#but i genuinely think its so obvious now
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Rewatched Far From Home the other day and gotta say- also if you havent seen it- spoilers ahead-
- knowing what I do about Fury and Peter and Tony and everyone that I didn't the first time around- its so obvious to me now that Fury is not actually Fury. Because Fury talks to Tony likeā¦ frequently. Theyāre good friends. Father-son. If it was really Fury, he would have probably remembered Beck from one of his and Tonyās chats- a dude who invented his therapy tech that he then fired for being unstable is probably not something Tony doesn't share. Also, Fury never talks someone down- especially not a teenager. Not to that degree at least. Hes a little harsh, sure. And he doesn't mince his words. But he doesn't criticize. And he doesn't lash out. (also he measures his words. Dude impersonating him spoke wayyy too much. Fury is more careful with everything he says) And when Beck said āfury sent me up here to talk to you, he felt badā i seriously believed that shit because it is something Fury would do. Anyway maybe its all just hindsight speaking now that I know its not really him but yeah.Ā
The only thing is the star wars reference and his threat to shoot the next person who interrupts him and peter. That was something i could actually see Fury doing.
#far from home#spiderman#peter parker#nick fury#avengers#the avengers#tony stark#spoilers#i just love them so much#fury and tony#and tony and peter#and all o that#maybe its just me reading into what i want#but i genuinely think its so obvious now#bc when i first watched it#i didnt know all the layers of fury and tony#and fury in general#and now i do#and i think its obvious#but maybe thats just hindsight#mcu#marvel
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can't stop thinking about how o'dog said mitch was auston's superpower and whipped out the technical fact that mitch is a right handed shot, which just makes it extra easy for him to pass right into auston's wheelhouse when he has the puck.... their play styles and strengths complement each others... it's so clear when both of them are out there they're always looking for each other and making themselves open for each other, and it's so funny to me that people have tried to say that they don't work well together longterm bc they're predictable and the league will catch on... meanwhile they're pulling off the same sorts of goals they were the second they were allowed to play together back in 19-20....... just.............. it never gets old.
#IT NEVER GETS OLD I LOVE U 1634#GOING THROUGH THIS ARCHIVING THING IS KINDA LIFECHANGINGGGG LIKE THEY ARE SO#genuinely the fact that they got attached to each other and now its so fuckdlsf obvious they always want to be the ones playing together#like PLEASE................ WHEN U FIND A PARTNERSHIP THAT WORKS N MAKES#ALL UR YEARS OF HARD WORK TO GET TO THE NHL FINALLY CLICK .....#when u decide u wanna build smth with someone else like that....#even hearing their little leadership voices during the belt hand offs like.. they are the leaders of this team its so crazyfhdjsl#to think abt them now vs them as rookies who didnt know what they were doing but who had each other#and dreamed with each other. and coped during hard times together and came up w little ways to feel better. remind themselves to have fun#who have gotten more n more private over the years bc they know how it can be weaponized against them to they love each other sm#but still never bat an eye at having to answer 493284923 complimentary questions abt each other either. hello.#anywya having a meltdown after a very hard and shitty day.. love u boys
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hey guys who wants another round of tmi
#ive been#this entire day has been a lot and i have no idea how to feel about it#i've never cried this much in an entire day and i can't stop myself from tearing up but it's not because of something sad or traumatic i'm#not used to being loved. or appreciated. or meant to feel like i belong anywhere. i've struggled with being excluded and ostracized and it#has been an uphill battle for a long time and deep down despite my many attempts to heal and get better i've always felt like something was#fundamentally wrong with me. it has been wrong with me from the start and whatever evidence to the contrary ive gotten was rationalised awa#by fluke or maybe people like me because of what i can provide and what i can do for them and not because of who i am and who i am will#always be tolerated or ignored at best and i genuinely was not expecting anyone but a few close friends to care about this and just. andjus#i think something in me is healing and it's still hard to accept but i can conceptualize it and any negative thought in my brain is being#countered by āhey why would you think that when people care about youā and i know it is obvious right. its something i should know but it#has always been so hard to believe that anyone would and the fact that it's hitting right now? i cant fucking stop crying#its almost fucking embarrassing im like this. im a grown ass adult. why the fuck am i still crying like this. i fucking hate trauma man#keeps making me feel like im that kid who was never loved in the ways that mattered. sorry im just#thankful. grateful. i feel like some parts of that gaping wound is stitching itself together and i cant stop crying and for once im not#crying because i'm being hurt. i'm just grateful to be here. genuinely fucking grateful that i'm alive#funny isnt it. how much love can save you if you let it#tmi#rant#embarrassed myself enough i think#sorry about that we'll go to our regularly scheduled ghoap program soon enough#i'll be okay
