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onlinefishingguide · 2 years ago

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The Ladies in Proficient Bass Fishing Today - Where Could They be?

I had a medical procedure last week and couldn't fish or drive, so I was working on the site and conversing with certain companions on Facebook while observing some live competition inclusion, and the subject of why we don't see numerous ladies fishing in proficient bass occasions came up.

It truly made me think since I hadn't given as much consideration to this as I ought to have.

I chose to reach a few lifelong companions in proficient bass fishing both male and female and get their contemplations on it, and I think you'll be shocked at what some of them said.

To begin with, on the off chance that you didn't know it, ladies haven't forever been permitted to fish B.A.S.S. occasions.

The principal lady to contend in a co-ed B.A.S.S. competition was Vojai Reed. She fished the 1991 Missouri Invitational and completed 58th! not terrible, yet it wasn't a thing to show that ladies planned to win a great deal of Bassmaster Fisherman of the Year grants or begin bringing back home Bassmaster Exemplary prizes.

What's more, starting around 2018, they haven't!

I had a tackle store, guide administration, and a public broadcast at the earliest reference point of the web.

I had been associated with the old Redman Visit where I met a great deal of fishermen who are fishing at an expert level today, and I had opened Bass Master shops in Harrisburg, Dad where I did classes for TTI Blackmore, permitting me to connect with a ton of experts in bass fishing. I reached Andre Moore,who had Response Advancements and begun conveying his snares, and talking him on the radio shows.I was at the Exemplary when he proposed to Kim Bain in front of an audience.

I thought, how wonderful is this, a group like that fishing the Works of art together, she will go the distance.

Kim Bain-Moore was the principal lady to contend in the Bassmaster Exemplary. She qualified by winning the 2008 Ladies' Bassmaster Visit Fisherman of the Year title. In the Work of art, she completed 47th out of 51 fishermen. It was her first and last!

Pam Martin-Wells turned into the second lady to fish the Work of art. Like Kim Bain-Moore, she qualified in the wake of winning the 2009 WBT AOY grant. She completed 22nd out of 51 fishermen in the Classic.Pam Martin-Wells is effectively the most achieved female fisherman in B.A.S.S. history.Martin-Wells positions 123rd on the B.A.S.S. all-time prize cash list with $308,321.14. The vast majority of that was acquired through the WBT or in her solitary Exemplary appearance.

After the disintegration of the WBT in 2011 no lady has even verged on meeting all requirements for the title.

Janet Parker verged on meeting all requirements for the Elites in 2011.

Sabrina Thompson was profiled some time back on a neighborhood news station in Texas, she is a Master Fisherman and was partaking in that end of the week's Bass Ace Shops Bassmaster Focal Opens.

So why would that be no joking matter?

She was the very first person of color to contend in the bass fishing competition.

She fills in as the VP of the Global League of Dark Bass Fishermen, and has a non-benefit association "Texas Fighting Fishermen", where she shows ladies and youngsters the nuts and bolts of fishing.

Having been engaged with bass fishing in the Upper east, and bridging the country bass fishing and directing, for over 30 years, I got an opportunity to get to know a great deal of expert fishermen, both male and female, I invested energy with Judy Wong at the Work of art, I was there at Christie Bradley's most memorable competitions on the Potomac waterway, so I had high any desires for seeing a ladies win the Class or FLW visit.

Christiana Bradley posted a fourth spot finish at the Bass Star Shops Southern Open on Douglas Lake, making B.A.S.S. history.

It was the best completion ever by a lady in a co-ed B.A.S.S. occasion, beating Dianna Clark's fifth put finish on the Red Stream at a 2010 Open. Click here OnlineFishingGuide.com

I took Mary Divincenti, Ladies' Bassmaster Exemplary boss, out prefishing for the FLW and had her on my public broadcasts, so I was expecting an extraordinary arrangement from these ladies in proficient bass fishing, given the way that things were changing in bass fishing for ladies and I knew some of them by and by, which provoked me to contact the top female and male fishermen today and see what their considerations were on why this hasn't occurred.

This is the very thing that they said when I inquired "For what reason Don't We See More Ladies Fishing At An Expert Level Today?"

I think with the notoriety of the game developing you will see ladies fishing at the most elevated levels soon. With the secondary school and school programs developing at the rate they are it's getting young ladies required at before ages which allows them to invest more energy on the water to learn. Up to this point the folks that have gotten along admirably at the expert level have numerous long stretches of fishing experience with fathers, granddads, uncles or companions. This time on the water gives them an immense benefit over ladies. With ladies getting involved a lot more youthful and seeing a feasible calling they can put their time and exertion in it will attract ladies to the game.

Matt Herron

I would agree that it is only the numerical rates. There are presumably some extraordinary lady fishermen, however for all of them there are in a real sense a huge number of extraordinary male fishers. That is the reason no ladies fit the bill for the Elites. The first will make a strong half million every year in the event that she sells it! We will see.

Chad Pipkens

Insights show that ladies fishermen is a developing number.

Your inquiry is the reason the quantity of cutthroat ladies fishermen isn't bigger?

By and by, my story began with a family that fished, a spouse who fished and presently is steady of my contending in the Woman Bass Fishermen (LBAA) and before that as a co-fisherman in the Bassmaster Ladies' Star Visit (WBT).

I began fishing competitions with my better half, back during the 80's. I was truly open to fishing with my significant other. In any case, I do concede, that whenever he first inquired as to whether I'd fish a group competition with him, I didn't know different men would invite a woman fisher. I concede, I was off-base and I was extremely invited and later my better half became known as "Martha's significant other."?

Rolling out the improvement to fishing in a draw competition was enormous for me. Since my better half and I generally fished together, I was worried about going out with different fishermen, male or female. Having a female visit (WBT) was the open door I wanted. With that, I began fishing the BFL, and ABA Opens (both as a co-fisher and a boater). Presently I fish as an Expert/Boater with Woman Bass Fishers.

I additionally had family support.

In the 80's, my sister would watch our two kids so my significant other and I could fish the Saturday competitions.

My better half, is great! He is my "bass caddy" as I traverse the states contending in competitions. He upholds me and helps different women.

What's required for additional ladies fishers:

Women to feel great to start the new experience

Chances to "develop" the quantity of woman fishers

Training

Advancing women association

telling women how to get everything rolling

support

Presently, the ladies' ace visit is the Woman Bass Fishers. The times of Bass n' Ladies and WBFA, WBT, and so on are gone. I've seen such countless new fishers start out with LBAA. Having the potential chance to fish with a women visit is enormous. A few women need that safe place to get everything rolling. (I did indeed… )

Couldn't want anything more than to see more help and inclusion with LBAA.

The present ladies' star visit and a chance for women is the Woman Bass Fishermen. Having better supporters, having the option to offer better award bundles and payout would be colossal. To numerous fishermen the monetary honors aren't sufficient to warrant the extremely long travel and time responsibility.

Downtime and an opportunity to contend… LBAA currently has three normal season competitions and a Work of art.

Youngster care - Ladies are regularly the primary individual to deal with their families.

In one boat families, the spouse ought to share the "boat time with their wives". I've seen to many spouses have an impending competition so they have the boat and the "wife remains at home with the children."

Women need to know how to feel happy with contending in transcendently male competitions. To settle in, begin contending in group competitions with a relative or companion

Look at group trails:

American Bass Fishers Couples Series

Fishers of Men

Nearby group trails

Open group competitions

Clarify pressing issues

First inquiry is the manner by which to utilize the bathroom…

Put resources into appropriate apparel. Dress for the climate.

Martha Goodfellow

I genuinely believe everything revolves around to change… Young ladies today have the amazing chance to begin consummating their bass fishing abilities with help from their family, Colleagues and Mentor from their Secondary School Fishing Crew, Not simply Father or Grandad any longer.

I feel that young ladies keen on the game will get a move by guardians in light of the fact that in the end Fishing could procure them a full paid school grant! Then, at that point, they have their school fishing crew to rest on! You can't simply get up one morning and say I will fish the exemplary this year. Yet, today way more conceivable then it at any point has been. I figure you will see more young ladies in the game before very long.

Sarah Boyett Hicks

As far as one might be concerned, the cash isn't where it should be. In any case, for that to occur, more ladies would should purchase the boats and engines, not fishing out of a common boat. This subject came up numerous quite a while back with Mr. Dan Shad of Mercury.

Barbara Stevenson

I consider one the large issues is most ladies don't get involved for the right reasons. Numerous ladies fish with a sweetheart or a spouse. Not on the grounds that they have a totally enthusiasm for the game. I live inhale and rest fishing. I feel like I have a characteristic sense for the game. I truly think it begins at a young level. We want to get our little kids engaged with the game as soon as could be expected.

Kendra Mueller

I have a great deal to say regarding this matter. It's something I contemplate day to day. I think there are such countless reasons. Energy. Penance. Families. Certainty. Obligation. Obligations. Absence of regard. Pressure. Time. Funds.

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oncelerfeetpicdealer69 · 4 years ago

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let me tell you how wild it is to be scrolling through the rtgame tag and sharing the same name and nickname as rt.

#like it is fucking wild #i'll see a post like: oh haha here's a clip from dan's pokemon stream today #nd i'll be like: i did what now?#and then remember what tag im scrolling through #not to mention the wild fact that my name is dan/daniel and im gay so seeing rt make uplifting gay jokes is very lovely #but also weird #i cannot refer to him as anything but rt because my brain does a weird /wait the fuck who am i talkin bout?/#dan rambles #im so sorry for everyone following me irish youtube has been my biggest hyperfixation since like 2017/2018 #nd i finally have a place to express it and i have a lot to say especially cause i have mutuals who have the same interest in it #and other people also like this and it makes me! so happy!#but i have a ton of thoughts that have been stored up since 2018 and i have just released the flood gates #feel free to ignore this

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onlycosmere · 2 years ago

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Miles Hundredlives

HazelCharm47: Let's say we have a hypothetical situation with Miles Hundredlives. In this scenario, he is wearing a gold metalmind filled to the brim with stored healing power. He is then spiked with a cadmium spike and loses his gold allomancy.

Now, if I recall from various WoBs, he would be able to heal using the gold metalmind and regain his gold allomancy. I could be misremembering and he cannot heal it, but I believe he would be able to since it is part of his Identity.

However, one question I have never seen the answer to is this: what happens to the ability in the spike? Is the allomantic ability still contained in the spike, leading to a duplicate? Or is the spike's ability lost? Or maybe I have this whole thing wrong and Miles could never have regained the ability in the first place.

If the ability duplicates (which I doubt), that could lead to some crazy things. Also, this applies to any Twinborn with gold Feruchemy, I just thought Miles was a good example I guess :)

Brandon Sanderson: I'd like to see the exact WoB's here to make sure I'm being consistent, as I don't know that I confirmed you could regain lost powers--only that you could heal from hemalurgic soul damage. Most likely, what you'd end up with is a person who has been healed and can remove the spike from their body without damage, and without needing it to hold their soul together--but who has lost the ability in the spike.

Regardless, though, what you want here (the mass production of spikes charged and even blanked) is possible with the right levels of investiture. It's an energy, like things in our world. The difficulty is finding out how to 1) get enough investiture and 2) key it to the right people and/or magic.

Hope that's a little more clear.

That said, a lot of times people just ask me if something is possible--and a lot of things are possible, but just very difficult. And with the right boost of investiture, in the right circumstances, it WOULD be possible to regrow lost (to spikes) powers. It's just highly unlikely.

