#but i think it would be cathartic. for me. my current self. for him to be like HEY IDIOT. GET GOOD and give her blunt force trauma

[juspeczyk]

big fan of forgiving and nurturing my younger self but there are also times i wish that i could beat her with a folding chair. for being stupid.

[firebunnylover]

My Thoughts on Orion trying to stop D-16 from the murdery stuff.

I think there’s been enough time to think over the writing choice of Orion trying to stop D-16 from killing Sentinel. Time to whack the hornet nest of internet opinions.

Now I think it’s fair to say that plenty of people have pointed out that the autobots do murder several other bots in the film and so Orion’s attempt to stop Dee from killing SP seems hypocritical. And I can certainly see why people are coming to that specific conclusion.

And plenty of us agree the death scene was cathartic.

HOWEVER.

Let’s look at Orion’s current perspective regarding Dee’s state of mind.

He has been watching his friend go down the path of unapologetic violence fast since they found out the truth. Like, alarmingly fast. And that path is quickly becoming more of a sheer drop off a cliff.

While OP, Elita and Bee were ecstatic about being able to transform, what do we see Dee laugh over?

Being able to inflict damage onto another bot.

And we can’t forget the oh-so-woobie-of-continuities Starscream, who Orion had to tell Dee not to kill when the murder canon was activated.

That isn’t the Dee Orion knew. Orion is watching Dee turn into something he doesn’t know anymore. He’s afraid of losing D-16 to whatever he’s becoming.

To Orion, keeping Dee from publicly executing Sentinel was an attempt to keep him from spiraling further.

Unfortunately, just having good intentions don’t always cut it. And he really could have said it in a better way.

But to be fair, it had been a long miserable trip for the both of them, so Orion probably wasn't able to think that out 100%.

Another point I want to make is the comparison to B-127/Bee, who had been cutting bots with his knifehands. Granted, I’m pretty sure they were just intended to be Drones/Enforcers, as they resemble Vehicons. Which, in beast wars, were intended as bots who were mass produced and mindless. Which I think Sentinel would have preferred to have as his followers. Literal mindless/sparkless soldiers to follow his every word would probably be easier to handle.

This is Steve Slander I’m so sorry.

Continuing on.

There are a few points I want to make on B-127’s treatment of the violence. First, to me, Orion didn’t seem too comfortable with how hyped Bee was getting with his new weapons, and did intervene to keep him from cutting down more Drones.

And more importantly, he stopped trashing the broadcast room when told that the bots there weren’t the enemy.

Bee managed to do some self-control. Which I think is important to keep in mind when comparing him to Dee/Megatron

One more thing to note.

Something that I have said before in an earlier post after my initial viewing of the movie.

It wasn’t the violence itself that was the ultimate act of betrayal in the end though.

It was picking violence over saving someone.

oh it hurts

Orion jumped in the cannon’s way. Probably thinking that seeing him would give Dee enough reason to stop. But there wasn’t any pause until after the trigger was pulled. @everestentertainments pointed this out in their own post

D-16 does catch the injured Orion. He could have tried to save him, even if it was futile.

But he decided to let him fall instead.

Thus finally transforming into Megatron.

Killing Sentinel wasn’t the final step to the transformation and his fall from grace. It was the first act as purely Megatron.

And don’t forget that after taking the cog, Meg’s next act is to burn everything down, taking no regard for anyone who might get caught in the crossfire. Which is a yikes.

They probably could have made those points more obvious or could have been handled better somehow, but those are my thoughts.

[soleminisanction]

So. What actually happened between Secret and Spoiler?

The meat of this story goes down in Young Justice (1998) #30.

Taking place sometime shortly after the YJ crew returns from their adventures in space with Doiby Dickles, the story proper opens with a scene of Steph trying to follow Tim home to find out his identity and getting caught to establish that tension in their current dynamic for anyone who wasn't also reading Robin at the time.

As a refresher, when they decided to date (which was a couple of publishing years back at this point, during the events leading up to No Man's Land) Tim had tried to talk Steph out of it because he couldn't tell her his secret identity and he didn't think that was fair. Steph had responded with, quote, "I don't care about any of that, Robin. I just want to be with you." But she'd recently decided she wasn't happy with that arrangement after all and had been sneaking around trying to learn his identity behind his back.

This issue is very cathartic to me because it's one of the only times she's called out for violating her boyfriend's privacy, which starts here:

Couple of things to make note of here: Greta's not attacking Steph. We'd previously seen what it looks like when she uses her billowing clouds of angry smoke to attack (against Harm and the Pointmen, for example), and that's not what's happening here, she's just really pissed off. Steph is the one who escalates the whole thing to violence with that kick.

And while there is an element of jealousy here -- Secret did follow Robin home to get a look at his girlfriend -- the thing that's set her off isn't seeing Steph with Robin, it's learning of and seeing her self-centered justifications for her plans to continue trying to violate his boundaries. Which, it should also be noted, is something that Secret could do much more easily, but chooses not to. So it probably just pisses her off even more to learn that her crush is dating someone who'd disrespect him like that.

So they take it outside.

Where Greta, despite her anger, is almost certainly holding back because... yeah, let's face it, Steph doesn't actually stand a chance in this match-up. She has no powers, she hasn't even trained with Cass at this point; I don't know where she got that grenade but she's otherwise working with like a red belt in strip mall aikido and a bunch of gear she probably bought out of the back of a magazine. Secret is a sentient hellportal, a conduit between the realms of the living and the dead. She's pissed off, but she's still mostly focused on calling Steph out with her words rather than physically harming her.

Which Steph responds to with, again, a grenade and... this:

Why yes, that sword does come out of nowhere for a single panel and then vanishes into the ether, never to be explained or mentioned again. I find that hilarious. I suspect the script just said "Spoiler cuts the power lines" and left Todd Nauck to figure out how that worked.

But uh, speaking of how that worked -- in Greta's defense for how she'll behave later on in this post, Steph just clearly tried to kill her first. Like. I assume that any grenade a Bat is carrying around isn't so high-powered that it's actually going to hurt somebody if thrown at them directly so for all my joking I'll give her a pass for that, but the power lines?

Steph, of course, has no way of knowing that electricity is Greta's weakness, let alone that it's a trauma trigger for her. But she also has no way of knowing that Greta isn't an average metahuman teenager who would just, y'know, die from being hit with several hundred to several thousand volts of electricity. Which is part of a trend in Steph's characterization -- she's always had a tendency to make rash, dangerous decisions like this and only consider the ramifications after the consequences smack her in the face.

And once again, this is Steph's escalation; Greta only lets loose after Steph tries to low-key murder her. But I did say in my previous post that she was explicitly trying not to kill Steph here, right? That's because she's not:

"Oh," she says, directly to Steph's face. "I'm not going to kill you, but you're going to wish I had!"

The issue ends with Tim giving the girls a lecture about trust that... honestly, doesn't actually make much sense, but it's only there to set up the bullshit Bruce would soon pull in Robin to wrap up the whole Steph-and-Tim's-secret-identity subplot.

Instead, I'll just take this moment to point out that these two pages are the only part that anyone besides Steph and Greta themselves actually saw: Steph, overpowered and running like bugger all while a furious Greta hunted her down. Tim and Red Tornado don't have any other context for this encounter, and anyone else hearing about it would have even less.

We should also probably address the question of whether Greta was actually trying to hurt Steph here and: no, I don't think she was. Not physically, anyway. I think when she tells Reddy that she "just wanted to scare" Steph, she was telling the truth. Which, mind you, means she was going to dump her into a terrifying hell dimension and give her a repeated taste of her own mortality. But it wouldn't have hurt her; it didn't hurt the gang when they teleported through it in issue 19. And, frankly, between this issue and the shit Steph pulls over the course of the Robin issues around this subplot... I think she deserved it.

I never said I wasn't a hater.

Now, to be fair, Steph has no way to know this. She doesn't know Greta, and she doesn't have a reason to think kindly of her. And like I mentioned, it's an important part of Greta's storyarc that her powers and her connection to death makes her friends suspicious of her, and that suspicion sadly drives her to Darksied.

Which is why I'm inclined to think that their next encounters, brief as they are, are deliberately framed. First in issue 50:

And then in issue 54, during the storyline where Secret has allied herself with Darksied:

This leads into Greta basically eating Steph for reasons that don't actually have to do with their conflict -- she's already eaten the D.E.O., ie, the people who held her prisoner, and would continue to eat, it's implied, everyone on Earth except the members of Young Justice, saving them for last as we come to climax of the story. That probably counts as "trying to kill Steph" so technically speaking Greta has tried to kill Steph once, it just wasn't the time everybody thinks about or in a jealous rage. It wasn't personal at all, she was just part of a checklist.

The important bit I wanted to focus on was Steph and Tim's descriptions of their past encounter, and the fact that Greta calls it an exaggeration. With that context, I'm inclined to think that "almost killed me in a jealous rage" is the way that Steph framed their story to other people, not necessarily because she was trying to manipulate anybody, but because that's how she, Stephanie, internalized and interpreted the event.

Because Steph, demonstrably, doesn't think she was doing anything wrong. If she wants something, like her boyfriend's secret identity, or whatever, she will come up with excuses and justifications why she should get to have it ("He's testing me! He wants me to figure it out!" etc.) and no one can change her mind. So it's inconceivable to her that this person who clearly has a crush on her boyfriend would actually be mad at her for the reason they say they're mad at her; clearly, to her, Secret was jealous, and therefore Secret must have been the aggressor. Plus, she was big and scary and Steph (to be fair) had no way of knowing that Greta was mostly just having trouble keeping her emotions under control.

