#but i can churn out fan art like butter. why and how

[escapaldi]

Besides, sometimes "trashy media" can be truly impressive feats.

A great example of this was the weekday soap opera. Yeah they're filled with overinflated drama and flimsy premises and a rotating cast of characters except for those like Susan Lucci that can spin so fast you get whiplash and such an ignorance for their own canon it's delightful and would make Doctor Who fans weep. They've been mostly supplanted by reality shows where cameras just follow people around (Kardashians or Real Housewives), but soap operas? A whole other level in of itself.

Completely scripted, rehearsed, filmed, edited, the whole shebang, at a pace where you had four or five episodes every week for most of the year. You can't even script a storyline on a TLC show for more than a few months, and those are generally weekly. Hell, the plots they began churning out way back in the day when they were "soap operas" because they were literally sponsored by soap companies were juggernauts in changing how people talked about their blorbos: constantly and like old friends/neighbors.

In weekday soap operas, you can see the bad takes, the "close enough" takes, the genuine surprise or confusion on an actor before they got their bearings, the ones who were so used to the act it rolled off like melted butter, when someone clearly had a late night before filming... eight-to-twelve episode "prestige TV" could never even DREAM of being this slapped-together and still keep people coming back for more. Absolutely true titans of the entertainment industry. I would hate sitting through a season of General Hospital, but by God Almighty do I respect their fucking hustle as a work of art and I wouldn't fault anyone for enjoying them in earnest.

...and yet they still remain the butt of jokes today. Why? Because people can't see the good in it. Which is frankly on them.

Life's too short--go unrepentantly enjoy your stories like our forebears before us.

Instead of apologizing for liking "trashy" media, consider: what is it doing well? If you like it, if it's making you feel pleasure and interest, then it must be succeeding at something. Is it shaping a set of emotional beats that you find satisfying to watch play out? Did it craft a character you find really compelling? Is something in the styling and aesthetics speaking to you? Did it unexpectedly resonate with a mood or experience you needed to see reflected right then?

However shallow or flawed a piece of media is, if you like it, it's because of something it did well - at least well enough to affect you, on the day that you encountered it.

There are a lot of good reasons to acknowledge this. One is about gratitude and manners: someone worked hard on that thing, and if they provided something that gave you happiness and pleasure, it's nice to honor that. Another is about breaking down the insidious habit of sorting everything into simple good/bad boxes. A piece of media, like a person, can do a lot of things wrong and a lot of things right, and the things on one side do not magically erase the other.

But the most important reason, I believe, is to get in the habit of celebrating what brings you pleasure and happiness. All your life there have been and there will be people telling you that you find joy in the wrong things, that if a particular thing makes you feel good it shows that there's something wrong with you. I reject that utterly. If a particular thing makes you feel good then there's something right, about you and about that thing. I'm not saying that pleasure is the only important thing or that every pleasure should be indulged indiscriminately. All I'm saying is that pleasure is in and of itself a good thing, and deserves notice.

[emieclat]

i don’t think i’ve ever drawn all the dagger members, let alone all of them together (adelina and violetta excluded because i’m drawing them later!)

[culturejunkies]

The Best Reads of 2019

By Kenshiro

The end of 2019 is here, and I’ve been up to my neck in back issues of comic books.  There’s been SO MUCH i have been wanting to read, that it seems almost impossible to keep up with them all.  But i’m almost caught up to the weekly releases and maybe next year I’ll finally be ready to keep pace with the rest of you with a regular pull list of items to read and recommend to you.

But lets look back right now on the year that was.  It was an especially big year for DC Comics who seemingly dominated this readers mind with the amount of quality stories they’ve been putting out across the line with the excellent Doomsday Clock maxi-series, the Year of The Villain story line coming out of Justice League and of course Tom King’s character-defining Batman run which ended in December.  I’d also be doing you a disservice in not mentioning some of their excellent Elseworlds and Black Label books too.  Of course 2019 also saw the surprise ending of The Walking Dead comic book, and the end of Jason Aaron’s epic run on Thor for Marvel.  But let me go a head and run down what I liked and why this year.

Each book series is rated on a scale of 1 to 5 stars.  Average score rating is based on issues individual rating.

The Immortal Hulk

Probably the most unconventionally popular monthly Marvel book currently out right now, The Immortal Hulk has completely rewritten the rules on how we understand The Hulk, Bruce Banner’s multiple personality disorder and how to weave a story based purely on grotesque, ghoulish superpowered horror.  The book launched in 2018 returning the Hulk to life after being killed by Hawkeye a few years back, but turns out that Bruce Banner was never really dead and according to the story that head writer Al Ewing has been telling, he CAN’T die.  Instead, every day when at dusk, Bruce transforms into a Hulk persona that is as strong as he is ruthless to his enemies, mercilessly dishing out destruction on all those around him who get in his way, or his agenda. Hulk is on the run from adversaries like Alpha Flight and General Fortean, and eventually joined by an African American woman reporter named Jackie McGee. (clearly a reference to the classic 70s Incredible Hulk TV show character Jack McGee) The story is never short on surprises, and eerily captivating art supplied by Joe Bennett. If you aren’t already reading it, you should pick up the first couple of trades ASAP and add it to your pull-list if you’re into gory violence and dark storytelling.  Average Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Art like this is a regular occurrence in the pages of The Immortal Hulk

Spider-Man: Life Story

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Mark Bagley draws Spider-Man.  I mean the guy is only the longest tenured artist the Web-slinger has ever had, so the pairing goes over like Peanut Butter & Jelly.  However, writer Chip Zdarsky (Sex Criminals) joins him in a tale of Spider-Man done in real-time over the course of 6 decades.  Each issue taking place in every decade that Spider-Man has existed starting in the 1960s and ending in the 2010s with Spider-Man as a nearly 80 year old man.  We see Peter living his life and decisions and all of the repercussions that come from them without being reset by a retcon.  We see him get married, divorced, cloned, become a father, face being an outlaw from governmental law and more.  Its one of the better Spider-Man tales in recent years, and worth picking up as a trade.  Average Rating: 4.2 out of 5

Harleen

DC’s Black Label is the mature comic line featuring your favorite DC characters, but you can be forgiven if you want to accuse DC of using it as an excuse to publish even more Batman or Batman-related stories given what they’ve got on their slate upcoming.  Sure, there’s the occasional story like Superman: Year One, but looking at the upcoming stories, they’re almost all based on the characters from Gotham City.  But even if that’s an annoying gripe for me, I must say that one of the more enjoyable reads has been Harleen which was produced by dual-threat artist/writer Stjepan Šejić.

The art is absolutely lovely, but even more gripping is the tale of Harley’s origin done in long-form.  Here we see what makes her tick, how she deals with the growing madness around her as well as inside her mind as she falls into the Joker’s thrall.  If you’re a fan of Harley Quinn at all, its certainly worth a read, even if you’re familiar with her origin story.  Average Rating: 4 out of 5

Prodigy

Mark Millar’s Millarworld is soon going to be churning out live action stuff for its new owner, Netflix.  The first comic with actual ties to the live action version is going to be this book, Prodigy.  Prodigy is about the most intelligent man on Earth, a man who seemingly can do anything within the realm of human possibility and he just happens to be an African-American.  Its not a pandering ploy, since he’s a brand new character, but I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to have someone who looks like me, be the one who has the world at his fingertips, who is idolized and held up as an example of the pinnacle of human achievement.  The story itself was somewhat predictable, but the manner in which the character Dr. Edison Crane is written is worth the price of admission if only because he’s something rarely seen in the history of comics: perfection in the form of the black male. Average Rating: 3.6 out of 5

House of X/Powers of X

In a year that saw Marvel finally reacquire the X-Men properties, we got the best year of X-Men related books this year, none better than the franchise altering mini-series by Jonathan Hickman. The revelations set in motion in this series radically alters the playing field for Mutankind in the Marvel Universe, fully emancipating them from a world that has continually kicked them just for simply existing.  Hickman’s Avengers run was very fondly remembered by some, but did get a bit heady for some more casual readers.  Hickman did an even better job keeping things paced here, even though he went back to the well with some of his favorite plot devices (alternate universes and time jumping). If you’re a fan of X-Men in any capacity, I’d definitely put it in my must-read column. Honestly, the reset of the universe done by sending the young X-Men back in Extermination, almost superceded this one, but the sheer coolness factor of it all had me switch it up.  Read em both if you have a chance. Average Rating: Powers of X – 3.6 House of X – 4.5 out of 5

Doomsday Clock

Honestly, this shouldn’t be too surprising.  Despite having a hellish release schedule, this story was one of the better ones released by DC this year in a year that also included Tom King’s Batman run, and the Scott Snyder-led Justice League opus Justice League/Doom War.   The final 6 issues of Doomsday Clock  were supposed to seamlesslytie into a lot of the things that were happening with the aforementioned Doom War, so some of the more….radical elements of what happened lacked bite at the end, but it was a satisfying mixing of Watchmen and the DC Universe proper.  There are some instances within where it seems writer Geoff Johns, who is one of my favorite comic writers of the last decade and a half, given his importance within DC Comics itself, is trying to have his cake and eat it too.  He has pretty much established every single iteration of the DC Universe, Golden Age, Silver Age, Post-Crisis(Pre-Flashpoint), New 52, Rebirth, ALL EXIST, but the end result, re-positioning Superman as the center of the DC Multiverse, is very welcome for me as a Superman fan.  The maxi-series release schedule may have made it a chore to wait for since it came out sometimes 3 months between issues, but as a trade it will make for a thrilling read.  Average Rating: 4.1 out of 5

What were your favorite reads from 2019? Share them with me below and lets discuss!

