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wendystales · 4 years ago

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Memories - lrh (Chapter Five)

Memories (also available on Wattpad)

Chapter Four ※※※※※ Chapter Six

Noah parks the car in front of a beautiful house. My stomach churns more every second and I almost throw up when Leah opens my door. I spent the whole way rehearsing what I was going to say, but in truth, I can't remember anything and I have doubts if I will even be able to say ‘hi’.

“Well, Noah's house is down the street, we'll be there. In case it goes wrong, just call, text or shout, I don't know. We come running. Now, just in case you are okay, just don't send anything.” Leah fixes my hair and coat.

“Good luck!” Noah gives me a kiss on the cheek, before they get in the car.

I take a deep breath about five times before I press the bell. I hear the house door open and I almost pass out. Seconds later the gate opens and I feel my pressure drop slightly.

“Marnie? How did you get here?” he looks for a car, but the twins are gone.

“The wonder twins brought me.” I shrug.

“Why are you here?” he doesn't look happy or sad to see me.

“Hm, I need to talk to you. About the two of us, more precisely.” I press my fingers against each other, noticing my trembling.

“Okay, do you need help to get in?” he asks pointing to the boot on my foot. I accept the help and with support I enter his house.

I stand in the hall while he closes the door. We head to the kitchen, where he offers me a drink, but I refuse. If I drink something now, I’m sure I’ll get it out.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” he asks with a fake smile.

“Do you know.” I speak softly and awkwardly.

“About your meeting with Stephen? Yeah, I know.” he raises his eyebrows quickly, before opening a bottle of water.

“Luke …” I start, but he interrupts me.

“What? Isn't that what I'm thinking? Or was he the one who kissed you?” Luke doesn't change his tone of voice, but it still hurts. I am even ashamed to say that it was both alternatives.

“I really had no intention, he took advantage of the moment.” I try to defend myself.

“Yes, Marnie, that's what he does, what he's always done and what he's always going to do.” he look at me upset.

“Please try to understand me, I needed to see him, I needed to talk to him.” I'm starting to despair. It looks like it will come to nothing.

“The worst thing is that I understand, Marnie. I don't know how things are in your head, but if you needed it, we would arrange it, because all we want to do is help you.” he hits the bottle against the island's hail.

“I never wanted any of this to happen.” I look back at him after a while. “Both the accident and Stephen. If I had my head in place, I wouldn't have let any of that happen. Sorry.” Luke cuts eye contact and stares at the floor. “I never meant to hurt you.” I whisper. “And I will understand if you hate me for the rest of your life. Believe me, I hate myself a lot now.” I finish.

Luke lets out a humorless laugh and I notice his teary eyes.

“That's the problem, Marnie. Since I saw you, I try to hate you and I can't, you must know why.” he throws the ball back to me.

Cause he love me. I look away, not being able to sustain it. I know the answer, that's the shit. I sit on the stool facing the glass door leading to his garden. Luke sits next to me and we stay like that for a few minutes.

“I just don't want him to manipulate you, or hurt you. Marnie, I know how this story still moves you, how it is still hurt. I don't want to have to see you go through this again.” he vented, visibly tired.

I can't say anything for a few minutes. My mind spins at high speed. I review all my memories with Stephen at school, on the afternoons he took me to the beach or the pier and everything seemed perfect, like in a movie. I feel my heart race in nostalgia and longing. Even angry, even disgusted.

“When he kissed me …” I start, but Luke tries to interrupt me. “It didn't feel right. It wasn't him.” I finish quickly, returning to face him. His blue eyes look at me with a mixture of pain and hope. “I know I don't remember you and us yet, but something inside me knows and I want to hear that thing, but at the same time, I feel like an intruder in my own life. As if I were an impostor, the bad twin. In my head, I was going to leave everything the way it was, untouchable, so that when the ‘real me’ came back, everything was in place.” I vent.

It is horrible not to fit in with my own life, with my own self.

“What if doesn't come back?” he asks quietly.

“I freak out.” I shrug, making him laugh lightly. At least I made him laugh.

Of so many people at that intersection, of so many cars, mine had to be hit. In the midst of this confusion, if it had to happen, then I would prefer it to be a total blank, forget everything. Perhaps it was easier to start from scratch, than from a crucial point for what I have become today.

“What made you believe the story?” Luke asks quietly.

“I wrote in my diary, shortly after we met and probably I tell you. Everything that happened that day.” my throat closes when I remember the written words. “It was hard to believe my mother, because I know she couldn't stand him, but I couldn't help but believe me.”

“I thought you stopped with the diary.” I look at him confused “That's what you said to me, a while after you told me about the day and about the diary.”

“Did you read the diary?” I ask with my breath caught. I remember everything I said about him. I feel my cheeks heat up. This is what I haven't read all yet.

“No, you never left.” he shrugs. I breathe relieved.

We stayed in silence for a while longer. It is strange that even with all this hurricane, I feel very comfortable with Luke. My body recognizes him.

“Honestly, I'm trying to absorb everything. I'm upset with the kiss, but, deep down, I always knew you weren't to blame, but it still hurts. Deep down, we both know we need some time and I don't want to lock you up to me.” he speaks looking at the garden.

I look at him confusedly.

“Are we breaking up?” I don't know if that's what I wanted.

“It doesn't have to be an end, just a break.” he shrugs.

“Luke, a break, is a disguised ending.” again he laughs, I don't know why.

“Deep down, you're still the same Marnie, even though you feel like an intruder.” he looks at me with a smile and again, I feel intimidated around him. I look away. “I don't want to break up with you, Marnie, but I know you need space and time. Like me. It's just a break, but if you meet someone and don't want to come back… I will understand and respect you.” he explains.

So it seemed easier, meeting someone new, starting from scratch. New memories, without having to stick to the past, without trying to reconstruct everything. It looks so easy, why does it seem so wrong!?

“What if you find someone?” I ask quietly, looking at the drawings of my cast, as if that were a thousand times more interesting.

“I doubt it, but if it does, I'll talk to you first and we'll see what to do. You need to get close to the people and I don't want to be a hindrance, they are your friends too and you need them.”

I need you too, hell. I bounce mentally, without the courage to say it out loud. I know I need him, but I can't make him stay if he doesn't feel comfortable.

“Won't be that weird climate? I don't want it to be that thing just because I arrived, you have to go and vice versa.” I face him. Luke watches me for a few seconds before proceeding.

“There's no reason to be. We are fine, we always have been.” he assures me.

I roll my eyes, visibly irritated. Why does he have to be so understandable? Couldn't he yell at me and hate me? It would be much easier to go on like this.

“You can't be real.” I mumble, making him laugh again, but this time louder.

“Come here.” he gets up and pulls me into a hug.

Luke was taller. Much taller. Then it got a little difficult, without being able to stay at my tiptoes. He notices and sits back down, burying his face in my neck. I close my eyes, feeling its scent bring me a sensation, but it doesn't bring me any memory.

Still hugging him, I scan his refrigerator, seeing a polaroid of ours holding Petunia, his little dog, glued to a drawing. In art, I see Luke, me, Petunia and my brothers all holding hands and several flowers around. I soften seeing that he still keeps everything.

“ I'm sorry.” I whisper again.

“It's okay, M&Ms.” he whispers back.

I leave the embrace, feeling lighter and calmer. Luke still gives me a kiss on the forehead before I pull away completely. As good as the mood was, I was not going to push my luck, I had better go. I send a message to Leah and wait.

“Er, Ash commented on a dinner on Friday, are you going?” I ask.

“Still don1t know.” he sighs. “But it is very likely. You want me to go?” he questions uncertain.

“Yes! I would like it very much. It will be good to be with everyone.”

“Then I go.” he gives a closed smile.

“Er, before I go …” I feel embarrassed again “What about Petunia?”

“Do you remember her?” question incredulously.

“It was one of the first things I remembered in PowerPoint.” I reply shy.

“Do you remember her and not me?” he remains incredulous.

“ I'm sorry.” I don't hold it for a long time, I cover my face and start laughing, really nervous. Luke stops with his hands on his hips, shaking his head.

“Michael went to hike the observatory and offered to take her. Maybe I’ll take her on Friday.” he smiles.

“Thanks!”

