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givemea-dam-break · 2 years ago

Note

im a sucker for lockwood x reader angst and i mean angry confessions, miscommunication and the “go ahead and leave then. everyone does, it wouldnt be a surprise if u did too” 😩😩😩

a/n: AHHHHH yes!! i'm so sorry this has taken so long to be written, and the fact I've been inactive for a week or two - it's been assignment week so i needed to focus on that unfortunately, but i hope you enjoy this! angst is my favourite thing to write lol. unfortunately, there's not much miscommunication in this, but i hope I've ticked the other boxes :)

warnings: angst, language gn reader

"Will you say something?"

You keep your head turned, staring out of the night cab's rain-covered window. Your heart is pounding, filled with rage, and you're worried that if you open your mouth, it'll come spilling out and you'll say something you'll either regret or get fired for.

Lockwood was an idiot during your case. He was reckless and impulsive, and it meant that the two of you narrowly finished it with your lives and all of your limbs in good health. You would've forgiven him if it had been a one-off, but he does this almost every single time, and it's becoming a big issue.

So here you sit, arms crossed over your chest as the cab speeds along, biting your tongue. Lockwood sits across from you, watching you with those dark eyes of his while a cut oozes blood on his forehead. Any other day, you would've patched it up immediately, but tonight he'll have to cope. You've had enough.

It doesn't take long to reach Portland Row and the taxi has barely stopped when you jump out and storm off towards the house. Lockwood is delayed a few seconds, having to pay the cabbie, but he catches up easily.

"(name), come on. Talk to me."

Wordlessly, you unlock the front door, half tempted to slam it shut in his face, but this is his house. He's got more right to be here than you.

You make to angrily climb the stairs and hide out in the attic to await Lucy's return and rant to her about Lockwood, but his hand wraps around your wrist as you reach the second step, stopping you.

"Please, (name). I can't stand it."

For a minute, you just stare at him. The blood from his cut has been smeared across his forehead, and the bags under his eyes have become a little more pronounced, but your usual sympathy has disappeared, eaten away by fury.

"What do you want me to say, Lockwood? Oh, it's okay that you almost killed yourself being so reckless tonight. You're my knight in shining armour. Or, how about: I know you promised to be reasonable tonight to make amends for all the other times you've almost killed yourself, and you didn't end up being reasonable, but I forgive you."

He looks at you, his gaze soft. His eyes are desperate, but he's got you talking which was his goal. It seems that the context of the conversation doesn't matter all that much to him.

But you don't care.

"Every single case," you say, trying to keep yourself from raising your voice, "has ended the same. We almost die or get seriously injured because you get reckless. I get it. You're trying to save us, and, believe me, Lockwood, I'm grateful for that, but what would happen if you died? Who would protect us then? Because all of this - you throwing yourself in the face of danger for us - will mean nothing if you die."

"I'm not going to let you guys get hurt," Lockwood says, and there's an undertone in his voice that gives you a clue to how he's feeling. He's getting irritated.

Good.

"And I thank you for that," you say. "But this is constant. Do you ever stop to think what we'd feel if you died? We'd be lost, Lockwood. Not to mention jobless."

"What am I meant to do? Let you get hurt? Not a chance!"

His rising anger is feeding into yours, and soon it'll be a raging fire, ready to burn everything in its wake. You have half a mind to let it loose, to tell him exactly how you feel about his stupidity, but you reign it in for now.

"Don't you hear me? I said I'm grateful that you try to keep us safe, but not at the cost of your own life!" You tear your wrist out of his grasp, breathing heavily. "Just take a minute to imagine this: you die on a case, and we have to deal with the body. We have to watch you die, and then we have to ignore the grief to not only finish the case but also make sure your body is taken away safely, that you're given a funeral. After that, a lifetime of grief and regret and denial, hoping you step through that fucking door one more time! Of all people, I thought you'd know what that kind of thinking does to a person."

His gaze hardens. "Watch yourself."

The laugh that escapes your lips is humourless. "Right, okay. I forgot. We don't talk about that topic because you're not ready, and that's fine. But it'll be me that has the burden when you die. Then George and Lucy will have to figure out how to cope, too. But we don't have a room to hide your memories away in, Lockwood. We live in a house surrounded by you."

