#but i do have to periodically remind myself that that fic specifically did not actually happen in said canon

[therulerofallpotatos]

Hannigram Fic Rec List

In no particular order, some hannigram fics I recommend

This is in response to @cassyglenn 's post from a few hours ago I just saw.

So Delicate the Bones by unrealshrike

Summary:

After her father's unsolved disappearance, sixteen-year-old Adeline finds herself at the mercy of a new school, serial killers, FBI agents, and an unorthodox psychiatrist. Meanwhile, Hannibal wants to provide Will with a child after the fatal incident at the Hobbs’ home, and who better than his opportune new patient?

Chp 26/26 Word Count: 177,096 Words

So Delicate the Bones is one of those special fics in this fandom that introduces an original character into the main cast that is both genuinely interesting on their own and fits in with the established ensemble seamlessly. The story is riveting and I was sucked into it almost immediately. I highly recommend this. My bookmark notes (which I design specifically for me) were: An absolute epic of a novel. Adeline/Addie/Del

The Voices and the Shadows by darlinghogwarts, MaddyHughes, and slashyrogue

Summary:

“The Chesapeake Ripper? The serial killer? That's a grisly thing to find at the bottom of a drink. Most people say oblivion ...or possibly sex.” Hannibal sips his wine again. “Why are you thinking about a murderer on your birthday, Will? Is it part of your degree?”   “He is a part of my degree by my own choice. My supervisor didn’t approve, but…” He sighs. “I insisted.” AU where Will—a Masters student studying the Chesapeake Ripper—gets drunk on his birthday and meets an intriguing man at the bar.

Chp 36/36 Word Count: 114,625

My personal bookmark note that I wrote in 2017 when I made this bookmark: The sweetest slowest most infuriating and beautiful burn you will ever experience.

In all honesty I read this in high school when I first started reading Hannibal fanfiction. I might've even read this before watching the show. That said, I don't make a note like that lightly. I only ever write notes like these when I want to remind a me years in the future why I bookmarked something in the first place. Some of the best novels I've read were a handful of fics that I'd make that note for. I know that this enthralled me, sucked me in. I was invested. I was glued to it for days. If this were another fandom, I might expect for it to hit softer if I were to reread it now, but Hannigram in particular has a habit of hitting just as hard at 25 years old as it did at 17 years old.

Light Up the Torches by HigherMagic

Summary:

"We need to find out who this rogue agent is," Sutcliffe says. "Right now, I think it would be fair to assume they're one of ours or our allies', since only our enemies are being killed." Hannibal nods. "Hold briefings with all your captains," he tells them. "I want no stone unturned. Tell them that whoever is doing this will not come to harm; I would very much like to meet them."

Chp 1/1 Word Count: 7,197

My bookmark note was: Oh fuck yes

It must have been delightful. I know myself well enough to know this is just a good time to be had.

The Living Doll by Anna_Jay

Summary:

Will is aware of what he's getting himself into when he buys the dreaded Doll House. Because of the cursed doll, no one has been able to stay longer than a month. He doesn't mind. Perhaps death would be kind after everything he's been through. Over the next few days Will finds himself attached to the strange doll he's named Hannibal. After all, it is just a doll. Right?

Part 2/3 Chp 9/9 Word Count: 35,675

The Living Doll is a 3 part series in which part 2 is the bulk of the story. The link above is for the series so you can easily start at the beginning. This is hands down one of my favorite fics. Ever. Like across all fandoms. actually no. it's one of my favorite novellas I've ever read period. I actually wrote my own haunted ball joint doll fic for a completely different fandom because of this fic's inspiration (it is nowhere near as good but I can share it if you're interested I suppose. It's still a very different story). It's creepy. It's romantic. It's intense and classic. It could easily get picked up by Blumhouse Productions and make a very good movie out of it. If you read anything on this list, read this.

Darling, Don't Be So Shy by murdergatsby

Summary: Will is a paranormal investigator with a special gift. Hannibal is a demon swelling with boredom. Their meeting was supposed to lead to a simple exorcism, but Will has a nasty habit of getting attached.

Chp 13/13 Word Count: 34,571

This was also one of my first Hannigram fics I read back in high school. I adored this fic. I'm a big fan of haunting each other/possession/melding each other into one type dynamics and their distinct dynamic in this story drew me in like a moth to a flame. i read it more than once and saved it here for safekeeping. I will likely reread it after finishing this list.

How to Save a Life (The Cannibal-Friendly Handbook) by KittenDiamore

Summary:

There’s a man looking up at Will, who has clearly been distracted from - Oh. Throwing limbs into the river. Human limbs. Lovely, he thinks sarcastically. Then he thinks it again because it actually is kind of lovely. The man looks confident. At ease with what he is. He’s kinda hot, too. Or: Will tries to jump off a bridge but ends up offering himself up to a cannibalistic serial killer...as you do.

Chp 1/1 Word Count: 3,463

For a shorter rec, this is a delightful little one-shot with a different first meeting (I love different first meeting fics). Delightful premise. Delightful follow through. Had this in my bookmarks for years as well.

There is also one more fic I was expecting to find in my bookmarks and now am going to ask anyone to help me find because it isn't there. There was a series that I read early on (probably 2017) that was about Hannibal who had a 10yo son at the time of the show. The story evolved into a series that was about that son and it deserved to be. It was one of those special projects where an original character naturally stole the show and we were reading to see where his story would take him more than anything else. These were novels and they were epic and I would love to get my hands on it again. This child was cunning and devoted to his father and his own personal ambitions. Any help finding this fic and any fics similar to it would be extremely welcome.

Oh! and a link to my bookmarks as well because there are more fics there. I just listed the ones that stood out the most/that I remembered enough to write my own spiel about them. I have not actually read every single fic I've marked, but even those are interesting enough that I saved them for later.

[seven-stars-in-his-palm]

who says you're not getting an ask? because I'm giving you one right now!

anyway, I'm curious about Burn Fast, Burn Bright. not anything specific really, just surprise me ig. I love that fic of yours a whole lot as I'm sure I've stated to you before.

CAN WE GET ON WITH THIS?? TY!!! fic in question, which is OLD as HELL and I got second hand embarrassment from all the things I could’ve done better MAN. here are my thoughts before we get into it;

- this was the second fic I’d written for stanuary, and one of the longer fics I’ve written Ever actually. 15k words. I don’t know how I was able to produce so many words for these events ngl I hope I can redo that this year ANYWAY. first impressions? shallow angst. I think that’s what this is gonna be TO ME, because I’m the author and I hate myself. this was written almost a year ago… ough

- the descriptions will be Okay, but could be Better. I think I’ve gotten better at those hopefully.

- I was writing a lot of 80s angst during this time period and this was the second in that bunch. loose ties and ends, that one kid from jersey, unfortunate ends, like?? I was on a roll. what was wrong with me (still wrong with me)

- the gnomes are here? damn. I like gnomes

- oh that summary. already fucking me up

- I’m going in with the mindset that even at the time I knew that there was improvement to be had. This is my growing. I’m STILL growing. we can do this. I was still trying to find my groove. NOW LETS GOOOOOO

He’s left the damned duffel bag.

The one thing he had to take, and he’s left it behind. Stan has nothing to curse but his own self, because how is he so stupid as to not notice for a whole day? He’d spent the whole day driving through Oregon, hopping from gas station to gas station and it’s only now, the next morning, that he realizes there are no extra clothes to change into?

already onto a great start /genuine. an earlier draft had this to be a Lot more aggressive—using exclamation points and harsher language and shit, but once I realized that it would be a little odd that we start so strong, I toned it down. I think it gives a bit more of ‘resonate despondence’, which is very (sometimes) stan

Ford had always been bad at explaining things. He always expected the listener to know exactly what he’s talking about, be at his exact intelligence level, so that his ‘explaining’ could be understood with just a few words. 100% of the time, that isn’t the case.

literally me. best but of ford characterization someone could have conjured fr

okay already a detour but did you guys know I read my fics in my head in a VERY SPECIFIC tone, and that’s why most of the italicizations and em dashes exist? that’s why they’re there because if someone doesn’t read it the way I do I slowly die inside /silly I still do it today and I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t have to do everything for my reader. I should trust them.

(Yeah, Stan wants to let his anger out, but he’s not gonna kill the guy. Ford looks fragile enough as it is, and if he fights any harder he’ll probably break his leg or a rib. No point in damaging him, really.)

yes that’s so nice stan. you’re such a good brother dude oh my GOD IM—

this whole ford pleading scene here. here’s some bits;

“It…” Ford inhales deeply. “It’s not forever. I just need it away.”

“I don’t—Stan, I don’t want you to sail away to the ends of the Earth.”

“This—this, right here, I can’t do it.” Ford gestures to the portal wildly, giving it a scowl that could give Stan a run for his money. He almost thinks it’s directed at him, since he stands in front of the machine’s eye. “I can’t fix this!”

oh I’m feeling the feelings what the fuck. I can hear the last dialogue SO WELL. I remember vividly rewatching atots like four times just to listen to the fight and I’m still not desensitized. like the way ford delivers such a genuinely misguided request and seeing nothing wrong with how it might be worded which ALSO being on the verge of snapping? yeah ford I’ll give you a pass you’re going through shit. I’m so glad it still reads!!!

“I’m already too far gone, Stanley, an-and I can’t think of anyone else, anyone who would want to help.”

ohhhhhi can hear this too. it’s a Hint you know. it’s supposed to tip you off; something is REALLY wrong….

okay I’m restraining myself from pasting this entire ford exchange but it’s so GOOD. I’m flattering myself. And I didn’t even take that long on it I remember I wrote most of chapter one in a single burst. everything you see? barely edited. all put on at once. threw up on a page. I was feeling things

Ford sets the Journal aside. He, aside from the glaring obvious, does not look shaken up. “Yes, I know. Never… see me again.”

He sounds bitter. Almost too bitter for his liking. It’s almost contagious, from how it seems to roll off him and outwardly.

“You…” Stan has to phrase this kindly. “You know I don’t want that, right?”

Ford doesn’t relax. Instead, his gaze only darkens. “I know.”

i remember crying. I was tearing UP. that’s them. that’s something I would say if I were stan. make sure they know that I don’t want that. I…!!!!

Stan wonders what Stan will say.

one of the few bits I was smiling for when writing this….

So he should be here.

I forgot the name for this literary device even though I started using it religiously after this BUT YEAHHHHHHHH GET OUR FEELINGS BABE

not gonna paste it but what ford(‘s body) is hiding by. I’m gonna be honest despite watching atots so much I forgot where the portal opened. like dead ass, so I made it up. the bookshelf is supposed to be the portal. I think the fic ‘by the skin of your teeth’ was still severely affecting me and that was the portal in that fic. this is what you get when you don’t check your references. it literally happened to me yesterday! I was finishing up chapter six of do you remember hanging up the stars and it was about aziraphale and crowley on the ark back in 3000 bc right. I forgot what the ark looked like other than a Single Memory so I bullshitted it. I then remembered I had a Resource, Checked, and it was. well I completely forgot about where the humans would’ve gone. lol

I can’t paste it all bc it’s like the whole fic but Stan’s DENIAL. the way he’s sooooo deep in it that it’s a physical jarring when he’s ripped out of it. he’s literally such a denial grieved it’s SICK and I can’t believe I wrote it so easily. Ahem. that says things I think whether good or bad is up to your interpretation

some of these dialogues are weirdly cut off. I think Stan’s a lot more of a run on sentencer. hm

okay now I’m getting into the secondhand embarrassment that would probably be extreme heartbreak had into created this. I think at this point I was very emotionally worn down; not just from writing but Life too. there’s not much to say. it just Exists

oh that fucking letter. fucking letters. I love ford letters you know that they’re so delectable especially when he’s allowed to make them long. this WHOLE THING. wow. and the way he OPENS IT. classic ‘we don’t have much time’ action type beat *writes a two paged letter*. also the crossing out things. I’m a fucking genius. augh

I don’t know if you would like to stay in Gravity Falls after this, but I would like you to do two things, the two things I could not.

UHM EXCUSE ME YOU REALLY THINK SO?? LIKE GENUINELY??? woah buddy. anyways this hurts me because I know he’s being genuine about this he DOESNT know if Stan would like to stay. he doesn’t know. HE DOESNT KNOW—

Unless there is an afterlife, this is Stanford Pines, your brother, signing off.

(Thank you, Stan. For everything.)

THAT. THAT? I was kicking my little evil feet oh I WAS. I was thinking ‘what could I do in character that could REALLY fuck you up?’ and I landed there. I loved it so much I literally used the thank you ploy again for a recent whumptober entry and it STILL HIT FOR ME. like. ford and thank yous. always painful 🥹

Two: After all this?

Stan isn’t planning to last a week.

see look it’s funny because. because the summary is about stan always following through with his plans. it was a parallel. he went through with a plan and it resulted in ford fucking off the face of the earth. so now he’s got a new one. new mission, new plan, new end. I loved thatshit…..

He didn’t expect for the pawn off to be so violent.

I had a very different opening here; it was something with bill watching everything before unfold and THEN cut to ford going through with the plan? but then I decided ‘hey wait a sec we never see stan LEAVE after that little flashback. how did that leaving go?’ and now we’re here. damn I even had an alt opening

now that we know ford’s suicide is inevitable (and that we’re in his head) I start slathering that foreshadowing everywhere….

“Okay. Okay, I’ll go. But I’m comin’ back, ya hear me? I’m not leavin’ you again.”

it’s giving crowley saying ‘I’m coming back, I won’t leave you alone’. hehehe

It does untangle, after a few seconds of frantic pulling and Ford’s shouting beforehand.

Stan doesn’t have the decency to apologize. He flaps his palm as if he got burned. “Yeesh. Your hair’s a mess.”

look it’s funny because. because. well you know. hair untangling. corpse

“And get some fucking sleep! You look half-dead!”

There it is.

yeahhhhhhh I was just being mean. stan babygirl he’s already going to do it. don’t add insult to injury

It was time to enact Plan A. If Plan A didn’t work (which it had to. He didn’t even have a Plan B) then it’d be time to panic.

the original title for this fic (like the FIRST ONE. not when I turned this into a two parter) was called ‘Plan B’, because 1) plan A indeed does not work and plan b is suicide, and 2) B for Bill. :)

But knowing Stanley, he’d find a way to show just how pissed off he was at Ford even if he was in the afterlife.

:) x2. still proud of this

When Fiddleford first learned of the gnomes, he was more than disturbed. Almost spooked. Ford had insisted that as long as you had bug spray and mushrooms, they would be manageable. Sadly, Fiddleford had thought mushrooms ‘takin’ care of the problem’ would be in warding them away, that mushrooms were a repellant of some kind.