And because nobody else saw what went down between them, people were more inclined to believe Steph's story over Greta's, partially because Greta was clearly the overpowering victor when Red Tornado and Robin arrived on the scene, and partially because Greta's powers mean people, even her friends, tend to be suspicious of her, which is a key point in her personal, rather tragic storyarc.

---

So, to summarize, because I know this has gotten rambly: Greta followed Steph home to investigate her and was angered by her violating Robin's privacy. Steph escalated their dispute into violence, and then further into attacks that could be perceived as lethal until she bit off more than she could chew. Robin and Red Tornado, arriving at the tail end of the fight, only saw the much more powerful Secret overwhelming normal human Spoiler and were therefore more inclined to believe Steph's version of the story which, naturally, framed her as the victim and Greta as the aggressor, when it was in actuality a more even fight fueled by anger rather than jealousy.

[glitter-stained]

Some of the posts I see here y'all gotta stop seeing fanfics as "bad dc takes". Like, it's perfectly fine to not like a trope that's popular in fanfic, but you gotta stop seeing it as character meta is what I'm saying. Fanfic writers are not canon writers, they do not owe you canon compliant, and you don't get to assume that what they're writing comes from a place of ignorance when there are so many reasons to include/not include something in your fic.

Like, allow me to use my own fics as example since they're the only one I have background info on the knowledge and motivations of the author:

-I wrote a fic with Lazarus Rage in it once. Do I know it's not canon? Absolutely. Do I think it's necessary for the understanding of Jason's character? Not at all, I think canon Jason is more interesting without the pit rage. I just wanted to write it once because it looked cathartic and you know what? It was. It was super cathartic. I wanted to write a story about the progression of a depressive episodes and using pit rage to talk about the feeling of loss of control with intense anger issues and sensation of loss and deep self-hatred afterwards, and i thought writing this is gonna feel good and it felt good, for me and for the readers.

-I'm also currently finishing another fic, in which I've simplified Tim's relationship with Jason's a lot (basically Tim is still haunted by Jason's ghost and Dick is still his favourite Robin but the victim blaming is much less intense and there's an intense, genuine admiration for Jason and happiness to get him back). Is it because I hate canon and its complexity? No, I love it, I love when character relationships are fucked up and they make a mess. I'd love to explore that in a different fic, even have the prompt already. But I'm writing a really intense fic about trauma, taboo and lack of communication around sexual abuse, and there are so many characters pov and things happening and I have to do this right because we're talking about things that happen to real people and not being accidentally insensitive or sending a shit message is more important to me than perfect canon compliance, and it's just not the place for it. This story isn't about tim, and it's not about victim-blaming. It's a fascinating can of worms to open, but I'm not gonna open it if I don't have the space to deal with it because I'm not gonna let worms roam freely all over my fanfic when I can choose not to include the worms in my story, because it might rely on base material but it's still a finite story that exists within its own scope because I'm not a comics writer, I'm a fanfic writer and my story doesn't exist as a pure extension of the comics and I don't owe you canon compliance. And how boring would that be if we could only write canon compliant stuff! No more coffee shop aus, no powers aus, fantasy aus, no more non canon ships between characters that hated eachother until the day they died (but had so much sexual tension)... Fanfic is not one single entity that takes place in a simplified version of the canon universe complete with consistent lukewarm tropes and watered down understanding of characters. Fanfics are rich and diverse and yeah canon compliant is great and i want more of it but the universe is so much wider and that's what makes it rich! Do some people write fanfic and also don't interact with or know canon? Sure, plenty of them. Does that fanfic reflect their opinion of canon? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. You don't know that. In the meantime, people are still creating extra content and enriching the fandom experience and if you don't like it, genuinely, the filter tags button is right there. That's not to say there are no racist or classist or sexist tropes in fanfics, but again that exists within the scope of that story. Bad writing exists in canon, and it exists in fanfics, and sometimes a story is canon compliant with a terrible message and sometimes a story is canon divergent with a terrible message and pushing away everyone who writes things that aren't canon compliant is not going to fix these issues in the dc fandom. Telling people to "not write the character at all if you're going to write them ooc" assumes your understanding of what is essential to the character is perfect and The Right Way to interact with a fandom and it's patronising and not only do you take the risk of looking like a moron the second you make a mistake, it is actual gatekeeping and the reason many people find getting into comics/fandom intimidating in the first place. (And it also shits on the potential of AUs like dark reflections, mafia etc. Of course Mafia Bruce who kills people is deeply ooc. These stories are still fun and it's not wrong to write them!)

"This story really should have addressed that thing that happens in canon" did it happen in the setting of the fic? No? Then shut up and let the fic tell its own story, it doesn't have to "address" anything it doesn't have space for. Again, don't like don't read is a thing. Fanfic enriches the fandom, it doesn't take away from it, but you know what can? Canon writing. I'm way more concerned with what dc is having batman represent nowadays than with fanfic I haven't read because I knew I wouldn't like it.

TLDR: It's understandable to be upset when people who don't interact with canon material at all try to assert their opinion on canon as the truth, especially if they call any attempt at disagreeing with the mischaracterization gatekeeping, but that doesn't make you immune to being a gatekeeper. Assuming you know a writer's knowledge and opinions on a character because of that one fic of them is naive and a misunderstanding of what fanfic is. Fanfic writers are still real people who give you cool stuff for free and you don't have to like it but you still have to be respectful about it, and all that negative energy you spend on rants about "bad character and" you've read in fanfics would be so much better spent on bad canon writing because these people do have the power to fuck your favourite character over and they do owe you canon compliance, and with the amount of effort some fanfic writers put into their fics compared to some of the writers who get payed to write canon, you guys could stand to be more respectful about fanfics.

[orangeocelotmartyn]

Martyn talks a bit more about the Imp and Skizz podcast (which he’ll be on June 16) including a lovely message Skizz sent him afterwards. Transcript under the cut!

Martyn: But yeah, I got a really nice message from, uh, Skizz earlier on today about the podcast. Um, he just sent a message saying, "Hey, I'm editing part one right now, just wanted to say thanks for being so incredibly authentic. This episode's gonna be well recieved as people learn about the real you, it's extremely interesting." So...yeah. 

There was a few times I gave answers and they were both kinda sat there...almost like, they almost looked somewhat surprised, or stunned, I dont know, that I was speaking so (laughs), so, I don't know, so blatantly. And I was a bit like, "ooh, is that too much?" (laughs), I was just like, "oop." 

And earlier in the podcast as well—so please forgive me when you watch it—ah, there was a few times in, uh, like, the first hour, where I kept kinda like, chipping in, or chiming in, and kinda like, speaking over them? And it wasn't intentional, it was more—there was a very slight delay on the, um, on the feed between the two of us—and also as well, sometimes, like, their sentence, or what they were saying, felt like the tone of their voice was like indicating the end of their statement, but then they would say something else, and I'd be like, "oop-ah-I'm so—sorry, sorry." (laughs)

So yeah, that, that happened a little bit. But that's not just me completely ignoring their saying, it was just me, um, navigating—like, learning how they speak, as well as—y'know, the lag as well.

"Got a long plane ride coming up so it sounds interesting," yeah—the thing—the thing that I said to them as well, I said like, I think the reason I did speak openly and honestly about it is, one, because of my recent therapy, but also because I find those two incredibly authentic. Like, you know, Impulse is very open, about talking about, like, how much he second guesses himself, and things like that, and then Skizz is—you know—very much like, I think Skizz is kinda like the person I've become, or am becoming, where it's—there's a lot of, kinda, self love, and kinda unapologeticness with stuff like that. 

Um, so I think speaking to both of them meant that I felt as though I'm literally in a limbo between their two personality types which is why it felt so easy to speak about those things, is because I feel though they've both experienced it, or are currently experiencing those things. Um, and I was saying to them, like, whenever I watch their podcast and they talk about stuff—like, they do a lot of, kinda like, sorta like pushing for people to help themselves kinda thing. But I was saying to them that, like, it always genuinely feels really authentic, and doesn't feel...it doesn't feel preachy, or—they're not trying to shift some course, or some pyramid scheme thing, its—they've just both got some good life experience behind them and they've had time to learn lessons and stuff, and I was just like, yeah, like, this feels like a space where they will-they will pick up what I put down, y'know what I mean.

Um, it was really good. I said to them towards the end I was like, this was like—I think is it the word cathartic? I think I said that, I dunno if that's the right word, but for me I was like, oh that felt really good. That felt great for me.

[aihoshiino]

If Ai had lived, what kind of parent do you think she would have been to teenage Aqua and Ruby?

luckily for you anon, I have spent a truly healthy [<- lie] amount of time thinking about this!!! This is going to inevitably dip into how Ruby and Aqua are both changed by having her in their lives just because that obviously matters to how she and the twins interact but... honestly at this point if you're following me, my bi-weekly unhinged essays about the Hoshinos are what you're here for.

Also worth noting before I get into it that I'm purposely not thinking too hard about Current Things in the manga like the documentary Gotanda was working on or the DVDs........ we know so little about them I can't really factor them into my rambles here lol so consider this just my most ideal happy end AU for the Hoshinos.

Anyway, I think it goes without saying that Ai would continue being an excellent mom to Aqua and Ruby. There would likely be some bumps in the road following B-Komachi's dome performance as her fame and increased demand puts pressure on her time and energy but Ai's priority is and will always be her babies so I can definitely see her and Miyako having a Stern Talk with Ichigo at some point to make sure Ai isn't overbooked to the extent that she can't spend time with them lol.

