#but i just fully believe they would be shit at communication when they start dating

[justyoursicanon]

Its 7 in the morning and im trying to make up sad sad poolverine with lack of communication because it hurts so good

When Logan and Wade actually start dating, Wade acts the same, all touchy and playful loving and lays all on Logan if not more than usual now that they're together because that's kind of how Wade shows his love for others, and he's doing it a lot more with Logan because they're together

Logan doesn't see a difference in this and just acts the same as well, cursing at him, pushing him away and or letting him do it because because he doesn't care, but he lets Wade do it more after they got together because they trust each other

Wade notices how Logan hasn't changed how he acts towards him after they started dating and he feels like they arent even together in the first place, that his love isn't actually returned and he's just bugging Logan like usual. He doesn't bring it up because he doesn't wanna cause anything, but instead starts doing it less and less

Actually he just stop being all 'talkitive-clingy-playful deadpool' with Logan and only acts like it with others, Blind Al, Mary Puppins, the X-Force, even Vanessa, who returns that love because she knows somethings up, and Wade is still her bestie

The others actually return that love as well, whether it be laughing at his jokes, acknowledging and letting him cling onto them, or returning his hugs, because they know somethings up with Wade but they don't even know what. Hell, even Colossal hugs him back, even he noticed.

Logan noticed too, eventually. He first notices when Wade started talking less with him, but goes back to normal when it's just Althea in the room with Wade or Mary Puppins. But never with him anymore.

Logan, still unaware of the reason from Wade's sudden change, tries to be more open and show his own love for Wade

And Wade kind of

Shuts down

He's confused, he wonders why Logan's suddenly hugging him, kissing him more, talking to him more fondly than just grunts or 'shut the fuck up's

And he kind of just

Doesn't know what to do

So whenever Logan does it he just freezes and remains speechless

Eventually, someone brings it up to Logan

"Is everything alright with you and Wade?" Colossal asked on a mission with him and Wade, noticing how Wade was practically glued to anyone on the jet BUT Logan

"Did you and Wade breakup?" Negasonic asked when Logan and Wade drop by the X-Mansion for a meeting and Wade does nothing but stays silent when he stays by Logan's side during the entire session

They talk about it eventually, but Logan just isn't used to the amount of love, touches, and mostly positive gestures and words Wade gives him, because it's been so damn long since anyone's given him such genuine love, that he just doesn't know what to do, and thought acting the same wouldn't do much to Wade

But he loved Wade, he really does, he just needs time to adjust

Wade would understand, he did, and they go slow this time, but sometimes, he's still hesitant to become all lovey dovey with him in fear Logan would just act the same like before

But now Logan reassures him by doing his best to return that love, learning to show his own love in his own way.

Acknowledging his love and returning it with his own

That's all Wade could ever need and want

[sturniolo04]

Request—> Chris going for advice to Matt about how to finger/eat out a girl properly

(Not saying Chris would be bad but maybe there’s a couple of things he could work on or at least that was what the last girl he hooked up with said to him)

A/N: i hope you like it :)

Bf!Chris xGf!Fem!Reader

Chris never had a hard time pleasuring a girl that was until his last girlfriend, now his ex, said otherwise. It got so bad that it often resulted in her 'faking it' when they had sex most times. It wasn't until they finally ended up having an argument and her finally admitting that that had been the case the whole entire time of their relationship.

So fast forward to current time, Chris finally gaining more confidence to date again, and he finally started dating you. Although his confidence in pleasuring a girl still wasn't fully back to 100%. Every time you and him would be causally be making out, Chris would hit the brakes before it went any further.

"Okay we should probably go see what we are going to have for dinner, yeah"

he halts your guys actions breaking the heated kiss you were sharing.

" what chris"

you giggle as you try to lean back in to continue to make out with your boyfriend.

"baby you know i love you but you haven't eaten all day"

" chris you cant be serious"

you state simply looking into his glistening orbs showing no sign of lust what so ever puzzling you.

"what"

" i dont do it for you do i?"

you huff out getting off of his lap looking at him

"what no god no"

he lies as you let out a sigh believing him.

Chris hated lying to you so he knew he was eventually going to have to figure out this or get advice from someone and if he was going to get advice why not his own brother, Matt. Matt has been in the same relationship with the same girl for almost 2 years and they are sexually active enough to the point that it annoys him and Nick since the walls are so thin in their house. In reality, he must be doing something right.

"Matt i need to talk to you about something kind of embarrassing"

Chris states mumbling the last part quietly from pure embarrassment of him having to come to his older brother about this subject.

"okayy.. whats up"

matt replies unsurely looking up from his phone momentarily and then shifting his focus back to his phone as Chris took as seat across from him on the couch in their living room on the coffee table.

"so i need some advice on how pleasure a girl properly"

chris trails off as Matt quickly shifts his focus to his brother trying the see if he is being serious about this question.

"chris what the fuck why would you need advice on that you know what to do when it comes to-"

he replies shocked

" not neccessarily-i just want to make sure I am not going to blow it with her"

he states shyly referring to you.

" i just figured you would know something I don't because you and Becca are so annoyingly active with all that shit"

he trails off looking down and fumbling with his fingers.

"fuck you know what never mind this was stupid-"

chris states fully embarrassed attempting to get up and leave this conversation.

"wait no chris its not stupid it's just- i -nevermind so you want some advice"

matt stuttered with his reply as he thought of where to start.

"yeahh"

"okay so basically oh god- well i just start out by eating her out; you never just start with your fingers"

matt trails off uncomfortably with this conversation

"honestly the best thing is to just be super communicative with her; see what she likes dude but anyway- when you start first with eating her out just do a lot of figure eights and then occasionally fuck her with your tongue"

"okayyy"

Chris replies trying to fully understand where matt was going with this lesson

"yeah so when i guess she is wet enough then you can use your fingers and when that point comes you should use your ring and middle just cause its easier"

"middle and ring okayy"

" and you kind of want to curve them as you go in and out you don't want to go just straight in and out but also add your tongue on her clit occasionally that also makes them feel but I think that's all the advice I can give you"

he trails off causally scratching the back of his head.

" you sure i just dont want to blow it and if I do I'm blaming you then"

" you can blame me if you blow it because that probably means you were half listening to me"

matt rolls his eyes.

"yeah yeah whatever but thanks dude"

he responds before heading back to his room

"for sure i got you bro always"

[rosemaryandthejack]

I want to talk about Harry Potter.

Well. Sort of. I want to talk about Harry Potter in a roundabout way, in that, I want to talk about the reaction my friend group had when shit started really going down with That Bitch Rowling.

Because Rowling is a horrible person. She’s a TERF, a denier of Nazi Crimes, homophobic, anti-Semitic, the list goes on and on (and most recently, has been attacking a trans soccer manager, if my dash is to be believed? Somehow, she just seems more cartoonishly evil with each passing day). But this isn’t about That Bitch Rowling, not really. Or if it is, she’s merely a footnote in the story.

Harry Potter was, and I think this is true for many of us, a large part of my childhood. While the writing may be mediocre at best, it was wildly influential. I didn’t know a single kid that wasn’t hoping for a letter to Hogwarts. It was a Big Deal for a lot of people, and that included my friend group. My friend group, which is made up of members of the LGBTQ+ community. My friend group, which includes a young lady who we didn’t always know was a lady. I’m sure you can see where this might be going.

The day I got a tear filled phone call about That Bitch Rowling was, frankly, heartbreaking. She was mad because a woman she had respected up until now didn’t respect her. She wanted to get rid of her copies of the books, but didn’t want to donate them. I never want to hear her cry like that again. So I made a decision.

I told her to hold onto her books for just a little while longer. I phoned the group. I figured out when everyone could get together for a weekend, and when I had hammered out dates, I packed up my car, and drove the six hundred miles back to my childhood home.

In the passenger’s seat, was my set of Harry Potter books.

Excluding my trans friend, there were seven of us. I had made a plan, and my father had the space to enact it - I grew up on acres of land; complete with 200 year old oak tree, creek in the woods in the backyard, and a massive fire pit.

Nostalgia and youth, I find, paint everything with a rose tinted hue; if Rowling had just kept her mouth shut, I’m sure many of us would have looked back on the Harry Potter series with some amount of shame. But I don’t think it would have suffered the sort of fall from grace that led us to this point.

The fire pit is important for several reasons. For example, it had been the popular gathering place for my friend group of literal decades at this point. Small towns mean that you know everyone from a very early age. We lived right beside the woods, so we used the fire pit to burn the leaves, and the branches storms took down, of which there were many. And when the first six of my friends rolled down the half mile driveway that day, I had already collect enough wood to get a decent fire going.

Six of my friends. We told the seventh a later time. We wanted to be prepared, and anyway, we all had the same cargo (six sets of seven books joined mine on a rickety folding table). I put them to work collecting more firewood (is it really a good bonfire if you’re not risking setting the barn on fire?).

By the time our last member rolled up, I had a fire going.

She had her set of those damn books too.

(There is a visceral grief that comes from being let down by your childhood heroes, and I fully believe that That Bitch Rowling embodies the phrase “never meet your heroes,” because folks, as a general rule, I am not a fan of burning books. But I was prepared to make an exception.)

We burned our copies of the Harry Potter books that day, all eight of us. They were well read, beaten to hell and back, with cracked spines, and dents in corners, and pieces of the pages missing where we had bent down the corners one too many times. And I won’t lie to anyone. We cried. Tears of sorrow and rage, for the piece of our childhood that we were choosing to give up, because to keep it would be to disrespect the woman we had known and loved for longer than we’d ever had those books.

Letting go sucked. But it was the right thing to do.

When they were gone, we put out the fire, went inside, and built the pillow fort of our dreams. We marathoned Star Wars, and ordered too many pizzas, and had way too much soda. We fell asleep playing Risk, because that’s what our friend choose, and in the morning, I made waffles with chocolate chips and too much maple syrup.

I wanted to talk about this, not just because this is a fond memory for me (even though it is), but because one of my coworkers confessed to me that they hated Rowling, and everything she stood for, and they refused to have anything else to do with the Harry Potter franchise, but they just couldn’t bring themselves to get rid of the books.

I said I was happy to host another book burning.

But I wanted to write this down because I know that sometimes it’s hard to take that final step, to leave behind that last thing. So for anyone who needs to hear it, it’s okay to grieve the things we loose when we grow up. Letting go can be hard, but I promise you’ll end up better off. It’s been awhile since things really went downhill, but I maintain that, in this case, death of the author is nonexistent, and it is better to have loved and then lost, than to hold on too tight.

Don’t hurt yourself on the shattered remains of your childhood magic.

[tobysbliss]

hiiiii i saw your post about the new dr**m vid addressing the allegations and i understand why you hate him and i dont fault you for it AT ALL. but i simply want to understand your thought process with an open mind. I’m simply curious as to why you think his evidence presented in the video was “shit evidence” (im not defending him ir anything) and what do you believe is “proper” undeniable evidence? I’m just wondering thats all. Have you watched the whole video? (Again, im not forcing you too, im just curious) he has used his legal teams and has used proper timelines and everything to prove that he did not sext anyone at all to my knowledge. What else would you want him to do in order to prove his innocence after that?

As for your point about bringing up other creators, i believe he was simply trying to point out double standards, which.. well he didnt have to honestly (i understand what you mean). However, this also means that it would be wrong for the people mentioned in the video to bring up dream unwarranted, but clearly, no one cares if people like philza randomly bring dream up to throw a jibe at him during his streams which again proves the double standards.

As for quackity, yes dream was in the wrong, but he merely mentioned him to apologise (which i can understand if you dislike)

i simply am wondering why despite dream having enough evidence to sue amanda, you dont believe him. I understand you are a minor and you would understand court situations and stuff, but what else do you think dream can do to mitigate such false allegations?

have you ever paused to think why the general community had such a positive response to the video? Do you believe with your whole chest that you, as a 14 year old are so knowledgable, that whole adults who are capable of filing court cases are dumber than you and are simply blindly defending dream?

again, im not saying you are wrong, or anything, i just want to understand your though process. thank you ! Have a nice day :)

He knows the power he has with his fans, because he has most definitely seen the way they will support him no matter what— How he tweets a simple “I love you guys” after someone exposes him and they all rush to support him? I fully believe he used that knowledge when making his video + He is a power tripper.

