#but i dont want my tiny weak cat in my room bc i dont want him to get sick

[xximpeach-nixon-69xx]

top 10 worst nights of my life (i’m sick)

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : Urban Fantasy AU

Also on AO3!

TL;DR:  Mythical creatures are real and they flock to Izuku like cats to a sunbeam. He and Bakugo have been the Heroes of various magical creatures for years, now its time for them to return the favour.

Aka the “Aizawa I swear I’m not part of the Yakuza these aren’t gang tattoos-“ AU

basically: mythical creatures are real

izuku is quirkless but he does have magic, which if he uses it carefully it can come across like a quirk

the problem is, its super variable + weaker than most quirks

bakugo is in the know, he and izuku are actually friends bc. izuku used to take him out to go talk to faries and fire spirits

basically, izuku was still pretty powerful, even without a quirk, because of the mythical creatures

he and izuku always planned to register his magic as a quirk if they could think of something, but everything was too limiting so he cant really be seen using it

shinso is part siren (like, 12% siren) and doesnt know it but izuku does and its driving him c r a z y

mic is like 50% siren and definitely knows and thats bugging izuku as well

all for one has like, 800 different curses on him and izuku is shocked the guy is still alive

ofa isnt just a quirk, its part magic which is almost unheard of, and izuku sees and is sh o o k

izuku ends up with ofa because the first ep just basically happens, sans bakugo being a dick

he gets the hang of ofa pretty quickly because hes been using magic his whole life

still cleans the beach because a selkie begged him to

stain is actually a vampire, got turned a little while ago but izuku isnt sure if stain is like, aware of it??? which is a little concerning

izuku is like, 100% human so no one is really sure why he can use magic, but everyone just rolls with it

inko was shocked when she found her infant son surrounded by faries but she put on her game face and read every book about magic ever

hounddog is just a straightup werewolf

nezu seems to be a magic user but izuku isnt sure, but nezu is super confusing anyway

izuku thinks aizawa was blessed by a medusa that thought his quirk was cool because, looking back to aizawa’s sports festivals, his hair didnt always float

izuku asks nezu what he is but nezu changes the answer every time

one of the reasons izuku wanted to be a hero is because of the number of magical creatures that found their way into the profession

he and bakugo go on little quests for magical creatures after school a bunch because A, if they owe you a favour its always really helpful and B, they can give you cool enchanted stuff

bakugo has a charm that stops him from being burnt that he is always wearing. its his favorite, shaped like a tiny dragon and carved from seaglass

izuku has like, 8 luck charms and shoes that make him silent when he walks, among other random crap. he has so many random magic trinkets on his at 1 time he could probably take down a whole gang.

basically izuku is the fae's errand boy and bakugo helps when he has free time because he likes the cool shit he gets

izuku has this lil lizard friend

he calls him a salamander because the little guy wont actually tell izuku what he is

and he saved him when he was little but he cant really remember how, and the “salamander” has been following him ever since

izuku sneaks him in campus cause its his lil lizard buddy! has a pocket in his hero costume and everything

izuku knew the guy was magic but doesnt find out how until the usj, which is, not coincidentally when he has to come clean about magic to aizawa

because

the lil lizard?

was a bigass kirin the whole time

and it literally rips the nomu in 2

and aizawa is like "so,, izuku,," and izuku is like "ooooohhhhh booyy"

but they dont get to talk about it much because the nomu knits itself together is a really creepy way

basically izuku uses every luckcharm, magic trick and maxs out one for all as far as he can push it

with aizawa and the kirin, they manage to take down the nomu before allmight gets there, but none them are in good shape and izuku is like, 2 secs away from being killed by shigiraki when allmight shows up, but w/o the nomu the league bales without trying to take down all might. shigiraki is p i s s e d

during the fight izuku straining the luck charms so badly that whenever he dodges a particularly bad hit, he can feel them shatter

aizawa and izuku have matching hand print scars because shigiraki had a hand on both of them when allmight lept through the door

they have a hard time getting izuku into the abulance bc the kirirn, bleeding and weak, is trying to bite anyone that gets close to his little human

bakugo holds it back while it cries. he’s crying too.

the kirin is called spark bc it sneezed and almost set bakugo's hair on fire

nezu gives izuku the excuse the spark is just a "lizard with a quirk, right?" and just winks and izuku is cONviNced nezu can use magic but he has no proof and its eating him up inside

because izuku is self-sacrificial like that, hes gets bakugo to find some of the healing potions he has collected and uses them on aizawa and spark, not on himself

he only uses one on himself bc spark lays on his legs and bakugo pries his mouth open

aizawa waking up the next morning in hospital like "wow why do i feel perfectly fine" and recovery girl walks in like "aa,,, holy crap???? why are you ok???"

izuku, 3 rooms away with a listening sigil drawn on the wall, has the most shit eating grin

he has to rub it off really quickly when recovery girl walks in. shes a little confused about the pen smear on the wall but izuku just kind of brings weirdness with him so she lets it slide.

so in this au aizawa doesnt have a weaker quirk after the usj

he has a scar but its hand shaped, not the lil crescent one

its on the same side of his face and just missed his eye. izuku’s in on his neck. they are both really lucky it didn’t hit anything important

when allmight burst in, izuku final luck charm shattered into dust.

also izuku has tracking charms on every one of his friends because one time he and bakugo got separated at the mall and izuku cried for 45 minutes straight

comes in real handy when iida goes to fight stain

izuku shows up even earlier in the fight, throws garlic power he bought at 7/11 in stains eyes

stain: h-

izuku, running in tears: sTAY AWAY FROM MY FRIEND

picks up native and iida and runs while yelling at iida about how he cares about him while also trying to find a hero because he really didnt think this through

izuku has loads of sigils tattooed and drawn on his skin and aizawa is shook bc this boy is so soft he is not part of the yakuza

hes co v e r ed in them, anywhere that isnt his forearms/neck/face. some of them are obviously hand done. he did a few when he was pretty little so they arent great

one of them is the kirin across his back and bakugo has to point it out to him because he didnt know it was there and its very glittery and magic looking, not done in normal ink and it must be pretty old too because he has loads of scars over it

and aizawa just wants to yell because how the fuck did no one notice this child covered in tattoos

[chesh1r3]

there was a mouse in my house and my cat is an idiot

so i heard my cat, ez, in the other room running arnd and i assumed he got zoomies and started tossing around a hair tie as he is want to do and he was like running around and stopping like he was hunting something on the run which is HOW HE ACTS when he gets hair ties and hes excited (he likes to throw them around and then chase them as though they were alive and he didnt literally just throw them under the couch his damn self)and he was like looking under pillows and picking up the yoga mat. ALL THINGS HE DOES when playing with hair ties then i see him run into the room im in and reaching under a dresser, but rather than giving up bc he cant reach like he does with hair ties, he keeps reaching and SNIFFS (he DOES NOT do this with hair ties)so im like ok. ok what did u find. 

