#but i don't know how to put myself into a headspace that's ready to take a breath and sit with the world around me

[tinylilacbun]

Leverage

Summary: Rafe owes Barry a lot of money and the pogue is done with waiting, so he takes the only thing that gets the Cameron boy moving.

Pairing: daddy!rafe x little!reader, barry x little!reader

Warnings: age regression, dark themes, kidnapping, drugging, swearing, happy ending, set in season 1, word count: 1,4k

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You hum to the current song that's playing from your phone as you apply body lotion onto your skin, having just finished taking a bath and getting ready for the day.

Rafe is already out and about. He did ask if you wanted to come with him but you rather wanted to sleep in.

After you finish spreading the lotion everywhere you put on your clothes, a plaid skirt and pastel colored shirt to match and fits your headspace as you start to feel like regressing, fixing your hair a little before grabbing your phone and leaving the bathroom.

You make your way downstairs to eat some breakfast, ascend the stairs and walk past the entrance hallway, stopping in your tracks when you see the front door slightly open.

"Sarah? Wheezie?" You call out, getting no response as the house is completely empty, or so you thought.

Before you could take another step, a hand clamps over your mouth, muffling your screams as you trash in the intruder's arms, breathing heavily and suddenly starting to feel dizzy as you inhale a rather sweet scent.

"You can thank Rafe for this, sugar." You hear a familiar voice whisper in your ear just as your vision turns black.

When your eyes finally flutter open again you groan softly, sitting up on the creaky mattress as you try to get your bearings, lifting your hands only to find them tied together with rope that's tightly looped around the bedframe and tug on it.

You frown, your fuzzy brain getting a little more clear as you look around the room you're in, taking how messy it is and the smell of weed and other stuff you don't even figure out lingering in the air.

Your body jolts when you hear footsteps approaching the room, pulling your knees up and tense as the door unlocks and opens with a creak.

There stands Barry, with a cigarette between his lips and a twisted smile forming on his face. You barely know him, he's Rafe's dealer and that's about it.

Well, you only know his name, that hes a pogue, and now partly dangerous.

"G'morning there, pretty girl." He drawls, stepping into the room and beside the bed.

You instinctively scoot as far as your bound wrists let you, your lip trembling as the fear creeps up about not knowing what he's gonna do or why you're here in the first place.

"Easy. M'not gonna hurt you, I mean, unless you decide to be difficult." He chuckles, reaching out to pat your head in a patronizing way before taking a drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke in your direction. "Sorry that I had to drag you into this shit but your loverboy messed up bad this time, and I ain't gonna let myself be fucked around with."

"R-Rafe? What did he do?" You ask shakily, and hoping for your life that he's already on his way to get you because you can feel yourself panicking and regressing because of this whole situation.

"You see, he owes me 20 grand and has been late on paying it back. I'm done waiting and to get his ass moving, I have to motivate him a little, and what better way is there than you, his sweet girl." He explains, dubbing his cigarette out in an ashtray on the nightstand.

He pulls out your phone, looking back at you expectantly. "Code?" You keep your mouth shut, which seems to be a mistake when he narrows his eyes, leaning closer to your face. "Listen, either you tell me willingly or I'll force it out of you."

"2406..." You mutter out. it's the date you and Rafe got together.

"There, good choice." He murmurs, getting into your contact list and looking for Rafe's number, lifting the phone to his ear after hitting the call button.

"Baby? Where are you? I thought-" Rafe starts when Barry cuts him off.

"Country club, haven't heard from you in a while." Barry greets him enthusiastically. "A'ight, let's get this straight. I got your girl here and if you want her back in one piece you get me my money. I'll give you 24 hours."

"Barry, I swear if you touch a single hair on her head I'll-" Rafe is about to threaten him.

"You're not really in the position for making any threats, y'know?" Barry teases him.

"Let me talk to her." Rafe demands and Barry holds the phone to your ear with a smirk.

"R-Rafey?" You speak with a tremble in your voice, feeling tears building up in your eyes.

"Baby, are you okay? I'll be there soon, yeah? Just, stay calm and don't do anything. Daddy's gonna handle this, you hear me? I promise." He assures you and you nod even though he can't see you, starting to sniffle.

Barry lifts the phone back to his ear. "20k. 24 hours. And don't you dare pulling any shit, got it?" He warns him before ending the call, tossing your phone out of your reach. "Hungry or thirsty? Don't look at me like that. I may be a criminal but I'm no monster, sugar."

It's been awhile since you woke up. You have been fed and hydrated throughout the whole time, anxiously waiting for Rafe to arrive and save you.

You can't even get yourself to be mad at him for getting you into this whole mess, you just want to be held by him more than anything right now.

You're pulled out of your thoughts when Barry comes into the room again, walking over to you and untangles the rope from the bedframe but keeps your wrists still tied.

He grabs your arm and you yelp in surprise as he yanks you up to stand, pulling you with him while you stumble to try and keep up with him.

As you're dragged into another room relief washes over you when you see Rafe pacing restlessly, holding a black bag tightly in his hand, stopping in his tracks as his eyes lock with yours.

He instinctively attempts to take a step towards you but stops again when Barry pulls out his gun, pressing it to your side. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, you know better. Money first."

Rafe scowls but tosses the open bag onto the coffee table, the many bundled stacks of money visible as he holds his hand out. "Now let her go."

Barry nods, tilting his head a little to glance at you . "I'll miss your company." He breathes into your ear before he lets you go, tucking his gun into the waistband of his pants, looking back at Rafe. "Don't run off, gotta count it first."

Without hesitation you crash into Rafe's body, holding onto his shirt with all your might as you start to cry into his chest, all the while Barry sits down on his worn out couch and starts to count the money.

Rafe hurriedly unties your wrists, rubbing his thumb carefully over the slight rope burns, his chest feeling tight at your quiet whimper and wraps his arms tightly around you.

You instantly wrap your arms around him, gripping onto the back of his shirt.

"Shh, it's okay now, I got you..." He shushes you, his one hand holding the back of your head, pressing a reassuring kiss to your temple. "I'm sorry."

A few minutes later you hear Barry whistle, turning your head a little to face him as Rafe tightens his hold on you, afraid to let you go. "You're good to go, country club. See this as a warning as to what happens the next you think to fuck with me."

Not even answering, Rafe simply picks you up bridal style and leaves the trailer with you clinging to him desperately, making his way to his truck.

"I really didn't mean for this to happen, y'know that, right?" He asks as he keeps walking, feeling you nod against him.

"I knows...s'okay." You hiccup, nuzzling your face in his neck to inhale his cologne. "Was really scared, daddy."

"I know, I know. Daddy makes sure to never ever let this happen again, yeah?" He promises, setting you down in the passenger seat and buckling your seat belt, reaching up to wipe some of your tears away. "I love you, more than anything."

You give him a smile, leaning into his touch. "Luv you more..."

He leans closer to peck your lips before shutting the car door, walking over to the driver's side and hopping in.

Quickly turning on the engine he drives away from Barry's trailer, placing his hand on top of your thigh in a protective and reassuring way, occasionally squeezing or rubbing your soft skin.

[lettersiarrange]

Recently I've been feeling like the seasons are slipping through my fingers.

Back when I was really struggling with my mental health, I tried to get intentional about celebrating change, the seasons, festive traditions, small moments of joy. But it all felt so hollow. I'd sit underneath a ruby red tree and listen to the wind rustle the autumn leaves and think I should be enjoying this. I'd bake Christmas cookies and tell myself this should make me happy. But it always just felt like going through the motions. Useless and performative.

And then I got diagnosed and medicated and cherry blossoms were a revalation. The warm sunshine of summer was a wonder. The barren winter stillness was poetry. Isn't it incredible how the world is constantly changing around us? And yet it repeats itself so we have the opportunity to experience it again.

But I didn't bake any Christmas cookies this year. I only saw the fall leaves in passing. I may have marveled at the beauty of a pink sunset kissing untouched fields of snow, but I never took the time to feel the cold air in my lungs and sit with the quiet of the twilight.

Is this what being an adult is like? Racing from one month to the next? Wanting and intending to cherish every mundane magical moment--just right after this-- only to look up and find they've passed you by?

I know I can still bake Christmas cookies in February. But it's not quite the same, is it?

[flanaganfilm]

I tend to get obsessed with scenes where actors have a particularly outstanding performance. I find myself revisiting them over and over again just to relive the moment. Several examples of this, but one that I just love is in Midnight Mass when Kate and Zach are on the rowboat. What's it like experiencing that live, during production? Are you aware in the moment of how special it is or does that become more evident in post? Love to hear any and all details behind the scenes of how those get made. Also curious what scenes from your favorite movies/TV standout as particularly compelling performances by the actors.

This scene is a strange one, because it was the first thing we shot of the whole series. We had been shut down since March 2020 when the initial COVID lockdown hit, and were the first show in North America to go back into production that summer. We didn't know how to do that, and were juggling constantly evolving safety protocols as we tried to figure out how to shoot in this new world. Because a lot of our sets weren't ready to shoot when we came back, we opted to start easy - on our stages, with blue screen work. The boat scene is shot entirely on blue screen, we didn't even have water - the boat was gently rocked back and forth by grips. Kate and Zach were asked to do this huge, heavy, insanely difficult and emotional scene ON OUR FIRST DAY. I had asked them a few weeks prior if they'd be okay with that, as I was worried - they hadn't built their characters yet. They hadn't put a single scene down to draw from. But both said they'd do it, and so we threw them into the deep end.

(That's DP Michael Fimognari in the boat, trying to adjust lighting through his goggles) It was a VERY weird day. We were all wearing KN95 masks and goggles, the actors had to wear full masks and face shields when we weren't rolling. It was absolutely surreal and just about impossible for anyone to get into any headspace that felt like we were doing scene work. I had been fitted with modified motorcycle goggles, as I needed eye protection to be near the actors (it was all more than a bit ridiculous.) There was a ladder on set - you can see it behind Michael in the picture above - and I started the day by climbing it to address the cast and crew. About ten words into my speech, my goggles completely fogged up and I couldn't see anymore. I had to be helped down the ladder by several grips. I remember the first rehearsal was insane because the actors weren't allowed to take off their masks, per Netflix safety protocols. I was also required to wear my mask and goggles throughout, so giving direction to actors who couldn't see my face was a brand new and deeply strange thing (I'd continue to work this way for the next two years, we all got used to it, but this first day was fucking WEIRD). Kate and Zach couldn't even really hear each other through the masks to rehearse, as it was such a quiet and intimate scene. I was standing a few feet away and couldn't hear a damn thing. It was additionally weird because all of the elements of the scene outside of the boat wouldn't be added for many, many months as we got into VFX. There was no water, no stars, nothing at all to look at but hanging blue curtains and masked crew members. I don't know how Kate and Zach were able to put all of that aside and deliver the performances they delivered - oh wait, I suppose I do know. It's because they are exceptional actors. Kate later told me she was so outside of her comfort zone that she had to just dive in and trust every single thing around her. The scenes in the boat ultimately came together beautifully, but I did apologize to both of them later in the shoot. It wasn't fair that we asked them to do that, to start like that, without letting them build any foundation. But both waved it off. Production is chaos, and that particular production was the very first out the gate with COVID, so everything was crazy. They took all of that vulnerability and uncertainty and discomfort and fear and turned it into a handful of scenes that roar with honesty. It's among my favorite moments in what may always be my favorite Intrepid series.

