#but i really like baby hippo rn

[pnchinbeez]

Not even joking I haven't seen a brother bear au that's natm soooooooo

I think teddy would be Sitka

Attila I think would be Denahi [I think he'd fit]

Honestly I think ahkmenrah should be kenia because his humor is just on point for it

Koda should be nicky [obviously]

Rutt and tuke [I think it's obvious] are jed and oct

And larry would be the mom bear [yes, sad ik, go cry about it]

[pigeon-butch]

I certainly have my own concerns about the treatment of moo deng but um. well i think some of you may just be racist

[cyberdragoninfinity]

Yuya + 2, 3, 7, 8?

THE OOYA

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

i love that he is honest to god so fucking pathetic. this kid loses SO many duels, he's an emotional wreck, he tried to face a hoard of cops by doing skits at them, he is genuinely such a fun and VERY funny character. Also his design is fantastic! And his DECK IS ALSO. REALLY REALLY GOOD. ONE OF MY FAV YUTAGONIST DECKS FOR SURE. HIP HIPPO NUMERO UNO

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

CHECK BACK IN LIKE THREE MONTHS WHEN I FINALLY FINISH ARC-V and i have a feeling at that point I'll have a more concrete answer to this beheheheh...... i guess rn im in the camp of 'jesus christ this kid's mom sucks." STOP THIRSTING AFTER A CHILD YOKO!!!!

7. What’s something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

hmm i havent seen a whole lot of fandom yuya but i do like that we're all kind of unanimously in agreement that this kid isnt cis. ive seen trans yuya in every which direction and it rules!! gender is a circus and baby he's doing flips and shit in the middle of the ring.

8. What’s something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

I wish I had a good answer for this, but much like with #3, I haven't finished arc-v yet so I don't really have a full grasp on how the fandom approaches yuya! Im sure once I'm aware of the full extent of The Everything there will be something that annoys me though HDFHSDFHGD

[sprinklethetangerine]

Here's some animals that would definitely kill me easily, and I am terrified of them:

Orcas. Orcas are terrifying, you know why they're nicknamed Killer Whales? Cause they KILL LARGE WHALES. These things could DESTROY YOU. Not to mention, those things are insanely smart. If you see a pissed off orca, you might as well just give up and accept your fate. On top of being able to fight God and win, orcas are also just assholes. They throw babies around for fun, and after the baby is dead, they just LEAVE IT. They don't even EAT IT!!

Monkeys, any kind of monkey. I want one as a pet, but damn, they do not mess around. One stole my juice box one time, and I also found out that they can and will tear your skin off and eat you. I didn't see it firsthand, but I am very aware that monkeys should not be messed with.

Honey Badgers. HONEY BADGERS ARE THE MOST TERRIFYING THING ON THE FUCKING PLANET AND YOU SHOULD HOPE TO HELL YOU NEVER HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF PISSING ONE OFF. These things are SUPER aggressive and they can fight of LIONS. LLLIIOONSSS!!! Bee stings, animal bites, and porcupine quills RARELY penetrate their skin. Their bite is so powerful that it's basically IMPOSSIBLE to force it open, that bite has a GRIP. Also, Honey Badgers are SMART, they've actually been documented to use TOOLS. An amount of snake venom that would KILL a much larger animals will only make a Honey Badger SLEEP FOR A BIT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. But it's fine, you can just outru- IT RUNS 20 MPH AND EVEN IF YOU CAN OUTRUN IT, IT CAN RUN FOR A LOT LONGER THAN YOU CAN SO IF IT PARTICULARLY HATES YOU... well okay, escape in a tre- nope they can climb, fine, the water, nope, they're actually really good swimmers. THIS THING IS A FERAL KILLING MACHINE AND EVERYONE SHOULD FEAR IT, IT MAKES ORCAS SEEM LIKE INNOCENT ANGELS, OKAY. IF AN ORCA COULD FIGHT GOD AND WIN, A HONEY BADGER COULD FUCKING BECOME GOD. YOUR ONLY CHANCE IS TO RUN AND HOPE TO HELL YOU HAVE A GOOD RUNNING SPEED AND ENOUGH ADRENALINE TO LAST LONG ENOUGH TO GET AWAY.

Hippos. The fucking hippopotamus has THE STRONGEST BITE OF ALL LAND ANIMALS. They're also super fast, both on land and in water, they are considered ONE OF THE DEADLIEST ANIMALS IN AFRICA. Hippos kill 500 people per year, and if you're ever unfortunate enough to encounter them, just pray they didn't notice you and turn back, unless you're in a boat and are in the middle of their territory, then... its been nice knowing you. Idk search it up, lol.

Those are all I can think of rn, but there are SO MANY MORE TERRIFYING ANIMALS. Literally just... be safe.

[broken-synchronicity]

I'm not done????

Merfolk!! Merfolk!!

I haven't really got into their societies as much, like I've attempted to shed light on them (more than Fae or Beastmen, which i will still be expanding upon)

Imma clear a few things out rn before I begin:

Merfolk, depending on the subspecies, actually stick to their cliques. Yeah, symbiotic relationships are a thing but that's only for a select few, you wouldn't see an Orca Mer (which are rare actually) conversing with an Eel—there's a hierarchy which means that only top dogs eat, famine is actually extremely common.

Merfolk have a universal language (there are dialects, Sunlight zone Mers have a more musical dialect, Abyssal Zone Mers have a deeper, growly dialect) they learn when the evolve into official Mers; the deep is scary, and cutthroat if you aren't actively trying to survive even as a wee lil baby you will get eaten by the bigger fish—plus parents only accept children back when they know they can fend for themselves.

I would say that for Leech twins, when Jade said said "I'm glad I chose you" he probably meant that as surviving with Floyd, therefore being able to go back to their parents—some would say they are adopted but I don't think so.

Human and Msr relations are kinda wonky—but after the whole Ariel thing they were kinda forced to fuck with each other on a more cordial level, there are decrees that limit waste in seas, no oil spill for these Mer.

Selkies and Humans set a weird standard before Ariel, you know the legend, steal a Selkies (soul) other skin and they will be forced to marry you—yeahhh it got real bad.

In order to mitigate this the collateral of the Decree called for all forced Marriages with Selkie (even if the had children) to return to their natural habitat—there was pushback of course, but in the end Humans conceded.

The general view of humans vary to this day, some encourage them to remove Preda Mer off the food chain so they can get more food (were Mer held captive during the Age of Enlightenment? Yes absolutely, no one was safe from human experimentation) some actively despise humans and will eat them—P Merfolk also have Preda tendencies although it needed to be developed instead of gradually added in—some are neutral, they will or will not eat a human depending how desperate they are.

Boom!! We've got that out of the way!

I mentioned hierarchies and how that leaves room for famine—see, instead of Beastmen or even Fae having a more interwoven system where, yes despite some being considered lower (Hippos) you generally don't fuck with them unless you want your soul divorced from your body—lower is merely a term used bc some get too lazy to memorize the pyramid (Beastmen are still at the top of their food chain considering) and its easy to classify who is lower, mid, and upper and have a general idea of who they are—Hyenas are lower, especially since they are ostracized.

Merfolk hierarchy is strict—their population small due to treacherous waters, Fae outranking them by a couple hundred— The King eats first, then it trickles down, some don't even get a drop. While some species might be solitary they will have to compete with the fish in that area (fish still exist dw yall salmon is still on the menu) not to mention Merfolk biology dictates they eat their weight, so if your a noodle boy like the Leech Bros. You've gotta eat a lot.

