#it all weirdly feels like im having a moment of clarity of some sort

[peaches-and-honey-and-the-moon]

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[hotshotshitshow]

i guess just because ive been on a roll lately and also oversharing is my lifelong passion i want to verbal diarrhea a lil bit about my own experience of coming to the conclusion that im a lesbian so pls feel free to ignore if u want or whatever i just have Lots Of Thoughts and i just want to get them out. this gets sort of weirdly long winded and shouty and ranty so im sorry. catharsis!

even now i still feel some level of .... idk? shame? regret? i dunno. about the fact that i didnt come to the conclusion that i was a lesbian until i was 25 bc that feels so late to me even though i know for a fact that there are countless other people who came to similar realizations about themselves when they were much older than me.

and ngl there is even a little bit of envy that there are so many kids so much younger than me who seem so sure of their identities (even though i know there are loads of kids who arent sure!!!) and there are moments where i catch myself thinking of myself as “less of a lesbian” because i didnt allow myself to face the fact that i was one until fairly recently ..... and i am still learning so much and trying to cultivate my own identity and just all around see myself as “less experienced” (whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean) than others which undoubtedly is a part of the massive chasm that all my self confidence gets sucked into daily.

but like obviously its not like just BOOM one day i was like “from here on out i am a lesbian now!!!!!!! :)” bc even from a very young age i was always more drawn to women and could not wrap my head around the idea that someday i would have to marry a man and completely idealized my mom’s best friend who was a big burly woman who drove a truck and wore flannels and knew that i wanted to be just like her when i grew up and never ever marry a dude (which in retrospect was sort of weird because my mom usually hates women like that and i grew up with her periodically warning me to “stay away from fucking dykes theyre mean awful ugly women”)

and then the always confusing for everyone period of middle school where i dated a boy for three days before breaking it off because the whole situation gave me more anxiety than i could deal with but i just chalked it up to me being an emotionally immature teen but also being completely obsessed with my best girl friend and wanting to impress her and have her attention all the time and being unable to understand why i was so upset when she started dating some  guy and me just assuming that i was upset because i had a crush on him that id never realized i had before

and then id go home and spend hours online looking up content for my favorite shoujo-ai anime ships and talking with other wlw on the gaiaonline guild forums and asking them questions about how you knew if you were gay or not and if liking almost exclusively girl/girl ships meant you were gay and only being told in response “plenty of heterosexual girls like girl/girl ships!! youre the only one who can tell if youre gay or not!! :)” and just feeling completely confused and alone and having no idea what to think!!!! and then having one day that i remember very specifically where i had a shining moment of clarity for all of half an hour where i thought “i AM a lesbian!!!” and feeling so happy in that moment before my brain took over with the thoughts of “but what if you come across one particular guy sometime...... can’t rule out that possibility” but i knew i really wanted to be a lesbian but just could not allow myself to think i was one

and then fast forwarding up to undergrad where i briefly dated an online guy friend (hi) for like. a month? and then abruptly breaking that off in the worst way possible because i had no fucking clue what i was doing and once again chalked it all up to being emotionally immature and from that moment out identified as aromantic because i figured there was something fucking wrong with me and romance was just not something i could do!!!!! and thinking there was absolutely no fucking way i could be a lesbian and it was completely not even remotely an option because there were certain aesthetic things about men that i appreciated and also never once having had a “proper crush” on anyone or at least not one that i could identify because everyone always talked about love feeling like fireworks and something big and id never felt that for anyone ever so obviously that meant i was incapable of love!!!! so i shoved the whole notion of trying to figure myself out way way way down and didnt look at it for years afterwards 

until i got into graduate school and for some fucking reason my brain decided it was time to dig all that old shit back up and i SUDDENLY COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN SCREAMS. and feeling more attracted to women than ever even though i always knew that i liked women 

and i still couldnt entertain the idea that i might be a lesbian because even though id been in a very happy relationship with beansly for a few years at that point and knew for a fact i was not aromantic there was still that thought of “Ok But What If You Meet One Guy Sometime”