[yuri-is-online]

Hi Yuri! I hope you are doing well<333 I really enjoy reading your writing and I am always more fond of reading the little octatrio fish gang! I dont really know how this usually works because I never send in any asks at all nor do I see your rules list or anything but if you dont mind I would like to make a request<3

A mc who finds an out of tune and old piano and fondly remembers that they used to play piano back in their world. And perhaps Azul hears in on this and despite the piano being old and out of tune, it is rather beautiful how you play it because of how imperfect the notes are being played out. (SORRY I WAS LISTENING TO FALLEN DOWN AND THE FEELINGS WERE JUST SURGING AND THE BRAINROT WAS TOO MUCH)

You dont have to force yourself or anything! Please take care and dont feel too pressured! <3

The Most Romantic of All Arts (Azul Ashengrotto x Yuu)

Hello dear friend and I am doing quite well thank you! I'm pleased you like my writing; the octotrio is what finally cracked my resolve to check out Twisted Wonderland and put FGO on the back burner so I suppose I shouldn't beat myself up too much for writing about them so much. I am sorry I caused you stress with my lack of rules, I don't usually send requests or asks myself, so I felt really bad to have frightened you. Not too sure if this will end up being what you had in mind, it got away from me a bit.

Also when you say Fallen Down, you do mean the Undertale soundtrack piece right? It's a soothing song I listened to it while I was plotting this to try and get into a similar headspace.

notes: they/them used for Yuu, header taken from the painting Spirit by George Roux (1885) which I found on this wordpres blog article I took the title from, it's a neat painting, Azul learning to find beauty and love in imperfections is important to me ok? Other works can be found on my masterlist here.

Sometimes you wonder if Ramshakle is sentient. The old building has more rooms than you know what to do with, and lovely as the ghosts are they don't fully remember what they were used for, if they remembered in the first place. But still there was something about those rooms that seemed to love you; he guest room almost built itself up around you, the kitchen had only needed some basic repairs before it was ready to help play host again, and no matter where a fire place was found it was always eager to burst to life and warm you and Grim.

It does not have the same love for Azul, he'd complained as much when you talked about just what it was he wanted with the building after the events of his overblot had cooled between you.

"It's got a graveyard in front of it, though?" That really had been the crux of your whole argument. It was hard to be annoyed with his laugh when it sounded so nice, the genuine amusement a refreshing difference to his previous performitive indifference.

"Yes," he muses, sipping at his real before he continues, "I'm not bothered by that much, ghosts and grave ships aren't uncommon sights under the sea, but I always forget how unusual humans think they are."

"There's a lot of superstitions about places where people are buried." You mean it as an explanation, but it brings an odd look to Azul's face, like there's an emotion bubbling beneath his surface he doesn't want to acknowledge but is too strong to suppress. It settles over you both, as you try to focus on drinking your tea while your host seems content to let his grow cold.

"Well, I suppose it's a good thing that ruin isn't really sentient." He sounds almost bitter, disappointed in how long he has let his drink cool you decide as he reaches for the pot and warms it with some fresh tea. "Otherwise, I'd accuse it of trying to keep you."

It's a silly thought, but the sight of this latest discovery really does have you wondering. You are supposed to be in that wonderfully accommodating kitchen making snacks for when Azul decides to "coincidentally drop by" later this evening to "go over the Lounge's expenses" in your guest room. On a Tuesday. When it was almost guaranteed business would be slow enough to keep anyone from wondering too hard about where he'd gone or the twins from being too upset about running things. But instead of "just wanting to try" a new recipe, you are here, tucked in a room just a bit further down the hall from the guest room watching Grim give his best impression of Ace after completing a magic trick. Because stars know he has never seen any other magicians.

"TA-DA!" He puts both of his paws out to really sell the piano at the window. "See, I told you I had a great surprise!"

"I'm sorry for not believing you." You say and try not to laugh with just how much more proud that seems to make him. "But where did you find this? Or how I guess, unless you moved it?"

"Nah." He shakes his head before remembering he's supposed to be the "great" Grim. "I mean I could have! But I'm just so cool I managed to find a piano here already, so all I had to do was clean it up instead! You're welcome henchuman." You scratch just behind his ears and politely ignore his purrs as you examine the piano and its bench. They're old, likely just as ancient as everything else in the dormitory and likely extremely, achingly out of tune. But the mere sight of it makes your fingers itch, and Grim barely has to whine "Well ain't you gonna play somethin'?" Before you're at the bench, experimentally pressing the keys to try and sound out something.

Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are-

You hum it rather than sing, irrationally worried Grim will somehow figure out it's a lullaby and complain that you're babying him instead of cutely dancing along with the music like it's one of the cassettes Deuce let you borrow. He cheers for another, and you oblige, letting your muscle memory carry you as far as it can as you try searching your brain for just what it was you wanted most to hear from yourself after all this time being unable to play.

And missing the click of a heavy door down the hall in the effort.

Azul hears nothing at first, and though it does disappoint, it does not bother him. He's had a long day, one about to be made longer still by the grey zone already draping itself around his thoughts as he shrugs his blazer off to his shoulders while en route to the Ramshackle guest room. He pauses, for what he tells himself is only going to be second, at the kitchen door and is left unrewarded for his detour.

You aren't there: and that does bother him somewhat, even if it should not if his pretext is to be believed. These visits were too commonplace to be random, but maybe you'd made plans, deciding not to look past his excuses for the evening. Maybe you were asleep, tired of the day or just plain tired of him. But there is a kettle sat on it's base, mercifully not on just yet, but two mugs and the pour over cone set next to as if it was expecting company. The nerves remain knotted in his stomach, though the cause shifts towards something more welcome.

So you do have a mug purposefully set aside and designated just for him, and is that a little recpie card with notes on coffee taped to that tin? These things should worry him, the picture he snaps and immediately hides in a folder should be for a purpose. But it's separate from those ones, labeled something inane and barely full with how careful he is to have his longing remain unseen. He wonders, briefly if it would be an intrusion to make the drinks himself. If it would reveal to much to show outright he knows the way you take yours instead of just saying it in time with your order, but knows that would not be the exact issue here. He is a guest, and guests limit themselves to the halls and that room he forces himself, with haste that would be noticeable if you were there to see it, back down the hall and back towards the guest room. Azul has work to do, he can content himself with the warmth the mental image the cups on the counter produces until something forces him to pause at a door once more. The piano is old, droning out a tune that is unpolished and rusty from the player's lack of practice but filled with such a specific sort of joy it has him actually running towards it.

You sit at the bench, a serious look of determination on your face so unlike the usual Yuu it can't help but be cute. Grim sleeps contentedly on your lap as you continue searching for the threads of melody still trapped inside your head from years of only occasionally reluctant practice. It's an unfamiliar tune in composition, but not in feel. There's words to this song, maybe not in the form of lyrics, but there all the same for him to stumble even closer to as he comes to a halting stop just behind you and the music ends in a surprised crash as you whip your head around to see him.

"Azul!"

"Very sorry to interrupt." He holds up both hands in surrender, composure only just maintained as you check to see Grim still asleep and laugh nervously. "I didn't know you could play."

"Can't really." You say somewhat bitterly and more confidence comes to Azul as a slight plan froms in his mind. "I'm really out of practice ugh. I know it shouldn't annoy me! But with how everything's been since I showed up, it's just not been on my mi- Oh hello?"

Azul fully removes his jacket and sets it on a side table close to where he had been satanding, moving to sit on the bench next to you. He has enough mercy not to loosen his tie or do anything else scandalous, but the close examination he gives to the keys could have fooled you. "Pity it's so out of tune, this is a nice piano."

"I know right! I'm really happy Grim found it." You resist the urge to poke his cheeks some and Azul lightly, trying not to too openly relish in your surprise reaches one arm around your back to place his hands into a similar position as you had been earlier, tucking you close to his side.

"May I?" He's smug. Too smug it's robbing you of sanity.

"What's it going to cost?" You try too hard not to sound like you're flailing as you look to see your question hasn't even phased him at all.

"Oh normally I wouldn't dream of charging for a performance," he clearly lies "but it's been such a long day I wouldn't say no to a cup of coffee." And he's off, music only marred by the off key of the piano in a clearly purposeful display of talent meant to sear itself into your mind enough that you don't think about his request too long. You and he are from two different worlds, but he knows that music has a way of gapping that if the stories of the mermaid princess told him anything at all. So when he purposefully slows the song at its end, he knows you know, that tricky smile he swore once he'd always hate kicking his heartbeat up again as you lean fully against his shoulder.

"Beautiful." You say, not bothering to give the compliment direction as he can't help but agree. "We should play together next time."

"I-" You pick yourself up and what he wants to say slows when you pick up his jacket for him and hold out a hand. Later, he all to easily decides. Later, without Grim and with specific time set purposefully aside so you know just how much it matters. "I would like that. You'll have to show me the songs that you can remember from your world." And he takes your hand just to soothe some of the ache, trying and failing not to show just how happy he is when you keep it.

[jenniferjareauwife]

I Can't

pairing: jennifer jareau x reader

category: fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings: depression

word count: 792

summary: you're having trouble getting out of bed

"Come on babe you've gotta get up." JJ said anxiously while putting her hair up in a ponytail. "We have to leave for work in 15 minutes and you still have to eat breakfast and get ready."

"Stop." I mumbled, pulling the covers up over my head and tucking them under my body so she couldn't pull them off.

"Whats up? Are you sick?" She sat on the bed next to me and put on her shoes. "Baby you really have to get up." She tried to shake me but I just pushed her away. That's when she knew something was wrong, I never did that. "What's wrong?" More silence. "Baby you've gotta talk to me."

