#but i won't be able to work well tomorrow if i stay up super late tending to a mattress i can't even sleep on tonight

[that-was-anticlimactic]

just accidentally spilled an entire water bottle on my bed :)

took my sheets off and put a towel over it. then looked up what to do just in case and. like everything said "use a fan" and "mold could happen so be careful" and now i am Terrified of getting mold since so much spilled and since i don't have any fans. i am so tired oh my god i just want to go to bed

[luveline]

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐨𝐧

Steve doesn't really like the holidays, but he likes you. So, he makes some concessions. Rainbow lit, tinsel-covered, pine tree-smelling concessions.

6k words, christmas centric, fem!reader who celebrates christmas, mutual pining, gingerbread houses, mistletoe, ugly sweaters, friends to lovers, idiots in love, allusions to s4.

❆

Steve hates Christmas. He doesn't want to get into it and he won't, not when you love it the way that you do — quietly, and yet every movement hints at your excitement. 

Your hands are basically shaking when he lugs the new box onto the desk. It's adorable. 

"Thank you for doing this," you say, meeting his eyes and sending him one of your too-nice smiles. Kind that makes him nervous and sick and excited all at once. 

"I don't know why you're so eager. They're the same cheese-fests this year as last year," he says.

You lean over the counter enough for him to smell your perfume. "That's not true. You said you have The Christmas Star, right?" 

"Ten whole copies." 

He pulls open the cardboard box and digs for your desired tape. The case is cardstock and crisp with newness, and it squeaks as he pulls it up and displays it against his chest. 

You beam. "Yes. How much? Expensive 'cos it's new?" 

"Not with the employee discount," he says, placing the tape down neatly. 

Your smile turns shy. Steve has always thought you were pretty, in the same way he thinks that grass is green and stars shine at night, but lately you've turned to a sweetness that has his teeth aching if he thinks about it, all manner of terrible emotions flooding his idiot brain. Jealousy, protectiveness, and — he shudders — affection. Even now he's tempted to round the desk and make up an excuse to touch your arms, or your hands. Your face. 

"Thanks, Steve," you say softly. 

"Of course. There has to be one pro to working in this dump, right?" 

"Is it a dump? It looks super clean." 

He hesitates. "We had to fix it up. Holiday decorations are coming in tomorrow." 

"Make that today!" 

You both turn to see Robin struggling out of the back room, two boxes held in her arms and hiding her face. She stumbles to the desk and Steve leaps to help her, unveiling her grinning face. There's a meanness to her eyes that Steve abores. 

"Well, yesterday. Keith says they got here last night, which means today is officially the first day of Family Video Christmas." 

"It's November," Steve says, narrowing his eyes. 

"Thirty first!"

Robin pries open one of the huge boxes and thrusts both hands in unafraid, pulling out streams of green and silver tinsel like festive innards. Her eyebrows jump up. "Nice," she says appreciatively. 

"I almost wish I worked here." 

"You can stay and help," Steve says. 

Your laughter makes his chest hurt. "I can't. I have decorating to do all by myself next door." You straighten your Palace Arcade polo and your black, plain skirt. "Do I look okay?" 

Steve has a terrible lapse in judgement wherein he thinks about telling you exactly how you look, lips pressed together ready to make a 'b' sound, but he stops himself in the nick of time. Friends don't really do that. 

"You look fucking adorable," Robin says, having wrapped the tinsel around her neck in a makeshift scarf. She sparkles as she turns to Steve. "Doesn't she?" 

"Adorable," he says tightly. 

You scratch under your ear. "Thank you.” 

You promise to come back at the end of the day for The Christmas Star and escape before Robin can poke fun at your shyness. 

The door closes behind you and Steve buries his face in his hands. His cheeks are hot. 

"That was pretty bad. Better, though," Robin says, an air of genuineness about her that he knows she doesn't truly possess. 

Steve scrubs a hand through his hair, temper welled to the surface quick and uncomfortable as usual. He pushes it down and turns away from Robin and the glaringly bright Christmas decorations rather than say something snappy that she doesn't strictly deserve. 

"Maybe by Christmas you'll be able to look her in the eye." 

"Maybe by Christmas I'll have friends I actually like." 

"Points for quickness," she cheers. Steve can feel her moving to stand beside him. "But ultimately weak." 

"It could happen." 

"Could it?"

He rolls his eyes and starts to log The Christmas Star under his name for you. Employees get pretty good privileges, like reduced rates and nulled late fees. You could keep it 'til the 25th, if that's what you want. 

Robin drapes tinsel over his shoulders. "I really, genuinely think that, despite your bad posture, your hair, your clothes," — Steve scoffs — "and your dismal taste in movies, she likes you." 

He's so distracted by her (mostly) joking insults that he doesn't quite hear the end. Then, when it sinks in, his incredulity lends itself to a new target. 

"What?" 

"Steve," Robin says flatly. 

"She likes me?" 

"I think so. She's not coming in here every day for me." 

"How should I know? I'm not exactly a good judge of it." 

Robin taps her foot against his. They're overly familiar if not overly affectionate friends, and he relents in his bad mood, pulling the tinsel from his shoulders with a dejected sigh. 

"I doubt it. She was excited about the new movies." Not me. He doesn’t think you'll be back tomorrow.  

"Why aren't you excited?" Robin asks.

"You know I don't like the holidays." His agitation is clear in his annoyed hand gestures, fingers furling and unfurling. "Weeks of torture. Cranky moms walking around like somebody shoved a candy cane up their-" 

"Steve, that's like, ten percent of the holiday season! There's a bazillion other things to like about Christmas." 

He snorts. "Like what?" 

—

Steve doesn't know how she managed it, but Robin has someone orchestrated the older gaggle of their friends to sit down anywhere but next to him. When you arrive, late and full of abashed apologies, the only seat empty is the chair to his right. 

You collapse beside him and the December chill outside follows you. Cold emanates off of your clothes. You peel out of your black denim jacket and press the back of your hand to his. 

"Cold, huh?" you ask. 

He swallows around nothing. "Cold." 

Your touch lingers. If he were your boyfriend, he'd take your cold hands in both of his and blow on them generously. He'd rub your stiff knuckles until they were loose and your fingers limp. 

Robin opens her arms and a half a dozen boxes clatter into the middle of the table, upside down and on their sides. Steve turns his head to read the font, and then promptly sits up. 

"No," he says. 

"Steve," Robin pleads, already turned away to retrieve a wicker basket full of candy. "Don't be a loser." 

"Too late," Eddie says, painted nails digging into the cardboard flap of his box. 

"You don't want to make one?" you ask Steve. 

"Gingerbread houses are a little elementary school, aren't they?" Steve turns to Jonathan imploringly. "You agree, right?" 

"No," Jonathan says with a laugh. "Me and Will still make them every year. El's getting good at them, too." 

"Will made one with a door that opens last year," Nancy says, pride for her boyfriend's brother clear in her pert smirk. 

Steve rolls his eyes. "That's good for him, and I mean it, but why are we doing this? Tell me there's beer, at least." 

"Yes!" Eddie cheers, slapping his thigh. "Harrington, you're finally saying something I can get behind. I have a little something extra in the van, just say the word." 

"There's beer," Nancy says emphatically. 

Eddie pretends to die in his chair. You giggle like crazy at his dramatics and set about opening your box, fanning gingerbread walls and roof panelling out over the table. 

Steve feels old resentment for Eddie bubble up like it never left. He wants to be the one who makes you laugh like that, all sweet and secret like you're trying not to make a fuss but you just can't help it. The resentment fades when you reach across from him and open a second box, laying supplies out in front of him one by one. 

"I think we should be a team," you tell him. 

"That's not fair," Eddie says.

"Can it, Munson-"

"We can all be teams," Robin says, returning with a blessedly cold six pack, three piping bags, and a handful of metal tips. "You two, me and Eddie, Nancy and Jonathan." 

Steve doesn't miss her suggestive eyebrow wiggle, and neither does anybody else. You turn to Steve in confusion. He shakes his head vigorously in a rapid and untrue show of I don't know, arm weaving under yours to bring your attention to the bigger piece of gingerbread. "This is the floor, right?" 

Steve’s surprised by how good of a team you turn out to be. Your gingerbread house takes shape slowly. Steve holds the pieces in place and you apply the icing seams like caulking, smoothing the lines out with your index finger and licking it clean. You’re a picture of happiness, happy jabbering interspersed between singing along to the Christmas songs on the radio and warding off insincere insults sent your way. 

"My grandma can decorate better than that, and she's pushing ninety. She has glaucoma."

“Cut the shit talking, Eddie,” you warn, flicking him with a jellybean. It hits his neck, and his retribution comes in five more aimed at your gingerbread house. 

The sides wobble unsurely.

Steve frosts the roof, assuming it’ll be easy. It isn’t easy at all, and soon any cuteness you’ve made is ruined by his ugly hatching. He winces, then frowns, then glares, eyebrows furrowed in agitation. 

Jonathan and Nancy are the ones to beat. Both nerds, both neat. Jonathan’s an artist and it’s obvious he does this every year, their house made up of pretty white swirls and gem decorated doors and windows. They're bantering quietly, insincere declarations that make Steve jealous — not of Jonathan, exactly, but of their relationship as a whole. They fit together in a way Steve and Nance never had. They’re effortless. 

Robin and Eddie make a good go of it, surprisingly. Steve had expected Eddie to throw the competition before he could lose, and hates to be proven wrong. Dorks combined with too much imagination, their gingerbread house has become a sort of macabre scene with a dead gingerbread man outlined in the snow surrounding, and icing stalagmites rise under the roof’s overhang.

You pull your chair in as close to Steve’s as you can, your knee pressed into his thigh and your elbow glancing off of his bicep every time you place a jellybean.

“There,” you say, pulling back. “That looks awesome, doesn’t it?”

It’s a hot mess. Unbalanced, too much icing on one side of the roof and not enough on the other, you lean back into Steve’s chest, your skin to his skin and your hair smelling of jasmine, appraising the work you’ve made just as it begins to fall apart. The weight of the roof becomes too much and the walls split either side of one another, in both slow motion and fast. Steve sees it happen incrementally, and it’s too quick to stop. 

Your gingerbread house collapses. 

“Fuck,” Steve says. “Fucking fuck.”

You get second place. 

“It looked good when it was actually standing,” Nancy reasons, her lies obvious in her raised pitch, her queasy shifting. 

“It did,” you agree. 

Steve’s self-loathing abates ever so slightly. 

“Pity win,” Eddie says with a cough. 

You laugh like crazy, and Steve decides gingerbread houses are for kids. 

—

After the gingerbread house disappointment, Steve thinks things cannot get worse. He is swiftly proven wrong. 

It's his turn to host a party, Robin's idea, and Christmas crawls ever closer. When he closes his eyes at night he can see the faces of every annoyed mom asking for The Christmas Star. Carols play in his ears unbidden. He finds himself humming songs he hates out of nowhere and clamping his mouth shut hard enough to chip a tooth every time. 

You love decorations, and so he and Robin have spent the last hour making his big empty house something fit for a rom-com, wreaths and tinsels and rainbow flashing lights. You love Christmas music, and so the stereos dialled to a cruel thirty in preparation for your arrival. You love cookies, and so, to Steve's amateurish expense, plates of sugar cookies line the kitchen countertops, along with all the finger foods one could ever desire. 

Though in Steve's case, that's none. He hates Christmas parties, reminded of his parents' misaligned efforts to earn favour with equally pompous parents. He and Tommy would hide out in backyards with stolen booze, and when that got too cold they'd shuffle inside, warm in their chests and numb in their fingers. 

He frowns at the memory and wizzes it all away. Tommy was an asshole. Steve was an asshole, he still is. This party isn't for his parents. 

It's for you. 

Not that anyone can ever, ever know. 

"What do you think?" Robin asks, pulling at the edges of the sweater she's changed into. 

It's a movie reference he should understand, but doesn't. "I love it." 

She smiles. Rare for them to operate above dry sarcasm and quick wit. Christmas makes Robin squishy, like she's forgotten how shitty the world is, and Steve wants her to have a good time tonight. This includes being nice (which he should be more often, anyway). 

"Go change. She'll be here soon."

"Who, Nance?" 

Robin tips her head back. "Oh, yeah, Nancy. Definitely who I meant." 

