#but i no longer care about her husband insert or whatever else goes on in that world

[ghost-bonezz]

i... don't even want to finish crescent city anymore if it involves acotar this heavily why does everything she do have to circle back to that ugly fae man

[theawkwardterrier]

things left behind and the things that are ahead, ch. 13

AO3 link here

Fury has seen Peggy Carter twice: once at a podium during her speech at his SHIELD induction, and then again, from a distance and surrounded by higher-ups, when she had toured the new LA headquarters back in ‘86. He’d been impressed by her - she’d been exactly what he’d expected - but also had no doubt she wouldn’t be able to identify him in a lineup of two. She might not know all about his last few batshit days or be clued in on the alien species of it all, but Peggy Carter is so far above his pay grade that he couldn’t reach her if he climbed back into the spaceship he’d just gotten off of.

So it’s a bit of a surprise when she shows up at the Rambeau house.

“There’s a car coming up the road,” Monica shouts from over at the front window where she’s showing Talos’s daughter how to play Guess Who?, and Fury dries his hands on a dishtowel and follows Carol and Maria out onto the porch. The car stops in the driveway. Fury unlatches his gun holster and keeps a hand on it. A man steps out of the driver’s side; hard to see much about him in the dim light. He goes around to the other side of the car and opens the door for the woman sitting there. He bends his head close, as if speaking to her for a moment, then steps back as she exits the car to join him. She threads her arm through his and they walk together across the lawn. As they get closer to the porch light, Fury evaluates them more closely: the man is still unfamiliar, older but straight-backed, with hair going silver and some gentle wrinkles around the eyes and mouth, and the woman is Peggy Carter.

Oh, she’s not in one of her classic suits, dressed instead in gray slacks and a pink sweater (someone, his mother or Coulson or someone, would tell him that it’s a particular shade like salmon or peach or daiquiri or whatever the hell, but it looks pink to him) and appearing somehow fresh despite the southern heat. Her hair is iron colored by now and cut just below her chin, her gaze firm as the one in the portrait that hangs in the hallway outside Fury’s office. Until the man makes some remark in her ear and then she looks at him with fond exasperation that she doesn’t turn off until they’ve neared the base of the porch.

“Agent Fury,” she says, addressing him. He pulls his gun and raises it at her, even though it seems a little pointless with Carol and her laser hands beside him. Peggy Carter, or what looks like her, just raises a calm brow, seeming a bit amused. “I know you’ve had a trying time, but this really is quite the disheartening welcome.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” Fury says, keeping his service weapon steady even as he tries to pretend that his eye isn’t itching like hell, “but I think our southern hospitality’s a bit tapped out today.”

“If they’re Skrulls, I think we actually just agreed to extra hospitality,” Maria points out.

Carol, tilting her head, asks, “So, are you Skrulls?”

The couple trades a glance. “No, mostly regular human,” says the man.

“Sorry if I don’t entirely believe you,” says Fury, knowing he sounds not particularly sorry at all. Hard to remember that about five minutes ago he was using a scrub brush to show off his knowledge of sixties Motown. “Maybe you’re good Skrulls who have reason not to want to show it off, maybe you’re the bad cousins we haven’t met, maybe you’re some other damn breed of aliens, but after the things I’ve learned, I think it’s reasonable to be a little wary about making new friends. Particularly those who didn’t start off asking, ‘What the hell’s a Skrull?’”

“Before you say anything you can’t take back, who exactly is this supposed to be that you’re threatening to shoot?” Carol asks him.

“Well, first, I think at this point you’ve been standing next to me long enough that we’re threatening to shoot her, or worse, in your case. Second, I’m not threatening anyone, just taking reasonable precautions. And third, this may or may not be Peggy Carter, the head of my organization—”

“Well, just barely,” Carter says. “The retirement party is scheduled for sometime soon.”

“She’s been saying that for years,” the man inserts. “And I have the feeling it’ll be a few years yet before anyone picks up a sheet cake at the bakery.”

Carter (potentially “Carter”) looks over at the man. “Certainly not. I think the last party I attended with a bakery sheet cake was twenty-some years ago - the neighbor’s daughter, the one who was always kicking everyone.”

The man looks back. “None of the kids ever had one?”

She laughs. “As if you’d ever have allowed it.”

“Well, there was some time there—”

“Not that this isn’t adorable and all,” says Fury, “but if you’re meant to be Peggy Carter, who exactly is he meant to be?”

“My husband,” she responds promptly.

Fury looks over at the guy, gesturing a bit with his gun. “You have anything more to say on that?”

The man shrugs. “Not really.”

“Is she supposed to have a husband, whoever she is?” Maria asks.

“There have been rumors,” Fury admits. “But like I said, I’m not trusting anything after the last couple of days.”

“Hey, Talos,” calls Carol, “Just checking, but I thought we’d met all of your friends.”

A version of Maria's neighbor Tom, now wearing the sweatshirt they’d given Talos, pokes his head through the still open front door. “It’s a bit insulting, you know, assuming that we’d all know each other.”

“Well, do you happen to know these two?” Fury asks, trusting that Carol will keep control of anything that might happen as he turns to glare over his shoulder. “I’d like to make sure we’re all on the same team, regardless of species.”

Talos shrugs. “Seem human to me.”

“Sorry if I can’t exactly take your word for it.” Fury knows he sounds grumpy, but he’d been feeling good, and now this. Either he’s going to have to deal with an alien impersonating his boss - again - or he’s about to get fired. Talos returns inside and closes the door, as if Fury's troubles don't exactly top his list of worries.

“How long have you been married?” Carol asks. Even though her tone is curious, unhurried - no need for that anymore, when he can practically feel the power radiating from her - Fury can hear the test in it.

“Forty-four years in September,” Carter answers back promptly.

“Kids?”

Her husband answers this time. “Four. Rosie, Drea, Emma, and Nate.”

“Or I suppose if you want to be more official about it,” Carter adds, “Rose, Andrea, Emma, and Nathaniel. And then there are the grandchildren...”

“Who’s the shortest of your kids?” fires off Maria, clearly trying for the element of surprise, and they both laugh, an established, private joke sort of laugh, before answering simultaneously, “Rose.”

Somehow that decides it. Fury finally stows his gun. There’s still a tiny chance that these are some new shapeshifters who’ve done their research, but if they are, they deserve credit for it.

“I apologize, Director,” says Fury, suddenly conscious that if she’s showed up here, she probably knows more about his actions over the past days than he’s comfortable with, and also that she’s probably noticed the scratches across his eye. Not the best introduction, overall.

She gives a deep, dignified nod. “As I said, I understand that things have been a bit trying for you.”

“So, if I can ask…” He forces himself not to scratch the back of his neck like a little kid. “Why exactly are you here?”

To his surprise, she turns to her husband. “Darling?”

He slips his arm out from the curve of hers and steps forward to the very base of the steps, his hands in his pockets. “I have some information for Captain Danvers, actually.”

Carol looks him over. “I’m guessing that this isn’t about back pay?”

He laughs, but somehow not quite. “Not exactly. I know that you’re about to head out there—” He gives a quick upward jerk of the chin, indicating the fullness of the velvet black sky. “And when you do, there’s someone you should look to run into. A Titan called Thanos.”

