#but i usually can remember the reference for each note and here i am blank what

[quetzalpapalotl]

I can't for the life of me remember whete the fuck I got that Megatron is 5.5 million years old and is driving me insane.

[the-east-art]

Hi Thank you for coming to my TED Talk about how I dont like the Grid Method for drawing

I think most people in their life have seen the grid method for copying a piece of art - if you haven’t seen it you can probably at least get an idea of it pretty quick. The grid method for art requires you to break a piece into a series of equal squares, and then transfer those squares onto a blank piece of paper divided into the equal squares of the same ratio. Conceptually this idea is very sound - rather than biting off the entire picture, you focus on each section. Theoretically, if you can make square A1 look like square A”1, and so on and so forth, you should finish with an identical drawing to your picture. I, personally, have a strong distaste for this method. It teaches bad habits - especially to younger and newer artists. (If you are a big fan of this method please read all of my rant first or at least scroll to the end where I will reiterate some of the perceived positives of the method)

The best way to discuss this is to start with a general idea of how we go about drawing something - especially something from a reference! I will try not to riddle this rant with disclaimers, but not everyone will draw using the same or similar methods, but this is the way that I was taught and when discussing with other artists they usually follow similar ideas: When you draw you go from big to little - from general to specific. Getting too specific too early is detrimental. This is an art rant, so let’s chat about this with some pictures. 

Here I have a picture of a square and a circle. Next to it I have my blank piece of paper, and I want to draw it EXACTLY THE SAME on the paper. To do this - whether consciously or not - I will start taking mental ‘measurements’ of various aspects of this composition. How far are these objects from the edges? How much space do they take up? And I will compare these objects to each other - which object is bigger? Where do they connect - is their point of contact halfway up the square or a quarter ways up the square? In the previous questions I am specifically focused on circle in relationship to the square, so it’s worth noting that if my square isn’t placed correctly then everything else will be placed incorrectly as well. Early on in a piece you want to keep lines light, ready to be changed if need be. One of my professors used to say that you wanted to avoid falling in love and getting married to a line as long as possible, because once you fall in love with your lines you will be reluctant to change them. 

Here I have a square and a circle - although maybe these have a little more details going on in them than our previous square and circle. Now maybe this is overwhelming, but remember we want to start from general and then get specific - our process for drawing this should look much the same as our previous painting! Starting with the outline and general shape! This brooch technically isn’t a circle - it’s scalloped on the edges - but before we put that information in we want to make sure we have the placement of it correctly both on the paper and in reference to our other elements - the square. When we feel confident in those elements, we can start SLOWLY adding the other information. A lot of art is about training the eye - we’re looking between the picture and our drawing, trying to see visually what the difference is and correct it. 

Naturally, the more complicated the piece the more complicated this process becomes. If we, for instance, have a person, thats’ a lot more to deal with. We once again want to work outside first. My professor was very big on outlines and shadows first and details slowly after that - so I would likely want to work on the external form, and some lines, and then work in blocky shadows, and fine-tune it from there. Once again let’s ask ourselves what will happen if we just start with the eye - and we spend HOURS drawing the perfect eye - only to realize that it isn’t in the right place in reference to everything else. We’d either have to erase that eye and all our work, rework the entire rest of the drawing, or leave it to look offputting and wrong. When you start art you can get preoccupied with features, when in reality they should be one of the last elements you definitively put in. 

There’s one last part about this that is relevant to my dislike for the grid method, and it’s the idea that when we’re looking at a piece we find commonalities along lines to help guide our art. For instance here we can see that one eye lies horizontally on the same plane and the back of the dogs head matches with a place on the coat - these can help guide us in making sure things are looking right! The grids may help us to see these things, but not necessarily.

Okay, back to the grid method. As I’ve stated earlier the grid method can be used well and the principles behind it are good - our neat squares provide an easier visual way to do the exact same stuff we were doing earlier - how far is the object from the edges and from each other etc etc. However these squares actually can encourage the artist to focus too closely - again either a square at a time or a feature at a time. In addition they narrow the focus of the artist away from the whole - instead of seeing how everything lays on the entire page, you focus on how things are lying in that specific tiny box. Art is usually a dance of in and out - close and far. Taking a step back. The grid method discourages this. 

I say this again aware that many people are extremely successful using this method - young auteurs who draw a giant portrait hyperrealistic. Leyendecker would use a grid to make his smaller drawings bigger (although I would argue he first had an understanding of the previous methods for the intiial drawing, and used the grid more for enlargement of the previous piece). People do this method and do it well… just more people learn bad habits from it that they have to fight against to progress. 

The last thing I want to say is about how the flaw, always, with the grid method is that it has to be something that you can place a grid on - you become confined to the paper and ruler. While the earlier method was taught to be through still life drawings, measuring with a stick, it was clear that this eye training and method was versatile, and could be used for anything you placed in front of me, the grid method becomes a shackle. And I know I know I know, but other artists have found ways around such a block - the perspective frame for painting has been used by many artists over the years, including Vincent Van Gogh - places somewhere to make the process of copying the real world easier - but why let yourself be confined willingly? If you are a big grid believer I would beseech you to AT LEAST try and expand your studies in addition to the grid formula - a healthy diet of many different kind of studies and practices and eye trainings is what we do to hopefully, one day, be able to put the designs in our head down onto paper accurately. 

Additionally, using the grid method provides no room for your to be using your instincts to help. I’ve been reading through ot3’s personal philosophy of composition and I found the line in the introductions where they discuss the idea of following your instincts very important. Part of my philosophy firmly believes that people understand art ephemerally without the need of words first, and overtime the act of art is becoming more aware of the words and phrases of certain concepts, so that we gain the ability to use and manipulate them purposefully. 

Anyway there ya go! Let me know your thoughts!

[lazybutsmexy]

Hey love, I've been re reading your Canary story and I find it really, really good. Every chapter is just chef's kiss. I love your writing very very much.

Excuse me if this has been asked before. I was wondering if you could tell more about how you write, your process. Some ideas of writing myself have been floating in my head but I am more of a visual person, i draw more and I have never written anything like that. (Only my university thesis 😭)

I am not sure where to start and if I should follow any guidelines or something. Any advice? 🫣

Hello sweet anon! You made my day with your kind words, and even more with asking me for advice.

I'm not an expert writer (if such a thing exists) but I can share my writing process with you. I will use some examples from BH since you've already mentioned it, and also because it's my most expansive piece so far. (Under the cut for length)

Brainstorming

Ideas, ideas, ideas! Write down your first ideas anywhere. Notes app, Google docs, a notebook you've got lying around, anything goes. This is the moment when you put into writing any ideas you've got - no matter if you think they're silly, or need a whole plot for that one idea to work - write it down. How did the process of your uni thesis start? You came up with an idea and wrote it down. How did BH start? I opened Google docs and wrote "Ghost x Reader x Soap where reader gets kidnapped and her boys gotta find her FAST. Lots of bird references. Her name could be Canary."

Rough draft

Here's where you start putting those ideas into a rough shape. More than a story, you're aiming for a descriptive text, like a review or a report on what's happening to whom, who are involved, etc. This is the moment where you may add notes about your characters, reader and/or OC, and start playing around with their personalities, how they behave in certain situations, how they think, how they feel, how they connect to other characters.

If you are a bit of a perfectionist like me, and want your writing to feel like you're watching a film, research, investigate, study from different sources on how to create a more expansive universe in your writing. If you're a visual-oriented person, a pinterest board will absolutely help you describe settings, events and characters. (read more on my personal approach on character description below)

Your rough draft doesn't need to be too long. Each chapter of BH started out as a couple paragraphs long, just a summary of what I wanted to write in each chapter. You can add whatever you like, though, even dialogues you can't get out of your head. Johnny and Simon's last lines in Ch 8 were the central piece of my rough draft for that chapter.

Writing

Now here comes the loooooongest part. Here's where you fill in the blanks of your rough draft. This is the moment when you open up all your sources, your thesaurus and dictionary, and go wild.

Character, setting and scene description gets stronger here. You could've started this part in the rough drafy - now amp it up to 100. Use as many words as you like - you will edit it later, don't worry.

Start setting the tone of your story here as well. BH has LOTS of suspense-filled moments, POV changes, and cliffhangers, mostly because that's my personal preference in readings. This is one source on how to write suspense (can't remember all the ones I looked up). Definitely research about different writing genres to see which one applies the best for your story, and set up the guidelines based on the advice from different sources. If possible, read other authors' works on the same genre you're aiming at to get a full picture of the things you should try, or try to avoid.

Take your time, if you feel stuck in one scene in particular, go on to the next one and go back to it with fresher ideas.

Editing

I don't usually spend a long time editing, but it's different for everyone. I recommend you find yourself a beta-reader who can read your story with a fresh mind and point out inconsistencies, grammar/syntax mistakes, etc. Beta-readers are the unsung heroes of writing. A good beta-reader will not only hype you up about how good your story is looking, but will also objectively help you fix anything that needs fixing, and may have escaped you during writing.

Now a few notes about character description that no one asked but I can't help it:

Fanfiction is great for beginner writers because you've already got a cheat sheet with characters that have already been created by someone else, and a fandom that fills in the blanks via headcanons.

When describing characters, I personally avoid physical descriptions like a plague, especially if that character is a reader insert or an OC. Physical description can sometimes behave like a box or a label that you put your character into and once they're there, they can hardly get out. I focus more on personality, feelings and emotions.

I also expand the character building throughout the story. Take Canary for example - you don't stop learning about her, her feelings, her emotions, her desires, her regrets, until the end of the story, and yet so much more was left unsaid. Also officer Melanie Kirk, you keep learning about what was she like even after she was gone from the story. Doesn't that make them feel more real? You never start learning about a person's character in real life anyway.

It got much longer than I expected, but I hope it helps! Happy writing!

[rjalker]

[ID: Three different pride flags, each with three versions. All have five horizontal stripes, with the colors listed in order from top to bottom. The first and last flag in each set is labeled with black text across the center stripe, with a blank version of the flag in between. The black stripes are in these versions extremely dark grey. The first flag is labeled, "Lithrose" and "Akoirose", and is red, orange, yellow, white, and black. The second flag is labeled "Lithsexual" and "Akoisexual" and is orange, pale orange, yellow, black, and ace purple. The third flag is labeled, "Lithromantic" and "akoiromantic", and is red-pink, pale orange, yellow, black, and aro green. End ID.]

Okay another offering for the community at large because I only just realized that the lithromantic / akoiromantic and lithsexual / akoisexual flags are the exact same thing.

I was really worried for a second I'd been calling the flag by the wrong name for years now, but, no...it's just one flag for both of them going by different names.

I don't remember how old the original flag is but I'm gonna just assume it's older than when the split attraction model started becoming more well-known...

anyways. To help clarify:

Lithrose / Akoirose: Where you feel attracted to someone but don't want it to be reciprocated, or you might stop feeling attracted once it is returned.

Lithsexual / Akoisexual: Where you feel sexually attracted to someone but don't want it to be reciprocated, or you might stop feeling attracted once it is returned.

Lithromantic / Akoiromantic: Where you feel romantically attracted to someone but don't want it to be reciprocated, or you might stop feeling attracted once it is returned.

=======

Please feel free to use the new pride flags here for literally anything you would use a pride flag for, no credit needed. Icons, headers, moodboards, redbubble designs, literally whatever you want. As far as I am concerned they're public domain.

(I use extremely dark grey in place of 100% solid black for the pride designs I make so they're visible against black backgrounds, and these were made on the templates I use for those, but you can obviously use 100% black if you want!)

The header versions of these will go in a reblog since they won't all be able to fit on this post.

(As a note, I usually refer to these with the prefix lith- rather than akoi- because that's easier for me to spell properly with my dyslexia, not because I have anything against the prefix akoi-)

[eddiemunsonsmiddlefingers]

Got another long one for ye ADHD friends courtesy of @sapphirecobalt-1

Most of my academic work involves reading and writing papers so my studying/note taking has developed to suit those needs. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice to offer when it comes to studying for something like a chemistry exam where specific information needs to be memorized (though I could certainly do some nosing around and offer thoughts on what I think might work).

With that said! Here ya go. Study and note taking thoughts from an adult with ADHD:

Lecture notes:

I handwrite my notes. I used to use notebooks, but now I use 3x5 index cards (blank/lineless, numbered in case I drop them) because they waste less paper, force me to be concise, and are easily replaced/reordered if I want to do that. If I forget my book/cards, I write in the front cover or margins of my textbook, on the back of printed articles, or I borrow paper from a classmate. One time I took notes on my forearm.

I never type my notes; in my experience it is actually better to take no notes at all and then summarize from what I remember later than it is to open my laptop in class for any reason.

My notes are usually just a bullet list of lecture topics and how they relate. If I can get a lecture outline ahead of time to help me visualize the structure it's helpful, but it isn't necessary for success.

I include my own thoughts/interpretations/questions with my lecture notes. In fact, I make a point of doing so, because it helps me process and internalize what I'm learning. However, I draw a box around them so I don't mistake them for lecture material.

Within a day or two of lecture I transcribe my notes, sans personal thoughts, into a Google Doc. I usually offer to take notes for a classmate or two at the beginning of term because it gives me external incentive to a) take notes and b) transcribe them in a timely fashion.

Once I'm done transcribing, I close the Doc and never open it again. (I'm not joking.) I have found that typing them out noticeably reinforces what I learned, but reviewing them in that format does nothing for me.

The thoughts and questions I had during lecture go onto their own notecards (one for each), with a line indicating where and how I had that thought. If they're related to something I've already studied or thought about, I'll put my new card with the existing card it's related to. I'll talk about my indexing system later on.

When I'm reviewing for midterms or lectures, I'll read through my physical cards rather than the Doc. I may or may not add new thought cards as I go.

Studying:

I learned the hard way not to study where I play, which means I don't do homework on my desktop. I don't even do homework in the same ROOM as my desktop. Ideally, I go to the school library and study there, but if that isn't possible I'll sit at my dining room table or on the porch.

Something about trying to read on a computer screen (or even a tablet) completely destroys my ability to pay attention / retain what I'm learning, so I print out assigned articles and rent or buy textbooks. Yes, I am aware this is terrible for the environment; one of the items on my 'to do' list is finding a solution to this problem.

My school has a 10 week term, so I have 10 folders. At the start of term, I put all my week 1 readings in the "week 1" folder, all of week 2 in week 2, etc. This means I only need to carry one folder around, and always know where to find xyz reading when I inevitably need to refer to it later. This doesn't work for classes with textbooks, obviously; for those, I'll include a single sheet with class name + assigned pages so I remember to read them.

At the end of term I take them all out and put them in an indexed binder so I can find them again when I need them (because chances are strong I will, given I'm taking classes super-focused on my specific area of interest), then reuse the folders for the next term.

I use the library to a potentially excessive degree. I study there, I walk through the stacks when I'm bored, I check out and read physical books to support my arguments in my papers, I talk to the librarians about what I'm studying to gain new insight…it's an infinitely useful resource AND it's inherently soothing to be there.

I write and doodle all over the stuff I print out and books that I own / are rented with a 'writing okay' clause. (I ended up purchasing a textbook I'd originally rented because I wrote "FUCK THIS SHIT WITH A BASEBALL BAT" in Sharpie up and down the margins of every page in a specific chapter. They would have accepted the return (no really, I've seen worse in rentals), but I rather treasure that memory, tbh.)

I also abuse the shit out of highlighters. I TRY to focus on the important points, but the thing is, I don't actually expect my highlights to be useful later. That's not why I use them. I do it because it keeps my brain on what I'm reading in the moment that I'm reading it, and saves my fingers from being chewed into oblivion.

I use 3x5 cards to note down the stuff that I do want to reference later, exactly the same as I do for lecture notes. I try to rephrase because again, processing aid, but sometimes I'll just write down exactly what the author said, in quotes. Either way I include the title, author, and page # on every card.

If I have my own thoughts about something I read I'll write all over the reading as I mentioned, but I'll also put them on their own cards, just as I do with my lecture thoughts. I always include the inspiring source, even if what I have to say includes no part of the source material, because I may not remember later and a) I may have misinterpreted what I read and b) plagiarism is bad.

New cards based on written (or video) source material are numbered chronologically. Personal thought cards added in later (from lecture or readings) have the related card's number + a letter. (So existing card 3 may have thought cards labeled 3A, 3B, 3C; if I have an additional thought related to 3C I would label it 3C.1, etc.) This is a fairly clunky adaptation of the zettelkasten method, which I'm hoping to fully adopt as I move into writing my thesis this year. It's like an analog wiki of your own brain and the entire concept fascinates me. Basically I have a rapidly growing collection of interconnected thoughts and resources at my fingertips when I'm writing papers and it's been world-changing.

I love music, but if I'm having trouble concentrating then music makes it worse, not better…even if there are no lyrics. This pisses me off to literally no end! However, it's inarguable that turning my music completely off is the only reason I finished one of my finals by the deadline last term.

A lot of academic writing is incredibly dull to read, and it can require herculean effort to stay on task even when I'm interested in the subject matter. I have had some success with reading only the first sentence of each paragraph in a reading, then going back and reading the whole thing. This sort of…mentally prepares me…for what's ahead in a way that a summary or abstract cannot.

The Pomodoro method also helps with dull readings; 10 minutes on one reading, stop, 10 minutes on another, stop, 10 minutes on a third, stop, 5 minute break, 10 more minutes on the first. Etc. If you do this, I'd recommend setting a bunch of timers ahead of time. Otherwise, every time you go to reset the timer you run the risk of being distracted by app notifications.

If I'm getting antsy and thinking about going home / getting food / checking social media when it isn't a break time, I try simply moving to a different table before I give up entirely. Sometimes I'm just tired of sitting still, so that slight shift is all I really need to get back into it.

I will put my phone in my backpack, zip it up, and put it under my table if I'm struggling to drag myself away from it. I also avoid opening my laptop until/unless I absolutely must.

If I'm really struggling to focus on writing a paper, I'll sign out of all my social media accounts and delete Discord off my laptop. It's easy enough to get back in when I'm done, but not SO easy that they remain an immediate distraction.

In direct contradiction to everything I've said about electronics being distracting: I've found that posting on Tumblr about what I'm up to / need to do / should be doing actually helps me get shit done—as long as I'm not doing that INSTEAD of studying. I suspect it loops back to the same external accountability thing that offering to take notes for my classmates gives me.

Okay. That was a lot. I'm happy to go into more detail about anything y'all have questions about!

[sugarbooger513]

Happy Birthday (Nanamixfem!reader)

I got the idea for this short one shot because it's my wifey's birthday!! Happy birthday @kentosovertime!! I love you, and I hope your day has been fantastic because you deserve it. Sorry to make you wait in suspense for your present.

Warnings: None. Complete birthday fluff.

When your eyes open, the right side of your bed is empty. The shape of your husband's body seems to be imprinted on the sheets. Husband.. The thought of finally being married still makes your heart race. The ring on your finger seems to glisten in the morning sunlight.

You sit up and stretch your arms high above your head, mentally preparing to take on the day. Nanami mentioned last night that he was called into work and couldn't refuse. He was upset, for obvious reasons.

This is your first birthday since you have been married. You know he wants to make it special for you.

Still, you reminded him that you would love him no matter what, and it seemed to lighten the load on his shoulders.

You quickly get dressed in your favorite outfit before going into the kitchen. To your surprise, a note was on the kitchen table, along with breakfast and a small wrapped box. You grab the note, smiling softly at Nanami's perfect handwriting.

Y/N,

Happy birthday my love. I'm terribly sorry I can't be home to celebrate. I made your favorite breakfast and set out one of your presents. I hope you enjoy them. I love you more than words can ever describe.

Kento

Folding the note carefully, you place it on the table again and grab the box. As per Nanami's usual style, it is wrapped perfectly, so you take your time as to not shred the wrapping paper.

Inside the small box is a heart shaped locket. When you open it, you can't help but giggle at the picture of you and Nanami together. It was from your first date, a picture that Gojo(who wasn't supposed to be there in the first place)managed to get. Neither of you were looking towards the camera. In fact, both of you had content smiles, staring across a cafe table at each other.

If you remember correctly, Gojo even took a few pictures when Nanami finally caught him. They're rather amusing to scroll through.

After placing the locket around your neck, you sit down to eat the breakfast he had prepared you. He even made the time to cut your favorite fruits into cute little heart shapes.

A knock at your door makes you place your fork down. Who would be here without calling? (Come on, you know that answer.)

"Y/N! Happy fucking birthday!!" You squeak when Gojo scoops you into his arm and spins you around. "G-Gojo! Thank you, but put me down!"

"Your loving husband has asked me to take you out today for your birthday!" "Nanami.. asked you?" "Shocker, right? I am your best friend, though, so I know what you like even more than he does." You roll your eyes.

"What do you have planned?" "Remember the park you and Nanami met at?" "Of course I do. Why?" He grins, leaning close to you. "Itadori and I planned a small party. Come on."

You can't help but smile at the mention of Itadori. It isn't uncommon for the boy to stay nights in your house. The three of you are like a family, and Nanami even has a "bad" habit of referring to Itadori as his son. It's quite funny when he's called out for it and he gets flustered.