"I can't."

"You can talk to me. You can always talk to me, you know that."

"I know I can talk to you. I just...I can't go to work." She stayed silent for a few seconds and I didn't have the courage to poke my head out from under the covers.

"Ok. Why can't you go to work?" She gently pulled the covers out from under my body so she could get under them to cuddle me. "Is everything ok?" I shrugged. "Did the last case get to you?" I shook my head. "Are you sick?" She felt my forehead as I shook my head.

"I can't do anything today." She sighed in response. "I'm sorry. You probably need to get going-" She cut me off with a kiss.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna call in, ok? Hotch will understand." She gently scratched my scalp with her fingertips.

I waited for her to finish the call before finally looking at her. "What's going on my love?" She tucked my hair behind my ear before kissing my nose.

"I'm just..."

"Just sad? Bad brain day?" I nodded.

"I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like I can do anything. It wouldn't be a good idea to go into the field when I'm not feeling my best. I might put myself in danger that I wouldn't be putting myself in if I were in a better headspace." I explained. "I also...really don't think I can get out of bed."

"I'm glad you're looking out for yourself." She praised sincerely. It was more than clear that she was thinking about the countless times that she had to pull me off of the field because I was taking unnecessary risks due to my mental health. She would usually reassign me to the geological profiles with Spence but even then my focus was terrible and I couldn't contribute. "Let's go take a bath." I shook my head.

"I need rest."

"You've slept for ten hours. You don't need anymore rest. I promise. Just one bath, it'll take less than half an hour and then we can come back to bed and cuddle the rest of the day." She promised. "It'll make you feel better, trust me." She pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"I don't want to though."

"Ok. Just promise me you'll get out of bed at some point today? And promise me that you'll eat something." I nodded. "I need words my love."

"I promise."

"Pinky promise." She held out her pinky and I linked them together, both of us kissing our hands before pulling away. "Now what can I do for you honey?" She pulled me into her arms, making my whole body relax.

"I just need you." She nodded and adjusted so she was sitting down and leaning against the headboard, adjusting me so I was straddling her lap. I didn't like the new position. I wanted to cuddle. I wanted to be in her arms with my head on her chest.

"What's wrong hon?" She caressed my hips with a small pout.

"I want to cuddle."

"You could've just told me babe." She lied down on her side so I could snuggle against her chest, taking deep breaths as I listened to her heartbeat. "Is that better?" I nodded and clung to her as tight as I could. "I'm really glad you told me how you were feeling." She stroked my hair while looking down at me with loving eyes. "I know how hard it is for you."

"It's just...hard to put some stuff into words."

"Yeah, I get it." She kissed the top of my head. "All I ask is that in the future you don't shut me out, you tell me right away. I want to be able to help you and if you don't tell me then I can't help you."

"Ok...I'll tell you next time. Immediately. I promise."

"I love you so much. Don't forget that."

"I love you too."

[miodiodavinci]

anyway as for the long and short of how i'm doing currently (mostly the long)

so two weeks ago i sprained my wrist at work lifting boxes, and it's been a slow recovery even with the help of a brace, stretches, rice buddies, and ice packs. i've had to basically put a lot of my hobbies on hold because i've been saving what little i can do with my wrist for all the job prep i need to do on the weekends (i.e. making flyers, updating spreadsheets, creating presentations, moving more boxes, etc...)

hobbies are even further on hold at this point because this last week i injured my shoulder as well, and i can feel that my ankle is getting ready to go with it. i'm doing what i can to minimize the damage (i.e. got a work cart, have had coworkers come with me to storage, actually sitting down and resting when i'm on break, etc...) but there's not a lot that can be done considering these are Core Aspects of my job and my contract goes until spring (and also like. whole complex situation where i can't leave without screwing over myself and a lot of people i care about)

it's a shit situation all around, but at the very least i'm getting paid a reasonable amount and it's covering my expenses jfgjksdhkfg

(though for all the work i do, god oh god i wish it was doing more than just covering my expenses)

having to take a break from my hobbies has put me in a weird headspace, though. or like it's less of a weird headspace and more that there's finally this pause that has me reevaluating what i want to do in my spare time

i've been consumed by work for the past like four years of my life, this last year was kind of the culmination of that. between completing my internship, finishing my degree, surviving The Horror (read: had a really, truly horrifying cancer scare last year), doing the yamaha collab, and taking care of the flurry of job-hunting stuff that needed to be done post-graduation, i don't know if i actually got a chance to so much as breathe until august

. . . . except in august i immediately collapsed and rotted the entire month away skjdfhgkhsdf

i'm burnt out, i think. like. genuinely, really severely burnt out. the more i think about it, the more i feel like i just need a year of doing nothing.

just. absolutely nothing.

which i've told myself in the past. several times. always in a big showy way. so much so that i feel silly saying it now because i've been saying it for years in the descriptions of my videos and in posts on my blog.

"i'm tired of being beholden to past me!! this year, i'm letting go of my expectations for myself and just doing what i want!!" (<< this user has said this at least 7 separate times and has failed to make good on it every single time)

but i think why i've never been able to follow through is because in spite of all the dropping projects that no longer interested me and not feeling obligated to see everything through, i still held on to the expectation that at the end of it, i'd still post something. but like.

i think posting doesn't really matter to me as much anymore??? if at all???

which isn't to say "i'm putting my foot down and never creating any new vocaloid work ever again," but it's also like. i can't let myself sit with the expectation of "yeah i'll just make things for fun!! and when they're done, i'll post them!!' because that changes the focus from making something for me into making something for others to see, which is. a different beast to care for skdjfgklhsdlfg

i keep seeing a lot of things where i have the opportunity to keep building on what rice and i were able to make as part of the yamaha collab: alternate box arts, matching galaco design, cool new english covers featuring bespoke cover art of the new designs but when i think of starting those, i feel utterly drained, and when i think of how i'll feel once they're finished, i imagine it'll be akin to "alright, i've checked that off the list. what's the next thing i should do not disappear and be a failure?"

. . . . . which is really, really separate from doing things as a hobby because they make me happy OTL

this past year i've really reconnected with my close friends (in part because i stopped having time to scroll online and didn't want anyone to know when i was online because i legitimately did not have the energy to respond) and i've noticed i really truly enjoy just batting around our ocs with each other so more than i've enjoyed any of the vocaloid work that i've put out in the past five years skjfghldkfg

i've been doing vocaloid things for over ten years now, and the collaboration with yamaha was quite literally something i couldn't have even dreamed of, much less imagined it would have just fallen into my lap the way it did. coming off the end of it and my internship though, there's this feeling that's been building for years now where it feels like the effort i put in is just not proportional to the satisfaction i get out of it. it feels more like something i'm supposed to do otherwise i'd just be squandering all the work i've put in and all the attention i've gotten.

. . . . . . i just want to live man 😂 i'm caught in a mental tangle that feels difficult to unravel. spring mio was at the end of his fucking rope, but fall mio is finally has the time to sit down with the slack and is wondering if it's worth it to keep pulling for all i'm worth when i can always just go over to my friend's house and have a funny little sleep over (metaphorical or literal both apply)

i'm not decided by any means but i'm definitely thinking about it.

it's the fact that it's been 2 years since i've released salvador, and i went into it thinking i'd be cool and professional about it, with lots of covers and frequent updates because i used to make lots of UTAU covers in high school, but then i got paralyzed by all the "shoulds" wrapped up in the process and i just. stopped working.

when i say i want to make X cover of Y song, am i really saying that i want to go out of my way to do all these things?? or am i just imagining what momentary satisfaction i'll feel to see another thumbnail on my channel??

...

(face in hands) this ended up being. a lot fucking longer than i meant for it to be jksdfhlkghsdkfg

hopefully most people have clicked away by this point w

it's the tear between the things i genuinely want (making things with friends that stay between us friends) the things i kind of want out of necessity (opening up commissions so i can supplement my income), the things i said i'd do and can't back out now on, and the things i told myself i would do but can't really must up plenty of positive emotions about (but can feel plenty of frightful, guilty emotions when i think of not doing them)

i'll figure it out eventually. even in the worst case scenario, i plan to keep my accounts up as archives, so it's not like my work will go anywhere w i'd still want it to be there once i decide i'm ready to come back to it w

[soupedepates]

As usual

"Stuff happened"

Is my way to sum up the day

Between medical confidentiality and the things I don't want to say

But today is a special day I suppose

Idalia told me she wanted to bring me somewhere nice

I said that staying at home was nice enough

She argued that with her new job

As she is making now way more than minimum wage

She could afford to bring me to a good place downtown and pay everything

So I asked her what were we celebrating

(Not her birthday nor mine

So what is it?)

She rolled her eyes and told me to get ready after my day at the surgery

And now I am trying to figure out how to tie that necktie

I look like an aged schoolboy my God

But I guess the trouser suit would look nice on me

if I wasn't built like a matchbox perhaps

Okay okay the tie won't do

And I can't wear anything else for my wardrobe is only constituted of comfy clothes you can't wear at a nice restaurant

Or scrubs

But you don't go on a date wearing scrubs

I can't show cleavage

You can't show what you don't have after all

I shouldn't look at my reflection for too long

It's giving me dark thoughts

Of course Idalia is beautiful in her best dress

"Wait a sec, honey", she says as she is putting my barrette with a fake rose in my hair

"You look absolutely perfect."

I don't know if she is trying to cheer me up or if she believes in what she's saying

I always loved persons better-looking than me

Fryderyk has always been so handsome

And Idalia

Well

She is unbelievably beautiful

And here I am

Homely at best and unsightly at worst

"And you're just

Just breath-taking"

"Aren't you a flirt," she giggles before giving me a peck on the lips. "Let's go, we're about to be late!"

And for a nice place

It is

"How expensive is this place?"

"My treat, Zuza, I'm paying everything, don't worry!"

I read the menu

No

It's a nice restaurant

So the prices are nice

Not stupendous

But clearly she has been saving up for this date

"I'm sorry

But what are we celebrating?"

She starts to laugh

Then she stares at me worried

"Oh you're not jokin', you have no clue."

Perfect moment for the waiter to bring the wine

I must admit

Seeing that man so confused regarding who is supposed to taste the wine

In front of my girlfriend (very feminine and taller) and I (more masculine-leaning yet thin and shorter

And older)

Is funny

He hesitates for a bit

I can't hold a nervous laugh

He awkwardly pours us both a drop to verify it isn't corked

And as the wine doesn't seem corked

He just leaves our table

"Have you forgotten? Like, for real?"

