#but i do walk outside sometimes... when i dont feel like poop

[perrys-place]

i got a new silly friend from the toy store :) the bestest news is that they are so cute and fluffy and make queeky noises and i love them sm their name is barnaby peanut butter and they are my precious pupper

bad news is that they feel rlly itchy on my hand when im touching their fur :( n it sucks cuz the fur feelsrlly soft and i rlly liek the texture. ill try sunbathing the guy in the morning tomorrow so that uhmm maybe the germs on them can get burned or somethig 

i will post pics of barnaby soon becuz i luv them lots :o3 <- what barnaby looks like

[nathank77]

10/2/24

My mom's pain is worsening and she's running a fever and has high blood pressure.. I wish I had gone... bc she was doing well until recently which is why I stayed home and finished my laundry.... which i feel like bc all i used was dish soap and water and I dried the drum isn't enough...

I know the washer is clean bc i used a FUCK TON OF BLEACH. ALMOST A HALF GALLON....to clean the washer..... but the dryer you can't really use chemicals..... so I used fucking dish soap and water on paper napkins....my laundry is done other than the poison ivy pants and the poop pants... which I'm actually washing 3 or 4 times in burning hot water... if they get ruined so be it... I'm being overly cautious for a reason....

I combined them bc I mean i can actually see the poop on the pants... and I mean idk if the poison ivy pants have poison ivy on them but just incase....

I feel like my other clothes aren't even clean bc I don't think dish soap and water is enough even with a heat cycle.... bc I mean poop and pee are fucking gross and I don't want them in my washer or my dryer... and I mean the drying cycle isn't hot enough to kill all germs...

So I feel like I'm going to be wearing Riley poop and pee bc of the dryer not the washer but my laundry was sky high and my room was a disaster...

NOT TO MENTION I THINK ALL MY CLOTHES ARE COVERED IN POISON IVY BC I DO MY LAUNDRY IN COLD WATER... I DONT WANT TO RUIN ALL MY CLOTHES BC RILEY BRUSHES UP AGAINST ME. SO I FEEL LIKE ONCE I WEAR MY BOXERS OR ANY OF THE CLOTHES I WASHED MY HOODIES, ILL GET POISON IVY ON MY FACE FROM THE HOOD AND ON MY DICK AND ON MY ASS.

I'm so fucking uncomfortable bc they don't get it. I can't live like this. Unfortunately I locked Riley up for about 4 hours so I could eat, shower, and transport 2 of my laundry loads back and forth without getting dog hair and germs all over my clothes which would just make me rewash them... I feel bad but I had to do it. She's been out most of the day but I still feel like an asshole.

Laundry day was always stressful for me.. adding Riley in and her contaminates just makes it pure hell. I wonder when I'll get poison ivy and where. I'll fucking kill myself if I get it on my face or my dick or my ass. I'll fucking end it the second it appears.

So yea I'm fucking fed up with my family. As pictured below liv left a steaming pile of Riley's shit on the carpet all day since 11 a.m.... and beyond that!!! I took Riley out after releasing her from the crate from her 4 hour stay... and played with her on the long line... then I brought her back in... cause I'm not a complete monster I just won't be reliable about it bc well I said I didn't want a dog for a reason!!!!

And then she was, "herding" me to the door. She kept looking at the poop on the floor and walking to the door to be let out. So I was like fuck it. Sometimes the train isn't ready to move until it is especially if you hold it in.... so I took her back out... and she didn't poop.... I took her out twice in 30 minutes. I spent like 25 of those minutes outside.....

Then she came in and took another steaming pile of shit on the carpet and she fucking stepped in it. I hate my family.

Now that my mother is doing bad again and prob getting the bag tomorrow... I'll have to lock Riley away and cope with my emotional distress about locking her up, not spending enough time with her, and my mother having to shit in a bag on her stomach for the rest of her fucking life.

While also wondering when I'll get poison ivy. And where I'll get it.

I made a sandwich for dinner and despite Riley being crated the entire time somehow her hair ended up on my plate under the bread..... so I fucking didn't eat the bread...

I just ate two pieces of cheese and Califlower burgers..... I'm so fucking fed up. Look at my living room.

I love the fucking dog and with everyday I get more attached to her but I mean I can't live like this.

Let's say she leaves tomorrow. By the time I recover from her fucking up my house and my life and my ocd it'll be 6 months to a year before I believe poison ivy isn't on every surface. Before I believe i won't get poison ivy from my boxers. Or get e coli or other bacteria from her poop being everywhere.

I'm fucking disgusted. Actually disgusted. And I might just kill myself when my mother comes home. I can't do it while she's in the hospital but tbh.... this is too much for me.... it's not getting easier... my ocd is getting worse and more complexed.....

Sure okay certian things I thought were bad don't have the weight they used to have... but that's bc poison ivy. Poop and urine are on every surface. And that's all I can think about. And I can't cope with this level of ocd.

The sad thing is in the right environment I could recover fully from my ocd. I may never be able to scrub the toilet water but I could do almost everything else. Actually prob everything else. I could even own a dog if I had a normal yard and we potty trained it and the shits were little.

But this is so fucked and I have not felt clean or safe since the moment this dog walked in the house.

When I put on my poison ivy boxers and my dick grows painful bumps and fucking ozoozes I'm going to kill myself but I can't fucking ruin all my clothes in multiple hot washes just incase she touched poison ivy.

So I guess I'll be forever uncomfortable. Scared and once my mom comes home if they don't get rid of the dog I'm killing myself. I'm done. I can't live in this stress. I can't deal with all these nasty contaminates.

Maybe I'll do it even sooner cause tbh this isn't fair I'm actually disabled.

Sure nothing has happened YET!! THE KEY WORD IS YET. YET. I WILL FEEL THAT WAY FOREVER UNLESS THE EXPOSURE IS SLOW AND STEADY AND CONTROLLED

[twelve-twelve-eleven]

I’ve Had Enough P2 - Rafe Cameron

caution: rafe x reader, crying, talking about drug abuse, drug addiction, kinda toxic relationship, children, swearing

a/n: HELLO ONCE AGAIN :) I saw one person say to make a part 2, so ta-da! we are here. im telling you, i didn’t want to make a part 2 (because i am lazy) but i have nothing better to do. my grammar and spelling can be poop at sometimes, so please bare with me :) 

a/n 2: IT HAS BEEN ALMOST A FUCKING YEAR SINCE I DID THIS STORY DJSLFAJLFLJDL WHAT. anyways im completing this so it gets off my “perfectionist list”.. *thumbs up*

Part 1  Part 3

words: 803

outline: rafe and you moved in together after your second child was born. but of course, rafe’s addiction didn’t ease up. in fact, it go worse. you finally broke out after having to deal with it for more than 2 years.

he’ll be fine, he’ll be fine.

you wanted to just leave, but your curious self had to see what rafe was doing. you turned around while still walking forward, but was only shown with the door slamming shut. you flinched, the sound echoing through the night sky. the sound led you to your own daughter’s cries, who was not dying down anytime soon. you shushed her tenderly, bouncing her slightly with your arm. you finally got to the car and grabbed your keys, unlocking the doors with the fob. you strapped your daughter into her car seat first, then went around to the other side to put spencer in. “it’s okay sissy, we’re going to see gigi!” He said, putting his hand out to touch marie. You shut the door and got in the car, turning it on. you backed out the driveway and drove out of your neighborhood. 

leaving him there all by himself made your heart ache, but it was for the total best. you loved him, even through his addiction. you cared for him as he cried into your shoulder, saying he needs to change and he wants to be better. you cared for him when he was too drugged out to even walk. after all, he was your children’s father. even though y’all were two different types of people, fire and water, you guys felt the love connection between you two. rafe knew inside him to run out there, apologize for everything, tell you he will get better, but he knew he couldn’t, the coke had got him. Even if he promised it, he knew that you wouldn’t believe him, just like the other millions of times he promised that he would get better. it took him in whole, giving him the high he needed. but it soon crashed him down, balling him up and throwing him into the garbage. 

You wiped the tears from your face, your mind running rampant. You were mad at yourself for acting that way infront of your children, your young young children who see you and rafe as role models. you didn’t want them to see who they shouldn’t be, screaming and fighting with their loved ones. the pain of just seeing their parents fight and act not-in-love, how they would see y’all in the future or even after today. but you were also mad at rafe, for speaking broken promises, for letting his children see him do drugs, drugs that could ruin your mind and ruin yourself overall. 

you turn into the ihop parking lot, identifying the car your mother drove. the roadtrip was long enough to quiet down both of your children, spencer glancing outside to window. you hopped out the car, grabbing both children. you walked in the restaurant, feeling your eyes burn. as you walked up to the person at the front, your mom immediately recognized you and ran up to you. “mom.” you breathlessly said as she wrapped you in her arms. “oh baby.” you dug your head into her neck, the tears pooling in your eyes. you stayed there for a moment before your mom took marie from your hands and y’all started walking toward the table your mother got y’all. you sat spencer down beside you and breathed out, a sort of relief being lefted off your shoulders. your mom was playing with marie, her soft giggles leaving her mouth. spencer leaned into you and your arm wrapped around him, happy to be away from rafe. “mom, i dont know if i can do this anymore.” you spoke up, her face turning towards you.

“his addiction isn’t getting better, he’s be doing it infront of our- our fucking children,” you started to break down at the end. sobs left your mouth as you continued to talk. “he uses our rent money- the money i make for us, makes a-a promise that he’ll quit, he’s said that everytime i caught him. i don’t want spencer and marie to see their father like this.” you cried out. your voice was shallow and tired, the effect of the screaming fit you just had 5 minutes ago. she let you speak, listening and thinking on what to say next. “you need to talk to him, y/n-” she began to say. “i have! i’ve tried! he just goes back to it the next day!” you exclaimed. “when he is sober, talk with him. if he gets loud, keep your cool.” you put your head into your hands, listening to her words. “he has to go to rehab, baby. there is no way around that.” you nodded your head, already planning out the words you will say to him. “you can stay at my house, dad’s gone on a work trip.” she smiled, playing with marie’s soft hair. “alright, i’ll do that.”

[ashfantasyworld]

Ashton

It was the start of me falling for everyone, it was like any other day. I had turned 20 years of age, and had become what we consider in the middle of teens. My tail never does as I want it to, when I try to hide things or feelings. It always blows my cover, and in training I have started to flirt with this good looking human. I seriously melt when I see him, but how the hell do I tell another guy I like him. What if he dont like me? I know I'm ranting now but it's important I promise. I failed him and I failed my Mom, I failed everyone. As I'm writing this letter I am sitting in a cell waiting for the cultists to end me for being unholy. They call me, well I hope someone reads this as i think i will die today. And yes I'm crying. I can't help it. I'm still a kid, well let me tell you my story then. So if you read it you wont be as stupid as i was.

The start of the story is on my 18th birthday, my mom who cares for me alone had made me a cake. And I was eating it with her, as she told me of my dad, and how the humans had come. And I was a mix of Human and Tabaxi and so on, she misses my dad a lot after he died. So she talks about him on a regular basis, but it's okay if she is happy doing so I don't mind listening to it. And well I had plans today to meet up with a guy that looks amazing, and well we have exchanged looks sometimes and he is going to meet me tonight. But I need to train first. I aint so big on using close combat weapons. I rather like to use bows and crossbows but if i can i like to talk my way out of things. So I use most of my day for training, as a tabaxi I have to be combat ready when I'm around 18 to 20 so yeah. When I'm done with my work out I walk to take a shower and damn that's a long process. Have you tried to get fur dry?It's a nightmare. So when I'm done with my 3 hour long chore of showering for 30 min and using 2h 30 min to not smell like a wet dog. Ewww dogs….. It's time to meet up with Thor, it's night now and I have become smaller than what I was. It happens every night. I think it's due to my father and since he was not a cat, I am probably cursed. Thor doesn't mind, he finds it kinda cute, we are going to meet up by the hill so we can watch the stars together. I walk up there with ease as well. I'm a cat and move easily, not like dogs who walk all over the place sniffing pee. So I sit and wait for him, he is so slow I mean I can wait. I remember seeing him walking in, he looked so good. He has a nice beard and looks like something from a story book from the people up north, he sits down beside me. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, and he asks me “what I think is up there”. I think a lot and look up, before I'm reminded of all the stories from my mom about dad. “I think my dad is up there watching over me, keeping me safe”. I can feel his hand touching mine, I tell him “that's okay, i feel the same for him”. He pushes me to the ground so I'm on my back, and kisses me. He sits back up and looks at me, I smile and move and kiss him back. It feels wonderful. I feel warm all over and I'm so happy. We smile and part ways after a while, I am so happy I am falling so hard for him. Everything was so good before I failed him.

Some days pass and well we meet up, hidden from everyone else. He decides that we should keep it hidden from everyone, and that's fine for me. He has become more bossy with me, and makes my decisions for me. But that's okay. I am kinda girly anyways, and I like to have someone in control of me. And well im 4*10 120 lbs so I'm small, and I dress kinda cute. So I am not someone who is in charge, It makes me smile just to think of Thor, my big viking. 