The ride to the park didn't consist of much... except Gojo badly singing happy birthday to you for fifteen entire minutes. "Gojo," you eventually put your hand over his mouth, "I love you, but please shut up." "Fiiiine. Move or I will lick your hand. We're here."

Gojo is quick to hop out and open your door for you. "Nanami would kill me if I wasn't a gentleman." "Gojo.. you could deflect his attempts." He chuckles softly and offers you his arm. "Of course I could, but I would deserve it."

You link your arm to his and allow him to lead you through the park. Eventually you come to a set of picnic tables with people gathered. Itadori and his friends, Nobara and Megumi, smile widely as you approach. Behind them is an all too familiar smile.

"K-Kento? I thought you-" "I lied, dear. My apologies, but I wanted to get this set up without you spoiling your surprise." You pull your arm from Gojo and pretty much run to Nanami, where he's waiting with open arms to catch you.

"Did you enjoy your breakfast?" "I did, but I wish you wouldn't have lied to me." He chuckles and places a soft kiss on the top of your head. "Hmm, I know. I promise that today will make up for it, okay?" You finally take the time to look at his outfit. He even thought to wear the button up you consider your favorite.

"Are you dressing up the way I like on purpose, Kento?" He snorts a bit of laughter. "Where did you get that idea?" "I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen you wear blue jeans." He rolls his eyes as everyone else starts to laugh.

The kids walk to you, all offering their gifts they got you. Megumi made you a keychain of his demon dogs (which he always lets you pet since you love them so much), and Nobara got you some really pretty earrings that match the locket.

Itadori walks over nervously. "Yuji? Why are you shaking?" You're quick to place your hands on his face. It isn't like him to get nervous.

Nanami is quick to move from your side to Itadori's. "It's going to be okay, Yuji. She'll love it." He meets Nanami's eyes, and a smile finally graces his features. "You're right. Sorry. Here you go."

The small envelope feels like it could pop open any second with everything shoved in there. You open it slowly and pull out a stack of papers. Before you open them, you notice tears build up in Itadori's eyes.

"Honey, why are you-" Nanami raises his hand, stopping your sentence. "Just.. just open them." He pulls Itadori into a hug, whispering to him words you can't hear.

The first page is mostly blank, aside from Itadori's full name. The second one has a lot of stuff on it.. and then you see Nanami's signature.

"K-Ken.. are these..?" He looks at you with a smile, tears forming in his warm, brown eyes. "He asked last month. I couldn't say no." Itadori looks at you, still leaning into Nanami's embrace.

"You two are the best p-parents I could ask for and.. Nanami has been working so hard to get it approved. It.. it was hard because I'm already a teenager.. but I want to be your son."

With out even thinking about it, you drop the adoption papers on the floor and join the two in the embrace. Your own tears stain Nanami's shirt, next to Itadori's, but he can't seem to care.

"Yuji, you know I'll say yes. Y-you've been ours for so long already." You take a second to wipe tears from your son's face, which only makes him cry more.

Nanami kisses both of you on the top of your head and holds you two a little longer, willing his own tears away despite them already streaming down his cheeks. He can't seem to quit smiling, knowing that the two people he loves most in the world are now his family.

The party goes on, Nanami and you mostly making plans on how to decorate Itadori's bedroom for him to move in. Truly, the family the two of you have put together is the greatest birthday present of all.

Oh, Gojo ended up giving you a present after the party. He snuck a picture of the three of you crying and holding each other. Nanami tried to act mad, but ended up thanking Gojo for being there.

A/N: Happy birthday Kaitlyn. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. ❤💕

[c-aureus]

My opinions on the relationship between Link and Zelda in BotW, and why I personally detest romantic BotW Zelink:

A strong title, I am aware. I'm aware of the risk this runs of causing a right shitstorm lol.

I'd like to preface this essay with the disclaimer that all of the following are merely my interpretations. It is completely fine if you disagree with me.

My views are not any more or less valid than anyone else's, and do not invalidate conflicting opinions.

Nevertheless, if you are an avid BotW Zelink shipper who does not wish to hear a great deal of criticism about this pairing, then I suggest you do not read this post.

If, however, you are curious to hear my opinions, then I merely request that you keep an open mind, and be respectful of everyone else's interpretation. I will admit that these interpretations are integral to my characterisations within my fanfic series.

OK, so. Firstly. I do not think that anyone can reasonably argue with the fact that Zelda treats Link AWFULLY in the earlier memories. Indeed, BotW makes a rather large point of showing just some of the ways Zelda mistreats Link.

For context, Link is appointed as Zelda's Royal Guard by her father, the King. It is, therefore, his sworn duty to protect her, and he doesn't really have any say in the matter. But I believe that he would be proud to serve his kingdom in this capacity.

Zelda, however, takes great offence to his presence. She takes out her frustration by constantly belittling and berating Link, (knowing that she will not face repercussions for her mistreatment due to their respective positions) and repeatedly trying to escape his escort, despite the fact that he is there for her safety, and despite his best efforts to be as unobtrusive as possible to her.

And then, when Link finds her, because he is devoted to his duty of protecting her, she berates him again.

For merely doing his job.

What Zelda is showing here is that she holds utter contempt for Link and his duty, and actively tries to make his job, and his life, miserable. I cannot imagine the stress Zelda's constant absconding would have on Link, given that if he fails his duty to keep her safe, it's his arse on the line. Plus the entirety of Hyrule's arse too, given Zelda's destiny that she needs to perform.

We know from Zelda's diary that Link, despite his blank facade, IS hurt by her blatantly hurtful actions, as is completely natural and normal in his circumstances.

Now, to be completely fair, I believe that Link is highly sympathetic to Zelda. He understands why she mistreats him, especially since Urbosa spells it out in her cutscene. He understands that Zelda is in an unenviable position, and that she is taking out her frustration and anger for not being able to live up to her destiny on him.

However, despite this understanding and sympathy, that does not mean that the hurt Zelda has caused him vanishes.

He has an explanation for her behaviour. But it is NOT an excuse.

So anyway. Zelda's behaviour continues until the Gerudo desert. Remember that Zelda fled from Link's protection (again) to go to the Gerudo Town, where Link is not allowed to set foot as a male. After he tracks her down to Vah Naboris (in the dead of night - dude must have been walking all day across a desert to reach her), Zelda's first reaction when she sees him is scorn. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be.

Anyway, the next morning, Zelda ditches him YET AGAIN, making her way across the desert alone.

When she is jumped by Yiga Assassins. Who come within moments of killing (or worse, capturing) her, until Link comes flying out of nowhere to save her.

(On a little side note, some people think this is where Zelda fell in love with him. And really, at this point, Zelda knows nothing about him, since she'd never before given him the time of day. She, at best, has a crush on the concept of a Saviour)

Now, fair play to Zelda in that after this pivotal moment, she changes her attitude and behaviour towards Link, even admitting to her previous faults in her diary. This shows a surprising maturity that contrasts her previous childishness.

However, again, this does not make all of the hurt she caused him just vanish.

Now, over the next months, I believe that Zelda and Link became very close friends. Especially given that Zelda was so starved for relationships. And they come to know each other very well, especially with Zelda sympathising with Link's lack of choice in his own destiny, similar to herself.

However, well... even after this point, Zelda still mistreats Link.

I'm referring primarily to the Frog Cutscene.

Now, to preface this, in this instance, I do not believe that Zelda is behaving maliciously to Link intentionally. I believe that she is trying to tease him.

However, her behaviour is not ideal.

In this cutscene, Link shows extreme discomfort with Zelda's insistence that he eat the live frog. This is especially significant, given his usual stoicness. The fact that Zelda causes this reaction means that he feels extremely strongly about this issue.

However, Zelda keeps insisting and pushing him, effectively taking her teasing too far, and causing Link more discomfort. Because who would want to eat a frog? (No offence to French people).

Now, coming from my own experience of having friends take teasing too far with me, and having unfortunately done the same with other people, I can say with absolute certainty that Zelda's behaviour here is not ok. Especially given Link's very apparent discomfort here.

However, there is also another aspect here that I've never seen anyone else mention.

Namely that, despite Zelda's wishes of friendship, she holds authority over Link, as Princess of the Kingdom.

As a Knight, he is duty bound to follow Zelda's orders and instructions. And one could argue that Zelda's insistence could be viewed in the context of her 'ordering' Link to eat the frog. Of course, I do not believe that this is her intention, but, from Link's perspective, there is definitely cause for reasonable doubt.

Which forces Link into the exceedingly awkward decision of having to refuse what MIGHT be an order from the Princess.

And, especially framed in the context of Zelda's previous immature, unfair behaviour towards him, he doesn't know if his refusal might cause Zelda to get all stroppy with him. Let alone other, more significant consequences that might arise from disobeying his superior.

And I feel sorry for Zelda here, seeing that she wants to view Link as a friend (or potentially more), however she must know that they are both bound by their respective positions at this point. Her behaviour is... inappropriate, and as sorry as I feel for her, that does not change the fact that she's dumping Link in an extraordinarily awkward position, and being very unfair to him.

Because, if Link does take issue with her behaviour, what can he do to stop it? Zelda is the princess, and he has no right to tell her what she can and cannot do.

Now, that is effectively the crux of my argument, however I will also note that I interpret Link to be extremely depressed in BotW, due to how much he has lost, and how he is grieving the deaths of well... everyone he's ever known, many of whom he cannot even remember. He's grieving the death of an entire civilisation, as well as people extremely close to him.

In such circumstances, it would be natural for him to resent the fact that Zelda did not awaken her power sooner, and resent Zelda's decision to have him resurrected, even in spite of him understanding the necessity of it.

Basically, whilst I interpret Link and Zelda to be very close, I am very strongly against the idea that Link would form romantic feelings for her, due to his formative impressions of her being filled with mistreatment and abuse. Whilst I do not doubt that he forgives her, the fact remains that first impressions are important. And Link's first, second, third... (and so on) impressions of Zelda are... unfavourable.

If this happened to me, then, perhaps with a healthy dose of sympathy and understanding, I could come to forgive the one who has mistreated me so extensively, as I believe Link does for Zelda.

However, I do not think that I could ever fall in love with them.

And, whilst this was not meant to involve my interpretations about Miphlink, I will say that during the whole time Zelda was abusing and disrespecting Link, Mipha was nothing but kind, accepting, caring and devoted towards him.

As such, if the sequel explicitly puts Link and Zelda into a romantic relationship, or even just strongly implies it, I will be...

Honestly, I'll be furious. Because this would run so completely contradictory to all of my interpretations about BotW and the characters.

I pray that they write with subtlety and leave reasonable room for interpretation.

Once again, these are only my interpretations. If you wish to add your own, then feel free. I'm all for having a reasonable, respectful and informed debate on the matter. However, please remain respectful of other opinions, whatever your interpretation is.

[yesimwriting]

Falling Angels: chapter two

A/n took me longer to get around to writing part 2 than i thought!! i didn’t know there was an audience for this idea but im glad you guys liked it!!

Im adding a country to the grishaverse to make my story work,, def not a big deal i just needed a country in which i could control the history of without worrying about conflicting with cannon lol 

Link to part one: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/yesimwriting/652318577650696192 (lmk if this works ive never linked something to a tumblr post lol)

Series Summary: Y/n is a rising star in the most famous circus in Ketterdam because of her ability to see the future. Unfortunately for her, Kaz Brekker knows more of her backstory than he should, and he’s willing to use that to his advantage. The one thing he’s not betting on? That he doesn’t know her entire story

Chapter summary: Y/n gets a visitor before getting tricked into the most dangerous show of her life. 

Pairng: SOC x reader, Kaz Brekker x sunshine-y! Psychic! Reader 

--

My father seemed to love me more after two glasses of something amber. It was after these two glasses that he would tell me realities his inebriated self believed I needed to internalize. He’d pat my head affectionately and smiled at me as he told me that the world was a bad place. Most of his lessons are lost in my mind, but the one I remember most clearly is that there’s no such thing as a kept secret. There’s always a leak or a flaw or a factor you could not account for. He told me that if I wanted to keep a secret, I would have to decide what I was willing to risk for it. 

I know from Seria’s reaction to his presence that listening to Kaz is a risk, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take for my secret. “I don’t know what you think I am, but you’re mistaken.” It doesn’t really matter that he believes me. I have the paperwork I need to disprove him. “I have to get to my tent.” 

“The princess gets her own tent?” His words are saturated by mock casualness but I can feel his pride on how he delivered that line. 

My body is still tense from balancing over flames and his confidence only adds to my desire to unravel. I can’t get angry here. Not at him. Not with the way he grips that cane of his. “I don’t understand what--” 

“You may be able to play pretend here where no one wants to look twice at you, but I know what you are.” His stiffness leaves my skin prickling. “I know who you are.” 

I swallow back my panic. “Then who am I?” 

“You’re that king’s bastard--the one with a high bounty on her head.” Don’t back down. Even the smallest crack will confirm his story. “As long as she’s returned alive.” 

Thoughts of what my father would do to me if ever given the chance strike me with more anxiety than his presence does. “I’ve heard of the girl you’re talking about,” I admit, the lie leaving me as easily as the air leaves my lungs when I exhale. “But I’m not her.” 

“You’re not from Ketterdam, if you were you would have known who I was after you friend referred to me as Dirtyhands.” I have no defense, but I never claimed to be from Ketterdam. “You make your business claiming to be a psychic.” I am a psychic, but now is not the time to make that argument. “Elkosa is a relatively small and self efficient port kingdom, the island is nothing more than a jagged coastline barely larger than Ketterdam, but I have connections in all places.” He knows someone from Elkosa? I have to fight the instinct to move all of my weight on the balls of my feet, prepared to run. “A captain of the royal fleet told me the story of the night the King’s bastard ran into the meeting room the night before ten ships were meant to sail to Ravka.” 

He studies my reaction as I struggle to keep my expression blank. “None of that seems connected.” 

“Patience is a virtue most Saints are familiar with.” I roll my eyes. “The bastard couldn’t have been more than nine at the time, but the guards did not want to let her in. The King told them to let her interrupt. The sailor noted this because he had never made an exception to his meeting before. The girl described a nightmare to her father, a nightmare of a storm and ten dead birds. The king did not comfort her, she finished her story by saying that he asked to know about all of her dreams. She went back upstairs and the King continued the meeting as normal but the next day the King cancelled the trip.”

I remember that night as the night I realized that if I’m not careful, I’ll feel what I see in my visions. It felt like I was drowning. I felt the death of each of those men and instead of comforting me, my father nodded once like I had offered him advice and sent me back to my room. “And?” My defense is weak, my mind too lost in the memories of drowning. “Many smaller countries are superstitious.” 

“The next day the worst storm to have impacted that ocean occurred. For four nights and three days the storm continued.” 

I press my nails into my palms. “You don’t believe that I am precognitive, so that sailor’s unverified story has nothing to do with me.” 

“A princess that can see the future disappears at the same time a failing circus hires a girl who has no business in this city who claims to be able to see the future.” He adjusts his stance, taking pressure off the cane as if he’s preparing to need to use it for something else. “I am not fool enough to believe in coincidence.” 

“And I am not fool enough to crack beneath the vague threats of a man. In my experience, men always threaten with a blade when really all they’re in possession of is a butter knife. Try to drag me from here kicking and screaming, find a way to incapacitate me and put me on a ship to Elkosa, but when the King sees that you brought him a stranger he will have your head.” 

He blinks, expression hard as stone. I tense, preparing for a physical blow. “I didn’t expect you to be a half-decent liar, but I should have.” I bite my tongue to avoid resorting to something I can’t take back. Like begging. “Even if it’s in only half your blood.” 

“I am not her.” My stubbornness burns more than the need to survive. I inhale, hoping to shake the grasp of the sensation but it only worsens. The pinch of dread in my chest is heavy and familiar. A vision. 

No. Not now--not in front of him. I push against it even though I know that only makes it worse. Not now. Not now. I should be grounding myself but all I can think about is how stupid I am and how bad this situation is.

--

“I’m not an idiot, I know to be quiet. I see myself crouched somewhere dark. 

“Being defensive doesn’t make you any more intelligent.” It takes me a minute to recognize Kaz in the darkness. 

We’re somewhere small, our backs against the same wall but our shoulders do not touch. This vision is enshrouded by the feel of panic. 

This other me grimaces, but her eyes lack anger, “Remind me why I agreed to help you again?” 

“You never told me why,” he admits, “you can change your mind on participating and I can change my mind on whether or not you're more useful than your father’s money.”

Something loud crashes from behind the door we’re both staring at. “You’ll have no use for me or my father’s money if we die here.” I squeeze my hands together. 

He hesitates, “My ghost will.” 

The future-me almost smiles. “I wonder if I’ll be able to see ghost futures.” I hesitate, something strange behind my eyes. “I wonder if that can exist, if there’s a future beyond endings.” 

Future-Kaz is silent for a long second. “There should be,” he says, “for someone like you, at least.” 

I watch the way I take in his words. “You’d be there, too,” my voice is low, “your ghost at least.” I turn my head, staring at the door instead of him, “If you weren’t, I’d miss the brooding.” 

--

The vision leaves me with sweaty palms and swirling thoughts. All of my visions do that. Not all of them make me feel so confused. Apparently, he needs help and I agree to do so. At one point we’ll be pushed into a life or death situation and I won’t loathe him. 

I blink twice, forcing myself to hold onto the reality in front of me. I don’t have to agree--the future isn’t set in stone. For all I know tomorrow morning I’ll have a vision in which he kills me. 

“Are you ignoring me?” 

Shaking my head, I turn to face him. “You need help.” I don’t wait for his reaction. “You’re not here to return someone to the King of Elkosa, you’re here because you need someone that can see the future.” 

“I--” 

“It’s not that you won’t take me to Elkosa, it’s that you’d rather use my abilities for something.”

I’m confusing him again, but that’s okay. I’d rather deal with him confused than angry. “I need to know how a certain business deal of mine is going to be worth what it costs.”

He’s spent the entire time claiming he doesn’t believe in my power. Was that some kind of tactic? In the vision I saw, despite the panic surrounding the situation I didn’t feel panicked around him. The probability of that future occurring is probably low. I’ve been wrong before, the future changes too much for me to know everything. 

“That’s not how readings work,” I admit, “I don’t have that much control on them. Most of them come to me randomly. The events I see always involve me or someone I care about to a certain capacity. I can give someone a general glimpse into their future but I can’t promise I’ll see what they want. Sometimes I can see the general vision by just focusing on their energy but usually I need some physical contact for it to work.” That seems like a fair explanation. “Oh--and not all of my predictions come true, most are blurry, few are solid--the future is always moving.” 

Wait...the vision I saw where I was with Kaz wasn’t blurry. Those can be wrong, but it’s much rarer. Do I really agree to this? 

“Then maybe I should make it involve you.” His aggression has me forcing myself to stand my ground. He can threaten me all he wants but that won’t change things. “Or take the money your father would give me and cut my losses.” 

Every time I’ve purposefully destroyed a solid vision, something bad has happened. I’m genuinely considering it. “What do you need a psychic for, anyways?” 

“To get through the Fold.” 

Despite everything, I laugh. “I’ve never seen anyone get through the Fold, literally or in my visions.” 

He’s unphased by my doubt. “It’s happened.” 

I really don’t want to help him. “Well then good luck, I’m happy to part ways here.” 

I manage one step forward before he moves his cane in front of my path. I’m getting tired of this. “You’re assisting me one way or the other, whether that aid will be financial or through your services is up to you.” 

Anger pinches in my stomach the way it often does when I’m told what to do. The one thing centering me is the vision still reflecting in my thoughts. There’s no denying it--I had felt comfortable with him. There is a future in which I feel comfortable with him and I’m not sure I’ll be able to avoid it. 

“I won’t get in trouble for you,” I tell him, “The Ringmaster holds onto those indentured to him, especially the commodities that bring him profit.” 

There’s something stiff about his silence. I wonder if he’s always like this, pushing the weight of his presence onto those around him without saying a word. “When I have a goal, it is achieved. I’ll speak to him.” 

I cannot imagine a conversation I want to be involved in less. The Ringmaster and this man that Seria had labeled ‘Dirtyhands’. “I just had a vision--I saw your entire conversation and it ends with you missing an arm.” His stoic expression does not shift. “Okay, I’m aware that it wasn’t the funniest joke, but throw me a bone--you threatened to kidnap me and sell me to my father in order to extort me and I’ve been nothing but polite to you.” 

He’s quiet for a moment, something in his expression changing in a way I can’t read. “All you’ve done is lie since the moment you started to speak to me.” 

The optimist in me would like to think that his annoyance counts for banter. I shrug, feeling a little lighter than I did a second ago. I’m certainly not comfortable but I’m starting to see how to put up with the tension without letting it strain me. “Well, polite for my standards.” 

I let him brood. “You must have done well as a royal.” 

My past cuts through the peace I managed to grab onto. It’s not his fault, he has no way of knowing what the castle was like for me. I open my mouth, but I don’t know what I’m going to say. “I had my moments,” I finally settle on, hoping the echo of pain isn’t visible behind my eyes. 

I guess it doesn’t matter if he sees me bleed. He’s heartless, and I hate sympathy. 

“Y/n,” Seria’s voice is genuine anger, “You’ve turned into an idiot--first the tightrope walk and now entertaining whatever deal he’s trying to coax from you.” I love Seria, she’s the reason I didn’t die in the street when I first arrived in Ketterdam, but she sees me as a mindless child. “Whatever he told you, whatever he promised you--it’s a lie.” 