Carol and Mr. Carter, now introduced as Grant, sit on a pair of the porch chairs. He’s explaining something while Maria stands over them with her arms crossed and Monica pokes her head through the curtains to spy on them.

Fury brings a glass of lemonade to Director Carter, who is leaning against the car.

“Much appreciated, Agent,” she says, raising it to him before taking a shallow sip. Her hands are steady, but up so close he remembers that she’s been running the agency for decades, longer than he’s been alive, and that she fought in a world war before that.

He leans against the car beside her, crosses his arms. “Any chance you can tell me how your husband got ahold of all of these details about—” He points upward. “Things out there?”

He knows how insubordinate it is, nosing in on Grant Carter like he’s a perp, but he’s already held them at gunpoint so he figures he might as well. To his surprise, she actually smiles. It’s much more an agent’s smile than it is a mother’s or a grandmother’s - or maybe for her it’s both. She swirls the lemonade before sipping again. “He’s had quite the life, my husband,” she says. “And between caring for the children, taking courses, and lending a hand from his cubicle, he’s still managed to pick up a piece of fairly essential information here and there.”

Fury looks at the man on the porch, at his narrow frame, his khakis. There’s something familiar there; maybe just that central casting Nice Old Man look. Fury knows better than to judge solely on appearances, especially at the moment, but he can think of few people less likely to have “fairly essential information” than Grandpa over there. Still, the same could be said by an unsuspecting person in regards to Director Carter as well. “Balancing all that seems like a lot. Guess you married a real Captain America,” he says, sounding bland to avoid sounding sarcastic.

Her eyebrow flickers up and there’s a beat, but then she laughs. “Well, who else in the world would be able to keep up with me?” She drains the rest of her lemonade and places the glass on the hood of the car. She looks over at him, and he can see in her sharp eyes that regardless of what she says about cake and retirement parties, she has a fair few working years left in her. “Now tell me, Agent. What were you thinking would be your next step?”

“A nice vacation sounds just about right,” he suggests, despite knowing the futility.

And indeed, she tilts her head and says, “Really? And I was so looking forward to reading your report of the incident.”

“I’ll get on it, ma’am,” he says dutifully.

“I think those are her favorite words,” jokes Mr. Carter, walking back toward them across the lawn. Carol and Maria stand beside each other, watching him. Carol leans over to say something and Maria shakes her head fondly.

“Then isn’t it lucky I get to hear them so often,” the director tells him archly, a bit of a smile twitching at her mouth regardless. Fury picks up her glass and moves away from the car.

“It was good to meet you, Agent,” says the director, opening her car door and settling herself inside. Her husband walks around to the driver’s seat, but stops and looks at Fury over the roof of the car.

“It was very good to meet you, Agent Fury,” he says, the creases around his mouth deepening. Fury can’t quite tell if it’s from laughter or pain or something else entirely.

“Be safe out there,” he says to cover all his bases, and as Mr. Carter gets into the car and closes the door, there’s a definite laugh at that.

“Does anyone get the feeling we’re missing something?” Maria asks after Fury has waved off the departing car and returned to the porch.

“I think I’m going to be having that feeling a lot for the next little while,” Fury comments.

“Well, I’ll leave you to that,” says Carol. She’s grinning. “Apparently I’ve got a universe to save.”

More chapters here

[shadowofthemoth]

Hello again~! Just out of curiosity, for the ship ask meme, can I say Khadgar and Alieri? ^^ (if not, fresme could be a second choice. ;) )

Hellooooo! Of course you can! ^^ 

Sorry it took so long, I didn’t mean it to, but I’ve been too buzy… Well, here goes!

Khadgar/Alieri:

1.    Who hogs the duvet:

Khadgar.  And he looks so adorable in his sleep when hedoes it that Alieri doesn’t have the heart to object… but she still needswarmth, right? And at some point she just ends up getting her own duvet whichshe keeps under the pillows or somewhere at hand and takes out when Khadgar hasalready cocooned himself into their main one.

2.    Who texts/rings to check how their day is going:

Bothdo it very rarely. Khadgar, because he doesn’t want to overdo it and makeAlieri feel like he’s controlling her; Alieri, because she hasn’t yet gottenused to actually having the right to do it – and she probably never will.Besides, it’s freaking Khadgar, he is the Chuck Norris of the World of Warcraft,there’s literally nothing he cannot cope with.

3.    Who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts:

Alieri.She is the creative one. Khadgar does his best, but he is more likely to choosesomething useful and practical as a gift. He has good taste though, and itcompensates for him being less inventive than his partner is.

4.    Who gets up first in the morning:

Khadgarand his ancient habit to wake up at dawn. He is not an early bird though; it’sjust that he is used to waking up and getting ready to whatever it is that heneeds to get ready for at literally any given time. Years spent at war willteach anyone that. But years at war also mean sleep deprivation; so he can fallasleep in a matter of moments and stay asleep in any conditions, be it in abed, on horseback, ahem, at a boring meeting in Dalaran, ahem, or whenever elsehe has the opportunity to do so.

Alieriis a bit different in this regard: she can go very long without sleep (perks ofbeing a dragon), but when she has the chance to relax – don’t you try to gether out of bed before midday. Khadgar did once, he knows what I’m talkingabout. And he can prove that the wrath of a dragon woken at an ungodly hour ismore horrible than that of the Burning Legion (even in the hour is perfectlyacceptable to 99% of people around you).

5.    Who suggests new things in bed:

Bothdo, but Alieri is sort of reserved and almost shy about this aspect of life,whereas Khadgar is much bolder. He understands and respects her timidity, butagain, years at war mean that you try to get everything you can from life whileyou still can – and that is a lesson he has learned well. So yep, he doesn’thesitate to experiment in bed (and out of it) because why the hell not enjoythemselves if they can?!

6.    Who cries at movies:

Thereare no movies in Azeroth, and I haven’t thought about a modern AU for thiscouple, but… I guess these two don’t cry at movies, they are more likely toinsert sarcastic comments for the whole audience to hear. xD

7.    Who gives unprompted massages:

Khadgar.He uses his hands well (and I’m talking not only about massage now, yeah) andenjoys caring for Alieri, and massage is a perfect way to help her relax and toshow her all his love and tenderness. Alieri herself doesn’t really like givingmassages, mainly because she fears to misjudge her strength and hurt Khadgar(do I need to remind you she is a dragon?)… and also because she isspectacularly bad at them. xD

8.    Who fusses over the other when they’re sick:

Khadgaris the fussy one: let Alieri sneeze once, and he is already running around withhot herbal tea, warm duvets and an (adorably) panicked expression. On thecontrary, when he gets sick, Alieri is calm and collected all the time. No fusswhatsoever. If she panics, then it means Khadgar is as good as dead (and thatshe probably knows whom to ask for help anyway).

9.    Who gets jealous easiest:

Alieri.Because come on, look at that hot man and tell me: how many people would liketo get him laid?.. Yep. Now add his position as Archmage and tell me: how manywomen would like to get themselves such a husband? Exactly. Khadgar isblissfully ignorant of all that (or at least pretends to be), but you see,Alieri has many reasons to get jealous quite often.