[buzzdixonwriter]

Hoo Noo Shmoo?

Never let it be said that this blog is flagging in its enthusiasm for flogging horses so dead they’re found in the glue bin at Office Max.

To whit, the Scorsese vs MCU brouhaha.

Bottom line: Scorsese is right.  As well made as MCU movies are, they ain’t cinema, they’re glorified commercials to sell MCU product.

Full disclosure: I should know, since I wrote for G.I. Joe, Transformers, and a host of other toy-based syndicated animation shows.  I’m happy with the work I did, I can point proudly to specific episodes I wrote that aspire to be more than mere half-hour commercials…

…but they ain’t art.

They ain’t art, despite our aspirations to do the best job we could, because ultimately we creators were not allowed to create what we felt best for our stories, but what Hasbro deemed vital to their sales.

(The closest we got to art was when Hasbro cancelled The Inhumanoids toy line in mid-production of the TV series, and said we could finish our broadcast commitment however we saw fit so long as it didn’t result in an FCC complaint.  As a result, we went nuts.)

My Hasbro / Sunbow experience remains a highpoint of my creative life, so I’m not denigrating the talent, skill, ability, spirit, and enthusiasm of those making MCU movies.

…but they ain’t art.

Now, those who love MCU movies think Scorsese’s comments are a slam against them.

Welllll…no, not directly.

But they do underscore how popularity -- especially of media designed to push product -- is a faulty measuring stick for artistic merit.

Case in point: The Shmoo.

Wuzza shmoo, you ask (and thus proving my point)?

Shmoos were extremely popular in the late 1940s.  Part of the wonderfully wacky world cartoonist Al Capp created for his hit Li’l Abner comic strip, shmoos represented a parable on American consumerism, modern day geese laying not mere golden eggs but birthday cakes with candles a’blazin’.

As Capp described them:

They reproduce asexually and are incredibly prolific, multiplying faster than rabbits. They require no sustenance other than air.

Shmoos are delicious to eat, and are eager to be eaten. If a human looks at one hungrily, it will happily immolate itself -- either by jumping into a frying pan, after which they taste like chicken, or into a broiling pan, after which they taste like steak. When roasted they taste like pork, and when baked they taste like catfish. Raw, they taste like oysters on the half-shell.

They also produce eggs (neatly packaged), milk (bottled, grade-A), and butter -- no churning required. Their pelts make perfect boot leather or house timbers, depending on how thick one slices them.

They have no bones, so there's absolutely no waste. Their eyes make the best suspender buttons, and their whiskers make perfect toothpicks. In short, they are simply the perfect ideal of a subsistence agricultural herd animal.

Naturally gentle, they require minimal care and are ideal playmates for young children. The frolicking of shmoos is so entertaining (such as their staged "shmoosical comedies") that people no longer feel the need to watch television or go to the movies.

Some of the more tasty varieties of shmoo are more difficult to catch, however. Usually shmoo hunters, now a sport in some parts of the country, use a paper bag, flashlight, and stick to capture their shmoos. At night the light stuns them, then they may be whacked in the head with the stick and put in the bag for frying up later on.

Of course, in the original strip continuity, the shmoos were quickly eradicated, driven to extinction by food packagers who feared bankruptcy.

It was a sharp, biting message, and one that looked critically at both insatiable consumerism and capitalism’s claims of superiority.

Capp, of course, was too savvy a marketeer himself to eliminate the shmoos entirely, and so he provided for one breeding pair to survive…and for the shmoos to make repeated appearances for the rest of Li’l Abner’s run.

Shmoo mania ran rampant with shmoo dolls, shmoo clocks, shmoo games, shmoo candy, shmoo snacks, and shmoo apparel.  

The money truck basically backed up to Capp’s front door and dumped its load on his porch.  Shmoos proved insanely popular and it seemed the mania would never end…

…except it did.

To mangle metaphors, you can only take so many trips to the same well before your audience starts asking “What?  Beans again?”

And then, in a fickle flash, it’s over.

I’d be hard pressed today to find anyone younger than the boomer cohort who ever heard of Al Capp or Li’l Abner unless their school or community theatre presented the Broadway musical adaptation of the strip (the show remains popular with amateur theatrical troupes such as high schools and colleges because the huge cast of Dogpatch citizens guarantees everybody who tries out for the show will land some part in it).

For all their popularity and merchandise and media impact -- songs on the radio, big spreads in weekly news magazines -- the shmoos left virtually no cultural footprint.

(Full disclosure yet again: I wrote for a Scooby-doo knock-off by Hanna-Barbera called The New Shmoo and it was a piece of crap, abandoning the whole consumerism point of the original shmoos and making them -- or just “it” in our case -- a pseudo-funny dog sidekick for a squad of mystery solving kids.  And it wasn’t a piece of crap because we didn’t try our best, it was a piece of crap because the shmoo was treated as ubiquitous “product” under the misconception that of course everybody younger than Joe Barbera would recognize the name and love the character so deeply that they’d simultaneously develop amnesia about what made the original character so appealing.)

Product.

That’s what one of the most brilliant, most poignant, most spot-on commentaries on rampant consumerism and ruthless capitalism ironically reduced down to.  Product.

There’s a line in Jurassic Park that resonates here:  ”Life will find a way.”

Let’s paraphrase that to “Art will find a way” because like life, art is an expression of the creative urge.

Right now, by and large, it’s trapped in the giant all encompassing condom of corporate consumerism, providing fun and pleasure and excitement, but not really creating anything new, to be wadded up and thrown away when the suits are done screwing us.

But every now and then there’s a tiny pinprick in the sheath, and when that happens there’s the chance of something wonderful, something meaningful, something of lasting value emerging.

It is possible for art to emerge from a corporate context, but only if the corporate intent is to produce a work of art for its own purposes.   Michelangelo carved David as a work for hire, the local doge commissioning the sculpture because he wanted to impress peers and peasants by donating the biggest statue ever made by the hottest artist of the era (and even then Michelangelo needed to resort to subterfuge to keep the doge from “improving” on his work with “suggestions” [read “commands”].)

The very first Rocky movie was a work of art because the producers focused on telling a simple, singular story about a loser who could only win by going the distance, not by defeating his opponent but by refusing to be beaten by him.

It’s a great cinematic moment that rings true and it’s going to last forever…unlike sequels Rocky II - V where Rocky fights supervillains like Mr. T and a robot (hey, that was the movie playing in my head when I watched Rocky IV and it was a helluva lot more entertaining than what I actually saw onscreen).

The suits castrated Rocky, reducing him from a unique universal cultural touchstone down to…well…product.

The MCU movies are product; rather, they are two-hour+ commercials to sell product in the form of videogames, action figures, T-shirts, and Underoos.

The real art occurred almost 60 years ago when Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko knocked out page after page as fast as they could, drawing deep from the wellsprings of their own interests, experiences, and passions.

(“What about Stan?” I hear you ask.  Look, we all love Stan, but truth be told his great contribution to the MCU came in his service as drum major for the Merry Marvel marching Society.  God bless him for firing up the fan base’s enthusiasm for the Marvel bullpen’s work, but compare what his artists did before and after their collaboration with him to what he did before and after his editorial tenure at Marvel and it’s clear upon whose shoulders the muses rested.)

