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lisyoaran · 4 years ago

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We fill the gaps; You and Me make Three

Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, 3.9k words. Undercut.

link to (ao3)

They find each other in between afternoons and mornings. In rooms only lit by the abundant stars and occasional moon, they come together. His hands trace her figure. Palms skate down her sides and smooth over the light fabric of the hoodie on her back. He squeezes her covered flesh between his hands, a reminder of sorts; she’s alive, she’s here, she’s real .

He can’t count the number of nights, during her time within her crystalized defense, that he’s dreamt of her. Every single one began the same way; him sleeping in his room. A hand over his naked chest, his breathing calm and measured, until the door to his room opens. The rickety old piece of wood would scrape against the floorboards. The sound would cause him to suddenly sit up and thoroughly rubs his eyes. When he opened them he’d see her, leaning sideways behind the door, half of her torso visible, her face hidden in the darkness, the only discernible thing about her appearance are her bangs. Her already pale hair looks doused in silver, because of the moonlight peeking through his windows.

‘Annie,’ he’d let out in disbelief. The whisper of her name on his lips, would make her slowly slither into his room, until her back was pressed against the closed door. Now her body fully bathed in the moonlight, he’d notice she wasn’t in the Military Police uniform she had crystalized with, but in a loose white nightgown that fluttered against her ankles. That should’ve been the first sign, but dreams are meant to be realities one wishes were true, so he’d will himself to believe that Annie was indeed in his room.

His heartbeat would pick up, the fingers that had been splayed over his bare chest would shake as his heart thumped loudly against his ribcage. Without a second thought, he’d push off the flimsy piece of fabric covering his lower half and push his legs to the bed. He’d watch her quietly as she made her way towards his bed, her body moving so mindfully; she’d remind him of what he had once read in a book. ‘Animal who are believed to be higher in the food chain tend to pursue their prey carefully, they do not wish to lose their means of survival and so they proceed with caution, creating a false sense of security before jumping in for the kill.’

But if she was the predator and he the prey, he foolishly admits, he’d gladly let her kill him. If it means he can see her ocean eyes flutter open again and her warm flesh on his fingertips, he’d gladly take a knife to the back or the death grip of the Female Titan.

After a couple of minutes of mindless thinking, Armin would be brought to his senses by a weight settling on his laps. Somehow while he was thinking about animals and the food chain, she had found her way towards him, with both of her knees on either side of his hips. His throat would go dry, his arms on his sides, hands gripping the sheets while her own hands remained near his collarbones. It felt almost as if she were back to being a statue, her whole being frozen, despite their position, a position she had initiated . Her head would also be slouched, hidden from his gaze. His left hand would then move slowly, cautiously with the intent of tilting her chin towards his face, so he could see her eyes, but within the second he’d reach her skin, he’d wake up in pants, his body cold and drenched in sweat,

A dream.

And yet tonight was real, and so were the last few nights-- Her right index traces his brow bone and he gazes up at her. Her eyes are as impassive as ever, hidden behind the countless strands of her light blonde hair, but he can see traces of concern within the silver. He tilts his head slightly to the left to catch her palm with his lips, he hopes she understands what he tells her;

Sorry I got distracted.

I’m here now,

Her soft pink lips twitch slightly before she bites down on her lower lip and turns away from his gaze. He knows why they meet at night, because she can’t bear to see him in daylight. It’s not him , at least he hopes it isn’t. He thinks he knows why; the reason why Annie can’t bear to look at him during the day is the same as why he can’t stare at his own reflection for longer than a second.

When did you start looking at me like that?

But it’s not her asking him that this time. It’s himself. He sees himself standing before him. The other him, has his eyes and heart gouged out. He’s weeping blood, coughing it up until his white button down is drenched in it. His other self moves slightly towards him, and he flinches. Are you disgusted by all that we have done Armin, the reflection asks. Armin thinks there is a metaphor or some poetic meaning to that delusion of his. Maybe it’s guilt, for seeking the best in people that are beyond help, or in situations that are hopeless. Or maybe it's for being a hypocrite; preaching about peace and other ways to achieve goals that don’t end in bloodshed, all the while having killed thousands and eaten someone he once called comrade and friend.

But.

It’s not him , it’s his blood stained hands, he thinks, as his thumb and forefinger grasp her chin, and tilts her face towards his.

It’s how despite this, despite the blood clinging onto his fingers and crawling under his nails, his eyes portray the calm, and not the storm that he has caused. A false sense of comfort that he has implemented so deeply into his being, to forget the guilt, that it shows within his eyes.

So it’s not him, he tells himself even though he knows it kind of is. He leans his forehead and touches hers. She inhales sharply, and he breathes out ‘ I’m sorry,’ at the same time.

At his words she moves away from his touch and raises a brow. “What are you apologizing for?” She asks, her voice softer than it has ever been, but still with a threatening edge. He chuckles, embarrassed. His cheeks feel hot, he doesn’t know if it’s because of the concern she has for him or the stern tone of her voice.

He lifts the hand that isn’t clinging onto her waist to his eyes, and tells her. “I am sorry for being a hypocrite.” At her words her brows pull themselves together, and he mentally slaps himself at the image before him. All he wanted was to soothe her worries and yet here he is making her feel even more anxious. These nights are meant to be silent, a way for them to map out each other without being forced to deal with the unsaid and yet here he was saying what should remain unsaid.

All he wants to do is touch the tense area between her brows softly, and trace her lips with his own, but he knows he’s opened a door that cannot be closed until they’ve somewhat aired out all that had been brewing within both of their souls.

She clears her throat before asking him why exactly he thinks that he is a hypocrite. His shoulders tense up, and she must feel it because her grip on them suddenly becomes a bit tighter. She’s fighting to keep him from drifting away.

“I, Annie...I am not a good person.” He tells her, his voice barely a whisper. He hears her let out a soft chuckle, “If you aren’t a good person, then I might as well be the Devil , Armin.”

Armin’s eyes widened at her words. He knew how she had never forgiven herself for all the bloodshed she had caused; he saw it in the way she flinched when Mikasa would touch her arm, a touch meant to be comforting would have her recoiling, as if she had been burned. He saw it in the way she refused politely to join him or the others during simple outdoor tasks or activities (not his idea, but Levi’s, for some reason their ex-captain is hellbent on having them spend quality time together).

He feels her shift, her face once again turning away from his own. Her eyes become focused on how the moonlight splays against his collarbones. The quietness that has settled between them isn’t uncomfortable per say, but he still fights to find the right words to say, because he has to make her believe that she is not the Devil she claims to be and he, not the pacifist Saint, most see him as.

Slowly he moves the hand that had been covering his eye towards her face. His palm cups her cheek. Unconsciously, Annie leans into his touch, and he feels a warmth bloom within his chest, his face softens. “Annie,” he says, his voice, soft, trying to coax her to look at him.

“Remember how I told you I didn’t like the term ‘ good person’? I meant that.” He says while brushing his thumb against her cheek. If he weren’t so close to her face he probably wouldn’t have noticed how her brows furrowed for a millisecond. “I do.” She says after a beat.

She tucks her nose into his shirt and inhales deeply, her arms now enlaced around his torso, her fingers crawling across his back to grasp his shoulder blades. The action takes him by surprise, he stiffens, as the hand that had been holding her cheek finds itself suddenly frozen midair.

Before she can second guess herself (something he knows she’s quite fond of unfortunately), he places his hand on her arm, rubbing circles onto it to soothe her anxiety away. Her breathing is slow and measured, and he takes that as a sign to tilt his head sideways and lay his cheek on the top of her head.

It’s quite comforting, and more intimate than anything she and they have ever done. They’ve kissed, touched and groped many times before and yet nothing could compare to the warmth she felt right now, in his embrace.

“We are not good people,” She hears his muffled voice. She flinches at ‘We,’ because she knows she isn’t, but to hear the words tumble out from his lips causes a different kind of pain. She knows he’s a master in deception, hell, she’s been at its mercy, but she also knows he’s incredibly honest when he needs to be.

He must feel her hurt, because in the next instant, he’s moving her away from his chest and grasping her chin between his thumb and forefinger. She casts her eyes down, she doesn’t think she can bear to look at him in the eyes, even if the darkness clouds most of the emotions within them.

“A good person, seems to mean any one person, who is only good for you, and I don’t think there is anyone who is good for everyone.” He tells her softly, and Annie recalls the same words from the time he had confronted her after the 57th expedition.

“Annie…” His voice is hoarse, “please look at me.” Her heart thunders against her chest, she’s scared. She can’t. Not when his eyes will show her the truth, show her just how much of a monster she is.

Armin doesn’t insist again, instead lets the plea hang in between them. He knows why they meet at night. Darkness clouds vision.

Light offers too much of a window into each other’s souls; and Armin knows that she cannot look at him just as much he can’t look into her own eyes. But he also knows that he cannot live a life without being by her side or a life where she cannot forgive herself.

He resolves to tell her, even if she isn’t looking at him because he knows how much they both need to hear the truth.

His thumb and forefinger stay at her chin as he begins talking again but she doesn’t move her eyes away from the buttons at the bottom of his shirt. “We have killed countless.” He says before stopping as if he had just stepped on a twig that would unleash a beast onto him.

“Comrades, children, parents, daughters, sons, lovers,” she notes the way he whispers the last word. “We are not good people, because we haven’t been good to many people, we have killed their flesh, torn their bones.” He continues.

As he takes in a deep breath he sends the hand not holding her chin, behind his back, to grab one of the hands she has splayed on his back. His grasp is rough, prying, at first she doesn’t understand why, but then realizes that she had been unconsciously clinging onto him. Pushing his thumb into her palm, he brings her hand between them and leans towards her, his back curving in a way she knows must be uncomfortable. The springs in the old mattress under them creak as he moves his rear closer to the edge in order to accommodate this new position.

She feels him wobble a bit, but doesn’t move away, because she knows he’s got her, and even if he didn’t she’d just drag him down to the ground with her.

His thumb draws circles into her palm slowly as the tip of nose buries itself in her bangs. “We both have blood on our hands, and there’s nothing we can do about that.”

She lets out a shaky breath as the fingers within his grasp twitch. He continues, “I understand why you can’t look at me Annie, and I think you understand why I can’t look at you, and most in the eyes either, too.”

And she does, well maybe, she’s not sure why Armin would look away from anyone, when he’s almost the physical embodiment of the Sun, so she keeps quiet.

Armin takes her silence as a cue to continue, but the words get stuck in throat when he’s reminded once again of the dreams he’s had of her, unwillingly, he lets out a chuckle. Her head jumps at the sound, he’s met with her eyes, finally. He cannot believe that it took a little laugh from him to make her look at him, and not all the words that had been pouring out from his heart, but then again Annie is never predictable, and he loves her for it.

He takes this as an opportunity to straighten his back and adjust his grasp on her chin, he doesn’t ever want her to look away. He sees her lips part, eyes widen but before she can say anything, a groan falls from his lips. “Man, that was not the best thing for my back,” he says with a dry laugh, as he slowly lets go of the hand he had been holding to go soothe the ache in his back. He’s met with her own hand, pushing three of her fingers with force at the dip of his back. His eyes soften at the action. Annie feels her cheeks heat up under his gaze, she tries to turn her face to the side, but before she can, his grasp on her chin becomes a bit more forceful, not hard or painful, but just enough to tell her that he does not want her to move anymore.

Her hand stays on his back while he brings his hand to her face, his thumb glides from her brow bone to the corner of lips, and now she can’t tear her eyes away even if his gaze is eating up her heart. He looks at her so earnestly. With such open adoration, that she can’t breathe. How does one look at a monster like that? She thinks.

His hand now cups her cheek fully, “Hey Annie, are you still with me?” She must’ve dozed off, because his eyes are now filled with slight concern, she nods slowly, still looking into his eyes. He gives her a kind smile before taking a strand of hair between two fingers and twirling it.

“Why did you laugh?” She asks, because she is actually curious, and she can’t lie, she wishes to hear the genuine content sound again.

He smiles at her then, his eyes crinkling, teeth showing, and she wishes suddenly that there was more light in the room, so she could capture the scene and stash it deep within her mind, for darker days.

“I, uh-” he begins, “I’ve dreamed of you. I’ve dreamed of us, in a similar position as we are in right now.” She looks at him, and she must’ve looked threatening because in the next instant he’s stammering up apologies. “It was never lewd, I wouldn’t dare.” He says as his gaze drops from her eyes. She surprises herself by sending the hand that wasn’t on his back to his cheek, to tilt his head back towards hers. His eyes widen and his mouth opens, she nods, “Go on.”

He tells her, with his eyes staring into hers, that in these dreams, dreams he had for years, she would come to him during the night, with moonlight shining down on their features. And how she’d make her way to his lap in these dreams. She raises her left brow at the image, and once again he tells her ‘never lewd.’

“But I could never touch you, in these dreams.” He tells her. “I couldn’t make you look at me, I wanted to see you.” She hears the frustration in his voice, and sees it in the way his brows knit together, her eyelids drop. “What did you want to see?”

“I wanted to see you for who you were. All your sins and all your scars, because in the end we were- we are , similar, I believe you’re good while you don’t and you think I am admirable when I believe the opposite. And, he stops, I know it all seems paradoxical when laid out in front of us, but I feel like despite what we see in each other, you can see through me like no one else.”

She takes in his words, because it's a lot. They’ve never discussed this much about their feelings, burdens or the blood staining their fingers before. She understands him though, what he means. She always has, even during their training days, she remembers wanting to learn more about him, a boy with hope and kindness in his eyes, a kindness that did not waver even when he had cornered her after finding out she was the Female Titan. She knew he had seen horrid things, his comrades dying left and right and yet he remained somewhat hopeful, and she wished to see him, all of it, the bravery, the deception and also see him sag down in exhaustion, see him not be kind, because she knew he must feel a tremendous amount of pressure from guilt and the expectations set by his predecessors.

“Armin, I look at you admirably, because you are admirable.” His eyes widen as his mouth parts in protest, but she silences him with an index to his lips. “But, that doesn’t mean that’s all I see, I also see guilt, I see the uncertainty and fear of being a burden to others. I can’t control the way I look at you, or how I feel about you, but know this, I know that there is much more to you than the peacemaker and Colossal weapon most see you as.”

His shoulders sag in relief, and she lets herself take a breath, before her nerves finally give in. She takes refuge in the crook of his neck. She’s grateful that he doesn’t ask her to look at him again, instead the hand on her chin moves against her back, back and forth.

He pushes his nose into her hair and inhales deeply, “and you Annie, are much more than the Devil you see yourself as; you are a daughter, a strong-minded, caring and kind person, I wish you understood and saw what I see, but like I said we are both knee deep in our sins to believe what others say about us.”

“But I want you to understand that when I look at you, I am not undermining or ignoring your sins and struggles, I acknowledge them and take them into my heart because I love you, all of you, and you can do with that what you will.” He finishes.

She stiffens as tears begin spilling out from the corner of her eyes, she doesn’t know why, but she lets them fall. They wet his button down, and if he notices he doesn’t say anything, only lets her let herself crawl deeper into the warmth he’s created.

When she thinks she’s cried enough, she slowly moves away from his neck. Her face must be a mess, she knows her eyes most likely a bit swollen, and her cheeks covered in tears, her nose is runny but he still looks at her like she’s some type of fucking constellation she knows he’s read about and rambled happily about to his friends.

“Do you always talk to the girls you take to bed, to death Arlert?” She asks in hiccups as she pushes the sleeve of her hoodie to her nose to wipe it. He lets out a small laugh before cupping her face in both hands, using his thumbs to wipe away any tears left. “Only the ones I love, now let's get this off of you yeah?” He says as he tugs slightly at the hoodie that now has a sleeve covered in snot.

Not her proudest moment she’ll admit, but she forgets her embarrassment somewhat when she feels his hands glide up her bare back. Her own hands come to the back of his head, her nails gliding over his undercut and her fingers tangling themselves into his hair.

She tilts her hips upwards as he begins to trace a path down her throat with his nose, “I love you,” she says finally, and he smiles into her skin. “I sure hope you do, I don’t think my poor little heart could handle a little white lie, from little miss Annie.”

She groans in annoyance at his words and nickname, before moving her hands to his chest to unbutton his shirt. When she’s done with his last button, they both rush to push off the garment. Her hands move down his back, which is firmer, still lean but now also with much more mass than before. His hands grip her thighs as he moves them fully on the bed. His arms find themselves on each side of her head, holding him up above her. His face looks down on her, hair slipping in front of his eyes. And she wants to see him, so she pushes herself onto her elbows and pushes her left hand horizontally against his hair, until she can see his eyes, brows and hairline. “We need to get you some hair clips, Arlert.” She says with a giggle.

“Is that so?” He asks he lowers one arm, now leaning onto his elbow too, while sending the other arm to slither down her back. She takes her free hand and places an index to her cheek, false contemplating. “Hm, that and matches, because I want to see you.”

“Yeah?” He breathes out, as if he’s shocked at her statement. “Yeah.” She confirms, with a shy smile.

“I can arrange that,” he says before sealing his lips over hers.

