#but i dont have a very long lifespan and this is one of the milestones i was really happy that i was going to get to experience

[crxptidx]

god my birthdays in a week and all of my favorite resteraunts are buffets this sucks

[thelifetimechannel]

DIRK: So you're the alien vampire that's dating my kind-of-sister. DIRK: Hi. KANAYA: Hello KANAYA: Is Sister The Familial Relation You Claim There I Wasnt Sure KANAYA: Human Relationship Topiary Is A Concept I Am Still Mastering DIRK: It's not like ours is a good case to start with. Plenty would argue I'm not using the right designation. DIRK: But fuck that, I'm gonna call Rose my sister. Transitive property of siblings, bitches. KANAYA: Does That Make You My Sibling KANAYA: How Does This Work DIRK: The funny thing is, you're not far off. DIRK: By the archaic traditions of human marriage, if you two were human-married, you'd be my sister-in-law. DIRK: Welcome to the family, congrats on snagging the one person apparently stable enough to sustain such a relationship. KANAYA: It Was Touch And Go There For A Moment KANAYA: We Have Had At Least Two Crises Today KANAYA: But Hope Springs Eternal DIRK: I'm sure you two will make each other very happy. DIRK: The ceremony will be lovely. KANAYA: Ceremony DIRK: For this. Totally hypothetical human wedding. KANAYA: Um KANAYA: Thats The Formal Dress Event In Some Human Media For Matesprits To Demonstrate Their Commitment Right DIRK: Yes. DIRK: Yes it is. KANAYA: I See KANAYA: I Think We Are A Little Young For That Although Your Well Wishes Are Appreciated KANAYA: Or Were The Ages Depicted In Such Media Inflated KANAYA: Should I Be Expecting To See You Adorned In Some Sort Of Well Tailored Suit In The Near Future KANAYA: I Could Help With That KANAYA: What Is The Timing Situation Here KANAYA: Am I Behind DIRK: What? No. Oh god no. DIRK: Take your time, you girls have as much as you need, I'm just trying to make conversation here. KANAYA: Thats A Relief KANAYA: Im Not Sure What The Standard Milestones Are For Human Courtship I Was Never Much Good At The Troll Kind Anyway DIRK: Don't sweat it. DIRK: Nothing about us is standard. KANAYA: I Really Hope None Of You Are Taking Us As Representative Of Troll Society KANAYA: Then Again A Lot Were Much Worse KANAYA: I Dont Have Much Option Besides Assuming You All Are Representative Of The Human Race But Dave And Rose Assured Me They Were In Daves Terms KANAYA: Horrible Mutants Released From A Lab KANAYA: Rose Did Not Deny This Accusation KANAYA: I Think Shes Proud Of It DIRK: Sounds like her. DIRK: And him. DIRK: And us. DIRK: I'm pretty sure mine is a textbook case of how not to raise a human child with any factor of their well-being in mind, so adjust your standards accordingly. DIRK: Turn that dial down to "low" and let simmer until thoroughly roasted. KANAYA: If We Are All Unorthodox Due To Being Terrible Lab Gremlins At Least That Sets A New Standard For Orthodoxy DIRK: All of us are anomalies and should not have been counted. This is gonna throw our standard deviations all out of whack. KANAYA: Does A Dataset Composed Of Outliers Have Any Outliers At All KANAYA: Troll Janet Norwood Would Have Difficulty Coming Up With Any Kind Of Generalizability Here DIRK: I dare say that it's useless to draw any conclusions off that dataset. KANAYA: I Know My Initial Attempts To Make Assumptions Based On My Observations Of Humans Were Off Base To Say The Least KANAYA: Despite My Many Tactical Omissions I Was Thoroughly Given The Run Around DIRK: Ah yes. DIRK: The proud family tradition of never ceasing to fuck with each other. DIRK: I think Hal's going to try and make a religion out of it. KANAYA: Oh Just What We Need Another Strange And Confusing Religion KANAYA: I Had Only Just Breathed A Sigh Of Relief After We Left The Lights Of The Dark Carnival Behind Us For Good KANAYA: Dont Tell Karkat I Said That He Might Still Be Emotional DIRK: He didn't strike me as the kind to get down with the clown. KANAYA: Hes Not But There Is Some History There KANAYA: It Seems To Me There Are Several Codes Of Belief Floating Around Here That Are Solely Devoted To Fucking With People DIRK: Never tell Hal about it, then. KANAYA: I Will Take It To My Grave DIRK: The secret dies with you. KANAYA: In Which Case It Might Have A Very Long Lifespan Indeed KANAYA: But I Am Good At Keeping Quiet About These Things KANAYA: Maybe Too Good At That Actually DIRK: Can you handle it? DIRK: The pressure of knowing you are the last one alive to know the true fear of a clown horn? KANAYA: Terezi Also Bears That Burden KANAYA: Together We Will Create Educational Pamphlets For Our New Race Or Maybe Emergency Bulletins KANAYA: Knowledge Is The Best Defense DIRK: "Clowns are the enemy". DIRK: I wonder if that was somehow engrained into the DNA of the human race or if it's mostly just the fault of Stephen King and his spider-clown monster and sewer orgy. KANAYA: Well We Did Make Your Species And We Were Aware Of Subjuggulators At The Time KANAYA: Youre Welcome For Having That Coded Into Your Species DIRK: I'm sure severe coulrophobics the world over would thank you if they weren't all long dead. KANAYA: If Possible I Will Try To Cultivate Something Better This Time Around