#but i need real food and lots of it to not pass out migraine lightheaded kms. ugh

[sodrippy]

not being able to eat half the major food groups is fine for me actually. eating anything sucks in general so its fine. its fine and i feel great about it.

[aconitum-genus]

Self-Preservation

Strap in my lovelies because this is a XXL rant:

I work in a retail store that sells skateboard products, clothing related to said skateboards, snowboards, jeans, t-shirts.. you get the idea. We even offer to grip and/or build the skateboard in store for absolutely no charge.

Now I’m not complaining about the store. I love working there. I want to eventually work in their corporate office, but my heart broke yesterday.

We are a commission based company with regular hourly pay which means that sales are SUPER important. Every month, we are expected to be above the average set at the beginning of said month and I, being the competitive bitch I am, always strive to beat everyone, but something happened that turned my stomach.

There is this guy named Steven (not his real name; privacy reasons). He is best friend with my manager, Nathan (again not his really name). These two guys have known each other for YEARS and act like they are practically brothers. I though nothing of it when I first met him on Black Friday. He seemed chill, relaxed, and always trying to make people laugh. The second time we worked together something had changed. He was abrupt, cold, and was acting like I wasn’t really there.

No worries, I thought to myself! He probably doesn’t know me, but every shift was the same. I just didn’t understand what I had done. Did I say something? Did I act a certain way? I was really confused.

I gave up on my proagitive of trying to gain his acceptance and just aimed to be cordial around him. That didn’t work so well. If some of you don’t know, I have Lupus SLE. The most basic definition - “Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) is an autoimmune disease. In this disease, the immune system of the body mistakenly attacks healthy tissue. It can affect the skin, joints, kidneys, brain, and other organs.”

The symptoms that I was having were the following:

- Muscle and joint pain

- Migraine

- Hot then cold

- Nausea, can’t eat at all

- Super hungry, like I can’t get enough food

- Tingling in wrists and cheeks

- Ache in left arm

- Left wrist pain

- Lower and upper back pain is always present

- Hands and feet feel cold

- Heart racing or beating out of my chest

- Chest pain

- Tietze syndrome

- Pain on left side of body

- Cracking or crunching sounds when I move

- Lightheadness

- Fainting spells

- Shortness of breathe

- Fatigue

I’m doing much better now. I’m on chemotherapy and medication that is helping, but no one knew the extent of what I was going through at the time. I mean why would I say that in an interview? People are predujiced. “Why hire a sick person when I could hire a healthy one?”

Anyway, the first incident was when I went to my shift with a cold. Now being on chemo, my immune system is shot so upper respiratory infections are not to be taken lightly. While I was unloading shipment, I felt my airway closing. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it knocking against my sternum. I needed to go to the hospital. NOW.

I grabbed my manager and told her in my low wheezing voice, “Please. *short spurting and wheezing inhale* I need to call my mom. *Another short wheezing inhale* Hospital.” I was holding onto a display table because I could feel the blood swimming in my head. She excused me immediately and my mom took me to the ER where I was diagnosis with a very mild case of pneumonia. If you think that’s bad, look up pneumonia in lupus patients.

That same night, while I WAS ON AN OXYGEN MASK mind you, I get a text from one of my closest coworkers saying that Steven was talking shit. I was confused and asked her what happened? She goes on to explain that he sent her a picture of all work they were left to do because “poor fucking Allison had an “asthma” attack.” I was livid. I told her that I was ER with pneumonia on oxygen. I felt unfairly judged and ashamed of my illness.

I decided not to say anything and just have it roll off my shoulders until I noticed that some of my sales weren’t accounted for. Hmm, that’s strange. I know that I definitely sold that to this person and this one etc. I did some investigating and guess what? Steven had been stealing my sales. This time, I wasn’t going to let it go. I printed up the reports, highlighted the pages along with notes in the margins about what had transpired and took it in to my manager the next day.

“Hey Nathan, can I talk to you?”

“Sure Allison, what’s up?”

“Well, I just wanted to let you know that last night Steven stole two of my sales and one of Yvette’s (not real name, blah blah, you get the idea).”

“Oh well maybe he didn’t see you talking them?”