(more story under cut)

 then this tiny ass mouse fucking BOLTS from under the dresser to its next hiding space, behind out little indoor firewood pileand im like ah. shite so ez follows him but can reach bc he only has tiny cat arms and the mouse is smart and decided to hide under the ash shovel and im sitting like. my legs are folded under me in a v with the wide part facing the firewood and ive put a log down on the non-cat side on the pile so theres a log, a wall, a cat, and a human on the 4 sides.

then i reach in with my superior human arms, pick up the shovel, and sure enough underneath is this thimble sized mouse who looks like hes starring in the hot new production of IT. this pint sized danger mouse looking motherfucker is terrified but tbh hes doing better than most mice that tread into my felines' dread domain considering he hasnt passed out in fear and shock from his little heart beating too fast then i try to grab him, but i dont get him, bc im not about to pinch him and risk becoming guilty of third degree rodent murder.

he runs in the non wall, non wood, non cat direction (the human direction, its me) but, as mentioned before, im sitting with my legs under me and the tops of my feet are on the ground and ive seated my whole ass on the bottoms of my feet. and first i reach behind me and sure enough, there is no space between my butt and my feet where he could have escaped and so i realize this bitch is hiding, under my ass, in front of my feet, nestled on my pant legs

but its not like i can get UP to go GET  a bag to put him in because my legs are his prison. theyre the witness protection hes using as a guard against my darling domesticated beast

so i reach under myself to snatch him, but he runs OVER my hand, sprints a marathon out from under me, squeezes through the gap between the wood block and my knee, and runs under the old wooden sided speaker my dad got for 20 bucks at a garage sale. the gap the legs lift it to provides the mouse a perfect safe haven. but not from my fucking cat. not keep in mind this bit of my house is like, L shaped, and im in the shorter side of the L, and ez came from the bigger one and in the corner of this L is our cat tree where ivan, my second cat, has been sitting this whole time, flicking his tail, watching me and ez flail around after this mouse while by all rights the benny hill theme should be playing and once the mouse runs into the living room, the shorter side of the l, with one way in and one way out, this regal lion of a boy deigns to hop down gracefully from his perch and join the hunt so im like FUCK because at this point im outclassed and this mouse is dead to rights.

but at least the mouse is safe for now, so i run to the kitchen and grab an empty paper grocery bag so i can slam dunk the mouse inside like a rectangular and harshly uncomfortable pokeball once ive attained him. the speaker is in the corner- so walls on two sides, a feral cat ready to fucking chow down on one, another cat sitting in the center of the  room and carefully surveying like some sort of battle general tactician waiting for the perfect moment and angle at which to strike, and me with my unweildy grocery bag. and this is like, a big speaker. its 1.5 by 1.5 by 3 feet, the 3 being height. so i hunch over like an elderly and weak gargoyle to tip the speaker side to side. but im a very weak gargoyle and this is a very heavy speaker. and unfortunately, ez isnt preoccupied moving a speaker so he can slap at the mouse. so like any good mother, i call him a ferocious bastard and put the speaker back so the mouse can hide. then i hear the bag shuffle from its place at my side against the wall. its been moved. the mouse has escaped. rodent!harry houdini has fucking done it. 

but ez, my darling idiot, doesnt notice this. hes an apex predator but hes too busy sniffing for mouse trails under the speaker to notice the mouse has moved rooms entirely and now i cant find the mouse. i have no idea where he is. ivan didnt bother to follow it because he isnt a fucking savage and eats proper food that DOESNT have an active heartbeat and then 2 minutes later theyve both forgotten about it entirely and gone back to their previous activities

farewell mouse houdini. godspeed. i hope u escaped my house and they dont just slay u while im not looking 

[angelicteeth]

