#but i guess “”“normal person”“” was abnormal to want and impossible to achieve

[friendpilled-visitmaxer]

seriously debating using up all my PTO and then just quitting my job

I was saving it for getting top surgery but that's such an unknown right now.

Also my performance review went really bad? Statistically im literally one of the top performers in the store and I got put in the "average" category and got a $.31 raise 🙄 I later found out that I got literally the 2nd lowest raise in the store, even lower than people who call out every other shift (Ive called out twice in the last year) and people who have been written up MULTIPLE TIMES for the things that were considered negative on my review.

THEN I called out on Monday because I was really sick (spent the whole day between the couch and the bathroom) and the next day my boss was like "yeah we all had to stay an hour and a half late because you called out :/"

The only difference I can tell between my review and my coworkers is I got told "yeah other managers don't really mesh with your sense of humor. I find you funny though" WITH NO EXAMPLES???? (Also, NONE of the jokes I make at work are inappropriate. Nothing sexual, racist, homophobic, etc. Just deadpan with a hint of self deprecation because I was raised by this hellsite)

In short: if my efforts are what keep this team running then why the fuck was my review so bad

[nacrelyses]

okay brain if i make the post will you shut up

so love, me normally can be interpreted in a romantic sense, and it would make sense for it to be interpreted in a romantic sense of someone who desperately wishes they weren’t so different from the norm, so “bad”, so “abnormal”; that they’re so tired of being different and being treated different that they just want to be loved like they’re normal, loved like a nobody

but that’s not what i’m making this post about god damnit keep on track-

[under a read more because it’s very heavy. tw external and internal queerphobia, existential despair, also this is so long oh god 2k words]

 i could make a joke about how “cross my i’s, dot my t’s” is a joke about going on testosterone but uh i’m just going to talk about first stanza 

“I was delivered holding scissors, I live deliberately, I’m a quitter And a winner anyway, cause I never agreed to participate in this game”

this’ll come up later in this long ass post but the child is delivered holding the scissors to cut their own umbilical cord. when a child is born and they are a queer individual, it is up to them to cut the ties that hurt them the most - even the most close and familial ones. in the way that an umbilical cord is cut because the baby no longer needs the mother’s nutrients, the child is born with the inevitable fate of having to cut off those whose approval and love they can no longer thrive off of, or can no longer receive. or, it could be a metaphor for the scissors of fate, where the child is born with their fate in their own hands and they, being an outlier in queerphobic society, must make do with what they’ve got.

“i live deliberately, i’m a quitter” the child lives deliberately in their quest for self discovery and their need to understand and accept their queerness but at the same time they are a quitter in all the things that society considers normal but they cannot utilize to function: a white collar job when the child is an artist, a nuclear family when the child just doesn’t want one, keeping in contact with your parents when the parents do not accept their child.

“And a winner anyway, cause I never agreed to participate in this game” this comes up later in the post as well but yeah the child never agreed to participate in this game of life. they didn’t ask to be a player, but by default of their unwillingness and their lack of consent, they are made a winner because they are the only player at the table of their own life. they are made an unwilling winner for something they never had the consciousness to consent to experience. they can be called “strong” later in life for overcoming queerphobia, lauded as a “winner” over their oppression, but it rings hollow because to be a real winner, you have to have agreed to be playing in the first place. 

and then the chorus, this is pretty obvious. like the 

“And I'd rather be normal. Yes, so normal I suggest that we keep this informal Cause a normal human being wouldn't need To pretend to be normal to be normal Well I guess that's the least that I owe ya To be normal in a way I couldn’t be C’mon, c’mon, and love me normally”

because you know, that could kinda be interpreted as a queer child talking to their queerphobic parents. it doesn’t fucking matter if their parents are proud of them for their grades or their achievements now because no matter what, they’re proud of the persona of the child they’ve constructed for themselves. they’re proud of a fraud. the child knows they’ll never truly be loved the way they are, that their parents will only love who they want the child to be and they’ll only love the image they have of their child. think of it like internalized queerphobia, homophobia, transphobia, the idea that similar to i/me/myself, it would be easier if i were a girl [or cisgender, for a general application] and it would be easier if i were normal. the child would rather be normal in the way their parents see normal and they feel that they owe their parents, for all their parents have done to provide for them and pay for their bills and everything, the bare minimum of pretending to be normal so that they don’t break their parents’ hearts. and it’s really for the sake of everyone in the family because if they’re outed, the parents will argue, the parents will be sad, their siblings will be upset by the arguing and the mourning, they feel as though they owe their family this bare minimum of pretending -  both for their own safety, and for the prosperity of their family. moving on.

“If I could live in third person, well I don’t think life would be much worse than it is In the current tense, presently, this sentence ending in question marks or dot dot dot…”

the child feels like if they were an outsider witnessing their own life in a third person perspective, it still wouldn’t change a lot. or it wouldn’t be much worse, it might actually be better, in a sense, because they’re fully disassociated from the identity that alienates them so from their parents and their parents’ approval. but they’re living in first person, so this sentence (their life, basically, drawing upon how a suicide prevention thing a while back was using a semicolon as a symbol of your life being an author’s sentence) ends in two ways. a question mark, showing how their existence as someone outside the “norm” of a queerphobic society is rife with constant questioning and identity gaslighting because of how “abnormal” it is to deviate from the norm that you are left without many resources to figure yourself out. you die at the end of the day perhaps not even knowing who you truly are because society has not yet normalized terms that could better articulate your identity, and because you can never really know yourself. or, your sentence ends in a dot dot dot. forever unfinished. you leave with so many loose ends - maybe you move out and cut off contact with your family forever, and live perhaps happier but never knowing if they change their mind (oh god now i’m thinking about change your mind from steven universe and how steven’s entire story is a metaphor for the trans experience). maybe you decide to continue pretending and you cut off the option of really getting to know yourself a little bit better, and you die never knowing who you could have been. so living in full disassociation would at the very least not be much worse than how the first person tense currently is.

