#but i have a bachelor's degree in what i wanted to study and didn't completely burn out in the process and it led me to what i'm doing now

[supercantaloupe]

You said you're in grad school for musicology once, right? I'm curious as to what that's like and how you got there, since I wanted to major in something like musicology or music history for my undergrad but there's almost no programs for either on an undergrad level in my area (Except for one school) and I'm kinda loathing the idea of doing another 4 years of performance but I'm willing to do it as a means to an end (please disregard this ask if I was wrong abt your major btw )

under the cut for long answer ⬇

i think i understand where you're coming from. there were a lot of factors that went into where i chose to attend for undergrad but a chief factor among them was i wanted a liberal arts college with a music school, NOT a conservatory, because i knew if i put myself in the environment of a conservatory and spent 100% of my time working for performance i would burnout and quit. i wanted a school where i could balance music and other studies, which was important to me because when i started college i actually didn't know if i wanted to major in music. i started out as a music major but that was almost a placeholder at the beginning; i didn't know what ELSE i would study, but i figured it would start out in this music thing and i could switch majors later if i wanted. it turns out i didn't want to switch, and i ended up graduating four years later with a music degree, and 99% of the time i don't regret it. (the 1% is my standard built-in neurosis that makes me doubt everything i do all the time. it's whatever.)

but i will also add that i have a bachelor of arts, not a bachelor of music. so my BA program, while definitely music-forward (especially in my junior and senior years), was not quite as intense music wise as as a BM; i wasn't required to take private instrument lessons after three years, i wasn't required to do a junior or senior recital, i wasn't required to play in a major ensemble for all four years. (some of these things i did anyway for various other reasons, but they weren't required to graduate.) and i had more liberal arts (non-music) gen ed requirements to fulfill.

one other thing i'll mention is that even within the BA music program there were different concentrations/tracks. i was actually no emphasis/general, while i think every other BA music student in my year was performance emphasis. so me doing the general/no emphasis concentration within BA music changed some of my requirements as well (the performance emphasis track i think required that senior recital as well as some extra ear training classes i skipped). in hindsight if i could go back and change anything about my undergrad degree, i would go back and do BA music with a music history and literature emphasis, and/or pick up a music theory minor, but neither of these options were made known to me until it was too late to fulfill the requirements before graduation. so it goes. (i'm not even totally sure if these programs still exist given the current state of my university's music school but i digress.)

anyway, i went into undergrad not knowing what i wanted to do, even if i wanted to stick with music as a degree in the first place, and i came out the other end enrolled in grad school for musicology. i'll say that it took me until like. junior year to have a clue what musicology as a graduate program is, and it wasn't until my senior year that i actually realized it's what i wanted to pursue (and that there are ways to apply a background in musicology without necessarily becoming a full time researcher or professor, which is not my goal). i'm actually not just studying musicology right now, i'm in a dual degree program for musicology and library science, on paper i'm studying music librarianship but in effect i'm doing a lot more than just that. the musicology stuff is what i'm especially passionate about (especially history and public musicology) but the library science stuff brings with it a lot of practical skills that i think will be useful once i'm done with this whole school thing. plus my dual degree program doesn't require a thesis, so, win.

since i'm only halfway through my first semester of what will most likely be a three year program, it's hard to say so far anything actionable about musicology as a grad program. for one thing my school is kind of....struggling, in a lot of ways, and musicology as a graduate program area is actually shut down now; music history and theory courses will still exist, of course, because students in other programs still need to take them too, but there will be no more musicology masters or phd students after me, which is more than a bit of a bummer, tbh. and we were a small program in a small school to begin with. at any rate, i've been enjoying my musicology classes so far, with the exception of my analytical techniques class which is the most mind numbingly boring weekly three hour lecture i've ever had to suffer through (why does it take ninety whole minutes to explain what an imitation mass is?? come on). but course offerings and program requirements vary from school to school.

now i don't have a clue what your options or limitations are when it comes to picking a college. i had my own list and i ended up pretty happy with my choice in the end, but no doubt we have different lists. knowing that, i guess if i had to give you some actionable advice, it'd be this:

it's okay to go in undecided and pick a major later, or to start with one major and change it. undergrad is the time for you to figure out what you want to do with your life and career, and you find that out by trying stuff out.

so i suppose my next point of advice is "try stuff out." even if it seems wacky. i did one semester of composition lessons. taught me that i am Not a composer, lol. but if something seems interesting and the opportunity is there, i recommend taking it. by senior year i'd figured out that i loved music history but i'd already completed all the undergrad course offerings in the subject, so they let me into one of the grad classes. in the end that actually helped me get accepted into my master's program now.

don't limit your search for schools that have a major specifically in "music history" or "musicology," especially in undergrad. maybe a couple of schools will have one, but that's pretty specific for a bachelor's degree. but while every school is different in how they structure their degree programs, i'm willing to bet a lot of them offer a similar emphasis/concentration system like mine did, and/or minors. poke around on the websites of schools that interest you, or contact someone in the department who works there via email (there's almost always a contact listed for the department heads and/or dean of enrollment), try to see if any of them have concentrations in what you're interested in if not a highly specific major.

but also, if this is what you really want to study and there are truly no schools that offer programs that you like nearby, you may have to consider the possibility of expanding your search radius. i got lucky with the fact that the school i liked best was close to home, which was important to me. but there are schools with programs that are just as good if not better halfway across the country (and i did consider them when it came time for grad school). basically, start with a large list of potential options first, you can narrow them down later as you go along with the process of college searching. it's a big decision, so you should take your time with it.

if you're not totally set on doing four years of performance, i don't recommend trying to do that as a means to an end. that path leads quickly to burnout if you aren't careful. even if "BM [instrument] performance" sounds more prestigious on paper than "BA music", in the end it doesn't actually make much of a difference. if you decide halfway through undergrad you want to switch to performance, you can, talk to your advisor about it. if you decide after graduating you want to focus on performance, you can do a DMA program somewhere for grad school. hell, there's no shame even in starting out as BM performance and then switching to BA music or something completely different later. keep your options open, but i don't recommend trying to pigeonhole yourself just yet, especially with something that's just a "means to an end." for me, the bottom line with playing music is that i enjoy doing it, and while getting play alongside or as a portion of my education was important to me, if it was the only thing i would've quit years ago, which is not a thought i like to think about.

[formula-nyoom]

Grid Graduation

Platonic!Grid x Fem!Reader

Summary: Being a racecar driver and actively pursuing a higher education is a feat in and of itself. You didn't let your career get in the way of going to college. But when racing seems to prevent you from attending your graduation ceremony, your fellow drivers decide to take matters into their own hands