He flips her the finger, putting an end to their Christmas niceties. She's still laughing as he climbs the stairs and barrels into his room. He doesn't bother closing the door even as he hears the doorbell ring. The pizza should be getting here around now. 

Steve doesn't rush. He’d left cash on the countertop. Robin can deal with it. 

He ducks forward and pulls his polo up the length of his back, hair puffed out like a cloud. He'd set aside his ridiculous reindeer sweater on the top shelf of his closet. Or, at least, he'd thought he had. He searches once, twice, and then gives in to his short temper and drops his face into his hands. 

Stupid Christmas. Stupid sweater. Stupid party.  

He hears your inhale like a whisper. Breath caught in your throat. 

"Steve," you say, sounding surprised. 

It's his room. He's not sure what's so surprising. 

You're standing in the doorway looking angelic, all things considered. Your features softened by powder, wearing a white Christmas sweater with dainty beaded snowflakes and a plaid skirt. You look pretty, and Steve's not one for dramatics but he wishes he was dead. 

"You look nice," he says pathetically. 

"You, too," you say. You clear your throat. "I mean. Uh-" 

"You okay?" he asks, pushing hair out of his eyes. 

Your smile falters. You look at his naked chest. Steve worries he's making you uncomfortable and turns as nonchalantly as he can to his closet again, says, "I can't find my sweater. It's…" He lifts a bundle of jeans up. "Horrifying." 

"I can help." 

You step into the room. Each footstep silent, you've already discarded your shoes. He looks down to your stockings and then up again, ignoring the blush that wants to emerge at the sight of your thighs. 

"It's brown, and it has a weird red thing hanging off of it. Rudolph's nose." 

You step close enough that he can feel the heat of your arm and run a hand down the shelves. It takes a couple of seconds at most and you've found it, pulling it from the pile carefully. He loves the way you move, each inch deliberate. 

You press the sweater into his chest. His hands come up, his fingers cover your own. 

When he's with you, Steve feels as though everything — every movement, every moment — is broken down into its finest details. He thinks he could draw your fingerprint if asked, each miniscule line embossed into his skin as you touch him. 

"Steve?" 

But that's ridiculous. 

"Thanks. I think I got tinsel in my eyes or some shit," he mutters, averting his gaze.

"You're welcome. Robin sent me to see what was taking you so long. I'll tell her it was a Rudolph related crisis." 

You stroke his arm. 

He loses his shit internally, hand reaching for your retreating figure as you turn your back. He doesn’t know why. Maybe he would’ve kissed you.

"Steve?" you ask, now standing in the doorway. 

He recalibrates, muddled. "Yeah?" 

"Get dressed,” you encourage. You give him a short smile, blinding, and laugh quietly as you leave. 

He's hopped up on hope as he gets dressed, a smile plastered over what had felt to him like a seasonal scowl. He's no idiot; arm-touching, your tinkling laughter. Maybe his crush isn't as hopeless as he'd thought. 

He smooths down his hair for much longer than necessary, listening as the door opens and closes and opens again, friends trickling in with happy hellos and complaints about the weather. It's cold but too wet for snow, and evidence of it trails in from the front door through the hallway where shoes lie discarded in clumsy pairs.

He picks over them and finds his friends, ones he made willing and otherwise, draped over his living room like old throws. Max and Lucas have stolen the couch where they sit laughing, clearly gossiping about something. The rest of the lunch club stick close by, bowls of snacks already claimed and in cross-legged laps. 

"Steve," Jonathan says, "what the fuck is that?" 

"Fucker," Steve says. He's the butt of too many jokes, then, and he glares at Robin even as she plates him some still-warm pizza. 

"Sorry," she mouths. 

You curl up on the couch next to Max. He appreciates the unlikely friendship you've formed, sort of a sistership. You only know her through Steve but he genuinely thinks you'd pick her over him, and that makes him like you more. 

That's all he does, lately. Finds new ways to fall in love with you. 

"That is the ugliest sweater I've ever seen," Max says.

Fucking Christmas. 

—

Steve's been in a bad mood since he came downstairs, and you're not okay with it. Despite your shameless meltdown in his bedroom at seeing him shirtless, you don't quit. You spend some time with Max on the couch, and when she seems a little less agitated you track him down. 

He's definitely hiding. 

"I think Max's glasses are hurting her nose," you say. 

Steve looks over his shoulder at you, and he smiles, the slopes of his face kissed by the open refrigerator light. "They'd hurt anyone. The lenses are like, five inches thick." 

“Poor girl,” you mumble, more to yourself than him. 

He turns back to the fridge and pulls out a two litre of coke. “You want a drink?” 

You shake your head. His hair looks incredibly sweet from this angle, and you don’t mean that in a condescending way. It curls toward the bottom of his neck, that tiny bit too long compared to his usual cut. His neck moves as his head swivels, and there’s ligaments, there’s muscle, the bump of his Adam’s apple, all of it commanding attention. You think about stepping forward to touch him, his neck, to curl your finger around the side of his throat and hold him in place. If there’s one thing about Steve lately, it’s that he’s always fucking moving. He can’t sit still. He looks between you and the empty glass in question, twice, a third time. 

“I don’t read minds,” he says eventually, near pleading. 

You decide some flirtation is in order. 

“I’m glad you can’t,” you say lightly, crossing what’s left of the kitchen tile between you to stop at his side. You pretend that you’d wanted a drink, taking a glass down from one of his cabinets so he can fill it for you. Something he could’ve done himself. You hope that’ll be clear enough for him — the blatant want to be close. 

It isn’t, unsurprisingly. 

“What’s that mean?”

“Well, I think…” You lower your voice,a private confession. “That sometimes what I’m thinking, it might be- Uh, telling.”

Poor Steve. That hadn’t come out anywhere as smooth as you’d anticipated. It’s harder to tell him now you’re confronted with him, his every detail. And Steve, sweetheart, angel Steve, he misses the mark. Forget different pages, Steve’s reading a separate chapter, and your flirtation reads as a deeply unromantic confession. 

“Is there something wrong?” he asks. 

“No,” you say. “Of course not.”

His eyebrows jump and his forehead crinkles. “You sure?” His protective tone melts into something softer. “Let’s hear it, whatever it is.”

Steve isn’t patient. You know that about him. His temper is short and fierce. You like how hot he runs, love his agitated pouting and his dark-eyed scowls — he’s handsome in every expression. 

He isn’t patient, but he tries. He’s kind, and if you wanted to sit and talk about the hypothetical that isn’t bothering you, he’d listen. 

“I actually wanted to ask if everything was alright with you,” you say gently. 

His hand wobbles, fastening the coke cap. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I’ve noticed you don’t really like Christmas.”

He smiles, and soon the smile catches, a shy lip bite that has you fighting with your hands to keep them where they hang at your sides. 

“You got me.”

Steve pushes the twin glasses of coke back and then turns around, resting the small of his back against the countertop. You step in front of him without thinking, head ducked to catch and keep his eyes. They’re such a lovely brown, light and earthy, potted with white dots from the fluorescent kitchen light like falling snow as his eyes slip down. You swear, Steve is looking at your lips. 

“Is there something I can do?” 

It’s a terrible time to ask because you genuinely mean it, you’re not just trying to cop a feel. He doesn’t smirk or laugh as you’d thought he would, he only smiles. 

“Thanks, but I’m good.” He tips his head back, criminal, neck arched and ever-enticing. “Fucking sick of this itchy straight jacket,” he groans, pulling at the collar of his sweater like he’s hot. 

He is hot. You’d both benefit from a sudden winter breeze. 

His head drops, eyes lit with confusion. “What? Something on my face?”

“Something,” you agree. 

You look behind you to check what you’d thought you’d seen was truly there. When it is, you turn back to Steve with a feigned concern. “Here, come step into better light.”

You hurry into the doorway, frowning. 

Steve frowns in turn and follows you. You give the game away without meaning to, looking up at the sprig of mistletoe pinned sloppily above you. 

He sees it. He lights up. The happiest he’s looked all month, Steve scrubs a hand over his face and into his hair, pushing it out of his eyes as he comes to meet you. Your stomach flips with excitement, because oh shit, he looks like he wants to kiss me. 

“Butler, I’m in need of one of your finest cokes, please.”

Oh, no.

Eddie bounces into view with a certified shit-eating grin, hair decorated with tiny metallic baubles. His sweater is surprisingly normal, a black and white knitted affair with reindeer and snowflakes. 

He comes to a stop beside you. “What’s happening?”

Don’t look up, don’t look up, don’t look-

“Shit, hey! Mistletoe.”

Eddie opens his arms. You sigh, to his delight, and lean in so he can give you a chaste kiss on the cheek. You try to look at Steve and find your view blocked by a mass of hair.  

“Wow, sweetheart. And I thought we were friends,” Eddie says good-naturedly. 

You scrunch your hand in his sweater to push him away, not unkindly. Guilt gets the better of you and you pat the place over his heart. “We are.”

He makes a kissy sound and dives in toward your neck. Startled, you squeal, stumbling away from his rabid affection and back into the kitchen. He follows, though he doesn’t try anymore kisses. 

“Harrington! I wasn’t joking about the coke. Can I-“

“Help yourself,” Steve says. 

He sounds miserable. 

—

There isn’t time or opportunity to smooth things over with Steve that night. Actually, a week becomes two, and neither do you kiss nor talk about kissing. You want to explain to him what he probably already knows — you really had been standing there for him, hoping for a kiss, a proper kiss. 

He’d looked crushed. You don’t use the word lightly. Steve looked as though somebody had stepped on his chest and pressed all of their weight against his ribs. Frazzled, unhappy. You can’t get the look out of your head, and Christmas doesn’t feel so cheerful with the gap that yawns between you, an icy crevice. 

You try to explain and things get in the way. At the video store, you show up with a plate of apology cookies hoping for a second chance and suddenly the radio breaks and gets stuck blaring ‘Here Comes Santa Claus’ like a storm siren. You meet up for games night with a twig of mistletoe in your purse hoping to be a tad more brazen about it and he sits on the opposite sofa, doesn’t take any pee breaks, effectively foiling your plan with inactivity. You ask him out for hot chocolate over the phone and he can’t come. 

“My parents are flying home. I gotta pick ‘em up from the airport.”

You don’t know whether he’s lying or not. His parents actually being home feels outlandish. If he is lying, he doesn’t want to see you, and if he doesn’t want to see you… 

He doesn’t like you. Not the way you like him. 

You worry you imagined the whole thing, his enthusiasm, his starry eyed smile. 

So you’re giving it one last shot. If it doesn’t work you’ll spend your Christmas heartbroken and sulking, but if it does you might actually get to kiss him. It’s a huge thing, and your hands are shaking with more than the cold as you bump up the small step to Steve’s front door. 

The green wreath hanging below the peep hole jitters as you knock, a fragrant twining of pine and cinnamon sticks. 

The door opens all at once.

“Hi,” you say, biting the tip of your tongue. “Hi, I’m, uh-“

The man who’s answered, who you summarise to be Steve’s father despite never having seen him, looks disinterested. “Steve,” he calls. “One of your friends.”

He walks away with nothing else to say, a dark brown liquid lapping at the sides of his small glass. You pull the wrapped box in hand closer to your chest, shifting from one numbing foot to the other as a small tumbling sound comes from upstairs. A pair of hinges squeal, and Steve is halfway down the stairs before he’s even looked up. 

He slows as he approaches the bottom. 

He’s in pajamas. Sweatpants, nondescript, but his too-tight shirt clearly of the Christmas variety. A snowman smiles over his chest. 

“It’s laundry day,” he says. 

“Sure.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go out with you-“

“Steve,” you interrupt, shaking your head. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“Is that… for me?”

The box in your hands is wrapped modestly. You hadn’t wanted to shove Christmas down his throat, trading reds and greens for a shiny silver paper pressed with fine glitter snowflakes. 

“Yeah. It’s for you.”

Steve stares at you. You stare back. 

“I’d invite you in, but…” He shakes his head. “Let me get my coat.”

Steve doesn’t close the door, to his father’s annoyance, deep grumbling echoing from the kitchen area. You watch him shove his socked feet into a pair of sneakers and scramble to grab his coat and a scarf. 

“Okay?” he asks, stepping out onto the path and closing the door behind him. 

