father. Alaric has changed a lot in his appearance over the past years.

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child? ‘Ric was told to listen and do his work more and to procrastinate less.

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word? He swears often. He probably remembers his first swear word, he has good memory (he stubbed his toe on a coffee table and said “Fuck my life”).

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them? Alaric lies a lot, but he thinks it is necessary for some most situations - especially to gain people’s trust. It does not haunt him.

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)? He can get confused and disorientated very easily, but he mainly just goes along with things because he doesn’t want to burden anyone (but he might ask someone he trusts for an explanation is he deems it necessary).

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach? HECK, he probably rubs against a tree or something (or asks someone to scratch it for him… but that depends WHERE the itch is… Hnnn, ya nasty.)

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color? RED all day every day. Yeah, he does (black is good too).

What animal do they fear most? Sharks probably… “So many teeth!”

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first? He always plans everything, he needs to rehearse everything in his mind to avoid making a Freudian slip of the tongue.

What makes their stomach turn? He doesn’t like eggs (ayy like me).

Are they easily embarrassed? Yes, very. 

What embarrasses them? Alaric feels embarrassed if people are being TOO kind to him (such as opening a door for him). He is also embarrassed by general awkward things too.

What is their favorite number? 24.

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so? “Romantic love is when you adore someone so much that you cannot bear them being being in a relationship with someone else - you want to start a family with them and stay together until death (perhaps in the afterlife too). Familial love is when you love someone like you would a sibling or a parent, and you consider each other as such - you might want to spend the rest of your life with these people too, but for different reasons you would for a lover.”

Why do they get up in the morning? He has a LOUD alarm clock which he ignores for about 20 minutes (which disturbs his neighbours) and then he eventually rolls out of his bed.

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? Alaric is likely to become possessive because “I can’t lose you the same way I lose everything else!” And he knows this is bad, but doesn’t know how to stop.

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? He can become resentful, but doesn’t show it. Alaric has a relaxed and composed facade… But he has probably stolen something before.

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? Only to the person he is having an intimate relationship with (but he still feels awkward speaking about it nonetheless).

What are their thoughts on marriage? He likes the concept and would like to get married someday - to a specific person.

What is their preferred mode of transportation? “Trains are cool.”

What causes them to feel dread? When he realises he has been lied to, abandoned by a close friend, or remembers something he is uncomfortable with.

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? An unpleasant truth. Always. Please don’t lie to him.

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? Yessss.

Who do they most regret meeting? Amadeus, because he is jealous of him, and as a result, is resentful towards him.

Who are they the most glad to have met? Demios, for many reasons.

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? Probably a knock-knock joke, since he tries hard to fit in.

Could they be considered lazy? YES.

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? Depends on his mood and the situation. Sometimes he can be really heartless - mainly towards someone he despises, but other times he will cry for someone else’s misfortune. He can do a lot of things without feeling guilt, and other times he can feel guilty over doing the smallest things.

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? ‘Ric is very supportive and will listen to everything they say. He will smile warmly at them.

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap? Alaric used to wait for it to fall into his lap, but then he met a certain someone…  Now he actively seeks romance.

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? He writes their names down on a piece of paper and tries to think of an anagram to go with them.

What memory do they revisit the most often? Probably one with his father; specifically them playing a board games together (they were very competitive).

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? Easy, he doesn’t actively seek to offend people. He likes to embrace flaws (but not his own).

How sensitive are they to their own flaws? Very, but he wont admit it. He just tries to accept it and move on, but has a lot of inner turmoil and self-loathing inside his mind.

How do they feel about children? Alaric likes children, but can feel annoyed by the rude, loud ones. He would like to have a kid in the future.

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? Very badly. He doesn’t care what he has to do to achieve it.

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? “I’m pretty hella gay.”

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS: MOI

A) Why are you excited about this character? Because he is my son.B) What inspired you to create them? I have no idea? I was thinking of creating a God, and he eventually jumped out of the void…C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story? Not really, I had a plan for a role for a specific character to play, the trouble mainly was his character design.D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look? I changed him multiple times. He has lost pigment in his hair and skin due to a disease he inherited from his deceased father (which makes him feel depressed and nostalgic). But I decided to give him darker skin so he would appear ethnic - since I want there to be more racial diversity in the cast (his hair is still white though - only due to the illness).E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you? I hope so? I don’t want to get on his bad side.F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)? Pride and excitement because I love him.G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most? His ignorance and wrath on anyone who ‘wrongs’ him.H) What trait do you admire most? His leadership skills and how kind he can be in certain situations.I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe? Yep.J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character? Not really…? I did change the roles of characters to fit in with his, since he was one of the first characters I made.

