#but i feel like the conversation warped as it went down the reply chain

[untitledgoosegay]

I'm very much in line with @darksorceror69 here. People not interjecting is why I wind up "monologuing," i.e. wandering in circles, because I'm waiting for someone to pick up what I'm putting down, and I'm receiving no indication that they've done so. I must not have made myself clear? I guess they don't understand me? I guess I'll do another loop around, and try to clarify my point ...

Neutral interjections ("Oh?" "Uh-huh?" "Yeah?") don't serve the same purpose as productive interjections. In the context I grew up with, those represent polite 'I want you to stop fucking talking but I can't outright say it' dismissal. Now, if you didn't grow up in a highly-interjective conversational context, that's probably not how you mean it, and I know that -- I moved from a highly-interjective context to a minimally-interjective one, and I've had to learn to adapt my conversational habits to both -- but not everybody's been dunked into an alternate conversational culture, and not everybody will have learned to recalibrate. And that is a common meaning those interjections have.

(The exception is when a line of conversation is just starting, and momentum/topic hasn't been established yet; a neutral interjection at the very beginning of a conversational topic signifies 'yes, i'm paying attention to what you're about to say.' But if that continues without more active mirroring/reflection, I'm going to feel like my conversational partner has never really checked in, and isn't listening to me.)

To me, it is rude when -- it feels like -- someone is putting the bare minimum effort into the conversation, and shrinking away from making their own contributions, no matter how hard I try to signal friendliness and invitation. It's frankly upsetting! Even my most genuine, honest attempts to communicate and connect with people are seen as hostility and aggression!

I don't have a good solution for this, but I don't think "so everybody default to passive non-interjection" is a good blanket answer.

I feel as though in the past few years it's becoming more common for me to be interrupted while I'm speaking, and I can't help but wonder if more people are losing a sense of conversational rhythm due to communicating more and more digitally and less and less in person.

When you communicate digitally you don't have to worry about finding the natural rhythm of the conversation, you're not taking away someone else's ability to finish their thought or make their point if you send a message to them while they're still typing. I'm not here to scare monger about the kids and their phones, but it's important that you don't let your skill of finding a conversational rhythm, if you have that skill, atrophy, lest you speak over someone and take away their ability to complete their thought and make their point.

But I also realize that it's really important to specify what I mean by interrupting someone.

When someone says that interrupting is really normal and not considered rude in their community or culture, what they're actually talking about is what's known in linguistics as "cooperative overlap", that or simultaneous talking. Here's an example of cooperative overlap and/or simultaneous talking that you might see in a culture where this is normal and acceptable:

Person A: So guess where I went today? I went to the -

Person B: Oh let me take a wild guess! You went to the shoe store again didn't you?

Person A: That's right, and I got a -

Person C: Oh come on, don't tell you got another pair!

Person A: You know it baby!

Now let's compare that to a different style of interruption, what I like to call "steamrolling"

Person A: So guess where I went today? I went to the -

Person B: UGH did you guys catch the game last night?

Person C: Yeah the refs sucked!

Now, what differences can you see between the first example, aka "cooperative overlapping" vs the second "steamrolling" example?

For one, in the first example Person A is still allowed to make their point, tell their story, and finish their thought. They're not being silenced or completely derailed, and most importantly their conversation partners still seem interested and engaged in what they have to say. In the second example, Person A is being completely derailed and stripped of their chance to finish their thought and make their point, which is unfair to Person A, which is what makes "steamrolling" disrespectful even in many cultures and communities where "cooperative overlapping" would be acceptable.

Now, conversational overlap isn't for everyone, and that's okay, but it makes it awkward and tricky when someone from a community or culture that uses conversational overlap talks to someone who is from a culture that doesn't. For example:

Person A: So the other day I went to -

Person B: Oh my god did you go to that one store?

Person A: Um, no, I went to the movies, and I saw -

Person B: OH did you see that new creepy movie about the aliens?

Person A: No, can I please just finish my story?

Person B: Oh, uh, sorry

Neither person will probably feel great after this conversation. And I'm not here to condemn either conversational styles. I understand why some people see cooperative overlap as a more engaging and exciting conversational style, but I also understand why some people find it frustrating. My mother's family has a cultural background big on conversational overlap, but my father's side of the family ehhh not so much, so I personally grew up seeing these two conversational styles clash a lot.

If you're person A in the above conversation who doesn't like conversational overlap, that's totally fine, I'm personally not a big fan of it either only because I have a terrible memory, so when someone disrupts my flow I usually end up completely forgetting what I want to say. Just try to recognize the difference between cooperative overlap vs steamrolling. If someone is just trying to cooperatively overlap with you, patiently and politely tell them something along the lines of "sorry I have a terrible memory so if I don't finish I'll forget what I'm trying to say". But it's generally a good idea to be more patient and understanding with conversational overlap than steamrolling.

If you're someone who cooperatively overlaps and you encounter someone who isn't a fan of it, try not to take it personally, maybe like me they have a horrible memory and will forget what they're trying to say if they get side tracked.

But what I meant earlier about conversational rhythm is that too often a lot of interrupting comes from not realizing the other person wasn't finished speaking.

For example, personal A wants to say "so the other day I went hiking, and I saw a fox" some people might not recognize when person A is actually finished speaking, typically they assume as soon as they've heard a complete clause that means the thought is finished, so the conversation goes like

Person A: So the other day I went hiking -

Person B: OH I went hiking a few weeks ago with my girlfriend but it was so slippery out!

Person C: Oh how is your girlfriend doing by the way?

Person B: She's doing great! How's your partner doing?

Do you see how this style of interruption, unlike cooperative overlap, also derails Person A and deprives Person A of a chance to finish what they want to say? It's not quite steamrolling, and often just comes from a lack of rhythm or understanding. As a general rule, if you want to avoid interrupting someone, pause for a few seconds after you think they're finished in case they aren't actually finished. This way you avoid accidentally depriving someone of the chance to finish what they want to say and completing their thought.

We should never be too eager to assume someone has finished making their point because you never know what someone might actually be trying to say, and if you cut someone off before they make their point you can miss important context. For example:

Person A: I don't think I see stray cats here -

Person B: AHA BULL FUCKING SHIT! I totally saw a stray cat the other day!

Person A: I was going to say as much as in other places if you had let me finish?

Or:

Person A: I hate when it's hot out. When I was a kid it was usually around 25 or 30 degrees Celsius in the summers -

Person B: OH come one don't be such a wimpy little baby! 25-30 degrees isn't even that warm! I've totally seen WAY hotter summers than that!

Person A: Uh, that's what I was going to say if you'd let me finish, the summers were pretty mild when I was a kid, but they're a lot hotter now . .

Do you see how in both conversations Person B was too eager to assume Person A had finished making their point and ended up missing important context? If person B had only paused and waited for Person A to finish making their point, they wouldn't have ended up making an ass of themselves to put it frankly. This style of interruption can make you come across as eager to dominate and "one up" other people, which frankly a lot of people find obnoxious and exhausting. This is different than cooperative overlapping because it comes from a place of wanting to correct or one-up your conversation partner, rather than play and/or build into what they're saying, which is why I'd argue it's closer to steamrolling.

Good conversational rhythm ideally means everyone is allowed to finish their thought and make their point, whether or not that includes overlapping or even simultaneous talking. If you're not sure someone has finished their thought, pause a few seconds to make sure they've had the chance to complete their thought, less you miss important context. OR, if you do interject, it should be about building/playing into what they're saying rather than derailing/steamrolling them.

What's important to keep in mind is that it's often a matter of power and respect when someone is or isn't allowed to finish their thought and make their point. If someone is unable to finish their thought or make their point before getting steamrolled, they're going to feel like their input to the conversation isn't valued or important, and that's never a good feeling.

[caltropspress]

FEEDBACK LOOP #6: Cargo Cults’ “Rammellzee”

Since these symbols and all symbols are drawn, infinity’s separation from all symbols must be shown through drawing. The only proof of such a separation of the infinity would be the understanding by the majority of the planetary peers. There is no other way.

—from IONIC TREATISE GOTHIC FUTURISM ASSASSIN KNOWLEDGES OF THE REMANIPULATED SQUARE POINT’S ONE TO 720° TO 1440° THE RAMM-ΣLL-ZΣΣ (1979, 2003)

The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.

—from Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland

Riding among an exhausted busful of Negroes going on to graveyard shifts all over the city, she saw scratched on the back of a seat, shining for her in the brilliant smoky interior, the post horn with the legend DEATH. But unlike WASTE, somebody had troubled to write in, in pencil: DON’T EVER ANTAGONIZE THE HORN.

—from Thomas Pynchon’s The Crying of Lot 49

1.  I walk down the street and people look at me and say, “Who the hell are you?”

Cargo Cults (Alaska and Zilla Rocca) begin their track “Rammellzee” with the voice of the some-16 billion-years-old being himself. The song is an ode, an invocation. The organ sample provides a bizarre ride: a carousel of colors. We immediately plummet—into a well, a subway tunnel, a cosmos of linguistics. Not a nonchalant That’s deep, but a depth of knowledge where “cipher” means code, means Supreme Mathematics, means gathering with your rapfolk outside the Nuyorican Poets Cafe or in Washington Square Park: a deep connection. Mimicking Rammellzee, Alaska presents the listener with “swirling pages / forming mazes of [his] formulations” and subsequently “break[s] them down into a form that’s shapeless.”

2.  Hip-hop is ageist….In blues, you ain’t official until you fifty. (Ka, Red Bull Music Academy interview with Jeff Mao, 2016)

The phrase …of a certain age has, historically, been used euphemistically to describe someone (typically a woman) who has existed for a “shameful” tally of years. Society is still undoing the stigma, but rappers have made strides.

In Adult Rappers, a 2015 documentary directed by Paul Iannacchino (Hangar 18’s DJ paWL), Alaska is [accidentally?] presented twice in the closing credits—like a double, a separate persona—which calls to mind the multiple personalities of Rammellzee: Crux the Monk, Chaser the Eraser, Gash/Olear, et cetera. Age allows for maturation, for building, for bettering. In Rammellzee’s case—and I’d argue Alaska’s—it allows for complexity to emerge organically through wisdom. It allows for reinvention, for many versions of one’s self. Age and development is how an aerosol can with a fat cap can graduate to customized deodorant roll-ons and shoe polish canisters.

It begins with jerry-rigging a nozzle and ends in diagramming a “harpoonic whip launcher/pulsating extendor” to illustrate the deconstruction of letter-formations in the English alphabet. The spirit of experience pervades the Nihilist Millennial album. As anyone who has ever sat on the couch knows, communication can also improve with age.

3.

Artists and rappers like Rammellzee and Alaska rely on wild-styles, a self-made world that warps quantum physics and disregards notions of dimensionality. It’s dream-vision. It’s liberation. It simultaneously celebrates and critiques communication: like the image of a muted horn.

“Communication is the key,” cried Nefastis. “The Demon passes his data on to the sensitive, and the sensitive must reply in kind. There are untold billions of molecules in that box. The Demon collects data on each and every one. At some deep psychic level he must get through…”

“Help,” said Oedipa, “you’re not reaching me.”

“Entropy is a figure of speech, then,” sighed Nefastis, “a metaphor. It connects the world of thermodynamics to the world of information flow. The Machine uses both. The Demon makes the metaphor not only verbally graceful, but also objectively true.”

[…]

Nefastis smiled; impenetrable, calm, a believer.

The wordplay seems just that: play—that is, until you find the thread. Alaska cobbles together words like rubbish, W.A.S.T.E. Words appear daisy-chained together—flowery, ornate, and strung together by their stems: “fatalism, Fela Kuti, razor thin” / “smash the superstitions with acid tabs and some Sufi visions” / “deep dive Sonny Liston” / “Walt Whitman.”

The track reads like a codex. Something crafted in a scriptorium. His words are warfare—double-tracked/double-barreled—and he slips into braggadocio to prove it. It’s an authoritative posture of experience. Having started atomically small—from Breaking Atoms bedroom listening, to Atoms Family—Alaska’s flow presents nuclear now: maximum damage.

There’s a refinement to what this duo is doing: “Me and Zilla well-established with a lavish vision. / Both hands crusty with Ikonklastic Panzerism.” The boasts rely on royal diction: Camelot, palace doors, Prince Paul. Each man a king, a God, and each one should teach one. Mentor texts for the masses.

4.  

Rammellzee is an equation, And simply stated it’s the way of life I’m chasing. That’s why I praise the future-Gothic future-prophet. Gotta rock it, don’t stop it, Gotta rock it, don’t stop.

You find diversions on the song, exits into familiar chambers. GZA quotations (“I was the thrilla in the Ali-Frazier Manila”) and allusions to Main Source. Large Professor rapped “Dead is my antonym,” and if that’s to be proven true, money needs to be removed from the equation. The refrain of “Gotta rock it” not only calls to mind “Beat Bop,” Herbie Hancock, and Grand Mixer DS.T (or his later incarnation, DXT), but rockets—Afrofuturist angles, future shocks (Bill Laswell [Material], friend to Rammellzee, had a hand in all this). It’s not so much a “future-prophet” as a “future profit.” “Freedom in the process” means creativity without expectation, without the constraints of market value.

Alaska gives it to us straight: “I don’t care if you don’t like it, and I don’t care if you don’t buy it / ’Cause I find freedom in the process.” Despite becoming increasingly complex in his visual approach—like a heap of garbage that loses the definition of its component parts over the ages—Rammellzee understood time equals clarity of vision. A wasted world becomes a meaningful one. Of course, we got to pay rent, so money connects, but ownership of one’s art is about empowerment. “Selling out” is the opposite—an evisceration of one’s self and spirit. “We lost control from the second we sold the art,” Alaska raps. “We sold our future….We should be seeking enlightenment.”