You don’t answer, distracted by his hands suddenly held up, the scarf thrown neatly around your neck. He does a single knot and tucks it under your jaw. “Awesome,” he says. 

You walk down his street. Hawkins is half woods, and soon you’re weaving between naked trees, no destination in mind, not one unspoken feeling acknowledged between you. 

“Why do you hate Christmas?” 

It’s just dark enough for Steve’s clouded breath to show against the sky. “I don’t,” he says.

Your footsteps break over leaves so frosted they crackle. 

“I mean, I guess I do,” he says. “I don’t know. I think I want it to be better than it is.” He stops under a tree that’s clinging to its last handful of leaves and gives a low-hanging branch a playful shake. “I never enjoyed it, as a kid. Or, I don’t remember. I’m sure I liked it when I was still snot-nosed.”

“So, last year?” 

He chuckles warmly. “Exactly.”

You walk a little further, too awkward to hand him his gift. 

“I don’t hate it. But it’s cold, and everyone’s rushing, and the bad outweighs the good.” He sounds tired. 

He breaks your heart like that. 

You stop walking and Steve takes your cue, the two of you toe-to-toe, your sneakers dirty, his socks odd. One white and one grey. 

“I got you this because… um, I have something to tell you. I don’t think I can say it out loud, but- but I hope it adds something to the scale.” You extend the box slowly, your fingers stiff with the cold. “You deserve some good. You deserve a lot of good.” 

You laugh, flustered, and Steve joins in, chest lifting with it as he accepts his gift. 

He rips off the wrapping paper, at first carefully and then less so, shoving little pieces into his pocket as he goes. You take the bigger scraps from him so he can look at the box itself. 

Your gift is actually multiple gifts contained inside, and the first isn't technically a gift at all. The Family Video copy of The Christmas Star.

"Is this-" 

"I've been meaning to give it back to you. I'm sorry, I know it's not a real gift, I just figured- I mean, you've never seen it. I thought we should watch it, and that you'd like it if you did. Or maybe you'll hate it, and that would be fine too." 

He nods and moves to the next gift, lips twitching with an emotion he won't share. 

"That's your size, hopefully. I asked Robin but she didn't know. I kept the receipt." 

Steve smiles at you. "Would you hold this?" he asks. 

You put your hands out and take the box back, worried, but he's only unzipping his coat. Quick as a flash he's shrugging into the sweater head first. It's a simple thing, red wool, soft to touch. A Christmas sweater, though there's no decoration beside a tiny holly leaf embroidered at the collar in dark green. 

"This is fucking sweet," he says. 

You agree. He looks good. 

A shiver racks his spine. 

"Put your coat back on, you're gonna freeze," you say gently. 

He beams at you. "My dead body will be the best dressed in the morgue." 

"Don't joke about that!" 

He laughs and gets back into his coat, zip right up to his neck. He still looks cold. 

The third present is a gingerbread house kit. The fourth, a sprig of mistletoe. They're obvious now the sweaters in action, and Steve seems mildly confused by them. You leap to explain. 

"I thought, I mean- I want a do-over." You tilt your cheek toward your shoulder, scared and fond at the same time. "I wanted you to kiss me. I think you wanted to kiss me, and then Eddie," — you laugh loudly, cheeks burning with the cold — "was being himself. And Steve, I brought that stupid plant with me to Robin's house last week hoping we'd be alone, and to work the week before. But you're hard to pin down." 

You take a deep breath before continuing, eyes determined at his collar, "If you don't want to kiss me, that's okay. That's why I brought the gingerbread house, because ours was awesome before it fell apart, and I'm pretty sure Robin gave us a dud on purpose. We made something really cool together, and I think we can do it again." 

"I did want to kiss you. I do." 

You bite the inside of your lip, nose scrunched up in happiness. "You do?" you ask, and there's this feeling in your chest like you could burst, and all the cold shrinks into nothing. You're warm in your arms, your fingers, your fingertips. 

His hand comes up to his face briefly, shielding his eyes. "Am I obvious?" 

"Am I?" 

His exhale tickles your cheeks. "No," he says breathlessly.  "No, you're not." 

He says it like it's a good thing. A great thing. 

"Everybody else knows," you say similarly. 

"I know." 

He brings a hand to your cheek. It's cold, cold as your face, but he still winces and rubs at the apple with his thumb. "You're freezing," he says as he inches forward. 

His lips are warm. More gentle than you'd imagined, hesitant, and the box you're holding stops him from getting as close as you want him to get. He kisses you once, then he pulls away and kisses you again, his lips slightly parted. 

It's better than you'd thought it would be. His palm stroking your cheek, the pressure, the heat. Knowing he wants to kiss you now as he wanted to then. 

"No fucking way," he says, tilting his head back. 

You tip your head back too. Something wet falls in your eyelashes, a drop of rain. 

Not rain. "It's fucking snowing," Steve says. 

It's snowing. Because it's Christmas, and the powers that be are on your side. 

"Happy Christmas, Harrington," you say jovially. 

You're given another kiss in reward. Reward, or to shut you up. You're not sure. 

—

Steve is impartial to Christmas. He doesn't want to get into it but he will, because you love it. 

The snow — the snow, which had fallen thick and fine as powdered sugar, which you adore, and which makes coming to see you in the days leading up to Christmas near impossible. It's something out of a movie, Steve, seriously, and you need to appreciate what's happening. 

The music you play when he comes to see you, records on your record player and cassettes in your tape deck lying on your chest, knee to knee and thigh to thigh with him. Your quiet humming; you won't sing, but the small sounds alone are enough to make him want to kiss you (though everything does now). He can't hate Here Comes Santa Claus when you hum along under your breath, lips skipping over the skin of his bicep, your hand scratching a rhythm into his hair. 

Everybody knows Santa's coming, I don't see why they have to have a whole song about it. 

Are you jealous? I'll write a song about you. Or maybe I can steal one. You ever hear Santa baby? We can make it Stevie baby. 

Christmas music? Not his thing. You calling him baby? Fine, he can get behind it. At least until January. 

Christmas sweaters! He fucking hates them. They're ugly, they're scary, he doesn't wanna walk around with a pom pom on his chest thank you so much, but he has to allow them. Has to. If only so he can watch you get dressed with one eye hidden in your pillow and the other wide open. Thank little baby Jesus in the manger for Christmas sweaters so you have something to tuck into your skirt, so you have a reason to wear a skirt at all, and a reason to take one off. 

Christmas snacks he can get behind. Or, he can get behind this. You on the couch, a needle threaded in your hand. A bowl of popcorn in his lap, and your face as you lean back. 

He throws a kernel and it lands in your open mouth. 

You both holler, twin expressions of unadulterated joy, popcorn spilling over the sides of the bowl. You just look so happy, he climbs on knees to steal a kiss. A smiling kiss, the very best kind. 

"Aren't you supposed to do this stuff before Christmas eve?" he asks. 

"I've been a little busy." 

Steve digs his face into your neck so you won't see him blushing, hands curling around your waist in an impromptu hug. Yes, he supposes you have been. 

You kiss his temple sweetly. 

"Merry Christmas," he murmurs. He really, really means it. 

❆

thanks for reading! im so out of practice but hopefully this is okay!! i meant to post it yesterday but anyhow, i hope you enjoyed <3

[kassade]

You and I

Call sign: Ace

Jake "Hangman" Seresin x f!reader

TW: shirtless Hangman, fluff, kissing

W/C: 1066

Sum: you, Hangman, Phoenix and Bob are all in school, and are working on a project together.

"ah, come on!" you exclaim. "What?" Hangman asks. You're sitting on the same couch as him, with Bob and Phoenix on the couch in front of you. Hangman looks at your computer screen, "oh come on... really Ace, that's what you've been doing for the past half hour" he asks. You lean your head back, it was last class of the day and you couldn't wait to go to the bar tonight. You started rubbing your temples, since your headache was getting worse, "you okay?" Phoenix asks you. "Yeah fine, just can't wait to get this project over with." You answer.

The next day your headache is even worse, you're again sitting on the couches with the three other people. "Are you sure you're okay?" Bob asks concerned. "yeah, yeah I'm fine I just have a headache" you answer fighting the urge to not lay down fully on the couch. You lean your head into your hand, hoping that that might help, but it doesn't, your head keeps slipping off. Until you feel Hangman's hand on the side of your head, pushing your head up to lean on his shoulder. And you almost instantly feel better, it was weird, you'd seen Jake Hangman boss around all these girls at various bars, but with you he was so gentle, almost. Your group had continued working for a couple more hours, the project had to be perfect.

You and Phoenix had gotten a lot closer since the beginning, so it wasn't unusual that you'd stay a night at her place once in a while. And she was more than happy to lend you her spare bedroom, as long as you gave her some drama. "So what's going on with you? Why do you keep having headaches?" she asks while making some tea for the both of you later that evening. "I don't know, I guess I'm stressed about the project and haven't been sleeping very well" you answer.

Your group has to do an examination, Phoenix and Bob were the ones doing most of that, while you and Hangman were left to do the research. This continued for the next couple of weeks. You and Hangman had gotten close, not extremely but you'd spent a lot of time together and every time you were studying late or super early Hangman would bring you coffee. He somehow knew your exact order, and to this day you're still not sure how.

"Okay, we should be done in about an hour, are you guys almost done?" Phoenix asks you. "I still have a few questions that needs answering and then I'm gonna do a deep dive, just to make sure i've got everything." you answer not looking up from your computer.

"Everyone, pack your things school is closing, you can come here again tomorrow at 8. First presentation is at 9.30 be prepared for everything!" your teacher yells through the library. And slowly everyone starts packing. "Hey uhm, Phoe, can stay at your place tonight" you ask, and she shakes her head, "no sorry, my sister's coming to visit, why? Can't you just stay at your apartment?" "My neighbor's doing renovations so I won't be able to concentrate." you say, not knowing what to do now. "You can stay at my place if you want, I have an extra bedroom, and I'm just gonna study anyway" Hangman chimes in.

Once you get to Hangman's house, you study for hours. You and Hangman only talk together to quiz each other, other than that you were quiet.

"2 am" you say mostly to yourself but Hangman hears, "huh" he says looking up at the clock. The two of you decide to order a pizza, within 30 minutes of the pizza getting to his house it was gone. Since it was almost 3 am Hangman told you that you could borrow his guest bedroom.

The next morning you wake up to grunting, while you put on your own clothes you think to yourself, "ok, hangman might have game, but not so much that he can pick up a girl at 3 am without even leaving his house. Right?". You had borrowed a t-shirt from Hangman so that you didn't have to sleep in your jeans and tank top.

Walking out to the living room, you see Hangman doing push-ups, shirtless, after standing in the doorway for a little just enjoying the show, you can see him starting to get up, so you start moving again. "Like what you see?" he asked, you just walked past him and into the kitchen, to look for food, "don't you have anything eatable, you can eat in this house?" you ask jokingly as you look through various cabinets. "Haha very funny, and no I have everything I need" after a little pause of the two of you just looking at each other he clears his throat, "um, I'm, I'm gonna go take a shower" he says leaving you in the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, Hangman comes back into the kitchen, in just a towel. This time it's his turn to stand in the doorway and stare at you, you were sitting on his kitchen island scrolling Tik-Toks, "Can I help you, Seresin?" "no, no, it's just, it makes me happy seeing how natural you look here." and with that he left.

You started pacing back and forth in the kitchen. While you debated whether or not to go after him. But you eventually ended up walking up to his bedroom door, it was closed so you started rethinking but before you could change your mind, you went in. Somehow he was still shirtless, but this time in only boxers and not a towel, you walked past him and laid down on his bed. "Hi," he said while putting on cologne. "Did you mean that?" you ask but before he can answer you're continuing, " 'Cause I like you, i think, and then you said that and it made me think that maybe you like me too, but I don't know and you know maybe you're just being friendly and" he stopped you before you could say anything else. He kissed you and quickly pulled away after you stopped talking, "I like you, and I think you came in here because you like me too?" he asked, and you answered by kissing him again, this time more passionately.

[dream-meister-translations]

CROW - VOICE COLLECTION

━

"Okay, we're all set! Let's get going!"

"Haha, you know, I'm starting to take you for granted."

"Which country will we venture to next?"

"All right, let's have some fun!"

"How 'bout we grab a bite to eat somewhere?"

"I wonder what kind of people we'll run into."