FIDDLEFORD MY BELOVED!!!! I love writing beats like this I still do. it’s just so nice to take random hcs and put them in the most tense and matter of fact situations just to distract us a little. make us look away, but not entirely. ough

He wants to shake on it.

it’s the little traumas that break our hearts.

okayyyyyy I’ll be honest ford leaving the portal for someone else to kill it is Very ooc. I’ll admit that. but I need my Scenario!!!!! I don’t regret it. just know that I acknowledge it. *cries*

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the ‘method’. oh ‘the method’. fucking kills me. he debated ont his. rationally. RATIONALLY I WAS LITERALLY THAT ONE MEME THATS SCREAMING AT MY CHARACTERS TO STOP BUT IM THE ONE WHOS PUTTING THEM THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE—

ough. the bullet points. okay I’m running out of commentary steam but let me say this. I asked for hcs on my blog right? so I could put some of those here because even I run out of hcs eventually, and people DELIVERED. I loved them. I put every single one in at least One point, and seeing these tiny memories just spring up at he’s doing this is like that thing with the fiddleford/mushrooms bit. he’s distracting himself. making th situation less scary in his eyes. OUGH

OH AND THE PILLS NOT BEING FORD’S BUT STAN’S? ONE OF MY KAST ALTERATIONS BUT SOOOOOOO WORTH IT. NO NOTES JUST ULTIMATE ANGST

Ford had considered being a doctor for some time while in elementary school. It was a given, considering his intelligence and avid nature towards sciences. His love for the supernatural always gave in however, and it has won every battle. But for a long time after, a part of him wanted to be a chemist, a manufacturer, a creator. Sure, it soon became a pipe dream, but for a while it was a genuine choice.

But Ford is an experimenter. He realized early on that he wouldn’t be able to resist pouring the components and chemicals on his skin, if only to see how they would react to human flesh.

motherfucker.that guy is literally me

btw these spaces after the em dashes are killing my soul. I remember once that I thought everyone else was wrong with no spaces and I was right. Oh, past me. No.

How could you not love someone like that?

God, he’s never going to see him again.

*SNIFF*

4.5 million humans in the world. 230 million humans in America. 7 million in New Jersey. 2 million in Oregon. Around sixty or seventy species of anomalies in Gravity Falls alone. And that doesn’t even account past Earth, if Crash Site Omega was accounted for.

I had to look all that shit up I don’t even know if it’s right. at first it’d been modern day stats but THEN I remembered that we’re in the fucking 1980s so ofc it’s different. ALSO LOOOK I FUCKED UP IT SAYS MILLION NOT BILLIONS. IM GONNA DIE. FUCK. either way we stay silly we stay silly!!! just know that little paragraph has caused me so much grief.

Ford always hated funerals.

this was the beginning of the ‘we hate funerals’ saga. still do hate them. I hate them, ford hates them, crowley hates them, ALL OF THE HOMIES HATE THEM 🫵🫵 /j

Mania is a feeling he knows well, and this is not that.

lmao name drop *i was on the verge of tears*

It’s Ford, the snow, and his candle, which has no more wax to burn.

THE TITLE THE TITLE THE TITLE—

the spacing. the html gave me sooooo much trouble but it was worth it!!!! every space was deliberated and checked and shit. ough. OUGH

okayyyy im capping it here because I’m so so tired. but!!! here it is. I just. wow. Less yet more corny than I thought this would be. I hope you enjoyed that little roller coaster, and I’m off on Life Adventures. Which means Errands. fuck…..

[stars-inthe-sky]

Realized after the fact that I misread (?) which emoji @miabicicletta sent! And then added this as a draft to return to later and then moved and all that jazz and am only just now cleaning out my drafts sufficiently far back.

🦟 Recommend a fic that makes you smile! Fluffy, sweet, light-hearted, that sort of thing. :)

@werebearbearbar's Old Guard AUs always have such lovely premises, generous characterizations, and perfectly pitched erotic bits, but I frequently return to "and they lit the whole thing up" with a grin because it's just such so fucking creative, as well as warm and beautiful and sweet. I loved reading it the first time through, and it's such a treat to experience unfolding again and again.

I'd also add @blithers's "A Kind of Merry War" to this list. It's just so fun and clever and wonderfully true to the show in both its characterizations and sense of humor. It's also a masterful balance of hot and horny while still being very much about teenagers, and it's just so so much fun to revisit. (Worth noting that I read it initially without having seen the show, then watched the show, and then went back and reread it a bunch more times.)

Also, as I did go back and reread the recs from my original post above after reccing them, I just want to add that @stillscape's fic is a goddamn masterpiece and I spent the entire reread grinning, literally laughing out loud, and texting her favorite lines and bits I'd forgotten. What a prize.

🦟

🐜 Recommend a fic that makes you laugh! A crack fic, or something that's just really funny!

The first thing that came to mind, if you enjoy the Old Guard, was the reveal at the end of this thoroughly great post-canon number, which always makes me chuckle.

I then started scrolling through @starred-fics for a bit before I remembered that the answer to this question is a tie between @diaphenia's "Safety Zone" and @stillscape's "Brandi Maxxxx's Masterpiece"—neither of which I've revisited in years but both of which sent me into giggles merely remembering how terrific both authors are with sitcom fic. Gosh but the heyday of Parks fandom was such a special thing.

[insert-witty-user-name-here]

Unconventional writer ask game: my answers

Thanks to @knuckleslove for this fun game. Thank you @queen-of-meows @dewdropreader @starport-seven-five and @lgwilt for the tag! I feel so honored to be thought of by amazing authors such as yourselves! Here are my answers. (and I hope you all tag me in your answers so I can read about your writing process)

How long have you been writing fanfiction?

Honestly as long as I can remember I’ve been writing drabbles and outlines. But last year was the first time I ever completed and published anything. 

Do you have a favorite word? (One that you love. Doesn’t necessarily have to be one you use all the time.)

Hm… I know my favorite themes are those surrounding love and hope.

Share a favorite run-on sentence that you’ve written.

Lol idk about a favorite. Run-on sentences are my baseline though. Here's one from Between the Golden Arches. I definitely cheat grammatically by adding in periods when technically I shouldn't.

Loki had seen and been with many men in his lifetime. Men in various states of dress, in various positions. But for reasons beyond his immortal comprehension, this man, in his ill-fitting suit, boring blue dress shirt, and only slightly above mediocre forearms, was going to be the death of him.

Share a bit of a scene that you’ve written that still gives you FEELS.

As much as I want Lokius to be canon, I think if I were to choose any scene from one of my fics to be in Season 2 it would be the scene where Loki meets Sylvie’s younger self, Princess Loki who has no fear transforming into her Jotun form.

Loki did a lot of changing and growing in the Loki series but an area still left unexplored is his deeply internalized hatred of his Jotun heritage. I’d like to see that addressed next season.

Passage at the end of this post (I couldn't cut it down- I love it too much). This scene is from the end of Rising From the Ashes.

What is your favorite kind of character interaction to write?

I really love writing inside jokes or light banter between characters. I also really love when you can see one character taking on traits or habits of another character, showing their impact on one another.

Do you have a hyper-specific genre?/ Any personal or frequently used tags?

"Slow Burn" specifically "slowest of burns because lots of individual character growth needed" and "Idiots in Love"

Share a joke or funny moment that you’ve written that still makes you laugh.

I do enjoy how I wrote Thor and Sylvie meeting in Here.

“Lady Loki-” “It’s Sylvie,” Sylvie corrected. “Oh, of course, Lady Sylvie.” “No. It’s Sylvie. Just Sylvie.” “My apologies.” Thor grabbed Sylvie by the shoulders and looked deep into her eyes. “Sylvie the Just, it is indeed a great honor to meet you.”

Best editing tip?

Read your own stuff as a reader. Once I get my fics to a place where I’m not actively cringing I like to put the editing pen away and read as a reader. Purely reading allows me to notice frequently used words, pacing issues, repeated sentence structure, etc. I don't notice those things if I'm solely focused on editing individual sentences.

What drives you to write?

My favorite stories are the ones where I learn (or am reminded of) something about myself as I watch the character struggle to overcome their internal hurdles. 

I strive to do the same in my stories. To tell a story that’s deeply resonate and reminds us all about the importance of hope, love, and growth. 

Where do you draw inspiration?

Music. I listen to a lot of music. 

What is your biggest challenge in writing?

Not giving up during that first round of editing. No matter how many times I’ve written something that ends up being something I’m proud of whenever I read a first draft of a new story I get that ugly voice that says “ah-ha so I am a fraud. I knew it. All those other stories were lucky coincidences. I actually can’t write and this is terrible.” Which just isn’t true lol.

Luckily, I know this and move past it. All part of the writing ✨ process ✨ 

What is your immediate reaction when you receive a new comment on a fic?

Happiness EXPLOSION in my brain. And then I’m smiling about those kind words all day. I want to print each one out and put it on my wall.

1-2 sentence preview from your current WIP?? (Only if you are willing.)

From the final chapter of Becoming His Mobius (posting Sunday)

A horn from a commuter train sounded outside the window. Mobius glanced at the clock beside Loki’s bed. It was later than when he normally woke up, mid-morning instead of the crack of dawn. He shifted and rolled his shoulder slightly. It was mostly healed but there was still a bit of lingering pain. He must have slept on it wrong. Loki sleeping atop him probably didn’t help but Mobius didn’t mind. He could handle a little pain. Loki stirred slightly at Mobius’ movement.  “Mobius,” the god grumbled, tightening his arms around the TVA agent, “for once in your life please sleep in. We almost died last night. Surely that has earned us a bit of a respite.” 

What story or scene are you most proud of?

Rising From the Ashes. I've been writing my entire life but this was the first story I have ever seen through to the end. Writing it allowed me to prove to myself that I could write and finish something I was comfortable sharing with the world. It will always have the most special place in my heart.

Thanks again for the tags! Also tagging my dear Lokius friends @mimisempai @loki-is-my-kink-awakening. It's been a joy to see some of your answers and reminisce about your beautiful stories and hope to read about your answers too @rins-love-wins

Share a bit of a scene that you’ve written that still gives you FEELS cont: Loki meeting Princess Loki

The young Sylvie looked at her older self again and let out an exasperated sigh before she changed right before Loki’s eyes. They told me I was adopted. The princess’ pale skin transformed to the bright blue of the Jotun, white markings etched across her face and arms. Her red Frost Giant eyes found Loki’s and she smiled cheekily. Those eyes. Loki couldn’t suppress a small gasp. Loki had always been silently grateful his body was an illusion he hadn’t figured out how to break. Loki didn’t want to look down and see that blue skin tainting his own, those red eyes staring back at him in the mirror. Loki hated this form, his true self. This form showed him what he had always believed to be true. He was the monster parents told their children about at night. Every child of Asgard lived in fear of seeing those bright red Frost Giant eyes descend upon them in the dark. They were the eyes of demons, angry and evil. And yet, looking into Princess Loki’s red Frost Giant eyes, Loki saw none of that. He saw a cheerful, intelligent, kind, if a bit mischievous child. Loki was struck once again by how similar those eyes were to Sylvie’s, how similar they were to his own. In this child’s eyes, he saw the eyes of a hero, of a warrior. He saw eyes worthy of a Princess of Asgard.

[lubdubsworld]

Nights in the City.

Crime Boss! Min Yoongi x Sassy College student OC!

Part 1/?

For all that city is supposed to be a thriving metropolis with bustling traffic no matter what the hour, it still felt incredibly creepy to be standing inside a deserted midnight mart, clutching three packs of highlighter pens, a pack of condoms and a pack of tampons.

But it was finals week, and that generally meant that either

a.) I would stress the fuck out of myself and my period would come on early

or

b.) I would run out of highlighters , fail to highlight the most important part of my notes , forget all about it during the exam and end up dropping a whole grade over it.

or

c.) I would be so horny, would manage to sneak a guy into my room and at the last minute , we would both realize we didn't have protection.

Sounds oddly specific?

These are actual things that have happened to me so, one could say I was merely being smartly proactive by preparing a contingency plan for when or in case things went wrong.

Such wisdom, much wow.

And so here i was at the local all night mart, waiting for the drunk out of his mind kid to pay for his flavored water .

My legs ached, it was pouring cats and dogs outside, and I could feel a headache come on.

Just as the guy finished paying, i felt a surge of relief. Great, I could pay and finally leave, thank you Lord, angels and every saint chilling next to Jesus-

A hand shot out from behind me slapping a wad of 100000 won bills on the counter.

"Need to see the CCTV footage from this evening kid." A low gravelly voice rumbled in my ear , so disgustingly hot it bordered on obscene.

I turned around to glare at the stranger, only to feel my breath catch in my throat.

A breathtakingly beautiful man stood right behind me, dressed in what looked like a Valentino Tux, ebony dark hair and tattoos that stood out stark against his pale skin.

He was tall and lithe, eyes cat-like yet blazing with anger ? passion? a love for opera music?

Well whatever it was, it was potent.

As was his cologne .

I gagged a little.

"Excuse me, pretty boy.... you're in my space." I snapped .

He looked surprised, like he really hadn't noticed my five foot four ass dressed in a lime green fleece jacket and purple yoga pants.

He tilted his head.

"Excuse me?"

That fucking drawl.

Rolling my eyes i pointed at the board that said " Wait your Turn."

"Can't you read?" I snapped.

He didn't reply, merely staring at me carefully, as though memorizing all my features before giving me a very blatant once over.

Not to be outdone, I did the same to him and the small smile on his face grew into an amused smirk.

The cashier's panicked voice drew us both out of our little eye fuck fest.

"Miss, please if you could step aside... hyungnim I'm so sorry...let me get the tapes for you at once..."

"That's alright. i'll send one of my men to get it later. Why don't you finish billing her items first?" He said softly. He gave me another small smile.

"Since you asked so nicely, petal." he rasped out, reaching out and gently brushing the hair off my face.

i frowned at the little endearment.

Well, no matter.

Satisfied , both at having stood up for myself and not having it backfire in my face, I grinned wide at the cashier.

Why did he look so terrified? Geez.

I finished paying and then politely stepped out of the line, indicating to Mr. Tuxedo that he could go next.

But he didn't .

instead he followed me as i walked out.

"Where do you live?" He asked casually.

I blinked, confused.

“What? Why?”

“So I can drop you off. It’s late and the city gets dangerous at night.”

I rolled my eyes.

“The city isn’t dangerous..” I lowered my voice , curling my fingers to get him to lean closer. He obliged obediently, moving closer and bending low till his ear was almost level with my lips, “ I am dangerous.”

He straightened, brows raised and lips parted.

“Oh? You are?”

I grinned conspiratorially.

“Listen, you look rich and kind of handsome so I’m going to assume that you aren’t going to mug me, so I’ll show you. Now, the reason I’m wearing this jacket that makes me look like the hulk jizzed all over me is, this jacket is the only jacket I have with big enough pockets to carry this.”

I slipped a hand into my pocket and pulled out my trusty pepper spray.

“Ah. Smart.” He nodded in approval.

“And Dangerous.” I reminded him.

“Definitely dangerous.” He nodded again, solemnly.

Satisfied, I slipped the can back in.

