#but i wanted to focus on the happiness in their love before the tragedy hits

[monotonous-minutia]

I spent like a week working on this like it was some kind of school project.

anyway here's a thing I made.

[saltywinteradult]

How would you have written 2x08 to be both pro Rhaenicent and pro Alicent/Team Green?

Gonna focus on the writing of Alicent here, as the show's treatment of the greens is such a big issue that I don't really have the spoons for right now. For the record, my issues with s2 in general and how Alicent and Rhaenicent were handled would unfortunately not be entirely solved by only rewriting 2x08. I'd need to rewrite every episode starting with 1x08.

If I were to only rewrite 2x08, well, first of all I would not make Alicent say she was "very fond" of her rapist husband. That line alone is... well, it's up there with Sansa crediting her abusers for making her strong 🤢 Removing that line alone would do a lot to make Alicent retain some agency and dignity.

I also just... would not have Alicent defect from the greens at all. I'd have her decide that the misunderstanding over the prophecy (which was a stupid and unnecessary plot point to begin with) doesn't matter. Even if this was all a misunderstanding it's too late to turn back and her family’s in danger, so she decides she's gonna do everything she can to protect her family instead of sacrificing one of her kids to save the others. Seriously, the real Alicent, the Alicent who violently attacked the love of her life on Driftmark in anger over her son's maiming would die before betraying her family like that. I will die mad about this character assassination. (Please do not try to convince me that this was not a character assassination - I've had it up to here with people trying to convince me that making Alicent betray her family was A Brilliant And Feminist Storytelling Choice, Actually.)

At this point in the story Alicent and Rhaenyra should be sworn enemies - sworn enemies who still miss each other deep down to be sure, but sworn enemies all the same. So I wouldn't make Alicent go meet Rhaenyra at all. I love seeing Emma and Olivia on screen together as much as anyone, but I don’t think the show is in danger of being cancelled anytime soon, so I don’t see anything wrong with putting that off until next season. Here's how I'd like that to go - book spoilers ahead.

Having Rhaenyra and Alicent remain enemies by the end of s2 would make their reunion when Rhaenyra takes King’s Landing hit all the harder, even moreso if we also remove the sept scene from episode 3. Like, they haven’t seen each other in a long time and they thought they hated each other, only to come face to face again and have a total ”oh fuck” moment in which they both realise that to some extent they do hate each other, and yet they still miss each other. They still love each other, but with so many war crimes and murdered children in the baggage, neither of them can forgive the other. Isn't that just so deliciously tragic?

Much like in the book I'd like for Rhaenyra to execute the rest of the greens but spare Alicent. In the book she said that was for the sake of Viserys's love for Alicent; she could say that in the show too, only it's really because she can't bear to execute Alicent. (It's hardly the first time one of these two used Viserys as a shield: "Your husband? Or you, his daughter's childhood companion?") But Rhaenyra also can’t set her enemy free, so she takes Alicent prisoner and hates every minute of it. Like @standbehindhousestark put it so brilliantly here, "imagine the queen in chains arc with the canon hostility mixed with their queer past." Can you imagine what incredible toxic homoerotic interactions we could get out of that? Maybe even have them on the brink of actually getting together, only for Helaena's death to drive them apart once and for all as Alicent blames Rhaenyra for it? I don't know exactly how I'd want it to play out, but as I have repeated ad nauseam, due to the story itself being a tragedy I think a tragic ending to their relationship would be more satisfying than a happy one. What can I say, I'm a tragedy enjoyer first and a human being second.

[symphonybracket]

YouTube links: Tchaikovsky 6, Mahler 1

Comments:

Mahler 1

cmon there's evil frere jacque in this symphony it's the best thing ever

The beginning is so beautiful… and very reminiscent of the Star Trek intro!

It's SO MUCH. The first two movements are gorgeous. Putting minor key "are you sleeping brother john" and then klezmer wedding music in the middle of it is the funniest thing anyone's ever done AND THEN CYMBAL CRASH an absolute deluge of sound and the most epic f***ing music ever (Wagner can go eat his socks). You have to love it.

Tchaikovsky 6

Everyone bangs on about the 4th movement but it's the 3rd movement that really hits

tchaik 6 is what i would listen to if i had an hour to live

the 5/4 movement of the tchaik lives rent free in my mind and i think about it every day

It’s beyond gorgeous. The melodies soar, the orchestra swells, and you just need to lie down for a while after listening to it. It’s Romanticism at its zenith. You want to weep and sigh, and it’s impossible to listen to it without literally feeling something.

Symphony No. 6, titled “Pathétique”, was Tchaikovsky’s final symphony. It is an intensely emotional piece, and to many scholars demonstrates the emotional turmoil that characterized much of Tchaikovsky’s life. He died about a week after its premiere, a fact which leads many scholars to debate about whether the content of the piece itself reflects the possibility that he may have committed suicide. The title itself is often translated to mean “impassioned suffering”, although this was most likely a later addition by Modest and not actually part of Tchaikovsky’s vision. Given these facts, many scholars interpret this piece to be about death and suffering. However, this piece can also be seen to represent life and all its contrasting moments. This interpretation is more holistic and inclusive of all of the moments captured in this piece, and also serves to break down the common narrative of Tchaikovsky as a tragic figure.

More comments about Tchaikovsky 6 below the cut (length warning):

Scholarship surrounding Tchaikovsky’s music tends to focus heavily on the ways his confliction over his homoerotic desires appears in his writing. However, his personal letters reveal a much more balanced understanding of himself that goes beyond the common narrative. In one letter written to Modest describing a new relationship with another man, he writes: “I awoke today with a feeling of unknown happiness and with a complete absence of that emotional sobriety that used to make me repent in the morning for having gone too far the day before.” Many of the letters he wrote regarding his relationships demonstrate no shame and no anguish beyond what can be expected of a man living in a homophobic society. It is important to take this information into account when listening to a piece such as this one that has been discussed so frequently, and to understand it beyond the turmoil and strife that it is seen to represent. Like many of Tchaikovsky’s works, this symphony displays a range of human emotions. It is not only representative of tragedy and “impassioned suffering”; it is a depiction of what it is like to live. It is also interesting to note that this piece is used as a signifier of queer desire in the novel "Maurice" by E.M. Forster, a novel also notable for its radical portrayal of a queer man who gets a happy ending. Much to think about there.

The first movement begins with a lone bassoon soloist playing a plaintive minor melody, which later comes back in the strings. As the movement progresses, it grows in intensity and texture. More instruments are added, and the music becomes more frantic, building and building towards the dramatic trumpet fanfare. Throughout this piece, Tchaikovsky continues to make significant use of contrasting dynamics and melodies, reflecting the emotions he hopes to convey through the music. Dramatic, tumultuous sections are interspersed with pastoral woodwind melodies, and the angry brass fanfares give way to a quiet ending.

The second movement is reminiscent of a waltz, and uses the strings and woodwinds more than the brass to achieve its floating melodies. The dynamics ebb and flow to build tension, but this movement never reaches the same levels of anguish that the previous movement does. Tchaikovsky makes use of pizzicato in the strings to convey a lighter, more cheerful mood, and features the upper woodwinds prominently. He also repeats themes frequently, giving the audience something familiar to listen out for as the movement progresses.

The third movement begins with frantic energy in the strings and woodwinds. As more instruments join the rush of music, the underlying eight note accompaniment does not let up, continuing the vivacious beginning through the whole movement. Instruments pass the melodies between each other and engage in conversations across the orchestra. Like the first movement, the brass play a prominent role in creating dramatic climaxes in the music, as well as supporting the march-like conclusion. Conductor Myung-Whun Chung describes the deceptively dramatic ending as, “one of the greatest, most thrilling, but most empty of victories in musical history,” observing that this movement has the energetic finality of a final movement. The reversal of having the true finale be a slower movement represents a shift away from the “Beethovian model of light over darkness” common in most other symphonies of this time period.

As mentioned before, ending on a movement with a slow tempo was a significant shift away from the standard of the time. This innovation inspired many other future composers to use the same technique, most notably Mahler in his Ninth Symphony. The quiet beginning builds up towards a chaotic rush of fast runs throughout the orchestra, only to stop abruptly and continue in halting, cautious bursts of melody. The movement continues with this cycle of rushing up to a climax and backing away as the movement progresses. Tchaikovsky highlights the horns in this movement, giving them both angry, blaring notes which cut through the string melodies and the flowing, lyrical lines that are passed throughout the orchestra. As the piece ends, the instruments fall away until all that is left are steady repeated notes in the basses, bringing this lament of a movement to an understated close.

[jackietaylorsghost]

i'm curious, do you know why or have and theories on why they make cloti kiss but clerith only hug/hold hands? I was thinking that clerith is more pure and their love is slowly blossoming aka slowburn which I find cute and very fitting for them but the clerith shipper in me is angry bc I would have loved to see them kiss LOL what are your thoughts?

I’ll be real with you, I don’t think either ship should have had a kiss yet and im astonished CT did and how it happened, i think its spoiled all the build up having it there when they’ve been arguing a lot and that it would have been so much more poignant after the LS sequence but now the moment is gone on a poorly framed kiss they’re never going to talk about again bcus it has no relevance to the plot. Thats why they have them agree not to talk about it. I think it’s a shame for people who have waited for 27yrs for that moment. And then after it no matter what they all have to play as Cloud has many non optional romantic moments with Aerith in ch 13 + 14. Reviews have mentioned how off and disjoined it is. I think that’s why they made sure to emphasise before the game came out that the dates were meant to be fun but don’t impact the story. But id be pissed if id waited that long for a kiss and that’s how i got it. and especially that in one route cloud looks like a dick but in another he doesn’t; that should really tell them something about the story. Why they gave them one idk, but I kinda wonder if it was getting them on the hook for p3 cus the last 2 chapters made CT fans real mad (even if they’re pretending otherwise on main, ppl have seen their discord and they’re not happy).

I think CA don’t kiss for a few reasons:

Cloud has remembered Zack, albeit incorrectly, much earlier. Through the game he has instances of jealousy towards him and that becomes more uncomfortable and confusing once he’s remembered they were friends. This has just happed before the dates and why when they get on skywheel he’s a bit awkward and won’t sit beside her! Of course that doesn’t last long; it was either nojima or nomura but one of them said in remake that cloud tries to keep distance between him and Aerith but he can’t do it 🥰🥰 but Zack definitely makes him more reluctant and unsure. Even when he reaches to take her hand it’s slow and cautious bcus he doesn’t know if it’s okay. And of course it is!