But one day I decided I don't know why but that i wanted to be in a dress for him you know female dress. They look so nice, and damn cute and I have the body to be in one. So stupid as i was i got one to be cute to him, my Mom told me i was always special and thats what she loved about me. And helped me get the dress on, we had to cut a hole for the tail tho. As that damn tail always got in the way, but we did and it looked kinda good. So I went to where I knew Thor usually did hang out. I went there and it did not go so well, as his friends were there and when they saw me. They called me alot, “Abomination, Little girl, Loser, ugly”. You know all the bad words, and Thor even made fun of me, and when I tried to run they caught me. And started to beat me up, I don't remember too much as it got black quickly. What I do remember though is Thor hitting me in my face with his friends. I did wake up later. My dress was bloody and ripped apart, I started to cry and ran to the spot where me and Thor first met. And sitting down made me even more sad, as I remembered him. I cried for a long time, before Thor walked up to me and sat down beside me. He told me it was my fault, and I said sorry so many times. He agreed to be with me if I did not behave like that ever again and made it up to him. It made me so happy I kissed his cheek and asked what he wanted, he said I had to get something for him from the smithy. When I asked what he smiled and said a special sword from the smithy, I agreed I just had to get that and he would be mine. I did not have any money though as i know he just wanted a gift, like i am supposed to give him. So i had to steal it, i said i would be back here in 3 hours to him with the sword. It was still night so I could get it, he smiled as I ran off, I know I can do it for him. I'm so lucky to get another chance after embracing him like that. When I'm at the smithy I manage to sneak my way over the fence, but then I see it. The terror itself, the thing that could be compared with the devil himself. Ewwww a small dog, it even looks like a rat. I was close to throwing up in my mouth, and now I have to touch it. I am sure I was close to dying right there and then. But for Thor I would, so I grabbed the dog. Made my skin crawl, as I held over its tiny mouth it started to lick me. I know how disgusting, that tongue has probs been licking buts and poop and pee and ewwwwwwww. But I did it, I moved the dog carefully to another place as it kept licking me all the way. Gives me even the shivers now as I write this while crying, but I move it far enough away. So I could sneak back in, and well when people are stupid enough to let a window be open, I mean it's like an open invitation. I stop and look at the Female sleeping, she is so cute she is older than me tho, must be like 25 to 30 in human years. But I have a mission, so I go and look at the swords. I'm not sure which he wants so I take the most fancy look, and move to the window. But stop looking at the girl. I feel bad for her. I will make it up to her, but I have to leave. So I leave and run back to Thor he smiles, as I give it to him, I feel so happy for giving it to him now he wants me back. He looks at me and hits me in the face with the back end of it, and pushes me to the ground and keeps beating me. Screaming at me how stupid i am for taking the wrong sword, I try to say sorry and that i love him in between the hits. But he dont stop, he keeps on beating me for a while. I deserve it though. I failed him, how could i be so stupid. 

After a while he stopped and looked at me with piercing eyes, “you failed me” the words kept ringing in my ears. As he walked off with the sword I had stolen from him, I walked home. My mom saw me beaten and bloody. She looks at me and shakes her head, “i am sorry” she smiles and follows me into the bathroom and finds some bandages and ointments to help with my wounds. She spends most of the evening cleaning me up, and treating me, I don't say much at all that night. My head is spinning around, everything that has happened. I slept for almost 2 days. Before someone comes knocking on the door at my house, my mom opens and asks me to come into the living room. I just put the comforter over my head, I do not want to do anything right now. After a good 10 minutes the lady comes into the room, the smith stares at me as I swallow hard. She closes the door behind me and we have a conversation, she told me that stealing is not okay. And doing so could get me killed. She offers me a job to work off what I owe, she says she had one give her a chance once and this was her doing the same. But if I was late or did not show, she would go to the guards. I started working with her smithy. Her name is Cynthia, she was not too pleased with me at the start, but after 6 months of me working there every day. She starts to take a liking to me, and teaches me about hard work. I have not heard from Thor in half a year, and I'm finally starting to get over him. Everyday I meet up, I do most of the labour around the smith like cleaning up and keeping it tidy. As I see her sell things to people and make deals, I smirk and one day I say to her. “Bet i could make more money off it” she smirks and tells me the bet is on i have 1 month to beat her. Every day I do everything I can to sell, I start playing music outside and to lure people in I let them haggle but manage to turn them around. After the month is over I have made 1276 gold 436 more than she made, I smirk and she smiles and tells me I have worked off all my debt. But I don't want to stop working. I ask her if I can continue, and she accepts with a smile. Another year passes. I'm 19 soon, 20 now and I am happy. My life's going great, I have worked with Cynthia and have been helping me alot with my bow skills and I continue to play music. She even managed to get me into playing in an inn every night, and I love it and the people love it. One day a guard walks into the smith, I freeze up as I see him. It's Thor. He is looking at swords. I gulp as he turns around and sees me too, “well well well”. He puts a sword on the table, “so you work here now” I look at him and swallow hard and nod. “That will be 50 gold coins”, he smiles and reminds me of what i did and threatens me. Before he takes it and leaves, which means I have to pay for it. I put 50 gold coins into the chest. Cynthia has seen it all, and we have a talk. I tell her the whole story, she hugs me. And tells me that we will just forget about it, and that it's not worth picking a fight with the guards over it. Another 6 months pass, as I work and people start to know me, and come alot into the smith it has become a place to hang out for some people. Where they can chat and buy stuff. I have turned 20 now, it's a big day and as I get to work. The guard jumps me and chains me down, Thor is standing there and reading up my accusations of being a thief, breaking the rules of the church and deserves to hang. Cynthia looks at me, and tries to talk her way out of it for me, but Thor is not budging. And they take me to the church, after a while the priest comes. They decide to take me to the caves where they can properly please the gods, they move me at night. And get me into this cell, they are not holy they are a cult. Planning to sacrifice me to their gods, they told me that my mom has been tossed out on the streets and Cynthia is facing charges. So that brings me to the end of my letter, of how I failed everyone. Just never do as I did, because of me people are hurt. I am sorry for getting the wrong sword, I am sorry mom for being a useless son and I'm sorry Cynthia you should never have given me a chance. I am ready now, to pay for my sins. This will be updated as the campaing goes on <3

[thepersephonecabin]

Legacy and Bullshit Mindfuckery (fic)

Summary: Luvander has two things for the Adamo’s first child: a gift and a wish.

Please see full tags and warnings AO3

Note: So... How did we get here? Well, basically, when I was writing A Very Adamo Christmas for @foxesonstilts for the @festivebastion exchange I meant to put in a short bit about a Luvander giving Laure and Adamo’s first child a very special gift, but forgot until after finishing FestiveBastion. So I told myself I was gonna write a small addition, and then my latent need to see the airmen recover after the war took over and suddenly I had a 4k+ luvander character study on my hands. And also about halfway through my if-i-dont-write-this-right-now-i-will-never-sleep craze a tiny part of my brain was like “you should make luvander a trans man for absolutely no reason” and I did and actually really liked the way it fit into the story.

So anyway, I hope you enjoy!

-

A day and a half following the birth of Rory Adamo, Luvander found himself on the doorstep of the Greylace Estate once again. Wrapped in one arm, he cradles a soft drawstring bag, cream in color with a light pink ribbon around the top.

He didn’t bother knocking as he shouldered his way through the doorway. Even though he still primarily lived out of the apartment above the hat shop, this place was dragon territory, and therefore as far as he was concerned, it was his home as well.

“Hello?” he called out, slipping his shoes off at the door. Maybe if he was really lucky, Rook would come in and pitch a fit about like he would in the good old days.

Balfour emerged from the lounge with a book cracked open in his hands and questioning eyes. “Oh, Luvander. It’s you.”

“It’s me,” Luvander confirmed. “Where’s the chief and his young lady love? I had something I wanted to bring to them.”

“They’re in their bedroom, I think,” Balfour said before quickly amending, “Oh, no, not like that! I think it was just time to change her.”

“Ah,” Luvander said. “How is the not-so-little tyke anyway?”

Balfour smiled and began leading him up the stairs to Laure and Owen’s room as if Luvander hadn’t been there not two days ago. “Oh, you know. She sleeps and eats and poops and cries. Lucky the three of us don’t room up in the same area of the house as Chief Sergeant and Airlady Adamo or I’m sure we’d all be knackered already.

The three of us. Luvander knew he meant the three Second Wavers outside of Laure of course. Luvander felt a sick little spark of jealousy flare up in his stomach and not for the first time at their mention before he stamped it out with the guilt of it all.

Balfour continued, “Mom and Dad are still smitten with her though. I wager that by the sixth week in they might be out of the honeymoon stage.”

“Sixth? I don’t know if I could make it to the second,” Luvander said. Of course, he was happy to have a little niece to dote on, but Luvander had never seen much draw in the idea of having a baby you couldn’t return to its rightful owners when it began to shit itself.

Balfour laughed good-naturedly, “I think Adamo’s a bit more levelheaded than you, however.”

Luvander shrugged. “Maybe so, but I’ll stick to my instinct and take you up on that bet.”

They’d reached the Adamo bedroom now, and throught the door Luvander thought he could hear the baby’s wordless vocalization (Did most newborns make this much noise when they weren’t crying or was this one just especially talkative, he wondered) paired with Laure’s laugh and the low tenor of Adamo’s voice.

Balfour turned to him, touching Luvander’s elbow softly through his coat. Balfour wasn’t wearing his gloves today, Luvander observed. Good, he thought, he shouldn’t feel like he needed to hide them, especially not here, not with family.

“Before you go in…” Balfour began, “I wanted to ask how you were doing. I know Ghislain sailed out.”

Luvander resisted the urge to grimace. He liked to tell himself he did an okay job of deflecting everyone else’s attention away from his persistent problems with loneliness. On the good days he cracked enough jokes and sarcastic witticisms to keep the people around him too entertained to notice. On the bad days he threw himself into overworking, holed up in his workroom with little sleep and becoming overly perfectionistic about whatever he was working on until he felt like tearing it all apart again. But on the best days Ghislain was home, in this place Ghislain didn’t even think of as his home, but the place Luvander was, which in Luvander’s mind designated it as Ghislain’s home nonetheless.

Balfour, however had always been the one he couldn’t fool, and it was a fact that needled at him constantly. He didn’t enjoy it when others looked past the mask he’d so carefully crafted for himself like one of his custom hats.

Not that Luvander had anyone but himself to blame for that. Balfour always suspected Luvander’s yearning for affection and attention and approval had been more than the average loneliness, but then Luvander just had to go and fuck it up even further.

It had been at least a year and a half or maybe even two when it happened. He, Raphael, Balfour, and Rook had been drinking (because of course they had) in Balfour’s room at the Greylace Estate. These rooms were a damn sight bigger and nicer than the ones in the Old Airman, a fact that Luvander could never parse out about whether he appreciated or was annoyed by. As such, Balfour had set up a couch and a few chairs to fill the space between his bed and the opposite wall. Ever since Raphael turned up again, they’d started having little get togethers one or twice a month, alternating whose place hosted.

Then Thom’d been offered a job as a professor (a real one this time) at the ‘Versity and Rook had come back to Thremedon bitching and complaining the whole way back from whatever adventure they’d been on when they received the letter. Apparently Thom had already begun writing a letter back declining the offer when Rook found out and through some well-intentioned bullying and ripping of half-finished correspondence got Thom to accept. From Luvander’s understanding, Thom had decided immediately to pass on the job in order to continue looking after his older brother, knowing that Rook had very important reasons for staying away from Thremedon. He couldn’t ask Rook to go back there, and he didn’t feel comfortable letting Rook travel alone without eventually winding up dead in a ditch from asphyxiating from his own vomit either. According to him, Rook’s mental health had markedly approved once the Dragonsoul was destroyed and th’Esar’s plans thwarted. He’d finally been able to properly grieve, Thom said, but that didn’t mean he was ready to part ways and risk Rook relapsing without him to drag him out of it.

Rook found all this out and stubbornly refused to go along with that “bullshit mindfuckery” Thom was always practicing on account of the fact that teaching at the University had always been Thom’s dream job, and he would be damned if his little brother threw it away for his sorry ass. After all, while the ‘Versity had improved in regards to letting in more students from poorer walks of life since Thom had been awarded for his work with the Airmen, the same improvement hadn’t come in regards to hiring choices. For all any of them knew, this might be the last time a mollyrat was offered a job at the Empire’s highest learning institution in a long, long time. So, back to Thremedon they came, and Luvander, Balfour and Raphael’s little survivor’s club had expanded from three to four members. (There had always been an open invitation to Adamo as well, but he only rarely took them up on it.)

So, anyway, they’d been drinking thoroughly and Luvander more thoroughly than the rest. It’d been months since Ghislain had come to port- not his fault, some jobs simply took longer than expected- and Luvander was in the pits. That said, he’d been holding it together pretty admirably that night, and it had all been fine until Rook and Raphael left. Raphael said he had Royal Guard duty the next day- it was a job offer Luvander, Ghislain and Raphael had all received from the Esarina herself after she’d almost died by her own guards that night when they’d had to rescue the Adamos. Raphael had been the only one to accept.

But so when Raphael stood up to leave and appropriate one of the Estate’s carriages Rook also decided to leave “before the Professor starts hyperventilating over me” and figured it would just be easier to go back in one carriage. It was, in sober retrospect, a suspiciously sensical thing to come out of Rook Molly’s mouth, but who knew anymore. Luvander didn’t know what kind of bullshit mindfuckery Thom had exposed that man too while they were travelling, but Rook’d been all kinds of weird since they’d come back and by “weird” Luvander meant “vaguely decent.”

The two of them took their leave and after that the details grew fuzzy, but he did remember drunkenly confessing his depression about missing Ghislain to Balfour and Balfour being nothing but supportive as understanding.

“You’re so sweet,” Luvander had told him, slurring his words and cupping the other man’s cheek. “You know that? You’ve always been so sweet, Balfour. Sometimes I wonder how someone as sweet as you got mixed up with all of us selfish ingrates. You always deserved so much better than us. Hell, if you’d never met us assholes, you’d still have your hands.”

Balfour blushed and looked away. “My hands weren’t your guys fault, and even if I don’t have them, I have my girl and all of you. Besides, I’m not so inno-“

And that had been as far as he’d gotten before Luvander launched himself into Balfour’s lap and shoved their mouths together.

Now, it’s important to note that Luvander had always been a touchy drunk. He’s sure he’d made passes at all thirteen of the other airmen more times than he could count while trashed out of his mind. He even had one absolutely disastrous incident with Adamo that had gotten a very stern talking to about appropriate relationships between a superior officer and his subordinates the next morning. Luvander had deeply respected the things Adamo said to him at the time despite the massive hangover he was fighting his way through as he said it and the urge he had to hang himself rather than have this conversation at all. That didn’t mean he hadn’t brought up the irony of it in his speech at Laure and Adamo’s wedding, though.