10.          Who has the most embarrassing taste in music:

Uuuuhhhh…They both have some embarrassing secrets to tell in this regard, I think, butthis question requires more of a modern AU, so I’m not sure about the detailsyet.

11.          Who collects something unusual:

Alieri.She is a dragon, after all, and hoarding stuff might be an innate need, so tosay. But she is also a mage, so this need is combined with her scientificinterests: she collects magical artifacts of all sorts and studies them.

12.          Who takes the longest to get ready:

Theyboth don’t need much time to get ready, because when they have to get ready, itis usually for battle or journey, not a nice evening at a restaurant. But whenit IS a nice evening at a restaurant (more like a pub though), it is Alieri whofusses over her clothes and hairstyle a bit longer than time limits mightallow.

13.          Who is the most tidy and organized:

Alieri.No ifs and buts, it is her. Even though Khadgar might disagree and grumblesomething under his breath. Something about long red hair on the floor, whichis definitely not his (at this point he may demonstratively ruffle his –short-cropped, silvery white – chevelure).

14.          Who gets most excited about the holidays:

Khadgar:Holidays? What holidays? What does this word even mean? Have res and relax? Howdoes one do that?

AlsoKhadgar: *excitedly packs stuff and plans a trip to the City of Shattrath and avisit to Draenor*

Alieri:*rolls her eyes fondly and proceeds to help with the packing*

15.          Who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Theytake turns. xD

16.          Who gets most competitive when playing games and/orsports:

Oh,Alieri is very competitive. In a modern AU, I imagine, she’d be on some sportsteam. In the reality of WoW, this competitiveness is probably a good help inbattle.  Khadgar is not competitive atall – he might have been at some point, but now he has long gotten over it.

17.          Who starts the most arguments:

Theyrarely have arguments in the first place; but when they do, I guess it’s a50/50 situation.

18.          Who suggests that they buy a pet:

“Let’sget a pet!”

“Youcan turn into a raven, and I am literally a dragon, Khadgar, do you really wantto add a proper animal to this madhouse?”

(later)

“Let’sget a pet!”

“Khadgar,this is a crocolisk.”

“Hey,don’t discriminate crocolisks!”

(later)

“Ican’t believe you have gone and bought another chimera home.”

“Alieri,please, we are in Warcraft, having a hundred pets and several dozen of mountsis a must here!”

“…I’llsee myself out.”

19.          What couple traditions they have:

Do goodluck kisses before battle count as a couple tradition? Also, Khadgar makes it apoint to bring those blue Draenor flowers to Alieri every so often (which isnot too often because the world of Draenor is not always accessible).

20.          What tv shows they watch together:

Noideeeeaaaa, but it would probably be some standup shows of such comedians asEddie Izard etc. Maybe BBC mini-series like Pride and Prejudice, too.

21.          What other couple they hang out with:

Notsure about other couples per se, but when Kraid gets himself a girl, they’ll beinvited to a double date for sure! ^^ Also, their closest friends are Kalecgos(who is a dragon and a mage as well), a Draenei Death Knight Jenerlen (my OC)and a Night Elf Druid Ilmarikki (my OC as well). Jenerlen and Ilmarikki areboth female and I’m not into femslash, but I’ve been pondering on this shiplately.  

22.          How they spend time together as a couple:

Theytalk, they laugh, they make love, they try to get some rest from all the eventsand responsibilities the war throws at them. A predictable answer, yet I canthink of nothing else. They also work together a lot, so I guess it counts asspending time as a couple anyway.

23.          Who made the first move:

Khadgar.

24.          Who brings flowers home:

Himagain. Rarely, but he does his best. Alieri brings magical artifacts. xD

25.          Who is the best cook:

Khadgaragain! Alieri just seems to be really unsuccessful in this area. Potions? Yes.Herbs, artifacts, ancient scrolls and volumes – can do! Cooking edible food?She’d rather die. Or alternatively die of eating the food she had cooked.

[ventingblacklist]

A Tale of Three Toms

(aka, how they butchered everything to save this guy)

(anti-tom)

Just a brief chronicling of the different versions of Tom’s story. 

Season One: Who Does He Work For?

I think the original plot outline went something like this - 

Red realizes something is up with this guy in Liz’s life. He gets wind of passports under false names, etc… He realizes this guy is attached to one of his enemies. But he can’t bear to just take him out because Liz is so in love with him and happy.

In their initial ideas for the pilot, they thought of scenarios where it starts with Red killing Tom, then coming in and revealing everything later, post-death. But they clearly decided that letting him live and revealing it more slowly over the course of season one was more interesting. And I think it was. 

But they needed a reason then that Red wouldn’t just outright kill him, so they had the ‘well Liz loves him and Red can’t bear to hurt her’ excuse. Which I never thought was adequate, but whatever. That was their way to keep this war going through season one so there could actually be a war in season one. 

So after doing as much as he can on the outside, Reddington surrenders and works to expose her fake husband and use the FBI to smoke out his employer. He doesn’t count on Liz stubbornly refusing to see what’s in front of her face. He figured they would work together on this. He fully intends to end Tom once his employer is known, and that part pretty much holds up. Once Red knows about “Berlin” he goes to put a bullet in Tom.

There was also talk of killing Tom in 1x17, but I’m not sure of the context of that. Apparently they decided to wait until the last episode.

So it started out as an excuse really to get Red back into her life. To have a show. Some enemy of his has gotten so close to her that Reddington can’t stay away any longer. She’s in peril without knowing it and he has to be there. 

For Liz, it’s a story about shattering that little fake life, revealing the truth under the carpet, confronting that truth, and making choices. What do I do now that the scales have fallen from my eyes? Do I embrace destiny or run from it? 

Is it all too much? Do I crumble? Or can I maintain and rise above? 

Tom’s purpose is pretty fulfilled. 1x22 with his dastardly deeds reaching their crux, handing over the task force, using her to take out Reddington, then briefly apologizing (maybe there was a shred of him that came to care for her after all, oh how tragic) and then whispering a dying secret in her ear that will lend intrigue in the future, is a pretty fitting end to that whole story. Time to wrap it up and move on to other things. 

Or not. 

Obviously near the end of season one they’d started to rethink their plan and someone said they should save him. So. How to go about doing that?  

Season Two: Twisted Love

I’m not sure that Red being the one who inserted Tom into Liz’s life was part of it at first. I don’t usually complain about that addition though (if it was an addition) because I actually love it. I think it adds so much more weight to scenes like the hand-holding scene in 1x6 when you know Red is sitting there eaten up with guilt for starting all this.

If it was original, I think it was a fairly simple thing. Red hired him to be Ezra, someone offered him way more money to double cross Red and Tom took that job and married Liz. Red finds out, and the rest is history. 

But now they’re saving Tom’s little life. How to make him palatable then to the audience? 

Oh, I know. He actually did love her the whole time. This whole thing was because he loved her, actually. 

Did you know that if someone is in love that excuses everything bad they’ve ever done ever? Well, now you do.

They could have very easily gone with the idea that Tom fell for Liz eventually. And that once he realizes how much damage he’s done, he feels bad and works toward redemption. And maybe someday he’ll be worthy of her love again. I could have actually bought that. But nooooo. They had to pull this crap that doesn’t make sense at all and makes Red look like a total douche canoe.