Fish learn not to fuck with Mers later in their evolutions (there are some crazy evolutions to prevent Mers from eating Fish, like crazy—lobster claws are scarier because now they can be poisonous, or heat up and shoot straight magic babyyy, pistol shrimp whomst??)

Which makes hunting harder when you think about how little food some fish get, so there is some beef with Sunlight zone mfs if you're a Twilight zone Mer, Abyssal zones have some dangerous Mers and they hate both of them.

You can see where I'm going with this—another war, another crime.

Abyss Mers banded together and got busy—they attacked the capital in search of food, it was bloodshed really—if you couldn't defend yourself in that time you'd get ripped to shreds and eaten—they even tried the king with a trick up their sleeve.

A Leviathan.

Did the King win? No.

Did they survive? Yes.

It was more of a matter of gaining forces from wherever they could, neighboring kingdoms (Coral Sea was the biggest but not as big now) and even the Fae kingdom at one time.

This inclusion of Fae jumpstarted a pretty good relationship between them yayyy, Merfolk homies!!!

With the help of Seven kingdoms (including Fae) they were able to pushback the Abyssal Zone peeps and force the Leviathan back—no hornee this time 😔.

Merfolk aren't really Humans main interest when it comes to history—but Humans are messy and so they definitely were getting the deets on the entire war, it's still talked about to this day—art and Renaissance paintings were made to depict the battles, bloodbath, and Leviathan which really put Merfolk on the map.

This happens before Ariel.

THESE. ARE. SO. GOOOOOOD

I love it when you bring in other kinds of various mythos into your ideas, and how they'd play off each other in these sorts of things, it's so interesting to read!!!

[wh0lemilk0vich]

Ok I'm getting a little horny on main rn

But like this might get a little indulgent

Imagine a drunk Mickey and Lip getting into an argument, getting physical, and then hate fucking. 👀

Like, especially with a chubby Mickey. 🔥🔥🔥

I want Lip getting turned on by Mickey's shape despite himself.

Like, imagine if they're both wrecked and Lip is trying to grapple Mickey from behind, tears his shirt or something and then gets a handful of one of Mickey's tits and his instincts take over. He starts squeezing it, grabbing the other, playing with Mickey's little nips.

Mickey like "what the fuck!? 😡" At first but it starts morphing to "uh...what the fuck...? 🥵" He's struggling to break his grasp, but not like complaining and Lip is holding him tight.

"thought my bro was into dudes. I don't know any dudes with a rack like this Milkovich" breathing hot and heavy in Mickey's ear and grinding between his cheeks

"thought you were into chicks but your dick seems to be saying otherwise, Phillip " Mickey would retort, but his breath is ragged and he's precumming in his undies.

Lip just figures 'screw it,' he probably hasn't gotten any from Tami in a while and when he's this pent up any hole's a goal. He's fucked desperate fatties in the past and enjoyed himself enough. The feeling of Mickey is bringing back sense memories of those experiences.

Lip reaches under Mickey's belly to unzip his jeans and snake his hand down Mickey's underwear, grabbing him in a rough strong hand.

"when's the last time you got a glimpse of this, with this gut in the way, Fatboy?" Lip would ask grabbing a rough, squeezing handful with his free hand and shaking it hard."

"when I watched your baby brother swallow my load last night"

Lip squeezes him harder and gives him a couple tugs.

"Surprised he could even find this fat little thing swallowed up in all this blubber, Shamu." He'd hyperbolize for effect.

Mickey would be fucking melting, leaking like a faucet, from the domineering teasing manhandling.

"Enough with the pretty talk, you gonna fuck me or what?"

Then, lip would shove him over the arm of the couch, squat behind him and tug down his jeans and underwear and marvel at the size of his ass.

"Holy, fuck this thing is planetary. Talk about wide load, should get you one of those reversing sirens so we know to watch out when you're backing this dump truck up." Down there mesmerized at the sheer size of it, playing with and wobbling Mickey's cheeks, bouncing them before giving him a hard spank.

"Get the fuck on me already!"

"fuck dude relax, how does Ian keep you quiet? He shove your face in a trough of Twinkies? Bet that would keep your fat ass occupied."

Lip spreading Mickey's cheeks and spitting on his whole before standing up and lining himself up to fuck Mickey and they start getting into it.

But Mickey's like "Jesus fuck man, that all the dick you got? It really must not run in the family."

"Maybe if your ass wasn't the size of a pair of fucking beach balls I could get deeper."

"I could get where I need to if I rode you, shrimp dick"

"Forgive me for not wanting to get my pelvis shattered by my brother's domesticated baby hippo, think I'll pass this time." Reaches a hand around to clumsily jerk him off, mainly just wanting to feel his belly fat jiggle against his arm.

Mickey, spent and glowing just flicks him off and says "Go fuck yourself"

Lip ends up finishing, frotting between Mickey's cheeks, helps clean him off, then watches Mickey finish himself off, all of him jiggling and bouncing as he splatters across his belly.

After Mickey cleans himself up Lip gives his belly a possessive thump, grabbing the soft hanging part, smirking and telling him "Gotta hand it to Ian, I think I see the appeal"

[killherfreakout]

i was tagged by tas @embeddedinmybrain thank uuuu :)

nicknames: the ppl of tumblr gave me the nickname caro and it always makes me so :’), my mom calls me liney!!

height: 5’6

time: 9:55pm

star sign: leo sun / libra moon / libra rising

birthday: august 15

favorite bands: hippo campus, valley, more*, slow hollows, coin, sparkling, new order

favorite solo artists: banks, clairo, mitski, phoebe bridgers, doja cat, kevin garrett

favorite food: any and all breakfast food any time of day

favorite color: baby pink + lavender

last thing you googled: other than the wordle lol — if she really is your light by pavlove lyrics (no lyrics were found rip)

last show i watched: i think it was euphoria

last movie i watched: the lighthouse, was as crazy as i thought it would be

lucky number: 4

why did i create this blog: my bestie in 8th grade said it was the cool thing to do so i did lol

do i have any other blogs: YES i am once again begging for your attention bc i don’t post my gifs on this blog, i post them on @screenwrite for film + @sawszall for music!!!! thank u so much mwah

do i get asks: not really i used to sometimes but i’m not really in any fandom rn so i get it (i’m always down to talk though let’s be friends!!!)

why i chose my url: it is actually the name of a spotify playlist made by car seat headrest, i just like the concept of having a soundtrack to a movie that only you know in your head, and it is pretentious and long but i love it so :)

blogs who follow you: literally a huge mix of different ppl and i truly have no idea why they do but that is so cool thanks for sticking around thru my mess of a blog hehe

dream trip: nyc in the winter, norway, and iceland

instruments: i can play the ukulele, a few chords on guitar, and i played clarinet in school years ago lol

average hours of sleep: i wanna say like 8? shout out sleeping meds for saving my life

number of blankets you sleep with: 1 + a comforter i guess?

ur supposed to tag 20 ppl but i will tag @lucasotteli @lowsodiumfreak @paperbackism @morshiberna @daniclaytn @vexedtonightmares @patchesxd + anyone else <3

[parasprite]

i was tagged by @stormysapphic thanks bestie! <3

rules: answer the 30 questions and tag 10 blogs you’d like to know better!