Ask meme

[ohhhhmyblog]

#StoryTimeWithMy - Me & #HurtBae handle things differently...clearly.

Ok... So I was with him over 3 years at this point. But in recent times, we had had multiple convos about not being together for various reasons...but there was still that lingering love. You know? Where you still speak everyday, still hang out, are still intimate, etc... Still...to the point where one week prior to this "incident" we did a little day trip where we took Teagan out to eat and to Liberty Science Center. You know, regular shit...

So on this day, I spoke with him a couple times throughout the day. I let him know I had made plans in his area later and we agreed to just hang out until my girl got off work. Soooo.... I go.

I get to his house and everything's regular... drinks, music, his friends, their girlfriends...typical weekend night at his place.

Then the bell rings, he goes to open it, and a woman comes in. I don't think anything of it at all...at first. Then I notice all of his friends get weirdly silent (completely out of character for this bunch). The woman is totally comfortable. She goes into the fridge for something, takes a charger out of the wall and heads toward his bedroom. She's out of sight for about a minute and I decide to go follow her.

And there she is...sitting on his bed, phone plugged in the wall, just scrolling through her phone...super comfortable. I do the only thing there is to do... "Oh hi...I'm MyAsia. Who are you? I'm *insert name i dont remember because it didn't matter*. Oh. You're here for *him*? How do you know him...because you clearly KNOW him? I've known him for years." She starts to look worried. She's catching on... (lol, funny now...wasn't funny then)

I go back into the living room. I approach him. I just stare at him. He gives me this look like "Fuck!" but tries to play like he's confused. "What?" he says., I just stare at him...

In that moment, I am trying soooooo hard not to burst into tears because...y'all...she was comfortable there. She wasn't new. She knew where the outlets were in his bedroom. She didn't require an introduction to his friends. She was comfortable enough to go in the fridge.

"Who is she? Why is she here?" He just stares at me with the goofiest "I have fucked up" face. She walks into the living room. It's now awkward af. I. LOSE. IT. I have so many questions and I'm asking them all...in front of everyone...at max volume...without one single fuck to give. Not. One.

His friends start to head to the door. The gf of one his boys stays behind and attempts to get me to relax. Nope. I'm on one. Then something in my head is like "MyAsia, you are making a fool of yourself. You are flipping your shit and he isn't even reacting." He is still in the same spot...looking dumb.

The woman gets her things to leave. I start to leave too. He follows. (I think he thought we would get into something...but no, my issue was never with her.) But in that moment, I interpreted that as him wanting to save her from me. I started swinging. You know when you swing as you talk? Why👊would👊you👊do👊this👊to👊me? Why👊have👊her👊come👊here👊when👊you👊knew👊I'd👊be👊here? He gives me this "I didnt know she was coming" bs...which only pissed me off even more. Now I know she's comfortable just popping up here? Ok.

I start bawling. I am sooo hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I had placed him on this pedestal...because in my mind, he would never be "this guy". I attempt to storm out. He stops me. Now he has answers. Now he wants to explain. He wants to tell me that "we broke up already". He wants to tell me "we already decided not to be together". He wants me to believe she just came around in the last couple weeks...this woman who goes in his fridge, knows his friends, comes over unannounced and knows where the outlets are in his bedroom... I. Can. Not. Stop. Crying. I want to...because I feel weak and stupid...but I can't.

I snatch away from him and leave. I can't leave. I have an excruciating headache suddenly. I can't see thru the tears. I was a wreck...smh. I get in the car, drive one block up and park. I call the friend I was suppose to link up with after she got off. I am hysterical. She can't understand me. My phone beeps. There's another call coming in. It's his friend's gf from back at the house. She wants to know where I am. I tell her and click back over. I give a short, prob super inaccurate version of what just happened. At this point, he is Satan to me...so I can only imagine what I said.