I also have a totally self indulgent AU based on Emiya Gohan that lives in my head, based around the framing device of Ai wanting to learn how to cook so she can make proper food for the twins as they grow up... my read of Ai is that she has a lot of issues relating to food security as a result of the abuse & neglect she went through, so being able to make good food for her own children and sort of rewrite her own relationship with food and cooking would be really healing for her.

Something also interesting to consider is the question of whether Ai would have been able to work through enough of her baggage regarding expressing her love to Aqua and Ruby... it takes such a desperate a raw moment for her to finally conquer that fear in canon that it's hard for me to imagine it happening in anything less than an equally cathartic moment, you know? At the same time, I really love the idea of Ai's slow progress towards healing eventually allowing her to do it without that kind of urgent pressure... instead of dying, Ai lives so hard she can eventually overcome that fear by her own strength!!!

I also think there would be a lot more moments like Ai and Ruby's dance with both of the twins – moments of Ai helping them both to untangle the trauma and baggage they carry from their past lives just through the simple act of loving and supporting them as their mother. Both Ruby and Aqua are explicitly described as being children "who never had a mother in the real sense" before their rebirth – for Sarina, she suffered the emotional abuse and neglect of living with a toxic mother who centered and prioritized her own feelings of grief and pain to such a degree that she completely abandoned her dying daughter. For Gorou, he grew up in the shadow of his mother's death as a result of childbirth complications, blaming himself and carrying the burden of his grandparents' grief and expectations in ways that are implied to have strained his relationships with them and left him without a real mother in his life.

Not only is this a healing experience for the twins, it's also ugely cathartic for Ai, too. As I've mentioned before, Ruby's "it's okay for me to dance!" scene with Ai is soooo incredibly powerful because it's about these two victims of toxic motherhood finding safety, healing and empowerment in the wholly loving and supportive parent/child relationship they build together. In general, the Hoshino family is a safe place where these three people who suffered abuse, neglect and the absence of loving mothers could find a place to heal and be loved.

Because of this, while I don't think that Aqua and Ruby would be hugely different on the surface going into their teens, a ton of stuff under the hood would be massively impacted. I like to think that growing up with Ai as a positive influence in their lives would have allowed them to essentially lay Gorou and Sarina to rest much sooner than in canon – not to forget or erase those memories, necessarily, but to definitively move on as their own people, having purified Gorou and Sarina's lingering regrets and trauma and being able to wholeheartedly embrace their new happiness as Aqua and Ruby.

This also means that they both have a much healthier relationship with Ai, in a lot of ways. I don't think they'll ever stop putting her on a bit of a pedestal but more in the way that a lot of people do if they grow up with a loving and good mom. On that note, I also like to think that with Gorou's weird baggage not causing such a conflict that Aqua might actually start calling Ai "mom"....... it makes me so depresso that he never did.....!!!

Without the weight of Ai's death hanging over them and her full and loving support at their backs, Aqua and Ruby still find their way into the entertainment industry, though for different reasons. Without his guilt getting in the way of doing things he enjoys, Aqua can admit to himself that he enjoys acting and tentatively pursues it through his childhood as the protégé of Gotanda again but in happier circumstances. He has similar initial hurdles as he does in canon wrt comparing himself negatively to Ai and underselling his strengths, but Ai would have a good talk with him about valuing what he brings to the table and not worrying about matching up to anyone else. Eventually, he becomes pretty focused on like, weirdo ass self produced projects he does a lot of the work on (acting, directing and producing) that don't make a huge splash in the mainstream necessarily but are well beloved in niche and horror circles and Aqua's happy with his work entirely because it's his and he's happy to make it, which is most important.

Ruby follows a similar track as she does in canon with becoming a member of the second generation of B Komachi, still driven by love and admiration for her mom but from a much healthier and happier place. Rather than feeling like she has to live up to Ai's image in her absence, she is inspired by Ai's presence in her life, her active support and encouragement and her boundless love and excitement to see her kids do what makes them happy. The canonical B-Komachi gen 2 still come together in mostly the same ways because I love them too much to separate them but this time, they're directly mentored by Ai and go full force through the industry with her support.

Eventually, I do think the three of them go public about their family - probably around the time the twins have graduated from high school, just to properly allow them the chance to be relatively normal kids without the scandal and pressure of being Ai's children hanging over their heads. It definitely causes a bit of an explosion, but I think by then Ai would have successfully transitioned from being purely an idol and would be more of a general household name/celeb, so there isn't as much outcry, but it definitely still stirs up some trouble that she and the kids have to weather.

At the end of the day, though, her presence in their lives would be a huge boon to them and it results in all three of the Hoshinos being much happier and healthier people. This response uh got a way from me a little and turned into like a whole AU pitch but what are we here for if not to delulu ourselves about scenarios where the Hoshinos could be happy..............

[moreespressoformydepresso]

Hardest and favourite scene to write in the losing battle we won't stop fighting

Hardest: the scene I’m currently working on for the chapter after next chapter, which I don’t wanna spoil too hard… second place I can actually say would beeeee the actual arena bombing scene and the two funeral chapters, because I only had a few things I knew had to happen but I didn’t really have strong ideas for everything around it.

My favorite scene is impossible to pick omg uhmmmm I’d say probably Vipsania and Treech’s last interaction because I love how casually Treech misinterprets it. I love all the implications for his character because he considers Vipsania his friend and is very nice to her, despite fully believing she does not care one bit about him. He genuinely thinks she’s only doing it for herself and his self esteem is so down in the dumps that he doesn’t even really consider it as anything significant. It’s a shared first place with the scene of Treech initially refusing Coral’s offer, the Bejeweled Behemoth song and the Hanging Tree bits. The first one was satisfying, the second was funny and cathartic, and the Hanging Tree feels a lot more fitting to me like this. It’s a grieving song now, a rebellious act simply because it’s a remembrance. Treech sang it initially to work out his feelings about the dead tributes, and it slowly transforms into a song for Lamina. Over the course of the following chapters that transformation will become more clear because it starts as him coping with his experiences and feelings the only way he knows how to: via art. But it will become a way for him to connect with Lamina and comfort her, as he relays the way he sees everything and basically asks her whether she’ll meet him in their spot so they can be together despite everything that’s happening around them. From the tree in 7 to the beams in the arena.

Honorable mention to the scene where Pup finally realizes he’s actually a horrible person for how he’s treated Treech and he totally does deserve the way Lamina is 100% planning to kick his ass into his next lifetime for it after she found out in the last posted chapter.

[illneverrecover]

make it right - epilogue | kth & knj (M)

➛pairing: Kim Taehyung x reader  ft. Kim Namjoon x reader ➛summary: He had offered to be there with you when you read it, which you had considered. He has always been supportive of you and your emotions, and you knew you could rely on him to be your rock through this, too, should you need it. But there was a little piece of you that felt it was important to be willing to face this alone; willing to face the consequences and fallout of your actions without the crutch of your current love.  ➛genre: starting out musician!AU, smut, angst. SMANGST. ➛word count: 5327 ➛rating: explicit/mature ➛warnings: mentions of previous infidelity, mentions of mature situations, a lot of talk about healing and self reflection, also about self growth, cursing, previous installments contain smut.  ➛notes: Well this was a long, long time coming. If you’ve stuck around this long - I appreciate you more than you will know!  Many apologies for the wait, but damn, was life being a bitch for a hot minute. This was very cathartic for me to write for many reasons, and I hope you enjoy! Just to be clear, this series isn’t here to romanticize infidelity, or make light of it -- but instead show how things aren’t always so black and white in real life. In reality, there are numerous, messy shades of grey, and things can become complicated very easily. This is barely edited and completely unbeta’ed, as I’m trying to be more authentic and less of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing as a personal goal in 2023. It’s been holding me back for far too long, and I’ve missed being creative. Be gentle, and let me know what you think! (P.S. - if you pick up on the TS reference, pls know I’m giving you a forehead kiss)  ➛song: everythinggoes (with Nell) - RM, NELL & Girl of My Dreams (with SUGA) - Juice WRLD, SUGA, BTS  ➛tagging: @jimins-ass-eater, @thatlongspringnight​ ➛Chapter 1 ➛ Chapter 2  ➛ Chapter 3

Everything, everything, everything goes 

Time passes. Despite change, despite everything moving and falling apart and rebuilding again, time always passes. It is unavoidable, it is necessary. It is healing simply in its existence.  

Namjoon sees that now more than anything. 

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year – a year since you walked out, since everything changed. Since his actions and inactions had finally caught up to him, and so had the consequences. 

He wanted to blame you. It would be easier to do so, he thought in the beginning, considering how everything fell apart. But it wouldn’t be honest, and it wouldn’t make him feel any better. He thought himself a good man, after all, and good men accept the fallout from their misdeeds. They dig deep and do some introspection and maybe see a therapist, and they try to be better.

He wanted to be better. 

It wasn’t easy. Looking into the depths of his mind and soul and inspecting his worst flaws is a raw, painful thing at any time, but especially after what had happened. He meditated more, channeled his feelings into his writing in the studio, and continued to work on himself. His relationship with the new producer, Mina, continued to blossom, but this time without the tainting of his indiscretions, without the shame and guilt. Namjoon found what grew between them was more beautiful this way; tending to the soil and ensuring proper watering allowed him to be his sincere, natural self, giving way to a love that came easy. 