"Oh, you're preparing an expedition? Better be sure you're making the right choice. You never know what might happen."

"Well, the harder the work, the better the reward! Come on, cheer up, and let's do our best!"

"I'm soooo happy to see you! I can't wait to see the world like I've never seen it before! Where do you wanna go first?"

"First aid… Survival kit… Wait, you don't have a map? Oh, well I'll just follow my gut."

"We're both Moon Wanderers, so you can count on me for anything, okay? I'm here."

"I'm counting on you today. No matter how tough it gets. Together, we can overcome anything."

"Leave it to me."

"This is exciting! Let the adventure begin!"

"Let's keep it moving, full speed ahead!"

"Three in a row!"

"I won't miss!"

"Watch me!"

"I got this one! Concentrated fire! Kaboom!"

"I can still fight…!"

"Who the Hell's gonna stop us!?"

"Damn, look at this treasure! We did it!"

"We're not done yet!"

"I hope you'll keep relying on me."

"The journey has only just begun! Let's have even more from here on out!"

"I truly believe you and I can do anything together. We'll be fine no matter what comes our way. I promise!"

"Hey, I've been thinking… I'm happy that you're with us. It's nice having you around like this."

"Home… Huh? Oh, no, it's nothing. I just mean our home. The Moon Wanderers home…"

"Hm? You woke me up. That's okay. I'll be right here next to you so why don't you get some rest?"

"We'll stay together. Whatever the treasure. Whatever the adventure. I want to share it with you from here on."

"The stars are beautiful… I wonder what they'll look like tomorrow."

"Full speed ahead!"

"Okay, partner, we're all set! Think you can keep up?"

"It's nice going out casually like this every once in a while, huh? Let's have fun today!"

"That was fun! We should go out again like this!"

"You know that super-popular cake shop? They sell out of cheesecake all the time! Well, would you believe I just got the last piece before they sold out!"

"Have I had any luck lately? Uh… Oh! I was weating shellfish the other day and found pearls in it! They were huge! And beautiful!"

"Did you know I almost got swallowed whole by a monster once? But he was soooo big I was able to squeeze my way through the gap in it's teeth!"

"I feel extraordinarily lucky these days…"

"I'm so glad I found you! That's all there is to it!"

"Hey! It's nice to meet you again as Meister and Guild Keeper!"

"You wanna know what tools I keep handy? Well, it depends on the day, but as an adventurer, I always have a rope and knife on me!"

"Oh, aren't you a sight for sore eyes! I know the price is outrageous but those bandages work wonders!"

"Oh, that? That's the stone I picked up at the ruins we were… Just… Ex... Ploring… Shit! I forgot to give it to Lannes!"

"Do you really wanna know what's in my bag that badly? N-No, there's nothing weird in there! Just… Be careful, okay?"

"It's just some knives and gunpowder… It's dangerous, and I didn't want you getting hurt by accident…"

"If you're that interested, I'll have to teach you how to use them one day."

"If you wanna know what I do, I'll take you with me next time. The best way to learn is to get your hands dirty."

"Hmm… There's a lot of responsibility resting on your shoulders… Deciding everything we do. Haha, isn't that what YOU said?"

"Oh, for me, it's all about having fun! The harder it is, the more excited I get!"

"…Oh! It's important to remember: One of the best things about being alone is being free to do anything you want!"

"But if you have someone you can count on… Well… You can do way more things and achieve even greater results!"

"So… A few tips from me: Find a group of people you can trust. That's what I'm tryna do here."

"Hm~? What's up? Oh, you're worried about me? Well then, do whatever you need."

"Oh, a staring content, is it? Okay, then let's see who looks away first! You think I'm gonna lose~?

"…Whoa! You scared me! I didn't know you were that close!"

"All right! What do you wanna do today? We can go wherever you wanna go!"

"I… Don't think we'll get separated, but… Hm… Hold my hand just in case."

"Oh, it's time to go… Is it too soon to ask when you're next free?"

"I guess that's it for today. I wish we could have hung out a little more. But I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Huh? What the Hell…? Oh, you wanna spoil me? Well, I guess I'll just have to do it, too, won't I?"

"Your hair's grown so long… How long have we been out searching like this? It's getting harder to cut."

"You enjoy touching my hair? I don't mind at all. It kinda tickles."

"Oh, uhh… Sorry… I'm just a little sleepy…"

"Your hands are so soft, so gentle… Feels so good… I wanna do this all the time."

"Y'know, I miss you… It's irresistable… Almost like I'm choking without you… Can I ask you to stay for just one more minute…?"

"I mean… It's not THAT bad… I can endure it… I just need… To… Ahahahaha! Okay I can't do it after all! Hahahaha!"

"God, you really caught me by surprise there! I thought I was gonna die laughing!"

"Hmm? Are you… Are you trying to tickle me? You look like you're trying to tickle me. Wait. Wait. Wait. No, no, no, no!"

"If you still wanna tickle me, I'll have to tickle you, too. I'm gonna make you laugh so hard, so forgive me, okay?"

"Hm? You're such a hard worker. I was just admiring the way your hands move. They're so nice~"

"I was just thinking: You're hands are so cute. It's like… I want to protect them."

"Hahahaha! The Hell? You touch my hands all the time! Do they really feel that good?"

"Actually… I'm the same way… I love feeling the warmth of your palm…"

"Our hands are so different… I have mine and you have yours, but even still... We've got each other's backs."

"I mean? What can I say? Having you stare at me like this makes me feel a little uncomfortable."

"I like to think I'm pretty close to people, but you're on a whole other level."

"I always thought you were cute. But up close? You're beautiful… Your eyes, your skin.. So beautiful…"

"Hey, what's up? Something on your mind?"

"Hey, I was just thinking about you… I think you're the best partner I've ever had… I'm glad you feel the same way."

"Celebrating with you was always more than enough for me. But now this…? Thank you so much… It's the best thing anyone's ever done for me."

"Haha, I'm glad you like me so much, but I can't take this… I... Thank you…"

"Oh, I love it~ Thanks, Emma!"

"Hmm? You're giving this to me? Well, then I gratefully accept!"

"Huh? Hm~… Instead of giving this to me, maybe you should give it to someone who needs it?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I know you're excited, but calm down!"

"I want to thank you for all you've done for me… I don't mean that in a burnt-out kind of way… I just wanted you to know that I'm always grateful. So, here, take it."

"Wow, it's my favorite! You really know how to make me smile!"

"Oh, thank you! I'll have to get you something, too!"

"Are you sure this is addressed to me? I see… Well, thank you. It makes me happy."

"Haha! Hey, stop it, stop it! If you keep doing that I'm gonna lose control!"

"Hm! I knew it! You really are the best partner of all time!"

"Thanks for for this. I'll take good care of it."

"Hahaha, I'd just be happy receiving anything from you!!"

"Let's just leave it there for now. We'll pick up where we left off once we get back, okay?"

"I wanted to give you this to... Express my thanks for the past and the future."

━

CROW : Hey, Evan, have a great day, man. I'm counting on you to be there for me when I need you! EVAN : Don't talk to me like that. You think I'm gonna take care of you? Are you listening to me?

━

CROW : Hey, Itsuki, where do you want to go explore next? There's a place I really wanna visit! Let's go! ITSUKI : We just got back yesterday. Fufu, that's so like you… Well, let's get on with the next moon reading!

━

CROW : Hey, Itsuki, let's do this again today! ITSUKI : Just like always.

━

CROW : Nice assist, Itsuki! ITSUKI : I'm used to supporting you.

━

CROW : Gran~? You gotta move faster than that! They only sell a hundred cheesecakes a day! We gotta get there before they sell out! GRANDFLAIR : Oh my… Oh no… It's time like this I realize you're still just a boy, Crow…

━

CROW : Let's do it, Evan! EVAN : Don't tell me what to do!

━

CROW : Yeah! That's it! That's what I'm talkin' about, Evan! EVAN : Hmph. Don't be such a fool.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary119

1/10-11/2024

wednesday - thursday

missed my friend's birthday today.

cuz i was sick. my gf went though (i hope i didn't spread through her (but probably)). i think he had a good time, my friend, and my gf had a good time with them all. it means a lot to me that she can go hang out with them and not be like, uncomfortable, there's people there who talk to her and value her thoughts and company and treat her like a human. this shouldn't be special, but it is. obviously, there's also guys there who aren't awful but are mostly among dudes. they treat me like an in-between thing i guess, when i'm around. something about that is gratifying to see written out, in-between thing, but idk, i feel more allied with the side that isn't those guys, than them. those guys also treat our transmasc friend weird as well. they treat me less weird than him because i'm older to the friendgroup, and our friend whose birthday it was, he's the one who brings us all together, i'm very vvery close with him. they don't treat our transmasc friend horribly weird, but still. i'm really only talking about like...4 of a group of over 10. these ones are the super weedbro contingent. idk though, i really like everyone basically. only one guy bothers me and he just treats everyone weird.

having fun waiting for ableton to open after it just crashed after opening.

i feel like i can at fix some of a problem with the one song i got to today, the mix for this one just seems very hard to get to the bottom of, something seems very wrong with it but i don't know what. it's, in my mind, right now, the vocals, they're muddy and dark, and idk what i am doing wrong, so i'm gonna try and use a vocal group from another song and slot the takes into that, using that fx chain. maybe that will help clear it up, but i'm worried the issue is these takes themselves.

i hope this works. what else did i do,

i did get that drum idea down, i think, or something like it, an evolution of that, really happy about that. i hope this song comes out right on export, it's such a weird pain.

another weird pain today, but i won't go into it, because it's basically pathetic. there's just certain things that i'll end up seeing if i go on twitter and it makes me go kind of crazy. i don't know why that kind of thing is like basically a trigger for me. why is that a potential trigger, seeing people going crazy on something meaningless because they are miserable, it should be able to pass through me and be nothing, but i can't deal, it makes me feel bad and like i need to escape, it's also a place where i see people with such vehement opinions about bodies basically, or that's what i saw today, that it makes me question what i am/if i even belong to any kind of community or whatever. being so online really only increased my alienation towards larger groups. some people are so joyful in spreading what is basically a kind of super negative method of self appraisal and seeing oneself in the world, they hide behind it being some kind of hard truth, it's so ugly though. i wish people stopped spreading stuff from /lgbt/ basically, the whole worldview it basically has developed/allowed to fester. it's seriously so awful and people kind of bandy it/its language about like it makes you cool in some kind of edgy way.

it's always profound how lame everyone ends up being, on the other end of the sludge-spew.

anyways, the thing exported, i'll listen tomorrow, maybe i'll be a better judge then. currently i'm just thinking about how this funny is now:

every tiime i clicked on one of these because it seemed utterly psychotic, it reminded me of being in a hospital waiting room, seeing people there for reasons i could not imagine, doing insane things, fluorescent nausea. why was every one of them so sexualized too, did any regular blogger ever do those things.

anyway i am super tired and i stayed up way tooooo late.

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jinxxedmisery]

I just wanted to come here and say, I'm sorry I haven't been active lately.

I haven't gotten around to requests in like months.. thankfully only one is in my inbox right now.

I also haven't been doing a lot of art.. things have happened which I will vent about... because my therapy appointment is over a month away and where else can I vent if not tumblr..

Tw mental health stuff, general health stuff, transphobia, relationship drama.

So happy Pride Month... it's nearly over, I know.. but oh well. Like a lot of people are saying, this pride month feels different.. less safe.. I came out as nonbinary to my family last year and started socially transitioning and I have known I was pansexual since 14.... so this stuff kinda hits hard.,

Even being in Canada it's scary seeing all this hate.. it's not as bad here.. but haha.. I happen to live in Alberta.. half the population here is homophobic, godfearing, truckers, cowboys, and farmers.... so I feel a sense of danger every time I'm open about it..

I went to a parade in my town.. we have a yearly event in June.. it's not pride.. but I kinda treat it as a form of pride.. I wore my pronoun pin badge I bought shortly after I came out. One of the town four churches has a Vacation Bible School program and a woman who is a pastor's wife always every year comes up to me and tells me she wants me to volunteer to help them out and kinda forces me to take an info packet....