Anyway, I tell her where I am and hang up. I am legit hysterical. My head is hurting. I am angry. I am hurt. This woman wasn't new. This woman was comfortable y'all. When he reacted to this whole "incident", he considered her. I saw it. It was too much. I sat in my car just shaking...trying to talk myself out of setting his house on fire. Seriously... The ONLY thing that stopped me was knowing that children lived in the unit above him...the children who stomp around and make so much more on those weekend mornings when he and I just wanted to sleep in. Those loud ass children kept me from making a super irrational decision that night.

I'm startled by a knock on my window. It's his friend's gf. She tells me to unlock the door. She gets in the passenger seat and just sits there, silently. I'm still crying. I can't make it stop. My head is racing. Then the other friend shows up. She gets in the car. We just sit there for a minute. Then my friend who missed the whole thing says "what the hell happened?"... I tell her...and finish with "My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I need a drink."

We all get in her car andride around North Newark looking for a bar. It's dark. It's late. Everything is closed. Then we see this little corner bar that seems to be open. We get out. We go in. There are all Hispanic men over 50 in this bar, y'all. I didn't care. They had liquor...lol I had shots and cocktails with these 2 til the bar was closed. I spilled my little heart out in there...to 2 women who weren't even THAT close to me...but in that moment I appreciated them. They let me vent and talked me down...well kinda... ...Because now, I'm angry AND upset AND still feeling stupid...and I've spent the last hour drinking continuously...

I decide I am going back to his house. They try to talk me out of it...but nah, I'm going back. I call his phone. He answers immediately. I tell him I'm coming back and he needs to be there and alone. I promise you in my head I was going back to that house to hurt him. I considered killing him...in real life. I thought of how I'd do it, how I could get away with it, how it'd make his mom and sister feel, how I'd explain it to Teagan...all that. SMH

We leave the bar and head back to his house. They wont let me go in alone. I ring the bell. He comes to the door. In that moment...something happened to me that I cant and wont ever be able to explain. In that moment, I needed him. So many times before I he had been the ONLY person to see me through bs and tough times. This time was no different. In that moment, I was searching for and anticipating comfort and consolation...from the very person who had just hurt me. SMH Why was I like that?!

I start yelling, crying and carrying on...and he tries to hold me. I'm fighting him...I want him not to touch me and I want him to hold me tighter...at the same... damn...time. Y'all... I was all messed up.

We go inside and he's giving me the same story and I'm so over hearing it. I zone out and I'm just wondering why I'm back at his house...seeking solace in the same man who had upset me in the first place. I got angry. I was back and forth between literally throwing blows and falling into his chest crying asking him why. The whole time my head is KILLING me.

Suddenly it's silent. For a while there's just me doing that "I just finished crying", sniffling thing lol Then he takes my jacket off of me, lays me down in his bed, takes my shoes off and just cuddles up next to me. He says he's sorry and that he never meant to hurt me like this and this isn't how he ever thought this would go. I fell asleep...in the arms of the same mf who I had just thrown jabs at...the same mf I seriously considered killing just hours before. I woke up the next morning and left silently.

I was violently ill for days. I learned then just how real "mind over matter" is. I had literally gotten physically SICK...because of mental and emotional pain. I also learned that you can not ever view someone the same after heartbreak. I learned that anyone is capable of anything and pedestals are for trophies, not people. I learned that everyone is just moments of hurt & anger away from a Snapped episode so I don't judge.

Fast forward to present time...fast forward pass months of personal growth and experience...fast forward pass a bunch of laughs and tough convos between us over the years... This guy is still one of the closest ppl to me. I still love him to death. I currently consider him a friend of mine. I just know I can't ever look at him THAT way again...and that's ok.

That #HurtBae video struck a nerve with me. No one is above being hurt. But when you're in a situation that is emotionally and mentally draining, get the hell out of it!