Aerith is fully aware Cloud is not himself. On his GS date she tells him she’s trying so hard to find him but in case you missed that as you did a different date, she also says it again in the sleeping forest; that cloud should focus on the real him she’s been looking for and leave Sephiroth to her. She knows there’s something up and kissing him knowing that is not something I think Aerith would do.

CA are the love that could never be ship. In the trailer for the 97 game, that was what they were described as. Part of the tragedy of clerith is that they have these budding feelings but before they have a chance to go anywhere Aerith is murdered. In the original cloud realises the depth of his feelings too late: at the end he says ‘I think I understand now’ and then expresses his desire to meet Aerith in the promised land. And all crossover material he’s in emphasises that he’s always looking for her. They are a star crossed lovers ship. And cloud is also dense and emotionally a mess; yes he likes her clearly, he shows jealousy for Zack, he goes on dates with her, he holds her hand and looks so happy to do so, but he can’t put all those feelings he has and come up with the right answer. In the church she confesses and he doesn’t quite get it and she, linking to her resolution imo (don’t fall in love with me) drops it and apologises and hugs him instead. This is all in line with the OG, that he’ll be hit with the full force of his feelings and what she meant in p3. Remember he’s just said he wants to go on more dates to create more ‘our spots’ with her. She looks happy and then sad when he says this because yay he likes her he wants to do this again, but of course she knows what he doesn’t: that they are about to run out of time.

So that is why I think they don’t kiss. I think it makes sense they didn’t! But I do think they’ll kiss in p3 for sure.

[underforeversgrace]

the electricity within me surrounds me

DannyMay 2023 Day 8: Electric Core AU

(No I'm not over a week late what are you talking about???)