I hear the car and say goodbye to him. As I expected, Noah and Leah look closely at the two of us, like two curious children. Luke helps me into the car and gives me another kiss on the forehead.

“Please take good care of her.” he asks leaning against the window.

“I don't know what you mean by that.” Noah is offended. “If you still refer to the day she tried to escape and hung in the bathroom window, it was only once! And I was busy doing my feet.”

“Wait, what?” I ask scared from the back seat.

What the fuck did I hang on the bathroom window?

“Long story, I'll explain later.” Noah counters.

We said goodbye again and left. I stick my head out of the window, waving at him.

I don't know what my future is with Luke, but I was very happy that we got it right. And, deep down, I didn't lose hope, after all, I already fell in love with him once, nothing prevents it from happening again.

“So?” Leah asks.

“We took a break, but we're fine.” I smile happily.

[...]

I leave the closet wearing a black cotton dress, because it was the easiest clothes to wear, because of the boot. The hair stuck in a ponytail, due to the heat. And without makeup, I'm not into it.

“Well?” I ask Noah, who was lying on my bed reading a magazine that I was on the cover.

“Beautiful as always. Ready?” he throws the magazine on the chair, coming towards me.

“No!” I give a nervous smile.

“Everything will be fine. Everyone is crazy to see you. You will love.” he hugs me, rocking me from side to side. “Shall we go?”

I confirm after a sigh. Everyone was at Ashton's house, ready to see me, and as ready as I felt, deep down, I wasn't.

The rest of my week was quiet, few memories, but a lot of pain in my arm, but the doctor said it would be common for one day or another to hurt. My father, my mother, Leah and Ashton came to visit me almost every day and after much conversation, I convinced my mother to return to her home. So at the end of the day, I was alone. Which is great, because I have peace and quiet to put my ideas in place.

On the way to Ashton's house, I go over some points with Noah so as not to be embarrassed, I know they are not expecting much from me, but even so, I prefer to avoid constraints.

As we get closer to the house, I feel my stomach churn. I try to snap my fingers, but with a hand in a cast it doesn't give much. When we park at the door, my legs freeze and I need Noah to help me more than usual to get out of the car.

Noah rings the bell and the laughter that filled the house ceases. Ashton opens the door and, when he sees us, opens a smile, hugging me and pulling me inside. I take his arm and follow him into the living room, where everyone is standing looking at me anxiously.

Michael. Kyleen. Calum. Luke. Leah.

“Piggy!” I shout excited when she comes towards me.

“I still can't get over it.” I hear Luke speak indignantly, but I do not answer, because I am focused on that huge and cute four-legged being.

After falling apart with Petunia, I again lean on Ashton who brings me closer to them. Luke and Leah are further behind, since she practically lives with me and I’ve seen Luke before. I stick to Ash more, like a child afraid and embarrassed to talk to strangers.

“Hi!” I wave after a sigh.

Everyone gives a bigger smile and waves back. It's so weird, the way everyone looks at me, I know they know me and that's what scares me. Ashton sits me on the couch and everyone sits around me, staring at me, like I'm an alien.

“Okay, this is getting weird and uncomfortable.” I comment by holding the air.

“Sorry.” everybody talks.

“It's just… it's weird, you don't remember anything, none of those last years?” Kyleen asks curiously.

“No, no. In fact, I remembered a few things already, but in the beginning, nothing.” I give a closed smile.

“And how do the memories come? Do you have any pain?” I turn to Michael, who looks at me impressed, as if I'm a superhero of the video games that I know he plays.

“No, no pain. Do you know when you drink a lot and have a hangover that you don't remember at first and then during the day, the memories come?”

“Yes!” everyone responds, much to my surprise.

“My God! You guys drink it, huh.” I comment scared. Everyone looks at each other with a laugh. “Well, it's like that. They start popping up in my head. Sometimes out of nowhere, sometimes because of some video, photo or text.”

“Aah” they speak in unison, again.

“Any more questions?” I control the smile. My God, they really look like kids asking questions with an adult.

“Have you remembered all of us?” I look at Kyleen again. Unlike the photos, she now has several strands colored by her long hair.

I dry swallow. How to answer that without causing it?! I had remembered almost everyone but Luke. I had no direct memory of him. If he showed up, it was like an extra, deep down, far away. However, nothing he and I. Soon who I was most curious to remember.

“So-so. Nothing too direct, but everyone has already emerged in some way.” I try to answer, without being very clear.

I glance at Leah almost shouting ‘change the focus’ and luckily for me, she understands.

“What about your arm and your leg? Do they still hurt?” she shrugs.

“Not much and I made a point of reserving a space for you.” I extend the cast of my arm and in less than two minutes, everyone is proofreading to write things.

We ended up eating right there, each with a plate of pizza on your lap. I was still watching everyone, I didn't know who I was looking at, since everyone was talking together. To Noah's happiness, I remembered his hair and again Calum and I were out of breath from laughing.

In revenge, Noah commented on the day that I, drunk, tried to escape through the bathroom window and got stuck, leaving only with a lot of butter. I cover myself with the pillow when he throws the photo, my God what have I become?!

Suddenly, my mind starts to form another puzzle.

““I take a deep breath, feeling my body, especially my head, tingling. It's already the third round and I need to win again. Also because I bet with Ashton that I beat Mike and his friend, that I have no idea who he is.

I kiss the ball and throw it in the direction of the blue cup. The ball rotates around the edge and falls into the cup beside it. I shout with the whole audience at our side, celebrating. Mike turns the glass around reluctantly, while I continue my victory dance.

His friend takes the ball and plays, hitting it too. I turn the glass over, just like Michael a second ago. I blink a few times, already feeling drunk and very light. If a wind hits, I fly away, for sure.

Kiki takes the ball and closes an eye, aiming. I don't know if it's the high and mixed level of alcohol in my blood or if it really happened, but I swear I saw that little ball going in full slow motion into their last glass, signaling our victory. Three-time champions.

I raise my arms, giving, perhaps, the biggest scream I have ever given. I hug Kyleen jumping and spinning in place. However, doing this drunk is not the best option, since in a few seconds, Kiki and I were sinking into the pool.

I come back to the surface watching Mike roll over on the floor laughing and Noah looking at us both confused and angry, as always he was responsible for us. Poor boy."”

I resolve not to interrupt the conversation about the trip to Hawaii. Michael was laughing out loud as they left that Mark alone in the market. Leah once again withdraws in regret.

“Say, the sex was very good, right? Because you stayed with him for three months, something had to be really good.” Calum asks.

“Worse than not, I pretended every time.” At once, the whole room explodes in laughter. “It was a difficult time and he was always available.” she tries to justify herself. “And so complaining about it, worse than Mark just Emery.” she points to Ashton and everyone says "uuh".

“What?” I ask lost. “Was she boring?”

“Boring? Boring?” Mike raises his voice indignantly. “Luke is boring, she was unbearable.” I hold my laughter watching Luke look at Mike in offense.

“ I'm not boring.”

“Of course it is, I don't know how Marnie put up with you and your little jokes.”

“Because you never heard hers.” Luke counters and now I feel offended.

“Hey! My jokes are not bad.” I throw the cushion at him.

“Damn the jokes, let's talk bad about Emery.” Kyleen begs sly.

“I was afraid of her. She entered Calum's house by jumping over the wall, who does that?” Mike reveals.

“Was my house a pet and the hotel room in Denmark? It came out of nowhere. But nothing beats Mitch's birthday party.” Calum raises his eyebrows and once again, everyone is laughing, remembering.

“What?” but does it cost them to tell everything at once?

Noah once again takes out his cell phone and hands it to me. The video shows me and most likely Emery, tangled in a blur of hair pulling and scratching.

“That's not me.” I say in total shock to see my face very well lit.

“Oh, yes it is.” Noah answers.

“In total anger held for four long months.” Calum complete.

I watch Luke trying to get away from her, while Jack from All Time Low, tries to hold Emery. In the background I notice Calum sitting drinking, watching everything in peace. Noah was trying to get in the middle like Ashton. Leah and Kyleen shouted angrily for me to punch Emery and Michael… well.

“Who recorded this?” I ask seeing everyone pointing Michael. I look at him in awe. “Michael!”