The moment arrives, epiphanically: “I find freedom in the process so I’m grateful, / And that’s my main source: it’s my friendly game of baseball.” For Alaska and Zilla Rocca, it’s not a job—it’s a passion, a pastime.

5.  Nascent imagination deep inside a battle station.

Post-9/11 meant luxury apartments displaced Rammellzee’s Battle Station loft, his living museum. But the art has been excavated and exists posthumously. His Gothic Futurism and Ikonoklast Panzerism seem at home archived on the internet—a network that appears more like a chaos cloud. Rammellzee deconstructed and transcended language—junk monk scripts and calligraphic cut-ups of consumerism. His art is the empowerment a recycling arrow-triangle could only hope to be. Recycle is also rebirth. Rammellzee’s career path is circuitous, deep-tunneled (subway-esque), eternal.

Similarly, Alaska’s multisyllabic patterns are an endless barrage, like weaponized letters tilted sideways, like bottle rockets angled into a bottle’s neck: “Armament / Now my names are built like a BattleBot / Locked inside an ad hoc Camelot, I rather not / Tangle with a rabid lot, hop inside a rabbit hole.”

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice “without pictures or conversations?”

Boredom can make trouble, but boredom can also breed creativity. Alaska rather not spar with trolls under ISP bridges—though he’s equipped to. Instead, he channels his energies into material.

6.  Our culture is done. We lived it.

Near the end, Alaska paraphrases Rammellzee: “I’m not the first or the last to don the mask. / I see it as a title, I’m monastic with these raps.”

Living a life of art—making it regardless of accolade or monetary payment—is the highest form of creativity. Live the art and die by it, like Stan Brakhage, poisoning himself at a slow pace as he applied toxic dyes to celluloid film. Like Rammellzee executing graffiti pieces maskless, huffing the carcinogenic fumes.

MF DOOM (née Zev Love X)—a Rammellzee descendant—taught us how to revel in anonymity, the importance of not spotlighting yourself, but instead seeking out the shade, secret passageways, and the trapdoor in the stage floor. Not all of us heed the advice, but some do, and they feel the throb of real success, not the sort that shows up in bank statements and 401(k) plans.

Images:

“Beat Bop” test pressing, Rammellzee and K-Rob, art by Jean-Michel Basquiat, 1983 (detail) | Rammellzee black-and-white portrait photograph (unknown) | Ikonoklast Panzerism diagram from IONIC TREATISE GOTHIC FUTURISM ASSASSIN KNOWLEDGES OF THE REMANIPULATED SQUARE POINT’S ONE TO 720° TO 1440° THE RAMM-ΣLL-ZΣΣ (1979, 2003) | Page 34 (muted post horn) in Thomas Pynchon’s The Crying of Lot 49, Bantam Books edition (1966) | “A scribe at work,” from an illuminated manuscript from the Estoire del Saint Graal, France (Royal MS 14 E III c. 1315-1325 AD) | Herbie Hancock, Future Shock cassette cover (1983) | Grand Mixer D.ST comic book image (unknown) | Stan Brahage at chalkboard (unknown) | Stan Brakhage, Mothlight celluloid (1963) | “Beat Bop” test pressing, Rammellzee and K-Rob, art by Jean-Michel Basquiat, 1983 (detail)

[esbarnes]

Distance

Part 8.

We all have battles to fight. Some we win and others we loose. It was starting to feel like I was losing all of them and the only option left was to give up the ghost completely. Things had changed so much and I was starting to believe that I had really lost him all together. Maybe it was time to let go of the place and people who no longer needed me. 

Eilene’s pov

I remembered the pain mostly. I could still feel the way it slithered like a snake in my body. When I finally passed out I went somewhere to some otherness. It must be my subconscious but it also felt exactly like the werewolf bonds. I was in a forest with tall pine trees and a golden sun low in the sky. My hand shot up to my stomach and as I lifted my now clean shirt up there was nothing there. No stab wound. I did however notice an assortment of cords tied to me. - Those must be the bonds - I thought. A golden cord was wrapped around my left foot keeping me steady and I knew it represented Randall. Next I saw one that was a thin piece of black leather wrapped around my right thigh. It looked like it had been stretched - Lilith - I said. She was there but very far away. Next I noticed a silver chain around my left wrist and knew immediately that it was Jack. It was shiny and new. Then I realized the rose colored ribbon fitted around my ribs. I rubbed my hand over it and it light up a little. - Hamish -. I could feel all of them and I hoped that they could feel me. 

Back at the Den

Randall occupied himself one the couch reading one of his premed books with his legs up when he started rubbing his left ankle. Nothing was bothering it really, it had just gotten warm. 

Jack was talking to Alyssa out on the porch and he kept fiddling with his right hand wrist. She noticed and said - Jack, what is going on with your hand?”she was obviously frustrated with him. “It’s nothing, just an itch.” he said and they continued their conversation. 

Somewhere in the demon realm, the only thing Lilith had to hold on to was dark leather cord tied around her right thigh. It was pulled taunt but she would not it let go. Something told her it was her life line and she could not give that up. 

Upstairs in his room leaning back in an old leather chair next to his bed, was Hamish. He had leaned his head back so that he could keep an eye on the sleeping Eilene in his bed. One hand was propped up on the arm of the old chair and the other resting just under his chest along his ribs. That area had felt warm to him which seemed odd but he left hand there anyway. When they all had gotten back to the den, he had Alyssa help get Eilene cleaned up while he found some of his sweats for her to sleep in. He didn’t know why but he needed her to smell like him, It calmed him and Tundra, who had been very uncooperative these last few days. 

It had almost been two days since she passed out from Vera healing her. Hamish had decided that everyone needed to stay close to home until she woke up and they figured out what to do about Lilith. Eilene didn’t know about Lilith so when she woke up to them being happy that she was alive, she would also learn that Lilith had been sucked into a demon realm and the knights at present were trying to find out how to get her back. All he knew is that he needed her to wake up. Needed to see her deep green eyes and hear her laugh or say his name. He knew that she was something special to him but every time he thought about it too long his mind would wander. By now he knew enough about Magic to know that some practitioner had gone to great lengths to keep her from him and now he wouldn’t stop until he knew who and why. He was also going to keep her as close to him as possible. That was something that both he and Tundra could agree on. 

Eilene’s pov

Still in my forest I felt eyes on me and when I looked up to the hill in front of me I saw a beautiful red wolf. The wolf made it’s way down to me and rubbed it’s head into my stomach. I leaned down to rub her fur when she licked my face. - Red - I said. I leaned my head toward hers when I heard her in my mind “it’s time to wake up now. they need you, HE needs you.”  Her voice was a whisper but I could feel it echo throughout my whole body. “I don’t know how I got here or how to get back.” I said. “Yes you do, Think of home, think of him and you will be.” I closed my eyes to do just that - “Wait how can I get back here if I need to” I said. “You’ll know when you need it.” Was all she said. Then I thought of home and Hamish. 

Hamish had been sitting by her side since they got back and had slept off and on for only a few hours at a time. He was just about to shut his eyes again when he noticed Eilene was starting to move. knitting her eyebrows together she took in a breath and then opened her eyes. She found him immediately. “Hi.” She whispered.” he was out of his chair and siting on the bed next to her in seconds.  “Hey” he said as he laced his hand with hers. “How do you feel?” he asked. I lifted myself a bit to sit up against the headboard still holding his hand. "A little stiff and I have this wired taste in my mouth.” Hamish reacted quickly. “Ah this is for you” he said as he handed me a glass of water from the bed side table. I drank the whole glass and thanked him. My fingers wiggled a bit noticing we were still holding hands. He was looking at me with something unreadable in his eyes then he said “You really scared me there for a moment.” Then he looked down at our hands and my eyes followed his. I squeezed his hand and I could tell his lips formed a small smile. “I didn’t mean to scare you, but it does seem that everything worked out and Rogwan is gone.” I replied. With that he looked up and was searching my eyes. “In a manner of speaking and yes he’s gone.” 

There was a weird tension building and I couldn’t figure out what was really causing it. I told him I needed a moment and he let my hand go so I could go to the bathroom. When I opened the bathroom door to come back out he was still sitting on the bed but when he saw me his whole body stilled and I could see his jaw clench. I was just about to ask him what was wrong when I notice that his eyes had started to lightly glow. I realized that both he and Tundra were looking at me. I slowly walked back to the bed and sat down in front of him. He hadn’t said anything but his eyes roamed all over me. Finally his eyes came back to my face as he took one of my hands back into his. His other hand came up to touch my neck and slide slowly up to cup my check. I didn’t know what to do or feel. I kept searching his face for a sign that could tell me what he was thinking. He bit his lip and then said “I have missed you.” 

That caught me off guard. I grabbed his wrist of the hand that was on my cheek and he finally looked into my eyes. I could only whisper “you remember?” His eyes were lightly rimmed with Tundra’s glowing ones and then he said “I know, but I don’t exactly remember. I can’t remember the exact details but I know that my memories of you have been messed with. It didn’t really set in until I saw you get stabbed and a few things clicked.” I could feel my eyes start to water and I let out a shaky breath. I hand to look down, anywhere but his face. I was still so close but yet a million miles a way. 

Hamish’s pov

I hadn’t intended to make her upset. So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment, the only thing I wanted to do since I'd woken up outside the house but didn’t know her. I brought my lips to hers and kissed her. I could feel her tears fall against my check and her hand grip my wrist. But I kept kissing her. She pulled away by a mere inch and let out a sigh. I let go of her hand and warped my arm around her waist to pull her into my lap. Just as I did so her free hand reached to the neckline of my shirt to pull me toward her and she kissed me back. I removed my hand from her cheek to wrap around her waist and up so that I could tangle my fingers in her hair. I wanted her as close to me as was possible. Her hands came up to either side of my face to pull me even closer. My hands started to roam all over her and when she said “Wait Hamish wait.” It came out in huffs but then she continued “If you don’t remember then maybe we shouldn’t.” I took in her face, her cheeks flushed and eyes bright searching my face. She smelled like me and I could feel Tundra move underneath me. “Ours” He said. I pulled her hips closer mine and said “what ever we had was is still there I can feel it. I want to make new memories with you and I want you now........If you’ll have me.” She stilled in my arms and said “Are you sure?” I ran a hand along her thigh and then up to her cheek then said “Yes.” I gave her a moment to stop me but when she didn’t I pulled her into another kiss. 

This time she did not hesitate, her lips opened and I slipped my tongue in, which drew the faintest moan from her. I needed more of her so I rolled us over and pinned her to the bed with my hips. This time I kissed her long and deep while her arms snaked around to my back. Then I slowly kissed down her jaw and neck. She was squirming underneath me and her breathing was heavy. “While seeing you in my clothes has been driving my crazy since I put you in them, I would very much like to take them off now.” Eilene nodded and then said “Wait, you dressed me and not Alyssa?” I brought my face back up to hers and kissed her lips once “Yes.’ I kissed her again “I.” Another kiss but this time she smiled against my lips “Did.” another kiss. This had her laughing. “And I would very much like to relieve you of them now.” I finished She leaned up and kissed me this time. Her hands reached for the hem of my shirt and said “You first.”

They each made quick work of their clothes. Hamish began to place kisses everywhere on her body but when he got to where her stab wound should have been he ran his nose along the area and then bit down. Eilene moaned at this and he kissed the area again before making his way back to her lips. As he kissed her, he slid inside her and they both let out a groan. Hamish started to move slowly, then more forcefully and her hips met him each time. It was bliss. She was close he could feel it. She was tightening around him and her fingers were digging into his back. Hamish leaned his head in to kiss her neck while he changed his pace to push into her harder. This had her huffing out his name “Hamish” and he lost it. 

That night Hamish slept on the right side of the bed with Eilene tucked into his side. For the first time since meeting her again, both he and Tundra felt at ease and peaceful. 

Part 9. Coming soon

[trashforhockeyguys]

Need The Sun-5- Tyler Seguin

A/N: Get ready for a nice little emotional rollercoster. But in a good way?? I think.

Bad- James Bay

“Mommy! Come on! Stop walking so slow!” Ella tugged on your arm to try and get you to move faster.

 You laughed and slowly picked up your pace. Ella wouldn’t stop until both of you were inside and ready for whatever movie Tyler picked. Normally, you didn’t come to movie nights, Tyler would come pick her up and bring her back in a few days, this time, however, Tyler asked if you wanted to come. Apparently, he was having some of the other guys over and thought it might be good for you to get out of the house.

 You hadn’t done much in the last week, especially not when you were still trying to live off of caffeine. Although, the energy drinks and sodas were starting to fail you. Now it was just about trying to stay awake long enough to get through the day, and still have enough energy for Ella when it was over.

 “Uncle Jamie!” She let go of you and ran to Jamie, who was standing just inside the door.

 “Little bug! Have you gotten bigger? Huh? I swear you’ve grown another foot!” Jamie joked.

 “No silly!”

 “No?” He gasped, “Seggy! What are you feeding my little niece when she’s here?”

You loved that Jamie really did consider himself Ella’s uncle. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t really family. He and Jordie loved her just as much as they’d love their own family. It made you happy, having no real siblings of your own, for her to have so many aunts and uncles. Between Tyler’s sisters and his team, she had more than enough people in her corner.

 “She just eats her veggies, right Ella May?”

 She nodded excitedly, “Mmhm! Veggies make you strong! Strong means I can play hockey!”

 “Alright, I’m stepping in before you completely turn her into a little hockey player,” You joked.

 “Hey,” Tyler smiled softly when he realized you were there, “Was the drive over okay?”

 “Yeah, hardly any traffic for once.”

 Jamie reached over to give you as good of a hug as he could with Ella in his arms. You didn’t realize you were playing with your old necklace until Jamie gave you a little look. Quickly, and hopefully, before he or Tyler realized what was now held on the chain, you tucked it back under your shirt. The necklace itself was passed down by your grandmother, but what now hung on that chain was something more important to you. Something that weighed heavy against your chest. Something you’d prefer to keep a secret from both of the men in the room.

