#but i cant keep my eyes open
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I would like to think that I'm a pretty decent role model, aside from the fact that when I am clearly overworked I choose to ignore that fact and continue at the exact same workload, then wonder why I keep nearly shutting down after a few hours of effort.
Don't do that, dear ones. That's bad and not smart. It's going to be an interesting time after my surgery when I literally can't do 90% of my obligations for like two months or else my guts might fall out.
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sneak peek before I pass out in my bed gn everynyan
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I am sorry to hear that the depression has stolen your spark.
I want you to know that you are the sole reason I gave Skyward Sword a chance. Your art was so beautiful and compelling that I just had to know about the media it came from.
Your art introduced me to an incredible community that years later, I am still benefitting from. Your art was the gateway, and I've always been thankful to you for that.
I hope your spark realights, and I hope you can kick depression right in its ass.
i- i did that????? qoq
yes im reviving old reaction pictures
i hope im not ruining the mood bc .. this legitimately made me tear up and i kept thinking of this ever since receiving the ask-
but bc i cant keep my mouth shut (i apologize if you are already well aware of all this i just .. like to talk i guess), i ... idk i have said this before but i feel incredibly conflicted about demise (am i allowed to like him??? do i even like him when i changed him so much??? am i a fraud fan????) and the game he comes from, i .. dont actually like skyward sword that much, or, not as much as it may seem like (my favorite is windwaker, second is botw), every now and then i even feel guilty for demise being my blorbo tm- as much as i love him im under no illusion what his introduction to the series did, the games lore is not .. great, it seems to have kickstarted the decline of the series writing and completely torpedoed any sort of fandom discussion by making zelda a literal reincarnation of the good tm gods of love and light and peace and everything good tm uwu and pit her against an evil demonnnnn that just crawled out the earth one day (??) and was only evil and bad and dark and hate incarnate an hated the good tm gods bc hes jsut so eviiiil, it gave rise to the utter dissmissal of any sort of ganondorf related discussions (funny how it only seems to apply to ganondorf, and none of the other villains hmmmmmmmmmmmm) bc, while not confirmed confirmed (though the fandom likes to pretend that), hes now widely seen as a reincarnation of demise and thus, doesnt need nuance or be given any grace or thought bc apparently when you say someone is a demon (or its reincarnation, which i dont believe ganondorf is, to be clear) that means its fine to not give them any thought bc demons are just evil tm and thats ok and good writing actually (wat????)
(if you take skysw as canonically how it all went down bc my interpretation makes it all be a fabricated lie so the gods can play their little games, there is no godess reincarnation, that was a lie to make way for an opressive kingdom belivieing itself to be irrevocably good no matter what they do etc)
it also cheapens any of the past entries, all of them have been flattened by this, why disscuss ganondorfs motivation lol, he just be a demon/demons puppet, zelda could never be wrong or do bad things bc she literal incarnation of goodness uwu etc- (and then totk, only the second game after skysw, retreads its points and makes it even worse while ALSO trampeling over that game imo)
i dont like saying it, but i do feel a little alienated even from ganondorf fans (i love him too!!!!!) bc they hate demise, and rightfully so, it feels weird having your main blorbo be the reason your second fav is constantly done dirty, why you cant even talk about anything critically bc 'iTs jUst a sIMpLe fAiRytALe' now and part of the reason the lore in general has gone to shit, and i dont know how much i can talk about that before i become an obnoxious 'well ACTUALLY my blorbo, who is the reason for all this, is ALSO done dirty and im gonna explain away the bad stuff via my completely noncanon reinterpretation-' guy, or if i already am what im doing with destiny is like .. my way of trying to fix it and make it interesting again? though at this point i guess im falling into the category of people who change their blorbo so much that there really isnt anythign left of the og, which worries me alot, though i wonder if thats even possible given how little there is to him in the first place, i so often see viral posts that make me feel guilty or conflicted for the way i work with media, "actually my blorbo did all those crimes and thats good you all who need to explain away the bad things are weak and annoying!!" "people who change their favs until they barely resemble the character anymore should just make an oc instead!!"-
i dont know if i take these types of posts too literally, i dont know when or how they apply, but it always circles around in my head, i know not everyone can like what you do, but i want to work with the material i have in an interesting way, not a puritanical way (or however you call that), its not in my mind every second, but it nevertheless makes me doubt what i do with my fanworks anytime i talk about them-