I'm not sure if the questions people are asking me are ones I've qualified, or not, in these instances. Also, this is all something I'm playing with still behind the scenes as we enter the modern age of Mistborn.

HazelCharm47:

As requested, here are the WoBs I believe are related. They might be obsolete, however. And I assume things will get changed a lot before Era 4, but hey, it's fun to ask anyways :)

WoB #1:

This one states that as long as Miles still has his Identity, he would be able to use his Feruchemical metalminds after being spiked and would be able to heal.

WoB #2:

https://wob.coppermind.net/events/102/#e983

This one says that Miles would be able to heal his soul using Feruchemical healing and regain his gold Allomancy (assuming he survives the spiking). I think this is the most essential one!

WoB #3:

https://wob.coppermind.net/events/76/#e6335

This one is only somewhat related - implies that the Feruchemical and Allomantic powers are spiritually part of him.

WoB #4:

https://wob.coppermind.net/events/7/#e6435

Also tangentially related - damage to the soul from Hemalurgy can be healed (Although this might just be a Hoid thing). I guess the question could be expanded to include non-Feruchemical healing as a way to repair the soul after being spiked.

Brandon Sanderson:

Well, I don't think any of those are specifically inaccurate. I just didn't quite understand what people were trying to get out of me. A lot of times, I don't know quite what people are trying to get out of me. I can see now they're trying to figure out.

I see now, and I appreciate you putting this all together for me so I can see what the fans are trying to figure out. So the answer is a cautious yes. The problem here is that he'd need to compound a TON of healing first--but yes, it would work. You could theoretically turn someone like Miles into an invested spike factory.

If he didn't have enough healing stored, though, he'd end up with a healed soul but a gap (like a scar on his soul) where his spiked-out abilities were. That could theoretically be healed with application of more investiture, depending on things like how he views himself, and if you could get the right type of investiture.

#mistborn #the alloy of law #cosmere #cosmere theories #long post #realmatics #cfsbf #root #wob #brandon sanderson #miles hundredlives #miles dagouter

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icantalk710 · 3 years ago

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10. Do you have a crush? 17. Ideal date? 19. What's your favorite mlm movie? 26. Would you like to take his last name when you marry?

10) I do, this friend I've been reconnecting with since late December [that has been in FL but is visiting NYC this week so I'm hopefully seeing him on Sunday (assuming I don't overthink texts and things knowing he's catching up with a bunch of people and I have my own things going on too) and we'll get to talk more in person (since we haven't gotten to talk on the phone like I'd hoped by now). Smart, adorable, and I've loved his hot snaps haha

[also the mutuals ngl 😅🥵]

17) Hmm, torn between dinner then playing by ear (maybe a walk in the park or a movie if we feel like it) or a walk in the park or other fun thing, movie, then dinner... Ideally being able to spend time talking one-on-one and get to know each other first and then something to experience together. Also not opposed to drinks, but we'd need to be able to hear each other, lol. One of the playing-by-ear things I think'd be fun nowadays is a trip to this game store I know in Manhattan with a ton of board games and stuff that I was taken to on a date back in 2018.

19) Did really like Weekend when I watched it years back, also Were the World Mine (I think it was) was nice. I've seen others in the last year or two that I liked, but I forget what they were atm; I definitely reblogged them into my #movies tag but they're buried in there, lol.

26) Hmm... feel like I could go either/or, either that or hyphenated last names like some friends did, but probably leaning for the latter. Hadn't thought about it much.

Thanks! 😄

#gay-rites #song pun answer tag #ask game #...my movie memory kinda blows haha

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gotdreamsagain · 4 years ago

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The Beast You've Made of Me

With the appearance of Alaric Saltzman and his gaggle of supernatural misfits, Kai Parker is given everything he needs to escape his prison world with an added bonus: no one remembers him. So, when he finds himself in 2031, the world is his oyster, but there’s only one thing on his mind: Bonnie Bennett.

Dedicated to @koiporker

note: self repost

Triggers: Death, Abandonment, Violence, Blood, Drug Mention, Gore

For all the years Malachai Parker had been seeking salvation from his prison, he’d never imagined it would come in the form of a magical mud pit of all things. It wasn’t much to look at, not nearly as pretty as first ticket out of a prison world, nor was it as entertaining, but he wasn’t going to complain. Whatever lied beyond it’s murky depths had to be better than this, if only for the sheer fact that he’d known he hadn’t let the witch win. So, after making his final phone call in dear old 2018, he tossed the phone he was using across the room, and prepared himself for the most anticipated swan dive of his life. With a sigh of relief, and a smile in his face, the heretic leaned back on his heels and let himself fall. As he was engulfed in the mud, the last clear thought he had was one name: Bonnie Bennett.

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When he emerged from the pit, covered in sludge and muck, it wasn’t until he stepped food on solid ground that he let himself take a deep breath. It didn’t feel real until then, and then the realization truly struck him, and the gemini let out a laugh. He was out. He was really out. All at once he felt his emotions hit him like a ton of bricks. Excitement. Fear. Anger. Despair. All of those emotions culminated in a wave of nausea that over took him, and as easy as it would have been to turn it all off, he didn’t. He needed that anger, and that fire, and most of all, he needed a clear head.

As the heretic’s laughter died down, he wiped his face, his eyes first, and then past lips that were silent but still bright with a smile. “ Son of a bitch, I made it. ” There was no one else to here his declaration, not a single soul, and yet, he found himself saying it again. “ I fucking made it. ” In the glow of the candlelight, he let himself enjoy it for just a few moments more before his thoughts turned back to those emotions, and why they were so very important.

First to come off were the gloves, the digit less fiends sliding off into a slimey mess of the ground. Next came the jacket, which lasted a few moments longer, but only long enough for Kai Parker to further wipe off his hands with the dryer bits on inside before it met the same fate of the gloves. With his hands as clean as they’d come for the moment, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a mostly clean sandwich bag from his pocket, having been saved a muddy grave by the jacket. No, the thing was practically pristine, and he could even see the jam covered finger prints he’d left on it before Josette’s family had so rudely barged in. No matter, none of it mattered now, all of it water under the bridge as he held up the bag to the light, smiling even wider at the sight of the contents: a button, the only thing a witch had left behind when she’d left him in that karaoke bar.

He’d thought he’d just been too lucky whenever he’d found the lone silver button lying over by the karaoke machine inside the bar years ago after Alaric’s rejects had set him free. It had reflected the red light up at him mockingly when he first saw it, and he wasn’t sure what had enticed him to pick it up, but when he did, he remembered where he’d seen it before. A witch had been wearing a jacket with the same button when she’d damned him to live out his worst fear, and made the soundtrack of his hell a song he hated. In that moment he’d store the thing away, knowing when the time would come, it would be his ticket to finding her. Now the time had come, and he was only a shower and a locator spell away from returning the favor. Don’t worry Bon Bon, I’m on my way.

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In all the times he’d pictured it, he’d try to imagine what the Bennett would look like after all the time they’d spent apart. Would she have smile lines burned into her face from years of gracing the world with its warmth, or crows feet around her eyes that came with time. A million questions had crossed his mind, and he’d imagined thousands of possibilities, but none of it was as satisfying as seeing all of those ideas proven wrong by the real thing. No, Bonnie Bennett didn’t have any laugh lines, or crows feet, no, she looked just like he remembered her. Smooth skin, green eyes filled with fire, and lips that could drip with honey or venom, if you asked nicely. The years had taken nothing from her but time, and that was exactly where he wanted her.

The heretic had expected to find the Bennett in Mystic Falls, playing the role of the martyr as she always did. The one who sacrificed so her friends didn’t have to, the witch stronger than any of them reduced to little more a pawn in their eyes, it would have even been comical if it wasn’t so sad. Instead, the locator spell had led him to small market in Georgia, admiring the witch as she looked over the produce. He hadn’t bothered with a cloaking spell, he didn’t need one, not when she wouldn’t remember her anyway. Toying with the apple in his hand to seem preoccupied, he couldn’t peel his eyes off of her as her focus stayed glued to the contents of the basket hanging on her arm as she moved down the aisle.

“ Are you looking for something or are you just going to keep staring? ”

The familiar voice caught him off guard, but it prompted a sly smile on the face of the heretic. It was only when the green eyes he knew so well met his own that he answered her query.

“ Oh, no, I found just what I was looking for. ”

With that, he wasted no time closing the gap between them, grabbing the item directly to her right with a smirk. Her own eyes looked at him accusingly, but she didn’t say a word as she went to step away and lowered her gaze from his own.

“ Where are my manners, Kai Parker. ”

There was no reason to lie, it’s not like the name would mean anything to her, or the rest of the Scooby Gang, or anyone else for that matter. He was a ghost, a phantom, and not even the brilliant witch before him could be able to put the pieces together.

“ Bonnie Bennett. ”

He noticed the slight inflection in her voice, it was the same way she’d talked to Damon about him before she’d learned of his sins. It was cute, damn near adorable actually, to see history repeating with the witch, unknown to her. The Bennett witch was suspicious of him. Clever girl, Bon Bon. Then again, she always had been. Always the clever one, the smart one who thought she could get away anything, but she wouldn’t get away from it this time. While Malivore had been his saving grace, he would be her own slice of hell. If he couldn’t send her there, he could give her just a taste, and she wouldn’t get away so easily this time.

“ It’s nice to meet you, Bonnie Bennett. ”

He watched her hesitate as he offered his hand, the same skepticism in her eyes as always as she finally reached out and took his hand. Feeling her magic humming beneath his finger tips, it took everything he had not to drain her dry right there. It’d been so long since he’d had it, even a taste of her magic was enough to keep him running on a high for days, he was an addict, looking for a hit, and he had it right in his grubby hands. His eyes focused on her jugular vein, thinking about how easy it would be to tear it open with his teeth, how pretty she’d look in her own blood pool on the ground when he was done with her. One move, and that would be it. She could be dead before she hit the floor, the way she should have been eighteen years ago when he’d given Damon the ultimatum. But he’d waited this long, he could wait a longer. Just a little longer.

“ New to town, Kai Parker? I’ve never seen you here before... ”

He wasn’t surprised when she didn’t return his greeting, and the suspicion lingered, though he didn’t really care as the sound of his name on her lips sent a shiver down his spine, the way it always did, whether it was said in a scream or a whisper, it didn’t matter. It was almost like nothing had changed, well, almost nothing.

“Yes, actually. Just got done with a long and unexpected vacation, so I decided to drop by and visit an old friend, might stick around for awhile.”

Dropping her hand, he moved down the way, taking some time to look at the options presented to him, but none of them were what he wanted. It wasn’t the food he was hungry for. The witch could have turned away and walked away, but she didn’t, and he knew she wouldn’t. In some ways, Bonnie Bennett was too nosy for her own good, and that was exactly what he was counting on. As he browsed, he felt the familiar green eyes on him, examining him, trying to figure him out. If only you knew, he thought coyly to himself with a smile. He let it go one for a few moments, pretending not to notice, the same way she had, hand firmly wrapped around whatever had been in front of him on the shelf before he piped up.

“ Are you looking for something or are you just going to keep staring? ”

This time he caught her off guard, and he cocked his head to look at her just in time to see it in her eyes as she was caught red handed..

“ I - ”

There’s no time to let her make up an excuse, he’d done that way too many times to fall for that.

“ Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind gorgeous babes staring at me in grocery stores but .... ”

Ever more flustered, he could even tell her cheeks were starting to get warm as she tried to regain her composure. Bonster sure looked good, even when she was trying to dig herself out of a hole.

“ I wasn’t staring, I was just - “

Now he couldn’t help but chuckle, taking his opportunity to cut her off one more time.