I do believe he debunked the stuff with Amanda. But his “statement from Jamie,” there is literally no proof that Jamie actually said that. What he used with that statement is something that can be faked really easily & given in the start of the video he said that he lied about multiple other things, how am I supposed to believe that that’s seriously Jamie saying that?

And the reason people are so upset at him for bringing up Philza and his wife, Kristin, is because he used them as an example of CC’s interacting with fans, to defend himself. Phil & Kristin have around a one year age difference, and Phil had anywhere from like 3-10 viewers when Kristin found him. And the only reason that she did find him was because she worked with kids who liked minecraft & she wanted to know about it. Them becoming close friends, then dating & then getting married is not even close to what Dream was & is being accused of. Dream is being accused of sexting minors, and Phil & Kristin are not even CLOSE enough to be a good example to use as a defense.

Not to mention the things he didn’t go over in the video? His history of racism, antisemitism, sexism, etc. Why would he go over the speedrun cheating thing but not things that are far more important? So maybe even if the allegations are fake— He’s still a fucking horrible person.

I also think it’s disgusting how he put victim in quotation marks for the section of a video that his a “statement from Jamie.” Like actually disgusting to make it “A statement from the “victim.”” Like what the fuck.

It’s also weird how just less than half the video are dedicated to the allegations. He spent more time not talking about them in that whole autobiography length video. And, yes, I did watch the whole video.

And another thing, he knows what his fanbase is like. He knows that they will go on doxxing sprees on anybody who so much as utters something negative about their precious dreamy. But you know what Dream did in the video? He picked and chose what names to blur out, he blurred the names of people who defended him but anyone who wasn’t had their names put on blast to millions of people— Millions of his freak, dickriding fans.

So yes, I may be 14, and I may not know everything. But despite that I can still see when somebody is literally a disgusting human being!

[cwritesforfun]

Sarah Cameron x Fem!Reader: Club Night

Y/N = Your Name

TW: Alcohol (usage is discussed) - btw, everyone is over 21 in this!

Sarah's POV

Losing my father was tough. It hurt me to lose him. Breaking up with John B was needed. We needed to be away from each other to fully heal and grow as individuals. I feel like I was stuck in that relationship for so long. Rafe is living his life and I don't like talking to him. Wheezie exists with Rose. Topper and I were friends with benefits all summer. I broke it off when I moved to college. Oh, I moved to college. It will be good. A new start.

3 years later... Your POV

You couldn't help it. You loved to dance. You would go out with your friends every weekend and sometimes leave with someone new. It depended on how you were feeling and whether or not you wanted company for the night. Truth is, it would be nice to be in a relationship, but no one in college is looking for that. You’ve looked.

You were going out with your friends tonight and they were bringing some new girl, she was roommates with your friend's girlfriend. Your friend, Penny, had been with her girlfriend, Maria, for 2 years. They were cute and you loved third wheeling with them. You sometimes wish you had someone to hold hands with, but no one wants what you want in a relationship and the attractive ones never want you. You were going to the "LGBTQ" club tonight because they had half-off drinks from 11:30 pm-12 am. It was a short window, so you have to be aggressive at the bar. It wasn't called the LGBTQ bar, but everyone there was part of the community, and those who weren't stuck out like a sore thumb. You were pansexual and proud of it. It didn't matter who you spent the night with, just if the feeling was right and if you were attracted to them.

We sit in Penny's car as we wait for Maria and her roommate. They walk out of the apartment and you exclaim, "Holy shit! Maria's roommate is beautiful." Penny replies, "Maybe she'll want to commit." You playfully slap her and say, "Shut it. A girl can dream." Maria slides in behind Penny and kisses her on the cheek. You turn to face the roommate and you say, "Hi, I'm Y/N." The girl says, "Uh hi... I'm Sarah. I'm Maria's roommate." You reply, "Nice to meet you."

You go to dinner first because if you're going to consume alcohol, you need food in your body. That is a fact. (Like actually please eat before you drink and do not consume alcohol underage.) We went to this diner that has the best burgers ever. They get better after alcohol too.

You slide into the booth and Sarah slides next to you while smiling at you. You all order food and you say, "So, Sarah, I don't know if you've heard, but we like to dance when we go out. We go all out with the moves. Can you get behind that?" Sarah laughs and answers, "Yeah I can. Maria showed me some videos of some of the dances." You gasp and ask, "Oh god, which ones?" Sarah answers, "I happen to remember this sexy number where you gave someone a lap dance." Sexy ... ?!?!? I look to Penny and Maria to see if they've heard that comment, but they're very much having a conversation. I turn back to Sarah and say, "I know that video because I've only given one lap dance. God, I can't believe she showed you that. I'm glad you enjoyed it nonetheless." Sarah smiles and says, "Yes I did. Is it okay if I stick with you tonight? I know Maria is the designated driver and she's dating Penny, so they'll be together. I know nobody else because I haven't gone out in this town yet. I know it's weird that I haven't gone out, but I suppose I just haven't found the right people yet. So, is that okay?" You answer, "Of course it's okay. You don't have to feel weird about not going out. It's all good. Just a word of warning, Maria and Penny get hot and heavy as the night goes on. You don't want to be around that." Penny says, "Excuse me! I heard that!" You ask, "And what are you going to do about it? Deny it? It's true." Maria answers, "That's usually when you dance and make friends anyway. We never think of it as leaving you alone." You answer, "Tonight I won't be alone, I'll have Sarah." Penny and Maria gasp. Penny asks, "What does she mean, Sarah? Please tell me that Y/N is not bringing you into her dream of being in a relationship on a club night." WOW ... just wow... Sarah says, "I know I haven't been out as bisexual for long, but I would be proud to be with Y/N on any night... But tonight, I just asked to stick by her side. You two have each other. I know nobody else. I want to make sure I have someone that I know." Maria says, "God they're perfect for each other." You exclaim, "I am ignoring you two until further notice." Penny and Maria laugh.

The rest of dinner is fun and you love hanging out with them.

You all go to your friend's house to pregame a little. He has shots lined up as soon as you walk in. Penny, Sarah and you take 2 shots together to start. Then, you all sit on the couch with your friends that are there and you watch a movie. It seems weird that you eat out, pregame at friends with a movie, and then go out, but it's your Saturday routine. And god, you love this routine. Sarah is next to you and she has progressively gotten closer as you watch the movie tonight. Her arm presses lightly against yours and you can smell her perfume. You don't want to read into this, but you do like her and the proximity to her is almost heavenly. Your friends bring over beers and hard seltzers for everyone. More people enter the apartment. Everyone says hi and you introduce them to Sarah.

After more talking and drinking, everyone is ready to go out. Everyone heads to their car with their designated driver and you all head out for the club. It's time to party!!!!!!!!!! You can feel yourself getting tipsy. It feels good. You feel free and happy.

As you all wait for everyone to arrive at the parking lot, Sarah leans over to you and asks, "Can I ask you something?" You answer, "Sure." She says, "I'm really nervous about going to my first LGBTQ club and I've only been bisexual for 6 months. I don't want to rush into things and I know I've had some alcohol, so my decisions will be not great. I don't want to hook up with anyone, I just want to dance and have fun with people that I like. Could we pretend to be girlfriends so I can tell people I'm not interested in them?" You ask, "What if you are interested in someone else?" She answers, "I don't think I want anyone else." Is she saying what you think she is saying?! Or is she just saying she wouldn't date someone in the club scene? The alcohol is really clouding my thoughts. You agree because you want to see her happy and you like her. She smiles so widely before grasping your hand with hers.

Penny looks at over at one point and I mouth, "Don't even ask." Penny laughs.

After getting your IDs checked and getting your first round of shots, you all find a table to fit most of the group. Maria pulls Sarah for her first club dance.

Penny slides next to you and asks, "What happened with Sarah? She has been attached to you like you two are dating yet you seem both happy and confused about it." You answer, "Don't tell anyone. We are pretending to date." Penny gasps and you tell her about the conversation. Penny says, "She likes you. Holy shit! That was her attempt to try to ask you out but she didn't know how so she asked for you to be her pretend girlfriend. Come on, think about it, she's never really dated many girls and Maria tells me her love life is rough. She didn't want to face rejection for real again. Also, she was practically on your lap at Sam's place. She likes holding your hand. She said she wouldn't mind being in a relationship with you. Please tell her that you like her." You reply, "You saw that too! I was trying not to read into it. I didn't want to come off as too strong, but then she was leaning all over me on the couch. You're right. I should probably just tell her that I like her. We're already fake dating, what's the worst that could happen? I can actually think of worse things, so we're going to move on from this conversation." Penny replies, "Fine... Just so you know, Maria thinks you're hot together. I do too." You ask, "So, are you going to stop that other girl from flirting with your girlfriend?" Penny looks over to some girl obviously flirting with Maria and Penny storms over. Sarah sees Penny and immediately rushes back to me.

Sarah slides next to me where Penny was just sitting and says, "I thought that was about to get intense. That girl was just going on and on about herself to Maria. Maria even told her she had a girlfriend." You laugh and then ask, "Have you told anyone we're dating yet?" She answers, "Yeah, a few girls and Maria. Maria said she'd keep it a secret. Have you ... have you told anyone?" You answer, "Just Penny... speaking of you, you said earlier that you don't want anyone else. You also said that you would be proud to be with me. I know you haven't been out for a long time and that we barely know each other, but I like you. I like you and I think you're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met." Sarah smiles widely and says, "I like you a lot too. I've liked you from the first time watching that lap dance video." You laugh and say, "I can make that happen again whenever you feel ready." She smiles and replies, "I would really like that a lot, but not tonight. I do want to dance with you." You reply, "Say less. Let's go." We hop off the bench. You hold out your hand, which she gladly takes then presses a quick kiss to your cheek. You turn to her and give her a quick kiss on her cheek, but she moves at the last second and you're now kissing her on the lips.

On the dance floor, you two fully let loose. You dance and you have the time of your life.

[onippep]

Is it fine to talk about certain scars now?

................. Which ones. Guessing, for thematic sake, you mean these?

[gestures to his top scars]

I, uh, guess so. Pfft.

So, a little recap-- born in Italy, moved over here when I was 16. Shit happened at 19. Came back when I was 24.

[TW FOR MENTIONS OF CHILD ABUSE, WAR, GENERAL UNPLEASANT QUEER EXPERIENCE STUFF, TRANSPHOBIA + HOMOPHOBIA]

We lived in a super-rural area when I was a kid, so I had no idea what all of that was about. I'd find myself doing things that boys would do and I'd get slapped around for it, or never really liking girls. All my friends were boys. I had a lot of body hair for my age. It was weird to my family.

I got a taste of big-town culture from my cousins and uncles and aunts; they're eccentric, and I'm pretty sure one of my aunts was gay (she never married). I got along with her pretty well, but god, my madre hated her, pretty sure. Haven't seen her in a long time.

Bottom line, I was the "weird kid" of the family, so my parents figured (Also as Italians) to give me a brother and sister, see if they could socialize me properly. Maybe they fucked up the first time. Worth a shot, right?

While my madre was pregnant with my brother, we moved here. Maybe city life would do me good. I was thrust into a highschool barely knowing any English, and naturally flocked to the outcasts and socially awkward weirdos that would get tossed around by bullies and such. It was brutal. I met a girl that disguised herself as a boy and went by a boy's name. I met a boy that had a crush on one of the bigger boys of the school. It was a bunch of new experiences that... for some reason, even with my upbringing, didn't feel foreign or weird. It suddenly aligned with me, and I didn't really think about it until I looked in the mirror one day and wanted to throw up at how I looked. I tried dating a girl I got along with. Being a teenager sucks. That shit hits you like a truck and bleeds like an open wound that you have no idea how to stop.

Not that I had the time to find a way. I did bad in school, got held back a few years, and within that time aggressively took my identity into my own hands-- I'm not who my parents thought I was, I hated my name, I hated them, I hated everything. I got quiet. I hated myself because I wasn't the easy, good-grade getting child that was born loving the body it was in.

One day, my dad gets me alone. He asked me what I wanted to do after High School. I said art. He asked me again. I said art. He said that was the wrong answer. I asked him what he wanted me to say instead.

"If you really don't believe you're a girl, then it's time to be a man."

I thought this had good intentions until I was at the front door of bootcamp with some fresh scars on my chest, a few years of testosterone, and...