“You wanted me to do what? I had been waiting for this moment for months.” he defends himself.

“But why did this happen?” I hand the phone back to Noah.

“Because Emery was kind of obsessive and crazy!?” Kyleen answers quietly, before drinking the beer.

“Emery never liked you and the girls, but mainly you because of our friendship. Because we were doing yoga all day. She was very jealous and you knew it, but you stayed in your corner, didn't provoke her.” Ashton responds with a grimace, perhaps knowing that the ex affair's paranoia was nonexistent. “Until that day, Emery, I don't know, freaked out and both started to argue.”

“Until you freak out and fly on her like a lioness.” Leah completes with a smile on her face.

“My God what have I become?” I sink on the couch, astonished.

“Calm down, we didn't even tell you about the time you climbed on Calum’s roof to jump into the pool and got stuck in your pants.” Michael ‘tries’ to calm me down.

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hotchley · 3 years ago

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i saw your reblog of the Spencer giving Aaron a father's day card thing and i can't stop thinking about how Aaron is the father figure to the entire team now.

(yes I'm also especially thinking about that one scene of Spencer and Derek stuck in the malfunctioning lift shrieking for Aaron just because. 🥴 dad!Hotch ftw!!!!!)

i know this concept has probably been done hundreds of times already but imagine: (SORRY THIS IS GOING TO BE A REALLY LONG ASK, I deeply apologise in advance)

[tw food/eating habits, some references to murder cases because you know this is Criminal Minds, some slight spoilers for people who haven't really watched the show and also reference & mention of autism & a character on the autism spectrum -> just a heads up, a disclaimer, I'm in no way diagnosed with autism, so if i have misrepresented autism, or made any mistakes, i apologise, it wasn't my intention, and i welcome all feedback & criticism — i genuinely want to learn]

a year after Spencer joins the BAU, Aaron notices & becomes very concerned over Spencer's (super bad) eating habits aka him only drinking coffee and forgetting to eat actual proper food when he gets absorbed in cases or research or reading etc -> which results in Aaron absolutely being like "hey Spencer let's grab lunch together" almost everyday just so Spencer eats (healthy, full meals)

(also Spencer picking up on this after Aaron "casually" gets him lunch/treats him to dinner/invites him over for meals for almost every day of the week and he was initially almost irritated/offended until he realised he could use Aaron's habit to make Aaron himself eat properly too because this hypocritical bastard doesn't eat properly himself either so every alternate day you can see Spencer purposely not going for lunch breaks while sneaking glances at Aaron's office just waiting for him to notice and drag them both to lunch together 😌)

also I really think Spencer is on the autistic spectrum (high functioning, imo, but I'm not really sure how this works, and I'd have to do more research) so I'd like to imagine Aaron knows that too because he's noticed Spencer's behaviors + Spencer got an official diagnosis and told him about it maybe 6-7 months into joining the BAU so I really think Aaron lets Spencer stim (physically, his hand gestures) on their lunch break because he knows that Spencer can't really do that in front of the others, so even when they're on cases, he would take Spencer out either for a private lunch or dinner or something, just the two of them, and he'd let Spencer stim & talk about any subject of his fancy as much as he wants to (I'm pretty sure someone wrote a fic like this and I absolutely can't remember the name or the author but I really LOVED the idea too)

initially Spencer was really taken aback too, because you know, this isn't something you do with your boss, of all people, but Hotch had always meant what he says and his facial expression and body language suggested that he was being absolutely sincere and serious about this, so Spencer tentatively started talking, and as their meal progressed, he eventually got comfortable enough to just go on, and not once did Aaron cut him off rudely, until the end of their meal, when Aaron couldn't continue to pretend to drink his soup because he'd finished it somehow with those incredibly small spoonfuls, and he'd had to gently tell Spencer that they had to go back, but Spencer wasn't upset, because he'd just got over an hour to talk about this recent seminar about the connection of ancient Greek mythology to the developments of the society in ancient Greece which no one had ever done for him before and he's full, satisfied and beyond elated because Hotch really didn't have to do this, but he did anyways

at first it was just something between them but eventually Derek noticed & like in the end I think it's a kind of open secret between Aaron, Spencer & Derek and now when Derek notices Aaron doing it he gives Aaron a small nod and he wards off & deals with the questions that the others have when they inevitably notices the private meals Aaron & Spencer has

speaking of Derek, Aaron definitely has 1 on 1 time with Derek too, but doing different things. Derek's thing is sports & home renovations, and he repairs/maintains cars & bikes when he can, and I like to imagine Aaron knowing about his hobbies and casually asking Derek about the home renovation he's working on one time (before or early S1) Derek came into his office to submit a case file, and Derek being kind of shocked/caught by surprised initially (because he knows Hotch has a soft spot for the kid because he's much younger and much, much more inexperienced but Derek's older and should know better, so Hotch won't do the whole private lunch thing with him, right?) but then he grins and starts telling Aaron about how "I got that place absolutely shining right now, man" and then he invites Aaron over to take a look at the place out of courtesy/habit (his mama raised him as a good, polite young man, and no way Hotch would even say yes right?) and to his surprise once again, Aaron does accept his invitation

after that one time, Aaron begins casually asking him about his projects and even starts offering to help him do some of the painting and decorating (to be fair, it calms Aaron too, to have a getaway from Haley and initially from the crying baby, because while he absolutely loved Haley and Jack with all his heart, some days, some days he just couldn't take it, all the stress from Strauss and from trying to be a good father unlike his own, and he had to take some time off to himself, and painting walls is calming and therapeutic to him in some sense) & Derek and Aaron start bonding over hotdogs while sitting out on the front porch of some halfway remodelled house, talking about the latest sports news (they support different baseball teams but that's okay, because Derek gets to grin at Hotch and ask him to pay up when Hotch's team loses to his, and Aaron gets to raise his eyebrows with that small knowing smirk of his and ask Derek to "complete this by the next weekend, will you" when Derek's team loses to his)

when Aaron recruits Penelope, he's read her file, or what little the FBI's cyberteam got on her anyways. he knows the Black Queen's reputation, and he knows that the cyberteam really don't trust her and recommended high levels of surveillance, but the moment he saw her through the glass of the interrogation room and her resume & application on pink paper, he knew that she's not just what the file said she is. initially, she sticks to the "bureau regulated office attire" because you know, Penelope knows she's lucky, she should've been jailed for what she did, she was jailed, until this Aaron Hotchner guy decided, somehow, that she was deserving to be on his team, even after looking at her resume, which she had written on pink paper out of pure spite (because nothing in the FBI rulebooks said anything about submitting your application on specialized coloured paper anyways) but she was moody and unhappy because she's stuck in this tiny office having to answer the phone whenever agents called to ask for details on icky, gruesome murders and disgusting, vile murderers so she decides that hey, since no one ever comes in here anyways, she might as well do some re-decorating right? so she starts bringing in her own soft toys and figurines and starts amassing a whole collection of soft, plushy, and colourful toys in because it's her office and if she has to deal with all these yucky stuff on a daily basis she's going to make it at least bearable to be in here

one day, some tall, stern looking guy just comes into her office with this Tupperware in his hands saying "hey, Garcia right? my wife made some extra cupcakes for the team, you want some?" and she asks "do i know you?" and he blinks, stands there for one, two seconds before- "sorry, i forgot we haven't actually met. Special Supervisory Agent Aaron Hotchner, assistant unit chief of BAU Team 1, nice to meet you," [i like to headcannon that before Boston & all, Hotch was Gideon's assistant, some kind of assistant unit chief probably, but while he wasn't yet the unit chief he was definitely taking care of most, if not all of the administration matters i.e. hiring new agents etc already because let's be real Gideon is caring & capable but really hands off sometimes (also in S1E1 Derek referred to Gideon as their Unit Chief so I assumed Hotch took over the position full time, officially somewhere between S1E1 and S1E2 or 3)]

and then Garcia's brain kind of short-circuits because holy shit this is her BOSS, aka the guy who somehow, crazily looked at her resume and decided to HIRE her and she just asked him if she knew him OH GOD ALL THOSE FIGURINES- and she tries to explain because she really didn't mean to break any rules with them and they aren't, are they? and she can remove them but just, please, she can't go back to prison.