Oh no

I've hurt her

"I am so sorry"

"Oh, don't be, it's..."

She pauses to think for a bit

"It's our anniversary today. Well, it is tomorrow but tomorrow this place won't be open and your son is going to that clinic and you won't be in the right headspace, I think... I wanted to do something nice for our fifth anniversary."

I've hurt her by forgetting

My God I'm such an idiot

"And as you were the one who reminded me the fourth last times I thought it would be nice if I was the one making the move this time... For fuck's sake you really forgot?"

She immediately takes my hand

"Hey, you're making that face, is everything okay?"

"What face?"

"The face you do when you're about to cry", she whispers

"Everything is okay Idalia

I am

I am just sorry"

"It's alright it's alright, don't beat up on yourself. It's fine... You have a lot goin' on these days... weeks... months?"

"It's nothing"

"It's not, Zuza. It's really not. I'm seeing you withering and yes, I noticed you can't sleep at night, and that you've changed your medication for something stronger. It's not 'nothing'..."

I can't look at her in the eyes

So I just pour myself some wine

"I'm tired

That's all

Sorry for bumming you out when you made so much effort for me"

"It's okay", she smiles

It isn't

"I just want to take care of you."

"I know Idalia

I'm just tired"

As usual

I justify myself with

"Stuff happened"

[wandafiction]

Ruby-Throated Hummingbird - Just Us Chapter 70

Warnings: Big Sad Stuff, Grief, Death

Word Count: 4794

Series List | Chapter 69 | Chapter 71

================================

Me: I made it home safe

Princess: Okay, I love you baby

Me: I love you too

Me: Princess

Princess: Yeah?

Me: I'm sorry for leaving like that 😞 

Princess: It's okay, you need some breathing space and time. I want you to be okay, take care of your mind before we talk. You need to be in the right headspace otherwise it's not going to help you, and it's unfair on you if I do something you're not comfortable with. Take all the time you need, I will wait until you're ready.

Princess: I will see you tomorrow x

Me: Goodnight x

Princess: Goodnight baby x

I lock my phone, putting it face down on the table in front of me as I let the evening wind dance around me. My right hand holding a glass of scotch, swirling it around, my other hand moves to my mouth and I start biting my nails. The calming sounds of the late evening that surround the city, allow me to take a moment to cumulate my thoughts. 

I've always loved sitting on the terrace, watching the evening sun descend behind the buildings, evading the rising moon. The red, yellow and orange light hues shimmer across the glass of the many skyscrapers that surround each other. The warmth from the sun leaves my body, as I am cast into the shadow of the neighbouring building. I pull my coat closer around me, bringing my scotch to my lips and drinking it in one. I sigh as the burn from the drink warms my throat as I swallow, and I don't wait to pour another one: still having enough self control to tell myself no more after this. I've already had 3. 

I turn my phone over when I hear it go off, not knowing what to think when I seeing a voice message from Wanda. I don't know what to do with it, I know I should listen to it but when I feel the buzzing in my head from the alcohol I decide it's something I need to do sober. I turn my phone on silently leaving it on the table as I stand from my seat and make my way to the edge of the terrace. I place my now empty glass on the floor next to my feet, crossing my arms over one another as I rest them on the edge of the terrace railing. 

I lean down slightly, my chin coming to a rest on the top of my arms as I close my eyes taking in the sounds of the city. I hear a noise I don't quite recognise as a car or the city nightlife, it's more of a buzzing...or humming. I open my eyes, looking in the direction of the noise and when I spot the culprit I feel the tears well in my eyes. 

For what I see is a Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, and it's doing its best to feed from the flowers that are still holding onto life as the cold autumn weather takes over. I watch in awe as it hovers from one flower to the next, like it's eating its last meal. My eyes never leave it for a second as it comes to rest gently on the railing a few meters away from me.

I don't move, afraid to scare it away knowing how quickly they can move. I take this moment and try to engrain it in my brain. I never want to forget this moment. It starts to move, thinking it is ready to fly away and continue on with its life. A sad smile makes its way onto my face.

Yet it doesn't fly away, it turns to look at me, its head twitching to the left as if it is trying to decipher whether I am a threat or not. I twitch my head to the right and it jumps back, causing me to hold in a laugh. It's wings flutter on its back as it twitches its head the other way, before turning back to look at the city skyline. After a few moments of peaceful serenity it jumps off the railing and flys away into the dark of the night. 

"I miss you so much it hurts." I whisper into the emptiness around me.

The Ruby-throated Hummingbird was Sarah's favourite.

Once the city is devoid of any sunlight and warmth I grab my empty glass and start to head inside, also grabbing my phone and the bottle of scotch on my way. I return the scotch to its rightful place in the cabinet, washing out the glass and leaving it to dry on the draining board. 

I place my phone face up on the island counter, trying to decide if I check for any new messages or not. I stand there for a good few minutes in the dark kitchen, not having turned any lights on, as I watch my phone light up and a message pops up. 

Princess: I am off to bed now baby. I love you so much. 

I let out a doleful sigh as I unlock my phone to see that it's the only message she has sent apart from the voice message. I'm grateful that she isn't being pushy. 

Me: I love you too. 

I see the three dots appear for a little while doing their thing before they disappear but receive no text message. I lock my phone back up and make my way to the bedroom. Not even bothering to change clothes as I slump into bed on top of the covers. 

I turn on the bedside lamp and my eyes are instantly met with the picture of me and Sarah on our wearing day. My hand reaches out shakily as my face scrunches up to try and stop the tears from falling, my bottom lip trembling as my breath comes out broken between tiny sobs. 

My thumb brushes over Sarah's face as I choke out a sob as I see her radiant smile, her cheeks flushed red as her eyes seem almost closed. My thumb moves down to trace over her elegant white dress, then my eyes follow the lace flower pattern of her veil as it flows with the small breeze that was present that day. 

I remove my thumb from the picture, replacing it with my finger as I draw a line down her arms, which are also wrapped in white. She chose a long sleeved dress and it was so perfect on her, she was flawless. It may have been autumn, but we picked the perfect day for it as the cold weather was taken over by a warmth only the sun can provide. I press my lips together, holding back a sob as the tears freely fall from my eyes as my finger stops at our hands. 

She has her left hand in my right as I push the finger on her ring, the picture capturing the moment forever. My ring on my left hand glows as the sun shows it off to the world, tears run down my face as my eyes look into Sarah's. The white archway stands strong above us as bunches of daylilies hang from it, my eyes move up the archway and back down but stop when I see something I hadn't spotted before. 

A Ruby-Throated Hummingbird.

I pull the frame against my chest wrapping my arms around it and myself as I break down into uncontrollable sobs. My whole body shaking with my powerful cries as I flood my pillow with tears, my body curled into itself in the festus position. My lips rest against the top of the frame as I try to talk.

"I miss you so much, my colubris. My beautiful colubris. I am so sorry for what I caused. I wish you were here sometimes, you know, even after nearly two years. You would have the perfect words for this, a solution to my woes." 

I let out a small laugh as I hear Sarah's voice in my head telling me she was always better at being the stable one out of us.

"You know I think you would like her, she is the complete opposite of you. It's refreshing, it's new but you will always be my first love and I don't know how to let that go. If only we had more time." 

I remove the frame from my chest, standing it back up on the bedside table rubbing my thumb over Sarah's face one last time. My eyes flick down to the small bit of metal that sits next to, my hand moving down to grab it. I read the inscription on the inside of the ring.

Amor vincit omnia, et nos cedamus amori. 

"Love conquers all, and we yield to love." I whisper against the ring pressing a soft kiss against it before sliding it onto my finger, the feeling of the metal against my skin feels almost normal.

I keep my body in the fetal position as I stare at the picture and the ring one last time before reaching over to turn the lamp off. Plunged into darkness I am left to the silence that fills the penthouse, the emptiness of the missing body next to me.

My screaming mind is the loudest thing within the walls of my bedroom, terrorising me with a labyrinth of thoughts I cannot escape. The silence and loneliness that fills the room is unnerving, it pulses around me but at the same time a stillness to it that makes my skin crawl with unease. 

I turn my head to push my face into my pillow as I let out a gut wrenching scream, hardly being muffled by the pillow as it echoes around my room. I wrap my arms under the pillow, my knuckles turning white as I grip the top of it pulling further against my face. 