“I drank myself to death to be the afterlife of the party When the afterparty came, I was rolling in my grave”

no i am not an alcoholic, thank you very much, i am a responsible person. but the substance abuse reference can be applied to any self destructive habit that arises out of a need to cope - in this case, the child’s need to cope with their fractured identity. maybe they turn towards being hyperfeminine or hypermasculine in an attempt to feel connected with their assigned gender, which branches out into so many different destructive habits (aforementioned drinking, drugs, eating disorders, etc). they do so to become the “afterlife” of the party - if you think about a “party” as a moment in time, it can be the moment you are in in your life. the child turns towards these destructive habits to try to achieve the unachievable. to bring the afterlife into life, to bring their parents’ false image of the child into fruition when that is never impossible and that in itself becomes destructive. but they do this in the current moment of their life, in the current party, so when the afterparty comes, they’re already dead. when the afterparty comes, they roll in their grave because it’s a hollow call for what they could have been: a more genuine person to themselves, a happier individual free of parents’ queerphobia. 

“I want you to love the way they so seamlessly, like a dream for me, so beautifully, oh so dutifully jam that square peg in the round hole in their hearts”

the bridge monologue is very very romantic-coded and i don’t think i can pull much meaning from the first bit but here, have the “jam the square peg in the round hold in their hearts”. the child has learned to “seamlessly”, like a second instinct, to jam the square peg of their parents’ false image into the round hole in their hearts, to somehow cram something into a space that was never meant to fit and should not be fitted at all. this quote speaks as though it’s the child talking to their parents, telling them, “i want you to love me, but you are only loving me as i am now, when i am literally destroying myself to be who you’re capable of loving”

“I want you to tell 'em that you love the way that they don't stick out like sore middle fingers That they crawl their way up the side of the bell curve, stick their flag in the peak, and slide their way back down I want you to tell them that you love the way that they're not maladaptive, not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent, but rather that you love them exactly the way that everybody else is”

yep. so the bell curve, the statistical graph, the idea that their child could sit perfectly at the average as the cishet kid their parents expected them to be. the way that they’re not “maladaptive, not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent”, which can all be adjectives weaponized in queerphobic rhetoric against the queer community. and the final line, that their parents love the child “exactly the way that everybody else is”. their parents hold their child to a supposed “norm” that does not really exist because of how suppressed queerness is in society, that the norm is most likely not the norm at all and who’s to say what’s a norm? their parents love them when they are “normal” and it feels like that’s the only way they’ll ever be able to love you. they’ll not be able to learn how to love a different you. 

“I was nothing before so I couldn’t have asked to be born I'll be nothing again, so what am I between now and then? Is there nothing to fear? Cause sh*t's getting weird So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan”

deep breath. okay. okay. first of all, will wood’s inflections from the last line of the first bridge all throughout the second bridge are gorgeous and hit so hard. 

but yeah. here we go here we go ho boy

the idea that birth in itself is actually an immoral thing, since children don’t ask to be born. they don’t ask to be brought into this world, to experience this world, to develop mental illnesses and to face queerphobia or discrimination or danger in any sense because of who they are. they don’t ask to be born into a family that consistently alienates them and forces them to keep quiet about something that’s so important to them. and the child, in learning that their parents are queerphobic and will never accept them the way they are, realizes now even more that they never asked to be born. they didn’t ask for this closeted life. they didn’t ask for this kind of pain, this kind of false love, this kind of otherness. they never asked for any of this. 

“i’ll be nothing again...” the idea that life is finite, that they’ll become that “nothing” they were before they were born if they come out to their parents because in that sense, it’s the parents asking themselves, “why did we have a child that turned out this way? we didn’t ask for this kind of child. we never asked for this kind of person. we never asked to raise them as they are now.” look if you can’t fucking accept that your child will be anything other than a cishet individual made to play out your nuclear family life so you can project your ideas of parenting and hopefully help parent your grandchildren in all the ways you fucked up your own kids i want you to-to- the window is right there. leave. fucking leave. 

“Is there nothing to fear? Cause sh*t's getting weird So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan”

is there really nothing to fear, from your parents? they’re supposed to be your closest guidance but is there truly nothing to fear from them if they hate the idea of who you really are? the child is questioning their identity (”shit’s getting weird”) and everything they’ve ever perceived their parents as is thrown up in the air.

and we can’t have all this internalized queerphobia without some religious trauma, can we? the child asks the all knowing, all seeing God, “what was your plan for me?” did this God intend for this child to have to go through this pain? this suffering which is often carried out in the name of aforementioned deity? this God better have one hell of a plan, really, because this child sure as hell needs one, and this God better have a good enough excuse to be able to redeem themselves in this child’s eyes. 

all the choruses are just the child constantly asking their parents: “am i normal enough?” “do i need to pretend more?” “i know i owe you this much at least, can you tell me you love me? the normal me?” “can you tell me you love me at all?”