As much fun as MCU movies are (I’ve seen about 1/3 of ‘em and enjoyed most of what I saw), I also recognize in them the harm they do.

They are promoted heavily to sell product to raise the fortunes of one of the biggest corporations on the planet, a corporation that holds control over five of the largest, most popular entertainment brands on the market.

To protect their cash cows, Disney chokes potential rivals in their cribs.

Think there’s going to be another Alien or Predator movie now that Disney owns them and Star Wars?  Why create rivals to a mega-successful property you already own?  (I will be genuinely surprised if we see another Guardians Of The Galaxy movie in light of the faltering popularity of Star Wars in Disney’s eyes; they’re going to want to shore up their billion dollar investment rather than call it a day and let some upstart -- even an upstart they own 100% -- rob them of revenue.)

Disney’s battle plan to choke out all potential rivals leaves no room in the DEU (Disney Expanded Universe) for independent minded creators.

They want competent hired pens who can churn out the product they desire in order to bolster sales of other products derived from those.

(Even more full disclosure:  I wrote for Chip ‘n’ Dale’s Rescue Rangers as well as some Aladdin and Scrooge McDuck comic book stories.)

Disney’s MCU, for all its expertly executed whiz-bang, is a bloated, soulless zombie, a giant gaudy inflated parade balloon blocking the vision of others.

There’s a scene in the movie The Founder -- a genuine cinematic work of art that comments ironically on the selling of a product --  that applies here.

Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) relentlessly browbeats the McDonald brothers (Nick Offerman and John Carroll Lynch) into letting him replace their real milkshakes with what will come to be known as the McShake, an ersatz product that at best reminds one of what a real milkshake should taste like.

The McDonald Brothers are horrified.  Not only does it not taste like a real milkshake, but it goes against the very grain of what they desire as restauranteurs:  To provide quality food quickly for their customers, trading value for value.

Kroc will have none of this.  To him the customers are simply one more obstacle between him and their money.

He doesn’t see them as the source of his revenue, but as impediments to same.

What benefits them, what nurtures their diets, what gives them pleasure, what trades value for value is completely unimportant to him.

They exist only to make him rich and powerful.

By the end of the film, Kroc has effectively declared war on his own partners, his own employees, his own customers.  He recognizes he is not in the business his customers and employees and partners think he’s in (i.e., fast food) but rather in the real estate business, buying land that McDonald’s franchises must lease from him in order to operate.

By the end, he’s not concerned with how well his customers eat, or how well his employees are treated, or how financially secure his franchise managers feel.

By the end, all he wants is the money, and he doesn’t care how his franchises make it so long as they pass it along to him.

As a result, McDonald’s contributes heavily to America’s obesity and diabetes epidemics, advising their employees to take second jobs so they can afford to continue working for them at substandard wages.

Disney’s MCU is a super-sized Happy Meal™ that’s ruining the cultural health of its consumers.

   © Buzz Dixon

[parf-fan]

Followup: Blackfryars!

Mount Hope, I’m begging you.  👏 Hire 👏 a 👏 copy 👏 editor. 👏

As always, visit the Faire’s website for headshots

Estelle Angrist :  Millicent Goodnestone – Apprentice Stone-Carver 

Inside every stone is a piece of art, so says Millicent. All you need to do is listen to the rock and take away the unnecessary pieces. Now, the artistry comes in the patience with which one removes the extra bits of stone. Patience, hammer, chisel, and a light touch are all that are required. Otherwise, a good piece of stone can become a dust pile very quickly. Thank goodness today is a festival day, because Millicent has been sweeping piles of dust for a while.

Alessandra Appiotti :  Bernadette Albright – Matchmaker 

The shire is being visited by the World’s most famous Bachelorette: Queen Elizabeth! If Bernadette can find the one for Queen Elizabeth, she will go from rising star to full-on supernova! She’d better get started lining up eligible bachelors! Or Bachelorettes! She hasn’t met Her Majesty yet, so who is she to judge her tastes?

Andréa Barton :  Lady Blanche Parry – Lady in Waiting 

This devoted Lady has served the Queen from the time our monarch was in nappies! They are boon companions, sharing court life and all its intrigue and frivolity. While she may look like the marzipan on the cake, her skilled organization of the Queen’s library and fondness for a good jest keeps her wit sharp enough to cut like a knife. Just ask the fool that attempts to play with her heart strings or guitar strings!

Kristin Bauer :  Frances Newton, Lady Cobham – Lady in Waiting

Lady Cobham is thrilled to be on progress with the Queen. After all, this busy mother needs some time with the Ladies. With her soft nature and quick smile, she can often times be found with the children of the Shire, telling stories, rhymes, riddles, and playing games. Her sense of mirth does not leave her without a streak of mischief, as she does love to put her finger in the pot, give it a stir, and see what happens! Naughty or Nice? You be the judge!

Lauralette Bernard :  Tolly Muneford – Harbor Master 

Nothing comes in or out of the shores of Mount Hope that Tolly doesn’t know about. Her web of knowledge reaches far and wide, and she does it all in the service of the Shire. If only she wasn’t so keen on sharing all this knowledge with literally everyone, she might be able to use it for personal gain.

Jennifer Blackwell-Yale :  Emily O. Bales – Fire Brigade 

It has been 15 years since a monarch last visited the Shire of Mount Hope. Coincidentally, it has also been 15 years since the last fire in the shire of Mount Hope. Emily is always ready for action, but no one is quite sure she would know exactly what to do should action arise. When in doubt: stop, drop, roll, and have some wine. It seemed to work out just fine for the Old Dun Cow!

Karen Rose Bitzer :  Rosie DuLait – Milkmaid 

This milkmaid typically spends her day milking the cows and goats on the farm; carefully churning the butter; separating the curds from the whey; making the precious cheese to sell at market; all the time, singing and talking to her fine, generous, milk-laden friends! Is it any wonder that Rosie’s dairy products are highly sought for their sweet, creamy nature? It is even said that her happy cows seem to prance in the fields, as if dancing to a jig. Is that even possible? With Rosie, one never knows! Today she was up early: the Queen is expected and she wants to offer the sweetest cream and the finest butter to lay upon the Queen’s table.

Tabitha Borges :  Abigail Montgomery – Governess to the Lady Mayor 

Abigail has always had a way with children, and has taken care of all the Lady Mayor’s progeny, which means she is quite resilient! Of the many duties, trials, and tribulations the Penburthys have put her through, her favorite activity is still telling stories, and she is a masterful storyteller. Now that the Penburthy children, Calvin, Penelope, and Danforth, have all grown up, she is experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome far more than Delores is!

Elizabeth Burkholder :  Paraffin Dyson – Bellows-Mender

Paraffin is a fan. She is a fan of fans. Her bellows will blow you away, that’s how big of a fan she is. Sometimes she can be a bit of a blowhard, but usually she can play it cool. And yet, even the coolest of bellows-menders may have a difficult time not having a meltdown with our Queen on the Shire. Time will tell if Paraffin maintains her composure or has a blowout, but one thing is for sure; she will certainly enjoy this festival day!

Jasmine Crist :  Mary Robin Richland – Shire Ne'er-Do-Well 

Every shire has one, ours is Mary Robin! While good-natured and always seen with a smile, it is known that one must keep a hand on your purse and an eye on your goods, for you may come up short when the back side of Mary Robin you see! Slight of hand, quick of feet, and always with a jest to share, it is her good nature and sharp wit that keeps her just on this side of the law, for now! It has been heard that she has high aspirations, but for what? Ask her, she may or may not share!

Ashley Crowther :  Ira Roth – Actuary 

Everyone’s heard of mad scientists, but a mad actuary? That’s much rarer. If you stare at numbers all day long, apparently they start staring back. Eventually, everything starts to look like a ledger, and you can see the numbers everywhere. Sure... that adds up...

Josh Dorsheimer :  Jakob Werner – Landsknecht

Professional mercenaries fight the wars of the Kings of Europe. Professionals like Jakob. He does his level best to never think about any of that, though! He would rather spend his time gallivanting around town, spending his hard-won gold on drink, friends, and frivolity. The oldest of the family, Jakob is sometimes mistaken as the decision-maker of the clan. While he won’t outright deny this, the three siblings all know who really calls the shots: their baby sister!