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Biting the bars of my enclosure about autistic ford tonight. There's something about him using vocabulary and turns of phrase that seem "outdated" or "pretentious" that feels so painfully genuine to me. When people say he talks like that just to "try to sound smart" I wish I could explain what it's like to be so ostracized from your peers growing up that you spend all your time reading instead, to the point where you pick up your way of speaking from books instead of from people. And then what it's like for people to call you out for "talking weird" over and over again, not able to wrap their heads around why the fuck you would choose more archaic or technical or formal words than the simpler ones that surely come to everyone's minds first. What it's like to have to dedicate a sizable chunk of attention to filtering through every single word you say out loud in real time before you say it, to make absolutely sure that it isn't a word people will judge you for using or make fun of you for using, just so you'll have a chance of being taken seriously. Learning through trial and error how to filter out the words that other people don't think are normal or casual enough for the conversation, even though for you, the word choice that's "natural-sounding" enough for them is the third or fourth word you came up with when searching for the right way to phrase something in your head. I wish I could explain just how long it takes to say fucking anything after spending a lifetime doing that during every single conversation, and how repetitive and long-winded you end up being when you spend so long coming up with alternative ways of saying every little thing you ever think. And I wish people realized that, at the very least for autistic people and autistic-coded characters, speech that's seen as pretentious is really just the way they talk when they're not putting in the extra effort to filter through every word they say just so others will take the time to listen.
#ford meta#actuallyautistic#everyone go read the wikipedia page for 'stilted speech' right now#long post#ford isnt very good at masking. he doesn't have the kind of (unintentional) autistic coding that is Palatable To Neurotypicals.#definitely looking-too-deeply-at-a-kid-cartoon right now but in *some* ways. a world where the majority of people think its easy to like an#-understand ford is a world that would feel safe for me to unmask in.#i truly truly hate that fully explaining my thoughts on ford requires me to say so much about myself. but god is it such a crime-#-to use a fictional character as a lens through which to try and explain to people how to be more understanding and accepting-#-of things like this.#making fun of stilted speech is so normalized that people don't even realize they're making fun of someone for being weird.#people think its Someone Thinking They're Better Than You but its something people lay awake at night wishing they could stop doing.#and yet they still end up using the Wrong Words and being labeled a Pretentious Asshole just for talking differently than the norm.#maybe there really are people out there who deliberately use big words to try and sound smarter than everyone else. I don't know.#all I know is. in a world where its pretty obvious that people who use a discongruently complex vocabulary get made fun of for doing that.#why would someone deliberately trying to impress people do something that would only get them laughed at.#sorry for being genuine on main. as if its my fault </3
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couldnt get this silly stupid crackship idea out of my head. doodle.
#au where instead of garroths toxic highschool partner being ivy its ein#anyways i had to get this idea out of my head so yall now have to see this#ein mystreet#ein aphmau#ein pdh#garroth ro'meave#garroth mystreet#phoenix drop high fanart#also if it wasnt obvious i do not genuinely ship them#at least not in the 'theyre so cute <3' way#maybe in a rewrite/au but canon? no#ein is a trash fire man i dont think you can ship him w any1 and expect it to end well#my art#my post#digital art#artists on tumblr#what the fuck is their ship namr#garrein#garroth x ein#aphblr#aphmau fanart
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big epiphany you guys. big. huge.