"Fuck!" I once again break down into the pillow, my throat dry and painful due to my screams. My eyes are red raw and swollen from the ever flowing river of tears, my cheeks covered in an acute layer of salt that causes my skin to feel tight and itchy. My nose is running but also clogged as I have to start breathing out of my mouth, not able to clear my nose. 

~~~~

I don't even realise I had fallen asleep last night until I'm woken up by the blinding morning sun that's invading my room through the open blinds. I reach over to my phone seeing that it's only 8am groaning at my aching body as I try to stretch. My bones creak and pop as I push my arms and legs out trying to bring life back into the dead limbs. I push myself to sit up, my feet resting on the floor as I push my arms above my head, bending my back slightly to stretch it out. 

My hands pull at my face as I rub it up and down to try and rid my eyes of sleep, grumbling when I notice how dry they feel: it burns slightly. I put my phone in my back pocket as I make my way to the bathroom, turning the cold tap on. Bending down I splash cold water over my face as I rub it with my hands, repeating this until I can't feel the salt that had gathered in my eyes anymore.

I dry my hands off when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, smiling when I see a message from Wanda.

Princess: I worry about you, can you message me that you're awake just so I know you're safe and haven't done anything reckless. 

Me: I'm awake. I will see you later, I have something to do this morning and then I will come back to the townhouse.

Princess: Please stay safe.

Me: I will. I love you.

Princess: I love you too baby.

I put my phone back in my pocket, making my way back into my room to grab a hoodie. I grab some leather gloves and a beanie hat before making my way out of the room. I trudge into the kitchen, putting some bread into the toaster and put a thermal mug under the coffee machine as I press start. 

I take a deep breath in, my lungs filling with the smell of brewing coffee. The toast pops up as the coffee machine finishes doing its job, so I put a lid on the mug and place the corner of the toast into my mouth: holding it between my teeth.

I walk to the entrance hall, the mug being placed on the shoe rack as I choose a pair of winter boots knowing if I don't I won't be able to feel my toes pretty quickly. I take a few bites of the toast, holding it between my teeth again as I tie my boots up. I finish off my slice of toast so I can pull my hoodie over my head, then wrap an overcoat around my shoulders. I slide my gloves on before pushing my arms through the sleeves of the coat, then put my beanie on. 

I bend down to grab my coffee, heading to the elevators as I head down to the first floor deciding to walk instead of drive: my mind and sight still a little hazy from my emotional night. I decide to put my phone on silent, and am surprised when I see a message from Tommy. 

Twin 1: Have a good day at work. See you tonight. 

Me: Have a good day at school Tommy. See you tonight.

He sends me a picture of him and Billy pulling a funny face in the back of the car and I can't help it when my smile grows. God I love those boys so much. I then receive another photo of them just smiling, their faces full of youth and innocence. I send one back of me pulling a funny face, receiving a laughing face emoji in return before he let's me know they are at school so will message me later. 

Ding. I step out of the elevator, saying a polite hello to the door guard as I leave the warmth of the building and into the streets of New York that have a light coating of snow resting on the sidewalk. The cold breeze brushes against my face as I start my walk to the only destination I have in mind. 

I dodge New Yorkers who are just doing their daily route to work, some dressed in suits and long coats, others wearing casual clothes but remain wrapped up warm. I smile when I see a young girl with her mom through the window of a coffee shop as she drinks from a mug that's topped with cream and marshmallows, her hands wrapped tightly around the mug trying to keep them warm. 

My smile drops when my mind replays Wanda's words and instead of seeing a young girl enjoying a want mug, of what I can only assume is chocolate, with her mother. I see what I missed out on in life. A chance to see my baby girl grow up, have our first Christmas together, walk her down the aisle. I know she didn't mean it and I know her own insecurities and past relationship caused a lot of it. But it still hurts. A lot. 

I walk on autopilot until I am standing in front of the open black gates that I got so used to seeing, yet I notice a new layer of paint. It has been a while since I've been here. I look to the sign on the left, the freshly painted words standing out against the black.

New York City Marble Cemetery. 

I look down to my left hand as I fiddle with the thin golden band that has taken home once again on my ring finger. Taking a few shaky breaths I take a small step through the gates, no longer on a random sidewalk in New York but now within the walls of Sarah and Evie's final resting place. 

Sarah had always wanted to get buried here, saying how even though the reason people come here is to say goodbyes, it was one of the most beautiful places within the city. The city was her home, she had never lived anywhere else. Growing up around the riches that came from the family name, but finding true purpose with her journey in building our company and giving birth to our baby girl. 

I make my way past many graves, looking at the names and messages on the stones as I do. I notice a few people gathered around one stone, many bunches of flowers surrounded it, as the marble shines in the sun. The brunette lady places her hand on the top of the stone as she talks either to the person she lost or to the group of three teenagers, two boys one girl, that are standing in a huddle behind her. 

I divert my eyes away, not wanting to intrude on their private moment even if they don't know I am doing so. My eyes search for the black marble stones that stand together underneath one of the many trees. 

My movements slow as I get closer to the tree, as it casts a shadow over me but allows the two headstones to be drowned in the yellow glow from the sun. I rest my hand on top of the headstone as I move around the front of them and look at the words engraved on them.

To the making of memories and the fondest of dreams. 

In loving memory of

Sarah Stark

June 20th 1998 - November 8th 2019

A beautiful wife, caring mother and cherished daughter.

I plant a kiss on the top of the gravestone as my hands trace over the white letters engraved into the marble. My other hand rests on the top as I rest my forehead against it. Once my fingers have finished tracing the words I lift my head to look at the other gravestone that stands next to it.

May you get what you deserve from the goodness of your heart. 

For the memories yet to be made 

Evie Stark

September 10th 2019 - November 8th 2019

A beautiful daughter, treasured granddaughter and loved niece.

I sit in front of my daughter's gravestone as my eyes reread the words over and over again, my eyes brimming with tears that just can't seem to escape, making it harder for me to read what's in front of me. My hands harshly wipe at my eyes, causing the tears to spill from their imprisonment as I let out a forced laugh. 

"Hi baby girl. Mama's here now. I know it's been more than a month since I've been here, and I promised I would visit as much as I could. But I don't think it's what I need any more, my sweet angel. You know mama will love you always but I don't need to come here so often. Not anymore. I feel free and like I'm floating on clouds for the first time in a very long time, maybe the first time since what happened."

I look between the two gravestones, as I talk to them. They are always listening and watching, or so I've been told. It helped me a lot in the past, and now I just try and catch them up on what's going on in my life. I dig my hand into my coat pocket remembering I brought something else with me.

"Look what Mama got you angel." I hold up a toy bunny and shake it side to side gently showing it off to her. "It's a new toy to keep you safe and protected each and every night. We can name him bear, because even though he looks cute and fluffy he has super ninja skills. His top secret ninja name is Master Hop, and he is a black belt in karate." 

I put my hands on the back of the toy as I make it look like it's punching and kicking the air as I move my fingers. I make it run and jump from the ground to the top of her gravestone, before I manage to get it to sit on the top it's body slumping over a bit. I rest my hand on the top of her gravestone before moving to sit in front of Sarah's. 

"My beautiful colubris I'm sorry for waiting so long to see you again. I just didn't know how to bring myself to face you, until last night." I look down at my hand as I start fiddling with my ring. "I uh, I've met someone. And no I didn't go back to Steph, or even anyone remotely like Steph. Although her ex-husband's step daughter is Steph, which is not so great but nothing I can't handle. She has two lovely boys who I adore. We even cooked beef stroganoff last night. Your favourite." 

I let out a wry chuckle as I shuffle my body around so my back is against the gravestones as I rest my head down against the top of it, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the grass. I twist the ring around my finger again and again until I can think of anything to say. 

It's kind of funny, I'm afraid of hurting her with this new information that I think I'm finally ready to move on. That I'm finally happy once again. I'm afraid of hurting something that cannot be hurt because they are already buried. 

"I won't ever stop loving you Sarah, but I think I've found my forever person. I don't know how to explain it, we've not even known each other that long and I can see the rest of our lives together when I close my eyes at night. It's scary yet I think it's okay. To be scared means you have something worth losing. Me and you worked hard for our love, we fought every day for it and it was a constant uphill battle for sometime. But with her...with Wanda...we just got comfortable so quickly and we both fell in love quicker than I thought possible. Now the love I have for you will always remain ingrained in my heart, I hidden flame that will never truly die out. But this love for Wanda is taking over and for every bit that I don't want to leave you behind, I need to move forward." 

I lift my head off the top of the stone as I look over the writing once more, the words that will forever be engraved on the stone for the world to see. Feeling a shiver go up my spine as I am reminded I have been sitting in a graveyard in the middle of October for quite a long time, as the cold autumn breeze drifts across my face.

"Me and her had a big fight yesterday." I let out a sigh as I rest my head back down. 

"She said some things that cut me deeply and that's why I'm here today. I needed to clear my head before going back to her, I couldn't go to anyone else they won't understand. I needed you, and now I'm here I don't know what to do with myself. I want you to tell me what I should do. I know she didn't mean the words she said, but she still managed to say them meaning she has either thought about it or been made to think about it. I'm not as strong as she thinks I am, and it scares me to think about her finding out just how broken I truly am. She knows about you and Evie, the PTSD, the panic attacks but she doesn't know how broken I was. How broken I am. The shell of the person I once was. Then Steph came along, friends at first of course and she was slowly bringing out some of the old me, of course it didn't last two seconds once we were together officially. She broke me more than I already was."

I swallow the lump in my throat at the thought of everything I've been through in my life and how broken I truly am, I just got good at hiding it. 

"Now there's Wanda. She has broken down so many of my walls so quickly, bringing back parts of myself I thought were completely destroyed by the accident and Steph. I already told you I cooked beef stroganoff, and I haven't done that since you were alive. It felt so good to be able to share it with someone I care so deeply about. Or how eating breakfast in bed is one of the best things in the world yet it is such a simple thing to do. Cuddled up on the couch binge watching our favourite programmes, or how fun it is to share the kitchen with someone and cook together. I haven't done or felt those things in so long and that's what scares me the most. The last time I came out of my shell, showed a little bit of who I used to be, it was quite literally beaten from me. I had no control over anything, and it scares me deep down that it might happen again. Not that Wanda would, I trust her with my life, but what if something happens to her and the boys that causes me to retreat back into myself and I lose all hope of becoming the person I once was." 

I pull the ring off my finger, moving my fingers in such a way that it dances from left to right over each of them just above my knuckles. 

After a few minutes I pause my movements and turn the ring so I can read the inscription again and smile down at the ring as a few tears land on the grass below me as I start to cry again.

"Love conquers all. What do you think my beautiful colubris? Will her love for me be enough to see past the broken? Will her love for me be enough to pick up the pieces and help put them back together? Will her love be enough that even on my bad days when I push her away, she doesn't move but stays?" I allow the quiet whistle of wind to blow past my ears, which soon turns to a humming noise.

The wind doesn't hum.

I turn my head to see a Hummingbird bird dancing around the flowers that rest next to a nearby grave, my eyes following its movements. It darts from one flower to the next moving closer and closer to where I am sitting next to my wife and child. When it reaches the gravestones and realises there are no more flowers, it chooses to hover in front of my face and I hold my breath as its body moves around in the gentle breeze. 

I slowly lift my hand with my fingers closed into my palm apart from my index finger that I hold out straight. I lift it until I gently tap the Hummingbirds feet expecting it to spook and fly away, but am flabbergasted when it takes home on my finger. Its wings settling down as it rests on my finger, it's round eyes staring up into mine. I take the time to study the bird and realise it is another Ruby-Throated Hummingbird.

"So what do you think Mr Hummingbird?" When it twitches its head to the left I ask another question. "Do you think her love is enough?" 

It again twitches its head to the left and it starts to move off my finger and chooses to hover in front of Sarah's gravestone before flying away. I move to my feet after what has probably been an hour of sitting down, wiping my hands on the back of my coat and onto to clean them off. I stand in front of the two gravestones, my eyes moving from one to the other again and again. 

"I love you my sweet angel." I place my hand on Evie's gravestone before shaking master Hop's arm. "Look after her for me." 

I turn to look at Sarah's gravestone smiling sadly but also fondly at it, finally having the answers I've not been able to find the questions for until today. I lean down to place a final kiss on the top of her grave.

"Happy anniversary my beautiful colubris." 

================================

[kakusu-shipping]

for nezu!!

🌟 - how is regression like for your f/o? (eg. agere/agedre or petre/petdre? which age range/pet?) 🐾 - do they regress voluntarily? how can you tell that they're regressed? 🧳 - how do they deal with regression when you're far away? 🎈 - free space! share a regression hc of your f/o

@i-put-the-s4p-in-s4pphic

Ooooh tricky tricky... Thankyou for asking let me thiiink...

🌟 - What is regression like for your f/o?

Involuntary and very messy at first. It starts happening a bit after he retires as Principal of UA (so post-story). He assumes he's loosing his mind, finally snapped, something bad happened in his brain and it's too late to save him from it. It takes a lot to talk him down and get him to open up about what is happening and what it means.

He doesn't like to think or talk about it.

🐾 - Do they regress voluntarily? How can you tell that they're regressed?

Absolutely not, and his triggers aren't very clear to anyone but himself and he refuses to tell anyone about what they are.

His biggest regressed giveaway is that he'll seek out physical affection and touch, something that can send him spiraling into a panic attack in his usual headspace.

He also tends to be pretty quiet while regressed and stumble a bit more. We've caught him walking on all fours a few times while regressed as well.

🧳 - How do they deal with regression when you're far away?

Most of the UA staff steps in to help when Nezu drops, though both myself and Eri seem to be his favorites for affection and comfort, he doesn't put up a fuss when he can't find us and has to settle with someone else.

From what I've been told while away he will ask about a "Doctor" when he can't find Eri or me. We don't know who this Doctor is but Toshinori thinks it might be the same "Doctor" who experimented on Nezu before he was purchased by the Hero Commission. I guess Eri and I resemble him in some way? At least, enough that he connects us to him when he regresses.

I've been on and off looking into this "Doctor" with the help of Hawks in the old Hero Commission Files. So far we haven't found anything other than a laboratory name and some old documents on Nezu's stay at the Commission.

🎈 - Free space! Share a regression hc of your f/o

I've headcanoned for a very long time that Nezu use to be very jealous of Regressors. The ability to return to a childlike headspace, to be naive and innocent again.

I think on some deep level he wants to just be an animal, with only thoughts of his next meal and looking out for predators. All these human thoughts, this high level brain, it's not what his body was built to handle, he'd love to just be able to turn it off.

But at the same time the moment he starts involuntarily regressing and becomes something akin to a Toddler again he wants nothing more than for it to stop.

He's not ready to be vulnerable again, to be young and dumb again, to be pet and held and loved without all the toxic history bubbling up again and again.

He doesn't want anyone involved in his history or his private life, and this suddenly being a very affectionate toddler again is making that very difficult.

[daisys-reality]

Hey hey! Excuse me if I'm bothering but I'd like to ask something! 🙇🏾‍♀️

Your readings are so good and are so well to put together! So if you don't mind me asking how exactly do you learn tarot to get so good at it? And how do you make your readings flow so nicely? I always do it card by card so it seems as though the subject sharply changes. Overall I'd love to know your process of doing readings! :)

heyy @herladysrealm you're not bothering me, don't worry😊✨ thank you so much for the compliments! I will try to answer your questions as good as I can. (Sorry for how lengthy it got 😅)

Regarding what I did to get 'so good' at it, I just started doing readings for myself and for some irl friends first, then I randomly started with personal requests here on tumblr 2021/2022... and doing pac readings was also a very spontaneous decision! I just felt like there was not that much tarot content on reality shifting when I started my shifting journey, that's why I decided to do it myself lol. To be honest, with tarot readings you'll always feel like you don't really know what you do.😂 Even now, after having done so many readings and after receiving so much positive feedback, I still always feel like that! So, just go for it. Be brave, be confident and start posting! I personally did listen to some subliminals, so you could try that too if you want. And I also watched a lot of tarot videos on YouTube before buying my first deck! I really liked how they interpreted the cards and I learned a lot from it too! Everything else is just practice I guess.