It was hard when Yoongi left the studio, though Namjoon would be lying if he said he didn’t see it coming. It was on good terms, thanks to both of them being pragmatic despite their friendship, but it still stung. Another consequence to his transgressions, another person affected by his shortcomings. Yoongi had told him he was thinking of opening his own studio for a while, but Namjoon was almost positive the incident (and the aftermath) is what accelerated his timeline and had him leaving a few months later. 

Taehyung’s resignation had been less surprising, though equally professional. He offered to finish out his contract or to leave immediately – not wanting to leave the studio hanging, but also knowing the position this was putting Namjoon in. Namjoon could appreciate the gesture, even through the betrayal, and allowed the younger man to finish up some tracks and part ways amicably. It wasn’t long before Taehyung’s name was being released as Yoongi’s first talent, and though it felt like someone had punched him in the chest, Namjoon couldn’t help but be proud. 

He would always support them, even if they didn’t know it.

He poured himself into his work,  into his music. His first passion, his first love. She always welcomed him with warm arms, always gave him confidence and solitude to work through whatever melodies and cacophonies were clouding his mind. And as he worked through self reflection and discovery, she was there to help him work through the tougher emotions, the painful feelings, until he had a full fledged album. A raw and new piece of his soul, ready to share with the world, whenever Namjoon was ready to be vulnerable. 

So much had changed in a year. He isn’t sure if this present version of himself would even recognize the Namjoon from before, the person that he was. But he knows he wants to continue to impress that version of himself, and make him proud. 

He was ready to share his music — and himself — with the world,  but before he could, he needed to do one last thing. 

Taehyung wasn’t sure why Namjoon had wanted to see him.

His mind began racing the minute he received the text, saw the name that he hadn’t had the guts to ever delete or block from his phone. It had been almost a year since he had last been in communication with the man, when he had put in his notice at the studio.

So much had changed in a year. He had signed with Yoongi, worked extremely hard in the new studio,  and was making music he was really, really proud of. And to top it all off, he was doing it with you by his side, out in the open, for the world to see. No longer having to hide his love was one of the best things to ever happen to Taehyung, and he’d never tire of basking you in it. 

But Namjoon had asked to meet for coffee, and Taehyung couldn’t think of a reason to say no. If anything, he felt like he owed his old friend - his hyung, his brother - the time and space to say whatever it was he wanted to him. It was the least he could do, considering. 

Taehyung doesn’t regret loving you, but the guilt still gnaws at him from time to time over how things went down with Namjoon. It was you who would always reassure him that if anyone was to blame, it was you, and would help him work through his feelings. 

He had thought about reaching out to Namjoon in the months following the aftermath – to apologize, to explain where he was coming from, how genuine his feelings were for you, that he never meant to hurt him – but realized that this would only be to assuage his own shame and guilt, not because it would be anything that Namjoon actually needed to hear. That didn’t seem fair to put on him, after everything else, and so he vowed to keep his apologies to his journal for the time being. Resolved that if Namjoon wanted closure, he would let him know. 

Taehyung  hopes that’s what this meeting is about, if he’s being honest with himself. He has run this scenario through his head a million times, and out of all the conclusions he could reach, it would be the ideal one. Certainly, Namjoon would have every right to ask him to meet up if only to have a chance to give him a solid sucker punch in the face, and Taehyung wouldn’t be able to fault him for that. 

But despite knowing that things will never be the same, he would at least like for there to be peace between the two of them, for your sake if nothing else.

The coffee shop is spacious, well lit by the copious windows adorning the front of the building, and fairly quiet, considering its size. Mismatched plush couches and chairs decorated the room alongside coffee tables of varying shapes and forms, surrounded by walls lined with bookshelves stuffed to the brim. It is a very Namjoon place to pick, Taehyung thinks, deciding to peruse the menu and order before searching for his friend. 

He finds Namjoon in a back corner, tucked in an alcove that is built into the bookshelves, the only booth in the entire shop. He has one hand cupped around a mug of hot liquid, the other scrolling his phone, not seeing Taehyung approach.

Taking a deep breath, Taehyung slides himself into the booth opposite him. 

“Hey,”

Namjoon’s eyes flick up, surprise on his face quickly melting into a familiar grin. “Hey, Taehyung. How are you? You look well,”

Taehyung lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, his shoulders relaxing at the elder’s tone. “Yeah, I’m good, I’m doing well. How about you? You look great,” he compliments, realizing that he means it. Namjoon has more life and color in his face than Taehyung remembered seeing in years, a new softness in his eyes that makes him seem lighter, more free. “You look happy.”

“Thank you, I’m getting there,” Namjoon chuckles, a shy smile on his face. “It’s been a lot of work, but it’s been worth it.”

For a moment, they just smile and nod at each other, a comfortable and familiar silence stretching between them. There’s  so much that Taehyung wants to ask, that he wants to say, but he follows Namjoon’s lead, instead sipping on his hot chocolate while he waits for the other man to speak.

“So, there’s some things that I need to say to you. And it might be a lot, and I’ll probably talk for a stupid amount of time, but I’m asking for you to listen ‘til the end, if you could,” Namjoon pauses then, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he winces. “If it’s too much, or if you don’t have the time for this, then I understand completely, but–”

“No, of course I have time, it’s okay. I want to hear what you have to say.” Taehyung reassures, giving him a nod. “Whatever you need.”

Namjoon smiles, taking a deep breath. 

“When I first met Y/N, she was… the brightest light,” he looks down at his drink, face softening. “So bright that she drew everyone to her like moths to flame. I was so drawn to her, so attracted to her light. That first night at the karaoke bar, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. She was shining so bright, and everyone was watching. I normally wouldn’t approach someone in a bar, but it was like I couldn’t help myself. I knew I’d kick myself if I didn’t go over, or if someone else did first, so I finally went up to her. Told her some corny joke, and she laughed hysterically.” He laughs to himself, and Taehyung smiles. That sounds like the you he knows, too. “And the moment she laughed, I was instantly hooked. I asked for her number, about floating out of that bar when she kissed me. We became inseparable. Spent all of our time together, and the rest happened quickly. I’m sure you know how she is – it’s so easy to get wrapped up in her warmth, her fire.”

Taehyung dips his chin, his lips curling  into a smirk against his volition. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” 

Namjoon’s jaw flexes at those words, otherwise he seems to have no reaction, swallowing before he continues. 

“After she moved in, things were good – comfortable, a little predictable, but good. I felt safe and confident,  knowing that she was always there, always around when I needed a bit of that light. And eventually, that comfort became complacency.” Namjoon shakes his head, drawing another breath. “I started taking advantage of the fact that she would be there when I needed. I got wrapped up in my music, and instead of trying to bring her into that with me, or share that piece of myself, I shut her out. Told myself she wouldn’t understand. Convinced myself that it would be okay once my hard work paid off and she could see the final product. But looking back, it was all excuses to be selfish and to do whatever I wanted, knowing that she loved me enough to put up with it.” 

“I’m not proud of myself for that. There’s thousands, millions of different ways that you can kill the person you love. The slowest way is not loving them enough, not giving them enough of your time – but not having the strength to let them go. She tried talking to me, telling me what she needed from me, begging me to spend time with her, and instead of being strong enough to let her go, I kept making promises I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep. It was fucked up, what I did. I just- I wasn’t ready to lose that fire,”

Taehyung didn’t trust his voice, so instead he nods, easily empathizing with the older man. He intimately knows that fire that Namjoon spoke of, understood its siren call, the unbelievable warmth it is to be loved by you. But at the same time, he realizes how much Namjoon’s admission gets under his skin – knowing that you were in that much pain, remembering seeing you suffer, watching you fall apart and try to hide it from everyone – it angers him, hearing Namjoon own to the fact that he knew he was hurting you, but didn’t walk away.

He must not be schooling  his face as well as he thinks,  because Namjoon sighs as he rubs his face with his hand. “I get it. Trust me, I know it wasn’t okay. But when you’ve been in the dark for so long, finding someone like Y/N – you want to be loved by her, want just a piece of that for yourself. I’m not justifying my actions, but hopefully explaining where my mind was at the time,” he continues, taking a sip of his drink. “I was already not being the man she needed, already not meeting her expectations. And when Mina started at the studio, and started helping me with some of the tracks… I hate to say it, but it was easy to let myself get distracted. I was so wrapped up in myself and what was going on with me, I didn’t see just how far away she had slipped - not only emotionally, but physically, intimately. It seemed like it went from incessant texts about when I was coming home, begging to spend time with me, to… nothing at all. She went radio silent, started going out of the house more, started hanging around you guys more.  I remember thinking to myself, ‘Well at least it seems like she’s found something to entertain herself, now she won’t always worry about me’. How clueless could I be? So fucking stupid, and selfish.” 

Namjoon gives the younger man a moment to process his words before he continues. “After everything went down, I… I’m not proud of this, but I got drunk one night, and I kinda begged some information off of Jimin,” Namjoon winces again, casting his eyes down. “It’s not Jimin’s fault, I think he honestly just felt bad for me, so please don’t be upset with him. He really didn’t tell me much, but he confirmed that… the two of you,” he gestures with his hands towards Taehyung, “ started… being together on her birthday.”

Taehyung feels his heart drop in his chest, his pulse racing at the admission, unsure of why the fact that Namjoon now knew this piece of information makes him feel a bit more ashamed. 

