#but i got rid of a bunch of photos of people im no longer friends with

[peaches-and-honey-and-the-moon]

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[go-un-fuck-yourself]

day 20 4/4

morning was a little rough. but it got better as the day went on. it seems that if the day is going to be bad its only in the morning and as the day goes on my mind gets better. im starting to find out people who are testing positive in nj and its scary. one of my friends is dying. its freaky as hell. didn't read today, gonna try to sleep without reading and melatonin tonight. having my pillows cave me in almost seems to be helping. you'd think I've adjusted to a full bed for a year and a half but I've lived in a twin my whole life with no problem. last thing i watched was the first pirates so im stoked. cleaned out a bunch of stuff in my room and started using my kindle again which basically i only used for reading. maybe that'll motivate me as well. finding it hard to run because by the time im ready im hungry again idk its weird but ill figure it out its a very unimportant problem. im excited to do yoga again tomorrow. i havnt seen it down here but this happened to my mom today. a friend from town dropped off her crumb cake on the porch. so i think im gonna do the same. i was already thinking about what i was gonna do for my friends birthdays this month. i have been seeing people visit each other at their balconies and in person social distancing which i think is so cool. so i think im going to start baking for people.

1. its something to take up my time

2. im actually not tempted to taste what i bake cause I've done it so much

3. it gets me out of the house

4. it makes them and me happy

5. its something that i enjoy doing that i havnt done much since i moved

6. its social distancing and i can watch their face

7. it gets rid of the oreos in my house, hint hint as to what everyones getting

BUT do need to make sure i can afford this. i think my parents will understand. 

it does depend how far they are from me but i think i can make this work. i don't want to publicize it to get in trouble but also i do want my friends and the people that are close and special to me that they are not forgotten and that i do miss them and that communication and screen time just isn't enough right now for me and i cannot wait to hug them. I've been saying that to people lately. how when you're used to not just hugging but interacting with hundreds of people of a day and then you shift to maybe 5 a day it is so mentally and physically challenging. especially if you're an affectionate person and super open to physical touch. i told my friend on the phone today that i will cry in his chest the next time i hug him. i will not take any of this for granted from now on.

we had a big family FaceTime tonight which was great my cousins and i made fun of the old people. but i miss my family. today would've been a big reunion of family and friends for me if the event was on. and my roommate braided my hair and i out my earrings back in which i should've did on day 1. i did submit my score for the burpees and at some point this month i have to do the 4 workouts for the world wide support your box thing on top of the once a week thing for quaranteam. no biggie i have plenty of time. i just need to manage my time better during the week to make sure i run as much as possible. trying to eat a bigger breakfast and my granola bar in one shot or earlier that way im fuller longer. also have been getting up at a decent time super proud of that.  

i miss singing and dancing. the driving to residencies will get me to sing in the car. HA. 

i need to stop eating unhealthy. i think once this little fun is out of my system i won't have the urge to buy crap food to keep in the apartment. 

the best thing about today and it happened early on. 6 years ago today, i was supposed to go to my exes prom with him. but we were so on and off at this point. he asked this other girl that is basically me but nottttttt. still salty just cause i never had a good prom experience and were both really hot and we wouldve worn all black like a funeral cause were like that and anwayyyyyyyy. my friend sent me a few photos from that day because she's friends with the girl and she was there when they did photos and omg. he was so good lucking, still is but differently. and wow his hand was so awkward on her and it would've been so natural if it were me like it is now and UGH. oddly enough he was the first person to tell me about the coronavirus and i thought he was showing me a meme and he was like nah its serious blah blah i half ass read the article. we were at a bar i didn't wanna read this now i wanted to enjoy my time with him. i know he's alive and he's fine but he hasn't answered my check ins. i know he's working still but its just the point. i wanted to speak to him or ft him. i worry. ill never stop worrying. but he's a post for another day.