“So really, kind stranger I’m perfectly safe to walk the dark streets of Seoul on this night.”

He smiled and held both hands up , stepping away respectfully.

“A strong independent woman who don’t need no man.” He said with a grin, “ Noted.”

“I’m Shinhye. What’s your name?” I asked brightly.

“Yoongi.” He smiled.

I nodded.

“Alright, Yoongi. I’m gonna go now… By the way why’d you want the CCTV footage?” I smiled at him.

Yoongi hesitated before giving me a small shrug.

“I stabbed a guy in the neck in the store this afternoon . Just wanted to make sure my men turned off the CCTV when it happened.”

I was still smiling, waiting for him to laugh at the joke, which was definitely creepy, but perhaps just in theme with what we had been discussing.

But he didn’t laugh.

And I felt the first stirrings of worry.

“Ha ha ha.” I said nervously.” That’s funny. L-O-L.”

He tilted his head.

“You think stabbing people is funny?”

I blinked, horrified.

“What, of course not… I mean… You didn’t actually stab anyone did you?”

He hesitated.

“To be fair, he stole from me. If I didn’t stab him and drop his body in the Han, then other people are going to think its okay to steal from me too and I just can’t have that.” He said with a shake of his head.

I opened my mouth to say that the joke had stopped being funny, when three other scars came skidding into the parking lot. I yelped, stumbling on a stray rock and Yoongi caught me, hands firm on my arms , drawing me into the warmth of his chest to keep me from falling.

“Careful, petal.” He breathed right against my ear and I froze staring at the men climbing out of the cars.

Now, these men, I could believe were capable of stabbing people.

They wore small dagger at their waist, the outline of pistol holsters on their sides and their thighs.

“Boss, it’s done. We got rid of him. He’ll be fish chow by the morning.” One of them said cheerfully.

Wait.

No.

No way.

This was a dream.

I had dozed off by the tampon aisle and I was having a fever dream.

“Excellent Jungkook-ah. Boys, say hello to my girlfriend, Shinhye.” Yoongi said casually.

I jumped, trying to get away but his arm came right around my shoulder, forearm resting on the swell of my breasts as he held me closely.

“ Your- your what?”

“Girlfriend. I haven’t met a girl this intriguing in a while and well, you’re quite easy on the eyes too…”

“I… I’m not… No.. Please…” I couldn’t quite form a coherent thought.

“Oh, petal , I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t accept that no. I’m going to pick you up for dinner tomorrow night at …well wherever you live. Our first date so wear something pretty yeah?” he nuzzled my neck.

Actually nuzzled it.

What the actual fuck.

“You’re insane. I’m not dating you!” I said shrilly.

“Eight O clock.” He hummed, still pressed right up against my back. The warmth of his body was ridiculously comforting in the chill night air.

Then before I could process what he was doing, one hand came up to curl over my chin in a gently grip, tilting my face back so I was looking up into his beautiful face.

“Don’t make me wait, petal.” He said softly, before reaching down and closing his lips over mine.

It was a soft kiss , over before I could even process it.

“You said you’re dangerous right baby? I’m dangerous too. Maybe together we can be absolutely terrifying , yeah?” he was laughing now.

And i wasn't.

Infact,

I was going to pass the fuck out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's note : this is just something fluffy and ridiculous to keep me sane while I write the angsty fics.

[cp77nyexchange]

CYBERPUNK 2077 SECRET SANTA SCHEDULE & MOD SEEKING

HELLO EVERYBODY THANK YOU FOR EXPRESSING INTEREST IN THIS EVENT!

I’ve finally nailed down most of the details, so it’s time to share!

What is it?

Simply, it’s an anonymous fandom gift exchange held during the winter months. Fanfic writers and artists sign up, giving their offers and requests, and are then given someone else’s request to create for. Offers/requests consist of mandatory details like at least one ship, at least one character and do not want’s; as well as request details like likes and prompts (both optional), and if you’d be open to receiving not safe for tumblr content as/in a gift. It’s all anonymous until the gifts are posted, hence the Secret Santa name.

Who can participate?

Any fic writer or digital/traditional artist (of age 18 and up; for legal purposes and also my own convenience). You must simply be able to meet the minimum requirements. You can also sign up as both artist and writer, but in the end you will make only either fic or art, depending on your recipient’s request.

ALSO you will be able to additionally or only sign up as a pinch hitter - meaning, if there’s someone whose request can’t be fulfilled (because no one’s offering anything they’re requesting, someone else withdrew from the exchange and their recipient has no gift, etc.), you will create the gift! If you’re interested in being a pinch hitter, please reach out to me - I’m especially looking for artist pinch hitters, since that’s something I can’t do myself. Writer pinch hitters are of course also needed. Ideally, I want to have at least 5 PHs on standby for both art and fic (so at least 10 total, if every PH only does art or fic). I will also make a separate post for PHs with more details.

Requirements?

Fic: Minimum 1000 words of complete fic - no WIPs! All fic must be new and original, and created specifically for your recipient. The fic cannot be a sequel to another fic or part of a series or specific AU of yours that the recipient did not request.

Art: Art doesn't need to be fully colored but should look finished - no WIPs or sketches! Both digital and traditional art is allowed. Art pieces must be new and original, and created specifically for your recipient. In the case of traditional art, it can't be on lined paper and the quality of the digital picture must not be so bad as to not be recognizable (i.e. no blurry pictures).

SCHEDULE

(may change, though not significantly)

Sign-ups Open: 11th September

Sign-ups Close: 21st October

Assignments out by (latest): 31st October

Check In: 1st December - 5th December

No-Penalty Withdraw From The Exchange Deadline: 8th December

Gift Posting Period: 28th December - 31st December

Where is this happening?

Mainly on tumblr and discord; and on AO3 for fic (and art) posting if you wish to. Important information will be posted to this tumblr, of course. You also NEED to join the discord server, for organization purposes. You don’t have to interact or talk at all, I just need to know you’re there so I can contact you easily with your assignment/you can check in over DMs. I will also use the discord @everyone function to remind people of upcoming deadlines and such. There will be an AO3 collection, of course.

What was that about mod seeking?

Right! Basically, I need people to help run the discord server. Currently, it’s just me and I’d rather not be responsible for keeping the peace (though hopefully there won’t be too much need for that!), especially since I’m not in the most popular North American timezones.

You’d be expected to do community moderation, like:

Making sure the members follow the rules and get along

Issuing informal and formal warnings to misbehaving members

Muting members, if necessary

Voting to kick/ban a member

Resolving disputes between members

Answering questions, if you can

If you’d be interested, please do reach out to me either by messaging this blog or my personal tumblr @anaisonfire. Ideally, I’d like at least 4 mods, even better if it’s more.

I don’t plan on needing help with the actual running of the exchange, though I may ask any discord mods for their opinion on various rules phrasings and such (to make sure I’m talking sense). In case my planning turns out to be an act of hubris, I might ask discord mods if they’d like to be exchange mods as well.

That’s it in essence! Please check back in the coming days/weeks for more info, and absolutely do not be afraid to ask questions! (Anon is on.)

-anaisonfire

edit: also please reblog this, since tumblr refuses to show it in the tags ;-;

edit 9 sept: the deadline for withdrawing is no longer valid

[mangodestroyer]

Ig when I read your description of Pern, it reminded me of some weird dystopian AUs I'd come up with as a teen where humanity destroyed civilization and returned to a hunter gatherer state. Or to a prior time period technologically. Obviously these ideas were not well thought out or researched.

Thing is, when I was going to college full time, and only doing that, with no roommates or relationship or work or anything, I was doing just fine, planning out stories and spending much of my free time indulging in entertainment. But after getting my job and going through a bunch of other things, it's been very difficult to get myself engaged in anything. I think I started living in survival mode.

It's not even just the amateurish nature of some fanfic that's off-putting to me. But also just how unrealistic a lot of it is. I can't tolerate it anymore. I know fanfic exists to be a self-indulgent fantasy a lot of the time, but many stories are just a little too unrealistic about the fantasy aspect. For instance, have some of these authors just never been in a relationship before? Have some of them just never gone out into the real world and seen how people really are?

I hate to say it, but those coffeeshop AUs, for instance, just wouldn't happen irl (or if it did, it'd be under very specific/lucky circumstances). That barista would not be happy and energetic enough to care to flirt with some client. At best, they just like being a barista a little bit cause they are related to someone who owns the business, or it's the only job they could get that they could tolerate. There's a good chance they're living paycheck to paycheck and hate their life. Also, the only genuinely happy baristas I've met worked at a local coffee shop, not a big chain one. The big chain baristas look dead inside.

Also, I've worked retail a total of 2.5 years and never had the energy to notice an attractive customer. And lots of customers are very rude. I wouldn't fucking dare flirt with them, and I certainly don't go out of my way for them anymore either. My supervisor does, ofc. But only with very attractive customers, and because she just has the ability to get away with it/have it be reciprocated ig (I'd probably get fired and told I'm a creep if I did the same). So... that's another thing. You have to be very attractive to even hope for a customer service employee to take interest in you. Yeah... that's certainly not me. That's been made very clear to me on multiple occasions. In many different ways. Whenever people go on about how attractive so and so is, or how random people were flirting with them/complimenting them/giving them their number, I just want to tell them to shut it (but I don't).

Alright, I got carried away. Maybe romance isn't my thing anymore. Too many bad experiences. And, like, I can't relate to these scenarios? Literally, a story about someone becoming rich or meeting a unicorn seems more realistic to me at this point, v.s. one where they find a partner who actually loves them/is attracted to them. And like... who wouldn't want to be rich or meet a unicorn?

Alright, I admit it. Fanfic used to be my unhealthy escapism. Back when I was being bullied in school for being ugly and awkward and all that, it was nice reading fic about underdog characters getting everything. And being delusional enough to think I could make that happen for myself one day. Now, I'm just a green-eyed monster. Literally.

So I have Kindle unlimited, and I'm starting to get a lot more income. I know where to find cheap, second hand books. And I have two libraries I can borrow from in town. I know I'll be reading/purchasing Neil Gaiman books. I'll also be reading the Lord of the Rings and Outlander series (I own every book for those series because they were gifts/handed to me when grandma passed away).

Any of my followers have other recommendations? I'll read anything that is young adult to adult. So the age range is 13+ to 18+. I tend to prefer realistic fiction and fantasy. I appreciate historical fiction with fantasy elements too. I also like urban fantasy and supernatural. I'm open to more academic genres too. Pure historical fiction, or even a more philosophical book.

[captain-aralias]

3, 15 and 21 if you’d like to share ❤️

i'd be delighted :D

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

hard to say. maybe this, from Classroom Politics (spoilers if you haven't read it - they get together 😂 it all works out)

The speech is about patience and second chances. It’s about the things that happened in the last year, what coming back to Watford meant to Simon Snow. And it’s a manifesto for the kind of Mage he wants to be. The kind of person who doesn’t act on prejudice without knowing the facts, who is brave enough to ask questions.

It’s also – very obviously – a love letter. To me.

it's super cheesy, but also felt like it had exactly the right weight to it. - it feels like the end of a movie/the end of 'carry on', and did exactly what i wanted it too. this whole baz section of the ending, basically - although finding simon is a bit fast, but not too much.

15. something you learned this year

eeeeer.... i guess we all learned that simon snow doesn't have a touch aversion and baz doesn't get off on pain. so you can see a lovely pivot in my writing in july as we all read AWTWB and start to do everything differently. (exemplified by Here Be Monsters) i spent a while being super annoyed, actually, that my view of canon wasn't 100% correct ... and then people like Mad taught me/reminded me the reverse, which is that you can still justify whatever you like. :D

i learned other things from AWTWB too - which you can see in Four Weddings. i loved the texting to no one as exposition - fandom does a lot of text fic of course, and i've used texting in my fic before but just as you'd use dialogue. rainbow using baz's texting in AWTWB the way she uses simon's list in CO - to tell you about the character as well as deliver a bunch of information efficiently. i loved it!!! i just copied it for myself - i did the same thing with simon's list in 'Classroom Politics', although i think the list is more obvious about what it's doing, the texting is just genius.

i also learned that i shouldn't over-do it - i started thinking, that from a shape perspective i should hvae texting between all the chapters, but as soon as i started work on the second one, it felt like a gimac. you can have too much of a good thing. i'm glad i held off on my second change to the format until chapter 4.

ok - i think that turned into quite a good answer in the end.

21. most memorable comment/review

i like that this comment highlights readers and says - this was super important as well. i find that if you start commenting on other people's stuff, they tend to come back and write comments on your work - maybe out of awkwardness, or maybe because you opened the gates to say, it's ok, i like talking to people about writing. either way - it means i have some good comments, because i like commenting on other fics i love. some worth calling out -

@annabellelux is often one of the first commenters on the scene - she wrote this on 'Goodbye, Norma Jean', a gift fic that i wrote for her: "HOLY FUK HOLY FUCK HOLY ALBFKAKFKAJFJAJFJ / THIS IS MORE AMAZING THAN I COULD HAVE EVER HOPED FOR"

@heeytwelve also leaves great comments, although i know it stresses her out because she wants to include EVERYTHING. she also asks questions about, like, what someone is thinking in a scene, or what the hell i meant - when i think a lot of people would shy away from digging in in a public setting. it's always super interesting to answer, and makes me think about what i've written.

one final example, which i think is the opposite of the above (which are both examples of writing something specifically for someone i know really well who knows i wrote it) - the comments during the period i was 'anon' after posting Classroom Politics by were really important to me.

i don't know how 'anon' i really was, hence the inverted commas – i know for a fact that some people, like Roo knew who i was as it was coming out because i told them 😂😂 and others probably could have figured it out, as i think it's quite a me fic, but anyway. oof - it was hard going for a while. it might not have been clear, but i hadn't finished 9 and 10 so i was trying to finish them. and being like: grumble grumble, no one is liking this fic, even though i knew that people often don't read WIPs (i do!) particularly when anon ... it was still a barrier to get over/ignore. just as people being enthused about writing gets you to want to write, people ignoring it makes it hard to finish to the deadline you knew you had to meet. so yeah - Roo, and (i dont think knew it was me) Chrissy's comments on almost every chapter as it came out - much needed, and appreciated. and people i dont even know - thank YOU! madafred and hlmedinfl and Quinzelle.

then - before the reveal, but after i'd finished posting - i had some PARTICULARLY amazing comments from @wetheformidables - including (this is not the nicest part, but it was memorable) one that tried to crack the code of my OCs 'wait, is this person THIS person??' and i was like - oh shit, no, i just got their surnames confused because i really wanted both of them to have surnames that started with W for NO REASON.

here's something else she said:

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT TO END ALL BUTTERFLY EFFECTS

Malcolm Grimm 😈 you need to have graduated Watford to become Mage 🦋🦋🦋 Simon 😇 his son in law

true!

aaaand.... one more, sorry this is a self-love-in, clearly, but whatever. this is my blog, i won't put it in the main tag, i got this comment ALSO on 'classroom politics' -

You know, usually people read fics after having consumed the media, but this is the fourth or fifth fic I've read of Snow and Baz after randomly reading one a few years ago and it's the one that (finally!) made me order the books. And it also managed to keep me up way past my bedtime last night, which hasn't happened in a while because of a fic. In other words: This was awesome!