... this wasnt really the point of the message was it ... apologies, i hope not every ask will devolve into a sort of mini rant ;__; i dont mean to invalidate what you said, (and im not saying skyward sword is all bad, its full of charm, from characters to designs, just the lore is .. damaging) it is incredibly touching bc me or my art having a positive impact on people blindsides me every single time like "WHAT??? IMPOSSIBLE you MUST be thinking of someone else, no way i could do that", when something gets brought up my thoughts just kinda start pouring out, i thought about deleting everything i wrote, but then felt like that wouldnt be as genuine anymore (i am not normal tm after all and im long past a point pretending otherwise) and have wasted another hour for nothing, so im gonne leave it in and hope, pray even, it comes across correctly
q-q
#ganondoodles answers#ganondoodles talks#zelda#i guess i have a problem with things that could be interesting but arent#i couldnt really think of anything to do with windwaker though its my fav zelda game#but to reinvent the whole lore the entire franchise is based on is my thing!!#and i hate totk like no other game yet i keep making art for my rewrite of it#i guess its the thing that drives people mad#when something is bad when it shouldnt have been#or in case of skysw its like .... ok you gave me room to recontextualize literally everything here i goooo#i really hope they dont try to put anything before skysw#i like when something doesnt have a lot of lore bc it lets me be creative with everything while still fit it to the rest#i think this ask was more mant to just be a compliment#but when im given an opening i WILL talk bout whavetever is occupying my mind#and i saw multiple people talk about skysw so ... thats that i guess#also .. just letting myself talkabout doubts and stuff is just kinda .. distracting from everything else#and i need to stop playing stardew bc my thumb nd eye hurt when i woke up so ... mandatory break#already planning to do too much for all these asks .. gotta force myself to just answer#and not plan out the most elaborate drawings ever in an attempt to give back as much as i can to the ppl who sent them#bc i cant! do all of that! argh!
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its day 50!!! pretty :)
#71#dallon weekes#im out of coherent things to say#goodnight everyone#not permanently im just going to bed#also expect a new layout. in 10 hours. i cant keep my eyes open rn#idkhow#2022
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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Omg I just remembered eighth grade english class bro the MAZE RUNNER WAS SO BADD 😭😭😭😭
(This a redraw , original drawing was from eigth grade LMFAO)
#the maze runner characters were all girls to me idc….#i loved minho bro omg#u cant hate minho#the maze runner sucked so bad but I loved it like I loved shitting on it and minho i loved minho bro#maze runner#the maze runner#minho#thomas#newt#cassketti art#we all had that one piece of media that was so bad that it made our young selves like media literate and like actually critically think#maze runner was my first media that I hated so much I started to understand how to analyze writing#like I knew the basics of writing before but like maze runner opened my eyes fr#im sorry maze runner fans 😭😭😭#dont listen to him thomas ur rocking that choppy microbangs look keep doing u (lies)#ur barbers probably already dead anyways OO implied spoilers sorry
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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days where i have nothing to do: ohhhh im so sleepy im so so tired no one is more eepy than me
nights where i have to wake up at a set time: I Have Never Been More Awake In My Life
#help my eyes keep drifting back open#im trying all my tricks#cozy couch setup. whale shark plush to cling to. low lights. wendigoon iceberg in the bg. laughingstock imaginings in brain#IM WIDE TF AWAKE AND HAVE TO GET UP IN LESS THAN 7 HOURS#fuckfuckfuck did i pack my melatonin gummies already by mistake#i mean its not like i have to drive or anything#but id like to be... Aware. Available to converse with my dearest darling bestie#because i Am going to see my bestie!#absolutely unprompted#huh wait when was the last time i talked to a real life person in front of me. um.#its... been a couple weeks#NOT A MONTH YET THIS TIME! LESS THAN A MONTH!#but ohhhhh i am excited#tea with the homeslicebreadslice... joint Art creation....#BEING OUT IN THE WORLD AHAHA I WILL BE TEMPORARILY FREE#clawing at the walls let me OUT#gonna start biting this house i swear to god#i cant wait to be free of it. i hope it burns in the next big wildfire#OK WAIT NEW PLAN. i washed my mug and i have chamomile tea#i will drink some warm soothing tea uhhhhh maybe re-read a fic?#willing myself not to read stamps for the millionth time. im gonna read stamps for the millionth time#listen listen i love it and also im starving for fic#one day i will contribute but for now im poking ao3 with a stick begging it to do something#Soon though. i have a feeling. a strong psychic feeling.#Soon... something will Appear... i know this because my third eye is open#also i know because i know. OR DO I#im so tired yet so awake at the same time#someone whack me over the head with a cartoon mallet so that i may go to sleep with little birdies circling my head#wait shit those are vultures. IM NOT DEAD YET FUCK OFF#please i need to go snzzzzzz.... my alarm will be Going Off...