#armin arlert #annie leonhart #armin x annie #aruani #i mean like i dont wanna clog the main tags for the show?#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #but i doubt it cause they post content everyday .. anyways

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somanyerikas · 3 years ago

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Nostalgia sells - or does it? About BBC’s rehiring of a previous showrunner for Doctor Who as a marketing strategy

All, right, this is the one where I deal with my issues about RTD’s rehiring from the standpoint of BBC’s business strategy . Brace for passive agression, swearwords, brief history of british television and numbers. So, so many numbers.

Allright, so I already wrote a post about my problem with RTD’s (re)hire from the creative standpoint (it’s here in case you’re interested), but hey, I can bitch about it all I want, but we all know what caused the BBC to make this decision, right? You’ve heard about it for sure. The Dropping Ratings. You’ve read about it on so many posts, lots of them probably oh-so-gladly conflating this fact with their own opinion about the deteriorating quality of the show. (Don’t worry, we’ll get to that.) So Obviously the execs at the Big BBC Quarters needed to do something about it, and what better way to go than rehire a guy who’s run at Doctor Who is a warm childhood memory for so many in it’s fanbase? After all, it’s what we’re seeing nowadays: from Star Wars return to wave of 80′s nostalgia to every old blockbuster star doing a comeback, there is but a single conclusion - nostalgia sells.

Or does it?

Part One: Moving with the change; or very much refusing to.

Let’s start this off with some facts about the ratings for Doctor Who. (Well, I warned you there’s gonna be numbers, didn’t I. Stick with me, I’m going somewhere with this I promise.) In it’s beginnings, in the sixties and seventies , the series flown high, averaging a viewership from 8 up to 10 million viewers per season. Collin Baker’s series 17 brought in a record of 11.21 milion viewer asses in front of a good ol’ TV screen, real champagne opener here. But, as it happens, things were downhill from here. During the eighties, the rating started dropping steadily, reaching an all-time low of 4.15 milion couch-warming bottoms in 1989, the last season of the classic era.

Years passed, 16 of those years to be exact, and here comes our saviour RTD. Under his wings, the revived series premiered, bringing in over 10 milion viewers to the premiere episode of season 1, Rose. A viewership this high did not last for long, but still, RTD’s seasons averaged between 7 and 8 milion viewers per season, which seemed pretty respectable. But then, as the story likes to repeat itself, not unlike the bbc execs just did, along came the decline again. Ever since 2010, the ratings began steadily dropping again, from 7.95 in 2010 to 5.46 in 2017. Then DW experienced an unexpected peak in 2018 with the premiere of Jodie Whittaker’s first season, which averaged 7.96 viewing asses, but then continued the dropping trend on the next season, averaging 5.40 viewing butts.

So what went wrong?

You see, part of the reason that Doctor Who was bringing in such great viewership numbers in the 60′s and 70′s, was that, to put it simply, BBC did not have much competition. Or, to be exact, only had one competitor. ITV was literally founded in order to break BBC’s monopoly over British television. But in the 80′s, with the launch of Channel 4 and Sky, the british viewers had more and more options to choose from. So logically speaking, they no longer had to watch BBC’s programming just because there was nothing else on. There was more and more new programes to boredom-watch. And here’s something y’all need to know about the tv industry: the boredom-watchers, the casuals? That’s the most important demographic. As hard as it might be to swallow, us hardcore fans, forum dwellers and Ao3 gremlins, we’re not as big of a group as we’d like to think. Loving fans are important to the tv execs as providers of word-of-mouth advertisment, but the real numbers come from the casual, everyday viewer who will just put on the next episode cause the other one was kinda fun I guess. Or more fun than the other options, anyway.

And this is why, by the way, when someone is conflating low viewership with the show Dissapointing The Fans, they’re full of shit. I’m sorry, but we’re really not that much of a force here, definitely not enough to make such a big impact on the numbers. Another factor, that some of you probably noticed already, is that the numbers I’m quoting are from british tv only, while the online fandom is very much international, so our opinions matter even less to the british execs, I’m sorry again, hard pill to swallow I know, but true nonetheless.

But I digress. So, to sum up the previous paragraph, Doctor Who’s viewership decline in the 80′s was the effect of the changing landscape of the TV industry, with which the BBC struggled to come to terms with.

Sound familiar?

Let’s move on to the 2010′s, shall we?

2010 was is actually a good marker of a year to choose, because it marks one important thing that begun a big change in the industry. This was the year in which Netflix expanded their services overseas, from being a DVD rental company to providing VOD services. Over the next decade streaming services grew in importance, from being an add-on to your cable TV that you didn’t really want but they were throwing it in for cheap, to very much self-sustainable media services you might very well buy instead of buying the cable. And if you look at the numbers for Doctor Who viewership declining over the last 10 years, that’s precisely what’s been happening. It’s not that people don’t want to watch Doctor Who on tv, they don’t want to watch tv in general. Do you know what was the most popular channel in Britain this year? Can you guess? Fucking Netflix that’s what. It’s just slowly-yet-steadily ceasing to be the way we use home entertainment anymore. Again, not much to do with the audience approval, because for that matter, let’s see about the specific episodes that saw the spikes in viewership.

Rose, which i mentioned at the start of it, was for the longest time the unquestionable queen when it comes to viewership, at 10.81 milion. The next episode, The End of the World, pulled in 7.97 - almost 3 millions worth of lost viewer-butts in one week? Is it because it was so much worse than it’s predecessor? No, it simply did not have the smell of Newness, the Event You Must See, and as such brought forth less of the casual viewers who were simply curious about The New Thing. The next season followed the similar formula, peaking at the premiere, when the marketing was at it’s strongest, going down during the season, sometimes rising slightly for the finale, sometimes not. The most popular episodes are, of course, the specials - yet again, the vibe of The Event To Be Seen worked here, but one more thing working to their advantage is they often aired in spaces between seasons, serving as both a long-waited Crumbs of Content for the fans, and the basically stand-alones for the casuals. Do you know what the single most watched episode of revived DW is? No, it’s not Tennant’s goodbye with the role (yeah I know, I thought it had to be that as well). It was Voyage of the Damned, between seasons 3 and 4. The perfect standalone for the casual watcher. And last but not least, you know one more special feature that brought, maybe not as much, but definitely more than expected? The 1996 movie Doctor Who, with 9.08 million. Again, a perfect standalone.

But the standalones aren’t the only way to grab the viewership. The currently-highest viewing non-special episode of DW? The Woman Who Fell to Earth, Jodie Whittaker’s introduction. In 2018 no less, in the year when the streaming was the ruler supreme, this episode brought a whooping 10.96 million buts to the good ol’ TV again. Let me reiterate: this episode brought in more viewers than Rose did in 2005, while having WAY more competition and way less favorable circumstances of release that RTD’s debiut did. Not only that, it managed to bring on some numbers for the entire season as well, not as good of course as the premiere (because again, the Event vibes faded), but still brought a better average than the last six seasons did. (Again, let me reiterate: more than the last SIX seasons. More viewership than any series since 2010, since the Streaming Wars.) So clearly, this must be the way, right? Catering to this Weird New Trend, that saw directors notice there do in fact exist other actors than white men, that surely brought in some profit, even Marvel does it now, right? Out with the old, in with the new!

Part 2 The Deceitful Charm of Nostalgia

Well, it turns out the whole Doing New Things deal didn’t work out that well after all, now did it? The second season penned by Chibbnal averaged 5.40 milion, that’s 2.5 million drop from the previous one! It must mean it didn’t work, right? Well, yes and no. As much as the refreshment of the formula as simple as Let’s Put A Woman In It absolutely worked for one season, it very visibly did not hold up for longer. An Event-Episode is something that can still happen on TV, Event-Series? That’s pretty much reserved for streaming now, if you think about it, and it’s honestly kind of a miracle that Series 11 did as well as it had. Two consecutive Event-Series on network tv? Flat out impossible.

So how to make those ratings great again? How to get those butts in seats of the Good Ol’? Well, the execs of the BBC have a plan for that. They brought in a devouring beast, and it’s name is: Nostalgia.

Without a doubt, there is a number of people who feel nostalgic about RTD’s era of Doctor Who. It’s a lot of people’s fond childhood memory, or the series they started with, and judging by the numbers, there should be quite a lot of them. So the new plan, as it appears, is to get to those who maybe lost interest in the show and lure them with the promise of the thing That Is Totally Like The Thing You Used To Love, Remember? (This is why I don’t actually think that RTD will be allowed to do anything new and interesting, that’s not what they hired him for. And that’s why I think this is bad from the creative standpoint.) So there are two questions here: One, will the people be lured? And two, for how long?

Nostalgia as a marketing strategy is something that you’re probably sick of seeing already (I know I am). But it has very much been effective on many levels, especially the eighties-baiting, Stranger Things style, can bring a new IP up to relevance. But what about old IP’s that want to have a comeback?

It’s kind of dificult to find another TV show that I could compare to Doctor Who. Most series that have been running for that long are mostly soap operas, that operate on slightly different rules, and are also targeted to a different audience. So as much as the movie series is still not exactly the best comparison, when I think about a big IP, campy sci-fi, family-oriented (at least in theory) on its path back to relevance, I think about Star Wars, obviously. The Force Awakens gambled on that nostalgic feeling and won big, but the next two movies, while still financially successful, were nowhere near the astounding success of the first one. And that’s because - you guessed it - it created the Event You Must See again, The Great Comeback, but merely two years later, the comeback became old news. So what we can gain from that is that nostalgia can create an Event as well as a new trend, if not better. But the question remains: how long will that last?

That is, after all, the main difference between a movie franchise and a TV series in the traditional, network TV sense of the word: movie franchise must bring in the viewership every year or two, and TV series must bring in viewers every week for at least two months. Is RTD’s Nostalgia Vibes enough to provide for that?

I’ll say this: I’m absolutely certain that the 60th anniversary will be very popular. I still don’t think it will break any records because, as I’ve been trying to explain for this whole post, it is not 2007 anymore no matter how much the tv execs would like it to be. But ironically, the almost-certain success of the special is the very thing that could undermine the effect of bringing their precious Nostagia Boi back onboard. Remember, the first Event Episode is The Big Oof. That’s the one that gets asses to the Good Ol’, if anything ever does. After the first big event one, that’s the point when things start going down. They’re wasting their Special Event Boi for something that already would be an event, dear fucking gods, I hate your plan and I would still execute it better. Either have RTD be the Anniversary Guy and then hire someone new, use that hype and keep it going, OR have RTD come in after the anniversary, then at least you get the Event Effect for the premiere of his first return season. Fukin’ amateurs.

But even if they did that, here’s the thing: do you think that the people who departed from the show years ago actually want to watch another three to five seasons of The RTD Show? I mean, I’m sure the thought warmed some hearts, for sure. A number of people will definitely gladly watch the anniversary, probably the first few episodes of the first return to the basics, but after that? In the world when, due to streaming, they have an easy way to revisit the actual thing they’re nostalgic towards? I honestly don’t think so. And you’re not really gonna get many new people by going back, if that nostalgia factor isn’t there. And then there’s casual viewers, the backbone, as we established. And here’s the thing: lots of those people don’t even know who the current showrunner is, cause they’re not Terminally Online like we are, and the second thing? Lots of those people ARE JUST NOT WATCHING NETWORK TV, IM SORRY GARRY. They’re just. They’re just not. I don’t know how to spell it out better. Even my mum has netflix now. Your biggest base is in another castle mate, gotta get moving and gotta get moving quick, cause here’s another thing: all the nostalgia in the world will not do SHIT for you if your target, people who were kids/teens when the RTD era was airing, PROBABLY DON’T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING TV ANYMORE CAUSE THEY MOVED OUT OF THEIR PARENTS FLAT AND LOTS OF YOUNG PEOPLE JUST DON’T BOTHER. Just. I’m sorry but you’re trying to resuscitate a decade-deceased corpse there buddy. It just won’t work. The times have changed and you gotta swim or drown, and it’s just not gonna be 2005 again, no matter how hard you pretend it is. It’s not your content it’s your business model. Just push more marketing for your iplayer or whatever, focus on streaming as your primary not your secondary cause that’s just what it is now, and maybe don’t rely on the viewer-counting systems of the yesteryear to evaluate your business. Or else you’re gonna get stuck sacrificing the creative growth of your show for a marketing strategy that probably won’t even fucking WORK.

There, I got it of my chest. Feel free to reblog, and also: you somehow got to the end of this, congrats! I’ll make numbers nerds out of y’all yet.

#it's like. my sister and I were #watching a movie lately. the one with multiple will smiths and the de-aging tech #(don't recommend it it's real boring)#but when Youngened Will Smith appeared on the screen my sister got my spiting my tea laughing by innocently saying:#"oh i don't know this actor. it's nice that they're giving opportunities to the young actors. great to see a new face in the biz''#and u know what #this rehire is the same fucking vibe to me #some cunts from marketing plastering make-up to an old man's face and pretending its 2005 still #anyway #doctor who #i guess.

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coloraturadiva · 5 years ago

Text

A mistake - Chapter 3

Pairing: Napoleon Solo x F!Reader (You)

Summary: Napoleon realises he had made a mistake

Chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Warnings: angst, fluff, pregnancy (I’m sure I forgot something...)

Word Count: 2692

A/N: a special thank you to my lovely beta @iloveyouyen ! This is the third and last chapter of this story, I hope you’ll like it 😉

Disclaimer: a strict work of fiction, I own nothing except the original characters and the plot line. In no way am I affiliated to any of it.

Feedback, reblogs and constructive criticism are appreciated!

Please don't post any of my content anywhere else without my permission. Comments and reblogs welcome!

Tagging some people that never asked for it and others that actually did: @iloveyouyen @littlefreya @aletheladyinred @madbaddic7ed @promptandpros @mrsaugustwalker @jencanbeyouryengeralt @radaofrivia @henrythickcavill @ladyreapermc @mary-ann84 @onlyhenrys @qualitynightkoala @eefjedegraaf @summersong69 @minillamakeup-blog @trippedmetaldetector @maan24 @bichibibi @rn7rocks

Knock knock

“What are you doing here?”

There he was. You had heard no words from him for the past 2 weeks. As he said, he came to the house the day after he left to collect his things when you were at work and left his keys in the mailbox.

Now he stood on your doorstep looking like he was the one suffering from morning sickness. He was looking terrible, not his usual spit and polish self. Pale, his lips dehydrated, the eyes dull and puffy, the hair messy: he looked like he had aged 20 years in 14 days.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course” you felt unsure about his intentions, but you let him in nevertheless . “This is still your house anyway”. You didn't hear a word from him or his lawyer. You had expected a phone call or even papers delivered to you in a couple of days, but nothing happened, and you thought that he had been whisked away on a mission before having the time to arrange the situation with a lawyer.

“What do you want?” you asked him, not daring to look at him in the eye, fearing you'd burst out crying. You had cried so much during the past weeks that you thought you had no more tears in you, but his sudden appearance made you feel teary all over again.

“I left two very important things there” he answered in a soft, but raspy tone. Even his voice didn't sound like it used to be.

“Really?” you tried to sound polite, even if a million of different emotions were raging in your head: anger, fear, sorrow, loneliness, the urge to kiss him one last time... “What? I haven't seen anything...”

“My wife and my baby”.

“What?” your head span. You didn't trust your legs and went to sit on the closest seat you could find: an armchair in the parlour.

He followed you, terrified. His face turned even paler than before.

“What happened? Are you unwell?” he kneeled in front of you, his voice trembled with worry.

Your head snapped up. You looked at him in the eye for a second and... slapped him. You slapped him with all the force you had in your body. Maybe slapping a CIA agent wasn't the best idea for your safety, but you couldn't help yourself. He had to steady himself on the nearby sofa not to fall.

“YOU IDIOT! You come here out of nowhere after having left your PREGNANT wife and you even have the courage to ask me what happened and if I am unwell?! Of course I'm unwell, you broke my heart!” you were flushed, your breath laboured.

He looked at you wide eyed.

“I'm so sorry...” he began in a pleading tone, looking at his hands: he was still wearing his wedding band. Like you. “I panicked. I fucked it all up big time. I know I don't deserve to ask for anything and I'll understand if you won't get me back, but I had to try. I couldn't let go of everything we have built this way. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I hadn't tried to get you back.”

“You did, all with your hands” you retorted bitterly.

“I know. And I'm the most stupid and undeserving man in the world. But I'm madly in love with you and I can't let you go for any reason.”

“Except an unwanted child” you bashed him.

He bowed his head.

“I... I wasn't expecting it. Coming home and seeing you with a bump...”

“No, you never wanted it, it's not the surprise factor. That would have caused you to stay speechless, to panic for ten minutes, to say something stupid, not to leave me in less than two minutes, without giving me the opportunity to explain, with those bitter words.”

“Bitter words?” he asked lost.