A/N: Congratulations to all the people that are graduating this month or next month! I hope you guys have amazing celebrations. And to my fellow college students who still have a year or years left to go, we’re going to get through it, even if it seems like hell. I know that the color of the graduation gowns can vary by college or are usually black but I went with dark blue because that was the color of my gown when I got my associates degree. 

~~~

Some people would say it's stupid to try and get a bachelor’s degree while being a race car driver. 

“You already have a career. Why would you spend all your free time off track pursuing something you don’t really need?” is the question that was constantly asked to you during interviews. Your answer: because it was important to you. It’s common knowledge that karting and racing takes up most of a driver’s life. And while most drivers are able to pursue basic schooling and education during their karting days and early single seater days, once a driver makes it higher up the racing ladder, pursuing an education becomes second to trying to be the best race car driver on track. 

You on the other hand felt that your pursuit of racing should not get in the way of your education. And thankfully with the ability to take online classes, you didn’t have that worry. 

“You’ve refreshed that page five times in the last 30 seconds.” Alex said as you two sat in the drivers lounge. It was media day so thankfully neither of you had to worry about racing and instead your worry was focused on something else.

 “Can you blame me? I’m supposed to get sent an email that tells me whether or not I graduate today and I’m dying to know.” You said, refreshing the page again. You had finally completed all the required courses you needed to graduate and get your bachelors degree. Now you were just waiting for the confirmation that all the hard work, all the study sessions you had done between and after races, and all the all nighters was worth it. 

 “Have you gotten the email yet?” You looked up from your laptop to see Logan approaching with Oscar behind him. You refreshed the page again.

 “Nope. Still nothing.” You let out a frustrated sigh. All the other drivers knew about your pursuit of a college education while also being a race car driver. They had been nothing but supportive in your efforts and could tell how worried you were about having to wait for your college’s final decision on you graduating.

 “The email will come eventually. Staring at the screen isn’t going to help.” Oscar said. 

“I suppose you’re right.” You said, refreshing the page again. You were about to close your laptop, putting the matter temporarily to rest, when the page loaded and showed you had a new email. It was from your college.

 “It’s here!” You exclaimed. You were about to open the email when you paused your finger over the mouse pad.

“I don’t think I can open this. What if they deny me? Or what if this email tells me that I still have some courses that I need to pass to graduate?” You started nervously chewing on your bottom lip as worst case scenarios started to run through your head. Logan placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder

 “(Y/N), you’ve been working your ass off the past couple years to get this degree. They’d be stupid to not let you graduate.” Logan said. 

 “I can read the email for you first if you want.” Alex offered. That seemed to calm your nerves. You handed Alex the laptop and waited with bated breath as he opened the email. Anticipation started to build as it seemed to take forever for Alex to read the first line of the email

“Congratulations (Y/N) (L/N), you have met the requirements to graduate!” Alex exclaimed.

 “Really?” You grabbed the laptop and read the first line of the email that did indeed confirm that you were graduating. Logan and Oscar started to shake your shoulders in excitement as you started to laugh from happiness.

 “I’m graduating!” You exclaimed. Logan, Alex and Oscar let out cheers of excitement as you read the first lines of the email again.

“What’s with the excitement?” Charles asked as he and Max entered the driver’s lounge.

 “(Y/N) got the confirmation that she’s graduating college.” Alex said.

“Congratulations!”Max said. He ruffled your hair while Charles gave you a hug. You were practically beaming with happiness as you started to read the email out loud. 

“Congratulations (Y/N) (L/N), you have met the requirements to graduate! We commend you for this amazing accomplishment and we’d like you to attend the graduation ceremony on….June 7th.” Your voice trailed off after reading the date and your smile slowly started to drop.

 “Are you gonna go?” Oscar asked. You shook your head.

“I can’t. We’ll all be in Canada for Free Practice.” You said. It was true. Your college’s graduation ceremony was the same week of the Canadian Grand Prix.

 “Do you think your team will let you go?” Alex asked. “I mean, you’ve done Canada multiple times and you’ll do it again. But you only really graduate college once, especially considering you're a race car driver.”

 “I don’t think (Y/N)’s team will let her go. Free Practice isn’t something you can really miss.” Max said. He was right. Attending a graduation ceremony seemed like a trivial matter compared to your career. 

 “But (Y/N)’s worked so hard for this. Surely her team will understand.” Logan said.

“No, it’s…it’s ok if I miss the graduation ceremony. I’ve been given confirmation that I’m graduating and will get my diploma in the mail later this year. That’s enough for me.” You told them. But that wasn’t really true. You would have liked to attend the ceremony. If not for just the celebration but also for the sense of normalcy away from the racetrack and responsibilities of being a Formula One driver. 

 “Well we can still celebrate right? Maybe get all the drivers together for a dinner?” Charles suggested. You smiled a bit.

 “Yea Charles. A dinner would be nice. This is still a cause for a celebration. Even if I can’t go to the official one.”

Dinner with the other drivers was a nice celebration. It helped you forget about not being able to attend the graduation ceremony for a while. But the week of the Canadian Grand Prix seemed to bring up that fact again. It seemed the media wanted to remind you too.

 “Well, before we start taking questions, I’d like to say congratulations to you, (Y/N). It was recently let known that you’ve graduated college and now have a bachelor's degree.” The media commentator for the drivers press conference said to you as you sat on a couch next to George, Lando, Lewis, and Zhou. 

“Thank you. If I didn't have to be here in Canada, I'd actually be attending the graduation ceremony, which is happening tomorrow. But racing takes priority.” You smiled to hide some of your disappointment, but the other drivers seemed to notice.

 “I’m sure you and your family are proud of all your efforts. Maybe some of the drivers too?” The interviewer said, motioning to the drivers next to you.

“I’m insanely proud of (Y/N) for what she’s accomplished. She’s shown that racing shouldn’t get in the way of pursuing an education.” Lewis said.

 “I will say, (Y/N) has worked harder than anyone else on the grid.” Zhou said. 

“She won’t admit it herself though.” George said, nudging your side. You shook your head.

“In terms of something like this, even if I can’t attend a graduation ceremony, I’m proud of all the work I’ve done.” You said.

 “Well, I hope you celebrate or have already celebrated what is an immense accomplishment.” The interviewer said.

 “Me and the other drivers on the grid actually went out to dinner to celebrate the day I found out I was graduating to make up for the fact that I can’t attend the ceremony. It was a really nice dinner and I’m glad I have friends to celebrate my accomplishments with.” You smiled at your friends sitting next to you. They smiled back, but for a different reason. 

Despite your efforts to hide your disappointment, your fellow drivers could tell how upset you were about not being able to attend your graduation ceremony. And while the dinner was indeed nice, they wanted you to have a proper celebration for such an immense accomplishment.

That’s how George and Lando ended up knocking on your driver’s room door after interviews and media responsibilities were done for the day.

 “Hey guys. What’s up?” You asked as you opened the door for them.

“Put this on.” Lando handed you a bag with what you assumed had to contain clothing.

 “Why? What is it that you have handed me?” You gave him a skeptical look.

“Open the bag and find out.” Lando said. You did as he instructed and pulled out something made of dark blue fabric. At first you thought it was a dress, but unfurling it revealed to be a graduation gown. You tried not to frown. The only need for something like this would be for graduation photos, which you had already taken. But Lando and George were insistent and you decided to amuse their idea for now and put it on.

“Now what? You want me to get into a race car and drive around the track in a graduation gown?” George and Lando just laughed.

 “I don’t think the FIA will allow that. At least not in just the gown.” Lando said.

“Of course you can’t have the gown without the cap.”  George handed you a graduation cap with a tassel in your team color. The cap was decorated with a little race car on top that had a diploma trailing behind it. 

 “What’s…what’s all this for?” You asked, while putting the cap on. You don’t know why you decided to put the cap on, but did so anyway.

“It’s for your graduation ceremony of course.” Lando said. You frowned.

 “There’s no way I can attend that ceremony.” You said.

“We’re not talking about your college’s graduation ceremony. We’re talking about the one that’s happening right now.” George said. “Come on.”

George and Lando ushered you out of your driver’s room and started to lead you somewhere. You still looked at them with confusion. 

 “We already celebrated during that dinner.”

“But it wasn’t a proper ceremony.” Lando said, leading you towards the track entrance. By now, you were starting to suspect what George and Lando were up to. It wasn’t confirmed until they led you to the start line.

“You guys did not….” Rows and rows of chairs were set up on the track with a makeshift aisle in the middle. Each chair was filled with one of your fellow drivers or members of your team. Tears started to well up in your eyes at the realization of what was happening. 

 “We wanted you to have a proper graduation ceremony.” Lando said, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you into a side hug. Now you were trying really hard not to cry.

 “C’mon. Everyone’s waiting for you.” George said. He and Lando walked you past all chairs, the drivers and team members applauding you as you walked past. 

Lewis and Fernando were standing at what was designated the stage and greeted you with a hug and a whispered “congratulations” as you approached. 

 “Shall we get started then?” Lewis, who had been designated the commencement speaker, said to get everyone’s attention. Everyone quieted down and took a seat

“We are gathered here to recognize the immense accomplishments of (Y/N) (L/N) in her pursuit of a higher education in the form of a bachelor's degree. Not only has she strived for what many have wanted to achieve, but did so while also managing the life of a Formula One driver. That is something not many can do.” Lewis said.

 “I now ask for Fernando to present the graduate with their diploma.” Fernando walked over to you and handed you a piece of paper, then the two of you shook hands as formality of a traditional graduation ceremony while George quickly snapped a photo. You looked at the “diploma” that was handed to you and couldn’t help but let out a laugh. It was a diploma template that you could find on the internet that included your name and the name of your college. Though the official seal had your team logo on it. 