Regarding how I do my readings... I want to mention first that I have my own space where I have all my tarot/oracle stuff and I only do readings there and nowhere else! I keep that space always clean, I air the room often, I also have some plants there and all my crystals and candles, so that there is always a constant pleasant atmosphere! It is pretty important for me because I can always easily get in the right headspace when I'm there.

When I plan on doing a PAC reading, the process usually looks like this: I usually look for pictures on pinterest first and then create the layout in my tumblr drafts on my phone. Once I have done that, I sit down in the space I told you about, I prepare my stuff: I get my laptop, put on some playlist, open web-tumblr and google docs, I put on a candle and do a very short meditation where I ground myself and set my intention to do a reading now and where I ask to receive clear guidance, answers and messages for my reading. As I usually have a topic by then, I think about which deck to use and about how to approach this topic (- sometimes I make a plan beforehand, other times I just start intuitively!) and then I get my everything ready. Regarding how I get my cards, I do both - I take the cards that fall out while shuffling and I also draw the cards myself. I do have some other little habits like knocking on my deck before shuffling and stuff like that but I leave those out here. I usually get all the cards I need and then I analyze the situation. I don't like having too many cards so I always try to keep it minimal -> I have a few tarot cards for the main message and then I just add oracle cards or my self made messages if I want to have more clarification. I do look up the meanings of some cards at times because I like to have all the possible perspectives in mind and then I just start writing on my laptop (in google docs)! I usually just get in the flow of writing and things pop up in my mind - so it all just happens somehow.😅 Also, I usually don't do all piles at once because they tend to get so long. So, I sometimes do the other pile a few days later - it really depends on my mood... Or sometimes I get the cards for a pile, do an overview of things (with keywords) for what I get and then I do the writing of that pile a few days later but those piles usually get a lot longer unfortunately. After finishing writing everything down, I proofread my piles, edit them perhaps a little so that they look more structured and then I copy paste them into web-tumblr! Towards the end, I put all the cards back, shuffle the decks , knock on them, (imagine/visualize them being cleansed,) clean my space/table up, put off the candle and do a short meditation again where I express my gratitude and state that I release all the energy from the reading (we don't want any lingering energies💀) and that I claim my own energy back to ground myself again.

Regarding writing style, I just picked up a few habits from my time in university I guess! (Ex. having one main topic per paragraph, having more lengthy paragraphs than shorter ones, using conjunction and stuff like that but I think those are just those main rules for academic writing). Though, if you have any other questions, just ask me! I hoped this helped you somehow 🖤🫂

[spacejammie-eimmajecaps]

Anon's situation is very relatable. I have a fic around that length that I have been working on for more than 2 years, I didn't think it would take so long, I still have a lot left to write, I have chronic illness that drain my energy and make me write slow, and I have been burned out to the point of wanting to quit.

When at that point, a break needs to happen and it needs to last long enough to actually be restful and restorative.

Trust me, a few days isn't going to cut it, probably not even just a few weeks either if this is the first real break you've had since you started writing your fic.

I had to take 4 or 5 months off once when I was in a "this isn't fun anymore and I want to quit" headspace and I felt SO MUCH BETTER after that break, was so ready to write again without it feeling like a burden. I have always, always, ALWAYS been happy about taking a break once I finally do it, and I always feel like I write better if I let myself have time to rest.

Another thing worth mentioning is that it would be best to build some habits that prevent burnout from reoccurring.

For me that means regularly taking breaks even if it doesn't feel necessary and making sure I spend plenty of time doing other things I enjoy.

Writing shouldn't be the only thing we do with our free time.

And if something in your mind tells you you'll finish faster if you spend all your free time writing, ignore that, it's not true. You won't finish faster because you'll hit burnout again and again, you'll have less fun, and you might even be disappointed with how your story turns out.

I always take a week or two off after finishing a chapter, and I try to limit how much time I spend writing in a day and how many days in a row I write. This has drastically reduced how often I experience creative burnout.

Oh, also, try not to think about how much more time it will take to finish. If you're too focused on reaching the end, you won't be able to enjoy the process. I know that for me, when I stopped giving myself deadlines to post by and just allowed myself to leisurely explore each chapter, I started having way more fun.

It does take me a while to post chapters (usually a month or two in between), but it's much better for my physical and mental health to go at that pace. And whenever I apologize to my readers for taking so long, they always assure me they are fine with waiting and want me to put my health first.

Anyway, give yourself the gift of taking a break!

Go read books and other people's fics, go watch some shows, go listen to music, go do some puzzles, go draw, go paint, go spend time outside, go for walks, go make little arts and crafts projects like you're a kid again, go find other things that are fun and relaxing.

Don't think about writing for now. Tuck your story away in the back of your mind and trust that you can get it out again when you're ready.

The story isn't going anywhere, and your readers will wait. They would probably urge you to take a break if they knew how you're feeling.

I'm over 350k words into writing a very long fic that's about halfway done, and lately, I feel like quitting. I've considered posting the outline as a final chapter to give people closure and then just walking away from it.

But I also really want to be able to actually finish it because the story means a lot to me. Whenever I think about calling it quits, I can't do it.

I feel trapped between not wanting to work on it anymore and wanting to finish this story that I've already poured so much time and love into. I want to finish it as much as I want to quit. But the idea of going on is almost agonizing.

Part of why I've been wanting to quit is because my health went downhill about 8 months into working on it, and it has only got worse since then, and that makes chapters take a long time to finish. I'm very slow to update and it makes me feel bad for the readers who are waiting for more. It's not like that many people are waiting, there isn't too much pressure in that sense. It's a rarepair and the fandom isn't as active as it used to be. But there are some people who are excited to know what happens next, and I feel like I'm letting them down by taking so long. I'd probably let them down even more if I didn't write the rest of it, though.

Another reason I've been wanting to quit is that I've been working on this fic for a few years already and it's going to take a few more years to finish, and that is overwhelming. I'm exhausted from such a long commitment to something creative. I've never spent longer than 6 months on a fic before and didn't think this one was going to take so long.

The final reason is that my writing style has changed in small ways over the course of working on the fic and I feel like older chapters are not as good as the newer chapters and I'm sort of losing confidence in myself. I don't enjoy reading my old fics because all I see are the things I'd change, and I feel like that's starting to happen with this fic.

This is supposed to be fun and I'm not having fun right now.

I don't know what to do.

Do you have any advice?

*hugs* the first thing I want you to do, anon, is take a deep breath. hold it. let it out.

It's going to be okay. ❤️

You've got a lot of different emotions going on right now and a lot of different reasons for feeling them. You need to stop trying to push them away and "get on with things" because that's just like shoving your mess into the closet. Eventually that door isn't going to shut anymore.

You also need to take care of yourself before you worry about your readers. They'll still be there later. New ones might come by in the meantime. If you're putting your readers' presumed wants and needs ahead of your own, you'll eventually start to feel resentful towards them for "forcing" you to do something you don't want to (or just can't) do right now.

First and foremost, I think you need a break. You're exhausted and you're pressuring yourself to do more than you're capable of. The way you describe things, it sounds like you're pretty burnt out and in need of some recovery time. Berating yourself and forcing yourself and pushing yourself so hard is only going to make it all worse.

You know that old Snickers commercial where the person turns into an ogre or something and their friend gives them a chocolate bar? The tag line is something like "You're not you when you're hungry." Well, you're also not you when you're exhausted. Your brain is currently a toddler in need of a nap, and if it doesn't get that nap then it's just going to have a tantrum and ruin your whole day.

Take a moment and think of this story that you're writing. Why do you want to finish it? Is it because the readers are excited for it? Is it because you've put a lot of work into it already? Is it because you've already spent a lot of time on it?

All of those things might be true, but you said the most important part yourself, right up front, "the story means a lot to me. Whenever I think about calling it quits, I can't do it."

It's not about the readers, and it's not about the effort, and it's not about the time. It's about the story. That's the important thing. And if that's the important thing, then you can write it at your own pace. You can enjoy the writing process of it. You can spend your time imagining scenes that might or might not make it into the final version.

Writing fic is a hobby, and like you said it's meant to be fun. Take it off of your list of responsibilities and put it onto your list of daydreams instead. The only person you're accountable to with this story is yourself. The next time you catch yourself thinking, "I have to-" or "I should-" when you're thinking about this story, stop and recognize that thought. Where is it coming from? Why are you having it? Is it actually true or do you just feel like it is?

Then take a deep breath. Hold it. Let it out. This story is for you first. Take your time with it.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - The Old Switcheroo

*Warning Adult Content*

Emmett

I'm not at all worried about what's about to happen.

I know Finnegan will take very good care of me.

That doesn't mean it's not a little bit weird.

I'm worried about his headspace and mine and I'm worried that there are still a lot of unresolved issues but I also feel like we're on sturdier ground than we have been for weeks. 

It feels good.

Still, bottoming?

I'm worried it'll permanently mess with Finnegan.

I'm going to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen by turning this around fairly quickly but it'll be what it'll be.

First, we need lube and one special thing I brought with me.

He watches as I get into my suitcase but I do my best to hide the toys.

"Come over here, let me at you," he says and I will admit, it's sexy.

I don't know if his tone is different or it's all on me but either way, I listen.

He puts me on my back and gets on all fours above me.

It's a very good start.

He kisses me, then works his way down my chest and with every kiss and flick of his tongue, I relax a bit. 

He learns that I am a sucker for nipple play because I sound like a wanton whore when he gently teases one with his teeth. 

He makes me crazy and when he slides down my stomach and takes me in his mouth I gasp but he doesn't stay there long.

He teases my balls, then hikes my knees up and works himself lower.

Confession, no one has ever rimmed me.

My hands end up fisting the sheets and it takes me a moment to relax but once I do, bliss.

"Damn, that's... God that feels good, darling."

His fingers join in and he's working me open patiently.

It's kind of him and the last remaining tension leaves my muscles.

I make him turn so I can get at him a little and he obliges.

He's being so careful that I have to pull him down a bit lower so I can really get at him and I start licking him from base to tip and playing with him.

I work a finger in as he gets the second in to me and it's sexy as hell, this reciprocated play.

Before he decides I'm ready and moves, I press the toy against his bud and push it gently in.

"Emmett."

"You're going to love it and this way while you're fucking me, you're getting fucked too."

He has to come before I do for my plan to work and this will pretty much guarantee that happens.

"I want you so much, darling. Come fuck me."

Finnegan

My ass is buzzing, he's been working on my cock with his amazing mouth and all of that overrides any nervousness I may be feeling.

"Are you okay on your back or do you want to flip over?"

"I'm gonna flip, babe, so you can really pound me."

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

I lean back to give him some room to maneuver and soon that glorious man is on his hands and knees in front of me.

I lube my cock well and drizzle more along the crack of his ass.

I simultaneously can't believe I'm going to do this and can't wait.

"Ready, Emmett?"

"Hmm. I'm all yours, sweetheart."

It's been years since I did this.

Did I forget how tight, how perfect, it feels?

I press myself in slowly, giving him a few moments to get used to me before I really start working myself in deep.

By the time I'm fully seated I already want to release, already.

"You feel so good."

He hasn't said much but the sounds coming out of his mouth are sexy as hell.

"Damn it , Finnegan. Give me that dick, I can take it."

I start slow but soon realize that...

"I'm not going to last two minutes, you're so damn tight, feel so good."

He flicks his head to the side in an attempt to get his hair out of his face and I decide to handle that for him.

I run my hand up his back and slowly gather his hair into my hand.

When I reach the top of his neck I give it a little tug and drive my cock deep.

The moan that comes out of his mouth makes me want to do it again and that's it, I'm not going to stop now.

My hips take over but he's not going anywhere, not with his hair in my fist.

"Shit, Finnegan. Yes," he gasps.

It's all the encouragement I need.

Every time I thrust, the toy moves in delicious ways and it's absolutely too much stimulation at once.

He sounds perfect, feels unbelievable and I am cumming way before I want to but I can't hold back, it hits like a freight train and I lose myself for a minute.

I collapse against his back and manage to pull out.

We end up flat on the bed holding each other awkwardly.

"I love you so much, darling," he tells me, his voice muffled by the pillow.

And I love him. too.

This man is willing to leave his house to make me happy.

I like to tell myself that he's proud because he hates to let me do things for him and maybe he is but he's willing to let me do anything to him and he'd do anything for me.

"I love you too, Emmett."

Maybe he'll do one more thing for me... I think he wants to.

As soon as I mutter those words he shifts out from underneath me and I end up on my stomach on the bed.

"My turn," he whispers before pulling me back and lifting my hips into the air so I'm propped on my knees on the edge of the bed.

He pushes the toy in deeper and then slowly, slowly pulls it out.

"I hope you enjoyed yourself, darling because you're not going to like this."

It's like a switch in my brain flips.

My breathing hitches and my balls tighten even though I just came.

He pushes the toy back in quickly, making me moan, then pulls both my hands behind my back and holds them with one of his his.

I never fuck when I can't get off but somehow the fact that I can't is just adding to the mental games my brain is playing and it's good, so good, right now.

I'm like a swimmer trying to keep his head above water and finally give up.

I'm getting swallowed by 'Little Space' steamrolled by my Emmett and I give in.

"Emmett..."

"Shh. I'm going to do what I want and give you what you deserve. Can you be a good boy?"

'I can... I am a good boy.'

He spanks me twice, hard, jostling the toy with each smack.

"Answer me."

Two more smacks rain down before he yanks the toy out and pushes in with one thrust.

"No, Emmett. No."

He releases my arms and I try to use them, try to move forward away from him but he just laughs at me.

"No, no. I..."

I can't take it but I want to and he will make me.

"You will stay right here, babe."

He slows down just a bit and I can finally catch my breath.

"You're going to take me all damn night. I'm going to seed your tight little ass, plug you back up and then use you again after dinner. Then I'll do it again before bed. Maybe that'll be enough to teach you a lesson."

He fucks me long and deep and I am on overload.

All that matters is making him shoot and release as hard as he deserves to.

"I need you. Fill me up, Emmett."

He loves that and soon he's cumming hard, pressing in deep.

"I missed you, 'Finn'."

And I've missed him, too and this.

I've missed this so, so much.  

[keefwho]

March 09 - 2024 Saturday

11:48pm

2/10

This morning I took a bit before taking my shower. I just didn't feel like doing it so early, I think I was peeking at the Bumble BFF app for a bit and then I finished my profile while in the shower. When I got out, I made eggs, spam, and oatmeal for breakfast with some applesauce. I was perusing Bumble while I cooked and ate, seeing a BUNCH of the same kinda of people. Same interests I mean, very basic stuff and almost all Christian/conservative. It really feels like these people are churned out of a factory. So no luck with Bumble but I didn't really put much stake in it to begin with. I knew if I didn't stop that I would just be scrolling all day so I dawdled for a little bit before trying to find some company in VRchat. Everyone was busy today. In VR I found a couple of sort of chill people but they left to play chess. Then I was stuck with this guy who recognized the marsminer name in my bio and of course he was very weird. I stayed longer than I wanted to, mostly just being silent and answering whatever silly question he had next. When I got off, I took some 'me time' before lunch. Lunch was tuna spaghetti because I was feeling sort of lazy/sad. After eating I kinda got stuck in my own head awhile. Eventually I saw David was playing Helldivers in his server so I decided to join just to shift my attention elsewhere. It barely worked, I still felt like shit but the important part is that I wasn't alone. I tried not to make the call about my problems deliberately. Halfway through Helldivers, Daisy was free to call on her drive home so we did that. At this point my chest was tight and I felt on the verge of a panic attack until she got home and was in bed. I don't know why, maybe everything was just building up inside me. In bed I hadn't wanted to but I did maybe a 5-10 minute rant about how awful today was and how I don't know what I'm doing in general. It seemed to not be the night for this really and I wish I had handled my emotions better today. I let her go to sleep and then I had a long, 2 hour call with Jared. We talked about so much and as usual he had some pretty good advice to go along with the solid plan I already had. After that I scarfed down my cold dinner and got ready for bed.