“He hasn’t promised me anything.” I need to calm her down. Once she’s calm, everything will be normal again. “And he knows.” I don’t have to turn to feel the way Seria gapes at me. “He knows who I am, so I have to do what he wants.” 

“You never have to do anything a man is forcing onto you, y/n. We’ll find a way--” 

“Seria, it’s fine,” I reach to touch her arm, “I’ll be fine, you can’t protect me from everything and you don’t have to.” 

Kaz throws a pointed glare at the man who was with him earlier. When did the stranger get here? “Boss, she’s faster than she looked, but I have what we need to get the girl--” 

“You’re late,” Kaz sighs, bored, “she’s agreed.” 

Wait--what was he going to do if I didn’t agree? “Out of curiosity, what are you talking about?” The man blinks twice, squeezing a rag between his ring-clad fingers. “You were going to use chloroform to kidnap me, weren’t you?” 

For some reason I don’t understand, the stranger gives me a look that’s a cross between sheepish and charming. “Nothing personal.” 

“Or original.” 

Seria pinches my arm. “Y/n,” she scolds, “your sense of humor is going to kill me one of these days.” 

I cringe, pulling my arm away. “When I met you, you were pickpocketing in the pleasure district, please remember that.” 

She rolls her eyes. “An attitude like that is going to leave you without a place to sleep at night.” 

I take her comment for the empty threat it is. Every other day she’s threatening to kick me out of her private trailer so that I’m forced to fight for cots or speak to the Ringmaster about my lodging arrangements. He’d give me what I want, but speaking to him feels so slimy I’d sleep in the woods before trying it. 

“Kaz.” I turn my head in time to see the girl that gave me the advice about the tightrope walker. “We need to go, he’s coming soon--you’ll do better to speak to him in the morning after she’s gone, that way he has nothing to hold over your head.” 

“Once I’m gone?” The girl had called me a Saint. I can appeal to her. “I’m not--I’m not going anywhere, I said I’d help.” 

Her eyes widen, sympathy reflected clearly in her dark irises. “There was never a version of this in which you ended up staying here.” I hear a hint of apology in her voice. “You won’t believe me, but I promise this will be better for you.” All of her pity is gone with those, replaced by something hard.

Seria responds for me, “I think you should go.” 

“What?” 

She almost smiles, but her eyes are painfully sad. “I never wanted you to be here forever. I don’t trust these people, but I trust their ability to get you out of here, even if only for a little while. Bad things are coming, and I think you’ll miss the worst of it if you go now.” 

What she alludes to is a blade in my heart. “You want me to leave you here to deal with it?” 

“Y/n, I’ve been hurt here more times than I can count--”

“No, I won’t leave y--” 

Seria squeezes my shoulder, “It’s not forever.” When she wants something, it’s almost impossible to get around it. “Besides, if I need you, you’ll see it.” 

My world feels to have lost the vibrance of color. I’ve left so much, but I let myself believe I wouldn’t leave her. I pull her into the hug. “The moment I see a vision of you in any type of danger, I’m coming back.” I hug her even tighter when she tries to pull away so that I can whisper something in her ear, “I’ll use this opportunity to leave the Ringmaster and then I’ll get you out, and together we’ll leave Ketterdam. We’ll find your child, like you always wanted to and they’ll know that they're lucky because they’re the only kid in the world to have you as a mother.” 

She squeezes me so tightly I find it hard to take full breaths. “Two,” Seria whispers, “I have two children.”

My eyes burn as her words find their way into my heart. “I love you, Seria.” 

“I love you too, my star,” she pulls away enough so that I can look her in the eye, “you don’t like being called a Saint, but I can’t think of anyone more deserving of the title.” 

Tears prick my eyes as she releases me. “I’ll find you.” 

“He’ll be coming soon,” the girl warns, “He spoke to an advisor about wanting to find you after the show.” 

No doubt to praise the fire stunt he forced onto me. Bastard. I nod once but I don’t move. I can’t bring myself to leave Seria until the girl places a hand on my elbow. 

--

Falling Angels Taglist: @glowstick-lesbian @cashlum @whatiswrongwithpeople @pass-me-jeez-it @thecraziestcrayon

[one-boring-person]

Hi, it's me again lol. I'm not very well, could you do one with Lost Boys, which the reader suffers with depression until one day she is about to try something to end the pain, but the boys find her and stop her plan? Something cute with them talking to her, hugs and they even decide to take her in. If you don't want to because it's too triggering, that's fine, I'll understand. I'm really sorry if it's bothersome, it's just that I needed some comfort with them and you write so well.

Oh no, I hope you feel better after reading this! I'm sorry it's so short!💛❤ and thanks for the compliments!

Why Did You Stop Me?

The Lost Boys x reader

Warnings: SUICIDAL THEMES, mention of death

Masterlist

A/n: this is the closest I will get to writing suicide (for future reference for others)

Wind tears around the four vampires as they race up the road, each thanking whatever God there is that their bodies don't get tired from exertion like this, though they use the same breath to curse them. Normally, they'd be much faster, using the air to get exactly where they need to be, but nature is playing a cruel trick on them today: a storm rages around Santa Carla, the wind and rain far too strong for flying to be of any real use. It does nothing to help the panic sparking through their systems, bodies tense as they push through the whirling haze of rain, eyes wide in terror. None of them, not Paul, not Marko, not Dwayne, not even David, can remember the last time they were as frightened, as helpless as they felt now.

Paul leads, his naturally leaner body moving faster than the others, though Dwayne is right on his tail, Marko and David bringing up the rear, their coats flying out behind them. None of them speak, each too focused on getting up the hill they've ridden up so many times, the stretch feeling longer than it ever has done. The sharp ridge of the bridge up ahead is already in view, the structure so familiar to them, a place they never thought would be used for anything except their own enjoyment. 

As they finally crest the top of the hill, a familiar figure comes into view, their silhouette almost invisible through the rainstorm as they stare down at the gaping drop below them. It's heartbreaking for the vampires to see this, the set to the figure's shoulders dejected, slumped and weak, something they've come to notice in past months, though they always tried to curb it. They tried all sorts: nights out on the Boardwalk, movie nights in their home, food dates, motorbike rides, everything. It had looked like it was working, like their efforts were making a change, but it was only tonight that they figured out it made no difference. The note they found at the cave had told them that their efforts were appreciated, but that, though they had tried, it wasn't enough. Not this time.

Their brains had gone blank as they tore from the hotel, forgetting their bikes as they started the long run to the bridge, where they knew she'd be waiting, ready to commit one last act.

Now, as they race out over the edge of the hill, they call out to her, Paul breaking into a sprint as he gets close. She looks over at them, eyes widening as she freezes in place, before she turns back to the drop, moving closer to the edge. 

Paul visibly strains to move faster, hair fanning out around his face as he leaps to catch (Y/n), who finally steps off of the edge. 

The others skid to a halt, screaming out to her as she starts to plummet to the black depths, hearts dropping in terror, their voices raw with pain and horror, pleading lacing their tones. David, Marko and Dwayne can only watch as Paul throws himself off after her, arms outstretched as he calls out to her, desperation driving him forwards. 

For a moment, there is no sound except the howling wind around them, the rain pelting the floor beating out a rhythm they don't pay any attention to, the three vampires frozen in place in terror. Genuine fear is etched into David's expression, his face more open and vulnerable than either Dwayne or Marko can recall it ever being, but then so are theirs. Stock still, they remain where they are, staring out over the empty crack in the ground, every particle within them being used to pray for (Y/n)'s survival and Paul's success. He'd always been a fast flyer, so he definitely stands a good choice of catching her.

Minutes pass, before Paul finally emerges back over the lip of the cliff, a body cradled in his arms. In the dark, the others can tell he's distraught, his eyes wide as he stares down at the girl in his grip, the limp figure curled into his chest. Instantly, the other three leap into the air, fighting the harsh winds as they move to crowd round their friend, anxious to know if (Y/n) is alright.

"She fainted...she's alive." Paul manages out, sounding breathless as he holds (Y/n) closer to him.

Relief floods them all, teary eyes closing as they thank whatever is out there that she's still with them, that she hasn't been taken away from them prematurely.

*

It's a few hours later that (Y/n) finally comes to again, finding herself confused and disoriented as she wakes in a bed full of four other bodies, each curled around her. The feeling is comforting, but she can't help the small spark of disappointment that flares up within her as she realises she's still alive. Groaning, she leans her head back, surprised when it meets the hard ridge of someone's collarbone. She glances up, eyes widening in surprise as she sees David watching her, his piercing eyes softer than usual. The look instills a sense of security within her, and she glances around her again, taking in the other vampires holding her. Dwayne lies to David's right, his head on her shoulder, whilst Marko uses her stomach as a pillow, Paul lying between her legs, his head on one of her thighs. All of them are watching her, relief written into their features.

"You're awake." Paul murmurs, his warm blue eyes meeting her's.

Tired, she simply nods, somewhat unhappy with that fact. They notice this, and their grips tighten around her. All is silent for a long while, (Y/n) sinking back into the dark thoughts that spring unbidden to mind.

"Why did you stop me?" She finally asks, voice quiet and hoarse.

"Because none of us would be able to live without you, and you were trying to take yourself away far too early. We couldn't let you do that to yourself when you've got a whole life ahead of you." David says, reassuring her with the rhythmic rubbing of his hand over her arm, "We love you too much."

"But why? I'm not happy with who I am, I hate existing, and, apart from you guys, there is nothing left for me to live for!" She argues back, frowning angrily.

"We love you for who you are and we know full well that you have a lot of opportunities that you'll miss out on. We want to help you learn to love yourself as much as we do, we're here for you, (Y/n). We always have been, as long as we've known you." Dwayne interjects, smiling down at me gently.

Rendered speechless by the confession, (Y/n) opens and closes her mouth a few times, trying to figure out an argument in response, before Marko leans up and places a finger over her lips.

"What they're saying is true. We all love you far too much just to let you go so easily. We're gonna fight with you and we're not gonna let you surrender, ever, because you have so much to live for. There are loads of people who care about you, it just seems like there aren't many because the world had a cruel way of making life difficult for us all. You're appreciated, (Y/n), by loads of people." The shorter blonde smiles, "Mostly by us, though.

"Yeah, (Y/n), we need you in our lives. You're so important to us." Paul chips in, watching her.

Again, (Y/n) struggles to find the words she wants, unsure of how to react though her heart has flooded with love and security, chasing off the darkness. She makes a few noncommittal sounds at first, until David interrupts her.

"Come on, we'll talk more about this tomorrow night. Right now, you need to get some sleep." The blonde vampire hums, holding her closer to him as the others cuddle closer, too, pressing their bodies to hers. 

"Thank you." (Y/n) murmurs after a little while, relaxing into the vampires' grip, feeling exhaustion starting to take over.

"Of course. We're always here for you." Dwayne purrs back, the boys cradling her until she falls asleep, the four of them unbelievably relieved that they got to her in time.

[echoghost1]

The Group Project From Hell

Word Count: 3396

For: @ghostgothgeek

Summary: Danny and Tucker get stuck working with someone that they really don't want to

My final contribution to Phic Phight during the time limit (and just barely at that)!

*throws confetti and then cries*

Anywho....

You can read the fic on AO3 or down below the cut as per usual!

“Alright class, I need you to break up into groups of three,” the teacher started and immediately the room broke into chaos as everyone started to gather up with their friends. Most could just share a look and nod or point to each other. Others decided they needed to push their desks together now. And a few had to cross the room because they had been separated for talking too much.

Danny and Tucker just reached out across the small aisle between them and held hands with each other without even needing to look. They would have reached for Sam too, but she didn’t have this class with them.

Once most of the class had reached their favorite people, and a couple of larger groups had finished debating over how they would break up, the teacher spoke up again.

“Is anyone not in a group?” the teacher asked as they looked around the room for any stragglers.

One lone hand made itself known.

“Ah, well let’s see,” the teacher pondered aloud as they scanned the room for the perfect place to put them.

It was then that Danny realized that his group was the only option. He slowly sunk into his seat and was torn between actually making himself and Tucker invisible or just letting this happen.

His only hope was that maybe the teacher would just not perceive them like usual.

He was not that lucky.

“Ah, perfect!” the teacher said with a single clap, “Why don’t you join Mr. Fenton and Mr. Foley.”

Knowing there was no way out of it, Danny just huffed and tried not to glare at the unwanted addition to his team.

The odd man out looked between the two with a wince and turned back towards the teacher, “Can’t I just work alone instead?”

The teacher rolled their eyes with a scoff, “The project is too large for one person. Unless of course there’s a problem?”

The way they asked sounded a lot more threatening than any of them liked, so they all just agreed to work together for fear of the consequences.

“Excellent! Now here is the rubric and let’s go over the project,” they said with a smile as if they hadn’t just vaguely threatened their students into forced cooperation.

“So,” Danny started crossing his arms with a frown as their third member slowly walked his desk over to join them, “who are we working with?”

He sighed, knowing full well what he was referring to, “Elliot.”

“You sure it isn’t, oh what was it?” Danny asked, pretending to remember the fake name the other boy had used.

“I believe it was Gregor,” Tucker supplied helpfully and with just as much annoyance in his voice that Danny felt. “From Hungry.”

Elliot threw his head back with a sigh, “I said I was sorry about that.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Danny spat and redirected his anger at the rubric instead.

The project was way too big for one person. It seemed a little daunting for three.

Tucker, the organized blessing that he was, already started to break down the project into much more manageable pieces. “Okay, I think if we can decide on a topic today, share contact info and after-school schedules, we can have an easier time lining up any group meetups and get this thing done in no time.”

Danny smiled and pulled out his notebook and flipped open to a blank page, “okay here’s my number and address and this is Tuck’s,” he finished and tore off the written section and handed it over and then slid his notebook over with his pencil, “you can just write your info there.”

Just because the guy irritated him, didn’t mean he couldn’t be civil. Besides he was willing to give him another chance, he just had to get his annoyance out of the way first.

“I don’t give my number out to just anyone,” Elliot said as he leaned back and refused to take the offering.

Danny just blinked.

Did he really just say that?

“Dude how are we going to contact you outside of class?” Tucker asked, shocked by the blatant disrespect.

Danny was doing his very best not to let the anger bleed into his eyes.

“I’ll text you if I need you,” he said as he snatched the note Danny wrote for him.

“Okay,” Danny said with as much restraint as possible as he slapped his hand on his notebook and slid it back onto his desk. “Fine.”

Tucker flipped the page of their packet and skimmed the page, “So, topics?” he said, clearly doing his best to just keep the ball rolling.

“I don’t care.” Elliot shrugged and pulled his phone out pointedly not participating.

Danny turned in his chair so he only looked at Tucker, “What are our options?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Tucker responded, also locking eyes with Danny and joining him in aggressively ignoring Elliot.

Tucker then read through the list as if it was just the two of them. He shared the page and pointed out the topics that he liked or that he thought Danny would like. Once they had marked the ones they liked the best they looked back to Elliot to see if he had any opinions at all.

“I don’t know if I really like any of those ones.”

“Which ones didn’t you like? The ones we pointed out or just the whole list?” Danny asked and if this guy said the whole list he was going to throw him out the window.

He shrugged, “I don’t know, all of them?”

This boy better get ready to be defenestrated.

Ha, see he could use that word in his everyday life! It wasn’t useless knowledge. Suck on that, Jazz!

Tucker had to forcibly push Danny back into his seat. “I know, buddy, I know.”

“We’re on the first floor. He’ll be fine.” Danny said through clenched teeth.

Tucker turned to just stare at him, stopping his calming shoulder pats due to his confusion. “I’m still not a telepath Danny.”

“Oh yeah.” sometimes he forgot that just because he was thinking it didn’t mean that anyone else was. But so often it seemed like everyone else knew what he was thinking before he even said anything.

Luckily his friends were always gentle with the reminder. They didn’t make him feel stupid or laugh at him when he did.

“I was just thinking how nice it would be to defenestrate him.”

Tucker snickered but shook his head all the same, “Dude, no. You haven’t gotten detention in like three weeks now, don’t ruin your streak.”

“Come on!”

“No! You would just get expelled or whatever.” he said, still chuckling at the idea of Danny yeeting that jerk with no hesitation, “Totally not worth it,” he reassured.

Danny huffed but relented all the same, “Fine. I won’t.” he locked eyes with Elliot, “This time.”

“Are you threatening me?” the blonde asked, finally reacting properly to his current situation.

“I don’t know? Am I?” Danny retorted back sarcastically.

“God, what did I ever do to you?”

“You lied to my best friend.”

“I said sorry. Besides she’s the only one who should be mad, and she forgave me already.”

“I know,” Danny mumbled.

And it was true. Sam had forgiven him. She said that sometimes people do silly things when they think they’re in love. Or just in high school in general.

“And I was willing to give you a second chance but you rejected my peace offering, so screw you.”

“What peace offering? You glared daggers when the teacher forced us together.”

“And then I was trying to get past that, and then you were difficult and didn’t just give your info. It’s not like we’re ever going to contact you after this project is over? Heck, I’ll probably just delete your number the second we’re done!”

Elliot rolled his eyes, “Oh my god you are so dramatic.”

“Says the guy who took that ‘world’s a stage’ line a bit too literal.”

“Well I am a thespian,” he said with too much emphasis as he pressed a hand to his chest as he peacocked.

“TMI?” Danny had no idea what thespian meant and couldn’t help but notice how it rhymed with lesbian. He was pretty sure the two words had nothing to do with each other, and even if they did it really didn’t make any sense given what they had been talking about.

Elliot’s stupid vocabulary just made Danny annoyed all over again.

“It means I’m an actor.” Elliot deadpanned. “I mean honestly you throw around the word defenestrate like you know what it means.” he laughed to himself before giving Danny a condescending smirk, “Do you even know what it means?”

Danny felt his jaw tighten so much that his dentist was probably wincing, “Defenestrate. The act of throwing someone out a window.” He stood up to his full height and loomed over Elliot as best he could while the blonde was still sitting down, “Would you like me to use it in a sentence?”

“Code green!” Tucker shouted as he shot up out of his seat and pulled Danny down so they were both squatting behind their chairs, “You need a minute?”

“Yes,” Danny said resting his chin on his knees and doing his best to relax.

Despite that his parents seemed to think that all ghost’s emotions were fake, Danny had found that the more he had gotten used to his ghost side, the stronger he reacted to things. He never used to get so angry. Or to do so, so quickly.

Of course, his parents attributed his outbursts to teen hormones. He really wanted them to be right, but just knew that they weren’t. One look at the crazed-up fruit loop pretty much blew that theory out of the water.

His fingers threaded their way into his hair as he tried to block out the bad thoughts and focus on the mantra Jazz had taught him when he finally admitted to having emotional control issues.

“I control my emotions. They don’t control me. I control my emotions. They don’t control me. I control my emotions. They don’t control me. They don’t control me. They don’t control me.”

Danny took a breath and finally relaxed. This might not be ideal, but he was getting better at calming himself down again.

He stood up and took his seat. "Sorry about that."

Elliot scoffed as he scrolled on his phone.

"I'm sorry about earlier. You're right," he sighed, "I was being dramatic. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you."

Elliot just stared at him for a bit. Blinked. Then shrugged and looked back at his phone, "Yeah, whatever freak. Let's just get this project over with."

Danny stopped listening. He was honestly surprised he got past the word. The word. Why did he have to call him the one thing that hurt the most?

Stupid heightened ghost emotions and stupid Elliot for poking at his insecurities. He took a breath and tried to focus on the conversation.

He pointed lazily at the packet on Tucker's desk, "We picked a topic already. Let's just divide up the-”

Before Elliot could finish his sentence Tucker interrupted, “Stop.” he said in such a serious tone that both boys looked over at him.

“I’m going to need you to apologize to Danny, right now.”

Elliot scoffed and opened his mouth to say something, probably rude based on his expression, but Tucker just held up his finger.

“I wasn’t done yet,” he said and Danny could almost taste the simmering anger that radiated off of Tucker like the heat waves that made mirages in the desert.

But why was he mad? Why? Did Danny do something wrong? Why did he always ruin everything he touched?

“Hey, I’m not mad at you,” Tucker reassured softly before returning his ire back on Elliot. “Now I know you don’t know us very well, so I’m willing to give you a warning. Danny is like a post-credits grinch. There are just certain things we don’t do. Now, if you would kindly apologize for your rude remark we can get back to work.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“Tucker, it’s fine,” Danny muttered because he really just wanted this whole day to be over already.

Tucker sighed before turning to look at Danny directly, “Is it?”

Danny couldn’t meet his eye. Of course, it wasn’t actually fine. He just didn’t want to make it a big deal. Elliot clearly didn’t do it on purpose so it was fine. He was fine.

If he told himself he was fine enough times maybe it would be true.

It was quiet for a few seconds before Tucker refocused on their project.

Danny did his best to contribute even though he was still feeling a little down. Elliot kept being the worst and only actively worked on anything when the teacher was looking.

Tucker wrote down a few things for them all to work on for the week and suggested they meet up in the library on Wednesday after school to go over what they had done up to that point.