Yeah.. this year she looked directly at my pin badge and talked to my parents instead basically pretending I didn't exist which was kinda funny and a huge relief.. hope this stops her from bothering me In the future... I did notice a few people look at it as well and like body block their child... which was so stupid.. istg conservatives think we're the boogeyman or some shit. Also kept getting misgendered... some lady who knew me from my childhood says "oh you've grown into such a beautiful young lady" and I straight up felt ill..

Anyway.. during that event my mother had a medical emergency.. she had a mini stroke.. my mom was very confused wasn't aware of her surroundings.. she's normally super resistant to going to the hospital and will fight you.. but she was so confused she got up, got her shoes on and got into the car and walked into the hospital without a fight...later she nearly punched me in the face while we were trying to hold her down so the nurses could get an IV in.. (they don't have daytime security at the local hospital and they don't have restraints) she said she doesn't remember any of it..,

As for my relationship.. I still have a boyfriend.. he's been pretty busy with work though.. his boss moved him to a super inconvenient schedule 3pm to 9pm.. every single day, no days off..

He's also had so much trouble with his car that it's not even funny. It's all been the coolant.. he thinks he's fixed it though so.. I'm hoping that won't be an issue as much.

So it's been hard for us (especially me.., because.. like my last relationship ended shortly after my ex couldn't make it out to see me.., he did finally admit it was excuses so.. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was afraid of that happening again) but we're enduring it.. he's a sweetheart and has been making time to talk to me after work almost every night until he gets too tired to continue..

It helps a lot.. he makes me feel wanted and he is trying his best to make it work so we can see eachother in person 😊he'll be coming out tomorrow morning and staying until 1pm.. we only get 2 hrs together but it's fine.. any amount of time with him that I get is worth it.

I promised him one day if he's able to visit for longer we'll watch Heathers: The Musical and get slushies... mountain dew, cherry or lime flavored ofc (iykyk) he's into that idea thankfully lol..

it's a requirement that everyone in my life watches Heathers at least once... I've seen it so many times I could almost recite the entire thing... 🤭

But that's all for now, when I get the motivation I will write requests!

[foggyscholar]

well, at least i got something done today. not nearly on schedule but i feel like i did eventually break through my mental block for the most part in the evening, and i think tomorrow will be good

tomorrow i'm going to start with the nervous system, going to start with the cranial nerves because that's a super high yield topic on the exam, there's a lot of stuff there, it was an early in the semester test and while i passed i didn't do well on it lmao. so there's very little to urogenital, and i recently went through gastrorespo, so those are going to be in the final day, going to get through them quick

did also make some progress on the circulatory system, made a diagram which, yk, those help

starting my morning with body doubling was a good idea, but i didn't really pick up steam until the evening. i ended up going to the store and buying some stationery and a book which, yk, the vibes were very

i am. sort of having a mental breakdown lowkey

but it did help, it did help

tomato update: even more orange

uh yeah, 13 days left. less than two weeks - hopefullllly. i have to start pulling my weight tomorrow though, going to try to get some sleep now

it's been Cold and i think that has been bad & fun fact about living in a dorm, they turned my heating off a few months ago. and like, we've had some real hot summer weather, i've needed to acquire a fan for that because the heat was starting to bother me, but in Undisclosed Country, the temperatures do very much still dip in june, early june is often not that warm, and indeed, i am shivering right now. but my heating has been off for a few months so i guess i'll just keep shivering. my windows remain mainly decorative

i mean, i'm moving out this month, which is like. sad, because i will miss this place, i made it real nice, but also it will be banging because living in a dorm is horrific actually lmao. it's a themepark. would not recommend but simultaneously something everyone should experience once

the funny thing is, last exam season i was worried that i'd get exmatted, the whole fall semester i was afraid of dropping out, for a lot of reasons but one of those was my housing being tied to my uni like, i got this room Super unrenovated. it was truly, like, ridiculously dire, i very much dropped the lemony snicket act two reblogs into this and just went full vent mode (watching my like, follower count fluctuate has been very funny lately by the way. it's not something i normally pay attention to but now that i Have to update this on my laptop, i see it every time i log on and it keeps going up and down like, full rollercoaster) anyway, i stopped that a while ago, but the state of this dorm when i got it truly needs a snicketesque description, and maybe someday i'll do a retrospective on this year with that. but i did renovate, like, so comprehensively, i did that, on my own expense and time, and the main good parts of this dorm were the actually cheap rent (you know, like a dorm? unlike every other renovated dorm building, which just charges market price, which is high as fuck) and the fact i was allowed to renovate it to my tastes. and the location but then, and no one told me this in the fall when i signed my contract, i got an email that i was in fact getting evicted in june because they're renovating the entire building so i've very much been able to stay matriculated and stay in my dorm this year and they are kicking me out of the dorm anyway :) but honestly, the new place is nicer, excited to have my own fucking kitchen, one that has a Ventilator and doesn't have a Fire Alarm above the Unventilated Old Ass Kitchen Equipment that doesn't work properly, a fire alarm i can't turn off, in fact, turning it on coming with a hefty fine. and that has made me anxiously avoid cooking all year, plus the general unpleasantness of the kitchen

and i won't be freezing when the weather gets cold after april, and honestly a bunch of other things

very much trailed off there. i'm a distraction, mainly to myself. i've been invited to a study session at the library and i do like, want to go, but i prefer to study alone or like, on facetime muted, because i am a social distraction. i distract others and distract myself by that, i'm too chatty and get derailed easily and that's fun except when book learning focus is required

anyway

going to try to get some sleep now

warning: this post is very unpleasant

hello and welcome to 40 Days of Suck, in which i go through 40 consecutive horrendous days before i'm released to my first ever summer break from medschool. dear reader, i'm sorry to say that the post you are reading and its subsequent reblogs will be extremely unpleasant. there will be no aesthetic notes content as i don't have time to take aesthetic notes anymore. there will, in fact, be little to no positivity around medschool (a matter i am generally quite optimistic and positive about - much as a resort town is lovely and crowded except during the off-season, medschool is quite lovely except during exam season.) there will be no aesthetic or joyous content, but there will be tests, retakes and exams. and caffeine, and tears, and all-around unpleasantness. it is my sad duty to power through this and blogging about it my way to cope, but there is nothing stopping you from unfollowing this blog at once and following a happier blog instead if you prefer that sort of thing - may i suggest that of an art or english major. is this a cautionary tale? who can say. a tale of woe most certainly. a tale i would advise you to look away from unless you are the sort of person to enjoy stories rife with misfortune, misery and despair.

[blizzardfluffykpop]

Update/Hiatus

So, these past 4 months every time I have gotten better something else has decided to take a swing at me. And while I was able to post a lot in January [because I wasn't sickly]--. And able to post on the 14th of the last month. I am not physically well, and I thought I should let you all know that. And with what little energy I have I'm focusing on playing guitar and writing songs and reading fanfiction. While I have so many ideas spiraling in my head for requests and non requests I cannot get my brain and body to cooperate at the same time. As some of you may know I had covid during December affecting my winter posts, late January my mental health took a slip [I'm still dealing with that--]. This past month I got diagnosed with a bad case of Plantar Fasciitis and as a person that walks on their feet all day this has been detrimental to me. While I was able to stay home, the physical pain I felt [and am still slightly feeling] was keeping me from doing anything. And the past two days I've been dealing with a cold... And one of the main kickers is that I found out [three days ago] one of my irl ''friends'' was ingenuine and just wanted to 'date' me this whole time. And as a fluff creator [where I live in romance] I cannot bare to write or read confessions right now.

Another big thing, my ult group as you all know, is GOT7 and it's been hard to bear with them being 'gone' [yes, I know they have solos and whatnot and I keep up with all of that]. Most of the 3rd gen idols I've stanned are going to the military in the next coming years... Ever since Hui my first bias to go into the military has gone... It has not been fun for me-- I could elaborate but I won't. It's really hard to write, and I've been clinging onto SVT, PTG, MX, and XH. It's hard for me to get back in the groove. While I love all the aforementioned groups it's not as easy for me to write for them as I wrote about GOT7 all these years.

Thus, this brings us to the conclusion of this update... I love all of you so dearly, and I'm almost at 1,000 followers [currently: 946] which is really impressive [I'm super proud with how far I've come] to me, cause it's been a long time coming. [I've been writing on here since late 2017]. I wanted to thank you guys for that firstly. I hoping by the end of this month, March, I will be in better conditions. And that my heart will be back in with writing. At max, you may see a drabble on my imagine/scenario blog between here and then. You'll probably see me reblog stuff here and there but that will be at max. And for all the asks/anons in my inbox I have read them all I just do not have the energy to reply. I love you guys dearly tho. This blog means so much to me so don't worry I won't randomly deactivate! I will just be on a hiatus for this month and possibly the next if my health continues on the path it's been going. I will inform you guys if I will need to extend to April.

If you made it this far! I wish all of your guy's health is well and if not, that it starts to get better. As a famous songwriter once said, 'Is that nobody ever had a rainbow baby until he had the rain' [Jim Croce's 'tomorrow's gonna be a brighter day']. So just keep pushing and it'll work out I guarantee it. Take care of yourselves! :)

[awritingtree]

Hii love! Here to join your celebration. I'm asking for a ship (couldn't find the emoji). I'm a Slytherin, so my personality kind of fits the traits (ambitious, determined yk). I'm also the mum friend that takes care of everyone (except myself yikes). I'm an introvert but if you ask me the ✨right✨ questions I won't stop talking. Pretty competitive too, sarcastic but a hopeless romantic (waiting for my isaac or stiles). I feel like I overshared but it's done so...

Don’t deserve that

James Potter x reader

Summary: Nothing ever got in the way of James Potter and Y/N Y/L/N’s friendship. Well that is except James’ stupidity and obliviousness

Words: ~1.4k

Warnings: fluff, James being an idiot (what’s new?)

A/N: this is short and shitty and I wrote it in an hour while watching a movie so just, I’m sorry :/

To April: I screeched when you mentioned Isaac and Stiles. I actually got super inspired and kind of turned this into a small fic I hope you like it :)

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙��•*⭑

James Potter was someone that was present in the earliest memories you had of your life. Your parents had been good friends since Hogwarts, and it was no surprise that the friendship extended to their children too. Your friendship was as strong as it got, never wavering even when you got sorted into Slytherin, and it continued to strengthen as the years passed by. You’d become good friends with the rest of the Marauders as well, though Sirius was skeptic about you at first being a Slytherin and all, he’d warmed up to you in no time.

James and you were like two peas in a pod, never able to stay away from the other for too long. Going more than one day without talking to other was impossible which was probably why your arguments never escalated further into something serious. The only time the two of you seemed to butt heads was when it came to Quidditch, with James being the Gryffindor captain and you being the only girl in his rival’s team. Time leading up to a Slytherin vs Gryffindor were always tension-filled throughout the castle and this extended to your friendship too; the playful quips and brags to the other about how they were planning to celebrate their own victory and the others’ loss. But there was no other bigger supporter of James than you and of you than James.

Being such good friends with someone like James, you weren't really surprised when you started developing feelings for him. In fact you welcomed the non-platonic feelings with open arms, always being a hopeless romantic through and through. The idea of falling in love and spending the rest of your life with your childhood best friend was something you had dreamed about since you were a young girl. Though at that time you never thought it would’ve been James, even though he was the only viable option, you weren’t complaining.

Some people would say you’d never work out being polar opposites, the quiet Slytherin and the loud Gryffindor. But a few others knew better, that was made you so perfect for each other. James brought you out of your shell and you helped ground the hyperactive childlike man.

Lately you felt that James had been pulling away from you; leaving when you entered a room, making excuses to skip out on the plans he’d previously agreed to, barely acknowledging your presence when you were hanging out together in a group. Were you under the impression that maybe, just maybe, James Potter might return your feelings? Yes, you were. But apparently it was all your imagination. You weren’t really hurt but more so sad and disappointed because of his actions.

You entered the Great Hall one evening after classes and headed towards the rowdy boys you called your friends. Sirius spotted you first, waving you over enthusiastically. You grinned widely, practically skipping over. Before you could sit down, James stood up, muttering something about sending a letter before dashing out. You frowned and sat down next to Remus, leaning your head on his shoulder.

“Why does he hate me?” you asked sulkily, believing that you had officially lost your best friend.

Remus patted your head, “He doesn’t hate you.”

You scoffed, lifting your head, “Really? Then why does he seem to run away every time I’m around? I wish he would just talk to me! Tell me what’s wrong.”