[sighs]

...

Uh, what was I-- right.

Right, yeah, I was pretty much fully out a few years after I was... discharged. I had a fling with Anton. A few women. Some men. Tried the bisexual label for a bit but found out I was just a full-on homosexual.

...Did I get the surgery before or-- no, I think I...

[blanks out for a few minutes]

...[scratches his head] I-- sorry, I think I got something mixed up. I think I got top surgery after 'all of that'. Shit's scrambled in here.

...

...Right-- I was a fully out transsexual gay man by... I think I was 35? It wasn't a huge focus of mine though since I wanted to try and start my own business. My family knew hard they fucked up with me so they kept their distance-- I let them know how much they failed me (after many years of thinking I was the screwup). Eventually they started using my new name. It was sudden, and there were no apologies.

I couldn't get my art degree, sssooo... Peppino's Pizza it is. Yippee.

Met Gus a year or so after I opened it, connected with a few of the Italian community on the outskirts of the city, uh... then I...

[pauses again]

--Sorry, this, uh, wasn't a really happy story, but I just. Wanted to say that it was worth keeping myself alive to see myself big, fat, hairy, balding, and smiling in the body I've got now. And happy with the men I've decided to let into my life to love me and this body. It's...

It's something. Better than nothing. I understand that now.

[portaltothevoid]

For Whom the Bell Tolls - Chapter 23 - Turn On Your Light

Pairing: Eddie Munson x OFC (Kat Ramsay), sequel to Foolin’

Summary: We learn more about Kat’s time at the lab. The gang finds a way to communicate with Dustin.

Warnings: none

Word count: 4.1k

Chapter song: Turn On Your Light by Judas Priest

Tag list: @munchabunch @madaboutmunson @earl-greater

Kat was groggy when she woke up. Her eyes slowly opened to blinding white light, causing her to squint and tightly shut them again. Groaning, she rolled over and buried her face in the pillow. The bright, blinding fluorescents were something she could never get used to. She sighed as she forced herself to sit up. It would be any time now she would hear the knock on her door signaling it was her area's time to use the restrooms. 

Sure enough, there it was. Rolling her eyes, she grabbed her bag and headed out of her room to freshen up. She went through the motions, following the line, and blending in. Her rebellious nature made her learn the hard way that was the most painless way to get through her time here. However long that was. It wasn’t like there was a specific graduation date for “superpowered lab rat kids” as she liked to say. 

She watched herself as she brushed her teeth. Life barely shone through her eyes. They were lackluster, dull. She hated seeing herself like this. Shaking her head in disgust, she turned away from the mirror, leaning her back against the sink. 

An announcement sounded over the PA system: “Good morning, children. Today we are starting with a group activity. When you are done with your morning routine, please join me in the Rainbow Room to await further instruction.” Then an orderly popped their head in to reiterate the message. “Just a few more minutes, children. Hurry, so you’re not late for lessons.”

With a scoff and an eye roll, Kat spit out her toothpaste in the sink. “I swear they think we’re stupid. I can’t wait to get out of this shit hole.”

“It is not safe there,” the small girl to her left said quietly. Her voice was soft from shyness.

“Have you seen what’s out there?”

“Papa said–”

“Papa is a liar,” Kat whispered angrily through her teeth, cutting the girl off. She grabbed her stuff and pushed off the sink.

“You are right,” she said before Kat fully passed her. She turned around to face the girl. “I did not want to believe it, but it is true.”

“At least we can agree on that,” Kat offered her a sympathetic smile. She went to pass the girl again, but she reached out and lightly grabbed Kat’s wrist. She could see the number tattooed on her wrist.

“There is a way out. You are very powerful, Ten. I think you could help us,” she said trepidatiously.

“Do you trust him? Trust One?”

“H-how do you know that?”

“I overheard you both in the Rainbow Room. I was at the table behind you,” Kat paused. She furrowed her brows in thought while she mulled her choices over. “But if there is a way out of this place, I’ll try anything to get back home.”

“He has to know you can help him.”

“He will. I’ll use that trick with a bad memory he told you about. Come on, Eleven, let’s go before they think we’re up to something,” Kat said with a low voice and a wink as she guided the other girl out.

They were ushered to the Rainbow Room and from there to one that was empty. All the children lined up against the wall, much like they did for their blindfolded exercise where they had to push an opponent outside of their circle. Only this time, there was nothing here except what seemed to be a cloth covered cage. It rattled. Whatever was inside snarled. 

In the middle of the room against each wall, stood two guards facing each other with some type of gun. The creature snarled again and the cage shook. The children gasped. The younger ones whimpered. 

“Good morning, children.”

“Good morning, Papa,” they all fearfully said in unison. 

“Today’s lesson is going to be very challenging for some. We are going to be working on suspension. The goal is to freeze your opponent in its tracks. If you are unable to do it, these guards will use their weapons to keep the creature back.” Dr. Brenner walked over to the cage and removed its covering. Whatever was in that cage was otherworldly. This wasn’t an animal; this was a monster. “This is an adolescent. It is very dangerous, but it is nothing some of you cannot handle.” The creature had slick, leathery skin. It stood on all fours and had the same stature as a large dog, but its head was in the shape of a flower. When it snarled again, everyone could see its head open to reveal hundreds of razor sharp teeth. “Two, can you be the first to demonstrate?” Dr. Brenner asked. He held a chunky remote in his hand. 

Two gulped, visibly nervous. He shook it off. Tilted his head from side to side. “Let’s begin,” Brenner said. He pressed a button on the remote and the sides of the cage released and fell to the ground. “Your goal is to guide the creature back onto the floor of the cage. Good luck.”

Barely anyone was able to get that monster back into its cage. Often, the two guards had to corral it back with flamethrowers. Two practically passed out from the energy he exerted. Most of the younger ones hardly reacted in time. This was straight out of a nightmare. Eleven was able to get it back into its cage. It took her a lot of effort, but she made it seem so much easier than it was, which earned her lots of sneers and jealous looks from the older children. Kat was the last one to go. 

Her placement worked to her benefit. Seeing the youngest of her “siblings” looking terrified and traumatized infuriated her. This lesson should have been for the older kids, the ones who could handle this better than an elementary school aged child. She stepped up and faced this creature head on. The hairs on the back of her neck rose. She glared behind it at her reflection in the mirror in front of her. She knew well enough that it wasn't a real mirror, there were probably a handful of people in white lab coats with clipboards analyzing every move each child made. Her rage bubbled inside her finally coming to a boiling point now that it was her turn to face whatever this nightmarish thing was. 

One’s words echoed through her head. An awful memory… She had plenty of those. The one that took the cake was her first day here. Her parents had told her she was going to a summer camp. They brought her to the lab, held her hand all the way into the building, until the next thing she knew, her mother’s hand was replaced by the chill of a stranger in a white coat. She called out to her mother and father. They simply waved and told her to behave, she was in good hands, this was a special place for a special girl like herself, and she might even see her uncle. They promised they would call her. She screamed at them not to go. Tears blinded her vision. Her voice hoarse from yelling for them. She was thrashing her limbs everywhere, trying to get away from the strangers that surrounded her. Then the memory fades. Probably because they used a strong sedative before she caused the place to implode. She hadn’t seen her parents since that moment. They left here at this lab without so much as an “I love you.” 

She held onto that pain, that anger. Now she coupled it with what they were putting her peers through, what she was currently going through. Taking a deep breath, she bowed her head, keeping her eyes on that grotesque creature. Her anger and pain radiated through her. She made it tangible. It rippled out of her arms. She let out a scream and as she did, the creature charged at her. She threw her hand in front of her. The creature froze. As she raised her hand, she raised the creature. The blood dripped down one side of her nose. She tossed her arm to the side, her whole body followed. The creature slammed against the wall. Then she swung her arm to the other side and with it went the thing in front of her, slamming against the other wall. She did that several times until the lights started to flicker. When she centered the creature in front of her, her face curled into almost a snarl, blood dripped down the other side of her nose. She brought her other arm up, brought her hands to her shoulders and then pushed them forward, straight out with an ear-piercing yell. The creature slammed into the two way mirror in front of her, causing it to shatter into little pieces. Then threw her hands down to her sides, which caused the creature to rip in half before it killed any of the observers. It landed on the floor with a squelching thud. 

Everyone watching gasped. Those on the other side of the mirror screamed as they dove out of the way. Directly in front of Kat, in the other room, was One. He was glaring at her at first, but he glanced down at the creature in front of him. When he looked back up, he started to cock his head to the side, but then Brenner intercepted Kat’s line of vision. Her chest was heaving. She turned her glare to the doctor in front of her.

“Everyone back to your rooms. Now!” Dr. Brenner commanded. Quickly and efficiently all the other children were herded out of that room. “Come with me,” he said, grabbing Kat by the wrist and leading her down the hall and then down another one to a random room where he slammed the door behind him.

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!”

“Yeah. I killed one of your pets you used to torment us with.” Kat was in no mood to tone herself down in front of Brenner. She had the upper hand here, now that he knew what she was fully capable of. Now that everyone else knew too.

“Ten, you can’t… There are certain people here…” Brenner sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “You can’t display your full power in front of everyone– in front of certain people like that.”

“Like One?”

“One isn’t–”

“Save it, Papa,” she said, his name oozing with mockery. “I know you hide him and keep him under your thumb. I’m not scared of him. Or you.”

“Well, you should be. You don’t know what he is capable of. How… How did you know about him?”

“I overheard him talking with Eleven.”

Brenner nodded. “Do you know why he was talking to her?”

Kat shrugged. “He explained she needed to use a terrible memory to amp up her power.”

“Yes… I thought as such… Is that what you did, Ten?”

“What do you think?” Kat scoffed. 

“Watch your tone,” he warned. “Will you look out for Eleven? One is not to be trusted.”

“I always try to watch out for her.”

“Good. Very good. She is vital to us. And now, you are too. Do you understand you can only display that amount of power in private lessons?”

Kat nodded.

“I said, do you understand?”

“Yes. I understand.”

“Very good. Tomorrow we will do one on one lessons. We will work on your ability to observe someone that is in a different room from you, so you can watch over Eleven. No matter what.” Brenner crossed the room and opened the door. He stuck his head out and waved someone over. “You used a lot of energy. Go back to your room now and rest.”