“I now ask the graduate of 2024, to move your tassel from right to left and signify your newfound graduation status.” Lewis said. By now, it was getting really hard to try and keep the tears in as you moved the tassel from right to left. Lewis smiled.

 “It is my pleasure to present (Y/N) (L/N) as the grid’s graduating class of 2024.” Everyone stood up and applauded you. At this point you couldn’t keep the tears in any longer and started to cry but also cheer. Lewis pulled you into a hug, followed by Fernando, then Lando and George and it got to the point of just being a big group hug full of drivers.

 “Go on, toss the cap!” Logan exclaimed once the group hug broke away. Chants of “Toss it! Toss it!” started to echo till you took the graduation cap off and tossed it into the air, signifying that all that hard work was worth it.

[getosbigballsack]

Random thought!

But just imagine 35 years old CEO Gojo Satoru falling in love with the young woman whom he hired to be his surrogate.

Desperate at this point to fulfill his role as CEO and the heir of his family clan, he knew he had no other choice but to find someone who would be willing to give birth to his child.

He thought his ex-wife was the one. After all, she was pregnant when they were still together. When the due date came around and Satoru heard that she gave birth to a healthy baby boy, he was over the moon until he saw the baby for himself.

He knew that that wasn't his baby. Blonde hair and green eyes? No one in his family had blonde hair and green eyes. So he asked for a DNA test. His ex-wife refused at first, but then she gave in, and when the test came back, the baby was 99.99%, not his child.

He was broken. He served her divorce papers the following day, and after everything he had done for her, this is how she chose to repay him. As if cheating wasn't enough, she had to get pregnant and gave birth to another man’s child.

So now here he is sitting in a cafe waiting for the surrogate.

...

You didn't have much of a choice. 26 years of age and still struggling to get your bachelor's degree just so that you could live a comfortable life and be financially stable.

But with the way things are right now, you knew that it was an impossible task to complete your final year. You could hardly manage to pay your school fee. You kept on getting rejection letters from student loans, and let's face it, you barely had time to study to even try to get a scholarship.

So now you're stuck looking for a quick and easy way to make money. You had little options, and prostitution just so happened to be one of them. And you almost turned to it, that's until you heard that a "rich" CEO was looking for a woman who was willing to give birth to his heir.

So now that's how you ended up in the situation to you're in currently. Nervously playing with your fingers as sat across from no other than Gojo Satoru.

"Your name is Y/N?"

"Yes, and you're Mr. Gojo Satoru."

He shook his head yes while taking a sip of his coffee. "I hope you don't mind meeting like this. I thought it would be better to meet in a more casual setting instead of my office. I don't want to intimidate you."

"That's fine, Mr. Gojo."

"Before we get started, are you sure you want to do this? I want you to be absolutely sure because once you sign the contract, there is no backing out of it."

You shook your head yes before responding, "it's something that I've thought about deeply, Mr. Gojo, and after reading through the contract a few times, I came to the conclusion that I would rather have a baby for a stranger who is willing pay to me more than what my school fee is worth than go and become a prostitute."

He was shocked by your words but said nothing of it. It wasn't his place to say anything or have any comment about your personal life.

"Well then, I guess we can go ahead and meet with our lawyers and sign the contract."

"Lawyers? I thought... I can't afford a lawyer right now," you said to him.

He chuckled, "I figured that that would be the case. No worries, I had already hired a lawyer for you."

"You did?" You asked. Just then, the door to the cafe burst opened, and in came a man and a woman dressed in suits.

"Ah, there they are. Right on time."

Gojo stood up and greeted the lawyers before he introduced you to them. The man, Mr. Nanami Kento is his lawyer, and the woman Tetsu Akari is your lawyer. First impression she has a kind and calm aura around her.

But let's move down the line.

You four all sat and discussed what was on the contract, and before you signed it, Gojo asked, "Is there anything that you need to clarify before signing the contract."

"Yes, uhm, it's about the procedure. Are we going to uhm... have... uhm intercourse to conceive the baby?"

"We could since it's the safe way to go about this, but no," he answered with a small smile on his face.

"Ok then, where do I sign."

This is the beginning of how Gojo Satoru fell in love with the woman he hired to be his surrogate.

[simplyzeeka]

Episode 2. Season 1

Lingering

But I'ma be someone to know soon

Come fuck with me

I aint got no plans for the weekend

Don't know what you was thinking.

Warnings: MDNI! Sweaty Terry in a wife beater, subtle flirting.

Summary: Where Syrae and Terry meet two times too many and sparks seem to fly yet again.

Author's note: everything in italics is a flashback.

Were degrees worth it? A single piece of paper, that only showed that you were eligible to work in a certain field. It didn't guarantee that you would even find work. Syrae often wondered all of this when it was time to open a book and study for her damned Dental Science degree.

With an assignment yet to be submitted, she had to grab her laptop and use her favourite cafés Wi-Fi, since the Wi-Fi in her ran down building was down every other week. Unfortunately for her (and her bank account), that meant she also had to constantly buy something to stay in the café. “Just a coffee will do, thanks.” She said to the waitress with a kind smile before turning back to her laptop.

She was stuck, tired and honestly so over life in general. Having to constantly click in and out of tabs to search for textbooks she couldn't afford was beginning to seem tedious, and she wished she would've gone to the local library instead, but something about the dust there always had her feeling a little itchy. As if her place was any better.

“Fuck me.” She groans lowly, taking off the glasses on her face and placing them on the table. She quickly saved her work and shut her laptop. Clearly she was not going to be the most productive.

Not only was she completely over this degree, she was exhausted from having to now work weekdays at the club. Syrae was falling a bit behind on rent, and that meant having to pick up shifts at the bar. “Thank you very much.” She said to the waitress as they placed her cup on the table.“You're welcome, ma’am. By the way, your check has already been settled by that man over there.”

With a frown, Syrae looks over to where the woman pointed. A tall man, piercing, green eyes and an intimidating aura despite the closed smile on his face. A tall man she has worked overnight trying to get out of her head, especially considering his situation.

“Your fiancé know you here?” A question slips past the sly smile she had on her lips. He chuckles, gaze unmoving, needing to commit her beauty to memory.

“It's my bachelor party, pretty sure she doin’ the same thing as me.” A shrug, he wasn't worried, pretty confident he would maintain his fidelity. “Hmm, a shame really.” her voice echoes, flying like pretty little monarchs into his ear and straight to his stomach.

“And why's that?” Curious, he needed to know, even if it would kill him. “Cause I could've given the greatest dance in your life.” because even if it did, satisfaction would most definitely bring him back. “You still can.” A nonchalant shrug, a mistake more than anything… because once lines blurred, it was hard to draw them again.

“Put it on me, baby.” And who would deny him with eyes like that? Syrae wouldn't, and Indigo? Indigo wouldn't dare to.

She knew she shouldn't entertain this in the slightest. The man was fine… too fine for her own good, but not only that- he was engaged… Well married by now and that was a no-no zone.

So Syrae only smiles, mouths a curt ‘thank you’ before she opened her laptop, trying to look like she was occupied.

Her attempts fail, because Terry frowned at the interaction. Clearly not satisfied, he walked over to her secluded table in meticulous steps, not wanting to seem too forthcoming and eager.

“Uh, hey? Hey, I'm sorry. I figured the message may seem malicious, and that's not the-”

Oh but Syrae was already on his ass, interrupting with a sigh and an unbothered look. “Look, I don't know what you thought this was. But that night was work. I'm not some piece of hot ass you could use to cheat on your wife. I might be a…dancer, but that don't mean I'm unethical.”

Terry placed his coffee on the table and raised his hands in surrender, before looking around then back at her. “Woah woah, that wasn't my intention. I wanted to apologise… for anyway I might have acted that night, actually. I had a bit much to drink, and I don't hold my liquor well.” He explains with a small frown.

Syrae's shoulders relax a bit, he seemed genuine for the most part. “Hmm, you were quite bold.” She jokes with a small smile. “I'm sorry, I just get a lot of thirsty husbands asking shit like that, and-”

It's Terry's turn to interrupt, a short laugh. Too short for Syrae's liking because the rumble was a smooth honey that had little dragonflies fluttering in her stomach. “Nah, you good. I get it. I'm not like that.”

“Of course you not…” Syrae whispered, loud enough for him to hear as they inspected each other with gentle smiles. It took a while for Syrae to notice that their eyes lingered a second too long, so she cleared her throat, pursing her lips as she straightened her posture.

Terry broke his eyes from hers, retrieving his coffee from the table before bidding his goodbyes. “Well, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day, Indigo.”

Syrae internally cringed at the use of her stripper name outside of work, but mustered up a smile anyway. “You too. Thanks…again.” Everything about this was so awkward, she was glad when he simply nodded his head and turned to walk out the café so that she could finally release the breath she was holding.

Until a brown object caught her eyes on the floor. She squints and notices that the plain, brown woven leather just so happened to be his wallet. With determined haste, she stood and ran out the café, eyes scanning the sidewalk only to see nobody.

“Damn. Long ass legs.” She did what any other person would. Opened his wallet in hopes of a number, and luckily for her, she saw a business card with a number on it. Mike's Auto Masters. Below were a few numbers on how to contact the owner, followed under a name. Terry Richmond.

“Welp, looks like we gotta catch him again. God, why are all the fine ones taken.” She whispered before walking back into the café to finish her coffee and retrieve her belongings.

“Can't believe that you, Syrae Belles, is bout to break a rule.” Broisa, a fellow friend of Syrae comments as she lays stomach down on the couch.

Syrae rolled her eyes, a sigh resonated deep in chest. “I'm not breakin’ a rule girl.” She stated, “where else I'm ‘sposed to give this man his wallet?”

Broisa was annoying and noisy, Syrae couldn't believe their friendship survived as long as it did. Broisa was a beautiful dark-skinned woman. Working as a bottle girl at the same club Syrae worked in since she claimed pole dancing was too much of a work out for her.