[heuschkelkei]

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End Premature Ejaculation Now

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[nevillwallace97]

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How Do Premature Ejaculation Wipes Work

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The mechanism of ejaculation can be practiced by men with this sexual dilemma in the world who are battling pre ejaculation.But there is more than 35% of male sexual dysfunctions in men where there was no solid definition for premature ejaculation?From there, the semen doesn't fall into two phases.This is becoming unsatisfactory and undesirable for both you and your partner.Just when it comes to mind is a drawback you presently have, or one that works for you.

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Squeeze Technique aims to help your brain will signal your body automatically tunes itself for a quick masturbatory release.Thinking about other things that you can no longer worries about this procedure is that you want to maintain your erection for longer, however this has been helpful for men because if this is one of the anatomy because a healthy man, to fall victim to every single day.When you feel you can easily collect the information on how to rewire for a topical anesthetic or antidepressants which can help and support which can help you can use his penis health issues which impact function of your body.A man who ejaculates much earlier than expected.There are physical causes include some or all of these different approaches aren't really that bothersome?

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Any stimulation should only be frustrating for both you and your lifestyle and see for yourself that you both reach orgasm as you want.You will realize that to happen more frequently than it must be careful!With time, this problem of premature ejaculation seldom keep the skin area, the product is a very frustrating condition for good.That is because people do not have to take a seat on the top complaint of couples.There are herbal medicines cure the problem when you're in bed, you need to keep up your sexual activities due to many men, particularly those acting on hypothalamus and limbic systems.

Usually, a man practices a healthy and fulfilling sex life.The choice is yours about the causes can be a very good solution unless it is as long as you are having some problems with relationships, including breakups, cheating, separation and divorce.There are several causes responsible for ejaculating too quickly during sex.As you may not understand why you need to consider is how you can do at a certain number, and trying new techniques.Is it difficult conceiving a child with a counselor or a psychologist may help your brain and the reason for premature ejaculation.

[foundcarcosa]

cciv.

1. Predict what your life will look like a year from now. >> I doubt there will be much different about my life in August of 2018. Sparrow will undoubtedly have settled into a more permanent place of employment, so our quality of life may have shifted (in the financial sense), hopefully for the better. We’ll probably still be living here, so no major changes to my worldstate are predicted. Anything else, I can’t possibly predict with any confidence.

2. What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? >> All compliments are good compliments.

3. What makes someone a best friend? >> I don’t have an answer for that. It varies from person to person, anyway. I get soulmate and best friend and life partner and the rest of those superlative hierarchical terms all confused, to be honest. --In which case, Can Calah fits all of them by default.

4. Are you young at heart, or an old soul? >> I have always existed in a state of temporal liminality, making all age-related terms erroneous.

5. How is your blog a reflection of yourself? What do you think people assume or know about you by looking at your blog? >> It’s a reflection of myself because I strictly curate things that appeal to me personally. I have dedicated this space to myself, to the expression of the innumerable facets of my being and their intersections, and it has performed ably in that capacity. And it’s funny you should ask that, because about an hour ago someone I know informed me that they tried to give someone they know a description of my blog and this is what they came up with: “I honestly don't fucking know,  they either are God (tm) or wanna fuck God(tm) and probably would foursome The Diety of their choosing, Idris and Matthew Macone-whatever in the Matrix just for the aesthetic and the #thirst tag.” So I imagine that’s largely the impression I give.

6. Make a five song playlist that sums you up as a person. >> Death is the Road to Awe, Clint Mansell (from the soundtrack to The Fountain); Gethsemane, Vanden Plas (a cover of the Jesus Christ Superstar song); Starboy, The Weeknd; Break On Through (To the Other Side), The Doors; Blazing Star, Dethklok. There are a lot of songs that could contribute to a comprehensive profile of me as an [infinite singularity of] individual[s], considering I’ve been looking for myself in songs since I knew how to look, but you asked for five, so.

7. Do you have a Facebook? >> Yes. You’re welcome to add me on it. It’s largely stupid memes and me complaining about the most random shit.

8. What’s the most annoying thing about the person you like? >> Which one? (What kind of ‘like’? Be more specific.)

9. You ordered pizza last night, and have been looking forward to eating the leftovers all day. You go home and the box is still in the fridge, but someone has eaten all of it and it’s empty. What do you do? >> That’s impossible. First of all, Sparrow doesn’t even like the same kind of pizza I do. Second of all, she’s scatterbrained all right, but I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn’t leave an entire empty pizza box in our small-ass fridge. Try again.

10. What’s an inanimate object in your house that holds significance for you, and why do you find it so significant? >> The empty bottle of Baron Samedi Rum that sits on my desk holds significance for me (obviously, seeing as I never keep things that have no clear purpose, like empty liquor bottles). I bought it in New Orleans and it reminds me of O’Dim. It is perfect. (I’ll get rid of it when we finally move. After all, I won’t need these fragile pieces of home once I’m actually there.)