title: the electricity within me surrounds me

words: 1456

Summary/Excerpt? I don't really know how to describe this one so here's a singular line: Why was he having so much trouble controlling the static today?

~~~~~~

The surge under his skin made him grimace, deftly hiding the sparks that fizzled from him. Why was he having so much trouble controlling the static today? It had been months since the Accident had fried him like an old fuse. He hadn't had to deal with this since the first month or so. Yet today every slight brush of fabric on skin or gentle contact with anything metal made the sparks dance down his skin.

At least it wasn't painful like it had been those first few weeks, trying to hide the aftershocks of surviving through fatal electrocution.

He forced himself to ignore it, to ignore the now-familiar tingle of the electricity always surging beneath his skin, the hypersensitivity to it in everything around him.

Danny could feel the electrical current in his body, the shock his body created for every pump of his heart, the pulses of his thoughts. That alone was overwhelming and the fact he could feel the electricity traveling in the walls, in the ceiling, in the powerlines, had nearly driven him mad in the beginning. So much new sensory input, combined with his new naturally heightened hearing and vision, had been too much.

The portal beneath his bed sounded like a scream he couldn't escape.

Like all his new… everything, he had gotten used to it. Mostly. He’d adjusted. Still, that didn’t mean he was happy with the fact he felt like he was constantly licking a battery.

Still, Danny struggled to focus on the math test in front of him as pulses ran down every nerve. He almost wished he had Sam or Tuck in this class with him, they’d let him cheat off of them (after all, it’s not like him cheating would cause the death of everyone he loved and tragedy of world-ending proportions, that’d be too insane even for him). He did his best, answering questions with hopefully some modicum of success. This teacher gave partial credit for at least trying, so it wouldn’t be a flat out zero like all of his other classes at this point.

When the bell finally rang and he turned in his definitely-a-solid-attempt of a test in, he headed for his locker and promptly banged his head against it in aggravation. Which, considering he was basically a live wire today and the locker was made of metal… was not one of his best ideas.

“Ouch!” He said, jerking away and glaring at the locker like it was Skulker fucking with him at 3am again.

“Hitting your head against solid objects tends to hurt, I’ve been told.” Sam said, leaning against the lockers with a grin on her face.

Danny just grumbled something incoherently under his breath.

“Is everything o- ow!” She asked, trying to pat his shoulder comfortingly and getting shocked for her efforts. “The hell?”

“It’s been like that all day,” Danny whined. He glanced around the hall and made sure no one was looking their way before turning his hand intangible and shoving it through the locker to get his book for next class. He was not interested in getting shocked anymore than he had to. You’d think having what seemed to be a ghostly heart of electricity would give him some immunity to static shock but, nope, still hurt.

“Think it has to do with the storm?” She asked, keeping her distance from him now.

He’d never admit how much it hurt him that she had to do that when all he wanted was comfort yet all he was able to do was hurt her if she got too close.

“Storm? What storm? It’s just raining.”

“You really do miss everything, don’t you?” She teased. “Big storm is expected later today, it’s all Lance Thunder has been talking about for the past three days.”

It took everything Danny had to keep from slamming his head against the locker again. “I’ve been busy!”

“I know. But…” she trailed off, frowning slightly as she thought. “The storm is getting worse. Maybe you should go home if it’s already affecting you this bad? There’s not lightning yet, but…”

He groaned. “But if there is, I’m basically the pointy metal bit on the top of skyscrapers.”

“Bingo.”

Figures. He’d made it through half the day without leaving a single class to fight ghosts but now his own body was forcing him from the school. “Let Tuck know?” He asked, resigned.

“And make sure we take notes to cover what you missed. I know the drill by now.”

…had he really left so much that there was a drill to follow?

“Thanks.” He grumbled, intangibly shoving his books back into his locker.

“What’re friends for?” She teased and moved to bump his shoulder with hers, but caught herself before she actually made contact.

“Killing each other on accident?” He shot back, grinning. As traumatic as dying was, he refused to fixate on it. Even as it was trying to claw its way back through his skin. Maybe this was denial, though. Or just being used to pain like he was in now was just something he was so used to he managed to separate himself from it.

…even more reasons to never tell Jazz about his accident, then, because he was sure she’d have some very big, very complicated psychology words to describe him with.

“You’re fine, shut up.” She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Get outta here.”

Danny threw her an exaggerated salute then ducked towards the bathroom, sequestering himself in the last stall as he listened to boys enter and leave for the next several minutes until the tardy bell for the next class rang.

He felt when the first crash of lightning pierced the air outside, shortly after the last student had left the bathroom. Felt it charge through the air for less than a moment before fizzling away again, despite also for some reason being able to tell it had struck miles away. There was no pain, mercifully, but he suddenly felt more hopped up than that one time the summer before the Accident when he and Tuck had each downed ten energy drinks (that had been a wild night).

Yeah, Sam was right, he needed to go, and he needed to go now. He easily shifted into Phantom, the electric rings around him seeming brighter and more erratic than ever before. He was up and out immediately after, keeping hold of his intangibility as rain and wind buffeted through him, an odd sensation of cold going through his being.

He felt the next strike of lightning, though he saw this one, too, as it struck directly through him, cracked and jagged through the sky. Again, the feeling of way too much caffeine, though multiplied tenfold as the lightning seemed to go through that odd little ball of power Danny always felt in his chest.

If he was feeling that through his intangibility, maybe he should steer clear of large power sources. Like his house. Or… any forms of man made electricity. He quickly turned, changing his direction and blasting towards the edge of town, where woods surrounded Amity Park.

By the time he made it there and landed - still intangible - he’d been struck three more times in ten minutes. He had definitely made the right choice in getting far from civilization. He was so hopped up on power that electricity cackled from his every footstep, pools of energy left behind like footprints as he walked.

Danny grinned as he walked. He was amazed the continuous direct shocks of lightning didn't hurt but he so was not about to complain.

He pulled off his gloves, morbid curiosity taking hold of him. The Lichtenberg figures danced on his hand, glowing with pure white light, pulsing to a beat Danny couldn’t identify.

When lightning again struck him, he simply laughed and threw his arms out wide, absorbing the energy that made his scars glow brighter.

Right now, he felt no pain, no doubt, no fear, none of the emotions that had plagued him since he hit that button. All he felt was power, was control over the power. For something he had been so weary of for so long, he felt no concern now. His entire being was electricity, was power. And Danny wanted to get closer to it, to the sky, to the energy in the clouds only he could control.

So, he did. He flew, he ensconced himself within the storm, laughing with every powerful surge that went through him, until he was so full of power it almost felt like he was made of it.

He couldn’t help but wonder, as energy surged and soared within him, is this what it feels like to be a god?

[paeliae-occasionally]

Writeblr interview!

Thanks for the tags @drchenquill and @theink-stainedfolk.

Short stories, novels or poems?

I am currently only working on novels, but I consistently have to write little short stories when parts of the world come up that aren’t relevant to the story. I haven’t written a poem in a while, I might do that.

What genre do you prefer reading?

I read fantasy, sci-fi, the usual but then the other half of my bookshelf is physics and psychology books. I also read lots of books about Ancient Greece and Rome and have recently purchased one on Venice.

What genre do you prefer writing?

The world I am currently writing starts high fantasy then falls, so in the time of the main plot it is more of a general fantasy.

Are you a planner or a write-as-i-go kind of person?

I do plan because otherwise my vague concept of a story will never become a plot, but the outline can change as I go if I feel like another idea would be better.

What music do you listen to while writing the story?

I can’t listen to music while writing. It distracts me. I do however have a constant internal playlist and while working on Kell in the Xaeren WIP I have she used to be mine playing. It is not consistent.

Fav books/movies

Ooh, ok favourite books include: Strange the dreamer, Babel, Piranesi, The wind singer series and The mistborn series. I don’t really watch many movies.

Any Current WIPs?

Yep, They don’t have titles yet but the two I work on the most are Xaeren and Paeliae.

If someone were to make a cartoon out of you, what would your standard outfit be?

Dark blue cloak with many pockets for runes or spell components. I also hide trinkets in there. I would have a flowy blue starry top and black leggings. It would be very breathable and easy to move in and would blend in well with shadows.

Create a character description of yourself.

You look over to the side of the room, and there was nobody there. It was confusing, like a vacuum in space where you knew person should be but they just weren’t. They didn’t break the silence so you couldn’t hear their offer to join them at the table, yet you accepted all the same and sat down. Despite their absence they filled the chair opposite you and didn’t smile because they weren’t there. Still you could feel the amusement that managed to escape them.

Do you like incorporating people you actually know into your writing?

No. It feels weird to write real people. I do steal names but that is about it.

Are you kill-happy with the characters?

I don’t like killing heroes without good reason. I will do it to show stakes or for tragedy but for it to mean anything you have to use it sparingly.

Coffee or Tea while writing?

Neither. Lemonade sometimes.

Slow or Fast writer?

Depends on my mood. If I can focus I can write quite quickly but if I am not on task it takes ages to write anything.

Where/who/what do you find inspiration from?

daydreams, other people’s writing.

If you were put into a fantasy world, what would you be?

I would have magic even if I have to study for another 10 years to get there. Whoever I have to bribe or kill, I will get magic.

Fave book cliche?

Hmm… I love magic/action prologue then cut to our main character on a farm or in regular life somewhere. I use it all to much just to set a tone but it is a bit cliche.

Least fave book cliche?

I hate miscommunication. It can work in comedy settings but if you want a dramatic story and the threat to the characters could be resolved by a short conversation then I get frustrated.

Fave scenes to write?

Conversations. Especially conversations where something new is implied about a character. I love getting a vibe from a character’s dialogue and then seeing it come true later.

Most productive time of day for writing?

Whenever the motivation hits. I schedule writing for the morning around 8-10 I have to get stuff done.

Reason for writing?

The people have to go somewhere. I have had stories before that I have forgotten and it is so sad, I just want to put them somewhere more long lasting than my mind.

Tagging @illarian-rambling, @phoenixradiant, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @leahnardo-da-veggie and @the-golden-comet

[my-head-is-an-animal]

What She Deserves

Toby Ziegler x OFC (Kaitlin Stone)

Rating/Warnings: Implied Domestic/Sexual Abuse, Some Depictions of Violence, Smut 18+

Summary: Kaitlin Stone works with CJ, Toby has loved her for eight years, since the beginning of the campaign trail. Kaitlin's abusive boyfriend is the only thing standing in his way from getting what he wants and giving her what she deserves.

Chapter 25

Toby and I hadn’t spoken about New Year’s Eve. The shooting in Missouri was all hands-on deck for a while. Leo was orchestrating how the White House would deal with the death of five people in total.

     It had been a little stressful here and there, CJ was the one to give the news to the press, which made sense. I was keeping my eye on it, but we had no idea that anything this serious was going to happen.

     Toby had been rushing around with CJ to make sure we were out in front of the tragedy and were treating it as such.

     It was a difficult start to the year to say the least.

     It had been almost a month and we were leaving for California soon. Sam and CJ were the only senior staffers staying in the White House. Josh, Toby, Leo and I were accompanying the President to give a speech on the arts.

     The week before we left, I wanted to share the good news with Toby about what was going on in my life, but I found my courage faltering.

     Sam and I were having breakfast talking about the speech he was working on for the President. It sounded good and hit on all the points Sam wanted to hit, but as usual, he wasn’t happy.

     I listened to him ranting and raving all the way back to his office. I liked Sam, but he definitely overthought things too much.

     He gave me a draft of his speech and asked for a little feedback if I got the chance. I supposed it would keep me in the loop on a few things.

     I walked past Toby’s office, slowing down and quite obviously about to walk in, when my body chickened out and hurried me back to my office. Why was I so embarrassed?