“I knew a baby would have come to separate us. That's what you said. It's not the baby's fault! How can it be? It's your fault! You went away treating me like a broken object, without even looking at me. Not even an animal deserves to be treated that way! And you started to talk about divorce papers in less than three seconds after having realised I was pregnant. That broke my heart, you know that? That physically broke my heart! That evening I thought I was gonna die right on the floor, where you had left me! And why did you do that? Because things weren’t going like you wanted, because I displeased you! How awful! And it happened ONCE. Once in all the years we have been together! Well, sorry, but I was not born with the sole purpose to please your cravings and your ego, I’m human too and I have my interests and my wishes as well. You always knew, from the very start, that I wanted to build a family with you, but you were so obsessively against the idea of having kids that I renounced my own wishes because I wanted to be with you. I’m sure you believe that I did get pregnant on purpose, but I didn’t do it, I swear. I was as surprised as you when I found out. I’m not the one that goes behind other people's backs, you are... So you wanted to punish me for something that’s not my fault, or, at least, is your fault as well. Of course! You are the important one here, while I’m the stupid, lovesick woman that offended you by getting pregnant, but I’ll never feel sorry about loving my baby! You can’t throw away people like a broken toy because things aren’t going like you have planned. I won’t accept it.”

He felt ashamed of himself like he never felt in his whole life. Stealing, the black market, spying, that was nothing compared to what he had done to you without even realizing.

“And you know what's the worst part of it?” you continued. “That I loved you. I kept on loving you anyway. Even if you had treated me so bad, I couldn't bring myself to hate you. Hating you would have made everything easy, but it was impossible. When I arrived home after work the day after you left, I hoped to find you there, or at least that you hadn't come to take away your things. That would have meant that you were in doubt, that you were still thinking about it. But when I arrived home, I saw that all was gone. Your wardrobe was empty, your drawers were empty, your library was empty, even the comforting smell of you was gone from this house. My heart broke yet again. It was really the end...”

You started sobbing, all the emotions of the past weeks washed over you at once. You felt overwhelmed.

"Do you want to know why I left?" he asked looking at the floor after having taken a deep breath. "Because I'm scared…"

"Oh, don't tell me!" you answered sarcastically. "The hero, the great secret agent is scared of a baby! Please, I'm not that stupid…"

"I'm not scared OF a baby." He whispered. "I'm scared FOR the baby. And for you".

"What?" you asked not getting his point. What was to be scared about? Women get pregnant and babies are born everyday. It's normal, it's natural.

"I… I've always been worried about your safety…" he hesitated. "You know who I am, you know what I have done, you know what I do… I can't control everything, I can't be here to protect you all the time. I'm constantly worried that one day someone could decide to seek revenge against me by hurting you. It's something that has been burning me from the inside since the very first time I saw you. I can't bear the thought of you getting hurt because of me. You don't deserve it, it's not right. I've done my fair share of bad things, but you are innocent, you shouldn't be in this mess… But you are right, I'm an egoist. Even if I wanted you to be safe, I loved you too much, I wanted you to be mine… Even if it was a risk for you… That's why I never wanted a baby. Thinking of you being in danger is already a big hardship for me, but a baby… That's too much. That's not a life for a baby. I know very well how it hurts you having me to stay away on missions all that time, not knowing if I'll come back all in one piece. That's wrong. A baby and a young mother shouldn't be living like that… That's why I panicked, that's why I left. I thought that with me gone, maybe you could have been safe, you could have built a new and better life for the two of you. Maybe with a better man… That’s it. I panicked and in my head, going away was a way to protect you..." he paused for long minutes, playing nervously with his wedding ring. "What can I do to make amends?” he begged. “Please, tell me.”

You kept on crying. You had no idea. You loved him, but he had hurt you so much you didn't know what you really wanted.

He was devastated. Seeing you crying, so trembling and fragile and all because of him made him feel physically sick.

He didn't think too much about it, or at the consequences: he went to sit on the armrest of the armchair and took you into his arms. He didn't move, he didn't caress you, he just held you still.

At first you were stiff, unsure about the unexpected contact, but soon enough you melted in his arms. It felt so good to be back where you felt you belonged after such a long time. You were unsure if you could ever forgive him, but you also knew that you couldn't live without him.

“What made you change your mind?” you suddenly asked in a whisper. “Why did you come here today?”

“You. Both of you.” He hesitated, his voice trembled. He sounded deeply emotional. “I mean, I love you. It's you, it's our baby. I don't want you to be with another man… I want to see our baby grow… I know it's a risk and I don’t know if I can protect you, but at least I want to try. I can't let you go… "

“Our baby” you sobbed.

“Yes, of course you were right. Like you are always right. It takes two to make a baby. I can't blame everything on you. I'm sure I did my part… I’m just a scared idiot, but I love you. It only took me too long to realise how much I love you and how important you and the baby are for me. More important than my fears.”

“The baby as well?”

“Yes, the baby as well. I love both of you so much”.

You sighed. He sounded like he meant his words. He sounded like himself again. A tired Napoleon, but your Napoleon.

“I... Your... Your grandmother visited me.”

“My grandmother? How? I don't know where you are staying now. How does she?”

“She probably has been a secret agent for all her life and never told a soul. I can't find a different explanation” he smiled. “Her methods are also quite... effective. I was there, tormenting myself to decide when was the best moment to come to you, if today was too soon, or already too late, when she knocked on my door, stormed in and gave me a lecture. She talked for 15 minutes straight, I think. She didn't let me say a word. And she beat me with her walking stick.”

“WHAT?”

“I told you her methods are effective. I said something that displeased her, and she wanted to make it clear.”

“You probably deserved it...”

“Indeed. I deserved that and your slap too.”

“You had already decided to come back before her visit?” you changed the subject.

“Yes. Two days after I left you, when I found myself with all my things in a house that wasn't ours and without you and having left you alone, I realised that I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“That was nearly two weeks ago...”

“I know, but I didn't have the courage to come, I had no idea what to say...”

“And waiting made a difference?”

“Yes, because the more the days passed, the more I was sure that I missed you and that leaving you alone wasn’t the best way to keep you and the baby safe. I realised that I made a big mistake. Not being with you was a mistake… By leaving you I was only hurting you, not protecting you...”

You both fell silent. One secretly praying to not have ruined it all with his own hands, the other reflecting on her feelings, trying to understand if forgiveness was an option.

“Could you ever forgive me?” he asked tentatively after several minutes, still holding you in his arms.

“No.”

He froze. He felt like he had been slapped again. But more forcefully, this time.

“I already did. The moment I let you in, I had already subconsciously forgiven you. I love you too much to live without you, I want to have you there with me. And you came back to me...” you sighed. “You know I can't stay mad at you for too long...” you softly smiled.

“Even after what I did?” he still didn't dare to look you in the eye.

“Even after what you did... I would like to believe that I'm doing it for the baby's sake, but the truth is that I'm doing it for myself. I'm terribly greedy when it comes to you.”

He dared to kiss you on the top of your head. You didn't resist.

It felt so good. It felt simply right.

You suddenly disentangled from his arms and got up from the armchair. You started to walk away.

Napoleon was startled. What was happening? Why did you start to move so suddenly? The kiss was too much?

“Come with me”. He heard your voice from the corridor and bolted in your direction.

He caught up with you in the guest room.

You turned to face him, standing close to a big box.

"Yesterday I saw this crib in a shop and even if it's a bit early, I had to buy it. But I'll need your help to put it together" you smiled weakly.

Napoleon looked at the big box. It was white, decorated with cute pastel green Teddy bears. He always had a penchant for beautiful (and expensive) things, he was an expert in art and antiquities anyway, and was used to treating himself with ridiculously expensive clothes, but had never paid attention to these kinds of things, thinking they would never interest him. However, right now that box looked to him as magnificent as a Raffaello painting.

He neared you gingerly, afraid of doing something wrong.

"Are you sure?”

“Yes. I want to put this crib together with you. And all the rest of the things for the baby. And us. I want us to be together...” you trailed off.

“I miss you”.

“I miss you too.”

You looked down at your growing belly.

“Come here” you threw your arms around his neck. One of Napoleon's hands went instinctively to your belly. You looked carefully at his face. He looked like he was on the verge of tears, but was trying hard not to break apart in front of you.

“How are you?” he sounded suddenly concerned about your health. “How do you feel?”

You cupped his cheek.

“I'm good now” you smiled at him.

“I'm sorry. For everything” he uttered, deep affliction clearly ringing in his voice. "You'll be safe. Both of you. I promise…"

“I know” you answered softly. “Let's forget about the past weeks, shall we? Let's start anew from today.”

“I love you Y/N”.

“I love you Napoleon”.

Thanks to everyone who read my story and made it to the end! 😘

#henry cavill #henry cavill fanfic #napoleon solo #napoleon solo fanfic #fanfic #fan fiction #the man from uncle #napoleonxreader #napoleonsoloxreader #napoleon solo x reader #napoleon solo x you #xyou #napoleon solo x female!reader #female!reader #female reader #wrinting

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melwritesbadly · 5 years ago

Text

With Wings in All Black

After a tragic turn of events, Kazama Kaori , AKA Hex, has her investigation swept out from under her by the #2 Pro Hero. Reluctantly she joins Hawks in the pursuit of justice. On top of trying to solve the biggest case of her career, Kaori is still a young woman struggling to find her place in the world. Life is turned upside down as her professional and personal lives start to blend.

Rating: T (subject to change)

Content Warnings: slight language, implied violence/death

________________________________________________________

‘Are you aware of the hour?’

‘As if you were sleeping. ANYWAY, I’ve got another one for you!’

‘We’ve discussed your cryptic messages, another one what?’

‘Why another little bird for the nest. I think you’ll like her.’

‘Somehow I doubt that.’

__________

Two for Some Luck

Hex decided to take the 20 minute walk back to her apartment rather than the much shorter flight. It was thankfully peaceful. No assaults, no muggings, just bustling city life despite the late hour.

She thought about her next steps and her current situation. Despite her perceived annoyance she was grateful for the help. She just hated that it cost Kenji’s life to get it, and that was not ok with her…

So why now, after weeks of posting to the Hero Network? And why him. When now, in all honesty, it seemed like a case for the police.

Pro Heroes usually didn’t investigate murders, at least not top charters like Hawks.

Heroes like Hawks were better suited for grandiose villains, not the everyday kind of monsters. That’s what the underground was for.

Because people like Kenji’s mother didn’t get happy endings, no heroic flourish at the end of it all. No triumph. Only grief.

Hex couldn’t protect her from that, just like she couldn’t protect Kenji, and she is no closer to helping all the other missing people either.

Some Hero she was…

The walk was not as calming as she hoped as her mind swirled with guilt and more questions she was not going to find the answers to, at least not that night. Instead she decided on a shower and hopefully a few hours of sleep before she went with the police to the Takei house…then to wherever Hawks decided to meet with her.

From the front of her building Hex could see the light on in her apartment.

Mayu must have got home early from the bar.

Soon her key was slipping into the lock and opening the door to her small shared apartment.

Kaori didn’t have much in the way of money when she left her father’s agency. Without an agency supporting you, hero work did not pay well, if at all. The odd jobs she took around the station were barely enough to cover her portion of the rent and her groceries but bless Mayu. Her roommate didn’t complain when her payments were late or if she had to pick up some extra costs. Her new job at the swankiest Hero club in the city paid big bucks and Mayu was a generous young woman.

“Kaori?” her roommate called from behind the closed bathroom door.

“Yeah, it’s me Yu.” her voice tired as she called back to the other woman.

“You’re early!” a muffled gasp “Bad night?”

“You have no idea…What are you doing in there?” Kaori kicked off her shoes and placed her black coat on the simple rack Mayu kept her various jackets and purses on.

“Oh you know, having another identity crisis”

“Are you dying your hair again?” Kaori asked sitting on the small but comfy couch Mayu had ‘acquired’ during her brief stay at University.

Stretching out along it Kaori pulled one of the colorful throw pillows over her face and briefly contemplated screaming into it.

She heard the door to the bathroom open followed by the barest hints of hair dye and floral shampoo that snuck under the decorative square.

Mayu lifted Kaori’s legs high enough to wiggle under them, setting them back down over her lap.

“What’s wrong pretty bird?” Mayu asked in her sweet voice then gasped “Wait don’t tell me-” she reached for one of Kaori’s hands and held it in her own.

[Glimmers of hope, new links on a chain, soft, red, light as a feather]

“You met someone!” Mayu gasped.

“You know I don’t like it when you use your quirk on me.” Kaori’s voice muffled through the pillow and wiggled her hand free from her friends.

“Sorry PB, you know I can’t help myself. Anyway back to the matter. You met someone!”

“It’s not like that. It’s work stuff” Kaori finally pulled the pillow from her face holding it to her chest instead.

Mayu’s head was wrapped in a ratty dye stained towel. Her round face and large blue eyes made her seem like one of those painted cherubs.

“What color this time?” trying to redirect the conversation away from herself.

“Baby blue to match my other baby blues” she clasped her hand and fluttered her lashes for effect. “And what do you mean work stuff?! Didn’t feel like work stuff.” she prodded, tickling her fingers along her friend’s shins.

“Yu” a sigh “I don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s probably going to be on every tabloid by the end of the week anyway…”

Kaori pulled herself up and stood up from the couch and made her way to her bedroom forgoing the shower tonight and resigned herself to wake earlier while Mayu was sleeping to avoid further questioning or quirk prodding.

“Tabloids, what? What?! PB!”

“Too tired, going to bed.” Kaori ignored her roommate who had jumped from her spot and charged at her rapidly closing door.

Mayu drummed her hand along her door and whined.

“You never go out with anyone and now you tell me the media is involved. What did you dooooo?” she whined dramatically, scratching along the door.

Kaori stripped her dark clothes and slid out of her flight suit and brushed out her hair.

“It’s nothing Yu, just… let me sleep, I’ll talk to you in the morning.” she paused “Don’t touch my stuff!” knowing her roommate could use her quirk on inanimate objects too.

“No fun” came one final whine from Mayu who then admitted defeat, for now.

______

The next morning Mayu waited until Kaori had finished her breakfast and headed to the bathroom to shower. On the kitchen table was a box filled with various pictures, notes, maps and other handwritten details. Mayu held one in her hand not so much reading it but feeling what that paper represented activating her quirk.

She felt the hopelessness, the frustrated exhaustion. The perseverance. Strings and connections winding and wrapping leading nowhere and everywhere.

‘I will save them’

Mayu pursed her lips and placed the paper back in the box.

If Kaori had taken down her pinboard was she giving up? No, there was no way. In the 2 years she had known her if someone needed help Kaori would help them. Hex would help them.

[New links in the chain, hope, feathers] she recalled from last night. Hmm, the first part was easy to decipher. It had to represent whoever Kaori had met, someone new. The chain could maybe mean she was trapped, which would explain why she was so gloomy last night. Hmm, hope and feathers…

As Mayu thought through the abstraction of her quirk she noticed the unfinished cup of coffee and Kaori’s phone which just emitted several pings indicating she had just received messages.

Mayu knew she shouldn’t look but…

It’s not like she was snooping through her phone (it has a passcode and she could not for the life of her crack it)

She would just- check her lock screen for the time and…

Mayu hit the button on the side lighting up the screen. Kaori didn’t have a custom background, just whatever came default with the phone but it did show a preview of the texts she had just received. The sender’s name caused her to make a confused but amused face.

The nosy young woman was not paying attention and did not hear the shower switch off as she scanned over the small blurb of text. Mayu gave a startled jolt as Kaori swung open the bathroom door and came out in a towel. Kaori was equally shocked to see Mayu up.

“What are you doing?” Kaori asked, eyeing her roommate suspiciously.

Mayu hastily grabbed the used mug and brought it to the kitchen under the guise of washing it.

“Oh nothing, couldn’t really sleep so I figured i’d clean up a bit.” She was a terrible liar and knew it.

“Yu…” the tone of her voice was enough to make Mayu fidget.

“Err, well” Mayu scratched her nose then twisted the ends of her hair. The now blue hair is a little frazzled but fluffy from letting it air dry. Kaori stood arms crossed waiting for her to continue.

“You see…” she reeled “I was…cleaning up,” she gestured to her the mug in her hand “and well your phone went off and I just happened to see the screen when I was leaning over and…” She spun the mug between her hands, a small smile sneaking onto her lips “Who’s ‘Unsolicited dick pics’”?”

Kaori blinked confused.

“What?”

“That’s who texted you- well that’s their name in your phone!” Mayu giggled.

“My phone?”

Who could possibly be named that Kaori thought. Then stopped when the obvious answer hit her, face falling with an un-amused expression. She shook her head and picked up her phone and flicked it on going to her message app to see the full message.

She replied,

Hawks’s response was immediate and Kaori shook her head setting her phone down.

Mayu was watching her expectantly.

“Well?”

“Well what?” Kaori crossed to her bedroom and closed the door enough for some privacy but enough to continue the conversation.

“Who’s dick pic guy?!” Mayu asked, leaning against the wall next to Kaori’s door. She heard Kaori click her tongue.

“He’s not ‘dick pic guy’. Just some smartass who thinks he’s cute.”

“Ah, so he’s cute now.”Mayu teased “Who is he! You said you’d tell me in the morning!”

From inside her room Kaori sighed adjusting her bodysuit making sure the fabric wasn’t bunched before slipping on the rest of her clothes.