“Yes, Papa,” Kat mumbled as she was taken back to her small room. As soon as the door clicked shut, and her body hit her bed, she was out cold.

~~~

“Nancy? Robin?” Steve called as he shouldered the door open, helping Eddie carry Kat inside the alternate version of the Wheeler house.

“Here. Bring her here,” Nancy motioned.

“We, uh, didn’t know what shape she’d be in. We were hoping for, um, alive? So we took what we could that was soft and, you know, not covered in vines. Which, by the way, might be time to get a maid, Wheeler,” Robin chuckled as she nervously rambled as the boys gently set Kat down on a makeshift bed of blankets and pillows. “Kat is, um, alive, right?” 

Eddie nodded. “Mhm, yeah. I think it’s, uh, been a while since she’s used that much of her powers.” He never took his eyes off Kat, checking for any other signs she was hurt.

“Did you find the guns?” Steve asked.

“We made that instead. Had to get around the vines. Come on, I don’t want to stay here longer than we have to,” Nancy said as she started to go upstairs. 

“Come on, man. Let her rest. She’ll be okay here,” Steve assured Eddie. He patted his shoulder, nudging him to get up. Eddie nodded and started to follow the other girls up the stairs. 

Only a few steps behind them, Steve stopped and shone his flashlight around. He could hear some warbled, distant conversation. He looked down at Kat who was still knocked out. The rest of the group had already gone down the hallway. When he listened more intently, he swore he could almost hear Dustin’s voice. 

Nancy marched to her closet and threw open the doors. Her eyes went right to a white shoebox on the shelf. She grabbed it and placed it on her desk. When she lifted the cover, puzzled looks befell everyone.

“Those aren’t guns,” Eddie pointed out.

“These heels are pointy, but I was hoping for something along the lines of a deadly projectile,” Robin commented.

“I… I don’t understand,” Nancy said, bewildered. 

“Maybe you left them somewhere else,” Eddie offered, knowing all too well how it feels to misplace something, and foolishly hoping it was only going to be that simple.

“There’s a six-year-old in the house. I know where I keep my guns,” Nancy snapped. “And also, I threw these away years ago,” she said with a softer tone. Her eyes scanned her desk until her chemistry book caught her eye. There were flashcards on top of it. She started to flip through them, shaking her head in disbelief. 

“I get that grades are important to you, but perhaps studying can wait till we get out?” Robin asked, questioning how engrossed Nancy was over these flashcards.

“These are from sophomore chemistry. And this… This is old wallpaper. And this mirror, this went to a yard sale. And you…” She circled her room, pointing out everything that seemingly had not changed in her room. She picked up a stuffed animal on her bed. “You’re not supposed to be here. No, I gave you to cousin Joanna two years ago.”

When Nancy noticed yet another thing, Eddie turned to Robin and mouthed “Is she okay?” Robin only shrugged in response. Nancy pulled a book out from under a small pile on her nightstand and thumbed through the pages. 

“What is it?” Eddie asked when she started to shake her head again. Him and Robin moved closer to behind Nancy, trying to look over her shoulder.

“Nancy? You’re freaking me out,” Robin said.

“I think the reason my guns aren’t here is because they don’t exist yet,” Nancy spoke slowly in a way that towed the line between concern and fear. 

“They don’t… exist?” Eddie said through gritted teeth, clearly expressing his annoyance over this new plot development. 

“This diary should be full of entries. It’s not. The last entry is November 6, 1983. The day Will went missing. The day the gate opened. We’re in the past!”

Slowly, Eddie and Robin’s heads turned to look at each other, practically in shock over how what Nancy had said was real. Out of nowhere, they heard Steve shouting from downstairs.

“Dustin? Dustin!”

Robin bolted out the room first. Her friends immediately followed suit. They rushed back downstairs to see Steve shouting and jumping around the living room. Eddie almost tripped over Kat as he rounded the last step, grabbing on the railing. Luckily, his foot only knocked a pillow by her feet.

“Can you hear me? Dustin!” Steve kept yelling. “Du– Hello? Hel… Hello?!”

“Maybe he does have rabies,” Robin whispered to Nancy.

“Hello! Hello?”

A groan sounded from behind them. Eddie whipped around and was kneeling by Kat’s side in seconds. She was rubbing her eyes. “Babe, babe. Kat? Are you okay? How bad are you hurt?”

“Not as bad as Steve will be if he doesn’t stop his goddamn yelling!” Kat replied.

“Steve! Shut up for a sec!” Eddie snapped.

“Yep. She’s back, alright,” Robin chuckled quietly to Nancy. 

Kat slowly tried to sit up. Eddie guided her, gently wrapping his arm around her back, so she was sitting up straight. “I feel like…” she said groggily, “I put my head in a trash compactor.” 

Eddie’s eyes widened. “Is it… Is he…?”

Kat shook her head. “No, no. It’s just from using my powers to the max.” 

“Steve! What are you doing?!” Nancy said to Steve who was still calling out to Dustin. 

Steve whirled around, shining his flashlight right in Robin and Nancy’s faces. They held a hand up to their eyes to block the light.

“He’s here! Henderson. That little shit, he’s here. He’s like… here. He’s in the walls or something. Just listen,” Steve panted, out of breath from running around and screaming like a madman. After he paused, he pointed to his ear and nodded. “Dustin!” he exclaimed as if everyone else could hear what he was hearing. “Dustin! Dustin! Dustin! Can you hear me?” he shouted again. 

Kat started to stand. She grabbed hold of Eddie’s arm to pull herself up. Out of nowhere, she could hear another voice.

“That brings us to the first question you raised.” Dustin’s voice was distorted, muffled.

“Holy shit. Do you hear that?” Kat and Eddie paused mid movement. Mouths agape in shock.

“It– It’s Henderson,” he said.

“Help me up. Help me stand up,” Kat said quickly. 

“Dustin!” Nancy called out.

“You good?” Eddie asked, easing up on his hold of Kat. She took one step. Her movements were stiff, but the only pain she felt was in her head and even that was easing up. Eddie went over to the dining area. He hastily checked behind a curtain. “Dustin?” he shouted.

“Eddie, really? That curtain doesn’t even reach the floor. I think if he was behind there we’d see him?” Kat laughed.

“I dunno! Really weird shit has been happening. What if… There coulda been a mini Dustin there. I don’t know!” Eddie huffed. 

“Dustin!” Robin yelled. 

The more Kat tried to listen, the clearer Dustin’s voice became. “What does his voice sound like to you guys?”

“Kinda like he’s talking through a tin can?” Robin asked as they kept looking around for any clues. “You?”

“It’s getting clearer and clearer. And… and my headache is pounding less and less…” Kat couldn’t quite figure out how this was happening. 

“Alright, either this kid can’t hear us or he’s being a total douchebag,” said Steve.

“Will found a way,” Nancy noted.

“What?” Steve asked.

“Will. He found a way… to speak to Joyce… through the lights!” Nancy recalled as she rushed over to the nearest lamp.

Kat took a deep breath, trying to piece together what was happening and how it could be happening. Eddie went to go around her, but his foot caught on a dining chair. He stumbled forward. His chest went flush against Kat’s shoulder. He placed his hand on her lower back to steady himself. At the contact, her vision blurred which caused her to immediately shut her eyes and brace herself on the table in front of her. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Eddie whispered. When he took his hand off her back and moved around her, she could feel her headache start to throb again. “You okay?”

Kat furrowed her brows, unsure of what exactly was going on. She reached out and took Eddie’s hand in hers and squeezed it. Dustin’s voice sounded louder and less garbled. Her head felt clearer. “I… I can hear him better. And I feel better…” she brought their entwined hands up and shook them. Eddie simply nodded and gave her hand a light squeeze. 

Nancy tried to turn the switch on the lamp, but nothing happened.

“The switch. Try the switch,” Steve said. 

“Okay,” she said as she flipped the switch on and off and on and off. “It’s not working!” 

Kat could feel a surge of energy around her. There was a tingling sensation above her head. She looked up, seeing a faint glowing red sparkle around the chandelier. She reached above her to grab it. Her touch illuminated the light. It started to hum. The red surrounding the light fixture glowed brighter. 

“Whoa…” Eddie breathed.

Steve spun around and shone his flashlight on the chandelier. Kat turned to look at him, her face slack with awe and slight confusion. 

“You guys see this?” Kat asked.

“Uh-huh,” Steve mumbled as he and Nancy stepped closer to the table. 

Taking her hand off the light, Kat watched as the light dimmed. While it still could be seen, it was nowhere near as vivid. She let go of Eddie and it dimmed even further. Her headache came crashing back making her wince. Immediately she took Eddie’s hand again and even grabbed the light without thinking. “I don’t know why, but contact with Eddie and even this light, makes my head stop hurting. Like… I feel better. I feel stronger?”

“So are you saying… Eddie sort of has powers too? Or like a good luck charm?” Robin hypothesized.

“No… It– I’m wondering if…” Kat dropped her hand holding the light and held it out to Steve. “Take my hand Steve.”

“What?” Steve asked, his eyes darting between Nancy and Eddie. 

Kat shook her hand in front of him. “Take my hand,” she repeated sternly. 

“O–okay…” 

When Steve took her hand, she felt another surge of relief. Dustin’s voice became even clearer to her. It was like he was talking to her from upstairs, not another dimension. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I want both of you to grab the chandelier,” she instructed. As soon as Eddie and Steve’s hands made contact with that light, it shone as brightly as it would if there were actually electricity in the Upside Down. 

“...open a tear in time and space just like the mothergate.” Dustin’s words were clear as day.

“Okay, guys, take your hands off of the light.” As they did the light dimmed, but the red glow remained brighter than it had the last time.

“Nancy. Robin. I want you to touch the red sparkly light,” said Kat.

The girls nodded and they twirled their fingers in the glittering, red glow. Again, it became brighter. She looked to both Eddie and Steve who were staring in awe of this discovery. Kat nodded at them. “Your turn, now. Don’t touch the light yet. Just that, uh, light glitter.”

The boys copied Robin and Nancy’s movements. Steve scrunched his face in confusion. “It… tickles?”

“It kinda… feels good?” Robin mused. 

“I think it’s our connection to Dustin that’s making us able to affect the light,” Kat pondered.

Kat took a few more deep breaths. Still holding their hands, she could feel warmth radiating from Eddie and Steve. With each inhale, she felt herself regaining strength. Upon her exhales, she knew the pain was fading. Finally, she let go of their hands. She reached up and circled her finger in the light. A trail of sparkles followed her movement. The whole room was illuminated.

“Does anyone know morse code?” Nancy asked.

“No…” Robin and Steve answered in unison. Kat just shook her head. 

Eddie frowned, but then a realization hit him. “Wait, does S.O.S. count?” Kat dropped her hand by her side and her head dropped back as she let out a sigh. Nancy and Robin just squinted their eyes at him as in an exasperated, “really?” sort of way. “Is that… Is that good?” 

“That’s perfect, you idiot!” Kat said as she gave the back of his head a light smack. 

“Ow?” he said, fixing his hair where she ruffled it. 

Kat grabbed his hand again to make the light shine even brighter and Eddie began tapping away. 

“It’s working,” Robin remarked.

“Hey, uh… Remember when I said they wouldn’t be stupid enough to go through Watergate?”

“Yeah…”

“I, uh, overestimated them.”

Kat giggled as she heard Dustin clearer than ever. 

“What? What’d you hear? Can you hear him?” Steve eagerly asked.

Kat nodded. “Yeah, perfectly,” she laughed. “He knows we’re here.”

previous chapter | next chapter

[loser-female]

I'm sorry that you've gotten hate over having a boyfriend. This is one part of the radfem community that I too, could never get behind (and I'm as misandrist as we come).

I'm a lesbian radfem from a homophobic country and even though I have quite a liberal family, they are liberal for my country's standards, and I don't think I could ever be openly gay here. It's almost surreal to me to see the idea of a political lesbian - sexuality is NOT a choice!

Women's rights, health and safety - my mother, my sister, my female friends and teachers - are and always will be my priority. But if I could evade the stigma that comes with being a lesbian by simply picking to be straight, hand on my heart, I would. But I'm not straight, just like how some radfems aren't attracted to other women. That's just how it is!

It's not exactly "women's liberation"-ish of this community to shame women for finding partners that they love and trust or to assume that straight members of the community don't have the agency to drive their own relationships.

Hi!

Thank you for this message. I cannot comprehend how horrible it is for someone that lives in such counties, but I hope the best to you.

As you probably figured out yes, there is more to the story, and I discovered radical feminism last year, while me and my boyfriend have been together for a decade, we own an house too (I probably should say husband although we aren't legally married, but USians are weird around these things).

To me, I personally got myself a laugh at those anons, but it bothers me that an actual victim of abuse would receive those messages. I'm not even encouraging women to date men, I actually do the opposite(there is a reason why my links are all negative), but it's obvious even to stones that calling people names and wishing them harm is not a way to promote anything. This is why I choose to make people aware of how men are overall terrible partners.

I can get why and understand that my life choices are unpopular, and people are allowed to say "but that's not a good idea". I think that after all "is radical feminism compatible with dating men" is a good question and that there will always be different answers and this is a good thing! But this doesn't mean people are allowed to say "I hope you get abused". I hope no one gets abused. I'm a victim of child mental and emotional abuse and I'd give everything to prevent even a single person to go through this. I'm a feminist because in my utopian world no one gets abused and when it happens there will be community and resources for them. Not people telling them "but I told you so", "but you should know that men are evil" and shit.

That being said I will always support celibates, separatists, febfems and so on. I believe that in our difference there is good and that we can take collectively valuable lessons.

After losing so many years to illness I'm doing the best I can. And doing the best you can involves compromises sometimes. I always pictured myself living alone, but I'm not able to(and it didn't happen anyway). There is so many things my health took from me, and now I'm finally starting to be okay with how things turned out.