“At the club? Where he met you?” the sassy woman replies as if the answer was that obvious. “You the one who made this whole rule bout not meeting your clients outside of he club, now here you are… breaking it.”

“I wouldn't say he's my client, Broisa. I only danced for him once.” Syrae defended with a sigh as she popped a chip in her mouth. “Yeah, one dance too many. Now he payin’ for your orders in cafés and shit.”

Syrae regretted telling Broisa about Terry. All she needed was one story to spiral everything into some hot fantasy where Syrae and Terry have an affair, despite her screaming men are trash, specifically for that reason alone.

“Broisa, please. I'm just meetin’ him at his shop tomorrow morning and giving the man back his wallet. Besides, ‘member when I told you he's married.” She emphasised the last word with a raised brow.

“How sure are you that he went through with the wedding?” Broisa throws back, “What if he told his wife he cheated and she left him at the al-”

“Woah now girl, cheat? I barely danced on that pole for an hour.” She laughs worriedly, Syrae doesn't condone cheating. Otherwise she wouldn't have shut himself down so quickly at the café. “Besides, he said that his wife went to a strip club herself.”

Broisa hums in apprehension, she has never really understood going to strip clubs for bachelor and bachelorette parties. Hell, she never understood those parties in general. Like hell will her man ever go to a strip club to celebrate his ‘last day single.’ She would turn that into his last day living.

“Anywho, where you go yesterday?” Syrae deflected with a question, “Had me blowing up your phone like I wanted your help burying a body.”

Broisa perked up at the question with a smile. “Tuh, girl! Tell me why Gage popped up on me?”

And just like that, the girls fell into a different conversation.

Syrae couldn't help but hum at the vast space of the auto repair shop. Clearly this Mike guy just recently built this shop from the ground up, everything was so pristine.

Syrae managed to call the number on the car and actually reached Terry himself, so they could arrange a time to meet a little after she found the wallet.

Back at her dusty apartment, Syrae can't help but to light some candles to help soothe her growing anxiety. Something about talking to this random stranger on the phone had her a little too nervous for a plausible explanation.

Still, she dialled the number and then listened to the phone ring as she eyed the flame on the herbal candle. When he heard the baritone of his voice she damn near slid off the couch. “Hey! Hey… uh. Hi, sorry.”

Embarrassing, that was embarrassing. The earth could open up and swallow her whole. If she still smoked weed, she would need fifteen blunts after this phone call. Syrae urged herself to get herself together in her head, needing so desperately to hold onto some sanity and clarity.

“Hey. I'm sorry, who am I talkin’ to?” And fuck did he have to sound so good? The way the phone amplified his voice made him sound finer than he usually does, despite Syrae only having heard his voice twice.

“Oh sorry, it's the girl from the café. I-Indigo? I got the wallet you dropped with me.” She explains, “Got your number on your business card.”

Terry sighs, seemingly in relief as Syrae interprets. “Fuck. Thank you so much, I was stressed out ‘bout that.” He laughed into the line, and Syrae clenched her thighs at the sound. “It's no problem, where would you like to meet to get it?” She asked immediately, needing to get off this damn phone.

There was silence in the line, “What bout tomorrow? I got an early mornin’ at work. You could pass by the shop and drop it off. That good?” He clarifies.

Stupidly, Syrae nodded her head as if he could see her. But she caught herself quickly and cleared her throat. “Uh, yeah. That sound good. See you tomorrow then.”

The inside of the shop was quiet, but Syrae heard the faint sound of soft rock playing at the back. That was probably the garage where all the magic happened. Syrae looked around while walking towards the reception desk. “Mornin’, I’m looking for Terry? Terry Richmond. Here to drop off a package.”

Despite her kindness, Syrae noticed the condescending look the woman behind the desk gave her. “I’m sorry ma’am, he went out.” Syrae frowned at the snide smile on the woman’s face. Syrae couldn't help but laugh sarcastically. “Well in that case… Miranda.” She drags after looking at her nametag, “Could you tell him to come back from wherever he is and honour our appoi-”

“Oh, you’re here already? Is everythin’ alright?” Terry graced the women with his presence. Dressed in a loose wife beater that was tucked underneath blue overalls in which he used the arms to tie around his waist. Rippled arms exposed while he wiped oil from his hands with a cloth.

Syrae quickly averted her gaze from his sweaty build and turned to the receptionist. “Yeah, just peaches and cream. Miranda here was just assurin’ security.” being the petty woman she is, Syrae scrunched her nose at the woman for extra measure.

Terry scratched his neck, noticing the obvious tension. Women, he thought, something always had to be a problem. “O-kay. Let’s go to the workshop. Thanks Randa.”

Syrae suddenly frowned at him, because there was no need for them to go in the workshop, she could have just given him the wallet and went on with her day. She did not vocalise her thoughts however, simply followed his lead.

The workshop smelled like a cacophony of strong smells that had her nostrils burning. The faint scent of Terry’s cologne seemed to soothe the burn. It was messy, tools everywhere and car parts. A number of men carried tyres and tools around as loud machines whirring had her feeling a little overstimulated.

The lingering stares from men made her regret her choice of wearing a skirt, and following Terry back here. Why did she follow him back here again?

Thankfully, the man led them into a secluded room, which seemed to absorb all the noise. His office. “Sorry bout the noise, figured here would be better.”

Syrae looked around the office. It was neat, had her jealous about his consistency to keep his space clean. Her room was always a hotspot for clean clothes on the floor with the way she raided her own closet everyday trying to find an outfit. “Yeah,much better.” she responded nervously, because nothing about being alone with this man was better.

“Oh, your wallet.” she said as she dug into her bag and handed him the leather accessory. “Right, thank you. A lot. I was ramming my head ‘bout it.” he laughed and Syrae reciprocated the gesture.

“You should be. Why you put everything in there? The poor thang can barely close.”

Terry let out a shoulder-shaking laugh, one that had Syrae wondering about how he liked his breakfast in the morning, or whether he preferred movies or reading, morning or night. Out of the two times she’s met him, she’s never seen him smile with all his teeth out like he was now. “Oh so you were snooping?” he asked with one thick eyebrow raised.

Syrae rolled her eyes playfully, “How else was I ‘sposed to find your number, which you have quite a lot, sir. You deal with pharmaceuticals or somethin’?” she eyed the man as he leaned on the desk with his arms crossed over his chest,only further flexing his deliciously muscular arms.

“Now what if I was and you askin’ that so boldly.” He laughed and shook his head. “But nah, I don’t.”

Their eyes lingered a few seconds too long, which Syrae broke her eyes from his. “Oh, I bought you some coffee, just to say thank you… for the other day.” she reached her hand towards him with a short smile. “Ain’t know what you like, so I just went with black with two sugars.”

Terry accepted the coffee with a quiet murmur of gratitude, hummed in gratitude at the taste. The coffee was more or less how he took it. “You did good, how you figured I would like it black though.”

“Well, you seem a little… practical and straight-forward. Someone who appreciates the simpler things in life. And you also look a little broody.”

Terry shook his head, taking no offence to her last comment. He often got people telling him that. Even his wife. “Hmm, and what about you?” he probably should not be flirting, he definitely shouldn't be. But just a little banter wouldn't hurt, and Syrae seemed to have a lot of it, it was refreshing.

“What about me?” and she shouldn't be entertaining any of this, but the way Terry was staring her down with those damn eyes. He was reeling her in, hook, line and sinker.

“Are you simple?” The question was, well… simple. But Syrae began overthinking it. The depth of it had her thinking over her entire life. “Hmm, I believe I’m a little more complex than that.” It was a joke, just something to keep the conversation going, although it should be put to an end, because Syrae failed to realise that Terry had long removed himself from the desk. Probably when she was handing him the coffee, his scent tickled her nose forcibly. Old wood and cocoa butter.

“How complex?” It was a leading question, an eager one too. One that had her slowly blinking to think it over, that had her biting down on her bottom lip. Her heart thumped a little faster, because damn Terry’s eyes were so beautiful. He had no reason being as beautiful as he was, had no reason to send waves of heat to her stomach that made the dragonflies grow tenfold. The fluttering caused a slight feel of nausea in her stomach.

Still, despite being so nervous, she smiled. “You tryna find out?”

Fuck, why did Syrae follow him back here again?

[aestherians]

Change and Loss

Word count: 1362

Expected reading time: 10-11 minutes

"If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you," is what I used to say - more as a reassurance than a statement of fact. I mean, how could I know for a fact that it was true? I didn't have any experience with losing a kintype. I still don't think I do; not really. And I always saw the idea repeated in the community - one time otherkind, always otherkind.

But I don't believe that's true anymore. I'm still a bison for sure. I've never doubted that. I'm still Ɐwhrayɐ the gnoll and I'm still Ben the shapeshifter… but I'm beginning to accept that those sides of me have changed.

"One time otherkin, always otherkin. If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you"… but what if that's not true? What if you still benefit from your kintypes, and they disappear regardless? What do you do if you lose a part of yourself, or if a part of yourself becomes unrecognizable to you? How do you keep living when you've lost yourself?

Sometime in 2023 the distress of always having to hide my true self became too much to bear alone. But I'm not a brave person. I think the better solution would've been to just bite the bullet and start expressing myself, but hindsight is 20/20. I've survived 25 years by hiding everything that makes me 'weird', and the idea of leaving my one dependable survival strategy behind was (is) terrifying. I went to a free self-help seminar ("Take control of your life!") but all it taught me is that I need a dependable support network before I can take control of my life. I went to my doctor to try and get a referral for a therapist (it's cheaper than just finding your own therapist). Instead he sent me to a psychiatrist for my 'delusions'. The psychiatrist told me my experiences, worldview, and self-perception were unusual but not harmful - they could only help if my goal was to get rid of my schizotypal traits (traits that weren't even significant enough to warrant a diagnosis). If all I wanted was to learn how to conquer my fears and express my true self, they couldn't help. It took months of visits to get the diagnosis: Traumatized by peer abuse, too poor to afford my own therapy, and too anxious and ADHD to even find a therapist in the first place.