You climb up a few stairs and point at a photo on the wall. "These pictures? They can be stashed away, but the feeling of you can't. Your soul has practically been embedded into the walls, the floor, the ceiling. Nowhere we go in this house will allow us to escape the memory of you."

His face is a little red as he watches you. He's angrier than you've ever seen him.

"So leave then."

The words feel like a punch to the stomach. "What?"

"If you're so sick of it, if the thought of my possible death is too much, then leave. Everyone does. It wouldn't surprise me if you did."

It takes all of your willpower not to scream at him. Instead, chest filled with the pressure of your fury, you make your way back down the stairs until you're eye to eye with Lockwood. He's breathing heavily now, too, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he watches you, eyes blazing with anger but also something else... Guilt?

"You don't get to say that," you growl. "I have been here for you since the beginning. I helped you set this company up. I helped you get it licenced, and I was the one who sweet-talked our way into getting full DEPRAC insurance. I have supported every stupid decision you've made. I've questioned you, but I never pushed. And yet, you still have the gall to say that you wouldn't be surprised by me leaving?"

The anger is so strong that tears threaten to cloud your eyes, but you push them down. You will not cry.

"I've tried my hardest to make sure you stay alive." The waver in your voice is embarrassing, but something in Lockwood cracks at the sound of it. "All I do is make sure you stay alive because you're all I've had for years. I've always cared for you. I've sat and patched you up night after night because I care about you - shit, I love you, Lockwood! I always have! So, don't you even dare suggest that I would ever leave. It's as good as insulting my parents' graves."

At that, you turn on your heel and storm up the stairs, leaving Lockwood standing at the bottom.

It takes a while for you to calm down.

After cleaning yourself of all specks of blood and dirt, you change into clean clothes and sink down onto your bed, closing your eyes and trying to slow the thrumming of your heart. Your hands are shaking from a mix of rage and sadness, but they lie on your chest, easing as your heart rate slows.

It takes all of your willpower to try and not think about one of the last things you said to Lockwood - that you love him - but it proves to be harder than it should be. You didn't lie. In your years of knowing Lockwood, you've grown close to him, something that had been hard originally because of your lack of trust in people, but he charmed his way right into your life. Every smile, every touch of your fingers left your heart racing and your mind hoping, begging, that he felt the same.

Now, though, after that argument, you're almost entirely convinced that he doesn't.

When George and Lucy arrive back at the house, you trudge downstairs to the kitchen where everyone awaits to discuss the cases. Lucy's already made you a cup of tea that you accept gratefully as you sit down at the far end of the table.

Away from Lockwood.

The change in your seating is noted by everyone, your usual chair left empty beside Lockwood's at the head of the table. George frowns, glancing between you and Lockwood, and Lucy gives you a look that you ignore.

"It was a phantasm where we were," you say, scribbling away at the thinking cloth. "Well, there was that, and then there was a very angry Wraith as well. Murder victims. We dealt with them quickly."

George's eyes find the plaster on Lockwood's head, much less neatly applied than it would've been had you patched him up.

"Rawbones for us," Lucy says, sipping her tea. There's a patch on the sleeve of her jacket that smokes slightly, burned by plasm. "George found the source - a manky old mug. Made no sense. Skull was no use, either. I think he's mad at me."

"Again?" Lockwood asks. His voice isn't entirely there. "What did you do this time?"

"I didn't do anything. He's just a little prick."

You bite your tongue to stop yourself from making a snide comment. The others are watching you carefully, easily picking up on your mood, but they don't bring it up.

Lockwood's eyes haven't left you this entire time. He's trying to communicate in that silent way you both developed after years of friendship, but you tear your gaze away from his, pushing down the re-emerging fury in your chest.

"Well, we're all alive," Lockwood says, laying emphasis on the final word. "Let's get a good night's sleep. We've got a meeting tomorrow with another client."

