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subtletruamadumping · 1 year

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Working Title: Never Alone (Part 1)

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Not sure if this will turn into a full novel or a novella or if I'll just stop adding to this or what it will become. An allegory, if you want to read it that way. A woman learns to live and overcome a demon possession, starting with it constantly affecting and ruining her life to taking control over such a horrible trauma.

Written on September 1,st 2023

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Go on. Tell her. Mama blinks at me over her coffee cup. You know as well as I do what she'll say. It's your fault. she won't have any sympathy for you. you got yourself into this, she can't tell you out. you're on your own.

“You just seem so down lately.” mama says with a shrug “ is it because you haven't been going to church as often? you know, you need to get your relationship with God right before you can accomplish anything in life.”

God. The sneering tone makes me want to wince but I control myself. If only she knew. she would be so disappointed in you. she probably already is. just think about what she will think of you. tell her. I dare you. tell her about all your sins. tell her how you've ruined yourself, how the sweet innocent little girl she used to know died and has been replaced by this terrible monster. go on and tell her so she can disown you now while she's still in good health. ruin another relationship. it's what you're best at. do it.

“Yeah, I've just… I've just been going through a lot.” I return the shrug.

“ Everyone's going through a lot.” mama rolls her eyes “ you don't get special excuses and your life isn't any harder than anybody else's. Buck up. move on.” The words cause a familiar stinging in my chest.

Move on? I mean, you can certainly try, but I'm never leaving you. you're mine forever.

“I'm sure I will eventually, mama. I think I just need time.”

Time? take all the time you want but I will always be here with you. you'll never truly recover. I'll make sure of it. I will never leave you alone.

“We've all given you plenty of time to get your shit together. you just keep coming up with excuse after excuse. I've gotten so lazy and careless. your head is always in the clouds, just drifting along without thinking about anybody but yourself. Are you on drugs?”

“ what?”

“ Are you high? Drunk?”

“ What are you talking about? No.”

“ I've never seen you behave this way. I've never seen you act this selfish.”

So selfish. always thinking of yourself. a constant pity party. She echoes Mama's voice.

“I'm sorry. I've been trying to be better about it.” My words are coming out fast and I can hear my tone starting to rise and pitch. things are going badly. I try to push that little voice further back into the recesses of my mind. This constant struggle for power inside of myself has become standard practice. I don't want to listen to her right now. I don't want to listen to her ever, but I can't control her and sometimes I don't have the energy to even try.

“ I really hope you are trying, because it doesn't look like it from the outside. it's not fair to me, or your brothers, or your grandparents, or the other people around you who have wasted so much time and energy caring for you for them to just be treated like this. you can't keep ducking everyone's calls, canceling plans last minute, ignoring the people you owe the world. you know better. you really need to give your grandma a call when you can.”

“ I'll try.”

She can probably hear it in your voice. Everyone can. everyone you know would be able to tell immediately. they would know there's something wrong with you.

“Can't you do more than try?”

You can't. you know you can't. you're completely useless. so weak. you're self-absorbed, trying to make your problems everyone else's. I want to tell her to shut up, to try and argue with her. I can't do it in front of mama, though. not that it even works when I'm alone. my hands clenched into fists as I try to keep straight whose thoughts are whose in my head.

“ Anyway, I'm glad you finally broke up with that guy you were with.” Mama says it so flippantly while my stomach starts doing somersaults and the voice in my head cackles with glee.

Tell her. tell her. tell her.

“Yeah.” That's all I can manage to say.

“ I never liked him. I told you so many times he was a low-life.”

Mother always knows best. she even warns you and you still get yourself into this. It's your fault.

“You should have listened to me from the beginning.”

You should have listened to her. you're basically asking for it. you knew better.