1. name/nickname: ted/bella

2. gender: i hardly know her!!!

3. star sign: aquarius

4. height: 5'6

5. time: rn? 11:15 luv

6. birthday: february 9

7. favourite bands: milkcan, warpaint, klaatu, the cramps, red velvet, blondie, the cure, triple h, the smiths, babymetal, loona

8. favourite solo artists: aldous rh, yukika, mac demarco, rex orange county, lily allen

9. song stuck in my head: I Feel For You by Chaka Khan

10. last movie: An American Werewolf in London

11. last show: The Nanny

12. when did i create this blog: 2018 i think

13. what i post: stuff about cinema, being gay and trans and disabled and just my general hobbies and interests and stuff

14. last thing googled: "baby hippo" <3

15. other blogs: aes @347e pinkcore @plaleaf scenecore @xxdarkharvestxx and my nsfw blog which um,, adult mutuals can ask me for the url

16. do i get asks: not really but that's ok

17. why i chose my url: parasprites are a crearure from the my little pony series. I just think they're cute and funny

18. following: 1870

19. followers: 442

20. average hours of sleep: extremely changeable

21. lucky number: any angel number. Also, 69

22. instruments: violin, viola, ukulele, bass

23. what am i wearing: pyjamas

24. dream trip: florida to meet my discord bf... or new york, or tokyo, or kuala lumpur, or the canary islands... anywhere with good food and nice weather :3 because the food in weather is shite here innit

25. favourite food: idk but right now im thinking about chicken fajitas and banana crepes

26. nationality: scottish

27. favourite song: She Works Out Too Much by MGMT

28. last book read: Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer

29. top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: UWAA um 1. the pokemon world, 2. doctor who (idc if i get killed by a dalek <3 its comforting innit) 3. zootopia

30. favourite color: red :)

tagging ummm um uhhh um

[sneezefiction]

11, 19, and 31 :’)

remy my friend HI and HOW ARE U?

11) are you listening to music right now?

yes!!! i’m listening to islands by sara bareilles and being feelsy as per usual

19) have you ever been to New York?

i’ve driven through new york but i’ve never had a chance to explore and sight-see! it’s something i’d like to do though :,,) i travel through whenever i visit boston/belmont!

31) 3 random facts.

i love chocolate dipped peeps (the marshmallow easter things)

if i see a spider, i instantly stop functioning. i cannot STAND them

and i really want to hold a baby hippo rn

ask me something!

[wlwgang]

Was tagged by @patrcolus ty emmmmmm ily

Favorite movie(s): buuuuuh of all time honestly Spirit bc I am a horse girl forever and also that movie had such a strong anti-imperialist message like!!! Recently tho I was sad and watched Pineapple Express for the first time which was good for the laughs I guess.

Favorite band: Lord Huron I’ve really liked recently, also Hippo campus, Conan Gray and so many sorry but also Cage the Elephant has so many bangers

Favorite decade: of my life 2010-2019 bc no pandemic just vibes 🤧

Nicknames: Anna or Nan

Zodiac: Gemini

Mbti: might’ve changed since but the first one I took said INTJ but the J/P axis was almost equal so either one I guess

Fav vehicle: I like my Sequoia but also screw cars ideal way to travel is a horse like bro if I could go sit on a horse rn I’d be on mental health level 1000

Pets: my puppies! Hank is my black lab he’s very old and very lumpy but I love him so much even when he sleeps in the absolute middle of my twin bed so I can’t fall asleep until 5 am :) and then there’s Hubert he’s our enormous mutt hound baby who I’m trying to train but he’s the embodiment of head empty no thoughts lol

Tagging @meganiumlesbian @schmidtho @nigerianing @earthfem @meloqrama and anyone else who wants to!

[immortalcockroach]

50 questions you’ve never been asked

asdfghjkl i know this was a thing about a week ago and i’m just hella slow ahhh 

big thanks to everyone who tagged me! ( @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold @important-metaphors @iishallbelieve @iwearplaids @sassmasterblake @burninghoneyatdusk )

What is the color of your hairbrush? black, cheapest one from primark, you know it

Name a food you never eat? sushi…too raw.

Are you typically too warm or too cold? i have two moods: ‘i’m fucking freezing’ and ‘i’m fucking boiling’, never in-between

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? i walked into the kitchen to prepare lunch then i realised it’s past midnight

What is your favorite candy bar? either reese’s peanut butter cups, or kinder happy hippo with cocoa cream

Have you ever been to a professional sports event? hell yeah; my sister’s boxing tournaments, a whole load of football matches when i was a kid, and a few handball matches

What is the last thing you said out loud? ‘aight imma head out’ … 

What is your favorite ice cream? stracciatella!! it’s just plain ice cream with chocolate chunks 

What was the last thing you had to drink? water!

Do you like your wallet? not really. i can never seem to get a wallet that i like, they’re never functional enough

What was the last thing you ate? a bowl of oatmeal…for breakfast (which was at 5pm)

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? haven’t bought clothes since january my dude

The last sporting event you watched? pretty sure it was a champions league game?? i think it was liverpool playing against someone. is liverpool even in champions league? don’t quote me on that

What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? salty is the only valid one and if you like any other you’re a weirdo what even

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my flatmate

Ever go camping? yeah! been a few times with my family

Do you take vitamins? ehhh no, i tried but i’m really horrible at taking daily pills so i just gave up

Do you go to church every Sunday? i used to, but i’ve been to church a handful of times since i moved to scotland in september ‘18 since they’re not big on roman catholicism and i’m not a big believer…yeah

Do you have a tan? ahhh don’t get me started on this. i always have a tan. it doesn’t go away. i tan really easily and it literally does not go away even when a year has passed

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? pizza, i don’t like chinese and never understood the hype

Do you drink your soda with a straw? no?? save the turtles

What color socks do you usually wear? whatever i get for christmas, honestly. mostly monochrome or with little dots. rn i have white with little black flowers on them, kinda cute

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? hehehe driver’s licence who?

What terrifies you? death, failure, and the phrase ‘we need to talk’

Look to your left, what do you see? a bottle of water (stay hydrated folks!!)

What chore do you hate? laundry (but only bc it’s expensive :/)

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? oh yeah boy pls never stop talking

What’s your favorite soda? freeway cola, that’s the cheapest thing i get in lidl and AMAZING for curing hangovers

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus? go in, as i never go anywhere with a car so it’s not even an option

Who’s the last person you talked to? same flatmate that i last texted

Favorite cut of beef? ??? i don’t even know what this means. i don’t really eat beef

Last song you listened to? sadderdaze by the neighbourhood; i was working on a story it’s perfect for

Last book you read? hitch hiker’s quide to the galaxy, currently reading it

Favorite day of the week? don’t have one?? 

Can you say the alphabet backwards? bruh i barely even know the alphabet 

How do you like your coffee? ok so hold up. so two teaspoons of sugar, two teaspoons of instant nescafe instant coffee, two teaspoons of boiling water, half a teaspoon of vanilla extract. this is mixed until it’s a creamy texture, then poured over three quarters of milk with a bunch of ice. then mixed until it’s all one colour, left aside 5 - 10 mins for a sweet foam to form on top. it’s…a process. i don’t like any other coffee.