“If I tell you, you can’t make a big deal because it is NOT a big deal and this is strictly for work. Pro Hero business” A dressed Kaori- rather Hex stepped out and pointed a finger at Mayu.

“Super secret and super dangerous!”

Mayu blinked but nodded.

“I’m serious. It’s no big deal” now it was Mayu’s turn to roll her eyes.

“You keep saying that but It’s making me think it is a big deal. Now spill!”

Kaori breathed in and touched her fingers to each other in front of her face at the brim of her nose.

“Hawks” Mayu’s mouth dropped.

“What.”

“I’m not saying it again.”

“No I heard you, just- what, as in, WHAT? Isn’t he mega hot and like the number 2 hero.”

“Yup, that’s the one” Kaori grimaced, speaking through her teeth.

“So you finally agree that he’s hot?” cheeked Mayu recalling a tipsy conversation they had when the popularity ratings were last posted.

“Just because I’m a bird and he’s a bird doesn’t mean I automatically find him attractive.”

“Attractive you say” Yu tried to fish further casting her a lewd look raising her eyebrows suggestively.

“Stop.” Kaori moaned, annoyed reaching up to smooth over the feathers at the back of her neck. They tended to tense and puff up when flustered, or in this case, annoyed.

“He’s not my type- too flashy” This caused Mayu to scoff.

“So says miss ‘I’m black as night spooky-spooky bird lady!”

“I’m not flashy and I certainly don’t like the attention!” Kaori waved her hands to maybe try and physically dismiss the subject. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I’m late already, I need to go.” brushing past Mayu and started to pull on her gear.

“We will continue this conversation later young lady” Mayu mock scolded,wagging a finger at her, Kaori shook her head

“Yes mom… I’ll see you later Yu”

______

Hex met with two officers just outside of Takei’s apartment complex. They did not speak to her but offered her a curt nod before gesturing to her to go on ahead of them.

She had never done something like this. To tell someone that their loved one… had died. It wasn’t something Hero’s did. Hero’s swooped in, stopped the bad guys and swooped back out. In and out of people’s lives, never lingering, never personal…

She hesitated, knuckling inches above the door, letting out a tense breath but finally rapt her fist against the worn door.

A soft ‘just a moment’ was heard beyond.

It seemed like an eternity but finally the door swung open and Kenji’s tired mother was revealed.

“Oh Hex.” she said softly, almost surprised to see her at her doorstep. Mrs. Takei’s eyes drifted to the officers who stood formally behind the Pro Hero. She gave a sad, knowing nod.

“Please… come in.”

They had waited for Mrs. Takei to make herself a cup of tea and settle into a seated position before speaking.

“Mrs. Takei…” Hex paused trying to find the right words “Your son- Kenji” She looked down unable to meet the woman’s gaze.

“Kenji’s body was found last night.” Hex said softly. A sad sigh came from the older woman.

“I see…” was all the woman could muster, Hex saw a slight sad shine at the corner of her eyes.

Hex stood and bowed her head low.

“I promised you I would find your son and bring him back to you. I not only failed you. I failed him. I beg for your forgiveness.” the officers bowed as well.

“Oh, no, please.” Mrs. Takei sniffed “Kenji, my son, he died the moment he went missing, I could feel it in my heart. At least now…” she paused again to compose herself. “Now I can lay him to rest properly.”

“I’m so sorry you are going through this Mrs. Takei. If there is anything I can do?” Hex offered a soft and sympathetic look in her eyes.

“You’ve done more than anyone Hex, I’ll be ok.” She sipped her tea.

“I can do more, for Kenji, for the others. Us Hero’s are not giving up-I’m not giving up.” Hex leaned forward and took Mrs. Takei’s hands and spoke sincerely, meeting her eyes “I will get justice for Kenji and for you.” It was a sad but welcome comfort to the woman.

“I know you will Hex, thank you.” Mrs. Takei squeezed the younger woman’s hands and finally let a few tears slip out.

“These officers will help you as best they can with any questions you might have and you can call me anytime you like ok?”

Mrs. Takei nodded sniffing once more then released Hex’s hands and brushed away her tears.

“Before I leave, I wanted to ask you…” Pulling out her phone Hex opened the picture she snapped the previous night of the business card “Does this mean anything to you?” The older woman examined the picture but shook her head no.

Worth a shot.

______

After excusing herself and leaving the apartment Hex made a quick stop back at her apartment to gather her evidence, she loaded it into a knapsack snapping it to one of her buckles and took flight to the hotel just in time for lunch.

Here we go…

Taking a deep breath is Hex strode into the hotel lobby. A quick stop at the concierge pointed the way to one of the conference rooms on the upper floors. The elevator ride was spent admiring how ritzy the place was and how she would put forth her evidence without sounding like a conspiracy theorist.

The conference room had frosted glass preventing her from seeing anything but shadows.

Should she knock? No- Jeesh why was she so nervous? She felt the feathers on her neck creep up. She shook her shoulders working out the jitter and opened the door.

An impressive spread of food was laid out on the long table. She felt all attention on her as 3 sets of eyes took immediate notice of her intrusion.

Duke Amazing had a mouth full of some sort of sandwich and lifted his bread in salut and continued to chew, a few crumbs in his mustache.

“Hey! It’s the star of the show!” Hawks called out.

He was kicked back in one of the executive chairs, legs propped up on the table and a can of some sort of energy drink in his hand. His other hand gestured to the projector screen at the front of the room showing videos of… well her.

The other person in the room sat next to Hawks upright and smartly dressed in fitting business attire. Her eyes meeting hers seemingly stared at something Hex could not see. Just at a glance she was certain this woman never smiled.

Hawks noted his manager’s dead eye stare and casually elbowed her causing the woman’s focus to drop and lose whatever it was she was looking at.

“This is June, the agency manager.” Hawks gestured to her then to the table “Take a seat, grab some grub, I think we’re getting to the good part.” he swiveled in his chair a bit, rocking himself side to side as he turned his attention back to the screen.

Hex placed her pack on the table and took a seat opposite to Duke.

“This data is old.” She commented idly picking through the food to find something she liked.

“Well,” the manager clicked a remote rewinding a certain part of the video and letting it play again “You’re about as underground as someone can go. The name Hex doesn’t even register on any hero chart. A nobody” she played the next bit in slow motion.

Every beat of her black wings taking up a frame. The familiar motions slowly rolling through her shoulders and hips as the Hex on screen slowly spun and let loose several pointed feathers as projectiles into the villain on screen sending them back and into a wall subdued. June rewound it and played it in real time, the motion as fast as a blink.

“However…” fast forwarding again and video Hex zoomed along the screen, and two other figures joined her. June paused it. Hex frowned as she started at the on screen version of herself.

“Aello,” the picture zoomed in on the blond in the middle. She fluttered in the air, quirk similar to Hex’s but her wings were white and blue.

“ Ocypete” June zoomed in on the other fair haired winged woman on screen. Her wings were green with sparse flecks of black.

“Finally, Celaeno.” June zoomed one final time, this time on Hex. Her jet black wings a stark contrast to the white and green of her partners. Her dark hair is also in conflict with their uniform blond-ness.

Hex did not speak and only stared at her past self posed perfectly behind her flashier partners. Their costumes matched in every way but color. Blue, green, and black. The black of her suit and her headgear were the only thing she had retained from this past persona.

The only thing worth keeping

Hex though as she eyed her past smile and eyes, perfect for the camera. Remembering how she had felt presenting herself that way.

“The Harpy Sisters- affiliated with King Crow Agency. Currently holding the number 112th slot on the boards despite missing a member.” She let the footage roll again switching to ground combat.

“Celaeno’s such a pretty name.” June mused more to herself then resumed speaking to the room “Still you’re very on brand for this agency.”

Take your brand and stuff it. Is what Hax wanted to say but felt that was a bit unprofessional. But still wanted to make sure the manager understood her stance on the matter.

“I told Hawks last night I don’t do agencies” Hex shoved a bunch of chips into her mouth making a point to crunch loudly.

“Well, as much as it is his agency. I handle all the logistics. And I’m telling you,” she paused folding her hand neatly on the table “We don’t ‘do’ Freelancers and since you don’t ‘do’ agencies we can’t ‘do’ a team up.” using the same tone to match Hex’s.

“And why not?” Hex questioned trying her best to not let her tone get too uneven “You said yourself I’m nobody. You have nothing to gain by trying to brand me- no one cares. No one cared that I left King Crow, and no one cares now.”

June tutted and had a constrained grimace on her face.

“True no one gives a damn about you Hex. But people care about Hawks. And it’s my job to protect his image so people continue to care about him. I know things are different working underground but topside? This is his world.” She gestures to hawks who simply shrugs “He’s the number 2 hero. Society chose him to be their hero- whoever is represented by his agency is a reflection on him. If we have ‘nobodies’ skulking around his agency it could make a bad impression”

Hex stood abruptly and walked towards the other end of the table.

“June, look now what you’ve done. Scared the poor girl off.” Commented Duke finally brushing his face free of crumbs.

Instead of leaving, Hex grabbed her bag and stomped to where June and Hawks were sitting. Locking eyes with the woman, Hex undid the fastening and dumped the contents out on the desk before her creating a mess.

“This is what I think of your stupid charts and pretty pictures of Hero’s.” quickly rifling through the paper and pulling out the pictures.

“ Taichi Mizo, missing 6 weeks. Ochiro Honda, missing 4 weeks, Ben Darma missing 7 months.”

Hex listed about a dozen people holding a picture to correspond to the names.

“I have been begging for help for weeks on the HN. For one of your ‘top charters’ to notice. To do something about this. But no.” she tossed the pictures on the pile “You were too busy posing for pictures, and worrying about what others think about Hero’s rather than being an actual Hero. Then you get caught with your pants around your ankles. Go “Woops, my bad.”

“I think you’ve made your point”

“Have I?” Hex huffed “Someone died because the only person who cared was me and I was too much of a nobody to help. Then you come at me and tell me how to do things when I’m the only person who’s done anything to try and fix this problem!” The room was awkwardly silent. Hex felt puffed up but resisted the urge to press down her neck and stood firm eyes never leaving June’s.

Duke stood silently and tip-toed out the room, an extra sandwich and bag of chips in his hand closing the door with a soft click.

“Well, that was intense!” Hawks tried to break the tension taking a loud sip from his can. Hex sighed in frustration and began collecting her papers.

So much for being cool.

“Listen, Hex. It’s bullshit, it’s all bullshit.” Hawks started fiddling with the tab of the can “The glitter, the glory. You’re right, we’re caught pants down, dick out-”

“Language” chided June causing Hawks to gesture towards her.

“See what I mean I can’t even tell it how it is without getting my wrists slapped.” June swatts his hand away “Anyway. I asked you to help. I want you to help. Because you care. I admit I have to drink the kool-aid every now and then but that’s the price we pay as Hero’s. The trick is not to chug.” He sips at his own drink “A sip here, a sip there and even bullshit is bearable if it means I can be the Hero I want to be. Now you said last night you needed resources. If it’s one thing this kool-aid man has is resources.” Hex tutted and finally smoothed down her neck.

“So It comes down to ends and means huh?”

“Seems so Chickadee”

She placed her hand on her hips and looked up and let out a deep breath.

“Fine then. Limited term contract- my previous conditions still stand. Full access and availability to this case.”

“Very good, a 12 month term with the agency.”

“6 months and I retain and manage my own promotional material” It was June’s turn to tutt.

“Unacceptable, the agency manages any and all images associated with the Hero’s under its employ. 9 months with lodgings.”

“I like my apartment, commuting isn’t so bad. 6 months and I can Veto any publicity I deem unnecessary.”

“8 months and you get 1 veto.”

“8 months and I get 2 vetoes” Hex stood firm and crossed her arms.

“8 months, you get 1 veto, and you get to retain your costume and persona. Even though Celaeno would be better branding for the agency.”

June pulled out a pen and pulled out a folder that was buried under the mess of papers Hex had dumped out.

“8 months, 1 Veto, Hex stays and you,” she pointed at Hawks, “no longer call me Chickadee.” It was his turn to tut resuming his twisting in his chair.

“Ah, there is no way I could sign off on a ‘no Chickadee’ clause in your contract Chickadee. Then I’d have to think of a new nickname for you and frankly that’d be too much work.”

“Worth a shot.” She nodded “Ok, deal”

“Fantastic, welcome aboard Hex.”

June quickly filled out the form then handed it along with a sort of stamp to Hawks. He didn’t bother looking over the contract and simply put his stamp to where it needed to be signed then used a feather to move the contract over to Hex letting it hover until she grabbed it. Once she did he made the feather do a lap around her prompting her swat it away like a fly. Pleased with her annoyance he recalled it and it zoomed back into place among his other vibrant plumage.

She read through its entirety making sure the agreed upon terms were fairly stated. Those stale management courses she took finally came in handy it seemed.

She was as satisfied as she was going to be given the situation and put a pen to the paper.

“Bottoms up Kool-aid man” she said and signed her hero credentials

“Cheers” chimed Hawks cracking open another can.

______

End Notes: I hope you guys are liking this so far. Sorry if it seems a little slow right now. Chapter 3 is almost done, and four has some agency fun. Also the text parts might seem a little weird since I’m on android and there is no good social dummy app to make fake texts. Anyway, I’m planning to do little fun half parts in between the larger chapters to give myself some time to work on the next parts so looks for that next week.

Thank you!

#wwiab #hawks #bnha hawks #hawks bnha #mha hawks #hawks mha #hawks x oc #hawks x reader #keigo takami #takami keigo #original character #boku no hero academia #my hero acadamia

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phoenixkaizen · 5 years ago

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Alright so a while back I made a post about a negative-ish comment that I received (the one on I Want It That Way) but I kinda want to show the other side of things. On one of my fics Everyday (I have since deleted the comment cause it jibbed at me calling me disgusting and that don’t fly with me), I got a really hateful comment about how I can’t take criticism. Which isn’t true by the way but I wanted to do kind of a shout out to one of my (and Eustach’s) ao3 readers under the username lillmuffin12. So muffin actually comments on a few of my fics and I always enjoy reading their comments because they are so detailed and their thoughts on the chapter. I adore comments like these cause it legit makes me feel like I’m doing something right and amazing.

Anyway before I start rambling, Eustach and I finished Chapter 3 of Two of Us today and got it posted. Muffin, being their lovely self with their amazing comments, commented. Muffin did say how much they loved the chapter and what they loved within the chapter. They also commented this:

“ all of it just adding to his insecurities that because oboro was shouta's first EVERYTHING it means his second best and might be seen as a replacement even though he DOES NOT want to be or is. also yes you made that very clear. i get it, hizashi needs to tell and remind himself that frequently and that he's part of this family even though he sometimes doesn't feel like it, so in the story and in character it's fitting and made a lot of sense! especially when they have/want to remind the people around them too. but meta wise it felt more then a bit repetitive. so like i totally get he has a guilt complex and needs to reminds himself and for others to remind him but it felt like 6/7 (depending on if you count mistuki or not) in one chapter is a bit much.”

I absolutely loved this! (I might of did a nice huge rambling of how I managed to accidentally repeat this fact over and over again at the same time of repeating thank you multiple times)This part of their comment pointed out something that I hadn’t noticed when writing and editing within the chapter. Going back through the chapter, we (probably mostly on my part cause I did quite a few scenes within the chapter talking about it) repeated about Hizashi’s self-doubt and insecurities within his relationship with Shouta and being a step father to Katsuki, thinking he is replacing Shirakumo in their life. Anyway, what I love about this is Muffin took the time to give a structural criticism about the chapter, which is in Hizashi’s point of view for flashbacks before we go into the main story starting in Chapter 4.

I literally want to give them a shout out for the critique that will definitely make sure I keep a closer eye on what I do in the future. I’m definitely completely okay with this because this makes me a better writer for readers. Originally while working on the chapter, I didn’t think it had been brought up as much but with the light of the comment, I went back and indeed.. it was mentioned a whole lot more than needed. Which is fine I guess since muffin did say they loved the chapter and what not.

I guess what I’m trying to say is if you read my fics and start noticing things, don’t be afraid to point stuff out to me! If it seems repetitive, confusing, or odd, you can point it out to me. I’m totally okay with that. It makes me get better at writing and getting out good content and fics. Now in the future, I’m definitely going to be keeping a closer eye within the editing process to make sure the chapter doesn’t sound repetitive. I did say it on ao3 but I’m going to say it again... Muffin I’m not sure if you come visit my tumblr or not or into the tags on tumblr but I want to thank you again for more insight within the chapter and pointing this out to me. Thank you so much love. I also want to thank you so much for supporting me, my fics, and my very awesome co-writer Eustach within our collab of Two of Us. I appreciate you.