I can't even say I was left at square one. I had started out hopeful. Nearing the end of 2023, I just felt helpless.

At the same time, my studies were drawing to a close. I completed my bachelor's degree in animal science and all it took was a diagnosis of ADHD so I could legally buy amphetamines, a compound-diagnosis of autism so I wouldn't get kicked out when I inevitably misunderstood exam questions and failed final after final, and 5½ years - almost twice the expected time for a bachelor's degree in my country.

It should've been freeing but instead it left me directionless. Helpless and directionless - that's how I entered 2024!

In the past, in the strictly structured day-to-day of school, my kintypes have been a source of comfort. Especially my Ben fictotype, which probably fell into the category of coping mechanism. I awakened in a time of intense stress and retreated to that world whenever my present life got too much. When crowds got me overstimulated or I missed an important deadline or fought with my neighbors or drifted apart from old friends, I thought about all the times Ben!me had gone through similar or worse. I cut off a friend in my present life after finding out he'd abused his ex - but in my other life I'd cut off a friend who tried to murder me, and things still turned out fine. I lived through it. I could live through it again. Every situation had a parallel in my other life.

I still don't know why that method failed me, but eventually it did. It's not that it didn't work, it was more that I suddenly had to put an effort into making it work. As if I'd always been able to enter Narnia and now suddenly I had to personally petition Aslan to let me back in. It started in the fall of 2023 but it wasn't until spring 2024 that I fully realized. Coping had never been an effort before, and the worst part is, I don't even know why it suddenly was.

My fictotype was drifting away, even when it still served me! This wasn't supposed to happen! Had I been lied to?!

I think our community has a lot of survivorship bias. Whichever mailing lists and newsgroups get archived, and whatever snailmail gets published, that's what our history is based on. The people who made archivable geocities sites get to write our story - not the people on closed forums or in private chat groups. People who leave the community don't tend to leave behind pristine essays on their fully archived websites explaining why they left. It does happen, don't get me wrong, but it's rare. And when they do leave behind messages, it's usually some variant of "I still love the community that fostered my awakening, I'm just an adult with responsibilities now and I don't have time for this."

But what about the people who don't love the community? Who 'unawakened'? Who aren't passionate enough to leave behind a final message? Do we ever hear from the otherkind who 'fizzled out' and became human - or at least lost a kintype?

You can understand my panic, right? I considered turning my fictotype into a copinglink, but my ADHD is so debilitating I barely remember to brush my teeth - no way I was gonna remember to do daily reinforcement exercises. Especially frazzled 2024 me (still frazzled as of June but I'm hanging in there!).

I was forced to accept whatever my come.

I'm still Ben, on some level, but I won't say "I'm thankfully still Ben," 'cause is it really that bad to not be Ben? Even if that facet had served me well and could still serve me? $1,000,000 could serve me well, but uselessly pining after it doesn't serve me.

I didn't prepare myself for loss because I really wasn't sure I was gonna lose a part of me - and, in any case, grieving preemptively is a waste of energy if you ask me. Instead a turned to the Bison - not my own bison theriotype, but the archetype of the Bison. When one woowoo solution fails, why not try another?

The Bison has always been a good teacher to me - better than any self-help seminar or psychiatrist. The Bison takes everything in stride. The Bison survives until it can thrive. The Bison ruminates on the present, it doesn't ponder the future. The Bison doesn't grieve or fret unnecessarily. It exists in the now. I exist in the now.

Of course, the chance that anyone reading this works with the Bison spirit is slim, but I think its teachings can help everyone - regardless of spirituality.

When turning to other worlds doesn't aid you, accept it, and turn to the present world. Let your worries pass through you, you can't see clearly when you're pent up with worry. You can't prevent the seasons from turning, all you can do is turn with them. Accept your lack of control, instead of trying to grasp at the uncontrollable. Sometimes change is unexpected, and you may not like it, and it might not even open up new doors for you. Not all change is good. But you cannot prevent every unwanted change, and you have to keep living regardless.

My fictionkinity doesn't have the intensity of my first few years post-awakening, but it also doesn't have the casual reassuredness of decade-old kintypes. It comes and goes, and when it comes it's like a whisper. And one day it might become too quiet for me to notice. One day it might not return.

But I think I can live with that.

[historianroo]

two years ago today i told my parents i was pursing historical musicology

(my mothers reply was "what is that" (this is /lh))

but

in honor of this anniversary

I will be sharing all of my favorite things I've either written, or memes I've made having to do with musicology. (most are related to Tchaikovsky)

I didn't actually write my thesis in one night, but i did on multiple occassions complete massive amounts of research in one sitting.

I call them the "Russian Five" because of the "Jackson Five" (They are supposed to be called the Moguchaya Kuchka)

I made this after i had a slight breakdown when I realized how many similarities there were

this last one makes me :sparkles: panic :sparkles:

Now Onto Writing

Favorite Titles for the Drafts of my thesis:

"RIP Tchaikovsky You Would Have Loved Barbie Swan Lake" "Tchaikovsky: For the Masses, Not the Classes" "(*sad fanfare noises*)"

Highlights from both Thesis' I wrote for my Bachelors.

Specifically the "translation by author" that was ME. I spent FOUR HOURS translating this letter from Russian to English to make sure that there was no censoring happening.

pls pls pls nationalism is such an interesting thing to study as a whole.

I want to include more but I won't, so instead I'll provide some screenshots from dms with me and my friends:

It was decided that I am in fact the spiders georg of getting degrees.

this is from when i was trying to come up with more joke titles

So yeah! Shoutout to two years of musicology!!!

Technically, my name should be "MusicologistRoo" now, but I will always be a historian, so that won't change.

Anyways, hope you enjoyeddd.

[rising-volteccers]

*slides over a few coins* Do you have any Friede angst

-shoves the coins into my pocket- Yeah sure I gotcha. Have this that's totally not me self projecting based on HZ018.

Series: Pokemon Horizons

Characters: Professor Friede

--

“What, you're quitting? Why? You're one of the best here!”

“Hey man, I heard you were quitting. You think that's the right call?”

“While I don't really get why you're quitting, I wish you luck for your future endeavors Friede.”

Future endeavors? To be completely honest, Friede didn't have anything lined up. He gave easy answers and pleasant smiles to anyone that asked, slipping out lies as easy as breathing. Gave replies that appeased their hidden curiosity because one of the best researchers in the company quit such a good paying job? Surely it was for something bigger and grander.

All Friede knew was that had he stayed at his job any longer, he'd break.

He didn't know when it started to become wrong. Wasn't this what he wanted to become? Friede recalled a distant memory of his younger years when life felt a lot simpler. Heading to Professor Oak’s laboratory to get his first starter, being one of many children that day who discovered the wonders of Pokemon. Listening in on the Professor’s explanation sowed the seeds that'd later bloom into a burning want to become like his childhood hero.

Friede poured his all into that dream. Regardless of how he struggled with schoolwork, in making friends and getting good grades, he never gave up. Miss Lucca and her kind encouragement further pushed him to make it a reality. He wanted to be the student that proudly told his favorite teacher of his successes.

Friede worked hard for many years, pouring blood, sweat and tears into his education. From earning his bachelor's degree all the way to a PhD, he never gave up even during his lowest lows. It would be all worth it at the end, he told himself.

And he believed it initially. When he got hired to work at a relatively large company, Friede couldn't be happier. At last he could put his knowledge into practice!

(Where did it go wrong?)

He observed Pokemon, taking note of their behavior and analyzed it.

(When did it go wrong?)

Crunched the numbers inside a lab, hunched over his desk and typing away at the computer to store data.

(How did it go wrong?)

Repeating this process with each new project. Pulling all nighters to meet deadlines.

(Why did it go wrong?)

Finding himself becoming less motivated to do research work but forced himself because it was his job. It was what he spent many years achieving.

(What went wrong?)

This was what he wanted to do right? Friede wanted to become a professor so he could learn everything there was about Pokemon? Wasn't this job giving him that opportunity? To study Pokemon and analyze all that data within a lab with its sterilized walls and cold equipment and blank excel sheets and–

(Was… was he wrong? All this time was he…)

Friede had to quit. If he stayed any longer, forced himself to do work that chipped away at his genuine passion for research, he feared losing a fundamental piece of himself to… this. Whatever this was.

(This was burnout. This was discovering that he invested years of his life into something that might not be worth it).

They held a little farewell party for him, wishing him luck over a few rounds of drinks. Friede only drank enough to not be questioned. He didn't want to get drunk, despite how appealing it is to just forget about this for even a little while. Last thing he wanted for his lips to become loose, spilling things he kept hidden.

After that, Friede just… didn't do anything. His internal body clock still kicked him awake for his usual shift, often taking a few seconds to realise that he didn't have work to go to anymore. Instead of making the most out of his day, Friede simply laid back down, staring at the ceiling until he remembered to feed Charizard.

Friede didn't consider what he wanted to do beyond achieving his goal. He thought this was what he'd be doing for the rest of his life. What a foolish notion. Couldn't even last a year before he quit.

As much as he wanted to lie in bed all day, that too got old after a week or so. Friede opted to head out for his usual grocery shop with Charizard. His partner didn't feel like flying, so they simply walked to the market. Not like he could force a Fire-type whose flames were dulled. Like Pokemon like Trainer, huh?

At least during that trip, he came across Ludlow. An unexpected friend he made during his studying years. If he wanted to get away for awhile, away from all the books and expectations and looming deadlines, Friede could go to Ludlow. They'd go out to sea from Porto Marinada to fish all day, and he'd return with a clearer head, as if the sea had cleansed away the gunk weighing him down.

Friede didn't have to say anything. Ludlow took one look at him (with his disheveled hair, unkempt close and dead eyes) before inviting him out to a fishing trip.