It made total sense to kill Tom in 1x22, but I actually love the ‘Red hired him’ reveal, and I love Liz’s 2a arc. So, in my perfect world, Red kills Tom in 2x8. 

Rather than meet him in a diner and give him money (apparently? which made exactly zero sense) it would be a twofer. Red kills Berlin, then kills Tom. The season one enemy is dead. Fitch’s death becomes the new reason Red must stay in Liz’s life. 

After all, the entire reasoning behind Red not killing Tom no longer applies. Tom is out of Liz’s life. Red tells him to never come back. Well, then, kill him. I mean, the excuse the writers used is gone at that point. Letting him walk is pure desire to keep the character, nothing more. It makes no in-show sense.

So, back in my ideal scenario, Red’s guys grab him off the street and put him in the Reddington death chair. But maybe before Tom dies, he says that line, ‘you know, for what it’s worth, I never told her about us. Not one word.’ Then Red shoots him. And his cheek twitches. And now we’re all like, ‘whaaaat?’ 

I mean, that would have been perfect. 

Anyway. 

Back in the stupid canon world, suddenly Tom’s passports are government-issue and not forged and they came from Reddington. They give him The Major backstory (that part is fine). He’s a twisted f**k who can kill a man in cold blood and feel no remorse whatsoever, but it was to ‘save Liz’ so she should totally be grateful and take him back. 

Oh, and he actually did marry her out of love and that whole deal, and the entire story of season one basically is just flushed down the toilet. The whole journey meant nothing. But hey, it’s fine because Tom and Liz are sleeping together. Woo hoo!

Oh, and Tom suddenly has amnesia about his and Red’s back story and he thinks Red is just using her to have an FBI task force. Which makes Tom look incredibly dumb.

Oh, and the dude who whispered that her father was alive suddenly knows jack diddly squat about Liz’s backstory and family and it will never be mentioned again.

But hey, boat sex. Woo hoo!

Season Three - Four: Little Lord Fauntleroy

So after building up a whole thing where Tom is burned with his handler and burns his passports and just wants to buy a boat and live a normal life, and he actually leaves, they have him come right back. Because why not? 

I still remember my reaction to that. I was like, ‘really? right away with this guy?’ I mean, I figured he’d come back eventually. After he’d all ‘changed’ and stuff. Even considered that he and Liz might end up together at the end, but this? Why?

So Tom secures Karakurt and it’s actually kinda fun watching him go undercover, so I’m like, okay, whatever. And never thought in a million years they’d actually have him and Liz getting back together. I thought this was some unselfish thing of him realizing he’d screwed her life up bad so he wanted to help her but she wouldn’t just randomly take him back. If they were going to get back together, they’d have to earn it. Tom would have to earn it. 

Or not. 

Tom had to run, he couldn’t stay. But now apparently he can. He can stay for months in the same town under the same name with the same woman. A deaf, dumb and blind tracker should have been able to find him.

Oh, and he kept the ultrasound picture from season one. And he really really wants a baby. And he and Liz are a thing again. And are you kidding me with this crap?

I totally expected Tom to turn out to be shady again. I was expecting him to be on the side of whoever it was that was now after Liz. I was expecting something ten times more interesting than a microwaved love story. 

Or not. 

But then I hear that there’s a spin-off. Oooooh, that’s why. That’s why he’s still here. Okay. 

So now Liz ‘dies’ and Tom’s story takes the forefront. His mother shows up. The seeds of the spin-off are sown. Turns out he’s not a street rat after all, he’s actually a little spy prince. Aw. yeah, that’s not unbelievable at all. (that was sarcasm, by the way)

Scottie is unlikable with the sexual harassment right off the bat, and nothing really warms me to her. Aside from her reaction to getting shot in the arm being funny. 

And now suddenly Tom’s not some guy who fell in love and all that. No, suddenly his story is intricately connected to everything else. Stretching all the way back to his babyhood. 

Again, not unbelievable at all. /s

Suddenly he was adopted out, not running away from foster homes (which destroyed about fifty percent of any sympathy I could have had for him). And on the spin-off he magically is the Ressler of the team with a shiny conscience.

They gave him Liz’s story. Suddenly he is the child with the super secretive crazy parents, only it’s reversed because he’s the one holding that card. Liz is…. idk, a person just happy to have Tom in her life I guess.

They build it up that Tom wants a normal life. But then they have to turn around and build it up that he wants back into the spy life. And they give him a family and a kid, but then if the spin off was successful they probably would have had to change that whole thing, so what was the point of it?

Now, since Tom was actually in love the whole time, they have to come up with some other reason Red re-entered her life. Katarina elements, whatever that means.

And it’s all a big, giant mess. (I do think those elements existed though and that Red feared Tom worked for one. Because he’s immediately asking about the fire. But that still doesn’t jive with their season two story. But whatever.)

Parting Thoughts

Anyway, the spin off fails. Now what? Do they keep trying to make this guy fit?

Thankfully, no. They give him an eight-episode send off. He can go out trying to get the truth to Liz. It’s super tragic. And they’ll use that to impact Liz and Red’s relationship again. 

They never fully redeemed Tom. They put a bandaid of ‘love’ on his character. But continued writing warning after warning coming out of Red’s mouth about how Tom would do what he does. Tom won’t change. Tom is reckless and dangerous, etc… And they actually showed Tom being reckless and dangerous. So at least it kind of fits. 

The writers let their love for this character taint everything else. I don’t think there’s any way to heal the damage done to Liz’s character, as I don’t think they even realize there’s damage. But at least he’s finally gone. 

I’m mildly hopeful. 

And look, this is me. I’m sure the vast majority of fans don’t feel this way. Don’t remember half of any of Tom’s stories. So, yeah. 

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #147: Crisis on Other-Earth

May, 1976

Which is, of course, a riff on DC’s Crisis on Earth-Whatever type stories. Where superheroes cross universes to team up. Or fight, in this case. Because Marvel.

A good cover that feels like it fits into that whole Crisis on Earth-Whatever type story. Really tries to hook you in. Serpent Crown? War Against the World? Squadron Sinister (no they’re explicitly not the Squadron Sinister, they’re the Squadron Supreme but they are acting kinda sinister grah)? The rest of the Avengers holding the line so Wanda can escape with the crown? Tell me more.

Last time: the Avengers Captain America (not technically on the team right now), Iron Man, the Vision, Scarlet Witch, Beast (on a trial membership), and Hellcat (Patsy Walker doing a ride-along, found a supersuit and went hells yes I want to be a superhero) were investigating the sinister Brand Corporation when they were captured by the Squadron Supreme (thinly-veiled parodies of the Justice League FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE). The Avengers busted out, escaped some missiles, and prepared to fight the Squadron again when Roxxon president Hugh Jones sent both teams back to the Squadron’s world.

And that’s where we pick back up.

Dr. Spectrum wastes no time getting the ‘donneybrook’ started, blasting the Avengers with his Power Prism. But Iron Man shoves Hellcat and Beast out of the way and takes the attack.

Hellcat is the second into the fray, jump kicking Hyperion right in the face and then dodging his reprisal punchies, musing how the suit has heightened her natural athleticism.