Remus and Sirius glanced at each other. They knew exactly what the problem was, their brother was head-over-heels for a girl who was head-over-heels for him; the only problem was that neither wanted to believe the other did.

Sirius reached over the table, placing his hand on yours hoping to reassure you, “It’ll be okay love.”

You smiled weakly at him, “I’m not really hungry. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Sirius and Remus worriedly watched you leave and decided that enough was enough, they needed to talk to James.

A few days later, you exited the Great Hall, finally done for the week. You couldn’t wait to spend the rest of the weekend lying in bed, catching up on sleep and avoiding the rest of the world.

“Y/N! Wait!”

You stopped, turning around, shocked, due to the boy approaching you. His jet-black hair was a mess as usual, his glasses lopsided on his face as he ran towards you.

He stopped in front of you, shoving his hands into his pockets as he bounced on his heels, “Can we- can we talk?”

You nodded, too surprised to come up with any words. He led you to an empty classroom, walking next to you in silence. You stood in the middle of the room, staring at him as he paced around the room, running his hands through his hair making it messier than usual if that was possible, rubbing his face. You stepped forward, putting a stop to his worrisome behaviour.

“What is it? You’re worrying me,” you said, your eyebrows furrowing.

James looked into your eyes, opening and closing his mouth seeming to not be able to utter the words he wished to speak.

“You can tell me anything. I know we don’t talk much anymore but I really hoped it wasn’t this bad,” you said in a very poor attempt at lightening the mood.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” James whispered, a regretful look on his face. “I’ve been acting like a downright arse. It’s not even your fault but I took it out on you. I know I shouldn’t have but I didn’t know what else to do. I thought that this was the better option than telling you….”

He trailed off at the end of his rant, eyes widening as he realized what he’d accidentally said.

“Tell me what?”

James shifted his eyes away from you.

“Tell me what James?” you persisted.

James sighed, his hands moving to grab yours. He watched your hands in his, playing around with them as you waited patiently for him to speak.

“I li- no, I love you. And I think maybe I always have. That’s why I’ve been pulling away. I thought if I distanced myself then these feelings would disappear, but they haven’t. If anything, they’ve grown. It feels like my chest is about to burst open from the amount of love I feel for you, showering the world around me in sunshine, flowers and music. And I know you don’t feel the same and that’s fine. I just don’t want this to ruin our friendship, we’ve known each other literally all out lives and I can’t bear to lose you. You mean too much to me,” he paused taking a deep breath, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have treated you that way. You don’t deserve it. I’ll do anything, anything, to make it up to you.”

You smiled at him sadly, “You’re right. I don’t deserve that, but I understand. I understand why you did what you did. I think I would’ve ended up doing the same thing soon if I didn’t get a clue that you felt the same.”

James head snapped up, stunned. “Did you just-? You mean to tell me you-?”

You giggled at his fumbling, nodding your head. James did not waste any more time, pulling you flush against him, his hands wound up around your waist. Your lips were barely a centimeter apart, his breath fanning your face sending shivers down your spine. His hazel eyes searched yours seeking permission. You answered his question by pressing your lips against his, your eyes shutting in response. Your lips moved against his surprisingly soft lips; he tasted like heaven, the scent of polish and butterbeer overwhelming your senses. You sighed against his lips in happiness, pulling away. Your eyes remained closed as your forehead rested against James’, giving yourself some time to catch up with what had happened. James began to chuckle causing you to start to giggle as well. You opened your eyes and burst out laughing as soon as you looked upon each other.

Once you started to calm down, his eyes connecting to yours, “I love you,” James whispered, a love-sick look in his eyes.

“I love you too.”

400 followers celebration

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

If you enjoyed reading this fic, please like/comment/reblog! Your opinion/feedback is welcome, appreciated, and motivating :)

General taglist: @heloisedaphnebrightmore @pregnant-piggy @approved-by-dentists @kashishwrites @remmyswritings @angelinathebook @idont-knowrn @coffee--writes @kinkyduuh @ickle-ronniekins @the-mighty-bookworm @chaoticgirl04 @malfoyspogue @dracofeltonmalfoy @dracosmainhoe @tinylumpiaa @gcdric @theweasleysredhair

Lmk if you want to be added to the taglist :)

[neocute2]

How my brain works:

It's 11:30 and I have to wake up at 7:30 for school so if I went to sleep right now I would get my 8 hours in but I'm not fully grown so it's recommended that I get 9 hours of sleep so I'm already not going to get enough sleep and anyway I don't feel tired even though I haven't slept well/gotten 8 hours of sleep in a night in about a week so even if I wanted to I couldn't fall asleep right now because I'm wide awake and I'm probably wide awake because I've been on my phone for a few hours but I'm bored and when I'm bored I overthink things and when I overthink things I can't sleep so I need something to focus on to clear my mind and make me sleepy but the blue light is definitely going to make it harder to sleep so I should do something else but I can't draw because drawing would require me turning on the light and it's 11:30 so I was supposed to be asleep two hours ago and if I turned on the light I'd wake my dad so I can't draw or read but I have a little book light so maybe I can read but then I won't want to stop and will be reading past midnight and will get even less sleep and that's counterproductive and anyway even if I did distract myself and make myself super sleepy and fall asleep right now I still wouldn't get my 8 hours in because I've been waking up sometimes an hour before my alarm so by that logic I would get around 7 hours of sleep and wake up exhausted and then be super tired for school so I should do something to make me sleepy so I can get 7 hours of sleep instead of 6 because something is better than nothing but I shouldn't read because then I might even get only 5 hours of sleep from staying up too late but I finished my book earlier so I need to put my bookmark in the next one anyway so I can just put it straight into my bag in the morning for school so I might as well read a page but reading a page will turn into just the first chapter into I'm already 90 pages into the book and I wasn't supposed to be asleep 0 pages in and by now I've been thinking about this for 10 minutes so it's 11:40 so I'll get less than 7 hours which is basically 6 hours which is a terrible night's sleep for me because I need to write a story and finish a project tomorrow as well as try to get a lot of noted done so I really need my sleep so I can focus and be on top of my game so I should sleep now and I've been talking so long my eyelids are starting to droop which is why I'm on my phone in the first place to make myself tired but now I have to keep myself awake to finish my thought and I'm tired enough I'm typing slower and taking longer to type which is keeping me from sleeping but I also know that as soon as I move from my desk chair to my bed I'll be wide awake again so I've basically stayed up all night and doomed myself to not being able to sleep.

[lesdsandoval97]

Hey! So I decided to man up and finally write my first fan fiction. I always love to read fan fictions on Tumblr, Deviant art, & Wattpad. I read a lot of the Haikyuuxreader fan fics. People are so creative & I became inspired.

Please do not judge, I wrote this today at 4 in the morning & it may not be perfect. It is a bit long and cheesy.

By the way, when you get the chance, this story is also on my wattpad. I do plan to continue more fan fictions!

Hopefully you guys enjoy! 💕

*Suga & yourself are married in this story* ❤️

Sorry if this isn't the best, this is my first fanfic story I have ever written. I love Suga by the way! Haha. I am also writing this at 4 a.m. I all of a sudden woke up & decided to write! LOL.

Suga and yourself had made plans with your friends to go to a Halloween party hosted by Mr. Okiawa himself. Suga seemed to be excited when you both got the invitation. You remember him coming home from work and him showing you the message from Oikawa. He was so excited that it made you want to hug him so hard and give him thousands of kisses because he looked so darn adorable. That same night, you both stayed up looking up ideas for Halloween costumes.

"Y/N, what should we dress up as for Halloween? Should we buy couple costumes, or will you like to dress up as something specific?" Suga said while staring at his laptop. You responded with, "Honey, it's kind of late and we both have work tomorrow morning. Why not just come to bed and we can talk about the costumes tomorrow?" With your response, you saw Suga's little gleaming eyes a little dull. With that look, you felt bad and ended up staying up with him looking up costumes. You guys were looking at so many that you guys didn't know what to dress up as. You both did not go to sleep till 1 a.m. that night.

The next day, you both woke up with little eye bags under your eyes. You were dead tired but Suga had made coffee for you to give you some energy. He apologized to you for making you stay up late and especially for not being able to choose a costume. You told him, "Babe, don't stress out, we still have another 3 weeks to choose. Plus why won't we just go to the a costume store and try costumes on? It can be a little date for you and I. We can go grab something to eat while we look for costumes?" Suga loved your idea and you both agreed on going Friday afternoon since you both were out early that day.

*Time skip to Friday*

Suga was waiting for you to get back home. He was out earlier than expected. When you finally arrived home, it was 3 in the afternoon. He was so excited to go, you ended up going as is in your work clothes. He kept telling you that you looked gorgeous as always. You guys first went to go grab some burgers and fries at a burger joint because he knew you will be hungry. Then you guys went to the costume store. There, you guys ran into Hinata, Kenma, Yamaguchi, & Kageyama. The six of you were talking for a little bit before resuming to finding a costume. You asked the boys what they will be dressing up as so you and Suga can get an idea.

Hinata decided to dress up as a carrot, Kageyama, with the help of Hinata, is dressing up as a vampire. Kenma is dressing up as a character from Among us, & Yams was dressing up as a butler. You thought their costumes were the cutest. The boys ended up leaving & now it was time for you & Suga look for your costumes. You were walking around & saw a PB & J costume. You called Suga & asked if you guys can try them on. He was a bit iffy, but saw your excitement & agreed. You both got out of the dressing rooms & looked into the mirror. You began bursting in tears of laughter on how funny but adorable you two looked. Suga was not a fan, but he did ask if you wanted the costume. "Y/N, if you like this costume then let's buy them." You responded with, "Suga, that look in your face is telling me you don't like this costume. Let's look for another one." You gave him a smile, and asked him to at least take a mirror picture in them.

You guys resumed & tried on another 3 costumes. You guys tried on shark costumes, pig costumes, & Pokémon costumes. Suga was Ash & you dressed up as Pikachu. He was not a fan of any but you at least got mirror selfie's. You asked him, "Suga, so is there any idea of a certain costume you like?" You were beginning to become annoyed but tried your best not to bring the mood down. He said, "I really like classic costumes. Maybe like something in the 20's or 50's. Or a costume of a classic movie like Mary Poppins or the Wizard of Oz." From there, your brain clicked and you guys went to look for 20's costumes. All the costumes there at the store seemed in cheap quality & were a bit pricey. So you guys grabbed some accessories like, gloves for you, a cute black laced with black jewels head piece, a hat for him, fake cigs, & some other stuff.

From there, you guys left to a thrift store & bought a dress for you. You told him if you can call Asahi if he can fix up some costumes for you two. (You know, since Asahi is a fashion designer after all. LOL) He agreed & you guys waited for Asahi to show up to the thrift store. Asahi liked the dress you got & had instantly thought of an idea. For Suga, you guys went to another store, bought a white dress shirt, a black vest, & a burgundy & black suit. He also bought a black bow tie & vintage dress shoes. Thanks to Asahi for coming along, you guys finally had your outfits ready!

*Time skip to a week & a half later"

Asahi took about a week & a half to get your dress ready. He ended up taking the dress to your house. Suga offered to pay but he insisted not to pay him. Instead, he asked if you can make him some of your delicious rice balls, & you agreed. Asahi had both of you try on your costumes. When you guys did, Suga was so happy, you couldn't help but smile at his excitement. Asahi said, "you two look so nice! You guys will have eyes all over you."

*Time skip to the day of Halloween party*

"Y/N, are you ready?! It's almost time to go!!" Suga yelled from downstairs. You were rushing to finish up your makeup. Suga was very patient with you, but when the man had somewhere to go, he liked to be a little punctual. Plus, you knew how excited he was. You giggled and responded with, "Yes Suga, I just need to put on my lashes, my necklace, heels, & perfume." When he heard you say that, he rushed upstairs and says, "let me help you." You put on your lashes and he helped you put on your necklace. He looks at you from the mirror and goes, "you're very beautiful Mrs. Sugawara." You couldn't help but blush. He then gave you a sweet but soft kiss on your neck. He helped you put on your heels, you helped him put on his bow tie then you guys took a couple selfies & mirrored selfies.