“I just pray to God that you won't be running back to him like–”

“ I won't.” I cut in so fast that Mama raises her eyebrows at me. There's a brief moment of silence, but I can hear the terrible presence bouncing around in my head with joy, basking in the awkwardness. we stare at each other for a little longer and I'm starting to feel sick. my stomach is in knots. my head is buzzing from her excitement. my Palms are sweating. I'm not in control of my breathing. It's happening again.

I have to get out of here.

I have to get out of here now.

I'm losing this fight.

“ I need to go.” I managed to form complete sentences for now, but I know it won't last very long “ I've got… work tomorrow. I need to do laundry and… stuff.”

“ sure.” Mama's voice is stiff and cold. it's the voice she uses whenever she feels like she's been disrespected.

“ I'll call you later.”

I'll call you later. The Voice mocks me you know you won't, you lying bitch.

“Okay.” Mama knows it too. I stumbled to my feet, doing my best to hide the fact that my chest is starting to heave. I know I hurt her feelings, but I can't process it right now. I can't think much at all. I'm losing grip and she's taking over. I'm coming in and out, blacking out for a few seconds at a time. I'm standing next to the chair, then suddenly in the hall, then at the door. The handle is so cold. old brass. it stings my fingers. that briefly helps bring me back. touching it gives me a small moment of clarity, enough to say bye to Mama before leaving the house.

She's stronger than I am, though.

The little grip on reality I had gets yanked away before I even make it to my car. tears are streaming down my face. tears I thought I had fought back. I can feel it. I can feel it happening again. my heart is pounding. I'm going to have a heart attack. I'm going to be sick. to pass out. Something.

my body slams into the car as my legs give out while trying to unlock the door. my entire body is shaking, unable to hold up my own weight. my breathing is loud and violent. It's like I just ran a marathon. spasms and convulsions take over my body and loud, hiccuping sobs Echo through the quiet Street. such an embarrassment. I pray to God that nobody's looking at me. My hands are shaking so bad I drop the keys. she gives an annoyed shout, but it comes out of my own mouth. If nobody was looking before, they would be now. looking over curiously at the girl having a fit next to her car.

my body drops to its knees. it hurts, but I know she doesn't care. I'm almost applying for the tears, so if you're around for the keys on the ground. my whole body is going numb. I can't feel the dirt that's getting shoved underneath my fingernails as I scratch around like an animal. I don't even remember finding the keys. I don't remember slipping into the driver's seat. The sound of the door slamming clothes settles me enough that I'm vaguely aware of sitting in the driveway, hands clenched so tightly around the steering wheel I'm sure I could break it in half. She's almost completely in control, now. It takes all of my strength to fight her for the use of my own hands, but I managed to tear them away from the wheel. I can't drive like this. she can't be in control while driving. I don't know what she'll do. I don't know if I would be safe, if anyone else will be safe.

I cover my face with my hands, I scream that had been hiding in my throat forcing its way out. it's so violent, so horrible. it's like she's trying to escape, even though we're both stuck in this body together. The Familiar pain in my scalp as she tears at my hair. hyperventilating breasts, waterfalls of tears, my Fists pounding on the door, the steering wheel, myself, anything within sight. It's over. I've lost. Even if I keep fighting, it won't help. My head is swimming. it doesn't take too much longer before I'm gone.

I'm not myself again until I'm at my own apartment, having been laying on the floor for who knows how long. I link up with the ceiling, a pounding headache from the most recent possession. Coming back to Consciousness is always so strange. It's like waking up from having been dead. I'm tired and sore, face soaked from tears and sweat. my throat is raw from screaming. no one had ever cared when I had screamed before, so no doubt they didn't care now. I'm slowly coming back to reality, coming out from having been trapped in my own head. my fingers softly brush against the carpet, helping to pull me back into my own body. some crumbs jump to and fro as my hands disturb where they had fallen. I should vacuum. I need to. I know I do. I'm just so tired. I can't even think. What do I do? I don't want to ever move again. I just want to sink down into the carpet for forever. I want to dissolve into nothing and I have this finally be over with for good. It stings to breathe.