Lucy and George get up immediately as if they were waiting for a cue to leave. They're gone in seconds, closing the kitchen door behind them. It makes no difference. You silently sip your tea, still scribbling away. Your little mess of lines has turned into an angry face.

"(name) -"

You stand, making to leave the kitchen with your mug in hand, but Lockwood blocks the door.

Staring up at him, you scowl. "Excuse me, Anthony."

There's a little smirk playing on his lips. "Using my first name? I suppose I am in trouble."

"It's nice that you think this is funny, but I certainly don't. Now, let me get past so I can go to bed. I've had enough of today."

"Please, wait." He looks down at you, his eyes soft. He doesn't seem angry anymore - that makes one of you. "Can we just... talk?"

Against your better judgement, you turn and sit back in your seat, placing one of your feet on the seat and resting your head on your knee. You're tired. Not just from the case, but from being angry.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Lockwood says, and you know he's genuine. "I saw that Wraith coming for you, and I couldn't just stand there and let you get hurt."

You sigh, more exhausted than mad now. "That's not the problem, Lockwood. You do this in every single case, even when there's no need to. Half the time, I'm not sure whether it's because you want to protect us or if it's because you want an excuse to die." Your voice catches a little.

He falters, not expecting that. Part of you wants to feel good about catching him off guard, but the topic quenches any of it. You've spent countless nights worrying that you would get up in the morning only to find Lockwood not there or scared that you'd end a case leaning over his dead body.

No one should ever have to think like that.

"I care about you a lot," you say, running a hand over your face. "You know that. But I don't think it has ever occurred to you how badly it'd affect me if you died. And, I know, I'm being selfish, but I don't want to have to live in a world without you in it."

He's silent for a moment. "I'm sorry - about what I said earlier. I didn't mean it."

You barely have the willpower to shrug. "We were both angry. People say stuff they don't mean when they'd angry."

"So, you don't mean what you said? About loving me?"

It's hard to not look at him, but you focus your gaze on the thinking cloth, tracing the messy writing and doodles with your fingers. There are a few coffee and tea stains covering it.

"I meant it." Your mouth feels dry, so you take another sip of your tea. "I meant everything."

The only sound is of both of your breathing and Lockwood's foot tapping rhythmically on the tiled floor. He's nervous.

"I don't expect you to feel the same," you clarify. "To be honest, I hadn't meant to say it right then. If I had my way, I wouldn't have said it at all unless I was sure you felt the same. But, it's out there now."

Lockwood's chair screeches against the floor and, suddenly, he's kneeling beside you, moving so that he can catch your eyes. That stupid grin of his has parted his lips. His hand grasps yours softly, and you can feel his pulse faintly. It's faster than it should be.

"Don't look so smug," you grumble. "I don't forgive you, so I don't see what you have to be cocky about."

His grin only widens. "I'll show you what."

And then his lips have captured yours.

It's a short kiss, no longer than a few seconds, but it's enough to have your stomach performing a whole gymnastics routine. The anger in your chest slowly fades away until it's nothing but a small prickle, still there but nowhere near as powerful as it was.

His lips are startlingly soft, but, really, you wouldn't put it past him to be applying chapstick every waking second. He always wants to be camera-ready. Your eyes have fluttered shut, and, by the feeling of his lashes brushing your cheeks, it seems his have also. You wonder if his brain is throwing a party, too.

When he pulls away, you find yourself wanting more. Instead, you press your forehead against his, shutting your eyes tightly for a moment.

"If that wasn't enough to convince you to stop being so self-sacrificing on cases, I honestly don't know what will."

He laughs, and the sound has your heart soaring. "I'll try my best, but if you need saving, I'll most definitely come to save you. I am your 'knight in shining armour' after all."

His gaze is already locked on yours when you open your eyes again. The darkness of his eyes entraps you, and it's impossible to look away.

"Will you forgive me?"

A sly smile curves your lips. "Maybe if you kiss me more."

#lockwood x reader #anthony lockwood x reader #lockwood and co x reader #lockwood and co fanfiction #lockwood and co #lockwood and co netflix #anthony lockwood #george karim #lucy carlyle #x reader #fanfiction #givemea-dam-break

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hellas-himself · 8 years ago

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My ACOTAR review aka I can't believe I ever liked Tamlin.