Favorite pair of shoes? i don’t have one. probs my burgundy boots cause they’re the most convenient since they have a zipper and i’m lazy

The time you normally go to sleep? ahhh i always aim for 2am but for the past few weeks, between 6am and 10am

The time you normally get up? between 12pm and 5pm. time is a social construct

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets!!

How many blankets on your bed? one blanket and one duvet

Describe your kitchen plates: we have a bunch of different ones , but the one i bought is baby blue and hella cute

Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? my flatmate’s homemade mojitos, or whatever i make when i show up to a party already drunk and see alcohol and mixers sitting about. i’ve been told the drinks i make on these occasions are absolutely amazing

Do you play cards? yep, it’s a family tradition and if you don’t play cards, then you’re considered a weirdo

What color is your car? my fam’s car is black

Can you change a tire? Yep

Your favorite province? …what provinces are we talking about?

Favorite job you’ve ever had? i was doing the dishes for a cafe a few years back, and i’d occasionally get to tend the bar, too, and chat with the customers and help out, plus my coworkers were really lovely and chatty, it was so much fun

How did you get your biggest scar? i was 12, i was shaving my legs and somehow managed to get a 10-inch long layer of skin shaved off. it was nastyyy 

What did you do today that made someone else happy? i gave my best friend some boy advice and reassurance, she seemed pretty chipper about that lol

i honestly have no clue who’s done this already and who hasn’t, so if you see this and want to do this, consider yourself tagged!

[renaer-is-allegedly-hot]

session 11 notes (i’ll fix them one day but i’m agro this was tea hate this)

Two minute one shot while dom pees

Adam has a floaty tube

Asyna can't turn into a hippo

Giant seahorse

Jane austen

Elizabethh and darcy my hands are shaking

Dom has 4e books

Dom was pretty out of it last session

It's afternoon

Dom is toasty

In jacob's other campaign a goat bit off his penis so the goat's name is richard byter

"at first the goat was reluctant"

"what a goat"

Last week on dragon heist

We were meandering through the city

"one of you met with an old friend, briefly"

Zoo time

Aerana knows where the zoo is in the sea ward

Raised brick gate w high walls; on top are intricate metal railing spiked stuff

Entrance is v wide, not too many people going in bc it's raining a lot

Maybe

Apparently the weather is super important and I still don't know why the weather is so important

It is currently raining

Pouring

Ticket booth in the front

Gold piece per person

Botanic repository

We walk up to the booth covering ourselves w the hoods we have

Velvet rope line but we just navigate through it like in shrek

Adam goes first

Walks in and see smiling figure, human male middle-aged, heavyset, festive outfit, "thank you for visiting - oH how's it going?!" it's volo

He's doing research for his newest obok

Hi jacob's dad

Jacob's gonna go fishing

Volo under impression he would be one of zoological experts but no

"recommendations?"

They brought monsters in from the isle of chault

Points us off to the exhibit to go

Originally zoo was not a zoo as we think of but like throwing them in a pit and being like look at them think httyd

Now it's closer to what we'd consider a modern day zoo

Lots of foliage

It's a big zoo

Like the San diego zoo

Or disneyland

Dom talks abt his brother's haircut

We can run through it

Can asyna just sprint

Aerana and asyna r gonna run

Adam cel and theo r gonna not run

Most of the zoo taken up by exhibits devoted to the island

Looking in the entryway a lot of ppl r carrying pamphlets n papers and speaking in foreign tongues like tourists or smth ig

Adam casts disguise self to make him look as fancy as everyone else

Has feathered cloak

Three major pathways

Chault exhibits for weird stuff r left

Marine stuff and some chault r forward

To the right r monsters from the interior continent

Adam cel and theo (?) go to the right

Most ppl r in pairs

A lot of biologist-type ppl; ppl who look like they're used to handling animals

First real exhibit on the right is a human woman inside the exhibit throwing down pieces of meat to lions

Is asyna a moon druid ? Yes

How did the human woman get there ? But she doesn’t notice

"does this zoo have dippin dots" - lillian 2020

Perception check, 15

There r ppl selling stuff, sees dejected gnome sitting under a pedal cart w a dingy umbrella and he's grumpy n angry

Adam walks over to him

Selling diff snacks n refreshments

He's mostly selling a fizzle pop

Strawberry flavor, blueberry, butterfly flavor

"are ur fizzle pops made w organic butterflies ? Bc I'm kinda on a diet rn"

Adam says it's disgusting

"I'll have a blueberry thank you"

Cel is gonna try the butterfly one

It's sweet; doesn't taste like blood but does taste almost nutty

So like what I would think pistachio tastes like

Fun size popsicle

Theo gets strawberry

They go to the next exhibit

A really vertical exhibit

 Oneshot

Cel is gonna try and ride seahorse asyna but rolls a nat 1 for acrobatics and then a nat 1 for dex save

Smashes head on rim of the pool, bleeding out and unconscious

Healing words from adam

Climbs out of the pool

The water is now red

Three children on the other side of the pool

One of them gets really excited and pees when adam tells them that there's a chemical that turns pool water red

Asyna left the pool when the kid peed

Asyna leads everyone over to the hospital

Adam is gonna try and healing words fix cel

Cel is back to full health

One of the kids is crying scared when she finds out the water is blood

Theo is gonna go get the kids ?

Ok back to the zoo

There's a hippo exhibit

We go check it out

On the way there run into different typical zoo stuff

Apes

Monkeys

The younger ppl r around these exhibits

A lot of closed sections bc of weather like "don't worry next winter this animal will be back"

Alligators

Ringtails that r lemurs ringtail lemurs

Birds

Carefully curated trees that r uber high

Hawks and giant eagles

Oops my phone froze

Tap on the glass to say hi to the what now

Theo wants it to come say hi to her

Animal handling check, 10

Can't attract their attention but

The hippos

Asyna has speak with animals LMAO

Basically can't talk to worms

No more tapeworm talk :/

"Theo says hi . This is theo"

"everybody gangsta until they find out jacob thinks barney is a hippo" - dom 2020

Colombian drug lord one time built private zoos and the hippos broke out but now there's a hippo problem in colombia

Pablo escovar

Speak with animals is ten minutes

We're also probably fighting later

We're gonna talk to the hippos

Theo waves

One of them paddles over and tries to sniff

"hm . Can you eat it ?"

"pleaes don't"

 I just remembered seaweed is not a plant it's an algae

This hippo does not have a name

Calls sister sister

"ask about juicy hippo gossip" - adam

"no but if I did I would share it"

Originally zoo was place for research

Anything else to ask hippos before we check out rare animals ?