Elisia Freeman :  Agnes Lambourne – Apple-Monger 

Apple cider, apple butter, apple sausage, apple crisp, apple cake.... Just ask this happy-go-lucky lady what you can do with all those apples, and she will tell you! Be prepared, her list is LONG! Apple juggling, apple carving, apple tossing, apple dicing, apple bocci. Do not be fooled, she knows that man does not live by apples alone; everyone knows you need a little cinnamon and a lot of laughter!

Corey Graff :  Wagner Werner – Landsknecht

Wagner travels all over Europe fighting battles with his brother and sister for one reason: he loves them both dearly. Honestly though, he would much rather be laying down in a meadow watching butterflies. Sometimes suffering from middle child syndrome, Wagner’s gadabout ways certainly make life interesting for all the Werner siblings.

Steve Hager :  Rip Skeleton – Gravedigger 

There are two things certain in this world: Death, and Taxes – and Rip ain’t no accountant. Its always nice to have a friendly face build your final resting place.

Jeremiah Halteman :  Ronald P. Eversmeyer – Yeoman Guard 

They say history is written by the victors. Ronald has every intention of ensuring that our good Queen’s name goes down in the history of the world as the greatest victor of them all! He is always prepared to put himself between Her Majesty and danger, wherever it comes from, in whatever form it takes, and at any personal sacrifice! His extensive training in the art of personal security has rendered him one of the elite of the yeoman guard; as long as Her Majesty is not attacked from the air. Unfortunately, Ronald has a fear of butterflies. Something about the wings just throw off his rhythm, but no worries....butterflies in Mount Hope? Never!!

Jonathan Heise :  Sir John Giffard of Chillington, Minister of Parliament, Knight – Nobleman 

This Minister of Parliament felt it his duty to be present during the Queen’s progress at Mount Hope. Concerned that perhaps this tiny village would not be up to the task of hosting our Queen, he would be quick to move the festivities to Chillington. Upon arrival he realized his foolish mistake; never had he seen such a shire, and thought perhaps ‘twas time to move Chillington to Mount Hope! However, for now, why not enjoy the festivities?

Brianna E. Holmes :  Mary Hill, Lady Cheke – Lady in Waiting 

This gentlewoman of the Privy Chamber is well loved by all. Her husband, John Cheke, a gentleman of the court, encourages her in her service of the Queen. The Queen has blessed them often with gifts, grants, and an estate or two. Even at this show of opulence, Lady Cheke takes it all in stride. She finds joy in the simple things in life; her children, her rose garden, and her love of arachnids. Their homes, their legs, and loving little eyes; can you ever have enough? I think NOT says Lady Cheke.

Anastasia Keno :  Louise Weaver – Shepherdess

A diligent if mischievous shepherdess, Louise has a passion for all things fluffy! Why should sheep be the only animals allowed to graze free? Let the cats graze free! Let the puppies graze free! Let the mice graze free! Free the animals! Sorry... she can be very passionate.

Jennifer Litzinger :  Cherie Piquant – Spice Merchant 

If the first pinch of salt is free, be prepared to pay dearly for everything else. A shrewd business woman, do not let Cherie’s smile fool you. She was born to barter, and barter she will! Well-known on the shire as the woman who can get what you need, do not be afraid to ask; as long as its cinnamon, cloves, turmeric, or cardamom, by day’s end, it will be in your kitchen. Ask for a song, and you could be in for a treat.

Dana Micciché :  Katherine Champernowne, Lady Kat Ashley – Lady in Waiting

Appointed governess, tutor, friend, and confidante, Lady Kat Ashley ensured that her Queen had all the necessary tools to rule England. Well versed in astronomy, geography, history, Latin, Spanish, Italian, and Flemish, this unassuming woman is also trained in the art of swordsmanship, axe-throwing, archery, and caber tossing! Think you know a little about a lot? Lady Kat knew it first!

Traci Mohl :  Olivia Charnwood – Huntress 

The family tradition of hunting and tracking lives on in the guise of Olivia. Like her mother and grandmother before her, ear to ground, sniffing the air; hunting prey is in her blood. Mount Hope’s finest archer, Olivia never fails to bring home the meat – just don’t ask her to cook it!! On this festival day, she plans on showing off her tracking skills by sniffing out a merry time!

Beverly Newton :  Charlotte Seaswift – Shipwright

This buoyant aquatic engineer helps keep the Harbor of Mount Hope afloat. An eye for design and a passion for innovation drive Charlotte. She knows that the fine line between sink and swim is just a patch away, and she is always ready to keep things floating on.

Jared Nocella :  Miles I. Gore – Professional Henchman 

Some people are natural born leaders. Miles is not one of those people. Miles is a natural born lackey, and he’s the best there is at being second fiddle. Always down for doing the dirty work, and he does it dirt cheap! Miles is a sidekick with a smile and has a flare for following.

Alexandra Pentz :  Dorte Werner – Kampfrau 

The youngest of the Werner siblings, but make no mistake: she is the one that keeps the family together. From designing the boys’ clothes, managing the family finances, and fighting her share of battles, she is as clever as she is dangerous. And after all that, she still has the ability to be the most mischievous of the three!

Lianna Pike :  Rosalind Anne Uxbridge – Gardener 

Rosalind has had her hands deep in dirt, up to her elbows, preparing for the Royal visit. The gardens must be perfect! Simple details like stone placement can be so critical, yet every time she plants, those chipmunks and rabbits have a feast . That is why Rosalind has a bed in all of her garden plots. She sleeps in a different flower bed each night. Thank goodness the festival is finally here, she can finally get out of the beds and enjoy the beauty of her work with the rest of the shirefolk.

Nicolas Rainville :  Grayson Thomas Hemplewhite – Squire to the Master of Horse, Sir Robert Dudley 

What an honor to serve the horse that carries the saddle that seats the man who serves the Queen so closely! To say that Hemplewhite is a hard worker is putting it mildly. His work is never done. Clean the tack, muck the stall, check the hooves; not to mention ensuring that Tinker, the horse, is always sweet-smelling for his Master to ride. But today is a festival day. Tinker smells sweet, now its time for Hemplewhite to have a bit of merriment.

Jessica Reesor :  Holly Teacake – Baker 

Everyone likes sweets at a festival, and Holly has made sure the shire is stocked with confections to please any palate. Fruity, chocolatey, savory – whatever your taste, Holly has you covered! An obsessive planner, Holly loves the order of a recipe. It is a mathematical equation for pleasing people. If only everything else was that simple!

Laura Reesor :  Pearl Topstitch – Tailor 

A visionary designer with an eye for style. Never satisfied with the same-old same-old; when something works once, she’s done with it! Her appetite for new and exotic is matched only by her skill. She can look at a piece of fabric and see the hidden...pearl...of genius within. Now it is time to show off her skills to the Queen.

James Riley :  Adam Cringer – Yeoman Guard 

A newly-minted member of the Yeoman Guard following in the footsteps of his grandfather and father before him. Legend of Adam’s monster-hunting exploits have already preceded him. Now it is time to see if the man can match the Legend.

Victoria Sangston :  Dorothea Anne Heartley – Etiquette Mistress 

Today is a big day for the shire of Mount Hope, and the Lady Mayor has tasked Mistress Heartley with making sure everyone puts their best foot forward. Of course, is that the right foot or the other right foot? Joyfully surveying the shirefolk, she knows everyone will be on their best, smiling, bowing, hat tipping, formal greeting behavior – or else!

Michael Sheffield :  John Dee – Royal Astrologer

A good ruler has good advisors. Time will tell what kind of advisor John Dee will be. He says he talks to angels. Perhaps he does. Perhaps he’s just a brilliant con man. One thing is for sure – eccentric only scratches the surface of describing this stargazing man.

Jessie Smith :  Polly Lynne Pickering – Apprentice Rag-picker

Polly Lynne has been following in her mum’s footsteps for as long as she can remember. Mum does have a keen eye for bits and pieces, but Polly Lynne is impatient! When she is THE Rag-Picker, she will be much more efficient! Would anyone REALLY notice if a bit was snipped off a gown here and there? Bushes and scissors are a picker’s best friend. She has heard of the fine fabrics worn by the Nobles of the court and is hoping to snip.... errrr....snag a piece or two of those fabrics for herself!

Mary Smith :  Penelope Ann Pickering – Rag-picker 

Some call it rag-picking, but Penelope prefers to call it fabric repurposing opportunities. Opportunities abound in the shire of Mount Hope, all you have to do is look around! And look she does!! With a keen eye for bits of fabric, lace, gossip, and good will, she has a kind word for everyone and perhaps a bit of scrap for those in need; and, really, who doesn’t need a bit of scrap now and then? And now, with the training up of Polly Lynne, she’s busy busy busy! Thank goodness for the Festival. Mirth, merriment, and fabric scraps!