I don't know the "original" characters apart from what I've gathered from fics, but I loved your aged-up version of them so much. Communication! (Sometimes at least.) Banter! Some antagonism that naturally turned into a truce and then to kinda-friends territory! Their internal monologues! The way they fancy each other so freaking much! Emotional maturity, sometimes! (Simon telling Baz that he was wrong about calling him a bad teacher, we love someone who can see a mistake and realise that it probably hurt the other person.) Also, that pub date? Was too much, and I adored it. (Some liquid courage to ask those questions that have nagged at you for years might just be needed.) Anyway, I'm excited for the epilogue! (And I hope I'll be able to read whatever you've written so far or will still write some time, too.)

to which i wrote back:

It's also really interesting to see what you like about them as this version of adults. You've read some other fic (and I can see from your bookmarks that you read 'Network Connectivity Problems' - which is one of the greats, with very good characterisation), so I'm guessing you have a pretty good idea of how much of this characterisation is intrinsic and how much is this fic. I'm worried that you like good communication though 😂 Oh dear.

i haven't caught up with them since AWTWB, so i dont know whether they did finally read (and like?) the books, but it was still a lovely moment, and also - as you can see - a moment of absolute fear as i thought 'i have mis-sold someone a book, there ain't no communication here' - but there is, of course, because now we have AWTWB.

ANYWAY. thank you for those asks \o/

and thank you to everyone who ever left me a comment. it means a lot to me, clearly.

==

from this list of asks

[fromtheplanethexagon]

the robot problem: a critical look at tobecky, 5 years late

hello wordgirl fandom i am back :) and i have a lot of thoughts that i never got around to expressing before i moved on from the show. so be aware that everything i'm saying is based on my experiences during the 2012-2016 era of the fandom & state of tumblr in general, and i am not familiar with more recent fan content.

it's been over five years since the show ended, and @ifbrd​ reminded me (along with some great analysis) that while tobecky was super popular since before the show technically started (thanks to the play date shorts), it's pretty unhealthy in a lot of ways that tend to be excused or flat out ignored in fanworks. i'd like to reflect on that a bit (a lot); specifically, how both the show and the fandom approached this enemies-to-lovers ship, and how easily this ship can slip into uncomfortable territory if we're careless about how we interpret the ship and create fan content of it.

i will admit, i'm mostly writing this as a response to past me and my old creations - though i moved on from the show as a whole years ago, i do like taking the time to reflect on old interests once in a while, and reevaluating my thoughts on them. and this ship is probably the biggest one that still lurks in the corners of my mind once in a while, so let's go.

cherish is the word: a short positive note before a much longer negative one

i wanted to start this essay off with some positivity, because i am going to be very negative after this. tobecky was, in some ways, cute. it's obvious from the very beginning that these two characters are on pretty equal ground, even if one of them isn't aware of it. and that's part of the fun - the irony of how unaware tobey is that his nemesis/crush/person that pretty much always wins against him is someone that he completely dismisses as incompetent. i want to point this out because honestly, in general i don't like enemies-to-lovers because a lot of them use a power imbalance within the dynamic, and i hate power imbalances, especially when it comes to actual life-or-death scenarios (at least, as much as cartoons can do that). in most episodes, becky is never actually forced to go along with his wishes. she's not held in a 'date' against her will, nor is she ever really outwitted by him. i bring this up because there is one huge, uncomfortable exception, which i will get to later.

another big plus to the ship is the fact that they just... get along? even when fighting? of course we get brief moments where they just hang out and talk about paintings or whatever, but i'm talking about how much they get each other, even if they don't realize it. like the word banter, for example. been there since day one. becky loves words, and while most other people in her life don't really care (ranging from 'eh, that's cool i guess' to her brother calling it annoying), tobey gives her a chance to show off and thus treats her as a worthy adversary as herself, not because of her more generic superpowers - something that we've seen in canon that she feels self-conscious about (see: her motivation in patch game). one of the less noticed examples, to me, is "it's your party and i'll cry if I want to", because it's just - okay. they both are excluded from a social event, and while it's obvious that tobey deals with it by destroying the city, it's also pretty obvious that becky also deals with her frustration by fighting in that battle. like, yes, realistically it's just objectively bad that he's destroying buildings. but they're also providing each other with a way to work through their frustrations, first by fighting and then by talking things out, and finally by hanging out together instead of dwelling on being excluded from the party.

so it makes a lot of sense to me that many tobecky fans gravitated towards writing far-in-the-future fic, usually by implying that some growth had taken place before starting to write the ship. (there are, as far as i'm aware, 2... maybe 3 exceptions, that take the time to attempt a real redemption for him, at least when i left the fandom.) because if you take away his worst moments, either by reasoning out that he was 10 years old and a mess, or that he was a cartoon character in a cartoon world where everyone's actions are over-the-top, or by just flat-out pretending that certain episodes never happened, there's some pretty solid ground to start a ship on.

go gadget go: we all do not see it, we simply close our eyes (review of canon)

when the show began, i was the same age as the characters. a lot of other people were, too - at least in my cohort of the fandom. i think it's pretty safe to say that many of us have fond memories of the show's earlier seasons, and held on to that interest as we got older, for whatever reasons. so like, not to be all 'as an OG fan...', but i remember seeing the shorts air for the first time in 2006. i have a diary entry in july of 2009 about how i, a 12yo with no concept of the idea of 'shipping', was disappointed in the new tobey episode because i wanted more tobecky interactions. (that was robo-camping, btw, lol.) and so i remember how exciting their rivalry felt, watching them as someone literally their exact same age, and then watching that again as a nostalgic 17yo, and then uh... growing up, to put it frankly, and realizing just how unhealthy most of their interactions were.

okay what i meant to say was, this section is an overview of the relationship's canon portrayal throughout the years.

first, we have early tobecky: this includes the shorts and the first few seasons. this is their classic relationship: he likes her and takes robots on rampages to get her attention, she majorly disapproves and has fun taking him down. we've all seen the show, you know what i'm talking about. his backhanded ways of trying to find out her identity often feature prominently in the episodes, which - sigh, i've mentioned this whole issue before, but it's kind of a grey area in the whole uncomfortable-factor thing, because while trying to find out her identity is VERY invasive, it's something that like... everyone in the show tries to do, even her canon crush (scoops). on the one hand, it's really not a great look, but on the other hand, this is a cartoon meant to parody a genre in which this trope is extremely common. so i just wanna say that i have Issues and Thoughts on this aspect of their relationship, but there are other things i find more important to discuss here.

second, we have late tobecky: this is seasons 7-8. this is... a very strange and huge shift from the previous dynamic, though it's not necessarily obvious. what i mean by that is that for some reason, the show writers made it so that half of tobey’s rampages have nothing to do with his crush on wordgirl, even though that used to be the sole reason for his villainy. seriously. we have the birthday episode, where he's upset because he feels left out; wg vs tobey vs the dentist, where he's mad that he has a cavity; and trustworthy tobey, where his robot goes on a rampage... after becky accidentally makes it malfunction. the two outliers are ‘guess who’s coming to thanksgiving dinner’ and ‘patch game’, but they still differ from previous seasons because 1) his destruction is isolated to a forest far away from the city, and 2) his motive is still to impress wordgirl, but his methods are relatively tame. also he completely gives up on the secret identity thing??? i may have missed some things but i think he straight up tells her 'yeah there's no way you're wordgirl, lol' and the subject is just dropped for the rest of the show.

i also want to include 'the robot problem' here, because it's one of two season 6 tobey episodes, and follows the 'doesn't destroy buildings to get her attention' pattern: in fact, he teams up with her to try and stop someone else from going on a rampage (even if his reasons are selfish, lol).

and finally. the other season 6 episode. we have go gadget go, the bane of my time spent in the fandom. because GGG is the single episode where tobey truly manages to take away her autonomy, and proceeds to abuse that power for an extended period of time, for his own amusement. it's bad. it's Very Bad. put in the context that it's a white boy doing this to an (ambiguously) brown girl, it's REALLY REALLY BAD. and the more i look back on it, tbh, the more weirded out i am that the show not only made it seem like she wasn't affected at all within the episode, it just... forgot about it (which is not unusual for shows and especially children’s shows, but WG does make some efforts to either retain continuity or create canon reasons for why things are forgotten about). it's the kind of thing that you can't excuse and honestly you can't redeem (like at this point, you gotta ask yourself why you're spending so much effort trying to redeem this guy when becky has several other possible ships that are nowhere near this unhealthy - violet, scoops, honestly even victoria if you want another hero/villain ship, my absolute fave rarepair rose, etc).

so if you want to still ship it you have to just pretend that it never happened. (i remember trying for weeks to write something exploring the aftermath of this episode, to try and make myself feel better about it, but the more i wrote the more i realized just how traumatic this event should've been, so i eventually just dropped it.) and i brought up my own timeline of experiences earlier to point out that this episode aired eight whole years after the show started. which means that when i saw it, even though i was a huge stickler for canon at the time, i'd built up my own idea of the show and characters strongly enough to go 'yeah, no, this episode sucks and i am going to pretend that it doesn't exist'. and i think a lot of other people did too, because i really saw like... no one mention it, ever, except for some rogue fanfics over on ff dot net that already liked dynamics like that.

because here's the thing, and i don't know if people nowadays are aware of it? but i'm 80% sure (cannot find a source, so the other 20% is that it was just a rumor) that the show was originally supposed to end after season 6. and even if it's a rumor, it makes a ton of sense, because we get 1) an 'ending' to tobecky, which is a bad one, 2) a permanent wordgirl identity reveal that significantly changes one of the major dynamics in the show, 3) an episode where TJ gets to work with wordgirl and get a nice potential ending for their sibling dynamic, 4) an episode where we see Two-Brains explore life without his henchmen... the list goes on, and idk how many of these are just major stretches. but the point is. if the show had ended there, that would've been a pretty solid ending for many things, including their relationship: aka, it would prove that it was only ever heading somewhere bad, and when tobey finally has his moment of triumph, he is truly evil about it. and this provides us fans who HATE go gadget go with an easy reason to dismiss it - we can say that it was an attempt to conclude things in a way that wouldn't have happened if the writers had known they'd get more time. but despite that... it is still a canon episode.

it is odd to me how dramatically the dynamic shifts after that, though, because we seriously go from 'worst case ever, tobecky is toxic, your ship is dead' to 'no actually they get along and hang out and get ice cream together and tobey isn't even pressuring her into it, she's happy to go along with it :)' like, immediately. i never knew much about the show writers, so i don't know if the writers changed in between these seasons, but i would absolutely not be surprised if they did.

the earlier episodes are definitely problematic as well (though they pale in comparison to GGG) but i think everyone who ships it is aware considering that tobey is, yknow, a villain. from memory, he destroys buildings to get her attention, lies to her about the level of danger that people are in to trick her into spending more time with him, blackmails her into reading his poetry, and he creates a robot based on her that’s supposed to be devoted to him (but of course, all of these things backfire). not great stuff of course, but like... he’s a villain, that’s the point of his character. and considering that he’s a child these are things that can be redeemed, if done thoughtfully.

anyway, to sum up this section, the show starts off with a pretty standard 'enemies with an unrequited crush' setup, takes a really dark turn for a single episode, and then for the rest of the show takes their dynamic in a direction that makes it much, much easier to ship. as long as you ignore a lot of previous content.

wordbot: where's becky's autonomy in all of this? (misogyny)

we've finally gotten to the fandom. i recognize that a lot of this is going to come across as hypocritical considering how active i used to be re: this ship, but like... i'm a very different person now. anyway. disclaimer i guess - i don't write this to accuse all tobecky shippers of being like this - i know a lot of us aren't/weren't! but boy do i have things to point out, so without further ado:

it is very hard to ship this without allowing some bit of misogyny to slip into it. very, very hard. the entire premise of the ship involves a girl falling in love with a boy that repeatedly pressures her to date him via threats to the safety of herself and people she cares about, which... it's 2020, i shouldn't have to explain why that's terrible & a terrible example to set for children (which is why i am glad they never made it canon, tbh). best-case fan content has tobey stop pressuring her and start working to redeem himself out of an actual change of heart, which leads to becky seeing him in a new light. worst-case fan content treats his incessant pressuring and sometimes outright threats as something romantic - and even worse, romantic to the point where he deserves her attention and love as a reward for not giving up or whatever. i did see this pretty frequently for a while, especially in the earlier 2010s (didn't read much, Not My Thing At All), but i don't feel like going into detail here because of how obviously problematic it is. one medium (but still bad) case is where the fan content makes him start his redemption, but treats her liking him back as a reward for not knocking buildings over anymore. another not great case is where she tries to fix him with her love, which is a very common and very dangerous romantic trope. both are just... so incredibly unfair to her.

in content where she tries to 'fix him'... yeah i feel like it's really obvious how misogynistic that is. girls and women should not feel responsible for the evil actions of men, plain and simple. idk what else to say here i just really hate that trope and hated it back then and it just sucks! so can we not do that anymore, thanks.

in content that treats her like a reward for good behavior, there really isn't much of an explanation for what she sees in him. if she just goes 'oh wow, you're good now, i am going to fall in love with you for it' the whole thing falls flat because it makes NO sense whatsoever. we get to hear so much about tobey and his feelings and why he likes her and how he feels about it, but where is that energy for becky? why does she choose to trust him, to spend time around him, what does she enjoy about his presence? where is her getting over scoops in the process of falling for tobey? where is her telling her friends about this, confiding in them, asking them for advice? where is her choice in the matter?

win a day with wordgirl: do you guys even like becky or do you just like the idea of her (misogyny... 2!)

it was pretty standard for all fandoms the early-mid 2010s, but that's still not a good excuse for why so many tobecky fanfictions centered specifically around tobey's feelings while refusing to give becky the same level of empathy and nuance. it is true that to ship them comfortably you have to redeem him to some degree, which means spending time figuring him out and trying to find ways to pull him to the light without feeling super OOC. but ships take two people??? and there was so much potential for fanfics to explore becky's complex feelings on the matter - because she is! complex! she's heroic and kind but she's petty and has a competitive streak, she easily befriends villains but also doesn't trust them and doesn't believe they can ever really change, she's the savior of an entire planet but has feelings of inadequacy as her civilian identity and struggles with feeling like she can be successful without superpowers, she's great at the straightforward meanings and uses of words and loves reading but struggles to write passages that aren't dry as hell, it can be easily headcannoned that she's neurodivergent (special interests, issues with fitting in with her peers, taking things very literally, etc)... seriously there is SO MUCH to explore about her character, and a lot of it comes into play when you add tobey into the mix (literally ALL of the things i mentioned are explored at some point using tobey as a parallel or foil), but i rarely saw fanfiction that explored her thoughts on things further than 'he's evil but... maybe good?' or 'he's evil but... i kind of like him anyway?'.