 “Well, Y/N, do you want a drink or anything?” Tyler asked, “The rest of the guys should be getting here soon.”

 You took a shaky breath; a drink would be good. You’d probably need a few to get through a movie night with all of them, even if it was probably going to be a Disney movie for Ella. They’d still find a way to make sly comments here and there or just act like four-year-olds too.

 “A drink would be nice, yeah.”

 Jamie set Ella back down, “Little bug, why don’t you go play until the other guys get here?”

 Next thing you knew, she was bolting down the hall towards her room, three dogs right on her heels. They wouldn’t leave her side when she was around. Her three little bodyguards, who would probably stop anyone from hurting her if they had to.

 Tyler handed you a glass of wine not long after. You tried not to jolt at the feeling of his hand brushing yours. You tried to ignore the feeling that spread through you, the way you could almost feel his hand still ghosting over yours. One touch, one innocent touch, was almost enough to break you down again.

 “Thanks,” You had to keep yourself from drinking the whole glass in that instant.

 Maybe you should’ve. But you knew one glass was all you could have. You had to look after Ella, and you would in no way, allow yourself to get any type of drunk around the team. You’d learned your lesson from over the years. Not to mention you weren’t sure if you’d make it if you had to spend another night in this house, in a bedroom as far away from Tyler as you could get. Anywhere else you’d be fine, but not under this roof. You wouldn’t be able to keep yourself together.

 In fact, you were already struggling. Part of you felt like you were stuck in a time warp. Maybe if you closed your eyes, you could see what it was like before again. A night off, with Tyler and Jamie, sitting around watching movies and drinking. This would’ve been a normal night.

 “What movie are we watching Segs?” Jamie asked.

 “Uhh she wanted to watch Miracle,” He shrugged, “So, looks like hockey.”

 “Wait, really? I can never get her to watch it with me,” You were shocked.

 You’d grown up on Miracle, or the story of it at least. You’d gone to see the movie in theaters and watched it all the time in your younger years. In the last year, you’d tried to get Ella to sit through it with you because you figured she’d like it, but she always refused. Saying she’d rather watch Mona again.

 “Yeah, we watched that and all three Mighty Ducks the other week,” He replied, “She loves them.”

 You tried not to feel upset. They were just movies. But it was another thing you were missing out on. You knew that both of you were missing out on little milestones in her life. But you also knew that he missed out on a lot more. So, while you were happy that he was able to be there for little things like a movie, you couldn’t help but hurt a little because it wasn’t you.

 “She also asked if we could watch Beauty and The Beast since it’s your favorite.”

 “She did?” You questioned.

 He shrugged like it was no big deal, “She said that movie always makes you happy. And she likes it when you sing along with her. Plus, it did use to be  tradition that we’d watch that with her every weekend, and then Slapshot after she went to bed.”

 You found yourself pulling at the collar of your shirt, just above where your necklace stopped. Suddenly you felt like you were intruding on something. Almost like you’d lost the right to be here. Leaving now wasn’t an option, you wouldn’t be able to go until the night was over, but you needed a minute to gather yourself.

 You needed to get outside, for just a second. Just to be away from both of them, so you could collect yourself. Maybe try to turn off your emotions, or at least force this feeling down. Between the feeling in your gut, the ache in your heart, and the way he was looking at you, you were sure you were going to die right there.

 “Shit, Ella left Bear Bear in the car and you know she won’t sit through a movie without him,” You explained, “I’ll be back.”

 You tried not to run, god did you try. But you could feel your chest tightening and your lungs fighting for air. You couldn’t figure out why tonight was so hard. Maybe it was because it was so familiar. Hockey games were easy because you could focus on something else, and you’d love hockey no matter what.

 You leaned against your car, resting your arms on the roof. You tried to slow your heart and your breathing. You tried to convince yourself that whatever just came over you wouldn’t happen again. You wouldn’t let it, you were in control. Whatever was going on, you could get through it and get through the night.

 You could ignore the way he looked at you. The hurt mixed with something else, something that rocked you and terrified you. You should be happy that the two of you could be in the same room together, have normal conversations together. You wanted that for Ella. But the selfish part of you wished he’d move on, or that he’d just hate you and be done with it. Sure, it would hurt, but in some ways, it would hurt less than whatever he was feeling.

You took a few more seconds, letting the cool air shock you back into reality. You couldn’t get shaken up like this. Not only did you not have the right to, but you couldn’t let anyone see you like this, much less Ella. Never mind the fact that you felt like you could go to sleep already, that was nothing new. You could play off being so tired, but this was something different.

 You knew you needed to go back in before one of them came out to find you. You knew they would if you stayed out here too long. But you didn’t want to move, it was almost like all of your energy was ripped from you. The simple interaction of a conversation left you with nothing to give.

 Somehow, you forced yourself to take a step back and open the car door. Bear Bear was in the seat right next to Ella’s car seat. She’d been too excited to get inside that she’d completely forgotten about him, which was unusual for her. She normally always had him in her hand.

 You sighed and grabbed the stuffed bear. She hadn’t let you take off the jersey yet, at this point you weren’t sure if she ever would. You hugged the bear to your chest and played with the fur. You had to find the strength to go back in there. The other guys would be coming soon and you couldn’t keep hiding outside.

 “Jamie you can’t- you don’t even know that,” You heard Tyler stammer once you opened the door.

 “Dude, have you seen her necklace?”

 “It’s her grandmother’s ring. Always has been, she got it as a teenager.”

“No, that ring was golden. I saw two silver bands. Tyler, I’m telling you, she still has them.”

 Your hand shot up to your necklace. The weight of the rings seemed to double. How did Jamie know? You never pulled them out from under your shirt, and surely you didn’t pull your necklace enough for him to realize what was on it.

 Your heart rate picked up. Tyler knew you still had the rings. You’d tried to give them back to him during the whole process of the divorce, but he kept telling you to keep them. Time after time he told you they were yours and that you could do whatever you wanted with them.

 At first, you put them in the very back of a drawer you hardly opened. You didn’t want to see them, seeing them made you feel sick. But then, part of you wanted something as a reminder. You wanted to remember all of the love and the dreams those two rings represented. So, you slid them into the same chain that held your grandmother’s ring.

 You didn’t tell anyone. The last thing you wanted was for everyone to know that you still wore your wedding rings. That was the last thing you wanted Tyler to know. But now he did, and all you could do was hold your breath and wait.

“She keeps lying to me,” Tyler mumbled, “She won’t tell me the truth about any of it. At first, I thought maybe she was having-”

 “If you tell me that you thought she was cheating on you, I will smack you. You know damn well that she would never do that,” Jamie argued.

 “No, I know that. But Jame, she dropped the divorce on me without any reasoning, besides the fact that she claimed she didn’t love me. What else was I supposed to think?”

 You knew you needed to either leave or step in. But you were frozen. You wanted to move, you wanted to make it stop, make him stop. You could hear the hurt in his voice. Part of you wanted to hug him and spend hours apologizing to him, the other part wanted to run as fast and as far as you could.

 You clutched onto the bear even tighter. Maybe you could wish it all away. Maybe, somehow, you could turn back the clock and undo all of this. Even if it was just for a second, that’s all you wanted. To go back, to make things right.

 You wished you would’ve made other choices. Maybe taken a second to realize that you would hurt more than just yourself with all of this. None of this helped Tyler, or Ella, or yourself. But it was too late now, you’d done the damage, trying to fix it would only cause more. You kept reminding yourself that.

 “And what do you think now?” Jamie asked.

 “I still love her. That’s all I can think about. I could try and put a shit ton of distance between us, hell I could have a different girl in bed every night, but I’d still miss her. I’d still love her.”

 “Tyler.”

 “I know Jamie, trust me I know. My sisters tried to snap me out of it. But I just,” he paused, “I promised to spend the rest of my life with her. I didn’t think I was capable of that until her. Now, even thinking about spending it with someone else feels wrong. Having someone else in bed with me, dating someone…all of it.”

 You almost stumbled back. You never thought you’d hear him say that, whether you were meant to hear it or not. You felt like the air had been knocked out of you. You wanted this, yet at the same time, you didn’t. You thought he’d be able to move on, you expected him to. But you never thought that would be the reason that he didn’t. He still loved you. He never stopped loving you.

 Even after you broke his heart. Even after you broke up your family, with little to no excuse. It didn’t seem to matter that you tried being cold and closed off to him. It didn’t seem to matter that you’d taken almost everything he loved away. He still loved you.

“I’d marry her again in a heartbeat if she’d let me Jamie. I’ll forgive everything, she just has to say the word. Hell, I’ll even fall at her feet. She can have it all. I don’t care, I just want her. I want our family back.”

 Something broke inside you, or maybe finally broke loose. You found yourself moving quickly through the house. At the same time, they both seemed to realize that you’d heard everything. You could see the look on Jamie’s face, but you didn’t dare look at Tyler.

 You felt the tears running down your cheeks before you even realized you were crying. Suddenly you began to regret even coming. You shouldn’t have heard any of that. Because now you wouldn’t be able to let it go, all you’d be able to hear was him saying how much he loved you. How much he’d do for you.

 You were the one who decided things needed to end rather than talking your fears over. If you hadn’t been so stupid, you’d still be happily married. Ella would have both parents. Yet, here he was, saying that he’d do almost anything for you if it meant getting you back.

 This wasn’t part of the plan. You never anticipated that he’d still love you after all this time. But then again, you always assumed he’d hate you, and he never did. You didn’t understand any of it, none of it made sense. How did you get to this point?

 You dropped Bear Bear onto the couch and spun around. You needed to get out of here. You’d come back for Ella in a little while, but you needed space to process. That is if you could even process all of this. He still loved you.

 “Y/N! Wait!” You heard Tyler say as you made it to the door.

 You wouldn’t let yourself stop. If you stopped, you’d stay, and then you’d get into a situation you promised yourself you’d avoid. You were heaving to try and get air in. Shock, this had to be shock. You weren’t sure what you’d expected Tyler to feel towards you, but it wasn’t love.

 You heard him running out behind you. You knew from experience that he wouldn’t let you go. He’d rather have you scream and yell at him during a fight than leave. But you wished he’d let you go this time. You didn’t want him to see you crying like this, or at all really. But the crying wasn’t something to control now.

 You just kept hearing his words over and over again. You thought you might vomit. You couldn’t think straight, much less face him right now. He already had ownership of your heart, you’d given it willingly years ago. But it felt like he’d just ripped it from your chest, whether he meant to or not.

 “Y/N, please stop,” He begged, “Don’t run away from me again, please.”

 You tried to force down the pain that was building in your chest. You were in fight or flight mode, and he was begging for you to stay. You weren’t sure how you’d be able to manage this. How could you have a conversation with him after that?

 “I didn’t mean-”

 “What? You didn’t mean it? Just another joke between you and the boys?” You demanded.

 “No. Fuck. Y/N, I didn’t mean for you to hear it like that. Damnit, this shouldn’t even be happening!”

 “You’re right, it shouldn’t. But it is because I’m the one who made it happen,” You replied, your voice cracking, “So yell, scream. Hate me. I did this, it’s time to stop pretending that this isn’t my fault. So, do what you have to do Tyler.”

 He took a step towards you, “Then I have to say this, and I really need you to listen to me,” his voice was gentle, careful even, “I love you. I am in love with you, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I know you don’t love me, or at least not like you used to, but that’s too bad. Because I am never going to stop loving you.”

You tugged on the chain so that it pulled out from under your shirt. The rings were on full display now. No going back, even though he knew anyway. Knowing and seeing are different things.

 “I don’t wear these just to wear them. I wear them because-”

 He cut you off by wrapping his arms around you and pulling you closer to him. There wasn’t a second to hesitate or overthink, because his mouth was on yours before you could. You hadn’t expected him to do that.

 But you found yourself practically melting into him. You clutched onto him, feeling like the world was spinning around you. Hell, the whole world could come to an end at that moment and you wouldn’t have cared.

You could feel yourself starting to lose it. You pulled him closer to you, trying to get as close as you could. He seemed to share the same sentiment because not a second later he was doing the same.

 It wasn’t a power struggle. This felt more like two people getting to know each other again. Yet everything felt familiar to you. The way he held you, the way he felt, the way he tasted. This was all the man that you’d fallen in love with.

 The two of you started backing up until you hit your car. Your hands found their way into his hair, tugging gently. You never thought you’d end up like this, but you weren’t going to stop him. You liked it too much.

 You’d forgotten how much you loved this. How much you loved being close to him. You never wanted to stop now. He was addictive. You knew you’d never be able to get enough. You could probably spend your whole life like this and still feel like you’d never get enough.

 “Tyler,” You were begging for something that you didn’t even understand.

 “I love you,” He murmured against your lips, “I love you.”

 Nothing else mattered. You just wanted him, you wanted more. Hearing him say that seemed to bust you open. Damn being rational. Damn playing it safe. You wanted this, you needed it. You could deal with all of the repercussions later.

 Your hands wondered under his shirt. Your knees were weak. You couldn’t even register the fact that you two were outside, pressed up against your car. You didn’t care that Jamie could probably see you two. Or that Ella was inside. All you could think of was him.

 He pushed up your shirt so that he could feel any amount of skin. Your whole body reacted to him. You were hot, your skin was on fire. Everywhere his hands moved it got worse. You felt dizzy in the best way.

 “More. God please. I need more.”

 “Fuck. Y/N”

 He pulled one of your legs up. His hand ran up and down your thigh. His lips started wondering down your neck, nipping at the skin here and there. He’d be the death of you, that much was certain.

 His hand that was under your shirt moved higher slowly, almost painfully slow. You were panting, unable to get a full breath in. You weren’t sure what either of you were trying to accomplish in his driveway, but at this point, you wouldn’t say no. Not with his mouth on your neck. You were pretty sure you could lose it just like this.