“I actually went up to him before I took my lunch break and told him that customer X and Y were getting these, but were still looking around.”

He then inquired about Yvette’s sale which he seemed to be a lot more interested in.

“It also made me very uncomfortable when he..”

“Well if you feel uncomfortable, then maybe you need to rethink your position and ask yourself if this job is really right for you. Can you work more than a four hour shift? Can you work a six, seven, or eight hour shift? Plus, you’re both adults and should handle it. There shouldn’t be this negative environment that is being created so you need to ask yourself if this is really the right place for you.”

“I come in whenever you ask me to..”

“But you also leave a lot. I understand you have health problems, but you can’t say that you come in all the time only to leave.”

At this point, I was gritting my teeth. Blocking everything out. I decided then that he didn’t care about helping me, only protecting Steven.

About three months past and Steven and I were tolerating each other until I notice that at $133 sale is missing from my stats. Greattttt. It’s happening again. I printed it out and began writing down exactly what happened. I told my assistant manager about this and she said that she saw what happened. She said she had talked to Nathan before about having everyone come in to talk about this, but he blew it off and said it was “fucking dumb.” I held it in. I waited because I knew that our district manager was coming that Saturday. I was going to tell her because Nathan didn’t seem to take it seriously.

The day arrives and I’m excited. I grab my papers and show her once I arrive. She makes small talk and my dumbass accidentally lets slip that I have lupus. Her eyes widen and I think I’m fucked only to find out that she knew someone with lupus, but she didn’t know about it until they quit the job. I then tell her about the whole predujiced issue blah blah blah and the Steven problem and then head off to my shift where I fucking kill it. In the first two hours, I made over $1,600 for the store. I was loving life because I was impressing the god damn district manager.

I went to break and returned to have Nathan talk to me. I thought oh no. He said that he wanted to apologize for being an asshole for the past two months and that he appreciated me blah bullshit bullshit bullshit. He then brought up the talk I had with the DM about Steven stealing sales. I proceed to give him the document and he said he’d investigate. He then starts to tell me that I crowd the register by looking at my stats constantly and that creates distrust. I told him that I couldn’t trust Steven because this has happened twice already and yet again he proceeds to berate me about my illness and if this is the right place for me. I listen silently while tears rolled down my face. While Nathan was talking, Steven was walking in and out of the room getting items and seeing my tears. After the rant is over he says:

“Why’re you down right now?” At this point, I start bawling.

“Because I give my all for this job. Every single comment or criticism I take as an opportunity to grow. Every lesson that I’m given, I keep going until I pass it. This job doesn’t cause me pain. Some days, I wake up in pain when I’m not working, but I still come in because that’s how dedicated I am to be here. I know that I’ve left a few times, but I haven’t left early since late February.”

Silence.

“I was laying in my bed for two years before I came here and I know that’s not an excuse, but there’s a certain adjustment period. I couldn’t run before because my knees felt like they would give out and break. I couldn’t stand for longer than 45 seconds because my heart would beat out my chest and make me faint. I couldn’t sleep for days because the narcotics weren’t working. I still have those days, but I come in to help and when I see that my stats are going down, it upsets me because I’ve work incredibly hard to be here. I love this job more than anything and I will not quit just because I’m in pain.”

“Alright. I understand. I’ll do some investigating and see what I find out.”

I dry my eyes and hold my head high thinking that I’ve convinced him only to later find out I was gossiped about.. again.

Steven to Yvette,” Time to go steal some sales.”

Steven,” Yeah I think she got in trouble for “telling”. *laughs*

When I saw the messages that my friend sent to me, I felt nothing. I was numb. I knew then that I was never going to let anyone know what was really going on. Never let anyone know if I was in some much pain that I would pass out until I collapsed on their floor or that I was not getting the sales that were mine. I hid back into myself and made the decision to go to work the next day being as happy as fuck. I would continue being this way so if there was any drama, they wouldn’t be looking at the girl who never complains.

I decided to preserve myself from getting hurt any further, create a persona, and only focus on my goal. No one was going to fuck with my livelihood. I’d make sure of that. If they do, I’ll fucking destroy them.