if you want her to fall for him while being a villain, explore it!! why does she go against her morals? does she lie to herself about it to feel better? does she feel like she has to 'fix him' as part of her superhero duties to the city, and if so, how does that affect her as she tries and fails to help him? does she fall for him when she believes that he's turning good, only to feel betrayed when he starts acting worse because he feels like he can get away with it? it's such a shame that fanworks spend so little time even considering these questions, and it is absolutely a product of how deeply misogyny is/was baked into how we approach media (especially back then).

tobey goes good: but wait, i thought this show was progressive (a conclusion, i guess)

ifbrd wrote a great meta recently about how the show is a bit misogynist, despite being progressive in several ways. honestly i don't have much to add, but i'd really recommend reading through this; it makes a lot of great observations about the ways that male and female characters are presented differently through the show

i have little to add, so i'd just like to conclude with a reflection on the ship from my current viewpoint. i do think part of the reason so many of us latched onto the ship, despite how obviously problematic it was, is that the show treats a lot of things that would be serious in real life as normal or even comedic - which is fine lol, i'm not going to pretend that it's not a show for little kids, so they have to keep the tone light.

but if we, as teens/adults, decide to engage with this content in a more realistic manner, we have to be prepared to confront how messed up so many of the things going on really are. and if you still want to ship it, there's nothing inherently wrong with that! there's a lot of interesting things to explore in this ship, no matter what stage of enemies-to-friends-to-lovers you write them at, and it can be really helpful to have a space where you can explore a dynamic such as this in fiction. (speaking from experience here tbh, writing some fic for them helped me deal with complicated feelings about some ex-longtime friends.)

so to write this ship at all means that there are canon issues that you need to deal with if you want to have them end up in a healthy relationship in any manner that makes sense (unless you create an AU where none of that is applicable, which, power to you then). and i’m not saying ‘write them with a healthy endgame or you’re Bad’, not at all lol. but at least please, please take a step back once in a while to examine the dynamic that you’re writing, and please be careful about whether you mean to be romanticizing whatever behaviors you end up portraying as good.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic  during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Dreamshaper

Dreamshaper has 54 stories at Gossamer. Her stories often feature Mulder and Scully exploring their feelings in ways you really, really wish you could’ve seen on the show. I’ve recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including Found in Memory, Just By Existing, Purpose, and Promise. Big thanks to Dreamshaper for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

I'm not at all surprised people are still reading X-Files fanfic! There's a deep catalogue of good and interesting fiction there, and the X-Files still has cultural significance. And of course there were the recent seasons to bring it back to mind. I think if you had asked me in 2000, I might not have supposed that it had this kind of staying power. So now I'm thinking of this interview as a time capsule--what will my answer be in 2040?

My own fic was not designed to have staying power. If anyone is reading it now, bless them, they are kind and patient. I would only recommend probably reading the first and last things I posted just to see what kind of growth is possible. The first time I ever posted fic, someone told me to never write again. I was a teenager. I was crushed but I went on writing anyway, and I worked hard to improve.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

I think of two things. As for the show itself, I still think of Mulder/Scully as the ultimate in romance. I can still picture certain moments from the episodes, from the movie. I look for pairings with tension that reminds me of theirs--an almost-regency level of UST, but with a modern element of danger.

As for the fandom itself, I grew up in it. My entire online life and the core of how I participate in fandom was formed here. I was 17 or so when I started writing and posting MSR. I was 18 or 19 when I started meeting fans in real life. I was fortunate enough to fall in with people who were equal parts gracious and nerdy, and while my own nerdiness is innate, I remember and emulate the kindness which was shown to me.

I have an entire side post to this question about how strongly I disagree with the current age stratification in fandom--this idea of not interacting across artificial age divides is tragic to me.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

ATXC, and mailing lists. I don't actually remember the names of all the mailing lists! I can picture myself sitting in my kitchen on my computer, and what the emails looked like--the font, the signature lines--but not the names. I can even remember specific conversations we had! One of them must have been Scullyfic, because I remember the first meetup being planned. Is that right? Was it the Scullyfic meetup? [Lilydale note: Probably was Scullyfic. There was a big email flurry when the first Scullyfic mailing list meetup was being planned.] My mind was absolutely blown by the idea of a fan con. Now I've led panels at a dozen of them.

I remember some of the arguments, too. It's funny that some of them are the same arguments I still see here and there, like whether or not criticism of a fanwork is valid. Real Person Fic being this unbelievably shameful thing you had to ask to be shown, and the doyennes of the fandom would have given you the cut direct at Almack's if they'd found out, you know?

This was also the era of AIM and ICQ. mIRC too, right? I spent a lot of time in channels. I absolutely loved when people started to be more open about themselves in chats. I was always so interested in how fandom fit into people's lives. Some people I talked to were moms, college students, people who had interesting careers, and they all just found ways to make fandom work for them. They had a need and were meeting it, despite the pressures of their offline life.

I don't know how to explain the impression that made on me, but--it normalized fandom. That seems obvious, maybe, but I hadn't known this was something you could integrate into your everyday life.

It also normalized the idea of women taking their own needs as primary, in a way that went beyond what I was exposed to in my home life, or through the feminism of the 1990s. There was this wild intersection of the--the domestic and intellectual life of women, and the playful life of women, just making itself known to me in a way I'd never seen before. That was enormous. Absolutely a foundational experience for me.

My experience was that ATXC and email lists were like, these surface-level interactions where people figured out, roughly, if your mind ran on a similar track to theirs, and then you were invited to make deeper relationships in more private corners of the internet. Social media filled both functions at once, I think, for a while. But the privacy was missing. I'm not surprised that Slack and Discord are starting to fill that private corner gap--everything old becomes new, etc.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

UST and monsters. This is still an unbeatable combination for me!

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I loved romance novels--I read so many of them. Somehow, before we even had a computer at home, I started to tell myself romance novel stories with Mulder and Scully as the lead characters. This was how I talked myself to sleep--I wasn't a good sleeper. Then when I got online and did whatever search led me to ATXC, I was just shocked. Shocked! Can't do the surprise justice, in this era where fanfic is relatively mainstream. Other people had also independently invented this thing I loved! But they wrote their ideas down! I jumped on the bandwagon immediately.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

It's like my relationship to my childhood, frankly. Foundational, but I don't think about it all that much on a daily basis, right? I smile and reblog gif sets. I get nostalgic. I get embarrassed by social mistakes I made. I feel the way many of us do about memories from our teenage years. I wouldn't be who I was without it, but I'm not still in it.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I was. I've spent 20 years in fandom! I did some beta work for someone who'd started writing slash--The Sentinel. The actual Sentinel, not just an endless loop of Sentinel AUs based on Sentinel AUs based on etc. I had some idea at the time that I was queer, but this was my first real exposure to romances that weren't straight. So I tore my way through the early 2000s slash fandoms as they developed: The Sentinel, Due South, Stargate Atlantis. Popslash, where a mix of good writing and absurdity ruled. Bandom, where I met my wife. Since then, many smaller fandoms.

It's hard to compare any of these things to each other, let alone to the X-Files. In each one, I was lucky enough to find a circle of women who were strong beta readers and good friends. I never wrote as much or for as long as I did in the X-Files.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I watched the new episodes. I've shown friends important episodes--I remember that a few years ago, another friend and I tried to hook a third friend on the show by binging some favorites--mostly shippy MOTW, so it was like, Arcadia, Triangle, Bad Blood. Fun stuff!

We finish watching and I'm like, well? And? And she says, that was fine, but I'm more of a man-pain, secret babies kind of person? I'll never forget it. She had no idea but she'd hit the nail on the head! We were wheezing with laughter. We went back and watched mytharc episodes, which was much less fun for me, but much more interesting to her.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I don't read X-Files fic often. I look at new things sometimes, and I've reread a few old classics, but my reading taste has changed so much. I still love straight romance, but it needs to be fast and sharp in a way that is hard to find.

I read fic in other fandoms when I have time. In the past few years, I've finished a degree, had a daughter, renovated a small Victorian and then sold it and bought another one during this pandemic--so time has been short. Currently I read some Untamed fic, some Good Omens fic, Magicians, Schitt's Creek...a sampler. Whatever friends are writing, whatever they recommend.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I never have a favorite of my own fics. I'm never satisfied. The second I post something, I'm always full of regrets. I've written fics that did very well and still hated them a month later. People have asked me over the years to move more of my stuff off Livejournal and onto ao3, but I do it really reluctantly and only by specific request. Everything's ephemeral! Let the old works diminish, and go into the West!

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I have no oldies to dust off. I do periodically think of X-Files stories I would tell, but I don't have enough time for current interests--and so it goes.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I do. I was most recently writing in The Magicians fandom. I posted a couple new stories in an old fandom last year--I'd written Good Omens fic fifteen years ago, and then again for the Amazon adaptation. I have a pile of original novels in various stages of completion, but I'm never happy with them. One day I'll figure myself out, perhaps, or I'll just keep writing myself this and that and leaving it all in a drawer.

What's the story behind your pen name?

So AOL had a character limit for user names--I think it was 10. I was a teenager at the time I was coming up with the one I'd use for fandom, so I went with Dreamshaper. It was kind of literal, in the sense that I was going to share the stories I'd been telling myself to help me sleep. But the character limit meant I went with Dreamshpr, which I later liked because of the alternate reading of Dream*shipper*. A reminder to the younger fans that we were the original shippers!

I would also come up with new pen names when I wanted to experiment with a fic that didn't fit my usual style. I don't remember any of them. I probably did that a dozen times, so, sorry to those poor completely abandoned stories.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Giddygeek on tumblr and ao3. I'm most active on twitter, but largely about my domestic life with dips into fandoms or original writing; message me on tumblr if you're an old friend who'd like to reconnect elsewhere.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Just gratitude--I'm so glad that I found people to share an obsession with, and that they were good people, at a time in my life where that made a significant difference to me. I don't know where I'd be now without my time and my growth in this fandom!

(Posted by Lilydale on December 22, 2020)

[not-your-damsel]

I Gotta Let it Out, Please Forgive Me Guys

I got a random message on Facebook messenger from my bestest friend from the tail end of middle school until onwards… or so I thought.

*Names have been changed for this… mess? I’m so sorry guys, I’m all over the place 😑 and this is kinda long so, head’s up

She was like a sister to me, we told each other any and everything. We wrote fan fics for *N’Sync before fan fics were even a goddamn thing, before there was a place to even post them! She made the life move from New Jersey to Pennsylvania bearable and then livable after having my whole life uprooted once again. My Mom and I always moved a lot when I was a child so I was always bouncing from school to school once I thought I was finally settled and was steadily making friends only to up and move again. That coupled with constantly having to go to the hospital because of my illness didn’t bode well for my learning abilities. I’m great at everything else now as an adult but don’t even come to me about math or I’ll spit on you, I don’t make the rules 🤷🏽‍♀️

However, once my Mom met my Sister’s father, our living situation somehow downgraded from living in a beautiful brownstone house to then living in a trailer in a trailer park. Please don’t take that as me shitting on trailer parks or folks who live in them. I just despise them because they immediately remind me of the verbal, mental abuse/gaslighting I endured when we lived there which continued into PA and the house we moved to there is all. My stomach churns when I pass by one as I immediately feel like I’m 10 again and about to be in trouble and grounded for the next tiniest thing he deemed wrong of me.

Anywho, we moved to PA when I was 12, my little sister having been born in NJ just before we left it to come here and I was livid. Leaving all my friends behind after finally having a taste of actually settling in and making friends and not moving away right after the fact only to pull the rug from under me and do it again. As an adult now, I get it. It’s safer here than where we’d been and the taxes rock, no tax on food or clothing or pharmaceuticals and also utilities for heat and shit and not to mention, a better school system.

And school is where I met my immediate bestie, around the second or third day being there, we had to swim for gym and since I didn’t know I had to sit out for the period where the other girls and I started talking about *N’Sync and she asked me who my face was, which was Lance and then she said hers was Justin Timberlake and that she fantasizes about him. Anyone who can tell me that right off the bat with the same energy as telling me what their favorite color or animal is has immediately won my friendship. Immediately.

That’s how we met, that’s how we rolled and we stayed joined at the hip throughout the rest of our school years together. We’d been through it all, crushes, familial loss, pet loss, watching mutual friends come and go or fuck each other over, and yet her and I remained as though we were born sisters. I never needed a whole entourage of people to call my friends. Whoever’s gonna hang with me, I love and appreciate and protect dearly and those who won’t that’s fine as well. But she was a constant in my life, we both were constantly in each other’s lives.

She provided an escape and safe haven away from my home when it got to be too suffocating to be within my own home because of my overbearing stepfather and I taught her how to appreciate and accept and play video games, specifically of the survival horror genre and we’d get together for a sleepover when a new release would come out and we wanted to get lost in stories and scream for dear life at perfectly crafted jump scares. She turned me on to being a drama kid since her and I were in chorus together being Soprano 1’s, and it turned out to be one of the most fun things I did in high school.

But time passes and we graduated. Sad as I was to be parting from everyone, we all began to scatter, coming together during breaks to party and catch up. After moved to Queens NY to be with my fiancé at the time and she was doing her own thing. Over time, life got in the way. There was no grand fight to speak of, no secretly harbored feelings of ill will or hatred, nothing of the sort. Which is why I’m left feeling so baffled over how what was meant to be a great reaching out and reconnecting moment ended up turning into me feeling angry, dejected and feeling as though maybe there were some things she never spoke to me about when she should’ve.

It started out great, happy to hear from her especially out of the blue since the times I tried to reach her would always fall through. We caught up with one another, as you do, and then the conversation turned from catching up to suddenly me being questioned about why I never contacted her. I explained everything that happened, how I tried several times apart from the yearly birthday wishes and such, and how I never got a reply back, that I assumed it meant she had a different phone number. How as the years passed more and more, my insecurities of no longer being wanted by her ran rampant and that maybe she had better people in her life. I apologized for that, seeing now that I was blinded by that insecurity and that was something for me to sort out. That and that life literally got in the way.

I told her everything as honest and truthful to the best of my ability because I’d never lie to her, never had and never would/will want to. I admitted to her that I’m definitely different from the last time she’s seen me and that I’m now utter shit with the phone. I personally think it’s a mix of my Major Depressive Disorder mixed with my anxiety that I prefer messaging over actually talking on the phone. But that’s not for my lack of trying to reach her over the years.

However, that wasn’t good enough for her though apparently. She kept pressing me and questioning if “I ignored her” because of scenario A, B or C. She said that. She literally said, “Did you ignore me because of…”. She started labeling despite me telling her what happened, putting words in my mouth. It got to the point that I was just repeating myself over and over because she kept interrogating me on the issue, bringing up weak reasons as though she just knew that was the “reason I dipped and left her in the wind” when meanwhile, when you look at which of us two was the last to try to contact the other through Facebook messenger, it shows it as me and before that all my attempts to reach her through something I knew she’d see my shit to her through and yet I was never answered.