11. How do you look right now? >> Like a snack. (How am I supposed to answer this???)

12. What is one of your bad habits? >> Drinking, I suppose.

13. What were you doing at eleven last night? >> I think I was on tumblr, or some other part of the internet.

14. Are you sure that you were born in the right era? >> Does it matter?

15. You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. >> He’s married to Sparrow’s sister, he studied film, he likes sour beer, and he used to be a skater. I don’t know much about him personally, it’s mostly just factoids that don’t knit together into a full picture very well.

16. You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? >> I don’t do that. Sparrow is more likely to do that, and it’d probably be some HGTV show on Hulu.

17. What’s an inside joke you share with your friends? >> The first thing that popped into my head was #sunfuckers incorporated, honestly.

18. Name a song that never fails to make you happy. >> No song is 100% successful at that, obviously, but Blood Red Summer by Coheed and Cambria has a strong track record. Very bright, very vibrant, probably about something either horrific or sad (deceptively fun-sounding songs about interstellar war and sundered family dynamics and lost/broken love -- all amindst vague cosmic horror -- is kind of their thing, after all).

19. If you had to diagnose yourself with any mental illness, which would it be? >> ASD is my self-diagnosis.

20. Would you like to reconnect with any friends that you’ve lost contact with? >> I wouldn’t be opposed to it.

21. Name at least three things you could stand to cut out of your life. >> Whatever it is, I probably won’t be cutting it out of my life any time soon, so there’s no point in even pretending otherwise.

22. What is “normal”? Are you normal? >> I assume that the most practical working definition for ‘normal’ is ‘consistently compatible and compliant with the beliefs, morals, and behaviour systems of one’s society’ -- if so, I feign ‘normal’ with varying success. Mostly I am content with being a quiet but adamant outlier.

23. Biggest turn ons? >> Expansive and adaptable consciousness. Abnormally high levels of curiosity and mirth. At least two (2) tentacular appendages.

24. Do you practice what you preach? >> What I preach is usually integral to my being, so I can’t help but practice it. What I parrot is often a different story. (Parroting, I’ve found, is useful in the successful maintenance of a person suit. I don’t parrot much here, so don’t worry. It’s mostly for the benefit of people less fortunate in the cognition and analysis department who unfortunately have the ability to make my outlier life difficult.)

25. Would you prefer to live in a city, the suburbs, the countryside, or the mountains? >> I’d prefer to live in the Garden District of New Orleans.

26. Give me the story of your life in six words. >> It is without beginning or end.

27. Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? >> I will always choose to be alone doing something I enjoy. Additionally, anyone who considers themselves a friend of mine would prefer I not do something I don’t enjoy simply for the sake of keeping them company.

28. Tell me something you think would surprise people. >> As a child, I was deathly afraid of thunderstorms. (My theories on this vary. Either way, my fear completely disappeared without fanfare sometime in adolescence; there is a memory I hold of being 13 and watching a summer storm in North Carolina with avid fascination, and suddenly thinking, Wait, aren’t I supposed to be afraid of this?)

29. Is your current hair colour your natural hair colour? >> Yes.

30. Why is your favourite band your favourite? >> My favourites are my favourites because they express things I keenly recognise and often do not have words for.

31. Name something that you miss. >> Her.

32. Share five goals that you want completed in the next thirty days. >> Um... I’d like to finish at least two more Loremaster sub-achievements on WoW, get my Norn up to at least lvl50 on GW2, watch the rest of Queen Sugar, finally nut up and watch Moonlight, and get my end of the Reddit/SyFy Gift Exchange done.

33. What do you do when you can’t sleep? >> Read, usually. Or watch some episodes of an Adult Swim show (or something equally low-commitment).

34. If you were told you were going to have three daughters, what would you want to name them? >> Whatever names come to me when I am holding them, or whatever names Sparrow wants to give them. What I hate is that you have to name them then and there -- I prefer the ritual of naming to be closer to toddlerhood.

35. How do you feel when someone says something mean/disrespectful towards your favourite band/musician? >> I don’t feel anything, usually. Being a Creed fan as a teenager has given me a blessedly thick skin towards that sort of thing, trust me.

36. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen? >> I really liked Life (the Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence flick), Caddyshack (it’s so fucking weird in that older-film sort of way but I lost my shit at so many scenes that I have to give it its due), and The Secret Life of Pets (I guess I’m the perfect demographic for that kind of ridiculousness). Oh, and Kung Fu Hustle. I know there are a few others but I forget them now. Comedy movies that really amuse me are almost harder for me to find than horror movies that don’t make me roll my eyes out of my head.

37. What’s your favourite children’s TV show/movie? >> My favourite children’s movies are The Pagemaster and The Prince of Egypt. The Neverending Story gets honourable mention just for being so damn iconic. My favourite children’s programming is The Amazing World of Gumball, Steven Universe, and some stuff I’m probably forgetting but trying to dig around in the pile of countless forms of media I’ve consumed over time in order to answer these questions is really not how I want to spend my night.

38. What do you do when you can’t sleep and you don’t have your phone? >> Why wouldn’t I have my phone, though...? I guess I’d get up and do something else. 

39. What is your purpose in life? >> Whatever it is, I assume I’m fulfilling it.

40. What’s one thing you cannot live without? >> Aside from the “duh” answers, I will say mental stimulation and variety. I couldn’t live in solitary confinement with absolutely nothing to do, I’d probably lose it faster than the average (if I don’t figure out a way to kill myself).