#erasermic #two of us fic #this is slight spoilerish for the newest chapter of two of us #phoenixscamander of ao3 #eustachthekid #I legit have no problem with people pointing out mistakes to me #please do actually #it helps me become better so i can be better for you

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shophotlavablog · 4 years ago

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Inspo: Lizzy Alvarado

Lizzy went from an internship at Steakworld to a career woman at depop. One of my favorite Lizzy stories is that she used the tips from a post I made on tumblr about” how to land an internship” ON me and got the job. Now She is the the marketing manager at Depop and constantly making waves. She is always inspo for Hot Lava design and aesthetic so I wanted to highlight this hustler to inspire everyone to seize the moment and make it happen for yourself.

Q: What have you been working on lately?

With my job everything has turned digital, which has been a crash course on how to do an event in digital format. So, I’ve been doing a lot of [Instagram] lives with different artists and trying to bring the energy that I used to do with my work IRL to digital, so it’s kind of been a challenge, but it’s been fun.

At home, kind of just nesting it up. I feel like every few weeks I realize how long we’re going to be in quarantine—so I, like, redo my house a different way, so I think it’s kind of nice because since quarantine started I’ve really settled into my house. I have a lot of house plants and cats, so I’m kind of like trying to keep everything alive.

Q: What are some things you’ve been doing to prioritize “me time”?

I think by making myself a challenge. Right now, me and my best friend are doing this workout challenge, where we FaceTime each other and do the workout at the same time. It’s been my mental and physical entertainment, and gives me something I have to be held accountable for, like trying to workout and having a goal.

Recently, I took a week off. Even though were working from home I don’t think it’s the same as when you’re working; you always have to take a little break and reset and a lot of my coworkers and myself have not given ourselves that, because we’re working at home, when are we going to take that time and just sit? But recently I took a whole week off and I didn’t answer one Zoom meeting or do anything. For me, that reset my whole mindset and gave me time to just think about the reality of the position we’re all in, and my reality, like what I need to do instead of living in limbo of half doing things because I’m waiting for us to be out of quarantine his life for now just telling yourself that you need to adjust at least until like January or something for now and just set my dates back, pushing things back as things happen.

I feel like I’ve been working later and more sporadically when I’m working from home because you can just check your messages or your computer whenever, and you can get up and see the dishes are piling up and spent two hours cleaning your kitchen, and then you have to make up for it, and then you’re working until nine or something, so it’s definitely a balance figuring it all out.

Q: Can you give us a small walk through on how you started out in your career, and what younger you would need to hear to get where you are?

I started off by doing a PR internship in NY that was focused on beauty products. It was there that I learned a few hard truths like the "top 10 best products for glowing skin" mentioned in vogue was actually just a list of products that various PR agencies were able to pay off editors to add. It just didn't sit right to me and I didnt end up staying at the agency after my internship, but it did spark something in me about promoting products that I did like and that aligned with my values: sustainability, female owned brands, etc.

One great thing about my time in NY is that's where I happened to meet my boyfriend on one fateful night out at Max Fish which is usually the opposite of the place you meet your soulmate lol. Anyways fast forward a few months and I ended up moving to LA for said boyfriend and had to completely start over. I had no connections in LA, no friends, and at that point was still too early in my career for my resume to stick out of a pile. The start was rough and I had to get PT jobs to make money while I figured out what the fuck I was going to do in this new place where people usually move to with very specfic big dreams.

Now to the good part, the part where HOT LAVA started it all for me. Rachael loves this story and I didn't actually admit it to her until several months after working for her. Basically I had been reading her advice column Steaktalk for a long time and she had a post about how to get a job. Literally she broke down how to set up your resume, cover letter, and mentioned ways to set yourself apart from the rest. Well I used it to apply for an internship with her and it worked! Once I had that experience in LA under my belt I was able to transition into a brand manager for The Cobra Shop which was right next door to the HL office and eventually I started working for Depop as a Marketing Manager which is where I am today.

Q: Tell me your most embarrassing moment in your current career/ relationship/ creative endeavor:

That’s a tough one. I feel like when you’re first starting out, everything feels embarrassing. I remember the first time I came to Hot Lava—I didn’t do anything I can think was embarrassing, but like, being embarrassed of my existence of just not knowing how to interact with people. Because when you just see everything online, when you finally meet people in person, sometimes it can be really overwhelming. It’s kind of funny to just be embarrassed for being yourself sometimes, but I feel like you grow out of it.

Q: Do you think about where you’d like to be in 5 years or even 1 year, or are you more of the “in the moment type”?

I am more of a person who is in the moment. I do think of where I want to be in five years but I don’t hang onto that title too much, because I think if I think, “In five years I want to be a CEO,” and right now I’m just a marketing manager, in my head I’m like, “What am I doing? I’m just out here everyday not doing that.”

I feel like I live in the moment as far as knowing that, if you are in the moment, it’s going to pay off in the future. If I do work on whatever I’m supposed to be doing at the time, or whenever I’m given the opportunity to do that, then yeah, it will pay off in the end.

I don’t think my career really started to move until I was able to accept being in the moment. For me, when I think about my jobs and how I got to being hostess in New York, to being a dog walker and now to becoming a marketing manager, I don’t think I was able to do that until I was able to say that I just need to live in the moment and get that job to make money right now.

I knew I thought I could do something great but I wasn’t able to do anything great until I was able to sit myself down and handle the basics like, get a job—not “the” job, but a job, and just do OK at that, get your money right, and get to the right place. And slowly I was able to start looking for internships and then I was able to get one. Then it just grew from there.

I feel like if I was living with my head in the clouds, thinking about the future, I wouldn’t have been able to do that because I wouldn’t have accepted just getting a basic job for now.

Q: What causes you stress and how do you ease those stresses?

Prioritizing my work/home life tasks stress me out, especially working from home RN if you have a deadline but also a pile of dishes to do it's hard to ignore that when you aren't able to leave the house and ignore the home life stuff. I try to read self help books, make lists, ect. The biggest help is self talk and just reminding myself that the world won't just because your todo list isn't complete.

Q: Name one hobby:

I really like going out and riding my bike, so finding places are safe right now has kind of been the thing. I don’t go mountain biking or anything, I like riding my bike in a nice/safe area. I also don’t want to be in the city, so I’ve been looking for national parks nearby and local areas where you can do a 14 mile bike ride or something. I used to live in New York and I would ride my bike everyday, so I used to ride 25 miles a day, but now it’s like 12 miles I’ll make a whole day out of it.

I also really like music, but it’s sort of like a personal thing. I write songs and work on stuff, but I’ve never thought of it as something I’d do in reality. But, I’ve been doing that a lot more since we’ve been in quarantine.

Q: One thing you always tell your best friend:

I mean I tell her everything. I literally have become attached to Facetime with her daily since quarantine started. It's kind of a nice thing because she lives all the way in Texas so being stuck inside has brought us closer. I used to call her every couple of days and give her the highlight reel of my week but now it's like every 3 hours and life is so boring stuck inside that no detail is spared.

Q: If you wrote a book what would the title be and why?

Scared for No Reason: Why Doubting Yourself is Your Downfall.

I feel like there are already many books about this subject but I haven't found one I really connected to specifically. One of my biggest realizations in life is how much fear has stopped me from doing things I am actually really passionate about or interested in. I am still on the road to ultimate confidence (giving myself a deadline of reaching age 30 for this), but a lot of things changed in my life when I pushed past the fear and doubt that is a big part of my inner voice. A few examples are applying for internships that have led to my career (thanks Hot Lava), talking to my boyfriend who I have now been with for 5 years, walking up to a brand's creative director and telling them I can produce content for them and making that my side gig. The point is none of this would have happened if I was listening to that fear voice in my head saying I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or qualified enough.

Q: What's your favorite Hot Lava piece and why?

My fav Hot Lava piece recently would have to be the bike shorts or zebra dress just from a design perspective. I think the team really hit the nail on the head and created trending pieces in a unique Hot Lava style. My all time fav piece and first piece I ever bought is the surf top! I purchased the first one HL ever produced the night it launched in 2014 or 15? Its white and has an eye! But I love the cut the most. I have it in black and lime green too. It's just the perfect top, a contrast of modesty with the high neck but also sexy with the tightness.

What's on Lizzy's Playlist:

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lostinanimage · 5 years ago

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Okay, so, question. Is Patreon good? Like do you like using it? I'm trying to figure out wether or not it'd be a good platform for me to use

I like it for what I use it for. It’s not perfect, but I haven’t found anything better for what I need, so I’m glad someone suggested it to me. I’ll kind of tell you some pluses and minusus and hopefully that helps. Though keep in mind that I do know they made some changes at some point and they early adopted the accounts that were made prior to that. So I’m not sure what those changes meant. Why I like patreon: *Everything is set up for me. It was very easy to just fill in the forms and have a page. This is huge because I didn’t want to be spending time and energy (and likely money) setting up a website. *Their platform manages all the subscribers. It’s not perfect, but it’s not unworkable to message individual subscribers and look at changes. *They handle payment. I don’t have to take anyone’s payment information and they never see any of my personal information. They handle sales tax laws for other countries and have provided clear instructions to help me with that mess. *It’s common enough that people aren’t totally against having an account. *They don’t cater toward a specific kind of content so I don’t feel like certain artists are mistreated. *Their rules for explicit content make sense and don’t cause issues for me. *There’s an obvious theme here of how they lower the backend of work for me. I want to spend my time writing. I update my partreon way more than anyone else I know who has one. I don’t want to spend time coding a website and dealing with processing payments and sending out content individually. All that would cost me more time and money than the fees Patreon takes. *Initial posting is very easy. This is actually why sometimes when I’ve been busy Ao3 has gotten more behind than planned. Because I literally copy and paste directly from Word and it just keeps all my formatting. *Post scheduling. I’ve used this a lot of times when I needed to get something online and edit it later. Ao3 backdates drafts and that keeps people from seeing them if I don’t actually post for a few days. This is why I don’t schedule Ao3 posts in advance when I won’t have internet. Cons: *There is no good organization of posts done automatically. I use tags, but ultimately, it’s not made for someone who wants new subscribers to be able to find really old posts. This meant I spend over 36 hours creating a table of contents at one point. It’s now horribly behind but it’s so much work and I don’t want to update it when the tagging system makes this a bit less of a problem. *There is no easy way for me to sell blocks of older content. This means that new subscribers just get everything exclusive immediately for $2. I did take the $1 option away after a point because of this. Some creaters delete old posts because of this, but that doesn’t work for what I use it for. *It’s not really meant for large blocks of text and that shows. It might be my computer, but Ao3 and tumblr don’t have this issue, so I doubt it. Once I’ve posted a chapter, editing it on my computer lags to the extent that I type all my notes in word and copy and paste them into the window. If I add more than a word, this is what I do. Oddly, the app is better about this. *Some people just don’t like patreon or subscriptions for whatever reason and ask me to use other sites. I lose this money because the cost of preparing a separate site when Patreon works just fine is not worth it for me. Selling PDFs directly means I have to give out personal information I’d rather not give out. Patreon allows you to pay and immediately unsubscribe while having access for a month so I don’t understand why it’s worth the excessive work it would take to create more options. I don’t *love* it when people do this, but I don’t hate either because I create content a very fast rate so they’ll need to resub anyway at some point if they want the new stuff. It is what it is. That’s the basics. If you have more questions, I’m happy to answer them as long as you don’t ask me to set up your whole site. (Patreon makes it easy so I’d just confuse things anyway.) I don’t use all of Patreon’s features (because all my stuff is digital so I don’t mail anything.), but I think it’s pretty good for what I use it for. I don’t actually find that I get more engagement on Patreon than Ao3. That’s okay. I don’t use a lot of those features. Honestly, I created my Patreon just to justify the ridiculous amount of time I spend writing and not feel bad about writing original characters for free when I really can’t afford to do that finacially. In the pandemic, it’s almost all my income that comes from work. It doesn’t come close to supporting me, so I’m still living on unemployment and help. But it gives me a structure to feel like I’m working everyday when I get up and write for hours, and that’s so good for my mental health.

#my patreon stuff #my asks #ask me things #patreon

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purplecloudsinmycoffee · 5 years ago

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Everyday People

Earlier today, my best friend and I were talking about a particular older friend from our hospital group and how she was always the type to push people to become better. I think I’ve been really lucky that I am surrounded by people that I can learn a lot from. So I felt like making an entry about all these amazing people just because I love them and I need to brag about them (also something to read again when I’m looking back because I’m a sentimental piece of crap).

My hospital group has become sort of a family to me and I relied on them a lot during my clerkship and internship years. The older friend I mentioned was a member of my small group as well. She’s always felt like an older sister. If there was a person that taught me that I should never remain stagnant and should always seek to improve myself, it’s her. She’s also shared so much wisdom from her own life experiences that helped me lot. I talk to her a lot even now. I’d ask her take on difficult decisions and she’d also tell me about the challenges in her marriage.I remember months ago when I told her that I felt vacant and lost and she’d send me books and apps reminding me that it’s my job to get myself out of that pit.

The other female member of our subgroup is this hilarious girl I enjoy spending time with because we just laugh at everything. Corny jokes and puns galore. We share one brain cell when we’re together. She’s so chill and light to be with but also takes her work seriously. I’m happy I still get to work with her sometimes because I miss her and she lives the farthest.

The best friend I keep mentioning in my posts is someone I talk to almost everyday. I consider the friendship I found in her so rare and golden that I am amazed to have met someone who gets and knows me like she does. I talk to her about anything and everything with no fear of judgment. I’ve always admired her silent strength and how she kept herself together after everything life has thrown at her. We always joke about how we’re soulmates cause we’re so in tune with each other and so much on the same wavelength that it’s crazy. I don’t think I would’ve survived if I’ve been through what she’s been through, so I am always in awe of her in that way.

I have another best friend who I’ve been friends with since first year med that I also talk to a lot. She’s really really cool and she takes care of people so well. I think she’s always a bit too hard on herself cause she’s such a hard worker. She’s always been a bit more grounded than I am so talking to her gives me a new perspective. She’s a surgery trainee now so I don’t get to talk to her or spend time with her as much as I used to but I cherish times that I am able to talk to her.I love hearing about her new life and her adventures or even something as mundane as being able to still discuss manga and shows.

If my older female groupmate is my older sis figure, my older brother figure is this other male groupmate. He’s also a drinking buddy and one of my breakfast buddies. What’s so amazing about him is that I can say without any doubt that he’s a genuinely good person. Kind to the core. He’s extremely hilarious as well which makes hanging out and drinking with him fun. My other small group male groupmate is this energetic guy who’s so enthusiastic ALL the time. I can never match his energy tbh and there were times that I clashed with him during work. I really respected him for how hard he works though and I’ve always been jealous about how he always knew what he wanted to achieve in life and where he’s going. The last male groupmate is unique in his way of thinking but everyone loves him because he’s adorable.

The other 2 female members of my group are also really awesome people. I think I share with both of them the love for learning. I love discussing interesting cases with them. We’re all IM nerds so maybe that’s why. One of them is a free spirit who is so entertaining as much as she is frustrating. She always does things her own way and her confidence I always admired. The other one is the top of our batch and she’s such a sweet girl and I’m always so proud of her and her number one fan. I try to check on them every now and then and they’re doing so well in their chosen paths.

If my hospital group are people given to me (through alphabetical grouping) to help me survive my last 2 years in med, my OG med school gang are people I chose after floating around for a bit. I was the only one among my college buddies to go to my med school. So I didn’t really know anyone. Initially, I hung out with the people closest to my seat and I got along with them okay. I socialized a bit, befriending the girl closest to me at the time. She told me she wanted to hang out with this group of people we coincidentally saw at the place we were having lunch at. Initially, I was ok with just the two of us cause she was good company but they seemed like an interesting bunch so I agreed.

I hope they don’t take this against me if they see this (and I’m pretty sure they won’t see this but just to be sure), they weren’t the most socially adept kind but I’ve come to see and appreciate the good things throughout the years of knowing them. We had a lot of fun and the scope of my hobbies and interests definitely expanded because of them.

I’ve talked about the first one (the female best friend from 1st yr med). My other female friends are so different from each other that it’s funny. One of them is rather quiet but can be a bit blunt and has bizarre interests. What I’ve come to love about her is how loyal and generous she is. It was fulfilling to see her gain more friends throughout the years. The other one is a shy girl who’s always a bit unsure of herself. She’s also very sweet but very logical in the way she thinks (and sometimes overthinks) that it’s interesting to see her perspective on things (even if there are times that I disagree). I like hearing her stories about work and when she tells me when she does things that are out of her comfort zone. The last one is the one I’m probably on the same wavelength as (probably because we’re both INFJs? I dunno). I don’t get to talk to her a lot because she kind of comes and goes haha. She’s probably the most mysterious because she doesn’t reveal a lot about herself but I love talking to her about life and random stuff. We kind of have sessions that we talk about anything for a long period of time and then she kind of disappears for a while until the next session. I’ve come to accept that about her.

My two male friends are also very different. One of them I frequently call Bestie or Satan or Susan to annoy him (he’s gotten used to it now that I need to change tactics) is kind of like a go-to person for new content of anime/manga, movies or whatever. He kind of likes a lot of the same things I do. Underneath the bullying and crass behavior, he kind of cares in his own way (even if he tries to deny it). Similar sense of humor so the shows and shit we like are similar. He’s really smart but also really lazy but also really lucky so it balances out. We talk a lot about work these days which is very different from the times we were trying to outshine each other in procrastination back in med school.