I ended up saying to her, “Look, I don’t know what it is you’re wanting me to say here. I feel like you’re trying to get me to admit to something to please you but I’m not gonna do that because if I did, then I’d be lying to you and I’m not here for that. I told you everything on my end here, what has happened and that’s exactly what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t secretly hate you, I could never hate you. It wasn’t your fault about what happened with my ex and I at your party, I’ve never held you responsible for his cheating actions. He cheated on me with Stan, not you, so don’t think that has anything to do with you when you stuck up for me when we all found out the next morning. Please stop fishing for a conflict that’s not there.”

I don’t hear from her after a long while and I explicitly tell her that I want to talk about this more the next day because this isn’t right and I want to clear up whatever it is that she thinks is wrong, that I love her and to have a good night as it’s past 2am at that point. She proceeds to bring up past scenarios hours later while I’m well asleep and she knows this, guilt tripping me about how she was there for me whenever I needed to be in the hospital but that maybe I had forgotten what it meant to be best friends with her and she then blocks me on all socials knowing I can’t even fight for myself because I’m asleep. All socials save for one and that’s Insta.

I call her out on that shady bullshit and tell her that it’s absolutely unfair that I sat there and I was being an adult and admitting to my mistakes and apologizing for them only for her to push all the blame on me for not contacting her which we established that I had many times and not been acknowledged. I said, “The phone works 2 ways, Sadie, 2 ways. Do not sit there and act like you’re not to blame as well, especially when I’m here admitting fault and apologizing for it and you haven’t even bothered to claim some of that faulted responsibility. That’s fucked because if it were me having come to you, yet again, and this time you answered, I would’ve taken my part of the blame and admitted to my faults here as well, I wouldn’t’ve piled it all on you the way you did to me. I was honest with you and it seems that’s not what mattered to you, what mattered to you was putting untruths into my mouth to fit your narrative that “I hate you”, “that you never mattered to me” and so on. Again, not cool. Will it hurt to lose you? Absolutely, it’ll kill me to lose you permanently, but not at the expense of a lie you want so badly to be true.”

Not only that, but several times throughout this conversation, she would bring up something factual that happened, that she knew happened, only to turn around and say something snarky like, “I wouldn’t know what happened or I wouldn’t know about that because you never told me about it.” I sat there for a good moment afterwards, seriously questioning if she was drunk or high or a combo of the two and just crossfaded because it made no damned sense!!!

I’m not gonna lie, I’m truly hurt by all this. I cried happy tears when we first started talking because it had been so long, and then by the end of it, I was left baffled, hurt, confused, and feeling like I didn’t even know this person anymore and crying in a panic that this was all actually happening. That I somehow unknowingly became a villain to my own best friend, my sister. It still feels unreal, the whole thing was so all over the place, it gave me whiplash. I don’t know what to do and I apologize for putting a portion of me and my troubles on here, I just needed a safe space to vent and let loose because I’m warring with myself of if this is even still worth it with her because this feels so… icky. Like in my gut I can feel that this isn’t the same person I once knew and I’m only gonna find more upset, hurts and disappointment and that feeling causes even more hurt.

Idk guys, I’m tired and worn out. I cried a lot so that’s gonna and made me even more tired only with puffy, splotchy pinky/red rings around my eyes that now are sensitive to the touch from wiping them so much. But thank you for letting me do what I felt I needed to do and just let this mess out. I know it’s all over the place but I can’t even bring myself to fix anything if there’s errors and shit. Love y’all.

[littlemessyjessi]

Regarding Harry Potter Content

So I’ve made this announcement before but I will address it again. 

I am currently taking a break from writing for Harry Potter content.

I’ve written for it for so long and I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about it to be honest. 

I’m not gone from it for good in no way. 

But I am taking a break for a while. 

I know a lot of people are asking about A Deal With Cupid specifically. 

I would just like to say thank you so much for supporting my work first of all.  That means the world to me and I am so happy that you enjoy my writing. I’ll never be able to express my feelings regarding that. 

However, if I’m being honest, I have been feeling burn out creeping in from the edges for quite some time now.  I ignored it and in doing so, I could feel myself beginning to hate HP content.  And I don’t ever want to feel that way.  It was such a large part of my childhood and I don’t want to taint that. 

So after talking with Valentina, my fiance,  I decided to take a break from it for a while. 

I love to write.  Obviously.  I wouldn’t do it so much if I didn’t.  I don’t get paid for writing fanfics on Tumblr so this is something that brings me joy.  And I kept pushing myself to give content because so many of you love the stories.  

Don’t get me wrong.  I love them too but I have this habit of ignoring my mental health for the sake of the sparks of joy it can provide others.   So rather than actually listen to my body and my mind, I just kept pushing myself and cranking them out.  But there was no joy for me. 

The latest chapter of ADWC even feels that way to me.   Yes, Y/N was on her period and dealing with shit but I feel like my mind was like, Listen ho, you need to chill sometimes and do what is right for you. 

Val even told me that because I was sitting on the counter trying to map out all these different updates and she was like, “Babe, it’s just fanfic.”  Which of course caused me to lose my temper and I was like, but it’s not.  But Val, being the angel that she is, has this unrivaled ability to calm me down within minutes.  And we had a discussion and I realized that yes I very much do need to step away from it for a while. 

So that’s what I did.

I started writing for things that are actually in my field of interest at the moment. 

Alot of that includes: Historical based movies and series that sometimes feature mythology and magic. 

I’m currently really enjoying my Achilles story with Brad Pitt’s portrayal of him. 

So at the moment that is the 2004 movie Troy, 300 is also on that list.  The Mummy is there as well. Pirates of the Caribbean will make an appearance. The Hatfields and the McCoys mini series is on there as well.  Immortals, Hercules, Clash of the Titans.  The Percy Jackson situation is also going to be playing a part.   Things like Gods of Egypt, Indiana Jones. 

I love period pieces, guys.  I love history and mythology and adventure! 

I love excitement and treasure hunting, lol.  These things bring me joy! 

I also love dramas and crimes and horror! 

So for example, I’ve got about three fics from the 2004 movie Four Brothers that are in the works! I love the family bonding, the action and the grit of that movie! 

I also love sports movies! I even have one going at the moment featuring Garrett Hedlund’s character in the 2004 movie Friday Night Lights where he plays Don Billingsley. 

I also love horror so I want to explore the BBC Dracula some more as well as Dracula Untold.  I want to get back into writing for Penny Dreadful and Hemlocke Grove and so many others! 

I like interesting characters. 

And I know a lot have asked me about Harry Potter and Marvel. I know some of you miss it and I understand.   But I don’t even write for Marvel anymore.  I forced myself to keep writing for it for so long that I just began to hate it.  I don’t even watch superhero movies anymore to be honest.  And that’s sad because I know a lot of people are talking about the Loki show coming or the Falcon and Winter Soldier.   And I just can’t do that right now.   I don’t want that to happen with HP so I stepped away. 

If you are looking for magic and myth, I will be revisiting my stories that live in the Tolkien world and bringing some new characters to life as well. 

I have thrived lately on creating characters and it reminded me just how much I miss it.   I started writing reader insert as a way to include so many people but along the way I lost part of what made me love writing.  And that as creating characters with imperfections and backstories.   I’ve found that love again and I truly love writing. 

I know that alot of you follow me for HP and if you’d like to leave, I understand completely.   I have no hard feelings and I love you all the same. 

But if you’d like to stay for the new adventures, you are more than welcome my darlings! 

I love you with all my heart. 

With hugs and love,  Mama Kennysaurus 

[itsclydebitches]

How do you manage to write so much? I have this fic I'm working on and I know exactly what I want to happen in the scenes, but I struggle with actually writing the prose for it and describing the events. Even getting 500 words out is hard, so seeing you churning out content is pretty amazing to me (especially because it's all so good). If you have any tips to share it would be really appriciated!

First - thank you so much, anon! I was literally just thinking tonight about how I haven’t written enough lately and then you come in with “How do you manage to write so much?” So I think that’s a good thing for every writer to keep in mind: how we might perceive our accomplishments doesn’t necessarily reflect what we’ve actually accomplished. Those feelings are something I’d like to address here. As is abundantly obvious, the advice I’m about to offer is stuff I often struggle to follow too ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But let’s see... yes, I’ve got 10 tips (nice round number) for producing writing, approaching your writing, and dealing with that pesky “How do I describe events?” issue. These are in no good order:  

1. Reject the “Write ___ amount of words every day” advice. It doesn’t work. Or if it does work it’s because we’re prioritizing writing over literally everything else, which I personally don’t think is healthy. The days I haven’t written recently include things like “Battling a bad cold” and “Spent the day with Dad in the ER” (he’s fine!). If I had forced myself to write on those days it would have been in lieu of taking time to rest/recuperate, so I didn’t. If I were still demanding of myself, “You can’t lose your writing streak 😡” then I would have felt intensely guilty about taking that time to rest. That’s just training yourself to associate writing with negative emotions. Instead, I’ve started tracking my progress with Word Keeper.

As you can see, it’s all over the place, but over the last month I’ve found that it has given me a much better sense of what I’m accomplishing overall. Rather than getting upset about days where I only wrote a tiny amount, or didn’t write at all, I can now also easily remind myself of the days when I wrote a whole lot, or the days where I managed to be fairly consistent. Let your writing fluctuate. There’s something to be said for not being dependent on motivation (there are plenty of times where I encourage myself to write even if I don’t want to), but don’t hold yourself to overly rigid standards either. 

2. Consider rejecting the “Write for an hour every morning/carve out a specific time to do nothing but writing” advice. If that works for you, great. Me? I’ll never manage it. Beyond the fact that I would murder mornings if I could and, as established, don’t do well with a rigid schedule, my brain is way too hyperactive to focus on one task for long. And by “long” I mean... more than 10-15 minutes. So what I personally do is alternate tiny bits of writing with something else I want to accomplish, usually another task I’m having trouble focusing on. Let’s say I need to read an article and I want to write those 500 words. Both tasks are rather daunting. 500 words? 35 pages?? No thank you. I can, however, manage 100 words and 5 pages... so I just alternate. Read 5 pages. Write 100 words. Read 5 more pages. Another 100 words. Back and forth, with amounts that work for you. Whatever is doable, even if that means something like 10 words and half a page. And if you find yourself going, “Wait, wait just 100 more words so I can finish this scene,” all the better. Do that for an afternoon and you’ve made significant headway on both projects. You can also alternate with something you want to do. I finished the latest Before the Dawn recap by doing that with The Clone Wars. One 20 minute episode, then 250 words, essentially using my show as a reward system: write that little bit so you can find out what stupidity Anakin does next. 

Speaking of rewards...

3. Try using 4 The Words. I absolutely love this website because it turns writing into a game and I am an absolute sucker for validation of any sort. Essentially, you get to choose how much writing you want to get done in a single sitting - either timed or by word count - and that goal corresponds with a monster to defeat. Write the required amount in the allotted time period and you receive rewards for your avatar, experience, etc. If you’re like me and enjoy games at all, that’s a huge motivator. Maybe you’d never consider trying to write 750 words in a single sitting, but the 750 words monster drops the specific loot you need to finish a quest... so why not give it a try? I find that the time limits are quite generous and the system counts any words you’ve written, not what you decide to keep. Remember that writing is writing, so even if you churn out those 750 words and then decide you hate the whole scene, that time wasn’t wasted. It’s helping you figure out what you do want instead. 

4. Don’t set those rigid standards, but try to hold yourself accountable in some manner too. That’s why when I changed my blog theme I decided to put what project I was working on in the bio and what I planned to work on next. Whether anyone actually cares about that doesn’t matter, I perceive that as, “Damn I told everyone I’d have a Witcher drabble done next. Better work on that!” That veneer of accountability helps keep me on track. 

5. It sounds like you’ve already got an outline - which is great! Once you know what you want to happen, keep in mind that you don’t have to write it in that order. This is something I still really struggle with because I often post chaptered fics as I go. I can’t be writing Chapter 20 when Chapter 15 isn’t even out yet! But sometimes that’s the best way to get past your road block. If you’ve got a scene in your head that’s a little more clear, even if it’s just a tiny description or dialogue exchange, go write that instead of beating your head against the part where you’re stuck. 

6. Regarding the specific issue of prose and describing events: daydream about it. Be the most cliche, cringy author who falls headfirst into their own worlds. A lot of times when I’m stuck I try to stop thinking about this as me writing a scene. Rather, it’s a scene for me to escape into when I’m bored in the car, or falling asleep, or tuning out an awkward conversation. Presumably you want to spend time in the world you’ve created, so let yourself do that, either as an outside observer or taking the place of one of the characters. Fantasize about this moment and then afterwards think back to what your brain conjured up. Going, “I need to write this fight scene now” is kind of daunting and maybe you just sit there, having no idea how “fight scene” translates into actual pages of action. If, however, you daydream about an epic battle you might later go, “Oh yeah! I/they did that cool flip move to disarm the opponent. Let’s see if I can describe that...” 

7. If the problem is more “I know there’s going to be a cool flip move but how do I describe that without just saying ‘The hero did a cool flip move’???” Let yourself just write “The hero flipped the sword out of his enemy’s hands.” Probably the most annoying part about writing (besides, you know, all of it) is remembering that you can, should, and must revise. Write a shitty description and move on. Come back to it later. Composing the rest of the scene will help you make the description less shitty the second time around. And want to know a secret? It’s probably not nearly as shitty as you first thought it was. A lot of times I churn out what feels like truly horrific descriptions, let it sit for a while, and when I come back to the work as a “new” reader I think, “You know what? There are definitely things I want to change, but this isn’t nearly as bad as I remember it being...” Again, writers often can’t be trusted to judge their own accomplishments. 

8. Research things. Watch stuff. Read stuff - and pay attention to the fact that you’re currently reading to learn. No one is born knowing how to write compelling scenes. That comes of not just practice, but engaging with a ton of other stories and consciously/unconsciously pulling from them. Not sure how to write a cool fight scene? Go read some cool fight scenes. Watch your favorites on Youtube. Pull a detail from here, there, then weave them into something new. Some authors claim they won’t engage with any stories similar to their own because they don’t want to taint their own ideas, but that’s just trying to write without providing yourself with any fuel. If you want to know how to describe a farm, go read others’ descriptions of farms, look at pictures of farms, watch TV shows with farms in them, etc. Same with anything else you might be stuck on. 