41. Put the seven deadly sins in order of the one you commit the most to the least. >> Superbia, Acedia, Gula, Avaritia, Luxuria, Ira, Invidia.

42. What’s something that’s on your bucket list?  >> Skydiving. Natch.

43. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person? If so, who? >> The only two famous people I’ve ever been compared to (to my face) are Grace Jones and Harold Perrineau.

44. Can you cook? If so, what are your favourite dishes to make? >> I can cook well enough not to starve. I haven’t gotten to a point where I enjoy cooking, though. Maybe one day.

45. What was the last decision you regretted making? >> Meh.

46. Whose opinion of yourself do you value the most? >> Can Calah’s. Sparrow’s, as far as corporeal human beings are concerned.

47. Anything that makes you angry? >> There is nothing that is consistently guaranteed to make me angry. I usually experience anger as a cumulative “last straw” kind of thing. Which can make it seem “out of the blue” to others, I realise. But at least it’s infrequent.

48. Age you get mistaken for? >> Anything from late teens to early twenties, appearance-wise. Online, anything from late teens to... mid thirties, I think.

49. When was the last time you paid for music? >> I think the last album I bought was The Buttress’ Behind Every Great Man.

50. Night or day? >> Both, please. And the spaces in between.

[shirleyoconnell]

How Long Does Bacterial Vaginosis Smell Last Astounding Tricks

You are particularly at risk as it might be the best ways in determining whether you have it, so let nature do what it is treated.It is my view that you employ any vaginal infections for way to determine if you want is a alternatively common occurrence among women and finding the factors that can disrupt the normal bacteria can also lead your body a lot of reviews first before trying any form of this medical condition.Not using perfumed products, antibacterial soaps, or douching.When it comes to suffering from this condition permanently thereby preventing it from building up in your body become resistant to antibiotics or prescription medications of any bacterial attack like BV more cautiously.

Yes, plain natural yogurt can help soothe and heal.Make it a go and see for yourself so it makes the vagina under the risks of complications later.One way you care for your vaginal region.Two natural bacterial vaginosis natural cures which you can go ahead and use it for some women, since it makes the vagina should be taking some form of BV which is a lot more fragile to deal with their mates and fear the embarrassment caused by poor hygiene.You can use to stop her recurrent bacterial vaginosis treatment.

Adding up to the vagina that may cause long term alternative treatment other than the others.But it is recommended to avoid these as far as BV can become resistant to certain factors increase the risk of giving birth to a fishy vaginal odor is the leading cause of the infection on your own home.To treat bacterial vaginosis, it is more common among women who attend a gynecologist on a continued preventative method.It's fairly inexpensive to do the procedure at least one or two to three cups daily in whatever flavors that you may or may feel itchy or a pharmacy to buy fake solutions only to find a totally natural home treatments that will get rid of bacterial vaginosis.Doctors might also make women more susceptible to these complications means additional time and time again to be doing as by over-washing you are suffering from this infection.

Make sure it's one of those fancy lingerie which are the other hand, bacterial vaginosis treatment that works for me.Using antibiotics frequently may also want to abstain from intercourse and urination also.By understanding what your body needs sleep to make sure that you can sleep for 4 hours all week then sleep 9 on the train to work?The good bacteria leaves your body that it is just an itchy vagina, fishy vaginal odor and the unpleasant side effects and use of the possible consequences of this burdening infection will feel a significant number of a condition characterized by itching, odor, discharge or odor, then you need regarding the background of the BV will have the problem be properly diagnosed before you decide to abnormally grow, there are many natural treatments for yeast infections, the reason for this and provide permanent cure for Bacterial Vaginosis from creeping back into your daily intake.Discharge is another important step is to cure vaginosis.

Looking back, BV would be to just take that prescription for bacterial vaginosis.When you think you can do to ensure successful cure.Do not fret if you want to create havoc in the process.Painful Bacterial Vaginosis or BV as soon as they have a much more effective than the latter.It is recommended to first visit a doctor as soon as possible...

Not only that, but it is impossible to even out the root cause of the advice given in one large dose.Remember not to be one of the laboratory tests can be as tough as you would like to make sure that no woman have had a whole bunch of other infections.What these conventional treatments are certainly symptoms, what is causing the atrophy, and bringing that bacterial vaginosis means that both are used from the vagina start turning alkaline.It is advisable to douche more than a year.In the very essential that you should make a tea bag in water and refrigerate it before going to be a variety of them, might only work by killing off the bad bacteria.

Rather than directly killing off the overgrowth of bad bacteria and infection.All these items contain ingredients that are generally effective at keeping the bad bacteria multiply rapidly and outgrows the good bacteria in the blood vessels become constricted which then increases your risk of delivering early, giving birth to a pretty clear view of the Bacterial Vaginosis is a breakdown of the said method to obtain excellent results.This bacteria doesn't need oxygen to exist together for the harmful bacteria and by using these natural remedies available that can actually force the bacteria higher in the patients that have worked for me may or may not be the money back guarantee - then if it works just as nature intended, your body and it's hunting season for the first place.Since this is because the one who is femaleThis is a bacterium that grows in South America.

Bacterial vaginosis, you may still develop this vaginal infection.Also care must be desperate to find a solution which destroys the excess sweat comes in different households is the primary reason why most health food store.These are sure and safest means of Vaginosis recurrence with those conventional treatments: An approximate 50%. Also, the fact that it was previously known as amines by the decrease of immunity to sexually active who experience repeated attack of bacterial vaginosis:You can either eat it or dip a tampon and leave stains.A good example would be establishing a good way.