 “Shit.” Tyler quickly pulled away from you, pulling you up from the car in the process.

 It took you a second to snap back to reality, but when you did you realized that someone else pulled into the driveway. You tried to comb through your hair and fix your shirt. Just before the person got out of the car, Tyler tugged on your necklace, seeming to remember that you probably didn’t want anyone else to see that.

 Roope came strolling towards both of you a few seconds later. Seemingly unaware of what was going on just thirty seconds before. You couldn’t help but worry that he’d seen something, and he might mention it to one of the other guys.

 You didn’t know what this meant for you and Tyler. Until you had some type of idea, you didn’t want anyone else to know. Until you and Tyler knew where you stood with one another, you couldn’t allow yourself to get your hopes up.

 This could’ve easily been because you were lonely, both of you. Not to mention the fact that you had more history than you knew what to do with. That had to make it easier to fall back into step with one another, right?

 “Hey, just in time man,” Tyler sounded unfazed.

 You couldn’t bring yourself to look over at him. You couldn’t calm your racing heart either. You could still feel his hands and his lips all over you. Now you really weren’t sure if you could go back in there and make it through the night. You were almost sure you couldn’t now.

 “Y/N and I were just talking, but we’re done now,” Tyler explained, “C’mon, Jamie should have the movie all ready, and everyone else should be here in a minute.”

 During the movies, Ella sat curled up in Tyler’s lap. A good majority of the guys were pretty tipsy by the time Beauty and The Beast started, which made their commentary on it pretty hilarious. Ella even got a few of them to sing along to a few songs with her. And was even able to get Jamie to dance around the room with her for a while.

 But the whole time you just kept thinking about that kiss, or whatever that was considered. What if he didn’t really want that, or it didn’t mean what you thought it did. Rather than the beginning of something, which scared you, what if it was the end of all of your years together. One final goodbye, a proper one this time. That scared you more than anything.

 You tried to push him away for years. You knew that. But it took tonight to make you realize that you didn’t want him out of your life. You needed him. You wanted to go to sleep next to him and wake up with him in the morning. You wanted the late nights and the road trip facetimes. You wanted the life that you’d always planned with him.

 You knew that this would be something you would’ve done every weekend, had certain things not happened. The guys would all come over and hang out with Ella, because they all loved her. You’d have family movie nights, just like you’d always planned. Nothing would’ve changed. Maybe, somehow, you and Tyler would’ve had more, and Ella would be a big sister. Maybe a lot of things would’ve happened.

 You felt the stab of guilt again. You’d allowed this to happen. You were the one who called it quits. You’d never let yourself forget that. You couldn’t drag Tyler back down again. You wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself if you did. He didn’t need to feel the need to look after you anymore, you could deal with it all on your own. Somehow, you’d find a way. You’d made it this far, you could keep going.

 “She’s out cold,” Tyler whispered once everyone else left, “Do you want me to carry her out to the car?”

 You nodded, still not daring to look over at him. Even though you knew the sight of Ella curled up, fast asleep in his lap would melt your heart. If you looked, you’d want to stay, and you knew that. You couldn’t stay again, you didn’t have the willpower for it.

 So, you followed him out to your car, not daring to say a word as he carefully buckled Ella into her car seat and shut the door behind him. You tried not to think of what the two of you were doing out here just a few hours before. But even just being back out here with him made you want to cry. You wanted it again, but you couldn’t do it.

 “Y/N?”

 You shut your eyes and shook your head. Whatever conversation was coming next, you didn’t have the strength to have it. In some ways, you were afraid he’d say goodbye, even though it was what you kept telling yourself you wanted. In other ways, you were terrified that he’d say that he still wanted you. You didn’t know how to navigate either of those things.

 You felt his hands on your waist, pulling you closer to him, “Can you look at me?”

 You shook your head again, squeezing your eyes tighter. You could feel the tears running down your cheeks. You could even taste them. All you wanted was to curl into a ball and just disappear. You couldn’t say goodbye to him, you couldn’t look him in the eye. There were a lot of things you couldn’t do, even though you wanted to.

 “Please, just look at me,” You could hear his voice break, “Please Y/N.”

 “I can’t,” Your voice was barely above a whisper, “I’ll want something I can’t have if I do.”

 One hand moved to your cheek, slowly brushing away the tears. That simple thing made you want to cry even more. How could you keep resisting him when he made it so hard? If only he knew that he could break you. You were putty in his hands, all he had to do was say the words.

 He leaned down to kiss you again. It was softer this time, slower too. There was no sense of urgency like there had been before. This time it felt like he was trying to convince you of something. Convince you that this could work, that he wanted it to work.

 Your hands landed on his shoulders, holding them to keep you steady. If you thought the first kiss was enough to make you dizzy, this kiss would be the end of you. It was like you could feel everything he was trying to convey, and it scared you. But you couldn’t pull away from him, you didn’t want to. You might go to hell for it, but you wanted this.

 “Tyler…we can’t. We-”

 “We’ll figure it out,” he promised, “When things have gotten better for you, and they get your meds right, we’ll figure it out.”

 “Tyler. We…I can’t do this. I don’t want to lose you again. We can’t do this to Ella.”

 “I’m here, Y/N. I’m not going anywhere, you can try and push me away all you want, but I’m here. We’ll figure the rest out later.”

 You held onto him, afraid to agree to anything right now, but terrified to get in your car and leave. You felt like the world was falling around you, but him and Ella were enough to keep you anchored. With them, you could figure it out. You just didn’t know how to deal with it.

 But somehow, he made you believe that somehow the two of you could work it out. Somehow, after the last two years, you could find your way back to each other. Maybe this time you could be better than you were before. You could love each other more, despite being broken. Maybe, somehow, it would be okay.

 “I love you,” he whispered to you, “I’m right here. And I love you.”

For now, that was enough.

[spirit-of-the-void]

Ebony and Ivory (V x Reader Fanfic) Chapter 15

Author’s notes: Sorry this chapter was late! I’m a mess of a person with a messy life and zero excuses.

Chapter 15

The sky was forgiving that day, at least for a little while.

Within an hour or so of walking, the sun was up and shining. It was cooler for a day in June, but it was perfect for the walking you needed to do with the poet. Something about the light glinting off his hair made you feel weak in the knees, but your steps didn’t falter. Focused, you reminded yourself. Focus first, fun later when the job was done. You had no idea what this so-called Devil Sword looked like or where it could possibly be, but V seemed to know where he was going. Eyes ever forward, driven once again once you departed from the broken town. It was hard to describe where you were now, especially with the absolutely convoluted landscape. It felt like you were walking through a valley, but upon further inspection you could tell it was just the earth rising and following with the damage done. This was the base of the tree, where all the roots were.

And there were a lot of them. Roots extended above, weaving through the dirt and stone. Christ, this place was a mess. Barely any buildings, most structures torn apart by the demon tree and flung in various directions. Everything seemed lifeless, grey. Even more so once the clouds came back, casting a discolored feeling all over the dead plants and stony ground beneath your feet. Despite the pallor of the world around, you were keeping yourself in high spirits. Walking alongside the poet and keeping up conversation with him, making sure to keep an eye on his condition. You had eaten breakfast with him, summoning some minor food for everyone including meat for the familiars. All in all, you were prepared for anything and everything.  

Another day of travel and fighting, it would seem.

You didn’t mind, per se. But this area was full of baddies you weren’t particularly fond of. You passed graveyards, fighting the typical rough and tumble variety demons with the usual ease you had with V. You were getting your momentum back energy wise, testing your limits a bit more with each hour to see what could stick. No Void walking yet, but soon. You could feel that. Along this path you tried to keep your eyes out for shrines of any sort, since it was areas like these that would hide them. But you found none, and that made you sigh. This felt similar to when a parent was mad at you, that you were sure of. You couldn’t quite decide whether you saw the Deity as a father or not, or a mother for that matter. But you doubted it mattered.  

At some point V stopped at a cliff side, staring out at a different piece of land in the distance. He held out his arm, Griffon summoning on it before launching out over the crevice. Scouting ahead, it would seem. You could barely make out a building with a broken dome ceiling, what looked to be demons around it moving sporadically. Were they...dancing? Sure looked like it, in their own creepy, demonic way. You crouched down by the cliff, warily eyeing the abyss below with a frown. You hoped that once the tree righted itself the earth would settle accordingly and become full of life again. The Qliphoth seemed to kill anything within a certain radius, which made you fear for innocent creatures and animals caught in the crossfire. Would it kill them as well? You hadn’t seen a single squirrel or anything since arriving in this area, not even a stray cat. Mind you, human death was still just as awful and important. It just all seemed...wrong.

In the meantime, Griffon came soaring back. He looked a bit huffy and confused, shaking out his feathers with a concerned trill as he landed back on the poet’s arm.

“What’s good, bird?” You asked, standing up and stretching a bit.  

He let out a low squawk, eyeing you and the poet with concern and hesitation in his gaze.  

V let out a light hum, furthering prompting the demonic bird as he added to your question in that smooth purr, “Did you find it?”  

It. The Devil Sword Sparda, surely.

“Uhhh well,” Griffon said in a hesitant tone, flapping his wings a bit and sending a couple feathers dropping down, “I don’t know what I found, but...I think I saw demons dancing...?” The way he trailed off made the reply sound like a question despite him being the only one who saw the spectacle up close.

That made V smile, his expression bemused and slightly satisfied with this answer, “Well, then I guess we keep going,” He lifted his cane, catching the base of it firmly in his hand as he continued, "The Devil Sword Sparda is nearby.”

Could he sense the sword’s presence? You weren’t getting anything. Sensing demonic energy at its root wasn’t something you could do. Danger and hidden enemies? That you could definitely get a read on due to the Foresight. For whatever reason, when it came to the Devil Sword it got...nothing. Like there was interference, static. It made you wonder what kind of creature Sparda was, and what kind of power this sword had. According to V, Dante was able to wield it, but he sounded hesitant about himself. Griffon mentioned as you walked something about being “strong in mind and body”, which he was convinced V was not. Why was that? V seemed pretty strong willed to you at least, but there was always this sense of guilt and tiredness to him as well. He still moved forward, still seemed set on the task.

Regardless.

You walked alongside the poet, spinning one of Griffon’s blue feathers in your fingers as you did so.

“I can’t get a read on that sword at all,” You said to him, tone a little wistful, “Who was this person anyway? The one the sword is named for.”

V let out a low hum at your question, giving his cane a spin and eyes staring forward, “Sparda, the demon lord,” His tone was a smooth purr, but there was a far-away look in his eyes, “He was a powerful creature. Rumored to be closer to a God in terms of power than a demon.”

You let out a little huff, a bit of clarity reaching you, “Might be why I can’t sense it. Some God power and Deity powers don’t mesh with others.” You knew your Deity was notorious for not playing well with others. He wasn’t viewed as an official god in any capacity, a creature that existed on neither end of the spectrum. It unsettled a lot of higher ups, not to mention the Void was a place no one understood. They would not interact, that was for certain.  

V let out a low hum, side-eyeing you with a quirk of his lovely mouth, “Perhaps. Although, you are no demon. And I can just barely sense it.”

You nodded, giving him a light smile as you both continued forward. You were hoping to at least see the sword, though you still felt a little uneasy considering everyone’s warnings about it. You tried to shake that feeling, trudging into the new area and making sure to focus on your surroundings a bit more.

The landscape just became more and more warped as you went along, slabs of stone and rock dotting the path like it was nothing. You and the poet had to stop and fight something big and ugly along the way, watching it knock a stone bridge and coming to a sliding halt. It had looked like a monster wrapped in chains, and upon braking the chains two huge, tongue-like appendages had come out of its mouth. Well, that wasn't the strangest thing you had ever seen, right? It had been an annoying fight, one that had lasted longer than you liked. Too much jumping around, too much dodging. The thing was fast and you didn’t want to risk anyone getting slammed with its tongues. But your group managed, and V killed it with his usual flourish as he hoped off its back.

“Guys,” You sighed, rotating one shoulder and stretching the next instant, “I’ve decided this area is not fun.”

Griffon let out a loud snort, flying around and landing on your shoulders in his usual way, “This area? You said that about the last few.”

“Now you’re catching on,” You smirked, patting Griffon on the side of the beak, “Use that big brain, Griffon. Seeing a pattern yet?”

“Hardy har. Shucks, one would think you hate fighting demons!” Griffon rolled his strange eyes, tone heavy with sarcasm.

V chuckled lightly at your banter, tapping his silver cane on the ground as his jade gaze met yours. He looked a bit tired, but he told you along the way not to expend the energy to help him unless absolutely necessary. You wanted to respect that, but it made you nervous.

“I’d have to agree,” He hummed, a slight breeze making his hair wave around his face, “The demons in this area are less than satisfactory.”

You walked up to him, brushing some dust off his shoulders with a light sigh.

“We’re at the bottom of the tree, so it makes sense,” You shrugged, eyes tilting up to gaze at the ugly monstrosity filling the sky, “It’s going to be even worse in there, so we had better be prepared.”

V nodded once in agreement. One of his hands lifted to stroke your face, thumb sliding over your cheekbone. The action made you flush a bit.

“And what of you, Sparrow?” He murmured, looking at you from under his long lashes, “How are you feeling after such...vigorous activities?” Did he mean the sex at night, or the demons? The mystery alone was scandalous and sexy

That made you smile ruefully, taking his hand and giving it a light kiss. You thought you heard Griffon fake a gag, but you ignored him. He could tease all he wanted now, that cat was out of the bag. So why should you hesitate to do anything you wanted? Shadow didn’t seem to mind your actions, sitting at your feet with their bright red eyes looking between you and V. Sometimes you were glad that Shadow was a silent familiar, you couldn’t imagine taking the banter from both sides. Griffon was your friend and you loved him, but he was just enough for you to put up with. As for nightmare? You didn’t talk to the creature enough to form an opinion on him. Which was a shame, you liked seeing Nightmare fight in battle.