9. Remind yourself that some kinds of writing are going to come more easily to you than others. That’s not just in regards to things like dialogue vs. prose, but also big categories like fiction vs. nonfiction. Me? I can (quite obviously...) write a ton when it comes to asks and recaps. Explaining my own thought process comes very easily to me, and I’m long-winded, which means that when the project is something like, “Tell readers what you thought about this book” I can churn out 4,000 words easy peasy. Fiction though? That’s a slog. That’s where I’m writing in 100 words chunks, sometimes pulling each word out with all the joy of enduring a root canal. I will never - EVER - be a Stephen King writing 2,000 words of fiction a day. And that’s okay! Every writer is different and it does no good to compare ourselves to others who are writing more (hard as that is) because there will always be someone doing it “better.” That’s a competition we can’t win. Getting writing done is as much a mindset as it is a skill. Teaching yourself to go, “Yeah! 50 words today!! :D” is going to help more than berating yourself with, “Oh. Only 50 words today :(” But a part of that is also recognizing that you probably wrote a whole lot more than just 50 words. Do you write for your job? Answer emails? Keep a journal? Answer asks? Text whole conversations with your friends? Writing of all sorts takes energy and it all “counts.” If you spent the day catching up on your messages, it’s no wonder you might struggle to write more during your free time. Saying you “haven’t written” today because you didn’t write fiction as well as all the writing we naturally do on a daily basis is absurd. Sometimes you’ve just got to recognize that and let yourself watch some TV instead. 

10. Finally, WRITE “BAD” THINGS. This is something I’m still really, really struggling with. It’s very much connected to #7, but try to let yourself accept what you’ve produced at a certain point. Doing that will, in time, help you produce more things in the first place. The author who obsesses over writing the perfect paragraph is unlikely to get to the second... and writing the second paragraph is what’s going to help them develop the skills to make the first paragraph better. Put aside the perfectionism. I’m currently trying to do that with my original work. I have lots of ideas for flash fiction and, like you, I know precisely what will happen in them... but I struggle to actually write the stupid things. I’ve recognized that a lot of that difficulty stems from how bad I perceive them to be. When a story doesn’t sound like that flash fiction with the national award attached to it my brain goes, “Well, looks like we’re trash! Time to stop writing forever and ever 🙃” At some point you’ve just got to take a mental broom and beat that bastard voice into the back of your mind, far enough to start writing again. Try to accept that no, our prose probably won’t win any awards. Also try to accept that hey, someday maybe it will. But neither can be reality until we actually write the story. So one of these days I’ll set a goal for a flash fiction, finish it, post it here for you masses to judge, and try to shrug off all the scary feelings that come with that. Every good writer has to write a LOT of bad stuff in order to start producing something decent, let alone good... so let yourself do that. The more we can concentrate on why we want to write, rather than those “Ugh this description isn’t good enough” or “I can’t even get 500 words done” feelings, the more we create a situation where, in time, we will write astounding descriptions and far more than 500 words. 

All of which is much MUCH easier said than done. But I hope this helps at least a little, anon! 💜

[beastlywritings]

Beginnings

Pairing: Eskel/OC (Lae’elan) AFAB NB (but gender doesn’t come into it until later)

Summary: Eskel comes across a shapeshifter (Or she comes across him) and they make nice. 

Rating for this chapter: PG-13 for sexual innuendo and suggested sexual acts, as well as talk of masturbation

TW (this chapter): stalking (kind of), manipulation, injuring another on purpose, mention of dissociation and the feeling of it, mentions of orphanage, mention of lost love, selfconsciousness about scars and appearance, gratuitous use of italics for thoughts

AN: Unbeta-ed. If you wanna beta just ask lol (help me). If you wanna gimme some concrit, I’d be grateful; this is my first time posting fic in years and I’m rusty as hell. Gonna be a long fic.

This chapter is mostly just intro to Lan, who is quite literally me if my kintype was a reality. She comes with much of my baggage and personality.

From her perch in the tree opposite the witcher, the apparent chickadee watched the man as he went about building his fire, placing each branch and split wood neatly and setting it ablaze with a quick hand motion. She’d followed him all day, in various forms, from the moment she’d spotted his cat-like amber eyes across the market. A witcher could have access to information she didn’t. A chance to finally find out what she was. Following him had been easy for her. No one expects a quiet but friendly dog, a flighty squirrel, or a singing songbird of malice, not even a witcher; and no one expects all those creatures to be one and the same. And, she knew from past experience, her powers only set off their medallions if she touched them while shifting. So reconnaissance? Recon was child’s play. 

She worked through the questions that mattered. 

What school is he from? Cats and vipers were dangerous, both schools cut-throat havens, less likely to help a sentient magical creature and more likely to kill first and ask questions later at the first signs of non-human traits. Wolves and griffins tended to be more code-bound and willing to listen. Her eyes narrowed in on his chest. She was in luck-- a wolf medallion peeked out of the collar of his open gambeson, laying on the cream of his shirt. I won’t even have to bother with proper manners, she thought to herself, remembering the last time she’d dealt with a witcher from the school of the griffin. 

What’s his personality; which method would work best to get what she wanted? She knew that Kaer Morhen had been sacked, had heard rumors of who and when, even out in the wilderness. But surely some books had survived. She hadn’t been successful in gaining entry to the keep proper in her youth, but this could be her second chance. What sequence of events would more likely get her invited to Kaer Morhen and access to the library there? 

The man seemed soft spoken; his voice could easily be a booming baritone, but he kept his voice quiet and calm to not spook the women in the town square. He was kind and friendly and polite, even smiling and saying ‘thank you,’ when he bought supplies in the open market. He tried to be as non-threatening as possible, as well, trying to make himself less of an obstruction in the throngs of people in town and pulling his large arms to himself instead of letting them hang loosely by his sides. He’d even stooped to help a woman pick up her fallen goods, though it had gotten him a scowl and a barked ‘hands off!’ Perhaps a spot of friendliness to warm him up to her, break down the walls that no doubt he had constructed over the years, then switch to some seduction. 

Her eyes roamed over him, eyeing up the deep facial scars, the bit of white tooth visible where the scar tissue pulled (adorable); to his strong forearms of corded muscle, bare to the elbow with veins snaking along his golden skin; up to his silky, dark hair that ruffled in the breeze; and finally to the crotch of his pants, where there were little red bows keeping a codpiece in place. Seducing him,  she thought to herself with a purr, poofing up her feathers and preening them some, would be no hardship. A handsome lay and the knowledge she’d been seeking since she was young? No better deal would ever come her way. Just keep the long game in mind, Lae’elan, and this could be it. Finally feeling she had enough information and having made up her mind, Lae’elan fluttered down to land quietly among the leaf litter behind the tree the witcher sat propped up against, her tiny feet making a bit of a ruckus. Muscles popping and bones creaking, she shifted into her true form. Or, well, most of it. She’d need to know him a bit better before she deigned to show him her wings. She pulled clothes out of the ether of her pocket dimension and over her head with less than half a thought. Vulpine legs peeked out beneath a woad-blue dress, as did her long succubus-like tail. Before she’d even taken a full step to the side, she heard the witcher reaching for his swords and decided she’d best show herself before he put one of them through her. Just because it wouldn’t kill her didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt.

“That spot taken?” Lae’elan asked as she rounded the tree, her hands visible in the air beside her head, one clawed finger pointing to the space on the other side of the fire. There was indeed a sword leveled at her, a cross witcher standing at the other end. She hadn’t even registered the sounds of him getting up. Looking down at the sword, she found he got more interesting. Steel. He assumed human or common beast. Huh.

“How did you-!” His eyes darted around behind her for a flash second. 

“Sneak up? Shapeshifter. I was a bird a few minutes ago,” she said breezily, even pointing to the branch she’d been perched upon. Smartly, he did not look. Well trained. Eyeing the blade poised at her neck, she continued, “Could you put the blade away from my neck? Don’t need you to put it away, just… preferably not immediately pointed at my jugular would be lovely,” She smiled kindly. 

He eyed her warily, but lowered the blade a fraction. This close she realized his eyes were actually just a shade or two deeper than her own. They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment. He seemed to not hate what he saw because the sword lowered another few inches. 

“Just want to sit, maybe chat.”

His eyes narrowed warily and his gaze wandered over her. The horns atop her head, the long ears, her golden eyes, sharp canid-like teeth, fingers ending in curved claws instead of human fingernails. The gears working in his head, trying to make sense of what she was, were visible in his expression. Wouldn’t we all like to know, she thought. 

“Why?” he asked, finally.

“Why wha-at?” 

“Why chat,” he buried the tip of his sword in the dirt, acquiescing, and sat. She stepped around the fire and settled herself on the other side.

“Why does anyone chat?” She asked, but quickly followed, “Because it’s exceedingly rare to find someone I can be myself around in these times. Humans can be decent conversation, but they tend to be sticklers for shoes,” she looked to her feet-- her paws-- and wiggled her toes, “and too often make remarks I’m not fond of. Same ones you no doubt prefer not to hear as well.” He just looked at her over the fire. 

“I’ll be honest, I’ve spent half my day following you today, trying to figure out if you were safe or not,”

“And you’ve decided…?”

“That you’re safe enough,” she chuckled. She’d get a proper conversation out of him yet. 

“Oh?”

“Never known a wolf to attack on sight,” she nodded to his medallion, “and you were kind and gracious to each person I saw you interact with,” she continued. Waiting for a response, but not wanting to push, she looked into the fire and drew her legs to the side, leaning her weight on one hip.

“I would have noticed if a single bird had followed me all day,” he grunted. That wasn’t quite what she expected as a reply, but it showed intelligence and caution. 

“A dog, two birds, and a squirrel” she replied.

“What?”

“I was a dog in the market, a sparrow in the town square, a squirrel on your way out of town and into the forest, and a chickadee for the past hour,” she looked to his eyes to gauge his reaction, “I’m no spring chicken. Reconnaissance is important to my staying alive, let alone having fulfilling conversations.” He paused after that, seemingly looking at the fire, but she knew that he was watching her in the edge of his vision. He was chewing over the fact that she had so many forms. Not many things could change into even three forms, let alone potentially the five he’d have been able to spot today. 

“And what, little stalker, do you propose we talk about?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back on the tree. She ignored the jab. 

“Pretty much anything other than children-” she spotted the minute twitch of his eye, “Whatever you want to talk about, really, as long as I can keep my tail out,” she flicked her hairless, red-black tail for emphasis, “Gets itchy if I’m in this form for long without it,” 

“Don’t know of any kind of shapeshifter that can do that many forms in such a short period,” he squinted at her. She tried to hide that that made her crestfallen. His eyes darting around her face said she hadn’t done a very good job. Just because he doesn’t know off the top of his head doesn’t mean the library doesn’t have something, she reminded herself. Sighing, she replied honestly,

“Other than me, neither have I,”

“What are you?” he asked, not unkindly, losing the wary, almost clinical tone he’d had. Of course honesty would be what got him. She should have predicted that. 

“I’ve no idea,” she answered, a bit quietly, surprising herself at the admission. He scratched his scar absentmindedly. Lae’elan wondered if it was terribly itchy or if his scratching was just a nervous tic.

“Don’t know, or won’t tell?”

“Don’t know. Honestly. Earliest memory is at a temple of Melitele for children, the office specifically, but the sisters told me I’d been left on the front stoop in the night,” Again, she was spilling truths freely. If it gets you closer to him, what’s it matter? Gets you closer to that library? He raised his eyebrows, but shrugged. 

“And you can just…”

“If I can figure out how it works, or might work, I can turn into it,”

“And that’s your face?” She rolled her eyes at the question. 

“Not a doppler. Here, I’ll prove it,” she said, sitting up straighter so she could reach around the fire, hand out loosely, palm towards the ground. As if she were a maiden offering her hand to a suitor to kiss. Nodding to his sword in its sheath at his side, she continued “Touch your silver to my hand,” When he didn’t do it immediately, she nudged her hand forward again and tilted her head to the sword, looking him dead in the eye, urging him to just do it. He tilted his head curiously, but unsheathed it. Moving slowly, he placed the flat of the blade on her hand without hesitation. There was, as she knew there would be, no sizzling of flesh. Just cool metal on a dainty, pale hand. Slowly, he turned the blade so that the edge sat atop her hand, but not enough pressure to cut. He piqued one eyebrow in askance. Lae’elan sighed, but nodded, and he immediately made a shallow slice. Her nose wrinkled a bit at the sting, but nothing happened. No hissing of melting doppler flesh. He wiped the blood off the blade onto his pants and replaced it in its sheath. 

“I can do faces, but to do so makes me… uneasy. Like an out of body experience, but the bad kind a human might have as a poor reaction to some drug. Ah, there’s a word for it…” she trailed off before licking at the cut on her hand to get rid of the blood and watching the sliced flesh knit itself back together. 

“Dissociation?” the witcher filled in before she had to think much. He eyed her hand curiously. 

“That’s it exactly!” she nodded, “Most I ever change is my nose. Other than, you know, making myself look human,” she circled her face with a finger, drawing attention to the obvious non-human features. He snorted at the obvious gesture. She huffed a chuckle back.

“Eskel,” he said, suddenly.

“Hm?”

“My name. I’m Eskel,”

“Oh!” she said, pleased, “Lae’elan,” she stuck out a hand to shake. He gently took the hand in his and shook it once. His hands are so much bigger than mine, she thought briefly before-

“Odd name. It’s not a-”

“It’s a bastardized attempt at a human making up an elven name. The sisters thought I was an elf,” she said, flicking one of her long ears, “They were shorter then, and I hadn’t grown a tail or horns or paws or wings at that point. Those didn’t come till later,”

“You looked-? Wait. Wings?” He looked at her shoulder, as if trying to see if he had missed something on her back. He was tilting his head to the side again, like a puppy. Melitele it’s more endearing every time he does it. 

“I have wings as well, but I don’t show those off until I really trust someone,” she explained, looking around the tiny clearing, “Besides, it’s a wee bit cramped for them to stretch out here.” The witcher-- Eskel, she corrected herself-- looked about the patch of dirt.

“They must be quite big, then,” 

“Big, unwieldy, and very sensitive to curious hands if you get my meaning.” He made an ‘ah, I see’ face and seemed a tad embarrassed. She wondered if the old tales of witchers not being able to blush was true, and if it wasn’t, would he be blushing now? Ah shit, maybe we do need to be less crass with this one afterall, she scolded herself. 

“But enough about what I can and can’t do, Eskel,” she laughed, and found she rather liked the sound of his name on her tongue, “Surely there’s something more interesting to talk about. Witcher like you must have some good stories or unique interests to talk about,”

“What are you, my brother’s bard?” He griped, smiling ever so slightly. The shapeshifter just raised an eyebrow. 

“Ah, my brother’s the White Wolf, Geralt of Rivia.” Another blank stare. 

“The famous witcher? The bard Jaskier, his songs, they’re all about him?”

“You’ll have to forgive me,” she began, “I.. don’t come out into human society very often, and when I do I tend to stay away from the more gossipy crowds. I’m afraid I have no idea who or what you’re talking about,”

“Oh,” he looked a bit startled at the fact she was so out of the loop, but the look melded into a bit of bashfulness, “Well then I suppose I feel a bit honored to have been your choice of companion, then,” he said, smiling lightly before gathering his thoughts.