but then Agent Hotchner just goes "hey, hey, Penelope. it's fine. I understand. this is your office, and you have the right to decorate it. I'm not going to fire you over.... My Little Ponies? and uh, some unicorns?" and Penelope can't help but laugh because he genuinely looks baffled by her collection on her desk, and did he just call her Penelope?

and after that, once, after a bad case that Aaron knew affected Penelope (it involved murdered parents & their only child left orphaned and it just hit too close to home for Penelope), he stopped by a local toy shop and bought the brightest, most sparkly, most colourful thing he could find in there (it ended up being a small figurine of a princess on a small, detachable throne that could light up and play some really funky pop music. Aaron cringed internally as he brought it over to the counter, and awkwardly nodded as the cashier asked, "buying this for your daughter, sir? she's going to love it, it's the latest in a collectable series" and he pretended to not see the questioning eyebrow that Derek gave him after seeing the package) and when he presented it to Penelope when they got back, he got the biggest and most bone crushing hug ever from Penelope because "aw that's so sweet, thank you! and you got me the latest in the collection! it's limited edition!" and it just ended up becoming a tradition — Penelope always looks forward to the end of a case now, not only because that means her people are coming home, safe, in one piece (sometimes debatable but still, they're coming home, to her) but it also means that Hotch has brought her yet another tiny figurine or souvenir to add to her collection and she can't wait to see what it is, and Hotch always, always, finds the time after they've wrapped up the case, before the jet leaves, to pop by a local toy shop to get both Penelope and later, when he's older, Jack some toys or souvenir from wherever state he's in, because he wants both of them to know, that despite all the bad out there, there is still good in the world, and they should never forget that

OKAY this ask is SUPER LONG already i apologise skfjsk i have ideas for JJ & Emily but idk if you'd even wanna continue reading them... (maybe.... give me a sign and I'll send another ask and write it? 🥴)

anyways this was just something that came up and i had to write it out 🥺 sorry for spamming you, i hope you're having a great day/night ahead.

- 🌙

Hi so I'm putting everything below the cut for scrolling purposes x

He is!!

Oh my god, I love that scene. It came up in a TikTok about ships, because Person A and Person B are both very smart when they're alone, but put them together and it cancels out, and it made me laugh.

I also love Dad Hotch. Like I love him as much as I love "fighting to keep his emotions in check because he needs to be a leader, but you can tell from the slight change in tone, or the slight glaze of his eyes that he's seconds away from crying" Hotch. Which is saying something.

DON'T APOLOGISE FOR LONG ASKS!! That's what the keep reading on posts is for :))

Oh I love how much Hotch cares about Reid, and of course Reid uses it to his advantage to get Hotch to do the same, because they're similar in that way. Also, he would definitely start grinning when Hotch looks down at his empty plate like: oh. Platonic Hotchreid is everything to me, because it's these two people that have been caretakers their entire life trying to look after another person that wouldn't let anyone do that and it's just... the HOTCH ANGST POTENTIAL THAT IS SO UNTAPPED!!!

Also, not a criticism of you, but from what I've heard from people is that functioning labels are harmful and shouldn't be used because it misrepresents the situation!

I love that idea though!! And Derek being protective over them so he's just like: no, you won't interrupt them, and I will take control of the situation for a few hours AAH!!

OH I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MORGAN AND HOTCH BONDING!! It's so perfect!! I love the idea of Morgan teaching Hotch to do things, and Hotch realising how relaxing he finds it to do these things.

And because we can't have nice things: he refuses to go after Foyet breaks into his apartment because he doesn't deserve peace, but then Morgan just uses his key, drags him out, takes him to a house and presses a brush into his hand because he's not going to let his friend self destruct like this.

EVERYTHING ABOUT GARCIA!! OH MY GOD!! I need to get some work done, so I'm going to finish up there, but seriously!! Amazing!! I love the idea of Hotch getting her little figurines and stuff <33

(shameless self promo, she does the same for him in "and he will come back home" hehe)

I would love to hear the Emily and JJ ones!! I hope that's the sign you need :)

Don't apologise for spamming I was having a dull day, and I hope you have a good day too!

#🌙anon #people talk to me #tw food #tw eating habits

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clean-bands-dirty-stories · 5 years ago

Text

The Best Things ~ J.V. (part 4)

A.n: Lol so things are about to get very Adult Themed up in here. Children do not read thank you. My consious demands it.

Warnings: Light smut, dark themes, mention of rape

Word Count: 4200+

MASTERLIST

Playlist

They shouldn't have been caught as soon as they were... and yet.

The second Jerome and Y/n had gotten outside the fun house, they'd been overrun by cops. The two had made it pretty far, but then someone had tackled Y/n from behind. The boy had been surprised when, from his spot on the ground, he heard Jerome's voice of all people scream his name. The redhead had paused, allowing another cop to take him down as well. Now they were being transported. Jerome, to Arkham, and Y/n just to regular jail. They hadn't determined him criminally insane yet, though it seemed to be going that direction as Y/n and Jerome spent the entire ride flirting with each other and cracking up at each other's jokes. They'd only quieted when each of the cops in the back with them held two guns to Y/n and Jerome respectively, threatening them. Jerome hadn't been that quiet or still for a while.

Y/n was the first to be escorted out of the back of the truck, arms handcuffed behind him. He was taken into GCPD offices, a smile on his face. One that promptly was wiped clean off when he was pushed inside and Jim Gordon stood waiting for him, Bruce and Alfred on either side of him.

Bruce moved first. He jogged to Y/n, a mixed expression on his face. The last time he'd seen Bruce, they'd been much different people. Y/n had left him behind to train with Penguin- no doubt Gordon had told him about the event, and surely he'd seen Y/n right at Oswald's side ever since. Until tonight, where Y/n had been found with Jerome- considered the worst of all the Gotham psychos.

Despite everything, Bruce seemed to be worried and relieved for the most part. The two boys stopped as they stood in front of each other. Bruce frowned, reaching up to touch his fingers to a wound on Y/n's forehead. It must have been from the tackle. Y/n hadn't noticed until now. "You're hurt." It wasn't a question so Y/n didn't respond back. Jim approached, motioning the officer that had Y/n to follow him. Y/n was pulled away and Bruce was left behind. Y/n ended up in an interrogation room, handcuffed and facing Bullock and Gordon. Y/n knew that Bruce was on the other side of the one sided glass, though, which meant that Alfred was too.

"Y/n," Gordon began. He seemed to pause, as if unsure how to continue.

So Y/n took his cue. "Why am I here? You have Jerome, so you can't be looking for information about him. If you want to determine my psyche and where I should end up, I mean I know I'm amazing but Jim Gordon and Commissioner Bullock? Here for little ol' me? I'm flattered, honestly." Both men looked at each other. It seems they didn't realize just how far lost Y/n was.

This tactic was new to Y/n, too. Oswald had taught him to be silent and unbreakable. Pleasant but unshakable. Like his dad used to be. Nice to talk to, leaving no option to backstab. It had been very different from how Y/n acted when he was just himself.

The cockiness and ease that Y/n exhibited now was a little mix of all the personas he'd most taken to or been taught over the years. There was the complete inhuman unaffectedness that had been taught to him by Angela, mixed with the ease that Oswald had taught him, the charisma he'd absorbed from Jerome in the short time they'd spent together, and his own energy he'd always been able to call on and struggled to hide. He felt like a new person again. A person he loved being.

"We're here because Bruce trusts us," Bullock said as the silence began to stretch. "You're in a safe place now, Y/n. You can talk to us. Tell us anything. Jerome is far away and can't hurt you. You can tell us what happened."

Oh. Y/n snorted. "You guys think Jerome kidnapped me and held me against my will or something?" Bullock cleared his throat. Y/n had always been told that he looked a lot like Bruce. He had differences, obviously, but as children people would try to get his attention thinking he was Bruce. Sometimes his mom would call him by his younger brother's name. Y/n realized it must be a little startling to see the actions he was displaying on a face so similar to his brother's, when Bruce was ever the staple good boy. Bruce would become a cop, if he didn't go into dad's business after all. Y/n would become... something else. It was becoming clearer as he grew older.