Water.

a roll around to my side. Even this simple task is exhausting. so, I take a moment. I lay there, trying to bring up the energy to do more than just exist. I can see underneath the TV stand from here. hair ties, bottle caps, lots of paper. little things lost, but too insignificant to be cared about.

Sounds familiar.

I close my eyes inside deeply. Even after her rampage, she still finds the energy to torment me. I still closed, I push myself onto my hands and knees. her turn is over. It's my turn. I get dizzy and have to pause for another moment. my head is pounding. I'm finally able to sit back on my heels and take my Palms into my eyes and so I'm seeing Stars in an effort to ease the tension in my brain. it doesn't really work, but I like the darkness. I blink my eyes open, forcing them to readjust to my surroundings.

my apartment.

Our apartment.

“My Apartment.” I try to speak forcefully, my throat doesn't allow for that. it's just a pained whisper.

You keep telling yourself that.

I shake my head, a physical reminder to try to keep her obey. I Rise to my feet slowly, shuffling over to the switch by the front door. I slept the lights off so that only the Setting Sun is Illuminating the room. The darkness is a little bit better for my headache. What was I doing?

water. That's right.

The heaviness has been sitting inside of me since it happened makes it feel like I'm waiting through cement as I make my way to the kitchen. It's attached to the living room. open floor plan. It seemed so fancy at the time, not least of all because the realtor kept telling me it was. I was so easily influenced by what she had to say. so easy to convince that the things that I wanted were actually what I wanted and the things I didn't were what I did. She talked so confidently and fast, making me second guess and doubt myself until I was utterly confused and she was in control. I thought I hadn't cared about being fancy. I thought I never would want to host parties. she had somehow convinced me that I had and that this kind of floor plan, this apartment would be perfect for that. perfect for what I wanted. because that's what I wanted… right? I can't believe I cared at all about that. about how to lay out of an apartment would make others view me. about how the walls were arranged would affect the “energy” of the space. about how important it was for other people to think it was fancy or not depending on if they could see me in the kitchen from the couch in the living room.

so stupid.

Frivolous.

Pointless.

Idiotic.

Petty.

Childish.

I shake my head again. she just had control for hours. I don't want her to have it freely. I'm not just going to give it up to her. Yes, I was stupid. I was naive. I was…

Childish.

“Innocent.” I'm armor. I feel the heat on my cheeks. a sign that More Tears are on the way. I quickly run my hands over my face, push my hair to my eyes, and open the dishwasher. I snatch one of the cups and throw on the faucet. I have to push it over to an area of the sink where the dishes aren't stacked up past the basin. otherwise, my hand wouldn't fit to fill the glass. I've been neglecting the dishes.

Everything is so much louder after an episode and I close my eyes to mitigate the pain pushing against my skull. The torrent of water stabs at my ears from the outside and it feels like she's on the inside beating my brain around with a baseball bat. I stand there with my glass under the stream of water, trying to clear my thoughts. I know I can't keep letting her just take control whenever she wants. I know I need to come back to this, to stop her from completely taking me over.

You think you have a choice? We've been over this before. I own you.

“Go away.” I breathe, truly wishing with all my heart that my words will have some kind of effect on her “ I don't want you here. leave me alone.”

That's very cute. there was no humor in her voice. you can try again in a few weeks like you always do, but it won't work.

“Go away.”

it'll never work.

“ you're not welcome here.”

I don't care.

“ you have no power–”

I have all the power.

My eyes fly open and I'm startled by the sudden feeling of cold in my hand. my cup is overflowing and I jump to slam the tap off as the water splashes everywhere. more so as I pull the glass closer to me. a few drops even slide against the floor as I bring it to my mouth. it feels amazing against my correct lips, dry throat, swollen tongue. I swallow gulp after gulp until I finally have to come up for air. I set the glass down on the counter to wipe my drenched hand on my shirt.