“My brother, Geralt, has bright white hair and is known for not staying out of the affairs of men as we’re meant to. He met a bard, that’s Jaskier, who latched on to Geralt’s pantleg and became rather famous as his barker. Has an entire song cycle about Geralt,” and, mumbling quieter than a human could hear, “You’d think that it wouldn’t take Ger 20 bloody years to figure out the kid is as in love with him as he Jaskier.” She couldn’t help but snort loudly, surprised at the comment. Eskel’s eyes shot up to her. She flicked her ear again. 

“You’ll have to remember I’m not human. Ears are big for a reason. I can likely hear better than even you,” she laughed again, “20 years?”

“Longer, 20 years of pining before they finally got their heads out of their asses and realized,” 

“Fuck, even I’m not that bad. Longest I’ve lasted is two years before giving in,”

“Yeah, well. It’s different when you're a witcher,” he said, mood souring.

“Oh?”

“We live a long time. You watch everyone around you grow old, die, their kids die. Even if you decide watching them die is worth it, being with a witcher is sure death, whether it comes from exposure to the elements, a monster getting them, or a vindictive witcher-hater,” 

“It’s not worth the experience of love? Of companionship?”

“They’ve decided it is,” he said, poking the fire with a stick, “Others? Me? I’m not so sure,”

They sat in silence for a minute, Lae’elan watching him as he moodily poked the sticks around.

“Eskel, how old do you think I am,” She asked, curious. He looked up sharply before looking her up and down. 

“20… 30?” she scratched his scar again, “I have trouble telling with humans,” She laughed softly, thinking of times long, long gone. 

“Try somewhere around 250, my dear,” she smiled and looked him in the eye, her own head tilting to the side now. If she didn’t impart anything on him but this, it might be worth it anyway, “And I have to agree with your brother and his bard. It’s worth it. Even if it kills a part of you when they go, it’s worth it.” He stared into her eyes for a minute, looking for something. 

“I’m… sorry,” he said quietly, turning his head to look at the ground to the side of the fire. 

“It’s ok. 80 years does a lot of healing,” her smile was sad, but brightening as she took up his idle mantle and poked the fire with a stick, prodding to move a bit that had fallen so that the fire could breathe better. 

“250?” he asked, looking her over again, “Really?”

“Somewhere between that and 260, I’d guess. Some bits get hazy on the years what with being a hermit for years at a time, and, well, I don’t know how old I was when I turned up at that orphanage,” she shrugged, “Apparently I looked to be about three, but when I ran away four years later, when I should have been 7, I looked closer to 11. My aging’s rather fucked up. So… my age is a mystery just like the fucking rest of me.” Her stomach chose that moment to growl lightly.

“I’ll go-”

“You can check those snares I saw you set up,” she cut in, rising to her feet and stretching her arms above her, “But I can catch my own food,” 

“I wouldn’t… I mean I didn’t-” He began. She chuckled. 

“I know you wouldn’t try to poison me or assume I can’t hunt for myself, Eskel, I just enjoy catching my own meals too much to let someone else.” With that, she shifted, her bones snapping into new forms, her russet hair turning into pale cream and brown fur, until a wolf wrestled its way out of her dress. She took off like a shot into the undergrowth, but not before noting Eskel’s discomfort at the sight. Have to unpack that later, she thought as she bounded in the direction she’d heard a deer about half an hour ago. 

Taglist: @its--fandom--darling

[kinetic-elaboration]

July 24: Today’s Brainstorming Work

My body told me rest/sleep a lot today, so I did. Then I had a long phone conversation with my mom, and then I spent the evening poking around at some fics--just planning/brainstorming, not actual writing, which is still... a thing. I don’t honestly know if I’ll have the opportunity to write tomorrow, and at this point it’s becoming a real issue, that I’m so out of practice, that it seems harder than it is, which makes me more scared to start, and so on. A vicious cycle.

That said, brainstorming and planning work is still work and I got.... some stuff down in that regard. And it felt good to do.

Poly Fic: I typed out my notes from the beginning of the month, which also served as a helpful reminder, both of what I had done, and what I hadn’t. Then I filled in the rest of part one with a similar level of detail, which is, the broadest strokes and some random scene ideas.

At this point, the biggest problem is that my notes give me a sense of what’s happening, what the characters are feeling, and how the plot is progressing, but very few hints as to how I show that to other people. I don’t have a scene list--far from it. I don’t have any sense of pacing for most of it, either. Actually translating this narrative arc from the very general notes I have now to a usable point by point outline, let alone actual text, is going to be difficult, I think. I’m dealing with emotions that the characters themselves can’t always describe, good intentions married by miscommunication and poor communication, immaturity that doesn’t know it’s immaturity, and my own complex feelings about my own past experiences, all of which makes the detailed crafting of the fictional story very delicate and difficult.

I never expected to actually write this story, so it’s more than okay if this is a long process. I think letting it simmer on the back burner of my subconscious will probably be helpful. Some things might come to me and suddenly seem very obvious. I’ll probably... I’ll have to take each sub-section/chapter and write a list of what needs to happen in it, like, what I need to show in some way, and then I can translate that into a specific scene that will hit the plot points properly.

I don’t know if I want to do this before or after I dive into Part Two. So far, for that, I just have a list of scenes I brainstormed. It’s a very different process than Part One, though not on purpose. With Part One, I focused on telling myself the story, and didn’t pay much attention to how that story would be translated into discrete moments or scenes. With Part Two, I ended up having some discrete scene ideas, but there’s no connecting tissue. One is a narrative without moments, the other, moments without a narrative. I want to go in and give it that narrative as the next step, then I can sort out the details of the outline/scene list, etc.

Slow Summer Vibes fic: I still don’t know if this is going to be a thing because I just canNOT move it from “vibes” to “plot.” I’m mostly basing the vibes on two specific songs. I just want to create something that makes me (and perhaps others) feel the way these two songs make me feel. But maybe that’s just not meant to be. I’m feeling a little bit of Time Anxiety about the summer. I’m afraid it’s going too fast, in some ways, and that I’m not prepared for what comes next--not just creatively, but also creatively. I feel like if I want to Write Summer Things, I gotta do it now. And I have another story that is pure Summer Vibes, which should probably be my priority.

Still, I have a few distinct images here that I want to convey or capture in some way, and I don’t feel like I’ve given it enough of a try yet. I’m going to try brainstorming a little more.

Troped Visual: Forgot that the new prompt board was dropping tonight so when I saw that on my dash, I obviously had to give it some thought. I really didn’t get any inspiration from the first one, though it was very beautiful, and I was wondering if it’s just that translating from a visual form doesn’t work for me, would but that it did. This one is still a lot tougher than word prompts but I’m getting some ideas... I’m not sure they’ll come to anything though.

I have two kinda ideas. One scares me because of the fandom, though it’s (comparatively) more fleshed out--emphasis on comparatively. The other is... barely an idea, but it’s more solid ground in terms of fandom. So. Writing either is going to involve me, uh, actually writing, which means it probably won’t happen but part of me is like ‘Troped and its short writing periods are good for just forcing yourself to Do It, no matter what, and in the past you’ve written great work that way’ so like.. maybe it would be good for me to try, is what I’m saying. We’ll see.

[winryofresembool]

Caleo fic: Future Talk

Summary: After Calypso returns from her quest to the zoo with Apollo, she and Leo have a much needed talk.

a/n: So, I'm currently about 300 pages into The Dark Prophecy... and honestly, it's been a giant struggle for me. Specifically, the Caleo scenes have been because I expected quite a lot but got very little. I love this ship so much and I just can't quite agree with the way Rick has presented them in this book. Almost all of their scenes together are just Leo making jokes and Calypso getting mad at him and it's getting pretty tiring even for me. Luckily, it's still fixable, and that's why I decided to write this fic! I like to think that there is actually way more happening behind the scenes than what Apollo tells us, and that, yes, C&L are able to have a normal conversation. On a positive side, I think the thought of them studying together is actually kind of neat, their new Waystation family is adorable (and definitely a good match for them), and I also loved the little shoutout to the garage idea at one point of TDP! 

Rant over, now please enjoy this fic and let me know what you think because that way you'll get more Caleo (and other) content from me more easily! Dedicated to @criis55 :3

genre: fluff

words: 1458

warnings: none (TDP spoilers in case you haven’t read it)

ao3 link

...

After Calypso fainted in Leo’s arms, he and Josephine rushed her into the infirmary of Waystation. Thankfully, Jo’s treatment started working fast and when it became clear that she would be fine and Calypso convinced her she was feeling better, the older woman left the couple alone. An awkward silence fell into the room, both knowing there were many things they needed to address but not knowing how to start.

“You scared me there, Mamacita,” Leo said finally. “Are you really OK now?”

“Yes, I am. You do not have to mother me.”

Calypso realized from Leo’s expression that her response may have come out a bit harsher than she had meant, so she sighed and said: “I think we need to talk.”

“At least we agree on that,” Leo noted, sitting down on Calypso’s bed.

“We… we have been snapping at each other quite a lot lately,” she said quietly.

“We have,” Leo nodded seriously. “Do you think it’s because… well, we’ve had a lot going on since we left Ogygia?”

Calypso seemed to consider it for a moment. “Yes, that is probably a part of the reason. Not a day has passed since something dangerous has happened. I think coming here… this is the first time I feel somewhat safe. If you can call it safe when I was just almost killed at the zoo. And gods, even now there are all kinds of evil forces trying to get into this building.”

“When you go through it too many times, you start feeling dull towards it,” Leo noted. “Only so many monsters and earth goddesses you can blow up before you get bored.”

“I do not get how you can talk about that so calmly. You died, Leo,” Calypso said, sounding more upset about the thought than he had expected.

“Yeah, but I’m here now, Mamacita. Super-sized McShizzle has his ways to evade death.”

“Stop calling yourself like that, that is ridiculous,” Calypso pushed his shoulder, but Leo could see a hint of smile on her face.

“Oi, but you love me with my flaws and all. Right?” Leo’s eyes suddenly turned very serious. Truth to be told, that was the one thing he was worried about. What if… Calypso was with him just because she felt she owed him after he freed her from Ogygia… Or what if everything that had happened since they left the island had changed her opinion on him…

“Stupid. Do you think I would really still be here if I didn’t?” Calypso pointed out. “I do have my own will in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Right. Sorry. I just…”

Calypso’s expression softened. “You would think that a demigod who even beat my lovely grandmother would be surer of himself...” She put her hand on his cheek. “But believe me, I do not care about you out of obligation. I care about you for you. If I give you a hard time sometimes, it’s mainly because sometimes you do not know when to shut up. That does not mean that I don’t love you…”

Leo gave her a light kiss on the tip of her nose, a gesture surprisingly tender for him, and then rested his forehead against hers.

“Yo también te quiero... I was just worried because… I know that you leaving your home and becoming mortal and… all that…” he left consciously the part about her losing her powers out, “...has been hard on you. Sometimes when you look at me, I can see it in your face that you’re saying ‘this wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you’… Which I guess is partially true, but I need to know: are you mad at me for taking you away from Ogygia?”

A silence followed, as Calypso considered her answer. “No. Not really.” She shook her head. “Yes, it is true that I left Ogygia because of you. And I do miss it sometimes. The simple, comfortable life I had there. And my powers. And maybe the thought of death scares me a bit, especially since we’ve been so close to it so many times since we left. Sometimes, when things get bad, I seem to forget it was my decision to leave. While I was with Apollo, he reminded me of that, and even though I hated to hear it… It was probably something I needed to hear. You know it is hard for me to admit I am wrong, but I’m sorry, Leo. I should not have made you feel like that. None of it is your fault; we are just… victims of the circumstances.”

“Don’t worry about it. I think I can see where you’re coming from.” Then he turned his eyes to the direction where he imagined Apollo was in that moment, looking unimpressed. “The gods really don’t want to make things easy for us, do they?”

“No, I guess not,” Calypso chuckled a bit at the irony. “Even now there is one running around as a mortal and trying to get us mixed in his mess…”

Leo couldn’t help but snort.

”You know what? When this whole thing with Apollo is over… What would you say if we stayed here? For a longer period of time? You know, you could let Jo teach you some magic and Emmie would love to have some help with the gardening…”

“And what would you do?” Calypso asked curiously. It was clear Leo had already put a lot of thought into this.

“I’m sure Jo wouldn’t mind having another mechanic around… But I think… I never expected to say this but school sounds awesomely normal right now. I haven’t been in one since the Wilderness School where I met Jason and Piper so I have some catching up to do. If you want to, I’m sure we could sign you in too, but I suppose that could be weird for you.”

Calypso seemed to consider it. “Maybe. But it could also be a good way to learn more about this world. Meet new people who do not know anything about the mess that is our lives. Make sure my boyfriend doesn’t get into trouble again. I think it sounds great!”

“You’re so rarita, Sunshine,” Leo said but couldn’t help but smile. “But I like that! Maybe it motivates me to not skip classes when I get bored of the normalcy.”

“As long as you remember that no kissing in the classroom or school corridors!”

“Aww, babe, that’s mean!” Leo protested. “You’ll have to make up for that at home, then.”

“We’ll see about that,” Calypso rolled her eyes, but there was a twinkle in them. “Anyways. I think this will be a good thing. Maybe by staying here we will have time to maintain our relationship more too.”

“Wait… did I just hear correctly?” Leo asked teasingly. “Maintain? Like a machine? I’m not sure if you’re making fun of me or if you’re trying to amuse me.”

“Well, interpret that as you wish,” Calypso smirked. “Sorry about getting so mad about your machine comparisons, though. I guess it is simply easier for you to see things that way… with you being a Hephaestus son and all…”

“Yeah…” Leo turned more serious. “I didn’t mean to offend you with that… But I’ll try to use less mechanic language around you from now on.”

“It’s OK,” Calypso said, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

“Anyway, I tell you what!” Leo’s face brightened again. “When we have graduated from the high school – assuming of course that we’ll survive this madness that’s going on with Apollo – then… I’d like to rethink that garage idea of ours.”

“You still think about it?” Calypso asked, surprised and kind of touched that he remembered such a detail.

“Of course!” he exclaimed. “I meant it the same way I meant it when I said I’m gonna get you from your island.”

“That’s… sweet of you.”

“Of course I also want to show you more of the world but maybe we need a short break from traveling for now. To really take some time to get to know each other better and… think about what we want and… all.”

“You are right. That sounds great,” Calypso said, seeming notably more relaxed now than before the conversation. She leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed happily. There was one more worry in her mind, though, so after a while she added:

“Something tells me that Apollo is going to need your help soon. You had better stay alive to keep all the promises you just made or I will come and kill you myself.”

“Well, that’s reassuring,” Leo laughed. “Don’t worry, Sunshine, whatever happens, I will come back. Leo Valdez always does.”

He sealed his promise with a kiss.