A part of him didn't want to. He simply wanted to return back to his apartment and stare at the ceiling, fear of an unknown future paralyzing him. But this was Ludlow, a kind man who didn't have an obligation to spend time with him yet he chose to.

Friede took him up on that offer. Getting fresh air while the pair fished all day made him feel the most alive since he quit. Ludlow continued to invite him on fishing trips, trying his best to have him be more adventurous.

He often declined, giving non committal answers that Ludlow thankfully never pushed. Why should he put effort into something that'd likely not be worth it? Once was enough.

(Deep down, Friede knew those were simply excuses. He simply feared developing a passion that'd fizzle out and die when he realised it wasn't actually for him).

This went on for weeks until one day, Friede received a call from Miss Lucca. She wanted to meet up, and he respected her enough to clean up some before they met at the Treasure Eatery. It was somewhat bittersweet to see her again; she clearly had a future to look forward to, what with her having a child to raise.

Friede kept his answers vague to the somewhat probing questions. Miss Lucca always had the uncanny ability to see him through all the layers he put up. She had something to show him tomorrow, requiring him to wake up pretty early.

He accepted considering he had nothing better to do. What Friede ended up seeing was a Pikachu. He couldn't help but feel disappointed; he knew all that was documented about the species. Why did she want him to see this one in particular?

When Friede saw this small creature soar as high as the clouds, a spark lit up in his heart. For the first time in a long while, he felt excitement.

He missed this feeling, the surge of passion thought lost. Friede grasped onto it with all his might and was rewarded to a sight that showed him there were new horizons for him to explore. He just needed to take the first step again.

Friede did it once.

He could do it again.

[gregrulzok]

Modern!AU Zeke Jager brainworms, courtesy of the really long and complex AU I made with my friends fucking, what, two years ago?

We're only talking about Zeke but suffice it to say there's a lot of other backstory I'm leaving out

• Full name is Ezekiel Jager. He will absolutely never use this name and fully pretends it doesn't exist

• Was abandoned by Grisha when he was 7 after Dina died. Grisha left him with his grandparents and disappeared 'to grieve', returning 3 years later with a new wife and son to take him back

• Zeke really resented both him and Eren for a while, but after realising what a shitty father Grisha was to both of them, he took over taking care of Eren as much as possible - doubly so after Carla died too

• While Grisha was absent, Zeke developed a close paternal bond with his teacher/baseball coach Mr. Ksaver. Ksaver passed away when Zeke was 16, and Zeke was too grief-stricken and ended up abandoning baseball, comitting instead to becoming a doctor like Grisha

• When the Jagers started fostering Mikasa, Zeke was the first to try and learn some Japanese to make sure she didn't forget the language

• This led to him studying medicine in Japan after he got his bachelor's degree. He has a very ... Interesting encounter with Levi Ackerman while staying there *cough cough* at a specific sort of club *cough cough*

• (They met at a gay club and hooked up multiple times over the years, forming a very strained and awkward sort of relationship. They definitely annoyed each-other more than they liked each-other, but they formed a sort of kinship largely through their complicated family lives)

• Eventually he returned to do his residency in his father's hospital. In truth he absolutely hates the stress and fuss of being a doctor and thinks he isn't cut out for it - but he can't bring himself to quit.

• Staunchly anti-natalist - doesn't ever want to have kids and thinks he'd make a terrible father. On top of that, doesn't want to get married - he considers it an outdated institution

• Dated Pieck briefly. They had a stable relationship, but a fairly explosive break-up - Pieck brought up moving in together, and Zeke interpreted it as a marriage proposal and shot the idea down very harshly, leading to a huge argument and eventual break-up

• Most of his joy in life comes from embarrassing and poking fun at Eren. He loves him more than anything and can't bring himself not to annoy him at every possible opportunity

• Has numerous houseplants and can't keep any of them alive for shit

• Owns and takes great pride in using a full-on beard care kit, complete with an ornately carved mahogany box to keep it in. Generally takes really good care of his appearance ... Whenever he goes out. If he doesn't go out for two days in a row he immediately transformed into an over-caffeinated anxiety-riddled sasquatch

• Despite appearances, his house is an absolute mess - every surface has coffee stains, papers are scattered everywhere, ashtrays overflowing, dishes that haven't felt the touch of a single drop of water in many a night ... He absolutely hates cleaning and will put it off by any means necessary

• Has a novelty breath-mint tin

• Too nervous and forgetful to own a pet - he's toyed around with the idea of getting some fish, but after researching the amount of care they actually need he gave up on it entirely

• Listens to a lot of podcasts about the most random topics. Additionally his entire YouTube recommended feed is full of 3+ hour video essays

• Has a lot of trouble sleeping. The temperature, light and sound levels need to be very specific. On top of that he needs to be holding something to his chest.

• Fantasy nerd. Has read lord of the rings, played DND in college (doesn't have time for that these days), still watches real play streams - WILL try to mansplain the complex topics in any given high fantasy work of fiction

• Owns a collection of weird shirts with random images and sentences on them. It started off as a gag gift from Eren that read "Women fear me, Fish want me" - now he has easily over 20+ weird shirts, which he wears around the house at any given opportunity

• Loves Monty Python

[welcometololaland]

Lola, since it is not currently Saturday for me, I will be saving most of my nice ask day asks for tomorrow...but since it IS Saturday for you, I suppose it would only make sense for me to send you one now!

We both have the law in common! I have a law degree and I am technically an attorney (though I don't actually practice law but instead work as a law clerk/research assistant for judges at a courthouse). I went to law school and passed the bar in Michigan. I have no idea what that whole process is like in Australia, but I assume it's probably at least fairly similar? What was it all like for you/what made you want to get into it? (in as general terms as you want, of course, I don't mean to pry into personal stuff!)

hey anne! wow I never knew this about you! thank you for sharing 💜 I would love to hear more about your job working in the courts, that sounds very interesting and RESEARCH? my beloved. is it case law mostly?

the process for becoming an admitted solicitor (aka. a licensed attorney) in Australia is quite different to the USA. from my understanding, the US system requires a student to complete their undergraduate degree, sit the LSAT, do their law degree as a post graduate degree and then take the bar? I know there are potentially variations to this (looking at you Kim Kardashian) but if I'm wrong about this general process please let me know!

in my state in Australia (can't speak for other states!) you can do law as either a postgraduate degree OR a 4 or 5 year undergraduate degree. I did a double undergraduate degree in law and (liberal) arts (which I like to refer to as my bachelor of laws and my bachelor of fun). after you graduate law, you have to either do a 6 month (full-time) practical legal training course OR you can do 12 months of supervised legal training in a firm. it's better to do either the supervised legal training or be working in a firm that puts you through practical legal training because the course is like 10k on top of all your student debt 😂 I was lucky enough to get a graduate job so I did the supervised legal training and then, after I finished that, I was admitted to the profession.

I never set out to be a lawyer - truthfully, my parents thought I was going to fail school because I had a very tumultuous time from ages 16-18. I got involved in some shady stuff, had very poor mental health, didn't live at home for a lot of the time, and had a bad relationship with my family. I basically crammed my entire IB course into 3 months, and somehow, i got really good marks. so my parents told me to do law, since I (surprisingly) could.

truthfully I didn't like studying law much which was a bad sign...now I'm like 6 years into working in a firm and I think it's time for me to go and do something else. the culture in private practice corporate law can be really demanding on your life and damaging to your sanity. the glorification of overworking and the expectation to put everything in your life on hold to make your billable hours is next level. my firm is pretty good, but the industry in general is quite toxic sometimes. I respect anyone that can do it long term, but I don't think that person is me. I'm very much a work-to-live person and not a live-to-work person.

I've had a bit of a crisis over the past few months, trying to work out what I want to do. I'm still not sure but I hope I'll work it out soon 😂

Thanks for the ask and sorry for the essay!

[thinkingflesh]

Some Pressing Thoughts on Academia

Sometimes I am writing or creating a project on a topic that I'm really passionate about and I think to myself, "wow, I could really write hundreds and hundreds of pages on this—should I commit and do a postgrad dissertation on it?" Then, I think about the fact that three years ago I was a bonafide acting major who didn't know that the world I thought was going to be my own would completely change course and veer off into the sphere of humanities and creative writing. Oh, and also, I applied and got accepted to a program where I could study business at the same time and receive masters credentials at the end of my degree (it just meant–and still means that I'm doing double, even triple the amount of work than anyone else...). So yeah, I'm a Sociology minor and Performance Studies minor simultaneously working towards an expedited Masters in Business Management. It never gets easier explaining that to new folks. It also doesn't get easier studying it either.

I have been catching myself more and more frequently questioning my place in my degree, and even in university. Does it really have to be this hard? Do I really want to study business, or was I just petrified for my "inevitable unemployability" from pursuing a liberal arts degree? If I was truly doing something I really loved, I'd be damn good at it and, in turn, get a job. it's just the way I am. Maybe this runs along the lines of existing as a neurodivergent person, but I really pour every ounce of my existence into the things I love. So, what if I just dropped business (I still can), stuck with my Sociology/Performance Studies Bachelors, and went to pursue a Masters in Contemporary Art Theory in London or abroad somewhere else? Wouldn't that be throwing everything away though? But then again, what is "everything"?