You can't even control your body, but still have the nerve to be upset when I take it?

I tried to ignore her. I know she's just trying to get a rise out of me. I know she wants me to waste all of my energy fighting with her now so she can force me out easier later. I can't let her keep getting away with the same tricks over and over again.

And yet you fall for it every time.

“ not this time.”

you say that every time.

I sent you the glass again. water should help, right? doesn't water help with pretty much everything? I feel like I hear that all the time. just drink some water, it'll be okay. there isn't that much water left in the glass, so I top it off before draining it. I don't know if it's actually the water or she's just too tired from her turn at the wheel, but I'm feeling much more present. more aware of my surroundings. like I'm waking up a little more. I look around the kitchen.

I should do the dishes.

When was the last time I did them?

I also need to do laundry.

and vacuum the living room.

and clean the bathroom.

and take out the trash.

You're disgusting.

I have another sigh, a little more quietly this time. I roll up my sleeves and push the faucet out of the way. I can at least wash some of the pots and pans to get them out of the way. Besides, I need them to cook. well, if I ever have the energy to cook, again. I start sorting through the pile, brain slowly making choices about what should be washed now versus what might be able to wait a little longer.

I'm learning to live with it.

with her.

or maybe I'm just getting used to it. or is that the same thing? months ago, right after it happened, I didn't think I was ever going to be able to recover. I still haven't, but it was so much worse. I thought she would take over forever, stealing Myself Away from me and never getting the chance to be myself again. the fear of not being in control of myself, of someone, something inside me that was controlling me… I don't know how I survived. I barely did. I had caught glimpses of her, felt her lurking in the background long before she actually ever became attached to me. I had tricked myself into believing that it could never happen to me. I let my guard down. I thought I was safe.

The first ever time she had truly possessed me lasted for days. she did her best to destroy me, clawing out from inside me to wreck my body, my mind, myself. there's nothing I could do to stop her. I was missing from work for weeks. I spoke to no one. I couldn't move, eat, sleep. she wouldn't let me. I laid in bed in pain, unable to fight back against her at all. The apartment had been overrun with bugs, my muscles were weak from barely eating, my thoughts were scattered from her tearing them apart.

I'm surprised she didn't kill me.

I know she wanted to.

I'll probably never know how

or why

but I survived.

and now, I have to live with her. I can't get rid of her. She is taking root too deep within me, claiming me as her final resting place. She says it all the time. She owns me. I'm not strong enough to take myself back, but she's not strong enough to take me forever. at least, she hasn't been. I did survive. Somehow. I am surviving. Even if just barely. it's still something. I know it pisses her off.

I tried to take a mental snapshot of this. this brief feeling that I can get a handle on it, like I can face all the pain and be all right. I want to save this so when it happens again, because it always happens again, I can think back to this and try and work through it. It's a cycle, and I just need to remember that even when it gets so, so bad, It won't be that way forever. it can't be. she's not strong enough. In fact, maybe she's getting weaker. or maybe I'm getting stronger? I'm unsure, but every time she forces me out she spends less time in the body and I recover faster. Time Heals all wounds, right? Maybe it can help to heal the demon inside me, too. she can't have power over me forever.

I can.

She can't.

I will.

You won't.

I will always be with you.

No.

Always.

#my writing #writers on tumblr #writing #spilled thoughts #horror

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jk9bangtan · 4 years

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ƬΉΣ ΉΛƬΣ YӨЦ GΛVΣ -3-

Series: (✎) On going

Genre: ♔ Smut / ♤Romance / ♘ Angst

Warnings: lots and lots of angst, Jungkook hurting y/n, a lot of hurtful feelings, disappointment, angry Jungkook, Jungkook Jealous, mention of pregnancy, a little bit of smut, swearing.