Elliot gave a very lazy and barely committal agreement to be there before the bell rang and they were finally able to leave.

It wasn’t until they were at Danny’s locker, did it feel like he could breathe properly.

“You sure you’re okay?” Tucker asked as he leaned against the locker next to Danny’s so when he opened the door, he’d still be in view.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Tucker was quiet and Danny didn’t need to see it to know he was making that face. The one where he knows Danny is lying and he should just come clean already.

“Why’d you have to call me a Post-Credits Grinch?!” he whined and hated every second of it. “You know I hate that movie!”

Tucker bit his lip as he tried not to laugh at Danny’s reaction, “It’s just because you’ve got a big heart? And it’s kind of like it grew three sizes recently, right?” he shrugged and added, “It was either that or reference that one vine and say you’re sensitive. But I knew you wouldn’t like that.”

“Oh well, thanks for the save, Aubrey.”

Tucker snapped into double finger guns, “Anytime, D-man!”

Danny snorted and shoved his textbook into his locker a little harder than he meant to, “Don’t,” he shook his head and couldn’t hold back his laugh, “Don’t ever do that again.”

“Not gonna happen.” Tucker playfully punched his shoulder, “Besides, it got you to laugh, didn’t it?”

Danny rolled his eyes, but he did have a point. Tucker always knew how to make him feel better. More like himself.

Less like a freak.

===============================================

It was Wednesday. School had ended about ten minutes ago.

Tucker and Danny had come in about two to three minutes later than they had intended, thanks to the Box Ghost and the unfortunate delivery man that had crossed his path.

Tucker sent Elliot a text once they got there apologizing for being a few minutes late and asking where he had set up.

There was a slight delay before Elliot texted back. First to ask how Tucker had gotten his number, to which Tucker simply said “A magician never reveals his secrets.”

Then Elliot finally admitted that he wasn’t at the library. He said he had something he needed to do first but he would be there soon.

Then it was radio silence.

Danny found a nice table in the back corner that was partially hidden behind the old reference textbooks. He liked it because it was secluded and quiet.

Tucker teased him and said he actually liked it because it was the darkest and spookiest corner.

Danny just blew a raspberry at him.

The pair got out everything they needed and took over the large wooden table. Each of them taking turns to go over their respective progress and discussing what they still needed to do.

It wasn’t until the librarian came around told them that she needed to close up for the night, did they realize that Elliot never came.

“What are the odds he hasn’t done anything yet?” Danny asked as he packed his things back into his backpack.

“Happy thoughts, Danny. Let’s just focus on our own work.”

Danny just nodded and made sure to securely zip his bag shut while also maintaining the structural integrity of it. It wouldn’t do him any good if he broke the zipper.

Sure he’d still be able to get in if he needed to, thanks to his ghost powers, but it would have been because of his ghost powers that the bag was broken. Also, it would be hard to explain why, or how, he was still using a broken bag to those who didn’t know his secret.

Which would be pretty much everyone.

“So you wanna go to my place and continue? Mom’s making lasagna tonight and it’ll probably be ready by the time we get there!” he said as he fidgeted with excitement.

He did love Mrs. Foley’s double meat lasagna. “Yeah alright, I just gotta call home first.”

“Yes!” Tucker fist pumped and sent a quick text to his mom.

===============================================

Danny didn’t mean to fall asleep at Tucker’s on a school night, he really didn’t.

On one hand, they ended up getting a lot done on their project. He got to eat so much yummy food that never once had a chance at coming back to life and trying to eat him, which is his favorite quality in food. His second favorite quality is, being not poison.

Also, Tucker’s house was always way warmer than his house ever was, and it was nice to just curl up in a pile of pillows and relax, because nothing in that house was designed specifically to kill him. It was a lovely little vacation.

The only downside was he hadn’t packed any clothes so all he had to wear was what he had come in. And wearing the same outfit two days in a row in the middle of the week, wasn’t exactly a good look.

Tucker was nice enough to offer his closet, which Danny happily accepted. Only Tucker had grown a few inches in the last year or so and was now taller than Danny. Also a little wider in the shoulders.

Good thing Danny liked to wear baggy clothes!

Of course, Dash made fun of him for his ill-fitting outfit almost immediately. It was like the guy had some sort of sixth sense that always picked up Danny no matter where he was.

When they got to their group project class, Tucker mentioned that they had gotten a lot done and if Elliot could type up what he had and send it to Tucker he could add it to the slide show they had started.

Elliot just shrugged and said he’d send it.

Tucker cleared his throat and added, “Please do so before midnight on Friday.” then he texted him his email address so he had no excuse not to.

“Yeah okay, whatever.”

===============================================

It was Saturday night. Danny was lounging on Tucker’s bed while he waited for Tucker to come back from the bathroom.

The notification ding went off on Tucker’s phone but Danny knew better than to touch the phone without Tucker’s permission. That didn’t stop him from floating over the phone a few inches and just looking at the screen while it was still lit.

Elliot had finally emailed his portion of the project.

Well wasn’t that nice of him to do so at, Danny looked at the time and saw it was past ten.

Lovely.

It was even better when Tucker got to open the email and the file he sent was just a text file.

“Why would you do that?” Tucker asked as he just stared at the icon, “In what world is that necessary?”

They were both glued to the screen and held their breath as Tucker clicked download and opened the file.

It was the most barebones weak excuse of his share that he could have possibly given.

“We aren’t sleeping this weekend, are we?” Danny asked knowing full well what the answer was.

“I should have let you throw him out of the window when I had the chance.”

[octerminal]

Hi there! I'm a first time Mass Effect OT player thanks to the Legendary Edition. In relation to your post about avoiding the romances in Mass Effect 1 (which I bookmarked for reference,) I was wondering if you also made posts for avoiding romances in the other two games as well, and if you had, where I could find them? And if not, do you have any general advice for not triggering the romances? Thanks!

Hey! Thanks for the ask.

I’m sorry, but I haven’t made a guide for the other games. This is mainly because ME1 is the only game where it’s easy to accidentally trigger the actual romance, by which I mean the game now acts as if the two of you are in a dedicated romance and it will automatically proceed to all the major romance points, like the locker and en route to Ilos scenes. ME2 and ME3 still have issues where Shepard can accidentally trip flirtation (or be forced into it, depending on the LI), but it’s much harder to trigger the actual romances because in both games they're scenes where Shepard or the LI will point blank say, “Hey, wanna go out?” or some iteration, lol.

That being said, I still have plenty of tips I can give you to avoid those issues, sure! I can probably guess which LIs might’ve brought this question on since there are a few “main offenders” - if we want to use that term lol - but I’ll try to address what I know about each LI. Please be aware that this won’t be as specific as my ME1 guide because I don’t have any handy transcripts available so I’ll be working purely off memory.

If anyone has anymore specific knowledge on any of these LIs, or thinks I have made a mistake on any of them, please let me know. Thanks.

ME1 LOVE INTERESTS

General note: If you are not romancing Liara, whoever your VS is will always seek you out in the ME2 prologue. This is not romance specific. It is only romance specific with Liara.

Kaidan: I addressed how to avoid his flirtation issues in ME3 in my ME1 post because he is one of the aforementioned “main offenders” people complain about the most frequently, and all of his issues are easily fixed once you know how to do it.

Ashley: I don’t really have any data on her for ME3. I’ve only ever done Ashley-as-VS-with-mShep saves when I also romanced her in ME1. I don’t believe she’s similar to Kaidan in that she will always proposition you if you’re not locked into a romance (because I believe Kaidan does that for a variety of reasons that are purely mechanical/dev signalling in nature, which are irrelevant for Ashley). I would imagine that if you don’t want her to be romantic with you in the hospital, the same rule of thumb of “tell her the romance is over on Mars” would work, but I haven’t personally tested it.

Liara: There is not really any way around a lot of her scenes. A lot of her romanced content is shared with unromanced Shepards. Even in places where it’s not, Shepard is usually more intimate with Liara than they are with other squadmates. (Example of this: I’m pretty sure when you meet on Illium in ME2, every Shepard will hug her, but only romanced Shepards will kiss her.) This means wishing your Shepard didn’t hug her on Illium, or that she didn’t have your Shepard’s armor in LotSB, or certain banters of hers that trigger in ME3, etc., are impossible to avoid because it is not the game having her flirts easy to trip. It is the game just straight up making very little effort to make a distinction between romanced and unromanced Liara.

That being said, if it really bothers you, being renegade toward her when the option is available helps balance it out. For example: at the end of LotSB, Shepard is not forced into comforting Liara or hugging her; they can just let her cry and move on. Things like that.

ME2 LOVE INTERESTS

General note: When speaking to Kelly about any of these characters, it doesn’t hurt to go neutral or renegade. I think being forced into a discussion about how attractive you find these LIs is really only an issue for mShep and it’s fairly easy to avoid for femShep.

None of the romances can be properly triggered until after the LI’s loyalty has been successfully completed. No amount of flirtation negates this. So at the bare minimum, you really only need to be vigilant after completing a character’s loyalty.

All of these characters also do not really have any wonky mechanics going into ME3, because to have a romance with any of the ME2 LIs in ME3, you have trigger it in ME2 first.

Jacob: Jacob is also a frequently complained about “main offender” because it’s easy for femShep to flirt with him. He is also one of the few LIs in ME2 where you can kind of kickstart his romance in ME2 by expressing interest and having a few conversations about that before Horizon, but this does not actually trigger the romance. You are not locked into it if you do trip into this scenario with him, because it’s completing the loyalties that allow for you to actually trigger a character’s romance. You cannot romance a character properly if you either don’t do their loyalty, or you do it but you failed to secure their loyalty during it.

If you tripped into this scenario with Jacob, you can just simply not continue it going forth, or you can do an organic “breakup” after his loyalty where you continually try to press him to unpack his feelings about what just happened with his father. He will end things with a Shepard who does this to him.

As for avoiding the flirtations at all: it is possible and I do it all the time, but I have no transcripts available so I can’t exactly show which dialogue options to pick. I want to say neutral and renegade dialogue options are your friend here, though some of those can still be flirtatious, if I recall correctly.

When he talks about leaving the Alliance, don’t pick the options that sound like it could be about his body/fitness. When he mentions that Cerberus rebuilt Shepard, don’t have her pick the options that seem like she’s asking if he likes what he sees, etc. Unfortunately, I remember the actual lines better than I remember what the dialogue wheel option was. I recommend saving before talking to him and going through all the dialogue options and reloading until you find the ones where femShep doesn’t sound flirty. (That’s how I found them.)

Or, if you play on PC: you could simply just wait for someone to re-release the mod that gets rid of the flirtatiousness between Jacob and femShep. There was one like that for original ME2, though I never used it so I’m not sure how it actually worked.

Garrus: It is really hard to both accidentally flirt with Garrus and to accidentally trip into his romance. He has little content before his loyalty, and after his loyalty, you have to take a very specific dialogue option to trigger Shepard’s proposition. Even after that, the game still gives you a way to back out if that was, in fact, not what you expected to happen.

Thane: Considering that Thane isn’t even available to recruit until after Horizon, his mechanics are also fairly “safe” compared to, say, Jacob’s. That being said, there is the infamous “I want you, Thane” option on the dialogue wheel, but that one is fairly...obvious. I recall most of Thane’s dialogue options seeming fairly obvious and thus easy to avoid if you’re not wanting to flirt with him. If you’re having trouble, neutral or renegade is probably the way to go. He also always calls femShep “siha” once loyal (I believe that conversation happens after his loyalty, anyway); there is no way around that outside simply not talking to him. Him calling femShep “siha” is not indicative of a romance being triggered.

Jack: Jack, like Jacob, is one of the characters who you can start a flirtation with before Horizon. Again, this doesn’t actually trigger the proper romance. To my knowledge, Jack will also always proposition mShepards. This also does not trigger her romance - in fact, if you accept, it locks you out of her actual romance because she no longer trusts you. Unfortunately, if you want to avoid the proposition entirely - I don’t know or remember if there’s a way to do that.

Tali: I recall Tali’s main issues being the conversation with Kelly after recruiting her (but this is hazy, sorry) where I think Kelly always implies Tali has a crush on you. If this is the case, I have no idea how to avoid it. The other main issue is after you successfully complete Tali’s loyalty and you get to the conversation where she talks about linking suits. It is very easy for mShep to accidentally trip into a romantic conversation with Tali here, and thus be forced into turning her down afterwards. I am pretty certain it’s possible to avoid this, and it likely involves not taking the paragon option. If it isn't possible to avoid though, then all you really have available is to turn her down when she brings it up.

Miranda: I don’t actually recall anything egregious with her mechanics. I am fairly certain that she is not like Jack and Jacob where you can soft start her romance before Horizon, because I remember noticing that when I did her romance recently. After Horizon, I want to say that her romance dialogue options are fairly obvious, but I could be wrong. Either way, the same as all the other LIs would apply: you’d have to complete her loyalty to begin with to even get access to those conversations, so you really only need to be vigilant after her loyalty has been completed.

Samara and Kelly: They are not “real” LIs, which means you don’t get a romance achievement for them and they have next to no content. Kelly’s romantic dialogue options are similar to Thane in how exaggerated they tend to be, and thus are easy to avoid. Samara is only receptive toward paragon Shepards to begin with, but also puts a hard stop to any flirtation attempts regardless, so tripping her “romance” is not really an issue.

ME3 LOVE INTERESTS

General note: Just lock into your preferred LI’s romance first. I am serious. That will solve nearly every issue. Locking into your LI’s romance is not Shepard still expressing interest when they first meet again unless your LI is Tali, whose lock-in is her cabin date right after she comes aboard for the first time. Otherwise, the lock-in moment for most of the LIs are their Citadel dates that happen after the Coup.

James: Technically, he’s not a love interest. I’m including him because he always flirts with femShep. There is no way around this, sorry. The best you can do is to not allow him to call femShep “Lola”, which happens after the sparring match you two can have in the cargo bay. He still flirts with femShep outside that however, and there are a few times where femShep unavoidably flirts back. If you don’t like this, you just kind of have to plug your ears and pretend it’s not happening. Or just not speak to him at all, lol.

Hopefully with MELE’s new modding capabilities, someone will release a mod that fixes this since James’ conversations with mShep are more normal.

Allers: She is similar to Kelly and Samara in that she is not a “real” LI. I believe you can’t even trip her “romance” until after you finish Rannoch anyway, since it’s tied to the interview you do with her. There can be an awkward moment after Tuchanka or the Coup (I don’t recall which, or if it’s both) where she might sound flirtatious and you’re forced into flirting back or turning her down, but nothing comes from this. If it does happen after the Coup’s interview, you could try pushing it off until you lock into your preferred romance, but it’d have to be before you complete Rannoch since I imagine the Coup one would expire and be replaced with Rannoch’s.

Traynor: Traynor’s romance is actually easy to miss if you play renegade. I know this because I finished her romance a few months before MELE came out and I had to redo twenty hours of gameplay before that because I got locked out of it for being too much of an asshole to her. (Absolutely hilarious in hindsight, incredibly annoying in the moment.) After some digging, I found some old forums detailing that you apparently cannot be renegade toward her about her toothbrush in your first conversation and when she tells you about Grissom academy or else she evidently decides you are too mean and/or not interested in her. (Whether or not this is true, I have no idea. I didn’t bother risking it and went straight paragon with her in all of our conversations until I was able to lock it in.)

What this means is that if you want to avoid her shower scene entirely, just be renegade toward her until you get her cabin date, because you straight up do not even get the option to offer your shower to her if you were renegade enough.

If you're roleplaying and your Shepard wouldn’t take those renegade dialogue options, follow the advice in the general note: lock into your preferred romance before doing Traynor’s cabin date. Like Kaidan, this does mean that if you romanced Jacob or Thane and don’t wish to move on to anyone else, you’re a bit out of luck if you want to avoid the option triggering entirely.

That being said, even if you are doing a paragon Jacob, Thane, or no romance run, and thus still get the shower option, just...simply don’t let her in your shower. Problem solved.

Cortez: Cortez’ romance does not have any egregious romance mechanics that I’m aware of. To my knowledge, he never flirts with Shepard first before his romance is locked in. In fact, if you do flirt with him but you had a pre-existing romance from ME1 or ME2 (or I think if you are already locked into your romance with Kaidan as mShep) he will make a mention of that romance when you do try to flirt with him. This is all to say: to my knowledge, there is really nothing to avoid with Cortez. You have to go out of your way to flirt with him and lock in the romance. That being said, if there is something I’m missing, the same “lock into your preferred LI’s romance” rule of thumb should apply.

Hopefully some of this helped! If you have any other general questions about this issue or about a specific LI, let me know. Please note that I am also basing all of this off my knowledge of the original games, but I’m assuming nothing has changed in MELE.

[buckyswheezes]

Perfectly Fine (Pt. 5)

Premise: “You know why I don’t like you? It’s because you’re a natural. You’re naturally kind, naturally good-looking; you can wear trash bags and still look perfectly fine. You’re naturally intelligent and excellent in everything you do. It’s like you naturally get what you want, you don’t have to work hard for it. You don’t have to pretend because people naturally like you.”

Or Bucky found out that the new oh-so-perfect Junior Accountant of Stark Industries isn’t as perfect as everyone thinks.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

It was only eight in the morning, but you found yourself busy as a bee. You woke up early that Saturday to somewhat clean up your apartment because Wanda would drop William off before her flight to DC. You promised her you’d look after the boy while she was gone, and you meant it.

An hour and a half later, the doorbell rang, and you wasted no time opening the door, knowing who it was.

“Hey, co-“

“Mornin’ doll.”

Your smile immediately vanished at the person in front of you, turning into a scowl. “The fuck are you doing here, you peasant?”

Never mind that he looked hot as hell in that black shirt. You loathed it when he shows up unannounced.

“Can’t I visit my girlfriend on weekends?” James retorted with a smirk and pushed past you to get inside. You did not miss the way his eyes widened in surprise. “Wow, this place is pristine.”

“Shut up, James.” You said as your trailed behind him towards the living room, annoyed at the apparent jab at your moment of cleanliness. “First, I am not your girlfriend, and second, I don’t have time for your blackmail shitshow today because Wanda and William will be here soon.”

“I’m gonna let that first one slide, doll since I know how grumpy you can be in the morning.”

You decided to ignore his statement, content with shooting eye daggers towards the back of his head. He went straight to the kitchen to make coffee, you knew, because that’s what he always does when he shows up unannounced and pesters you in your house.

Minutes later, the doorbell rang again, and you briefly hoped that this time, it’s Wanda and William behind the door. You got up from where you were seated on the couch, but James beat you to the door.

“I’ll get it.”

Alarmed, you ran towards him before he could open it. “No!” You lowly hissed. “I don’t want Wanda to know you’re here. Go hide in the kitchen.”

He raised a brow at you. “Wanda already knows we’re dating. What I got to hide for?”

“Yes, but I don’t want her to think that we’re… you know.” You flushed at the thought. You’ve always known that couples who go to their partner’s houses are doing it -not that you think you and James are couples. You just didn’t want Wanda to have the impression that you two are having sex as well.

You dropped your gaze from his face, and it fell on his chest. You didn’t miss the way how the dark fabric clung to him. He was well-built, no doubt; it was the first time you’ve seen him wearing clothing other than his suit and tie. His usually sleek brunette hair is tousled, but he still looked handsome as hell. The image will be etched in your mind for a while, you know it.

Bucky saw your face heat up and instantly knew what you were referring to. “We’re what, doll?” He smirked as he leans closer to your face.

Your breath hitched. “Nothing, just get to the god damned kitchen, please.”

“As you wish, sweetheart.” He conceded, which actually surprised you.

When James finally disappeared into the kitchen, you tried to calm yourself down before opening the door, greeting Wanda with a sweet smile.

“Thanks again, y/n. I owe you.”

“You’re welcome, Wanda. And don’t worry, Will’s in good hands.” You assured her.

The redhead turned to her son, who now stood beside you, your arm draped over his shoulder. “Now, you be good, okay. Don’t give y/n a hard time.” She reminded before giving him a peck on the cheek. She bid the both of you goodbye, and you both watched as she hailed a cab and climbed as soon as she got one.

You led the boy inside, noting how he got excited at the sight of James. You weren’t aware that they know each other.

“Hey, Will. Wanna go biking today?” James asked as he walked towards you two.

Your jaw dropped. No, that wasn’t what you planned to do today. You and Will were gonna binge watch Paw Patrol on Netflix, maybe munch on some sweet snacks, play a little, then hit the sack when night came.

“I don’t think tha-“

“YES!” William yelled enthusiastically, then looked at you, eyes pleading. “Can we go biking, y/n?”

“Oh, sure, Will. If that’s what you want.”

“Yay! Thank you y/n!”

Once again, you turned to James with a scowl, but he only grinned at you. If looks could kill, this man would be dead. “Go and get dressed, doll. We’re gonna have so much fun today.”

———

Bucky cast a worried glance at you. “You okay, doll?” He asked. You’ve been unusually quiet since you got in the car. You weren’t blessing him with your curses, and he thought it was because you’re censoring your words because of William, but he noticed that you weren’t even shooting him your virtual daggers.

You just sat there on the passenger seat with a blank face, and it got him concerned.

“Doll?” He called again when you didn’t respond the first time, and you finally looked at him as if broken from a trance.