When I picture my "future-self"—and I mean the really cool, idealized version of yourself that everyone has of themselves—I see a girl with a curly pixie cut, sick boots and a carefully curated tattoo sleeve, sitting in her vintage art-deco pseudo-office/studio in the city, working on something creative. I don't see her stuck in an office somewhere meeting deliverables by "EOD" and eating horrible catered food at a meaningless conference that I only applied to attend because it removed me from my usual bleak surroundings. I think growing up in the arts sphere has given me a really warped, cynical view of corporate jobs. At the same time, I've had to delete social media apps like TikTok and Instagram partly because the constant stream of "corporate day in my life" shorts actually make me feel ill because of their mundanity and repetitiveness. Honestly, picturing myself in a corporate setting, idealized or not, makes me a bit ill even now.

Pursuing a cool alternative Masters degree would still put me into just as much debt as I'm getting in with my Business program, but, I don't know, I might feel less "bad" about it? Then again, yet another thing I've been telling myself is that I will never go back to academia after I graduate, at least not for a very very long time. And there is some substance to that statement. The realm of higher education is deeply raced, gendered and classed, and it prioritizes forms of knowledge production and transmission that I've been in a constant battle with for what feels like my entire time spent in university so far. My mom told me that I "have the power to change that." But do I? And if so, what extent of my capacity for change will satisfy me enough to make me feel like I'm doing something good there? There's also the problem of time management, given the fact that I'm writing this lengthy piece rather than the one I mentioned at the start. Will I really be able to deliver an 18,000 word dissertation if I can't even complete my assignments without entering a cycle of major procrastination, overwhelming panic, and anxiety-driven completion?

Anyways, I'm done pretending to be the lesbian Carrie Bradshaw, and I hope at the very least that this post reaches someone in a similar boat and makes them feel a bit less alone. Any advice, thoughts, or engagement is appreciated, but not necessary.

E

[andromedasummer]

oh you're a media student? did you study like screen/media or journalism...? idk if they fall under the same category but i think they do right? i find it so ironic tho how they'll pander to this govt, despite the fact we might not even have an nz run media industry anymore by the time this govt is finally out of office, considering the defunding and closures are still ongoing.

I graduated with a media studies major under a bachelor of arts last december! you can also do media under a bachelor of communication as well, but i changed my focus halfway through another degree i abandoned.

at first i focused in kind of like... everything? i did courses on basic media theory, advertising media, social media, journalism and informative media, television studies, radio, i did some extra basic film courses until i finally focused on media policy and regulations in my final year.

it was one of my favourite courses. we talked about nz on air and the govt funded media institutions, the commercial news media we have, the failed Commercial/Funded neolib solution to our lack of state television that labour doomed to fail and national killed in the form of the beautiful TVNZ7 (i miss her every day) and the regulatory bodies like the censor and broadcasting standards authority. we studied and wrote about the broadcasting act, the film act and the online safety act.

we even talked about The Christchurch Call and had a lecture done by the chief censor during 2019, whose responsibility it was censoring footage of the christchurch mosque shooting, and formulating the law in a watertight enough way that no one could weasel out of responsiblity or sharing it, but also get it out quickly enough to ensure arrests and charges could be made straight away.

it was regulation (how we rate movies, how we decide what is and isnt banned media ((and we very rarely ban films, books or tv media here because it all has to follow specific acts and regulations))) and specifically, the lack of regulation preventing harmful content online that fascinated me the most. the need for an international authority to prevent cases like the christchurch shooting and other extremist hate content from being spread online. because social media companies are overwhelmingly stonewalling countries that put their foot down and try to create their own national regulations.

my plan was to specifically work in media regulation and policy here in nz. but its there aren't a lot of roles. worst of all, The Christchurch Call, which was heralded internationally as the first step towards reigning in social media companies such as twitter and meta by pressuring them into multiple changes (that went on to improve but not ultimately fix extremist content esp on facebook live) was completely dissolved by nactfirst when they came onto power, with multiple media personalities like mike hosking (scumbag) telling the public that it was useless and didn't work. ironically usually while complaining about how hostile online spaces are.

adding in the thousands of public service jobs that got dissolved/removed by nactfirst, including my own 2 months ago, i just dont see myself being able to work here with all the jobs disappearing. its likely within the next 5 or so years I'll have to leave for somewhere like aus or try a country in europe, as the EU and Aus are taking a more proactive position that I want to be involved in and would suit my degree.

it sucks because my professors and all the people i met in the industry during my study are the ones begging the governments (both labour and national, because there was that massive failure of a state media merger by our last labour govt) to listen to them and other experts about what needs to be done, thats being met by silence because 1. Labour are too neoliberal to put in meaningful policies and only ever do half-measures that fall apart and are ripe to be picked apart by opponents and 2. National don't give a fuck about data, science or expert opinions and will bulldoze ahead in the name of profit.

if you ever want to learn more about media in the country (or media in general) i highly advise the following books (some are textbooks i picked up secondhand so they wouldnt cost hundreds of dollars). the BWB ones are a good place to start, they act as introductory texts to specialist subjects by experts and theyre all dedicated to issues surrounding aotearoa and māori and pacific peoples and interests and often cost around $20 brand new, $13-18 secondhand:

- Understanding Media Studies Oxford (The most expensive textbook I ever bought. Like $190. I barely used it for class but read it front to back twice. Very good introductory media book for general global media studies and cos it's an Oxford text you should be able to pirate it fairly easily)

- Technology and Social Inclusion (About Media Access and the Poverty Line)

- From Paper To Platform by Merja Myllylahti (BWB text about news democracy, platform power and subpar efforts on online media regulation by our governments)

- Shouting Zeroes and Ones: Digital Technology, Ethics and Policy in New Zealand (What it says on the tin. Another BWB book.)

- More Zeroes and Ones (Follow up to above book)

- The Broken Estate: Journalism and Democracy in A Post-Truth World by Mel Bunce (Another BWB text, exactly what it says on the tin)

- Don't Dream It's Over: Reimagining Journalism in Aotearoa New Zealand (General text about the future of journalism here with fucktons of important voices in our media circle)

Anything by Noam Chomsky is solid as well. Very solid, he's got fantastic texts on American news media and why its such a hellhole (Like how Reagan made it legal to lie to the general public on TV and no one. Ever did anything about it after he was gone. In other countries you get fined heavily for misinformation if you're a news programme.)

And then I can't find it but I know I have a textbooks on Television Studies about TV media here in Aotearoa but I cannot find it. Might have bed packed away in preference for the move, sorry!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I'm the anon who asked the question about empathy a few hours ago. Thanks for getting back to me, and with such a detailed response too. I think that it was really helpful.

I don't want to hurt anyone, especially with my beliefs - I just wanted to make that clear. A lot of people told me that I should go into therapy because I'm good at telling people what they should do in a situation, and because I can understand why people feel the way that they do. I'm already almost halfway through a Psychology bachelor's degree that I love - even if I don't end up becoming a therapist, I wouldn't regret learning more about psychology for a second.

Honestly, I mostly wanted to become a therapist for me - so that I can learn how to be more empathetic, and talk to more people so that I can learn more about them and not judge them so much, stuff like that. It's not the best motivation, and I know that. I really want to get over my beliefs - I know that they're hindering me more than anything. I think that the only way that I can get over my beliefs is to learn more about people who aren't like me. I completely understand why you don't want me to be a therapist - I've never really wanted to be a therapist either. I've been pretty terrified at the prospect of it, actually. Would you recommend something like a psychology professor, or a researcher, by any chance, or should I avoid those areas of psychology too? I'll absolutely learn more about abolition and psych abolition.

I think a lot of people say "you should be a therapist" to folks who are decent listeners/who give good advice because they have no idea of what it actually means to be a therapist. Being a therapist can for sure include those things, but honestly, I find a lot of the people who go into the field on that basis eventually realize they are in way over their heads and become pretty miserable in their work. It's a hard field to have healthy boundaries/self care in as it is, and people deserve to go into it because they know what they're asking of themselves, not just because others make blasè/uninformed comments.

If you're scared of the idea of *having* to be a therapist, I definitely think you shouldn't be. No one who fears the field is likely to do well there, even with effective skill building, which I really do want to emphasize is totally doable! It sounds like you're passionate about the subject matter, but aren't necessarily into the practicum aspects of the work, which I think is totally reasonable! Psychology is fascinating! And it can be so valuable as a field of study even if you don't use it as a direct 1:1 in your employment later on.

If you enjoy the learning, I think you'll enjoy the process of expanding your understanding into the realms of psych abolition/anti-psych. It can be hard to sit with criticisms of fields and knowledge that we're passionate about, but I think it makes us better, both as people and as learners to do so! So I hope you find the same!

As far as going into academia goes, personally, I don't recommend it for anyone, not because folks aren't suited to it, but because capitalism has made the process of working in the ivory tower a hellscape unlike anything you'll ever see. There are 7 jobs, none of them involve actual research so much as writing 10,000 grants per year and jockying with the 500,000 other desperate post-docs for funding and name recognition, and no one gets tenure anymore. We used to scare people straight with threats of publish or perish, but honestly, I kinda long for the days of mere PoP toxicity? Like, at least then there was a chance that you would get to do work on something you actually cared about rather than getting assigned to the same 5 projects that demand you sacrifice your integrity AND the world's future somehow.