About political lesbianism, there were few interesting things going on radblr a couple of weeks ago, it's a really weird and homophobic idea that has nothing to do with women loving women. It's the kind of thing that happens when you hate men more than how much you love women.

I hope your country "will get there" in terms of gay rights soon enough, you deserve to live your life fully in your own truth.

Again, thank you for reaching out to me, but in reality I should have been reaching out to you and reassuring you.

[izzyiswizzy]

It’s been 2 years since it was last updated, yet I’m here again!

Tumblr always was a safe space for me and I guess it will remain the same, even with the passage of time. Something about the idea that people you know and care about are unlikely to find your page and read your posts seems borderline appealing to me. Okay, let’s make a little update on my life, rewind and think bout how we got here.

First of all, I’m 20 now. On January 2022, here I posted a story of how I tried to get my shit together and pass IELTS exam without adequate prep, well I ended up scoring 7.0 even tho I could do at least 7.5 but 10 days of prep prolly weren’t enough and that’s totally ok, I was still so excited and grateful and then the uni application season began! I applied to several schools, Anglo-American uni in Prague, KIMEP in Almaty, some public uni in village-like town in Poland the name of which I don’t even recall, even freaking community colleges in the States, then I return to my hometown and my mum proposes an offer to go to Istanbul to see some unis there. I was like, why not, cause at the time I was fully confused and not ready to deal with emotional separation and the idea to go and live overseas and to catch a cold there felt diabolical and scared the shut out of me. Istanbul seemed like the smartest option with convenient flights that last 2-3h and pretty normal prices (almost the same as most European ones as I found out later). So, we get there 2-3 days later, land there, check in, fall asleep to the sound of chaos and wake up to go shopping. The day after we go to Medipol university, our first location, to see what even unis are in Ist. We took the bus, the ride was kinda exhausting cause your girl was using bus for like 3rd time in her life but it was so worth it. Me, my dad and mum enter the uni, it was an open house day, strangely enough. Then I see that uni and I’m like: “Seems like it was designed in a sophisticating manner and even has Starbucks on the entrance floor, I’m in.” That’s it. Starbucks was a normal coffee shop for me at the time, the whole Palestinian thing hasn’t started yet and times were more or less peaceful.

A week later we come back to Atyrau, Kz and I start preparing all the documents required for application. Then I get in. Then we buy tickets and the remaining month before leaving for studying I spend in my hometown, mostly by taking care of myself, working on my hobbies and hanging out with my local friends. It was August, or September, now I don’t know, when me and my friend were supposed to meet in a cafe near my place and I was a bit late so I walked there and when I entered the cafe I saw someone sitting across from my friend. We greeted each other with my friend and he introduced me to this guy who was acting really nonchalant and chill, even apathetic in some way. Then, I don’t know how but we became really good friends. I guess it was that my original friend texted me after they drove me home and said that this guy asked for my number. I was like yeah, why not. After that, we started hanging out more and there were periods when I was ghosting him and we stopped talking for many months, but even now we talk. That’s also a lesson, people you meet, you meet them randomly, maybe the moment you were in a rush getting ready to have a chat and an iced latte is the moment this guy bumped into your friend and decided to go to the cafe with him and this exact moment was just meant to be without you guys realising. I do believe in fate, I do believe in chance, so I guess it was just it. And I adore this mf!

Also, when I was 18, I first started dating a guy. No, not the one I met in a cafe. I will not dive into details cause it’s kinda pointless but basically it was a positive experience. I would even rate it, as if I used ordinal data, very good. Why not excellent? Cause we weren’t meant to be, that’s the missing point. This guy is kinda older tho, wanted to marry, when I say marry I mean quickly, he wanted me to be this traditional woman which I kinda am but without being too into it lmao. Like, ok man, I do adore traditional values and want men to be gentlemen and open doors for women and go to war and build architectural wonders and women be nurturing mothers and drive their children to the kindergarten, educate them and be a soft and loving wife but BRO I was 18 at the time. Why will you even tell me that. 2 years do make a difference and that’s the best thing. I want a career, I mean, I’m working on it. But I do believe that being a mother is beautiful and it’s like a natural function that you do experience if you consent and it’s fucking beautiful. And ofc, it ruins your health to some extent, depending on many factors, so you need to rest and not work your 9 to 5 in the office or with some toxic bitches. So yeah, I guess after all years of reevaluating my beliefs I came to the conclusion, I’m a traditional woman, for Fuck’s Sake.

Also, my fingers are tired of typing so I guess it’s time to wrap up. Let’s call it a day for today. I’m really happy that I started using this page again cause honestly, I love to talk about my life just like everyone does. So, if someone is even reading it, wishing you peaceful time full of positive energy and success. Be good to yourself and to others, bye!

[gaoootic]

Today marks one year of when I started learning jp sorta just because. Well I think it was on the 8th but the 365 days are up so whatever!!!

This isn't actually a jp learning blog but I guess I'll frame the post for someone who's tryna get into it for ease of writing. (no silly mspaint doodles this time around for lack of time sadly)

Things I learned: ☼ shit like basic grammar, apparently I'm up in the N3 trenches fighting for my life right now, but I still feel like I don't have a good enough solid foundation. This will likely fill itself out in time with actual use. ☼ Roughly between 2500-3000 words (though I'd say most are barely at 'seen' level rather than learned) ☼ Around 600 isolated kanji (though again mostly just recognition, in reality I'm basing most of my so-called knowledge on whether I could stare at it for 5 minutes and go "OH ITS THAT... FUCKIN THING, MAYBE" off the top of my head) ☼ I am way more stubborn than I thought I was and I already thought it was plenty. ☼ You don't actually have to be organized and keep everything nice and pretty to be studying, if you get it done you get it done and that's that. ☼ YOU CAN DO FUN STUFF WITH YOUR IME LOOK AT THIS ※↓↗☞☆彡 it's so good they made a bunch of unique little unicode characters or whatever they are and decided to gate them all behind esoteric weeb knowledge ｙｏｕ　ｃａｎ　ｅｖｅｎ　ｔｙｐｅ　ｗｉｄｅ

Things I liked: ☼これはペンです ☼ I've been reading nichijou with a lot of lookups and all, and though I do feel confused most of the time still sometimes I look at stuff and just straight up understand it which often warrants the good old 'huh cool.' reaction. ☼ Calling it a routine may be a bit much but checking "doing the jp stuff" off my mental to-do list for the day feels nice ☼ Watching number go up in terms of stats is fun ☼ A bunch of nerds made so many tools and books and videos and more to learn this thing I'm like a thief scurrying about taking all their knowledge they just left out by the window to cool down what fools. ☼ Seriously, even when I'm making the most sluggish of advances through hordes and hordes of sentences and textboxes, playing a game in its original language or reading a volume of manga is really cool. At the moment of doing it I don't really think about how strange it is to be able to do so, but reading something while abiding by rules you don't fully grasp and still coming out with an adequate understanding of what was going on is oddly entertaining. ☼ I managed to get through a full playthrough of Tokimeki memorial 1 which, although I believe it has an english fan translation, is a JP only game with relatively simple writing. I recommend it if you don't vomit at the sight of dating sims if only as a way to test whether you understand like 80% of stuff and get some new vocab in. Careful with the text scrolling speed tho ☼ It is nice to have something to be a little ambitious about ☼ anki and kanji

Things I didn't like: ☼ Grammar. hell. ☼ Typing ん still, fucker ☼ By the gods if you ever decide to take this chungus ass hobby up consider VERY, VERY CAREFULLY if you want to interact with the surrounding community. Everywhere I look it's people meticulously calculating the single best possible way to study down to the microsecond. It is insane to me that people are playing ranked on this language and aiming for world record holy fuck. On the surface I understand the sentiment of wanting to be efficient and productive about it, but some seem to take it so far. You cannot learn a language in a month. Hell, not even in a year, probably not in two either. I think so, at least. ☼ Your yt recommended videos won't stop giving you jp learning related stuff which is a difficult hole to claw out of. Not actual jp stuff, jp adjacent content. I had to make a second account for actual jp stuff and change location to japan every time I use it otherwise I'm almost certain it would further mess everything up. This isn't necessarily the fault of the japanese language itself, but it has bothered me for so long. It's all like... beginner blackhole too. Which makes sense due to the nature of bigger number of people = bigger number of profit, but nevertheless it is rather irritating. ☼ The overabundance of tools there are for learning gets a bit overwhelming at first because you don't know wtf to pick and stick to and people will always debate "no this is good" "no this is bad" "dude you literally cannot learn grammar off of the back of a cereal box you are delusional" ☼ I forgot languages, specifically in casual speech, tend to just omit like half the rules because you're assumed to already know how it works. In jp alone you see things like particle omission, conjugation abbreviations, the usage of stuff like pronouns, etc etc. And like, sure it's fun once you actually GET what is going on but when you think about it it's a little funny how languages just make up a bunch of rules and then go "yea they take too long whatever lets skip these unless we need to look fancy" ☼ I also forgot words have very specific nuances that you can't easily grasp when you first get started ☼ anki and kanji again

Things I want to try to do in the future: ☼ First contact already was sort of a disaster (Word by word I believe I was told ビジネスっぽい in good nature but I couldn't help getting flashbacks at when I got told I sounded or used an archaic expression in english class and thus I got utterly obliterated instantly (not even ashes left behind)) but it'd be nice if In the future when I'm not as absolute dogwater at actual production I could find jp speakers to once in a blue moon write a message to for 8 hours and then have them go ???何これｗ because I wrote it in ultra keigo (DO NOT USE THE KANJI FOR YOROSHIKU DO NOT DO IT) with broken grammar. If I pluck up enough courage for it, that is. Or enough stupidity, either works. May whatever deity help whoever I end up crossing. ☼ I'd like to venture more into watching actual youtube videos in japanese. However, for that, I sorta need to think pretty deliberately on what type of video I want to watch. Not only because I'm sure it'll range widely from level to level in just about any topic, but also because thinking about what to watch is a bit of a hassle. More rewarding, though. ☼ I'll keep reading manga first because it's what I'm more comfortable with, but I'd also like to get started on listening comprehension because man do I absolutely suck ass at that. ☼ Reach the level of a 2-year-old kid's proficiency ☼ 上手になりますよ‼️‼️MAYBE ペラペラ that one's still up in the air

Some advice if someone stumbles upon this post: ☼ Take stuff one day at a time. And I seriously do mean this. Do not focus on your goals or objectives and get discouraged unless you feel like you really have to, I found just going "HELL YEAH +5 WORDS TODAY" to be more rewarding (even when I wasn't feeling all that accomplished) compared to busting my own balls over whether I fully grasped each and every delicate grammar point in a sentence. Believe me it doesn't feel like it at all when you're in the middle of it but the thing about learning a language is that every little footprint you make ends up mattering more than you'd initially think. ☼ Not everything will have furigana, hell I doubt most things will, so get some sort of OCR thing to take screenshots for kanji lookups on yomitan or whatever, you will go absolutely batshit insane if you use jisho.org's radical lookup tool or try to draw them by hand. HOW are you meant to use that if you do not even know stroke order, the recognition in those things is godawful. ☼ Anki word reviews hit 100 times harder than new words, if you're studying other stuff at the same time seriously be mindful of your limit and lower how much you do in a day or you will go mad ☼ Streaks ARE helpful but ultimately don't let them define your behaviour ☼ If people tell you this is easy they are either lying to you because they want your money for some course they're selling or they aren't expressing themselves very well. Learning jp is "easy" in the sense that the activities you do to attain that goal aren't exactly overly strenuous, but it is a time sink and a braincell sink also. or idk they're doing that thing where they go "HMPH.... WHAT A PEASANT......... HOW DAREST THEE NOT BE COGNISANT IN THE WAYS OF THE BLADE.... FOR ME IT WAS QUITE SHRIMPLE, REALLY. 🦐" just to flex that some people enjoy doing. I think it's entertaining personally maybe a little endearing ☼ Whenever possible be more pragmatic than idealistic or rigid as regards usage. Sounding like a textbook is fine its what you learnt probably, doing the wrong pitch accent I'm sure is whatever in 99% of cases, stringing together an entire sentence with only words and 0 grammar linking them is probably worth doing provided you can be understood. If it works it works. ☼ Golden rule is halfass it then go back sometime later once you're more advanced and fullass it. As long as you sorta understand and get the gist of it, move on and keep going. Otherwise, you will get stuck. For the longest time I struggled to remember stuff like い adj and な adj "conjugations" but you do this thing where you're forced to revisit concepts anyways later on so you can just do lookups then. ☼ Actual golden rule is just do whatever works best for you ☼ but don't use chatgpt lmao

And now for some stats.

no clue what any of this shit means.

whoaaa look at this cool graphics I hit 40k reviews whoaa

Wonder how accurate some of these are because 9.53s per card does not sound right and considering the usage of other tools 106 hours is nowhere near right