Shaking your wandering thoughts, you looked back at V.

“I’m doing better,” You replied, holding his slender fingers between your own, “Each time we fight my resistance grows. My power is like a muscle I have to stretch, so the more I stretch it the more I can take.”

That made him look curious, his eyes drifting over your form.

“Are you able to do more than we’ve seen?” He asked, “More of the incident with the black crystal.”

You winced at mention of that, but nodded, “In theory, if I trained enough I could do that without summoning my Deity, and without straining myself.”

It was the truth, because you remembered times where you could. Hell, one of your missions after learning the way your power worked, you became an absolute power house. The longer the mission, the better you got. The Deity definitely laid things out like that, making it so that you had a higher rate of success the longer it took. You didn’t know how you felt about that, but something about having that much power had always left a strange feeling of unease inside you. Like you were too connected with the Void. It left a disconnect in your body, like instead of a person you were a vessel for something...bigger. You never liked the feeling, and generally let that sensation die for a month or so to not get swallowed up. In retrospect...you wondered if that’s what the Deity went through to become so in tune with the Void?

Some mysteries couldn’t be answered by mere theorizing.

“I’m going to assume it comes with downsides,” V said with a low grunt, eyeing you with a wary gaze. Yeah, he still wasn’t over the incident from before, that was for sure, “And I expect you will inform me of them.”

You smiled brightly, but inside you were practically screaming. If only he knew that your power was one hundred percent downsides all the time. Oh yes, there was a turmoil inside you now, face luckily not betraying the raging knowledge that you were withholding things from him, which was bad after agreeing not to. If he knew that every time you flared the energy it was painful, borderline excruciating, he would never let you use it again. You were used to the pain, so you weren’t going to stop using it. It took god damn years to cultivate the energy of the Void, and the sacrifices for it were more than worth it in regards to keeping people safe. Pain was such a strange thing to you, something you just dealt with and normalized. Never talking about it, chin up and eyes forward. Minus when facing those punishments from deals made with the Deity, because that...was on another level.

Regardless.

“Don’t worry, building up power is safer for me than staying weak,” You replied to him, even knowing your previous doubts, “Less chances of exertion.”

He gave a light nod, leaning forward to press a light kiss to yours. Your heart immediately set off in a frenzy, cheeks flushed and warm. Being able to kiss each other when you wanted felt so nice, natural. Like you two were just a romantic couple on a stroll for the day. Unfortunately, you had an audience, one who was perched on you as a matter of fact. Griffon made another disgusted sound, hopping off your shoulders to put some distance between himself and the public display of affection. But you were sure he chuckled a little too, mischief in his tone as he swept around and eyed the two of you. Did he look pleased? You were almost positive there was satisfaction in his avian features.

V sighed at his reaction, pulling back with a rueful expression on his face. He stared at you for a moment, making you blink as you tried to get a read on his gaze. What...was that emotion? It flickered by so fast, but the poet was turning before you had a chance to ask him. You paused, mouth opening a bit as he started forward again, cane in hand. Driven once more. But you had seen something there in his gaze, something that made you uneasy. It...had looked like pain, something agonizing. Akin to realization, but not quite that either, closer to desperation. It made your heart pound, a worried sensation settling over you, one that you couldn’t push away. There couldn’t be something wrong, the Foresight would have warned you. It was calm, giving no indication of things heading down the wrong path. It was how it should be.

Right?

You swallowed the sensation and followed after him. Maybe you were just anxious, seeing things that weren’t there. After all, V grasped your hand as soon as you caught up. No hesitation, his hand so warm and skin smooth. You looked at him from the corner of your eye, but he wore that neutral, bemused smile again. He was so hard to read, his handsome face full of secrets that you didn’t understand. Things he would hopefully share as you went along. You tried to shake the feeling, the nagging part of your brain that had read something that wasn’t there. You were there with him, that was what mattered. He still replied when you spoke, discussing things along the way and filling you in on all that you had missed. The gaps in Nero’s story.

You were curious about Dante, the infamous demon hunter everyone was so fixated on. Griffon and V were debating on if he had survived or not—he was apparently a half-demon himself. Absolutely wild. If Urizen had killed him, no one was really sure what they should do, but V seemed convinced Nero was the answer. He brought up the boy several times, referring to him as exactly that. “The boy”, like he was somehow older and wiser. It confused you, especially since V seemed pretty young himself. It made you kind of feel bad for looking at Nero as a kid too, there was just something young and boyish about him. The part of you that liked taking care of people worried about the guy, especially since he grew up without parents or family. Everyone needed somebody, right?

“You really think Nero will be able to kill Urizen?” You asked, hoping into what looked to be a broken series of catacombs. It made you wince, mind flashing back to the sewers at the sight of the dank, dreary walls, “I don’t doubt him, but that’s a lot of danger to put one guy through.”

“Nero should be able to wield the Devil Sword,” V replied, jade eyes dark in the new area as he stared forward, “He was always my insurance policy, the one to rely on when Dante failed. I had hoped that I wouldn’t have to do so, but Urizen is...far worse than we imagined.”

His response made you sigh, nose scrunching up as you passed skulls built into the walls.

“I get that,” You hummed in reply, but you still didn’t know how to feel about it, “Just remember his safety comes first. Everyone’s safety comes first, including yours.”

“And yours.” Griffon and V quipped at the same time, exchanging a glance with each other. Wow. That had to be the first time you had seen them that in sync, which was hilarious in your opinion. Their concern was appreciated, and you had to admit to yourself that you would always put their safety before your own, no matter what. Not that you’d ever say that out loud. What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, yeah? You chuckled, giving V’s hand a firm squeeze and entwining your fingers as you banished the misbehaving thought.

“I appreciate the support, boys,” You smiled, eyes bright and cheerful now as V’s gaze met yours, “I’ll make sure to focus on my safety.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, right? At least you hoped so.  

V let out a pleased sound, leaning down to press his lips to your silken hair. His breath was warm, brushing over you as he kissed the top of your head. Christ, you felt like you could faint when he did things like that, on the brink of swooning. Somehow this made you flush more than the lewd things, your cheeks warm and heart fluttering like a caged bird. A sparrow, if you wanted to get super specific. You sighed in contentment, bringing his fingers to your lips as you kissed them again. How you wished the two of you could find somewhere safe and warm to just...rest. No worries, no demons to fight. A day where you could wake up in a bed, and lie there till noon. Domestic things, ones you used to take for granted.

Griffon gagged again at your actions, swooping by and saying loudly, “Get a room, lovebirds. You’re killing me with this kissy, touchy shit. I fear for my virgin eyes.”

“Virgin eyes?” You and V chorused together in disbelieving tones, you turning to raise a brow at the loud-mouthed bird.

Griffon landed on a nearby piece of rubble, huffing lightly as he narrowed his golden eyes on you.

“You’re missing the point here,” He said in a haughty tone, raising his demonic beak in the air as he continued, “You and Shakespeare can’t keep your hands off each other. What will the humans think?”

Humans—he had to be referring to Nero, Nico, and Lady.

You crossed your arms, hearing V let out a low, deep sigh as he gave you a long-suffering look. You shared the sentiment, but in a way the bird had a point. You and V weren’t on your best behavior, that was for sure. Emotions were high and heady, unable to be ignored. The idea of Nico and the others seeing V kissing you and holding your hand...well, you had no idea what they would think, or what they would say. Maybe that the apocalypse was neither the time nor place for romance? They would be right if that was the case, but Nero was a guy in love. You hoped he would at least partially understand, and you had fuzzy memories of Nico saying V needed to get laid. And Lady threatening to kill him if he hurt you. To be honest, those details were a bit sketchy considering the alcohol.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we reach it,” V replied before you could, passing by the bird with a light tilt of his mouth, “Do you intend to sit there all day? We do have a sword to find.”

Griffon rolled his eyes, flapping his wings and soaring ahead as he grumbled, “Calm your tits, Shakespeare. I’m not the one stopping to smooch every five minutes.”

You smiled brightly, walking alongside V and Shadow as you called to him, “I can kiss and walk.”

“Can you suck cock and walk too?” Griffon’s voice echoed back, tone heavily sarcastic, “Then I’d be really impressed.”

“Is that a challenge?” You clasped your hands behind your back, smiling mischievously when V cleared his throat. He was looking a little hot around the collar at the topic. He was so easy to make flustered, which was incredibly adorable. It was too dark to tell, but you were sure there was color in those cheeks of his. Teasing him was so fun, though you were certain you wouldn’t be sucking his dick in these catacombs—you refused to do anything sexual in such a disgusting place. There were dead bodies and skulls everywhere, so it wasn’t really your ideal place for romance. In fact, you couldn’t wait to leave.

“Live in mystery,” V said simply, a bit of a warning in his tone as his jade eyes glanced at you. Though you could tell he was fighting amusement. Those full lips of his were having a hard time holding that displeased look even as he added, “We have ground to cover.”

You blew him a kiss, skipping forward and pinching his butt as you passed by. It made him jolt a bit, a surprised grunt escaping him and face flushing a lot more noticeably now.

“Yes sir.” You purred at him, turning back to give him a sweet smile. Something about calling him “sir" felt very scandalous, and he wasn’t oblivious to that. His eyes narrowed at you, a bit of hunger in his gaze as he eyed you in the dark. Was he gripping that cane tighter? Looked like it.

Still, you all pressed forward. The journey through the catacombs? Less than stellar, that was for sure. It was crawling with demons, as was all things around the Qliphoth tree. This area brought forth a new demon type, one that quite frankly set your teeth on edge. Spectral creatures with giant scissors, lunging with attacks that could easily cut you in half, which wasn’t ideal in the slightest. How did these demons come up with their attacks and weapons of choice? Despite the danger, attacking like they did was highly impractical. You managed to wrap your tendrils around the scissors when they lunged, snapping them closed and leaving them defenseless. It was up to V and the others to pummel them into submission and eventual death. Even so, traveling through took much longer than expected when you had to stop and fight every few minutes.

“Hey V?” You asked in between the fighting, letting out a low huff as the Void energy settled inside, “Can I ask you a few things?”

He was in the process of putting his book away as you spoke, a hint of surprise in those jade eyes as he met your gaze.

“...Certainly, Sparrow.” He murmured after some pause, gripping the head of his cane and leaning his weight on it. He seemed a bit tired, but he hadn’t said anything to you yet.

Frustrating, but you kept walking with him.

V seemed to want to keep up the momentum, but he seemed oddly...torn. Contradictory. Driven one second then stopping the next to hold your hand, resting on a piece of rubble and talking in that low voice of his. You talked about his home town that you were, technically, still walking through. He seemed a lot less reluctant to open up today, which made you feel warmer already. You were devastated to find out how young he was when his mother died—just eight years old. Too young to go through something that traumatic. He wouldn’t tell you all that had happened, you could tell he was omitting things. That was fine, he wasn’t required to tell you all he had been through. That was his choice to make. Through it all you listened and watched his face, still holding his hand and squeezing it when he paused, unable to find his words.

“What happened...when your mother died? Where did you go?” You asked him softly, pulling your legs up and crossing them. Griffon landed on your shoulders as you did so, Shadow putting their head between your legs and V’s. The bird was listening quietly, but he didn’t seem surprised, like he knew of this story and all it entailed. How long had V been with the three familiars? It would have made you feel better if you knew V had the trio looking out for him as a child, it was at least something. Still, growing up without parents was just...unfair. Where was V’s father, and who was he? That was the one detail V left out, he seemed pretty focused on his mother over all. You could tell that he felt guilty about her death, it was plain on his face. But his father...where was he?

“I...” V let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair, “I did what I had to survive. I learned. I trained.”

He kept it very vague. You could understand why.

You nodded along with his words, watching Shadow’s tail sway back and forth, “Desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose,” A sad smile graced your lips, eyes darting up to meet his, “What was your mother’s name?”

V let out a low hum, gripping the head of his cane with his free hand and tracing lines on your palm with the other, “...Eva. Her name was Eva,” He closed his eyes in thought, a soft huff leaving him as he added, “She would have loved you. That, I’m sure of. “

That made your heart pound, like you were held in high regard.

“What was she like?” You asked, trying to hide how good his compliment felt. You wanted to know who this woman was, a person who gave birth to someone so important to you.

“Kind...thoughtful. A good mother.” He said simply, though you could see his face was hiding something. It made you blink, eyes going soft as you tried to decipher his emotions a bit. No luck this time, there was no cracking that poker face. He seemed attached to his mother, you could tell that much, so why did that sentence sound so...hesitant? Like he was unsure, or lonely sounding?

“She sounds like a good person,” You murmured, rubbing the toe of your boot into the ground when you stretched out your legs, “Though I have to ask, where is your father? Or did he pass away too?”

V’s mouth tilted in a small smirk, a faraway look in his eyes as he scoffed, “Something like that.”

You opened your mouth to question what he meant when the catacombs shook a bit, some rubble settling nearby. It made V grunt, pulling himself to his feet and gripping his cane. You immediately did the same, shaking off some dust and staring at him with concern. The way his tone sounded when he said that little quip was strange, and you couldn’t understand what he meant. Something like that. Maybe his father was absent, or maybe he didn’t know the guy at all? Both were pretty awful things to deal with, but there was something else there was well in his gaze. A... wistfulness. Regret. Reverence. It didn’t look like he was entirely without knowledge, like there was a joke in that comment you were missing. There was history here, something that you weren’t a part of.  