Edit to add: my undergrad was in research anthropology, and while I definitely made moves towards academia over my career I'm *really* glad I didn't end up there. That's me tho! Not everyone else.

There are people who make academia (professorships/research positions) work, and maybe you're dedicated enough to be one of them! But to be honest, the reality is that most of us go to school and get degrees and then we get jobs that are AT MOST tangentially related to those degrees. Mostly we use our degrees for hobbies, mental stimulation, and self-growth/development. That's.....really fine. There's plenty of fulfilling jobs out there that you can find. They don't have to be exactly what your degree was in, and frankly careers are often a long line of continuing educational opportunities anyway.

There are also tons of legit ways to use a psychology degree that have nothing to do with therapy or academia! They're just like. Applied psychology jobs, not direct psychology jobs. That's fine too!

I think a lot of people go into psych and pigeon-hole themselves. I'd really recommend against that. The private sector has a ton of jobs that pay decently, have reasonable hours, and won't ask you to go back for a master's or a PhD and *even more student debt*. Why force yourself to go into the parts of the industry that - truly - SUCK SO FUCKING HARD if you aren't willing to tear yourself apart for them? Life doesn't need to be lived on hard mode.

[the-prophecy]

im literally so so frustrated.

i don't know if I should study for the upcoming pre uni exams to qualify for admission into a master's program. or should I try to earn money with my limited knowledge in the subject of my career which I learned in my undergrad. I see everyone doing different things and im so freaking confused right now. on one hand I want to study and learn more and develop more skills (promising myself I won't let anxiety take over this time) and on the other hand my brother keeps telling me what i "should" be doing. which basically is start earning money. i literally didn't learn enough in undergrad to actually work effectively in my field. so as a fresher it's terrifying out there

what are you studying? what grade are you in?/which course are you pursuing diti?

sorry for such a random rant in your ask box

the heaviness in my chest doubles every time i feel like im doing the wrong thing. which I always am, I guess?

Ok bestie bestie i get you it's totally normal to feel that way I've myself been up a few nights thinking this as I'm legit in last semester and like so one thing that everyone has told me to always complete masters like bachelor's mean really less and like you can do masters with an internship so you'll start earning a Lil bit with studying too also your brother isn't the one who decides what you need to do, you have to make the decision for your own good bestie, I'd suggest to do masters bc even my prof told me a bachelor's degree has no value compared to masters and this one's for the long run we know that right

I'm in third year college bachelor's of biochem and biotech (it's double degree) and like have 4-5 more months left then I'll do masters bc yeah as I mentioned before and I'll do internship which atleast gives me 10-15k a month

It's your decision bestie but from my side I'm advising to do masters bc we don't want to regret having a less earning job in future do we ? And it's ok we all go through the phase I've been there too at the end we need to chose one path and make sure we don't regret it, do whatever feels right to you not ur brother or ur fam. Hope you'll figure it out and if u need any help you can DM me anytime 🫂

[somerabbitholes]

hii miss c, im about to graduate in like 6 months with an honours in economics. i feel like I've been miserable through undergrad mostly because i didn't know what i wanted from my choices early on. i kinda put my put my best down at seventeen and was like okay let's get this degree lol anyway i am so lost, the career options seem very limited for me at the moment and im drained, as of late more inclined towards studying history also terrified of being in undergrad for another three years while all my friends do masters and move on with their life (sigh) it's just raita all over idek what to do anymore. any advice?

Hello. I'm sorry you feel that way. but also, it’s completely okay to feel this way. Around the time I was finishing my master's, one of my professors said the job or the career isn’t the end goal, they’re just the tools you’re offered to do what you really want to do with the education and academic field you’re interested in. And that's been a helpful frame of reference; it takes the pressure off the career choice to a large extent.

What might help is identifying jobs or careers you see yourself doing, and then working your way backwards. Maybe you can connect with people on LinkedIn or people you know who are working, and see what they studied to see if that's something you'd like to do.

Maybe you don't have to think about another bachelor's just yet. maybe you can get a feel of things and career options in history by interning or working part-time at places that let you research. I'd be happy to talk about options in more detail; just shoot me a message.

And maybe you can do the same with economics. see what all the field has to offer, and see what all you can do with it until something clicks. I can't be as much help here as with history, but I do still hope I can help. again, shoot me a message if you'd like that.

Just: you do have options. I have friends who have ended up doing things very different from what they saw themselves as being interested in when we were studying. And I have friends who have been able to build on what they initially studied to find something they enjoy more. I’ve also been trying to transition between academic disciplines too and it is difficult and frustrating, but in the past few months it has felt like I might be onto something, so please hang in there. :)

[catboybiologist]

hey how did you get into studying bio?

i'm asking cause i'm looking at potentially going into a biology adjacent field and i was wondering how you got into bio in the first place and why

My disclaimer on stuff like this is PLEASE do not treat me as an authority, I'm one grad student and not even a particularly significant one at that. I'm one experience of many.

So first off, the why: I've always enjoyed nature, and loved animals, so there was never really a moment in my life that I wasn't going to do something like that. I originally entered college as an ecology major, and did volunteering related to that, but I soon realized several things about ecology I didn't like while simultaneously gaining a keen interest in lab biology. An interest in animals and nature just kinda made me ask more questions about how things worked on a more and more fundamental level, until I realized I was more interested in genetics than I was about food webs.

Second off, the how: my career/education has had a pretty standard outline, at least for the US, with a couple of small notes. Got a bachelor's at a local state college, stuck around that same college to wait out two years of my life while the world was fucked (wooo undergrad class of 2020), and now I'm doing my PhD after that.

There are two notes I would give:

1, start undergrad research early. Your mentors, advisors, hell pretty much anyone in the older generation or even a slightly different field may tell you to either pursue internships or not to worry about research too much. They're wrong. Standards have generally increased, especially for grad school applications, and undergraduate research experiences counts in industry as well. Yes, it's completely fucked, because its a system that exploits free labor, but that could be a post of its own that I will probably make at some point.

2, my master's degree was technically unnecessary, but practically very necessary to get into my PhD program. It's hard to say whether this was just my admittance year, because it seems like everyone had a similar idea to me (get more experience through either a MS or industry in a safer, more known environment before uprooting your life for a PhD), so my PhD cohort has a relatively high proportion of people already with master's degrees. Its hard to say whether this is a phenomena isolated to my admit year, or whether this reflects the trend of increased admission standards over time (which, even aside from this, has been noted by many). If this is the route you wanna take, you'll have to evaluate what kind of degrees you want when you get there.

Any time I talk about career trajectories, I also include this little note: remember that there are two PhD systems in the world. The one I'm talking about is used in the Americas and East Asia from what I know. In this system, PhDs only require a bachelor's degree for admittance, but take 5-7 years. Usually, there's a midway point where you can "master out" and quit with a MS. So for me, already having a MS wasn't strictly necessary.

There's another system used by most of Europe, Oceania, and other places that I couldn't rattle off that's somewhat different. Here, PhDs only take 3-5 ish years, but they usually require that you already have a MS or additional technical certifications for admittance.

Both are essentially equivalent, I just include a little note about it when I talk about my MS. When I say it's unnecessary it sometimes confuses people who are mostly familiar with the second system.

I'm open to questions about this but again, remember I'm just one perspective, not an authority.

[taylortruther]

I think one of the main differences between Joe and Travis is in how they approached their ambition. We know that Travis was always in his brother's shadow, which gave him a natural push. Joe kept his ambitions to himself mostly (though I don't know the whole Love, Actually screening/audition happened...maybe he was approached by a casting director since they were looking for boys a certain age). Travis has been working hard to make it as a professional athlete since he was in teens. Like Taylor who pushed herself as a teen and found success early on. We don't know exactly what Joe did to nurture his acting ambitions as a teen. His drama studies happened after his first bachelor's degree. I'm assuming he was in plays and stuff when he did his first undergrad, but I don't know. His pre-professional trajectory isn't completely documented. Whereas with Travis, we know about his college football career, how he almost lost it, and how he pushed through adversity and with the help of his brother, recovered it. I'm typing way too much and having a hard time getting to my point. I think that it's just from what we know, Travis has owned his ambition, whereas Joe hasn't to the same degree. Taylor, as we know, has always been ambitious, and has documented her feelings toward it in songs.

i think their ambition was attractive to taylor in both ways! i truly don't think she would've cared if joe ever got more successful, as long as he was passionate and ambitious about it. i do think being equals but in separate industries is a unique dynamic, though, that is really working out for taylor and travis. it's not objectively better, it's just better for this stage of her life and career.

i think what you are also getting at though is that we don't know how much struggle joe went through to get where he is. we do know travis dealt with a lot of defeats, and it made him better, because he talks openly about it. and that kind of attitude probably serves him well, whereas, maybe joe didn't have that same ability to surmount adversity? IDK. this is verging on mean which i do not want to do because i think that's a waste of time lmao