     I spent the rest of the afternoon reading through Sam’s speech and trying to focus on what it was really about, but I was struggling.

     There was a faint knock at my door. Toby. I could feel my heart sinking for whatever reason.

     ‘Hey.’ He said, softly.

     ‘Hey.’ I said back.

     It was quiet for a moment or two.

     Toby cleared his throat, still hovering by the door.

     ‘So,’ he started. ‘You… you seemed like you wanted to talk to me earlier today?’ He waited for me to speak, but I wasn’t sure what to say. ‘You were outside my office. Looked like you wanted to come in but changed your mind.’

     ‘Oh… yeah.’ I shook my head, pretending as if I’d remembered, but we both knew it was fake and we knew why. ‘I… erm… yeah, it’s fine.’ I waved my hand, trying to be as casual as I could.

     ‘It’s fine?’ Toby asked, taking a step inside my office. I blinked, unsure of what I was supposed to say. Toby nodded to himself, thinking quickly. ‘Kaitlin, we should talk about what happened.’ He kept his voice low. ‘We’ve been avoiding each other for almost a month, and I don’t like it. If you’re free for lunch, there are some things I’d like to say.’

     I swallowed, trying not to feel like I’d done anything wrong, but it was a hard feeling to shake.

     ‘Okay.’ I hadn’t meant to breathe it, but I’d lost my voice already and began to feel small.

     Toby tilted his head, regarding me. ‘You look very beautiful today, Kaitlin.’

     I felt my heart jerk sideways. How did he always manage to disarm me? Why did I like it so much when he did?

     I breathed a laugh, shaking my head.

     ‘Really?’ I exhaled heavily, leaning on my hand.

     Toby took a stuttered breath. ‘Yeah.’ He held my gaze. ‘It’s a good light in here.’

     ‘It is.’ I nodded, biting my lip to stop myself laughing so much. ‘Can we… I’ve got a lot of work to do today,’ I could see the disappointment growing in his eyes. ‘But over the weekend I’m moving the rest of my stuff into my new apartment. You wanna help?’

     ‘You got an apartment?’ Toby had the hint of a soft smile. ‘When did that happen?’

     ‘A couple of weeks ago.’ I said, leaning back in my chair. ‘I saw it just before new year and I decided I liked it… the day after…’ I cleared my throat. ‘Yeah…’

     Toby shifted between his feet. ‘Kaitlin, we’ve gotta talk about this.’ He shook his head.

     ‘Yeah.’ I looked down at the document I was sifting through.

     ‘Can I say something now?’ Toby asked. ‘You don’t have to respond or anything.’

     I nodded, not really wanting to look at him in case it was bad news.

     ‘I’m going to close the door.’ He shuffled towards the door, closing it gently. Toby cleared his throat again. ‘Kaitlin…’ he stopped, stroking the back of his hand over his beard. He let a heavy breath go. ‘Do you know why I tell you you’re beautiful all the time? Or at least as often as I can.’

     I blinked, unsure how to respond.

     Toby half laughed. ‘You really don’t know, do you?’

     I could feel my body reacting the same way it always did when I thought I’d done something wrong, but I knew I hadn’t. Not knowing something, wasn’t the same thing.

     Toby approached my desk, shoving his hands in his pockets again. I roughly moved some stray hair behind my ear. I was fidgeting, I knew I was.

     ‘Kaitlin.’ His voice was so soft. ‘Look at me?’ How could I not? ‘I tell you you’re beautiful because I can’t show you.’ I frowned. ‘I’m not your boyfriend and I’m not someone who’s not going to care if I’m not. If I didn’t tell you you’re beautiful… I’d kiss you... But I can’t do that, so I tell you you’re beautiful every time the lighting is right, or I can see you’ve woken up feeling great about yourself.’

     I felt my chest pouring with something warm and joyful.

     ‘You know what I’m saying?’ Toby smiled.

     ‘You know it would be easier if you just said it?’

     ‘I’m in love with you.’ Toby didn’t even hesitate.

     I looked up at him, holding his gaze for far longer than I really knew. Why was it when I looked at him all I saw was comfort and warmth and something incredibly gentle? Why him?

     ‘You know what I’m saying?’ Toby asked again.

     I swallowed again.

     ‘Um…’ Did I know?

     I suddenly realised something. Toby didn’t look disappointed.

     ‘You…’ I frowned. ‘You don’t seem disappointed that I can’t… that I… might not know what you’re saying.’

     ‘Because I’m not.’ Toby shrugged. ‘I could make it clearer, but you haven’t asked me to.’

     ‘What if I did?’

     ‘You’re not ready.’ Toby kept his voice soft and low and I liked it.

     ‘How do you know?’

     ‘Because you’ve been avoiding me for the last month.’

     ‘You’ve been avoiding me too.’

     Toby shrugged again. ‘Maybe I’m not ready either?’

     I frowned again.

     ‘Okay, that was a lie.’ He said, making me laugh.

     ‘Why have you been avoiding me?’ I suddenly asked.

     Toby inhaled through his nose, looking off at my bookshelf for a moment.

     ‘Because I stood in this office on New Year’s Eve and the woman I love asked me to kiss her.’ He chuckled. ‘And instead of just doing it, I asked her questions.’ He shook his head, annoyed with himself. ‘I know what I did was right, I know that if I didn’t ask questions and make sure it was what you really wanted, then you might have twisted the truth the way you tell me you do sometimes. And I didn’t want you to regret it for any reason.’ He took another breath. ‘On the other hand, it drives me crazy that I can’t go back and change what happened. I keep blaming the people who died in the protest, and I’ve been avoiding you for the last month because you cared about them a lot, and you were the one who got the call. The statement was delivered by CJ despite the fact that you were the one who had the contact there.’

     I frowned again. ‘Toby, I understand why CJ had to make the statement to the press. If it came from me, it’d look like we didn’t care that much about it.’

     ‘I know.’ Toby nodded, looking down at the floor. ‘I just don’t want you to get used to the idea that what you have to say is less important just because someone says so, especially me.’

     I shook my head. ‘You made the decision to get CJ to do it?’

     ‘I did.’ Toby confirmed.

     ‘Okay…? Toby I’m not sure what it is you’re trying to tell me.’

     Toby gave a tight smile and looked at me. ‘I’m trying to tell you that… I’m struggling to…’

     ‘To what?’

     ‘To feel like I’m good enough for you.’ Toby let it out as if it were a relief. ‘I’m struggling between that and asking for what I really want.’

     ‘What-‘

     ‘Don’t ask me.’ Toby warned, but I didn’t feel the flood of fear I used to feel with that tone.

     I observed him for a moment. ‘Toby, what do you really want?’

     His eyes closed slowly for a moment, like it was the one question he never wanted to be asked.

     ‘What I want…’ he whispered. ‘You.’ I’d never seen Toby get so emotional before. I’d seen him angry and frustrated, even happy, but never like this. ‘Kaitlin, I want you.’ He breathed. ‘I’m in love with you and I want you. And for a moment, one minute to midnight, maybe I could have…  for a few seconds, but… the phone rang.’

     I could feel my heart thumping against my chest hard. There was a clear thought barrelling through my head. I wanted Toby Ziegler. How did I say it without getting scared? Would it matter to him if I was?

     ‘Do you know that every time you ask me a question, I feel compelled to answer it?’ Toby shuffled a page on my desk, probably not knowing what it was.

     ‘What does that mean?’ I felt a lump forming in my throat.

     ‘It means if you ask me any question in the world… I’ll give you the truth.’

     I could feel the same wave of nervousness beginning to over take.

     ‘I have a lot of questions.’

     ‘Ask me them.’

     ‘I can’t.’

     ‘Why not?’

     I took a sharp breath, smiling up at Toby. ‘Because I’m scared the answer will be yes.’

     ‘The answer is yes.’

     ‘I know.’ I nodded.

     Toby put his hand back in his pocket, sighing gently, but nodding with me. ‘Okay.’ He breathed. ‘You still need help moving your things?’

     I smiled. ‘Only if you want to.’

     ‘I always want to.’

If you liked this, please consider supporting me ☕ thanks for reading!

Masterlist

[crystalelemental]

Now that volume 7 is arriving tomorrow, I finally read volume 6 of MagiRevo.

It's neat! I kinda like it. Similar to volume 5, this one just felt more engaging. There's more going on than some volumes. Looking at you, 4.

Vampires are still the big focus, starting out with Lainie wanting to know more about her mom and what that whole deal was. We start out with a flashback of some sort, but then get an entire chapter of worldbuilding that doesn't really do much for me personally but sure.

The meat of the volume is fights, discussions of immortality, and new character.

The discussions of immortality are the first real interesting thing that comes up, as Lainie expresses concern about how Ilia isn't as long-lived as she is. This wraps Anis into the discussion, as she also is not long-lived like Euphyllia now is. When they switch perspectives, turns out Euphie and Ilia are also thinking about this in their own way. It's been hovering in the background a while, and it's nice to see characters start to grapple with it while it's here.

Fights themselves remain decently paced. The first fight is a little chaotic, and...kinda changes up the rules as we understand them so far. Vampires apparently consume other living beings, not just by blood drain, but like...actually, physically take their mass into your own, to be released as monsters later or reinforce themselves. The first fight also involves breaking the magicite of a vampire, only for them to keep fighting as their magic goes out of control, but continues their regenerative effects and erupts all the monsters out in a big amalgamation. It's interesting, but definitely beyond what we understood. Especially since...well, when Algard tore out Lainie's magicite, she was going to just die. So why is this one so different? Is that a difference in Lainie's skills, a difference in that she never consumed creatures in that way, or is this just a retcon on total vampire powers?

The second fight is also our full introduction to the new character: Lilana. Listen. I have a character type. I love Lilana. Gifted child who initially acts dignified but is a lunatic, whose main thing is that she's lonely, and whose story ends in tragedy. I am devastated by the ending of this, but also that's what lets it hit.

Lilana is sort of Anis' philosophical foil. While Anis is all about looking to the future and building possibility, Lilana has taken the vampire charge of seeking eternity and come to a conclusion: the only way to bring about a happy eternity is to consume everything into herself. This is a stance so extreme that other vampires are bailing out in panic. It's unclear how much damage she's actually done to the vampire clans. The first fight is still aligned to her, but another clearly was on the run, and is the reason Lilana showed up at all. But it's clear she's not fully trusted of loved, given that she's also described as a fiend before even showing up.

But she's also so powerful that no one can really oppose her. So the elders among the vampires have propped her up as their perfect murder machine against their enemies, and she's only know effusive praise from them. The hangup is that she's never really had anyone acknowledge her as a person, just as the tool to be used. This operates as a flip of Anis, who is similarly gifted, but who was completely shunned by her society because of her gifts. Everyone also refused to see Anis the person, but treated her poorly rather than with kindness. An in an odd twist, Anis now understands what it means to suffer and how to overcome, while Lilana isn't really familiar with the concept, but fears it enough to want to remove it from the world entirely by removing free will and autonomy.

What's fun is that Lilana immediately attaches to Anis. She's super interested in her, and calls it love at first sight. She even tries to vampirize Anis, which...I'll get to that segment. But the ending of her story is that neither she nor Anis feel they can back down from their beliefs, and Lilana can't accept Anis' attempts to make friends. She makes a desperate bid for consuming everything, and destroys herself to make the attempt. It's a little sad, but it's compelling.

Her fight is fun, but does give off shonen powerlevel vibes. Euphie casts stupid cool magic that explodes everything, and Lilana it turns out is stupid powerful at Dark magic and converts magic attacks to magical energy she consumes, negating magic. But when she vampirizes Anis, there's a segment of getting her dragon magicite to consume the growing vampire powers to keep her autonomous, and then Anis is like wildly overpowered and just starts exploding Lilana until the final move. It's bombastic, but it is very much pushing to the tier of "no one but the heroines really contribute."

On that note...I gotta talk about Dragon Anis.

The vampire magicite is consumed by the dragon powers, and Anis is basically now Dragonkin, with some vampire powers mixed in. As part of this, Anis is now...also extremely long-lived. So that whole dilemma is solves before we ever really get close to proper angst about it. It feels a bit abrupt to just solve that on the fly. I expected it to be a more drawn out process, trying to find some way to resolve this or problem solve. I don't even really hate the idea behind this conclusion, it just feels abrupt and kind of dismissive of that entire problem. I also feel like, with the notion of pushing possibilities and developing the future, it's at least a little odd to be making characters immortal as a positive. Euphie's agreement was so heavy because she was immortal, not because Anis wasn't. This flipped the problem around and solved it instantly, without really engaging much with the implications of what this means.

In terms of smaller things:

There wasn't much cute content. There's a bit at the end, with Anis starting to tease Euphie back, but that's about it.

Acryl isn't really getting a ton of play despite how significant her backstory is with vampires. In fact I'm at least slightly confused as to her point. Why were vampires making her people fight in death matches? I get the killing, that's consuming them into Lilana, but like...the death matches feel out of place for Lilana's intentions.