But V didn’t seem in the mood to elaborate anymore. He gestured with his cane to you, starting forward again and leisurely brushing a bit of dust of his shoulder. You stifled a sigh, hurriedly following after and just tucking the question away for later. Quick as he opened up, closed just as quick. You told yourself that there was no need to push things, especially when opening up seemed hard for him to do already. Taking things easy, letting it come slow. The connection between you two was still a tender thing, but it still felt strong and steady. You doubted V let just anyone in or close, so that alone made you grateful to get those small bits of info. So, you bit your tongue, letting out a low huff and watching his back shift and move as he walked. There was always more time to talk, right? You weren’t going anywhere even when the god damn tree was gone. There were so many things to learn, so much to discover about each other.

Griffon seemed to sense your exasperation, letting out a light trill in your ear as he shook off some of your hair.

“Don’t mind Shakespeare, he’s a closed book,” He hissed lightly, just loud enough for you to hear, “Mommy dearest is a touchy subject. Shocked he even said anything.”

You sighed a bit, wrapping your fingers around his talons and squeezing a bit.

“Don’t worry, I’m patient,” You told him quietly, eyeing the poet with some fondness, “Besides, we’ve got plenty of time to figure things out.”

Griffon went quiet at that, which was pretty uncharacteristic of him. You blinked, that little anxious voice in the back of your head screaming to life in an instant. Something wasn’t right. But that didn’t make any sense, at least you hoped? Your Foresight was calm, swirling inside and not hinting at anything bad. But...something wasn’t adding up in your head. You stared at the bird from the Corner of your eye, but he still said nothing. There was something in his gaze—a meaningful stare, a nervous one. Like he wanted to tell you something, but couldn’t. And that only added to the foreboding feeling. There was no way the Deity wouldn’t inform you if something was wrong, that you were sure of. So, you tried to chalk it up to anxiety, maybe miscommunication? But you would be observant as always, on your toes and ready for anything.

There was still so much to do, and so much to focus on. Your group made it out of the catacombs within the hour, the earth still just as broken and desolate as you remembered it. Yikes, that tree looked even uglier the closer you got to it. Broken, shattered buildings were everywhere, the Qliphoth roots woven through out. Your Foresight was already warning you of demons in this area, and you could see some in the distance even as it swirled inside. That dome building was coming ever closer, giant, menacing thorn brambles plowing through it and meeting at a bundle of red, bulbous buds. Another thing to be destroyed. These demons were new too, gangling creatures with misshapen bodies and bulbous eyes attached to limbs. You winced at the sight of them, your Foresight curling into a burning ball in your chest and spider-webbing out in heavy pain. Yikes, those didn’t look fun.

V put his cane out to stop everyone, eyeing the creatures with a slightly bemused look as they continued their little dance. You saw his jade gaze traveling upwards, and followed with it. There, sticking out of the building.

Your eyes widened at what had to be the Devil Sword Sparda. A massive blade, woven with what looked to be demonic flesh with a long hilt. It was curved, glinting menacingly even in the grey light of the clouds. There was no mistaking that. It had “Devil Sword” written all over it, and it explained why the demons were acting sporadically. Dancing under the blade, like they were worshiping it. V’s words of Sparda being closer to a god seemed a lot more solid now, since these creatures certainly seemed to think so. You tried to get a feel for the energy of the blade, eyeing it with curiosity and wariness. The Void power swirled a bit when you did, definitely not liking your actions.  

You couldn’t help but wonder if your Deity ever met Sparda? The man definitely liked meeting other higher beings, seeing how they reacted to him. But you doubted you could ever ask for that kind of information.

“Is that the sword?” You asked V for confirmation, crouching down behind a piece of debris while he leaned against the wall, “It definitely looks like a devil sword.”

“Sure fucking is,” Griffon hissed before V could open his mouth, eyes alight with interest as he eyed the hefty blade, “I’ll be damned. Flung all the way down the Qliphoth to here, landing nice and neat.”

V let out a low hum of agreement, gripping his cane tighter as he pushed off from the wall. You immediately blinked at his confident gait forward, ignoring all the danger with those eyes set on the prize. God damn it, not again. When he went into focused mode, there was no stopping him. You just hoped this time things wouldn’t turn out like the horseman incident; your heart definitely couldn’t take it. So, you stood as well, rushing to catch up with him and summoning the power of the Void. It burned in your lungs, releasing a cold cloud of icy breath into the air as your tendrils snuck into the ground around the creatures. You at least wanted to be somewhat tactical, if no one else was.  

“You’re lucky you’re a pretty boy,” You muttered under your breath to V as he hopped up some rubble, eyeing the creatures with a bemused stare, “Because this reckless shit you do would usually earn you a spanking.”

That made his mouth quirk into a grin, the poet in good spirits now as he tilted that tantalizing gaze onto you, “Now now, Sparrow. Don’t make promises you won’t keep.”  

That made you pop a brow up, steps faltering a bit as you stared at him, “Did you just admit a kink to me?”

“Guess you’ll have to find out,” He chuckled mischievously, “Let’s take that as motivation to not die, shall we?”

You were simply flabbergasted, blinking at him with a mixture of surprise and intrigue on your face. What could you even say to that?

Griffon flew by you, letting out an annoyed groan. You forgot he was there for a moment, but he most certainly heard that whole exchange. He threw you a disgusted look your way, rolling his eyes back into skull as he whooshed by you.

“Can you two can the flirting for five minutes so we can get the god damn sword?” He hissed, approaching the demons with Shadow prowling behind him.

You hated to say it. But Griffon was, once again, correct.

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18136193/chapters/43584827

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Tagged: @silentwhispofhope @nightshadow4713 @slightlylunatic @just-call-me-no-name @efiicitia @raven-huntress

[rain0205-blog]

Terminal State

Summary:  She tried leaving, submerging herself in work to escape the horrors she had seen. The horrors she kept seeing. She never wanted to go back to that life. But when the Empire takes her home, she’s forced to face her past. Can she move on? Can she cope? Or will she require a bit of help? still bad at summaries, still working on it. ever so slightly more than slight AU gadioxoc

Gathering Intel

...

The wind blew in their hair as they drove down the streets of Duscae on their way toward Lestallum. Gladiolus was in a bitter mood but he kept it internal. Cindy was able to find the Regalia and he was right in assuming the Empire had taken it. The location: Aracheole Stronghold. The base was big and he was a little upset that the Imperials had started to make themselves at home, however, Ignis had managed to keep them out of trouble until they actually found the car, having them cloaked in the night and using Noctis's warp strike ability to kill any MagiTek troopers that would get in the way. They were very fortunate to have those skills on their side.

Once they had cleared the troopers and found the car they were caught. They were able to wipe out their enemies and then went after the power source. It was a tough battle, almost a losing one, but Noctis's new skill with summoning astrals managed to turn the tide. Gladiolus was there to feel the presence of Titan when he awoke and was trying to attack them. Now he saw as the Fulgarian unleashed his wrath upon their enemies. He was bigger than anything Gladio had ever seen, bald with a flowing white beard and a staff, wiping out the Niflheim forces without even breaking a sweat. As they came to the car they were met with none other than the High Commander, Ravus Nox Fleuret. Lunafreya's brother had a serious grudge against Noctis, something consuming him about the past. Ravus was easily able to deflect Gladiolus, and ever since they had left the scene - again thanks to the Chancellor - the Shield was silently brooding to himself about his failure. Ravus seemed to have some sort of mechanical arm and Gladio's abdomen still hurt from where he was struck. He couldn't believe he was so easily tossed aside like he was nothing but a fly.

A weak shield protects naught.

Ravus's voice taunted his mind. Frowning, he was toying with Athenacia's necklace around his wrist. Just another reminder of his failures. What sort of Shield was he if he couldn't even stand up to a punk like Ravus? To be so easily pushed away by one man? Gladio always feared he wasn't strong enough he, just never knew that it was actually true. All of this, he kept to himself, wouldn't trouble the others with something they couldn't understand, nor they could help with. So he kept his eyes distant on the scenery, deciding that he should check on Iris in Lestallum. The others were quick to agree that stopping in the city and seeing familiar faces was the best course of action. As they arrived in the parking spot the sun was beginning to set. Seemed like perfect timing, they could get some rest in the hotel for the night. No one else appeared to be too defeated so Gladiolus pushed his thoughts from his mind, tucking in the tree disc and following them towards the hotel. Iris was standing the lobby and she looked completely distraught. Something had happened to her and he immediately felt defensive.

"Oh Gladdy," she was near tears.

"What's wrong?" he was concerned.

"I let you down, I never made it to Caem," her tears fell down her cheeks, "The Empire came while you were gone."

"Gladio!" someone frantically shoved passed Prompto and towards him.

"Gin?" Gladiolus regarded the pregnant nurse curiously, looking between her and his sister.

"They took her Gladio, they have Cia!" said Gin in a panicked tone.

"What?!"

That only caused Iris to cry more. Gladio felt like he was struck another devastating blow by Ravus. Athenacia was alive... She was here in Lestallum... and now in the hands of the Emperor. What was going on here?

"Perhaps we should continue this conversation away from any possible unwanted company," suggested Ignis.

Gladiolus nodded, letting Iris lead the way up the stairs and toward her hotel room. Once they stepped inside he hovered over his sister who was sitting in a chair. The girl had done nothing but cry for who knew how long, making guilt ear away at him. He looked over at Gin, who was carefully seated on the bed with a hand on her swollen womb, moving awkwardly and seemed to have some back pain.

"Tell us what happened," said Ignis gently.

"They stormed us all, brought us together and started asking us where you were," began Gin.

"None of us said a word about Noct. They just showed up and then... poor Jared," said Iris

"What do you mean? What happened to Jared?" asked Gladiolus, trying to keep a lid on his own rage.

"There was nothing we could do!" cried Iris.

The tone of her voice told him everything he needed to know, confirmed when Gin was unable to face him. Gladio tightened his fists at his side, hating that once again he was powerless to stop the Empire. They heard a sound at the door, snapping his attention towards it. Talcott was in tears as he stood there, opening it slowly and that only made the Shield feel worse. Noctis walked to the young man who was wiping his tears with his arm. The Prince knelt down so that he was eye level with Talcott.

"It not right," said Noctis, "We should have been here."

"I couldn't stop them," whined Talcott.

"But I won't let the Empire get away with it. They'll pay for what they've done. I promise."

That appeared to make the boy feel better, "I believe in you, Prince Noctis," he said before fresh tears occupied his face and he walked away.

"You said they took Dr. Virum?" Ignis looked towards the pregnant nurse Gin.

"It should have been me," said Iris.

"What does that mean?" asked Gladiolus in fury.

"When they weren't getting answers about the Prince they started asking where Iris was," began Gin, "I opened up my big mouth and they were going to kill me too. But Cia stood and said she was Iris. She offered herself as a hostage in exchange for them to leave."

"So she was here all along?" asked Prompto.

"No she left after she drove us here," answered Iris.

"You said a nurse got you here?" stated the Shield, frowning.

"Gladio she looked different. She had long black hair and it was hiding her scar. But I know her face, I know it was her," supplied Gin.

"Long black hair?"

"Sounds like she was trying to hide herself," mused Ignis.

"Why would she do that?" asked Prompto.

"We cannot be certain unless we ask her."

"You have to save her, Gladdy," Iris cried more, "None of us would be here if it wasn't for her..."

"I wouldn't be here either..." said Gin sadly, "Nor would my child."

Gladiolus wore a scowl on his face. As much as he wanted to rush after her, it wasn't his decision, he had a job to do, a duty as Sworn Shield. Looking over at Noctis, who had a hard look on his face with everything he had learned tonight, they shared a small look before the Prince walked to the pregnant nurse that was having trouble sitting with her awkward size. Placing a hand on the woman's shoulder, she looked up at him with hopeful eyes.

"We'll get her back," said Noctis, trying to assure the woman.

Gin nodded, "Thank you, Highness," she cried.

...

Gladiolus was on the terrace breathing in the night air, holding the necklace that was brought to him by Umbra. Thoughts raced as he stared intently at the silver chain. This entire time she was wandering around on her own. Who was she hiding from? What happened? Why hadn't she contacted anyone? Athenacia even hid her identity from Iris, knowing that she was his sister. Why? He didn't have answers, only she did. Twice now she had saved his sister, the first time by getting her to Lestallum and just now by offering herself up. Gladio was obligated to help her and he knew that even if Noctis hadn't agreed to it, he would have gone off by himself anyway. The Prince had managed to get to sleep, same with Prompto. Iris had gone to her own room with Talcott and Gin had returned to the hospital for work. Ignis was still awake but the Shield had no idea what he was up to, still toying with the necklace, fixated on it and the thought of her still being alive. They hadn't a chance to talk about their next move, it was getting late and he wasn't even sure where to start. Ignis had stepped out onto the terrace, leaning against the rail and looking out over the city. Gladiolus waited, knowing that the man was probably thinking of a way for them to move forward.

"Have you contacted the Marshal?" asked Ignis.

"Not yet," replied Gladio, not taking his eyes away from his hands.

"Perhaps he could enlighten us as to a location. He would be relieved to know the status of her well being."

Gladiolus grunted, wishing he had thought of that but he was plagued by so many things as of late, he wasn't really shocked that he didn't. Pulling out his phone, he fired off a quick message to Cor, not even sure what the Marshal could be doing at this hour but it was important. Thankfully, it didn't take long for him to call.

"Cor," said Gladiolus.

"Where is she?" asked Cor.

"On the move, the Empire has her."

"What?!"

"They came to Lestallum. They killed Jared trying to find us and they were going to take Iris. Cia offered herself as a hostage using Iris's name. I don't know where they went, no one does."

"If they think she's Iris they'll plan on using her as bait to get to you."

Gladio sighed, "Yeah, that's what I figured."

"I'll have a look around here and get back to you tomorrow morning."