I want to start this off by saying that I’ve read A Court of Thorns and Roses before. I read it close to the beginning of my journey in healing. Seeing a therapist and coming to learn that I have PTSD (in addition to depression and anxiety). I’m a survivor of abuse. I’ve been abused as a child, and as well as a teen and an adult. The very first time I read ACOTAR, I was completely crazy about Tamlin. I looked at him, how he behaved. At how Feyre responded to him and I saw LOVE. I laughed at his forced attempts to compliment her. I swooned and fell as Feyre did. I was Feyre. A Court of Wings and Ruin is coming to us soon, and the light of my life, Caitlin, asked if I would join her in rereading ACOTAR and ACOMAF (which I will begin tonight and also write a review for) with her. I was over the moon! Of course, I would. Caitlin brought me to this world of Fae, of love and passion, of feeling. Of PTSD (ACOMAF I cannot wait for you). Of learning to catch the warning signs, of learning what true love was. Caitlin, I would totally go Under the Mountain for you. The very first time I read ACOTAR and ACOMAF, I didn’t review them. I merely went on an emotional rant and left it at that. But this series is so important to me, especially as an abuse survivor, that I felt that when I read it again, I wanted to take notes. I wanted to write about what it made me feel. I wanted to have something real to show myself that I’ve learned. That I have come so far. And also, I wanted to give this series a review/better written rant that it deserved. I don’t do this usually, so I’m going in order from page one until the very last. Going by my notes. I won’t be jumbling things together. So, you’re getting my thoughts as I read the book, not the after thoughts. * The first thing I noticed while jumping back into the world of Prythian was that it was as if I had never read ACOMAF. The emotions were raw. And I spent a lot of it frustrated and angry. I looked at Feyre and saw the girl I used to be, and still sometimes feel that I am. I wanted to defend Feyre, protect her. Because no one else did. And that was something I related to and it broke my heart. I hated Papa Archeron from the get. I could not, as a parent, as a girl who grew up without a father, I could not fathom how selfish this man was. IS (but let that be discussed elsewhere). I noted how in the beginning, Feyre capitalized the F in father, how important this man was/is to her. How he played a role in her dream of marrying off her sisters and living alone with him, taking care of him, and being able to afford some paints. Feyre at the beginning of this book, and to the very end, was me. The girl I had been before I had Dany (my daughter). I continued to internally scream LET FEYRE PAINT. Let the girl live. And I noticed how quickly Feyre let go of the capitalized F once she came home and had to do everything for her father, for her sisters. I have multiple notes that are ONLY “I HATE PAPA ARCHERON”, “I CANNOT STAND HIM”, “WTF SIR”. Cutting wood, cooking, skinning the animals, buying households needs all fell to Feyre and it made me so angry. My heart did make leaps when I read her describe the dresser she shared with Nesta and Elain. Fire for Nesta, flowers for Elain and a night sky for Feyre. I do honestly believe this is foreshadowing to their futures, and I think it’s been discussed in depth what those theories are. For me, Nesta’s fire is not only to whom she’ll love (I cannot wait for ACOMAF to meet you again, you cocky bastard), but to who she is. What she is capable of. I hated Nesta the first time around. I resented her, I projected my resentment of people I know who made me feel the way Nesta made Feyre feel towards her. I mean, Nesta’s voice was Feyre’s inner voice of negativity!! Elain, sweet, sweet Elain. She’s not ignorant. She’s not quiet and docile. She has a green thumb and I do think it foreshadowed what we came to learn in ACOMAF. But I also felt in rereading the story, in regards to the dresser, that Elain would play a role in Feyre’s growth (which she did). And I also think, in the future, Elain is going to play a role in the rebirth of their world post-Hybern. The night sky for Feyre- COME ON. It was there from the start and this time around, I was giddy. Like how did we all miss this! And naturally, my ACOMAF knowing heart recoiled when Feyre is forced to go off into Prythian for killing a Fae male in wolf form (Andras, as we come to learn). “You go somewhere new- and you make a name for yourself.” -Papa Archeron, page 41 When I read this, I immediately