The last friend tbh is the most difficult one to talk about. I want to talk about what I liked and miss about this friendship though.He kind of lives in a world of his own. He’s the unconventional type. He’s awkward and often misunderstood (but sometimes he’s so unaware that I have to admit it’s kind of his fault too). He has a lot going on though which I try to understand (try is the keyword here because there were times it’s an active effort). What I really loved though is that with this person I have felt most at ease in a way. Kind of those people that it’s okay not to talk when you’re around them but you’re also comfortable enough to talk about yourself when you wanted to. I’ve always been fascinated and appreciative of how creative he is and how much he knows. We also shared a few common hobbies and he’s a really nice movie buddy. He listens when you talk (but can sometimes zone out but it’s ok) and his sense of humor I also jive with. I can’t claim to fully know him or understand him but I loved spending time with him and trying to get to know him. I was extremely proud and happy when I heard that he got accepted to the training program he wanted.

There’s actually a lot more people and friends who made med school so happy and colorful but this is already a long post and I’ve indulged myself way too much with this. I really just want to be appreciative of all the people who I saw and interacted with everyday for the past few years.I have the time to reflect and see much fun I had and what I learned from them and what they contributed to my life. All this free time is thinking time anyway.

#personal

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guccixcoochie · 6 years ago

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Thoughts on why Harry is the loveliest and best? Now spill...;).

Anon are you the same one who sent me similar ask today ?

‘what makes harry styles special & what he means to me?’ Answer is same

My goodness are we really doing this !? again !? this can’t be good for my health. Anyway that’s very bold of you to assume I can form a coherent sentence to a question like this. If you’ve known me & gone through my blog for more than 5 sec, you know how far up his arse I am at any given minute. So this is going to be a bumbling mess, so cheesy & so extra but u asked!

Last chance to turn away. Block me now!! You’ve been warned.

Let me put it out there(as if it’s not clear already) that I have been in love with Harry Styles from the moment he stepped on X-factor stage, there was no doubt in my heart that I was utterly & irrevocably gone for this boy. Everything about him was perfect to my 16-year-old self, it was impossible for me to look at him for more than 0.03 sec without breaking into giggles like a moron.

He’s the most aesthetically pleasing of course, with his green eyes that shine like emeralds, hair that could put Rapunzel to shame, his 3000 megawatt smile that could save climatic crisis if we could only learn how to harness it’s power, I could write sonnets about his dimples(see what u did to me wattpad), but for me what makes him beautiful the most is his spirit, the that in spite of going through everything that he did at such a young age, he’s only become kinder, more confident, more compassionate & more present. Love Wins

For me he’s not just the cheeky one, not the cute one, not the curly one with huge eyes anymore, somewhere along the line he has stopped being just an object of fascination in every intricate fantasy I’ve ever weaved in my head. Somewhere along the line he’s become a constant presence of light in the darkest days of my life.

His voice is the one I respond to when the noises in my head become too much, his lucid eyes are the ones I want to look into when all the others I find around me are clouded. His hands are the anchors that pull me out onto the surface when I am far gone into my own self.

still here after that !?? woah mate you’re as mental as i am.

He is important. He’s brave. And he’s going to be fine. It never fails to amaze me just how humble & down to earth he stayed all through that shit storm. Rather than make me envious of his fame, his riches & his privilege like some other celebs, he makes me inspired. That’s how I know he’s doing fame right. Watching him grow & live this strange but fulfilling life is so amazing. I couldn’t be prouder.

Then there’s his overall persona. It’s a wonder just how much he is. How much space he seems to occupy wherever he goes. You can never look away when he’s a room no matter how huge the room is or how many people, he’s just too radiant & full of life to let peasants over power him. He’s giant stars & constellations wrapped into a teddy bear.

His devil may care attitude when it comes to his sartorial choices of clothing & giving zero fucks to people making assumptions about him is so inspiring in this age.

His voice. Do I need to write 17 books on this? There’s reason why harry sang most of 1D’s choruses, his voice is made to fill arenas. Tell me your toes did not curl at “Broke a finger knocking on your bedroom door, I got splinters in my knuckles crawling across the floor” & edges of your heart did not soften at “understand i'am talking to the walls, i've been praying ever since new york”. His voice is honey, caramel, maple syrup & all the warmth & the sweets combined into a scrumptious delicacy.

Then there are his lyrics. This takes a whole day & you’re gonna kill me if I start now. Should we arrange a topic call to geek the fuck over this ? Ring me up for a cuppa babe, we’ve a lot to talk.

His on stage charisma?? Hello??? I mean this Rob Sheffield’s quote only scratches the surface:

“Harry Styles, master of the power flounce. For a band that formed on TV, 1D are not done justice by video, because Harry is a performer you have to see live. The way he covers space is insane — imagine if Mick Jagger had the warm and benign heart of Paul McCartney, cast under a magic spell by Stevie Nicks, and you’re about halfway there…It’s like watching the footage of Secretariat running the Belmont Stakes in 1973 — he’s 31 lengths ahead of the other horses, but he speeds up madly for the final stretch because he’s so in love with being fast. That’s what it’s like watching Harry work a stadium. You instinctively think, “Dude, save some for later,” but the whole physiology of saving some for later is alien to the Harry lifeform. The harder he works to give every drop of his Harry-osity away, the more of it he has. Watching Harry spit water and touch his hair makes me want to be a better person.”

His Rolling Stone Quote. That’s it

Ending toxic masculinity automatically gets brownie points for any man:

Single handedly made kindness the new sexy. This could go on forever. If you took trouble to come to my blog, you would already know these anyway.

https://dailyutahchronicle.com/2017/11/07/harry-styles-walks-talk-kindness/

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/harry-styles-kindest-purest-human-exist

https://www.look.co.uk/news/harry-styles-good-causes-573946

https://www.iheart.com/content/2017-11-13-24-times-harry-styles-was-too-pure-for-this-world/

I have not included all of my favourite fan interactions, tons of stories him treating people with kindness & just being an adorable cupcake bcz well there’s not much you haven’t seen that many people did not cover already.

Some tidbit from Iz @harrysblacknailpolish

https://harrysblacknailpolish.tumblr.com/post/170992323093/some-weirdness-one-former-one-direction-fan-is

TPWK, TPWK, TPWK, TPWK, TPWK, TPWK

Then there’s this goofy hoe mother fucker:

Exhibit 1, Exhibit 2, Exhibit 3, Exhibit 4

He’s with us in every step

He loves us. Probably more than we love ourselves & more than we ever realise.

He taught me to be kind to myself & others, to make my happiness my priority, made me believe that I am worth. Without him I would never have come out & be myself everyday. For that I am forever grateful.

I will probably never love anyone as much as I love him. He taught me to love & somehow that is enough.

Sorry for the long post.

*pictures & gifs are not mine. Credits to the amazing owners*

#harry styles #treat people with kindness #tpwk #one direction #solo harry #harry styles edits

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captainwanderlady · 5 years ago

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Hi, I just created this account tonight, since I was looking for a free site to express my thoughts.. Upon scrolling I saw this delineation, that made me wrote this blog right away. Just want to share my testimony here to inspire. Since I am already doing this but not posting on soc-med, so why not try to post it here right? :) Anyway, I am not a pro but proud and loud to be work in progress, so please bear with this. =))

Here you go, A spirit filled online blog!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This scenario was me before, neglecting Jesus Christ. I was more focused on what is in here on earth, instead of focusing on Him more. I was too distracted by the social medias, friends that was kept on inviting me to have fun, but at the end of the day they didn’t gave me satisfaction but only temporary happiness. I was exhausted, tired, lost, confused and sad, that led me to have an anxiety. It also made me to became dependent on others, that I cannot do such things and stand on my own feet. I was too desperate to have a relationship with a man because I thought, He will make me whole, that I wouldn’t be alone anymore, since I am only child. I thought he will make me happy, and will give satisfaction what my heart truly desires. But all of those “THOUGHTS, AND TEMPORARY THINGS” didn’t really made me happy. They’ve just caused me even more loneliness and emptiness in my heart. Since God made a way to turn myself back to Him. Using that man, let me say “My Ideal Man” to hurt me. I know I’ve been hurt so many times before that made my heart really wrecked, but those people didn’t gave me true realization in life. But not this time when I met this “Ideal Man”, to be honest I met him on a dating app. My first ever eye-ball, but I won’t yet tell our story here. I am just including Him because I am constantly aware that He used by God. Since for God there is no such thing as coincidence. So, to cut the long story short, It made my realized almost everything. Maybe because He influenced me in a good way. I was really devastated when he left me. I don’t know what to do, I thought begging will make him stay, but unfortunately it just came me off as a desperate woman.

But not until God finally wept my tears and heard my fervently prayers. He used right people for me to confided my troubles, and spoke to me according to the Gospel. I was really amazed how God can turn things around. How He will move to your life amidst challenges and troubles. He is Indeed faithful and truly He is close to the broken hearted. I turned myself back to Him, confessed my sins, surrender my life but up until now I’m still praying for Him to help me surrender all of those other areas of my life, because I know it isn't easy to surrender everything but I know it is worth it, that I would live according to His purpose and Will, not mine. I am now attending bible study, I have this eagerness in my heart to seek Him more and more. And I realized that the Bible is truly the manual of life. Through Him, I already met right people that will lead me and walk with me through this journey. Praise God!!

Before, I used to be feel broken, unloved, unworthy, purposeless, emptied until He made me feel that His love for me is unconditional, unfailing and unchanging. Believe that He can restore what is broken, that there is nothing impossible to Him. I know that His steadfast love for me will endures forever. He made me realized that I have a purpose here on earth, I just need to explore and pray for it, because when the right times comes, He will reveal it. Also, all of my doubts, fears, worries, and problems was swept away because He is truly in control, that He will fight for you and with you. Even my envious self before made me changed because He made me feel contented in life. It also changed me that I wouldn’t mind losing people, things, money in life because I know He will replace it with much better that you could have ever imagine. I already lessen my sins, by starting quitting saying lies small or what (seriously, even white lies, my heart aches when I’m lying) Also, by forgiving those people even when they’re not saying sorry. I know these things won’t make me righteous but at least He made my life better, lighter and free my heart from burden. I know there is still more to improve and to explore! I am just too excited for those, because I know God already created those beautiful things for me. I just have to be patient and enjoy the life now that He created. Keep also in mind that at the end of the day He is the only one who can make you feel satisfied, fulfilled, and complete. I know that my future is already secure in Him. I just need to be still, and trust Him, because HE NEVER FAILS. So today, forever until eternity, He is my fortress, my refuge, my confidence, my provider, my counsel, my father and my everything. I am just gratified and blessed on how He turned my life from plain to colorful that’s why my soul now is already anchored in Him. His amazing grace and holy spirit will forever sustains me! I will forever safe because He saved me! Truly that there is a beauty in Ashes. I will forever honor you Jesus Christ because I know you are in the father, and the father is in You.

Thank you Father because you’ve accepted and chose to love someone like me, in spite of my sins, wrong and immoral doings that I’ve done before that you’ve sacrifice your only son on the cross to paid the penalty for those. Guide me Father, in every step of the way, through this Journey with you. Thank you always father for giving me strength, motivation, discipline, protection, security and wisdom for my everyday life. Help me to close some doors that needed to be closed, and to open the doors for opportunity, prosperity, and for my growth. And in times of temptation father and attacks from evil let your grace and holy spirit lead my life. Help me to continuously live according to your words Lord. And may you used me, mold me to guide and instruct others, to share how great you are and your words. I love you Father! You are the best part of my life. Without you, I can’t imagine where I’d be. I will forever believe in You, Acknowledge you in everything, Praise and Honor you!! You are the Lord of All! You are above all! You are my Father and I am your daughter!!

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

ctto of the pic

#IamOnceLostButNowFound HighliftOfMyLife HeSavedMe BeautyInAshes LifeTestimony

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xxkaibutsukoxx · 6 years ago

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I think this is a vent, so please skip if you don't wanna deal with long, self-indulgent post, you deserves so much better.

I think I'm having an art burn-out and I'm almost at the point giving up.

What caused for this? Could be anything really, could be because I do art and draw for projects in university, could be because I moved out and is busier than ever with chores and work and too tired to do anything else, could be because I'm doubting myself seeing new and higher levels of skills from people at my age or younger than me in my class and everywhere else.

But I think it is because I'm scared that I'm not living up to the expectations and admiration from ones who looked up to me.

I've deleted an anon from a week ago, saying how my style has changed as well as my concepts and posting schedule, and though they are not yet liking what they saw, they would still support me. It sounded like someone who was genuinely wanting to continue to look up to me, even if I changed, but I was angry and scared somehow, to that anon, I'm sorry for being angry, I was scared because you were right.

I changed, my art changed, I lied about wanting to draw, I'm not happy with drawing anymore.

It was not recent that my blogs are usually focused on uploading only one type of content, a certain fandom, a certain concept, I categorize my arts on what I draw for fun and what I draw to upload, to try and build an online persona that I was happy with, so I can feel like I was important, that I mattered.

Focusing started to became restricting, and after I joined the Gorillaz fandom I set a restrictions for myself on what I can post on my Tumblr blog, eventually my Instagram, and even Twitter. I tell myself that I'm having fun, and I did, I had so many memories, good and bad but I wanted to remember all of them, I talked to so many people, including with artists and writers I looked up to, I made friends that I'm extremely grateful for. But the happiness didn't last, I was starting to get worked up over what initially pushed me to go this far.

Expectations.

I try to know what people wanted, I try to learn why they followed me and liked what I post, and it became a ruler for everything I post online. What I draw, what I post and hell even what I reblog sometimes. I have a very strict self-policy of what I thought I want on my wall, and it was what my followers want. I have a strict schedule of posting so my followers can see what I did for them, I force myself to draw even when I don't want to just to have something to post. I was consumed by social media and for a while I was fine with that, because to be honest, outside of the Internet, I didn't have much to do, I always tell myself I'm nothing if I don't draw.

For months it was like that until Inktober 2018.

2017 was the year I genuinely had fun doing Inktober, but I know I set the bar too high for myself after that, it was because I was free back then and was fueled was so many ideas I wanted to translate to paper. But I tell myself, this was what so many people followed me for, and they will expect me to repeat this in 2018, I wanted to please them, so I did. I tried to.

I moved and worked on two large commissions and started my second semester that month, but an hour or less a day on a drawing everyday, not a big deal, right? But I was wrong. If I rush it, it looks horrible, and I have to be honest, I hated almost every piece from Inktober 2018, but I posted them anyways, because I know my followers are expecting them, I need to finish this, I can't be late, I tell myself I love this, I like how this turned out, even though I know it looks patched up and soulless. 31 days and not a day I don't regret doing the challenge and I hated myself everytime my right hand shakes from drawing too much for a long period of time. I tried to meet the expectations everyone had for me.

And I feel like I failed every single one of them.

November came and I dropped into an unexpected hiatus, I didn't thought I would be taking a break, but I unconsciously did because I felt sick trying to draw, even if it was just sketching. I managed to convinced myself to have this break and try to do something else that is not drawing. But after a few days nothing worked anymore, and I got back to drawing, but even that changed, and I was so fucking sad to know that I wasn't drawing because I like drawing anymore. Nothing looks good so I finished nothing, and relapsed into not doing anything in my little till non-existing time outside of school and work except for lying around being anxious of what's happening to my online persona.

I was stressed out because I scared that I'm disappointing people by disappearing, by not answering to pms and asks, and most of all, by not drawing and posting. Disappointments will go away but that left me with what I feared the most, being forgotten.

It's pathetic of me to get this upset with online platforms and I'm so sorry if you read till this point and know this side of me. I truly only want to vent as I don't really know what to do with myself anymore, many times I have considered to just disappeared without a trace just so I can escape from this labyrinth I built for myself, but the fear of failing expectations gets me back.

I'm so pathetic and I know that, I don't blame anyone aside from me and I'm sorry if you felt like crap after reading this.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

#negative #vent #delete later

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hermeticimp · 6 years ago

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Noony Moon’s Umbrella Academy Spread - My Results

Hey guys! So I wanted to start posting more content I’ve actually written here, so I’m going to be posting some personal tarot reads using tarot spreads. The first comes from @noonymoon, who made a lovely shadow work deck based on the Umbrella Academy (which I haven’t watched just yet. The spread was just too nice for me to resist!)

For this reading, I’ll be using my Linestrider and The Arcana decks. I pulled a card from each, which will be labeled with L and A respectively. I’m using both in order to get more familiar with the latter, which is a newer deck (had Linestrider for about a year, Arcana for a few months), and because I wanted to see each deck's perspective on the same issue. Below will be a picture of the layout and cards. Linestrider are white and Arcana are black.

And here’s another image with all cards visible.

The rest is going to be a read more since this is LONG.