Suga went to get the car ready while you packed your necessities in your purse. You had a cute burgundy with gold clutch for your costume but also you packed a regular sized purse with necessities just in case. Before you stepped out the house, he asked if you had everything ready. You smiled and nodded and he opened the car door for you.

You guys finally arrive to Oikawa's house. You guys saw about 30 cars parked outside. You mentioned to Suga, "man, Oikawa is super popular." Suga parked a little far from Oikawa's house. He was a little bummed because you guys arrived about an hour & a half late. He wanted to get good parking so you wouldn't have to walk far. He opened the door for you & he held your hand as you guys walked to the Halloween party. As you guys walked in, Oikawa greeted you both with hugs, & told you two how amazing you looked. He had a photographer at the door. You guys posed & the photographer gave your guys a copy of the picture in a Polaroid.

Suga & yourself were complimented almost the whole night. You guys ate, had a couple of drinks, (well mainly you because Suga was your D.D.), & you guys danced your butts off. You guys also ended up winning, "Best Halloween costume" and won a cute trophy & a $50 gift card for a famous restaurant.

Once you guys got home, Suga helped you take off your makeup, your outfit, & slipped you into your nightgown. Suga put the trophy & couple Polaroids you guys had on your nightstand. He Princess carried you into bed, & laid down next to you holding you close. He said, "Thank you beautiful for a fun night. You really looked amazing. Sorry I was a bit difficult when we were costume shopping. I still can't believe we won the contest! I love you, Ms. Sugawara." He then gave you a kiss on the forehead & fell asleep holding you.

[rogue-barnes-16]

SECRETS (part II/IV)

Summary: Detectives James Barnes and Y/n Y/l/n never really got along, despite being partners for seven months. You could say they hated each other, however, when James' past shows up threatening to break him all over again, the truth about their feelings comes to the surface.

Pairing: cop!Bucky Barnes x cop!Reader

Genre: angsty

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack

Warnings: abusive ex-partner, mentions of toxic relationship, hungover, scars

A/N: I'm back from my brief hiatus(?) yayy! I'm still feeling super insecure about my writing so if you see something I'm doing wrong or something that I should improve, tell me. Tomorrow I'll post the next part of The Protege, but now enjoy <3.

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist (you can find part I there)

The moment my eyes fluttered open, my hands gripped the sheets I had gotten tangled with, trying to suppress a loud groan the would have just made my head pound harder.

I stirred and turned my head to the man lying besides me as a proof of the bizarre events that my mind remembered from the night before.

This time I was unable to hold back a now regretful groan, which ended up shaking him awake.

"what the- Fuck" he sat up, pressing the heels of his hands against his shut eyes. "fuck fuck fuck fuck"

I shifted my position in a way that I had a perfect view of his bare back.

And that view made my heart clench, because it made me remember what I wanted to talk about without him in first place.

It also proved me that, sadly, there was no way in hell that I was wrong. The patterns of the scars were signs of domestic violence without a doubt.

"Barnes" I called him, not daring to move. "we still have to talk." my voice sounded demanding, but still tender and quiet.

"what 'bout?" his eased voice almost made me doubt my gut feeling, because after all, those scars could be something else.

But then he put his shirt faster than normal, and before even putting on his underwear.

"Dot." his shoulders tensed for a moment, but he did his best to hide it from me. "what happened between the two of you?" I didn't want to ask it directly, so I decided to take the long way.

"c'mon Y/l/n" he let out a humorless laugh, getting up to put on his underwear and pants. "You're the smartest detective I've ever worked with" I managed to hide my surprise at the compliment and I sat up on the bed. "do you really need to fuckin' ask?"

"yeah" he glared at me, leaning over the bed to grab his jacket. "Barnes for fucks sake" I let out a groan, falling back on the bed after I had seen him get out of my apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

I got in the precinct an hour or so before my shift actually started, but, honestly, I couldn't care less.

I made a bee line to my desk, not bothering on greeting my colleagues "Hey man, are you okay?" Wilson asked, probably noticing how bad I looked like due to the hungover.

"always" I curtly replied, grabbing the manila folders Y/n had been working on, and displaying it in front of me.

"Bucky?" I didn't even need to spare a glance at Steve to see his worried gaze. "what are you doing here? You don't-"

"got a problem" I muttered low enough for only us to hear it. "I- Y/n and I-"

"Please don't tell me that-"

"yeah" I replied before he finished his question. "we were drunk and-"

"Oh c'mon man" Steve sighed and I let myself fall on the chair while he kept pacing besides me. "with her out of everyone? You had to fuck your co-worker, who you've been pinning over for the last four months?"

"Listen, jerk that's not the important thing right here" I hissed, leaning over the desk to be closer to him. "she knows."

"she knew the moment that Dot showed up" he replied, sitting over my desk. "why does it matter anymore though? The trials start in a week."

"I didn't want her to know" I confessed, running my hands over my short hair. "not now, not like this."

"well there's no going back, pal" Steve said with a sad note on his voice. "you gotta- oh, there she goes" squeezing my shoulder, he got up and walked to his own desk. "Mornin' Y/l/n. Isn't it a bit early?"

"I have work to do" she replied emotionless, looking for the folders on her desk. When she didn't find them, she silently walked to stand besides me and, leaning over my desk, she started to grab the folders.

"I won't tell anyone" she whispered in a tone much softer than I expected. "it's your place to do it so don't worry" with that, she came back to her desk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was midnight and Y/n and I hadn't spoken since our brief exchange of words in the morning. Now that we were the last ones left in the department, it was impossible for us not to chat with the other.

It was Y/n who started the conversation.

"Hey listen" she called in low voice, walking to my desk to sit besides me. "I'm sorry for pushing you. I just-" she sighed, scratching her arm distractedly. "I-I just wanted to be wrong, and then" pursing her lips, she spared me a nervous look. "I don't know"

I glanced at her for a moment and, after taking a deep breath, I spoke. "I fell for her when I was really young" I stated. "Hell, I fell hard" she peaked at me, leaving the pencil she was using over the papers. "she was so charming. We got married when I was twenty-six"

"That's..." she looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face. "that's nine years"

"not really" I scratched my neck, feeling Y/n's eyes on me. "we took lots of breaks" I tried focusing on the reports in front of me. "things went south during the last three years, though. We fought. A lot." I scoffed "I loved her so I always blamed myself-"

"Bucky" she cut me off in the most tender way possible. "we- you don't- we don't have to talk about it." before I could tell her that I wanted- no, that I needed to, she spoke again. "unless you want to."

I nodded. "one day I came home late. We argued and she... Uh... Slapped me." I shrugged, not daring to look at Y/n. "and I thought, she's worried, don't mind it." Y/n stayed quiet for me to tell her the rest of the story. "slaps turned into things being thrown at me, and then... Well, you already saw it."

"Your back." I nodded at her guess. "Bucky, those are some serious scars." I just shrugged, not knowing what to answer. "what the hell did she use?"

"what does it look like?"

"I didn't look at them enough to-" I started to unbutton my shirt to take it off. "you sure of what you're doing?" I nodded, leaving the shirt aside. "Okay uh" she stood up and hesitantly traced the scars with her fingers "those three ones gotta be from a belt."

"they are"

"well then she's strong as fuck" I let out a nervous chuckle while she inspected the rest of the scars. "this one... Did she stab you"

My nod was almost unnoticeable "That's the last one"

"I wanna believe that this burn here" her fingers ghosted over it. "isn't one of them." she sighed, grabbing my shirt and handing it to me.

I realized too late my hands were shaking too much for me to be able to button up my shirt. When she noticed this, she kneeled in front of me and did it for me.

"the last time we were together, she ended up stabbing me" her jaw clenched.

"I'm guessing she came here" she got up and came back to her chair. "because you brought a lawsuit against her?"

I nodded, clenching my fists a few times in an attempt to calm my nerves. "she showed up in my house yesterday. That's why I was in the bar."

READER'S P. O. V.

"what are you gonna do tonight?" That question didn't really need to be asked, but still, I did.

"I'll stay in the break room" he replied distracted. "tomorrow I'll figure something"

Without thinking twice, I casually suggested "come to my place"

He shot me a perplexed glance "and then what?" before I could even think about replying, he spoke again. "we fuck again?"

I couldn't help but snort with a note of bitterness in my laugh. "I'm trying to be nice, what the fuck was that?"

"not sure" he muttered absently, a frown forming between his eyebrows. "I'm sorry, I think I'm too tired"

I sighed "yeah, me too" I looked up at the clock and, taking a deep breath, I spoke again "we should go home"

"we?"

"yeah" I got up, not wanting to face him for some reason I could not pinpoint. "You're staying at my place remember?"

"Y/n" he called me "there's still a week left for the trials"

"I think" I grabbed my things and put on my jacket "that we're more than capable of standing each other for a week"

I heard him standing up and I finally turned around to face him again. "Y/n, you don't have to-"

"Oh shut up" I said cut him off, throwing him his jacket. "I bet if it was Steve, you wouldn't be so hesitant"

"of course I wouldn't" he admitted, letting out a chuckle. "he's my bestfriend"

"then- I dunno" I shrugged with a grin on my face while we made our way out. "pretend I'm Steve, but stop complaining"

"That's-" he snorted falling into step with me. "that's so fucking weird"

"why? 'cause we fucked?" there was a beat of silence, but when I looked at him, we both burst into fit laughs.

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

"yeah, because we fucked" I confirmed, looking ahead of us with a smile dancing on my lips. "Where's your place, by the way?"

"what the hell? you were there last night." she shook her head a couple of times with a grin pulling the corners of her mouth. "I guess you were too drunk."

"so were you"

"yeah, but I still know where's my place" she stated proudly.

"what the f- Y/n, that's because it's your place." a snort escaped her lips. "which way, genius?"

"This way, jerk" she placed a hand on my back to guide me and, despite the thick jacket, I could still feel it's warm.

It was in that moment that I realized her touch somehow soothed me, and I found myself wishing she didn't let go of me.

[pbandjesse]

My jaw is hurting me a bunch right now. Sinus pressure I think. Which has got me bummed. But today was an excellent day. And thats really cool.

I slept alright last night. Had weird dreams. But i woke up feeling good. It was a bit to hot again. But i felt cute in my outfit and was having a good morning.

I enjoyed my morning. Just chilled for a while. I decided to go show my sculpture to the dentist but i accidently broke off one of the roots/legs of the thing so i had to fix it. But they are still really excited about it. They kept asking me if I came up with the idea and were really nice about it. It was cool.

But because it was broke and I didn't want to carry it around with me. I didn't want it to get worse. So I biked right back home to drop it off. I glued it back together while I was there so it would be dry when I got home. And then I left.

I biked down towards the Harbour. And I went to Chipotle. I got nachos and a soda. I ended up giving half of my nachos and cheese to a homeless guy outside. I rinsed off my soda cup and gave him ice water two. I felt bad giving him a spicy food if I didn't also give him a drink. And it was way too hot outside. And he was being nice holding the door for everyone who came in and out of the store. It just felt like the right thing to do.

I went back and got the bus to work. I walked in the school at 12:30 and Tiffany was getting there too. I went to get the lunches and everyone else slowly got together while we figured out where we were supposed to meet with our kids. A whole bunch of stuff went down in the interim so we ended up leaving almost a half an hour late. I have so much more sympathy for field trips now than I ever did before. Because trying to Corral 65 kids and about 20 adults was way harder than I thought it would be. And there was a teacher who holds on to some of the kids phones during school time and she wouldn't give two of my kids the phones back because it was still daytime but we're leaving the building and won't be back until almost 7 and it was just a whole thing. And then one child was approved to go but his younger sister wasn't so then he got really upset. It all ended up being fine and we all got on the bus but was very upsetting for a few minutes. I had to reassign groups because of some drama. But everybody seemed fairly happy with who they were partnered with. We got on the bus and Chelsi sat at the very back and I sat in the middle at the end of where our kids and the next group of kids started. I had Mackenzie come and sit next to me and that was perfect. Because both of us just want to listen to wear headphones and be quiet. Everyone else sat in their groups and off we went.

It was a pretty long drive out to LOL station. About an hour. But it was a nice ride. I listen to music for a bit. A little bit of a podcast. It was nice. We got there and there was confusion about where we were supposed to go in so we drove around the parking lot for a while but it was all good we got there and got inside.