Author’s note: I have cried a lot while writing this chapter 😭 hope you guys aren’t as sensitive as I am 💔

Teaser: “I don’t love you. I don’t. All of this was planed. He told me that he will give me money if I gave you to him in our wedding night and that’s why I married you. I love money I don’t love you”

Word Count: 1651

Exclaimer: This ff has nothing to do with real life events. Everything in this ff is from my imagination. The characters are not real (well, Jungkook is real but he doesn’t act this way in real life... you inow what I mean)

Parts: part1, part2, part3, part4, part5,…..??

Taglist: @jiminiepabo95 @giadalin

Part 3

Title: Divorce

Jungkook's P.O.V

They say getting drunk is the best thing to do when you feel the world is no longer a good place for you. It helps you forget everything, especially the things that hurts you so bad. However, it is not the case with me. I have been siting here in the kitchen for hours drinking. But Its not helping at all. It is making it even worser.

Her face, her voice, her scent.... Every small trace of her features are stuck in mind even after drinking seven bottles of this useless drink.

"Maybe because I am used to it. I need even larger quantities of these alcoholic drinks to get drunk. I should of listened to her when she told me to stop drinking a lot." I said smiling at the memory of her caring about me. She used to hate my drinking habit.

How can things change this fast. How can everything vanish in a blink of an eye. How can she be pregnant with another man's child. How can she be this way. How can I be this way.

Jk: "She was sooo good for me. I don't deserve good things. I don't deserve her. I gave her for money. I-i ...... Sold her for money." I didn't know i was crying until I saw tears falling of my cheeks. "Why am I even crying. Wasn't me the one who wanted money instead of her." I said quickly wiping my tears away.

"It is all because of you. I hate you. I have never thought you will have a big affect on my life. Why won't you leave me alone even after vanishing out of this world"

Flash back

???: "Where is the money?! How dare you come back with few dollars only. Didn't I tell you to not comeback home until you bring 50 bucks a day?!" He yelled as he harshly grabbed the young kid from his shoulders.

Jk: "I'm sorry. I am really sorry. No one wanted to buy anything from the water bottles and the gums I am selling. Only few people bought them." Jungkook answered. His voice trembling. His hands and legs won't stop shaking. His words were coming out as whimpers due to the harsh grip on his meager shoulders.

???: " I don't care!! 50 bucks means 50 bucks. or I swear I won't let you sleep in this house anymore" the man threatened as he pushed him harshly towards the wall. the young Jungkook's body ended up being slammed on the wall so hard that the old wooden door of the cheap dresser opened making a creaking sound.

???: "Now go!! and make sure to don't come back here until you bring money. you need to learn how to live independently I am not staying with you forever. Your mom was like that as well but thanks god she is gone now. But still she left a stupid kid like you for me to deal with." The man said walking his way to the door. he grabbed the handle of it but stopped in mid way due to hearing the younger speaking.

Jk: " It's cold outside I need something to cover myself with. Can I borrow your jacket please or can I maybe go outside tomorrow morning it almost 11:00 pm dad. It's night." he begged as he hugged himself. he was freezing from the cold. him being inside doesn't help at all. The room that he was in wasn't considered a real room. It was a huge shop, which used to be an auto repair shop. There wasn't even something to sit on. How could a father do this to his child. How can't he take care and look after one kid.

It is true that Jungkook said it's cold outside and that's why he doesn't want to go there but in reality he is scared. He is not scared from real things like murdering, killing, being kidnapped. He is still scared of ghosts and monsters. Which is a proof that shows he is still a child and he still thinks about unreal things that every child fears of.

Jk's father: "What did you say softy?? is it that cold to you my baby," he smirked as he moved his way towards his child. Jungkook knew what will happen to him but he didn't move. He hoped that after he is done with him he will leave him there. He won't let him go outside anymore. But little did he know, there is no escape. The old man grabbed the jungkook from his neck, strangling him as he lift his body of the ground. He tighten his grip on his neck. Jungkook's eyes were wide open. He tried to take a breaths but he couldn't. "You are a nobody. I just want you to be gone from my life, I can kill you right now and right here. But unfortunately I still need you. I need money. The only reason why you are still alive is because I need money and you are the only way I could have money without even working." he harshly yelled as he finally loosened his grip on the kid's neck letting his body slam hard to the ground.