shoutout to those 1 am reviews I did once Random thoughts and other tidbits ☼ N5 AND EVEN N4 TO AN EXTENT CONTENT IS SO BORING!!! I swear if I have to read about that one chihuahua again bro oh my god. Most of the time you'll end up reading something that's a bit too hard for you because it uses grammar found deep within the mariana trench cuz that's the only stuff I seemingly find fun. I've been rereading my alltime favorite manga again this time in jp and I swear even if it has furigana this shit is throwing hands. Still, I don't mind reading something a little more out of my level if it means not dying of boredom. Maybe I just didn't find anything particularly engaging and it was a skill issue on my part though. ☼ ヰ looks so cool why did they get rid of it canonizing it now Avvino's name in jp would be アッヸノ regardless of whether its some sort of aberration of the language whatever I get to play with it because you threw it away EXCEPT FOR THE WORD WHISKEY SOMETIMES LIKE- ☼ Ateji and rendaku will haunt my nightmares. Sometimes the language feels like a slot machine but its fine because gambling keeps me on my toes i guess ☼ I was such a little fool back then. What an innocent man. Thinking "wow why don't they just use their phonetic alphabets and spaces for writing?" You absolute cretin. I tried so hard to play the old pokemon games but I am too weak to face full hiragana writing. god. the sorrow. ☼ I wonder how long it'll take for someone to go "OMG WOW YOU'RE LEARNING JAPANESE??? SAY SOMETHING :O" but I guess for that to happen I kinda need to meet people first. I haven't even been told うおおお日本語上手ですね yet why do i even bother ☼ IMAGINE ALL THE REVENUE I COULD'VE GOTTEN IF I MADE MY OWN SHITTY CLICKBAIT SERIES.... GOD......... ☼ Physically restraining myself from using kenjougo internally in my brain every time I try to come up with a sentence even if it would be broken and not even remotely correct has proven difficult but i WILL sound like a normal human being. eventually. with some luck. I hope. please

☼ Talking to yourself like some sort of little creature in a terrarium works again! It is a wonderful method and it even makes you look absolutely insane. what's not to love? ☼ 2k6k deck is... wtf.... I mean its whatever ultimately since you just want a baseline of words to then be able to read most of what you actually want to end up reading but the more I do of it the more......... wtf......... guess it goes with me being a salaryman (100% factual btw) ☼ I wonder if there are actual learners who do handwriting like... legit. Like they learn the stroke order and practice each and every single kanji they come across. I would die. I can't even write kana as evident from the mirrored の half a year ago on that post I did from memory. ☼ JP is a really fun language to play around with actually. Like yea sure you WILL have people staring at you with dread because of your creations but so what? a little horror has never hurt anyone ☼ Why do people even like duolingo I cannot use that thing for shit I find it so annoying ☼ the amount of little quirks japanese has is so vast there must be like an iceberg for this. Things like は sounding like わ as a particle at the top and then stuff such as forbidden kanji version of words a little below. Best way to jumpscare me would be with a random 此処 encounter, look at that beastie. ferocious Im sure of it ☼ everywhere i look people treat jp and jp stuff so weirdly lol not me though Im different and one of the good ones and built different so its fine (true and real) ☼ oh I should check out if I can read Ib in jp I fucking love that game ☼ one time I used the word dust but not the word dust itself rather the word dust that meant garbage in japanese and then someone pointed it out because it was a silly self deprecating joke I think and I will never live that down I erased whatever it was I wrote and never showed my face around that discord server ever again in my life this is what exile felt like in the middle ages. I haven't even read what was said I bet it wasn't even that bad. ☼ typing in japanese in minecraft is such a pain in the ass for some reason ☼ One year isn't that much time even when you're crawling day after day ☼ I learned to play riichi mahjong btw not well but I guess I thought "sure I mean I guess might as well" not in like real life but online game rules and it's decently fun enough honestly, I thought it was way more complicated than it really was but it helps when you can see what number kanji shit is. why is 5 different though

Closing thoughts.

So, congratulations shitass. You made it to one year. I'll be generous and grant myself full credit this time. Even if time goes on regardless, it is no small task to accomplish to do this each and every day, however easy it may technically be. 上出来でしたぜ。

Final verdict was this a waste of my time? are my results up to this point disappointing? am I gonna give up anytime soon?

fuck if i know but for tomorrow i'll keep doing it, and then after that day I'll ask myself if I wanna continue again, and so on. It's just a hobby at the end of the day, it is what you make of it.

[divergent-one-1984]

Organized Crime Ring in Astoria, NY, in a neighborhood under the jurisdiction of 114th PRECINCT and in apartment buildings managed by CENTRAL ASTORIA, LLC. I have been the victim of TARGETED COMMUNITY HARASSMENT SINCE SUMMER 2016 because of my race and gender, I am an African American woman (because of a rumor / gossip mill started by staff at NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION while I was employed there from 2014 to 2016 I was made the victim of TARGETED PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT). Due to the illegal access and leaking of private, personal, confidential information by wiretapping / cloning / hacking of personal devices and illegal surveillance in my residence. This includes leaking of confidential medical information (HPV, strains that can cause cervical cancer and an Abortion) - Blackberry Messenger (BBM) between DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON and myself in MARCH 2011 - I ENDED OUR CASUAL DATING RELATIONSHIP that began in the BRONX, NY in MAY 2010 (per a blind date hook up by mutual acquaintance SHO CLARK) - POST 2 of 3 - BBM Exchange with DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON MARCH 2011 pages 1 through 2)

DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON'S Blackberry Messenger (BBM) Pin # is 3232520E.

This conversation started out with DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON reaching out to me to get $$ to repair the brand new SONY PLAYSTATION game console I bought him for his birthday in NOVEMBER 2010 and then turned into him asking me for $$ to pay his rent because apparently he had just decided while we were in this conversation to pay to repair the PLAYSTATION with his rent money, which was $140, with the assumption that I would just give him the $$ because I have taken care of him in the past when he needed things.

I did not give him too much $$ maybe $50 on a couple of occassions, but I did send hella care packages of toiletries and basic needs as well as personal items he left in US, paid a speeding ticket he had in NYS, and used calling cards to call him before he had access to Internet.

Based on this history, I guess he felt I would just give him the money but I did not and I ended things with him after this exchange. I believe DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON thought I was his personal ATM after awhile.

PAGE 1 of 5

3232520E: "I got it repaired but I used my rent money to do it"

PAGE 2 of 5

ME: "Ok so wtf is all this about?"

3232520E: "So if I can't my money from denver tomorrow I will have an issue" (denver is the basketball team DEVIN played for in EL SALVADOR, CENTRAL AMERICA)

3232520E: "Hate your shakiness that is what this is all about"

ME: "U making shit up ME: " Now" ME: "U being shakey"

3232520E: "If u can help me please do" 3232520E: "Ummmm no"

ME: "Yes u are" ME: "Wtf u telling me about some shit's that's already repaired"

3232520E: "I just took 140 dollars to fix it because it is cheaper than mailing it and getting it sent back…."

ME: "That's fine but its done already so y r we even talking about it?"

3232520E: "I just fixed it I'm not even powering it on till I get to the new house"

ME: "Ok"

3232520E: "Because I need help in paying for it"

ME: "I can't help u" ME: "Sorry" ME: "U prob won't get money from me until I feel we r in a different kind of place cause all I'm gonna think is ur going to use the money I give you on someother chick"

(At this point I knew about DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON and 19 year old gf, ELISA VELASQUEZ (he is 30 at this point, I think this is a little gross and borderline pee-dough, 19 is still a baby as far as I am concerned even though I know girls tend to mature faster than boys, but anywho)

I found out DEVIN was "in a relationship" by stumbling upon his relationship status accidentally on Facebook instead of him telling me.

DEVIN was up front about his polyamorous lifestyle before he moved which is why I never fully took things seriously especially since we were long distance as well, I was just having fun for these reasons and some others until I did not want to have fun anymore.

DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON stated he would tell me about such things, these were his words I expected him to stand on them but he didn't, I sat on this information for at least a month at this point.

I was waiting and giving him the chance to tell me like he claimed he would, but he never did so this is where my mind was at at this point and eventually at the end of this conversation, which is somewhere on a computer / usb drive, I basically told him, if you are claiming women on FB, ask them for money, don't call on me from another country when you have a gf right there. Don't try to play me because I thought he and I were better than that)

ME: "If you need something tangible"

3232520E: "Was hoping u would at least go half with me in fixing it since I'm not mailing it anymore…."

ME: "For urself" ME: "I can help but actual $" ME: "Feel funny about it" ………………….

3232520E: "Can u phathom all the negative things I want to say to u right now….."

ME: "I'm sure"

3232520E: "I have a contract to sign tomorrow so I can have a place to live since margarito asked me to move out"

3232520E: "And u have the nerve to downplay my needs to that of money going to some chick" 3232520E: "Right" 3232520E: "Thank u"

ME: "y would u use rent $ to repair ps3" ME: "?"

3232520E: "So much for" 3232520E: "Your understanding"

ME: "Because first of all u lied about the ps3" ME: "?" 3232520E: "I what" ME: "U made it seem like it still needed to be repaired"

3232520E: "I never lie" 3232520E: "I'm done" 3232520E: "Fuck u" ………………. 3232520E: "All u do is urk me"

ME: "Did u not just make it seem as if it still neede to b" ME: "Sent back here"

3232520E: "Every fucking time u bleed"

(So, I had to add some context to this just because I think it's utterly ridiculous and laughable and shows how deeply misogynistic DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON is.

This is a tired ass thing for a man to say to a woman; blame us having a disagreement because I have my period? This is like middle school / high school sh!t; most men don't seem to bypass this maturity level anyway so I suppose I should not have been surprised he would say such a stupid thing that is patently false.

First of all, this is a blanket misogynist statement, while I do acknowledge that as women we go through hormonal changes that can alter our moods in different degrees at any point during our menstrual cycle, not just when we are actually bleeding, but whatever that altered state is, if at all, it varies from woman to woman.

When you have been around me longer than a month then we can talk.

For DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON to put that out there as if its true and as if he knows anything about when I bleed is ridiculous.

I don't recall if I actually had my period during the time of this exchange, based on what I guesstimate to be the date of this exchange it's entirely possible I did have my period but DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON has literally only been around me possibly 1 time during my period if I had my period during the month we hung out in NYC before he moved and if I did I may or may not have hung out with him during this time or for at least part of this time.

If we did hangout, I don't recall him saying anything about "my bleeding" during that period of a little over a month that we physically spent together during SUMMER 2010 and we did not hang out everyday, maybe 2 - 4 days each week, after we met in person about a week or so after we started talking on the phone.

Most of the time we were "hanging out" was spent in 2 different countries.

I met DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON in late MAY 2010 in NYC, DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON moved to EL SALVADOR, CENTRAL AMERICA the first week of JULY 2010. I literally spent about 1 month in DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON'S physical presence, including the 3 day weekend I visited him in NOVEMBER 2010 to celebrate our birthdays together.

DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON has not been around me long enough to know how the hell I am when I bleed.

DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON was basically trying to deflect from his poor decision making and throwing a temper tantrum because I wouldn't give him money; antagonize me for no reason, that will certainly get you what you want, sure….lol.

Additionally, to further point out the obsurdity of DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON'S statement, the 2 actual relationships I have had in my life of which I spent more time with each of them than my hanging out with DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON, neither one of them has ever said anything about my period being a catalyst for an argument / disagreement.

Those men had been around me physically for more than 1 instance of my period. The first relationship was with a man I met shortly after graduating college whom I lost my virginity to, he was around me for at least 12 periods, not once did he ever say you know when you bleed you are this or that or you must have your period why are you are being a b…., etc. lol.

The other relationship lasted for 4 years with an additional year and a half of toxic uncoupling (for more details see any post about WILFRED SHAWN KIRKLADY) You will see the receipts of WILFRED SHAWN KIRKALDY saying some pretty sh!tty, disrespectful, emotionally / verbally abusive things to me and generally doing the most with his extreme and erratic thinking / behavior and the tendancy to attempt to tear down my self esteem with some of his comments, however you won't see him saying anything about everytime I bleed yadda yadda yadda.

I don't recall WILFRED SHAWN KIRKALDY stating that in any of those communications, additional communications that I have not posted, or any verbal argument we ever had.

WILFRED had been around me for at least 60 periods, where at least over a dozen were while we lived together under the same roof, so DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON was basically just pulling sh!t out of his ass because of his emotional immaturity and instability.