thought of ACOMAF. Somewhere new, and the new names Feyre comes to obtain. So naturally, I was happy. Whether or not this is foreshadowing, it is to me. Literally, my notes on this were: VELARIS?????? CURSE-BREAKER???????? Lol honestly, just lol On page 45, Feyre is struggling with feeling smug at the thought of her family struggling without her (a thought I have felt more than I want to admit) and the agony of imagining her father suffering to beg for them. But worse than those things, was imagining what Nesta would do for Elain. This stood out to me because one, as someone who was responsible for others at the expense of myself, I completely understood Feyre. I smiled when she thought about them suffering without her, because I was there before and sometimes, still feel that way. I also knew the guilt she felt, something I still fight with. Her conflicting emotions mirrored mine at various points in my life. And it connected me further to her. And Nesta, well, I’ve come to understand her, too. And I love her. I’m not going to bother mentioning every detail of Tamlin and his poor attempts at making Feyre feel at home. However, I will mention how quickly Feyre went from calling him her captor to her savior (page 51). It made me remember how the person who had abused me had me confused as to what they were to me. And in that moment, I felt that this was what Feyre was dealing with. Tamlin manipulated her from the start. Yes, this is a take on Beauty and the Beast. Yes, the bargain between Tamlin and Feyre is a play on Belle’s bargain and the Beast to save her dad. But Tamlin didn’t become her abuser. From reading this again, he always was. From the moment Tamlin broke into her cottage and brought her to the Spring Court, he was manipulating her. On page 54, Tamlin mentions to Lucien that Feyre lived in a hovel- Yes, he is right. Yes, Feyre thinks he’s being an ass and making her feel bad for where she came from in comparison to his grand estate. But Tamlin knew she could hear him. This, to me, was one of his first attempts to show that he understood her. A way in. Tamlin, when telling Feyre about how he was taking care of her family, used that knowledge to threaten her to keep her from running. He also kept her bound to the chair with magic 😊 Feyre felt trapped. But also wondered if she could finally think for herself. Between the bargain with Tam and the thought of being freed of her family, Feyre is finally able to think about herself. This kind of freedom is scary to someone who has been so selfless and has had to ignore their own happiness and needs for the sakes of others. Feyre is too damn good for all of them, and that is probably the only thing I will ever agree on with her father. “Honestly, I’m impressed- and flattered you think I have that kind of sway with Tamlin.” -Lucien, page 85 I thought this was important because prior to rereading this, I still considered Tamlin and Lucien to be best buds. In this particular scene, Feyre wants to try to get Lucien to plead her case to Tam. So yeah, they’re friends… But Tam is a bad friend. The toxic friend we’ve all had at one point in life who scares us into staying. I’ve had my fair share of Tamlins- both platonic and romantic- and it is very hard to cut them loose. Lucien breaks my heart, and I was shocked reading this line because I thought he did have Tamlin’s ear like that. When Lucien tells her how he ‘got that scar’ (page 88), Feyre asks him if Tamlin was the one to do it. Feyre has seen enough of Tamlin’s “moods” to already imagine he would hurt his friend that way. The guy might not be human, he growls and bares his claws and talons when he’s mad- but human abusers do the same thing in their own way. And I couldn’t stop thinking about that… Not to mention how many years Lucien’s been living with Tam. My poor fox. On page 90, when the Bogge comes to Feyre and Lucien, Feyre tries to think of pleasant things. Hot bread and full bellies (my baby, I know that feel all too well), but the one that got me was “A starry, unclouded night sky, peaceful and glittering and endless”. THAT’S VELARIS. I mean, Come on. I got so excited- my notebook is actually an embarrassment. Now, at this point, I was reading in the car. I lost my pen. I was cramped in the back seat. So I don’t have notes from page 90 to 118. But here, I decided to open my phone and take notes that way. Why? Because Feyre tells Tam that she doesn’t trust him. He quickly gets all jealous and tries to bring up her time spent with Lucien and my baby says LUCIEN DOESN’T PRETEND TO BE ANYTHING BUT WHAT