He hung up the phone before Gladiolus had a chance to reply. Pocketing the phone, he gripped the necklace tighter. Ignis didn't say anything, didn't ask about the conversation, knowing that if there was something important then the Shield would have communicated it to him. Instead, he put a hand on his shoulder a moment before going back inside the room. Gladiolus went back to toying with that necklace. It seemed to calm his nerves a little as thoughts continued to race through his head. They were all negative, only uncertain scenarios concerning Athenacia and what the Empire was doing to her. The Shield knew that she wouldn't talk, especially since she was the only one here who hadn't seen them even running around. Iris said the nurse who saved them took off outside of the city, which could only mean that she was passing by and got caught up in this mess. She was protecting Iris and the others here.

A weak shield protects naught.

Gladiolus tightened a fist. He wasn't weak and he was going to prove it; he was going to find Athenacia and bring her somewhere safe. He was going to make sure that no one close to him would even run the risk of getting hurt again. He was going to protect them, and Noctis, because he wasn't weak, he just wasn't. Even if the lingering pain of the hit he sustained was still causing him to wince once in a while. Gladio wasn't going to let anything get in his way, he was going to take them all out.

...

The morning came far too slow and Gladiolus was dozing in a chair. Anxiety kept him awake, so instead he stayed silent and eventually started reading another one of Athenacia books. The Shield ate through it in no time and then began his dozing but once the light hit his eyes he was up and alert. That wasn't the story with everyone else, however. Noctis, though restless in his sleep was still out. Prompto was stirring and Ignis was just getting up. Gladio wasn't going to rush Noctis, happy that the Prince was willing to go rescue her from the grasp of their enemy. Still, he was impatiently waiting for Cor to call him. Ignis didn't speak as he prepared himself for the day. Prompto finally opened up his eyes and then started to move around. Noctis was the only one left. Still, it wasn't like they could do anything until the Marshal had contacted them.

Gladiolus decided to leave the room, going toward the stairs and out of the hotel building. While walking, he was looking for any sign of unfriendly attention, not wanting the Empire to come back and sneak up on them. Eventually, they would find out that they didn't have the real Iris Amicitia and might want to do a double take. The Shield still couldn't believe that the doctor had done that, that she was the reason his sister had made it this far in the first place. It should have been him, he should have been the one to take care of his own family. No one would blame him, doing his duty to Noctis, but that didn't help his guilt. The Shield's wandering took him into the hospital, through the emergency department and into the waiting room. There were lots of patients here still, flooding the room with the ordeal that happened, however. Gladiolus spotted Gin quickly and motioned for her to come see him. The nurse swiftly darted to him, walking with him outside where it was less crowded. That worried frown remained on her face as she held his arm in desperation for some good news. He wished that he had some for her, he truly did. It was lucky that she was here at all or he was sure that they wouldn't have known about Athenacia's presence.

"Did you find her?" asked Gin.

"Cor's looking into it," replied Gladiolus.

Gin had tears in her eyes, "You have to find her..." she whimpered.

Gladiolus put a hand on her shoulder, "I won't stop until I do."

The nurse nodded then, hugging him and awkwardly burying her face in his chest - awkward because there was a small house where her womb used to be. Gladio tried to comfort her as best as he could before she finally took a breath and composed herself, wiping her tears as she looked back at him.

"I need you to tell me every detail. You said she looks different," said Gladiolus.

"Yeah, yeah, she's got long black hair now."

'How long?"

"It was braided off to the side so it only hung at her ribs."

Gladiolus frowned. There was no way it had grown that long in this short time.. had it? No, Iris said it was long and black too and that was the day after the city had fallen. Something seemed off about all of this.

"Anything else?"

"She cut herself some crooked bangs so that they were practically hiding her face. That braid hides her scar too, it was like she was trying to be a completely different person..."

"And this is the first time you saw her?"

"Yeah. I had no idea she was in the city. I wouldn't even if I did, only because I saw her face clearly I was able to identify her before they took her."

Gladiolus nodded, "Thanks, Gin."

"If you need anything else..."

"I know."

"Bring her back safe."

"Trust me, I will."

...

Cor had spent the entire night out since Gladiolus's phone call. The Marshal was in Duscae at the time and began to travel toward Leide as soon as he had gotten off the phone. He thought he was tracking Athenacia here in the Duscae region, on his way toward Lestallum. The trail was cold but it seemed that he was on the right track. No one had seen her, she was very careful about her interactions, but someone did mention a scared looking girl with long black hair in an old beat up truck. Cor wasn't entirely sure that was her, but it was the closest lead that he could follow. The only solace he took in this was that if he couldn't find Athenacia, then no one else could - not that he would stop trying either but being unable to turn up anything made it easier for him to sleep at night.

Not tonight, however. Gladiolus had informed him that the Empire came to Lestallum and she was spotted, protecting the people there. The Empire was going to use her as bait in the hopes of having the Prince and his Shield come after her, there was no denying that. Someone would eventually catch on that she wasn't actually Iris and by that time the young girl would be safe in Caem. Then they would try to kill Athenacia and continue their search for the Prince and the others. That was the best case scenario, the alternative mean something much more catastrophic. This just meant that the countdown was on. Cor was going to find her long before they had a chance to think about it and get her to the safe house in Caem. Then he would know where she was and what she was doing, giving him some sort of peace. There was no way to protect her if he was unsure of her whereabouts and finally, that was going to change. Cor knew for sure that he saw that big giant blue dome or else Athenacia wouldn't have gone into hiding.

As he was coming up to the barrier between Duscae and Leide he noted that there were more forces flying above his head. Cor knew where they were headed, toward that base that the hunter, Dave, had told him about. That seemed to be the only logical place to take anyone after Noctis took out the stronghold in Duscae. Frowning, the Marshal sped up on his bike, hoping to make it to Hammerhead before Dave did. He needed all the help he could get scouting the area before he knew for sure that she was in there. Cor approached the garage of Hammerhead just as the sun was beginning to peek its way over the horizon. The morning air was still and quiet as the Marshal scanned the area for any familiar faces. The barking dog led him behind the garage, the animal lying at Dave's feet. The hunter was leaning against the building with his arms crossed, looking up to acknowledge the company while Cor raised a brow at him expectantly.

"Someone is there, not sure if it's her," said Dave.

"What makes you say that?" asked Cor.

"Can't see her face but she's got long hair like you said. Only its dark, not that light colour."

"Who's got her?"

"Caligo and Loqi. Didn't see anyone else official there but they were roughin' her up a bit. Reckon they didn't like anything she was sayin' to 'em."

"She does have an attitude problem," conceded Cor, "You see where they're keeping her?"

Dave shook his head, "Had to leave, the local wildlife was hungry."

Cor grunted, "Thanks," he said once before turning to leave.

"You're going to need some backup, Cor, you can't go in there alone and hope to survive. Immortal or not," said Dave matter of factly.

"I'll keep that in mind," replied the Marshal without looking back.

...

Cor ducked down from more dreadnaughts flying their way overhead. Construction on the fort not too far away was nearly complete, but this small base was the only way they could operate the territory. It seemed that there were more Niffs here than the last time he had come to check in. His eyes darted toward the guards along the perimeter, taking it all in before walking around it while keeping to the shadows. There was no visible weak spot in the daylight so he knew instantly that he was going to have to wait until the cloaking of night. As he came in a full circle he frowned. Dave was right, there were far too many of them to take on by himself. He wasn't even sure which building she was being held in, they all looked the same. The delay was also concerning, Loqi very capable of recognizing Athenacia and raising the stakes. As long as they thought she was Iris then there wasn't much to worry about. Who knew exactly what was going on in there? His eyes darkened as he saw Tummelt coming out of one of the buildings, talking to a man obscured by the sunlight. It seemed to be a short conversation, then Loqi left through the heavily guarded gate in a vehicle. One down, one to go. Cor still couldn't see that other man but he disappeared into the same building.

Shortly after, Caligo came out with two soldiers behind him. They were forcing someone roughly down the path and toward the back exit. The Marshal kept his eyes trained on them and followed at his own distance. It was the woman Dave had described and Cor caught sight of her face. Definitely Athenacia, there was no mistaking it. Her hair was long and black, wavy and being grabbed by the fistful by his enemy. Her face was hard, that same defiant glare in her hazel eyes he came to know on a regular basis while raising her. Cor scowled as he saw Caligo give her a swift backhand, looking like it could break her neck. He didn't hear the contact but he was sure it was ugly. Athenacia instantly turned her head toward him and spit blood in his face. Cor smiled at her actions before she was struck again in the abdomen and forced into the building. Good, now he knew where she was.

The Immortal continued to observe, looking at the defences they implemented around her. The lack of guard meant they didn't see her as much of a threat. Maybe they didn't know who she really was. That suited him just fine, but the path toward her was a little concerning. Cor continued to gather his intel for at least another couple of hours before he was completely satisfied. With one last circle of the perimeter, he was sure he had everything he needed. Carefully, he pulled out of the area a little way, not wanting to attract attention to himself. Once he was in some sort of cover he grabbed his phone from his pocket and unlocked the screen.

Cor stared at the screen for a few moments, frowning. The idea of involving the others made things complicated. This was something he had been trying to avoid for years and yet, now he was here. As much as he hated to admit it, he could use their help and was certain that the Shield would be inquiring about his girlfriend soon. In the end, it was just easier to call him.

"Cor," grunted Gladiolus.

He was obviously not in a great mood.

"I found her," said Cor.

"Where?"

"Meet me Longwythe Outpost, I'll fill you there."

"We're on our way."

Cor hung up the phone before they could speak more, replacing it in the pocket and let out a heavy sigh. If they were in Lestallum even Ignis would take most of the day to get where they needed to be - which was perfect for a night assault. Since there was nothing more to do here, he decided to head back and keep an eye on things. By the time he had to leave he was sure he would have a way in and out with minimal issues, but he was also ready to take out every single last one of them if need be. He was not going to fail Athenacia anymore than he already had.

[biavenger]

Regret;

Summary: “I regret those times when I've chosen the dark side. I've wasted enough time not being happy.” -Jessica Lange

A/N: I’m taking a break from my possible Girl Crush pt. 3 (let me know if you’re really interested!) and was feeling really inspired after seeing Thor: Ragnarok. Enjoy!

The awkward silence shrouding the kitchen table was palpable, making every bite of breakfast that much harder to swallow. Loki had just arrived, chained in actual shackles, for the Avengers to keep an eye on while Thor was off on “Asgardian business” (whatever that meant- none of them were quite sure). Steve had made a valiant attempt at sparking some lighthearted conversation, but it fell flat as nobody particularly felt much like talking.

Tony had buried his nose in a newspaper, focusing way too long on the comic section to actually be reading it. Loki was pushing his eggs around on his plate, not interested in the cuisine that Midgard had to offer. Bucky was clenching a spoon so hard in his hand that it was starting to warp, and Natasha was so uncomfortable that she went to start training an hour and a half earlier than she planned to. Steve was the only one who had eaten anything at all.

The only indication that anyone else in the tower was even awake were the pitter-patter of bare feet running through the hallway leading to the kitchen, and all four men sitting at the table were silently praying that another person would be joining to make things less...well, uncomfortable. 

A bright smile lit up Y/N’s face as she dashed into the kitchen, a plate filled with the eggs and bacon that Steve had gotten up early to make for everyone. “Good morning, everyone,” she greeted as she slid into the open seat between Bucky and Steve.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Steve teased her through a mouth full of eggs, but luckily Y/N could understand him from experience, “Glad you could join us.” 

“I’m glad I could join you; I hate sleeping through breakfast,” the girl laughed, noticing the new member of their breakfast club, “Who’s this?”

“Loki, God of Mischief and son of Odin ,” Loki introduced himself before anyone else could, causing Tony to roll his eyes behind his newspaper, “Pleasure to meet you. I would offer you my hand to shake, as is the Midgardian custom, but these village idiots don’t trust me to be unchained.” 

Y/N seemed unfazed by any of the flowery titles Loki felt the need to include in his introduction, as well as his insult of her friends. Her grin seemed immovable as she replied with a simple, “Nice to meet you, too.” 

“Why can’t you hit me harder,” Y/N complained as she adjusted the grips on her hands, “Nobody’s going to take it this easy on me during a real mission!”

Bucky rolled his eyes, making eye-contact with Steve to silently ask him for help. Steve, however, just put his hands up, refusing to take a side. “You know why, doll,” Bucky replied, giving the girl a minute to adjust her fighting stance before taking a swing at her. 

Loki watched from a bench in the corner of the room, where he was very over-dramatically chained directly to a metal pillar. His jaw clenched as he watched Bucky put his hands on the girl, fixing the way she had positioned her arms in a way that would protect her body better. 

“Jealous?” Natasha seemed to materialize from the wall next to Loki, also focused on the scene before them. Loki simply snorted in response, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of the accusation. “I don’t think the idea is as crazy as you make it seem,” she replied before walking over next to Steve to give him critiques for Y/N. 

It had been several weeks since Loki’s arrival, and all the Avengers except for Y/N had insinuated that on some level, Loki must have been attracted to the woman. He couldn’t stand it.

Instead of appropriately directing his anger, he took it all out on Y/N. The girl seemed unfazed by his words and actions, though, and just continued smiling and doing her best to make him a comfortable guest in the tower.

“Can I get you anything? Water?” She had offered one day, peeking her head into the library where Loki was allowed one hour, unchained, to read books and relax- on the condition that he stayed in the room. 

“You can leave me alone,” Loki sneered in response, not even looking up from what he was reading to regard her presence, “Have you ever considered that you are the most annoying being to walk the realms, and everyone would be better off if you shut your stupid Midgardian mouth?” 

“Oh,” was all she said in response, blinking once before disappearing from the doorway, which was immediately refilled by Bucky and Natasha’s looming forms. 

“I’m going to kill him,” Bucky started charging the god, until Natasha grabbed his arm and stopped him. 

“Let me talk to him,” she said, “But if that approach doesn’t work, I call dibs on ruining his stupid face.”