hi our boys are disgusting

god fuck yeah they are 

Aristotle: He/Him - Leo - 18 - 6′4

1. What is your OC’s favorite color? blueee!!!!!!!2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect? he loves art books! his mom used to show them to him and he’s collected them ever since. would also like to collect daggers/knives/swords bc he thinks they’re neat 3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to? nothing 4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear? ohhhh this guys 100% a metal head. leather jackets, spikes, ripped jeans, chains- necklaces and wallet, vans or boots, lots n lots of patches/pins- the whole ordeal! typically only wears reds, blacks, whites, and dark shades. muted colors. 5. What is your OC’s first memory? he was around 4 or 5 and his mother asked him to bake a cake with her, and he agreed, of course. they made a giant 5 layer red velvet cake with chocolate, caramel, and peanut butter chips in between and chocolate fudge drizzled on top/off the sides. they made a HUGE mess in the kitchen and all over themselves and he cherishes this memory so sooo much. 6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite? black panthers!!!!! he also loves dogs a lot… he? HATES?? butterflies ???7. What element would your OC be? oh boy fire 8. What is your OC’s theme song? uhhh anything Heavy Metal9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC? noooooo, i dont rlly like doing this edrfghu but! he has a deep voice, its warm and deep and kinda ? sultry? idk 10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC? wrath. 11. What are your OC’s hobbies? painting!!! learning about history/going to museums, annnnnnd does his bf count? LOL12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they? uhhh relatively patient? definitely depends. he’s VERY hot-headed but doesn’t ‘explode’ often 13. What is your OC’s gender / sexuality / race / species / etc.? male, gay, and latino! he’s also human wsedrftg14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods? fucking LOVES cheese??? and big warm pretzels… CINNAMON ROLLS! hates olives ??? and most fish 15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why? he’d really want a big cat, doesn’t matter what… just a Big Boy16. What does your OC smell like? warm, cinnamon maybe but also musky and woodsy… but he sometimes just likes smelling Clean and like semi typical guy cologne ??? or just Expensive smelling cologne,,, idk he always smells really fucking good sedfgh17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job? uhhh right Now he’s just graduated high school and issss looking for work… doesn’t really know what he wants to be, honestly. he’s still trying to figure everything out 18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? he fears losing completely everything he loves, specifically his boyfriend and his brother. a weakness is how hard he is on himself, and how much he isolates/pushes people away when he’s low. a strength is just how warm and caring he is. how much he loves. even if he doesn’t always see himself as strong, he is. he really, really is19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song? h e a v y  m e t a l  h e ‘ s  a  f u c k i n g  m e t a l h e a d i havent looked too into it so i don’t know about songs, i WILL look into it at some point20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do? he live on this hell planet, sadly 21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves? the death of his mom… and his anger… he blames himself for her death and hes struggling hard with it, since his father doesn’t help at all and blames him, too. a pet peeve he has is people leaving doors or cabinets open, it makes him so mad dftgyhu just fucking close them 22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school? heee was a good one ? hardest subject for him was english :/ mainly got A’s! except for english 23. What is a random fact about your OC? he cannot bake or cook anything EXCEPT breakfast foods 24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living? he… didnt see a future until he met his boyfriend, nathan… after his mom died, so did everything else 25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them? amber wanted to play the sims and she told me to create 2 characters but i said hey! i do one, you do one! and then we were fucking idiots and turned them into ocs dfyudfhjkl; its soooo recent that nothings changed LOL im still developing him, as i am with all of my ocs 26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why? nathan… he gave him a second chance at life, he gave him a reason to want to stay alive, a future. also jordan is super super important to him they bffs xoxo (edit: dan n ty also mean the world to him) at his current age… his dad. their relationship does eventually get better but right now, hes the least important but has such a big impact on him it hurts27. What kind of childhood did your character have? A GOOD GOOD GOOOOOOD ASS CHILDHOOD up until 16 it was soooo good… his moms his best friend, he n his brother hung out all the time, and his dad wasn’t so angry or drunk28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions? he picks at his nails when hes nervous, but it doesnt happen very often so its nothing he tends to worry about. heee doesn’t stim but fucking loves paint mixing videos those are his shit uhhh no, no addictions… unless you literally count his bf wertyui29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose? “If You Sit On My Grave I WILL Haunt You” or “Long Live The King” because he’s a stupid fucking leo30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why? yesssssssss he wants to marry nathan So Bad sedrftyui he’s unsure about kids, though… kinda just wants a couple pets 31. What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory? his mom died on his 16th birthday driving to come pick him up. anything involving nathan… doesn’t even matter what it is, he just loves him so much32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be? his mom back33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why? uhhh probablyyyyy not… he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he actually killed someone,,,34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually? uh he likes concerts n shit but its not like,,, a social group thing… he doesnt do that shit…35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories? very vivid imagination, is often found daydreaming when hes not painting or with his bf. not really worried, honestly, kinda just lives in the moment and doesnt give a single god damn shit about a thing except on the bad days36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain? he wants nathan the most, out of everything- and he has him… but if he didn’t he would do anything for him. anything37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do? pees with the door open esdrtyuio38. What would your character do with a million dollars? ooohhhh spoil the shit out of nathan, get a tattoo or 2, and buy art stuff!39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can? eggs, leftovers, milk, orange juice, bacon, butter, and syrup. a couple of canvases, paint brushes, the shirt he slept in the night before. a couple of single issue comics, the graphic novel hes reading, a bottle of water, and a tiny art canvas. random plastic, paper, maybe an empty water bottle or 240. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with? out with nathan, probably on a date. ripped jeans, dark red sweater, black shirt, boots, wallet chain, necklace chain, and a single dangly earring in his left ear 41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why? yell, scream, get super physical. he’s burning, he’s burning, he’s burning. make it stop, better yet, let him thrive 42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? nope! he’s clean for now43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said? oooooh uh he says some Shit when he’s pissed, especially to his dad44. How does your character react/ accept criticism? fine? doesn’t really care about it unless its from nathan. oooor if youre just being a shithead hell tell you off45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza? he enjoys it, wouldn’t mind it at all tbh46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works? fuck, yeah. he’d do something stupid to it to see if it works and then display it in his room or give it to his bf47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle? hellllll yeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh. everything, anything48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult? his mom was his best friend and the reason why he is the way he is. his dad was a good man, but now hes a stupid angry drunk who blames ari for his mothers death. its affected him positively and negatively, hes loving and passionate like his mother but insecure and doubtful because of his father49. Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush? d o  n o t  l e t  h i m  h a v e  a  l o t  o f  c a n d y  p l e a s e 50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? would probably elope with nathan, do some crazy shit, and hope to god he doesn’t actually fucking die 