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this was a really confusing shitty moment for me in my life, to be honest. 

i feel kind of vindicated but i dont? it’s really hard to seperate some of what he’s saying and maybe its just really hard to accept “it is what it is”. 

i dont feel like he loves me but i have the freedom to “feel like” he loves me while finding someone who does actually. like - no. i mean. i dont know. i dont know. i guess none of it matters. but it does because i now have this person in my life but like do i have this person in my life? to what capacity? am i allowed to have friends i see everyday? what are they to me? 

should i just go to work and come home and ignore all of it. 

i guess the whole thing is to stop questioning it and just let it be what it is but i dont know i dont get it. 

i guess also right now especially for the past 6 months ive been doing nothing. and my friend tried to kind of praise me for all these little accomplishments and it’s so trivial and what shoul i believe you know is my brain chemistry this way did trauma scar how i’d function an i have to work to train it differently? 

i’ve literally not cared at all and kind of depended on him to give me a purpose which is unhealthy but when you put really high stakes like a persons will to live then you kind of feel the need to stick around. 

not that that summarizes why he would have me in his life but it’s an added stresser to being in someones life. 

he’s leaving though. he’s just leaving. i wont be going with him. he said, “well you said you’d follow me and i want you in my life. you can do what you want.” i asked, “how can i possibly follow you? like i’m a seperate entity just following you around. we’ve never explained the logistics of when i’d have any opportunity to be apart of your future” 

to which he replied, “we’ll always be seperate entities. but i don’t want to feel like i’m dragging you with me or being weighed down in a responibility for you.”

i “get it”. i couldn’t explain like - would i travel in the same fucking vehicle as you? or am i just responsible for getting myself place to place? like this is something i would be willing to commit myself to because not a lot of people would want to do someting like this or dedicate themselves to it and i’ve lived an unconventional life by the means of other people and i think it’s fair to be able to choose to live one by the means of myself. 

no matter what, i have to improve myself though. but i guess if i thought i was “leaving” i would take different steps in my self improvement to prepare for a different journey in the long term. 

i spent two years kind of on that precipice. self improvement can happen at all stages in life in many ways and when you can see the journey you’re going to take, you can prepare. 

i know that if i continued to be in his life in any way while trying to better my life, it would be detrimental to the process because once he leaves on his “i dont know what i’m doing with my life journey” i’m probably never going to talk to him again simply out of spite and complete disinterest. like i know i will be so internally hurt that i will choose to just never talk to him again. i would never talk to my oshawa ex again. like if he tried to talk to me and tell me about his life which we already tried to do - i dont care. i literally just dont care. why the fuck do i care getting random ass phone calls or texts from you about your life? you are not like some long term friend. okay to ME i would choose not to be long term friends. 

why? because i never got what i wanted or needed from that person for whatever reason we stopped our initial closeness for so why should i maintain an interest in their life?

if he leaves with no care of how i’d logistically be in his life if i chose to follow him i would not have gotten what i wanted and needed from this relationship.

can i get that or should i just let it go? i guess i’m really at a “should i stay or go now” situation. will staying result in the same thing as the going now result but just taking a longer time to get there? or will i eventually communicate something to him that shows that i want to make an effort. 

i feel stubborn. i feel like i know exactly what to do and how to do it and if i “wanted to” i could probably stop a majority of these really lazy and fruitless wasted efforts of “life” things. like just laying around. i can’t prove that to him without making an effort to actually do that in a significant way but if i move the mountains of my depression to make an effort that still leads to the same outcome because i was never logistically accounted for even as a guest so any effort i made would never lead me to be prepared. 

like what if i just got rid of all my things? gave up the cats? worked my ass off and saved every penny for two months? but i’m just ... left here. then i’d had mde these “life improvements” to no greater gain but like.. momentary satisfaction which leads to just replacing my shit with money i saved and regretting the fate of my cats because i’m super lonely. 

what if i keep the cats, slowly work on getting a little part time job, “go to yoga” - what do i get from his support of me doing this in that moment when it eventually leads to the same result whre i’m left behind and i get phone calls and pictures and messages about what he’s doing and i have to pretend like i care when i was just left behind without any real care but i have a job and i “go to yoga” so my life is “improved” and i guess makes it all the more easier to not give a damn about something thats so obviously unhealthy to begin with. how can i be in his life? 

i guess it’s kind of funny. maybe i was projecting my own feelings on to him and i guess it’s not something we regularly consider to be in my thought capacity but like, does he think i would care about him in this scenario? i don’t give a fuck what my distant ass relatives are doing with their time. that’s like a brief phone call every two years for me. 