#cliffnotes for context: smute almost finish masters. smute think ohā maybe phd not crazy wacko shitā maybe i can try#but smute also low self esteem. with any small setback - smute think oh what is point. smute bound to fail#problem is: smute genuine self doubt = smute quotidian frustration#ok normal english now#so thats what i realized today. a lot of the ''small'' things i dream of (financial independenceā a nice little apartment etc) are#expressions of some low level frustration with my nomadic broke student life#rather than genuine desires. and as dumb or as#duh#obvious as that may sound rn#its actually huge for me that i was able to recognize the difference today#this question of what i will do after i graduate has been haunting me for the past year#and i am now realizing that a lot of my own arguments have nothing to do with what i want#just because they're things i don't currently have doesn't mean they would be fulfilling#and#again. duh.#but like. between this debilitating self doubt and certain external pressures š¤Ø it was hard to see the difference#anyway i basically just explored some alternative scenarios today#like specific scenarios. went on indeed found some really good stuff and tried to imagine my life a year from now if i took this or that jo#and the end result was that i fucking hated it. they were all great options on paper but the takeaway was that i would never forgive myself#if i didnt give this a try. if i prioritized some vague notion of independence or this idea of ''settling down'' or whatever the fuck#over the one thing that ive got going for me#like i still don't know if the academic path will be any more fulfilling than some other job#god knows my entire academic career so far has been an insane uphill battle. but it's also been so fucking rewarding. like nothing else#and i also still dont know how genuine this wish is#if it's not maybe still about proving myself to some imaginary authority#but like. how long can you psychoanalyze yourself before your goddamn head explodes#no matter how pure my motivation is im beginning to understand that i dont want this to be the end of the road#and maybe that's enough#&
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God. One of my little sisters is such a bitch. She's done me some genuine damage in exacerbating my already social bad anxiety. But when I have dreams where she's been hurt or killed, it's so horrible bc she's still my lil sister :-(
#its bc last night my dad had a dream she was in a car wreck. he transferred that anxiety onto me#shes such a bitch tho.just like intolerant of things she doesnt understand. and she does not understand my unwell brain#i think she likes my youngest sistsr best now. which fair bc i do too but we used to be besties. we used to explore in the woods together#and play ellos and barbies and legos and poly pockets and magnets. and now we never text eachother. its sorta sad#its not just me tho. my youngest sister and i have a 4 year gap so we weren't really interacting much when were were little bc she was too#bby to me but shes such a genuinely lovely person now. shes a special ed and preschool teacher. i asked her mom how she ended up with both#of my sisters bc my middle sister is the most like entitled person i kno. like my parents r very generous and she doesnt think for a moment#about not accepthing things from them. she thinks shes owed that amd more. its so strange#and my mom was like. thank goodness i got the youngest bc otherwise id think something was wrong with me#im prob somewhere in the middle of them. my brain is just more fucked up so like im greatful but im struggling. theres not a ton of like#really obvious mental illness in my family tho. just here and there someone should b diagnosed and get a bit of help. my uncle is the only#other one who could possibly be bipo1ar but hes also got a lot of problems: severe adhd and possibly b0rderline. so it could just b that but#my dad says when u talk to him sometimes things just doent make sense bc hes had convos in his head wuth you so he thinks u kno already#idk. its interesting tho#unrelated
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just went through all my ao3 fics and edited all the tags because i feel like i overtag a lot and it always bothered me. tbf the most overtagging happens in my relationship/character tags but i find it super difficult to judge who/which relationship is important. like friendships are So Important in my fics i dont feel like i cant tag less there? especially my longer fics. amtc james&sirius and black brothers are in my mind at least if not more important than literally amtc jegulus. i know its a jegulus fic but also jegulus is just the catalyst for other relationship dynamics. how do you tag that stuff