~~~

Today fell apart so badly because I literally had no one to talk to today. Maybe I should have just tried texting at least. I can't always rely on people to pull me through the day but today I did just need someone for at least a little bit, just to hang out with. Today I made the painful realization how much I've been strangling reassurance out of people as a way to test them and set my mind at ease. But it's unhealthy and manipulative. I only hope I haven't done too much damage already, I intend to stop this going forward now that it really hit me. Tomorrow I'm gonna come up with some plans I can follow when I get in certain headspaces so I can do something more helpful and healthy. The thing I want first and foremost right now is to be a good friend, and that means I have to make important decisions. One of those is to really appraise what it is I'm actually doing to my friends. And also taking care of myself properly so I have the capability to do good. I am driven so strongly to improve and do good in the world.

3 things that made me happy today:

Daisy calling me on her way home.

Chatting with Bramble about my behavior.

Talking to Jared about our feelings.

[callmeghostly]

Okay, well this is going to be different from my horny weeb content but I don't know where else to post it...

TW: Mental Health discussions, trauma dumping (possibly), General Angst

if you are not in a good headspace to read this, don't. please - Take care of yourself, I'll be back to my regularly scheduled shit posting after this brief message.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay -

To make a long story short, I'm.. I don't know what is going on anymore. I feel like a shell of myself, an empty husk.

To clarify;

these last few months I have been back and forth about being an absolute shell of myself, In November I lost my job without any real reason - Not to worry though, I started a new job this past Tuesday, this will come back up later.