"What happened to you?" Jim asked. He was shaken, obviously upset and not quite able to grip the drastic difference in the Y/n he knew versus the boy in front of him.

Y/n rolled his head back, sighing. "A lot." He began bouncing a knee. "Do you want the whole life story?"

Jim crossed his arms. "I've got time."

Y/n chuckled softly. "I mean I have nothing to hide." He pushed his head forward, letting his eyes roam around the otherwise empty, bland room. He counted the cracks in the walls and memorized the paths they took as he spoke, keeping himself calm. This was a tactic he'd learned from therapy. "I mean I had a happy childhood. Parents have their favorites. Gotham had their favorite. Bruce was Mr. Perfect. But people liked me and I had parents who were supportive and loving or whatever, so there's that." He sighed again, closing his eyes. "Then they died. I got to take control of a company I wanted nothing to do with. And you know why?" Y/n opened his eyes, looking Jim directly in the eyes. "Because I was easy to manipulate. I was young and nieve and soft. Easy to bend and break and shape. It was easy to do whatever she wanted when it came from my mouth, because I was a Wayne."

"She?" Jim asked.

Y/n‘s jaw worked. "Angela. Angela Dyer." He swallowed, tasting bitterness in his mouth. "She was new to the business. Had worked there barely four years, which made her a newbie compared to the others who'd been working 20, 50, however some odd years. She was twenty years old. Not even old enough to drink. And she was pretty. Men aren't nice when they want something from a young, pretty girl. Especially in Gotham."

Jim shifted, obviously uncomfortable. "What does she have to do with you?"

"We were fast friends when I started being there. Close in age. Both new. The higher ups just wanted a Wayne present, but with her help I actually made a place for myself. Well-" he snorted. "A place for her. She moved up fast with my help. And all those men who used to walk all over her..." He shrugged. "I didn't ask questions about it."

Bullock's eyes widened."She killed them?"

"I think she just scared the shit out of them. Lots of threats, with me to back her up and hit the yes button when she needed. Manipulation. I think women are better at it than men, on average, but she was the best." His jaw locked and he took a few seconds to loosen it. "Pretty soon we were really close. Really close." He was looking at Bullock now. Training his gaze on the older man's. Drilling a message he didn't want to say. Bullock had gone inhumanly still. "She told me it was our little secret. That she just wanted to reward me after all our hard work."

"You were fourteen," He snapped, his hands curled into fists.

Y/n smiled. He actually smiled. "I didn't know what else to do. Boys don't have those problems. Or so I thought. She climbed the latter and taught me to keep my emotions bottled up. But I wasn't good at it. One day I yelled at her when she tried to... reward me that day." He swallowed. "I freaked out and asked her not to. She kissed me. Told me that she loved me and I loved her and it was okay because obviously I was enjoying it. Told me I couldn't be gay because-"

The room was heavy. "You're..."

"Yeah," Y/n croaked. "Only my parents knew. I haven't even told Alfred or Bruce, but I told her because I didn't want her to do it the first time. Or any other time. Tried to explain that I was gay and I didn't like it. She told me I couldn't be because my body was reacting to it, so obviously I was enjoying it." Y/n swallowed again. His mouth was getting dryer by the second. "One day I told her if she didn't stop I was going to tell someone. She told me that she loved me, like she always did. Except this time, she insisted that she needed me. That she couldn't handle just being friends with me. Told me she would kill herself if I broke up with her. As if we were dating-" His voice broke off, his eyes drilling holes into the wall.

Jim stepped forward. "She didn't-"

"She did." Y/n shook his head. "I thought it was my fault too for a long time, until finally Oswald convinced me otherwise." He shook his head. "I needed to get out of my childhood house. Away from Alfred and Bruce, who I couldn't even begin to explain to. Away from insanity and memories and near death experiences. So I went with Penguin, that night. He made me feel more powerful. More in control of my life. Helped me grow up and discover myself a little." Y/n grew quiet. "Did you know that the body has automatic responses to sexual actions that have nothing to do with pleasure? Me getting off had absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I wanted her to-" He cut off. "Edward Nygma told me that one." His voice was weak and broken. He shrugged. "So there's your sob story, Gordon. That's what happened to me. Now if you'll either send me to jail or let me return to Oswald, that would be appreciated. You see that mayor of yours is kind of my best friend and he's going through a hard time- why are you looking at me like that?"

Gordon and Bullock seemed to be sick to their stomachs. "Y/n..."

"What?" Y/n demanded.

"Oswald has been missing since yesterday. No one's seen him since the interview he ran out on." Y/n went pale. "We'll get on it, I promise, but he's missing." Jim went to step forward to bring some comfort to the handcuffed boy who had obviously been through a lot for it to have all happened in just one day, but Y/n jerked away.

"What are you going to do with me?" Y/n barked. "Jail or release? I need to get out there and do your guys' job for you, and if I have to break out it might take some time."

Jim's eyes widened. "Y/n-"

"Jail or release, Gordon? Tell me. NOW!"

It was quiet for a second. "We're sending you to Arkham." Y/n's jaw went slack. "You've spent all night with Jerome, and you're a close associate with Penguin, who's a known murderer."

"You don't have any proof that I-"

Bullock was suddenly very close to Y/n's face. "Look me in the face and tell me you have never killed a man. That killing wasn't part of your little escape from jail plan? That if we release you you won't turn around and go after whatever the cause of Penguin's disappearance and kill them too? Tell me that you don't agree with the way Jerome thinks and does things. I'll let you go."

Y/n felt rage. Rage like nothing else. Like he hadn't felt in a long time. Oswald has taught him how to control and hone that red feeling that had once seized him. Usually he could cultivate it into a weapon. Now... now it was freely causing havoc inside him again and he wanted to scream. "You wanna play friend but then keep me from helping the people I care about." Y/n spit in his face, causing the older man to jerk away, wiping it off. "Fuck you, Bullock."

Bullock looked at Gordon. "He didn't say it."

Jim nodded his head. "I can't believe you tried to escape and attack Commissioner Gordon right in front of me, Y/n."

"What-?" And then Jim punched him in the face and everything went black.

When Y/n woke up, he was in a different room. Similar but obviously not the same. He sat up and looked down to see that he was in a prison jumpsuit, but it was black and white striped instead of orange. Fittingly, the room he was in was grey cement and bare, with a bed that he now lay on, another across from him, a small window slightly above him, and steel, black bars instead of a door. Was this Arkham? It wasn't as bad as Y/n had thought- at least as far as living conditions went. There didn't seem to be rats or bugs or leaking. He could get used to this.

The door opened. "Ah and how lucky for you to be awake just in time for lunch." It was an officer that Y/n didn't recognize. The man was much older and seemed to be annoyed even as he smiled. "You've been out for a whole day. Didn't think you were gonna make it." Y/n got the sense the guard was disappointed he had.

Standing silently, Y/n followed as the guard motioned him. He was unsure of how this place worked, so he moved tentatively. Calm but ready. Standing to his full height, eyes moving carefully as he stayed aware of his surroundings. His face was a sort of collected calm and he moved slowly at first, only speeding it up when the guard shoved something in his back. Probably a baton.

The two men ended up in a large room at the end of the hallway which was filled with tables that had benches attached to them. "This is the Big Room," the guard told Y/n lazily. "You eat here mostly, but you can go here for free time too, unless you want to stay in your cell." There was a door that lead into the Big Room. It opened loudly, causing every eye to be drawn to the two new people entering. "Good luck," the officer purred. "You seem like a calm one. They eat calm ones up in here." Then the officer stepped back and the door closed and Y/n was alone.

He looked around the room for an open seat, suddenly feeling like he was in high school again. He didn't have a clique. He didn't have somewhere to sit. He didn't know how this system of people worked. What if he sat with the wrong person and literally got murdered? Was there a chance the guards cared about the inmates enough to save their life? Y/n doubted it, if the guard from earlier was any indication.

Thoughts were cut off as an excited, "Y/N!" sounded. The called boy looked over to see red hair and a ginormous grin. Instantly Y/n switched gears, a smile of his own rising to his face. Jerome threw his arm over Y/n's shoulders. The Wayne boy tried not to get too giddy about the gesture as the redhead moved back to the table he must have been sitting at before Y/n came in. "You know I didn't think you'd end up in here too. Does that make you crazy after all?" He snorted, obviously amused by the idea of either of them being unsound of mind. Or maybe that was just another Jerome thing. Perhaps he just found insanity and instability funny.

