#but i am saying i think it would be good for child welfare

[thissying]

"A wunderkind," said Niki Lauda when Limburger Max Verstappen (18) won his first Grand Prix in Spain on Sunday. Her wunderkind, thought Sophie Kumpen (41), at home in Maaseik in front of the television. Two hours later the phone rang: "Wow. Mom. Actually unbelievable, huh."

21 May, 2016

Sophie was at home on Sunday when it happened. All alone, on a chair, in front of the television. "I've been in the pit box at enough races to know: I actually prefer to watch in the living room. You can't see it better anywhere else than on television. I have a fixed ritual for it. A candle on the table. Smartphone in hand. And that chair." (points to one of the dining room chairs)

"Of course, if I had known in advance that Max would win his first Grand Prix, I would have gone along. During those last two corners I was sitting in my chair cheering. When Max crossed the finish line, I cried. I didn't even cry at his birth. They were tears of relief, I think. He was finally able to show what I always knew he could do."

What role does genetics play? So far unclear. But this much is certain: if Max drove the competition away on Sunday - and was also a bit lucky with two top drivers dropping out - it was mainly a matter of years of training. "Max has been working towards this for fourteen years. He was four when he started karting. Jos and I practically lived on the circuit at that time. People sometimes think that we pushed Max. That's not true. It came from him. Once that happened, there was no stopping him. And honestly? I understand that. It was the same for me. That kick. That adrenaline. That quickly becomes addictive."

Sophie once lived in the same world as Max does today. She was successful in karting, and Jos had made it in F1. The couple lived in Monaco and bathed in wealth. But the divorce, in 2006, turned that life upside down. Max was eight, his sister Victoria six. It was decided: Max would stay with Jos, Victoria with Sophie. And while Jos focused on his son's career, Sophie looked for a job in Maaseik.

"A very difficult time," says Sophie. "I didn't see Max a lot then. He quickly started to achieve international success and he was abroad a lot with his father. I found that incredibly difficult. But I also knew: if we really wanted to pursue Max's big dream, he would be better off with Jos. I had to flip a switch for that. There were many nights when I lay in bed crying. Out of sadness, for the child I missed so much. I really had to let go of Max. I was often very afraid that I would lose him. Now that he is eighteen, I have the feeling that all that is changing. He visits me more often, shows up unexpectedly at the door more often. 'Mum, let's go shopping in Hasselt.' Max recently had to get his driver's license. He had to drive for a few days with a supervisor. He said: 'I want to do that with you, mum.' I am increasingly getting my place as a mum back. That feels really good."

"The contact with Jos is finally better again, too. Everything has fallen into place: Jos has remarried and I am also doing well. When Max won on Sunday, Jos called me from Barcelona. However, we hardly ever call each other. But at a moment like that you know: this is our child. And then it is nice to be able to share that emotion with each other and to be able to cry together. I am glad we had that phone call. It felt good to be able to do that. For Max as well."

"After the divorce, I started working for the OCMW [social welfare centre]. I believe that things in life happen for a reason. I see a lot of poverty. I see the underclass of society. I think it's good that I can show Max that. We talk about it. I want him to know that there is another world than his. That's good to keep his feet on the ground. As a mother, I'm sometimes afraid that he'll start to float. I think it's my job to prevent that. I often say: 'Max, don't get too big for your boots, boy. Be nice to people, be nice to the fans. If there are twenty fans, don't sign five, but twenty autographs.' Max knows that, how important that is. And he does that with a smile. Deep down he is very down to earth. Max is a very down-to-earth guy, actually. He now has a Swedish girlfriend - someone who also races. When those two visit: it is really very relaxed. Something to eat, a game of cards, a chat. Max really likes 'normal'. He recently got a sponsorship contract with Puma. He said: 'Mum, then I'll get a new pair of shoes!' I thought that was nice of him. That he could be as happy as a child with a new pair of shoes."

It's been a madhouse since Sunday. Both in Monaco and in Maaseik. "Even I've been overwhelmed all week. I've received 1,500 Facebook requests. The phone didn't stop ringing. Journalists called from America. It really can stop now. Just because Max has won once, doesn't mean he'll keep winning. We all have to stay level-headed about that. Things have been going really well for Max for a year and a half now. There will be a dip at some point. We better prepare for that. I always impress that on Max. 'Think carefully and enjoy it, because it could all be over tomorrow.' He then says: 'Yes, mum, I know.'"