Anis' dream sequence is pretty great. I actually liked that a lot.

Tilty got to show up, contribute briefly, then gets sidelined because she got sick. I'm kinda hoping that with this mystery vampire disease that killed Lainie's mom, she'll get a lot more play going forward.

Anis' dream chapter was really good. Huge fan.

Overall pretty good! Again, volume 7 is supposed to show tomorrow, so hopefully I'm quicker about reading that one.

[koskela-knights]

Ao3 Ask Game

Thanks @autisticwriterblog for the tag :D

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

542 but that's going to change to 543 soon I hope ;)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

1,498,254 words 😳😱

3. What fandoms do you write for?

At the moment I'm still obsessed with Alan Wake 2. Gonna hit 111 works for it soon 😏 Which is why I'll try to focus on those works and becos this is my Koskela blog after all :D

4. Top five fics by kudos

Lmao, it's all DBH xD Used to be very active in that fandomD but my Top 5 AW fics would be:

Jacket (Ilmo/Alan)

Minds Collide (Zaneling, my only Zaneling fic lol)

Curious Case(y) (Scratch/Casey)

Off trail (Ilmo/reader)

Bleeding Hearts (Ilmo/Alan)

Honestly, I'm mainly proud of the first and last piece here.

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to reply to every comment! Honestly, it's cool when a little convo ensues from that ;) I also save all comments in my jar (a word file) to reread whenever I'm suffering from imposter syndrome/feel down about my writing 😅

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Pheew... That's a tough question. I've written a whole bunch of angsty Hanahaki fics and general angsty shit in multiple fandoms.

Many early AW2 fics center on the aftermath of Jaakko's death ;_; Maybe Kaleidoscope is one of the angstiest endings but certainly not the only one

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

In the romance category that might gonna be the Slow Roasting Love ending. But the Koskelas at Pride was very happy too. Again, it's not easy to choose becos of how many different situations I've written about :P

For a Koskela or Huotari/Reader fic, I'd like to say the historical Ilmari x transmasc Reader where they're in an arranged marriage but Ilmari's a closeted gay man and reader is a closeted gay transmasc person so in the end it works out perfectly for them 🥺😏 It has a smut tag but smut only happens in the last chapter. It's a slowburn fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I think only once. I'm surprised and glad it hasn't happened much :P

9. Do you write smut?

Lol, my very first fic on there was smut. Once a smut writer, always a smut writer 😏

10. Craziest crossover?

I have a few post-apocalyptic series with a big mashup of seemingly unrelated fandoms together.

One being about Libraries where characters from Resident Evil meet PoTF characters, OCs and even Rose from Alan Wake so 😂

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Thankfully not.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Two of which one is published on ao3 too and the other on a Russian fan site :D Love when that happened 🙌🥰

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope. However, the Echoverse has come to life thanks to many discussions and conversations with @zephyrone01 and @copiasmic who have helped flesh out that world and given me prompt fuels for some of the fics

14. All time favourite ship?

Tough one, for the AW world it would be CultCase.

Be it in the echo-verse or extended from there in other AUs 😏 And its 'variations' in Ilmari x Kesä. I love their tragedy across several AUs. Same reason I also love Jaakoppi x Kesä

And the third OTP would now be Tim/Jaakko which, again, was born from the Echoverse

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I once started writing a fic about the Koskelas and the Huotaris and the importance of stars and them trying to escape their tragic fate by astral projection.

16. What are your writing strengths?

🤔Maybe that I write multiple oneshots and make it a series. So you have this idea of a bigger world, without having to write one big overarching story or plot :P

Also, if i'm rly into a fandom and am hyperfixated, that creativity just flows abundant lol

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Fight scenes. And believe it or not, sometimes I feel the smut isn't always as spicy as I want it to be xD especially if it's more than 2 people, that shit is tough to write. U don't want anybody neglected unless it's something a character is into 😂

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I love it, but it's definitely a challenge! I usually resort to/limit myself to some translated words.

So far I've written stuff with Spanish, Finnish or Dutch in it.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

It all started with The Evil Within back in 2014. I think you could see an improvement in my English as the years go on in fic writing :P

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Sticking to AW works.... I like multiple works lmao 😂 All for different reasons. I'd say the two series: YY but Different and the CultCase series. (I can't choose 1 fic 😭)

Some of those stories contained, are standalone oneshots, but all combined give you a vast look into these worlds.

One being about bisexual Kesä and his complicated relation with closeted Ilmari. And the relationships between him and Ahti and between the Huotari brothers and Ahti (WIP)

And then you have CultCase which also explores many interesting dynamics between characters 🥺

And both series have a lot of angst, but also some tenderness and softness in them. And smut 😏 Something for everyone can be found there

I tag @copiasmic @entropicquilibriumofchaos @changethecircumstances @juhospemmifer & others who might wanna join but no one's obliged to do these ofc

[scary-grace]

20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @nocompromise-noregrets and @the-red-butterfly, and since I have some time this evening I figured I would get into them!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 67!

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 2,230,943. I don't know if that's actually a lot but it feels like a lot.

3. What fandoms do you write for? I write for the Tolkienverse (almost exclusively The Hobbit) and for My Hero Academia.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

i ain't changed, but i know i ain't the same (828)

Kairos (759)

seeking a friend for the end of the world (702)

Show Me My Silver Lining (532)

more than words can wield the matter (429)

The weirdest part about the answer to this question for me is that 'more than words can wield the matter' is a one-shot. Love Like Ghosts is only three kudos behind it and has been up for a significantly shorter time, but it was still strange to see.

5. Do you respond to comments? I don't usually respond! I always thank people who commented in the author's note of the next chapter, though. The times I'm most likely to respond are if somebody points out a mistake that needs correction (like the fact that I double-pasted the last chapter of Enough to Go By) or if they've asked for a fun fact I can't resist sharing.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? There are a few candidates, although the fics that qualify for this the most are still at the WIP stage. The best candidates at the moment are probably i'll follow you into the dark (in which Bard and Thranduil face the beginning of an alien invasion together) and Gravity (in which the theory of relativity puts a real damper on their relationship). Apparently space = tragedy to me.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Like @nocompromise-noregrets who tagged me, I write a lot of fics with happy endings. The no-holds-barred happiest endings are probably in Show Me My Silver Lining and Yamada Hizashi's Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Hanukah. Something about when the found family hits just right...

8. Do you get hate on fics? I've gotten some semi-antagonistic comments and some rude bookmarks, but otherwise, all the fic hate I've gotten was back on fanfic.net, when I was writing canon character x oc fics and giving everybody superpowers.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I indeed write smut. I used to have to be intoxicated to do it, but that's changed, and now I can write a full scene while chilling out on my break at work. As for the kind of smut, it used to be pretty solidly non-explicit, but I've recently branched out into more explicit stuff.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I write tons of AUs, but I don't think I've ever written a direct crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I don't think so. If anyone is considering it, I hope you don't. For your sake. :)

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? I have not!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes! My co-writers include @dogblessyoutascha and @corndog-patrol, both of whom are awe-inspiringly talented writers and artists.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? Barduil, no contest. Almost 1.5 million of my 2 million plus words on Ao3 are devoted to them, and although bagginshield started it all and erasermic got me into BNHA, Barduil's my number one.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I've vowed to finish all my WIPs at some point, so I feel like answering this one will jinx me one way or the other. But the one that's probably furthest down in my list is Insight, aka the genderbent bagginshield/barduil The Village AU.

16. What are your writing strengths? Plot, I think -- I really get a lot out of setting up foreshadowing and twists! I also think I can write a mean action sequence when I really sit down and focus on it. And on several stories the commenters have informed me that I went pretty hard on the horror.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? PACING. I can't write a short fic to save my life.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? If I spoke another language, maybe, but I don't. Usually I convey that other languages are being used with italics in quotes.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Ooh, I'm going to out myself here -- it was for Thor (2011), a canon character x oc. The fic is still out there, since I don't believe in taking stuff down, but being reminded of its existence pains me.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? I don't know that I can choose. My favorites tend to be the ones I'm working on at the moment. My greatest hits are in my pinned post, but I don't think I can narrow them down more than that.

I'm going to tag my collection of writer mutuals: @dogblessyoutascha, @corndog-patrol, @phantombstone, @palmviolet, @piyo-13, and @candycandy00! No pressure or obligation, just if you think it might be fun!

[missywritesfor7]

🌙Moon’s Light | JJK🌙

Synopsis: Luna is a young paralegal trying to maintain her new found independence and enjoy life. Too bad her job sucks and her boss is the worst. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she encounters a vampire named Jungkook who changes her life in more ways than one.

Jungkook is a shield and protector of the vampire kingdom of Korealis. He’s trained his entire life to block out any and all distractions and focus solely on becoming the strongest. While investigating a potential threat to the kingdom, he encounters Luna who turns out to be more than he could have ever imagined. It becomes his job to protect her, but he can’t tell if what he’s feeling is his devotion to the job or perhaps something deeper.

Secrets are uncovered. Lives are on the line. Hearts are tested.

Pairing: Vampire!Jungkook x Fem!OC

Warnings: Violence, character death, eventual smut, tragedy, some angst, strong language, MINORS DNI

Previous chapter | Next chapter | Masterlist

|| Ch. 33: Pain ||

Luna told Jungkook about his father’s visit when he returned home. She told him she felt like he wasn’t sincere and believed nothing he said. She told him how Minseok made it seem like Jungkook just easily jumped from girlfriend to girlfriend. However, she did not tell him about Minseok mentioning that Jungkook was engaged before.

If that piece of information was only a lie Minseok told to try manipulating her to do what he wants then she feels it’s better to not mention it to Jungkook at all. Something like that could get him upset and the last thing she wants to do is trigger his anger over a lie.

Too bad she’s not able to let it go so easily. She thought she’d put the thought out of her mind, but every time he hits her with a term of endearment or a sweet “I love you” before falling asleep, she has to resist the urge to want to ask him if he said these same things to his fiancée.

Jungkook has noticed a change in Luna in the past week. When he asks she claims everything is fine. However she’s not as vocal as she typically is. She hasn’t been hurling insults at him or even pushing his buttons to get a rise out of him the way she normally does. He knows something isn’t right, but he has no idea what. He only knows that she’s lying about being ok.

Meanwhile, the trials have begun for Hyungwon’s Saakhan minions. A few of the lower level recruits who were fresh converts with no idea what was even going on plead guilty or took plea deals. The higher level operatives, like Choi Yeonjun, decided to fight the charges in hopes of getting off entirely.

Luna already had major interest in this, but due to her law background, she wanted to see how the vampire justice system works. She’s tracked everything that’s happened with the case and insisted on watching every court proceeding for each member being tried.

Jungkook understands why she wants to follow everything that happens with the case, but he’s worried. Each day he can see her getting more irritated. They’ve worked hard on getting her to the point that she can control her power, but she hasn’t been emotionally tested yet. He knows she has a temper that could cause problems, but they haven’t quite worked on that. He’s tried taking her mind off of things frequently, but for some reason she’s been increasingly short with him. He feels like she’s been taking her anger out on him and he isn’t sure why, but all he wants is for her to be happy again. He’d do anything to see her smile.

He thought she would be her usual self once all of the trials were over. Everyone had been found guilty and sentenced to life of servitude. Jungkook was sure he only needed to wait a little longer. Then Hyungwon’s trial began.