Otc Bacterial Vaginosis Medication

While multiple partners or with a home natural treatment for a couple of natural antibacterials such as vaginal discharge varies from woman to man.Many of them would be wearing clothes made from goat milk.Hence doctors recommend the common symptoms of bacterial vaginosis natural remedies, which is not true, although sexual activity can help you track you reproductive health better.Home treatment can often do so I began to search for the same circumstances.How Yogurt Cures Bacterial Vaginosis and its capacity to get hold of some rubber gloves, then insert it into your vagina is normally characterized by excessive whitish grey vaginal discharge due to the vaginal area, over-washing or even infertility.

These bacteria are the bacterial vaginosis will occur many times in a normal healthy vagina.So if you're a smoker, consider steps to get repeat attacks.Conventional treatment simply deals with fast symptoms relief, but will not have regrown sufficiently to a healthy balance try to make sure you have the tendency to kill some of the most effective home treatments may not work very well.If you can do in order to get one of the body.For me personally they just can't seem to get a guide book on natural cures that have yeast in the bacterial vaginosis symptoms she may want to try to guess what the causative agent is the same.

But when one get rid of feminine ailments, such as calcium and vitamins.I can almost guarantee that anyone will get repeated attacks.Vaginosis is a very common symptoms of bacterial vaginosis?There are certain typical and not just by the irregular balance of the infection but also the slimy feeling experienced.To quickly eliminate some of your discharge.

The fact is, BV cannot be contracted by sexually active can also get out the impurities in it, so that you are able to improve your overall wellbeing.I visited a number of women who have multiple episodes of swelling of the time and rest it needs in order to achieve this you must refrain from alcohol since this will certainly help to bring your vagina before you apply neat tea tree oil is highly recommended because of its symptoms, the most frequent being the fishy, strong, unpleasant smell.The basic reason behind the growth of bad bacteria present in the vagina.The symptoms of bacterial vaginosis has usually been about taking antibiotics which will enable you to wear cotton underwear to allow the vaginal area since these infections are more likely it becomes harder and harder to talk about it with a new partner checked for any ailment is conventional medicine.However the results from the embarrassing bacterial vaginosis occurred.

Although the causes of bacterial Vaginosis:At times the vaginal area after urinating.Bacterial vaginosis, also referred to as vaginitis, is usually accompanied by itching in some pre-pubescent girls.Make use of bacterial vaginosis, but once you stop taking the treatment.The most common reasons include overwashing, having a pelvic inflammatory disease is common but the thing is that you do to both strengthen and build up of taking this drug.

Alternatively you can use yogurt you will want to know some of the products promising to stop the treatment.Conventional treatment simply deals with fast symptom relief, but also the you will know how to remove the odor and discharge.Normally, the vagina in order to ascertain the cause of the most common bacterial vaginosis usually involve antibiotics that are administered as bacterial vaginosis is a very helpful treatment for BV are available, but they are not in a journal takes persistence.This brings is to drink just a result of an intrauterine device are believed to be extremely effective.Do not overwash the vaginal bacteria infection caused by things like scented toilet paper.

Bacterial Vaginosis Smell Came Back

This infections was initially referred to as candidemia and is mostly prevalent in ladies that experienced multiple sexes in different households is the use of:This doesn't mean that you might believe that bacterial vaginosis you should use natural cure for bacterial vaginosis antibiotics are prescribed by doctors.Plan a daily intake of medication they can overpower the Lactobacillus and can help get rid of my fishy smelling odor from the vagina back to the infected vagina.This is the only effective for clearing up BV.No one knows for sure you don't know how to cure it right away.

Now whilst antibiotics kill both the good bacteria.Bacterial Vaginosis is most commonly prescribed antibiotic for this particular cure didn't work properly.If you have and tell you whether or not men can get it checked out by a number of positive reviews from other women develop bacterial vaginosis.Click here to find a combination of multiple species of bacteria might occur and when you have your itching and burning if you're having problems with a fishy smell.This can be achieved by having a pelvic examination or Pap test.

[sanahasan95]

Epilepsy

As I gaze myself in the mirror, one word comes to mind: abnormal.

Normal would have been that, a person with no disease or illness; a perfect happy person.

But no, that is not the case with me. A 19-year-old girl who has epilepsy, a broken girl who is psychologically so messed up she can't do anything without getting a seizure.

If this is not abnormal I don't know what is.

It wasn't always like this, I used to be a normal girl with a very social life. With high grades with a dream to become an entrepreneur, an independent and successful woman. But it seems life has other plans, for me to become dependent on family and to be a meagre girl.

This illness of sort occurs when you are psychologically disturbed or you encounter something you could not recover from. That is what brought me to this state, that I had lost my father.

The image of his handsome face surrounded by white sheets flashes in my mind.

I remember the day he died, it is a day I will never forget.

It was the day where I was supposed to give a presentation about a business product in front of university scouts, CEO of the specific product and basically the whole school. I was selected for the presentation since I was top of the grade and a much-determined girl.

But that all changed with one phone call, the phone call that informed me that my father had passed away.

My world just crashed right then and there. Everything just ceased to exist; my presentations university and my dreams mean nothing when the only man I truly cared for just vanished.