Which was all to say that Luvander was no stranger to make-out sessions with his friends after a few too many drinks. In fact, drunken fooling around had been the bedrock upon which his entire relationship with Ghislain was founded. Even after Luvander and Ghislain were “official” they’d kept the relationship fairly open because Luvander wasn’t the sort to abstain from sex for months at a time while his lover was at sea. It had simply come with the condition that if anything that strayed from the “casual sex” territory and into the “feelings” territory had be to discussed- Ghislain wasn’t jealous about Luvander being with other people physically, but he was jealous about having to share Luvander’s heart and overprotective at times about the idea of someone taking advantage of Luvander’s emotions.

This had been different though. This kiss with Balfour hadn’t been borne of happy delirium or playfulness like most of his less-than-sober escapades were. This had been borne of deep, deep sorrow. A desperate effort to patch a leak in a dam ready to burst. The other reason it was different was because Balfour had only had had two drinks that night, and Luvander had had at least five times that.

On the bright side, if one had to have such a mortifying experience in their lives, Luvander could think of very few people better to have it with than Balfour Vallet.

The epitome of gentlemanly behavior, Balfour had gently broken off the kiss and softly and without malice told him that they couldn’t do this, not when Luvander was so intoxicated. Luvander had nodded and understood, but then broken into wracking sobs as he blubbered about how fucking alone he felt all the time. Balfour let him cling to him like a security blanket even though Luvander was still straddling him and repeatedly assured him that he didn’t care if Luvander covered his shirt with snot and tears.

Then Luvander woke up the next morning on Balfour’s couch with a blanket draped over him. His clothes were all intact with the exception of his shoes and his binder which he had a bad habit of sleeping in and Balfour knew it. Balfour must have peeled it off once Luvander had passed out along with the boots and then buttoned Luvander’s shirt back up and even replaced his signature scarf. Both binder and boots were now neatly laid out on the coffee table with care.

There were still a few bottles of alcohol too, and ordinarily he might have been tempted to drink them. This time though, he reckoned he’d done enough damage under the influence for one day.

That was about when Balfour appeared, already dressed for the day and carrying a tray of water and coffee. “Oh, you’re awake,” he’d said, kicking the door shut behind him. He sat next to Luvander on the couch and set the tray on the table. “I hope you don’t mind that I took off your…” he said awkwardly, wringing his hands like he always did.

It took Luvander a moment to understand he was talking about the binder. “Oh. Oh no, it’s- Balfour, I know you’d never do anything to me or go further than protecting my ribs from some rather tragic pain in the morning. And it’s not anything you haven’t seen in the showers before. If anything I think when it comes to invasions of peoples’ personal boundaries, I should be the one apologizing to you right now. What happened last night… the way I just went after like that was unconscionable and I promise it will never happen again. In fact, I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest if you never wanted to see me again.”

Balfour looked shocked. “Of course, I don’t want that. What happened last night wasn’t ideal, obviously, but you were plastered and having a rough day. I get it.”

Luvander could’ve both laughed and cry at that. “But it wasn’t just a bad day. It was… Bal, I think I have a problem.” He could practically feel the bile coming up just from saying those words out loud, but he told himself that if there was ever the time to admit it to anyone, this was it so he continued: “I think maybe I always had. Even before Xi’an it was like this, just not as intense or constant. I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to feel unimportant or like I’m not the center of attention without letting it control me. When there were fourteen of us I could ignore it, right? Because there was always someone around, but now…” He wiped away tears with his scarf and adjusted it anxiously. “And, like, the way this place just fucking tossed all of us out like yesterday’s trash the second they didn’t need us anymore and that blasted medal ceremony was over didn’t exactly help.”

Balfour nodded slowly. “I think I know the feeling or at least a fraction of it. I felt so isolated and broken at the end of the war, but even before that I… well, I suppose I always felt like I was second to Amery.”

Luvander felt another pang of guilt. None of them had been sure how to react when Balfour replaced his brother in the Corps, but Rook more than anyone. Before Amery died he’d been the one of them that Rook was closest to, so Balfour’s presence was anything but welcome to him. So, whenever Rook had a problem, Balfour was usually who he took it out on. And Luvander had always just let him. Because sometimes crossing Rook was like crossing god in that house, but it didn’t excuse how cowardly he’d been.

 “Got feminine parts between his legs, airman’s honor.”

That’s what Rook had said about Balfour when he’d tried to be kind to Thom that first day when the Professor had them do introductions. Even then, Luvander, the real one with “feminine parts” among them was sitting right there, and he hadn’t said shit to stop Rook.

(Luvander had always felt Rook didn’t mind trans men as much as he minded trans women. Something about the way trying to be more masculine was seen as noble, while trying to be more feminine made you a Mary in a world where women were always seen as lesser. But he also felt like Rook’s somewhat backwards and begrudging acceptance of Luvander’s presence was conditional, like it was something that he was able to revoke at the barest hint of insubordination. Luvander was tolerated as long as he fought well and shut up and was cruel like him, but that didn’t mean it was real. At least Thom had seemed to have trained some of that out of Rook over the years, but it was still a nagging fear for Luvander.)

Luvander didn’t say any of that. He just said, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it.” I don’t know how to fix me.

Balfour escorted him to the ‘Versity after that and made him talk to Thom about it. Thom being Thom, of course, looked at it as the academic he was. He talked about all kinds of fancy words like ‘schizoid’ and ‘histrionic’ and ‘dependent personality’. Basically, Thom said he couldn’t be sure exactly what the problem was without examining further. But he assured Luvander that there were coping mechanism they could try and that he had colleagues from the ‘Versity that he could ask for more medically focused advice as compared to Thom’s social theory perspectives.

Bullshit mindfuckery, Luvander remembered. As much as he wasn’t thrilled at the idea of Thom “examining” his psyche, he was significantly less thrilled about a perfect stranger doing it. At least he could trust Thom. At least Thom knew jackshit about how the airmen worked beyond the court gossip and bards’ song and those fucking statues that made them war heroes and not real people anymore. At least Thom was there when he woke up on an infirmary bed unable to talk for how deep his throat had been slit only to find out that four out of fourteen of them had come back. Even if Thom had been beside himself with grief, unaware that number five, Rook, was still breathing somewhere out there, at least Thom had borne witness for himself what they’d gone through, and Luvander wasn’t about to have to hash all of that to someone new.

But he couldn’t sit on his hands and not accept help when it was offered. Because he’d made Balfour a promise. He’d promised that he would never kiss Balfour again without fair and honest consent, plastered or not, and he’d meant it. He had so few friends left in this world. He wasn’t about to lose another due to his own selfishness and stupidity.

And so, he gave himself into the bullshit mindfuckery. He’d been meeting with Thom once every one or two weeks (or more than that if something set him off and crisis called for it). It was helping, Luvander thought. Slowly but surely.

Back in the present, Luvander shrugged at Balfour noncommittally. “It sucks, but I’m seeing the Professor tomorrow. And I guess now if I need someone to keep me company I could come and let the baby keep me busy so Mom and Dad can have some alone time.”

Balfour smiled at him. “You could have come over anyway. Well, I won’t push for specifics, but if you want to talk later…”

“I know where to find you,” Luvander confirmed.

Balfour gave him a bigger smile now. “Okay. I’ll let you talk to them then,” he said, and began descending the stairs, leaving Luvander at the at the door to the Adamo’s room.

He knocked briskly on the door and heard the Chief say, “Come in,” from the other side.

When Luvander opened the door, he found Laure on the bed over the covers cradling not-so-little Rory and making faces at her. Adamo was over by the radiator holding a bottle over the heat.

“Ah, I thought I heard someone out there talking to Balfour,” Laure said. “I didn’t know you were coming over today, but then again, I don’t think the pregnancy brain is totally out of my system yet.”

Laved waved moved to sit on the bed at her feet and waved her off with a hand. “It was unannounced. I had a gift for the baby and thought I’d bring it over.”

“Oh, that was thoughtful of you,” Adamo remarked walking over. To his credit, he only let a sliver of the wariness of a man who put up with thirteen uncontrollable ever-pranking monsters with dubious respect for authority for Regina even knows how long it’s been slip into his voice.

Luvander took the drawstring bag from the crook of his elbow and held it in his lap. “Well, I started working on this once you announced she was on her way. I guess I could have given it to you earlier, but it just felt like I should wait to give it to Rory in person. And of course, I didn’t exactly know you would choose to go into labor in a blizzard, so I didn’t have it on me the other night.”

He had a million things to say, a million possible preambles he could make, but he figured it was best to just show them. So, he pulled open the drawstrings, reached in, and pulled the carefully constructed figure of silver-grey fabric and held it up for inspection.

Adamo looked too shocked to say anything. Laure’s mouth had dropped into a soft “o” shape. But Rory had caught sight of her new toy and vocalized with one hand in her mouth and the other reaching out toward him with demanding hands. Bossy, he thought, Like her dad.

“I’m not sure I got all the details right since I was working off memory, plus she never really let me get that close to her anyway, but… Here she is,” Luvander said, because in his hands was a very small plush dragon.

“Is that…” Laure began.

“Proudmouth,” Adamo breathed. “Can I see her?”

“Of course,” Luvander said.

Adamo took it from him as if squeezing too hard would make it turn to nothing in his hands, turning it from side to side to see all the craftsmanship Luvander had put into it. Embroidered patterns where Proudmouth’s metal had been engraved, carefully cut and stabilized fabric made to take the shape of gears, a brass-colored ribbon where brass-colored brass reigns would’ve been. Every detail down to the shape of her claws had taken hours to craft and even more hours of meditating and sifting through bittersweet memories to recover. And here were the fruits of his labor all pieced together. Finally, Adamo let out a breath and said, “Looks just like her.”

“Well when you two starting talking about having kids, I wanted think of something special I could pass down to them, and eventually thought, well, every Adamo needs a dragon, right?” Luvander said. “So, I settled myself of making a different for each of your kids, if you have more that is. And it felt important that Rory got Proudmouth as your firstborn. I think… I think if things had turned out differently than they did Proudmouth could have been her birthright what with the way Anastasia picked two Vallets in a row to ride her.”

Adamo’s face as always was had to read, but somehow with a dragon in his hands, he looked years younger, and Luvander could tell whatever he was feeling he was feeling a lot of it.

Then Adamo smiled and said, “Thank you. It’s perfect, Luvander, really. I guess we should give Rory her girl and see if they choose each other.”

He passed the dragon to his daughter’s grasping hands, and they all watched as Rory immediately pulled Proudmouth to her chest.

“I think that’s your answer,” Laure laughed, dabbing at her eyes.

And in that moment, it seemed to Luvander that the world shone brighter. Welcoming a new generation was always hard, especially when the old one had lost so much, but it felt nice to be able to give the Airmen a proper legacy- one that wasn’t bronzed in statues, written in theses, or whispered behind hands at palace balls. But one that was simple- from father to daughter. And wrapped up in that gifted legacy was a wish, the most powerful wish Luvander had ever made, sewn into every stitch and seam: I wish that the ones who come after us won’t need our bullshit mindfuckery in the first place.

And then, Rook ruined the moment when they all heard a loud bang of the front door opened way too forcefully, followed by “BASTION FUCKING DAMNIT, WHO LEFT THEIR BOOTS IN THE DAMNED DOORWAY, I THOUGHT I DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE!”

Laure, Owen, and Luvander all looked at each other, and all at once they burst into laughter.

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 6

Last Time on Grand Theft Auto:

Tsubasa recovers from the world’s gayest coma as Hibiki trains her mind while putting aside such silly concepts as “the love of my life” and “literally being with my girlfriend.” After cooling Miku’s paranoia with her brand new washboard abs, Genjuro prepares the team for a pizza run across the city to deliver a dangerously hot pizza pie named Durandal. Chaos emerges as the delivery is intercepted by a rival pizza gang, lead by the nefarious Gremlin known as Yukine Chris. But, before the pizza could be claimed, dedicated pizza deliverywoman Hibiki not only steals it back, but eats it, harnessing the power of the pizza and unleashing cheesy pasta based chaos around the location.

Ryoko is so into it that she taps into her superpowers and protects Hibiki after she passes out. The delivery is considered a failure, and no tip is given.

And so, the journey continues...

Meanwhile, in this weird, tricked out mansion...

Chris meditates on some water metaphors of her own.

“that pacman colored freak took only touching it to activate a cheap ass french sword that gave her weird demon powers and its taken me YEARS to use this dumb stripper outfit and the funny cane that goes with it, what the FUCK man, what even is my life”

“maybe... maybe honeybaked hams ARE that powerful...”

“NO! turkey is the superior meat! it’s healthier, lower in fat, and way more tasty! fuck you! i’ll get my goddamned revenge!”

Chris begins musing about Fine’s motivations to capture Hibiki; during these, we’re treated to some brief image flashbacks of Chris’s life.

Suddenly, those jokes about food are a lot less funny.

It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together as to why this young woman is helping a strange nudist dominatrix spread alien terror across the city of mumblednoises, Japan. She doesn’t really have many an option on the table. It’s either help the weird kinkster with her plans, or die.

Despite everything, she has a high opinion of Fine, for the same reasons someone might have a high opinion of a television show if it were the only show they were ever exposed to. She is deeply afraid of being alone again, because she has lived through such misery that the very thought of existing out in the cold again terrifies the shit out of her.

The Sun rises casually amidst Chris’s thoughts.

“ah shit. it just hit me. i literally have spent the entire night standing here instead of actually going the fuck to sleep. goddamnit.”

On such a devious metaphorical twist, Fine stands behind her as the Sun rises.

“yeah, jokes on you. i couldnt sleep for shit either. turns out, all nude, no blankets? in japan? real bad idea.”

“thats why i decided to GO GOTH, babey! whattaya think? do i give those witchy vibes, huh? real ‘black magic woman’ santana hours? feeling cute, gonna head out with the girls and summon satan in the woods kinda aesthetic looking shit? come on, be real with me. does this not look baller?”