i think i was really mentally unprepared to enter this situation tonight. i also think i was thrown for a curveball because i had negative expectations which didn’t play out like i thought it would and in some ways it was kind of positive. but because i was mentally unprepared i reacted in the way i would react in any overwhelming scenario - it’s panic and sobbing. i guess since i have more questions that this could conceivably extend to a second part of hanging out. but like i cant ask can i come along ill do this and this without presenting the proof of even the ability to produce anything on that level. i’m literally just saying believe in me, i can do this. like”give me a shot on the field coach, i’m ready”. i suppose i can ask outright can i come with you because i think the phrasing “ill follow you” is too vague. 

all of this says i still want to be with him and right now in these really overwhelmingly stressful times i have literally no idea why i woul an can’t even recall anything of merit he did that dictates that i should “follow” this man anywhere. 

you know, regardless, i need to “get a job”. there is “nothing wrong with��� getting a job. im literally just putting air quotes because i’m upset it “leads to nothing” but really it is a postiive to just get a job even if i dint give a shit about the money. but the i’d also have money. and my life would improve. 

is it unhealthy to talk to him to help make myself more comfortable for a second in person meeting where i can pose such questions? i mean i cant ATLEAST be a sobbing mess. the question is difficult enough to pose. 

is this even a thing i want to do to make myself happy? just essentially follow this person’s whims as they try to rediscover themselves? it’s romantic and adventerous and stupid an crazy and i guess it makes me feel like if i cant conjure this up in myself because i just dont have the passion towards the multitue of experiences in life and wouldn’t seek them out myself then maybe i can follow someone else? 

i do love him, a lot. it’s really hard to cut off communication with him; i want to talk to him. i want to explore my newfound freedom of communication with him. like i feel more comfortable now that i’ve sai what i wanted to say. like i think it was the worst of all i could say. and i am now an embarassing sobbing gross mess so like where can i go from here. 

it’s really hard to just focus on myself. i know how to be alone but i dont know how to love myself. i think im a heavily flawed person both inside and out and i think alot of my behavior does badly effect the people i’m aroun and it can become like a chain reaction where it effects one person and then everyone close to them. but im stuck in a loop - i hate myself too much to “help myself”. to put in the effort i need to do to make my life better. i was not just programmed to hate myself but i began to loathe the behviors i coul see that were programmed by them so the hatred grew stronger. 

that hatred is now the core definition of my character and when i interact with anyone or anything or try to do anything, this character takes over and with blatant disregard fucks my own attempts at doing better. but it’s still me. i still have to reprogram these behaviors that come from such deep hatred of myself. an theyre so large and so deep - i dont care about how i live or how i’m going to eat or feed myself or what quality of food i eat, i dont care about keeping up my own personal hygiene, i dont care about the fact i put up with completely out of the norm situations by living here, i dont care about any prior interests nor do i care about building new ones. i watch endless amount of “informative” programs as if that’s somehow better. like it justifies me spending like.. most of my waking hours doing this. its “educational”. 

i essentally live like a crackhead and i dont even do hard drugs. there is a reason i am here and i could very well have him apart of my life to better fulfill the level of self hatred i have to put myself through something i wouldnt have to experience with someone else. i want to feel like shit. i put salt in the wounds. i poke the bear. i make the wrong moves to get the wrong reactions so i can continue the cycle. 

how can i improve? do i live in the now or do i plan for a “better tomorrow”? i mean - i guess as a human i just have that choice and it’s whatever works for me. maybe i can choose what kind of person i want to be. do i want to be a live in the now person or a better tomorrow one? is living in the now compulsive behavior? is planning making me better prepared or rigid/comfortable in routine? maybe it puts restrictions on the expecations of myself? like i feel especially shit so i plan for low energy things when i had the ability to achieve more? it’s like why do the work when i’ve already planned the “easy way out”. it could take a bit of both but whats the right balance? 

i want to say like i’ll do this and this tomorrow but maybe it’ll lock me in and i wont want to do that but i couldve done something else but instead i’m bummed i dont feel like tackling those tasks today.maybe it’s just a general knowlege of things that could be done in any moments. 

when i was a kid i dropped 50lbs because i was tired of being fat and put myself on a strict but okay diet. like i still got decent nutrition but i was just tired of being fat from overeating and i just ecided to stop and i did. this is one of the crowning moments in my battle against self hatred. now its used once again in my self hatred but on the opposite spectrum.i have a lot of battles to face and some of them ill hve to face multiple times before i beat them. 