The trial went on seemingly forever to Luna. He was the final piece to all of this and once he was convicted she knew she could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

Guilty.

Hearing that made Luna feel a lightness she hadn’t felt since before she ever knew anything about vampires. She was relieved to hear the verdict. Jungkook was relieved as well.

Then came the sentencing. With everyone else it had been simple. All of the Saakhan members were sentenced to the same thing. With Hyungwon, Luna was certain he’d get death for leading the entire organization and killing the Park family many moons ago.

But he wasn’t.

Just like the rest of the organization members, Hyungwon was sentenced to a life of servitude. Not death.

Luna is furious. She’s staring at the tv in complete disbelief that he’s getting off so easily.

“What the fuck happened to giving him death?!” She shouts in anger scaring Jungkook a little.

“I don’t understand it either,” he says trying to console her.

“What type of shit justice system do you people have here?!” Her anger is rapidly growing and Jungkook needs to try to calm her before she loses control.

“I know you’re upset, I am too,” he says trying to hold her hand but she pushes him back with her power. Not much, but enough to get him back a few inches to the other side of the couch.

“I’m more than fucking upset! How is he allowed to live after everything he’s done?!”

“Babe-“

“No!” She shouts hitting him again with enough force to knock him off the couch completely. “This is fucking bullshit!!”

“I know, but-“ she hits him again throwing him across the room into the edge of the bed where he hits the floor. He looks at her from across the room unsure of what to do. She won’t listen, she won’t calm down, and she seems much stronger than she’s ever been.

“Why is he allowed to live?!” She yells again with tears starting to fall from her eyes. She hits Jungkook again though he’s still on the floor against the bed. He’s enduring it, but he needs to stop her.

“Luna, please,” he says trying to get up.

“Why?!” She shouts knocking him back down. “Why?” She repeats as more tears flow down her face. “Why didn’t you tell me you were engaged?”

“What?” He asks suddenly confused.

“Your dad told me,” she says through the knot in her throat.

“Everything he said to you and that’s the one thing you chose to believe?”

“Just tell me the truth.”

“It’s not like that,” he sighs trying to get up again.

“It’s a yes or no question!” She shouts knocking him down again. “Were you engaged to someone else?” She stares at him hoping he answers quick because she’s starting to lose herself. She had been holding it all in and now it’s boiling over. She doesn’t want to hurt him, but she needs to know the truth.

“Please stop,” he says out of breath from her continued blasts. “Let me explain.”

She stares at him with more tears streaming down her face. She says nothing waiting for him to explain. She wants to hit him again, but the sight of him right now is twisting her up inside. She knows she’s hurt him. She can see it on his face in the way he grimaces as he tries to gather his composure. She didn’t want to hurt him.

“A long time ago,” he begins bracing for another hit from her, but she doesn’t move. When he feels she won’t lash out again he continues. “I came up with this stupid fucking idea to tell my dad I was engaged. I thought it would get him off my back. I just wanted him to leave me the fuck alone and I thought pretending to get married would do it. What could he do if I was married? None of it was serious. My ex was in on it too and we made him think we were really going to get married. But then somehow he caught on and decided he would play along and start pushing for us to get married quickly. The whole stupid fucking idea backfired. I never wanted to get married to her. After a while I realized I didn’t want to be with her at all. I broke up with her then confessed everything to my dad. He was pissed, but he knew that engagement was just a ruse.” He punches the floor trying to contain his own anger. “He knew it was all fake so he had no business telling you anything about it. It’s bullshit just like everything else he said to you. Why didn’t you say anything about this before?”

Luna looks on struggling to answer him. She thought she was protecting him by not bringing it up. She didn’t want to trigger his anger, but instead she held on to it and let her own rage boil over because of her insecurities and fear. But still, she feels a little unsure. She believes him, but she doesn’t. What sense does any of it even make? She slowly walks over to him and looks down at his pained face.

“Show me,” she says holding her hand out to him.

He looks up at her a moment trying to read her expression. He’s hurting physically but also emotionally. He hates that his father succeeded in getting into her head, and he hates even more that she doesn’t seem to believe him. He’s afraid she’ll hit him with her power again, and right now he doesn’t think he can take much more. He can and has endured lots of pain. Pain is nothing to him, but being on the receiving end of his girlfriend’s rage, that’s a pain he’s never experienced before. Seeing the tears running down her face and the way she looks at him as if she’d been hurting for so long hurts him so much.

He sighs then reaches his hand up to her. She pulls him to his feet and stays clutched to his arm. He watches her expression as he shows her exactly what she wants to see. He replays the entire stupid memory of this shit decision he made long ago so she can see he’s telling the truth.

From the very beginning when he came up with the idea while hanging with his girlfriend at the time because his father pissed him off yet again. He shows Luna how he was only ranting in anger but then his girlfriend started to talk him into the idea. He showed her the fights he had with his father. The moment his father started playing along. The way his father suddenly started pushing Jungkook into the marriage.

He even showed her the conversation he had with Hoseok when he finally decided to come clean because his father was one step away from setting a date and sending out invites. He let her hear the part of the conversation when Jungkook admitted that he no longer wanted to be with his girlfriend at all. The fall out when his now ex called him things much worse than a ‘demon’ and cursed him with every term she could think up. The bigger fall out when he confessed everything to his father. Minseok began to rage and in the midst let Jungkook know he already knew about his scheme. This made Jungkook start raging as well, just short of causing another earthquake. He showed her all of it while he watched her through the tears filling his eyes.

Everything Luna just saw became too much for her. Of course he’s telling the truth. Of course Minseok of all people would be trying to feed her lies to sabotage their relationship. She may not fully understand why Jungkook chose to do that of all things, but she understands how he would have been pushed to that point by his father. The building force inside of her begins to simmer and leave her feeling broken and empty inside. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she did. She’s becoming what she didn’t want to become.

“Do you believe me now?” Jungkook’s voice shakes and it’s taking everything in his power to not run and hide.

“Jungkook,” she whispers letting go of his arm. “I’m…I’m so sorry.” She can’t fight her tears, but she tries to continue speaking anyway. “I should have said something. I should have known better. I’m just…I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

She takes a deep breath and suddenly it’s getting hard for her to breathe. All the power in her may have simmered as her anger subsided, but the power is still hurting her. It’s only hurting her. A lot. She takes a step back from Jungkook who’s still looking at her while trying to keep his tears from falling.

“I’m so stupid,” she strains to say. “This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am or who I want to be. This is him. It’s all him. Jungkook I’m so sorry for hurting you.” The pain in her is becoming unbearable. She doesn’t know what’s happening to her but she feels like she’s being set on fire from the inside out. She takes another step back then leans over as if she’s about to vomit, but she doesn’t.

Jungkook isn’t sure what to say, but he can see something isn’t right. He closes the distance she put between them and places a hand on her shoulder. She’s burning up. Like a fever, but many times worse. Now he knows things aren’t right.

“LuLu,” he says softly.

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispers before falling to her knees.

“Babe!” He crouches down and holds her against his chest.

He knows her power is charged by her emotions, but now her power isn’t coming out at him, he can tell she’s internalizing it and it’s hurting her. He doesnt know what’s worse, her hurting him with her power or hurting herself. Either way he wants her to stop. He doesn’t want her to be in pain.

“Take a deep breath,” he says softly. “It’s ok, babe.”

“It’s not ok,” she heaves. “Hurting you like this is not ok.”

“You don’t have to hurt yourself though,” he says rubbing her back and pulling her closer. “It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault. My dad is an asshole who will do anything to get in the way, but you don’t have to blame yourself for it.”

“It is my fault,” she sobs. “I should have said something. I shouldn’t have held it in. I should have just talked to you like a fucking normal person, but instead I kept hitting you and I couldn’t even get myself to stop.”

“I told you before,” he says lifting her chin to get her to look at him. “You can’t hurt me.” He forces a smile hoping it’s enough to satisfy her.

Luna can see the pain in his eyes. Every time he lies about being hurt she can see right through him.

“You’re such a fucking liar,” she says knowing he only does this to keep her from worrying. “And I love you so much,” she leans into his chest and lets her stream of tears soak his shirt.

“I love you too,” he says. “You can try hurting me all you want, as long as you stop hurting yourself.”

Luna whimpers then cries more realizing what he’s saying. When she beats herself up she’s literally beating herself up, and it hurts so bad. She struggles to bring herself calm because all she can focus on is the pain. The pain makes her hurt more when she thinks of how hard she was hitting him. She can’t imagine how hurt he really is right now. She gets mad at herself for doing it and only hurts herself more. It’s a vicious cycle that she’s struggling to get herself out of.

“You have to let it go,” Jungkook says gently. “I know you’re afraid to, but it’s the only way you can stop it.”

She lets out a pained wheeze trying her best to let go. She’s afraid to let go but Jungkook’s reassurance and soothing touch is helping a bit. It’s not easy and she feels so guilty about everything. She looks up at him and notices a tear finally escape his eye. He would normally hide. She’s expecting him to transform and leave her with his furry body curled up in her lap, but he’s not. He’s staring right back at her letting his tears slide down his cheeks. It’s a sight she hasn’t seen before and it’s all it takes for her to release everything in her.

The tears, the sobs, the pain, the frustration, everything is flowing out of her now. There’s no holding back anymore. Not for her and not for him. He pulls her closer letting her tears continue soaking his shirt while his fall into her hair. Nothing more is said, there’s only the sound of their cries echoing through his room.

[chl3p]

Info before you'll begin searching around here + Disclaimer/DNI

↓ ↓ ↓

And even if nobody would really look at this blog, I'll do it either way- Like, as much as I wish to be noticed or get some interest in all concepts I would love to write about and do art/characters/ about it, there's no particular reason to hold expectations somebody will notice. Yet, it doesn't stop me from my ambitions to write about everything here, post my art, you name it. The point is, why do I even write about this? Mostly to keep myself self conscious about why not to hold any bigger hopes, if all what's Tumblr is for me, it's a tool and storage in one. I don't sit in social 24/7, simply because I have better things to do (also many responsibilities, job, school, getting driver licence ತ⁠_⁠ತ)

Either way, if you come across my account and stay longer I'll be more than happy to gain your attention, however don't force yourself, everything I post here is for both me and everyone else, even if the second one wasn't much planned here. Comment, repost, like, follow or do none of that, I don't mind. Stay here or continue your wander on the internet, your choice bud, but if you'll ever choose to stay and follow my art journey, the feeling that has lost its own creator might've come back one day. I hope, I will finally flourish in my own eyes.

"What's precious is the first few seconds our eyes will focus on here, rest doesn't much matter."

Also disclaimer here. All drawings, sketches, plot concepts, poems, ect. that will be posted here are created by me, signed with initials as a formal form of creative designation. I insist that you do not steal my work, and if you are inspired by something let me know about it, however the caveat is that I will not take kindly to the fact if you decide to copy my work and post it as your own, it is just purely unfair and I honestly will not chase after such people to challenge them in public, but I certainly want you to ask yourself "Would you want to be treated this way yourself?". Seek the answer to that yourself.

As for my ambitions which I will spill out here on Tumblr, MAY or MAY NOT touch on content along the lines of death, wars, traumas, tragedy, both spiritual and mental, strong emotions, perspectives (here personal) towards society and specific attitudes, in the main when it comes to posts with plot concepts, poems, etc. may be based on actual events because I like history, and weaving it as the main guide to the plot fascinates me. History is governed by its past, not all of it is beautiful and innocent, there will be a lot of inspiration from WW2 and the communist times after the war. As for touching on politics and history.