“ Staring. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone, it can be our little secret Bon Bon ”

The only saying rang in his ears as he made her his promise. Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Oh well, he wouldn’t have to wait long for that, and he was sure one more secret wouldn’t drown him in guilt. At that, the Bennett witch managed a small smile, and her signature eye roll.

“ Okay .... thanks. ”

As the witch turned to walk away, he felt like he’d won this round, even if she hadn’t known she’d been playing. He could have stopped her, kept the conversation going, lulled her further into a sense of safety, or even just raised her suspicions for the hell of it, but instead he let her go, almost letting her out of ear shot before calling out to the witch.

“ Until next time, Bennett? ”

He was smug, confident and cocky with his question as he raised an eyebrow at the witch. Turning back to glance at the Parker, the Bennett offered him a small smirk.

“ Assuming there’s a next time, Parker. ”

“ Maybe there will be.”

“Or maybe there won’t. Goodbye, Kai.”

“Bye Bye, Bonnie.”

Thirteen years may have passed since the last time they’d spoken, and the world may have moved on without him, but Bonnie Bennett was the same as she always was: cocky, stubborn, sarcastic, fire still burning in those emerald eyes, exactly the way he wanted her. She could run, but she couldn’t hide, and it was only a matter of time until next time, and next time, she might not be so lucky. You can run, Bonnie Bennett, but you can’t hide. One way, or another, I’m going to find you, and I’m going to get you.

#bonkai fanfic #bonkai #bonnie bennett #kai parker #malachai parker #• ship ♡ bonkai #• character: bonnie bennett #• character: kai parker

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pixelgrotto · 4 years ago

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Night City, I barely remember ya

I beat Cyberpunk 2077 last month, and honestly, I haven’t thought about Cyberpunk 2077 that much since.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. CD Projekt Red’s follow-up to The Witcher 3 was meant to be the sort of game that would stick in your mind after completion. It was promoted over eight years of hype stemming from its initial 2013 reveal as a example of CD Projekt’s infamous “vodka and Slavic magic” - a behemoth destined to change open world RPGs forever. But in the roughly 12 weeks since its release, the stuff that’s happened to Cyberpunk 2077, including its delisting from the Playstation store for being chock full of bugs and the theft of its source code by hackers, has been more cyberpunk than the actual game.

I was one of those people super hyped for this game when it was first announced. I mean, the Witcher franchise left an indelible impression on me; how could I not be psyched to see its devs tackle one of my favorite sci-fi genres? But my hype deflated over the years, largely due to tales of terrible crunch emerging from CD Projekt’s studios and social media marketing that was ill-advised at best and transphobic at worst. Everything seemed to slowly hint that the game’s vision of “cyberpunk” - a genre that can tell incredible futuristic tales of social upheaval and marginalized peoples - would be mostly style with not so much substance.

Despite me keeping my fingers crossed, the end product is pretty much what I feared - and I guess I should’ve known, since the official sourcebook for Cyberpunk 2020, the tabletop RPG that CD Projekt Red used as inspiration, actually lists “style over substance” as one of its rules.

Cyberpunk 2077’s main story revolves around a merc who dreams of big time heists in Night City named V. After a heist goes south, V ends up absorbing a biochip made by big bad corporation Arasaka that features the captured personality of rockstar-turned-terrorist Johnny Silverhand, played by Keanu Reeves - who, to be fair, does a good job with the material he’s given. Cue a bunch of quests that revolve around V and Johnny coming to terms with each other, taking down Arasaka and figuring out how to separate the chip from V’s brain.

In theory, this sounds like a cool way to explore the very cyberpunk themes of identity and what it means to have a corrupt company preserve a human soul beyond its organic shell. In reality, though, the story’s a surface level examination of these concepts, and Johnny Silverhand remains a massive dick throughout most of the game, only becoming relatable if players give him the benefit of the doubt - which they’re expected to do because he’s played by Keanu Reeves.

Johnny’s animosity towards Arasaka is also never completely outlined. He - and most other characters in Night City - keep telling V that corporations are awful because they disregard human rights and destroy the environment, but we never get many chances to see for ourselves how Arasaka and similar companies, like Militech or Kang Tao, actually do this. Arasaka does kidnap Johnny’s ex-girlfriend and is behind the tech that transfers his soul to a biochip, yes, but Johnny also threatens to destroy them at all of his shows and eventually sets off a bomb in their headquarters. Not that I’m siding with the corporation, but for much of the game we’re expected to treat them as the number one enemy simply because other characters say so, which is very much a “show, don’t tell” missed opportunity. If anything, Arasaka’s portrayal feels more like a vestige of the cyberpunk genre’s unfortunate maturation during the 1980s, where the fear of Japanese conglomerates taking over the world was common and a future where Asian companies were all-powerful instead of Western ones seemed like a dystopia.

Cyberpunk 2077 is very much caught in that yesteryear mold, featuring elements that might have been progressive in the 1980s but seem passé now. For a game that relied on questionable representation of trans people in its marketing, there were no notable trans NPCs that I came across, and even though there’s a robust character creation system where you actually can make a trans person, the game makes the troubling decision to only offer binary pronouns tied to V’s voice. Despite the fact that many of the best modern cyperbunk works deal with body augmentation and the line between man and machine, most of the physical modifications you can pay for at Night City’s “ripperdoc” facilities are niche features that only offer minimal stat boosts, with only two major ones that I know of - the mantis blades and gorilla arms - actually causing extensive changes to V’s looks. And finally, while there are tons of characters of color in the game, ranging from the Haitian Voodoo Boys gang to V’s “friendly ethnic friend™” Jackie Welles, most of them are varying degrees of stereotypical. For instance, Goro Takemura, an ex-Arasaka employee, sends you text messages reminiscent of haiku at one point because he’s Japanese and has to talk like a formal, honorable samurai or something.

If you’re able to look past these issues - along with the myriad of bugs that Cyberpunk 2077 shipped with - there’s still the niggling feeling that this game could have been so much more. The signs of a troubled development process are numerous, and there are Reddit threads packed with still-visible remnants - like useless combat skill perks and an entire metro system - that were part of gameplay elements gutted at some point in order for those overworked CD Projekt Red programmers to make a long-delayed release date. Even mainstay stuff in the open world genre - like the police chases common in the Grand Theft Autos - are absent, and Cyberpunk 2077’s 2018 demo, chock full of promised features that never made it into the final product, has to be one of the most notorious bits of smoke ‘n mirrors “gameplay” in recent memory.

Perhaps most bothersome is the feeling that a lot of your choices don’t seem to matter all that much in Cyberpunk 2077, which once touted itself as “a full-fledged RPG, not a shooter with RPG elements,” but ends up feeling more like the latter than the former. The game’s three different lifepaths - nomad, streetkid and corpo - only amount to about thirty minutes of unique playtime at the start and a few different dialogue options. The vehicle combat sequences that punctuate key missions are largely scripted, looking cool but offering little consequences depending on what V aims at. The side quests I encountered had minimal branching paths, and the only time the main story opened up to offer some real choice was in the game’s final chapter. Considering that CD Projekt once developed The Witcher 2 - a 2011 game that branches dramatically at its halfway mark to the point where a lot of folks insist that you need to play it twice in order to feel satisfied - Cyberpunk 2077 feels like a step back.

And yet, despite all of these criticisms, I still put nearly 80 hours into the game over the course of December, January and February. You don’t do that for something that’s patently unfun, so let me be clear - there is an entertaining experience buried beneath an avalanche of unfulfilled potential here. Driving on my Akira-esque bike through Night City’s slums as the game’s best song bumped on the radio, taking out legions of baddies with my mantis blades and relishing in the game’s extensive photo mode (as you can probably tell by my screenshots above) was a good time. In spite of his assholery, I did feel something akin to attachment for that bastard Johnny Silverhand by the finale, and there were a few key moments - like when I was scuba diving in the ocean with my girlfriend Judy, looking at the remains of a town destroyed by the land seizing machinations of corporations - that felt like this game had something to say beyond “bang bang gunplay and neon aesthetic.”

But at the end of the day, while I do feel moderately interested in someday checking out Cyberpunk Red (the newest iteration of this franchise’s tabletop RPG), CD Projekt’s seven-year-hyped-up behemoth has largely faded from my brain one month after beating it. On Twitter, I’ve seen Cyberpunk 2077 described as something akin to a flashy Netflix series with lots of fanfare and flair but not much else - and I can’t really argue with that statement.

Night City was supposed to be the stuff of a long-term relationship. Instead, it feels more like a fling.

#pixel grotto #now playing #cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk #cd projekt red

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fmdtaeyongarchive · 4 years ago

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rewriting ash’s intro post since i link it on his plots page so that the info’s up to date since my last rewrite is over two years old. i added quite a bit about his personality/characterization, so feel free to read it but also feel equally free to ignore it.

tw: mention of depression/anxiety

ashton taeyong kwon, born in san francisco, california on december 24, 1995, and was raised there until age 13

his stage name is taeyong, but friends call him ash. he’s learned to respond to taeyong tho and doesn’t mind fans and acquaintances calling him that; he just doesn’t really like being called ashton unless you’re his actual mom and he will generally make his distaste known if you do that. fans don’t really know he goes by ash in his private life so they call him taeyong and he’d like to keep it that way. (he’s not a fan of fans pretending to have a closer relationship with him than fan-artist... lmao)

was a musical baby from birth so he started taking piano, dance, and guitar lessons pretty early and fell in love with all three

auditioned for bc entertainment’s global audition in los angeles for fun more than anything else as a dancer. he didn’t know a ton about korean music (or korean language) but figured it couldn’t hurt since he knew he wanted to pursue a music career

won a contract offer and decided to go for it with his parents’ approval, so he moved to seoul by himself at 13

he knew very little korean, so he was kind of isolated as a trainee and was really lonely. his parents probably shouldn’t have let him move his life overseas alone at such a young age and on such short notice knowing his personality, but they kinda wanted to live the childfree life again since they had him so young and without plans to have a kid

(his parents are good parents for the most part, though! he loves them to death and they’re very loving and supportive, they’re just the types that didn’t plan to have a kid until it happened on accident)

by the time he debuted, he knew korean well enough to get by but he did have some attitude scandals when they first debuted because he was trying to overcompensate for not being 100% fluent

bc decided his image should be more ~broody and artsy~ to avoid more attitude scandals. since then, it’s evolved into james dean-esque bad boy heartthrob, but for the longest time his image was pretty much being quiet which led to him not being super popular until he eventually started to shape his own solo career (so he now has a lot of akgaes)

things were going pretty well for him for a while ! knight was doing great and yeah maybe he was a little overworked but he was performing ! which is what he wanted ! right ? right ?????

all hell broke loose on valentine’s day in 2016 when one rather minor dating rumor released by a media outlet led to a much bigger scandal which originated in fan communities through “leaked” pictures of him out with other female celebrities in common date locations or, in one case, entering a hotel together on more than one occasion

antis quickly ran with the narrative of him being a player/womanizer/serial dater/cheater, etc. and further “evidence” appeared on fan communities like unsubstantiated “eyewitness” stories and convenience store receipts and it took a big toll on his reputation despite the company coming out with a statement denying everything and claiming he was only friends with the women

it became a big mess and he tried to put on a strong face but in reality it tore him up because now everyone was talking shit about him online and trying to make his private life their business and he ended up in a Really Dark Place

was pretty much dungeoned outside of knight activities for about eight months before he was made one of the members of the white knight sub unit to get him back in the public’s graces which worked on a minor level. he got his first solo activities (osts) around this time as well to test out public response.

in 2017, got caught with another female idol at a convenience store at night which sparked dating rumors, but those were more easily dismissed. late that year, he got in a scandal for causing a commotion when he was wasted outside of a club in tokyo and called a female friend to pick him up from the club... not his best move.