"In the eyes of the people," Y/n answered.

Jerome tittered excitedly. "We're gonna have so much fun! They're so quiet and dull, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come."

"You're a clever man, J." Y/n's voice was solid, even as his eyes were trained to Jerome and his smile was so wide it already hurt. "I'm sure you would have thought of something."

Someone scoffed. "Are you flirting with him?"

The man was big- both wide and tall- and bald. He looked scary, and also like an idiot. He had that simple minded vibe. Like he could hit, and that's all he could do. Not that it invalidated just how good he could hit though...

"What if I am?" Y/n met the man's eyes directly. He felt a surge of confidence with Jerome next to him.

Jerome hooked Y/n's chin as the men stared each other down. "Eyes on me now, doll." He winked and Y/n relaxed, smiling. "What are we gonna do first?"

Y/n rose an eyebrow, smirking in amusement. "What is there to do in a prison for the criminally insane?"

Jerome laughed. It suddenly cut off and the redhead was invading Y/n's space significantly. "Your imagination is the limit, really."

Y/n suddenly had a very active imagination. He cleared his throat but didn't move his gaze from Jerome, even though he wanted to. He could feel his face on fire and he wanted to shift away. Give himself space to breathe. It was very hot and it was becoming burdensome and annoying. Y/n had never once been this attracted to a single person. He'd had crushes- which is how he knew he was gay- but nothing serious. Nothing commanding and controlling. Why now, when he was most sure he never wanted to feel this way? Why here, when he was locked up and his best friend was missing after being betrayed by his love? Why now when Y/n should have been most against romance and most focused on finding Oswald and making sure his friend was okay, was he so smitten by this psychotic redhead?

Fuck it. Y/n wasn't getting out anytime soon- what was even the point of anything other than just giving in?

"I could think of a few things." Someone groaned, but Jerome's grin was enough to chase Y/n's shame away completely.

"Maybe I could pull off something special for you," Jerome mused. "Just once."

Looking away finally, Y/n sat down. "I heard it was lunchtime. Maybe we could start there." Jerome plopped down, eagerness unperturbed. If Y/n was being honest, his own enthusiasm was also unfazed. He didn't know what Jerome was thinking, but he was down for whatever. As long as it involved any single one of the things he was currently thinking about.

Y/n didn't expect Jerome to get it planned and done so soon.

It was dark and Y/n lay in his bed, looking at the ceiling. The guard had told him he'd be getting a roommate eventually when they were sure of how stable he was and how capable he would be and with who and blah blah blah blah blah-

For all their talk about safety, Y/n was only minority surprised to see the door open only to reveal Jerome Valeska strolling inside, the door closing behind him. "Miss me?"

Y/n grinned, chuckling softly as he rolled his eyes. "You're my cellmate?"

"The one and only." Jerome moved closer then seemed to hesitate and moved away instead. He went to the other bed, plopping down and crossing his legs before laying back, his hands behind his head and his smirk wide and charming. "You're quite interesting, Y/n. Are you aware?"

Y/n shrugged. "Not really."

Jerome narrowed his eyes, not smirking anymore. He obviously didn't like to be contradicted. "Why not?"

"People usually prefer my brother," Y/n explained casually, settling back down in his bed as Jerome had. When Jerome didn't speak up again, Y/n continued. "I guess he's more responsible and put together. He's gonna make it in the world, and it's nice to see such motivation in such a young lad." The last sentence he said each word with dripping sarcasm. "He's a genius and he's driven and I'm... Y/n Wayne. My parents were cool, don't get me wrong, but everyone's made it perfectly clear that Bruce has always been and always will be the preferred brother." Y/n looked over to Jerome smiling, only for it to drop upon seeing Jerome's expression. "What?"

Jerome stood. He moved with that same fluidity, except now it was very intimidating. Less like a showman and more like a predator stalking its prey, getting far too close for comfort. "I know what you mean. Younger brothers are the worst." His tone was dark now, and low. He lips turned up but it seemed in a sneer rather than enjoyment.

"You have a younger brother?" Y/n asked, sitting up in surprise.

Jerome's jaw worked. He looked at Y/n, moving close as he usually did. Invading Y/n's space as always. "Are you and Bruce twins?"

"I'm two years older," Y/n answered immediately. "Why?"

"Jeremiah and I are twins." He shook his head. "Now I'm bored. Entertain me, Y/n."

Y/n was suddenly breathless as Jerome lay down, spread out on Y/n's bed. Y/n swallowed, moving to hover over him. He usually topped, but this was Jerome Valeska. Y/n had thought... this would have gone differently, at least. "Undo the jumper," Jerome commanded evenly. Y/n obeyed, dragging the zipper down. Jerome kicked off the cheap shoes he was wearing as Y/n tugged the jumper down. Jerome lay in a muscle shirt and boxers. "Have you ever pleased someone else before?" Y/n nodded. "Men?" Y/n nodded again. While with Penguin, Y/n had had the pick of the litter. Anyone he wanted. He'd had a few, though they still didn't measure up to Jerome. "Consensual?"

Y/n swallowed. "I've had consensual sex with men before, yes."

Jerome rose an eyebrow, obviously sensing the bit of information Y/n was holding back. Thankfully he didn't push. Probably because he didn't want to damper the mood again. "Show me what you know, Sweetheart." So Y/n did.

Throughout the whole ordeal, every time Y/n did something Jerome didn't like, the older boy immediately corrected him. Y/n knew that what he was doing was good enough - he'd gotten people off plenty of times before - but Jerome seemed to be pushing Y/n's buttons. Being specific and picky and demanding. Seeing where Y/n's line was. How obedient he could be. There wasn't anything Y/n had refused to do thus far. Finally Jerome pressed his head back into the bed, his eyes closed and his lips parted. His fingers curled into Y/n's short hair and he spoke quietly, trying to not alert anyone outside who would stop them while trying to keep Y/n under control and finish at the same time.

Men were much easier than woman. It didn't take much to finish Jerome once he was there. He groaned very quietly, his breath hitching and his lower body pressing into Y/n's mouth more, where it had ended up. Y/n let him ride it out then swallowed, leaning back with a grin on his face.

"How was that?"

Jerome sat up, wiping something off the corner of Y/n's lip. He pressed his finger into Y/n's mouth, his smile widening when Y/n sucked it clean. "You're good. I expected you to be less experienced."

"I doubt I'm experienced as much as I'm a fast learner and really good at following directions." Jerome hummed before stretching then moving to redress. Y/n deflated. Jerome giggled when he saw Y/n's shoulder sag. "You want something too, hm?" Y/n swallowed, nodding. "Well, since you were a good boy..." Jerome motioned Y/n closer and the younger boy immediately stood. Y/n went to kiss him but Jerome jerked away. "None of that." His fingers found purchase resting around Y/n's throat. Not squeezing, but playing at the idea. "No distractions. I have to focus." He winked and forced Y/n to turn around, knocking the breath out of the dark haired boy's lungs.

Y/n had always known there was something almost intoxicating about Jerome. Addicting. His smile. The look he got in his eye- especially when he was horny, or when he was really into a joke. The way Jerome held Y/n or pushed or pulled him around. The raw charisma he had, that allowed him to grab a room and keep it completely under control. His easy attitude. His arms and hands and hair and lips. The way Jerome had demanded and kept Y/n's attention even when the boy was repressed due to trauma. Jerome was magic. He could do anything. He was good at everything. He was great at a few things too. Murder. Acting. Being true to himself. Carry out promises.

Fucking. Jerome was really good at that, too.

The boy was setting something off in Y/n and it seemed the more time passed, the less capable Y/n was of going back to the life he had, even just with Oswald. Everyone seemed so impossibly far, but suddenly Jerome was the only person that mattered. Y/n was falling and honestly, he didn't even care.