Jk's father: "Do you still want to stay here??!! No??!! Good boy." he blurted out as he grabbed Jungkook from his wrist and harshly threw him outside. Closing the door afterwards without even giving a final glance towards his 9 years old son.

End of flashback

"why......why.....why" Jungkook kept repeating the same word on and on. A simple "why" that asks millions of questions. "Why did you do this to me? Why didn't you love me? Why did you treat me as if I am nothing to you? Why did your actions affect me?" Jungkook kept going on and on with his questions. The veins in his arms popped out as his muscles tensed. He started yelling every word that came out of his mouth.

Jk: "Why am I doing what you have done? Why am I like you?! Why! Why!" He yelled as his grip tightening instinctively around the wine glass causing it to broke into peaces. Blood came rushing down his hands and dripped on the floor. His grip didn't loosen one bit, it instead got tighter and tighter.

A loud knock on the door took him out of his states. He didn't budge, only his gaze moved towards the front door. He shifted a little bit on his seat as he laid his head on the kitchen counter closing his eyes afterwards.

He took a deep breath waiting for the person to stop knocking on the door. A growl escaped his mouth when he heard the voice of the person who've been knocking on the door for more than two minutes. But he quickly stood up and walked towards the front door opening it wide. His gaze quickly roamed around not letting it stop on the man standing in front of him. He thought she came back. But she was no where to be seen.

Jk: "Where is she?!" He asked finally looking at the old man in front of him.

Mr.Kim: "We need to talk." The old man nonchalantly said ignoring JungKook's question.

Jungkook moved away letting the old man enter. Both of them walked inside the living room. Mr. Kim took a seat on one of the couches as he unlocked his phone.

"It's 10:33 pm Y/N will be waiting for me so lets talk fast." The old man said making Jungkook ball his hands into fists. His gaze moved towards Mr. Kim's phone making his whole body tense up at the view in front of him. Jungkook closed his eyes tight. *He dares to have her photo as his lock screen* he said to himself opening his eyes again.

Jk: "Where is she?!" Jungkook once again asked as he stood in front of the couch Mr.Kim sat on.

Mr. Kim: "You think she will come back after what you did to her?! She said she doesn't want to see you face. Who even gave you the permission to touch her you bastard." He said glaring at Jungkook. Jungkook's chest felt heavy hearing that she doesn't want to see him.

Jk: "It's none if your business. She is my wife. I can touch her whenever I want too" Jungkook's eyes sharp on him challenging him to say the opposite.

Mr. Kim: "But not for too long" he replayed a malignant smirk on his face.

Jungkook: "What do you mean?!" He asked confused.

Mr.Kim: "I am sure she told you that she is pregnant with MY child" he said, a smirk still on his face. Jungkook's heart sunk at the mention of his wife caring someone else's child. "You have one week to divorce her. I want to marry her sooner than later. I want her and our child to have my name. Kim y/n not Jeon y/n" he continued standing up.

Mr. Kim: "Tell me whenever you set a day for the divorce. And one more thing tomorrow is your first day at work because today is obviously the last day of your vacation that was supposed to be for your honeymoon. So be ready for a big surprise tomorrow. I can't wait to see your reaction." He laughed walking pass Jungkook and out if the house.

Jungkook was standing still. The idea of her not wanting to see him and wanting to get a divorce made him go insane. His breaths were unsteady. He suddenly fall on his knees and crawled towards the couch. As soon as his back touched the couch he brought his knees towards his chest hugging them with his arms. He buried his face between his knees as he kept repeating, "I won't divorce her, I want divorce her..............."

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