Also good on you, Patsy, for immediately picking the biggest person and kicking him in the face. You’ll go far in this biz, kid. Then you’ll die. Then you’ll come back to life again. And then you’ll get your own book where you start a superpowered temp agency.

The Whizzer proves that superspeed is only as good as the user by rushing straight at Iron Man and getting repulsored for his lack of tactics.

And Vision shoves a hand right through Lady Lark, intangible pain style, to take her out of the fight. Lady Lark is kind of a glass cannon. Her sonic song is pretty OP but she’s not that hard to knock out.

Golden Archer takes exception to Vision hurting his ‘bird’ but then Cap throws his mighty shield and it hits him in the stomach so he kinda has to yield.

And Scarlet Witch makes good of her recent powerup by using scarlet witchcraft to turn Dr. Spectrum’s Power Prism against him.

But then the military arrives. Army helicopters, tanks and troops, oh my! Even Airforce Whichever One Is The Helicopter.

(Sadly Hellcat’s daring ‘Kick the Superman-Ersatz in the face’ strategy did not end well, with Hyperion putting the literal squeeze on Hellcat and also Beast who joined her at some point)

Because of Different Universe, the president of these United States is Nelson Rockefeller. And he’s wearing the Serpent Crown DUN DUN DUN!

Even though its an incredibly powerful and dangerous artifact, it still makes for an absolutely ridiculous hat.

Cap recognizes the Serpent Crown from Captain America and the Falcon #181 where the Serpent Squad used it on Hugh Jones (Roxxon President) so they could use his oil rig to raise Lemuria from the sea. Lemuria being some Atlantis type dealie and the crown being from there and also EVIL. Luckily, Nomad And Definitely Not Captain America, stopped their schemes.

The takeaway is that the crown is bad news. Which Vision reads loud and clear and immediately ghosts.

Just intangibles right behind President Rockefeller and swipes the crown from him. And then tosses the arcane obscenity to Scarlet Witch.

She threatens to destroy it if the president doesn’t call off his goony goons. Which he does. Sort of desperately. And allows the Avengers to run off with the crown while everyone glares at them impotently.

After they’ve gone, President Rockefeller does a cross-universal psychic telephone call.

Because here is the thing: the thing is this: all Serpent Crowns are the same Serpent Crown and they’re all manifestations of the single nethermind. So anyone that wears a crown in whatever universe becomes the crown’s servant forever, linked with whoever else wore the crown in whatever universe.

Pretty terrifying for a gaudy hat.

So Rockefeller reaches out to contact Hugh Jones (Roxxon President) who is at the moment doing damage control over all those missiles that exploded the roof of the Brand facility.

But apparently having actual missiles launch through your roof doesn’t merit more than a verbal reprimand because Colonel Buzz Baxter just promises that they’ll put better controls on their next missiles and the police leave just like that.

This world is corrupt.

Interestingly, the narration makes a point that in the Squadron World, bereft as it is of a Nixon, nobody could suspect that a president is up to no good. Even though he wears a snake crown in public.

Meanwhile, some sunbathers have their rays blocked by Vision and Iron Man flying overhead. Even though they were sunbathing, they are apparently up on current events and recognize the two as some of the ‘aliens’ that were rioting downtown and go to report it.

Meanwhile again at street level, all the not as cool kids who can’t fly are just trundling along. Scarlet Witch, Cap, Hellcat, and Beast.

Although. Beast has been an ape, a lion, a horse-faced lion, and an ape again. Maybe his random mutations through mammalia will make him into a bat. And then he can be a beautiful blue flying garbage man.

I digress. It’s practically all I do aside from synopsizing in an irreverent manner.

Scarlet Witch has been probing the crown with her witch senses, I guess. Knowing instinctively not to put it on, its evil power is still wearing on her. Like a One Ring. Or <insert corruptive evil artifact of choice here>.

But she has determined that this particular corruptive evil artifact has crowned the heads of all the Squadron’s world’s major conglomerates at one time or another. And with its mesmerizing power, banded them all together psychically to take control of the government and big business.

Hence why Rockefeller is president, since his family is as big business in this world as in the 616 (and our world).

But the Avengers get so involved in this conversation about how there was no big moment when evil took control, just a gradual change-over, that they don’t notice Wanda has collapsed, and just walk on without her.

Vision notices though because of course he does.

Meanwhile and actually meanwhile for a change, the Current West. Thor, Hawkeye, Moondragon, and Two-Gun Kid arrive back in the present. Hawkeye even found his shirt again at some point.

While Two-Gun marvels that the Current West looks just the same as the Old West, Hawkeye Explains. The reason he’s leaving the Avengers this time is because while he was in the past, he realized he really dug the western scene. And being a bow-and-arrow man will make more sense out here than in Manhattan, Hawkeye claims. He’s not quitting though. He just won’t be around. But if they really need him, give him a call.

I think he just wants to play cowboy for a while longer.

Anyway, he and Two-Gun head off to catch some wild cayuses.

And Moondragon wants to Real Talk with Thor.

BUT WHOOPS SCENE IS CHANGING OH WELL

While the rest of the Avengers walked on, Vision swooped down to check on Wanda Witch. And the Serpent Crown really is like a One Ring or a horcrux because Wanda starts shouting at Vision that he’s a cold, unfeeling computer that never cared about her.

To his credit, Vision realizes immediately that this is the crown’s influence and suggests that maybe he take it for a while to reduce the burden slash influence on her.

She doesn’t take kindly to him trying to take her precioussss so she blows him up and runs off, intending to return to the president.

Meanwhile, Hyperion slums it with Golden Archer and Lady Lark. Just casually sauntering like non-flying people do. What a lark, if you’ll forgive the expression, Lady Lark. One leg in front of the other, how zany.

What isn’t zany is Lady Lark and Golden Archer having a big relationship fight. Time and place, guys. Time and place. It kind of darkly foreshadows some tragic stuff that happens in the Squadron Supreme maxi-series though.

Hyperion just doesn’t understand Earth’s courting rituals but reassures himself that as the Earth’s most powerful superhero, it’s impossible for him to become interested in women.

Which again kind of darkly foreshadows some stuff from the maxi-series, where Hyperion’s evil duplicate kills Wonder Woman-ersatz’s husband because he wants to be with her.

Geez. Knowing what happens in that maxi-series makes a lot of earlier appearances of the Squadron that tiniest bit harder to read.

Okay. So the takeaway is that the Squadron are people with their own problems and are not cackling mustache twirling supervillains.

And also that Hyperion runs smack dab into Scarlet Witch just when he’s talking about his disinterest in women. Just the woman they were looking for and such.

Except Vision was right behind her and he is pissed.

And now its time to show that Vision has one of the most effective powersets in Marvel comics, at least whenever he’s not being instantly taken out by cape devices so he won’t single-handedly solve everything forever.

Hyperion rushes in, peeved that Vision copped that tone with him.

And bounces off Vision who had switched to his high density form.

He then goes intangible so that Golden Archer’s detonation arrow flies right through him.

Lady Lark goes to sing but Vision just Solar Beams her, knocking her out.

So Golden Archer uses his ultra-sonic siren arrow (which is kind of like having Lady Lark in convenient arrow form as far as her actual participation in fights goes). The ultra-sonics stun Vision long enough for Hyperion to CRUMP him with a light pole. And then wrap it around him to tie him up.

