#but i feel guilty being afforded this level of intimacy when *I* am gaining a tainted version of the joy
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*DEEP SIGH* man...............................................
#i ummmmmmmm ummmmmmmm uuuhhhhhh mmmmmmm uhhhh yeah :)#i really like this guy but ummmm hmmmm#i feel really guilty about it because well okay so we have a really comfortable and close relationship#which is like normal and good right? yeah right. BUT for him its just a close friendship with someone you get along with really well#which is all fine and dandy and good#but for me its like. the same. but also. teehee. 😋😊. i want him. yknow?#so i feel like my actions and joy from the friendship are tainted by my further desires even if like my actions are 100% reciprocated in#in kind**#like everything i do he does too so like. its not like im doing anything bad. but it feels like it should be bad.#also he was in a relationship until 3 days ago#so like. i dont want to be too much. i wouldnt want to regardless of the relationship actually but i digress#i think actually whats going in is we have a level of intimacy which is completely normal for good friends who see each other all day every#everyday but im not used to that anymore because its been god like 5 years since highschool and thus wouldve seen my bestie that much and#had that level of intimacy#but also like that doesnt change the fact that i DO want him like that much remains true and outside of our relationship#but i feel guilty being afforded this level of intimacy when *I* am gaining a tainted version of the joy#and i say tainted not in a ewwwww relationships are evil kind of way but in a not quite ulterior motive kind of way because i do NOT have#further goals with my actions i act to maintain the status quo of our relationship but i DO get more than what is seen on the surface i#suppose?????#its like im embezzling romantic joy from a purely non romantic intimate friendship if that makes ANY sense#and thats were my guilt comes from because im like TEEHEE what if this but more#but like#its NOT bad and i SHOULDNT be guilty and i KNOW this#in fact i think i actually act LESS than what is expected of me from him because im afraid of overstepping my bounds#but WHATEVER none of this matters because he doesnt want me anyways lol#but im so incredibly happy with the way our relationship is he is SUCH a good friend its crazy#but also i want to [redacted]#ive said enough i dont need to be cringe on top of showing my soul
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