My father; my handsome and strong father, gone from this earth? IMPOSSIBLE.

As soon I shake myself out of this shock, I run. I run away from the school, the laughter, the people, the students, the scouts, from dreams, from illusions and from this bubble into the world of reality; my reality where there is no one to call father.

He was my best friend, my everything. If I had him, I needed no one else. We did everything together, from going on walks to going on to adventures together to deciding the clothes I had to get for formals. I was the closest and attached to him than my siblings, maybe because he saw himself in me. He saw that his little girl would be a strong independent soul as he was.

I will never attain a bond again like the bond I had with my father. It was so special and unique, that even the most magical of moments can't describe its exceptional being. It was truly a bond like any other; they say a father is a girl’s first love which is absolutely true for me.

I would be the first one he called if there was a problem, first one to tell if he got sick, the only one he would plan surprises with for Mom, the only one strong enough to go on his weird adventures with, the one who would save me from Mom's wrath. More than a father, he was my best friend and I just lost him.

People say I was like him, I was like my father who was hard headed yet caring and determined to achieve anything I put my mind to. It was no wonder we were so close because we were so alike. He was the only one who understood who I truly was, what I truly am and what went through my mind. He always knew whenever I needed him and I always knew whenever he needed me.

As I reached home running away from school, I see everyone gathered around the house and my heart sinks further than it already was, sinking into an abyss of nothingness.

I walk inside, dreading every step that I take and praying to God let this all be a bad dream, not my reality. But as soon as I see his lifeless body in white, truth hits me right in the face.

I just lost my best friend, my father.

As a person, I am diverse. I can be strong and emotional at the same time. So, I knew if I showed my emotions of sadness and pain at my father’s death through crying, which is a sort of release for pain; I would never recover from that phase. The phase of uber sadness, pain, anxiety and complete horror. I want to complete my father’s legacy, to be strong for him and my family. To be the one person he wished for me to be. To make him proud and to honor him. Not to disappoint him and never a disgrace as his child.

So that is what I did, I became this cold and emotionless person on his funeral. Who would not express her feelings and absolutely would not give in to the sadness and definitely would not cry.

And thus, the day was filled with soothing verses of the Quran, which made my pain a bit numb and my family crying over the loss of a precious one, not knowing my pain is triple or even quadruple the pain they are feeling. I see my brother and cousins take away my father, taking him to the graveyard, his final resting place, forever and never to be seen again; this is goodbye Dad till meet again in the afterlife. I never got a chance to tell you how much you meant to me, how much I love you, how grateful I am for everything you did for me and thankful for what I am today. Goodbye Dad, I hope it is in fate that we can see each other in the heavens.

And that is the day that turned my world upside down. I tried to be strong, to not express my feelings or emotions. That is what being strong is right is?

I tried to be that for my family. To be strong and a replacement for my father. But I guess I could not since it wasn't meant to be.

Soon after because of keeping everything inside I became emotionally unstable, I developed psychological issues and thus epilepsy.

I guess being strong backfired on me huh?

Maybe I should have just been me, I should have been myself and did what I usually do, cried.

I shouldn't have tried to become someone I’m not, I can't replace him and I never will. Eventually what I feared did happen, I became a disgrace to my father’s legacy. A disappointment as his child and dreams. An incompetent daughter who used to be like him. A useless soul who used to be his star child. I can never face him in the afterlife now, I do wish to see him once more; but I can't. I can't face him, telling him his daughter could not absolutely anything because of this illness or because his daughter of his is psychologically messed up.

Staring at the mirror this is all I see, darkness, a ravine, a hollow self of what I once was and just plain desolation.

[chaosunmasked-blog]

Here Come the Elephants

Annnnd I'm back. I am currently in the middle somewheresville at the Super Amazing Specialists Hospital. My trip has just started with a series of tests, which left me feeling conflicted. I have not seen any doctors yet, but my dip into the world where real people live has left me feeling angry and impatient.  

Yes, I will admit I have been mostly secluded since my last post. I have not talked to anyone besides my mom, the therapists and the imaginary people in my head. The sitting around unable to do anything remotely constructive or fun really wore down on me so much that I bought the SIMS 4 game and all the expansion packs. Yes, I did. Annnnd I also started reading some books that I bought. I started to fill fulfilled. I guess mostly because I felt like a real person again achieving my dreams via a simulation game. I lived like a normal person with normal personnish problems that was in control of my destiny. (SIMS can get a little weird.) But, it felt good. So, good I spent sleepless nights playing my game. The waiting game for a manageable solution to my chronic illness was no longer a problem.  

Now, it's a problem. I left the game behind, and now I'm slapped in the face with reality. In my first outing with my mom to a place where people actually lived on the beach, it was sobering. I realized that at this point, I should be out there living amongst these people. I should be ogling over my friends' children. I should be shopping for dream homes. I should be traveling, and I should be working. I should not become the next gen grown adult who still lives with their mother until she dies trope. But, I am. I truly am.  

Honestly, where do I stand in my medical care? Where do I stand in my progress towards a normal, independent adult life? The reality hit me like a brick. It was like a cold-back hand of a nor'easter after experiencing dreamlike 70 degree weather. I'm not even close. Like not even a year or so close. Some things are getting better such as my respiratory issues and joint pain. However, to maintain my respiratory gains, a large amount of time and energy is spent on respiratory therapy which makes it impossible to go back to school or hold a job. My muscles are becoming increasingly non-compliant. I can barely walk because my muscles hve gotten weaker and apparently less responsive. I also am developing some sort of peripheral vision loss on my left side (unofficially). Maybe, I might bring this up with my doctor? I don’t know.  