1. What is blocking my experience that I need to let go of? - Ten of Cups Reversed (L) & Three of Pentacles (A)

According to my Linestrider deck, what’s blocking me is the idea of what others think is supposed to make me happy. I’ve always been the type to take other people’s ideas into account when making my decisions, whether it be family, friends, mentors, peers, or society at large. I push myself to achieve the way others do, to reach the social milestones that are expected of me. When I see others achieving the happiness the world screams I should have, I feel guilty. I feel like I’m falling behind and I’ll never catch up - that I’ll never be happy. This card is asking to reaffirm what makes ME happy, not everyone else. That’s been an ongoing theme lately, so I’m going to do my best to embrace it.

According to my Arcana deck, what’s blocking me is that I’m still stuck at the beginning. I’ve started off strong, but I’m not sure where to go from here. This resonates a lot in my school and spiritual life. I’ve almost completed my degree, and the first part of my path towards being a forensic psychologist, but I’m scared of what’s going to come after. I don’t know where I’m going to school next or how much it’s going to cost. I’m nervous about what the future holds there. As for spiritually, I’ve delved deep into the world of polytheism and magic, but lately, I’ve felt stagnate. I’m trying to decide which path to attend to. I’m doubting my own abilities, which keeps me from moving forward. I don’t know if I feel sure enough to expand upon things and take my practice to the next level. I just don’t feel secure and stable. This card is telling me that I’m okay, that I’ve established my bases and that, if I’m nervous, it’s okay to lean on others to help me make the next step. I’m on solid ground in both these areas, I just have to trust in the work that I’ve already put in.

2. What is a trait that both helps and hurts you? - Nine of Pentacles (A) & Four of Pentacles (L)

My Arcana deck is hitting me hard here. According to this card, I’m a hard worker who sometimes needs to take a break. I can neglect my needs and wants in order to do school, help others, attend to familial responsibilities, and so on. I tend to push off comforts until I’ve reached a self-set goal, ignoring the fact that my body and/or mind are too taxed to keep going. This has led to exhaustion and difficulty with everyday activities. That hard work benefits my future, but tiring myself out isn’t necessary. I can take breaks. On the flipside, it’s important not to overindulge. In the times where I feel I’ve earned some luxuries, I can go overboard. I might spend too much money on unnecessary things, sleep too much, procrastinate to the last moment, or get out of responsibilities by mentioning how exhausted/in pain I am. It’s an unfortunate manipulative play on my part and reveals the darker side of my desire for rest and peace. I have to strike a better balance between rest and hard work, so that these issues can be resolved.

Four of Pentacles is the Linestrider’s answer to this question. It shares some themes with the last, primarily about overindulgence. However here, it centers more around wealth. I do have a good amount of material objects that I enjoy and keep nicely. I enjoy a life where I don’t have to worry too much about money for the basics and some of things that want. I like nice things. At the same time, I can once again be a little too obsessed with getting things when I don’t need them. I think it stems from my desire for novelty and beautiful things, which I get every time I pick up something new. I also don’t get out much, which means I haven’t made friends in my current home. It’s a habit I have to curb on, both for my financial stability and to ensure I’m not using things to supplant the fact that I don’t have many people outside my family and online friends to reach out to.

3. What is a special trait I have that has served me well so far? Is it still doing so? - Queen of Pentacles Reversed (L) & The Devil (A)

My Linestrider indicates my special trait is my compassion. I have a loving heart and I want to help people. I enjoy making others happy, I make myself open to offer advice, I’m a shoulder to cry on, and I’m a secret keeper. I’m someone who is dependable and wants to take care of those around me. This has helped me establish strong friendships, pushed me to volunteer, and helps open me up to the experiences of various peoples and cultures. This trait is helping me, but I have to be careful not to become overbearing. I’m prone to worry, which can make me a tad overzealous in taking care of those I care about. I can end babying people when they aren’t looking for that or coming off as if I know better for them than they do. That’s never my intention, but it’s happened in the past. I’ve curbed back on it a lot and I think I’ll be fine as long as make sure to avoid it in the future.

The Arcana went with the The Devil. Oh no! How dangerous! I jest. Interestingly enough, this is apparently one of my “tarot birth cards” along with The Lovers. The Devil is a card that speaks about self-imposed limitations. I think that describes me pretty well. I’ve always been rather anxious and a high achiever, so I would often put certain standards on myself. This helped in academics for awhile, is useful when I’m worried about being overwhelmed, and creating ideas/plans in case of emergencies. My tendency to do this has also made me sympathetic to others who deal with the downsides of this kind of mentality. As mentioned before, guilt is common for me when I don’t reach particular goals when expected. Having this anxious, perfectionistic nature led to plenty of meltdowns over the years, along with bouts of depression. I think this mindset, while helpful sometimes, has caused me a lot of grief. I do still utilize it when emergencies occur, but other than that, I’ve released it. It’s important for me to expand beyond these self-inflicted limitations.

4. What is a sinister/self-destructive pattern in your life? - Four of Swords Reversed (A) & Ace of Pentacles and Strength (L)

Linestrider gives me the Ace of Pentacles. Hmm. This card focuses primarily on opportunities for financial windfall. I’m going to take a more general “prosperity” idea here. At times in my life, there have been opportunities for growth and prosperity that I initiated. I prepared, I jumped into it in the beginning… but then I let it go. I started out on the right path, but then things went awry. I always end up shrinking back and letting my insecurities from taking advantage of prosperity. I drew Strength to clarify more. Back and forth cycles of confidence/inner strength and doubt have feed into these moments, trapping me in a cycle of finding opportunities and wasting them when I end up backing down from self doubt. I need to be more discerning and work on taking a leap of faith instead of letting worries keep me down.

The Arcana’s Four of Swords brings back the same themes of Question 2, with the vicious cycle of hard work and rest. I work too hard, then I rest too much. Even when I rest a lot, I tend to self flagellate myself for doing so. I do deal with several chronic issues that require breaks, but it’s easy for me to punish myself for doing so anyway. Doing this during downtime probably doesn’t help how overwhelmed I feel when I’m working for too long. It’s an exhaustive process that I absolutely can’t stand. It’s probably one of the most dangerous I have. Something has to give if I don’t get a handle on it soon.

5. What innate wisdom do you hold? - Queen of Swords (A) & Six of Pentacles (L)

The Arcana states that my wisdom revolves around being able to plot carefully and think things through. When faced with a problem, the gears in my head immediately start turning and generating as many possible outcomes and issues as I can. I prepare for a variety of situations, which makes me well prepared and responsible. People think I tend to just let my anxiety take over and freak out (which happens sometimes, but still), yet I’m actually trying to cover all my bases. It’s better for me to have plans I never use than to not have any at all. This has been useful in the times where I’ve had to take care of responsibilities in my parents’ stead, contributes to my analytical nature in life and academics, and makes me prepared for most anything. I appreciate this talent of mine for it’s helped quite a bit.

Linestrider feels that my wisdom lies in my ability to mentor others. I know a lot, even if I keep it to myself. Nonetheless, I still help people when ever I can. I’m quick to suggest things to people, such as those who are new to the area and are struggling to figure things out, giving out advice, and tutoring others. I’m happy to share the prosperity I have with others, though I haven’t been doing that much with my spiritual practice. This is changing, however. It’s important that I take the time to start sharing what I know. I’m still learning so much and so are others. Nonetheless, I think I have an interesting take on things that I should put out there more. Being able to help others is something that fulfills me and lies a little closer to my heart than my planning. Mentoring other feeds my soul. I may not always have the words to properly voice my thoughts, but I’m going to do my best anyway.

6. Which long-lost part of me needs to be taken care of and healed? - Knight of Swords (L) & Seven of Cups (A)

My Linestrider suggests that the part of me I need to heal is my energetic and confident demeanor. I’ve taken to being too cautious and withdrawn, taking things more passively and not charging forward like the Universe is telling me too. This makes sense. As a child, my anxiety was always high. I was pretty particular about things. While I loved life and could be energetic at times, my confidence took a downturn when I started school. I was always stressed and broke down at the slightest provocation. My fear of failure led me to lose a lot of confidence in myself. Even now, I’m nervous about following my ambitions. Despite knowing that I have the skills and desire I need to move forward, the idea that I might screw it all up plagues me constantly. The Knight of Swords card is a reminder that sometimes it okay to run forward to my target, to release my inhibitions and let my work speak for me instead of my insecurities. I need to step away from the doubt and embrace myself and path wholeheartedly, with no regrets. This will give the energy and strength to move forward.

My Arcana’s take on this issue relates to what the Linestrider said. It is important for me to try and achieve my dreams. But the issue at hand is not just my lack of doubt, but also the scale of them. Sometimes, I think about accomplishing way more than is feasibly possible. Not to say that I can’t do something if I put my mind to it, but that perhaps considering TOO many options is what’s hindering me. I’m so caught up in trying to appeal to all these different desires, of both others and my own, that I’m locked in a standstill. There are too many paths to consider. Since I’ve been young, I’ve been told that I should do this or do that. While it’s true I have a variety of skills, I also need to think about what is realistic. I can’t do everything at once, even if I want to. It’s important to pace myself and to make sure what I do do actually fulfills me. I shouldn’t run myself ragged trying to figure out how I can absolutely everything right this second. This brings to mind the conflict between my Pisces Rising and Virgo Mercury and Venus. I have so many dreams that I want to accomplish, but it’s important be down-to-earth and rational about what I can accomplish. I think paring down the things I truly want to do and know I can be great at will help build my confidence and allow me to follow my heart.

7. What is my superpower and the consequences of it? - High Priestess Reversed (A) & Six of Wands Reversed (L)

The Arcana thinks my power lies in my depth, perceptions, and intuition. I am someone who naturally understands a lot about others and the world without really having to think about it. I’ve always been able to notice and understand people’s feelings, the psychological needs and desires we have, that there is so much more to the just the average rolling days we have. Sure, I’ve researched these things, but even without that or direct experience, I’ve navigated these paths and others with little trouble. I’m someone who enjoys delving into the deep side of things, that fulfills me. I have a wealth of knowledge that I should share with others. At the same time, I have to be able to face the things that my intuition may show me. Some of them may not be the happiest or cheeriest. Even in those moments, I must not turn away from the truth. I have to learn to embrace that and consider yet another section of the beautiful and complex aspects of life. It’s important not to neglect my intuition as it’s my guiding light. Doing so will lead to consequences that I may not want to pay for. This seems to be a caution against overindulging too much in the side of me that is doubtful, overtly rational, and insecure. I need to trust myself and my abilities in order to achieve my highest good.

The Six of Wands reversed is the Linestrider’s answer to this. Once again, it shares a lot in common with the message of the Arcana. My power lies in the things that I have accomplished and gotten through. I’ve excelled in so many ways over the years, which is something to be proud of. I’m not going to get into it too much here, but I’ve been through some intense things. They caused a great deal of hurt, self hatred, denial, and grief. However, I’ve grown past them. I’ve become a better person, a stronger person, which is something to be proud of. I shouldn’t forget the strides I’ve made. Yet, I also should take care not to become arrogant. While it’s important to believe in myself, it’s equally important not to be overconfident. Just because I’ve achieved a lot in the past doesn’t mean I’m the best at everything. Nor does it mean I need to have an inferiority complex about either not excelling like I have in the past or like how others are. My strength lies in being sure about my abilities, neither undermining nor over-exaggerating them. This is fits into the theme of confidence and self love that this reading seems to be aiming at.

Overall, I think this spread and my decks’ responses were dead-on. Trusting in myself was reiterated time and again throughout each question. I was also given ideas on where my problem areas are and ways to deal with them. I really enjoyed this spread and props to Noony for creating it!

#noonymoon #umbrella academy tarot #pop culture tarot #pop culture witch #tarot #tarot spreads #personal readings #readings #shadow work #this was so fun!#tarot reading

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not2nightsatan · 7 years ago

Text

Lights will guide me

word count: 2305

warnings: none? really bad writing, probably grammar and spelling errors

A/N: I know it’s not really good but I wanted to post it anyways cuz there’s not enough wolf pack content existing. I hope it’s not too bad!

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When I woke up yesterday morning, or rather noon, I had no idea what would happen. If I had, I would’ve stayed in bed, that’s for sure. But being clueless about what fate or the universe had planned, I had gotten up being already exited to meet Paul again.

It was kinda weird at first when he showed up at school again, all buff and suddenly best friends with Jared Cameron, after disappearing for a few weeks and then starting to talk to me out of nowhere. I was cautious and puzzled of course, cause I mean he is Paul Lahote, really popular with the girls and admittedly extremely good looking even before disappearing. I had been two hundred percent sure that he was trying to win a bet or just playing with me for fun because I’m a grey mouse so there was no way he could’ve been serious with me. But he ignored both my polite and not so polite rejections and one day even some of his friends - the Uley cult had gained recruits over the weeks - talked to me about how Paul’s intentions are serious and how I really should give him a chance to prove that he’s actually a nice guy.

And eventually that’s what I did. When he had asked me yet again to hang out with him and his friends at the beach, I said yes. I was honestly glad that he didn’t plan to hang out alone with me because that way awkward silence would’ve been guaranteed. It didn’t make me less nervous though, I was shaking and my stomach was turning on my way to the beach. But that afternoon was really nice. Paul actually seemed like a good person and his friends were really nice too and they all had a great humor. When it was time for me to go Paul had insisted on walking me home. I felt so comfortable at his side, it was kind of strange. I’m usually bad at making friends or talking to strangers and I’m also really shy but when Paul asked me about my favorite color, hobby etc while we were walking, talking to him was as easy as breathing. And when he hugged me good night at the end, it felt like I had found the place where I belong, right in his arms.

I also noticed that his temperature was really high but when I asked him if he was having a fever he just chuckled and went after wishing me a good night again.

Falling asleep wasn’t hard that night.

After that day I sat with him and the others during lunch and we hung out almost every other day. Strangely I wouldn’t have minded to spend every day with him but as strong as the connection to him felt, I didn’t want to let that happen even though at that point if had already happened. I had fallen for him. I played it down as not wanting to fall behind in school but I was just lying to myself.

As soon as I couldn’t deny anymore that I had feelings for Paul Lahote, I became that shy grey mouse around him again. I couldn’t look at him, I stuttered when talking to him and when we were alone for even just a few seconds I had a billion butterflies flying around my stomach.

It didn’t take him long to notice my sudden change in behavior. But instead of making a joke about me having a stick up my ass or something like I had expected, he asked me if I was okay with a serious voice and concerned glance. It took me by surprise and had me starring into his eyes.

“Y/N?”, he asked again, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing”, I replied while a smile creeped its way onto my face.

It had taken just his eyes to calm me down and I felt like I was home again.

He smiled back at me and his eyes shot to my lips for a brief second before quickly wandering back to my eyes. That’s when I realized how close our faces were. He placed his hand at my face cupping my cheek and then leaned closer his gaze not leaving my eyes as if he was searching for my permission in them. With a sudden wave of courage overcoming me, I closed the remaining space between us and met his lips with mine.

The kiss was soft, pure and innocent - the complete opposite of Paul. It felt like eternity but when it was over I wanted more of that feeling of warmth, comfort and love that the kiss had given me.

Since that day we met every single day and he couldn’t stop pulling me into his lap during lunch and plastering my face with hundreds of tiny kisses. I didn’t mind it at all though. I felt like I was in heaven and he seemed to have pink glasses on too. The guys constantly teased him about being totally whipped but he just showed them the finger and grinned at me as if he had won the lottery.

I was so damn happy.

I didn’t think about myself as a weird and rather ugly looking girl anymore. He brought out the funny and confident side of me. I felt beautiful and he didn’t stop telling me so too.

But of course the carefree rainbow-fairy time had to come to an end sooner or later.

Paul had invited me to a bonfire taking place yesterday evening at which Billy Black and other tribe members - Quil’s grandpa and Leah’s and Seth’s mom - would tell the tribe legends. It seemed to be rather important to him. But I had no worries going with him to the bonfire, it had sounded like a nice night spend with the guys eating hot dogs and listening to stories.

When we got there Jake was chasing Embry who had a hot dog up in his hand, Leah shoved Seth off the log they were sitting and laughed at him and Jared and Kim as well as Emily and Sam were cuddled up in each other’s arms. It was typical night.

We greeted everyone and soon all were settled on the ground around the bonfire eating and waiting for Jake’s dad to begin. I noticed how everybody got serious and paid all their attention to him although Paul glanced down at me every now and then. I just smiled at him and ignored his glances afterwards to listen to the legend of the quileute tribe.

I was fascinated and completely caught up in the story about the shape shifters and also the one about the second wife.

It was magical.

After Billy finished talking everyone slowly started to chat quietly with each other again.

Paul turned to face me, “Come take a walk with me, Y/N.”

We were quietly walking along a path at the edge of the woods, hand in hand. He seemed a bit nervous, putting his free hand in the pocket of his cut-off shorts only to pull it out again three seconds later and biting on his lower lip.

“So, uh Y/N … and what do you think about the legends?”, he asked while rubbing the back of his neck.

“They’re fascinating! I know it sounds a bit strange but the way Billy told them made me feel like I was actually there too.”

I stopped walking and turned to face him.

“Thank you so much for inviting me, Paul. I really enjoyed the bonfire”, I told him with a beaming smile on my face.