Jordan: He/Him - Sagittarius - 19 - 6′2

1. What is your OC’s favorite color? light green2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect? stamps, stickers, beanies, anything aquatic-themed, and tarot cards/witchy stuff!3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to? bananas…4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear? lazy type clothes, very sluggish. lots of oversized cardigans, hoodies, and sweaters. baggy shirts, but he religiously wears jeans. likes chains but preferably small ones, and usually only wallet chains. likes wearing a ring on each thumb and if hes Feelin it a couple more! punkish basically 5. What is your OC’s first memory? spying on his brother and dad training outside in the barn6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite? he has a giant soft spot for cows but his favorite is whale sharks!!! he doesn’t really like frogs 7. What element would your OC be? water! but with Slight fire8. What is your OC’s theme song? something slow and sad, probably 9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC? no! his voice is soft and low, like a lullaby. very warm and comforting, but also a lil husky10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC? envy/lust/greed wsedfg11. What are your OC’s hobbies? reading, using tarot cards, organizing his stamps/stickers, watching documentaries, and making sure aristotle doesn’t do anything Stupid12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they? he’s pretty patient but he’s also pretty hot headed. he Will lash out when angry :/13. What is your OC’s gender / sexuality / race / species / etc.? male, bisexual, white (russian/american) also a human sedryui14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods? loooovvveeessss chocolate chip waffles! and breakfast foods in general. hates peas and green beans 15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why? a cowwwww… they remind him of his mom dfghj16. What does your OC smell like? clean but ? kinda minty!17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job? he currently works at a little bookshop/coffeeshop! he likes it but he wants to do something more when he’s graduated from college. 18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? his father and crickets. how emotionally attached he gets to people. how warm and soft he is, he never stops caring for others 19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song? goth, heavy metal, sad/emo shit20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do? he live here Binch21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves? his whole family besides his father is dead and he’s all alone with nobody to turn to. he h a t e s crunching noises. so much. also fucking HATES when people poke holes in shit just STop. 22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school? actually really really good, even though he looks like a fucking slacker esdrftgyhu probably got all A’s23. What is a random fact about your OC? he always has his fingernails and toenails painted black or dark red/purple24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living? fuck man he doesn’t wanna live hes so fucking Tired his dark circles are permanent but ari makes life worth living sdfg25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them? …once upon a time amber and i made a gang au with ari n nathan and promptly made jordan for the Shits and Giggles but it turns out i fell in love and way too deep making his character, thanks!26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why? aristotle, probably, because he assumes his mom is dead. least is his dad whos a fucking asshole murdering cuck27. What kind of childhood did your character have? uhhhh Not Good ill tell you that. his father only married and brought his mom to russia so she could give him kids, preferably boys. first was nikolai, second was kazimir jordan, and lastly was feliks. they were all 2 years apart, making nikolai and feliks 4, so they were all close in age and played together often. his father was most proud of nikolai but feliks had been showing signs of possibly exceeding all of their expectations. kazimir was last in everything, but he was his mothers favorite. he’ll never forgive his father for torturing him and killing everyone he loved. 28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions? he often picks at his nail polish, or the skin around his nails. definitely fidgets with his hands often. doesn’t stim but follows a lot of soap carving and squishy videos, also likes bread/cooking ones. he’s kind of addicted to red bulls but he’s cutting back and resorting to coffee, which he drinks black29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose? “hell’s waiting for me so watch your back”30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why? maybe married but almost Definitely no kids. no thanks. xoxo31. What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory? his father dragged him into the barns once after he accidentally spilled something over an ‘important’ paper so his father branded him with a cross on his side. his mother used to braid his hair with baby’s breath in it when theyd play out in the field, just her and the 3 boys running around, having fun. it was peaceful, bliss32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be? to tell his mother he was sorry and that he’ll never stop loving her33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why? no, he’s seen what killing someone does to people34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually? i dont really like this question edrtyu35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories? hes so tired all the time hes often in the clouds, never really focusing. daydreams a lot to make it through each day, pretending hes someone hes not. hoping that his mother is actually still alive, and that he doesnt have to keep reliving memories. they wont stop fading, he keeps getting them jumbled. he just wants to make more with her, be with her one last time36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain? his moooooooooom, he’d do anything for her37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do? he has to turn door knobs twice before actually opening a door 38. What would your character do with a million dollars? that’s so overwhelming to him but probably pay off college shit sdfghj debt is So Scary 39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can? yogurt, water bottles, red bull, orange soda, and some strawberries. a pair of jeans and boxers and random books hes checked out from the library. a half empty can of red bull, the book hes currentl reading, a beanie, and a cute little jar of jelly beans ari got him. garbage can has crumbled up balls of paper, empty red bull cans, empty bottle of soda, and an old textbook.40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with? probably aristotle and nathan to a concert/out to eat. wears black jeans, a baggy red and black striped sweater with a black shirt underneath, boots or vans, and prolly a wallet chain + his thumb rings41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why? he screams and yanks on his hair fgyuhlj;k42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? heee has a cross on his side, and a few Light scars on his face- over his bottom lip, on his forehead and on the left side of his cheek/jaw. a couple on his back and arms as well most of them are from his father…43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said? he’s never said anything Out Loud but in his head he says shit all the time dxgfhgjhjlio hes a snarky son of a gun44. How does your character react/ accept criticism? he will go home and Cry about it later 45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza? eh its Ok46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works? hes pretty paranoid about it and probably shows it to ari like ‘bitch what the FUCK’47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle? he doodles mindlessly when hes bored in class 48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult? uhhhh his dad is a big Cuck but his mom is an Angel and the best person he’s ever met. this has fucked him over hard bc hes father took her away from him and now he has nothing left so hes an anxious, paranoid Mess49. Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush? he l o v e s candy pls50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? Kill Him Now

Tyler: He/Him - Pisces - 22 - 5′7

1. What is your OC’s favorite color? baby blue and pink!2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect? nail polish, lamb stuffed animals, comics, seashells, and washi tapes 3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to? nothin4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear? he likes soft colors, pastel. sweaters are his favorite but he also likes long sleeved shirts. dresses pretty feminine, isn’t a fan of dark colors on himself unless its his boyfriends clothes5. What is your OC’s first memory? when he was around 4 or 5 he was riding his bike when he hit a rock and went flying forward, causing him to scrape his knees and his nose to bleed 6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite? l o v e s  l a m b s and snails, doesn’t really like salamanders 7. What element would your OC be? w a t e r 8. What is your OC’s theme song? something soft and not too upbeat 9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC? he has a very smooth and kind of feminine voice ? but its masculine enough to not misgender him,,,10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC? envy???11. What are your OC’s hobbies? painting his nails, drawing/sketching, reading comics and graphic novels, watching documentaries, and journaling!12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they? very patient and rarely hot headed, gets more agitated or annoyed 13. What is your OC’s gender / sexuality / race / species / etc.? male, gay, white human boy14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods? would Die for milkshakes he loves them so fucking much, isnt a big fan of hamburgers/beef in general 15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why? a lamb or sheep he is so infatuated with them. they are so so soooo cute 16. What does your OC smell like? strawberries and cream!17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job? heee currently works odd hours at a gas station, it’s definitely not his dream job but its not super awful… most of the time. he wants to go to art school, actually, to learn to make jewelry and to learn how to do more with his art18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? abandonment and ultimate loneliness. he’s really self conscious but he loves with all hes got and he loves so much, and so hard19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song? bubblegum pop, kpop, jpop, and some indie music!20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do? he here 21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves? he’s self conscious and in recovery for self harm/an eating disorder but he’s doing really well! its still hard but he’s pushing through… he hates having chipped nails drftugyihuo as soon as one chips, even a little, he repaints them as soon as he can22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school? he was a nerd he got straight A’s and actually enjoyed school kinda erdtfyuio but only because he loves to learn, not the actual people or atmosphere 23. What is a random fact about your OC? is really interested in astrology and loves reading his horoscope 24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living? he’s honestly trying to still figure that out but the more time he spends with his boyfriend, the more he wants to live and have a happy future with him25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them? amber made dan, dan needed a love interest, tada!26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why? daaaaaannnn, his boyfriend, nathan his best friend (+ari)  annnnnnd uh ? nobody really ??? 27. What kind of childhood did your character have? he had a pretty alright childhood, kind of lonely…28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions? plays with his ears if he’s super nervous, really fucking loves slime to stim and help him calm down- or chews on something29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose? something gay, probably 30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why? yes and yes!!! he wants to get married and have a family with dan :331. What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory? dan got into a bad bar fight once, he was having a shitty day and the guy was being an absolute douchebag asshole and tyler wasn’t there to help him or stop him and it was just… bad… once dan took him to a petting zoo to meet and pet some sheep and he cried because it was quite possibly the nicest thing anyones ever done for him and then the dumbass also set up a picnic for afterwards and he fucking bawled again stupid gay saps32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be? the funds for college esdrtf33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why? nope he is a soft crybaby 34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually? i dont LIKE this fucking q smfh35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories? he daydreams a lot, yeah, and hes almost always worried because his anxiety is an absolute bitch but hes working on it36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain? he just wants dan and to go to art school37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do? he has to say goodnight to all of his stuffed animals before bed every night sdfgfgghj38. What would your character do with a million dollars? a r t  s c h o o l39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can? strawberries, mangos, chocolate almond milk, leftover food from a restaurant he went to with dan, and some chocolate syrup. nothing, he has to keep his room clean always. nightstand has a graphic novel and book hes currently reading, a note/poem from dan with a small lamb he got him, and a bottle of peach tea. 40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with? somewhere really really fancy with dan! he’d wear a cute suit, a white one with a pastel yellow button up shirt and a black tie. wears the necklace dan got him and probably a few dainty rings that match well together/when layered 41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why? he cries. a lot. he gets really overwhelmed when he’s angry, and tends to scream or yell42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? on his arms from self harm, his hips as well… 43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said? he doesn’t like saying rude things44. How does your character react/ accept criticism? uhhh if he asks he’ll probably take what the person says into consideration but if he hasnt asked, he’ll get mad/sad 45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza? he like it46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works? he gives it to dan rdyftugyhio47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle? s e n d  h i m  t o  a r t  s c h o o l  p l e a s e48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult? err his parents were kind of absent a lot, they traveled so much for business that he was often alone, only himself for company. his mom was loving, for the most part, when she was home. she got drunk quite often, though, but that just made her more giggly and unfocused. his dad… was hard on him, kinda abusive. often ignored him, honestly, unless it came to school and ‘being a man.’ he can be very distant at times, and self isolates often… yet he’s afraid of being alone, he doesn’t want to be abandoned, so he loves the wrong people, stays with the wrong people, because it seems right. if they stay, ill be okay, even if im still crying. even if it still hurts 49. Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush? he does like candy! gets sugar rushes sometimes sdrftugyu dan finds it so fucking cute bc he’s so hyper and giggly 50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? oh please don’t stress him out like that…