Meanwhile, ‘a greater war is being waged’ as the Scarlet Witch has a battle of wills against the evil consciousness behind the Serpent Crown as it tries to get her to don that crown.

As Hyperion ties up Vision, he comments that he used this against his archenemy Burbank (Not-Luthor. Because he’s much more hirsute) the first time they fought and that he has always considered it one of his best.

Vision just deadpans “How wonderful” (which I think is his version of ‘cool story bro’) and floats down into the ground, out of the pretzeled streetlight. BECAUSE DENSITY CONTROL!

And then he pops up and Solar Beams Golden Archer.

Its Super Effective.

Because, yes. I do have to make that joke every time.

Hyperion is pretty fed up by this point. Or really, at every point of this encounter. And he gives a pretty neat badass boast while BLAM! and BOM!ing Vision around.

Unfortunately, Vision counters with his own badass boast. And he who boasts last boasts best, probably.

Hyperion: “You -- humbled me, Avenger -- something no man or creature has ever done -- or will ever do -- a second time! I AM HYPERION -- sent to Earth to become its greatest champion -- more powerful than the crashing surf -- able to fly, to see thru walls, bend titanium with my bare hands! I am invincible -- invulnerable!”

Vision: “Are you, Hyperion? Even when you face -- THE UNEARTHLY POWERS OF THE VISION?! There is no material object I cannot enter -- and disrupt!”

And down goes Hyperion.

Lady Lark has recovered her senses by this point. And sort of rolls her eyes at the men telling her to stay out of the fight, men that at this point have fallen like rag dolls.

She goes to do the one thing that she do. But Wanda punches her in the back of the head.

The narration even sort of bemoans Lady Lark’s lot in life.

Poor Lady Lark! It’s always a gamble with her super-power: will she sing her song of inevitable victory--? --Or will her opponents silence her first, and save themselves?

Anyway, Scarlet Witch is back to herself, obviously. Either that or the crown really doesn’t like Lady Lark for some reason.

But, no. She’s back in full control over her facilities.

Some part of her refused to submit to the Serpent Crown’s mental coercion. Either the inner strength of a true witch or her mutant soul or maybe being a stubborn cuss.

Vision proposes that instead it was love because that’s the kind of romantic fool Vision is, despite his computer brain and logics. He just really believes in the power of love over ancient evil crowns.

And then they kiss.

Which will get the Scarlet Vision (I personally like the ship name ‘Seeing Red’) fans hype.

And like the past several many pages of action scene didn’t even happen, Vision offers again to carry the evil crown. He doubts that it can influence his beep boop robot mind but even if it can, LOVE WILL SAVE HIM!

Also, they just walk off leaving Hyperion, Golden Archer, and Lady Lark lying unconscious in the street. But what are brightly primary colored costumes for if not to prevent people from accidentally running you over when you’re lying unconscious in the road?

And that’s how Vision soloed Superman, Green Arrow, and Black Canary.

Next time, the rest of the Avengers get their chance to fight some ersatzes some more.

Hey, follow me @essential-avengers, why not? Its the dedicated side-tumblr just for this liveblog. Send me Avengers questions or share your own thoughts on the issues I’ve been covering!

[fesahaawit]

Is It Ever Okay To Lie To Your Spouse About Money?

[Hey guys! Another Friday, another great post by a fine blogger out there! Up today is nomad friend of mine, Laura Grace Tarpley, who blogs about travel hacking over at LetsGoTarpley.com and shares her experience lying/not lying to her husband ;) Perhaps you have found yourself in this situation as well over the years? Let us know how you cope with it in the comments!]

***********

Should I lie to my husband?

Whenever faced with this question in the past, the answer was always a clear “no.”

But what if it’s for his own good?

Do you ever have this internal crisis? When you know you shouldn’t lie to your spouse, but if it’ll benefit them in the long run you feel like it’s maybe okay?

In my case, the temptation to lie came from a simple cultural norm: setting a budget.

I started thinking about revamping my budget around the end of December as New Years was approaching. My love for NY’s could be attributed to the fact that I am straight-up addicted to making goals and bettering myself, and I love having an excuse to make resolutions.

I suffer from serious anxiety, and despite the medication I’m taking, the best way for me to reduce stress is to make daily, weekly, monthly, and annual to-do lists. The glee that comes from checking something off my to-do list is indescribable.

In 2018, I wanted to focus on the financial aspect of my life. My husband and I have moved around a lot since 2014, but we have recently settled in a town where we’ll reside for at least the next two years. Our incomes and expenses are pretty stable, so I would love for our financial lives to be stable, too.

Although I hadn’t made any firm decisions, I considered some areas to focus on before bringing up the topic to my husband. I wanted to set a goal for how much we would put into our savings account this year. I was hoping to increase our IRA contributions as well, even if only slightly.

I was excited to discuss these topics with him and plan our year, setting ourselves up for financial success! Once we agreed to take a few minutes to discuss our finances for 2018, here’s how the conversation went:

Me: “How much do you want to save for retirement each month?”

Him: “Well, we aren’t making more this year than we did last year. So we should probably just keep it the same for now.”

Me: “Okay… Do you want to set a savings goal for 2018?”

Him: “Not really. We are in good shape as far as our savings go. I think as long as we keep actively putting money into it, we’re good.”

Me: “Okay… Wow, look at that pretty tree.”

And that was it.

My husband and I are surprisingly similar in many areas of our lives. We both love eating weird food, watching Twin Peaks, traveling, and cuddling with our corgi puppy, Tuna.

But in one major area, we are vastly different. While I have anxiety problems, he most certainly does not. In fact, he has ADHD. As a result, he is very much a “fly by the seat of your pants” type of guy. Too much planning stresses him out, so he just goes with the flow. The downside of this ADHD is that he has trouble focusing on any one thing at a time, or sitting down to get something accomplished without getting distracted by something shiny.

So here we are, two people with hormonal imbalances that have the complete opposite effect on each other. And we have to live together.

In many ways, these differences help us balance each other out. But when it comes to a matter that is really important to only one of us, like my desire to set financial goals, the other one simply can’t relate. We tend to have trouble understanding one another’s needs.

For this reason, I was seriously debating lying to my husband. Well, maybe not lying, per se. Just withholding information from him.

What if I just increased my monthly automatic IRA contribution a smidgen? Would he notice? Just five dollars a month could make all the difference since we’re 25 and have plenty of time for compound interest to kick in. And it would probably eliminate a fight too, while at the same time giving us a little more money to our names.

Besides, if I die, my retirement savings are legally his anyways as he’s my beneficiary! Therefore, increasing my contribution can only help him too!

And what if I set a goal for how much extra savings I want to add into our account as well for the year? If we don’t set a goal or automate anything, we might just forget to do it at all. Then when we go to buy a house in a couple of years we’ll be kicking ourselves for not having anything extra saved. I could set up an annual goal for us within minutes, and then auto-deposit a certain amount every month.

As a freelance writer and independent contractor teaching English as a second language, my income varies monthly. My husband wouldn’t even notice any discrepancy between what I earn and what goes into our checking account.