and this sounds dumb as fuck but it wasnt until beansly straight up told me “if i had to label you id think you were a lesbian” that my brain went “what if theyre right” (TO WHICH I IMMEDIATELY WENT NOPE but acknowledged that the fact that they called me that made me feel really really good) (but kept thinking about that and kept bringing it back up to myself and ruminating over and over and over it) and then even more dumb as fuck i couldnt admit it to myself until i saw a fucking tumblr post that had something to the effect of “a common thing for lesbians who dont know theyre lesbians yet is that they really want to be a lesbian. its ok to be a lesbian” AND THEN I FUCKING CRIED LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BABY AND HID UNDER MY BLANKIES but the fucking relief and validation my dude but then being presented with a whole new heap of Problems such as “how the fuck do i come out to people. everyone will think i am faking and Not Enough” and just having to deal with the struggle of owning that label and allowing myself to feel good about it and not let my brain convince me that i am somehow unworthy. and i am completely worthy because i love women and not men and thats the one fucking qualification i need to meet so my brain can go fuck itself into oblivion. ive spent so much time worrying over how much of myself i owe to men and holding myself back for a man that does not exist and will never exist and part of why i keep excitedly bringing up the fact that im a huge fucking lesbian is because in my mind its a huge testament to my personal progress and taking ownership over myself and no longer holding myself back over hypotheticals

so yeah anyway at the end of the day i still have so much more growing i need to do and i still see myself as a small shakey little chihuahua with a big mouth but i am a damn stronger person than i was even a year ago!!!! and learning that your attraction and what label you identify with is supposed to make you feel good was one of the best things i ever learned. i just really wish i could have had the self awareness or at least resources that i have now when i was younger and could have figured it out a little sooner. i know it doesnt make me “lesser” and technically i am still a very young person and have my whole life ahead of me but. idk i just wish id had it in me to be more honest with myself sooner. idk how other people can be so sure of themselves when they are so much younger. that just wasnt me i guess

[cryingbilldenbrough]

Eddie's Fanny pack holds everything. Everything u need. All the answers to the universe. Once mike broke his lawnmower n was distraught about it but Eddie was like I got u bro and pulled out a new lawnmower from his fanny pack for mike.

this is a very funny prompt that i turned into a harry potter au and im not entirely sure why. 

richie can’t solve the riddle again. 

“what always comes, but never arrives?” the eagle knocker asks, so loud in the empty staircase, and there’s no one but richie around to hear it. richie sighs, rubbing his eyes behind his glasses, and tries to think. 

his first answer was something stupid and dirty and the eagle knocker looked almost disappointed when richie laughed it out, but now richie’s been standing here for fifteen minutes and no one has come by to help him get in the common room. it’s late, his feet hurt, and richie still has half an essay to write before class tomorrow morning and he’s got to study for his OWLs and he has a pickup quidditch game with bill tomorrow afternoon. 

“what always comes but never arrives?” the eagle asks again and richie wants to scream I DON’T KNOW at it until he loses his voice. 

for the hundredth time, richie doubts the Sorting Hat’s choice to place him in Ravenclaw. 

he wishes stan were here. stan would have known the answer right away and richie would be curled up in bed right now, curtains drawn tight and the heat of the fire warming him. but instead he’s shifting between his feet on the stone staircase, books heavy in his hands. 

finally, he hears footsteps coming up the staircase. richie cranes his head to look behind him, trying to figure out if it’s someone from his house who will judge him for getting stuck outside of the common room yet again. 

richie sees a flash of gold, the robes of a short boy with curly brown hair, and groans. 

it’s a gryffindor. richie is going to be stuck out here for forever. 

“hey,” the kid says, voice breathy from walking up all the stairs, “hard riddle tonight?” 

richie clucks his tongue, a dismissal, and shifts on his feet. his books feel like they weigh a hundred pounds and richie just wants to fucking be in bed. the kid is wearing his fucking robes even though they’ve been out of class for hours and he’s wearing this weird purse-thing around his waist cinches the waist of his robes and makes them look like some weird dress. richie pushes his glasses back up on his nose and tries not to show the kid how frustrated this fucking riddle has him. 

the small boy hums to himself, shifting his own books to his left arm so he can brush past richie and knock the knocker himself. 