“you look like morticia decided to go to the grocery store to buy some wonder bread, but other than that, its a step up from your usual pussy out attitude, so sure”

“you know i decided to get some brain cells on loan from Brain Cells R Us, and ive been thinking this solomon cane stuff is solomon lame. i dont need this dumb oversized harry potter cosplay prop to get shit done. also, murder is... sorta bad? im still trying to get the brain cell stuff down.”

“i can punch just as good as goody two shoes if not better.”

“lol go do it then champ, im gonna go cut down a forest of trees now”

And so, they both just kinda... stand there.

“QUACK, NEXT SCENE, QUACK”

Meanwhile, Tsubasa is rapidly trying to rehabilitate herself from her wounds like walking like a madman, her IV drip presumably filled with Taco Bell brand Doritos Locos Tacos super spicy nacho cheese. Taco Bell: Live Mas.

“im gonna clear every fucking taco bell in your goddamned memory, kanade”

“think outside the bun! wait, what? that was a taco bell slogan? ah fuck it, im dead. what nerd’s gonna try and correct me?”

“i would, kanade. i am that nerd.”

Tsubasa is hell bent to try and understand Kanade’s simple philosophy of helping others selflessly. Unfortunately, when Kanade died, she took all the brain cells between them in the process, so coming to this epiphany is a work in progress.

“listen its a fucking miracle you are 1. alive and 2. able to have your blood run on the garbage melted plastic taco bell tries to dupe people into believing is cheese so why dont you just lie down and think of better franchises to eat from”

“no! you dont understand! taco bell is a franchise of the PEOPLE! their meals are cheap and filling and- and the chicken quesadillas are of good quality for their price! i promised kanade- my vow to the death. taco bell... ergh... now and forever... i-”

“wait. my gay senses are tingling.”

It’s Hibiki, probably running track with Miku.

“oh yeah... her... i should probably apologize to her. about trying to kill her. and then letting her almost be kidnapped. and just giving her a general hard time about something that wasn’t explained to her in the slightest for months. she’s a good bean.”

Tsubasa proceeds to never canonically apologize to Hibiki throughout the entirety of all 4 seasons of Symphogear.

Look at em run. See, it’s a metaphor, because they haven’t communicated yet and they’re running from their problems! But they’re running towards Tsubasa, who is part of the representative problem these two share! Clearly literary genius.

It’s like someone went halfway into writing an NTR plotline and went “maybe this isn’t a good idea to market our songs on.”

Hibiki is still thinking about her Hellshake Yano moment with Durandal. Mainly how she nearly killed someone with it. Hibiki is very starkly in the “killing is bad, and wrong” camp of morality, a trait currently unique to her that she’ll wind up teaching literally everyone else she meets one way or another.

Some could argue the L stands for Lydian, and they’re wrong. It stands for Lesbian.

“that was one hell of a run, hibiki! im pooped! why dont we go to the locker room and call it a day, have a nice shower and just get some dinn-”

“this is the last straw.

i clean your plates. i cook your food. we eat, shit, shower, and sleep in the same FUCKING area, and this is how you repay me? huh? you think being your wife is easy shit, hibiki? half the damn time you’re running off like clark kent having food poisoning and the other half ive gotta babysit you, the emotional equivalent of a preteen clown, to make sure your life doesn’t self destruct harder than Atlantis sinking into the ocean. im done! i am DONE. im reopening my tinder, im slamming my ass BACK into okcupid, and im gonna date some CUTE ACADEMY GIRLS that treat me BETTER than this ABSOLUTE BETRAYAL OF HEART AND IM NOT CRYING I SWEAR ITS JUST THE SWEAT IN MY EYES AND HIBIKI HOW COULD YOU-”

“oh yeah, sure! hey, lemme just do a few more laps, ive just been feeling judgmental about myself and my figure, you know? gotta push myself further...”

“o-oh yeah, sure. no worries, ill wait for you. love you too, hibiki...”

The girls bathe together, as good friends typically do.

“hey you ever notice the showers here have like, weird psuedo-luxurious minipools to bathe in? like, how rich is this school?”

“whoever made this place is either rich or a pervert. or both, probably!”

Miku remarks that Hibiki has changed since she’s entered Lydian, in a manner most unheterosexual.

“oh FUCK you really DO have washboard abs now! ohhh my god.”

“damn, those abs were heavenly. let’s get pancakes later.”

I won’t screenshot it but something to note is that they actually wear each other’s corresponding underwear colors (or even, if you want to examine more closely, each other’s underwear). Here’s an equivalent scene to give you the mental image.

This is the face of someone who knows what they want and already have it. Such is the power of Kohinata Miku.

Meanwhile, Genjuro comes back from the funeral of the guy the Americans filled violently and with impunity.

“yo that all black look looks baller. i should borrow that look... id look pretty gothy in it.”

“ryoko i sympathize with your sharp, fashionista eye but this was for a funeral, i was paying my respects to the dead. thats the usual dress code.”

“didnt know they updated that. i remember back in my day, we just went in white garments and chanted in latin!”

“shit was fire. literally. lots of funeral pyres.”

“lmao ryoko buddy your larping sessions arent actual history”

“hey dont shit on larping around me. i used to be a professional larper while i was majoring in acting. helped really sell my career when i had to pretend to slay the Dark Lord Jyarloen atop the mountain of skulls in Hargobor after my family was killed by the Dark Army. asshole.”

“haha yeah, larping, thats cool yeah, i do that

i...

i larp.”

“oh yeah? you wanna join my larping session sometime then? we’re gonna do an ancient babylon plot thats inspired by some anime, itll be fun”

“.....................................im super into realism.”

“i know im dressed for a funeral but id like to not part ways with my dignity yet. besides, we’ve got serious shit to talk about. basically, we’re on the verge of getting shitcanned.”

As it turns out, the death of this politician removed the last obstacle of opposition to maintain the 2nd Division, as the average criticism against the 2nd Division is “why are we funding this mystery division when we don’t know what they do”. Of course, the sensible idea for an organization that defeats the Noise is to declassify it, given people of different jobs and positions have physically seen the Symphogear in action, but you know. “Oh no, the other governments will come after us” stick gets shaken.

“im in a union. i know my rights. you’re not taking my acting job here away from me.”

“im not going back to be a preschool teacher. its been ten year. the bites on my ankles still havent healed...”

“yeah man, shit sucks ass. i cant fund my adoption habits if im fired.”

Look at these cinematic parallels. Symphogear truly is a franchise made by someone living in 3030.

“worst part is the new minister is super into america. he’s a... westaboo.”

“a westaboo?”

“westaboo?”

“did he just unironically say westaboo”

“he said westaboo. oh my god. this is the hell timeline.”

“i mean people kept calling me that for worshipping all these fighting flicks so i guess it fit? i dont see the problem here”

Meanwhile, in Lydian Academy...

“so it hit me, right? we’re ALL girls. and we ALL sing. now, humor me a moment. what if... what if we’ve all been recruited to potentially be superheroes... through our singing? like, there’s no coincidence that all this shit happens around us, right? and a famous singer LIVES here? i saw the black cars outside! weird shit is happening here- im not even gonna eat the all you can eat bar anymore!”

“kathy there is literally no such thing as superheroes who sing. this place is more likely to be a organ harvesting op than whatever madness you’re saying”

“what? you need me, a singing superhero, to go stop a problem happening underneath the school, a location meant to recruit young women into potentially becoming fellow crime fighting singers?”

“yeah im too busy poppin’ caps in asses so go kick ass in my place”

“sure!”

“.....................................who ya talkin to, hibiki?”

“the boss! gotta go do a thing again...”

“hibiki, i dont like the fact that capitalism is tearing us apart.”

“you’ve gotta join me in the revolution, hibiki. you. me. luxury automated gay space communism. aint it the dream? share my vision, hibiki. its glorious.”

“n... no...? no gay space communism today? well, what about tomorrow? or the next day? or... maybe the next day? baby steps, you say? but, direction action, hibiki! we’ve gotta strike now!”

“it’s okay hibiki. when i take over the world and destroy all first world government leaders, and unite the globe in my encompassing reign and love... ill make sure to spare you, and be my bride to be.”

“thanks miku. im just not ready yet for the globe to burn in an unending ball of fire as the continents fuse into a new utopia composed of our combined wills. also, ive really gotta go, its genuinely an emergency.”

“for the cause!”

“yes hibiki... for the cause...”

Admittedly, you can see the stages of grief Miku goes through when she sees Hibiki say she can’t join her for pancakes. It’s sad. This side story sucks.

Meanwhile, as it turns out, the problem Hibiki needed to resolve was checking on Tsubasa to see if she hadn’t dissolved into Taco Bell brand hot n’ spicy Tabasco sauce.

“god, cant believe taco bell was closed. now i gotta deliver these lame ass flowers”

“cant wait to get threatened again. wonder what she’ll say. ‘hibiki, i should have killed you when i had the chance.’ or ‘you’re so goddamned weak. i could break your spine with my fingernail’, or some other stuff about metaphors. oh, my stops here”

“HEY BITCH WHATS GOOD-”

“HOLY SHIT”

“you are already”

“dead.”

[sunaluvs]

hi aether! sorry this isn’t about any fandoms or anything but what do you do now and how do you find time to write? i’ve been crazy busy with my internship and i wanna write something but i’m always so pooped out by the end of the day, i can’t come up with anything… sobs

no worries anon idm questions like these!

i feel this shit so much LMAO im a double major uni student so i am very busy very often and that doesn't leave me much time to write </3 it's why i don't post as frequently as other blogs and why i went on a hiatus back in nov-mid dec

im not quite sure if im the best person to answer this honestly, mainly because i don't really have like.. a solution to this? i just try to focus on finishing whatever shit i need to do so i can be free jdhdjfh

BUT!! i do have two tips that have helped me a lot (under the cut cause they got stupidly long SORRY)

1. this is if you find your creative flow completely blocked off. try to organize your time to set aside maybe 15 (or more) minutes in a day. this can be when you're eating or on a break or something. in this time, do something that helps you relax but still keeps your brain thinking. this can be reading, looking at art, listening to music, taking a walk, etc. the point is to get yourself relaxed enough to appreciate things outside of your worries and stress, such as other people's works! don't do anything yourself during this time. just let yourself take in other people's art.

ive found that this helps greatly any time im experiencing writers block. i don't stress or worry over it, i just go back to my favorite authors or list of fics/books ive been wanting to read, listen to music, go on walks, etc. i take this chance to enjoy the little things life has to offer and let my brain explore itself.

2. when you want to get rid of that pesky n urgent need to create something. any time i have a sudden spark of inspiration or idea to write, ill race to my notes app in my phone and just quickly write it down. it doesn't sound like much, but just jotting it down, even incoherently or messily, helps me get rid of that itch to create something (sometimes ill also write down particular sentences or words that make me feel like ill die if i dont use them). and then later on, when i've managed to grab some time to myself, ill go back and look over it and add or change stuff!! it doesn't have to be perfect (it never is) and it doesn't have to be anything big! even one paragraph can help. sometimes if the idea just won't leave my head, ill keep going back to build on it more, bit by bit, until i slowly end up with a short drabble that i can edit in my spare time

it's also important you don't "save it for later", because later will likely never come. you'll be either too tired or unmotivated to write it. having it already in front of you when you're all out of steam can kinda help you regain some of that energy back.

AND MOST IMPERATIVELY: DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF OR FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT CREATING. it's not your fault capitalism is trying to suck out your soul

this got entirely too long im so sorry GDJDHDJHF but this all i have to offer!! hopefully these can help and if anyone knows any other tips feel free to add on <33

[kaileynel4-blog]

You are all lucky SOB’s!!!

Alrighty, let’s dive right into the issue of my blog....my title is incorrect!!! Yes, this whole time I have had a title I did not mean to have. I mean, it doesn’t really make sense?!? Happiness is contagious, just like a sneeze??? So remember when I wrote my first blog post? The one where I deleted my entry 3 times?!?! So I think that is where my problem all started! I was so frustrated with the fact that I stupidly deleted my blog, that I stupidly wrote the wrong title!? I am not sure where the sneeze part came into play but I meant to say YAWN!! Yawns are contagious, not SNEEZES! Sweet jesus I’m an oblivious idiot sometimes. I think I am just gonna drop the sneeze part and just go with Happiness is Contagious. Sorry for all the confusion and head scratches along the way...I will say one thing though, it sure would have been nice if one of you told me!!! Just said “hey kailey, your title doesn’t make sense...sneezes aren’t contagious...” I blame 20% of this title mistake on you guys!

Anyways, the past few weeks have been a bit more challenging for me and continually learning the ups and downs of living abroad. I have been in Thailand for 5 months now and can’t believe it! Some days it feels like I’ve been gone forever and others like I just left last week. The amount of thinking through my emotions and listening to that little voice in my head, is much more than I anticipated. I am not much of an emotional person...I am not saying that I am heartless person or that I dont have emotions, I just don’t outwardly express them as much as others. So having to deal with these random thoughts and emotions is not my favorite thing to do. There are many ways to cope with your mental state of craziness. Currently, mine is exercise and coffee. Yes, coffee. I try to do some sort of physical activity everyday. It helps with all my anxiousness that I tend to have...sometimes I swear my attention span is like a 5 year olds. The “squirrel” situation happens to me more often than it should :) Coffee...oh the sweet sweet smell of good coffee. Drinking an iced cappuccino helps calm me and has become a comfort thing for me. It is a reminder of home but also brings back all the wonderful times I have had drinking coffee with my favorite people! I feel a sense of normalcy is brought to my not so normal life. I love the adventure that I am on but realized that it’s okay to want a bit of normalcy and miss some comforts of back home. In the beginning, I wouldn’t let myself think about all the things I missed cause I thought it would be harder but then I realized that I am lucky to miss people from home. I am one lucky lady to be living in a place that not many others have experienced. I am lucky to be surrounded by constant support and love. And I am lucky to have dogs all around me and help improve the lives of elephants in SE Asia! Now this is the part where you get to reflect...what makes you feel lucky?? What are the moments in your life where you have just thought “damn, I am one lucky bastard!” How do you cope with your crazy thoughts and emotions? One thing that i am learning along this journey, is to reflect and be grateful everyday that I am alive. If you are still reading my blogs (thank you Mom) I hope the one thing that you have taken away from them is to be grateful. The crappy situation you may think you are in could always be worse and sometimes you just need to remind yourself how fuckin lucky you are to be alive! Here is a photo of me loving life with two of coworkers, Fang and Roger! We were with the volunteers as they walked the elephants to the river!