it’s really an odd feeling to have to forcefully make myself accept that i’m going to do better than this while kind of begrudging the idea. like i have no false hope that people tend to have when theyre like ‘oh im starting this diet im really excited about it’.i’m not excited about the prospect of facing these battles because my self hatred’s uphill battle (instead of the disgusting collapse of everything you are) of “self love” is filled wit humiliation. could be another battle i have to overcome but i’ve already faced enough humilation for the year. ill still do it but im sad it will become a lingering cloud. 

i guess the one thing i can do in planning for a better tomorrow is to only allow myself so much time to think about the relationship stuff. or lack there of. or maybe its there. i dont know. whatever it was/is we parted ways with a hug and i love you so no matter how much time i take to think about anything, it’s open for me to have a positive experience with him. it’s going to be beneficial in all ways to break the habit of thinking about him or anything “we” could do together. we loved eachother and the overwhelming feeling is that no matter how mch time i spend thinking about it or asking questions its probably not going to work out. sometimes that happens. the sooner i put it ou of my mind, the sooner i can just get over it and move on to the next era of my life with new/different people. i was already doing that in some ways before i stepped into all this. 

i guess i feel weird as well because he offered to pay for a month of yoga classes. i dont think that gives me the drive to go to it. i ca definitely see myself not going just because its cold. i can also see myself hating the people who attend a yoga class and choos to be involved in the community surrounding yoga. it’s not really my type of vibe. but if i turn down that; which coulve been as simple as going to a yoga class, then i should probably produce something on level. but maybe it was a way to get me involved in his positive activity so we could manage positive experiences together. to prove i could come through. 

i am ready to interact with people i’m just not ready to have that sort of interaction. the weirdness of group stretching. i think it’s okay if yoga is a private practice i dont pay for. 

lets not forget i taught myself how to draw and entered a community i knew no one in a few years ago. i had the initiative once before. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