But I know, I know… Lying is bad! Communicating poorly in a marriage is also bad, especially when it’s done deliberately. But I did it anyways…

Over the past couple months, I’ve gradually, secretly, been putting a little cash at a time into a shoebox of mine in our apartment. I call it the “Travel Shoebox.”

We’re taking a four-day trip to Maine next month, and while we’ve already paid for our plane tickets and accommodations, spending money on unnecessary items and experiences while traveling really stresses my husband out. So I wanted to surprise him with a little extra money that I’d been setting aside specifically for our trip. This way, he wouldn’t have to worry about spending any of this “fun money.”

I finally fessed up a couple of days ago, and when I told him that I’d already accumulated $130 in this shoebox he was thrilled! I told him it wasn’t much, but at least enough for us to enjoy some delicious, buttery lobster and a few drinks, if nothing else.

When he asked where this money came from, I told him I had secretly been stashing some it away and he just laughed jovially. He wasn’t upset at all. Of course he wasn’t! I hadn’t done this with the intention of lying, I had done it with the intention of surprising him.

This experience has made me consider “surprising him” again at the end of 2018. Except, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be for him. It would be for me.

I mean, it would benefit both of us financially, but it would be more for my own peace of mind. This is the power that comes with being the one who handles the finances in the family. I deal with the details and then update him occasionally with the bigger picture. As a result, I am able to kind of do whatever I want.

It’s not like I’m racking up credit card debt or gambling away our money. I’m just trying to make us more financially secure, you know?

And again – these little white lies work in his favor. If I have more in my retirement savings, it would greatly benefit him when we are both 70 years old. What’s mine is his. We share everything, including our money. If I vow to put a certain amount into our savings account, well, he would have a more stable portfolio! We could even make a larger down payment on a house in 2020.

But here’s the reason I’m hesitant.

Lying to my husband, no matter how sensible and well-meaning my intentions might be, is basically saying, “Hey. I know we both have our hormone imbalances, but my imbalance is more important than your imbalance.”

My anxiety wins out. My obsession with making resolutions, goals, and lists also wins. His fun, go-with-the-flow attitude loses. It’s basically saying that I’m more valuable than he is.

I just don’t know if I can justify it at the end of the day. It might also mean actually having to do something much more difficult than long-term savings or planning – it might mean starting a conversation about our finances that could lead to a fight!

But you know what? I went for it.

After a lot of deliberation, I was compelled to approach my husband and just lay it all out on the table. I asked if he was okay with me putting away more money into my IRA than he was, and I also asked if he minded if I set a savings goal for us in 2018.

The conversation ended like this:

Him: “Of course I don’t mind. Thank you for asking me first.”

Me: “I think I’d like to put [insert amount here] into savings in 2018.”

Him: “Okay.”

Me: “What do you think, more or less? Or do you not care?”

Him: “I don’t care.” [Goes back to playing computer games]

And that’s why I should never lie to my husband! As someone with ADHD, he can easily adjust his mindset at the drop of a hat if he so chooses. Life’s sudden changes are never a big deal to him. I on the other hand with all my anxiety, build things up into huge decisions and then nervously anticipate a fight.

But as this whole ordeal shows, talking things through can make all the difference in the world. And what might turn into a fight the longer something’s hidden, could all be avoided by just throwing it out there and respecting each other’s worth.

The above conversation probably took less than five minutes, and then just like that it was over. But more importantly, at the end of it we were finally on the same page!

****** Laura Grace Tarpley is a nomad and freelance writer who runs the blog Let’s Go Tarpley!, where she shares tips about budget travel and moving abroad. In her free time, she tinkers with crossword puzzles and plays with her corgi puppy, Tuna. You can follow her on Twitter @lgtarpley.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: As someone with ADHD myself, I totally relate to the husband here ;) I’m so much easier to work with going with the flow than trying to plan out my life years/months/weeks into the future, haha… So I’m glad you figured it out early in your relationship, Laura Grace! It’ll make things sooo much smoother in the future for sure… And you also can know that if we ever get sad or mad or jealous or anything, that THAT only lasts but a handful of seconds too until we move right on to the next emotion that captures our attention ;) So yay all around! (Although I am curious how people of the *same* mentality and hormones handles this type of stuff in relationships? Like, if you were BOTH $$$ lovers/ planners or both ADHD – how does that work? I feel like it’s kinda nice to be opposite for easier division of responsibilities and better balancing so you don’t get too hardcore one way or the other, but I’ve also never been in one of these relationships before, haha… Anyone care to chime in and share?)]

Is It Ever Okay To Lie To Your Spouse About Money? posted first on http://lionelcapital.blogspot.com

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #129: Bid Tomorrow Goodbye!

November, 1974

KANG GROWS GIGANTIC! VISION SHOOTS HIS NIPPLE WITH HIS HERETOFORE UNKNOWN HAND ZAP POWERS WHILE IRON MAN VEERS AWAY IN DISGUST FROM KANG’S ARMPIT!

Or maybe its just symbolic.

So last time: Well Scarlet Witch beat Necrodamus and there was a lot of relationship drama but the relevant information is that a star appeared above Avengers Mansion and then Kang showed up, ready and raring to be the worst.

He is at least kind enough to do a title drop in his little introductory spiel.

Thor wastes no time and just starts attacking Kang although Kang just turns it around into self-gratification saying that until this time the Avengers have always refrained from attacking until he attacked first.

Hey, idiot. That’s because you tend to sneak attack them.

Anyway, this time Kang has the MACROBOTS at his disposal. The finest in 41st century science win buttons.

The Avengers, of course, assemble but soon discover that the Macrobots reflect force back at their attackers. Even the bullshit force of Vision doing his hand job dealie or Scarlet Witch sending a hex bolt to affect the brick work behind a Macrobot counts.

The Macrobots truly are the finest in ‘the villain needs an immediate win for the story to work so here’s some weirdly undefeatable thing he won’t just use all the time.’ And no sooner can you say ‘ineffectual heroes’ the heroes are all knocked unconscious.

For good measure, Kang even paralyzes Jarvis so he can’t come to the Avengers’ rescue.

And having beaten up the Avengers through the proxy of overpowered Macrobots, Kang feels sad that he has never met men as ruthless as himself who will provide him the savage struggle he craves.

So the only thing for it is to start World War III and then rule over the few who survive on the nuclear-scarred planet.

Also now that the Avengers are unconscious, Kang decides its a great moment to exposit about the dawn star of not Bethlehem. He had read about it in the few records that survive to his crapsack future empire and knew it was coming. He only didn’t know when.

Its the reason he’s always bumming around the 20th century, swearsies. And on a previous time he got his ass handed to him by the Avengers, he hid a temporal monitor to alert him if the dawn star showed up.

Because the Dawn Star signifies the completeness of the Celestial Madonna, whatever that means.

And the records say that her mate will be the most powerful man on Earth and she’ll give birth to a god baby.

And Kang is the exact amount of petty and insecure that he hears about a woman who has an important husband and immediately tries to insert himself into the narrative.

I have to say, he got over Ravonna fairly quickly. Or not. Time travel.

Here’s the problem. The star appeared about Avengers Mansion. That would normally be a good thing because the Avengers can’t bear to have more than one woman in their clubhouse at a time. Their hormones start to sync up and their menstruation attracts bears. Its just a hassle.