The hippo floats away and we say bye

To the chault exhibits

Getting late but there r a lot more researchers

First exhibit has a lot of strange, unfamiliar trees

Monkeys w really big fluffy sideburns clustering around overhanging branches bc it's raining

Some of them r taking leaves and using them to keep the rain off

One of the monkeys hops off the branch

The sideburns actually extend into wings and it goes to another branch

"it's like the wizard of oz"

"adam what's the wizard of oz"

Flying monkeys

Adam walks over to a researcher and asks the most must-see

Woman who is probably from chault bc wearing strange woven beret w branches n stuff

Alien to anything they've seen

"I would point you in the direction of the behemoths"

"what are behemoths"

Adam rolls nature check

9, he doesn't know what a behemoth is

She is from chault

Behemoths r considered friends there

Asyna and aerana know where chault is

Everyone else just knows chault is v far away, almost like a nightmare story told to children

Described as a hellscape

"I'd sooner go to chault than-"

Asyna and aerana know chault is a massive island to the sw of the sword coast, home to v tropical, intensely humid climate w lots of rain + some invasions in the past but now things r opening up

We're gonna check out the behemoths

From a distance, this exhibit much larger than others, much more heavily excavated

Not so much walls as railing looking into a deep cavern

All manner of plant life brought in to accommodate the creatures

Huge lizard of some kind

Huge size category

Irl a horse is large

Humans and dwarves are medium

Exhibit says it's a macetail behemoth

Ground trembles w each step of the behemoth

Slow, ponderous

Gigantic armored lizard w tough plating on its back and spikes on the sides of its head w bony, protective coverings all over it

Massive swinging tail protruding bone swinging back and forth as it walks

Looks like that one dinosaur

We would call it an ankylosaurus

Things that go over my head : see description bullet points before this

Tail end of speak with animals

Asyna can turn into dinosaurs

"you look really cool do you have a name"

One of them looks up but doesn't really respond

Doesn't answer

Look for velociraptors

Gonna look at all the exhibits

Spirehorn behemoths

Faces almost look like shields

Triceratops

Alien to us tho

I can't believe that like as dom's explaining these everyone else can like ,, imagine it

Like that's crazy they see pictures inside their heads

Feathered behemoths

Occasionally jump around

Claws and walk around on two legs

Bloodspike behemoth

Stegosaurus, baby and two parents

Asyna can turn into a deinonychus

We have enough time for one more exhibit

We see a creature alone in its pen save for two researchers dropping treats in front of it, other has a pickaxe and is tapping the ground and scooping smth up trailing the creature and brushing it into a bin

Creature reflects rainbow of colors ? I think

Huge snail, has three eyestalks but they kind of droop down and have heavy spikes off each individual one

Cel reads description

Flail snail?

It's a big boi

Described not as a beast but as something that comes from a realm of earth

As it moves it excretes glass

Generally docile but if prodded r really dangerous bc the things it has r more weapons than eyes

Adam asks if it's a petting exhibit

The flail snail is just as slow as a regular snail

"that is the most disgusting magic resistance I've ever seen in my entire life" - jacob 2020

Everything starting to shut down

We realize we should probs skedaddle

Time to find loser boy

Rain has not stopped but has kinda calmed down

Heading straight to the wig shop

Lamps in the trades ward r lit

Brighter than what we've seen recently

Adam peers into the shop

Perception check

6, tries to get water off the window, looks empty

Theo's gonna pick the lock

25, it's a simple lock and theo gets it open easily

Shop is empty

Somewhat eerie for those without darkvision bc the mannequins

Cel will go and investigate the back room, door is locked

Theo tries opening again

23, opens easily

Immediately smells weird powder

A lot of the perfumes for preserving dyes n stuff kept back here

Cel makes a perception check

16

V organized, neat and tidy

Manhole cover in the back

Sewer system v advanced in waterdeep but also means there's a lot of it

A lot of ppl will build over sewer openings bc cheaper real estate

"sewer access authorized city officials only"

Adam rolls nat20 for boxes

Looking for anything necromancy related, licking things, doing all manners of investigation

Feels a small leather sack, pulls it out, kinda heavy

Opens it up, sees coins that are kind of heavier and thicker; not silver, 5 platinum pieces

Platinum is 10 gp each

Could take the platinums

Scry the money and sack

There are cupboards at the front desk

Necromancy considered suspicious, looked down upon

"ah . It's like watching anime ." - jacob 2020

"no, it's not like watching anime" - dom 2020

The art itself is not a crime but the things that occur in tandem w it r usually crimes

Discussing what to do in character

Cel insight check, 16

Earlier dom mentioned we're aware many ppl in waterdeep use the sewers to traverse unseen in the city; kinda suss the building was built on top of a sewer

Adam is borrowing aerana's warhammer

Adam hits the floor, leaves big dent and a v loud sound

Cel makes strength check w advantage w crowbar

Rolls a 12, can't get it open

Can sort of shift it up

Adam smashes a jar over the floor

Dex check, 5

Cloud of neon yellow sprays out like a cloud of dust and smoke, just the color

Covered in bright yellow dye

Theo tries lockpicking

23, lock is more difficult and takes a little longer, but eventually it opens

Once it's opened, the chains undo themselves and snake out on their own accord

It's just a dark hole

Can see a short drop that leads to a staircase

Adam holds lantern

Cel's just gonna go w adam at the front, pitch dark

Darkvision lets us see to some extent; everything is in grayscale

Lantern beam does help us see a little

Asyna closer to front as well

Leads to a room, 10' x 20'

Descending down short flight of stairs, room totally bare save for a barred door that u can see out of, also locked

Hear faintly some water

Theo rolls 23 for lockpicking

Door opens

Adam investigating room for secret door, tunnel, anything

Investigation check, 10 and 5 for investigation checks

Look around but room is barren

Nothing stashed anywhere, nothing to indicate a secret door or anything

Adam and cel step out, to immediate right extends for 10ish feet before merging into wall

Directly in front is water and like a sewer river flowing to the right

"are there any rats" "make a perception check" "nat 1"

To left, passage curves so hard to see but for at least 40 or so feet the pathway continues

Adam rolls another 5 for investigation check

We eventually get to a small stone bridge

I FORGOT I RESEARCHED THE SEWER SYSTEMS idk if I should bring it up I brought it up

A 15 intelligence check

Waterdeep's sewers are a subject of fascination for the city

You know the passageway like the one ur in often has arteries or iron doors set in them leading to different areas

Also know sometimes due to poor planning or smth some areas without walkways also have access tunnels

There's a bridge ? Nasty water under it

Over the bridge we go

Cel rolls a 22, plenty of damp areas around ,, no light in the passage, walking for a minute or so and w each step just hear a wet squelching noise; we're leaving behind wet, muddy footprints

No sign of recent mud in front of us

10 minutes go by and every once in a while pass side arteries w more sewage flowing in

This part seems relatively well planned

Can only go straight ? No other curvature in the path

Traveling south

"I'm gonna try and get that rat" - adam 2020

Adam picks up the rat for sleight of hand check

22

"you're able to grab up that rat pretty good" - dom 2020

Adam holds rat out to asyna and tells her to do her thing

"hey buddy"

"uh you have to cast your spell first"

"hey pal how's it going"

"let me go"

"uh we'll let you go if you answer some of our questions"

"don't even"

"no he's saying don't eat him"

"my friend here holding you is gonna take a big chomp of you if you don't answer our questions"

"have you seen anyone"

"don't know"

"I open my mouth"

"I kind of want to squeak" - marguerite 2020

Rat points north

Adam wants a piece of string to tie onto the rat like a leash

Adam is starting to feel short of breath after 10 minutes of walking

"that's either from the powder . Or the key"

Adam doesn't feel indigestion right now just that it's difficult to get air

Adam tries to tie a leash to the rat

Dex check

Nat1

Rat runs away

We go back the way we came, another 10 minutes, we pass three of those stone bridges

Cel investigation checks the dead end again, adam will give bardic inspiration

"Open sesame" - song

18, nothing there

It's a maze, we'll try naya

Adam takes out sack of platinum

Naya appears, looks around and shudders and bounds away

Following the deer

Naya is guiding back to where we originally where

Moving south again

Looks at passage back again passage then vanishes

Naya was standing on one of the bridges

First artery

It's a passage

We gotta wade through the sewer

Aerana readies weapon

Wading through, halflings get disgusting smth in their boots

Passage goes 20 ft before turning on a diagonal, turn onto passageway then it extends v far into distance

"adam's adding to the sewage right now probably" - jacob 2020

Adam's feeling lightheaded

Cel makes medicine check on adam

Rolls a 6, don't know what's wrong bud

Adam rolls around in the sewer water to get the powder off ??