Alexander: He/They - Virgo - 24 - 6′0

1. What is your OC’s favorite color? dark purple2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect? swords, dragons, and bookmarks3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to? dairy and bees4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear? what he actually has to wear differs from what he personally likes. his father is the king so because of that, he often has to wear a lot of suits/prince attire. but personally, when he doesnt have to be Prince, he likes to wear dark and comfy clothes, a lazy emo5. What is your OC’s first memory? he vaguely remembers aster being born and wanting to help his mom take care of her 6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite? dragons!!! doesnt have a least favorite??? maybe mosquitos 7. What element would your OC be? hhhhh water 8. What is your OC’s theme song? something heavy and dark9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC? he has a charming n husky kinda voice !10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC? greed or envy11. What are your OC’s hobbies? fighting, taking care of dragons, making rings, and reading historical books12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they? he’s been trained to be patient, for the most part, but when he’s passionate about something he tends to get hot-headed sometimes 13. What is your OC’s gender / sexuality / race / species / etc.? non-binary, bisexual, he’s an alien so he’s kinda pinkish… same color as aster but a little lighter 14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods? loves seafood… isn’t really into eggs 15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why? he Has his dream pet, a dragon, so he’s Good16. What does your OC smell like? woodsy and clean 17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job? he’s a prince but he works with dragons a lot!!! it’s his Dream… or to sell his rings 18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? commitment, losing his family, and sharks. he gets too lost in his head at times, distances himself from everyone. he’s physically very strong and a charming/calm guy by nature 19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song? he’s not the biggest music guy but enjoys rock/alternative/emo stuff20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do? curious about everything, goes into almost every shop he can find and tries out so many different foods…21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves? his last relationship was Bad and he’s still very much affected by it… he hates wearing socks to bed dfyguh it annoys him so much22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school? excellent, top of his class23. What is a random fact about your OC? he loves tattoos and would love to be covered in them one day 24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living? currently, his outlook is very bleak dxfyuibj he’s really sad,,,25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them? i gave aster siblings and then slowly developed him in my head!26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why? his family, specifically his siblings, anddd his ex boyfriend still haunts his almost every thought and action :/27. What kind of childhood did your character have? good!!! he and his siblings did so much stuff together dxfghjkl; i Love them28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions? twists his rings a lot or shakes his leg when he’s nervous. doesn’t stim 29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose? fuck, man, i have no fucking clue and neither does he30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why? currently, no31. What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory? his ex boyfriend tried to kill him once. he relives that memory almost everyday, and hates himself for not telling anybody about it. his siblings always know how to cheer him up, which he’s soooo grateful for. the 3 of them went to an amusement park once and just had so much fun, eating waaaay too much and going on all of the rides 32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be? happiness33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why? er probably wouldn’t but if it was his ex… he would reconsider 34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually? his dads the king, hes a prince, so he often finds himself at balls or parties and pretends to be super charming and openly available for marriage, even though he doesn’t want it and his younger brother will most likely take the throne instead35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories? he never stops living in daydreams or memories and would like it all to just. stop. let him b r e a t h e36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain? peace. he wants everything to stop, he wants his head to stop convincing him somethings wrong when hes fine and he wants his thoughts to stop wants the voices gone.37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do? he sucks skittles and starbursts for a long ass time before actually eating them…38. What would your character do with a million dollars? donate it all 39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can? nothing dfhgjk he hasn’t restocked it yet,,, probably some clothes and random books lying around. uhhh probably some alcohol, candy, and a map. crumpled up paper and wrappers in his garbage can40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with? uh probably alone and to get wasted or high,,, doesnt matter where :/41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why? self isolates and simmers in his anger, throws shit and screams because hes so mad/frustrated 42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? theres some cigarette burns on his thighs from his ex, a couple on his back and arms/legs from either fighting or his ex… there’s probably more but id have to think a lot more on his ex and stuff, which i will do eventually!43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said? towards the end of his relationship he probably said some harsh things to his ex44. How does your character react/ accept criticism? fine unless its super personal to him, then it reminds him of his ex and he cant focus on anything, he shuts down45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza? inhales it. please feed him46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works? stares at it for so long.. would probably carry it with him always dsfgjkl;47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle? he things drawing buildings is super relaxing…48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult? very loving! hes very grateful for them and how supportive they are, even if its unconventional to being next in line for the throne. they just want him happy more than anything49. Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush? he loves candy, shoves it in his mouth so fast estrytuyul he only gets sugar rushes if he binges on candy around others??? never when hes just munching on it alone50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? i cant say he’d be entirely mad at his current state… would probably say his goodbyes and then just wait, or wander around waiting 