But this time, the Avengers have three women living in the mansion. So one of these three women have to be the Celestial Madonna but there’s no way to be sure which one.

Its equal odds that its any of the three. Scarlet Witch, Mantis, or the woman who is clearly far beyond menopause. Yup. Any one of these three women could be the Celestial Madonna that lays the golden baby.

If only there was a way to rule out any of them. Alas.

While Kang waits for the Celestial Madonna’s identity to be revealed, he’s just going to go conquer the planet. Its something to do to fill the time.

And he teleports the Avengers away. Well. Except for Swordsman.

Kang: “You, Swordsman? You are a weakling and a blunderer -- while my plans call for powerful male Avengers! Thus, I plan nothing for you but a scornful farewell!”

Dick move, Kang. The least you could do is to kidnap him to make him feel like he’s just as valid as everyone else.

And since spite is the purest motivator, Swordsman decides he’s going to show Kang what he can do.

Except he doesn’t know where to start. And there’s so much going on in his life right now he’s having trouble even concentrating.

Thankfully, Agatha Harkness appears as a giant angry face in the sky to drop some key plot details on Swordsman. Based on the hieroglyphics she can see from the tube she’s imprisoned in, she recognizes that the Avengers are being held in the pyramid of the Pharaoh Rama-Tut.

She also adds that hey no duh she’s not the Celestial Madonna because Agatha Harkness isn’t an idiot. “Yet my Wanda and your Mantis may suffer at this savage’s hands!”

‘I’ve known her for five minutes but I love her and she’s mine.’ Weirdly possessiveness aside, Agatha was always a better parent figure to Wanda than Magnto. Sometimes the blood of the magic teacher covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Because of all the platelets.

Swordsman hurriedly checks to see if Jarvis is alright before running to take a Quinjet to Egypt. All the while brooding on his relationship with Mantis. Guy has it bad.

Like ‘spends the entire flight to Egypt lost in his thoughts and doesn’t even notice the time going by’ bad.

And because he just flew into Egyptian airspace without so much as a ‘sup’ the Egyptian air force shows up and shoots him down.

Even the narration is getting on his case by this point, asking “Why is it, do you suppose, that some men are literally born to lose?”

After he crashes, Agatha contacts the Swordsman again but the message is cut off as she screams in pain. Kang noticed that the Swordsman crashed right outside the pyramid and he could never have found it without assistance.

And Agatha had been too serene since waking up. Therefore, pain laser.

But with that taken care of, Kang decides to exposit again. This time to the Avengers as they are being treated with a paralyray.

See, he was born in the 31st century but since it was a time of peace and progress, Kang got bored and stole a time machine that he decided to remodel into a sweet flying Sphinx.

He traveled to ancient Egypt and just mighty whitied all over them to become their pharaoh. Seriously: “I rebuilt the device in the form of a Sphinx -- and traveled to Ancient Egypt, where my inexplicable appearance stunned the natives into cowed submission, just as I planned.”

Kang is the worst.

After the Fantastic Four kicked his ass, he decided to return to his own time but because he was using a time machine that did not look like a Sphinx, it goofed up and deposited him into the 41st century instead.

A DARK AND GRITTY TIME where people are sci-fi barbarians, fighting for long-forgotten causes with weapons they no longer comprehend. And then Kang threw his imperialistic weight around until he was the boss.

But he got bored of that too so decided to pick fights with superheroes. And then they kicked his ass. Multiple times.

Mantis and Scarlet Witch challenge Kang, saying if he wants a fight they’ll kick his ass. He responds that once he figures out which one of them is the Celestial Madonna, the other two won’t survive long (MEANING HE STILL THINKS AGATHA HARKNESS IS A VIABLE CANDIDATE).

He also speculates that maybe a closer examination (don’t be skeevy, Kang) will provide a clue.

Meanwhile, the Swordsman. It turns out that breaking into pyramids is one of his many skills.

Yup. Back when he was bumming around taking on any job, he robbed a pyramid or two.

I love that what Swordsman brings to the table is not just great sword skills, a swashbuckling attitude, and enough insecurity to make Hawkeye jealous. He also has a bunch of less than legit skills. He’s like the team rogue. But not the team Rogue. Only bad Avengers rosters have one of her, unfortunately.

And then he runs into a goddamn vampire.

Like an honest to god vampire. Its revealed in a couple pages that the vampire is Amenhotep, who Kang forced to drink the nectar of the undead. Perhaps to guard the pyramid or more likely for shits and giggles.

And Swordsman is in such a fragile emotional state right now that he just snaps and goes ‘okay vampires so then I guess I’m Conan the barbarian’ and is the happiest he has been in days.

“Ha! Die, by Crom!” He stabs the vampire through the skull.

I like that Swordsman is apparently a fan of Robert E. Howard. I mean, I figure he’s a bit of a closet dork for stuff like that and Errol Flynn. His desire to be a swashbuckler must come from somewhere.

Unfortunately, big, red, demonic vampires are apparently not perturbed by swords through the brain. As another scarlet vampire once said, “Humans are the only ones who need simple chemical thought centers such as brains.”

So Amenhotep is still trying to get at Swordsman’s throast. Until a platoon of Egyptian soldiers busts in to arrest Swordsman. Remember. Violating air space?

And the vampire makes a snap decision between one man or a platoon and he has gone 5,000 years without eating. So he abandons Swordsman and attacks the platoon.

And as Swordsman tries to stand up in a daze, he falls through a secret passage. And then he sees a spooky sarcophagus and runs down a tunnel, by chance finding Kang’s control center. But behind him, unseen, the sarcophagus begins to open.

We’re mixing a whole lot of genres right now.

Kang watches Amenhotep killing the platoon before foolishly straying out into the sunlight and dying. He hadn’t been watching during Swordsman’s encounter with the vampire so he just assumes the Avenger is dead, the first victim of Firebrand the Vampire.

Anyway, he has work to do. The paralyrays have finally completed their work. Kang has the three captive male Avengers placed in his Macrobots, to power them up further. The exposure to parlyrays means that the Avengers will be helpless to try to escape. Even Iron Man who recently upgraded his armor to avoid this exact situation by making it partially mind controlled. Dang.

And with Kang’s three souped up Macrobots, nothing will be able to stop them from starting WORLD WAR III!

No, not the one with farting aliens. The one with a time traveling guy who wants to force a woman to marry him because half of a record says she’s destined to give birth to an awesome baby.

Within hours, Kang will have struck down the world’s greatest leaders and the resulting chaos will inflame the world. Both in temperaments and also literally as the world will catch on fire from all the nukes.

From his peeping perch, Swordsman scowls and decides to put one sword blast in the back of Kang’s head. To save the world. And because Kang is a dick.

But suddenly someone grabs Swordsman and pulls him away from his shot at Kang and yells that he must not destroy Kang!

A suddenly someone who introduces himself as... RAMA-TUT!?

But if Kang is Rama-Tut and he’s in the next room then who is flying the plane??

... Dammit, time travel!

Stay tuned! As another time traveler once said, “This is where it gets complicated.”

Next time the Celestial Madonna Saga continues in Giant-Size Avengers #2.