I guess he is

Adam makes a constitution save, a 3

OH? OH NO

The yellow stuff is off but adam is smeared in shit

Did I make a good or bad decision

We keep going but adam feels better like fine like nothing's wrong

Oh no adam's gonna die it's like hypothermia where u feel super hot at first then u die

Passageway stretches on for awhile until coming across a rusty ironed door raised so that we'd have to step up to access it

Aerana makes perception check on the door, 20 not a nat

Hears people shouting and what appears to be a cat

Can't tell if the shouting is bad or not

Theo wrings out cape

Go up to the door, realize there's no lock; the entire lock has fallen out bc the door is so rusty

Adam checks door for traps, 12 investigation

Does not appear to be trapped, looks p old

Adam is in middle, cel towards back, aerana at front

About 25' ahead is a wider chamber and a door set into the wall, the areas are lit

We already walked through the rusty door

Massive screeching sound that came from the door when u opened it

Gotta b stealthy

Door to the right is unlocked

Adam opens the door open, looks like a storage room w different crates and sacks; bland

Some water barrels, adam pours it on himself; the rest of us also do it

Moving into room adjacent to passageway; triangle things in the wall has arrow stuff to make it easier to fire from but the room looks abandoned

Deeper in we go

Don't go that far but hit a wider room extending out 40'

Center of the room; at one point looks like there was a wall covering the room but has since collapsed; several ppl looking at us

Far corner opposite to us is an old halfling man in dark robes, clutching wound at chest, long gray braid down back staring at us as if he heard we were coming

In front of him are two smiling skeletons

It's the necromancer

The skeletons r also looking at us

They appear to be guarding him

In front of skeletons are three kenku looking at us

Bingbong is not one of the kenku

"I can explain" - adam

"we came down here and I was covered in shit and" adam casts pyrotechnics centered in between skeletons and kenku

Initiative

Aerana, 19

Cel, 17

Asyna, 15

Adam, 15

Theo, 9

Aerana

Holds attack, if kenku move within 5 ft of her she'll attack

Cel

Skeletons have bows and shortswords

Kenkus have shortswords

Will hold an action if attacked

Skeletons

Appear to b human skeletons, medium size

Lash out at kenku

One kenku able to parry away an attack, other skeleton slashes another kenku

Asyna

Attacks kenku closest to her, the one not hit

15, "what are you attacking with" "iiiiiiiii don't knowwwwwwwwwww"

Asyna turns into ape

Runs up to terrified kenku

Swings both times but it gets out of the way and hisses like a cat

Adam

Casts pyrotechnics on kenku

One passes, one fails

Failed one is blinded for next turn

Cutting words on the kenku by asyna

Kenku

Blind

Tries to escape, skeleton misses and kenku staggers away and starts feeling way along wall and runs into room west of where we are

Other one

Makes attack on skeleton, half of ribcage slashed but it's still standing

Other other one

Tries to attack ape, misses

Halfling

Stands up, tries to flee

Theo

Hits kenku that tried to get asyna, 5 damage

Has sneak attack, deals 12 damage

Arrow shot into neck, still alive but not for long

Aerana

13 damage to other kenku

"how do you want to do this"

Kenku drops dead

Skeleton turns smiling to aerana

Cel

15 to hit, 6 damage, dead

"how do you want to do this"

Pulls arrow back as far as she can "and I don't know if it's bingbong, but I'm gonna pretend it's bingbong and shoot it right through his eye socket"

"I want to keep bingbong as a pet" - jacob 2020

"kenku are sentient beings, that would be slavery" - dom 2020

Looking around we see the bodies of three other kenku and remains of two other skeletons

The skeletons attack aerana

One hits, 3 damage

Asyna

Goes into the room to follow the halfling and the kenku

Some kind of exit around

The blinded kenku is in here

Can reach halfling or kenku

Marguerite wants to hug the halfling

Athletics check to do it

21

Old man screams but asyna can hold him, unable to escape

Kenku still feeling around on the floor

Adam

Follows asyna

Gonna cast sleep

Kenku falls asleep

Yells over at the halfling

"can you call off your skeletons please"

Halfling

Loser boy's turn

I don't remember how to spell losser unless it's losser

Tries to escape asyna's grasp

"he does not escape your grasp"

Asyna rolls another athletics check

17, he does not escape

Theo

14 to hit, 16 damage

"how do you want to do this"

Arrow to the skull just goes really far in and the skull falls off as do misc bones

Aerana

Misses hit

Tries to thrust forward w sword but it drops and contracts, sword slipping through ribcage

Cel

19 to hit

8 damage, hits shoulder and arm falls off

Skeleton

Misses

Asyna

Waddles the halfling over to adam

Gives him a little squeeze

Adam

baned halfling

And cutting words

No cutting words nvm

Halfling

Asyna rolls a 25

Can't squirm out

"unhand me there are more of them there are more kenku"

Theo

"ok. Bye bye skeleton boy"

22 to hit

12 damage

"how do you want to do this"

Hits him in the smile; teeth knocked out and all of it collapses like a xylophone type noise as the bones hit the floor

Out of combat

Aerana ties up sleeping kenku

Adam casts charm person

Cel is gonna loot

Investigation check, 7

10 gold combined on the kenku; takes

Halfling is charmed to consider adam a dear old friend

Says he just finished work on his new purse; his fanny pack (basically)

Not sure we recognize the material

Adam says he knows who sent the kenku

"you have the stone"

"they stole it from me"

Says he randomly found a nice stone from a rat

Adam puts his hand on loser boy's shoulder and asks if he wants to work from home

Trying to convince loser boy to come with us

Declines

The purse is made out of elf skin

Bc it's supple

Adam trying to get a magical weapon out of loser boy

Has a potion that protects from necromancers

Persuasion check, 24

Goes into side closet

Damage resist potion

Aerana kills him

Wow are you ?? Desensitized ?? Are you desensitized or does it help not being able to see anything ever

Adam rummages through loser boy's desk

Investigation check, 15

False bottom to one of the desk drawers w 100 gold inside

Cel investigation checks loser boy, 13

Finds a little wand w a skull tip

Adam is gonna look at the purse

This bag is a faint gold

Adam shakes the kenku awake, wisdom 13 saving throw

Fails

Charm person

Making dog noises

"you want to take us to your friends"

"I don't know where they are"

"then let's just go back to your base"

"get back to base ? No one knows where that is"

Adam introduces himself, mentions bingbong

Gets theo and cel's names, mimics sound of a hammer hitting metal when asked his name

His name is bonk now

Asks asyna's name, asyna is still an ape

Big hairy git

Aerana says she'll trade information for her name

Adam swings warhammer into ground to threaten kinda

Adam makes 12 insight check

We don't recognize any of the voices he uses

Asks if we live in a hole

Asks if the house is nice

Copies adam's voice for the house boom

Adam asks if he knows about the puppet

"couldn't tell you if I knew"