“Huh?”

“You good?”

You bit your lip in trepidation as you recalled what James said earlier.

“We’re just like a family, bonding over the weekend. It’s gonna be fun.”

Family? Bonding? You sat there staring at his side profile but not really seeing him. You were lost in your thoughts. How do you bond with your family?

You were in second grade when you noticed that you were different from the other kids. You didn’t have a mother, and they did. And that’s what a family is, your teacher said. There’s a mother, a father, and their child or children. And the family has fun on the weekends, and they call it bonding.

You were shocked, scared, and you panicked. You didn’t have a family, and you certainly didn’t bond during weekends. No, what you did since you were six was helping around your father’s small repair shop after school. When the weekend came, he would spend the entire day drinking while you listen as he rants on about all his life’s problems.

You remembered asking yourself why? Why were you different? Maybe there’s something wrong with you? Maybe you didn’t really have a family, you didn’t have a mother, and you didn’t bond during weekends.

“I’m fine.” You finally said.

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” You squeaked. You know James wasn’t buying it, so you decided to change the subject instead. You turned to William, who sat in the back, seatbelt strapped on.

“What do you wanna do after biking, Will? Wanna go to the arcades?”

The boy’s eyes lit up at your suggestion. “Can we?”

“Of course! Then after that, we’ll grab pizza and ice cream. How’s that sound?”

“Can I have cotton candy too?”

You chuckled, a genuine smile finally gracing your lips. “Sure!”

True enough, the three of you went cycling by the park with rented bikes, after that, you rented rollerblades and went skating (you, failing miserably so while the two boys laughed at the way you fell on your butt cheeks but James was always there to help you out). Then you went and grabbed pizza and ice cream and cotton candy, and when you’re all full, you beelined for the arcades.

The night rolled in, Will is asleep on the back seat while you and James sat in front.

“Is this what you did with your family when you were a child?”

“Yes, my dad taught me how to ride a bike. Sometimes we’ll go to the movies, swimming, hiking. How about you?”

You shifted in your seat, heart beating loudly. You thought you’ve gotten over it, for fuck’s sake, it was a very long time ago! “No, we don’t… we didn’t do any of those things.” You glanced away.

You felt something warm envelope your hand. You turned and saw James leaning close. “It doesn’t really matter what you do, doll. It doesn’t matter if what you did was different; what’s important is you had a connection.”

You nodded at his comforting words.

“Now, let’s go home. I bet you’re tired.

Part 6

author's notes: This story's ending soon. Don't worry tho, if you want more AU Bucky, I have a couple stories lined up. I got you, fam.

Taglist: @crowleyqueenofhell

[something-tofightfor]

Seasons to Cycles / 4

Pairing: Logan Delos x Reader

Word Count: 10,760

Rating: M (Some language, mentions of sex and drug use)

Summary:  Logan’s got an invitation for you - but is it what it seems? Is it real, or is he looking for something in particular?  Later, both halves of his life come together in an unexpected - but not entirely unwanted - way. 

Author’s Note: Here’s where things start to get very interesting. I hope this chapter answers some questions for you ... but it’s also going to raise new ones. Song lyrics come into play in this one, too, which is what I’ve been waiting for. 

 Enjoy. (Thank you for the feedback!)

ALSO.

A couple people have asked about Logan’s apartment and Juliet’s house, so here are the listings I’m using as reference:  Logan’s High Rise

Juliet’s House

I had one for reader’s studio apartment, too, but apparently it’s not for rent anymore, so it’s not showing. Sorry! 

From the 46th story of Two California Plaza, Logan looked out over the city. It always took him a day or two to get used to being back in the office after trips to the parks, and the abrupt end to the most recent trip had made it worse than usual. But I’m happy to be home. He leaned back in his chair, one arm bent and behind his head, and smiled. At least the weather’s good. He’d been surprised to return to his room at the Mesa and find multiple messages waiting from Ariella, one of them apologizing for the way that she’d acted before she’d left his place - but even more surprised to see a rambling message from you, sent in the middle of the week. She’s curious about the parks and the Hosts.

He’d called his fiancée back, for once ahead of her in time zones, and while the conversation had been fast, the woman on her way to meet with her parents, it hadn’t been unpleasant. But that’s probably because I haven’t looked into what she got up to in Amsterdam yet. Logan hadn’t called you back, though, and he hadn’t returned your text, either. But why? 

 Standing, he pushed away from his desk and began pacing in front of his window, one hand in his pocket and the fingers of the other running through his hair. I wanted to. He had. In fact, he’d thought of you a lot while in the park, his usual distractions occupying less and less of his mind as the days passed. He’d sought out Clementine, not having to look far once they’d arrived in Sweetwater, and spent the night with her before setting out with his business partners the following day. Logan had timed the arrival so that just as they were leaving, Hector and his bandits were arriving, and though that had given him something else to focus on, by the time the four of them had reached Las Mudas as a stopover on their way to Pariah, you were on Logan’s mind again, remaining there for the entirety of the remainder of the ride out to the hidden city.

 The men and women in Pariah were more than willing to accommodate his requests, and the time they spent there was pleasant. Logan let loose and drank heavily, the sweet-smelling air perfumed by the spices sold by the street vendors wafting in through his open windows and keeping him awake long after his chosen partners had drifted off. Hasn’t always been that way. The first time, it was … I wore myself out. 

 Pariah was Logan’s favorite area in the park, because the overall tone suited him, but each time he returned to Westworld, he also remembered what it felt like to be appointed as one of the leaders of the Confederados, the men listening to him without question, following his orders even though they made little sense. Because it’s like it is out there. Just less...real. Even that train of thought led him back to you, though it didn’t happen until he’d read your message and was already back on his way to Los Angeles. Why am I thinkin’ about this? 

 He stopped moving, pulling his hand from his pocket and settling both on his hips, elbows bent. “You’re the boss, Logan. Act like it.” But he lowered his head, hair moving out of place and falling over one eye. “Shit.” He straightened up, eyes narrowed. Get it together. You have a meeting in an hour, and the rest of your week is … But instead of sitting back down at his desk to read through notes, a few minutes later, Logan was sitting beneath one of the permanent umbrellas on California Plaza, his phone in hand, and your number on the screen. He only hesitated for a few seconds before he called, wondering if he’d catch you on a break again, or you’d push him through to voicemail. After two rings, he got his answer. 

 “Logan, hi!” Your tone excited, you greeted him, and he felt a smile spreading over his lips and lifting his cheeks before he could stop it. “Did you have a good trip?” She sounds happy to hear from me.

 “I did.” He leaned back in that chair, eyes on the fountains in front of him. “Got your text.” 

 “Oh, Logan, I shouldn’t have -” Embarrassed? No reason to be.

 “Are you at work now, I hope I’m not -” You assured him that it was fine, and that you were taking a long lunch. “The only way to answer that would be to let you meet Hosts, you know?” He licked his lips, thinking. “An’ it’s different for everyone, so I don’t know how you’d… what you’d think of them.” That was the truth, and though it wasn’t difficult for Logan and Juliet to tell the difference, he knew - all too well - that it wasn’t the case for everyone. “If you were in one of the parks -”

 “You and your sister, Logan. Both of you keep trying to get me into those damn parks when I …” You were laughing. “I’m not the type of person you need to impress, I’m just curious.” 

 “Jules wants you to go to the park?” It was his turn to laugh. Doesn’t surprise me. “Well then you know it must be -” 

 “Maybe in another lifetime, Logan.” You took a deep breath and he pictured the way your shoulders would settle, the subtle tilt of your head. “What did you call for, though? That didn’t answer my …” Maybe she doesn’t need to be in the parks to… He leaned forward, thinking. It would be easy, I can ask… 

 “I’m gonna work late tomorrow.” He stood, heading back for the entrance. “Get some extra shit done, but if you want to stop by the office after you’re out of work, I can answer your question in person?” It was unnecessary, but the seed was planted. “We’ve got a restaurant on-site, so we can get somethin’ to eat, and have a working dinner.” I want to see you, want to see how you… 

 “If you’re working late, it must mean you’re busy, and I don’t want to keep you from…” He heard the doubt creeping into your voice again, and Logan cut it off quickly, already in the elevator back up to his office. 

 “I’m the boss. It’s fine. Promise.” The doors opened to his floor, and Logan stepped in front of his office, leaning down to let the small camera scan his eye, the door unlocking almost immediately. “I’ll text you a visitor’s parking pass, and if you let me know when you get here, I’ll meet you in the lobby.” 

 “Sounds good. Is it alright if I get there around…” You thought for a second. “Five? It should only take me about twenty five minutes, so …” 

 “Perfect.” He was sitting at his desk, fingers flying over the keyboard and he sent you the pass, and again after, as he opened up a blank email. “So I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

 “Yep.” He could tell you were smiling, and Logan smiled again, too. “I’ll be there.” There wasn’t much else to say, and so you hung up shortly after, Logan’s lips still curved upward. This is either going to go really well, or it’s going to backfire on me. 

 --- 

 He met you in the lobby the following afternoon, standing back a few feet while you spoke with Cal, one of the receptionists. One. Your interaction with the man was pleasant but nothing special, and Logan watched you grin at him, reaching out to take the visitor’s badge in one hand. He called out your name, striding over to where you were standing, using one hand to clip the piece of plastic to the strap of your bag. “Logan this place is amazing.” It is. 

 “Didn’t always look like this.” He touched your elbow, guiding you through the lobby. “My father wasn’t a fan of the open plan, wanted everything to feel… intimidating, so when Juliet and I took over, we made some changes. She did, first. Then I… “You’re right though, this is much better.” He eyed you as you took in the tall ceilings and artwork, the sculptures and the fountains; the clear liquid splashing onto the marble tile of the floor and dripping into the recessed drains. “You look tired.” He finally took a good look at you when you stepped into the elevator, Logan typing in his code for access to the lower floors. “Long day at work?” You closed your eyes and nodded. 

 “Yeah, I work in admissions, like I said, so we’re in kind of a … slow spot right now, but the entire system went down this morning, and so I spent my entire shift doing data entry, and I …” You rubbed your eyes with both hands. “My eyes hurt.” He grinned at that, but didn’t say anything. “Thanks, though, for pointing out that -” 

 “Oh, come on. I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant that you don’t look…” He paused. “Alright, yeah, that does make me sound like a dick.” That got you to laugh, and by the time the two of you stepped out into the entryway, Logan was laughing with you. “We’re not goin’ into my office yet. Follow me.” You looked confused, but Logan was eager to show you the first part of the reason he’d invited you to Delos. “This is somethin’ most people don’t ever get to see.” He pressed his hand against a panel next to a set of glass doors, a green light illuminating and the panes separating. “An’ it’s not …” Should I be doing this? “You’ll see.” 

 “Logan, what …” You were right next to him, and though the hall was well lit, the rooms you were passing weren’t, most of them completely dark. “I feel like we’re in a …” But you stopped speaking as you reached the end of the hallway, where the room was well lit. Here we go. “Logan…” He heard it in your voice - the moment you realized where you were and what you were doing, and only a second later, felt your fingers closing around his wrist. “Are those …” 

 “They are.” Only glass separated you from the man and woman in the room, the two of them dancing in a slow circle. “We’re workin’ on a new … project. It’s not a park, and it’s not on the island, so …” He looked over, expecting you to be focused on the window, but instead you were staring up at him, eyes full of shock. She’s lookin’ at me instead of… “So they’re here. Some of ‘em. We’re trying to…” 

 “Logan, they look so much like people, how …” You finally tore your eyes away from him and took a half step closer to the glass, fingers still circling his wrist. “This is …” He remembered what it had been like to see the Hosts for the first time, to speak to them, to touch them - feeling the way that they filled the room at the penthouse bar, Logan only realizing what was happening as Angela giggled and lifted her finger. It was incredible. And it still is. “She’s beautiful, Logan.” You had one hand on the glass and you finally let go of him with the other, reaching up to press your fingertips to your cheek, slowly moving them up and down. 

 “She is. When they design the hosts, they model ‘em off a composite of actual people.” He leaned closer to you, not wanting to raise his voice. “So some of them? You’ll look at them, and it’s close enough that you might think ‘oh, he’s got Timberlake’s eyes, or Skarsgard’s lips… or she’s got Keira Knightly’s…” 

 “Did you just give me a list of the people you find attractive, Logan?” You nudged him with your elbow. “Or are you telling me that I could go into the park and find someone as -” Always listening to what’s between the … 

 “We make ‘em so that they appeal to people.” He set his shoulders, eyes back on the couple, the man and woman still dancing, but laughing at the same time, one of his hands combing through her long, wavy hair. “So yeah, sometimes they pull features from real people, just to… make things more lifelike.” Logan took a breath. “We gotta get permission from them, of course, and even then, the techs change things like eye color or birthmarks, or …” He shrugged. “A lot of the Hosts are entirely new, but we’ve got hundreds of them in each park, and with this project, we need to …”

 “You need to keep things familiar, because this…” You pulled your hand away from the glass, taking a deep breath. “Logan, I’ll be honest with you right now, I’m just looking at them, and it’s hard to believe that they’re real, that this … exists. Any of it. It’s overwhelming. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in one of the parks, surrounded by …” 

 “It’s a fuckin’ trip.” You turned to face him, though he watched your eyes dart back to the left before they focused on him. “Every time, even though I know none of it is real.” He watched your lips tremble slightly, and Logan contemplated his next words. How much do I … “It only gets as real as you let it, and the parks are designed so that the Hosts can’t really hurt you, but if you forget that - and it’s easy to, sometimes - it can get… pretty goddamn wild.” 

 “I bet.” You swallowed and turned your head back toward the window, not saying anything else, and Logan watched you, eyes roaming over your profile. You weren’t reacting the way that he’d thought you would. He hadn’t expected you to flip out, or talk his ear off, but he wasn’t expecting the almost stoic silence, either. Is she not impressed? Is she … “Why are you showing this to me, Logan?” You took a deep breath. “There aren’t supposed to be Hosts in the United States, Delos signed a -” She’s lookin’ into us? 

 “We did. And technically, these Hosts aren’t in the United States, because they’re confined to this building, to specific floors, and if they leave? They cross the barriers?” He reached out cautiously, knowing that you could see the movement, and when you didn’t stop him, he laid one fingertip at the base of your neck, pressing gently. “They’ve got implants, and… boom.” He felt you shiver, watching your eyes close. Is that causea the… “They keep a close eye on ‘em, too, and the only people that know they’re here are the ones we trust.” 

 “So why am I here?” You turned your entire body to face him, and because the movement shocked him, Logan’s hand moved along the side of your throat and over your shoulder before he could pull it back. Fuck. The contact stunned him, leaving him speechless for the span of two breaths. Oh, fuck, that’s not … He watched the look in your eyes change, realizing that you hadn’t meant for it to happen either, his touch visibly affecting you, and then Logan spoke again, the tiniest wavering of his voice audible. 

 “Because you asked how real they were, an’ the only way to explain it is to show you.” He drew his hand back, sliding it smoothly into his pocket and gesturing with the other toward the glass. “And this is nothing. It’s different when you’re talkin’ to them, or you’re in bed with them, or you shoot one of them, an’ watch them fall, or when they…” He stopped himself. “But.” Logan sucked air through his teeth before letting out his breath. “At least you’ve seen ‘em now, yeah?” You nodded. “An’ I know you won’t say anything about this, because ...” Because I trust you already, and that’s… “Because I think you wanna be my friend, and you know that …”

 “Who would I tell, Logan?” Your eyes were shining. “I never thought I’d…” You looked back, the male Host dipping the female backwards, one of his hands rising to the side of her face, thumb skating over the fullest part of her cheek. “Jesus.” It was impressive - he had to admit it. The Hosts had come a long way in the years since his first private demonstration, and Logan was glad for it. They’re gonna be the only thing that gets me through… He shook his head briefly. Not now. “I won’t say a word, Logan, I promise.” You reached toward him, squeezing his hand and Logan let you, eyes flicking down so that he could watch as you gripped his fingers briefly, not even giving him a chance to squeeze back before you let go. “Thank you for showing me.” 

 That shocked him - not that you’d thanked him, because he’d figured you would, but that you accepted the short viewing of the Hosts as the extent of what he was offering, and hadn’t pushed further. I guess I kind of expected that, too. And it means that I was … “You’re welcome.” Logan’s mind was racing, the man trying to keep up with his thoughts. “D’you wanna go back upstairs now? I meant what I said about havin’ dinner. You can ask questions, or …” 

 “I don’t even know what I’d ask, Logan. I wasn’t expecting … this, and now I …” But you haven’t even … “But yes. Let’s go back up.” We should. “You said there’s a cafeteria? I didn’t actually get to eat lunch today, so -” 

 “Come on, then. Let’s get you some food.” And get to the second part of this. 

 --- 

 The cafeteria - like the rest of Delos - was sleek and modern, wide open, with windows that overlooked the city, and you felt yourself smile as you looked around, more than a few other people still in the space. I’m surprised there’s… 

 But the more you thought about it, the more you weren’t that shocked. Delos was a 24/7 company, employees working around the clock in different departments. And based on what I just saw, it makes perfect sense. Logan showing you the two Hosts had been a total surprise, and you’d been in awe at how lifelike they were - barely a few feet away from you, focused on each other like a couple in love, their mannerisms - from what you could tell - no different than your own would have been. “You’re not even listenin’.” You shook yourself out of your thoughts and focused back on Logan, the man leaning across the table and toward you. “And I thought I was interesting.” Oh, you are, Logan. I just … 

 “Did you have a good trip? Juliet told me one of your guests got sick, so you came back early.”

 “I did. It was niceta get back into the park, and …” He grinned, winking and taking a long drink. “Have some fun.” Can I ask? Should I ask? You wanted to, wanted to know Logan’s take on things, and with a deep inhale, you decided to do just that. “Logan.” You bit your lip, blinking. “When you say fun, do you mean -” 

 “Yes.” He answered without hesitation. “That’s exactly what I mean. Along with some shooting and fighting and …” Ok, so he answered that. But will he… 

 “So when you go into the park, you …” You raised an eyebrow. “Sleep with the -”

 “Not doin’ much sleeping, usually.” He winked at you, but you didn’t let it deter you. You’re not gonna get me that easily, Logan. 

 “Ok, so that’s my next question.” You took a drink from the cup in front of you. “So you don’t consider that cheating then? Since you’ve got a fiancée, and yet you still…” 

 “No.” There was no shame in the reply, Logan’s eyes locked onto your face. “It’s not cheating if they’re not real. And they’re not real, no matter how real they look or feel or act, so…” He ran a hand through his hair. “The Hosts are one of the only habits I haven’t broken yet, an’ between you and me?” He leaned in, tone serious. “Out of all of ‘em, it’s the safest.” You’re right. You widened your eyes as he spoke, but tried to hide it. He… Sex with the Hosts presented very few risks to Logan - or his reputation. The parks weren’t traceable, and there was no chance of getting any of them pregnant - or catching anything from them in return. They can’t hurt him, they can’t start any rumors, and there’s no … there’s no permanence. “Any other questions?” 

 He was resting an elbow on the table, chin atop his hand. So many. But before you could speak, you heard someone say his name, turning your head to watch a man heading toward your table. Oh, this will be awkward, he’ll have to introduce me. “Logan! Good to see you, I didn’t realize you were back.” Logan straightened up, grinning. “Who’s this?” 

 “Hey, Gideon.” Logan nodded once. “This is my friend.” He introduced you, and there wasn’t even time for you to say anything before the man was holding his hand out to you, saying hello. “She had a couple questions about the parks, and I figured it was easier to talk in person.” He gestured to the chair. “Sit with us?” You were focused on the second man, though, eyes on his face and on the warmth you saw in his eyes; green tinged with blue and gold. He’s… The man was attentive, repeating your name even as he removed his hand from yours and dropped into the chair next to you. “What have you been up to?” 

 You watched the two of them speak, both animated as they continued their conversation, turning toward you every now and then to include you. They must be friends, this is … Taking their conversation as an opportunity to observe, you eyed Gideon, smiling as the man reached up to scratch his chin, never looking away from Logan. He’s handsome. You realized it after only a few moments, letting yourself eye the man without restraint. Really handsome, I wonder if all of the employees are … But your thoughts were interrupted by Logan asking you a question, and you pulled your attention away from Gideon, focusing back on the other man. “What? No. I’ve only been to Juliet’s that one time, aside from when you and I went.” I was paying attention, Logan. I might have been watching Gideon, but… “She invited me back out to use the pool again, but so far, no.” 

 “You’ve never invited me out to swim at your sister’s Logan.” Gideon was laughing, and though he spoke to Logan, he was eyeing you. “And you’ve already gotten a callback?” He winked at you, grin widening. “You’ve got to tell me your secrets, about how you won Juliet over so fast.” Logan remained quiet, but as you glanced at him, you saw that he was watching the two of you, barely concealing the smile on his face. But if he’s friends with Logan, wouldn’t… 

 “No secrets, Gideon.” You shrugged, taking a bite out of your burger. “But it is a nice pool.” The man laughed loudly, eyes closing as he nodded. 