2018 was the year of being criticized for being lazy on stage and allegedly having an attitude problem with fans during fan signs. was a bad look, but the instances causing the scandal were mainly a result of his poor mental health (depression and extreme anxiety) he was dealing with as a result of making his solo debut amidst quite a lot of online hate.

so yeah he made his solo debut in late 2017 and has had a steady career as a solo artist (he’s dropped four full albums and several promoted or non-promoted singles) and a model for endorsements and cfs (his biggest and longest-term deal has been with calvin klein, and that’s become a part of his Brand now i would say — the sexy, modern, all-american image of calvin klein fits his public image to a t) since then. he and bc have worked very hard to redeem his public image and he hasn’t had a scandal in like three years, during which time he’s had six number one singles, so he’s not public enemy number one anymore and his past scandals tend to be more of a footnote to people who aren’t actively his antis lmao

he also had a viral fancam in october 2020 that went viral for him being sexy and Very Into singing you know i’m no good by amy winehouse (because he hates himself </3)... sexy king who has internalized issues with being sexualized that he kinda has to deal with since that’s a big part of his image and also continuously gets rewarded in his career for his Public Self-Hatred Self-Flagellation... anyway

has also done a lot of work as a songwriter/producer since his solo debut for himself and others and that’s his main passion right now. this man does not leave his home studio a lot

doesn’t have much say in knight’s music but he’s fine with that since he’s pretty much over knight. would throw a party if knight disbanded today and considers other knight members co-workers over friends for the most part.

has major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder (the former is diagnosed, the latter isn’t officially but ash knows something is up there, he just hasn’t seen anyone with the capacity to officially diagnose him) and insomnia and those took a really bad toll on him for a while and still do but he’s actively seeing a therapist again as of mid-2020 and is trying to handle those situations better

ummmmm, his main personal interest is music, he has an impulsive/rebellious streak for days, and he’s a hopeless romantic who believes his own personal search for love is hopeless

his main motivation is just ?? to find happiness that he doesn’t think he’s really felt in his adult life but he also doesn’t think he deserve it so :/ is also very driven by his desire to have a long-term impact on the world and to Mean Something

his biggest fears are heights, not meaning anything to anyone, and The Inevitability Of Oblivion

he hates being Known . he’s extremely private. doesn’t let anyone know about his relationships and tends to be weirdly private about his friendships as well. doesn’t think anything he does is anyone else’s business unless he personally makes it their business lmao

a hufflepuff who could have also been considered for gryffindor tbh but would choose hufflepuff

infj-t (”the advocate”) - “they tend to approach life with deep thoughtfulness and imagination. their inner vision, personal values, and a quiet, principled version of humanism guide them in all things.”

i used to call him neutral good but i honestly think he’s become chaotic good

melancholic

type 4w5 (”the bohemian” / “the free spirit”) - “four wing fives fear having no impact on the world. they may be reserved, but they seek recognition and admiration. they desire their own personal identity, and may retreat within themselves to discover who they really are. free spirits tend to defend themselves either by withdrawing from others or adapting characteristics of loved ones.”

that’s all really but i can talk about him for hours if anyone ever wants to know more about him

#&& there's nobody home | ooc #&& queued

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bonniobonnotta · 5 years ago

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The Beast You've Made of Me

Dedicated to @koiporker

Triggers: Death, Abandonment, Violence, Blood, Drug Mention, Gore

---------------------------------------------------------------

“ Are you looking for something or are you just going to keep staring? ”

The familiar voice caught him off guard, but it prompted a sly smile on the face of the heretic. It was only when the green eyes he knew so well met his own that he answered her query.

“ Oh, no, I found just what I was looking for. ”

“ Where are my manners, Kai Parker. ”

“ Bonnie Bennett. ”

“ It’s nice to meet you, Bonnie Bennett. ”

“ New to town, Kai Parker? I’ve never seen you here before... ”

“Yes, actually. Just got done with a long and unexpected vacation, so I decided to drop by and visit an old friend, might stick around for awhile.”

“ Are you looking for something or are you just going to keep staring? ”

This time he caught her off guard, and he cocked his head to look at her just in time to see it in her eyes as she was caught red handed..

“ I - ”

There’s no time to let her make up an excuse, he’d done that way too many times to fall for that.

“ Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind gorgeous babes staring at me in grocery stores but .... ”

Ever more flustered, he could even tell her cheeks were starting to get warm as she tried to regain her composure. Bonster sure looked good, even when she was trying to dig herself out of a hole.

“ I wasn’t staring, I was just - “

Now he couldn’t help but chuckle, taking his opportunity to cut her off one more time.

“ Staring. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone, it can be our little secret Bon Bon ”

“ Okay .... thanks. ”

“ Until next time, Bennett? ”

He was smug, confident and cocky with his question as he raised an eyebrow at the witch. Turning back to glance at the Parker, the Bennett offered him a small smirk.

“ Assuming there’s a next time, Parker. ”

“ Maybe there will be.”

“Or maybe there won’t. Goodbye, Kai.”

“Bye Bye, Bonnie.”

#bonkai #bonnie and kai #bonnie bennett #kai parker #malachai parker #blood tw #gore tw #drug mention tw #violence tw #this was going to be a one shot but if people want more i can probably write more!#especially because i didn't know i was going to write this and then #i heard a song and here we are two hours later

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fashournalist · 4 years ago

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A coffee-buffet-stroll-grocery-coffee kind of day with bb (best eat-all-you-can experience so far!)

When all you think of are work and adulting, it’s great to have a break, escape from your routine, and spend the whole day with someone who genuinely cares and reminds you to enjoy life--explore the world one adventure at a time. It’s like going on a field trip, but instead of being surrounded by 100 kids (whom you may not know well), you’re with someone you can be 100% yourself with. And when all stresses pile up, sometimes you just have to be reminded that you have each other. : )

One of the earliest plot twists of this year is having this escapade with my close friend/sibling (and favorite buffet buddy!) Karl! It was truly something Niu. First we had Bonitos buffet in LB (2017), then Buffet 101 in Alabang (2018), then Sambokojin at Megamall with Hannah (2020), and now, Niu by Vikings! (View some of our past adventures here )

I decided to make this a text-form post because photo diaries are limited to 10 pictures at a time; but oh well, I’d love to share our January 30 in detail :)

Our first stop was Capitol Commons Starbucks (8AM-10AM)

Second stop: Niu by Vikings (11:00 onwards)

Third stop: SM Aura stroll

Fourth stop: S&R grocery

Fifth stop: Paseo de Magallanes

I had three first times in a single day!! Thank you so much bb for inviting me to hang out and making time for me despite your very, very busy schedule <3 I will never forget this day and I’m excited to create more beautiful memories with you--whether it’s a simple sound trip at a parking lot, a road trip, a coffee date, an acads session, or a “field trip” with five stops like today!

Read on if you want to view more photos from today’s escapade (mostly from Niu :) And thank you bb for taking my OOTDs too hehe)

Part I: Capitol Commons

We forgot to take a selfie at Starbucks and didn’t notice how fast the time was haha. Two hours just flew by and it was time to go to Niu. Actually, the whole day just flies by when I’m with you.

I missed our road-trips-slash-sound-trips!! It seems only yesterday when we headed to MainLib, or IRRI, or Calamba, or Southwoods so we can study (or just chill.) It’s because of a road trip with you that I loved Ben&Ben in 2017!

Part II. The Niu experience

It was our first time here, and whoa, see the difference from the usual Vikings!

Loved the interiors and the ambience!

Their selections offer more dishes as well, yayy!

Boy, look at all that cholesterol. Isn’t it splendid?

Happy they have lamb and lengua as The Alley by Vikings didn’t have them.

Of course, there is no forgetting that we are still in a pandemic.

Hello, addiction! Sushi, maki, and sashimi!!!

Love these refreshing drinks!!

Boy, they have free booze! I almost gave it a try but am scared I’d get drunk with a few sips since I never tried alcohol before haha xD

Their seafood thermidor was the bomb! It’s my first time ever to try this dish, as well as other dishes I only saw on Hayday before (shepherd’s pie, for example). Karl is an amazing chef and it’s great he knows how to cook some of these, too. Flex ko lang na sobrang galing nya rin magbake, guys, check out Packed Munchies Sent on Facebook to order his ube choco pandesal, cookies, and more sweets!

Couldn’t get enough of the salmon sashimi, pizza, dimsum, dark chocolate brittle, and French macarons! Also learned to be careful when eating food whose name can’t be pronounced HAHA.

Niu’s tempura was one of Karl’s faves, along with carrot cake and blueberry cheescake!! Hi bb :D

As a professional buffet queen, eating with five plates to taste a bit of everything is normal HAHA chour.

OOTD! I LOVE this pink jacket Karl gave!! It’s always been a dream to have a jacket in this specific shade waaa! And he didn’t know it was my dream so this was really a lovely surprise (i think it’s the platonic equivalent of maternal instinct hehe) thank you soooo much bb! :D

We really enjoyed our Niu experience, yay! But our date was far from over hehe.

Part III. SM Aura stroll

Our selfie with Momi at the Department Store.

Sigh, this is only my second time at Aura, and I remember the first time, I didn’t even have a 20 peso bill. All I had were coins. Long story short, I was invited to attend a networking event on May 13 2017 and they gave me a ride back and forth. But I didn’t have anything, couldn’t even buy a bottle of water because nothing is free at Aura. I said, someday, I’ll be back, and be able to eat here. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t just get to eat, I would eat in a buffet! And with someone very dear to me!

Sometimes Karl and I just look back at our college days and we’re amazed at how we’re adulting now. I remember him saying in 2018 that the things that used to be only dreams before are now becoming possible for us : )

Anyway, here is another OOTD at Aura’s Sky Garden! Thank youuuu bb for taking these photos yayyy (pandemic inspired haha porma porma pa rin kahit naka face mask and face shield)

I missed uploading outfit posts hueuhe should i revive the fashion part of this blog? Haha fashournalist started as a style diary in 2011 and it evolved into a memory box filled with throwbacks and so many things in between

I tried taking a stolen photo of Karl, too haha:

Part IV: S&R grocery

I’m ecstatic you guys, I’ve never been inside S&R before haha! I remember in June 18, 2016, after my lab test at Hi-Precision Santa Rosa, Dad and I tried to enter S&R in Nuvali. I thought they could welcome non-members if it’s just the pizza we’re after. But nope, no entry for us haha! Was able to try their pizza elsewhere like at Newport and other malls, but I still wanted to stroll inside their grocery someday. The day has arrived! (next goal: sneak into Landers even without membership haha)

Only bought four items (two of which i’ve never tried before) as I made sure I would not overspend haha and am scheduled to buy stuff at Puregold the following day--little did I know that products in S&R are actually cheaper! Their Corned Lechon, for example, is 9 pesos cheaper compared to that in Puregold!

Part V: Paseo de Magallanes

This is another first time for me as I could not reach this place without a car haha. It’s a very cozy place.