And for additional TMI, I can be irritable and more impatient than normal, but not angry irritable (and if I sense that because I have been with myself through many periods obviously, I am in my late 40s and hope to be in perimenopause cause I'm over this annoyance and don't want children so pointless, anywho, I will stay to myself, take some aspirin, if available a heating pad, watch youtube videos, and just lay down and rest especially for the first 2 to 3 days.

I literally don't have all the energy for the nonsense DEVIN ELTON THOMPSON is talking about, DEVIN just wanted to blame me for a problem he created.

I am a sleepy / sluggish / lethargic / bloated / sensitive (romantically and generally), withdrawn, quiet, and prone to shed some tears from watching a scene in a movie or some ish like that period girl, so all this "bleeding" agressive, vindictive bitch energy I was supposedly giving him isn't even my style, maybe its some other woman he was with in the past or present, maybe he got us confused since we all / most of us are interchageable and seem to just be a scapegoat, anatomy to achieve sexual pleasure and / or a money / resource tree for him, and not necessarily a fully fleshed out human being, lol)

3232520E: "No dick"

ME: "For"

3232520E: "I was at the place"

ME: "Me to send it back to sony?

3232520E: " Considering what was my best option" (DEVIN ELTON THOMPSPON'S best option would have been to pay his rent instead of using the money to repair a video game console and trying to get me to pay for it as if he is not a grown ass 30 yr old man with an actual girlfriend in EL SALVADOR, that should be able to help him out if being claimed on Facebook, BTW, a girlfriend that he still at this point had no clue that I knew about and had known about for like a month before this exchange. I was waiting to see if he would tell me outright without me having to prompt it out of him or having to spill the tea myself.

I didn't care about the girlfriend because we were not exclusive and because of the non negotiables he told me about before he moved I never took our situation that seriously, I liked him but not enough to overlook the red flags / dealbreakers; I was just there to have fun and have an experience until I felt it was time to move on.

I only cared that he did not tell me like he stated he would. I approach each person I meet as an individual, if the energy matches my energy and you are cool, easy going like myself, and the energy seems to be positive and not negative then I will rock with you until you show me different.

I was willing to help him out still if he needed help with actual things like toothpaste, socks, etc but no money (basically all the basic toiletries and other basic needs shit I sent to him when he first moved because he appeared to have moved to EL SALVADOR, CENTRAL AMERICA with a wing and a prayer, the clothes on his back and maybe a toothbrush, lol; based on all the stuff he asked for, I purchased and mailed him).

If I could help without putting myself out on some friendship sh!t, like I rock with you because you are a human being that I like and we vibe I was willing to do it but since he was not talking about the things he claimed he was going to be honest about then I can't rock with you no more because you just don't respect me on a basic human level and I have no choice but to think that you are just using me.

I just wanted him to stand by his word and he did not and then tried to turn this whole thing around on me as if I owed him anything in life. I was not his mom, family member, his girlfriend, just some chick he got hooked up with through a mutual acquaintaince less than a year ago.

There must have been a number of people of higher priority level above me that could have helped him out in his time of need)

3232520E: "U calling me a liar" 3232520E: "I just fixed it while I was writing u telling u the cost to send it"

ME: "Ok"

3232520E: "I shouldn't have to explain myself any fucking way"

(DEVIN is asking me for money and claims he does not need to explain himself/ I'm sorry but the audacity of some of these mofos, no shame. In general, not even on some man / woman -ish, if someone asks for money there should be some kind of explanation involved, especially with the information I have in my back pocket.

I'm thinking to myself ask your 19 year old gf, don't ask me. If you are claiming you are in a relationship with someone they should have your back and maybe you don't have to explain yourself to them, idk)

3232520E: "U want to doubt me" 3232520E: "And be a biutch saying money is going to some other bitch" 3232520E: "And u wonder why we ain't in a cool place" 3232520E: "Are you fucking kidding me" 3232520E: "U think this is what I want or expect from someone who loves me" 3232520E: "Can't stop thinking about me" 3232520E: "U r the fucking liar not me"

[casserolephd]

Sooo funny that I literally had a crush on Alex and like didn't realize it enough for me to feel anything about it other than like very nice platonic love and affection for each other. And him having a crush on me this whole time and what he said about seeing me with Chris lmao I can't believe it!!! Like how beautiful that these are real things we felt about each other and it's turning out to be soooo beautiful and we didn't even know it lol. Like I don't even know what would have happened if I'd realized I liked him. I feel like I was about to realize and then I just let something completely different happen bc I really didn't know what I wanted. And when I tell Al that I think I would've felt weird if we'd kissed or something back in the day, it's fully because of ME and not him, like I really was just a different and aimless and so anxious person. I'm so much more comfortable with myself and I've worked through so much but also have been in a long relationship that allowed me to actually communicate and feel my feelings and work through something with another person. Like I don't think I would have been able to sustain this nice of a relationship back then. I'm sure I wouldn't have been like mean or even weird about it, I think I would just be like confused and maybe honestly a little weird just not knowing what to do or how to feel. It's interesting to think about but I was so much more passive than I am now. It's such ridiculous luck that I saw Alex again and immediately felt something romantic towards him and wanted to start dating him and was able to do that without knowing that he had a crush on me this whole time. Like lol. That shit is so beautiful and pure. Like real love story shit fr fr fr no cap on god

[curlynye-blog]

Dirty Computer and the Presence of Love in the African American Community.

Blog #1 I really wanted to focus my blog assignment on Dirty Computer. I mentioned a few times during the discussion how the biggest theme I found was Love. I started reading this book called Black Love and Why Black women can’t get it, and it really showed light on the history of slavery. How historically black women have never been able to pick and chose their own mates, and if they did happen to fall in love their husbands would be forced to watch as the master raped the woman, sold their children, and beat both into submission. There was no room for love, love was never something that was never seen as accessible for African Americans. Nevertheless the choice of polyamory. This is why I think that it is more important than ever for Afrofuturism to have love in it, more importantly, Black Love. I truly do believe that it is so important more than any other thing because of the fact that it has been seen as inaccessible. Even within social media today, black women are shamed for s interracial dating while black men are praised for having what one may call a “snow bunny”. We are so divided as a race that Janel’s representation of not only queerness but also of both partners being black, is an embodiment of the feminine and masculine traits of blackness. Black love is something in the future for us, we are no longer forced to be breeders for the master, within the walls of Afrofuturism, even the current institutions of incarceration can’t stop us from experiencing the freedom and beautiful forms of expression that comes with loving one another. And that beauty and need for love births creativity and even passion. My favorite song in Dirty Computer was Django Jane because not only was the flow crazy wild and a switch-up in comparison to their previous shows but it really felt like an “I’m that being '' and I am the shit kind of behavior. She uplifts the community by also uplifting herself and I feel like another bigger aspect of Afro-futurism isn’t just the possibility and reality of romantic love, but also self-love. Where we are fully embracing our identity through our fashion (Janelle’s use of embracing their black and white since it’s always been their “camo”), dance, and so much more. This is why when we get closer to the use of certain beats and instruments like the significance of the Djembe drum, it's clear to see that black people don’t just belong in the future, but that we are the future.

[satrangee-ray]

*A rant of sorts about personal shit, feel free to skip, or feel free to read as well if you want to cause I love feeling heard or whatever*

TW: mentions of emotional abuse.

Uh so... as some of you here may know, I'm in recovery from emotional abuse from my past relationship, wherein I loved my then partner deeply, and she always claimed (I think I believe as well) that all her somewhat cruel or manipulative behaviours towards me were completely unintentional. She's a wonderful person with a heart of gold, but she has issues which cost me a whole lot of tears, sleep, peace and self esteem.

So, there was this other couple back when my ex and I were together, let's call them A and B. They were both "best friends" of my ex's and acquaintances of mine. I liked them, I thought they were cool, but my ex used to always hit me up with tea about how toxic their relationship was, how B had tactically isolated the A from all their friends so A would have no choice but to fully depend on B for all their emotional needs, and that way A would eventually fall in love with B. This was just one of the many concerning tea stories, and while I didn't believe my ex completely, I didn't eggzactly not believe her either, it was more like a "what would I know, she's the best friend ig" situation.

Anyway, A and B had gotten together March of the same year that my ex that I had started dating, in January. Cut to today, it's their first anniversary, and she's not friends with the couple anymore, she and I are obviously not together anymore, what's worse is that she's still my friend, and she still tells me "I love you", or idk... lowkey flirts with me like friends do with each other, but I try to stay sane by actively choosing to not believe her while simultaneously trying to convince myself that even I might be someone worth committing to, someone who doesn't only deserve being disregarded, not communicated with, being ashamed of, or straight up getting crushed and thrown into the trash like toilet paper at every minor inconvenience.

In the middle of all this, I walk into insta today to find posts of A and B wishing each other happy anniversary. It... just hit me like a ton of bricks that the so called "toxic" relationship that my ex wrote essays to me about outlasted ours, and they're so clearly happy with each other. I AM ALSO EXCEEDINGLY HAPPY FOR THEM, cause as I mentioned, I think A and B are cool people and they deserve every happiness. Nevertheless, I cannot shake off the hollow feeling in my chest at all the realizations and bittersweetness hitting me, I just needed to dump it somewhere.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading.

Take love<33.

[moongirlwidow]

5/5

When I woke up, Natasha was sitting next to me. She was wearing just sweatpants and a blue t-shirt -- now I recognize it as one of Steve's. She told me who she was, where I was, and what had happened. I didn't believe her, I thought it was a test. But maybe I could escape? I asked if Antonia was alive. She told me she'd died. It's fuzzy for a while, I was really high off painkillers. It wasn't even a fully functional medbay -- It was a converted storage room in a floor no one used.

For a month or so I got to know her and Yelena, it of course, took me ages to trust them. Eventually, they introduced me to James, Natasha's boyfriend, and the Winter Soldier. He was... as kind as he always had been. I'd only gotten to train with him a few times, but he was always kind of brotherly -- he taught us to kill and sometimes was given us as missions, but he also taught me to fold Paper Cranes. Natasha explained all of it so patiently... we all only ever spoke Russian. He helped build what was essentially a shed in the rafters of a data room no one ever used. It's still there. It had a daybed-type cot, a horizontal filing cabinet that had my six items of clothing and some food, a microwave, a mini fridge, and a desk. I couldn't accept shit, but they all started to slip in food and gave me a computer. I was there for around two and a half months. It actually became really cozy, I painted the walls with acrylics Yelena gave me -- it wasn't super great, but I got better at it and fixed things eventually. Usually one or two of them came when they could, and I got to know FRIDAY over that time -- they all decided I'm her best friend and she has too. I once spent a few days teaching her intricate sarcasm -- apparently it was really, really, really bad in the first week(my logic was basically that if I had to know all of the intricacies of speech and physiology as part of manipulation I may as well use it to fuck with people. It worked. Really fucking well.), and I started an instagram account for making edits of Natasha and Yelena(they still don't know about it.)

I came out at night or early in the morning, or in parts of the building that were never used regularly, I would use the vents or just walk silently. The tower apparently has an ice rink, so Natasha got me skates and we started skating together. You might've heard that Natasha still loves Ballet, even though we learned it There. I'm like that with figure skating. I like ballet well enough, but I definitely like ballroom better. She's a figure skater, too. She's also strong enough to do lifts with me, which is always super fun.

That's actually how I got discovered -- Bruce was looking for some piece of equipment that was pretty dated and stored in some weird storage room near the rink and came in on a practice. He was surprisingly good about it, and invited me to his lab. I think that's how I really started coming there as a safe space. By that point, I already thought of Natasha and Yelena as my sisters, and we actually communicated it. That's also how I managed to trust him, because Natasha did. Also anyone she'd bother dating she had to trust(they're exes, they aren't still dating).