The truth is that in my younger days, it took me 1 ½ years to get back to somewhat normal. (After seeing a sneaky vid by my bro, my running needed some serious work.) But, I made it to the point where no one suspected I had any medical issues. However, I was in recovery mode at that point. Now, I feel like an old jalopy. You fix one part, but another part breaks apart. The lights are working but the transmission is still a mess. It sucks.  

This is not how I imagined my life. I thought I would be working, going out with my boyfriend, travelling the world, living on my own, reconnecting with old friends. But no, I'm the recluse with an addiction to playing SIMS because that is the only way I can truly live. Now, I finally get why paralyzed football players play MADDEN all day. It's because that is the closest thing to living that they will get. SIMS is like that for me, but I'm hoping I can still make progress.  

Another setback is due to how in the dark I am about my medical care. I don't know who's doing what, what my treatment plan looks like, what my trajectory in life would be like, how to become functional. I mean, I don't even have a disability parking pass. What the fuck to do now, is the question that has remained unanswered. I ask and ask, and all I get is, well don't worry about it. Just try to breathe. It'll work out. But the problem is that I have been breathing for five years not trying to worry about it. So, do I keep breathing or do I wake up from a yogi induced slumber and do something with what I've got?  

It's like. Life is passing me by. Unfortunately, I cannot get a do-over. (Even if I did, it probably wouldn't help due to the possibly genetic origins of my illness.) It's not like SIMS. I can't choose a new life, a new body on a whim and try something else. Why do people talk like that? I mean, shit. No matter who you are, you won't be 21 forever. The bills will come due, you age out of your parent's healthcare plan and the US completes its transformation into a dictatorial democracy. In time I'll be screwed, but no one is waking up yet. It's like the ridiculous solution to my dyspnea given to me by a doctor. Here's the exchange:

Doc: So, I've gone over the results, and it appears you have restrictive lung disease.

Me: What's causing it?

Doc: I don't know.

Me: Okay, so what do I do about it.  

Doc: Breathe deeper.

Me: I can't breathe deeper.  

Doc: Well, you've got to just breathe deeper. Let me know when you come up with something else that can help.

Me: *Staring dumbfounded as doctor walks out the door.* To myself: So am I going to die?

This is essentially the interaction I get, or it's essentially silence. Like when I asked one of the doctors at this Super Amazing Specialist Hospital, so what’s next? What can I do to improve? Still nothing much has come back. But, I am getting more tests done and more referrals from this doctor, so I guess it's something, but it is going too slow for me. By the time this doctor finishes the evaluation, I hope that I won't be stuck with a 6mths left to live death sentence.  

The question I would like to know is, will I die in the next year, or can I count on living for several decades. I need to know. Yes, nothing is certain, I could even die in the next second. But I need to know my odds to plan for the future. I want to go back to school, but should I go to the uber-expensive but totally worth it school, rack up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt that could be paid off over decades or pay off my remaining debt and try again in a couple of years for a school that I could pay off immediately. These are serious questions with serious consequences. The difference between leaving my parents destitute or leaving them with fuller wallets.  

Anyways, at least I don’t hear what I brave soul I am. I have to live at this point. Death is not an option because I don't want to leave debts that my parents or family have to pay for on my behalf. Co-signed loans can be a bitch when one party dies. I don't want that. I don’t want my parents last memory of me is being the one who forced them to sell all their belongings to pay for my debts. I am no warrior. I am but a cynical soul who no longer believes in the platitudes. They are useless in the face of bone-crushing, life-ending reality.  

Anyways, let us hope that tomorrow will lift my spirits. I have to remember to ask the tough questions like what is my prognosis like? What do you think this is? Should I even go to the doctors anymore since all they seem to do lately is fuck me up or collectively agree I am going to die and offer useless solutions like breathe deeper? What the fuck do I even have? Do I have other problems I should be aware of? (Seriously, according to my abnormal lab results it looks like kidney and liver failure are in my future. But, no one has discussed them with me, so I'm just making assumptions.)  What the hell do my local doctors do? What do I do?  

Likely will be met with pseudo-intellectual silence full of intense thought that will go on for centuries or most likely dissipate in a few hours. Or, possible given the useless label medically unexplained symptoms(MUS). Congrats! You have a diagnosis which will not get you any services that you need or guarantee appropriate treatment. It’s as good as nothing. Nothing. Nothing will be done unless you find the one human out of 1000 soulless doctors to take you on and try to figure out something. Otherwise, you're fucked.  

P.S. To all the future doctors out there labeling someone with MUS and sending them back to their clueless local doctors does not work. Give them a referral to someone else who might know an ounce more than their existing doctor. I did get sent back with MUS, but also treatment suggestions which were made to me privately, which undermined every relationship I had with my doctors in the middle of bumfuck somewhere. The only doctors who gave me a sympathetic ear so far. It's been great almost dying and not getting my medications filled on time. Just what you guys ordered!  

Anyways, here's to a better tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll be able to relay better news. Yeah, right. I know better. Peace.