I love that we started and ended our day with coffee :)

Coffee, tons of food and tons of stories in between! Thank you sooo much bb for this memorable date! And super thank you for the jacket, as well as Dad’s black towel! I am touched by how you remembered Dad loves the color black so much (and how I love pink, too huhu). Every moment with you is memorable, no matter how simple, or grand. We used to study for exams, cram papers together, study in libraries or IRRI, eat in canteens like Kentz in Demarces--all the simple things. Now we get to experience more adventures in more places! : )

I am super glad and grateful we had this January 30 bonding, Karl :) Thank you for being so thoughtful, caring, and sweet <3 (I and everyone you love are so lucky to have someone like you in our lives) Looking forward to more milestones and memories with you bb, cheers to all the adventures ahead of us! Love youuuuuuu

Always,

Grace :)

#bonding #niu #vikings #buffet #explore #travel #adventure #date #friendship #friends #siblings #aura #coffee #moments #Memories #photos #diary #personal #ootd #food

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kurou3gi-blog · 5 years ago

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It means that an Arab acc ig supposed that Ji accepted jk because they were after the gay couple.Interesting to talk about it, because now that I remembered that a twitter account had something similar in 2019.And that the rumors about the gay couple had been strong since September 2018.But your anon has to remember that in order for Ji to save his ass and Ks's, he will lie about everything.I just find your attitudes strange these days.As if he had choked for years and wanted to speak the truth.

Tbh I know my thinking is more hell and overload every time XD

And really knows that my words can harm, mess, lure even change someone mind.

That’s why after I say I had broken in to pieces, it hard to see I talk about exo before some anon ask me XD

And tried to warning everyone before below the content...

Like I say to other anons more than once that don’t forget that ji didn’t say anything about soo with him on his birthday at 2019. And that clip showed only soo and other happy birthday to ji...

But are you sure it happened at 14th?

Are you sure everybody who we saw they met ji to happy birthday him were meet him at the same day?

Tbh his same cloth not guaranty that it happened on the same day, if we think of his hat-trick same cloth on soo’s early enlistment announcement period... That he went to met ravi, moon and went convenience store on different days in a row with same cloth..

That made some of us had doubted why he wore the same cloth!? XD

Tbh while I answered that previous anon I thought I may talk about why he kept but now he leaked...

But at last I was tired, so I chose to stop it than chose to spread more shade...

So if you want to know what I think why he leaked it....

Let’s go...

I think all of us and all of ekso knew about gay couple can ruin kr people life...

And It’s true...

But like we see some biggest movie pd could coming out with none of any effect because he is a one of big influencers in kr celluloid world... Everyone celebrated his wedding with his boyfriend at 60+ years old XD

So that mean if you have enough power or biggest back up... Gay issue can’t drag you down.... You will pass it even without any hurt...

And that why I used to say more than once that maybe they can coming out if they have enough power.

But like us and they knew... Gay couple issue will destroy their career if someone can unfolded them...

So... All of us think they were separated by some medias need to unfolded and esm tried to cover it....

But if we turn back to around late of 2015... When most of news medias trolled their a bit deep skinship moments on those award events pics at the same time...

Do you think it is just only accidental or willful by conspiracy term?

Tbh I still doubt since the event happened until now...

Why they all trolled those kind of pics to the world like need to say “We knew it!”

And if they knew it.... So, needed to tell esm about this for make money...

Then do you think how much esm must pay to these media?

But then...

If they already knew...

Why they wait until that time and tried to spread tea at the same time?

Even I think they knew it’s impossible to let’s esm pays a ton of money for their idols to them....

So...

They did it for what?

To tell esm for blackmail....

Or helped esm to press ji accept that kstal deal?

Or ......?

Then after those events, they didn’t trolled the combo pics like that again... - -”

To me it felt like a viral thing....

Happened and ended in one shot...

Full of doubt but I pretty sure I can’t clear it with 100%

Only doubt and doubt why blablabla but blablabla then blablabla? blablablabla...

More things since mid of 2015 until after kstal confirmed... I felt like it make sense, none make sense and wthex at the same time....

But I only doubt and kept it inside because I think it’s hard to found the true answer...

So no need to try hard to clear it... Because I think we know something you should keep it in silence only...

Even you think it full of doubt an unfair thing, need more clear but no one answer you. So...

I think at first kd accepted about kstal issue with no doubt in esm’s decision...

But when it passed for a while... They have seen many things happen.... I think they started to doubt in what esm told them about their relationship issue effect...

The first thing that made me think like that is his ig live at late of 2018

But when I saw that his ig live that he shoot despite where the battery is running out. I think he know his battery is running out before shooing. That why i full of question marks again with “he done ig live for what?”

And surprise to saw some comment under that ig live clip said his manager try to stop and said “rumor” before it end…

^^^Sorry if my parlance in these 2 paragraphs looks strange from others.... Because I copied and pasted 2 of them from my old content this.

And yes after I watched that live I felt like he need to tell us about the coming up of his dating issue...

Some of my questions in my head after saw it are... Why he did it?

I think he knew if he trolled some of us can get his point... It’s mean we can see more analysis about how fake of jk...

Even at last ppl can feel only the girl’s delulu that beyond the truth. XD

Is it not make esm risk?

But like we see that none of it in surface except jk was confirmed...

Btw I still doubt why he chose to leak it... Not keep it in secret like it should be...

Even it looks like a viral ig live for kidding feeling than he did it for some result....

But maybe he need only someone get his trigger viral... Who knows...

Then if + cebu ig issues... That’s why I told that anon that this is not first time of his leakage on his ig...

Sometime I felt like he use his ig for testing some tricks... That it’s work or not...

For something in the future...

Ok back to main course again before I take you go far far away... XD

And these are why I think maybe they had doubted in esm words about gay couple effect...

But I think at first their doubt is only a sediment that waiting for the crystallization day...

The day that their last chain was broke...

I think if jk issue not coming up...

They may keep their doubt in silent until the last day....

But because of esm trolled jn issue to ji again...

Maybe that issue was an eruption starter...

To find the truth about their relationship effect...

It’s real right like what esm told them or not...

And someone need to unfolded them is true or not?

Ok back to 2015-2016 again....

All of us who are kdist may knew that because someone tried to unfolded them...

So the dating issue should coming up to cover that hole...

But in other way... Some of fx fc said at last esm chose crystal, not yo*na because crystal already had some rumors about her relationship with amber or some china rich man at the same time...

Do you feel familiar?

One of famous girl and boy idols have bad bad rumors at the same time...

Along with you start to see a bit hint about those girl and boy idols have secret relationship to each other at the same time...

I think at first no one notice about this coincidence...

But if it comes again with same movement...

Are you feeling you wondering?

Why it happened like god need to match them together...?

kstal and jk have a pretty same pattern from the start... But difference in a bit of details and time ending....

So I'm not surprised if they are aware of it and start not trusting esm.

They just accept that deal but not mean they absolutely surrender...

Some of my feelings about esm vs ekso since late of 2016 until now...

It’s feel like if you deceive me, I will deceive you back.

I touched a bit betrayal from them in sometime...

Then...

I think jd issue is ji’s last chain....

How esm lets jd announced about his wedding like a regret surprise made him knew maybe the things they told him not 100% truth...

The thing esm say because of it, so we just let you do it for save your life maybe it was only saved esm life.

Even esm knew jd may too risked if he confessed that thing...

But esm lets jd do without any protect except gave more works to him like a reward...

And lets kr fan fight with ifan. No care ekso will 9 or not...

Because they no care at the started if we notice how lay can’t comeback with ekso anymore by cn gov and then by his schedule... But jackson g7 can come back with g7 all of times.... And lay at last came to kr to send soo enter the military....

So maybe what esm say to them is just only a scam...

Even someone unfolded them... Maybe it may nothing...

Do you remembered some reporter came out to say jk may fake?

I think it’s a good example to show him to know that if he leak something about their relationship...

Maybe it’s not too bad like esm say...

Then maybe jd issue let him to leak it....

That’s why I used to say that I felt like ji want to revenge and strike esm back with that updated.

Then why he waited until this time?

I think he always tries to find the time & way to leak it with good result. And some of his ig leakage before that ig undated are good examples about this...

And why he chose this time...

I think because it’s a good time to leak it if we think of his situation now in the name of sperm member under cpt & esm’s arm....

+ gucci, fenti ambassador....

+ one of vogue’s adore children...

I think esm can’t do anything to hurt him for save their deal at least with those partners...

Then a one thing that maybe true...

Anon said :

And as always, they are employees or former employees who sell information about idols. Only gay couples do not leak because magazines cannot publish because it is prohibited.

So....

If it’s true I think I no wonder if he wait until this time... It’s good chance to leak with take a bit effect or none of it...

+ How we sure ppl get attention, get notice or trust in our analysis about that ig updated? If you not interest in bxb life in girl’s vision...

+ I think ppl not care about what he say then and now. They focused only wow~ soo with ji...

I think most of ppl maybe not remembered what he say on that birthday ig live....

Then if they remembered.. So...?

Like we see kstal & jk was confirmed and ended with they were real and they are faked depend on each ppl vision...

So maybe he leaked it now because he a bit sure that maybe it may not hurt him much and no need to keep it in secret again if esm can unfolded their artist by themselves like what they did with jd issue...

And maybe this is a last test for make him sure before go to the next step...

Who knows....

But these are only my dumb brain cell’s overload....

So hope you enjoy reading... XD

And sorry if it wasted your time...

Tbh I need to talk with more clear...

But I don’t know how to explain some idea from th to eng.

Sorry....

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

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Survey #282

“daddy’s flown across the ocean / leaving just a memory / a snapshot in the family album / daddy, what’d you leave behind for me?”