 “Fair enough.” He rested his forearm on the table, leaning slightly closer. “Logan said you have some questions about the parks?” You said yes, once again glancing at Logan. I’m almost positive this guy is hitting on me, but … “Maybe I can answer. Logan’s got the money and the power, but I work in Asset Development, so I’m much more … hands on, if you know what I mean.” His boldness took you by surprise, but as you thought about his words, you realized that if he was hitting on you, he was doing it without worry. Logan’s engaged, of course he wouldn’t care that someone was … 

 But even as you continued the conversation with the two men, Gideon supplying answers when Logan couldn’t, the man asking you questions and inviting you to visit him in his office sometime to talk more, you were slightly distracted. But Logan said …  when we were in the apartment, that he liked me … he tried to … You looked back and forth between both of them, trying to keep a neutral expression, and then focused on Gideon’s face. Logan’s too calm. There’s no way that he would … Gideon scratched his chin again and you sucked in a breath, trying to keep it quiet. Not only me, he was basically hitting on Juliet, too, and Logan wouldn’t… there’s no way that … Not if it was real. “Logan.” You whispered  the single word, locking your eyes on the man’s, finding that he was staring at you. “Logan.” 

 “That’s enough, Gideon.” The second man stopped speaking, and Logan continued. “All that we need is too close to be seen.” Without another word, Gideon stood and turned away from the table, heading back in the direction that he’d come from. What the fuck. “You figured it out.” Logan leaned closer, a note of pride in his voice. “How?” 

 “He was a…” Logan nodded. “I thought I was …” But Logan didn’t speak, only watching you quietly. “It was mostly you, Logan. He didn’t do anything, not really, but you … your reaction to him hitting on Juliet and... The way you just sat back and watched? You said it’s never real, and I think that if he’d really been doing that, in front of you? And including me? You wouldn’t have been so calm.” Maybe. He looked surprised at your words, but nodded. 

 “So I gave it away?” You did, but … “Gideon’s one of our newest. We use him as a test subject. He does work in Asset Management, but he’s going to be something else down the line.” So he let me meet a … he introduced me to … “Are you alright?” Logan’s hand moved as if he wanted to touch yours, but he stopped short. “I shouldn’t have …”

 “No, I’m....” You shook your head, lowering it. “I just wasn’t expecting to…” Bringing your gaze back up, you met Logan’s eyes once more. “He scratched his chin a few times, Logan, I caught that. And his eyes were … I’ve never seen eyes like that, especially on someone that seemed like -” But you stopped, not wanting to finish your sentence. I don’t need him to think I’m reading more into this. 

 “Seemed what?” But it wasn’t going to be that easy, Logan still talking quietly. “You gotta tell me.” 

 “I’ve never been hit on by a guy that looks like that.” You gestured in the direction that the man had gone. “But it felt real, so I… went with it.” 

 “Yeah you have.” He gave you a quick smile. “Because I’m pretty sure that I’ve -”

 “You don’t count, Logan. You’re practically married, so… you flirting might be honest, but it’s not going to …” It’s not going to lead anywhere. I don’t know what’s worse - the robot blatantly doing it that could have led to … or Logan, who can’t … “Wait, you were hitting on me?” You rolled your eyes, trying to lighten the mood. “You must be losing your touch, because I -” 

 “Oh, shut up. You know I was.” It was Logan’s turn to take a drink, watching you from over the rim of his glass. “So what did you think? Cal an’ the two in the basement, and Gideon?” Cal? You mean the receptionist? “Yeah, he’s a Host, too. Like I said, we’re rotating the new Hosts through different positions, just to make sure that they can integrate into real situations, when it comes time.” He’s telling me their future plans like I… “So you’ve talked to two of ‘em, touched two of them.” I did, they were … they felt like … “And?” 

 “And … what?” You were confused, overstimulated, still in disbelief that because of a chance encounter, you’d gotten an opportunity to - in person - see and feel the Delos Hosts. “I had no idea at first, Logan. Is that how it is in the parks? Are -”

 “No, they’re dialed back here. They have to be. The parks are meant to be … real, but still over the top. I can’t explain it. They’re tryin’ to get your attention from the second you step offa the train. It’s all a come-on, and everyone’s got a part to play. But here? They gotta fit in, blend in. There, you know that you’re interacting with them a lot of times, but here, you can’t know. 

 “Well they fooled me, Logan. Both of them, I -”

 “Not entirely, though.” He looked slightly worried. “You said you noticed Gideon scratching -”

 “Only because I was already focused on the way you were acting, Logan. Without you right here, I probably wouldn’t have …” Stop talking. The more you say, the more he’s… Logan wasn’t an idiot, and you knew that you’d likely already said too much. The look in his eyes confirmed your suspicions, and the next words he said solidified them. 

 “So you could tell I wasn’t… acting like myself?” You thought about lying to him - for a split second - making up an excuse that wouldn’t make it seem as if you were trying to read into his behavior - and then you didn’t. 

 “I could. Especially with Juliet. I don’t think any man would have the balls to talk about her like that in front of you.” You took a breath. “And I guess, Logan, that I don’t really think you’d just casually try to pawn me off on someone that I don’t -”

 “You’re right.” He chewed on his lower lip for a few seconds. “On both counts, actually. The last person that … disrespected Juliet in front of me? He got what he deserved. Eventually.” You watched Logan’s eyes go cold, lip curling slightly. That’s a sore subject. “And you? You’re damn right that I wouldn’t just sit back and... “ He stopped himself and you felt your heart thud, though you knew it was pointless. He’s just being a good friend. “But a Host?” Logan let out a long breath, closing his eyes and smirking for a few seconds. “They’re built to be fuckin’ irresistable, so…” One eyebrow raised, Logan finished his sentence. “It’s not a problem.” 

 “So wait a second.” You took another bite, needing a few seconds. “Does that mean that if Ariella were to go to the parks, you wouldn’t bat an eye at seeing -”

 “Nope.” He lifted a forkful of pasta salad to his lips, and when he’d swallowed, he spoke. “And I know that a lot of people think that’s bullshit, but as long as you know it’s not real? It makes it a hell of a lot easier to let your guard down, to look at it objectively.” 

 “What do you mean?” I get it, I think, but … “You could just watch her go off with one of them, knowing that -”

 “I could. I have.” He took another long swallow of his drink. “And not just Hosts, either.” That’s… wait, what? “Everyone’s got a history, right? With people, you never know what the fuck the other person’s doing; where they’ve been or who they’ve been with. With the parks? Every Host gets taken offline and cleaned up between Guest encounters, so it doesn’t matter. We’ve gotta protect the people in the parks, and we’ve gotta do what’s right. There’s no risk. No diseases, no pregnancies, no attachments.” His words echoed your earlier thoughts, but Logan continued. “I could take you right now, to where Gideon is, and bring him back online completely. He’d start the conversation with you where it left off. You guys could do whatever, and then go your separate ways… but the next time he met you? He might not remember it, depending on what we’ve had him doing between. To him, it’s like nothin’ happened, when we reset him, even though it did.”

“Logan, that -” 

 “It’s safe. It’s smart. It’s efficient. Think about how many relationships could be saved if people went and fucked Hosts instead of real people? Think about how many fewer problems there’d be, people blowin’ off steam by goin’ to bed with -” He swore, cutting himself off, muttering under his breath. “D’you wanna do that? Go find Gideon, or maybe even Cal? Have some… we’ve got private rooms here, in the building, you could -” Why is he… why does he think I… 

 “No, Logan.” You narrowed your eyes. “Gideon was good looking, but that doesn’t mean that I … it doesn’t matter that he’s a Host, I’ve spoken to him for fifteen minutes, and I -” You paused. “That would have been like you and I fucking in the Whole Foods parking lot with that damn ice cream melting in your trunk.” He snorted at that, giving you a look that you couldn’t quite read. I don’t know what’s going on right now, but this isn’t the same… he’s thinking about something different, something … “It would be different if I was in a park, Logan, and we’d known each other for a couple minutes, because that’s … that’s what it’s supposed to be like. But out here? This is real life. I can’t just get back on a train and leave, it…” You’re explaining this really poorly. 

 “Aren’t you curious? You’ve seen ‘em. Felt them, talked with them. Don’t you want to -”

 “Of course I’m curious, Logan, but that doesn’t mean … this is a lot to think about. I -”

 “What do you think?” His tone changed again, Logan’s eyes once again filled with warmth. “You asked me if I thought it was cheating, fucking the Hosts in the park, but what do you -”

 “It’s not.” You wet your lips. “It would probably be hard the first time, to know that someone I cared about was probably in bed with someo… something else, to see it happen, even just watching y… them walk away with the Host, but it… yeah, for the duration, it’s real, but… fuck, Logan, if I’m paying $40,000 a day? If they are paying $40,000 a day? Fuck all the robots you want and get your money’s worth.” That got a laugh from Logan, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he grinned. 

 “I’m offerin’ you, right now, the chance. No forty grand, no park, no … strings. You and onea those two, in a -”

 “No. Thank you, Logan, but no.” This is… are we really having this conversation? “If I’m going to sleep with one of the Hosts, I want it to be… the real circumstances, not just one basically hand delivered to me by the fucking CEO of the company that’s designing them.” And I don’t really want a Host, either, I… “What does that say about me, hmm?” You tilted your head to one side. “Need someone to play matchmaker for me, and the match isn’t even a real…” 

 “You don’t need me.” Logan interrupted. “I’m just in a position to offer you somethin’ you can’t refuse for a hell of a lot less than the going rate.” The playful tone was back in Logan’s voice, but you still heard some hesitation. What is … why? “Except you’re refusing it. Are you sure? Gideon’s a hell of a -”

 “I’m sure.” Though you were surprised to hear yourself reply so quickly, you were certain of your answer. “I appreciate it, but I…” You shrugged. “He might be designed to be perfect, but I’ll be honest and tell you he’s not what I usually go for.” You saw that Logan was surprised, but the man kept quiet, raising one hand and lifting his shoulder in a shrug. Not even close. 

 --- 

 The following weeks kept Logan busy with finalizing contracts, the man flying between LA and Boston for work multiple times. Though he kept in touch with you via text, you didn’t see each other again, and Logan thought that it was likely for the best. Because the last time she .. she gave me a lot to think about. 

 You’d picked up on his behavior both in front of the Host room and in the cafeteria, though you didn’t know him well. You’d paid more attention to him than to the Hosts that you’d been confronted with, even while Logan had seen you eyeing Gideon, almost in disbelief. And that was before she knew. It had been wrong of him to surprise you with so much information in so little time, but Logan had wanted to see your genuine reaction to the Hosts, and if he’d clued you in, it would have ruined everything. And she … she didn’t … 

 The disbelief he’d understood. Seeing and meeting them for the first time was special, even if their true potential wasn’t on display. But what he hadn’t understood was how quick you were to turn down the opportunity to get closer to either of the two men, though it was apparent that you understood the true stakes of the offer itself. She didn’t care. It wasn’t just about … the experience. You didn’t think that you’d ever make it to one of the parks, and were still willing to turn down the chance to take a Host to bed, no strings attached. Wish my fiancée was the same. 

 Your questions and comments about cheating, about the safety of being with Hosts had gotten to Logan, and though he knew that you had no idea about his relationship’s parameters, he’d been unable to stop thinking about what you’d said - and how you’d said it. She meant it. Really didn’t think I was honestly flirting with her, was surprised at me saying that I’ve watched Ariella… I’m sure she saw the way I reacted to talking about all those relationships. He swore under his breath, propping his feet up on the railing of the balcony. And then I tried to fucking get her to go off with … 

 The look in your eyes as he’d suggested you sleeping with one of the Hosts had surprised him the most. It wasn’t that he didn’t think you’d take the opportunity if presented with it under normal circumstances, but he’d put you on the spot, and he knew it. But she… Instead of agreeing out of shock and excitement, you’d turned his offer down repeatedly, providing him with legitimate explanations for your refusal. There was something she didn’t say, though. He lifted the beer bottle to his lips, taking a long drink as the LA skyline twinkled in front of him. Something she was thinking. If Gideon - or Cal - weren’t your type, then what was? There’s gotta be… 

 He’d told William once that the park managed to seduce everyone at some point, and while he’d been trying to make the man understand what he was in store for, Logan believed the words himself. The park, the Hosts, the stakes … it’s a lot. But she … she’s still...

 The more he got to know you, the more he wanted to understand. She’s not like … Logan’s mind drifted to his fiancée, and at the realization that she’d be back in Los Angeles within sixteen hours, Logan winced. Ariella woulda fucked them both, no questions asked. The woman had very few boundaries, and despite the fact that she was wearing a diamond he’d given her on her finger, that deficiency extended to the bedroom - and to her partners. She’s here for my dad’s party, and then we’ll have some meetings on Sunday with vendors, and then she’ll be gone again, and I … He rubbed a hand over his entire face, letting out a sigh. “Same fuckin’ thing.” 

 Staring up at the slowly darkening sky, Logan watched as the clouds moved across it, his mind racing. He truly didn’t care about the Host interactions, because that was what the parks were for. But each week that passed, each time he checked the woman’s private accounts, or his lawyers had to race to keep stories from leaking about her indiscretions, the amount that he cared about their future decreased, too. Might not be a traditional relationship, but goddamn, she could at least … He knew he was a catch - educated, wealthy, good looking - but Logan’s self esteem dropped each time he saw his fiancée, the woman barely lukewarm toward him, unless she knew the cameras were on. I was in bed with her more when we weren’t anything serious. Who would have … 

 Logan finished his drink and stood, striding back through the living room and into his kitchen, opening the drawer where Ariella had stashed the small container of drugs. I can’t believe this is … Setting the bottle down on the counter, he picked up the tin, turning it over in his fingers, a frown on his face. He felt the faint pull, deep in his chest, thinking about the days when he wouldn’t have thought twice about opening it and seeing what she’d left for him; carrying it into the master bathroom and dumping out a small mound of the white powder onto the back of his hand, covering one knuckle. It’d be easy. His fingers curled, the container solid in his hand. She might not even remember it’s here, so she wouldn’t know it’s gone. He lowered his head. Or maybe when she gets here, we can say fuck Jim’s party, and…

 But before that thought could continue, Juliet’s face - and then Emily’s flashed through his mind. Juliet’s features were schooled into the same mixture of sadness and fear that he’d seen when he woke up in the hospital after Westworld, Emily’s eyes filled with disappointment. I can’t do that. Not to them, not again. Not to myself. His eyes opened and he glanced down, head shaking back and forth before he set the container back down and slid the drawer shut. She’s not worth it. He knew it to be true - knew that every moment following the agreement that they made, every second of their relationship was worse than the last, but Logan was hesitant to let himself focus on it. I can’t. It’ll ruin everything, but no one … no one notices, no one sees… 

 At that thought, Logan also thought of you, the way you’d noticed his actions, noticed the subtle changes in his demeanor after only spending a few hours with him. He thought of the way you spoke to him - unafraid to question him, and even less afraid to tell him the truth, even when it differed from what he said or thought. She would notice. He knew that it was the truth - knew that the moment you saw him and Ariella together, you’d know something wasn’t right. Maybe that would be … He sighed, moving down the hallway and into his bedroom, laying down atop the blankets and folding one arm back beneath his head. But then I’d need to explain, and she wouldn’t … it’d be like I was lying to her, and I’m not. I just can’t … “Fuck.” He closed his eyes. “God fucking dammit.” 

 He’d never done so much as touch you anywhere but the arm or the back of your neck; hadn’t even come close to kissing you or holding you, but Logan couldn’t deny that he was interested in you. And it’s not … not even physical, it’s… everything. He wouldn’t act on it - even with the arrangement he had in place with Ariella - because Logan knew that you deserved more. And I think it’s … I don’t think it would be as easy as … He rubbed his eyes with one hand but didn’t reopen them. And if she knew, it would mean that I’d either have to refuse to say anything else, or … or tell her about Billy, and what started this whole thing. 

 The extent of the William Incident was something that very few people knew. Juliet knew all of it; his therapist knew everything, too. Ariella knew that he’d had a bad experience, but he hadn’t ever found the will to explain to her - preferring to only blame his drug use and excessively destructive lifestyle to nearly dying in the desert, without detailing it. And fucking Jim still doesn’t believe me, otherwise he wouldn’t have … Logan swore again, letting out a long breath. He’d never truly wanted to tell anyone, because the more Logan thought about it, the more he blamed himself - for taking William, for pushing him, for not seeing the signs until it was too late. Do I want to tell someone?

 There were days he believed that it would have been easier if he’d died in the desert - all of his shares in the company and his fortune rolling over into a trust meant for any future children of Juliet’s when they turned 18, the only stipulation that they not be touched by William in any way, shape or form. Fucking him out of that would have been something that he didn’t expect, and it would have… ruined him. That got a small smile from Logan, eyes cracking open as he turned his head toward the window. “But I didn’t.” He repeated the words, sitting up. “I’m still here, and still at Delos, and he isn’t.” 

 Logan pushed himself into a sitting position and swung his legs over the side of the bed, planting his feet flat on the floor. If it came down to it - and you ever met Ariella - Logan knew that you’d have tons of questions for him. But would I answer? He frowned, lower lip jutting out. Do I want her to ask? He sighed, standing. And what would Ariella … would she say anything? Would she see the way… “The way what, Delos? She’s your friend, and …” But if I wasn’t engaged, I think it would be… “Different.” 

 --- 

 “Ari, come on.” He was sitting on the couch, one arm stretched out over the back of it. “We’re gonna be late, we’ve gotta stop over and pick up Jules on the way.” His eyes were on the TV, a movie playing on low volume. “You -”

 “I’m ready, Logan.” He turned his head at the sound of her voice, Logan’s eyes landing on the redhead. “I don’t know why we’re not taking a car, it makes -”

 “Because I need to be able to leave whenever I want to.” He stood, swallowing. “”You look great, Ari. That’s a -” His hand landed on her hip, and the woman’s hands moved to his chest, palms flat. “That’s a good color on you.” He wasn’t lying - the woman did look great, the navy blue cocktail dress hugging all of her curves, her long hair swept over one shoulder and held in place by a jeweled clip. “You look like you got some sun, too, you -”

 “You never know who’s going to be at these things, Logan.” She rose onto her toes, kissing his cheek. “Have to make a good impression, right?” No, you don’t, because you’re going to be my wife. No one will … But he didn’t say anything in response, pulling away from the  woman and grabbing his jacket from where it was hanging over the back of a chair, folding it over his arm. “Who made the guest list this time, Logan? Anyone I’d know on it?” Probably. 

 They rode the elevator down, Logan reciting some of the people’s names that would likely be there, Ariella rifling through her purse as she half listened. You asked, and now you … He rolled his eyes as the two of them exited into the garage, the woman waiting until Logan had opened the door for her to lower herself into the seat. As he slid into his side, buckling his seatbelt, Logan turned the car on and backed out of his spot, hearing the woman let out a breath. “What?” 

 “Can we turn the air on, Logan? It’s disgusting here, it’s so sticky out -” Oh, you better not have … He swung his head to look at her, eyes landing on the woman’s nose before they moved up. But Ariella’s eyes were clear and there was no powder beneath either nostril. So she’s just complaining. Got it. But he flipped the dial, and within only a few seconds, the interior had cooled off. “So why are we picking up Juliet? I thought she’d drive herself, maybe bring -”

 “She didn’t want to drive herself, and as far as I know, she didn’t ask anyone to go with her.” Logan turned onto 10, shaking his head. “So I offered to drive her, because I figured it’d be easier.” And because she’ll have to head home earlier because of Emily. “Besides, it’ll give the two of you more time to talk, since you haven’t seen each other in a while.” Logan knew that Juliet wasn’t the biggest fan of Ariella, and that she felt somewhat responsible for Logan’s situation. But she doesn’t need to. It’s my own … He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, merging onto 110. “Ari, I set up a couple appointments for tomorrow. A wedding planner and a -”

 “Yeah, about that.” She reached over, letting her hand rest on his knee. “Logan, I don’t … Do we have to meet with them? Can’t we just pick one, and then put them into contact with…” Logan groaned, feeling more disappointed than he thought he would. She doesn’t even … “I’ve already narrowed down the dresses, and I think that I’ve found a way to sell the first look at …” 

 “We have nothing planned, and you’re already worrying about who you can sell a story to?” Logan switched lanes, fingers flexing on the steering wheel. “Doesn’t that seem -” 

 “We’ve set a date, Logan. Everything else will fall into place.” She squeezed his knee and then pulled her hand away. “I can have my publicist get ahold of yours so that we can coordinate, but honestly? I don’t… Logan, it’s not like this is …” Yeah. I know. “We might as well make the most of it, right? Get as much out of the whole thing as possible? We don’t need to plan it, we just need to show up.” That’s not what I… But he again fell silent as they continued to drive, Logan unsure of what to say to the woman. So she’s taking it less seriously than I am. I should have known, but … He let out a breath, glancing over at the woman and was unsurprised to see that she’d pulled her phone out, her full attention on the device. I could ask her what she’s been… but I don’t want to fight. I just want to… “Look, right on time.” 