Evelin Stayner :  Buttercup M. Rosehips – Scullery Wench 

This young lady is happy when surrounded by a pile of dirty anything. Beginning, middle, end! That is where she finds her joy. Every day has its adventures, and they all start when the sun comes up and last throughout the day. You may find her dancing, singing, or generally making herself an asset to the Shire of Mount. Hope. Some might even call her a fledgling pillar of society; probably more like a fence post. But everybody has to start somewhere!

Katrin Stayner :  Eva Froman – Sausage Queen of the Shire 

Blessed with infinite patience, and a lithe mind to keep up with her husband. The Fromans are nouveau riche, and happy to flaunt it. Eva is the true brains of the operation. Her wurst is the best, and her husband is the best at being the worst.  [the Sausage King is being played by one of the improv directors who doubles as an independent act.]

Jordan Taft :  Dorothy "Dottie" Brooke – Lady in Waiting 

This Maid of Honor is a seasoned Lady of the court. Certainly Lady Dorothy has done it all, seen it all, and has the bodice to prove it. However, Mount Hope intrigues her. After all, it is time for her to settle down and have a family of her own, and the matchmaker of the Shire is famous throughout the land. She may leave here betrothed, or at least,with several good prospects. Love is in the air, or, is that TURKEY???

Robyn Thompson :  Fiona Erin O'Donald – Personal Foot Post of the Lady Mayor 

When Fiona came to Mount Hope, the first person she met was the Lady Mayor, who had just lost her third foot post in six months. Fiona needed a job; she had no idea what a foot post was, but she knew she could do it! She is Irish after all! As it turns out, she is the best foot post the Mayor has ever had!! Messenger, she’s the Lady Mayor’s personal messenger!

Sandi Trait :  Becky Billingsly – Town Crier and Lady Mayor’s Official Letter-Opener 

Becky Billingsly, the voice of the shire, knows full well the weight her proclamations carry. As Official Letter Opener for the Lady Mayor, she is at the forefront of all the news that is news in the shire. Of course, nothing beats today’s happenings! The young Queen makes her way to the gates of Mount Hope. How thrilling to share her news and tidings with the court of her Majesty!

Ariel E. Urich :  Kathryn Bridges – Lady in Waiting 

This Maid of Honor is on her first progress with the Queen. She has lived her entire life in training for this very time and now that it is here, she realizes that something is missing. She knows how to carry the cup with grace and style; the basket is a simple matter; smiling at the proper time, sitting, standing. So, what is the problem? She has this deep desire to make people laugh! So far, she has shared a bit of her talent with the Ladies of the Court, but perhaps this small shire is where she can be a bit more free with her jests and merriment. Oh, the festival day could not get here soon enough!

Brianna Yale :  Lydia der Schlachter – Butcher 

Leaving home to work for the Fromans was a tough decision but one she is happy she made. Butchering brings her such delight. From the time she begins to sharpen her blade to the beauty of well-cut chop, this butcher knows her way around a slab of beef, pork, and lamb. However, never ask her for a capon! She has been squeamish since the capon incident of 1552. Enough of that! This is a festival day, and she plans on celebrating with the shire folk and perhaps even catching a glimpse of the new Queen.

Darrell E. Yoder :  Sylvan Farelight – Tinker

If it needs mending, this is the man to do it. If it needs replacing, step right up, he has it. If you need a bit of magic in your life, having Sylvan on the streets ensures that your needs will be met! Always popular when he arrives on shire; Sylvan can be counted on to share a bit of news from afar; a bit of wisdom from within; and a bit of magic from, well, from where magic comes from!

To the newcomers, welcome!  To those returning, welcome back!

[abitterlifethroughcinema]

THE SITGES Film Festival- Happy Samhain 2020 REVIEWS, VOL. II by Lucas Avram Cavazos

For starters, a couple of docs that skirt socio-cultural issues but are right up this critic’s alley…history. The Quiet Revolution: State, Society and the Canadian Horror Film looks at just how social and political tensions of the 60s and 70s within North America differed between the US and Canadian territories, and that aided in the creation of on-fleek horror film traditions from then until the present day in Canada but obviously beyond, as well. Think Montreal in those times and know that it bred a revolution in French-language cinema. Throw in filmmakers like David Cronenberg, whose son won Best Film this year at Sitges 2020, and we start to see that the difference between US horror and Canadian horror has distinctly been shaped by the differences in the state from which they are helmed. Nice touch with bountiful shards of film clip examples to illustrate for dorks like myself. ###-1/2

Be Water tells the story of Bruce Lee but in such an unexpected treasure kind-of-way, as so much unseen and long time not-seen footage of Bruce and his family makes the film rife with historical depictions. I never knew that he was a kid actor star for Asian cinema devotees across the globe AND that he was born in San Francisco. The documentary title is derived from one of Lee’s core philosophical beliefs and it must be clearly stated that water being fluid as it is, smooth and crystalline as it is and yet hard as anything else, capable of breaking down dams, walls and even presidencies. Superb and informative if not definitive. ####

Ahhh Becky…such a lauded name these days with Beyonce fans and the like…Telling the tragic story of lil Becky (young horror film maven Lulu Wilson) who, after losing her mother a year or so before, is doted on by her loving father (US comic actor Joel McHale) who, one day, takes her away for a respite to a) continue the healing process in nature; b) assure her they will keep their country home; and c) let her know that his now girlfriend is about to become her new mommy…with lil brother in tow. Insert a common theme in the US (the world?) right now and white supremacism rears its scary-ass head in the name of some scary, escaped convicts (led by chunky-and-charming King of Queens star Kevin James) and the hit gets real...really quickly. The unexpected force? Tween kween Becky and her boiling pre-teen angst/anger. Chil’! This film gives good thrills! ###-1/2 (now premiering on Movistar+)

There was a moment whilst screening Catalan director Lluis Danes’ interesting La Vampira de Barcelona where I felt a sense of deja vu, a sense that I was back in the 90s watching an intriguing arthouse film documenting a little remembered piece of history. At times it felt like a mix between a low-budget Age of Innocence mixed with a sincere element of Ferrara’s The Addiction. Detailing the story of Enriqeta Marti i Ripollés, known as the Vampire of the Raval or Vampire of Barcelona as the film title suggests, it has nothing to do with blood sucking and much more to do with the fact that she had connections in high places and made deals that provided children for the sexual pleasures of men amongst the rankings of high society. This spanned over years and allegedly claimed the lives of over a dozen pre-adolescent children. Some researchers have disputed this claim and deemed her merely a mental case, but this film takes the necessary steps to analyse the documented case. Winner of the Audience Award for Best Film at this years’s festival, the film opens in local cinemas on the 20/11/20. ###-1/2

Spree was a superb piece of celluloid to screen for this year’s Sitges film festival and is yet another social reflection of how the demented realm of youngsters without scruples but plenty of social media contact make for a bleak AF future. The movie tells the story of Kurt Kunkle (Stranger Thing’s Joe Keery) who is beyond obsessed with social media stardom and concocts a way to attain that by attempting to coerce a kid he used to babysit (and who is now a social media influencer) to aid him grab more live stream viewers. But what ends up happening is a slow, maddening yet funny descent into a psychopathic spree of death or near-deaths that border on all-too-real yet achingly not-real tidbits of modern reality, especially for this under 20! Superb as a thought piece, creepy thrill ride and post-modern drama. The film is now streaming on some international Amazon Prime platforms but should also see an indie cine release by early next year. ####

The Old Man: The Movie was so much fun to screen! It was like going into the millennium-style, sardonic and sarcastic humour that I so gravitate to and spinning it through an Estonian milk to butter churn. Helmed by Estonian filmmakers Mikk Magi and Oskar Lehemaa, this animated (personal fave) film goes off telling the fabled Estonian story of how cows explode and wreak havoc when doing so if they are not milked every day or so! Apparently, this tale is told to kids in Estonia and is brought to life with the story of farmer/milkman, Grandpa, whose three grandkids come to visit for the summer, only to learn a valuable lesson or two when their trusted dairy cow goes missing. What ensues is such a silly laugh riot, and yet it also touches on human emotions and fantasy at the sane time and in such a wonderfully unique way. Though released in its native Estonia late last year, it is still hard to come by and I’m grateful to have screened it this year! ####