Nat20 adam runs insight check across entire conversation

He's lying abt not knowing where his friends are

I DFJGSLGJS THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING ABT US STILL GIVING UP INFORMATION ASFKJAFD

Adam asks him why he was lying

Hear a voice we've never heard before

But this one in particular is bizarre and warped as if it's through some filter

"do you know what happens when you lie to me"

Adam

Anyone w passive perception over 9 hears a bottle break and a door slam in one of the rooms to the south

Cel hits his brain basically

Some of you starting to piece together that smth strange is happening

Pattering of footsteps from room to the south

Session over for the night

[hippolytarider]

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO,  CISFEMALE, SHE/HER.  —  looks  like  HIPPOLYTA RIDER  is  attending   AURORIA UNIVERSITY  in  auradon.  they're  the  TWENTY-THREE year  old  child  of  RAPUNZEL & FLYNN RIDER,  which  means  they're  from  TANGLETOWN.  heard  they're  CHARMING  &  LOYAL,  but  can  also  be HARDHEADED  &  SUSPICIOUS  ;  we all have our bad days.  people  normally  associate  them  with  TENSE HANDS FROM GRIPPING A SWORD TIGHT, HAIR RUSHING PAST YOUR FACE & FLYING BEHIND YOU, KICKING OFF HEELS TO FIGHT, STRONG ARMS FROM CARRYING THOSE YOU LOVE  —

hihi here is my captain-in-training princess, i love her sm and her most important factoid is that she is 6′3″ (ie. gwendoline christie’s height) and like super buff hbvksjhbr

background

eldest child of rapunzel and eugene fitzherbert

rapunzel was like: “we’ll name her after a powerful amazon !!”

eugene, knowing all the nicknames that can come from ‘hippolyta’: “ .. honey ....”

eventually tho they both fell in love with the name, and eugene taught hippolyta to be proud of her name

“no kid of mine is gonna end up wanting to be anyone else but herself!”

but yes she’s been called “hippy” and “hippo” as a child, and is probably still called “hippy” now 

watched the guards  since she was a small child, knew from the start that she wanted to be like them to protect her people

eugene took her to train with the captain of the guard, first with a pan of course before she was old enough to hold a sword. she’s now an expert in both. 

also joined as many team sports as she could, but excelled most in tourney. she was the captain of her tourney team. 

never wanted to go to university, and had already begun training to be captain of the guard in tangletown until they began a course in forensics and criminology in auroria

this is her first year in auroria university

personality

authority figure as fuck

stickler for the rules but like also has a naturally rebellious streak so .... its a difficult balance to keep

“what the hell are you doing ??? ------- why didn’t you invite me?? :((”

had a reputation in school and auradon prep that she would tell on everyone lmao 

“fairy godmother, i caught them sneaking out after hours --”

but then after high school, got really into partying lmfaoa gvjg

making out with princesses in the corner hell yes

ANYWAY, basic idea is trying to get their life together while also pretending that it’s already  together bc they feel so reponsible for their family and little siblings and basically all the younger royals she feels responsible for them too

also LESBIAAAAAAAANNNNN

also has a detective streak, follows their gut a lot, but also believes in the government -- or, at least, the ability to change it. believes in a government that can make good choices, and trusts it (so far).

how they feel about the heroes and villains?

operates on a “if you break rules, whoever you are, you’re trouble” basis. doesn’t matter if they’re AK or VK. and once you break a rule, you’re done for lmao. 

how to get on hippolyta’s good side? be baby that she wants to protect.

believes the villains definitely deserved to be imprisoned bc of their actions, but also is very aware that trapping them all on the isle like that just created more problems. likes the isle as like ... a place to separate the villains from society, but believes in rehabilitation not incarceration. it’s a lot to think about.

CONNEKTYONS

all the younger royals PLS, let her be your big sister she will tell you everything about puberty, parties, relationships, drinking, self-defence

gym buddies bc hippy is built as fuck

horse-riding buddies

women, female-aligned, nb characters she potentially could have made out with at parties (BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE 20+, because pls remember she is 23 !!)

vks that she butts head with bc they break a lot of rules and hippolyta doesn’t like them lmao

AND I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE RN BUT IF U HAVE IDEAS HMU im also a big fan of just throwing 2 characters at each other and seeing what happens !!! like gardening !!!

[turntanontuesday]

i was tagged by @shyofjune(who is a cool mutual i have, thanks for tagging me btw) so here’s some facts about me!


rules: answer these questions, and tag 20 followers that you would like to get to know better

name: ariana  nickname: i don’t really have one tbh  zodiac sign: sagittarius hogwarts house: gryffindor height: idk like 5′1ish maybe, i’m just short sexual orientation: ask me when i’m older  ethnicity: pretty white favourite fruit: probably banana  favourite season: winter (so rn) favourite book series: tomorrow when the war began?the maze runner? favourite fictional character: ahhh i don’t think i have one  favourite flower: roses are pretty dope  favourite scents: mint, just mint, but lime is chill too favourite colour: not orange  favourite animal: this bird called a kea  favourite artist/band: hippo campus, halsey, lorde, eden, seafret, sleeping at last, russ, of monsters and men coffee, tea or hot chocolate? i’ll pass  average # of hours of sleep: rn 5 but normally 8ish  number of blankets:  winter=2 summer+1 dream trip: nz photography roadtrip but also europe  last thing i googled: the name of a dude who wanted to access one of my folders on google drive. it was strange. i didn’t know him.  blog created: i’ve been in and around tumblr for awhile but this blog is still a baby (2 months) how many blogs do i follow: on here 111 and my main 222  number of followers:  not a ton what i usually post about: this blog is just hippo campus  do i get asks regularly: nah

i’ll tag the 20 most recent mutuals from this blog: @coastalcabin @sunlight-veinss @simpleseasonn @123arizonatea @trumanblocked @rydens @psycho-typo @go-down---soft-sound @mish-studies @deliciousspaghettiuniverse @juniper-evenings @sarcastimistic @handfulofsighs @s1mpleseason @thejohnnybond @suicidesaturdaze @espbelle @thehxlocliine @espocline 

[anitabyars]

One hot mess. One hot boss. One too many hot encounters...

Catastrophe Queen, an all-new hilarious office romantic comedy from New York Times bestselling author Emma Hart is available now!

It’s not you. It’s me.

No, seriously. It is me. Not only does my name literally mean “unfortunate,” but that’s the story of my life.

Everything I touch turns to cr*p. An apartment fire—that I swear I was not responsible for—means I’m living back at home with my s*x-mad parents. Yay, me!

Which is why I need my new job as personal assistant to Cameron Reid to get back on my feet. Three months in this job and I can move back out and, hopefully, remember to turn off my flat iron once in a while.

Ahem.

On paper, my job is easy. Make coffee. Book appointments. Keep everything in order.

Until I walk in on my boss, half-naked, wearing nothing but the kind of tiny white towel that dreams are made of.

Now, nothing is easy—except our mutual attraction. But he’s my boss, and you know what they say about mixing work and pleasure: unless you do p*rn, it’s just not worth it.

Or is it?

Download your copy today!