 She finally spoke again as they pulled around a dark blue SUV and into Juliet’s driveway, the gate open. We are. Actually, we’re a few minutes early. “Do you want to come in and see Em? It’s been -” 

 “I guess.” The woman shrugged. “I haven’t really ever spent much time with her, so I don’t know how …” For the first time in as long as he could remember, Ariella looked truly uncomfortable, a small frown on her face. “Does she know who I am?” She does, but … 

 “Yeah, Ari. Of course she does.” He grinned, running one hand through his hair and sliding his keys into his pocket. “Come on.” They walked across the driveway and up to the front door, Logan knocking once before pushing down on the handle and opening it. “Jules? We’re here.” They stepped into the entryway, Logan glancing around the corner. “Em?” He heard the little girl before he saw her; an excited shriek of his name followed by the sound of her footsteps as she ran toward them. Probably in her playroom. The little girl rounded the corner, her arms held out to Logan, who crouched over and reached for her, the grin never leaving his face. At least someone’s happy to see me. He hugged the girl to his chest, turning his head toward Ariella, who was watching with the same uncomfortable smile on her face, but what Logan wasn’t expecting was a second set of footsteps following the little girl’s, abruptly stopping along with the movement that he saw out of the corner of his eye. What … Squeezing Emily one more time, he set her down, still staring. There’s… why? In disbelief, Logan stood up again, lips parted slightly as he said your name, confused. “What are you -”

 “Juliet’s babysitter canceled last minute.” You shrugged, taking a step into the room and toward Logan and Ariella, even as Emily returned to your side, one arm going around your bare leg and your fingers barely brushing the top of her head. “And I was supposed to come over tomorrow anyway, so I …” You shrugged. “I just said I’d watch Em, so Juliet didn’t have to miss the party, and …” He heard it - the slight waver of your voice as you looked between him and Ariella, your eyes never lingering on either of them. “So, while you guys are eating all of that fancy food and drinking that alcohol, and schmoozing... Emily and I are going to swim, and roast marshmallows, and …” He heard his niece giggle, watching as you looked back down. “Have fun, right?” 

 The little girl nodded and Logan felt himself smiling as he watched the two of you interact, you barely paying attention to Logan and Ariella. Where are you, Jules? Why didn’t you … Logan’s heart was thumping in his chest, and he felt closer to panic than he had in months, but he wasn’t quite sure why. “How do you two know each other?” Ariella finally spoke, stepping forward, her heels clicking against the floor. “Are you a friend of -”

 “Logan and I met in a Whole Foods like … six weeks ago?” You tilted your head to one side. “He was buying a card for his housekeeper’s kid, and we talked for a few minutes.” You took a breath, clearing your throat. “Emily, go ahead back into the playroom. I’ll be there in a little while.” But before she did as you asked, the little girl let go of you and sprinted back toward Logan, her arms held out for another hug, which he gave her without pause, telling her to be good for you. As she disappeared through the doorway, you stepped closer to Logan and Ariella, blinking. “And after that, he introduced me to Juliet, because I live kind of close, and …” You shrugged. “It worked out, because…” Logan glanced at Ariella, watching as she assessed you, her eyes slightly narrowed, but still curious. What is… she’s never … “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you, Ariella, from both Logan and J-”

 “I haven’t heard anything about you.” Her tone bored, Ariella stepped away from Logan, reaching up with her left hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. Why is she… “Are you sleeping with Logan? You should.” He sucked in a breath at the woman’s question, Logan’s eyes going back to you and seeing yours widen, head jerking back in surprise. “You’re not really his type, but it wouldn’t…” 

 “Ari.” He finally spoke. “Stop, there’s -” But you scoffed, shaking your head and rolling your eyes. 

 “What kind of a question is that? He’s engaged. He’s been very upfront about that since the second I met him and realized who he was. So no, Ariella, I’m not fucking your fiance.” You didn’t flinch as you spoke, which impressed Logan, the man focused entirely on the way that you were holding your ground, arms loosely by your sides. “Besides, even if I wanted to, Logan’s not the kind of person to cheat on -” 

 “You didn’t tell her?” Ariella laughed, looking away from you and back at Logan. “Really?” No, because it’s part of the fucking … “Oh, you...” Ariella laughed again, refocusing on you. “He’s engaged, but it isn’t a real…” Stop it, Ari.

 “Hello, Ariella.” The three of you looked up, seeing that Juliet was standing on the stairs, arms crossed over her chest. “So good to see you.” Logan caught the ice in his sister’s tone. “Thank you for coming to get me, Logan. I’m almost ready, I just need to say goodbye to Emily, and then we can go.” He nodded, still feeling slightly numb. I need to … But he wasn’t sure what he needed to do, and though he’d thought that he wanted you to meet Ariella, the fact that it was actually happening had unsettled him. 

 “Juliet, it’s great to see you.” Ariella smiled brightly. “While you go and say goodbye to Emily, I’m going to go and use your bathroom. It’s so hot out, I want to check my makeup.” Juliet waved a hand vaguely at the stairs as she crossed the hallway toward where you stood, and without even acknowledging Logan, his fiancee stepped past him, taking the stairs quickly. I should follow Juliet, spend a few more minutes with Emily. 

 “You look great, Logan.” He heard you speaking, finally finding it in himself to meet your gaze. “It’s been a couple weeks, your hair got long.” It did. You hadn’t moved, still standing in the doorway, but you’d crossed your arms, a small frown on your face. “I didn’t realize …” 

 “Thank you.” Logan watched you, unsure of what to say. “I need to get it cut, but I don’t…” 

 “Nah, it makes you look younger.” You finally cracked a smile, but he saw the confusion in your eyes. “I’m sorry, Logan. I don’t know why she assumed that -” No. Don’t you dare apologize. 

 “She assumed it because that’s what she thinks of me.” He shrugged, deciding to say as much as he could without saying anything. “I’m used to it, and I should be, because of my past, but …” He wet his lips, frowning. “She had… no right.” 

 “She should know that. Maybe not about me, because she doesn’t know me, but she’s marrying you, Logan, she should …” You looked up, sighing. “It’s not my business. And neither is …” Swallowing hard, you looked at him again, and instinctively, Logan knew what was coming. “What did she mean, Logan? That you’re engaged, but it’s not … not a real what?” He expected it from you - the direct questioning - but still didn’t know how to answer. He paused, searching your face for a few seconds, but before he could reply, Juliet spoke again from behind you. 

 “That might be a conversation for another day, hmm?” He watched as the woman squeezed your arm. “We’ve got to leave, and if you guys get into that, it’ll…” She grinned, but Logan could tell that she was unsettled, too. “Em’s playing with her dollhouse, she knows that she has to listen to you, and I think she’ll be good.”

 “She will.” Logan spoke, pushing his fingers through his hair again as Juliet stepped past you and next to him. “You won’t have any problems. And if you do?” He widened his smile. “Tell her Uncle Logan’s going to -” 

 “Uncle Logan’s going to what?” Everyone’s attention went back to the stairs, Ariella descending quickly, one hand on the railing. “Usually that threat comes before he takes his clothes -” Stop it. Logan’s eyes were on the woman’s face, and it only took him a few seconds to see that she was once again out of it, pupils wide and the smile on her face artificial. You couldn’t even wait until we … He heard Juliet hiss from next to him and Logan fought back a wince, his eyes going to you for a brief second. She looks disappointed. “He’s good at making threats… promises… you name it.” He felt Ariella’s hand on his arm, her fingers curling around the space just beneath his elbow. “He’s good at a lot of things. You sure you haven’t -” 

 “How’d he propose to you, Ariella?” You cut her off, and Logan watched the forced smile on your face, the expression not reaching your eyes. That’s the question she asks? “I saw the pictures in some of the magazines and online, but I’ve been really curious about how he …” What is she doing? Why does she… But Logan realized that you were trying to redirect the woman, reminding her that you knew he was off limits - and Logan didn’t think he’d ever appreciated something more. “I bet it’s a really good story.” 

 “You know, I don’t…” Ariella laughed. “I don’t even remember where we were when he asked.” Logan couldn’t stop the recoil at her words, his mouth dropping open. I didn’t … really? “Oh, come on, Logan. It’s not that big of a deal. We’d been drinking a lot, and it was mostly for show anyway, because we knew that the press was expecting it, so I guess…” She turned her head toward him, smirking. “He probably remembers, though. Logan remembers everything.” 

 “It’s time to go.”Juliet spoke again, her voice even frostier than it had been. “Logan, are you ready?” I’ve been ready. “If you need me, call. I can be back here in half an hour.” Logan watched you collect yourself and then nod at the woman, keeping your eyes averted. She must have so many … 

 “We’ll be fine, Juliet. I promise.” Your voice didn’t waver, but Logan heard something in it, a thinly veiled concern, maybe. I … she… “Hope you guys have a good time.” We won’t. You didn’t say anything else, instead turning away and beginning to step out of the room, but Ariella said your name, telling you to stop. What is … 

 “I meant it.” You looked back over your shoulder at them, and Logan again froze, waiting. “You really should see what he’s like in bed before we get married and he’s not allowed anymore.” The woman laughed and Logan couldn’t stop himself from pulling his arm away from her, eyes wide and jaw dropped. “He might not have told you what the deal is, but I’m here - right here - telling you that I don’t care what he does.” She raised an eyebrow at Logan, lips curved into a satisfied smirk. “Everything stops when we get married, but not a second before, right darling?” He felt rage, the emotion coursing through his blood stronger than it ever had before; moreso than when William had left him in the desert, stronger than when Juliet and his father hadn’t believed him, sharper than when he’d been disappointed in himself for making such destructive and dangerous choices about his health. Because this isn’t just about me. This is … “Then again,” Ariella drawled out the words, her accent all but disappearing. “Someone like you might not be able to stop when it’s time, since I’m positive you’ve never had anyone like Logan before.” 

 You blinked twice and Logan saw that you were close to tears. Unacceptable.  “Enough. It’s time to go.” He reached for her arm, gripping it with his long fingers and pulling her back toward the door. “You’re being a real asshole, Ari.” She only laughed, wrenching herself out of his grip and turning toward the door, her back to you without another word. Juliet moved too, following the other woman, but Logan focused on you, his mouth opening and closing a few times, though he didn’t speak. What do I even… Rather than saying anything, you closed your eyes, shaking your head back and forth before opening them again, gaze locked on Logan’s face. You mouthed the word “go”, reaching up to swipe beneath your eye with a knuckle, biting down on one corner of your lip, and while it was the last thing he wanted to do, Logan felt his shoulders slumping as he did what you asked. I hope she … hope she lets me explain, lets me apologize… 

 But Logan had the sinking feeling in his stomach that the friendship that the two of you had built up over the previous weeks had been damaged beyond repair due to Ariella’s interference - and the information he’d kept from you, despite the necessity of doing so. 

 ---

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[tipsylorie]

Dream Project Pt. 2 {title in progress}

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

A/N: Hello guys! Here is the second part of the story I have been working on. My friend @w-h-i-t-e-mochi had read this already and she commented that it might feel a bit dragging. So, Im sorry about that but I just tried to emphasise on how Jayceon Stone acts as her assistant. This is not yet proof read tho so, sorry again. But I came to realisation on how Lee Da Hee would make a great Liviana and to be paired with Lee Jun Ho as Jayceon. Therefore, if you want, they can be your character reference. 

Word Count: 2,300

Before Liviana got to her office, she was greeted by her employees with good mornings, and she greeted them all back with a smile and nod of acknowledgement. Once she arrived at her office, she was welcomed with the young man once again with a smile on his face. “Good morning Liv, I hope you had a goodnight sleep and your first schedule for today is supposedly with the Finance Department of the entertainment, but it seems like you should prioritise the meeting with your potential investor, Mr. Stone.”

Liv can’t help but chuckle with how blunt his assistant was as he immediately stated her schedule for today, so she just replies with, “Woah, what’s the rush Jer? Slowly. I agree on meeting with the investor first so maybe update them that after 45 minutes we are good to see each other at the Casa Royale Hotel. I just need to look through the contract again and see area for negotiation.”

Jayceon is a bit flustered with Liviana’s remark of him seems to be in a rush because this is the first time of him doing such job and he just copied what Dexter usually do as his assistant. So, his response went, “Sorry about that Liv. I just tried to be productive by not stalling any tasks that could’ve already been done. The contract is already sent to your email so just check that and I will call his assistant now. So please excuse me.” After saying the last line, Jayceon exited the office and sat on his desk just outside of it.

~30 minutes later~

“Would you like to come with me Jer?” Liv asked the young man as she exited her office.

“Sure, no problem. I already notified the Financial Department of the meeting being moved an hour later.” Jayceon replied with ease.

“Good job!” She said and high fived him. “Now let’s go.” She continued as she led the way to the parking lot where her driver and car awaits.

~At the Casa Royale Hotel~

“Over here Ms. Voss!” Dexter exclaimed as he waves Liv and Jayce to go to his direction. “Thank you for arranging this meeting Ms. Voss and please do have a seat.” Dexter said as he gestured to the seats vacant for the two and they sat as Dexter continues, “Unfortunately Mr. Stone won’t be able to be here as he is in a 1 week leave due to the transitioning of company rights. I hope that is okay as I am given the Power of Attorney as his proxy for today. He had trusted me that whatever agreements we will be having for today is as good to be his as well. So, no need to be concerned.”  He said the last line with a reassuring voice.

Liviana was taken back a little bit as she was expecting to meet the CEO himself, so she answers, “Oh, alright then. I can say by re-reading the contract before coming here is that it was really detailed and somehow stringent.” Liv’s remarks made the vibe feel tense as Jayceon starts to worry and his secretary noticed the faint change of his facial expression. Fortunately, the young woman who has no idea on what caused the sudden change of vibe smiles and continues to say, “But there is need to worry because I like it that way. It will help us keep things black and white and lessen misunderstandings so, I say we seal the deal right away!” She said the last line with enthusiasm and grabs a pen to sign the document. This made the young CEO relax his tense shoulders and gives a smile of recognition to his assistant that he is satisfied with how the meeting turned out.

The partnership was sealed with the final handshake between Liviana and Dexter. Then all of them bid their goodbyes with a last reminder from the older man that after a week, they will meet again to announce publicly about the merger. Liviana and Jayceon conclusively thanked Dexter and took their leave.

Once they arrived back the LV Entertainment building, Jayceon reminded Liviana of her meeting that will take place in 15 minutes.

“Thanks Jer, I will just grab the needed materials in my office. Oh, you can seat this one out because I don’t think I will need an assistant there. So, you can just grab an early lunch or Brunch if you still haven’t eaten your breakfast.” Liviana informed her assistant.

“But I can totally accompany you since it is my job, and maybe… I can give some inputs if you want.” Jayceon tried to reason because she can feel how Liv is being lenient towards him.

She can sense what her assistant is trying to do, and this made her smile, so she replies, “Do not worry Jer, I am not taking it easy towards you but I really don’t find the need to have you there. I can just message you when I need something or when there is something worth noting. But for now, you can just grab your lunch. Okay?”

Jayceon was satisfied with her reply, so he responded, “Sure Liv. Thanks. I will also just arrange the meetings for later to keep everything smooth sailing.”

This made Liviana say, “That would be amazing. Thank you.” She took her leave to proceed to the conference room.

**Jayceon’s Phone**

Message from Liviana: Check Break Even Analysis

Reply sent: Should I check it Liv, right now?

Liviana forgot to put her phone on mute so everyone in the room heard the chime of notification. This made her say, “Sorry guys, please continue.” Then she sent her assistant another message.

**Jayceon’s Phone**

Message from Liviana: No, I will just spam you of the things I need to do. So there’s no need for you to reply.

Reply sent: Oh, okay. Sorry.

Message from Liviana: I said, do not replyyy 😭

Message from Liviana: TLA each branch financial report last month in conjunction of the Entertainment

Message from Liviana: Bake some Choco Moist Cake for Julie

~After many messages later~

“Thank you so much everyone. We need to find solutions soon to add more income without jeopardising the operating expenses. So, I will be all open with suggestions in my email. Okay guys?” Liv informed her staff and all of them agreed then she ended the meeting.

~Back to her office~

“Why is there food on my table? I didn’t order anything.” Liv thought to herself when her secretary enters her office.

“I bought you some lunch in case you’re hungry. I am not sure what to but so I just bought sandwich and Iced Americano to play it safe. I hope it is fine.” Jayceon told her boss.

“It’s actually great! I totally forgot that I haven’t eaten my lunch yet. Thanks. This is actually my go-to food when I am having hard time to think what to eat. So really, thank you Jer.” Liviana told her secretary with genuinely.

Jayceon replies enthusiastically, “No problem, boss. Just doing my job!” He is about to leave then he suddenly remembers something, “May I ask something Liv?”

“Sure.” Live replied as she took a bite of her sandwich.

“With everything you sent me earlier, from the meeting’s notes to your friend’s cake, why did you still forget your own food?” Jayceon asked curiously.

“Yes, I think so. Are you planning on checking up the Academy’s different branches afterwards?” Jayceon asked his boss to confirm and inform that the schedule in the iPad seems incomplete.

It took a while for Liviana to think of an answer so she manages to say is, “Well, all I could think of once I get home is food, maybe that’s why.” She smiled to her assistant with face shows confusion with the lack of answer she replied so she just says, “It’s easier that way. Anyways, what’s next to our schedule?”

While Liviana is taking a sip of her Iced Americano, Jayceon enumerated the meetings that are lined up and this is followed by a question from Liv, “After all these meetings for today, does that end all of the Entertainment’s agendas for the week?”

“Yeah, why? Is there something wrong?” Liviana asked worriedly.

“It’s just that your ex-assistant seemed to forget to update the calendar since what I have now is relatively blank.” Jayceon stated as he looked through the tablet’s screen.

This made Liv ponder for a few minutes and came to a realisation, so she replies, “I believe it was purposely left that way since that is what I instructed her before she left. Hence, we can just leave it like that and have some sort of business trip tomorrow. I will message you the information once I got home because we need to go to the meeting now.”

Jayceon was relieved to know that there was no missing schedule, so he answered, “Sure, I’ll be right behind you Liv.”

After Liviana and Jayceon finished attending all the meetings for the day, she asked him to her office even though it was already passed his clock.

The young man took a seat adjacent to Liviana’s table and she remarks, “Hey, I think I will need your opinion about making the partnership with Stone Corp. public sooner instead of a week. Because I made some thinking the whole day and concluded that it would create traction for the Entertainment. I am not sure if you’ve already seen our latest financial reports that we are close to be in red – and barely breaking even.” Her face is contoured in full worries and anxiousness, she continues, “So I just want to know your opinion if I were to propose this to Mr. Stone, would it be alright or not?” She asked and nervously waiting for Jayceon’s reply.

“Honestly Liv, I don’t think you should rush this. Because one week is not a long time. The best advice I could give you is focus on the events that will happen, both in TLA and the Entertainment. Do not worry too much.” This response from Mr. Stone might come out quite manipulative but as Liv asked him with sincerity, this is the best answer he has based on his judgement with the overall situation.

The young woman took some time to weigh what her secretary just told her, and her reply goes, “Yes. Yeah, I think you’re right. I agree. Maybe let’s conclude for the day and meet tomorrow at the usual time here in the building to gather last minute things.” She informed her assistant, and both bid their goodbyes.

~At Liviana’s House~

“Let’s make the cake first and then eat dinner afterwards before checking all the reports for tomorrow’s trip.” Liv said as she tries to reason with herself.

Her closest friend Julie is having her 27th birthday tomorrow and she is currently supervising the branch of TLA where the Scholarship Audition Programme is going to be held, which is the Municipality of Paradigmia.  It is like the second main branch after the one in the City of Pneumarê. The main branch is the only one located in a city, however due to the development of the Tree of Life Academy the municipalities and provinces where other branches are located, it is becoming a progressive community which at a very near future can make them a city. If you are wondering on why the Final Audition is not going to take place in the city, well… It is because of how it was agreed upon on where annual inter-branch events will take place – and it is through spinning wheel where the names of the branches are written in random order. Therefore, she must make sure to visit Paradigmia at all costs tomorrow.

Going back to Liv’s closest friend, Julie Andews is also her longest friend who also supported her while she was busy integrating an Entertainment company to her family’s Academy. Ever since it was Anne who was more focused on handling the academics aspects, so it took quite a while for Julie to find a place where she truly suitable. Heck, she even attempted to do the financial aspect, but it took a toll on her. Then, one time strolling through the city’s academy branch, she saw the need to develop the extra-curricular activities not just for students who do it for grades but also those who wants to experience it. Especially when she realised that it would be vital for the integration of a Korean Entertainment Company. So, she drew up a proposal on how she plans to execute such developments and it was immediately approved by Liv. Liviana also doubled check it with her parents if such change would be okay and even though it took a week for them to agree, Julie was able to perform her plan without a hitch.

Okay, going back to the cake. After she baked the 3 layers of the heart-shaped cake for Julie she realised that she mixed a hell a lot of batter. So, she just took some of her leftover cupcake cups and make the rest of the red velvet mix into cupcakes. To Liv’s surprise she was still able to great 2 dozen of cupcakes, so she plans to give half of it to Anne as she also promised her a visit yesterday. Liviana successfully iced and decorated the cake and all the cupcakes after several hours, so she proceeds on putting it on her refrigerator to finally have her dinner.

Liviana freshen up before heading to her bed since it was a tedious work and cleaning earlier in the kitchen that made her sweat a lot. Before having her eyes closed, she remembers the reports she must re-evaluate this made her say, “For fuck’s sake.” After another 2 hours she finally got her sleep.