The first night I came to the lab is also when I got outed to the rest of the team. We have this protocol Yelena and I made with FRIDAY that alerts me, James, Natasha, and Lena if one of us is having a panic attack, because we all have shared trauma so we're better at helping each other. James and Steve had just gotten back from a mission, I made it there first through the vents. Natasha was completely dissociated, she was in her ballet things and bleeding. It's a long story there, I'm not explaining it all. But I was moving her to a safer spot -- she'd been on the wood floor -- and then I noticed a silhouette. And it wasn't James or Lena. I just instinctively attacked, we were fighting, I got him pinned to the ground with a knife. Yelena came in at that point, she couldn't see either since the lights were off. James intervened at that point and turned the lights on. Lo and behold, I was threatening Captain America, which was certainly an experience. Basically I got off him, Natasha came back fully and asked about it to try and distract herself, they sent me out(politely) and got in a big fight, Steve said we needed to introduce me to the team, Natasha and Yelena objected, James made. alogical case for them, it was a whole mess.

And then we get to how I almost killed Tony Stark, because that's always a good story:)

Basically I showed up, unsolicited, to a team meeting a day or two later and just introduced myself. It should be noted -- everything went into flux when I got there. And if you spend three months watching security cameras, you learn how things usually work. Tony said that "Some random stray [natasha and Yelena] adopted doesn't count as family" and then basically half of the table pulled weapons. They let me deal with him, so I just came up behind him, and kicked him down to his knees and pulled a garotte wire across his throat. Said some shit, nearly killed him, I let Peter and Wanda join in. Peter, I didn't know him, but he was... so purely heartbroken. Wanda and I actually basically trauma-bonded on the spot -- she set up some sort of connection between the three of us, we managed to show him what was essentially a highlight reel of our lives -- and our lives haven't been pretty. Medical experiments, HYDRA, murder, killing, beatings, a lot of fucking shit. And then we just walked out. It was kinda badass. Anyways it's been nearly a year now, we're chill(-ish, he still isn't my favorite person and isn't my family)(unlike everyone else)(don't come for me I don't care) and my life is going a lot better! Plus I'm in a discord server with a lot of the other surviving Widows and it's nice. But anyways, there's my trauma in a nutshell!

@weedyrocksbaretotherain this was definitely longer than expected BUT there's an overview of my trauma!!

@weedyrocksbaretotherain this is going to get really long really fast so I’m going to make it its own post(for anyone starting: they asked me to share with them and I agreed, so we’re starting from the beginning

I was born in a little town in Romania to a woman named Anetka and her husband David. Anetka was a Russian immigrant. They loved me. A lot. They never stopped searching.

When I was probably two months old, they hired a nanny to help, since both of them worked. That nanny was actually Melina Vostokov, the Iron Widow. She got to know my parents in that time.

When I was eight months old, she was ordered to steal me. She gave me my name that night, too. Vespera Anetka Volkov. Anetka for my mother, Volkov so I would be strong like the wolves. Vespera…. My mother spoke Latin, she was a religious historian. She called me her Twilight Princess… so she named me Vespera, Vesper for dusk. Melina said it was a tactical choice… but it was a sentimental one

She said that as soon as she had a god to pray to, she prayed for me.

Only one of them is living. David. Anetka… she killed herself when I was declared dead. I’ve seen her grave. Next to a small red granite one for the daughter who died. And really, she died when she was stolen. She died multiple times. At this rate I’m a Phoenix given how many times I’ve died.

[spacelazarwolf]

actually yeah i would like to talk about how other queer people specifically were the reason it took me so long to come out as a gay trans man

(this is really fucking long, but especially if you’re not a trans man or trans masc, i’d like you to read it all the way through.)

as a preface, i’m not a kid. i’m a fully fledged adult who has been in the queer community for about ten years now, both online and offline. most of the queer people i know irl are my age or older. i turn 30 next year. also before you use the words ‘chronically online’, consider the fact that the things people say online are what they actually believe and will take out into the world with them. 

anyway.

when i try to talk about transphobia directed at trans men and mascs from within the queer community, or lateral aggression from trans people who are not trans men or trans mascs (this is not just trans women and femmes, this includes any trans people who aren’t trans men or mascs. i have heard some vile shit out of the mouths of other ‘afab’* trans people), people often respond with “but cishets are the real enemy!!! they’re the ones causing all the actual damage and oppression!!!!!” and while i get the sentiment, that is where you’re wrong my friend. the thing causing my oppression isn’t cishets, it’s the cisheteropatriarchy. cishets tend to be the ones that chug that koolaid most readily, but queer people, even other trans people, have gleefully gulped down gallons of the stuff, and that specifically is what made it so difficult for me to accept myself and come out.

*i fucking hate the term ‘afab’ but this post is already so goddamn long

when i first entered the lgbtq community, it was on facebook in the early 2010′s. before that, i’d been stuck in a conservative small town and didn’t even know that not being a girl was an option. so obviously when i encountered a bunch of people that were like me, i was ecstatic and wanted to be a part of their community. because i still thought i was a girl at the time, i was immediately funneled into sapphic spaces. for the most part, they were great and lovely, i just felt left out because i couldn’t relate to the way they talked about their love of women. but i knew i was some sort of fruity, which meant clearly i was just repressing my attraction to women, so i needed to try harder to like women. some of this came from the things i’d heard in those groups, but a lot of it was just pressure from myself to deal with a reality that didn’t make sense.

the longer i spent in those groups, though, the more i ran into rhetoric like ‘men are inherently incapable of love and respect, it is impossible to be in a truly fulfilling relationship with a man’ and ‘masculinity is inherently evil and femininity is inherently good.’ some people tried to have nuance, but a lot, especially cis women, didn’t. in those groups, people were mocked for being in relationships with men, they were told that if they had a boyfriend they weren’t even allowed to mention it in the group because the group needed to be a ‘space completely free of men’, people were told that if they were being abused by a man then it was their fault because they should have been dating a woman instead, they should have known better. i was one of those people who was blamed for my own abuse.

as i started to realize that shit maybe i’m not a girl, there was a lot of pressure for me to make sure that i always stayed within the confines of ‘non man.’ because the second i slid over that line, it was over. i was lost. does that rhetoric sound familiar? it’s terf rhetoric, and the irony is that all of these spaces explicitly condemned terfs.

i was in a group for ‘non men’ and when people in the group came out as trans men, they were asked to leave. the network of groups that this one was connected to was of the mindset that trans men oppressed all nonmen, including cis women. the reasoning given was ‘it would be misgendering!!!!!!!’ but behind closed internet doors, the actual reasons were very clear. on a scale of ‘oppressed’ to ‘privileged’ it went trans women -> cis women -> trans men -> cis men, with nonbinary people being inserted into whatever category was most convenient for argument’s sake. 

after that, i stuffed my doubts down for years, terrified of crossing that horrible threshold from ‘nonman’ to ‘man.’ even now, i still cling to the term ‘nonbinary’ because it makes other queer people view me as a more complex person. as soon as i started tentatively using the word ‘man’ to describe myself without all the disclaimers of ‘but don’t worry i’m not actually a man!!!!! i’m still a person!!!!!!!’, the way people interacted with me changed drastically.

i was the exact same person, still non-passing, still gender noncomforming, still someone with a very complex relationship to gender because of my sexuality and being autistic, but because that word ‘man’ was there, suddenly people felt they had the right to silence me and speak over me. cis women who were being blatantly transphobic dismissed me saying ‘i don’t argue with men’, queer people dismissed me saying ‘stop mansplaining’ and telling me that regardless of my presentation, regardless of how i was treated out in the world, i was still privileged because i identified with the label of ‘man.’

i made a video on tik tok about how traumatic it was to come to terms with being a man as someone who has been hurt by cis men, and an old mutual of mine started tagging me in cis men’s videos about unlearning toxic masculinity, telling me i needed to watch myself if i was going to be a man. another mutual also shared in that trauma, and theirs was exacerbated by a racial element. i tried to make more videos about my experiences, documented by journey with top surgery, but as soon as i started speaking loudly about including trans men and mascs in the fight for abortion rights, everything went downhill.

terfs started to find my account and get my videos taken down. queer cis women claimed i was ‘silencing women’ and used the ‘trans man’ in my bio to claim ‘mansplaining’ despite the fact i am nonpassing and the world sees me as a woman. a trans femme stitched one of my videos to chide me for saying that repealing roe v wade affected trans men and mascs, because i should have been talking about how it affected trans women and femmes and the rest of the queer community, not ‘centering men.’ a trans woman commented on their post in my defense, and they deleted her comment. after that, cis women reported by account by the dozens and i was eventually banned. 

that’s when i realized, men hadn’t caused me trauma. the cisheteropatriarchy had caused me trauma. the system that had allowed my abusive ex to treat me the way he did, that allowed my friends to watch and say nothing, that allowed a woman who was a bystander in a public domestic violence incident to complain to us that we were ruining her day at the mall and threatening to call the police on both of us rather than standing up for someone who was literally publicly being physically attacked. the system that allowed cis women to say, quite literally, that because trans men and mascs were a numerical minority of the people who would be affected by the repealing of roe v wade that we shouldn’t be in the spotlight, that cis women should be centered, that it was somehow ‘misogyny’ to point out that anti-abortion laws quite literally would affect trans men and mascs more severely and in more ways than cis women.

women and other queer people may not have been the ones hitting me or writing these bills, but for years they were the ones telling me my abuse was my fault, that i was morally incorrect for being a man, that i could never love or be loved if i was a man, that i should sit down and shut up, regardless of how much my community was hurting and dying. that i would always be an afterthought, if even.

i think very often about two tik toks i saw of a trans masc person talking about transition, and one said “you spend the first half of your life being subjugated by the sins of men, then you transition and you spend the rest of your life paying for the sins of men” and the other commented about another user’s video saying “a beard, facial hair, stands in the way of this person being perceived as innocent and being perceived as capable of roofieing your drink.”

and i realized that’s part of why i’m terrified to go on t. completely separate from the fact that i have a career which relies on my voice so going on t would absolutely nuke that, i have already experienced so much aggression and isolation based on just identifying as a man. i cannot even begin to imagine how much worse it would get if i started to look ‘like a man.’ i have lamented the fact that i’m forced to lose my softness, whether i want to or not, that the very community that wants to break down barriers and liberate people are the ones who are forcing me into a box for the sake of convenience in online arguments.

and people can mock me and go on about ‘toxic masculinity’ all they want, but this is a hard truth about the community that we really need to start talking about, because i have absolutely no doubt that experiences like mine are what contributes to trans men and masc’s astronomically high rates of suicide, self harm, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc.

i feel more like myself than i ever have in my life. and i also feel more isolated than i ever have in my life. there was a moment where things finally clicked for me, and for a fraction of a second i was so excited. i wanted to share my revelation with my community and be celebrated. but then i thought back about the way people had talked about men, trans men, masculinity, loving men, and that little tiny moment of celebration was brought to a screeching halt. i realized that every other time i’d seen a gay trans man or masc come out and talk about their gender and sexuality, the responses had been peppered with ‘sorry for ur loss’, ‘ew lol’, ‘so u chose to become a man?????’, ‘omg u have to date men and be a man????? i feel sorry for u lmao.’

and now as i delve into the dating pool as a gay trans man, i see that all this online bullshit isn’t just ‘chronically online,’ it’s manifested in real life too. the way queer trans men and mascs are treated as entitled for wanting to date cis queer men, the way people respond if we say we’re unhappy with just being a hookup or a fling because we should be happy anyone wanted us in the first place. the way we’re treated as fetishizers and freaks, the way people specifically search through the ‘ftm’ tag on grindr looking for ‘sissy boys/femme bottoms/etc’ then get angry when you don’t respond to them. the way other queer people respond to you when you try to talk about this. the way trans men and mascs who can’t go on t are treated as less than men but also aren’t allowed to talk about their experience of someone perceived as ‘less than men’, the way testosterone is spoken about in queer communities as a poison, as something that makes you ugly and disfigured and gross and dirty when for so many of us it’s literally lifesaving medical treatment. the way we can’t talk about the things we go through without random cis people dragging trans women and femmes into it when, even though there are some concerning trends of lateral violence that need to be discussed, most of the aggression comes from cis queer women.

so when trans men make posts or host events or just do anything to celebrate trans manhood and masculinity, and your first reaction is to make fun of us, project your frustration with the cisheteropatriarchy, or respond with “we don’t need positivity for men”, i want you to think about the number of trans men and mascs who kill ourselves, and i want you to think “maybe i should not say this, maybe i should just do this one thing to make life a little easier for them, even if i don’t get it.”