HE IS. Which is the truth. Even fearing Amarantha, Lucien is as open as he can be with Feyre. Yes, he wants her gone in the beginning, but he’s honest. Lucien is an asshole, and I love him. But to the point, Tamlin once again brings out the worst in Feyre’s already poor self-esteem, the way she thinks about herself. And it’s Nesta’s voice she hears in her head. I’m so glad she walked away from him. Lucien gives Feyre the instructions to go after the Suriel. Maybe he wanted her dead, maybe he really overestimated her. Or maybe, I think Lucien saw that Feyre could in fact succeed. I think he came to believe Feyre would break the curse, whereas Tamlin never did. Honestly. But to the point. We finally meet Suri and we get that line “…stay with the High Lord, and live to see everything righted.” Nothing in this line or in the ones prior, indicate the Suriel is speaking of Tamlin. None of it is romantic. So I do think the Suriel meant for her to stay with Tamlin to live long enough to get to where she really needed to be. AT RHYS’ SIDE. IN VELARIS. SAVING THE GODDAMN WORLD. After the business with the Suriel and the naga, Tamlin and Feyre talk it over at dinner. He gets so mad about what she’s done, he ends up cutting his own face. Dude’s reactions are just… I sat there already tired of him. “I’d start shouting, but I think today was punishment enough.” TAMLIN. I swear to God. (Pg. 142, btw) When they discuss her family, and he tells her that her family is foolish for not realizing how amazing she is (my words, not his but that’s the gist of what he’s saying)- he is not lying. But this is also part of his manipulation of her. And maybe, the worst part is, he meant it. The rest of my notes is me basically saying things in bold, most of which is I CANNOT BELIEVE I SHIPPED THIS TRASH. It kills me because they start to joke around with each other. Open up. You start to feel for him as Feyre does. When she laughs, you’re so happy. It’s such a conflicting situation. Feyre mentions her dreams on page 148. A pale, faceless woman with blood red nails splitting her open. I am going to say that this is her dreaming with Amarantha, because of her bond. I didn’t notice it the first time around. Any time a tiny clue about Rhys and the Night Court comes up, I am ecstatic. Even one so morbid as this. Between pages 148 and 183, I didn’t really care about Feyre and Tam getting close. I mean, yes, I love the world she finally can see once he takes the glamour off. And yes, I still was happy to see them all laughing together. Being this very unlikely trio. But what mattered the most to me was her relationship with Lucien. I never shipped them as a romance. But they are my first favorite BROTP of this series. I enjoy their banter. Their sarcasm. I suppose I’ll leave my BROTP goals for them for my ACOMAF review. Is there at Lucien and Feyre tag? On page 183, we have our first example of the actual bond. Feyre feels a string pulling her away from the manor. WE FINALLY MEET OUR FUCKING NIGHT TRIUMPHANT. MY HEART DID LEAPS IN MY CHEST. I WANTED TO SCREAM. “THERE YOU ARE. I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.” YES BABY SO HAVE I. I was looking forward to falling in love with Rhys all over again and this was just the start. Insert fifty heart eyes emojis here. Let me preface this next random bit to say that Calanmai and its celebratory orgy would be cool had it not in essence been Tam’s night to assault some “willing” Fae female because “the magic takes over” and he has “no control”. No honey, that is not hot. It’s not sexy. The fact that Feyre felt like a disobedient child for “going against him” just tossed me back to when I was in an abusive relationship and that was how I felt. It’s not romantic. It’s not cute. Lucien and Tamlin both explain the Rite as assault. Tamlin says he does not need to be held accountable if Feyre won’t follow orders. This is such rapist mentality I seriously wanted to hit myself for ever finding the Fire Night scene between them sexy. And the insane part it, your abuser can still get you hot and heavy. They can play with your senses and it confuses you. This is why reading this again or even just reading ACOMAF after this is scary to see how blind we all were to this. I spent a lot of time in disbelief that I had ever found Tamlin’s treatment of her normal or attractive. It’s disgusting. Another thing about Tamlin that bothered me is that out of all her paintings, he wanted the one of her forest. “This was your life,” is what he says to her. The first time around, I thought this was such a