[End of Part 2]

[havetheavengersdoneanythingwrong]

Act 2 -- Il Dottore Part 3

[tagging @hasnightingaledoneanythingwrong ]

An engineer, a man of wit and mystery, takes the field.

He must take the script.

He must take the script.

He must take the script. Correct?

--

There's a mirror in front of me.

I can see through it -- I can see that man's eyes.

What's left of them.

'My' own hands, and the spear that would no doubt pierce my skull.

'Myself' -- separated from that body. Even my name, my 'self,' would elude me. I try to call for my name, to unconsciously understand my body, to grip on and 'reconnect,' yet --

There's no controller. My hands reach out in this endless abyss of gears, locked tightly by some horrible fluid, crunching something as it desperately tried to spin.

The clicking of an overextended piston.

The ground beneath me trembled.

Even my eyesight grows blurry, staring through the mirror, towards the white-haired woman who approaches 'me' so angrily.

That speartip grows closer still, and I--

--

...

There's a horde of gears beneath me.

Perhaps I'm laying down -- the clicking of struggling gears is all I can hear, or feel, against my back -- my feet. All around me, rust falls -- like snowflakes falling from the roof of metal, hanging wires and leaking engines, steadily coating the environment in its own twisted form of 'lakes' -- pools of oil, mixed with rust flakes, populating the areas surrounding me. Forming a path of broken parts, brittle and rusted over -- pointing forwards.

...There's an ache in my head. A pounding, drilling feeling. My body flickers -- certainly, I am to exist, as I feel 'me' being ripped away-

Groping around behind me, the wall, the ground I was leaning on, my greyed hands grasped something tough --

...A book.

A play with no visible name.

Just a blank hardcover back, dyed black, flecks of rust on its form.

...I force myself off the ground, onto the wall.

One foot in front of the other.

The wall cracks beneath my feet. The brittle floor crunches, shudders, underneath even the weight of my step.

My lightest footsteps cracked the beams beneath my feet -- long since, I assumed, brought to ruin by the surrounding environment. Eaten away -- desecrated.

And yet, still only the snap -- the crack, of the wall on which I walked.

...I raised my hand -- wiped a few drops of oil from it, stepping away from a broken engine just above me -- and placed my eyes on the book before me.

...The feeling in my head -- the drilling, drives itself deeper into my temples.

[It is yours. It is your script/life/world. It is your 'existence.']

...Words, in my mind. The unimaginable language that worms its way into my mind -- whispers its meanings without being heard, to get across what words alone could not.

It ate -- tore at me, 'myself.' Taking a chunk of my mind -- my 'self,' suddenly, even--

"...What do you mean?"

[...It is simple. What you have done now is your purpose -- to stop that man. To break/destroy/harm him. Do you now understand?]

...

...The man. The one I had watched 'me' deface -- attempt to harm. Had harmed.

Through the mirror, the shattered visage of the man remained -- his body twitching, shuddering.

Muscles spasming as each jagged edge dug itself deeper --

...I found my hand moving to my mouth, distracting my quivering stomach with the piercing scent of oil and rust.

"I didn't do that. That... That wasn't me. I've been here this whole time."

[And does that matter? Whose hands are stained/coated/reveling in the blood?]

...

...I found my hands wouldn't open -- wouldn't drop this book.

'Was the voice coming from this -- or..?'

[...You are an actor/pawn/word in a story. Look at you/rself.]

...A 'thunk' -- a creaking in the metal beams -- disturbed the grounds. My eyes raise themselves from the book.

Towards 'me.'

Donning the clear mask, dripping with liquids.

A body like mine -- a gaudy, old-fashioned black outfit, long since stained and worn down with the rust, the oil, the...

...

"..."

...Not a word. The 'me' steps forward. Readies a knife.

[...You are not what you were in other times/worlds/beings. You are neither a hero/god/saviour, nor even a worker/engineer/bee.]

...The 'me' throws his knife. My body jerks -- twitches, forcing itself to the side, catching my heels, my body thrown off its balance.

[You are an actor/pawn/fool. Accept your script.]

The brittle, rust ridden ground beneath me --

-- in a moment, collapses.

--

...

There's a buzzing.

A loud screaming of scratching metals -- the hum of an old light trying to keep itself alive.

There's a warmth about me. My hand raises -- my blurry eyes, for a moment, catch a glowing, red, something, before it scatters.

And in its place, is --

...Light.

Endless light.

My eyes slowly focus in on this -- this...

...'Feeling.'

A feeling made manifest.

Feelings, made manifest.

Of what was lost to me -- such a being, unmoved by the surrounding gears, the pieces, remained. Surrounding me.

Then --

[...Are you awake/asleep/open, my beloved?]

...A thousand voices. A million voices. Speaking in unison -- a Greek chorus of words, spoken all at once, in each tone an entire person spoken.

"...Who.. are you..?"

[...If such simple questions explained me/us/you, we would not stand here.]

...There's a golden light -- it reverberates, shining off what remained of the iron, steel components of this land I fell to.

[...We were summoned, here -- for you/me/them. To help. This story of ours/theirs/us we wished to watch -- is not, we/I/you realize, as we expected/wished/wanted.]

"...Are you... a Familiar? Or are you a Servant, like they.. The... That they spoke of..?"

...A Servant. One I'd understood -- even if the memory was lost. A replica of a hero from history. But where I was now was assuredly not the 'real world' -- not a place where a Servant could even be.

[...We/I/you/them/ are the Audience. There is little else to know.]

...

"...You mentioned you were to... help."

...The drilling returns -- intensifies. My lungs quiver, and tighten -- my brain 'pulsing,' in pain. In realization, of--

[...We/I/You may not help in the way of saving you. However, I would have you hold these, my beloved, and attempt to move. To remember/believe/forget.]

...Two objects appeared at my feet --

[...I wish you/me/us/them the best.]

--and the light faded.

...

The first -- a lone amulet. A necklace. A pale silver, carefully crafted, held shut by a tiny clasp.

...Something I carried with me -- the drill in my mind, the drill tearing off the 'pieces' of me, could not remove such a thing.

The second -- a revolver.

At a glance, an old model, that I'd never seen before. Placing the amulet around my neck, I gripped and raised the gun -- a curious model, with six 'barrels' in place of the usual one. It may have been fully loaded -- but I supposed it wouldn't be the brightest idea to check.

...My eyes settle on my hands, grasping onto the gun. Colour spread throughout my fingers, bringing it from a dull grey to a light peach --

--...to what my mind was now realizing -- were normal.

And in a moment, 'He' approached me. The room, with the light removed, remained its rusted, dripping self.

Oil pooled around my feet, in a circle -- 'He' stepped forward, readied his blade.

[...You keep fighting. Despite your fate/story/script being secured -- despite your very existence being drawn/placed/muddled into question.]

...My hand gripped the handle of this revolver -- my spare hand now rising to my chest, where this amulet now lay. Warmth began to spread throughout me -- one I only recognized as 'correct,' flowing through me.

[I ask you. What gives you the right to break your role/script/self? What gives you the right to exist?]

The drill keeps moving -- it burrows further into my brain. My eyes flash to black, return -- the 'Him,' unrecognizable, his face, his body impossible to understand.

A swarming 'humanoid' mass. A coalescence of 'being,' tied only by a 'form' I could no longer perceive.

"...What gives me the right... to exist?"

...The drill, digging deeper --

--as I tried to grasp for memories, for a reasoning, I found less and less. It took hold of me, stole those 'memories,' yet --

...As the 'Him' before me stepped forward, I found my hand unconsciously grasping my amulet -- opening it up, just as my vision blacked out again --

...I found my voice.

It were humming.

A tune I couldn't place.

One so deep in my brain, that even the drill could not alter its calming, melodic tune.

With each high note, a face returned.

A coworker. A patron. A supplier.

With each low note, a time.

A creation.

Little creatures I so dearly referred to as 'Mousers.'

Even fluids -- 'medicines' I'd borne witness to.

...

With the bridge of this hummed tune, my vision returned.

And with it -- my hand, holding the revolver, raised itself slowly.

The gears beneath me, surrounding me, shuddered -- flakes of rust shooting off its surface, evaporating.

The shine of steel repaired itself -- one by one, these broken, rusted gears began to turn -- sewing itself back together with welds made as though by a miracle.

I found, in my hand, lay a small jar. 'Vick'xxx.' Something that heavily increased libido.

Facing 'him' -- me -- momentarily, I had to wonder -- 'just what could this do?'

...But the funny thing about these creations of mine were their ease of use.

And how easily I could alter the mixture -- and change how it worked.

With a toss in the air, the jar shimmered, and fell back in my hand --

This world I was in -- it wasn't real life.

It was my own mind. That pocket of 'conscious' where I now fought against this invader.

For my right to exist -- and to ignore this script.

The script, on the ground -- perhaps dropped as my mind were drilled into -- was kicked aside in a moment, an unconscious move of my leg in the effort to cement that.

The being stepped forward -- another step, then brandished the knife and dashed my way.

"...I know why I should exist."

[...And what would that be?]

In a moment, I raised my revolver. Cracking open the jar, I tossed that viscous fluid across the form of the attacker.

"Because I have things left to make. I have a job left to do -- and there are many specimens, beings in my mind, that I haven't yet put to real life."

A swarm of robots -- powered with magecraft, swarming around 'me.'

Those Mousers, holding with them the most minute amounts of oil, from the engines that once leaked -- laying them on the ground around the dashing man.

In a moment, I can see those papers I'd left behind at the Clock Tower -- the journey here, to Carcosa, to find parts for my latest, greatest creation.

I can see my coworkers, even the ones I spoke to and taught in my off time.

In a moment, the faces of each creation I'd seen and brought life to -- each little dose of magecraft, each Mystic Code I brought to existence --

--and deep in my mind, the face of a pink-haired woman who smiled ever-so-slightly, even though I couldn't even understand who she was.

"My life isn't going to be spent tormenting some man I've never even met. Least of all when my competition are beings with strength incomparable to mine."

...

"This is my life -- and I deserve to exist. I want to keep moving forward, and create what nobody before me has! If nothing else -- I have my drive, and that's good enough to me."

Lining up the pepperbox pistol, I fired one lone shot towards 'me.'

The Vick'xxx, modified with ethanol, the oils the Mousers had placed --

--the gunpowder shot struck through 'me,' through the Mask, and set him ablaze.

"...My name is Julius. No matter what awaits me if I break this script, this is my life, and nobody else's."

The blaze evaporated the man -- the gears around me, whirring, spinning at full speed, began to allow the pneumatic pistons to raise one final time.

Onwards, upwards -- the fires dwindling, leaving behind only the mask the man had, now coloured a soot black from the ashes.

[...Are you so willing to join the suffering/pain/descent of that man that you would throw away your chance to fade/die/dwindle peacefully?]

"...If that's what it means to give me freedom, then so be it."

I raised my leg up --

--and brought my foot down upon the mask.

[highwaydiamonds]

Um. Excuse me. You had cancer??

Yeah... I mean I guess I really haven't discussed it much on tumblr. I have a little bit, but only in vague ways, or rarely made veiled references in tags.

SO, get a drink, get a snack, because this is a bit of a saga, and you already know I am longwinded at the best of times. I'm going to do like Vizzini said, and go back to the beginning. I hope you're ok I'm making this public Shells, it seems easier to? And I'll put this behind a cut because I really do wax on ( and on).

It's the end of August 2018 and i appear to have gotten some kind cold/respiratory infection. I'm at work the first day of it and it feels like a cold. No big deal. (Also this is all pre-COVID so no I didn't have COVID). The next day I feel really awful, so I call off work, and figure all I need to do is rest and I'll be ok. Turns out, NOPE. The next day I feel worse- now I can tell I have a bit of a fever, my appetite was basically, " eat one baby carrot and my appetite is exhausted." Finally, I get to the point that I am having trouble lying down - as in I am becoming short of breath when I try to lie flat (sorry if I am using the wrong word - lay/lie was always a grammar issue that eluded me.) So, I decide, ok, i will be sensible girl and go get medical attention. But I am stubborn and feel the ER is overreacting, so I go to urgent care. i park in the front row of urgent car parking, but by the time I reach the intake desk I have to put my head down because I am so winded and a bit lightheaded.

They take one look at me and tell me, point blank, "we're getting a squad for you to take you to the ER." I say, " what? no, I don't need that, this is not that big a deal." They counter, " you could barely walk in the door and you you are having significant trouble breathing. We don't have the ability to see you here." So, for the first time in my life I have to go via ambulance from urgent care to a free standing ER.

I get to the ER - where they decide, OK, lady, you're a mess. Let's get some chest x-rays and we're gonna slap some IV fluids and I can't even recall if they immediately put me on IV antibiotics or not. But after two hours there they informed me, " hey.... So, we think you need to go to the hospital-hospital not the freestanding ER." I tell them well you better hand me my laptop ( I'm that bitch who takes the laptop with her juuuuust in case I am stuck in the hospital. you never know.) Because i am not going to a hospital until I figure out if they're in my health plan. I do so and then for the second time in my life, all in one night because sometimes I am an over achiever i guess, I go via ambulance to the hospital.

They admitted me and over the next few/couple/ hours ( it was hard to tell) I progressively felt worse. I had trouble breathing if I didn't sit absolutely straight up, and at that point I hadn't gotten good sleep for around 60 hours or so. Me being me I started to get teary and panicky, because I was so tired and wasn't sure what to do. I called for the nurse and she came in and then within the next half hour your girl got taken down to the ICU. By the time we arrived down in the ICU I was really getting panicky. My mom died in the ICU ( different hospital but still) and I knew the fact they took me down there was no laughing matter. I started to think about, " ok is this what death is like? this isn't what i thought it was going to be - this is panicky and scary and not all white lights and peace."

The next thing I knew - it was two days later, and I woke up intubated. Did you know that you can be conscious and intubated? I did not. I'll speed things up a bit here. I spent a total of 8 days in the ICU - I had one hell of a case of pneumonia, and there were a couple of other diagnoses thrown in ( nope, not cancer. promise, we will get there.) . The nurses I had were AMAZING. I was intubated for about 6 of those 8 days. Then I got weaned off of it. Funniest moment on the ventilator: Physical therapist comes around and says, " Hey let's get you up and walking, you think you can?" I nodded and shrugged my shoulders to try and communicate, " sure, ok!" It went totally fine, but there were nursing students, residents, other doctors and who knows who else looking out of rooms and over desks at the two of us just y'know... *walking down the hall*. I gestured to the people because it was just flipping weird. I had an audience at the exact time NOBODY wants an audience and it confused the hell out of me. PT advised me, " there aren't too many times ventilated patients are ambulatory. You're a bit of a curiosity so people want to see."

Once I got out of the ICU and was put back on a regular floor, I got to meet with other doctors re those other diagnoses I mentioned ( chronic things I just have to manage) I also mentioned that it had been a really long time since I had been to a GYN and as had been noted in the ICU I spotted quite frequently ( I have never, ever in my life been regular period-wise and it just got weirder over time, but I just didn't really consider it. So I asked while they were setting me up with new practitioners ( my previous doctor had retired) too please set me top with a gynecologist.

So I'm out of the hospital by September 10th, 2018. The gyro appointment occurs i want to say by mid- to late September. I go in and meet her and she's lovely. While I'm up on the table she says, " hey let's do all the things and get a uterine biopsy!" I say, " excellent, do the things!" We agree it's likely going to be nothing but hey we're smart people and we will play it safe. Huzzah Gyno visit accomplished! (if I were a gamer I'd make some kind of ladybits achievement unlocked now, but I'm not a gamer.)

Two or so weeks go by - or however long it takes to get those test results back (some of these spans are lost in the mists of time). Dr Boyle calls me and apologizes that the test results that she was sure would be nothing... they are not nothing. Turns out, it's endometrial cancer.

At that point you could have knocked me over with a feather. Shells, I wanted my mom to be there so badly, I can't even express it. She would have understood how I felt - she'd been there with her breast cancer. But at the same time, I was glad she wasn't there? I remember how heartsick my mom was to tell Grandmommy when Mom got cancer. I didn't want my mom to have to hear that news, to worry about that. Dr Boyle advised me that she would be referring me to a good oncologist and i should hear from them in a week or two.

Thus began MRIS and PET scans and ultrasounds, and blood work etc. The oncologist diagnosed that he figured I might be stage three, but it depended on my lymph involvement. It brought back memories of when Mom was diagnosed and when she told me she was stage three. I asked my Dad later, "what does that mean?" He told me, " there are only four stages, so what do you think?" This time around I knew what it meant. So, we put me down for surgery November 9th, 2018. That's two days before my birthday - so I joked that I was getting my cancer out for my birthday - hooray! My best friend actually flew in from texas for my surgery ( my best friend is a SAINT, and I love her more than pearls and rubies.)

Best surgery story from this experience: For my total hysterectomy (uterus and ovaries go sayonara and then also two signal lymph nodes in the chain of nodes on either side of the pelvis to se if there is any lymph complication.) I had to be tilted back - so with my head down to move as many organs away from the uterus etc during the laparoscopic procedure. I knew this going in, However, when I woke up back in my hospital room I looked at Bestie and said, " I hurt in places I didn't expect to hurt. Oh wait. My shoulders hurt because they're not used to being weight bearing, but the procedure was laproscopic - so why the heck does my vagina hurt?" Bestie in one of her best moments ever says, " I know why." I replied, " wait, YOU know why MY vagina hurts?!" She said, " yep. So your surgery was supposed to take 3-3.5 hours ended up taking 5 hours instead. Your uterus was really big. The oncologist told us they need up having to cut it in half to pull it out of you." bestie admitted she joked with the oncologist that it was like I had just birthed a baby, he looked back at her (NOT laughing) and said, " yes, that's basically what she did." I laughed so much at that ( i mean i was also well medicated, but still) I told Bestie, " I had a Uterus! Let's call it George!" ( In retrospect I am disappointed in myself that I misgendered my own uterus, I should have called it Georgina.)

So, after healing from the surgery, by about January of 2019 I started two courses (each with a few rounds) of chemo. First came what the doctors and I called "low-pro" chemo - that we did along with radiation. Honestly, though i was making a heck of a lot more bathroom trips, you wouldn't have generally known I was sick. Most of my coworkers had no idea. I just was a bit more tired than usual. After the low pro rounds - then we moved to the bigger guns. Radiation was done but I moved to more significant chemo drugs, This wasn't because things were bad - this was the plan all along :) But I knew the "high-pro" chemo was going to make me lose my hair. THAT was a psychic struggle. I cried so much knowing that was going to happen. I got hats and caps and I even got a very nice wig. I mean, I planned as much as a girl can plan when she hears that news. I even preemptively cut my long hair. It was about half way down my back at that point. So I went in and asked the stylist please braid it and put it in between two hair ties - and then cut it - so i could keep my braid. I couldn't do locks of love anyway as it was colored, and I know it's selfish, but I wanted my hair. So, the hair went from half down my back to a face framing bob. then I just waited. And then in a few weeks it happened. I could put my hands through my hair and easily, painlessly pull it out. I am not a cute bald girl. That's when people KNOW you have something going on.

I was very lucky though, there ended up NOT being lymph involvement, and even the high pro chemo didn't make me nauseous or lose appetite. I did have HORRIBLE bone pain usually the first week after chemo ( i'd get it every three weeks). I learned a hell of a lot from that. I also was able to get some meds to help alleviate it a bit, and I took time from work when the pain was at its worst. But I have never experienced pain like that - where no matter what I did - no position changes helped. Even ice packs or heat pads didn't help or do much. It was just a waiting game, a painful waiting game. Oh also - I learned that IV benadryl is nothing like oral benadryl. IV benadryl is like walking right into a brick wall made of sleep. That stuff knocked me the hell out right quick - amazing.

Right before COVID started and the world shut down I got the flu because my immune system was in the toilet- and so I spent another week in the hospital and except for the bone pain that comes with chemo, you know what is worse than chemo injections? POTASSIUM injections. Among other things, my potassium levels were low and so I got those injections with other meds. Those suckers HURT. they BURN, and so i spent a week in the hospital only to eventually come out and find out the world was starting to shut down from COVID. Not my job at that point, but my oncologist told me, " GO HOME - YOU KNOW YOU ARE IMMUNO COMPROMISED - DON'T STAY AT WORK." So, I went home until about a month after I finished chemo.

Since finishing chemo it's been about scans, which have gone ok so far... I'm not willing to talk about the R word. I just think I'll have to be careful the rest of my life - My mom always said, "once you've gotten cancer, you always have cancer." So, maybe it's the anxiety talking, but it's kind of like waiting for the other cancer shoe to drop. In the mean time though, it's business as usual - try to find good stuff in the midst of the hot mess. Cancer has been a crisis but not a reason to lose my sense of humor. I've needed it more than ever :)

So, sorry for the SERIOUSLY LONG ASS answer, but sometimes it's just better to lay it bare. I'm not ashamed of this stuff. It's been a lot. It's been a journey... It still is... it's part of the rest of my journey, which i hope isn't over by a long shot yet. I don't believe things happen for reasons - the world is WAY too absurd for that in my opinion, BUT good gravy have i been able to learn so much from this whole three ring circus. I'm not grateful for cancer, but I am grateful for the lessons.

Thanks for checking in, Shells. You're a complete sweetheart.