What is your favorite type of dance? I like modern dances, especially those unusual or creepy with unique music. They’re the dances I look forward to watching in dance competitions. Do you find making scenes in public fun? Oh fuck no. Lemonade or pink lemonade? Pink is Supreme in so many ways. Where do you feel safest? At home, especially if Mom is here. Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? No, but I’d love to. Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? No. I don’t want to move to Africa. What do you like to do when you're home alone? HAHA okay so I almost exclusively watch Unus Annus when Mom isn’t home because I will almost without a doubt cackle at least once, and… explaining why I’d be laughing would be WILD. UA is a fucking gift & I’mma miss it when it’s gone. What kind of music calms you down? My best bet is nostalgic music that I hold very close, like Ozzy. The soundtracks to SotC and SH2 are also magical when it comes to soothing me. Who did you last go to a park with? Uhhhh… probably not since I took family pictures for someone. Got some nice ones. Have you ever been robbed? Thankfully, no. Are you working, a student, both, or neither? Neither, and at nearly 25, it’s fucking humiliating. I’m thinking of appealing my disability case (you very rarely get it the first time), but of course self-doubt and anxiety just slaps me across the face again and again by asking, “Do you really need it?” That shit is agonizing. Very highly regarded people in my life agree that it’s realistic for me, at least at this moment, while I sort out my mental health. I don’t plan on being on it forever, fuck no. But right now I am, no matter what anyone says, a leech in my home. What's your favorite holiday? Christmas. I prefer Halloween’s “vibe,” of course, but I am much more excited and just thankful at Christmastime, especially now as an aunt with children who *understand* the holiday. Their joy and excitement is enough of a gift to me. It’s always really hard on Mom because she’s convinced she doesn’t do enough (she cries at least once like… every year), but my sisters and I always reassure her. It’s also a nice opportunity to see Dad and my stepmom, also with my sister’s family, and once again we get to see the kids so happy. But enough about them; what I love most about Christmas is I generally am able to put my troubles into perspective and take the time to remember I am, in the big picture, lucky to have what and who I do. And SNOW!!!!! If you can’t tell I’m stoked for Christmas. Do you prefer male or female friends? Both are great, but I’m more relaxed with female friends because of the whole “scared of men” ordeal. What's your favorite dessert? Biiiiihhhhh lemme get my hands on ice cream. Do you ever go on chatroulette or omegle? Noooo, I never did. That shit creeps me out. Besides, I’m shy. What kind of tea do you drink? None. Do you know anyone in a gang? Not to my knowledge… What color is your fridge? White. We decided to use the fridge already in this house versus our old one. Is your phone mostly on vibrate, silent, or ringtone? It’s just about always on vibrate. Do you own black sunglasses? I don’t own any sunglasses. Are you currently looking for a job? Fuck if I know. Not actively, but if something suitable magically popped up, I’d definitely pursue it. Do you watch MTV? No. Do you like to tell people who you like? Historically, I tend to keep my mouth shut about it to people who know that love interest unless explicitly asked, and even then, it depends on if I think they’ll keep their mouth shut. How often do you braid your hair? It’s too short to be braided. I very rarely had it braided beforehand. What color is your microwave? Black. Do you wash your face in the morning when you wake up? If I remember, especially if I’m groggy. Are you interested in the ocean? No more or no less than the average person. What's a big turn on for you? Keeping physical stuff outta this, I’m just such a fuckin sucker for being authentically romantic lmao. Have you ever thought about being a teacher? Heeeeeelllllll no. What's the first thing you do when you turn your computer on? Close out of the stuff that automatically pops up after it starts. Do you drink Gatorade? Ugh, ew, no. Do you hate when people replace 0's with O's? EX: 9:OO AM. Lol no, it’s honestly aesthetically pleasing in some formats. Did you hate riding the bus? Some of my best school memories are the long bus rides home w/ Jason so uh- Do you ever use XOXO in texts, letters etc..? Nah. Has anyone ever told you they liked you to your face? Yeah. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. Reading or writing? Writing. Do you have a childhood nickname? Mom called (and sometimes still does lakjdf;alkwe) me “Twinkie.” She gave sweets-oriented nicknames to all her kids. Have you ever had a Moon Pie? UGH they’re gross. I have this faint memory as a kid of a sweetheart babysitter my sisters and I had always offering us banana moon pies as a snack or dessert, idr. I’ve always hated anything banana-flavored. Has your car ever had troubles? N/A What's your birthstone? Amethyst. Would you join the navy? I want nothing to do with anything remotely related to war. What's your favorite board game? Battleship. Do you like chess? I’ve never played it nor even know the rules. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it? I was absolutely parched after a long, sweaty walk and was offered it to “try” by my mom without me knowing it was alcohol… the “WAIT NO STOP” from everyone was so quick lmao. It was just hard lemonade, so nothing super serious. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectantly turned up pregnant right this second? I probably would. There is no fucking way I can emotionally handle carrying a baby right now. But I’d feel like absolute shit, even though I’m pro-choice. I just don’t want to picture myself in that situation. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it? Probably. Although generally, I’m very resilient to peer pressure when it comes to something I really don’t want to do. What is your favorite video game console? Why? PS2, of course. I think the best games came from that era, many ahead of their time. Example, the original Shadow of the Colossus graphics massively pressured the limits of the software, and it still to this day blows me away. Sure, you have some lag in return, but the end result was just magnificent. I seriously, seriously, seriously hope I’m able to play the remake one day. When you lost your virginity, were you sober? I was. As of this minute, what is going through your mind? How I need a change and purpose in life so motherfucking badly. Where’s the last place you went? I was riding around with Mom, doing some errands. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes. When was the last time you went apple picking? Never. Do you have a good relationship with your cousins? We don’t really… have a relationship. We don’t talk, we just kinda “exist” knowing we’re related. What was the last kids movie you saw? I watched some of Hotel Transylvania 3 with my niece and nephew. Do you know anyone who was born in Africa? When I was still in college, there was at least one guy in my class who was. Tutored me in math. Patience of a saint, haha. Have you ever been to an internet cafe? I actually have zero clue what that is. Has the year gone quickly for you so far? I’ve barely discerned 2018-2020, if I’m being honest with you. It’s just a lump of time where I’ve done jack-all. I mean yeah, school fits in there somewhere, but mentally I wasn’t in a wonderful place and haven’t been “happy” for a long time. My mental state has been the same for a few years. How many siblings does your significant other have? N/A Are you one of those people who can drink vodka straight? Oh, I hiiiighly doubt it. I loathe the taste of alcohol. Do you share a middle name with any of your friends? I legitimately have one of the most basic white bitch middle names in America, I know tons. How many pairs of jeans do you own? None. Do you know the name of the pharmacist at your local drug store? One, yes, considering Mom worked there before the cancer and is still in touch with this pharmacist. What flavor is your toothpaste? Mint. Are you sleepy right now? I think I’m permanently sleepy. Do you like crime films and tv shows? Not especially. Are you bitter about anything? Many things. What was the first online account you remember having? Neopets. My older sister helped me set it up when I was somewhere around eight. Do you use emojis? More than I used to. I’m gradually converting from emoticons to emojis, oof. What was the last type of soda you drank? Mountain Dew. Do you remember much from high school? I probably remember too much from high school, if I’m being honest. I remember far too much in far too much detail during the almost four years I dated Jason. Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? Probably the Bahamas, mostly for the pink beaches, aha. It would also be an incredible photography opportunity. Do you know anyone who has a strong accent that is hard to understand? My former best friend’s dad was so southern that yes, I could barely understand him whatsoever. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? If you mean a fresh, new one and not a glow-up on the Mark tribute tat I’ve mentioned five thousand times, a tribute to Teddy featuring his portrait, pawprint, and the Powerwolf lyrics “and we’ll meet where the wild wolves have gone.” I’m going to be picky as a motherfucker about the design itself, though, so realistically it probably wouldn’t be tomorrow since I’d probably commission people to draw in varying styles. Ugh, I need that tattoo gun, my man. What was the last podcast you listened to? Do you listen to it regularly? That would be 4 Peens in a Pod (it’s… not a porn I swear, it’s Fischfuck and the boys lmao). I’m waaaaaaaaaaay behind on it, though. I watch so many different things now that I’m behind on like… everything I watch/listen to. Are you on a first-name basis with your boss? (or last boss if unemployed) I think I was with all of them? What was the last thing you wrote in a Word document? This survey. Because I combine short ones into Big Boys that I usually don’t finish in one go, I save my progress on it. Who do you miss and what do you miss about them? I miss a number of people and would rather not retrospect on them. What were the best and worst costumes you’ve ever worn? *shrug* Do you know anybody who is gay and married? I think so. What did you last take painkillers for? A headache. Are there any hobbies you want to get back into? Ugh. A whole fucking lot. I’ve thought quite a bit recently on how I miss video editing, but I just don’t have the motivation and dedication for that anymore. Have you ever shared a home with a friend? Yes. What’s the craziest or weirdest place you’ve ever slept? Nowhere that strange at all… Probably just like, the floor, but even then with blankets and stuff. What did you have for lunch today and who made it? I haven't had lunch yet. Are you allergic to anything? How did you find out? Pollen is pretty obvious, while serious discoloring and itching let me know I was allergic to silver. Have you ever been on a date with someone you met online? How was it? Yeah, I was visiting her for a couple weeks. It was nice. Who was the last very physically attractive person you saw? In ~real life~, probably some friend on Facebook. Do you know anyone who is deaf? We recently found out actually that my youngest niece is deaf in her left ear due to a massive buildup of fluid in it. I’m so ready to hear about her reaction to hearing normally once it’s taken care of. Has there ever been a person you regret ever being friends with? Probably at some point. “Ever” makes this question difficult. Do you think you have a good understanding on love? Yes. What do you think of your parent(s)? I love them both immensely while acknowledging their flaws. What celebrity do you think should of never become famous? I don’t care enough to think on this honestly haha. Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze? What about the Harry Potter craze? Neither. What's your opinion about Katy Perry's song "I Kissed a Girl"? It was bold for its time, for sure. I’ve never minded it. Actually since coming out as bi I’ve known that this song has to be included in the recession dances of my wedding if my partner is female lmao. Do you believe in heaven? If so, what's it like? If not, why? I hope there’s some sort of total bliss after death if you’re deserving of such, but I don’t know. I definitely don’t know how I actually picture it. Even if there’s not, well, I’m assuming I just won’t exist anymore, so I wouldn’t be able to care anyway. Sometimes I hope that's the case. What email service do you use for your main (or only) email account? Hotmail. Did you ever believe in the Tooth Fairy? Yeah. I remember there was one time where “she” didn’t trade my tooth for munz and I was so mad lmao. Mom apparently forgot and slipped something under the pillow while I was getting ready for school. How I fell for it, who knows man, kids are wild. How do you feel about Taco Bell? I’m not a Mexican food fan, really, but I do love their cheese (with or without chicken) quite a bit. The cinnamon bite things are bomb as FUCK, too. I’m still mad tilted they took potato products off their menu tho because I used to destroy the fiesta potatoes. How often do you go on to YouTube? I’m like… always on it. Not focusing on it at all times, but something’s in the background. Back when Spongebob Squarepants was famous, were you interested in it? Well of course, man. What's your dream pet? Ugggghhhh a sunset morph ball python, probably. Buuut I’ve seen some over $2k with their rarity. More realistically, I really, really want a Brazilian Black tarantula. And an arctic morph hognose. I want a lot of pets. ;_; Who's been your favorite teacher growing up, and why? God, I have a lot, honestly. All things considered, the answer is probably Miss Tobey, who was my physical science teacher in high school. She’s an extremely close family friend now involved regularly in my family’s lives. She can be… difficult and says shit before thinking, but we love her nevertheless. What's your favorite fairy tale? Fuck outta here if you say Shrek isn’t one. Do you have a favorite pen? Uh, no… I barely ever use pens anyway. Has a child ever asked you a question you found difficult to answer? Yeah; it happens sometimes with my niece and nephew. Name five books you've read in the past year. I think I’ve read the first three Wings of Fire book within the same year, and I’m currently on the forth. Other than those, I started The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but only got through the prologue I think before my focus shifted onto WoF. I still plan on reading it at some point, though. ^Are any of those books your favorite? No. The prequel to The Testaments, The Handmaid’s Tale, is very high up there, though. Are you a person that enjoys re-reading books? Not at all. Once I read it once, I’m done. There are VERY few books I’ve reread, and most of those were children’s books from when I was little. Do you have a favorite talk show host? Don’t watch any. Which sounds the most refreshing: a hot shower or a cold one? I prefer hot showers unless I seeeeeriously need to cool down. Have you ever made your own soap? No. Can you sleep with socks on? UGH NO. When was the last time you were pissed beyond belief and why? Ummm good question. I don’t know about *that* mad. Maybe when Ashley’s mother-in-law shared a massively homophobic article that condoned conversion therapy on Facebook that resulted in me removing her from my friends and RAGING to my mom about it. That was forever ago, though. Do you have a favorite candle brand? No. What is your opinion on taxidermy? I have… very mixed feelings. If the animal was hunted for sport, then it’s fuckin disgusting; you literally killed an animal with the intention to show off the fact you’re a goddamn murderer. On the other hand, taxidermy of naturally-deceased animals can be educational, and even… artistic sometimes? I don’t know. I can’t really pick one stance over the other. Would you ever want to own a body part in a jar? Actually, yes, particularly of fetal animals (that WERE NOT killed for the sake of displaying), but for the same reasons above, I’m not sure if I would *really* do it. They are incredibly interesting to me, more so than taxidermy probably, but yeah, I still question the morality of it. What is the worst thing you have ever done to your own hair? I don’t think I’ve ever really done a “bad” thing to my hair. What qualities of yours do you think could potentially harm a relationship? I’m very clingy and, in the beginning, very paranoid that you’re going to leave. Have any of your childhood habits carried over into adolescence/adulthood? I had AWFUL separation anxiety from my mom for a very long time as a kid, and I guess that evolved into my extreme inability to handle loss well, maybe. I’d say they’re at least somewhat related. What is the first band that comes to mind when I say 'dark'? Cradle of Filth popped up first. As far as relationships go, what are your biggest deal-breakers? Abuse, arrogance, and distrust probably top the list. Be honest: do looks really matter to you? Nah. It’s nice to be physically attracted to my partner, but it’s not a must. Have you ever done something simply because you were of age? No. Do you think it's worth it to tell someone you had feelings for them when you don't have them anymore? I mean, what’s the situation? Are you hanging out, talking about relationships casually? I’d say it’s fine then if it’s relevant to the conversation. I don’t think it’s worth going out of your way to tell someone you liked them if you don’t anymore, though. Have you ever done something you once thought you'd be too chicken to do? Y’know that ride at fairs where you go up really high on a circular thing with other people and then drop abruptly? That. I screamed like a mf lmao. I had to put a lot of effort into not yelling “SHIIIIIIIIIIIT” lmao. What's a food you love but don't get to eat very often? Stuff involving shrimp, ig. What's your favorite mythical being? Dragons! Have you ever felt a baby kick? I don’t think so, and I don’t want to, considering it’s fucking terrifying to me. I can’t even see a baby move without screaming and wanting to hurl. When is the last time you did something truly fun, and what was it? Who the fuck knows… What is the worst thing you've ever done when you were really angry? Said things I shouldn’t have. Are there any pills you take on a daily basis? If so, what? A lot. I can’t be bothered to go through all of them. At what age do you first remember feeling butterflies in your stomach around someone? I’m not sure. Do you feel that way around anyone now? I don’t think so. What is your main heritage? German or Irish, idr which is more prominent. What is a song that you hate to admit you like? “Bitches” by Hollywood Undead came to me first lmao. What inspires you to get off your bum and do something productive? More than anything, watching inspirational YouTube videos. What part of your body have you had the most problems with in your life? I suppose maybe my ears? I had tubes put in as a kid, I had an absolutely agonizing ear infection once, I had earwax adhered to my eardrum, and they've always been STUPID dry and flaky. Are you watching your weight? Like a hawk, but it doesn’t seem to matter anyway. :^) Have you ever become really good friends with someone you found online? Most of my closest friends I’ve met online. What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen? You’re asking the wroooong person, lol. I’ve just seen way too many… Have you ever created anything artistic that you're proud of? If so, what? Lots of things; drawings, some writing, photographs, video edits… What do you like on your hotdogs, if you eat hotdogs? Just ketchup and mustard. What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable? Sex. What is a subject you can talk on and on about and not get sick of it? MEERKATS and MARK What is the worst thing someone could do to you emotionally? Tell me I’m weak. Or that my mental illnesses truly do make me unlovable. Just essentially do fucking not make me feel what Jason did. What is the worst thing you've ever done to someone emotionally? Said some extremely mean and potentially scarring shit.