sweet gesture, to want that of all the paintings. But it reminded me a lot of my exes. Wanting the most personal of my belongings for themselves. It just… bothered me. A lot. Lucien and Tam’s explanation of the Night Court just made me laugh. My ACOMAF loving heart just made this so funny because we all know what the Night Court really is about. Feyre is sent to her room after Rhys makes his appearance in the Spring Court. She makes many mentions of Tamlin’s rage. The roaring, the breaking of things. The fact that she didn’t think there would be a dining room left. This is such abusive bullshit. And once upon a time, I thought this behavior was normal. I hate that at this phase, Feyre still thinks herself a coward. Feyre is such a resilient, brave woman. But we’ll get to that. Tamlin fucking didn’t give Feyre a chance to tell him she loved him. Let’s get that out of the way. He was days away from breaking the curse, and he sends her away. And yes, I know this is going off how the Beast let Belle go home even though the curse was close to coming to an end, leaving him like a beast forever. But it still caused me frustration that this High Lord is a coward. And selfish. But then I suppose if not for that, Feyre would never have learned how truly goddamn strong she is. And how absolutely useless he is. She wouldn’t have seen the changes in herself and her sisters, or seen that Alis and Lucien- AND RHYS- had her back. I am so glad in a way that Feyre went back. She got to open up to her sisters. Nesta and Elain did not apologize, but we got to see how they felt. We finally got to see a glimpse of their side of things, which let me tell you, was sorely needed. Nesta stopped being the voice in Feyre’s head that spat nasty things at her. I love that Nesta was immune to Tamlin’s shit. It makes me wonder what kind of future she will have and what role she will play in ACOWAR. I love that her sisters helped her return to Tamlin, even if I can’t stand Tamlin, to save him. To save the world. It showed such a big change in them. The first time around, I thought it was so out of character, so fast. But reading it again, it was perfect. I still hate their dad. This is a lot of my notes during the chapters with Feyre back in the human realm. And now, the most frustrating of all. Under the Mountain. Feyre was willing to die for Tam. She makes note of this before Alis escorts her to the cave. She thinks it often. She ACTS on that thought. And he did nothing. First, let me get Alis and her rules out of the way. 1.Don’t drink the wine: Feyre drinks the wine Rhys gives her. 2.Don’t make deals with anyone unless your life depends on it: her life depended on it and she made a deal with Rhys. 3.Don’t trust a soul: She trusted Lucien and Rhys. Feyre says many times UtM that she stopped hoping for Tam. She trusted herself and her love for him. Not actually him. That really got me good this time around. Feyre got jumped before Tamlin and Amarantha. He didn’t even flinch. Lucien was deathly afraid of Amarantha. This is noted throughout ACOTAR. And yet, he defied her to help Feyre. He fixed her nose. He cried out to her during her trial with the Middengard Worm. He refused to say her name when Amarantha demanded it of him. Foxy boy would have died for her, okay? No one can tell me otherwise. And what did Tamlin do? NADA. Sure, he pleaded on Lucien’s behalf, and whipped him. But what did he really do? NOTHING. Rhys’ way of helping Feyre sucked. But UtM, what else could he have done without killing his people in the process? Without endangering Feyre further? He played his role and played it well. He saved her. Kept her sane. He was an ass, there is no denying it. But he helped her. He fought for her. And I know I’m getting ahead of myself. But we all know who apologized for their behavior. We all know who also LIVED UP TO THEIR APOLOGY. Anyway, it broke my heart that Feyre was afraid of Tamlin’s reaction to her tattoo, the symbol of her bargain with Rhys. She loved him and still was afraid of him. And I felt her pain, because I knew that fear all too well. She was dying and Rhys healed her. He made sure she ate well. He made sure no one touched her. No more insufferable chores. I don’t even want to imagine what Amarantha did to him for helping Feyre. I know this has been touched upon before, but do you know how much I love that Feyre stood practically naked before Amarantha but wore a crown on her head. She wore Rhys’ diadem, not even knowing what it meant. But Amarantha did. I love that Rhys bet on her. I love that he believed she would