Y/N tried not to cry, ever. It didn’t solve any problems, only created a new one as it caused her head to ache for the rest of the night after. However, if she couldn’t stop herself from crying, she would stop others from being able to see it.

She was practically the emotional backbone of the tower. With all the trauma that the other Avengers had gone through (Tony with the nuke, Steve with being in the ice, Natasha and the Red Room, Bucky and Hydra....the list went on), she felt her problems were minuscule at best, stupid at worst, so she took on a lot of emotional labor for everyone else in the tower. 

“Hello?” a voice accompanied a quick few raps at the door, and Y/N gave herself a final sniff before wiping the tears off her face, “Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Y/N hoped the stuffiness of her tone wouldn’t give away the fact that she had been crying, “Yeah, of course. Come on in.” 

She stood and turned to see Loki in the doorway, unaccompanied by another Avenger, and also unchained. Instead of pressing the emergency alert button that Tony had insisted to install in every bedside table in the tower, she sat back on the bed, her back to him. “If you’re going to escape, you better do it fast,” she said, feeling the weight of the bed shift as he sat across from her. 

“Please look at me,” his voice shook, causing Y/N to turn around and notice the pallor of his skin, which was alarming to her, “I didn’t mean it.”

“I can’t believe you.”

“My dear, I could have escaped any time these past few weeks if I had tried,” Loki said, reaching forward to capture her hand in both of his, “I stayed....for you. I just...said those things, because, well, I can’t understand how you can be so happy.” 

“I’m not always happy, Loki, and I haven’t had a happy life,” she explained, ignoring the hurt expression on his face as she pulled her hand away from him, “I used to work for Hydra, you know. And they treated me like trash there, and I didn’t want to be there, but they had threatened me. Bucky and Nat got me out of there, with the help of the rest of the Avengers.” Her head hung as she told the story; even years after it happened, it still hurt for her to talk about. “I had to choose to be happy, Loki. Because I couldn’t afford to live with the alternative.” 

A few tears managed to streak down her cheeks, causing Loki to reach out and brush them away with his thumb. Y/N flinched in response, before leaning into his hand. 

Loki felt encouraged to pull her closer, cupping her neck in his hand as he pressed his lips to her forehead.

“I regret those times when I've chosen the dark side,” he muttered against her skin, “I've wasted enough time not being happy.”

[buttersbots]

Charming

deviantART | Archive of Our Own | FanFiction

Word count: 1,931

For all his complaining about the outdoors, Nos-4-a2 spent an awful lot of time lounging around the gardens while Two worked in them.

At first, she teased him by asking for his help, but he unfailingly responded that he’d leave the dirt and bugs to her. When she asked him why he lazed around the dirt and bugs at all, he replied that he was free to do absolutely nothing on any part of their property he desired. It became a comfortable normalcy over the years. Whenever Two headed out with her gardening smock on the weekends, Nos was sure to follow. They didn’t talk much, but not for a lack of conversation topics ‒ it was a sort of unspoken agreement. When Two gardened for gardening’s sake, it was time to unwind and reflect. They kept watch on each other, though. That was usually all they needed. Nos often read or worked during these outings, occasionally bringing nothing at all, spending hours at a time watching the clouds or the branches or the way Two worked. Two liked it best when he didn’t have anything to occupy him, as he was most likely to drift into sleep mode then. She made a game out of covering him with all manner of leaves, blades of grass, and weeds until he woke up. Once, she’d even managed to craft and adorn him with seven clover flower necklaces before he came online. Now, on this early spring morning, as Two got to work clearing the flower bed around the gazebo in preparation for her tulips, she noticed she wouldn’t have a chance to try making any clover chains that day ‒ Nos hovered down the path tossing what looked like a chunk of scrap metal between his hands. He smiled as he approached, his fangs glinting silver in the dappled light as he passed under the budding branches that hung over the path. He made a beeline for the gazebo, passing through a gap in the low flagstone wall, just pausing to pet Two’s head before he ducked into the shade of the structure. The tiny building was supported by thin, sturdy columns of the same white concrete as the house, and its roof shared the same black solar tiles. Inside, a wrought iron table sat surrounded by four matching chairs. A wisteria tree behind the gazebo dripped with spectacular purple blossoms, providing the perfect shade for Nos-4-a2 to sit wherever he wanted. He settled into the seat that faced Two. Before she went back to work, she took the chance to peer at the object in his hands, but as far as she could tell, it really was just a piece of scrap metal. She shot him a questioning look, but he only shrugged. Two shook her head. If he wanted to play with a piece of trash, she wasn’t going to stop him. Nos watched her over his hands as she bent down as low as she could, a somewhat comical position for her stiff, streamlined body, but a natural one nonetheless. Her white frame bobbed almost imperceptibly as her thrusters made minute corrections against gravity, her arms moving completely independent from her body, giving her a weightless look. He indulged in feeling the shift in her electrical signature, marveling as always at the way it changed as she focused. All interference from different activities in her processors melted away, leaving a steady wavelength that steeped his mind in comfort. Coupled with the breeze, still nippy coming out of winter, it was the perfect working environment. He made sure Two was completely invested in her work before he rolled the scrap of metal into his left palm, appraising the shapeless lump with his thumb. His optics dimmed. Somewhere in a distant area of the gardens, windchimes rang with low, sonorous tones. He squinted. I wonder if I still remember. It was only when he was certain that Two had lost all awareness of her surroundings that he began to heat the chunk of metal with a concentrated beam of energy from his tallon. He got it glowing red hot before starting to kneed it in his fingers, evenly rolling it until it took a smooth shape. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d tried sculpting, but it came as easily as if he had been practicing every day. The Energy Vampire found himself smirking, quite pleased with his abilities. But what to mold? It had only occurred to him in passing to grab an extra scrap of metal from his workbench, just a small something to keep himself occupied so Two didn’t have another chance to prank him. His optics flicked up to make sure she was still occupied as, unconsciously, he began to define the contours of the piece of metal. Two moved with such fluidity, it was like a dance, even as her hands and arms became coated in mulch. Suddenly, Nos realized that the metal in his hands started to take the shape of an elongated, upside-down egg. He raised his eyebrow, turning it over in his hand and looking back and forth between it and his wife. Well... it was worth a shot. Nos funneled all his attention into perfecting the shape of an EVE Probe. It was surprisingly difficult, as her form was so simple that the slightest imperfection stood out like a sore thumb, and it was a long time before he was happy enough with it to start working in details. He blew on it to make sure it was cool enough to keep its shape before slowly, carefully using the tip of his talon to carve lines around the base of her head, her arms, her visor, and the design on her chest. Wait... no, it needed to be symmetrical. How was he supposed to redo it? If he reheated it, he might end up warping the whole shape. Maybe he could make the line thicker and just sort of...? No, that was even worse. He held the piece only inches away from his optic, his tongue between his fangs while he tried to fix his mistake. He was so absorbed that he didn’t even notice Two, who had straightened up and was now leaning over the railing. “What are you doing?” Nos jumped in his seat, fumbling the sculpture before clasping it between his palms. “Nothing!” Two cocked her eyeform. “That’s definitely not nothing.” “No, really, it’s just garbage.” “Nos, come on!” she reached toward him, but he ducked away from her soil-flecked fingers, holding his clasped hands at a distance. Nos gave her a defiant, stubborn glare, trying to convey an air of finality. Two narrowed her eyeforms in response. In a moment, there was a flurry of motion as Two launched herself over the railing and into the gazebo toward Nos, who narrowly darted out of her reach and into the open. “Seriously, little one, it’s none of your concern.” “Oh, it became my concern the moment you flinched! What are you hiding from me?” Two sneered, a keen, probing interest in her voice. Nos drew his mouth into a withholding line, clutching the trinket in his left hand and holding it behind his back. “Alright, if that’s the way you want to be.” The Energy Vampire barely managed to dodge as Two shot forward again. His wings sprung out of his back and made a few frantic flaps away from her, but she stayed close, lunging for his arms. Nos took off in hopes of avoiding her, the gardens shrinking beneath them. “Eve, just drop it!” “No way!” she shrieked with glee, driving him even higher. He swerved, trying to outmaneuver her. “It doesn’t matter!” “Then why are you making me chase you?” she laughed. He hardly managed to switch hands as she swooped to his left side, narrowly avoiding his wing while she grasped at his wrist. He dropped like a stone to slip her hold. “Because you’re insufferably nosy!” “Come on, I’d show you!” “You don’t even know what it is!” “I would if you’d just let me see it!” Nos-4-a2 pushed his wings as hard as he could, swerving and pitching to throw her off, baffled by how agile she flew even while wearing an apron full of gardening tools. He couldn’t hope to out speed her, and if she managed to latch on, he wouldn’t be any match for her strength. His only chance would be to take her by surprise. Going with his first impulse, he halted on a dime and wound his arm back to throw the little charm as hard as he could into the grass fields beyond their garden wall. He regretted it as soon as he noticed the way her eyeforms locked onto his fist. Suddenly, they were both diving after the glimmering speck of metal, racing gravity, scrambling for possession of the tiny object. Nos was sure he had recovered, but as soon as he began to grab it, Two streaked past and his hand closed on thin air. The little probe gave a triumphant cry, thrusting her fist with the trinket above her head. Nos groaned and sunk back to ground level, finding himself quite far from the gazebo, now in a portion of the gardens filled with rose bushes and a small fountain. He scowled at her form high above him, now stationary, scrutinizing the charm in her hands. “Nos,” she called down after a moment, “did you make this?” “I told you, it’s trash.” “No,” Two hovered down to his height, not taking her eyeforms off the sculpture. “Is it supposed to be me?” “I hadn’t finished, I was going to toss it anyway ‒ ” “Oh, but Nos, you can’t!” she grasped it protectively, looking up at him. “Seriously... I had no idea you knew how to do stuff like this. It’s... it’s incredible!” “...You think so?” “Why are you saying that like it’s so unbelievable? Of course! This is amazing, it looks just like me! Why didn’t you want me to see? You’re a real artist,” Two beamed. Nos felt a surge of energy work through his circuits. “Anyone could do that if they had the time. I wanted to refine my skills a bit before I showed you anything.” “Well, I can’t imagine you need much improvement! It looks like it was 3D printed. Will you please finish this for me?” she offered the trinket back to him. “Really?” “I won’t make you if you don’t want to ‒ I’d just keep it the way it is now, but you said you weren’t done, and you looked really focused before I interrupted you.” Nos sneered and took it back. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you interrupted me, then I would have finished and shown you without any fuss.” “Where’s the fun in that?” she laughed. He motioned as if to roll his optic. “So you’ll finish it?” “I might as well if you’re really such a big fan of my work,” he sighed, beginning to stroll back in the direction of the gazebo. “Ooooh, I can’t wait to show it to everyone I know!” Nos halted. “Now, hold on a minute.” “One will be so surprised she might want one for herself! Do you think you could make Wall.E? Have you ever tried sculpting yourself? How cute would it be to have a matching pair? Oh, I’ll keep it in my work apron all the time, Jenny is going to love it!” “Now that you put it like that, I might change my mind.”

[brokenhayatim]

kaçamadım

my conversation with my sisters is sort of stuck in my head and the whole point of this video call was just a normal checkup so we all said one good thing about our week and i kept dodging and everyone kept pushing me to just say one good thing. and the amazing thing about my mind is that nothing comes solo, it’s always layered with something. once you scratch, it just continuously bleeds. so there i was trying to think of one good thing, and i couldnt event think of one. so naturally i purged the most basic trouble on my mind and it ended up being a 2 hour conversation with me stupidly breaking down and crying. but there was a moment in there that let the string loose. one of my sisters said that i had to be honest with myself, what am i afraid of? to which i replied that i was honest with myself and then stuttered with many pauses in between that i just didnt want to be attached to anyone. there was this odd silence. 

i hate being dependent on people, in any actual way. i hate taking people’s resources, when given to me, if i have nothing more to give back in that next second. it’s like chains that hold you down and they’re just so heavy and eventually you just get so tired. i dont like caring, trusting or loving people. i would immediately say i want to reverse but, then i think of people showing up for me in my moments of weakness or to care for me or to congratulate me and i cant stand that either. so what do i want? how would i expect someone to love me, what i need, when i don’t allow them to in every way?

“healing is hard” but i never realized how much it would take from you to simply move. i went to therapy for what, a year, and just thought i was good and fixed. how foolish that is now. bc it seems like i’ve done nothing in retrospect and i hate it. i hate that i thought myself to be someone better, stronger, wiser. i’ve painted this beautiful fantasy of growth in everyone’s head, starting with my own, when i’ve barely done anything. and then everything at the end just seems farther. and i’ve been told i dont give myself enough credit bc im somewhere along the path, but trust me when i say im not. i’m just real good at creating stories. i wish i didnt have to be reset every day. i wish something didnt have to hurt to make me feel okay. i wish so many things that i can’t get. what changes if i’m more afraid, more sad, even angry?

this week, somewhere between me sleeping and crying, i thought about how it feels for me. and its like that monster in your nightmares latching onto you, as you scream and twist, it gets stronger and even when it lets go as you quiet, there’s this touch of it all along your skin like this infection you can’t get rid of. you can scratch, you can cry, you can scream for help but there’s nothing there. its a nightmare. and there’s apart of you that becomes used to loneliness, the darkness that surrounds you in this nightmare to where help just seems useless. but you want it out of you so bad so you spend your hours curled into yourself crying for no one, but you. the next day you’re given this escape, this fantasy of not thinking of it for a while, so you take it and soon warp you reality on the calmness it made you feel. but the infection never leaves you. no matter how you think your healing. 

add: its interesting to recognize how many people i give half, or less, of myself to, then why? [war flashback to therapy]

add: im rlly bad at physical intimacy but when helplessness takes a real hot toll, sometimes i wish i had it. but like only for a second. then we never speak of it again yes.