[catsbeforelads]

I was tagged by the lovely @roslin to whom i would hereby like to apologise for doing this three hundred years after she tagged me

O N E

·        name: Ludmilla || nickname:  Lud/Loet || zodiac sign: cancer

·        height:  174cm || orientation: lesbian || ethnicity: white/caucasian

·        favourite fruit: strawberries? || favourite season: spring/summer because my depression-prone ass gets depressed when it’s cold outside

·        favourite book: oh man idk tbh I don’t read books that often anymore and i hate that abt myself but The Hours is one of my faves i guess || favourite flower: roses

·        favourite scent:  the smell of coffee before a 9am lecture || favourite animal: cats

·        coffee, tea, or hot cocoa? depends

·        average hours of sleep: 8 usually

·        cats or dogs? cats

·        favourite fictional character: I just remembered that Last Tango in Halifax exists so Caroline McKenzie-Dawson

·        dream trip: Ireland/Dublin

·        when was your blog created? July 8th 2014 apparently

·        what do you post about? (gay) things I find funny, cat/animal videos and idk just whatever pops up on my dash that I enjoy

·        do you get asks on a regular basis? I am wildly unpopular so no

·        aesthetic: honestly I never know how to answer this lmao

·        favourite band/artist? ???? i don’t knowww because I listen to songs rather than artists tbh

·        fictional character I’d date: I don’t know? all of my faves?

·        hogwarts house: ravenclaw i guess

T W O

·        Countries I’ve lived in: The Netherlands

·        Favourite fandom: Don’t have one (anymore)

·        Languages you speak: Dutch, English, a tiny bit of German

·        Favourite film of 2016: i have no idea 

·        Last article you read: sth about prices of stuff going up bc a friend tagged me on fb lmao

·        Shuffle your music library and put your first three songs here: the way you do - dope lemon // cardamom - weyes blood // i can’t go on without you - kaleo

·        Last thing you bought online: Lush tea tree water spray stuff because my skin is being a bitch and Lush promised to give me clear skin so

·        How would your friends describe you? quiet but also talkative i guess, sarcastic, ???

·        How would your enemies describe you? i think bc i don’t talk that much people assume im arrogant, also ppl probs think im weird

·        Who would you take a bullet for? my mother and grandmother and any cat

Getting increasingly personal meme

One insecurity: • lmao i have a lot of insecurities but if i had to name one……i couldnt because i have too many

Two fears: • entirely dark rooms • ending up alone

Three turn-ons: • smirks • when ppl i like subtly touch me but i hate it when ppl i dont really like or know that well do that • ????

Four life goals: • get a room in Utrecht which seems impossible lmfao • get my own cat • find my biological father and confront him with my existence lmao and also find all of my halfsiblings • have my own little place that makes me happy when i look at it

Five things I like: • cats • cooking/baking something and it turning out really well • sinterklaas/pepernoten/speculaas season • when my eyeliner is sharp enough to kill a man • hot chocolate

Six weaknesses: • procrastinating although i could also list this as a talent because damn i am good at that • not wanting to hurt people’s feelings and ending up doing stuff with people that i actually dont like that much • wanting to tell ppl everything about myself but not wanting to bore/annoy them with stories abt my life, resulting in me bottling everything up and pretending everything is fine • wanting to do too much, thinking ‘oh no that’s too much’, losing interest/energy and ending up not doing anything at all • wasting my time on tumblr instead of studying • middle aged women lmao

Seven things I love (things not people): • cats • that feeling when you just showered and washed your hair and shaved your legs and you get into a freshly made bed  • getting good grades or getting positive feedback from a teacher that normally roasts everyone lmao • pizza or just italian food in general tbh • that feeling when you watch a movie/series and theres a giant fucking plot twist or everything suddenly falls into place and ur like ‘ohhhhh shit’ • when something you ordered online is delivered • having done everything you had to do and watching a movie/series without any feelings of guilt

Tag eight people: i dont even know 8 people lmao so im just gonna tag @butterfliesandpumpkinpies and @whendoiturnbackintoapumpkin and @typewritr and also anyone who sees this and feels like doing it

[wolcenvescor-blog]

Mirror in the Stone

so here is my complete love history 25+ years, no embellishments or falsities, hopefully i have left nothing out though i dont think i shall, names are all changed.

The first love i can recall was called Snail, in the 4th grade. She was the nicest girl in the class, everyone was her friend. She had awkwardly thick glasses and a sad smile. I told her years later that she was my first crush and she said but i was so ugly. she gave me a worn-out stuffed animal for my birthday one year, the best birthday present ive ever gotten.

The second was at the beginning of 7th grade, i met a girl named Tiger. She had beautiful green eyes which she frequently thrust in my face and made me very flustered. She had a great enthusiasm for everything, almost like a desperate passion. She held my hand but withdrew quickly.

I said not to leave anything out, but what follows is a bit of a mess of connections for one reason or another.

The third was Kitty. I would remain in limerence of Kitty for a number of years, during which she and i dated and broke up with several people and in between she sent me (and i no doubt sent her) confusing signals. Kitty was a lefty guitarist who wore short skirts and mismatched argyle socks. She lived partly in dreams and i felt she thought a lot like me. We always seemed to create something when we were together. When she looked at me, i felt she really looked at me. When she was not looking at me it felt awful. I wanted more. I made a beautiful thing for her. It was lost.

in 8th grade i kissed a girl named Wolfcharm. She called me after that and I couldn’t return her affections.

similarly i dated Wasp for about a week, a large loving boy who called me “baby.”

i dated a girl named Eagledog who would rough me about and later joined the marines. i “dumped” her for my best friend, who was ALSo dating her at the time and dumped her also straight after.

I did mention i was still in limerence of Kitty?

After that i had a brief connection with a boy named Tarantula, to whom i told my dark secrets, as he told me his. I had told him i could not stop thinking about him, which was true. we brought about catharsis in each other briefly, just through the talking, and crying. he was arrested soon after that and i never saw him again.

There was a boy i dated briefly in the first year of high school called Stork, and i was too nervous and broke it off quickly.

i had a brief encounter with Duck, who i have known a long time, but while she was in limerence of me when i was a child, we did not want to pursue it either of us.

And then there was Mongoose, who i will get back to later. Mongoose and i did mushrooms together and performed an odd mating ritual that collapsed into some kind of nightmare mythology. It fell apart and I continued my limerence of Kitty, until my best friend suggested i move on from both her and Mongoose with the seemingly-sweet Marmoset.