This past week I had mixed emotions about life...I was feeling homesick and i think in large part due to the fact that my sister and Jacque were visiting and had just left. Words cant begin to describe how amazing it was to have my sister and Jacque come visit me. It is a pretty special thing to be able to share my Thailand home with the one person that I have always looked up to and admired. Being able to show my sister the loving community i live in, the efforts that Bamboo is doing to improve the lives of the elephants and show her why I love working here. I hope that she now has a better sense of what i am doing and understands a bit more as to why I moved here! After my sister and Jacque left, I had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for a couple days. I was questioning why the fuck I am here, what do i want to get out of working in Thailand and really how much i missed home. As i worked through these emotions, i realized that I chose to do this. this decision was all me. I reached out to Bamboo to see if they had a job opening, I applied and I got the job. I didn’t care what people thought about me moving aboard cause I knew that I wanted to do it and that was all that mattered. I hope that from here on out I will be bold with my decisions, chase after my dreams, continue to spread happiness (even if its not contagious like a sneeze haha) remember how amazing life is when you are living it up, and always encourage those around you to be the best version of themselves.

The level of shits given lately is 0 for me. I am used to the weird Thailand things and know that i just need to accept it and move on. For example, there is a gecko that lives in my room. He poops in the same spot in my room and I cant seem to get him out! Normally, people would freak out about this and maybe even call a terminator. I dont think there is a such thing in Thailand so I just pray every night that I dont wake up with him on my face. In the village, the water goes out during the middle of the day. I have also had to accept this and just do a bucket shower or remain extremely smelly for a few more hours. I realized when my sister was visiting that my level of actual cleanliness is suffering a bit. I just dont really care that i brush my teeth from water that has been sitting in a bucket for who knows how long, or that the dishes we use to eat with everyday sit outside to dry with all the bugs and critters that could potentially crawl on them, or that i swim in a elephant poo infested river twice a week cause i am not gonna pass up swimming with them. I used to refuse to sleep on floors and never really liked camping in tents unless i had a pad. I have slept on the floor with a small thai pad for 5 months now. Some days i would love to have a tempurpedic mattress but for the most part I have done pretty good considering how high maintenance i was about sleeping on the floor. I have survived brushing my teeth in questionable water for 5 months and as long as I brush them i am pretty pleased with myself. There are just some things in life that aren’t worth the energy of worrying about. Accepting this is the hardest part but something I am learning. Thailand so far has taught me to be tougher and a little smellier. We live a pretty cushy and priviladge life in America and it is good to strip yourself of these privileges every once in awhile to really see what your boundaries are. When Jacque and my sister were here, the one thing that Jacque said she realized almost immediately was that she will never complain about water her beautiful plants again. We saw a woman carrying two big buckets of water on the end of a stick and was going to water her crops. We dont have to worry about watering our plants cause all we have to do is turn the hose on and stand there. We also have house plants for our pure enjoyment and dont rely on them to make a living. Appreciation is a huge thing for me and i appreciate every delicious cup of coffee i get, i appreciate all the meals that are cooked for me, I appreciate when my thai coworkers pick me up so i dont have to walk, I appreciate the dark chocolate that my mom sent me, I appreciate the smell of clean laundry and i appreciate most of all the people in my life. So the next time you complain about having to water your plants, drive your nice car to the grocery store, having to take your dog for a walk, or complain about your bed being too small, remember just how fucking lucky we are to have these things in our lives. Some people wont ever have the luxury of having these things so please just be grateful and appreciative of all that you have!

Here is a photo of our staff/family dinners in the village! I LOVE SPICY THAI FOOD!!!!

Here is one last thing before i go...I have fallen in love.......with a dog at the village. Her name is Kao (pronounced like cow) and she is the sweetest dog. I have talked about her before. She is the dog that had 4 litters of puppies and I paid for her to get spayed so she doesn’t have to have any more puppies! Anyways, I want to adopt kao and bring her back home to America to live a spoiled and privileged puppy life. The problem i have run into is that I dont know exactly when I will be coming home for good and need someone to help foster/adopt her. If you are interested in helping me get her to america please let me know! I am looking for someone to temporarily take care of her until i come home. Now i must warn you, if you want to foster her, please dont fall in love with her. She is my dog and I will want her back! It is going to be hard for you cause she is an amazing pup but we can work out a situation where you can still see her. Maybe even puppy sit! Okay, I’m getting off topic here....If anyone would like to help me out with this amazing and sweet dog please let me know! It is a long process to adopt a dog from Thailand so it would take a little while but i would love to get it started. Here are a couple photos of her to make you feel a little guilty and possible persuade you to help out ;) also, if you cant adopt but want to help out financially let me know!

As always i am sending lots of hugs and kisses to those back home. I am grateful everyday that I am alive and happy and I hope that you are too!

Cheers to summer livin and see you all in a month!! If anyone wants to have a slumber party and drink wine when i am home, i am most definitely down for that!

Love you all :)

[gameswillbeplayed]

i got tagged by @adeathnoteblog im tagging @cocoaslayer @inventogation @realtruesuccessor and literally anyone that wants to do this like i really like hearing about y’all you don’t know how much i lurk in here lol

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you’d like to get to know better.

Age: 28 oh my god Birthplace:Finland Current Time: 1:30PM. UK time zone. Drink You Last Had:  Currently drinking coffee. Black, no sugar. In a pint glass plz. Easiest Person To Talk To: my partner probably? that’d make sense, wouldn’t it... Favorite Song: oh no! urr. i’m kinda all about Sigúr Ros atm and all their stuff is chill and awesome but on the other hand one of my all-time favs is Ghost Love Score by Nightwish, but Caravan Palace is awesome too. The Front Bottoms does awesome stuff as well.. oh god i can’t decide </3 ( @adeathnoteblog said Motion City Soundtrack is their fav band and i’m just going to continue a trend and say The Future freaks me out by them is also 10/10) Grossest Memory: probably something to do with poop when cleaning bathrooms. NO. i was about 15 and we were visiting my mum’s then fiance and his 9 kids and we were playing hide and seek outside. it was dark and i was running to hide and hopped over this little stream but unfortunately didn’t quite make it so my shoe got stuck in this mucky water thing at which point the kids that actually lived there informed me that was the stream from the toilets and stuff so i was literally stuck knee deep in shit.

fun times. Coulda done without remembering this omg.

Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff pride. In love: Very much. Jealous Of People: Sometimes. But i’d like to think i’m pretty good at handling it most of the time. My partner is poly and has another partner and outside the fact that i sometimes get grabby about her time with me i’m very very very rarely jealous of her other partner (like. has happened maybe 2-3 times since i moved in with them two.) Killed Anyone: Nuhuh. Not Kira. Love At First Sight or Should I Walk By Again: once i had a ridiculously strong crush on this boy i never even got to talk to. like, i went back to the same frickin festival next year just in hopes to see him again and i didn’t even know his name. so, idk, i guess really strong feels can happen for stoopid reasons but i wouldnt call it love.

(in my 14yr old brain he was the cutest thing ever but i cant remember why) Middle Name: ughh Number Of Siblings: 2 baby brothers aged 26 and 24......... we’re getting old feck One wish: everything is so sorted for me that literally all i can think is money :”““D maybe my grandmothers alzhaimer to fucking go away, it’d be nice to have some coherent conversations with her before she passes :/// Person You Last Called: Either work or my partner. Question You Are Always Asked: is2g “you doing anything fun tonight?” no, the answer is always no, i will just go home and enjoy chilling in and not doing shit wtf dude (somehow i think all my workmates have really busy social lives. ide.) Reasons To Smile: lots of things. bc customer service requires it, someone making me my coffee, feeling of accomplishments, good music, clean bedroom (yea need to work on that), seeing my furry babies, pretty people, idk i feel like i could go on which probably is a good sign of my mental headspace  Song You Last Sung:  Woman - Kesha Time You Woke Up: 7ish in the morning o/  Underwear Color: i think ive got this weirdly greenish blueish thing. Vacation Destination: i want a vacation so bad it dont matter where (sun wouldn’t hurt tho) Worst Habit: ahah wow i should ask my partner about this. i’m quite specific and like to get my way a lot? like, i’m a horror to live with i swear. things need to be cleaned when i want it to happen, i will stress my ass off about money and nag like there’s no tomorrow.  X-Rays: idk probs mostly mouth ones tho Your Favorite Food: i love everything. uhh. anything with cheese, vietnamese, english curries (altho i can’t take spice like at all), bacon&cheeseburgers... just. food. give me. Zodiac Sign: Virgo.

[multifandomhoodies]

in the two minutes my brain was working i made this meme because i think it’s funny and while no one has told me to stop talking abt work i feel like this is lowkey accurate. 

this will probably be super annoying and basically a ramble but hey ! I dont care. rondo alla turca just came on and that’s incredibly accurate of my mind rn just that super fast part. anyways. im so sorry. 

hit that read more for the entire 2000+ word dissertation i wrote about work today.

so today was wild because fourth of july babey uh it didn’t start getting different until like,,,, 8 ish? mostly till then it was just regulars who are always in the park. i forgot my earmuffs so i couldn’t backpack blow when i wanted :c. nothing weird was in the bathrooms today! there was a lemonheads box in the women’s, but like,, that’s not very weird. i had several guests tell me that i was gonna have a rough day tomorrow w/ clean up and im like lol yeah Except i dont work tomorrow sorry tue-sat crew. love you. except fuck u danager. i had to get the cans along the beach and the guy that usually runs the beach comber wasn’t there so a different guy from the other park was doing it and he doesn’t run the beach comber v often and you could Tell. also this dude barely said anything to anyone except the one dude and honestly powermove. also he has Very long dreads. also this lady ? was laying like two feet away from where i had to backpack blow and she had the audacity to like, look at me? sorry lady its 8am the sun isnt even out stop sunbathing. anyways. i had to water the flowers i planted yesterday and after that it was breaktime (gang GANG) breaktime is like,, three hours after we start work but cleaning the bathrooms and backpack blowing and getting cans took forEVER. break was funny because it was just three of us in the breakroom and we were talking about the new manager who is. just a fucking asshole. he can choke. bitch. anyways. even tony doesnt like him and tony’s like so nice. i made a joke b4 we rolled out that liam could help me clean our part of the park and danager was like hey he can do that if you want to mulch and I thought it was mulching with HIm and I was like oh nO you thought hunty! i had to deal with your stupid ass yesterday! turns out it was just liam and tony and like honestly i would have done that that would have been super fun. and liam told me that he’d told tony about what happened yesterday with mulching. danager really called liam and i off of weedeating to mulch. at like, 1:30. we go on break at 2. he didnt care and was like oh you guys can just stay after and we’re like?? no?? unless we’re getting paid overtime and you dont have the power to make us do that? and liam today was like yeah if he does that shit again im leaving and tony and i agreed. im like ill walk home man. im leaving. tony said that even steve was getting pissed at him yesterday and steve’s a really chill dude. so collectively everyone’s like FUCk danager. and he came in from outside too and was like aight guys this is what we’re doing. hannah you should be able to weedwhip farther out away from your body. you hold the weedwhip too close and if you dont do that you can get a farther range. i kid you not the four of us that werent danager just started laughing. weedeaters (or weedw(h)ackers, or as ONLY danager says, weedwhips) arent very heavy. however. they do get heavy after a while, and they shake sometimes. a lot of times. We don’t get new equipment so it shakes. I’m hardly weak, but I’m also not strong enough to hold the weedeater like he said. so as soon as he said that i should be doing that everyone laughed. like i did too im like man you’re tripping. anyways. he left again, and so did two of the other guys again so it was just tony liam and i. kenny came back in and the three of us had been talking and when kenny opeend the door we all shifted so we could see who walked in, hoping it wasnt danager. kenny bust out laughing. “yall shoulda see your faces.” tony does a dramatic renactment of us all leaning forward to see who it is. oh it was great. tony liam and i were like in hysterics abt something (i think it was something rude abt danager i cant remember now). then we all headed out to do our danager assigned tasks. I went back to weedeating this one area. reminder that it IS the fourth of july, it’s like 9:30am and im weedeating this one part of the park. priorities? what are those. anyways so i do that. I see liam and tony leave to keep mulching. i keep weedeating. I did that and backpack blew the debris and then went over to the other part of the park to check cans. i checked cans again, had a super awkward situation with like 15 people near this sign. i tried to park my cart to check hte cans and EVERYONE STARED AT ME. like i know im wearing clothes specifcally chosen to be visible to cars and the public but the fuck you gotta stare at me for! anyways i got the cart and got the fuck outta there quick. I drove around more, some guy stopped me and said he thought there should be more speed limit signs. you’re right sir. drivers will see them and not care. i was checking trash in the one part of the park and i see tony and liam driving so i wave. by now it;s almost our lunch, its like 11:15. im going to check some cans that you like actually have to walk to, but i see tony driving towards me so i wait. they pull up, ask for the time. tony suggests we take a brisk walk to check the cans. we take a walk, but it’s not very fast. it’s very slow. we stopped to talk about dumb shit. liam’s apparently found a mink? on the pier? im so jealous? anyways yeah we wasted fifteen minutes looking at cans. we turn around and Danager’s walking towards us. tony grabs some trash off the ground immediately. danager doesnt even question it. he just tells us he wants someone to weedwhip or mow this one area, or at least be aware of it. tony and liam leave with dan, i head back to the shop. i hosed out the back of my cart cuz i got something FOUL in it. it may have been human poop. not sure. it was at least poop. lunch was more joking about danager. then danager came in and they started talking about muscle cramps. tony asked regular dan if he got cramps ever. dan shook his head. we dont think dan’s human. doesnt eat. doesnt SIT. only takes breaks because he’s legally required. jury is out. danager fucks off again. liam ate some of the ice cream. we chill until danager comes back in. then we leave. danager really told us to keep our weedwhips with us (also everytime liam or i say weedwhip mockingly we whip so i mean. yeah) and if we saw anything that needed weedeated to do it. ITS THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE PARK. tony apparently reached for his weedeater and some lady started cussing him out. something about how there’s people around and whatever (all true) and he’s like yeah sorry i was told to but yaknow what I just wont! because it’s a holiday no one wants to weedeat. so danager told us to go clean up driftwood from the beach and tony’s like oh some of it may be big yaknow ill go with you guys. completely an excuse not to do work. it was fine. we went down to the beach. got all ten pieces of wood that were there. and we did not take them back to the shop to be dealt with. no. we may or may not have taken the trashcan full of wood to the treeline and yeeted the driftwood into the treeline/woods. then we walked back up to our carts. and didnt get in them. the three of us stood around the carts for like twenty minutes just talking instead of working. who cares honestly. i dont. as long as it’s not a habit,,, we cool. somehow we started talking abt pot and liam’s like Oh yeah i’m pretty sure everyone here gets FUCKED up on that. and tony (who’s been here for a summer) was like. oh yeah for SURE. he’s like yaknow weed’s okay. not that interesting ppl overhype it. liams like yea never done it been overed it never done it and im like never been offered, never done it. a ranger rolled by and tony’s like yo what if the ranger rolled his window down and just a cloud of pot smoke rolled out and his eyes were just red. what would we do. and we all just like essentially shrug emojid and kept talking. tony came up with the great idea to move out of the full sun into some shade. we sat in the carts in the shade and talked more abt dumb shit. we decide to eventually move and check some other areas for trash. just to look busy and also get out of an area that had a lot of people and access for a cart. so we went over to another section of the park and got trash. I had two bags, and Tony’s just like yeah as long as they see trashbags in your cart no one’s gonna care what you’re doing. We went over near that part’s bathrooms and dan and even dan was like,,, i see yall are fuckin off and i dont hate that. we actually talked with dan for a bit too. then we walked over to this area where ppl throw beercans and ““““checked”““ for trash there. skipped rocks. made stupid comments about shit. we were over there for like twenty minutes. aaaaaaaaand Danager shows up. he tells tony to go water some plants in the front. it’s 1:30 at this point, tony’s gotta go load the water, haul it out to the front, water. liam and i followed him back to the carts. he got in his cart, looked around to make sure dan was gone and did the finger gun to head thing and drove off. liam and i immediately were like okay we gotta figure something out we’re staying the fuck out of danager’s way. so we go to another pier and start walking it, looking for trash. we did actually pick up trash. there was a lot. after like fifteen minutes we headed back to the shop to take our break at 2 and danager’s on his way out and he’s like oh! hey you guys can weedwhip around the building! or clean up around the dumpsters. do something. “No use standing around for twenty minutes”. okaaaaaaaaaaaaay man. so liam and i are like oh yeah of course we’ll find something to do. FUCK I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO BLOW THE GRASS IN THE DRIVEWAY FUCK FUCKIJ’DJ’FKJALKJFLAKJF goddamnit. deadass sorry for abrupt switch but im sitting in my house at 10:25pm realizing i didnt get the grass in the driveway. ugh whatever. ending my regrets and back to earlier. so as soon as danager drives his way and we get far enough away both of us are like YO FUCK THAT and im immediately like. 