#survey #quiz #questions #questionnaire

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millie-ionaire05 · 4 years ago

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Saudade - Ot 7 | 09

Ot7 BTS

Genre: Psychological Thriller

Rating: M (Mature)

word count: 2,188

Trigger Warnings: Hospitalization (rehab, mental institute). Mental health issues (Text Reason to 741741 if you need to reach out for help). Insinuated M x M (if you squint hard enough). Substance abuse (alcohol, pills | call 1-800-662-4357 if you are dealing with this). Weapons (gun, knife). Smoking (cigarettes, weed). Mentions of suicide/attempted suicide (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255). Violence (murder/attempted murder). Mentions of blood. Mentions of therapy sessions (these are not accurate representations, please leave it to proper professionals). Mentions of physical abuse (Call 1-800-799-7233 if you are dealing with domestic violence) WE DO NOT GLORIFY THESE WARNINGS/TRIGGERS; THIS IS A FICTIONAL STORY, AND DOES NOT RELATE TO ANY OF THE MEMBERS. IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH ANY OF THESE, PLEASE REACH OUT TO YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITIES FOR ASSISTANCE, OR THE NUMBERS LISTED ABOVE.

↤ Previous | 09 | Next ↦

January 14th, 2018 | 15:20

“I think he’s starting to remember.”

Yoongi’s words reverberate like a threat in his brain as he downs another bottle of soju, disregarding the shot glass he’d previously been using. The desire to quiet the voice overrides the need to take things slow. Namjoon stumbles, colliding softly with the wall. He shifts, his back sliding clumsily down until his ass hits the ground and he releases the bottle, hearing it roll across the floor a bit from him.

From his pocket he pulls out the drawing Yoongi had brought and his heart begins to thrum furiously beneath his ribs. A smudge of the graphite used tints his fingers as he unfurls the paper. Swallowing hard, he stares at the dark image, the strokes seemingly etched hurriedly on the page as if the artist felt the inspiration would disappear from his mind before he could finish it.

As he continues to stare, the raven becomes a blur, Namjoon’s eyes beginning to lose focus. Could things have been different if he had tried more? If he had intervened and forced them to talk it out, would things not have gone so far? Would they all not be so estranged from each other?

Letting his head fall back as despair washes over him, he turns to gaze over at the afternoon light streaming into his place from two square windows high above a small table and chair set against the container wall. In his peripheral vision, he makes out the tattooing needle, ink and supplies he has stored in that area and sits up, eyes widening slightly. He stumbles up onto his feet, sauntering over unsteadily before plopping down into the chair, his mind now locked on one thought only.

Tattoo the bird as tribute.

Even in his inebriated state, he doesn't worry about making a mistake. This was the one thing he was good at. His fingers are nimble, steady as he opens a new needle and attaches it to the nail gun along with the ink. An incessant buzzing soon fills the quiet space as his brows furrow in concentration.

He barely feels the pain of the needle as it rapidly punctures his flesh repeatedly, delivering the black ink to the space beneath his skin. At the faint sound of police sirens in the far distance, a memory from the prior year comes to the forefront as he focuses on each line and stroke. A memory of him and Taehyung as they’d been tagging a concrete hedge in the middle of the night. After a few drinks, the two had grown bored, looking for something to do. Taehyung had brought a few cans of spray paint and suggested they add a bit of art to the playground not too far from where they were. He hadn’t really been down for that, but Taehyung had insisted and he didn’t want him to go alone. It wasn’t long before they had reached the spot and Taehyung began spray painting the area.

They chuckled and teased each other as Tae colored the cement, both too busy enjoying themselves to notice the police car patrolling the area. Blue and red lights flashed across the wall, alerting Namjoon first. Straightening, eyes-wide, he tapped Taehyung’s arm, his chin jutting out to the area behind him, simultaneously snatching up his younger friend’s backpack. Taehyung turned, mouth and eyes turning into large O’s before the two began to run.

Though their feet pumped swiftly, eating up the pavement, they were no match for the police and were soon caught, the officers none too gentle as they slammed them against their vehicle. Namjoon couldn’t help but grin over at Taehyung as the cuffs clicked into place around his wrists. Taehyung returned the gesture with a boxy smile of his own, even as one of the officers opened his bag, the spray cans spilling out onto the asphalt below. His smile dissipates as the officer grows rougher with Namjoon, yanking him harshly, hurting his arm as they straighten him up. It was then that Namjoon noticed the shift in Taehyung’s eyes go from mirthful to worried.

He had been concerned with how the officer was treating Namjoon, but he had also come to realize that his parents would be notified of his arrest and were not going to take it well. Especially his father. Taehyung’s father was very strict and was known for physically showing his displeasure in the way of bruises and nicks that would decorate his skin.

Namjoon squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head as if to clear the images from his mind. Letting out a heavy breath, he stands, walking towards a tall floor mirror he has leaning against the opposite wall. He’d placed it there for his clients to check out the ink he’d apply to them. Namjoon turns his forearm towards the mirror, twisting his wrist left and right as he takes in the image he’d permanently etched there.

A lump forms in his throat, as he remembers receiving a frantic phone call from Jin just a few days after Taehyung and he had been arrested.

“Slow down, Jin-hyung. I can’t understand a word you’re saying,” Namjoon urged.

He could hear Jin take in a breath and let it out before he made another attempt to convey his message.

“It’s Taehyung,” he began again, his voice shaking terribly. “He...Jesus, he tried to kill himself, man.”

“What?!” Namjoon exclaimed, his heart falling with a thud into the pit of his stomach.

“Look, we’re nearby,” he’d informed him. “Can-can I just bring him over? I can’t do this on my own.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Just have a towel and some clothes ready...for both of us.”

“Wha…”

But Jin had hung up without elaborating and after a few seconds of staring at his phone, random scenarios accosting his mind, he’d sprang into action, grabbing towels and clothes for Jin and Taehyung. And he’d been right. It had not taken but about ten minutes for them to reach his place.

After Jin had pounded on his door, Namjoon opened up to the sight of Jin holding up their younger friend. Taehyung raised his head slowly, his cobalt blue hair plastered to his head and face. He moved as if his head weighed tons, his eyes meeting Namjoons almost reluctantly. The dark orbs swam with guilt and exhaustion. Snapping to, he reached forward to help Jin bring Taehyung in.

The two assisted Tae with undressing and drying up. There was a lavender tint to his lips, his face pallid and devoid of it’s usual tanned color. His skin was icy to the touch. Namjoon shivered fearfully. They dressed him quickly and Namjoon had to bite his tongue to keep from demanding what had happened. He led him to his sofa bed while Jin went into the bathroom to switch into dry clothes.

Taehyung didn’t speak as he crawled onto the pull out bed, his eyes already fluttering closed as his head touched down on the pillow. Namjoon tucked a thick blanket around him, squeezing his shoulder gently before straightening up. Jin was just stepping out of the bathroom, his dark brown hair slightly dishevelled.

“Can we talk outside?” Jin questioned, glancing over at Taehyung’s presumably sleeping form.

Namjoon nodded and grabbed coats for both of them. Zipping them up, they stepped outside, puffs of steam expelling from their mouths as they met the cool Spring evening.

As the door clicked behind him, Namjoon could no longer wait for the details, demanding, “What happened?” Jin ran both of his hands through his hair in exasperation, his usually plump lips pressed tightly together in a thin grave line.

“My being there was just pure chance, ya know?” he started, head shaking as he paced back and forth. “I keep trying not to think about how differently this night would have turned out had I not had the fucking sudden urge to go night fishing.”

“Jin-hyung,” Namjoon insisted. “Just tell me what happened.” He paused, staring at Najmoon, his eyes full of terror.

“Like I said, I went to the pier to go night fishing, fish bite good in this type of weather.” He closed his eyes, trying to get himself back on track. “Anyway, I had casted my line when I saw the moonlight gleam off of something in the water. At first, I just thought it was a dolphin, but it wasn’t moving. I turned my flashlight towards the object and realized it was a person. I didn’t even think twice. I took off my clothes and jumped in.”

“Jesus,” Namjoon swiped a hand down his face in surprise.

“I couldn’t really see their face, I just grabbed them and swam with them to the water's edge. Once on shore, and we were beneath a street lamp, the blood drained out of my body when I saw it was Taehyung. He was so pale, his lips blue. God, I panicked for a moment, but it was just a moment. I performed CPR on him and it worked, obviously,” his hand signaled towards the door.