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here is my catalogue for fanexpo this year 🙇
#fanexpo canada#fanexpo toronto#fanexpo 2024#what else is it called idk. i cant keep my eyes open#conventions#prints
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my testosterone is failing me (again) but this lighting makes me feel like royalty
#the only time of day my stupid eyes are a nice colour#sorry#blond#agender#curly hair#glasses#single#ftm#transmasc#royalcore#i need my person to come find me this week has been defeatinf#i miss someone ive never met and i cant keep going without him in my life#so applications are open for thick boys with nice voices and blue eyes#but like....dont get your hopes up
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google search results for kitties cuddling
#a doodley#i can barely keep my eyes open im crawling to bed#cow al comes home to them like dis is what i was getting at earlier#also what is the explanation for when you start devolving in drawing something you have not once stopped drawing...#bc ive been drawing both smunker and talon's middle parts (in their hair) year round and suddenly it keeps looking weird and off#or feeling wrong and i cant do it...whats the deaaal....idgi...#also he's not biting smunker his fangs are just Out
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.
#i saw someone else's post about deleting social media for a while and tbh i think i might do the same#if you have my discord you know where to find me#if youre close to me you probably already know that im not well right now#i think i just need to shut the world off for a while and pretend im in a very small bubble where only surviving to the next day matters#im safe i have folks looking out for me and im feeling more lucid today than i have been lately#and if that changes i made safety nets to make sure i cant hurt myself#but I m gonna just step out for a while and plan on maybe not opening social medias other than discord till next year#i need to make my world feel smaller for a while and just stick my head in the sand until im in a safer place mentally#if youre reading this and youre in a place like i am know that youre not alone#know that its ok to close your eyes for a little while and be selfish#its ok to make your world smaller right now and take a break from fighting if you need to#i understand theres a lot of shame for not fighting for everyone else or feeling suicidal when other folks have it worse off than you do#idk right now im lucid enough to just say i cant think about that right now and thats ok#if you need to focus on just keeping your own feet on the ground for now thats ok#ill see yall next year. please still be here with me. im gonna try my best to still be here too
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2024 is probably not my best year now that i think about it
#i mean - let's go over the good ones. i have my own laptop now - i'm doing okay in uni. and I haven't gotten any bad issues with irl stuff#in terms of living i'm doing okay and im pretty content#but emotionally and mentally ? horrendous. I don't think i'm really actually doing okay mentally#im struggling to find myself to be the same person i was awhile back. it just doesn't fit like a puzzle anymore even if it's supposed to fit#whats genuinely saving me from feeling miserable is my current interest which is why i'm really so quick to get excited or happy w it#it's so hard to look at past interests now and not think about the “bad” highlight - even if the good highlights are bigger than the bad#i feel like i'm keeping a facade when i'm talking to people. i feel like im being fake when im talking to people. i just cant find myself to#feel like myself when talking to others. that's why i havent been so active talking unless its close people#i'm scared of not being able to “keep up” with them. feel boring with them. not feeling like “the jil” they know#i'm tired. and upset. maybe i am bothered after all#being told that i sounded so fake when i talked really opened my eyes. maybe i am fake because i'm tired. but i wouldn't know#Losing a friend really does something to you huh.
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walked downstairs n immediately passed out n my body is suddenly so Hot all over & my stomach feels so weird i can barely breathe i did not realize how much being sick yesterday harmed me
#i was up this morning n i ate and felt fine i dont know why its hitting so hard all of a sudden#my head is so heavy it feels like my brain is sloshing around in there i can barely keep my eyes open o(-<#im thirsty but im out of water nd i cant go back downstairs#just stick laying here feeling my heart beat n like im about 2 combust#but i am glad my mom cancelled me helping her clean the house today#i would hav Died#i hope ill have more strength tomorrow but im not confident n i am filled w dread
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hiii good morning
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i just think we should be playing w “good girl” (for men) more often send tweet
#so fatigued i literally cant keep my eyes fully open and yet i cannot sleep#filter on zero for the night i’m afraid
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