While I was screening Polish director Lech Majewski’s latest odd offering called Valley of the Gods, it was hard not to feel an overwhelming feeling of otherworldliness. The feeling of deja vu was too true, with a tinged air of Lynch mixed with the opulent director’s-eye of Sorrentino and a dash of Kubrick-style art-rendered-reality...even that might only start to begin to explain this piece. Telling the story of a man’s breakdown due to love’s labour lost, we follow John Ecas (Josh Hartnett) trying to break free from his sadness by immersing himself into the work of a man who is an old trillionaire (John Malkovich) and documenting his life story. What enraptures the audience (if they’re able to be, that is) is how director Majewski captures the odd reality of the original US-Americans, native American tribesmen like the Navajo here, set against the realities of modern USA. Unexplainable in a way, this film either grows on you or you walk the hell away wondering, ‘WTF!’ the film opens in local cinemas on the 20/11/20. ###-1/2

When a fantastical-horror film piece is also doubling as a social-environmental thought piece that can make you laugh, you’re probably onto something interesting. That is what I kept feeling was going to occur and lo and behold, it did as I watched the new film Slaxx. Helmed by experimental Montreal film director Elza Kephart, we get the truth behind the realities of fast fashion by large corp clothiers, like Zara/H&M and yes, even YOU Bennetton…your ads are a smokescreen for the clothes maker you used to be…and I no longer can buy in the outlets, although I do find it harder than heck from time to tie not to break down and load up on canvas shoes…yet I digress. In this film, when go-getter Libby gets a post working for a fast fashion retailer, she is pumped and ready to learn, burn and chuuuuurn out sales, mostly as the ‘new season’ jeans’ are about to go on sale, but there just happens to be a twist. These ‘slacks’ are out for blood…why, you ask? Assuredly, this over the top concept come straight to us with a complete tongue-in-cheek manner but highlighting the fact that the slacks’ design came courtesy of/at the expense of a wee cotton-picking lass in the depths of India who was accidentally killed during a horrid machine snafu, says a lot. A personal favourite of mine this year. ###-1/2

[pengiesama]

A Reasonable Amount of Trouble (Fic, Sorey/Mikleo, Detective AU, Chapter 2/?)

Title: A Reasonable Amount of Trouble, Chapter 2/? Series: Tales of Zestiria Pairing: Sorey/Mikleo Summary: Sorey is an experienced member of the supernatural detective division, the Shepherds, but is a fresh face to the city squad when an unexpected transfer lands him in Lastonbell. Things tend to get complicated when you realize that hot hookup from the bar last night is now your new partner on the force. (Detective AU)

Sorey fails to bond with his new team, fails to churn butter, and fails to get over Mikleo.

Read Chapter 1 here!

Link: AO3

This was a commission from @shamingcows, who requested fic from her fantastic Detective AU!

Check out my commission info here.

Read on Tumblr!

Sorey was settling in to Lastonbell well, he thought. He had been spending the last two weeks admiring local historical sites, checking out museums and art galleries, and sampling local cuisine, and was getting to know his coworkers a little bit better both in the office and out. He missed his teammates from Ladylake, but Sorey was the friendly sort, and knew that it was only a matter of time before he was just as close with his new team as he was with his old.

That being said, there was a certain teammate he’d love to get closer to sooner rather than later. 

But the problem was, Sorey supposed, that he’d gotten close to him a bit too Sooner, making the Later a lot more complicated. Sorey snuck a sneaky peek at Mikleo, who was seated next to him, and tried to catch his eye. Mikleo continued to stare straight ahead at the whiteboard at the head of the room, though Sorey saw him jump a bit when Sorey poked him in the side. Small victories. Mikleo glowered at him, and smacked him away; Sorey grinned and gleefully escalated the tickle duel. Flirting with coworkers might be an awful idea, but it had its perks when it came to spicing up boring meetings.

“Excuse me! Detective Sorey! Detective Mikleo!”

Sorey winced and ceased all tickle activity, looking up a bit sheepishly at the source of the admonishment. Maybe he shouldn’t have been screwing around in a department meeting when he was still a fresh face in the building. Detective Eleanor had raised herself to her unimpressive stature, and was fully fluffed up and ready to unleash a lecture. 

“While it is wonderful to see that you are already bonding with your new partner--” 

Another one of his coworkers, Detective Zaveid, burst into giggles at the phrasing. Sorey didn’t know how Zaveid found out about his and Mikleo’s...pre-existing bonding encounter(s), but he did seem to have ears and eyes everywhere in the city. Or maybe Sorey had had a small slip of the tongue when Zaveid took him out for drinks. Or maybe Zaveid was crawling around in the office air ducts to spy on him and Mikleo while they worked. The latter scenario would be entirely unsurprising. Sorey had very quickly found out that, much like Sorey’s motorcycle needed fuel, or a flower needed sun, Zaveid needed to consume a constant stream of gossip or he would instantly fall completely dead to the pavement. Eleanor frowned at him and fluffed herself up further to increase her lecturing power level.

“--and while it is also wonderful to see senior members of the department taking an interest in helping you acclimate--”

“Who’s a senior?” Zaveid said, with hurt in his voice. “Eleanor, are you telling me that I’m not cut out for this job anymore?”

Eleanor looked like a deer in headlights; her cheeks red as her hair. To not confront misbehavior in an individual who should be a paragon of morals and virtue was intolerable; to contradict one’s professional senior was likewise intolerable. Eleanor was conflicted between these impossible extremes, and seemed ready to burst from strain.

“Detectives! Your captain has something to say.”

They all looked warily at the front of the room, where Captain Sergei Strelka stood: back straight, shoulders squared, and patiently waiting for his team to redirect their attention to him. Captain Strelka was something of a legend on the force – Sorey had heard about him even before he was assigned to Lastonbell. He was hyper-competent, and had spearheaded the initiative to clean up Lastonbell’s organized crime and drug trafficking activity. He was professional, an excellent leader, and a great public face for the department. His position was well-earned.

Sergei looked to the hand-puppet of himself that he wore on his right hand, and made it cross its arms firmly.

“I’m Cap’n Strelka, and I’m here to lead everyone in a fun-filled team-building activity at the behest of HR!”

Sorey had wondered why they’d been called into this meeting in the middle of the afternoon. He didn’t wonder so much about the puppet. Not anymore, anyway. Sorey briefly wondered what it was about the position of captain that seemed to make people…like this. Sorey thought back to some of his more disturbing encounters in Ladylake. He’d watched Captain Lailah confiscate the shed skin of a Medusa-class hellion (a Class V biohazard), determined to purify it enough to mount it on her wall, all because it had dried and coiled into a curl that had captured her heart. After three days the entire station needed to be evacuated and a team in full protective gear needed to be sent in to clean up the miasmatic haze. Lailah lost her trophy to the incident, and sank into an abiding despair that lasted months.

And now here in Lastonbell he was regularly attending lectures on workplace safety and cultural sensitivity hosted by a hand-puppet.

(Early on, Captain Sergei had called Sorey into his office, and quietly asked him about how he’d been adjusting. He encouraged Sorey that he could always talk to him and the Cap’n about his feelings. Sorey thanked them both for the opportunity. Later, as he carefully turned the encounter over in his mind to come to terms with his new reality, he’d asked Mikleo why Captain Sergei seemed so familiar.

“His twin brother is the head bartender at Katz Pajamas. You probably saw me talking to him while you were there.”

“…is he…does he do the hand-puppets too?”

“No, thank god.”

“I bet that’s kind of weird, though? You’re in there cruising for hookups, and you’re getting poured drinks by someone who looks like your boss.”

“I’ve done body-shots off Boris’ nipples while he was dressed like a slutty cat at the bar’s Halloween party a couple years ago. We’re way beyond weird.”)

The team looked resigned to their fate. Zaveid forced a smile.

“Team-building! Great, let’s all meet up at the nearest bar and really get our team on--”

“It’s three in the afternoon!” Eleanor scolded him.

“I know a place that does all day mimosas,” Zaveid explained. “I bet if you wanted to make a lunch version you could find a half-empty plastic gallon jug of orange juice and fill the rest with vodka--”

“That’s just a screwdriver for people who’ve given up on life,” Mikleo shot back.

“Team! We can go out for drinks later,” Sergei assured. “But Miss Moo Cow is only booked with us for an hour before she has to go back to the park petting zoo.”

The door to the meeting room opened, and a full-size dairy cow led by a person in a cow suit entered. Mikleo sprang out of his seat and inched over to the windows, all the color draining from his face. As he slunk away, Sorey stood up from his own seat and carefully trailed after him with no little concern.