My group was really good about staying together and being with their partner. I was very proud of them. The police was inside of a mall. Which is a weirdly popular thing in Baltimore or Maryland. Having big attractions in malls. But that was cool. We got there and their condition wasn't working super well so it's a little warm but not the worst thing. I was very sweaty by the end of the day but I had a really good time. It was extra good because there was no other people there. That was excellent! Because then I don't have to worry about someone kidnapping my child. Or getting lost in a crowd. It was just us. It was great.

It was decided that Mackenzie would be my buddy for the day. Because she felt like she was a little bit too mature for all the other kids. So we went on the roller coaster together. Which was really just a small spinning one on the ground but that was great.

I don't like heights anyway.

We did the bumper cars. And we did the two obstacle courses that they had. I liked the inflatable obstacle course better than the other one which was more like a ninja challenge. Because I couldn't get up the ninja challenge wall and had to go up the easier one. I still beat Mackenzie all three times. Even when I had my sock fall off in the middle of one of the races.

I prefer the inflatable one though because it had two big slides in it and I really enjoyed that. I wish I could just have done the slide part. It was still really really fun.

We had lunch a little after 3:30. We had brought sandwiches for all the kids but most of them brought money so that they could get something else as well. I bought french fries and shared some of them with my students that didn't have money. And it was really nice. Right after lunch we were allowed to use the roller skating rink. And I have never in my life used four wheel roller skates. I only ever use the inline kind when I was a kid. So this was a new experience.

And I had a blast! I first the skates I got on where to big. I didn't realize they were men sizes. So I had to go and change and get size fours. Which put me way better. And I was able to skate forwards and backwards. I was able to do a couple small tricks that I can do with figure skating. I wasn't as good at first but by the end of the half-hour I was skating around them like crazy. I hope the couple of the kids but it's hard to explain how to push on skates and a lot of them were doing the shuffle thing and it does not work very well on four wheeled skates. So there's a lot of kids on the ground. But I'm really glad that they all got to try. It was a lot of fun. But oh my God was I sweaty.

Just overwhelmingly hot. But we were finishing up and everyone got together and threw their cups away once we all have water. And then we went to get on the bus to go home.

We were leaving after 5 so there was a lot of traffic. And that was hard on some of the kids. About half of the little kids fell asleep and three or four of mind it as well. Including Mackenzie who fell asleep on me which was absolutely precious. I just lay there and listen to my podcast and enjoyed the ride.

We got back to the school at 6:30. And all of my kids got picked up and it was time to go home. Miss Elaine and Marcus give me a ride home. My bike was still at streets though so once they drop me off I walked home for a second and then walk down to get my bike and then came home. I made dinner and worked on fixing the tooth sculpture. I took a shower. Washed my hair again because I was so sweaty. And now I'm laying in bed. I'm going to go to sleep soon probably. I want to watch scary videos even though they always freaked me out. And then tomorrow I get to see James. We're going to celebrate our one-year anniversary and I'm very much looking forward to it. We have a full day planned. We're going to be disgusting and romantic and it's going to be great.

Sleep well everyone. Be safe out there.

[diary-of-a-teenage-cultleader]

Diary Entry #2:

Today's Date is Sunday Oct. 3rd, 2021. Current time: 11:00pm

Dear Diary and to anyone who reads this,

Today I woke up late again. Staying up late like this probably isn't good for me but I've been tossing and turning. I've been feeling a bit odd all week but overall okay. My biological mom has been really snippy with me for not cleaning the house as often because I'm supposed to clean everything pretty much. I'll get more into that situation later.

Today me and J watched my favorite musical, after he got back from work, we were gonna play in the switch but he didn't have the online membership so we ended up watching the movie instead. He really enjoyed the movie and I was glad, he liked the music and everything! J is so cool in all honesty, I accidentally ended up gushing about him to my friends...we'll call them Doll, and Madre. I'll get back to them too. I wanted to express quickly the dream that I had of J which I typed down this morning.

"I had a dream that me and J went to a a weird snowy "mountain" area (is was more like a glorified hill) but at the top theres tables where you can break and eat. I feel like I've had this dream before and I'm curious if its a real place but it was beautiful the white snow was shiny and the mountain was high enough you could see plenty of frozen water. We ate food together and looked at the view."

I really do dream to see these things with him sometimes but I don't wanna see overly obsessed with him so ill move forward. I think I might just be hyperfixated lol 😅

So tomorrow I will be hanging out with my "adoptive parents" which is just this millenial couple I met, I'm super excited because I haven't spoken with them in a long time and I miss checking up on them. My adoptive dad (AD) and adoptive mom (AM) are really cool! AD has his own art account and encourages my art, he likes to bully me but in a loving way which makes me really happy. He never really puts me down like my bio dad. And AM is so kind to me, she babies me a bit but not in an annoying way, she makes me feel like a special kid compared to my actual bio mom, which I wanted to speak more on. My bio mom today got snippy with me because she had to clean the living room, I've been dealing with a bad leg injury for a couple of days now and haven't been able to do much. She gets mad at me but won't get mad at my little brother who doesn't even do anything. I'm stuck being the maidboy of the house just because I live here. I'm not in work or school but I'm working to fix my mental health and she's not been very helpful. I know it could be worse and I could be back with my abusive bio dad but sometimes I feel underappreciated and like I can't do anything else but clean and that is all I'm good for.

I ranted about my mom and gushed about J to Doll and Madre and it was nice. Doll is super happy for me and I love her so much. J really wants to meet her as well which makes me super excited. I know Doll is super excited to meet him too. I'm still just a bit traumatized from bringing my ex into my friend group. I know it's not my fault and J isn't like that but I'm still getting used to this safe feeling I have with him. Doll showed me her new characters she rolled for in the game we play. Madre was super invested in her work but we watched a movie together today too! Madre's cousin came in and interrupted our movie halfway in, which was annoying, but I don't care enough about him to rant about it. The movie was really good and one of my current hyperfixations. We chatted for a bit and joked. I really missed talking to them; I also miss my best friend, GT (for Goliath twink). GT has been really busy with his boyfriend but its always fun talking to him. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him soon! I'm getting a bit tired now of writing so I'll finish this off with saying that from the last entry J seems to be doing better with his friend and they're hanging out tomorrow which is why I've got some time to myself tomorrow so I'm excited! That's all for now! See you tomorrow.

-JB

SRMD:

RIIST:

[imasucker-4-memories]

hi hi me again!!

awwww YAY!!! i’m so happy you were able to go and have a good time!! 🥰💖 i’m not exactly sure what type of convention that is but it sounds interesting!! conventions look so fun to go to!!!

awwww please you’re so precious!! 🥺🥺🥺 wouldn’t mind you throwing hands with the weather tbh 😭 it’s looking like it’s probably gonna rain on and off all week unfortunately, but am just gonna stay in bed and be cozy!! today i’m just watching some anime and cartoons!! i recently started snow white with the red hair on hulu and it’s been so adorable so far!! have you seen it? 🥰 what’s your day looking like so far? i really hope it’s going well!! 🥺💖

i would be down for a code name!! i’m not the greatest with coming up with names myself but if there’s anything that’ll help you remember me, i don’t mind going by that name! 🥰 that’s really sweet that you think of me as well!! it made me so happy to hear that!! i worry about annoying people too much 😅

please take care of yourself and make sure you’re hydrated and fed and get in some rest!!! 💖💖💖

Hello and welcome back!!

It was so much fun!! I'm so glad I went and got to enjoy with some of my best friends☺️ it's a boardgame convention! So there were boardgames galore that you could try out and buy, and people cosplaying (there was a contest for that I wish I saw), there were larping events and places to buy that stuff, anime booths, a magic the gathering tournament and a ton of other different booths! It was awesome too because it wasn't just some of the big names that everyone knew but really tiny companies and indie developers too. I bought a boardgame called Fire Tower, never heard of it until I was at the booth, but it's so much fun and easy to play! Same with a game called Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza😂 played it with my group and random people and had the time of my life. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. I can't wait to go next year and go to more conventions🥰

I'll make sure weather never hurts you again, and when it comes back that it'll be nice to you about it😡😡😡yeah it's supposed to rain all week here too and get a bit cold these coming days but I don't mind because I love wearing hoodies and flannels🥰 but staying in bed all cozy is always a solid plan! God I wish that were me this morning😭 I slept super late last night and had to get up early, fell asleep multiple times at work and just got up from a two hour nap that was initially supposed to be a half hour😂 but it could have been worse. Flaked on some errands because I was so tired from work but there's always tomorrow!

That sounds like a good day! What're your favorite animes/cartoons? I have not! Haven't even heard of it but I looked it up and it looks super cute! What's it about? Maybe I'll watch it tonight☺️💖

I don't want to give you a nickname you won't like😂 I initially wanted to go with letter M. Just felt good saying out loud, ya know? But what's your favorite animal? Maybe we can refer you as that☺️ I don't I'd ever forget you, I wouldn't want to anyways😌

Aww I'm glad I can make you happy! Well you don't annoy me at all!! I anticipate hearing from you☺️💕

Take care of yourself too!! Stay well and the same to you! I hope to hear back soon☺️💖💖💖

[mycheriejubilee-blog]

[ I don't own this photo, creds to owner!! ]

93/100 days of 100 days of productivity challenge!!!

10:07 PM | Apr. 9 | 2019 | I felt a bit scrambled today, yet quite peaceful. I woke up.. kind of early? I had enough time and energy to make a good breakfast.

Today's episode of Black Clover was good, but they did waste like 10 min on recap and talking. Tomorrow is Shield Hero! ^^

I participated a decent amount in all of my classes! I completed all my work. In all honesty, my workload feels light, not complaining though. Even the assignment I turned in, was quite easy. Well, in my opinion anyways. It was mainly about using formulas to find the answer.

I didn't write much, but I did come up with a few ideas for possible powers they could have? But they only need to have 1, so I'll make more characters if I want. Ever since my emotional breakdown, I've been thinking a lot more than usual.

I was doing so well, yet I broke down because a boy was in my presence. The cause for my breakdowns... people. I don't understand why this... unsightly part of me had to come out now. This pathetic, weak side, who can't fend for herself. I hate even thinking about it. Because I know... that part of me will reveal my true feelings... and I am not yet ready to show them to anyone. That is the real me. So vulnerable, sensitive, and lonely. I just want to change...

Anyways, I went to a hair salon. The woman that fixed up my hair was super fast!! She took 1 hour to untangle all of my hair..? And she braided my hair into two braids in 30 min. Last time I went she took like 3 hours!! But the person who fixed my hair last time wasn't there.

So now I have pretty braids in my hair! I believe they're french braids. I was so relaxed the whole time! Other than the moments it really hurt, I felt sleepy the whole time! The lady who untangled and braided my hair was very nice and friendly. Afterwards, my mom got me a wide-toothed comb, hair clips, and hair picks.

I'm also really enjoying Naruto! We're almost done with season 3! I have watched it before, just couldn't understand it. So it feels as if I'm watching it for the first time! I love it! The story and the characters are just so,,, real. I would totally go on a huge rant, but I should pray and get to bed soon.

And... I kind of snapped at my dad. Goodness, I'm really on the edge. I wish I never had to encounter him! The only thing good that came out of it was that I got to hear that voice,,, it sounds so nice and beautiful. It was a BLESSING to hear his voice. But, everything else... has made me feel things I do not want to feel right now. It's all just distractions.

I feel bad for kind of yelling at my dad. I'll explain a bit to him tomorrow, but of course that doesn't justify my actions. It's just, if I don't, I won't stop thinking about it. And I feel that my dad deserves to hear why.

I hope everything goes okay. Oh! My parent's anniversary is tomorrow. I can't believe my mom forgot! Usually the stereotype is that the man always forgets. And I know my mom is forgetful, but I didn't know she would need to be reminded when it's her marriage? I guess my mom really has been having a lot on her mind when she goes from having all that work, then being able to relax. I pray my mom and dad equally are satisified with their gifts and the celebration.

Lastly, the dog is going home tomorrow afternoon, something like that. The dog is so cute. T-T. The original owners don't even take proper care of him! He isn't properly groomed, his hair was quite knotted up, he hasn't taken a bath, and he usually always comes here sick! Thankfully, nothing was wrong with him when he came.

Anyways!!!! It's getting very late. Stay safe, stay hydrated, and take care of yourselves!!

~ Valentina 🕊