#jerome valeska #jerome velaska #jerome valeska imagine #jerome valeska x reader #gotham #batman #joker #joker imagine #joker x reader #valeska twins #velaska twins #jerome velaska imagine #jerome velaska x reader #cameron monaghan #gotham imagine #gotham x reader

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fitmydaydream · 6 years ago

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Apologies - Part 2

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

Prompt: After Y/N storms out of Shawn's studios, she plans something which will shatter Shawn's heart.

Word Count: About 3k

A/N: So here it is lovlies!!!! I would suggest you to read the first part if you still haven't. I'm still so overwhelmed by the response Apologies got and I apologise if this sucks. Happy reading babies! I love each one of you and I really hope you like this! 💖

Hurt. Broken. Devastated. These words would all be an understatement of how you were feeling right. You were still not over the words Shawn attacked you with, creating a big issue out of a small surprise which was only meant for him.

You're not a fucking queen. Snap out of your dream! You make me sick Y/N. You're so fucking selfish and self-absorbed that I can't even tell you.

All those words kept circling your mind. You tried hard to get rid of them but they were so adamant about not leaving you alone.

You debated with yourself about what to do. You needed to clear your mind. You knew decisions taken in rage are always regrettable and have never been beneficial to anyone.

After sitting inside your car for another 5 minutes to dry your tears out, you settled on going to your favorite ice cream parlor to clear your mind out. After all, a girls gotta eat.

You pulled your car out of the parking lot quietly, careful of the fact about not letting anyone especially Shawn know that you were still here otherwise who knows that he might as well flip out again.

After Shawn saw you walk out of the studio, he went inside his room and slammed his door shut, not wanting anyone to let inside. He didn't need anyone to tell him what he did was wrong because he very well knew it.

He was ashamed of himself. With every awful word he threw at you, he knew he was being less of himself and that he was breaking you inside out. He hated himself for doing that to you. For letting the anger bring out the worst of him. For saying words he never actually meant. He didn't know where that rage and those words came from. He was a completely different person. It was like an evil soul had taken over him.

Tears of realisation and regret were now streaming down his face and his throat went dry.

He hated when you were upset. He hated even more when the reason you were upset was him. And today, not only he made you upset but also hurt you so bad. He made you cry. He humiliated you in front of people.

He loved you so much. He would never do a thing to hurt you or would never let anything happen to you. You were his life. His reason to live. But today he proved it all wrong.

This stress was taking over him. It was eating his soul up. He knew it was unhealthy. He knew it would wear him out soon. You'd warned him about this. And he did what he feared the most.

He remembered how you told him not to get too engrossed in this and give yourself a break because you knew he needed one. You knew he was building up a bubble which was filled with frustration and that it's gonna burst out someday on someone which won't be nice at all. And that someday was today and that someone was you.

He cried even harder. He pulled on his hair. Hard sobs escaped his lips.

He started to think about how big of a dick he had been to you in the past months. He left you alone for most of the times. He would leave you to eat dinner alone. Somedays when you would come home from work, all tired and wore out, he wouldn't hug you or take care of you properly. He knew you'd a habit of stressing over work even when there was no need to and yet he left you to deal with it all alone. God knows how many nights you must've cried to sleep and he wasn't there to make you stop.

He didn't take care of you like he used to when you were sick and wasn't there to stop you to go to work when you'd a bad flu.

He would sometimes snap at you out of nowhere and you'd still be there for him. You were there for him through all this. You were always supportive of him. You were never selfish. He thought if anyone who was being self-absorbed it was him.

"Fuck! What did I do?" He didn't realise he'd been biting on his lips too hard until he tasted some blood in his mouth.

Fear took over him. He was afraid you would break up with him. He'd messed up big time. He feared that you would leave him without even giving him a second chance even though he wasn't worthy of one. He deserved every form of anger you'd to offer. He owed you an apology at the least.

He wasn't ready to face you after all that he'd said to you. He was ashamed of himself. He would never be able to look at himself in the mirror if he doesn't make things right today. He decided to put an end to this distance between the two of you once and for all.

He gets up and searches for his car keys. Once he gets them, he strides towards the door and gets out. Suddenly he overhears a conversation that makes him halt in his steps.

"What? Are you okay?" Brian asked you worriedly.

"Yes Brian. I'm fine. Just send in a car here or someone who can help me out except him. You don't need to tell him anything please. I don't want to see his face. Just now for the least. Please. Can you do this? Just do something sooner because it's getting a bit colder and my heater is trash." you told Brian calmly.

You never reached the ice cream parlor that you planned on going to. You were on your way, almost made it through a 20 min drive from Shawn's studio when your car showed mere signs of breaking down. But you were too deep in Shawn's thoughts that those signs were ignored by you.

A 10 minutes distance was still there to get covered when your car gradually halted and refused to move. "Wow what a beautiful day" you told yourself when you got out of your car and discovered that your it's tyre had somehow got punctured.

You yelled out of frustration because there were no petrol stations nearby and also the sun was about to set down which meant it was starting to get a bit colder than before. You searched for your jacket and remembered that you hanged it in Shawn's room behind his chair when you were waiting for him to get his work finished.

You decided that you won't let this day be your last so you debated on whether to call someone or not or seek some help from some passerby. You counted the later option out because then you could either be murdered or could possibly be dragged down a snake pit or the endless possibilities that could lead to your death just because of your little ego.

You decided to call Brian and let him know of your problem. Brian was like a brother to you. You two had so much fun together. Sometimes teasing each other and stuff. He was always supportive of you like a sister. So he was best option right then.

You called Brian and told him about your whole situation and he kind of freaked out a bit but was quick to help you.

"Okay. But stay where you are Y/N. Inside your car. Lock the doors from inside. I'm coming to get you okay? Be safe." Brian said in a concerned tone.

"Ahoy grandpa!" you slightly chuckled and hung up.

"Shut up dork" Brian told you and hung up. He turned around to get his car keys but was stopped by a tall figure. Shawn.

"Where are you going and what's up with Y/N?" Shawn asked bluntly.

Brian was still pissed at Shawn for how he treated you today. So, he avoided the question and took his car keys, ready to walk out but was again stopped by Shawn.

"I asked you something Brian. Tell me." Shawn said with a voice calmer than before.

"Do you really care about it Shawn? Because I don't think so. I thought you said some things about her? Did you forget those words?" Brian asked clearly pissed off from Shawn's attitude.

"Fuck! I know. I already feel shit about it. Could you not make me feel worse about it Brian and tell me what's up with Y/N?" Shawn sighed.

Brian debated on whether to tell Shawn or not because after all you were his girlfriend and he had every right to know that she was in trouble. He knew you were gonna hate him for sending Shawn for her help but he couldn't do anything.

"She called in to inform me that her tyre got punctured so she's stuck somewhere near Cindy's Ice cream parlor and needs help urgently."

Shawn eyes went wide and he started to panic.

"Jesus! Tell her I'm coming and to stay inside the car and lock the doors. Also tell her to put on a jacket or something as it's getting colder and she catches cold easily. I'll ve there as soon as I can. " Shawn said hurriedly and quickly ran upto his car in the parking lot.

"Oh baby! I'm sorry. I'm coming. Just keep her safe god." Shawn mumbled to himself in worry while opening the car door.

"I swear to god I'm such a big idiot" you said rubbing your hands against your arms to keep yourself warm. You cursed at yourself for forgetting to bring your jacket with yourself.

You'd turned on the radio previously to keep yourself busy until Brian arrived but you quickly turned it off after two songs when they played Never Be Alone. You didn't want to hear Shawn's voice at all. So now you were just sitting there, trying to keep yourself warm and staring blankly outside the window.

You sneezed and muttered "God dammit Brian! Where are you?" you said annoyingly.

Suddenly you saw a car pull over in front of you and a tall figure appeared out of it. Assuming it to be Brian you sighed in relief. The tall figure approached you and you frowned because the closer the figure was approaching you , the lesser it looked like Brian and more of Shawn.

Your heart nearly stopped beating when you saw that it was Shawn. "Not now" you said to yourself as tears were threatening to spill from your eyes. You lowered your head so as Shawn could not see your miserable face.

Shawn reached your car panicking and lowered his built to look inside. He knocked on your window but you were too busy fighting back tears.

"Y/N? Baby? Are you okay? Are you cold? Please open the door, I'm here!" Shawn said worryingly.