“How did he end up in the water?!” Namjoon exclaimed.

“When he came to, he didn’t want to say, but he finally admitted he had climbed up the scaffolding and jumped in. Since he doesn’t know how to swim, he was hoping he would drown.”

“What? Why?”

Jin shook his head, “He said he didn’t want to be a disgrace to his family.”

“Shit,” Namjoon cursed, biting at his lower lip. “His father must have reamed him pretty badly for him to want to go to this extreme.”

“Yea,” Jin agreed, stuffing his hands into the pockets of the coat.

“Look, I’ll take care of him tonight,” Namjoon dropped a comforting hand on Jin’s shoulder. “Go home, get some rest. I’ll talk to him. He’s going to be ok.”

Jin nodded, “Ok. I’ll call in the morning to check up on you two.”

Jin had left then and when Namjoon re-entered his home, Taehyung’s eyes were open, staring out, unseeing.

“Tae?” Namjoon called softly, and his eyes refocused and landed on him. “You’re ok. You’re safe now.”

“He told you,” he whispered, despondently.

“Of course he did,” Namjoon sat down cross-legged before Taehyung. “We are all brothers after all and we don’t keep things from each other.”

“Yeah,” he sighed.

“You want to tell me what happened?” Namjoon probed. “I mean, what made you want to do this?”

Taehyung drew his body into the fetal position, his brows drawing down tightly.

“My...my dad didn’t take my arrest too well,” he admitted. “He beat me when I came home and told me I was a disgrace and had brought dishonor to our family. I figured killing myself would restore my family’s honor.”

Namjoon’s eyes glittered with unshed tears, as he tried to remain strong for his young friend.

“No. Killing yourself will not restore your family’s honor, Taehyungie,” he told him softly. “Living an honorable life will. Don’t do anything to get arrested again and work hard. That’s all you have to do. Can you promise me that?”

Taehyung sighed, but nodded. “I promise.”

“OK then. Let’s get some sleep.”

Putting down a comforter on the floor, Namjoon curled up underneath a blanket next to the sofa bed, and slept knowing Taehyung was alive and well next to him.

Namjoon picks up the soju bottle he’d released earlier and throws it angrily at the mirror. What had happened to their brotherhood and their promise to never keep things from each other? The glass shatters, falling in a glittering cascade at his feet. He looks down, his reflection a broken image across hundreds of shards. He catches sight of the white lily tattoo on his other forearm that he’d previously given himself.

“Namjoon, listen, it’s Jin,” his hyung sighs heavily into the phone. “I got a missed call from Taehyung earlier. He’s been arrested again. He asked me not to tell you, but you know what happened last time and I couldn’t…. You have to get him out. We can’t let his parent’s find out this time.”

Namjoon replays the voicemail left the previous night, cursing himself for drinking that night and not bothering to charge his phone.

Namjoon takes the picture of the bird and walks to his kitchen to grab another drink, whiskey this time, pouring it into a short glass. Pulling a lighter from his pocket, he brings the sheet towards it as he flicks it open. The paper instantly kindles, growing brighter as the flame licks up the dry surface. Namjoon’s eyes follow the chard edge as it swallows up the initials that had been scribbled on the back. When there is nothing but a corner left, he drops it into the amber liquid. As the hiss quiets, he brings the alcohol to his lips. The ash and whisky slide down past his lips to mingle in his gut with the beer and soju he had previously drunk. Jin's pale face flashes before his eyes just as he passes out in a heap on the floor.

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aprevailingtaste · 5 years ago

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Lessons: 2019

As usual, I have to preface this with saying that while I set this to post on January 1, 2020... this was actually written in April 2020. So I already knew what 2020 has in store for me... but that’s not to say that I can’t say much about 2019, oh boy, I do.

There’s a lot to be said about you, 2019. Enough that it has taken me this long to write a letter to you. A lot happened... and well, it was a rough ending.

Suffice it to say, it started like how 2018 started. I was at work. I don’t remember much of it actually... not that I’ve grown older, much of my memory has been erased. I never thought I would be at this stage, but here I am. I think I remember going to bed early since I had to be at work the next day and thus missing your entrance entirely. I remember cleaning up at work, just as I had welcomed 2018 much the same way. But much of that spring was a blur. Up until in May when I went to visit Japan — which was full of amazing surprises and alas, with every trip, I always have a meltdown (or someone does and it’s usually me.) Then about five months later, I also got to visit the Philippines.

But at any rate, my relationship with my friends remain the same as they were in 2018. Stagnant, not much of growth— in fact, perhaps there was even a decline in them. I don’t know. I want to make new friends... but there seems to be no avenue where I can. The end of 2019 made me think so much about my friendship with others. In that, I can barely trust anyone anymore. Is this my descent into madness? Maybe. WIth so much going on in my life, I’m not sure that my friendships with people are going to endure. I’ve started to keep so many secrets from everyone. Mostly because I know they don’t care. But also the ways I’ve collected information in terms of gauging their reaction... I just know everything will be met with resistance. Who knows? I don’t.

2019, I’m not sure you taught me anything. Maybe you did. That oftentimes the people that have been your foundation will eventually turn to you as the rock. And it’s really hard. Between finding out about sicknesses and grief and everything, it’s been rough. I don’t know what else to say really. There were for sure highlights about the year... but mostly, when I look back at 2019, I think of mostly the lows. The fights that broke out, the amount of times I had to visit the hospital. There was just too much. And I’m not sure where this puts me, how this makes me feel.

You started off so unassuming and yet here I am, so far removed from you — I can’t lie and say that I can’t think of a single happy thing about you. Because that’s wrong: there were a ton of things that made you an amazing year. But there were also a ton of things that made you the worst year. For once, in the past ten years that I’ve been doing this, I thought I would be looking forward to 2020, to your brother year. And I’m already a few months into it and now I’m not so sure.

I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of what you brought into my life, 2019.

#lessons #loveletter #2019 #endoftheyear

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yanxious · 4 years ago

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personal view on productivity, overall accomplishment and the way self-care is promoted

All the [references] are at the end with all the info for libgen.is and sci-hub.tw (I personally uploaded them to both platforms). The text is about my thoughts on those topics and how I think the way self-care is promoted on media / schools can be misleading and have negative effects on productivity - based on those references and my personal experience.

I’m writing this for myself - but if someone read it feel free to comment since it’s probably an unpopular opinion that I have. I am by no means a psychologist or a generally healthy person.

The idea of ego-depletion (in other words, limited willpower) is a well-known concept. It was first published by a research group from Case Western Reserve University [1] and was made famous by a best seller self-help book that followed it [2]. Nowadays lots of coaches and books still use this concept.

But what is it? It’s basically the idea of our willpower being physically limited. It means that every time we make a decision we cut back on the reservoir of ‘willpower’ available for us, eventually having a ‘temporarily reduction in the self’s capacity or willingness to engage in actions (including controlling the environment, working, controlling the self, making choices and initiating new actions)’ [1]. It is important to note that it’s not the same as getting tired; it’s like we have a literal ‘physical reservoir of willpower available’ to use in a determined period of time.

You can read on [3, a counter-research study*] why this concept has been proved wrong a few times and they propose that ‘whether depletion takes place or not depends only on a person’s belief about whether willpower is a limited resource’. In other words, it’s not actual ‘ego-depletion’ that makes you unable to make decisions, but your belief in it.

Now after this intro (that is way bigger than I wanted it to? I’m terrible at writing and I’m sorry for that) we will finally talk about my experience and the reasons I think self-care is promoted in a misleading way and how it had terrible effects on my last year of high school / first semester of university.

I want to begin making sure that self-care is important if you are keeping truly healthy habits, but not if it becomes an excuse for doing less. I remember hearing really often about the idea of self-care and I was very encouraged to take care of myself in order to prevent burnout and overstressing (which is important, don’t take me wrong). Even my therapist told me multiple times that I could only study / work for so long without being burnout even if it was something I loved doing. The idea of self-care that presented to me was, most of the time, related to the idea of limited willpower / ego-depletion.

So for a long time I believed in that ‘self-care’ because basically it told me to take more breaks in order to be healthier. And I loved it. I was taking more breaks, using headspace, having a ton of sleep and playing lots of videogames while avoiding my work because I was “way too stressed” and I would need to do that not to “burnout”. But of course I was deceiving myself. I basically took self-care as an excuse to indulge in bad habits and stop doing what I needed to do. What I’m trying to say is that the way self-care is promoted most of the times can be misleading because it leads to believing in ego-depletion (that has been proven wrong and can have negative effects on your productivity).

Of course I’m not here to say that self-care is complete bullshit. It is very possible for you to overwork yourself, feel overstressed and unhappy. What I’m trying to bring up is that the moment I understood that I was able to do something for countless hours it became easier to do so. The moment I realized I can work for any amount of time, working for 7-8 hours a day became way easier. I even talked about it with my therapist at the time and we agreed that the pleasure of completing a task is way more beneficial than avoiding it with the excuse of taking care of myself. The pleasure of learning something substituted the illusion of being exhausted - and the feeling of being active is way more fulfilling than anything else.

We need to magnify the effects of being productive and self-care without the idea of ego-depletion in its background. I know countless people that are doing way less than they are able to and still feeling unhappy while using the excuse of being too stressed for doing too much. Of course there are problems we can’t solve with that (probably most of the problems, I am a very privileged person with very simple problems) and sometimes you just can’t produce your own serotonin and need to understand that store-bought is fine. The thing is we are all capable of doing great things and there is no physical limitation to how much you can do in a certain period of time, even if most sources try to convince us the opposite. Dedicating huge amounts of time to anything is a habit and you will never be able to do it if you don’t exercise it. I’ve been working and studying more than ever (especially during lockdown) and it even became a relief valve for when I’m down and don’t want to think about other stuff. It makes me feel accomplished and I wish someday everyone I know and love will have something as simple as that that brings that feeling of accomplishment.

This is, of course, based on my personal experience. I try to rely on scientific / peer-reviewed articles in order to form my opinions and this is one I want to save here so I can read later. Sometimes I just need to remember myself that I’m able to do stuff and that I have the privilege of doing something I like.

* Since it’s a recent study (divided in 4 parts, with a huge sample size) its results show better statistical significance [4] and coherent results

my opinion about this topic was highly influenced by Arpi Park’s channel and Lex Fridman’s view on productivity

References:

[1] Ego Depletion: Is the Active Self a Limited Resource? - Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1998, Vol. 74, No. 5, 1252-1265 - 0022-3514/98

[2] Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength - 2011 - ISBN 978-1-59420-307-7

[3] Ego Depletion-Is It All in Your Head? Implicit Theories About Willpower Affect Self-Regulation - August 2010 - Psychological Science 21(11):1686-93 DOI: 10.1177/0956797610384745

[4] Two-sample t tests: Statistics for the Social Sciences - Sirkin, R. Mark (2005). (3rd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc. pp. 271–316. ISBN 978-1-412-90546-6. [I highly recommend this article for anyone in social sciences but they generally don’t give a shit about calculus]

more stuff about it

> From Ego Depletion to Vitality: Theory and Findings Concerning the Facilitation of Energy Available to the Self - Social and Personality Psychological Compass - Volume 2, Issue 2, March 2008, Pages 702-717 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2008.00098.x

> An updated meta-analysis of the ego depletion effect - Psychological Research (2018) - 82:645–651 - DOI 10.1007/s00426-017-0862-x 4

> Publication bias and the limited strength model of self-control: has the evidence for ego depletion been overestimated? - Front. Psychol., 30 July 2014 | https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00823

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