“No. Not after last time,” Mikleo said firmly. “No, no, no.”

“Detective, I assure you that Miss Moo Cow has gone through the required sensitivity training to prevent a repeat of last year’s events,” Sergei said reassuringly. He gestured at Mikleo with his Cap’n-bedecked hand. “Would you like to talk with Cap’n about your feelings before we start the process of churning some delicious homemade butter?”

Mikleo was clearly not convinced, and was in the process of climbing out the window and onto the fire escape. Despite his better judgement – though homemade butter did sound nice – Sorey put on his negotiations hat and tried to talk Mikleo down.

“Mikleo, why don’t I do the honors with Miss Moo Cow for you, and then we can both get churning --”

Mikleo was out and away, his footsteps clanging on the metal fire escape stairs as he headed towards the roof. Giving a sheepish smile to his teammates and a respectful nod to Miss Moo Cow and her associate, Sorey climbed out the window to follow him. As he pursued Mikleo to the rooftop, he heard the Cap’n asking who’d like to go first; and Eleanor’s small, despairing affirmation.

Sorey found Mikleo seated on one of the industrial fan boxes on the rooftop; smoking a cigarette to calm his nerves down from whatever cow-based horrors had rattled them. Sorey had seen him smoke before – he thankfully wasn’t a pack-a-day addict (Sorey surely would have tasted it on his tongue during their long weekend together), but he still lit up more often than Sorey liked while on the job. Sorey knew the stresses of this kind of work, and maybe smoking didn’t have as bad an effect on seraphim, and Mikleo of course never did it where anyone else had to breathe it in. But when it came to Mikleo’s health, Sorey couldn’t…

…what he really couldn’t do was anything about it, at all. Mikleo wasn’t his boyfriend. They weren’t in a relationship. They’d barely even established a professional connection. He was a guy he’d hooked up with over one wonderful, unforgettable weekend; he was a guy he was hopelessly hung up on. Sorey knew from the start that he was terrible at keeping things casual, at keeping feelings out of bed. And yet he dove in head-first regardless. This is what he got for ignoring his own good advice. Sorey shoved his hands into his pockets and flopped down next to Mikleo on his perch.

“So what’s your beef with Miss Moo Cow?” Sorey asked jovially.

Mikleo gave him a flat look. Back in Ladylake, that kind of pun would have gotten Sorey a promotion from Captain Lailah. The times, they were a-changin’.

“I know you’re not lactose intolerant, considering how many ice cream bars you can pack away.”

“I prefer to not remember the incident,” Mikleo said tersely. He took another drag of his cigarette, and exhaled a long, slow breath. “Suffice to say that I don’t have faith I wouldn’t see a repeat of it.”

“Well, whatever horrors you think she’s capable of, you’ve abandoned Eleanor and Zaveid to suffer them alone.” Sorey tsked his tongue teasingly. “Hope that’s not me someday.”

“If and when that cow ever goes hellion? It just might be,” Mikleo retorted. He stubbed out his cigarette. “That being said, rest assured that I have your back in other circumstances.”

Sorey grinned wide. “Is that a date?”

Mikleo snorted, but Sorey could see a smile on his lips regardless. “You wish.”

 --

 Text messages (4), Mileena Weiss

Hi Sorey!! How’ve you been?

We’ve missed you here in Ladylake! (heart emoji) Ix has wanted to text you since the day you left to see how you’re doing, but, well, you know him. He thinks it would just be “bothering” you. (eyeroll emoji)

Captain Lailah is as elegant and graceful as ever, but I can tell she misses having you around. I bet she’d love a text or email from you sometime. If you make a beautiful lady like her cry, I’ll break into your apartment at night and break the bindings on ALL your books!! (knife emoji, knife emoji)

The precinct’s been pretty quiet lately, so maybe we can both take some time to visit you in Lastonbell. Ix has been daydreaming of going to all those museums and galleries you told him about before you left; if I don’t get him there soon, he’s liable to wilt away from nerd starvation. (skull emoji) Help him!!! Love you lots!

Sorey read through the texts with a small, sad smile on his face. Mileena and Ix were the resident rookies on Ladylake’s squad, and ever since they’d joined the team, Sorey had felt a certain kind of responsibility for them. Especially Ix, who – though showing deductive skills and proficiency with purification that rivalled many of the more seasoned squad members – was a complete and utter nervous wreck even in the best of times. Crippling indecision and heartbreakingly low self-esteem were not traits that meshed well with a career in criminal justice, no matter what skills were there to make up for it. On his especially bad days, Sorey would load him up on the back of his motorcycle and drive them both over to his favorite café and bookstore to chat about history until Ix’s tension passed.

When Sorey got the notification that he was being transferred to Lastonbell, he couldn’t help but be concerned at what would become of the rookie when he wasn’t around…he had Mileena, of course, but there were just some things that you couldn’t talk about freely with someone you had feelings for.

Sorey knew that pain. He dropped his phone to his chest and let out a sigh.

 You:

Hey guys! That sounds great, but I’m not sure if you really want to see my apartment right now…

 Mileena Weiss:

Have you seriously not unpacked yet???? It’s been two weeks!! What will you do if you want to bring a special someone home with you, make them sleep in a box like a cat??

 You:

Well, if it came to that…

 Mileena Weiss:

I swear I don’t understand men honestly

I’m gonna tattle on you to Captain Lailah

 You:

Nooo. Nooooooooooooo

I’ll unpack soon. Promise (halo emoji) And then the two of you can come tour the city with me!

 Mileena Weiss:

I’ll hold you to that! (heart emoji)

 The twinge of homesickness in his chest eased, if only a little. Sorey paused for a long moment, gazing at the gathering clouds outside the window, at the twinkling city lights in the late night air. He tapped over to his contacts and brought up Mikleo’s entry, and stared at the picture Mikleo had sent him to associate with it – before they’d found out they were coworkers, of course. Sorey was sure that Mikleo wouldn’t have ever sent him a photo like this otherwise.

His naked neck, marked with Sorey’s hickies, his shirt unbuttoned to show the lines of his chest, his unbound hair falling in waves down his shoulders, and just a hint of his full, soft lips. Sorey probably shouldn’t still have it associated with Mikleo’s contact, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to disassociate the Mikleo he’d fallen into bed with, with the Mikleo he was now working alongside every day in the office. Doing that felt like giving up, and reasonably, that was exactly what he should be doing – Mikleo had rebuffed all of his advances once they’d started working together, so he clearly wasn’t interested in dating a coworker. He’d have to ask Mikleo for another photo sometime. Maybe now?

It was perilously late. It is widely known that at a certain time of night, the urge to send maudlin/horny/needy texts to your crushes becomes an irresistible self-destructive directive. Sorey was caught up in this compulsion, and before he even realized what he was doing, he’d already texted Mikleo.

 You:

Hey. You still need a picture of me for your phone?

 Sorey then pulled his phone back to take a selfie; turtling his neck in an attempt to give himself as many chins as possible in the shot. He sent it over to Mikleo, and as five whole seconds ticked by without a reply, Sorey fought the urge to go curl up in the bathtub in a shame ball. Luckily or unluckily for Sorey, he didn’t have to wait more than another torturous minute or so for a response.

 Mikleo:

That wasn’t the kind of photo I was expecting when I saw your name, but if you insist. Have you been drinking?

 Sorey hadn’t been. He didn’t need to be drunk to make poor decisions in love.

 You:

drinking!! The very idea

What kind of man do you take me for

 Mikleo:

The drunk kind. Go dunk your head so you’re lucid for work tomorrow

 You:

Is this the kind of thanks I get for sharing my chins with you (crying face emoji)

 Sorey didn’t get a response for a minute or two, and briefly thought that Mikleo had abandoned him for the night to recover from his not-impairment. However, Sorey’s phone buzzed again, and Sorey’s heart skipped when he saw that it was a photo message. Swallowing hard, Sorey opened the notification.