"you know, its a good thing. honestly, its good that you see your value even if you dont see it in other places atleast youre seeing it in your intimate relationship. like this is a difference in you - no one prompted this. i didnt say anything to you. i dont think anyone else said anything. you just thought about it and decided on it. thats a really good thing" thank you, friend. because this is a really valid point that makes all the difference and i might not have seen that. for the first time, honestly, im not crazy. like im not questioning my belief as crazy or delusional. i know i dont like this and therefore its wrong. its not 'is this okay' - its not. and now im fed up. and i became quietly fed up. like i just sat on it and sat on it and never spoke about it to anyone. i dont ponder these thougbts with people. i just drive myself crazy thinking about it. because i know it doesnt matter now. i used to think it matter. i used to think that maybe someone knew more or better than i did. maybe i was just sooo dumb and useless that i dont "get it". so i fell in line to what others thought was best. whatever they said, i did. and i would try to seek a certain approval of my own ways so that i could justify believing other people knowing they really didnt know any better than i do. its a really fucked uo pattern thats like just shitty low self esteem. but heres the thing - i gained so much from him. like he completely changed my world view. not who i am but my world view and he gave me, honest to god, the path into humanity. like i also justified my own weakness of not taking more initiative to understand people and thus not feel abhorred by them and continue my cycle of low self esteem. seeing him be the person he is - not because hes great. hes not fucking great. he is legit not great at all. hes not "the best". hes like.. pretty good. okay on a regular basis. but he has a very unique personality and self awareness that mirrors my own in some ways and seeing it play out as an outsider and learning to love this person has allowed me to gain more love for myself. he is weird as shit. hes so fucking weird. i will almost hope to never meet someone as weird as him again because i dont like the odds of humanity turning out someone so weird and not being harmful in some way. but he is confidently weird. and i feel like he might not even be weird at all - hes transparent. hes totally see thriugh and humans are closed off and private and secluded but he speaks free on everything. everything. i have not met a single person like him before and slowly in my own social life away from him ive gained confidence to just be me. like more me than ive been before in an open and honest way. like just speaking freely and backing up what i believe and allowing the world to just be around me. and as people just let me fjcking be - just let me exist as the shitty person i am, each day ive gotten better. ljke im talking sitting on a couch all day no shower not eating chain smoking to getting up and going out to see people and cleaning my house and showering and eating. he didnt do this for me at all but knowing him allowed me o be free enough to discover my own way. like im starting to feel like the bum ive been for a long time but more in like a wow im pretty fed up with myself even. like damnnn. maybe im starting to wake up. maybe the fucking drugs are working and im like well im good so fuck the drugs like all naive assholes. but i dont know. i guess well find out on this awesome rollercoaster of my life. but i feel like im starting to wake back into life. ljke i was dead already, ive been dead and life is moving aeound me and i am a poltergeist . he knew it all along. im just a ghost haunting him. im already dead. but im not really. i have the ability to resurrect and i think i should be grateful that i can. im close to not being able to but i can. so like.. i said it. i said it but not to him but to him and he would know. like i always remember how he freaked out and posted about his ex owing him money multiole times in a row on facebook. he felt super justified in it and never back tracked. and listen - this is already wrong. were on two wrongs. of course its stupid to post anything like that on facebook. but he felt free enough to do it and i want to enjoy that same freedom without worry as well. he kept and keeps repeating that certain things are a waste of his time. and thats suuuuuuper funny to me. like on a shitty i dont even give a fuck anymore level. you know whats a waste of time? A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT REASON. holy fuck. nine months of just... WHAT EVEN IS THIS. HELLO. fuck me, im just like a girl who goes around his place and watches him play video games and sleeps at his house and smokes his weed. thats it. im not even his girlfriend honestly. like that describes exactlt our relarionship because he does nothing for me on a regular basis. nothing at all. so i spend a large portion of my time with a guy who DOESNT EVEN GIVE A FUCK and you want to talk about a waste of fucking time? "its not even that serious of a thing" then you dont even know. you dont even know. but you wouldnt. thats what ill have to work on. he wouldnt know anything about this because i dont talk about it. i mean, if im asked, im bluntly honest about it but i dont talk about it to him or anyone. so he wouldnt think it wasnt "serious". its about texting. its about "spending time together" its about whatever but its about THIS POINTLESS ASS ASSOCIATION WITH HIM. who the fuck are you to my life? like i cant even say hes my friend. i cant say hes my boyfriend. i settled into "the guy im seeing". becahse i dont know how important he should be to give him a fucking name in my story. are you a main character or secondary? and if youre the latter why the fuck you enjoying the benefits of a main? but again - repetition. i cleared this blog out of the earliest entries and you know what? they were all "what the fuck is this". nine months of what the fuck is this. i guess im done being romantic and being like all dreamy about this rogue guy having a life with me. now im like weve been fucking for nine months and created nothing but awkward conversarion between each other. heres the thing. i knew i was desperate. i knew that i pressed hard on fuckboy becahse i was desperste to return to confort and stability of a relationship and living together. i knew that. ive been sooooo careful and sooo insecure about seeming that way again. this may have been one of the first adult ways i went about doing something and im just... NINE MONTHS. holy fuck dude. how casual is nine months. you shouldve left four to five months ago and were still fucking. like he doesnt know what i want in life. like he honest to god thinks im just chilling and living wjthout cause. my god. im fucking old. im sorry. ill be 