You wanted to ignore him. You didn't want to even look at his face right now but there he was outside your car, knocking on your window and there was no way escaping this now. You wanted to punch Brian in the gut for sending Shawn at this moment.

You took a deep breath and decided you won't speak a word to him. Ignore his every question and just deal with him till you reach your home because you were planned it all about what you're gonna do once you get home.

You wiped your tears and lifted your face to look at him. His pretty face but eyes all swollen and red from crying. It was gonna take a lot more than courage to ignore him because you loved him so much. You hated that even when he broke your heart you were sitting there admiring his face. You wanted to touch his face and wanted to tell him it's okay. But you can't do that you told yourself.

You finally opened the car door and let yourself out of it.

Shawn took you in his arms so fast that you didn't even realise it. He ran his hands through your hair, feeling you and kissing your hair mumbling "Thank god baby! You're safe."

Tiny drops slipped out of your eyes. It was taking everything in you to not put your arms around him and tell him there was no need to worry but you resisted. This was too hard.

You pushed yourself out of his grip gradually and rubbed your face with your hands. You started walking towards Shawn's car in order to tell him to go home.

Shawn was taken aback. He looked at you walking towards his car. He was heartbroken and thought to himself now this is what it must've felt like when he pushed you off when you tried to hug him previously this day. He wiped the single tear that fell from his eye.

He jogged upto you but you were already sat inside his car and were about to close the car door when he stopped you. You looked upto him to see what he wanted. You saw him holding up his jacket for you so innocently. You really needed the jacket because it was too cold now.

He was leaning down to make you wear the jacket but you took it from his wore it yourself. Hurt evident in his body language. He stared at you and gulped whatever he was feeling. He went to the other side to sit in the driver seat and closed the door behind him.

Tension was evident in the air. You felt like you needed to get away from him right then and there but you needed to wait till you were home. This was harder than you imagined.

Shawn was looking at you with sad eyes. What did he do to you? You looked really miserable and upset and it was killing him. You were looking outside of the window when he took your hand and placed his lips upon your skin to make it warm. He used to do this whenever you felt cold. You felt a lump in your throat. He kept whispering sorrys against your skin but you didn't even look at him because you knew the moment you'll look into his eyes, you'll melt and it wouldn't even take a second for you to kiss him and make things alright. You wished it would've been this easier.

You coldly drew your hands from him and placed them inside the jacket you were wearing. Shawn didn't want to make you feel anymore comfortable so he took this as a sign of you wanting to get home sooner as possible.

The drive was silent but not awkward. This was one of those moments when you and Shawn wouldn't speak a word to each other and would rather hum along to the music happily playing except that now neither any music was playing nor you were happy.

The drive was of 20 minutes. 20 minutes of extreme silence, staring out of the window and sheer disappointment. No conversation was initiated from Shawn because he knew you needed time. But little did he know about the amount of time you needed to recover.

Shawn parked the car in your driveway and you both got out. You quickly went inside your house only to be greeted by Noah, your bestfriend standing there with a bag stuffed with your clothes.

Noah was your childhood bestfriend. You two went to the same school but seperated when you'd to go to University because you two had a two different passion to follow. But after you met Shawn and you both decided to live in together in Toronto, you were pumped up knowing you'd be living at a place only an hour away from your bestfriend.

So decided to Noah when you were waiting in your car for Brian. She picked up the phone and you greeted her with a hello. She was quick to sense that you were upset and asked you about what happened. You were hesitant to tell her but eventually gave in since she understood you a lot.

"See Y/N. I'm not trying to come in between you two and would hate myself if anything happens because of me but I would suggest you to come and stay at my house if you want. You know what I mean right? You'll have some time to yourself to clear your thoughts out and we'll figure out stuff if you'll want. It's all upto you sweetie."

You thought about it. Yes you needed some time. A short break from Shawn. You wanted to figure out the mess that had been there since the past months and wanted to make things better so you told her to pick you up from your house as soon as you arrive there and take the key which was underneath the pot and pack up most of your clothes because you didn't know how much of a long break were you going to need.

You heard Shawn walk upto your door and when he saw Noah holding a bag stuffed with your clothes, his eyes started brimming and he stood there with fear written all over his face.

"Y/N? I-Is this what I think it is?" Shawn stuttered.

You didn't say anything and looked to the floor. Tears were starting to escape your eyes and you felt so helpless.

Shawn came close to you and held your arms in order to make you look at him.

"Y/N? Baby?" His voice broke. "Please tell me this is not what I'm thinking it to be please say it?" He begged you to tell him this was unreal.

You slightly nodded and looked the other way with tears now streaming down your face. It was too hard. You can't even look at his poor face right now.

Shawn opened his mouth to speak but the words didn't seem to come out of his mouth somehow. This was all to much to take in. His throat went dry and he wasn't able to think straight.

You tried to get out of his grip but he was too strong.

"Y/N you can't do this. You can't leave me love. I need you. I fucking need you baby. I love you so much. I know what I said was pathetic and I don't even deserve a chance to explain myself for what I said because it was so bloody sick and pathetic. But I swear I love you. Give me a chance love. That's all I'm asking for please I'm gonna make it all better I prom-" Shawn cried but was interrupted.

"Promise? What promise Shawn? And a chance? A chance to remind me of how pathetic I am? Remind me of how sick and selfish I am? Remind me of how fucking pathetic and unsupportive I've been of despite putting your work and you above everything? Above every fucking person? I don't need you to remind me of that again Shawn! I know that!" You yelled.

"No no no-" hard sobs escaped Shawn's mouth.

"Shut it Shawn! Please stop. Say no more. Everything's a mess right now. Do you even have an idea of what I've been feeling like since the past months Shawn?" you said with a finger resting on his chest.

"Do you know what it feels like to have dinner alone even after you've a boyfriend who lives with you? Huh? What it feels like to cry yourself to sleep every night? What it feels like to wake upto an empty bed even though you've your lover living with you? No Shawn you don't know that. Because I know what it feels like to be the one who is ignored by the other one who pretends that he's the only one living in this goddamn house. You don't even acknowledge my existence Shawn. Who are you?" you were now speaking with so much emotions that you weren't even sure whether you were angry or sad.

"I wouldn't hesitate to say I still love you Shawn after all the things you said to me and I hate myself for it." your voice cracked.

"How can you say such a thing when I was the one who was suffering from insecurities and anxiety about our relationship Shawn! I fake consoled myself everyday that No! You still love me and care about me but guess what? I was wrong. My whole days and nights revolve around you Shawn and you went ahead and called me selfish? Why Shawn why? You broke my heart in the blink of an eye Shawn. What did I even do to deserve this?" you whimpered.

Shawn fell to the ground on his knees in defeat. He didn't know what to say to you because every word that was coming out of your mouth was 100% true except the fact that Shawn didn't love you. Shawn loved you with everything he had and maybe he forgot to show it all. Shawn wrapped his arms around your leg and broke down in tears.

"I know baby I know. I know I've been the greatest dick to you. And I deserve every worst thing you've to say to me. I deserve it all. But Y/N please don't leave me. I will be lost without you. I might have forgot every way to tell you I love you but I swear to god I still do. I care about you. Just don't leave me. Let me make this all better. Let me put an end to all your miseries. I promise I wouldn't treat you like shit this time. I'm so afraid to lose you Y/N so fucking afraid!" Shawn cried.

"Shawn it's too late. I've already made up my mind. Don't make this harder than it is. Please let me go. I want to figure things out of this mess. You can take care of yourself for right now" you said crying and pulling yourself out of his grip around your legs.

"No baby I don't want to please just stay Y/N just stay" Shawn was really heartbroken at this point. His life was shattered right now because he didn't know whether Y/N even wanted to stay with him anymore, even in the future. She was his lifeline and the only thing that motivated him every morning even when he didn't show it.

You finally pulled out of his grip and placed a hand over your mouth to not let the scream out which was building within you. This was hurting way too much. You signalled Noah to follow you and just like that, you disappeared.

Shawn laid there on the ground with his broken and sore heart unable to process what just happened with him. You were gone. The light of his life was gone.

Part 3? Also, what did you guys think of this? MASTERLIST

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes post #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes fluff #shawn peter raul mendes #apologies 2 #shawn mendes angst

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