Marmoset was actually a nightmare. He lured me in with x and fast chemicals, he was high constantly and constantly trying to get me high. I was going to move in with my friends in a city we’d decided, with money they’d saved. I was going to get any wage job i could get. Marm decided to tag along. Did nothing. After i failed to hold a job and eating nothing but potatoes, and after Marm had already gone back to his parents, imploring me to return, i moved back home.

I moved in with my best friend, who was pregnant.

it didn’t work out. it never did and i kept trying to tell her that we could not live together. during that time i worked packing SPICE, getting it all over my hands, absorbing it through my skin. it was a good thing, too, bc when an Evil Person (i will call him Jackalope) DOSED me & Mongoose with massive amounts of the horrid chemical, i probably would have died if i hadn’t had already developed a tolerance. no one believed that it was deliberate. i FELT what Jackalope was, my subconscious warned me. even, a week after he dosed us, when he got arrested for trying to kill someone with a knife, no one believed me.

i left there.

My sister, the evil Marmoset, and i moved into an apartment together. He got me a job at his parents’ work, which made good money, except when your "boy-friend” spends it on cocaine and hits you. this went on for a while, more than i thought possible. i believed it was not intentional, that it was “sleep-violence.” he convinced me of that. my dreams were always telling me to get out. my sister did not know. even when my other two sisters effectively moved into my tiny apartment with me, they did not know. it was secret violence. mind-violence. i needed to get away.

During this time, my best friend gave birth to my niece.

i was still in limerence of Kitty, and attempted to use her to get away from Marmoset. when that didn’t work, I used Moth, who was a person who showed up at my door, a friend of my sister’s, who came into my apartment as i was painting alone and listened to my problems at length. He convinced me to go with him, he said it would be ok, it would just be for a little while. I did. Moth was another nightmare, but i escaped much more quickly, emotionally, mentally, physically. he did hurt me but he helped me as well, no credit is due. anyone who would have helped me get away would have helped.

i walked to another city, just walked, Moth was there but he was silent, i was in pain for not being used to walking, but did not want to show it, Moth just kept going and going. i was grateful to have someone with me but it was not really companionship. he would often get angry with me for being “weak.”

i reached my mother’s house in the other city but she did not want me there. i got a job at a coffee stand in a grocery store where i was coworkers with Rabbit, a truly magnificent creature. She only wanted to talk about history. She was from Taiwan, and told me about Japan and China fighting over her country and people. She was twelve years older than me & was as habitual as i fear i will be in that time. i say fear because Rabbit had trapped herself, i tried to suggest she leave but it was too frightening once the loneliness had set in, she confided to me.

as i said my mother did not want me at her house. i could not go back to where i had been. i began talking to Moth on the internet, he said oh hey just come live with me. i’ll get you a plane ticket. so i took it.

on December 25, 2010, i arrived in the north alone, walked from the airport to the woods. the airport had lost my bag with my blankets in it, and i waited there a long time before they kicked me out. in the forest i fell asleep in the night under all my clothes & the 1 blanket i had from my carrying on bag. the snow fell on my sleeping body and i woke in a sort of stupor. all i was was a quest for warmth, and i don’t know how i got anywhere because it took so much effort to move. eventually i wandered toward some buildings strip and got inside an airlock. my foolishness that first night showed me how to respect the cold.

i was homeless alongside Moth in the cold cold beautiful north for a while, as he did not actually have a place to live. aside from Moth, it was the most pleasant homelessness i have ever experienced. there was always food and always coffee.

we went together to a small town where we moved in to rooms in a house with 2 beautiful cats and their lovely monkey who played guitar constantly, as well as another human who was always always always working so so so so hard (i barely saw her, but i liked her, she canned pickles, a paramedic & forest ranger both! how?).

i felt so alone however i loved the land. abundant it was, i grew so many things. tomato plants sprang unbiddinly from the ground. i visited the beautiful clear cold river almost every day. i cared for her as a servant to the water, i worked at the water treatment plant and i loved it so much. but i felt out of place. wrong. and always a constant longing that threatened to defeat me.

on May 26, 2012, i wrote in my diary so i would not forget.

but i did forget.

my mind was full of terrible illusions, of being cut off from my family, thinking they did not want me anymore. because of Moth, but i did not know that. aside from that was another feeling that had been there since before i went to the north. it was stronger there, but it was still not right. and on May 26, 2012, my mind broke apart and let other things in.

and then so close to my “psychotic break” which change lasted 1 year exactly, which i can’t attempt to explain, i attempted to suppress those feelings. on June 19, 2012, i drank 2 bottles of cough syrup and the strongest wine i could get at the corner store and jumped in the river where the current was strong. As it was june it was not cold enough, but it was cold, and very dangerous. i knew that. i got myself out when i realised it would not be a very good birthday present for my friend Mongoose.

When i returned home again, this time from the far north, Mongoose kissed me on some parking garage (he was always trying to ever since the aforementioned failed weird mating ritual) and i felt so shaken that i believed for a moment that maybe i had found that other name, that it was Mongoose all along, but he only wanted to sleep with me and forget me again. he accused me of leaving my city “for a person”-- for Moth? no. Moth had been poison for me & i had extricated myself carefully from his friendship. Mongoose did not listen to me. Our tentative one-sided romance lasted for about two weeks.

i gave him 2 letters explaining about the other name, asking if it was him. He did not reply. i felt an overwhelming sense that something was passing me by. i spent so much time at his diy music venue that he had made with three of his friends, trying to find it, trying to find it.

i lost it.

I tried to deal with the pain of that for quite some time, i worked and saved money, i lived alone.

leading up to the day sometimes i felt frozen. strange. i would do things like i always would do, but sometimes was overcome with a feeling of helpless immobility. i would lie on the floor of my apartment for hours, not moving an inch.

on May 26, 2013, i experienced a ‘psychotic break,’ or i guess the world ended. i marked the day as it having been the start of my ‘psychotic break’ but it was actually the end, having echoed into the next year on the same date. i saw my grandfather soon before this, on the anniversary of his death.