He grinned at me and leaned down to kiss me.

Every time he kisses me, I feel electrified as if his lips would send sparks right through mine, rushing through my body within nanoseconds. Kissing him still feels like it’s the fist time and I hardly doubt I’ll ever get used to it.

His one hand wandered to my neck while he put the other one on my lower back to pull me closer to him. I couldn’t help letting my hands wander up his back, feeling all the muscles, to his head and clinging to his short hair. That action made him groan into the kiss and intensify it which made my cheeks heat up and probably left me looking like a tomato.

He broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against mine.

“I love you, Y/N, so damn much”, he whispered softly after he had stopped panting.

It was the first time he said these three words and it caught me a bit off guard but it also made me the happiest person alive.

“I love you too, Paul.”

He seemed relieved and let out a nervous chuckle.

“There’s something I wanted to tell you, but please don’t freak out, okay?”

I just nodded, confused about the changed topic.

“The legend Billy just told - the tribe members shifting into wolves - it’s true, Y/N. Me and the guys are shapeshifters.”

Everything after he said that is a blur. Me telling him he’s crazy and that I don’t believe him. Then Paul saying he’s gonna show me and turning into a fucking big dog.

I’m sure I’ve never run faster than after I snapped out of the initial shock. I ran back to the bonfire and quickly grabbed my bag with my door keys in it. But when I turned around to run home I almost bumped into Paul. He begged me to calm down and stay with him but I screamed at him.

“Stay the fuck away from me!”

The others have noticed the scene by now and jogged to us.

Sam spoke up: “Y/N, we’re not going to hurt you. You don’t need to be afraid.”

“I don’t need to be afraid?! Oh I’m sorry but my boyfriend turning into a huge wolf isn’t something I see everyday, you know”, I was so scared that I was shaking like crazy and I felt like I’d start to cry any second, “And now I’m going home and none of you better follow me.”

I turned around and started walking.

After a few steps I heard Sam whispering something like “Give her some time” before hearing someone jogging up to me. I quickened my pace but I got stopped by an all too familiar warm hand on my shoulder.

“Y/N, please, -”, Paul sounded like he was about to cry too and it made my heart ache but I chose to ignore it.

“Do not touch me”, I whispered. I backed away from his hand and couldn’t stop a small sob from escaping my trembling lips.

I didn’t look him in the face - I couldn’t - and simply started to quickly walk home again.

He didn’t follow me.

When I had finally arrived at home I couldn’t hold the tears anymore. Thank god my parents were out for the weekend at some sort of spa place.

I was bawling my eyes out while sitting on the floor in my room and I felt like I was drowning, like I couldn’t breath properly.

After what felt like hours the sobs got less and less until they eventually stopped altogether but the tears still made their way down my cheeks.

I mindlessly stood up and walked downstairs through the front door aiming for the beach.

So now I’m sitting in the dark a few hours after having my world turned upside down. I’m shivering in the cold with only my hoodie and a pair of jeans on but I honestly don’t care. I finally calmed down, the tears dried and my lungs are free again, breathing the cold and clear ocean air in deeply.

The water’s calm too. The waves don’t hit the cliffs with a powerful force right now like they did a few days ago but more like they’re carefully embracing them only to be slowly pulled back again.

Everything’s quite. There’s no sound but the wind through the trees from the forest. The night sky is clear too, without any clouds covering the brightly shining stars hanging up high. The stars are mesmerizing and they promptly remind me of Paul’s eyes.

They’re dark brown like the barks of the trees and I every time I lock my eyes with his I nearly lose myself in them.

I begin to feel guilt crippling up on me.

Paul didn’t choose this.

Paul didn’t hurt me. He never would.

I should’ve stayed.

Why did I run away?

“Y/N?”

My thoughts were interrupted by Paul’s soft and deep voice. My heart skips a beat not having heard him coming near.

“Why are you sitting here? You’re going to catch a cold”, he says cautiously like he’s afraid I might get up and run from him again.

“Here, let me bring you ho-”

“I love you.”

He stares at me shocked.

“I love you, Paul, and I’m so sorry for just running off earlier. I j-just … I-”

The sobs as well as the tears

are back again but now Paul pulls me in his arms and holds me tightly.

“Shh, it’s fine. Hey, look at me.”

He places his hands on the sides of my face and makes me look in his eyes. He gives me a light peck on my forehead.

“I love you too.”

He leans down and his lips meet mine. The kiss is rather short but it’s all it needed to comfort me. To reassure me I’m home right there in his arms.

“More than anything.”

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A/N: Feedback/ criticism would be amazing!

#twilight wolf pack #twilight #twilight saga #paul lahote #paul lahote x reader #sam uley #jared cameron #embry call #seth clearwater #leah clearwater #jacob black #quil ateara #emily young #twilight imagine #own imagine #own story #my writing

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idratherlivefreetofail · 7 years ago

Photo

Screenshots from The Youtube 2017 Problem.

Seán ( @therealjacksepticeye ),

I could tell lately that this was just on your mind and needed to get it off your chest and I’m happy that you were able to through this vlog. Bur please don’t keep your feelings and big thoughts inside your head. If you need to say or talk about something that’s weighing on you then please go right ahead and say it and talk about whatever it is. It’s important to let your feelings about something out because it’s a way of expressing them and a way that your brain processing the thoughts that come with them. To respond to some of the things you talked about in this video though. First off the hair looks fantastic! Honestly you have this new glow to you now since you got it done and it seems like you feel much more yourself which makes me happy to see. You’re still you no matter what you look like or what changes about you, changing is a part of life and I think wanting a change even if it’s small just means that you’re human. I think that you’ve gown a lot this year and I think having the brown hair back cements those things that have changed about you and how you’ve grown as a person in this year. I think that you’re wonderful person Seán inside and out. No hair color change or change of scenery in your videos will ever change that. :) The 2nd thing I want to talk to you about in this is that I agree with you and many other content creators about how Youtube has been this year. It makes me sad to see the people that I’ve watched for so many years on Youtube who are very passionate towards the stuff they create and who put so much hard work into the stuff they create with not a lot of recognition for that get completely fucked over from Youtube’s demonetization, copyright claims and the sub-box glitch this year. Literally the only way that some of them are even still making videos is because they still love it and have such a huge passion for it and have other ways of earning money. I completely respect your decision about not being a part of Youtube Rewind this year. I know how much Youtube and being a Youtuber means to you and I know that you have so much passion for creating your content everyday. So I know that this topic is very important to you and that this is so much bigger then just yourself. That’s one of the reasons why I’m happy that you’re talking about this. If I was in your situation I definitely would decide the exact same thing because how can you support Youtube’s behavior towards the people who are creating things on this website? It feels like Youtube doesn’t care about the people on the site anymore just a few big names and people who make them the most money. Youtubers and content creators in general seriously deserve so much better than this. I hope that things will get better next year on Youtube but it’s kind of hard to not feel doubts about that. But at the same time I’m still holding on to that hope. The final thing I wanted to say in this post is that I’m happy that you’re taking the time to prep a little bit when Ethan and Robin are in Brighton so you can spend time with them, it’s very sweet that you’re putting your focus on your friends and that’s how it should be too. You’re a person at the end of the day and have a life outside of Youtube. I hope that the charity even that you guys are gonna do together goes amazing and that you have lots of fun doing it and make a lot of money for such a great cause. HOORAY FOR CHARITY AND DOING GOOD THINGS FOR THE WORLD!! :D

Again Seán I’m happy that you’re getting this all off your chest. I know that all of this has been on your mind and I’m happy that you’re talking about it and not keeping all that inside your head. Don’t be afraid to talk about the things that are on your mind and expressing those feelings even if you’re not 100% informed about them. We’ll all be here to listen to you and to talk about whatever the situation is with you as best as we can. So again don’t be afraid to vent about your feelings and the thoughts that are inside your head. Thank you for talking about all this and especially about Youtube’s shitty behavior this year too we need more people talking about that and saying something because the passionate, hard working and creative people on this site are what make Youtube the great place that it is. Not the people who are trying to get big just to be famous and gain the algorithm with clickbait and weird trends or the big companies that give Youtube the most money. Again Youtubers and people that are on Youtube in general deserve so much better from this site and I think that it says a lot about you seeing you talk about a subject that means so much to you and talk about it in a way with acknowledgement that this is affecting more than just yourself and bigger than just yourself. I hope that the charity event goes well next weekend and I hope that you have a ton of fun with your friends next week too. Go and show them around Brighton, talk about butts with them, throw potatoes at them, I don’t know! Just go out and have as much fun with them as you can. xD You’ve grown so much this in just this year alone my friend and it makes me happy to see you use the influence you have for so much good for the world. I like it when you make these kind of vlogs because I think that you need to talk about things sometimes and they really show that you’re a person behind these videos because you’re talking about the things that really matter to you and that kind of connection with your audience is a seriously and very important thing to have. Keep being the best person that you can be Seán. We need more genuinely good people in the world who’s actions speak louder then their words ever do. You have the influence and “power” I guess you could say to do so many amazingly good things for the world and that can all start by simply talking about how you feel with us. Which I know that you understand and that’s why your cautious about what you say because that can also be easily used against you too. But still just don’t be afraid to talk about the things that are on your mind, don’t just keep all of that inside your head because when something is bothering you those emotions and thoughts can really get to you after a while. Trust me I know because I have a lot issues when it comes to expressing my emotions. xD But now I’m rambling and talking too much and probably not making a ton of sense because I keep repeating myself over and over again and I highly doubt you’ll end up reading this because I’ve made this caption so long. But I still want to say all of this anyway to show you that I listened to what you needed to say in this video. I and so many other people will be here to listen to you whenever you need to talk about something. I may not really know Seán at the end of the day but I care about you just as much as I do my friends in real life. So I promise you that I’ll be here to listen to you, your thoughts and just how you feel in general. :) Again, keep being the best person that you know that you can be Seán.

-Vannessa

#Jacksepticeye #therealjacksepticeye #JSE #SepticShots

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superxandralou · 7 years ago

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Bearing the brunt with Mindfulness - Week 1

*having switched back to my old blog, this is a post from 28/03/18*

(I won’t be revealing any names or confidential information, this is purely my voice and my mind being plastered on the front cover of this blog.)

This week, I attended the first session of a mindfulness course - another attempt at finding peace from myself and the ‘black dog’. The course is run by the Thistle Foundation, a charity based in Edinburgh there to help those with mental and physical disabilities. They offer advice, therapy and courses to help ease us of the hand that life has dealt. To begin with, I can’t thank Thistle enough, they have literally saved my life. Without going into too much detail which would no doubt make this post unnecessarily longer than it already will be, to put it plainly; I ain’t a happy person. Without their help, my mental health would’ve completely taken over. Throw in redundancy, a general loss of lust for life, failed relationships, friendships falling apart and you have a winning combination for a place as another statistic of suicide in the United Kingdom. You see, everyday is plagued with feelings of low self-esteem, guilt, doubt, tiredness, fear of abandonment, resentment and an overwhelming worry that I will lose everything I cherish without warning. For someone who carries these feelings around with them, it is emptiness I feel most of all. But I refuse to become a statistic, I want to get better.

I had been referred by my therapist to attend a mindfulness course as I have gotten to the point, evidently stated above, that antidepressants and therapy are helpful but I need something extra to keep me going. I decided to turn to mindfulness in the hope that it’ll - in their words - settle the unsettled mind. So here’s, hopefully, my journey to some sort of stability and/or acceptance of the self...

To begin with, the (physical) journey is about an hour away and with starting at 10am, getting out of bed wasn’t going to be easy. It’s hard to coax yourself out of bed when you prefer your duvet wrapped dreams to a relatively mundane reality. Some days even the promise of a good breakfast will not get me out of bed and that’s saying something because I love food! Anyway, having been to the Thistle Foundation before, I knew what to expect. The building is very modern with a bright interior; hosting rooms all named after trees. Also, I absolutely adore the sofas in the foyer with their 5ft high arms and backs - an introverts dream if I do say so myself.

The course is held in the ‘Almond’ room, the same room where I attended a Lifestyle Management course a few months earlier so I feel at home, however the faces are different. Walking in, I’m greeted by five others of different ages and styles. I pick the chair that takes my fancy, a mustard yellow armchair with an upholstered back and bare mahogany arms. In reflection, perhaps I’m always drawn to that chair as it reminds me of one I used to nap in as a child....then again, perhaps not.

Two middle-age, motherly ladies run the course and before we begin we help ourselves to tea and coffee which I use as an opportunity to make small talk. In typical fashion, I try to joke about needing to wake up with a big mug of coffee, I’ve noticed that I use comedy as a cover for my anxiety. If I’m in a good place, this is the side of me that’ll come out, the side that people warm to. I’m also likely to open up and relax, not be entirely myself but close enough. Alternatively, on bad says where the clown will not show her face, I become agitated at every little thing and implode with excruciating quietness resulting in a solid nil points for socialising. Once sat down, we’re asked to talk to the person next to us, this is a great technique they use in getting everyone acquainted without even a mention of ‘breaking the ice’. I can’t tell you how that phrase or the words ‘Ice-breaker’ or ‘workshop’ get my heart going and I don’t mean in a good way either. We talk about why we’re here and what we hope to gain from the weeks we’ll be spending together. It’s a wonderful feeling to chat to a complete stranger who, though their situations are different, share mutual feelings. After about five minutes or so, we are encouraged to share with the group.

Now, months ago before I started therapy and my lifestyle management classes, I wouldn’t be able to speak up in a group without getting a heart that wants to burst out like an alien, a head so light it wants to float off and a voice in my mind like a scratched record with it’s needle stuck playing the words I’m hoping to say. But, thanks to the last few months, the pressure has lifted somewhat. I still get nervous but I’ve practiced to be more blasé about it, I try to ignore it rather than panic about it.

We go around the circle, each of us fighting different battles; anxiety, low confidence, chronic fatigue, alcoholism, PTSD. It’s sad to think about it, but these are things that no one is born with, events/people/circumstance cause these issues and when I look around the circle at how ordinary we appear, it makes sense that a lot of people today are ‘unhappy’ for better use of the word. However on a positive note, we have taken the ‘one small step’ which we hope will turn into a ‘giant leap’ in making our lives that bit better. Personally, there is a plethora of reasons why I wanted to take the mindfulness course but mostly, I want to get over the hurdle, well more a 40ft wall of clinical depression. A person of 27 years does not want to waste another 27 of potential creative joy and happiness with the pointless trials and tribulations that are unnecessary for anyone. When it’s my turn, I tell the group verbatim,

“I want to get out of my head so I can be the person I want to be....”

....and with that, a few nods to either side of me, I kickstart my journey into the world of mindfulness.

After we’re screened an old BBC documentary on Mindfulness Meditation - something I probably watched at the time and thought, “What a load of nonsense” - how times have changed. (Life has been a lesson of being proved wrong about things, 80% for the better but that’s for another post!) We are then introduced to body scan meditation. Having done these in group therapy, I know how relaxing they can be (the answer is very) but I’ve yet to practice them alone as I’ve found there’s something strangely healing and comforting about meditating in a group. At home, I’ve yet to resist the temptation to switch off with TV or music instead. (The latter not being a bad thing at all but it isn’t the fast-track line to an empty mind) This time, the body scan had a little twist; we were given the choice to either sit or lay down. Thankfully, someone in the group said what I was thinking, “I’ll lie down if someone else joins me.” So, we each took a matt and a block for the floor. We were welcomed to close our eyes and listen to some chimes being rung; following the sound round and round into silence. Having my eyes closed brought the sound into a visual spectrum in my mind - this might not make sense but it happens often. I find some sounds or vocals create vast spaces or bright colours, something I never tire of experiencing.

Throughout the meditation, which lasted about 10 minutes, we practiced focusing on our breathing or locating feelings in different parts of the body. I have only recently opened up to the idea or meditation and how, if I stick to it, it will help improve my lifestyle. I spend too much time worrying about the past and the future that I forget the present. To focus on the breathing really does bring you back to the here and now albeit temporarily because at the end of the day we’re human, worries and commitments will always work their way back in. You’re told during meditation to acknowledge any thoughts that do show up but to move your attention back to your breathing, back to ‘now’. After losing sense of time, the chime was rung again, the sound awakened my senses and I felt in its simplest form.....nice. Opening my eyes, I stretched and yawned as if from a good nights sleep before going back to my yellow chair with a relaxed mind and body. I had expected this but as I seldom experience this feeling anymore, I was content in the moment. Following this we reflected on how we felt. Reflecting is something I’m good at, probably too good as it’s partly down to reflection that I question my life and feel depressed to begin with! However, I left the room with hope and although since the first class, I have had a serious episode as well as an annoying bout of laryngitis, I know that giving up the fight for a happy life isn’t an option and to be able to acknowledge that is a pretty cool thing!

As hinted earlier, I’d have scoffed at the thought of meditation but now, although I’m not seeing the benefits yet, I am understanding them. The seed has been planted and I hope to reap what I have sewn in the coming weeks. Mindfulness might just be what I’ve been missing all my life, who knows?

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