“Which means, it started way after she had ‘the talk’ with me,  way after she began to pull away and I just let her go – hell, encouraged it, even.  When she showed up at the apartment the day I found out, Y/N kept telling me it didn’t matter what happened, or who’s fault it was… that we had both done hurtful things and it was time to move on. And I think even with her saying that, even as she was breaking things off with me, she was still trying to protect me in a way. Still trying to shoulder all of the blame, especially because of the affair. But the truth is, I don’t blame her for any of it. I blame myself.”

He meets Taehyung’s gaze straight on. “I may not have physically cheated, and sure, she may have been the first to step out, but what choice did I leave her? I abandoned her long before she got together with you. I don’t know when or how it happened, but I woke up one day and I stopped choosing her, and started only choosing myself. And the worst part is, she fought to try and fix things between us, and it was like I had blinders on.  I still couldn’t stop choosing myself. I was so damn cocky, so sure of myself…” He swallows thickly. “She still fought, still chose me over and over, so it never crossed my mind that she would cheat. But honestly, I don’t blame her. She wasn’t being taken care of the way she should, the way she deserved.”

Taehyung is surprised to see tears welling in Namjoon’s eyes; the sheer amount of emotion he is willing to share in front of him shocking overall. Namjoon always keeps things so close to the chest.

“And then you swooped in and saved the day,” Namjoon continues, giving the younger man a wry grin. “Again, I get it. I can understand why you were drawn to her, why you were drawn to each other. I was mad, at first. Jealous mostly, if I was being honest with myself, but that’s because I’ve always been a bit possessive. But the more I sat with my thoughts, the more I realized that I was… relieved. Relieved to know that she had someone during that time, that she was being taken care of in all the ways that I failed to. Relieved to know that it was with someone that I know and trust to truly have her best interest at heart. That if it was anyone, it was you.”

Now it’s Taehyung’s turn to have his smile turn watery and soft. “Namjoon, I-”

“No, you promised to let me finish, remember?”

He doesn’t wait for confirmation before speaking again. “I know it sounds crazy, but that's why I asked you to come here. I wanted..” he trails away, hands fidgeting in his lap until his eyes snap to Taehyung. “I wanted to thank you, for taking care of her, for loving her. The way she should be… the way I couldn’t.” He doesn’t hide his tears this time, instead letting one trail down his cheek. “And if it’s alright with you, I have basically written down what we spoke about today, and I would like to give this letter to her - along with the offer of a meet up, if she’d like. Before the album comes out.” 

That gets Taehyung’s attention. “What do you mean? Is there something she should be worried about, or-?”

“N-No! No, not at all, nothing like that,” Namjoon waves off the concern with a hand. “But there are some emotional songs that I worked on after the break up, and it feels like the right thing to do would be to give her the chance to hear them first, before everyone else.”

There is nothing that comes  to Taehyung’s mind that would be a good argument against that - Namjoon is right, it is the courteous thing to do, to allow her the privacy of that moment before the rest of the world had a chance to dissect it into a million pieces. 

“And I didn’t want to reach out without talking to you first, out of respect for you both. It didn’t feel right approaching her directly… again, I want to give her time to process, you know?” 

Taehyung nods in agreement, appreciating the foresight. “Thank you for that, I think that will mean a lot to her.” 

“So you’ll give it to her? The letter?”

There is a part of Taehyung that didn’t want to, if he was being honest, didn’t know if it’s worth reopening the old wounds that you had worked so hard to close. That chapter of your life was something you worked hard to move past, and though you made it clear you wished Namjoon well, you hadn’t asked to meet up with him in the year since the split. There really hasn’t been a need to, once you got your things out of the apartment and moved into Taehyung’s place. 

But if he makes that choice for you, would it be any better than what Namjoon had done? Would he be any better? 

“Of course. I can’t promise she’ll want to meet, but – I’ll give it to her, I promise.” 

Relief sags Namjoon’s shoulders, and he lowers his head in gratitude. “Thank you, that’s all I ask. And thank you again, for meeting with me today. I promise my only intention here is closure, and respect.” 

“Does that mean I’m allowed to say something now?”

“Taehyung, you really don’t have to, there isn’t anything to say–”

“Just let me get this off my chest, please,” Taehyung begs, a hint of desperation in his gaze. “I know this probably doesn’t mean much, and I completely understand why… but for the record, I am so sorry that I hurt you. I wish it hadn’t come to that.” 

“Come on, Tae, like I said-”

“Let me finish.” Taehyung raises his voice slightly, just enough that Namjoon knows he’s serious. “I sincerely mean that. I don’t regret being with Y/N, and I won’t pretend to. I really do love her, and your words and… approval,” he chokes on the word, as if the marvel of it isn’t lost on him, “mean more to me than I think you can understand. But I really hate that you were hurt in the process, regardless of what was going on at the time.”

Namjoon waits, taking another sip of his drink to ensure Taehyung is finished before speaking again. 

“Apology accepted. I appreciate you saying that, really. But I mean… what would you have done differently? No matter what choices were made, the outcome was inevitable. She was never going to tolerate my shit forever, and it was the catalyst. Considering I wasn’t exactly innocent in my behaviors, either, I get it. It wasn’t okay, what any of us did, but I get it.” 

The world is never as black and white as we would like it to be, never as quickly and neatly explained as the human brain would prefer. There are many shades of the foggy grays and dark misty blacks and every level of fading ink in between, a messy cacophony of varying gradients. If anyone can understand that, it’s Taehyung. 

“That’s probably the best way to put it. It wasn’t okay, but I get it. What you did, what we all did. But I do think people are capable of change, if they truly want it. And it sounds like you’ve come a long way,” Taehyung gives a wide grin then, feeling the lightest he has in a long time. “ I wish you nothing but luck and success in your journey - both with your love life and with your music. I genuinely mean that, Joon. We’ll always be rooting for you.” 

Namjoon matches the younger man's carefree smile, any remaining tension easing away from his posture. “Thanks, bro. I’m always rooting for you guys, too. All of you - Yoongi included. If you ever need anything, even just some ears or a hype man, I’m here.”

More pleasantries and gratitudes are exchanged before Namjoon is standing, pulling Taehyung into a quick embrace before gearing up to  leave the coffee shop, holding up a buzzing phone in explanation. “Sorry, I gotta take this - thanks again!”

Everything changes, and everything stays the same.

You aren’t sure how long you stare at the letter before you decide to open it. It must be a few hours at least, because Taehyung had given it to you in the bright light of early afternoon, and now the sky was turning faded pinks and oranges, sun ready to rest for the day. 

He had offered to be there with you when you read it, which you had considered. He has always been supportive of you and your emotions, and you knew you could rely on him to be your rock through this, too, should you need it. 

But there was a little piece of you that felt it was important to be willing to face this alone; willing to face the consequences and fallout of your actions without the crutch of your current love. 

Your friends had rallied around you after the initial fallout, surprisingly, and though you weren’t sure you had deserved that, you certainly appreciated them for it. They gave you the confidence to keep moving forward, to battle with your demons, and you would always be grateful to them for showing up in your time of need. 

You are stronger now, more healed than you were when you had last seen Namjoon a year ago. Not fully healed, because healing isn’t linear, but you are working on it and yourself. An excellent therapist had been the start of the self love journey, and it was with her help that you were able to confront some difficult truths and soothe old wounds, feeling more secure in your skin than you had in years. 

You had even started working on your music again, though you could say that was Yoongi’s fault if anything, since he kept saying he was tired of you lounging around his studio for free. He had practically shoved you into the booth one day, asking for you to warm up and lay a raw track for some backing vocals to earn your keep, and you had complied easily. It wasn’t the worst thing he could have you doing there, and it soothed you to be able to work with music, even in a small capacity.

And Taehyung.

Taehyung had been amazing through it all;  your grounding peace during the storm, your home in the form of a person. His devotion and endless understanding and love was more than you could dream of, more than you ever thought you would know, and you can’t help but to feel like the luckiest person in the world to get to experience it.

Picking up the letter, you take a deep breath, centering yourself before folding it open, eyes quickly scanning the words awaiting you. 

He wasn’t mad, wasn’t angry. Instead, he was apologizing, giving explanations for his actions while telling you  not to blame yourself, offering to meet up to talk things out if you’d like. Or if you didn’t want to talk, to at least get a copy of his new album so that you could listen to it before it dropped, since there were some personal songs included that he thought you may want to hear in private.

Overall, it was a short note; but kind, considerate. A softer side of the Namjoon you used to remember, from the early days. 

You didn’t need to think about how you wanted to proceed, instead picking up your phone and sending a text to your ex-fiancé.

It had been you that insisted on meeting some place outside, wanting to keep the encounter quick and pleasant. You weren’t sure how he was going to reply to your text letting him know that you were willing to meet for the album, but not to talk, but in standard Namjoon style, he didn’t seem bothered. Taehyung told you he supported your decision no matter what, which you knew would be his response, but you truly didn’t feel the need to continue to hash this out. You had both apologized and moved on, and the past was in the past. 

You certainly appreciate his dedication to his own healing, and can empathize with the need of writing a letter for closure, but that was enough for you. You didn’t need anything else in order to forgive him. 

You had forgiven him long ago. 

You and Taehyung made plans to listen to the album together, knowing that you would want his warmth and comfort both physically and emotionally during, and you let that thought comfort you as you walk towards the meeting point, eyes scanning the park for the taller man. 

A tap on your shoulder has you turning, peering up at a dimpled grin. 

“Hey,”

You give him a shy smile. “Hi, Joon.”

He has a small manila envelope in his hands, your name scrolled in black sharpie on the front, and his fingers tap against the material a few times before he thrusts it towards you. 