Amazon: https://amzn.to/2SzEyCn

AppleBooks: https://apple.co/2Jtpp1m

Amazon Worldwide: http://mybook.to/CatastropheQueen

Nook: http://bit.ly/2OmHHT2

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Add to GoodReads: http://bit.ly/2CRIskS

Excerpt:

I took my coffee from the counter and scanned the room for an empty table. There wasn’t one, which killed my chances of wasting more time before I went home.

With a sigh, I checked my phone for the time and headed for the door. I was going to end up at home earlier than I’d planned, and I needed to check with my mom to make sure there wasn’t anything kinky happening somewhere in the house.

I’d considered bleaching my eyes enough in the last few weeks, thank you.

I was fairly sure I was safe because my grandfather and great aunt were coming to stay to celebrate Grandpa’s eightieth birthday. It was still a miracle my exhibitionist mother shared DNA with either of them. Unlike her, they were reserved, polite, and didn’t flash their flesh in the hopes of getting out of a speeding ticket.

Really, it was no wonder I was a walking disaster.

I pulled up my messages and clicked on my mom’s name. My thumb was poised to type the burning question of whether or not it was safe to come home when I glanced up.

And saw the car screeching to a stop, mere inches from me.

I screamed and stepped back. My heel caught on the curb, sending me toppling backward, and both my coffee and phone went flying. My cup slammed against the sidewalk, splattering hot liquid everywhere right as I managed to save my phone from certain death by concrete.

My heart was beating so fast it should have exploded, and adrenaline raced through my veins. I gripped my phone against me so tightly that the edges pressed painfully into my skin.

Oh my God.

I’d just almost died.

Maybe slightly dramatic, but I probably wasn’t far wrong. I didn’t even know I’d stepped into the road. When had that happened? Had I really been in that deep into my own little world that I hadn’t even checked for traffic?

Dear God.

How was I still alive?

The back door to the sleek, black car that somehow hadn’t run me over swung open. From my vantage position on the sidewalk, the first thing I saw was a pair of shiny, black shoes attached to legs wearing perfectly-pressed, light gray dress pants.

I dragged my gaze up from the feet, over the door of the perfectly clean car, and stared at the most beautiful man known to humankind.

Thick, dark, wavy hair covered his head, curling over his ears. Lashes the same dark shade of brown framed impossibly bright-blue eyes that regarded me with a mixture of shock and concern, and my ovaries about exploded when he rubbed a large hand over full pink lips and a stubbled, strong jaw.

“Miss—I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

Scrambling to my feet as he approached me, I tugged down the leg of my pants and grabbed my pursed. “Yes. I mean—it was my fault. I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry.”

He let go of the car door, showing broad shoulders and just how well that gray suit was tailored to him, and picked up my coffee cup. “All the same, I think we can share blame. Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

Just my dignity, and by this point, I was running low on it anyway.

I shifted, taking a step back. “I’m fine, really. Thank you.”

“Can I replace your coffee? Give you a ride anyway to apologize?” His expression was so earnest, his concern so genuine that I almost gave in.

Almost.

I had almost walked into the front of his car, then proceeded to embarrass myself in front of everyone on the street.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’m not far from home.” I clutched my phone and purse straps a little harder. “Again, thank you, but I should be going.”

He nodded as if he understood. “Uh, miss? Did you drop something there?”

My eyes followed the direction Mr. Dreamboat was pointing. On the side of the road, tucked against the curb, was a pair of white, cotton panties with flamingos on them.

My white, cotton panties with flamingos on them.

Swallowing, I met his bright eyes and shook my head. Dear God, please don’t let me blush. “No. I’ve never seen them before.” I backed up a little more. “Thank you for not running me over.”

Mr. Dreamboat grinned, his eyes brightening with his smile. “I’d never be able to forgive myself if I’d been responsible for running over someone as beautiful as you.” He glanced toward my panties, then winked at me.

There was no doubting that I was blushing this time around.

You could fry eggs on my cheeks.

So I did the only thing any self-respecting, twenty-five-year-old woman who’d just almost been run over, tripped, and dropped her dirty panties could do.

I ran.

But only like two blocks, because I was in heels, and I had the fitness levels of a hippo.

Then I grabbed a cab.

About Emma Hart

Emma Hart is the New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of over thirty novels and has been translated into several different languages.

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She is a mother, wife, lover of wine, Pink Goddess, and valiant rescuer of wild baby hedgehogs.

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Emma prides herself on her realistic, snarky smut, with comebacks that would make a PMS-ing teenage girl proud.

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Yes, really. She's that sarcastic.

Connect with Emma

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/EmmaHartBooks/

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Website: https://www.emmahart.org/home

It’s Live!

[hot-topic-rat]

16-30

16. Who do you want to be closer to?

my mutuals because i love them;;

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

nope tbh

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

I went to London when I was like, 2. I remember being in my stroller when it started to rain, and we were out by Trafalgar Square, I think. I remember getting a tiny Beanie Baby hippo in my McDonald’s kid’s meal, and I vaguely remember riding the subway. I remember coming out from a very dark building, and the adults around me looked concerned, and one gave me a stuffed animal, a black cat with brownish-red eyes, and it freaked me out a little (it turns out, I had fallen asleep in my stroller and my mom and aunt went through that Famous Torture Place and I woke up in the middle of it, and they were afraid with all the dark gore, I would be traumatized, so they got me the cat). I also remember being on a cart that was pulled by a llama. Also, I remember mom showing me Buckingham Palace, and seeing some of the guards out on the lawn. And! I saw the Peter Pan statue (that was in the movie Hook). I guess that’s a lot, but it’s from one trip and a lot for a 2 year old to remember.

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

I’ve been picky most of my life, so I haven’t really eaten crazy stuff……..but I have had gator, and it’s pretty good

20. What can you see outside your bedroom window?

My backyard, the woods

21. What are you most thankful for?

all the friends in my life rn!! some of you have dealt with A Lot of my shit throughout the years and you’re troopers and deserve the world. And even the new friends or, friends that aren’t that close, y’all give me so much support and i love you

22. Do you like spicy food?

i’m your typical White Person and mild is spicy to me after eating it for a few minutes straight. I don’t dislike it but I’m a pussy

23. Have you ever met someone famous?

the closest i’ve come is i think i met the great- or great-great-grandson of johnny cash or something. he was a weird kid

24. Do you keep a diary or journal?

tumblr and twitter are my diaries lmao. but no, i’ve tried keeping them but it never worked out. i really only wrote in journals or whatever when i was having a depressive episode, and since i kept them dated, that’s actually how i found out i have seasonal depression. but yeah so there’s a bunch of journals around my room, and in random pages of them are Bad Sad Shit

25. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

pen

26. What is your star sign?

aquarius!

27. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

crunchy god. i hate soggy cereal and the bane of my existence is mini wheats or whatever because that shit gets super soggy in 30 seconds. fun fact, i dislike soggy cereal so much i just eat cereal without milk now 

28. What would you want your legacy to be?

idk i just want people to not hate me,,,,,,,,,but also that’d be super cool if i could do something to help animals somehow

29. Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

i love reading! i’m currently almost done with The Hobbit, and before that I think i read The Handmaid’s Tale (god i wanna watch that show so bad;;;)

30. How do you show someone you love them?

i send them stuff that reminds me of them, i make them stuff, i just…..try to make them happy, y’know? and romantically, i’m so clingy and sappy and shit