“what always comes but never arrives?“ the eagle repeats and richie is so fucking sick of its metallic voice. 

“oh,” the boy says and richie knows what’s coming, it’s happened to him a thousand times. this is the moment when this fucking kid is going to make richie feel like a dumbass for not understanding the riddle despite being in the “smart” house. he squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his fists. 

but the kid doesn’t scoff and answer right away. richie opens his eyes one at a time. 

“that’s a hard one,” he says thoughtfully, and turns to richie to consider him. he looks patient, a little like he’s lying about how hard the riddle is, and richie is weirdly thankful. usually his peers make him feel stupid but this kid is looking at richie like he understands how much it kills richie to not know the answer. “but i think i might have it?”

richie gestures with a sweeping arm for the kid to get on with it. 

“tomorrow!” the boy answers in a confident voice and the door swings open dramatically. richie is so surprised by its opening that he doesn’t think to step out of the way and it slams into him at full force, knocking him backwards and making him drop all his books. his glasses fall off as his head whips back and richie feels a hand shoot out and grab his arm to keep him from falling backwards down the stairs. 

“you okay?” the kid yelps, hand holding onto richie hard. richie blinks, trying to see without his glasses and bends down to scoop up his books. they’re all big piles of blurry color and richie hazily sees the kid get down on his knees to help richie gather his scattered parchment. 

“here,” he hears and the kid thrusts his glasses into his hands. richie slips them on and one of the lenses is cracked, right in the middle of his vision and richie groans as the world is thrust back into clarity. this is also the hundredth time he’s broken his glasses. 

he stands, the kid handing him his books, and starts to enter the room. he’s tired and embarrassed and his glasses are broken and 

“wait,” the gryffindor says suddenly, and richie wants to ignore it but the kid’s voice is soft and welcoming. “let me fix your glasses, you can’t stumble around half blind or you’ll walk into the lake or a fire or another student or you’ll fall down the stairs and it’ll be my fault because i didn’t keep the door from hitting you,”

he’s rambling, talking a mile a minute, and it’s just cute enough that richie doesn’t do what his gut tells him, which is ignore him and slam the door shut in his face.

richie stops his rambling by slipping his glasses off and holding them out. the world is blurry but manageable, and richie doesn’t miss it when the kid reaches into the weird purse thing, his arm going further and further in past the point of possibility. richie’s eyes almost bulge out of his head and he rubs them to make sure he’s actually seeing this, and then the kid pulls his wand out of the bag, an object much longer than should have been able to fit. 

the kid notices richie’s look of surprise and explains, “i cast an extension charm on my fanny pack! now i can fit all kinds of stuff in here,” and then he’s tapping his wand on richie’s glasses and whispering repairio under his breath. 

there’s sizzling sound and then the gryffindor is handing richie’s glasses back to him. richie slides them over his nose and the world is clear again. 

“thanks,” richie makes himself say, and then he realizes he has no idea who even helped him, “what’s your name, kid?”

“eddie,” the boy answers and richie rolls it around on his tongue for a moment before nodding. 

“i’m richie,” he says in response. he starts to climb the stairs up to the common room and spins to see eddie still standing at the door. it’s not really against the rules for other houses to be in the ravenclaw common room but it is late enough at night that richie knows he should probably send him away. 

but eddie is looking at richie without the normal pity of someone who had to help richie in and without the digusted looks richie sometimes gets from his own housemates, the ‘who let this idiot in here’ glances that make richie feel two inches tall. eddie doesn’t judge richie for his inability to answer the riddle and that’s a feeling richie doesn’t get to experience often. 

he decides to break the rules, just this once, just to maybe see eddie smile.

“you coming in or not?” 

eddie grins at him, sharp enough that richie is surprised the kid isn’t actually a slytherin, and follows richie up the stairs. 

send me prompts/headcanons/requests!!!