i get as far as saying the first I from this and liam and I say the rest in unison. we share a braincell, i think. good job us. we’re both OVER IT. we throw our trashbags in the dumpster and grab pickers. we’re not sweating it but we grab some trash. i feel bad for tony cuz he’s out watering when it’s breaktime. liam says he probably wont be back till 2:25 when we have to clock out by 2:30. he wound up being right. a lot of shaking heads and muttering inbetween the four seasonals (minus dan) as soon as he was back. i clocked out and i told tony that he probably wont survive tomorrow with danager and that it was nice knowing him. tomorrow two of the techs will be back because they had today off. but it’s gonna be tony, the two techs, and danager. and possibly someone from the other park. not sure tho. like the BIGGEST oof because it’s gonna be a full day of trash cleanup and they’ve got danager there. and danager works the same shift as tony so anyday tony’s in, so it danager. the sat-thur crew got lucky. he told liam and i that on saturdays, the techs are out b/c weekends. it was just tony and someone from the other park and they’d. get the trash. trashbags and ground trash. and then fuck off in the breakroom. you can’t weedeat or cut on weekends. there’s not much to do if there’s not trash. they deadass would nap. and now they’re SCREWED because danager’s there. i’m so sad the one guy from the other park wasn’t there today. I can not WAIT to find out what he thinks of danager. fascinating. i almost worked tomorrow too, of my own request because I missed so much. but im sO Glad i didnt i do not want to spend anytime around danager that i dont have to. he fucking sucks. anyways. working my first ever fourth of july was,,, eventful. it mostly consisted of trying to avoid danager and kicking it with liam and tony. and that’s stellar. I really like both of them. i love my fucking coworkers. except danager. fuck you. also! no one offered us food :( apparently there is usually good food ppl offer to you and :( :( i didnt get food. oh today at work was wild. im so sorry for this post. it’s a hefty one. is this the longest post i’ve ever made on tumblr? yes. if you made it this far good job. I saw two REALly great dogs. the one looked like a bear. the other was a gsd. good job. god i love this job. 

[nathank77]

9/22/24

I took her on two walks today. She's getting a little better on the leash. A little. She pulls and I mean I want her to pee. I can get her to jog with me. I am starting to get her to walk with me at my pace but she's not exactly trying to pull me around, a little sometimes bc of a scent but she's just fast and active. I'm hoping they can clean up the yard so we can play fetch.

She's so bored with my mother. And she does cry outside my door a little. She loves people.

I was so scared of her when we first met and she walked right up to me and licked my hand.

Once she was following me around and I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. She was just staring at me. And she turned around and left. Then greeted me when I left the bathroom. She had to sense fear a little bit. She's really sweet and we are trying to get our shit together. My sister and her gf brought her to petco and got her a crate for outside to poop in like a fenced in area.

The problem is my mother is very boring and she wanted a German shepherd and we have a pure breed German shepherd with papers and she wants to run.

My mom should have gotten a little tiny chihuahua who we can pick up and put on our Laps.

Reily isnt going anywhere but I have a feeling my mom will get another dog, one where she can pick her up and carry her and have someone to lay with all the time.

I'm nervous and anxiuos af atm bc my brain is like poison plants! Poop and pee everywhere! But I'm doing the best I can. I'm gaming in small doses and sitting with reily so she doesn't feel lonely bc my mom is just sleeping on the couch.

I really didn't want a dog bc if for some reason like my mom doesn't start spending money on her and my sister cuts her off and just pays for food, treats, etc.... then I'm going to cry if we give her up. I didn't want to love another dog. It's been 3 years since Nala died. And I never truly got over it. You dont really get over a dog dying laying next to you after she looks up at you and says I love you. Good bye with her eyes. You never really get over that.

And I'm like I can't do it again but reily is so sweet and in my face and I can't ignore her and it's like Dug from Up, "I already love you and I just met you." That's what the dog thinks and the person. I'm not ready to love another dog and lose another dog.

[abdlbdsmstories]

The Setup

This story involves sexual  encounters, female degradation, humiliation and nappies/diapers.

PART 2

"That was beautiful my dear. Thank you. Heres the plates for you. I see your nappy is still unused." Ryan said to me. I was shocked that he was expecting me to use it.

   "Please don't make me use the nappy. Can't I just use the toilet like any normal person?" I asked him. He immediately looked at me angrily,

   "You will do as you are told and use that nappy for its intended purposes. Do you want a proper spanking? When you want to use your nappy you will come in here and ask us if you can use it. Ok" He asked. I nodded my head, and walked off in a petulunt manner and washed the rest of the dishes. The kitchen now looked pristine, the surfaces glistined and I was pleased with my work. A shame there was so much more to do. I then went into the bathroom and it was a state. The toilet was caked in pooh, the bath had a layer of scum all round it and the sink looked disgusting. I got the bleach and just covered the bathroom in the stuff and left it to soak whilst I cleaned up the bedroom. This was a bit easier than the other rooms, all I had to do was make the bed and put the clothes away. Strangely there were a few bits of womans clothing on the floor, a bit of lingerie to be precise, from Victorias Secret so it was quite expensive. I laid it on the bed neatly then went back to the bathroom and the mug and grime cleared easily. I scrubbed the toilet, the increasing on my bladder and bowels was making me want to use it. I so wanted too but I knew I would get caught so I decided against it. Once completed, I went into the front room where the boys were sitting. They ordered me to fetch them a beer from the fridge which I did. I got to the fridge and I was hit with a crippling pain across my stomach and bowels. The pressure was immense, and I knew I was in trouble. I went back into the front room and handed the men there beers. I had to ask the question I had been putting off for so long,

   "I need to use the toilet please." I laid on the puppy dog eyes and pleaded to them.

   "What for?" Was the reply I got from Steve. I couldn't admit to it, but I had no choice.

   "I need a wee and a no.2." I replied embarrasingly. Now they both smiled and looked intrigued.

   "How big is your poop going to be? Do you think the nappys is going to hold it all?" Ryan asked, mockingly.

   "I, I dont know. I think I should use the toilet." I shyly replied, now hopping from one foot to another in pain. I grimaced in pain.

   "Don't you dare even think about pooping yourself just yet. LEt me get the camera first." Steve replied. He went off into the bedroom then came back with the camera. I was ordered to go and stand on the little balcony and face the boys.

   "Right Missy, you can let yourself go now. And don't hold back." Ryan ordered me. I couldn't hold it anymore and squatted down, the poop immediately vacated my bowels and filled the nappy, accompanied by a heavy of stream of piss it sagged desperately betwen my legs. The pee leaked out, running down my legs and pooling in front of me. Then a leakage of poop ran down my legs and pooled around my feet. I fell to the ground and ended up sitting in a mass of pee and poop. As my padded backside hit the gorund, the poop splattered up my back and out of the leg cuffs making a huge mess much to the delight of the 2 men. They were both chuckling away as I was now in tears, stuck in this highly embarassing and disgusting predicament. Ryan spoke to me,

   "Stand up and show the camera what you have done." I stood up, the brown and yellow mess of a nappy sagging between my legs and slowly turned around. The back of the nappy was full with poop, as was most of the front.

   "What have you done?" Steve asked me.

   "Wet and messed myself." I replied, now crying, my eyes streaming with tears. I bet I looked every part the real baby now. The smell of poop was quite overwhelming even though I was perched on an outside balcony. Grey clouds were now over head so they ordered me inside.

   "Come inside now, the rain will wash your foul mess away. Go and stand in the bath tub." Ryan ordered me. I made my way inside, and hopped into the bath tub and stood waiting for the men. Steve came in with the camera and Ryan ordered me to take the nappy off and stand facing the wall. I undid the tapes and the nappy dropped to the floor, splattering over my feet. I turned round and pressed my hands against the wall whilst the lads inspected my backside. My bum was quite pert, not too flabby but now it was caked in poop. They were both mocking me calling me ' shit-girl' which was quite upsetting. I turned round to face the men and Ryan handed me a black bag.

   "Put your shitty nappy in here shit-girl then get yourself cleaned up. We will be waiting for you in the bedroom." I did as he said and scooped up the nappy and put it in the bag then put the bag on the bathroom floor and turned the shower on. The water was freezing cold and sent a shiver down my spine. I couldn;t work out how to turn the jet power down and the cold water was painful. I positoned it betwen my legs and watched all the water turn brown as the shit cleared from  my ass and legs. I quickly ran the sponge and soap over my body and got out still shivering. The men hadn't left me a towel or anything so I quickly shook off the excess water and went into the bedroom where the men were waiting for me. They had a nappy laid out on the bed for me which I immediately hopped on. They were both naked and I knew some form of sexual encounter was close. I still had the babys dummy clamped to my nipple and Ryan shoved the dummy in  my mouth whilst he nappied me. HE didnt bother with any powder she taped the nappy which was bigger than the other one over my pussy. Then Steve caught me by surprise and slipped something over my head, pinning my arms to the side of my body. It was a cream strait jacket, Steve proceeded to tighten the buckles till it was tight on me. I tried to wriggle out of it but it was no use I was officially stuck and at there mercy. Then a mask was placed over my head, taking away my sense of sight and sound. It just had a hole for my mouth to fit in that was it. I could hear or see nothing. Then there was nothing, I couldn't feel anybody touching me or anything. There was this inevitable suspense, then I felt a hand move my nappy to one side and a penis slipped inside me. It felt huge, it definitly wasn't Ryan or Steve I couldn't remember those 2 being that big. It slowly moved its way inside me, before pumping and pumping away vigourously. Another penis entered my mouth and I was being well and truely used. I was started off in the missionary position for what felt like an hour or so, then forcibly moved into doggy style a few pillows propped underneath me to heighten up my backside. I was constantly fucked and face fucked aggressively, admittedly the way I liked it. Then I was flipped between cowgirl and reverse cowgirl riding the cocks like a proper cow girl. After what was around 2 hours or so a few of the participants cummed in my mouth big style. I thought I was going to choke at the amount of cum that I had to swallow. A good 3 or 4 loads were dumped inside me. Then the sex stopped, I think I cummed the guys whilst not orgasming myself. The mask was ripped from my head and it took me a minute or 2 to adapt to the light. There was a huge shock in store for me, there standing at the end of the bed was my ex husband. The man who had always dreamt of turning me into a nappy wearing slut. I wanted to cry, I was so humiliated and to top it all off he had his best friend filming it, along with Ryan and Steve they had all fucked me.

   "You bastard, I can't believe you have done this to me" I blurted out to him.

   "Now now baby girl, from what I hear you didn't put up much of a fight!" He replied.

   "I was desperate for the money. Our divorce has left me skint." I cried out to him.