“Well, here it is. It’s a USB, but it has all the songs plus the album concept art. I hope you like it, but uh, even if you don’t, I thought it was only right to let you hear it before everyone else does.”

His awkwardness makes you want to giggle, but you stifle the urge, not wanting to make him feel self conscious. Taking the parcel from his hands, you slide it in your bag before glancing back up at him. “Thank you, I really appreciate that. I’m sure I will like it. Your music has always been amazing.”

The tips of Namjoon’s ears start to redden, and he scoffs bashfully. “Ahh, you gotta warn me before you say nice things to me, I’m not prepared.”

You laugh then, his deeper chuckle joining in after a few moments, and it felt good to laugh so carefree with him again. Something you didn’t think you would ever have the chance to do. 

“Well, it was good to see you, Joon. Thanks for this,” you tap your bag twice, “I’m excited to listen.” 

“Thanks. It was good to see you as well, you look great. Really h-happy,” Namjoon stutters over his words, the sentiment rushing out, “It’s what you deserve - to be happy.”

Your heart squeezes in your chest, a piece of your soul healed by the words you didn’t know you needed to hear out loud. 

“I am really happy,” you confirm, unable to hide your smile. “Like, almost disgustingly happy, it’s pretty annoying.” 

You laugh, but this time he doesn’t join you.

“Good.”

And before you can think of how to reply, he’s gone, faded back into the bustle of the crowd like he was never there.

Taehyung already has your favorite wine opened by the time you arrive home, a glass placed in your hand once you walk through the door. He’s all easy smiles, nonchalant as he asks about the meeting, steadfast and attentive as he listens while putting the finishing touches on dinner. 

He’s made one of your comfort meals, and you spoon it into bowls before carrying them into his office-slash-studio, cozying up on his lounger before putting the thumb drive into the computer. He queues it up, sliding the mouse closer to his reach as he settles beside you, pulling a blanket to cover your laps. 

You hand him his bowl, and he pulls you in for a kiss. It’s quick, but there’s heat underneath the gentle pressure of his mouth. 

“Are you ready?”

You look into his warm gaze, the affection evident in the soft way he drinks you in. He has one hand cupped around his bowl, the other on your thigh under the blanket, giving reassuring squeezes as the silence ebbs on. 

It’s not that you were afraid of what you would hear, or that you thought Namjoon would do anything to hurt you. But you know hearing your previous relationship's downfall from his point of view could bring up some lingering pain, and you wanted to be able to process and work through it so you could continue to heal.

It’s what he deserved, what you all deserved.

The old version of you wouldn’t be able to handle this, certainly not next to someone like Taehyung. Wouldn’t be able to bear the vulnerability, or having a witness to the potential flood of emotions that could come at any moment. But over this past year, you’ve learned that you are worthy of a love that makes you feel safe enough to be your authentic self - and in turn to allow your true self to be loved. 

You knew that you were safe, here under the blanket on the loveseat in Taehyung’s cozy little studio, next to the man you love. 

“I’m ready.” 

Just like the night leaves and the morning comes The spring leaves and summer comes, but Just like the flowers and summer sunshine Everything must be hurt Breathe the world The air in my lungs is full of cold air I want to run away From long hours of pain and dullness

 Everyday I pray (everyday I pray) That I may become a slightly better adult And everyday I stay (everyday I stay) People die with their pain one day We can not be eternity in dream Words like "Cheer up" can not be real Instead of plausible words It hope it goes like a wind (Everything, everything, everything goes Everything everything else goes)

[staceymcgillicuddy]

annual writing self-evaluation

Thanks to @astorytotellyourfriends for the tag - I didn't do this last year!

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

If She Lived in Space, Man, I'd Build A Plane crimson & clover pulling overtime model citizen; zero discipline what you give just serves me right two jack trippers and a chrissy perception check all my kinktober fills a hollow tree

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Gosh, that's hard. I'm proud of all of them for different reasons, and I have issues with all of them for different reasons. I guess I would say "what you give just serves me right" makes me happy, and was something I had to push myself to do, but I was pleased with how it turned out in the end.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I hate that I have two fics out that I haven't updated in ages! I am not proud of that! And there are a few things in all of them that I'd tweak.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Oh golly. Alright, from a hollow tree, which was my Halloween fic featuring Lilith!succubus!Chrissy:

Fog slips into the van when he opens the door. A mist so thick it’s disorienting as he drops to the ground, and the shape of a girl forms itself out of the gloom.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

Almost every single regular commenter on Soul makes my heart sing and my panties drop, and I'm so sorry my brain is being stupid right now.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Right goddamn now. It's like squeezing blood from a fucking stone, and I have no idea why, but everything comes out strained and blechy and I hate it, and I refuse to inflict it on anyone else so I'll just sit like a lump, churning out crap and never showing it to anyone.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

Genuinely did not think that I would get so into the Hopper/Chrissy/Eddie dynamic as I did when I wrote it as a crackship as part of kinktober. But, like, I could get DOWN with that shit.

Also, Hellcheerington surprised me. Oh, and writing Eddie's dad for Soul was weirdly cathartic? I was determined to make him a person and not a collection of cliches, which was easier said than done. I think I got there, in the end. Hope so, anyway!

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I didn't, I fucking regressed. Or, no, not really. I pushed myself a bit, tried to get sharper and cleaner with some prose. Read some theory books, worked on my rhetorical devices, forced myself to kill a couple darlings along the way (but not all the darlings, god damn it).

I also published a book, so yay?

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I'd like to get back to writing original fiction. I've been in a slump with that, too, because it doesn't have the instantaneous feedback that fanfic does. I want to split my time between fic and pro writing stuff, and I want to be very realistic about how much mental energy my real job takes up. When I used to write like a madwoman, I didn't have the role I currently do, which is a senior project manager leading a team, working mostly with executive-level staff. Don't get me wrong, my job pisses me off a lot, and stresses me out, too, but it pays well and we live in a shithole of a society where money matters in the grand scheme of things.

So, like, I guess I hope to grow as a writer in writing even when my brain doesn't want me to, or it doesn't feel great to do so.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Freaking Shirley Jackson, man. That bitch can write.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

I'm always putting kinky shit I see or experience at the bdsm club into my fic. I am as God made me.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Everything is made up and the points don't matter. Stop comparing yourself to other authors. Turn off stats on your AO3. Write what you fucking want and quit worrying if other people are going to like it.

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I'm going to be so, so glad when Soul is done because I love it so much but it is also the millstone around my neck.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

@binickandros, @pipergirl17 and @phoenixwrites please!

[applesandbannas747]

for the fanfic end of year asks

1, 3, and 9!

Thank you for playing the ask game with me! I did not consider how hard the questions would be XD

1. favorite fic you wrote this year

I wrote. SO many fics this year jsdfha Fence Challenge really made them add up. My longer projects tend to be more sentimentally dear to me because I spent so much time with them, so Ribcage and Dead Hearts are definitely up there.

If I Could was really cathartic and fulfilling to me because even though, yeah, I think Jesse and Seiji had a romance of some variety, and Pacat and Jo are gunning for the angle of exes--and I know I'm probably supposed to read it that way--I don't read it that way. The more we see of Jesse and his interactions with Seiji, the less I believe he's romantically interested in Seiji, though it's obvious Seiji means everything to him...everything just short of fencing. I do, however, see Seiji as having wanted more with Jesse. So this fic was an ode to the pain of losing someone you love because you can't love them in the 'right' way--the romantic way. And it's just not a dynamic I see a lot anywhere or a pain I ever see acknowledged, though I'm pretty sure the strange melding of self with your best friend as a queer kid in a way that leaves the lines between you blurry is a fairly common experience.

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

I always love when people point out a line in a fic they really liked because often they'll pick up lines/scenes that I really liked too. But of course now that I'm trying to think of specifics, they elude me. I think I've gotta go with a line from Ribcage:

“Because I crawled inside your blood to hide from monsters,” Jesse said quietly, head unable to turn away but eyes still refusing to meet Eugene’s. “I used you as a shield and built a shelter in your bones. You were compelled to keep me safe because I bit you and gave that curse to you.”

I know for certain that the line was written in 2023 as well, not just posted, so it's a safe bet and a line I really liked. What can I say, my 6th-grade English teacher really had me all figured out when she said I'm a dramatic writer XD

9. longest wip of the year

Currently at 64,225 words (and like,,, a fourth of the way through the story at most), the fic currently called 'Captain' takes the title. It was named during its initial conception, but has grown way past that kernal so I don’t know if it'll keep that name lol

[reviewinghiccup]

BECOMING CHIEF || HTTYD MOVIES | BREAKING DOWN HICCUP (DEEP TALK)

Blog Post Title : Breaking Down Hiccup (Deep Talk)

Blog Post Series No.: #1

Title : How to Train Your Dragon 2

Disclaimer: This isn't a full review on HTTYD 2 the movie.

Once again, Hiccup floating in the air, gliding through the skies on Toothless, seamlessly flying on invisible currents is cathartic. I just wish I could breathe air that clear and fresh. I wonder if some time away from everything will make it easier to make tough decisions.

So far, I don't think I address the question on whether Hiccup wants to be chief. My reviews on Riders of Berk refer to the village's changing perspective of Hiccup and them taking to him as leader. I don't think I've discussed whether Hiccup wants the job. Besides, that question isn't material at the time and space ROB was just yet. Hiccup was still, a kid.