#honestly same with operation wanker#i finally put the wolfstar tag at the end of the relationship list#because genuinely when i first wrote the fic i debated leaving that out completely because i just do not focus on them At All#but considering theyre the very reason for the whole fic i couldnt not tag them#but james and sirius in operation wanker are as important to me as jegulus#and they go through a similar plot line of developing and changing so ?? yk???#idk how to tag i am really bad at it honestly#as you can tell i have exam season#hence me doing anything but the things i should be doing#hp#fic rant#i need a tag for general ramblings#i did take out a lot of character tags in a lot of my fics#like in some of them i literally now have a relationship tag but not the character tag which im also still not sure at#like on lies and spies still has the peter&marlene tag but it doesnt have a marlene tag anymore#and im still debating if i should also take the relationship tag out but also its important for peters actions??? idkkk man i am bad at thi#took out a lot of tags from amtc because i just felt it was too long overall#like i do think they were not completely unimportant but it was such a wall of text i felt a bit overwhelmed#tagging fics where its literally just 2 characters and theyre romantically/sexually involved is so much easier#like on high delight the tags make perfect sense because its very obvious what the focus is on#but i so seldomly write fics that are confined to just a ship (/) dynamic#maybe this is my arospec that ive been eyeing for the past 10 years and keep ignoring showing#i just care about writing relationships (&) so much more honestly#ok thats actually a lie im not tooo good with just platonic fics but i like writing romantic stuff in the context of friendgroups#i like characters having to keep secrets from the people they usually tell evrything to#love exploring characters finding out they have friendship boundaries they previously didnt know about#love writing about trust and and conflicting feelings and having to make choices#also lmao very iconic of me to have 5km of tags on a post of me saying i am prone to overtagging. really proving my own point here
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still having art thoughts but not actively making art so i will ramble into the void some more. i really like the way iāve begun to think about my art in the past few months. i feel like i used to be solely focused on āgetting betterā at art which is. not a bad thing but now i feel like iām using art as a way to explore ideas more and itās just really fun and works with how my brain works and i want to do this for the rest of my life. also along with that like making art with meaning behind it point iāve actually started titling my pieces which used to be a struggle and still is sometimes but i think iām getting the hang of it. iāve already named a piece iāve barely started. anywho. i love art sm
#remy rambles#iām calling my hand/star tapestry piece stigmata / spark of creation. both of those titles? i think? cause like.#its not obvious that itās meant to be inspired by the idea of stigmata so titling it that makes that clear and then spark of creation as#like a play off of like spark of creativity but using creation instead to tie back to the idea of divinity/holiness with the stigmata#so like. its a little sacrilegious but. i am a sucker for religious imagery and i can be a little blasphemous as a treat.#though with like. my use of religious symbolism in my art..itās not like purely being edgy about christianity itās more like repurposing#some ideas and visuals originating from it and tying it back to my own personal view of the world and what i could maybe call my religion?#although i donāt like defining my beliefs it makes me anxious. i do think so many things could be seen as divine such as making art#and the art i make related to those ideas comes from a very genuine place and i think a positive one much of the time#idk if any of that made sense. can you guys tell i had a weird relationship with the idea of god growing up. and now#remy rambles about art
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me doing the marriage thing with noah is very funny because the only reason I got here is that I slowly crawled my way through the stages of feelings that I go through which is typically making fun of them -> saying I like them and playing around with the idea of shipping with them but doing so in a self-deprecating way e.g. I'm not worthy of being happy so I'll dance around the subject -> waiting a year or longer to finally feel comfortable with saying I like them and that my feelings are valid -> rearrange ship lore to be more self indulgent and sometimes the very last step is to marry them so congrats noah you've gone up in the world (become fake husband)