He knew that Mikleo wore reading glasses – Sorey saw him wearing them at work, and he looked good enough in them there, but this. This was simply unfair. Mikleo had sent him a picture of himself in half-profile, leaning his chin on his hand, and giving the camera a half-lidded look over the tops of his spectacles. His hair fell over one shoulder in a loose braid that just begged to be loosened further by Sorey’s fingers. He looked like he had been reading in bed when Sorey texted, and apparently slept without a shirt on. (Well, he’d slept without a shirt on at Sorey’s place. But he didn’t have pants on then either. Asking if the latter still held true seemed to be an inappropriate question to ask.) The dim lighting of Mikleo’s room cast shadows on his features; perfectly outlining the beautiful lines of his jaw and cheekbones, and the tiny curl of those lips as they smirked at Sorey through the screen. It was no less lewd than the picture he already had of Mikleo, and Sorey felt awash in an exquisite despair.

He was getting the distinct feeling that he’d find something to fixate on no matter what picture Mikleo sent him, no matter how innocuous. He wondered if he could maybe sneak one of Mikleo while he was eating. That might work to get something that wouldn’t destroy him every time he looked at it.

 You:

too few chins. a B+ at best. See me after class

 Mikleo:

I’ll dispute that grade with the dean’s office tomorrow, I assure you.

Good night. I’m sure you know to drink water before going to bed

 You:

Of course. Partners always looking out for each other

Good night

 So now Sorey had two lewd pictures, a renewed ache in his chest, and one very empty bed.

Sorey covered his face in his hand and sighed. This city was feeling lonelier than ever.

[meetedgar-blog]

What to Say on Social Media: 10 Talk-Worthy Topics

New Post has been published on http://blog.meetedgar.com/201308what-to-say-on-social-media-10-talk-worthy-topics/

What to Say on Social Media: 10 Talk-Worthy Topics

Okay, solopreneurs and small business owners – we know you’re busy. Like, busy-busy.

You’ve got inventory to manage, networking events to rock, and work to be done – 24/7/365.

With everything you’ve got going on, it’s super easy for things to slip through the cracks. Even pretty important things – like your social media.

Social media is an easy and powerful way to connect with your customers, increase traffic to your website, reach new audiences and fans, generate leads, manage customer service, and – perhaps most importantly – up your thought leadership game.

But social media can feel like a distraction from “real work.” The truth is that social media has never been more important to businesses – especially small businesses.

According to a recent survey from Manta, social media is actually the single most popular tactic on which small businesses spend their money.

In the same survey of marketing tactics, 51% of small business owners said they most rely on social media to grow their business – more than email marketing, display ads, and direct mail, and PR combined.

Source: Manta.com

The reason why social media is so popular for small business owners is simple: Social media levels the playing field. It gives everyone a chance to get noticed on a global scale and to compete with the “big guys” for thought leadership. After all, going viral has little do to with your earnings and a lot to do with your message.

Plus, 78% of consumers say that a company’s social media posts influence their buying decisions.

In other words: spending time on social media is totally worth it.

So! What’s the state of your social media?

One of the biggest reasons people give for not being more engaged on social media is that they feel like they don’t have anything to talk about.

“What do I share?”

“Who cares what I’m eating?”

“Who wants to hear my opinions?”

“Who honestly can’t believe it’s not butter?”

These are all good questions! And you definitely don’t want to churn out lackluster content – nor pushy, sales-y stuff that just sounds spammy. You want your social media posts to be interesting, helpful, real, and (importantly) shareable.

If you’re struggling to give your social media the attention it deserves, try these 10 share-worthy thought starters.

What to Say on Social Media: 10 Talk-Worthy Topics

1. Things you treasure. It doesn’t matter how big or small your business is, people love “insider” warm-fuzzies. Posting about what makes you smile introduces you (as a real live human being) to your brand or business.

So, what makes you smile? What keeps you going after a long day? Whether it’s spiritual and personal growth stuff, yummy foods that you make (or eat!), or funny things your kids say – chances are things that lift your spirits will lift the spirits of your fans, too!

2. Things that inspire you. Even a brand or a company can be inspirational – but, as with Topic #1 – it starts with you.

Where do you go to affirm your inner greatness? What sparks your creativity and pushes you (or your business) to innovate? Do you look to art? Music? A favorite author? Leaders in your space? Post about where you go to get motivated to make things happen!

3. Favorite tools you use to make your life easier. You know what everyone appreciates? Literally anything that makes ANY TASK THAT EVERYONE DOES BUT NOBODY REALLY LIKES TO DO easier. (Edgar was founded by an entrepreneur as a better way to save time on social media – making life easier is literally why we exist.)

So what are you using that make your everyday extra nice? Astronaut pen? An ergonomic chair?

What are the online tools and software that keep your business humming, save hours of your day, and keep your brand up-to-date? Let your fans know how the things that make your life easier bring value into your life or business.

4. Bragging rights. This sort of ties back to Topic #2 – providing inspiration to your fans. But it’s you doing the inspiring yourself!

This can feel really uncomfortable at first, but the internet is a big place, and being modest is not a sustainable marketing strategy. So share your accomplishments! It shows your customers that you kinda rock and it shows your fans how to rock.

LOVED talking to @Groove about how we do things at @MeetEdgar! How we grew to $100k revenue/mo. in under a year: https://t.co/Qg5CMQfFi7

— Laura Roeder (@lkr) March 13, 2017

Did you help a client face her fear of asking for a raise? Tell people! Is your schedule booked for the next two months? Brag about it!

5. Other peoples’ stuff. That old saying about not reinventing the wheel? It’s basically social media’s unofficial motto. If someone you follow posts an amazing article or provides unique value to you – through insights, analysis, or just plain amazing products – share that goodness with your fans!

What newsletters do you always read? What blogs do you subscribe to? What events or products are your peers producing? What website offers great content for your community or industry?

6. You couldn’t stop laughing because… Everyone needs a good laugh pretty much every single day. Laughter is kind of amazing, because it’s one of those universal things that takes you out of your head and plants you firmly in the present. It lends perspective, it breaks up the day, and when it’s “contagious,” laughter really is the best medicine.

Funny stuff – that’s not at the expense of others, of course – is almost always a worthwhile share on social media. Search on YouTube for a funny video, or find a photo or GIF that cracks you up. Here’s a great example:

7. Ask questions. Get curious about your community and your industry! It doesn’t have to be about your work – focus on getting to know who you are connected with on your social media profiles.

What are their thoughts about current affairs? What are they doing this weekend? How do they manage family and work life? What books are on their nightstands or e-readers?

8. Witty musings. You know those strange and lovely things that happen to us in life? Like that time that guy took up three seats on the train for his phone, briefcase, and shoes so unashamedly that you weren’t even mad. Or that time a butterfly landed perfectly on your window the moment you were thinking about something special. Or that morning the barista drew Cookie Monster’s face in your latte.

Close enough

Moments like these show your human side, and give others a chance to connect with you through a common trait: being human.

9. Places or products you love. Where did you get your hair cut? What is your favorite “I’m not cooking tonight” restaurant? Did your insurance agent go above and beyond? Did your cell phone company correct an error they made? (Wait… does this actually happen?)

Sharing your interactions with other businesses is a simple and lovely way to build community and create fans from whole new audiences.

10. Promote your stuff! Earning a profit from your business is important, so don’t be afraid to share your goods too!

Revive those old blog posts from last year, and share ’em again and again for new people to discover. Take quotes from your book. Tell people about your next event, or that you’re open for one more coaching client, or you’re speaking on a podcast as an expert in your field.

Share about the services you offer – but in balance with the other nine items on this list. The point is to nurture a connection with like-hearted people who will love following you and your business – all because of you!

It’s been a little while since we first published this post, and we’ve added a couple of new ideas to our list! Here are two more talk-worthy topics we’ve been having fun with lately:

11. Shout-outs to our team. We occasionally feature our team members on Instagram to give people a chance to put a face to a name when they interact with our company. (And yes, we still totally love Instagram, even though they don’t allow tools like Edgar to post for you.)

Just our Head of Operations, being adorable, and chillin with the team ❤🤗!

A post shared by Edgar (@meetedgar) on Nov 4, 2016 at 11:46am PDT

12. Behind the scenes stuff. Giving social media followers a peek into the day-to-day life of everyone who makes MeetEdgar possible is a fun and impactful way to put a human face on a fully distributed company like ours!

There are a few things we care about as much as providing amazing service to our customers, and one of those things is volunteering! Everyone who works for team Edgar gets an entire day, every quarter, to dedicate to #volunteer work of their choice!

A post shared by Edgar (@meetedgar) on Jan 9, 2017 at 7:02am PST

One of the things our “behind the scenes” posts focus on is showcasing our values (which we’re darn proud of!) and how those values impact the way we do business.

What talk-worthy topics have you been experimenting with lately?

Let us know what’s been working for you in the comments below!