In HTTYD 2, we know he doesn't want to be chief because he still feels lost. Incomplete. His thirst for adventure continues and he will harken to anything calling his name (apart from his dad). But Astrid's advice rings true. He has had so many missions, adventures, discoveries in ROB, DOB and RTTE but they did not quench or answer the inner call to "Who am I?"

Even for us, sometimes wanderlust is just a distractions to the grand scheme of responsibilities we are suppose to take on to answer the question we keep asking.

Believing that being chief isn't innately him, is the very doubt that causes him to discount how much of a born leader he is.

"I was so afraid of becoming my dad, mostly because I never thought I could. How, how do you be someone that great, that brave, that selfless? I guess, you can only try," Hiccup says at his father's funeral.

Self-doubt is the thief of destiny. As such, even after his father's passing, Hiccup struggled to step into the role, to feel worthy of it, until Valka said that his father always knew he was going to be great.

"He always said you would become the strongest of them all and he was right. You have the heart of a chief and the soul of a dragon only you can bring our worlds together. That is who you are, son."

A CHIEF PROTECTS HIS OWN

You see. This may sound like news to Hiccup, but for those who have been following his story, he has always been brave and selfless. He protected Berk and his riders, diving to their rescue even at the expense of precious treasures.

Even to the extent of protecting day-to-day relationships. Like what he did for Snotlout at Thawfest, the encouragement he brings to Fishlegs, the validation he gives the Twins. Training dragons to live w Berkians. Defending Berkians. Saving anyone that needs saving. Helping anyone that needs help. Without question or quandary.

He thought that the answer to Who am I was out there, but it was in him all along. And when you are this blind to all your attributes, the only way to answer the all-asking question is by stepping out of your comfort zone.

He has always protected his own. It started w his undying loyalty to Toothless, protecting him from day one.

I hate that Stoick's death had to happen, but it was that drastic nudge forcing Hiccup into the shoes he was always meant to fill.

Parts of me feel like I understand Hiccup, 15-year-old Hiccup and 20-year-old Hiccup because I AM HICCUP. Sure, I don't have a village to run and no legacy to fulfil, but boy am I afraid to do something because I don't think I can.

This show just speaks to me because I hear that same internal struggle tugging at my heart. Where do I fit in this world of very definable squares?

But maybe that's the answer I need to hear. That to find it, I have to go towards it. And to believe, that "this destiny" was mine all along.

[veilder]

please excuse my word vomit but I shortened the hell out of my caption to avoid being annoying and your tags on my art sent me into a frenzy haha

so my favorite pre relationship dynamic for convin (and in my current fic) they start out as enemies with benefits who accidentally develop feelings but are in denial and know the smart thing to do is to stop and so every time they hook up is the last time (until the next time). and you’re right I drew gavin with the pained expression bc he’s the first one to realize his feelings are feelings but he doesn’t think he deserves connor and he thinks connor wants this to stay physical and that hurts but 1. he thinks he deserves the hurt and 2. he’ll take what he can get for as long as he can get it (hahaha ow). I’m allergic to happy endings in my own writing but I wholly support your happily ever after 😄

also no pressure at all just floating the idea but I’d be so down if you ever wanted to do a collab :] anyways yeah I’m happy you liked my pic and your comments always bring me joy, keep on being wonderful

Omggggggg, what a great ask to get!!! Thank you so much for sending this! 🤩🤩🤩 So, one, your idea behind your art is wonderful and fits them both perfectly. Two idiots getting in over their heads and catching feelings? Yep, that's them, lol. Although, I'm already imagining a happy ending for the two of them, even in that scenario, so whoops! XD I know for me, when I saw your art I was thinking that they were set to be separated. Specific scenarios were still up in the air (i.e. investigation gone awry, some sort of terminal condition, human!AU college fling, historical!AU, etc), but there would be some sort of circumstance that would drive the two of them apart. And this would be the scene of them making the most of their last days together, with Connor throwing his whole self into it while Gavin, in an effort to make the inevitable separation hurt less, begins to withdraw, even though it hurts him. And it would lead to a really messy breakup where they both say hurtful things and are just left with so many regrets. But then... there would be some sort of timeskip and they would meet again, both very changed now but never forgetting the impact the other had on their life. And again, something would force them together, whether it's work or some sort of mystery or even just running into each other over and over again. And they would both realize that the other hasn't really changed as much as they initially thought. That he's still the man they fell in love with. And that those feelings are far from dead. And eventually, things would rekindle in a burst of passion and long-held feelings and it would be terrible and beautiful and cathartic and so, so painful all at once. They'd wake to a morning of regrets and, in their fear, again try to sever ties. But they'd be miserable about it and all the life would drain from their days. That burst of brightness they'd slowly brought back to each other has once again vanished and they're both left in the dark. And then, idk, the plot would pull them together one final time and they'd get to have their moments of peril and heroics and emotional confessions. And finally, finally they'd confess their feelings for each other. The feelings they've had for so, so long. And they'd both realize what absolute dipshits they've both been, that they've both felt the same way for years and were just too emotionally constipated to do anything about it. And then I'd probably undercut it with some sort of big BLAMO moment where one of them gets taken out by the bad guy (I've decided that there's a bad guy now XD) and they'd be dying in the other's arms. And you'd think that that's it! That, after so much build up and them finally getting on the same page with each other, that they won't get their happily ever after after all. But then idk, there'd be some clever deus ex machina I seeded into the story early on that comes through for them and they both live and the bad guy goes to jail and everything is GOOD! And then sappy epilogue. XD ...Ugh, see? Look what you're making me consider here with your beautiful art?! I'm plotting. Multi-chapter plotting! UGH! 😫😫😫 No, but seriously, I adore that art and felt so damn inspired when I saw it? I wish I'd had more energy to do something with that, but alas! I was just getting off work and it was very late. 😓😓😓 BUT THEN YOU SENT THIS AND MENTIONED A COLLAB AND NOW IT'S ALSO VERY LATE HERE BUT I'M JUST 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 BECAUSE DAMN SON, I WOULD LOVE TO COLLAB?! Like, I legit cannot make any promises, I've had the worst case of writer's block ever now for a couple years and counting. But even if it's just, idk, discussing ideas or chatting about these idiots or something, I'd so be down for it! Definitely feel free to hmu whenever!!! I'd love to chat!!! :D

[burberrycanary]

I, too, want to procrastinate right now so thanks @zenaidamacrouras1 for the tag <3333

Rules: Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass this onto other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

I’ve been on a writing streak lately and I’m usually most excited by what I’m currently working on. But, taking a look back, here are some works I’m proud of.

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Still Left with the River (The Paradox of Motion) - 14k | G | Steve/Bucky, MCU

Summary: Coming back from as good as dead to a changed world is easier the second time around. But then Steve supposes that, like with most things, you get better with practice. 

A post-The Falcon and The Winter Soldier Stucky Endgame fix-it where even if you can’t go home again, you’ve got to go somewhere.

This is part of my massive labor of love stucky end game fix-it and probably my favorite story in the series, viewed individually. As I was writing this I went: no one is going to want to read a G-rated post-TFATWS stucky fic that doesn’t provide pretty immediate shippy gratification. But I love watching Steve have to pick himself up and go on after making a huge mistake that deeply hurt the people he loves most. While it can be cathartic as a reader to watch the people Steve left behind be furious, chewing him out until Steve has suffered some amount that’s “enough,” what I wanted to focus on is how hurting and disappointing the people closest to you, who continue to love you painfully through the hurt, creates such a complicated mess of damaged relationships. Steve, re-isolated by so much death and his own mistakes, now has to deal with repairing what he put wrong, if he can and if he’s given the chance to. But as the paradox of motion title would suggest, crossing that distance isn't easy.

This story is a quiet complicated love letter to New York City while this whole series is a massive intricate love letter to Bucky Barnes. Plus, Steve quietly pining is so my jam I can’t even. Come for Steve pining, stay for Steve making things right again.

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What the Living Do - 10k and counting  | G-E ratings | Henry/Alex, RWRB

Series Summary: This story is set a few months post-film and in a better universe than ours. Henry divides his time between New York and Kensington Palace. Alex is a second year student at Georgetown Law in Washington D.C. and lives in the White House. The distance is hard, but they're making it work.

We want the spring to come and the winter to pass. We want whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss—we want more and more and then more of it.

The epigraph of this series is from Marie Howe’s What the Living Do, which is a poem she wrote to her brother who had died from AIDS. It beautifully balances grief and living.

I’m drawn to characters who aren’t going to immediately tell you everything they are thinking and feeling—and to performances where so much is conveyed through micro-expressions that you don’t need dialogue.

Which means this RWRB series is an interesting challenge for me as an author that’s involved writing a lot of very direct communication all the way up to out-in-out Relationship talks. And a lot of fluff. But thanks to the series being told from Henry’s POV, it’s fluff in a minor-key mood. So if you like your bantery domestic fluff shot through with slowly healing grief and the lingering impact of spending years in the closet without a supportive family only to be traumatically outed, then this is the series for you.

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The Art of the Possible - 9k | M | Sharon-centric, TFATWS/MCU

Summary: Maybe whether you’ve picked the wrong side depends on where you’re standing—but if you can’t tell who the sucker at the poker table is: it’s you.

Sharon before, during, and after Madripoor.

I had so much fun writing this with @village-skeptic though it is absolutely not a story for everyone: non-linear and less than straightforward without the hook of a popular ship. Maybe I’m just drawn to characters the MCU keeps doing dirty (cough Bucky cough), but the incoherently bad writing of TFATWS created openings to tell a story that focuses on the bleakly dark aspects of the thematic and subtextual storytelling that is foundational to the MCU. And Sharon was the right character for telling that story.