   "Ahhh diddums. Should have thought about that before turning down my offer. So here we are, 18 hours to go. We sure got some fun games to play with you, you little slut. And seeing as you haven't orgasmed yet I think we should let you." He sniggered back. I was quite scared now and this showed as I flooded my nappy.

   "Ha, ha look at the slut, shes pissed herself." Ryan told the room, all of them chuckling away. My ex husband, Mark, ripped off my nappy and proceeded to humiliate me by placing it on my face and taping it tightly round head. The pee stain landed right on my face, intoxicating me with the rancid aroma of piss. Then he ripped a hole in the nappy where my mouth was and rammed a dildo into my mouth telling me to suck it good as it was going in my pussy. I awkwardly gagged on the dildo, lubricating it as much as possible then it was taken from my mouth and pushed inside my pussy. I could hear the men laughing and taking it in turns to ram it in and out of my pussy forcing me into a screaming, but muffled orgasm. My body writhed up and down, humping the dildo as much as possible then I forced my legs apart and let out a squirting orgasm. Piss and cum squirted out of my pussy all over the bed. The men loved it, they were high fiving each other at the fact they had a squirter on there hands. The nappy was then taken from my face and Mark gave the men there orders.

   "Right, put that nappy back on her. Get as many on her as is possible. Then the pants then take her home. I'm done with her for the time being." I was quite relieved to here him say that. Though my humiliation was to get slightly worse. Steve, Marc and his friend left the room with the camera sat on the tripod at the end of the bed whilst Ryan stayed to nappy me. We chatted for a bit whilst he retaped the soaking wet nappy on me after powdering my pussy vigourously.

   "How did he get you into this?" I asked.

   "Well me and Steve play football with him and he told us where you sometimes hang out with your friends. I must admite we were kinda freaked out by the whole nappy thing but he paid us well so we cant complain. Plus we got a free sex session out of it." He smiled back at me, winking. He was quite cute in a good way. I couldn't understand his nappying technique, after every nappy he put on me he ripped holes in it. I asked why.

   "Mark told us to do it. Otherwise everything will soak into your first nappy and leak. I've got to get at least a half dozen on you to last till the game ends." He replied back. I just stared blankly at him, looking shocked as he proceeded with the 3rd nappy and repeated the process of tearing holes and strips in it. My legs were now firmly prized apart and thoughts were going through my mind of the how the bulk was going to be concealed. A few minutes and Ryan had gotten the 6th nappy on. He stood me on my feet and I looked down at my newly padded self. The nappys came up over my belly button resting just under my breasts in effect covering my whole chest, then round to my back expanding my already biggish backside immensely. I couldn't put my knees together and I had to waddle to move. My ordeal wasn't finished yet, Ryan pulled out a pair of huge transparent plastic pants with a chain attached and helped me into them. The chain was tightened and locked behind me. Ryan patted my backside, kissed me on the cheek and left the room, leaving me standing there helpless. A few minutes later the door reopened and I was dragged into the front room.

   "We are going to take you home now seeing as it is getting late and we have a business deal to do tonight. You have 6 nappies on. That should last you till we come back tomorrow morning, around 12ish. Thats when your ordeal will be over. Understand? If I find you have tampered with the nappys in anyway you will spend the whole week nappied. Remember we have pictures and videos!" Mark exclaimed to me. I nodded my head in agreement. I now had to spend at least another 8-10 hours in the nappys and use them for their intended purpose.

[the-shape-returns]

do all Hozier asks - keewee

i cover kiwi.net in dorito powder

- Take Me To Church- Are you religious?

no, but I do go to a church u_u my dad is religious and i go for free food + quiet place to write + to help him wrangle teenagers

- Work Song- Is there anyone you’d sing a love song to, romantic or platonic?

im going to sing this to my gf

- Someone New- Do you fall in love easily?

at some point i always get crushes on my friends no matter who it is but it usually lasts for only a month so idk if it really counts

- Almost- Do you ever dance alone to music?

5% chance

- Cherry Wine- Do you have a sweet tooth?

yes, i eat food meant for like 5 yr olds

- Nina Cried Power- Do you participate in any activist movements?

im gay

- From Eden- Do you think theres “something tragic about this” life?

one time when i was 8 i fell down the stairs because i was trying to go down them backwards so yeah

- Movement- Do you perform in any way?

no

- Angel Of Small Death and The Codeine Scene- Any addictions?

im addicted to pee

- Like Real People Do- Have you kissed people?

1

- Jackie and Wilson- Do you want kids?

absolutely not i already have three dumbasses

- Shrike- What’s your favorite bird?

i like corvids, but also hoatzins, secretary birds, and cassowaries so cant pick.

- Dinner and Diatribes- What’s your favorite food?

i eat food meant for 5 yr olds

- Moment’s Silence- What do you find beautiful about the situation you’re in now?

chibi cuddles with me every night now

- Would That I- Is there anything you wish you could change about the past?

i would make the dinos live

- NFWMB- Is there anything you would protect with your life?

id eat shit if my cats just screamed in the same room as someone else

- To Be Alone- Do you prefer other people’s company or your own?

my own

- Arsonist’s Lullabye- Do you ever feel lost?

i got insanely fucking lost one time while walking and came home dehydrated and angry

- No Plan- Do you believe in a pre-determined purpose in life?

we are all born to eat shit

- Sedated- What time do you go to sleep?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I DON’T KNOW LOL.

- As it Was- Do you go to many parks and natural places?

like once a week maybe bc theres a park near where i live and i walk all the time. i dont stay there super long though to avoid weird people.

- In A Week- How do you want to die?

being eaten alive by a snake

- Be- Have you changed much as a person in the last year?

idk i just like poop

- In the Woods Somewhere- Have you ever had a supernatural experience?

ONE TIME WHEN I WAS LIKE FIVE THE LIGHTS AT MY MOMS HOUSE SHUT DOWN FOR TWO SECONDS AND WHEN THEY CAME BACK ON THIS GIANT BALL IN MY ROOM WAS ROLLING SLOWLY AND I SCREAMED AND RAN OUTSIDE

- My Love Will Never Die- Are you dating anyone?

do i look like gf material

- It Will Come Back- Do you like to write?

yes

- To Noise Making- Do you like to sing?

i sing jolene to my cats sometimes. also rains of castamere and feed me seymour.

- Talk- What’s your best friend like?

i dont have a best friend but all of them are not dumbasses so they have that going for them

- Nobody- Who in your life is important to you?

van sends me strange things that im not even sure are safe for this blog

- Foreigner’s God- Do you ever talk to yourself or something above?

i talk to my cats and call them ugly and tell them theyre lucky to be alive but i act like they just got out of a horror movie trap and im the murderer

- Sunlight- Do you prefer sunny or rainy weather, or somewhere in between?

rainy bc uwu helps me sleep. sunny bc i like to walk.

[03-23-2018]

Please if I ever try to be with my ex again please remind me.

Reasons not to get back together with him:

Reasons I left my ex:

#1 He hit our daughter in the face, left a bruise on her cheek and there's court documents and proof...

(dont be stupid, this should be enough to remind you, Destiny)

#2 Yelled at our son and got mad at him, even though hes only a baby (2-4months old) would set him down really hard and tell him to shut up. Especially when playing video games.

#3 Smoked for hours outside

#4 Smoking was more important than feeding our children

#5 Smoking was more important than changing our kid's diapers

#6 Video games, the phone and friends were more important than paying attention to myself and the kids

#7 He had really stinky feet and crusty socks

#8 He was never taught to do laundry until he met me

#9 He's really messy and leaves stuff everywhere

#10 Lets dishes mold, never rinsed them

#11 Would make me/rarely ever take care of the kids even though I was sick, ill, tired or just came out of the hospital and refused to help because of selfish reasons

#12 Never contributed financially without throwing a fit or asking his parents to cover it for him

#13 Let the cats suffer with nasty litterboxes, let them poop everywhere, never bought them toys, food, etc.

#14 Yelled at me, made mean faces at me, would pound on the door when I needed space

#15 Would bully our child all day and wouldn't stop until I joined in so he could blame me for it or would direct his anger at me for comforting her

#16 Left his hair everywhere in the shower

#17 Never helped lift, carry or move heavy things unless he felt like it, I had to do it most of the time

#18 Went through classes to help with his behavior for a year then later used that knowledge against me to say I was abusive

#19 Wasn't that affectionate overtime, he became distant, moody, agitated

#20 Treated his parents like shit, told them to fuck off and go away when they would try to help him

#21 Eventually I became the new target when his parents weren't around for him to explode on then eventually the kids when I fought back

#22 Would never buy things we needed, often would spend his money on himself for weed, cigs, guitar stuff, etc.

#23 Snores really loud

#24 Wouldn't give me space when I needed it, would refuse to sleep on the couch

#25 Cheated on me while I was pregnant on Halloween which was my favorite Holiday and an ex cheated on me on Halloween and he knew that so he cheated on me the EXACT SAME WAY my ex did, in a car and slept with a newly 18 year old girl at my brothers house

(as well as that Halloween was the best one our daughter had and he ruined it)

#26 Blamed me for the cheating

#27 Hed blame me for a lot of things

#28 7 out of 10 and 181 out of 200 on the MOSAIC test

#29 Never tried to get a vehicle until we separated

#30 Wouldn't respect my feelings, boundaries and continue bringing people into his life that he knew I was uncomfortable with

#31 Threatened to kill my ex boyfriend the first time I moved on from him, never was able to rekindle even a friendship with my ex over that bc he started dating his ex again.

#32 Threatened to drag my ex's dog from the back of a motorcycle bc he claimed he knew the "hells angels"...

#33 Got mad at me if I used the last of our money on OUR kids if he ran out of weed or cigarettes

#34 Had a problem with all of my friends, regardless of gender, but especially if they were overweight, ugly or really close to me.

#35 Often told me I should have had plenty of attractive female friends and was mad that I didn't

#36 Convinced me every guy I talked to was out to harm me, have sex with me or rape and/kill me and to get away from them asap.

#37 Almost left me, pregnant, with our daughter on the streets in Reno so he could go back home to Gridley bc he had work the next day. He didn't care about our safety, he cared more about his job. He yelled at me for about 2-3 hours in the parking lot for refusing to get in the car with his abusive friend's girlfriend (in reno) until some man intervened and took us to get food. He then left me and our daughter stranded for about an hour or two to get our luggage and I had to beg someone to give us enough money to get a hotel and then when my brother showed up to get us he had me leave with his parents bc he had them come get us thus resulting in my bro and his gf probably being a little irritated about everything.

#38 the second time I left him and moved on with a boyfriend he quit his job (the same one he would've abandoned us in reno for) so that way he could stay at home with us

#39 my water broke early and he'd visit me in the hospital very rarely and barely tried, sometimes he'd cause fights in the hospital

#40 yelled at me while our son was in the NICU and rarely wanted to go take care of him when we went to see him

#41 weed, cigs and drinking are very important to his identity and he would judge someone if they didn't partake

#42 Used the "Hells Angels" club to intimidate me or people I knew/loved/cared about over a lot of things

#43 I was the main person who paid for everything, did everything, sent him to walk with my money to get things we needed sometimes having to plead and beg him to do it and it still was never good enough. I never did enough for him or anybody

#44 Would call me psycho a lot or crazy and threaten to do something about it when I'd stand up for myself

#45 Kept his abusive father around even though he almost was killed by him Christmas of 2016

#46 Our kids were told to shut up or stop crying, our first kid by his father when we lived with him then later our son was treated the same by Jesus

#47 Kept anything around that would bother me, did things that'd bother me, constantly would push buttons to keep me miserable even when I opened up and told him it made me miserable he continued doing it

#48 Blamed everything and everyone for his own actions

#49 Would tell me he loved me, but would rarely ever show it

#50 Hated my parents and would talk shit about them any chance he'd get as well as other family members

#51 He'd purposely ignore me when I'd talk and wouldn't reply to me even if he heard me

#52 he’d get mad at the sound of me eating, chewing or any small things that were normal. I noticed he started making me food less and less.

#53 would yell at me if I changed my mind about having sex

#54 Was a VERY ANGRY drunk and did try to hit me or be abusive while drunk

#55 would yell and/or intimidate the kids and me for hours, sometimes we had to lock ourselves in the bedroom, I have recordings of him screaming for hours and banging on the door not allowing us to sleep...

#56 would lie about things to “save face” or keep his reputation clean, especially his DV charges with me + our kid(s) (even though its in court documents and on file)

#57 thought things I learned in my psych class were bullshit and argued with my education

#58 lack of contact for days, weeks, months on end about the children, says one thing does another, doesn’t want to co-parent or get along for the children’s sake, doesn’t want to meet my significant other or meet people the children will be around, which is ridiculous bc I think the children deserve better than that

#59 hated my self expressive part of myself, hated that I was polyamorous, didn’t accept things about me like my openmindedness about lgbt/trans/ things I was passionate about, very close minded and judgemental and held me back from being able to fully be myself

#60 refused to leave my side when we’d break up, would threaten to take the kids to another country, would intimidate or stay in the household or prevent me from being able to move on. No intentions of letting me live my life without him so I had to flee and separate us both from our children to forcibly get him out of the picture.

#61 still had to “save face” myself to slowly break the relationship to move forward

#62 he believed staying together was better for the children, even in a miserable, toxic and extremely unhealthy environment that he made minimal efforts to change

#63 screamed and yelled and made me feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time

#64 would hold our daughter down or use very sexist, overpowering punishments. would use scare tactics or anger towards her.

#65 Never took responsibility for his errors, it was hard to get him to admit his faults. had to use the “dont know what you got until its gone tactic” and walk away or cut off communication, if even possible

#66 his parents called me by his exes name for almost the first year of our relationship

#67 said I was supposed to cook, clean and give him kids and do very old-fashioned things for him

#68 would make me think there were evil entities and scare me to stay awake all night with him

#69 he’d interrupt me a lot and would barely let me feel, would barely allow me to cry without yelling at me or making the argument about him, even if it was originally about my feelings about something that hurt me

#70 I was barely ever able to have a voice and couldn’t go out and do things for fear of upsetting him if it was with someone he didnt like/ didnt approve of.