37 and laugh at myself now but im comfortable with the fact at 27 i realized i wanted true love. i wanted familial love. i wanted a partner in life. more than sex, more than a convinience or simple comfort. more than money, more than drugs. im not looking for a reason to change but i would accept one if it gave me things that were of higher priority and emotionally rewarding to my being. like why should i stop smoking weed when its one of the few things i legitmatelt enjoy? why should i stop smoking at all? why should i work my ass off at a full time job to come home to mt cats? this relationship gives me no purpose. a close intimate relarionshio jn my life gives me no purpose, no reason to get up in the morning other than seeing their face. which is ljke seeing a poster on tbe wall or hearing your fav song. its like an empty enjoyment that fades pretty quick because it gives you nothing deep. i guess im sad that this is life. like im not going to put that on him. i did that with an ex already. like its his fault life has these turns and people chanve and do things and become things. its no ones fault its just a depressing fact everyone lives with. people just come and go and in the end itll be me on my couch typing on a broken phone and smoking weed with my cats. im not depressed. like not anymore than i would be. and whats crazy is i was sober and pissed and got high and continued to be just as pissed because i cant even smoke away the anxious uncertainty. its not about fucking texting. its not a waste of time, youve just made it a waste of time. i didnt go to a party that i was onvited to today. i had a ride too. but ljke.. i knew that id be focused on this and be distracted and burnt out and wnting to go home. i was already on the fence about it anyways. i knew there would be hard drugs there and people drinking and honestly, im better than that now. i really am. i can hang out with these people but i dont need to party with them. its really okay. they can do what they like at their parties and as long as im not putting myself into it, i dont have to care. so its okay. im playing on it more that i didnt go out of anger. its really for the best. i told him i would be coming to get my keys tomorrow in the morning. and like.. i want to. and maybe ill wake uo feeling totally different but in my tired stoned state at 2am i feele more like maybe i wont. like it is important to me. and now that ive made a big deal out of it, i probably should. but like.. thats not really my point. i sent him this... kind of sassy message that basically implied that he was careless for not trying to get my keys to me when hes acting like a jerk and that he wouldnt even know about any of my issues for wanting the keys because he doesnt even know what ive done this week besides fucking laundry at his house because he definitelt hasnt given a shit enough about me to ask at all. like how are you smothered by someone you dont really know about. like youre literally not involved in my life unless i tell you one tidbit of it. like i dont talk to him. ive completely huddled uo in myself now. and i kind of wanted to see if i was deljsional and kept track if he asked me about myself. he never did. NOT ONE TIME. like thats why im stuck on it. how can you feel so overwhelmed as if im literally just peckinf at you lkke an annoying bird or something and you dont see me, speak to me or know anythinf about me. ljke he acts as though im just sending him shit over and over and consrantlt barraging him and im not. at all. the onlt way i could would be by sending one word messages. so this is very delusional on his part and other people would have no problem receiving a message from me. but the keys. id rather just not show up. just remain quiet for the day. but i have no weed and nothing else to do so im not sure what else i would do. i dont even know if that means anything either. ljke oo give me my keys and then i dont even show up for them. who cares, he still gets what he wants. like fuck me lets just end this. its been ruined. it takes both of us to untangle this mess and hes not doing his part so its just ruined. in my head not going to get my keys is like, "oh wow how unlike her to not follow through with something like this i wonder why she didnt come and what shes doing instead" but like its probablt more, "lol dumb bitch cries about keys and doesnt even get them" but at like 9pm at night when he finally realizes i never got them. i legit dont think he cares. its a waste of my time to try and think like ~why is he doing this. i dont care. theres nothing ive done to deserve this and to have no fucking point to now arguing about the ability to hang out? fuck off. ive deserved more. like i deserved a reply to my request for keys. just like a "youre right you can get the keys x" even if im penaljzed for not getting them when i was doing laundry -fine. but lkke.. reply to my fucking message. im not asking some inane bullshit. im asking abiut shit i fucking own outright. i deserve a god damn response when he wastes my fucking time calling about shit HE OWNS in his own fjcking house. like my god. theyre fucking keys. appease me even. laugh at it and tell me theyre in your mailbox. like holy shit, its not even hard to be a dick about that and you sit on no response? its not even a malicious thing. ive explained it even to his mother that its safety now. and hes rrying to impede my fucking safety. like go be you. be you all damn day but you being you doesnt include me so give me back my fucking keys. no one is arguing the being you part. no one is impeding or invading the ability to be you. but being an asshole about it - choosing to ignore it, thats impeding me being me. and i can be me as much as you can be you and i guess im sorry these are rhe consequences. like i try to even think of a reason why hes avoided my mentions of it. like why? you know what i want. what reason do you need to hold on to keys you never even use? what do you think im doing? ljke.. is it ljke im trying to clean up before offing myself? do i have a secret lover im movinf in and need keys for? am i offending his sejbilities of being my care giver by telling him hes not doing a good job? like he was offended by the thought that me saying or being in a huff about him not driving me somewhere meant that he didnt do anything or was being a bad boyfriend. so is this like in his mind some big insult to him and hes not even going to respond to it. like its just soo ridiculous to him hes just going to ignore it? simple fucking quesrion. so fucking simple. but hours of waiting. hours and hours. its 3 now and i want to say ill still be mad but i probably wont be mad enoufb to walk to his house. i want to be. but i guess i just need some depression days rifht now. i am doing good. and im still doing good and feeling down about these things is okay.