After that i met Swan. she was so beautiful and seemed to really like me. but Swan was psychotic too, or whatever that is, and i did not know this for a long time, but she was also caught in the net of a psycho-killer, Muck Leech, who tried to catch me too. It began badly, it ended badly.

i kissed my beautiful friend Deer, with whom i was not in limerence but whom i loved dearly. Deer would often come to visit me as she lived close by. We did art together but nothing ever really came of the kiss, not in that way.

my best friend moved into a house in the neighborhood east of downtown, so i started spending a lot of time there. Swan lived there too, and i found i could use her energy and went to where she lived often, to paint. I had in fact abandoned my limerence of her because she had rejected me in that way, but was still preoccupied with her well-being.

i began dating Swan’s friend Peacock, who lived there too and with whom i was not in limerence but i felt i needed to be close to. i helped Peacock with her art while suppressing my own. it was comfortable, because i was still getting accustomed to my psychosis, and Peacock, though not ideal, was at least tolerant of that.

it was then also that i met a young boy named Chinchilla, who called me an angel and did magic spells with me.

and then on October 6, 2013, the world ended again, that was the day my best friend died. i didn’t find out until 2 days later, October 8, 2013.

i was in the outskirts, living with my uncle, having been in and out of mental institutions so often it all blurred together. when i found out she had died it was on the internet. it was real and not real. i called my sister. she did not know. she could not believe it. are you sure, she said. i was on the grassy lawn. it was a beautiful day, cool, clear. the trees rained their frission on me. i called Mongoose, her other closest friend. before i had said anything coherent he hung up on me. he never talked to me about her, then or after. but what did i expect? he never talked to me about her before, either.

i went to her funeral and i saw her body. it was not hers anymore. the hair had turned from fire to dirt. how, i wondered. but i knew.

the priest went on about rainbows and how to not be like her, how to accept god and never overdose on evil drugs. he did not know her. i imagined he had a piece of paper, scribbled with her name, a few words. “rainbows.” she loved rainbows, he said. it was then i took control of his body, not knowing i was doing so, made him say “the world is a bitch and i don’t care, all i want is her to come back.” he broke into tears then. collected himself. acted as if it hadn’t happened.

Peacock and i broke up a few weeks later.

It was the next spring that i moved into a room meant for Peacock. Swan entered my life again, and we entered some kind of holding pattern. i didn’t want her to leave. But she was still in a psycho-killer’s net. i couldn’t tell, nor could i care. she was the only one who held me in my grief, and that was all i really was.

i got bitten by a dog very soon after i moved into that room. i was very grateful to my roommate at the time, whom i had just met, and instead of freaking out or insisting i go to the hospital when they saw the dog bite, they just said ok and went back to bed.

on the other side of it my other roommate at the time, Stork, cornered me in the kitchen soon after i moved in to ask me if i was ok. i had been crying about my best friend, as i did excessively. i did not want to go into it, but Stork began to lecture me about how i needed to be ok or something, although i wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying, i was watching a crane fly hop around the kitchen floor, expectantly. Stork crushed the crane fly with his shoe, not seeming to notice. i made some noises that sounded like i would work on being ok and went back to my room.

my memories of this time are extremely muddled. i did not know a hunter was looking for me, the Muck Leech, or that he had already caught my scent. Had already entered my space. read my journals. read letters for me from my best friend. drawn on my walls.  yes, all literally. all almost a year before i met him.

Before i met Muck Leech (the psycho-killer, as in killer of psychos (me)) i had a dream about him (Swan had been telling me about him, and i’d seen his picture & some of his art). In it, he was a priestess of Ungit’s temple, with a long, flaxen wig and a heavily painted, masklike face. He told me he’d read a letter from my best friend to me. (i didn’t know this was true at the time of the dream.) “Be careful of myths,” he said in the dream. “They’re true.”

When i did meet Muck Leech, he manipulated my mind, and whatever friendship Swan and i were maintaining, he broke apart, slowly, painfully. i believe my friendship with Swan could have been good bc the limerence slowly faded, and eventually i knew it was just there in the first place bc Swan is a similar thing as me, like many others i know, however her pain was very, very great and i think i was drawn to that. i wanted to help her. she had been so badly hurt.

when i lived in the room i often listened to the guitar or the drums or the bass or all three, and it almost always put me to sleep. my next-room roommate was responsible for this music, however i did not know this as their bandmates’ (Stork and Stag) egos were pretty big & kind of made me think otherwise. Not Lynx, though, Lynx just played the drums really well. i never went to their shows bc no one ever told me when one was. i loved this music, however, and knew that my city needed it. i DID take it for granted, i did not examine the feeling.

and then there was TG. I will call her… Stoat. Her mouth moved all about. I met her in a cafe, and very soon after, she sat me down with a serious air and began to lecture me about how i needed to stop chasing after Peacock. Now i tried to assure her that this was the last thing possible that i wanted. But i was so flustered by her that it didn’t come out right. she patted my arm. i loved her then.

i knew then also many new people. i was grieving my best friend and wrapped myself gratefully in the circle of friends. i often spent time with Stoat, with Swan, Stork and Stag, & Chinchilla also.

i made a large painting drawing of myself, my animal self, and another person. i do not know still who this other person is, nor do i remember painting her, only that she looks very familiar and i have felt her comforting gaze for a long time.

I felt threatened by people who would come into my room and say it “used to be theirs.” i knew it was mine as soon as i entered it, i felt it.

Swan and Chinchilla & i started a band, we played at a speakeasy every week, it was wonderful.

Well except for Muck Leech. i accepted him as one of my friends, i felt affectionate towards him even as he was working to control me.

i did not know, having had a friend like my best friend, that i would not find that easily. i did not know the dangers of seeking that from that longing, finding other things instead, or having them find me.

I took a bottle of ambien under Muck Leech’s power, i went to the hospital with my father and my uncle.

when i returned he was angry, he tried to warn me and then he tried to fight me. my friends in my house did not listen to me. he wanted to hurt me.

i had bruises on my body and face from this encounter, still no one believed me. no one wanted to believe me.

i ran away.

near the end of my time there, i wrote this.

How long will you

hold back your own?

Sell your magic, break your bones

For some great mirror in the stone?

For years and years and years i’ve roamed

Searching for the mirror in the stone.

If an accurate longing

could bring me home,

Why i’d lift the souls from the statues,

From their clasping hands, and from carpets

who can fly, or cans

of coiled snakes.

Anything it takes.

But how could someone help me

If they sound just like my mother?

No one can protect me from their brother.

You follow someone’s face like a

mirror in the stone: she’s been here

Since the earth, here to hold, or to own

Build your secrecy on her out of touch

and brightness, spill your soul

The dripping-wet oil, atone

For any losses you have known

With the simplification of ashes on ashes

Longing stone for pain of bone

Each for the other’s.

Only the most comfortable same.

More, and it’s as if the other came

To break your fingers and your hold

On some great mirror in the stone.

Stop, you cry, and try to break your body

on the quay.

To be born was once the greatest thing

But one great mother took away

That longing for some other same.

That ocean in your name.

And so that someone, mother’s self,

And you, and broken, on the shelf,

And all your mirrors in the stone.

You’ll never be alone.