But for anyone troubled by the politics of the MCU? This is a story for you and I hope you give it a try.

The trick to telling a story with heroes is knowing when to stop and what to leave out.

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I Leave This at Your Ear - 5k | E | Betty/Jughead, Riverdale

Summary: They sort of break up again on February 17 and definitely get back together on March 15. They barely talk between “the Valentine's Day massacre and the ides of March,” he jokes later, sitting next to her in a booth at Pop’s and hoping that she’ll slide closer to rest her head on his shoulder like she used to.

Ah, the brief golden age of Riverdale when that sandbox was fun to play in. This is probably the single best expression of my style as a writer: lyrical, a lot more show than tell, starting in medias res with people talking around strong feelings that are conveyed without being directly mentioned much of anywhere. I’m drawn to focusing on the hard and messy parts of relationships without the big drama of external angst or the relatively easy knots to untie that are misunderstandings—a Marmite tendency, I know. But I love thinking about the part where you go, ok, but how do we actually live with everything that’s happened? Getting back together is easy in comparison to going forward afterward—that is what’s hard.

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Exactly the Contents of One - 6k | M | Starsky/Hutch, Starsky & Hutch

The day's smoggy and breathless, already in the mid-eighties with the weatherman promising worse tomorrow, but as long as they keep moving it's not so bad.

(Or, becoming Starsky and Hutch.)

I definitely have a type: two characters who are very different people but share common values and are fighting for something bigger than themselves—idealists who get all mucked up and worn out in the trenches while loving each other too deeply and too much, generally in ways that are at odds with the society around them. Yeah, that’s my ship type. 

This is a throwback pick for an old fic, but I’ve always been interested in how slash developed as a genre and a subculture. I ended up taking a tour of some OG ships from the 60s and 70s, including going pretty deep down a Starsky/Hutch rabbit hole (the 70s TV series and not the film remake, I cannot emphasize enough). I was nervous about signing up for this because there was a 5k minimum word count and at the time I’d never written anything near that long. So, wow, I’ve come a long way.

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I'm not sure how long this game has been going around, but if @skarabrae-stone, @sullypants, @beaarthurpendragon or @controlofwhatido haven't played yet and would like to, please have some self-rec love 🥰

[davekat-sucks]

The last anon made me think about how long between each project has taken the material further and further away from the source. Yiffany was for sure a late addition that 'looked cool' but ultimately was a joke. The audience has taken a wild turn in lauding the new updates and JR's team even if half of them can't answer a question coherently in an AMA. I don't get it. The writing is just BAD, I've seen better fan comics than this piece of trash.

I thought maybe my sense of humour had changed, but I still find Homestuck OG to be entertaining if not outdated in its language.

I think we're all expecting something different from the other person with HS2, for example myself there's a core story complete and available to read with a wiki full of canon material they could have used. And by used, I mean kept the characters in line with what we expect.

I think this whole story would be better if it wasn't Homestuck, as it is now the story could swap to some alternate earth D and it wouldn't do anything to the story or to what timeline we're in. The kids in Candy were unnecessary, we already had the Beta kids we don't need another 4-kid teen journey. John could have realized the retcon was a glitch they would reverse. Accept some deaths from alternate timelines and take control away from the Cherubs. Make something cathartic and along the way that's worth looking forward to. Make the story about the EXISTING CHARACTERS AS WE LEFT THEM IN THE COMIC.

The epilogues were a mistake, the toblerone wish was a mistake, and this is what happens when you crowd source a project to unhinged mental illness and just say 'yes' to everything like a shit parent.

I wouldn't say the author(s) are bad, I just think this reeks of clout chasing. Like JR is fishing in Hussie's trash for just a lick of a discarded soda. Like he can wrangle the same fanbase and energy instead of taking an adult step back and ask themselves "what could be better. Where should we start. What is our GOAL." So Dirk is the Villain and Calliope too, but what are the true stakes, are they even doing anything?

I'll be charitable and posit this project is too big for the current directors and their talent. Instead we get a mess of fan demands in a disaster of media. Even when Homestuck was falling apart it wasn't this bad.

Adding in with Jane as a villain, that it makes THREE people the story needs to focus on as well. I can't even say Karkat trying to protect his race is meaningful if we BARELY see him interact with other trolls. What is even his role in Earth C besides being Dave's boyfriend? He's not like The Signless since apparently he, the narrative, or Hussie says Karkat GAVE UP on fulfilling his ancestor's role. So he can't be a leader leader in that sense prior to the war. They really could have just left it after the credits and let people decide their own ending. They could have handled the license with Viz Media better when they were publishing the physical books to keep some relevance. But instead, it became an empty shell of its former self.

[bjornkram]

🎶✨when u get this, list 5 songs u like to listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (positivity is cool)🎶✨

YAAAY I LOVE TELLING PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO MY MUSIC

These are my top 5 songs- listing them off awards show style

Honorable mentions to:

Rio Grande by The Oh Hellos, Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root, Bloodbuzz Ohio Live on The Current by The National, and Forest That Weeps by Wintersun.

Now for rhw nominees

5: SOS by Dethklok

Listening to this right now and realized that Dethalbum IV is the only album that features a choir and made my self cry because I then realized that the choir in SOS represented the army of the doomstar, and then cried even harder when I thought about how it was made as a thank you gift to all of us who held on to the show and the music after everything that adult swim did to it. I think about everyone I've met in the metalocalypse fandom, truly the kindest fandom I've ever been a part of, and how Brendon Small walked through fire to give us an ending and a cathartically satisfying finish to one of the greatest stories ever told. Anyway, stream Dethklok SOS on spotify.

4: When I was Done Dying by Dan Deacon

I like to listen to this one as loud as i can physically handle so I can hear every noise. (RIP neanderthals you would have loved Dan Deacon.) I highly recommend watching the music video I linked, lot of flashing lights tho jsyk.

3: Wolf Like Me by TV On The Radio

I found this song while making a playlist for my OC, Valentine Jester. The song really encapsulated everything I wanted to portray about his character and his relationship with his own transformation. It also slaps harder than hell.

2: Lost River by Murder By Death

This is one of the songs I found while making a playlist for my OC, Brother Lonely-Waters. Water is extremely sacred to his religion and he was entrusted with shepherding the waters that run through creeks, brooks, small rivers and ponds. There's just like extremely specific coincidences in both this song and the next one as well as the over all vibes that just really embodies him. (I'm putting some of my blw lore in here bc I can and I love talking about him)

1: The Ghost On The Shore by Lord Huron

This is another song that I found while making the same playlist. I've been writing short stories about Brother Lonely-Waters and theres one that I named after this song. Everything about this song fits him so perfectly. Its my favorite song of all time, I got to hear it played live at redrocks while it was pouring and the wind was crazy. Honestly a religious experience, thats how the song was meant to be experienced

Any way i love music i wish it was real

[findusinaweek]

top ten favorite bands/musicians tag game

I was tagged by @whereforartthoumisthios, thanks!! I’m also an absolute sucker for tag games. I like blabbing, I guess. And oh boy, do I love talking about music.

ok, here is a very abbreviated and extremely biased chronological order of my faves.

1) Shostakovich. He’s my first memory of music and I love him.

2) Gloria Estefan. Latin pop. I wasn’t really allowed to talk about being mixed or Latino as a kid but my mom did let me steal her Gloria Estefan cassettes and cds, so I really clung to her. If you play the 1992 Gloria Estefan Greatest Hits I will revert to childhood and sing it to you. But probably only the backup voices.

3) Funeral For A Friend. Emo, post-hardcore, whatever that means. I’ll always return to their (earlier) music. They kept me alive. Also the only band I’ve bought tickets to that would require me going to a different continent to see.

4) Placebo. Alt/glam rock. I love Molko’s voice and it’s good music to want to self destruct to when you’re a teen. It’s good to look back and realize things got better.

5) Margo and the Nuclear So & So’s. Indie Rock. I don’t have a lot to say about them but I love them. Not sure about how to feel with them re-releasing everything constantly though.

6) Iron & Wine. Folk. Extremely comforting. It’s that slide guitar, for me.

7) Ludmilla. Pop/ funk carioca. Cheguei is what I blast to myself in the car if I’m not feeling a morning. If A boba Fui Eu comes on I gotta sing it and fight with myself on whether I’ll sing the Ludmilla or Jão or backup parts.

8) Mitski. Indie Rock. I know this is kinda Mitski dot com where people talk about Mitski a lot but she’s great, ok? Also I have a conspiracy about local architecture and Mitski, don’t get me started on it.

9) The Reverent Marigold. Folk punk! T4T Jesus! Banjos! Songs about bones! Laika! Having to pull off the road to cry-scream “Would you drink poison for a body that fits”! I go nuts every time Post Op(penheimer) plays! Very cathartic!

10)  Julia Jacklin. Indie pop. She’s getting me through everything currently.

ok tagging time. @aquila-v, @thecontractorandtheastronaut, @sleeplessincarcosa, @luvjiro, @fictionalcharactersrbetter, @solareias. Ok so, I think other people have been tagged or I have seen them do a similar tag game and don’t wanna bother them. If you are tagged and don’t want/feel up to doing it, that’s cool too! But if I didn’t tag you, and you want to do this, you should. Because I like music and you’ll tell me about the music. Yeah. Ok, well I always get awkward at this stage so bye...