#i just go through the five stages of grief with selfshipping LEGITIMATELY.#so now im like. going back into effies lore and figuring out where their relationship sits with vayne#which will be elaborated on in a bit (probably tomorrow morning) because no matter what if noah and effie are secretly wed or publicly wed#vayne will be soooo fucking seethy and still 'pining' after effie#but now its a matter of how long did noah and effie know eachother before they decide to elope. how long have they been wed.#need the details#bc it took vergil and gabriel like almost 30 years to tie the knot and aubrey and tommy was like 8.#so. you know. ill think about this tomorrow and maybe between brainstorming stickers ill write a little fic#i really do genuinely think that drace would love noah as her brother in law. they seem to be close in the game#i mean close enough to ship them together. i dont for obvious reasons but some people do and thats okay#bumping up effies age to 30 since im almost 30 and it makes the age gap between noah and effie not as weird (noah is 36)#im just. wehh.#next ill say caius and rowan are married for real just watch. maybe. idk. i think it would be funny if they did marry#like before ro gets hit with the crystal beam and in the early days of caius being yeul's guardian#so like TECHNICALLY even through space and time because its just ro being reincarnated or broken out of crystal#theyre still married in the eyes of the lord (etro) and caius fumes about it but ro forgets#THIS ISNT ABOUT THEM THOUGH FORGET YOU SAW ANYTJING#val.txt#otp: to be alone
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i just saw a set from a gifmaker i really admire that is very clearly a copy of a set i made and i don't know what to do š
#its just one gif but the whole concept makes it obvious#like man i always complain about this and even the ones i like do this#and its not a new set so i think it would be awkward if i brought it up just now#anyway genuinely this hurts a lot people please give credit!!
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local author is absolutely obsessed with raph and leo's relationship following the end of season 2 and is making it everyone's problem, more at 11!
#theyre so fascinating to me#let me pull up my notes on them so i can ramble like a crazy person in the tags#heres the thing. raph is the eldest sibling. its his job to keep his little brothers safe#and hes been the leader their whole lives. like they were clearly allowed to do whatever they wanted with little parental supervision#so it would be the most obvious and natural choice for the oldest to be the leader#and like clearly the others are on board (at least during canon events)#and leos the most supportive of raph and his leadership out of all of them. constantly hyping him up. even calling on mind raph#because leo trusts raphs judgement (more than his own id go so far as to say tbh)#(i genuinely believe that leo has always looked up to raph since they were very young.)#so i think leo would see him being promoted to leader as undeserved. unearned. it belongs to raph because hes always been there for them.#(~impostor syndrome babey)#meanwhile raph is struggling to find where he belongs on the team now that hes not the leader#i think raph would have liked to have someone guide him through being leader because its HARD!!! ur choices can and WILL have consequences#so hes trying to be that for leo. he tries to be there the way no one was there so that leo doesnt struggle the way raph did#and also its a good way to ignore having to process how HE feels about the demotion#bc it was so unexpected there would obviously be feelings of guilt and self-doubt and 'was i good enough'#and obviously raph isnt going to tell his brothers how hes struggling to find his place on the team now#because hes the oldest and the oldest sibling is the shoulder to lean on. not there to dump their insecurities on their little siblings#the problem is that leo isnt raph#and raph is so focused on helping leo and not dealing with his own stuff that he forgets that.#i think raph sees himself as the leader of the team and the smashy guy. the powerhouse#(i say that with the belief that raph is the HEART of the team btw. only he doesnt know that lmao)#leo himself is also projecting a little onto raph. like i really do believe he thinks raph hates him for 'stealing' his role#(its bullshit but like. brains are dumb sometimes so)#leo seeks out validation but ESPECIALLY raph's validation (like donnie tbh)#to leo a leader is someone you can count on. and he doesnt see himself as reliable#rottmnt#ataimw#rottmnt raph#rottmnt leo
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also sorry to say but john kramer and his dollsona jigsaw may be becoming a blorbo
#rewatched the first 2 movies n am onto the third now. may just put myself thru my own personal saw trap n watch them all djkghkjdf#if im feeling well enough gonna go out n try to see the new one tmr#ive heard decent things :)#snap snips#i cant say theres anything specific abt him ive attached to hes just living in my brain... the imagery. the 2000s era editing. you know.#hes just a weird funny guy <- talking abt a horror villain#GENUINELY EXCITED TO GET TO THE 5TH SAW TOO#it seems like a fun concept :) i see a lot of ppl shitting on it a lot but idk. i think its fun knowing things the characters dont#even if the Big Twist/Revelation is so so obvious dhgjkhdfkgh