survive, just like Lucien did. He was bold in his help for her, in the best way he could, without revealing the true Rhysand to the world. Without endangering the City of Starlight and his loved ones. Lucien tells Feyre that Rhys having her dressed that way is to get a rise out of Tam. And Feyre asks if it worked. And it doesn’t work. Tamlin doesn’t act. Doesn’t react. And when he says that Tamlin is hiding his emotions from Amarantha, honestly, I don’t even think he believes that. Here is Lucien, sneaking in to bring her a cloak to stay warm. Such a small gesture, but still more than Tamlin does for her. Rhys comes to pay her a visit and starts to open up to her. Feyre feels his sadness. Another clue to their bond. I DIED. I had not noticed that the first time around! He also used their bond to help her survive the second trial, saving her and Lucien in the process. He guided her out of the room, helping her to stay strong until she got to her room. Rhys kept her together. Tam did nothing. I could say that thousands of times and I don’t think I could get tired of saying it. On page 370, she says the third trial will kill her. I laughed. Bitch, it did. On 373, she hears music. Even the first time I read this, I knew this music was not from anywhere we had been yet in the story. I didn’t understand, but it was so special. So important in bringing her back. It brought her to “...a palace in the sky, a hall of alabaster and moonstone, where all that was lovely and kind and fantastic dwelled in peace.” Then she says “Everything I wanted was there- the one I loved was there-“ Yes, the one I love is there too, babe. This was not the Spring Court. This is not Tamlin. This is the Night Court, the Inner Circle. This is Rhys and Feyre. And she didn’t know it. Then of course, we come to the night before her final trial. Tamlin finally gets some courage to approach her. To fuck. If I sighed any longer, my lungs will collapse. My eyes will roll out of my head. I can’t. I just can’t with this guy. From 381-385, Rhys and Feyre talk. She finds herself opening up to him, unable to stay quiet. She comes alive around him. And I think he came alive around her, too. So at last, the final trial. This was so emotionally taxing. So heart breaking. This task was abhorrent, and Amarantha is a fucking devil. And Feyre did it. She did it for Tamlin and his world. For Lucien. Alis and her boys. For her own world. As much as I can’t stand Tamlin, it still shocked me when he was revealed as the last Fae for Feyre to kill. Realizing the truth of the curse was so mind boggling. He had a heart of stone. This curse was so well done, it surprised me so much. I remembered laughing at the masks and then realizing why they were necessary. Feyre fulfilled every need to end that curse and Tamlin fucking let her go before she could say she loved him. And when she realized what the riddle meant, repeating it backwards to herself. Oh my god. I was left speechless. Just like the first time. And naturally, Amarantha was never going to let Feyre live. Tamlin watched while Rhys still kept fighting no matter what Amarantha did to him. Yes, Tam was hurt. But so was Rhys. When Feyre dies, and we see her through Rhys’ eyes, it was just… I couldn’t deal. I remember the first time around how wild this was, and I had to read it twice to understand that Rhys was part of her. She says that Tamlin looked at her, “at us”, meaning there was a piece of her in Rhys, too. It was just… too much. Feyre came back because Rhys moved the High Lords to save her. And she still felt undeserving. She is so amazing. So brave. So loyal. She deserves every good thing in the world. And on page 412, Rhys realizes that she’s his mate. INTERNAL SCREAMING. You know, after she follows the string that tethers them together. And then she goes home with Tamlin, still shoving all her pain down. And it’s like WHY BABE WHY. I didn’t second guess it the first time. But this time, I couldn’t ignore every time she mentioned dealing with it another time. My heart broke for her. * Reading this again was hard. And I honestly can’t wait to jump into ACOMAF. Feyre’s journey isn’t over, just like mine isn’t over either. I know this wasn’t the best review, but I’m glad I wrote this out. This series means the world to me. I know this wasn't the greatest and it looks nothing like how I wrote from my laptop to mobile Tumblr but. Whatever. It's out there. I feel better.

#ACOTAR #review #ACOTAR spoilers #acomaf #sjmaas #book review #writing #rant #feysand

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