About it. I do not transcribe knowledge from Wikipedia because it is not the best source for this although the basics are included, for this I use books and friends who study history, who provide me with inspiration to create. As for politics, I won't spout off about MY own beliefs because it's pointless. Everyone has their own ass so let them take care of it, however, to the issue of politics and politicians (mainly past than present) I will refer and describe in an objective and neutral way. Jokes like "German gentleman with a mustache" I will not take as funny, why? Because I myself come from a country that got hit the hardest by the Third Reich during the war, it's a bit like spitting on your own grandfather's grave, you know.

As for people who want to interact, whether through comments, private, public, inquiries or requests, cool I don't mind. I may even decide to do an art request someday, but that's when I have more time. However, when it comes down to it, I am now writing to specific people, please DO NOT INGER WITH THIS ACCOUNT if:

You have extreme, extremist views, and impose them on others.

People asking for NSFW content-please don't, maybe someday I will consider drawing this type of content but for the moment no.

Scammers

Attention seekers (unless you want to get to know each other better that's ok, but don't expect me to be here 24/7.

Proshippers. Simply put, no.

Thieves of my works. Really? Not only do you steal, but you still come back here? It's a bit ridiculous.

AI artist. I don't think I need to explain.

Toxic people. Nope. Not here, we keep family friendly content (as much as possible-)

Minors (unless you're 16, you're allowed here)

PDF (it's not about the file, but the people-), Zoophile, Extreme fetishists, ect.

I guess that's all.

Thx <3 - Chl3p.

[richincolor]

Book Review: Ros Demir is Not the One

Ros Demir is Not the One by Leyla Brittan Holiday House

Summary: Sixteen-year-old Ros is a go-getter. When she wants something, she makes sure she gets it.

But a lingering rumor (and maybe some ambivalence about her half-Turkish heritage) has kept Ros from achieving the kind of reputation she deserves. So, after years of plotting her big comeback, she just needs one thing: a hot, adoring guy on her arm at junior year homecoming. And when she meets charming new classmate Aydın at the Pine Bay resort over the summer, she thinks she’s found The One.

It doesn’t work, though. And things get messy when Ros’s plan ends up hurting the only friend she has left… poor, sweet, forgiving Eleanor. This has happened before–things tend to get messy with Ros around–and it’s getting harder for her to ignore the pattern of hurt feelings. Plus, it seems like Ros and Aydın aren’t really meant to be. What kind of a plan results in everyone ending up unhappy? Not a very good one.

A not-quite rom com starring a bold, outspoken antiheroine, this Turkish-American Romeo and Juliet remix is refreshingly snarky. Witty, whip-smart dialogue plays with the complexities of multicultural identity and female friendships, from Ros’s very first screw-up to her unconventional happy ending.

My Thoughts: First off, the summary above is the same one on the jacket flap and though I read the book, I am still a little confused by the Romeo and Juliet mention. Perhaps I didn’t read carefully enough, or it’s been way too long since I’ve read Romeo and Juliet, but I just don’t see it. That said, I enjoyed the book, but if you’re looking for love that goes beyond all bounds and heart-breaking tragic fate, look elsewhere. It’s true that there is not a typical Disney or Hallmark type of happily-ever-after, but other than that, I am not sure what the connection is.

If you want a slightly snarky contemporary novel with friendship and relationship drama, then this is just the one for you. Ros knows her plan is working fervently to hit her goals, but with her focus laser sharp on those goals, she is missing a lot of other things particularly with her friendships. The summary calls her an antiheroine and for sure readers will see that she is not looking for opportunities to make the world a better place or trying to empathize with the people around her. She’s devoted to her own issues and while she’s absorbed with those, she misses a lot of what is going on around her.

Watching Ros stumble around is not easy. There are so many times when I wanted to get her attention and ask her to re-think her choices. She’s a lot of fun in spite of her questionable decision making. Like all humans, she is just learning as she goes even if it is painful for her and those around her. I do love a good rom-com, but I also appreciate contemporary realistic fiction that doesn’t follow a pattern and gives us a different kind of story.

In all of Ros’s attempts to be seen in just a certain way, she has lost herself a bit. It can be difficult to watch her fumble her way through many awkward or painful situations with friends and loved ones, but I was cheering her on anyway.

Recommendation: Get it soon if you enjoy a contemporary novel that wanders on a slightly different path. In my eyes, Ros and Aydın’s story is not so much like Romeo and Juliet’s, but is somewhere between a tragedy and a romance. It’s neither with a few elements of each.

Pages: 295 Availability: October 1, 2024 Review Copy: Final copy via publisher

[thesketchyheartist]

04/01

Shinkai- Your Name

I believe this is the first romance anime in this course, and it was made quite recently as well.

The animation reminds me of Studio Ghibli's aesthetics. Even if you can't hear a word, just looking at the movie is itself a feast for the eyes. And the romance fluff was so sweet and breathtaking. Not to mention the anticipation of Taki and Mitsuha finally meeting, only for an almost tragedy to separate them was so scary.

I think the ending was more satisfying. While I would've liked to see them grow up with each other after the incident, for them to come back after forgetting each other is almost more heartwarming knowing that even if they forgot, just by crossing paths again they fall in love at first sight. Like reincarnated lovers can forget their past lives, yet the moment they see each other, even if memories are long buried, the love rekindles a long-lost fire between them.

Another beautiful thing I wanted to add was the symbolism of strings and life. Well, strings, time, water, life, and "flow" and "union". I know this wouldn't be a magical romance without meaning. I feel like just trying to understand it would take a whole lot longer and writing it would definitely bore readers. Still, I think the transitions between strings and the cords to the comet shooting in the skies seem random and without direction, yet it also has an order or pattern of nature it follows that is random yet brings a harmony that creates life. Scientifically, the random movements atoms have may seem chaotic because it is spontaneous. Yet, the order of each spontaneous movement creates a rhythm that leads to more spontaneity which in turn sparks a new rhythm of its own. All in all, the fact that their love is almost parallel and can practically explain the movement of the cosmos and life the animation showed after Taki fell is so amazing I don't know if my frantic typing can convey how it is seriously going to be stuck in my head all the time from now on.

If your lover/soul mate/not-romantic-friend doesn't write "idiot" or "dummy" on your face while denying having feelings for you, despite feeling lost without them, are you even in love? Not romance anime once again raising standards.

I also like how at one point Taki decides to be mature and not grope Misuha's body "for her sake" only to unconsciously start groping anyways. Arguably he is a teenager, but still kind of weird.

Also, this movie apparently connects to another movie, though the main characters are no longer the main focus.

One final thing I got to point out: the flow as seen through the diverged comet path. Watching multiverse movies, you know there are different timelines or endings. In this case, there are 2 the "good Everybody Lives/No one Dies" and the "bad, no beta we die like ---" ending. The comet has the main body, and then the broken, unforeseen part that diverged and struck Earth. In terms of endings, both the comet that went around and the comet that hit Earth are identical because ether way, Mitsuha's town got destroyed and the comet could not be prevented. In terms of what is happy or not, it's hard to tell. Is the blue comet that leaves Earth the good ending or bad? What happened or what should've or could've happened? Yet both endings are inevitable. Inevitably, the comet that didn't hit before comes back and hits Earth after 1000 years. Mitsuha and Taki may not have met in high school (or at least forgets each other) but they eventually meet as adults. Even if the timeline that Mitsuha dies in means Taki remembers her and they never meet again, they still got to meet anyways even if both get hurt.

I remember hearing about this movie a few years after it was released because that was when I started getting into anime for real. I thought, eh, I'll watch the movie after I finish the list (the day I finish the list and not add a billion new ones that would take me multiple lifetimes to get to, assuming I don't keep adding new ones is the day anime must've died because I would rewatch all the shows I watched up until now because beauty in even anime cannot compare to how it captures the essence of this world's already perfect flaws in its harmonious complexion. I now watch for this course.

-03/30/24

[shadowsnlace]

Hellooooo love I missed you I'm so happy to see you here again❤❤

shunsui,ukitake byakuya,gin,aizen, tosin,kenpachi

Who do think will want alot of children and who will just want 1 or 2

I'm curious lol some give me cheaper by the dozen vibes

Sweetie! I missed you too! ❤️❤️ I’ve missed this blog. I’m happy to be back…and I’m trying to get back to a routine with writing. (*fingers crossed that there isn’t too much rust in my gears!*)

Okies, so let’s see if I can deliver those vibes. 😁

Quick note: Just a reminder that these shinagami/soul reapers live for thousands of years. So, they can potentially keep having enough kids to fill a division over their lifetime. For this I’m focusing more on how many kids are in the house at a pre adult age.

Shunsui - 2 to 4. Keep in mind that Shunsui has lived a very long time. He’s seen a lot of tragedy as well as triumph. Having children will bring quite a few positive benefits to his life: 1) Reminding him what innocence and child-like wonder feel like. 2) Distracting him from dark thoughts. It’s hard to mull over the past when you have kids to keep you on your toes. 3) Always has someone to play games with. 4) (perhaps the most important) Little helpers to fetch Daddy’s sake cups or hunt down any that have gone on an adventure.

Jushiro - (Does this even come as a surprise?) 2++++basically as many as his wife is willing to bear. Jushiro comes from a large family and has a lot of siblings. He will happily keep the Seireitei stocked with his progeny. Seriously, give that man a wife that wants a big family and you won’t be able to toss a pebble without hitting an Ukitake.

Byakuya - 1 to 3. Carrying on the family bloodline is important to Byakuya. He was an only child so he will want at least 2 children so that they can have a sibling, a forever ally and friend that will always be there no matter what. <-(Rukia’s influence on him) His view of having children will be to keep the family small and tightly knit. Byakuya will want to devote love and time to kids so keeping the family small will offset any demands of nobility.

Gin - 1. Gin has the ability to go all in, but it’s usually with a narrow focus. One child will be perfect for him because all his energy and love is going to given that child and their mother. Soul-deep loyalty and putting someone he loves before everything including his own life is just one of the qualities that makes Gin an amazing man. Great husband, even greater father.

Aizen - 0, maybe 1. Sosuke doesn’t have the capacity for love or commitment beyond himself. There may come a time when he gets an inclination to sire an offspring, but it will most likely be to pass on his skewed ideals. However, since Sosuke wanted to become a god, there is no room for a child that could potentially grow up to surpass him. His ego would never allow it.

Tosen - 0. Kaname’s worldview was altered so negatively he would never consider bringing a child into it. Given his history, it’s sad but understandable.

Kenpachi - 1 to 3. Kenny has plenty of practice being a Daddy. He’s perfectly content to let them hang on him, follow him around, spar with wooden swords, gorge themselves on candy, and do just about whatever they want. His wife will be teaching him right along with the first kid when it comes to discipline and boundaries for children. Also, Kenny’s pretty sure that it’ll only take 3 of his kids to finally take him down in a fight, once they’ve grown up, of course. (EDIT: Let me clarify...I don't mean Kenny's kids will kill him! I mean beat him in a fight. Let's not go that dark, please.)

[queen-haq]

Fic: A Woman Reborn - Part 13

Fic: A Woman Reborn (Part 13)

Pairing: Billy Russo X Reader (from A Woman Scorned)

Rating: R / 18+ only

A/N: This is a sequel to A Woman Scorned and takes place a few years after the events of AWS.

MasterList (includes links to AWS and previous chapters here)

Summary: You and Billy are happily married when tragedy strikes, jeopardizing your relationship and everything you two have built together. Can the two of you find your way back to each other or is the special bond you once shared broken forever?

pic credit: @bladesrunner​ 

“What do you want?”

Billy smirked, eyes affixed on your lips. “A kiss.”

“No.”

“No?” he murmured, leaning in close, so close, that you could feel his breath reverberate on your face.

Your heart stopped. Or did it start beating thunderously in your chest? You didn’t know. You couldn’t think. Or breathe. The only thing you could focus on was Billy’s eyes, your husband’s beautiful, deep dark eyes that were piercing right through to your soul. The sheer adoration in his gaze achingly familiar, his entire self vibrating with intensity, teasing you with a lopsided smile, unleashing butterflies in your stomach. Your heart squeezed in your chest when his fingers brushed up your arms, playfully tip-tapping on your skin like you were an instrument, sliding up along your shoulders, your neck, until he cupped your face with both hands.

You swallowed an audible breath.