#71 criticized my music taste, made me feel bad about liking certain artists

This list is not a direct representation of the entire relationship. It is only a small percentage of the toxic, unhealthiness that I endured. This is a personal journal entry I have chosen to share, this was my reality. I am hoping that people will use this knowledge to recognize when they might need help, to reach out, to look into resources, recognizing abuse, unhealthy behaviors, and basically to utilize it as a tool, not an instrument to bully or harass anyone, including myself and/or person(s) unnamed. 

I also understand these are my personal experiences and reasonings, not everyone’s situations are the same as mine. Please dont take offense to anything, it’s not directed at you. This list is the MAIN thing that helped me move forward and leave an unhealthy lifestyle, without it myself and my kids would have continued to suffer and possibly endure and escalation of abuse. I got away and decided not to take that chance or have it be a possibility. Thank you for reading this.

http://www.thehotline.org/

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. Users of web browser Microsoft Edge will be redirected to Google when clicking the “X” or “Escape” button.

More to be added soon as I think of them

(I will be rereading this a lot to myself when I feel weak and I'm posting it to share with others so you all are aware and hopefully can and will help keep me focused on moving forward away from him)

[space--is--gay]

do all of em for both

If you really wanna read all of these you can, but if not I’m not about to clog up your dash lmao

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Nope, I love Ashley but thats TOO FAR2. You talked to an ex today, correct? nah3. Have you taken someones virginity? Nope4. Is trust a big issue for you? Yeah, and some people didnt help that much5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Not in a couple weeks. I think she’s coming to see me this weekend tho6. What are you excited for? This weekend lol7. What happened tonight? I took a nap & woke up in a great mood8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Nah, let them live their lives, dude9. Is confidence cute? Yesssss10. What is the last beverage you had? Gatorade11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 012. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? I only own skinny jeans. You can pry them from my cold dead hands13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Not sure yet14. What are you going to spend money on next? Probably coffee tbh15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? NO16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? I sure hope so17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Briannaaaa18. The last time you felt broken? I really don’t know (which is so cool!!!!)19. Have you had sex today? Bruh, I’ve never had sex20. Are you starting to realize anything? I like what happiness feels like, and I like having people in my life who actually care about me21. Are you in a good mood? Yes22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Alright so I saw 47 Meters Down and the answer is a definite negative23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Nope24. What do you want right this second? A kiss from someone tbh25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I mean, it would suck but I’m not her girlfriend so I can’t really say much26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? unfortunately27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No way28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Probably myself or a meme tbh29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? I think so, but ya still gotta be careful31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? I don’t even remember the last boy I talked to32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Yep33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I drink 1 a month34. Listening to? Fletcher35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Sometimes36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Probably in New York but that’s just a guess lol37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yeah38. Who did you last call? My mom39. Who was the last person you danced with? Man i dont even know40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? I loved her41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? I don’t remember42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Nope43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? My life is an embarrassment, so yes44. Do you tan in the nude? I don’t do anything except shower in the nude45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? I don’t think so, actually46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Nope47. Who was the last person to call you? Mom48. Do you sing in the shower? If i’m home alone49. Do you dance in the car? Sometimes50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes, it was difficult51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 8th grade?52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yes, but i love them53. Is Christmas stressful? Yes54. Ever eat a pierogi? a what now?55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Teacher, Orthodontist, Chef57. Do you believe in ghosts? Absolutely58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? occasionally59. Take a vitamin daily? I actually just bought some to start taking60. Wear slippers? Nope61. Wear a bath robe? Nope62. What do you wear to bed? Usually just a t-shirt and underwear63. First concert? The Cheetah Girls64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart but just bc its the only thing we have65. Nike or Adidas? Adidas tbh66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Depends on the day68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Hey Stephen69. Ever take dance lessons? Nope70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Not really71. Can you curl your tongue? Yes72. Ever won a spelling bee? YES in the 3rd grade73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes74. What is your favorite book? The Outsiders 75. Do you study better with or without music? with76. Regularly burn incense? nope77. Ever been in love? Yes78. Who would you like to see in concert? Halsey or Fletcher79. What was the last concert you saw? I don’t even remember tbh80. Hot tea or cold tea? Cold & sweet81. Tea or coffee? Coffee82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate Chip 83. Can you swim well? Eh84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? No85. Are you patient? NO WAY JOSE86. DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ87. Ever won a contest? yes, i won several webkinz in 4th grade (like 12)88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope89. Which are better black or green olives? Neither90. Opinions on sex before marriage?  You do you, dude91. Best room for a fireplace? Living room92. Do you want to get married? Absolutely

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? I don’t have a closet door sooooo2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Not usually3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? I don’t use a top sheet sooooo4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Nope, but there’s one near my house I want to steal5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Yeah i do6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Always7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Neither?????8: Do you have freckles? Not really9: Do you always smile for pictures? Nah, i kinda hate my smile so10: What is your biggest pet peeve? I don’t really know, I have a lot of them lol11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? I do, actually. I didnt realize it until recently12: Have you ever peed in the woods? Indeed13: What about pooped in the woods? Nah bro14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? Not really15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? Not chew, but I put the caps to my pens in my mouth16: How many people have you slept with this week? 017: What size is your bed? Full 18: What is your Song of the week? Mine by Bazzi19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yeah, you do you, bro20: Do you still watch cartoons? They’re funnier than most other tv so21: Whats your least favorite movie? TITANIC22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Not telling my secrets23: If you’re a girl, bra size? If you’re a guy, pants size? Why does it matter?24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Honey mustard usually25: What is your favorite food? Mac and Cheese26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Pirates of the Caribbean (any of them)27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? Mafe (and i’m sick of saying it so someone kiss me PLEASE)28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? I was indeed29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? They would pay me to put my clothes back on so30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I wrote one for J’s birthday31: Can you change the oil on a car? Nope32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? NOpe33: Ever ran out of gas? NOpe34: Favorite kind of sandwich? PB&J35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? Grits 36: What is your usual bedtime? Whenever I pass out37: Are you lazy? Yeah, I guess38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? One year I was bubblegum under the table39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? I really dunno40: Are you horny? Almost always41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nope42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legosssss43: Are you stubborn? Ask any of my friends (or ex’s) and the answer is definitely yes44: Who is better…Leno or Letterman? Neither, Fallon.45: Ever watch soap operas? I used to with my Grandma46: Are you afraid of heights? Yepppp47: Do you sing in the car? Always48: Do you sing in the shower? When i’m home alone49: Do you dance in the car? Sometimes50: Ever used a gun? Yeah, I used to when I was younger, but I haven’t in years

[sey2017-blog]

// August 29 2017

To describe the past week and a half? I would say... bipolar. 

I finally finished my first week of work. I met some really good people. David, the 29 year old artist/white guy, Jinny 22, Henny 23, Stella 23, JiHun 23, Jung Hyun 25 were all my mains this week. I had dinner with a girl named JunMin, which was fun and sometimes I walk to work with Mina when I run into her. People in Korea are really kind in terms of helping you out. Stella treats me like her own sister already and I’ve known her a week and a half. If I spill something on my shirt or have wrinkles on my shirt she would help me straighten it out, she introduced me to people that would be good to network with, put in a good word for me at work so I can work in my desired section, and gave me a lot of advice for work- opportunities that I need to take and how to do better than the other interns that are going to come. I JUST met her and she was bending her back doing things I wouldn’t even have thought to do for my acquaintances. She even showed me the best bathroom in the building to poop (without me even asking). She... is the definition of the real MVP. She also called me randomly and we chatted this weekend til 2AM. Jung Hyun Oppa also lent me his portable charger when I was going to fix my phone, tried to trouble shoot my phone, walks me to the station, gives me directions everywhere, etc. I slept over at Jinny’s house and she let me sleep in her bed alone, shower, and even made me breakfast after knowing me for a week. People are just really kind and feel like family fast in Korea as opposed to America where people need some time to become close. 

They are leaving this week and it will just be me and JiHun left for the interns....  I met SO many people! Last thursday I went to an event where all the interns of all offices gathered and talked to the ambassador. More people than I’d meet in a year in Eugene! I also saw this really handsome man that I saw last month but it turns out he works at the US embassy too. I realized I definitely like the dark hair dark eyes tan skin look. It makes me feel good that I met all these nice people and am excited for the interns that will be coming into our office. I also realized that I had been only hanging with people my own age for a long time, andd now that Im with a lot more people in their 20s, age is more negligible than  at other ages. Like how I can have good convos with the guy that’s 29 even though he’s 8 years older, as opposed to if I was 11 and he was 19. I’m going to take it as a true sign of being an adult. 

Working at an embassy is interesting. There is a lot of exclusivity. I can go into areas other people can’t because I have a badge, and I get to escort guests because they can’t go anywhere without an escort. But also, there are a lot of places I don’t have access too, like the Base. The base is where the american diplomats and their families live. I got to go to a party in the base two nights ago and it was interesting because when I mentioned going in the base, my fam/friends were shook and excited because not just anyone is allowed to go. I don’t know how I feel about this exclusivity thing. People are definitely NOT treated as equals, and I think that kind of bugs me. Also, it bothers me that kids of diplomats can just get jobs and get paid for it in the embassy just because they are the kids of the diplomats, while we are out here working for free. Jinny was complaining to me about having to go to work (she lives 10mins away and has a shuttle that takes her which would make it 4 minutes) and she gets paid and does less work, and I just told her to stop complaining. Also her sister was telling me how she works in the embassy and just naps and nobody notices (and she gets paid for it). Jinny joked about her and i skipping work the next day and the other interns said if Sey does that she will get fired!!! and Jinny said oh... I can’t get fired... cuz the Americans view me as their own kid messing up.... because they are also diplomats like my dad. I understand people come from different backgrounds,  but that just didn’t sit quite well with me and just bugs me. It doesn’t make sense that something that’s supposed to be so professional like diplomacy can be run that unfairly (from my point of view). I’m realizing that maybe it isn’t what I thought it was.

When I went to the intern lunch, I saw grad students that were 23, who had passed the FSO exam and would be going to DC in the fall to start their careers as diplomats. At that young age! I was so impressed. Also, listening to the ambassador’s story of travels, diplomacy, and experiencing different cultures, I realized what an important and meaningful job being a diplomat was and it made me more interested in becoming one. Being around people who have accomplished a lot and are going places makes me set my sights even higher and be excited for my career. 

I’ve also been very discouraged as well. My family got annoyed with me and thought I was being rude cuz i was cranky when I napped and didnt eat dinner, and they were passive aggressive with me for a couple days. They aren’t that interested in what I have to say about work, and always seem to be stuck in their own bubbles, which is fine. One night I didnt want to go home because I was annoyed at my fam and I just sat on the swings outside my apartment and had my alone time. I feel like I have to watch my actions at home and at work and can never truly be myself or have alone time. I havent had time to watch TV or my hobbies and even writing this is such a treat for me. I’ve teared up multiple times because I’m so drained from dealing with family, not having enough alone time, being so tired, and I have to take care of myself. It was fine doing it in eugene but here it’s discouraging because they wanted me to stay in this city instead of moving so they could take care of me and they havent been doing that that well. Sometimes they try. yesterday i treated myself at Daiso, an asian dollar tree and I bought stuff that I like and a cute bulletin board to remind me of people who I can be myself around. I put up messages from nomuna, jessy and brenda from nomuna’s birthday gift last year. It was a friendly reminder. 

My family is going on a vacation without me because i cant get the days off. They didnt even talk to me about it they just said... “can u get 11th off?” and i said hesitantly “uhhh....” and then the other aunt said “whatever she cant it’s whatever” so i think im going to be home alone. I got mad at mom last week cuz she wrote me 10 pages on how I should act around my family. She said dont just do ur dishes, do EVERYONE’s dishes. Dont be picky with food, say this to gma, act like this to this aunt, like that to this aunt, blablabla. I got mad at her because I already feel so uncomfortable living with family here because... they seem to care less about my work or day than even my friends back home. It’s just so weird that they are family but are less family than my friends and that’s just so uncomfortable to me and awkward. I was very open at first sharing my day but i can tell they don’t listen attentively and brush things i say off. they DO have their way of showing love, such as calling me when it’s raining LOL (which is useless like wtf r u gonna do by calling). I just miss being myself, and I miss being heard. 

I went to a party on Sunday and it was SUCH a blast!!! Koreans know how to have a good time. We played TONS of games and I won at most of them. :) I also realized how quiet I was compared to other people and thought to myself, “ i am so awkward in group settings”. 

Last friday, I went to Han river with the childhood friend. it was an AMAZING time. We sat on the grass and ate pizza and joked around and took pictures of the city and walked across the bridge of life / suicide bridge and read the quotes. He is probably the only one I truly 100% feel myself around in Korea, and I really like hanging out with him. 

There are also so many couples here. Couples kissing, couples hugging, couples in couple shirts, couple shoes, couple pants, couple hairstyles.... Too many couples. It makes me feel single and I aint even single. I miss bryan a lot too. I just miss having someone there to experience everything with me and knowing all my problems and asking how my day was in person. After being here, I am even more appreciative that I have someone who I can really truly be myself without having to filter myself. It makes me miss home, but in all honesty, I just miss the people.  

Also, I get fat shamed a lot here. By my gma, by a kid in an elevator, basically by random people like aunts too. And i hear a lot of other crap too sometimes, about my personality, about my habits, but fat shaming is the most prominent. The fact that i can hear that stuff and not give a flying f/laugh about it really has shown me i don’t care about what people say and am really confident in who I am, which I think is something good I realized. I truly believe that if you want to go far, you should not be able to let people’s opinions or judgments deter your belief in who you are.

It took a while to write this. But the point is, I miss my friends, but I’m making new ones, staying busy, having fun, trying to treat myself and love myself once in a while, and even if I can’t be myself most of the time, I really am trying to find some alternatives. These past weeks have been so eventful, so busy, and I am so blessed to meet so many good people and to be learning so much. <3