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was scrolling on a taylor blog for fun taylor posts and saw the most heinous most factually incorrect most āall arabs are muslim terroristsā pro israel take im seething with rage i have never ever seen anything so blatantly wrong and disgusting. i do it to myself by venturing outside my dash literally never again
#and the nasty victimization āu will never know what its like to have to bury your dead or have to hide from missilesā so incredibly#deliberately tone deaf and ignorant. what do u think palestinians have been doing for the past 3 weeks. 70 years#(as well as other nearby countries but i digress) meanwhile this person also is safe and coddled at home watching tv lamenting closed theat#res bc of eras tour movie je jure this is batshit insane i genuinely didnt think ppl could be so. well whatever peace n love on planet earth#ok wait no im not done u get to bury your dead in dignified ways with funerals and traditional rites and MORE than enough sympathy to mourn#them meanwhile palestinians stick theirs in ice cream freezers (if they can find the whole body that is) AND they have to showcase it in#absolutely dehumanizing ways to prove that THEY deserve sympathy and humanity like this is morally depraved do you see the difference#(and god obviously any death is absolutely terrible im not contesting that. but one of them is dealt with much much more differently like th#difference between both āsidesā is so glaringly obvious and insane and inhumane its just appalling to see people still go OKAY WHAT ABOUT ME#AND MY TRAUMA. LOOK AT ME#anyway okay peace n love fr this time going to scroll on MY blog nowš„³
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going to sleep soon ļ½ let me get some things off my chest here.... my eyes are super itchy again (fell into the trap of snuggling my cat even when i swore i wouldn't do it again)
#cw vent#this is bc i have a math exam tmrw IāM SORRYYY i feel some kind of way about that#this is the first exam where i am near confident i will fail. and its just kinda sucky#my mental maths is really poor and due to the fact i skipped grades (unable to afford Education) i donāt know a lot of things my peers know#my results as they are right now? theyre genuinely ok. not bad. but theres still gaps made by the years of missing out on school#this is one of them#its so embarrassing having my classmate look at me weirdly when i ask her about something that should totally be obvious or#something silly like that. i donāt know. its especially hard for me to be interested in maths because my old maths teacher has#literally fucked me up iām so intimidated by every math teacher ever and i just hate the feeling of being stupid or whatever#i donāt enjoy being comforted by A+ students bc theyre like cmonn its totally fine!! i relate i got a 39/40 :(#or my friends who make jokes about how stupid i am and its just aghhh#its already been almost a year since ive enrolled in school again but i still feel so out of place#so miserable i could just die#so miserable i think i SHOULD die#and i'm just nervous about getting an absolute 0. failing my first test made me want to literally kill myself#sorry for being dramatic but when you have a sister whos awards and certificates fill your house shelf its kind of like........#aghhhh!!!! maybe i should just accept that i'm good for nothing at all!!!!!!#not that great with numbers or formulas. probably not that great at writing either. nor am i as eloquent as i'd like to be ļ½#not artistically inclined. science is a bore. not ~ naturally ~ adept with neither languages nor history! psychology! economics! sports!#forgive me for not being able to do anything good at all ... zzz
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Another thing I really like about myself is how much I appreciate and adore imperfections. And the more I value a person the more those imperfections become perfect for me
#miranda talking shit#Is that sappy? Probably but its the closest i can describe it. Like genuinely ... Many friends when i first met them i didnt think#They were my type or something but the more i got to know them the better they look to me. Magnus is a good example#I am not a fan of underbites. He has an pretty obvious one but now im like... That suits him so well hes handsome ā„#I like that i dont have to... Pretend to like something like that bc 9/10 times i will grow to do so. Even with things i dont usually like#Unfortunately most people probably dont believe me when i say it but yeah to me imperfections is so beautiful. I hate perfection in its#Orignal form. Nature isnt perfect thats why its so beautiful. Humans are the same thank you
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