He drew closer, you swayed towards him, helpless to deny the feelings that tethered you to him. You ached for him, you missed him. It had been so long since you kissed your husband, your Billy, the way he’d kiss you like he was a man dying and you were his only salvation, when his hands would grip your hair and his beard would scratch your skin, teeth and tongue scraping you.

He dropped a tender kiss on the tip of your nose. Like he’d do every morning when you woke up next to him. Most nights the last sensation you felt was his lips on the crown of your head before falling asleep, feeling safe and loved like you never had before him. Moments in heaven that were forever etched in your brain.

Moments he no longer remembered.

Billy gone. Your life gone. The only happiness you’ve ever known shattered.

The sadness hit you like a tidal wave.

You tried to hold on to your composure, you tried not to let the anguish win – you were stronger than this. You had to be. You couldn’t fall apart in front of him. You had your fucking pride – but you couldn’t breathe. Too much, it was all too much, anxiety rushing through your blood. Oh god.

You struggled against the madness, against Billy, but he was stronger. Always stronger. Your other half. Maybe you would have been able to push him away if you were yourself but you could barely even breathe-

“Hey, look at me.” His fingers clutched your face, gripping you tightly. “Look at me, please!” Desperate and panicked, he clung to you. “Babe, I need you to breathe with me. Okay? Please. You need to breathe.” His hand moved to your chest, over your heart. “One.” He took a deep breath in and exhaled. “Two.” He repeated again. “Three.”

The panic was overwhelming, swirling around you so that you couldn't see anything in the daze you were in. But then you heard Billy's voice calling out to you, guiding you out of confusion and somewhere safe, and you started mimicking him, the darkness in his eyes compelling you to obey his every word. “One.” You breathed in and out. “Two.” In and out. “Three.”

He smiled reassuringly, combing his fingers through your hair. “You’re doing so great, sweetheart. So amazing.” He grazed your temple, murmuring encouraging words between leaving tender drops of kisses on your closed eyelids, the tip of your nose, your cheeks. “Just keep breathing for me, babe. Please. That’s all you need to do. Listen to my voice and breathe with me.”

You closed your eyes, letting yourself sink into his warmth, clinging to him as he carried you to the couch. It was stupid of you, you knew better, but just for a minute you allowed yourself this indulgence – sitting astride his lap, being with him, touching him.

“Not gonna let anything happen to you, babe. You’re safe with me. I promise.”

You wanted to believe him so badly, your soul yearned for it. Every nerve in your body was heightened, pleading for more.

And so you gave in. You kissed him.

***

There were so many things Billy wanted to say. Like how much he missed you, how much he loved you, how desperately he wanted to be inside you and fuck you and remind you of everything the two of you shared. But every single thought flew out of his head when your mouth closed over his. Too long. Too long since he felt your mouth on his, tongue against tongue, an animalistic groan escaping him when he realized you were finally where you belonged – with him.

He should have been gentle and tender – you just came out of a panic attack for fuck’s sakes – but his emotions took over, the reckless, selfish part of him that only you ever loved returning with a vengeance, and he kissed you frantically, his mouth eager and possessive. You returned his kiss with equal ferocity, your hands wrapping around the back of his head while you body ground against his, your cunt rubbing back and forth on his thigh.

Hard as fuck, he devoured you and pawed at you. When his brain screamed for oxygen he pulled his mouth away and dragged it along your jawline, licking the sweat off your skin, sucking on your neck, leaving marks so there’d be no doubt you were his and his alone. And you – holy fuck – you were just as vicious and demanding, riding his thigh, clawing at him for more.  

It hurt when he moved to unwrap your dress and you wouldn’t let him, when he tried to press you onto the couch so he can slide in between your legs and eat out your sweet heavenly cunt and you groaned ‘no’. You only let him kiss you up to a point, touch you over your clothes, directing every move. Even though he craved more, was dying for it, the fact you were willing to share even this much of yourself – he was grateful. So fucking grateful, especially when you took his hand and urged him to brush your clit and he did just that, teasing the nub over the fabric of your panties, circling it as your moans grew louder, his thigh damp from your wetness.

All it took was for your fingers to brush against his cock and he came in his pants, like a fucking teenager in heat. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable but he didn’t let himself dwell on it, not when you were still begging to come. “Please, Billy,” you whispered, your hips undulating in a wild rhythm.

“Please? Please what, sugar? Fuck you with my fingers? Or my tongue?” He prodded, curving his fingers inside you.  “Or do you want my cock?” His thumb worked your clit, applying just the right amount of pressure that evoked a guttural moan from your lips.

“Fingers…” you breathed, voice spent.

“Only that?” he prodded

You cried out, nodding erratically because you couldn’t speak. Could only mewl at what he was doing to you. “Love my fingers inside your tight pussy?” he whispered in your ear, hearing the shuddering impact of his words on you. “Does it feel good?”

“Yes!”

It may have been too long since he fucked you but he remembered exactly what you liked, the specific way he twisted his fingers inside you which drove you fucking insane and pushed you over the edge. As you rode out your climax you clung to him for dear life, your hushed breaths soft and tantalizing, your body fluid and malleable. He held you gently, enjoying your need to cuddle after sex. He lived for these precious minutes when the two of you were unabashedly lost in each other.

Your body limp in his arms, he moved you to lie down on the couch, his body half on top, half beside you. Head balanced on his elbow he simply watched you, taking in every shift and pulse, caressing the smooth surface of your skin before wrapping his fingers around your neck. The hickeys on your skin were dark and bruising, thrilling him. You belonged to him, and it would be obvious to everyone who looked at you.

He could always tell when you were feigning sleep, because when you actually were sleeping the rhythm of your breaths were different. More relaxed, at peace, unlike now when he could feel the tension in your body. He nipped at your jaw, pressing fluttering kisses on your face. “You gonna look at me, sugar?” When you refused to budge, he smiled, dropping feather-light kisses on your chest. “It’s okay if you don’t. We can stay here like this all day.”

That prompted you to finally open your eyes. “Get off me.”

Your voice was cold, distant, determined to keep him at bay. He hated it but realized you needed this. Grudgingly he moved away, taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch while you stood up. Soon he was mesmerized by the sight of you in your disheveled state, your boobs swelling over the neckline of your wrap dress, and he started practically drooling. God, he missed playing with your tits, remembering how pretty and puffy your nipples would look when he pinched and sucked on them.

“Stop staring at me like that!”

Leaning back on the couch with one arm draped along the top, he smirked. “Then don’t look so hot.”

An angry blush spread across your cheeks, like you were embarrassed by his words. He didn’t like that. Years ago when things first got serious, you used to be the same way – mistaking his compliments for lies. But the two of you worked through that and eventually you came to realise that he meant every compliment he paid you. More importantly, everything about you turned him on.

“That was more than one kiss.”

Confused, his eyebrow shot up in question. “What?”

You stood up straight, eyes flashing with disdain. “You said if I gave you a kiss, I could have an hour with Matt. That was more than one kiss.”

Everything went dark, all he could feel was red-hot rage coursing through his veins. It was he who couldn’t breathe now, because the anger was so primal, so violent, that it made him want to fucking destroy the whole fucking world. You were playing him? Whoring yourself out to your fucking husband so you could spend the night with another guy? He stood up and stormed over, ready to eviscerate you for breaking his heart and trust and every fucking promise you’d ever made to him – but then he saw you flinch.

Fear. There was fear in your eyes, you were scared of him. Not once had you ever looked at him like that, like you were terrified of him – except now. The thought made him want to fucking retch, he was sick to his stomach over it. “You think I’m gonna hit you?”

At first you looked startled by his words, a whole range of emotions surging over your face, but then you steeled yourself almost immediately. “How long do I get with Matt?” You repeated.

Then he realized the truth. You were deliberately provoking him because you wanted him to lose his temper, because you needed to see the worst in him. To know that there was such a disconnect between you two that you had to resort to this, it shattered his fucking heart.

“I don’t have all day, Billy.”

He cradled your face in his hands, peering at you. “I would never hit you. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Your dismissive tone was like a punch to the gut and his voice cracked in response. “Tell me how to fix this.” You may have held his gaze but he couldn’t crack through the blank expression on your face. The thought of things always being like this between you two, no – fuck no. “Please.”

“There’s nothing to fix, because there’s nothing between us.”

“I’m your fucking husband!”

“Just because you got the same haircut as him and wear his clothes doesn’t mean you’re him.” Pain break through the blank expression, your lips trembling. “He’s gone, and you’re… nothing.”

He yanked you closer, gripping the back of your hair. “I’m the guy you love, the guy you married. And I’m not gonna let you move on like I mean nothing to you. Not gonna happen!” He forced a rough kiss on your lips, a reminder for you as much as himself. “Things might be shitty between us now but I’m not giving up on you.”

“How unfortunate for Dumont,” you sniped.

He hated that name and that bitch, and the pure chaos she fucking unleashed in his life. “Don’t bring her into this.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot. I’m not allowed to talk about her, right?” You laughed, the sound bitter and mirthless. “Why? Does Krista not like it? Or does it ruin the game for you two? Because that’s what this is, right? A game to see how much more you and Krista can fuck me over? Because hurting me gets you off?” Your eyes narrowed. “How does it work? Is it just me or do you guys play fucked up games like these with other women too?”

His lips curled with disgust. “You think I’m with her? I fucking hate her!”

“Very convincing, Billy. Too bad I’m not falling for your bullshit.” You eased his hands off your body, and he let you. “So let’s just end this, okay? You and Krista find someone else to play your games with, and let me be with Matt.”

“No, sweetheart. You’re not gonna be with Matt.” Every time you said that name it made him want to burn down the fucking world but he cautioned himself not to lose his temper. You were deliberately baiting him after all. “One hour. In public. That’s all the time you get to break up with him.” His fingers dug into your hips, reminding you that you belonged to him. “And if you see him again, he’ll die a very painful fucking death. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because you’re in my blood. Because I fucking love you.”

“If you loved me, you’d let me go.”

Laughing, he pulled away from you, shaking his head. “That’s not how we work, babe.” Hands in his pockets, he sauntered back and took a seat on the arm of the couch. “We’ve never been that kind of a couple. You know that.”

“I’m never going to love who you are now, Billy. I can’t even stand you.”

Your harsh words sliced through him like a knife, ripping apart his insides, but he covered up the hurt with a forceful smirk. “Yeah well, that doesn’t change my mind about anything. You’re still mine.”

Tension hung in the air as the two of you squared off, your eyes locked with his. “I don’t like being pushed into a corner. “

He sent you an affectionate smile, remembering your vengeful streak all too well. “I know that.”

“It never works out well for the other party.”

He cocked his eyebrow, his smile growing wider. “Are you threatening me, sweetheart?”

“Just sharing facts.”

“Go away with me and I’ll let you hurt me any way you want.” Billy knew he shouldn’t have been teasing you but he couldn’t help it – he loved this part of you. “I promise.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

Sighing, he stood up and approached you again. “You can’t keep running away from me forever, love. One of these days we’ll have to sit down and talk about us.”

“Or I could just make your disappear.”

He chuckled. “I need to go home and change, and I have some errands to run. I won’t be coming back to the office today.” Dropping a sweet kiss on your temple, he tucked a loose curl behind your ear. His smile faded, remembering you were going to meet with Matt. “One hour. That’s all you get with him.” He pulled back to study you. “I’ll be watching.”

Billy walked back to his desk to grab his things, aware of your eyes taking in his every move. He was at the door when he paused, turning back to look at you. “I am working on making things right between us. I swear.”

You stared back at him, apathetic mask now gone, eyes brimming with emotion.  “It’s too late for that.”

He shook his head ‘no’. “I like you. I want you. I’m not walking away.”

Your eyes widened, clearly recognizing the words he’d often said during the course of your relationship.

He smiled. “Don’t have fun tonight.” He exited the room, giving you time to gather your thoughts.

To be continued...

A/N - As always, thank you for the tremendous support. Helps keep me going  and stay inspired to finish this :)

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