I also have been in a relationship for the last, almost 6 years (again, this comes into play shortly)

Now, none of you know who i am, or what I am like outside of this chaotic website, which is why I'm sharing it here. I have been slowing spiraling and I have no one to talk to about it so I'm going to scream it into the fucking abyss and hope that works.

This last week while it should've been happy and refreshing, has been absolute bullshit and hell in a handbasket. I've been feeling some type of way about my relationship for months now - Am i comfortable? you're supposed to feel like roommates after the initial honey moon phase, he's just not the affectionate type, Etc. The more time I spend online the more i don't find myself 'awwing' at couples, I feel jealous, unloved and unwanted - I'm 24, I should know that EVERYONE on the internet is only going to show the best side of themselves, and I do.. so I can't help but find myself confused over all of this. I've noticed I've pulled away from him, not becuase I want to necessarily. Heres the thing, I know he cares - He wouldn't have been there for me through half of the things he has been if not, but at this point I feel cared for - not loved, and only cared for out of obligation.

On top of this, I feel like my strongest assets are not knowing how to communicate with people effectively and by proxy, pushing those people away.

I feel like the fights I get into, both with my partner and my friends, are due to lack and breaks in communication in tone. Which is definitely something I need and am trying to work on.

In this last week I have gotten into, verbal disagreements we'll say, with two of the people in my life, on the same day and ever since then, I've been foggy mentally.

So, lets wrap back around -

I started my new Job this past Tuesday, it was fine - however due to my fucked sleep schedule from being out of work for 2 months I had been up since 12am and I had to set through training from 8:30-5. I was fucking tired and ready to just crash, however that same night content that I had been waiting on dropped, now something to note - My partner and I have a 2 bedroom apartment, one we use as an office- I get very loud and obnoxious when I see things I enjoy, which he doesn't like to listen to me scream (which is fair) so I told him, possibly rather harshly to admit my own fault, to give me a few minutes becuase I knew I'd be screaming (from excitement) or he could put his headset on, and That pissed him off and other than some hurtful words we didn't talk much therefore ruining both any appetite or enjoyment for the content I was watching, never the less I tried to do both and regardless, my night was soured regardless.

Moving forward from that, I trauma dump on one of my friends - she was so gracious to listen and I would like to be clear, I am in no way trash talking her or this situation. I know she may see this (If you do, Hi I love and appreciate you, I promise) I just... Need to frame the situation. She listened, gave me advice and tried to make me feel better, in turn I came across as an absolute dick, misreading a conversation and upsetting her causing her to log off for the night.

5 days later, I can't shake either of these incidents and to them, life is back to normal, and here I am - Screaming at strangers on the internet for someone to care.

I don't know what to do, I feel like a cornered animal with no outlet or way way of escape - I just, I want to fall in love with being alive again and I feel like that is the worlds hardest ask - I'm slowly shutting myself out and down..

There is no way to wrap this up peacefully, light heartedly, or humorously. There are so many other things I could add to this, and while no one is going to read this - It's gone on for long enough. So, I'll end it here.

Moral of the story; Take care of yourself, try to love yourself first and maybe things will turn out okay for you.

to whoever may see this, I'll always be here for you all if you need someone to that, I promise.

Sincerely,

Ghostly

[ruringas]

Current state of mind

Another long, rambling diatribe about my trying to divine my identity;

I'm starting to wonder if maybe, my brain has been screaming at me about this for a long time, because I remember abouts when I first started experiencing depression was also about when I first started to look into LGBT stuffs...

And now that I feel like I'm really close to figuring it all out, it's suddenly... lessening... It's not gone, I've given up hope of that ever happening, but for a little while now it's just been getting inexplicably quiet every so often and in 10 years I've never had that happen, it usually takes meds to make it this quiet and even then isn't permanent, but I haven't taken any and there's no other explanation I can think of other than, well, knowing myself better...

Maybe it's some kind of self-confidence boost, but I'm not sure, I've had some body image issues bubble back up to the surface too, probably due to looking at myself under the microscope, ones that I formed habits to hide long ago and I almost forgot they were there... I still don't feel right exposing my arms, or legs, or chest... in the back of my head, I'd chalked it up to weight worries in the interim, but I've lost weight since (not all of it, but a nice amount I like to think) and it doesn't feel that way, it feels like it was the outer wrapping of something else...

I can tell I'm taking a little better care of myself too. Not supremely, and not consciously, but a little. I'm washing more, caring about what I wear, eating better, drinking more water, etc... I'm not sure exactly how closely attributed that difference is, but given it started at about the same time.... It's not all been good either though, I keep shaving repeatedly for instance. Couple days ago, I shaved myself over and over and over, I was covered with razor burn but I kept going... On the one hand, I feel like I'm getting overall better but on the other, I feel like I'm developing whole new issues. Part and parcel with this whole self-discovery deal, I guess... I shouldn't be surprised that it's making me feel a little fragile, considering "Hide your feelings from everyone and put on a mask" has been my default headspace for years and years now, not exactly used to all this stuff when I've been trying to pretend it doesn't exist for so long....

I feel overall better though. I still feel a little scared about that final step, I feel like I'm stood at the doorstep of who I really am, and I'm scared what opening that door will do. I'm scared that I won't like me as much as I think I do, or that everything will change and feel different when I do. And I'm terrified that I have absolutely no idea where to go from there, no clue how to take that me and make it real. And then the idea of making it real makes me worry about if it'll make me feel self-conscious or give me anxiety...

But I know what I feel feels righter than anything. I know that the feeling of going back and trying to forget about it all is just horrible and disgusting. I feel like I'm so so close to being ready, I'm just worried that everyone else won't be, and even if I work up the courage to eventually say it, that everyone else won't see it.

[septiccoffeefreak]

Am I named after anyone: Yes, in the same sense Tommy is technically named after someone. I kept my source name.

When was the last time I cried: not super comfortable sharing this one

Do I want kids: I don't particularly care either way. Kids are nice but I don't have any desire to have them or be around them, nor any repulsion from them. They're just like....there. like yeah that sure is a child. Okay. Cool. When I'm already around a kid I feel compelled to make sure they've eaten and are doing okay, sometimes I give advice and shit when I can, but I don't go out of my way to interact with them? I don't actively desire kids, but if Tommy decided he felt ready for it and wanted to adopt a kid, and the rest of the system was on board too, I would happily step up. For now though, neither of us can really see kids happening- at least not for a long, long time.

Do I like sports: Nope. Not my thing.

Sarcasm: what could possibly have given you that idea? In what world would I make a sarcastic comment? /Sar

First thing I notice when encountering something: I actually don't know? I feel like I don't really notice anything I just take things in all at once. I don't even really think about what it is or is used for, I just roll with everything? I see a thing and I have no thoughts on it whatsoever. If you put a chair in front of me I'll see it but I won't think about it, I'm not thinking about what color it is or what It's used for or anything, the train stops at noticing that it's even there. So....I notice it exists. That's what I notice, unless it's particularly interesting. Then I usually think of how it relates to concepts or people; does it have Halloween vibes, is it something Tommy would like, is it "cotagecore" or some other aesthetic label, do I personally like it? Etc.

Eye color: also blue

Scary movies or happy endings: scary movies. Although I will point out those aren't necessarily exclusive- sometimes the threat is defeated and/or there's a "final girl".

Talents: to be honest I struggle with recognizing these so I'll go from what other people have complimented me on- being witty and sarcastic, and being calming or "safe" to be around. And art, apparently. I always forget people actually like my stuff.

Place of birth: same as Tommy, or alternatively you can use my source's or just say N/A.

Hobbies: listening to music, watching video essays, watching or even just learning about horror, and just...relaxing, I suppose. I also write poetry, which I keep to myself. Introvert shit.

Pets: Same as Tommy.

Height: headspace height is the same as source- 5'8 - and something me and Tommy like to point out and joke about it how odd it is that his source is taller than mine, but I'm the same height as my source and yet my Tommy is shorter than even me. Or, us, I guess. The body we live in is also closer to Tommy's height than mine, so sometimes I wear platforms to help me feel less disoriented, although usually I just give it five minutes and let myself adjust to feeling like my legs are too short. After a while you learn to filter out the uncomfortable feeling and stop being conscious of how different the body is- that goes for more than just height, too, fronting without severe dysphoria usually involves some amount of accepting and ignoring all the ways things are different.

Favorite school subject: Tommy holds most of our school-related memories, but I personally enjoy learning about philosophy (which Tommy likes too, to be fair), architecture, and game design. Also, Economic, political, and social issues, although of course that ties back into the philosophy bit; but doesn't everything? Anyway this is the part where you call me a leftist cuck and ask if I've dyed my hair blue yet

Dream job: I genuinely can't think of a job I would find fulfilling. Don't get me wrong I like cooking and I like having a clean space and being productive, but I just... can't pick a career path?? I like building things but I don't want to build furniture every single day of my life. I know the "I can't imagine a future under capitalism" answer is kind of a killjoy and a copout, but even looking at it from the angle of answering via what I would spend the most time on or have the most fun doing; I just don't know. I don't have an all- consuming interest in one thing, I have a passive to medium interest in a lot of things. Beyond things like showering and eating, I don't think I could do one thing day in and day out. Actually, maybe this is the part where you call me a leftist cuck. I dabble in things, okay, I'm a dabbler, Leave me alone!

Tagging: anyone who feels like joining in.

tagged by @sabakos

named after anyone? A passed-on family member, but only for the first letter

last time I cried? Some weeks ago, I think? I'm not sure what about, I suspect my medication makes it harder to cry

kids? I like the idea of them, but it would be a major change in my life and I might mess them up. Also I'm not entirely sure antinatalism is incorrect; there's a nonzero chance of making someone who would've preferred not existing in the first place. Does that outbalance everyone else?

sports? Did Taekwondo from 11-18, taught for the last 3 years of it. Only sport I ever really liked or excelled at.

sarcasm? occasionally

first thing I notice about something? What it ought to be used for?

eye color? Green

scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings, I'm a weenie in scary movies, unless the focus is on more abstract ideas or horrors I can enjoy.

talents? Good at math/games?

place of birth? Florida

hobbies? DOTA, learning makeup, dance, reading, math (not as much as I feel I should)

pets? None at the moment

height? 5'6"

favorite school subject? Math. I was good at it.

dream job? Chief Quant of tinkering with little research and models and everyone respects my knowledge

tagging @tommyssupercoolblog @self-loving-vampire @thirteen-jades @lumsel