It can never end more suddenly than with a crash. Last year Max came close to that. It happened in Monaco. His car: straight into the tire barrier. Sophie was watching. "I remember thinking: please, get out of that car. And he did get out of that car - unharmed. Maybe that won't happen one day. Or he will be seriously injured. From the moment your child puts on a helmet, you know that it can go wrong. Look at Jules Bianchi, last year. That crash was so hard that he was brain dead. They had to pull the plug. We talk about that. What if something like that ever happens to Max? At least we'll know that it happened while he was doing what he loved to do."

"When I light candles, that is why. So that everything goes well. But you do take into account that it could be different every time. I find the start especially difficult. After two or three laps that improves. When they're all driving behind each other. Should I tell Max that he's not allowed to race? That wouldn't be fair. I've done circuits myself. So who am I to stop my son? Fortunately I know: Formula 1 has become increasingly safer in recent years. Less and less can go wrong."

Sophie - an interior designer by education - was 21 when she said goodbye to top-level sport. "Jos and I saw each other so little that I chose my marriage . Now I sometimes think: 'What if?' When I chose Jos, I said 'no' to a top offer from Formula Opel Lotus. What if I had said 'yes'? I was good at the time. Although I also know: then I wouldn't have had Max and Victoria. The dream that I had to put aside myself, Max is now realizing in my place. That feels good. The sacrifices were not in vain. Because sacrifices: we all made them. Victoria too. Our whole life has been about Max. Sometimes I feel bad for Victoria. I can feel quite guilty about that. It must not have always been easy for Victoria to stand in the shadow of her brother. My daughter works in haircare now. Two weeks ago she put highlights on me. She is one of the best in her class. I am incredibly proud of her - just as proud as I am of Max. But sometimes it gnaws at me: Victoria was very good at karting as a child. What if Jos had invested as much in her as in Max? She could have gone very far, because I think she is better than me. I would have thought it was fantastic. If a woman does well in motorsport, that is still more impressive than when a man does it. Only, it turned out differently. And now that she is sixteen, it doesn't have to be that way for her anymore. She is happy the way she is. People often ask her why she is not like her brother. But then I think: let her be herself."

"Especially now that Max is getting older, he realizes those things. He knows that his sister sacrificed everything for him. They get along very well. Max will always take care of Victoria - a mother senses those things. They once made an appointment, laughing. Victoria had wanted a Louis Vuitton handbag for a long time. 'But I won't get one from mom,' she had told Max. And so Max said: 'When I score my first points in F1, you'll get one.' The day Max scored those points, he took Victoria into Düsseldorf. They bought the bag together. Victoria has been lugging her Vuitton everywhere ever since. That makes Max happy, I can see that. The bag has emotional value for him too: it symbolizes those first points."

She: employee at the OCMW. Her son: 'rising star' in Monaco. "Does Max earn a lot of money? A lot, yes. But he has a manager, who helps him manage that. That's good. Max recently missed his plane. He immediately booked a new ticket. I, with my salary, wouldn't be able to do that. But I'm glad he can, and still manages to be careful with his money. On Mother's Day, he suddenly showed up at the door. He had a surprise. He knew I was looking for a new small car. He took me to the dealership that day and bought me a car. He said: 'Mum, for everything you've done for me.' I can see him doing that for his sister someday. She recently wanted to see him drive in Bahrain. Then he said: 'Your ticket is ready, sister.' It's nice that he does that. He doesn't have to. But it's his way of giving something back." On Thursday, Max was on Belgian soil for 24 hours: the moment when Sophie could finally hold him. "I asked: Max, you're coming, aren't you? He said: 'Of course, mom. Will you cook me something nice?' I made carpaccio, a salad and some pasta. And for dessert: his guilty pleasure. Top sports always means dieting, but what is one Kinder chocolate? There are always some in the cupboard for him."

Next week Max faces his next challenge: the Monaco Grand Prix. Sophie is going to watch and is bringing a few family members along - motorsport is in the Kumpens' blood, Sophie is the niece of racer Anthony Kumpen. "Max sets the bar high. He crashed in Monaco last year. There was criticism about that. 'Wasn't he too young?' He thinks he has something to prove now. And I know: he doesn't necessarily need his mother for that. But I do enjoy being there for him."

"And. Uh. It gives me the chance to also go and see his apartment. I decorated it at the time. Going to have a look. Whether that young man of eighteen hasn't made a mess of it." (laughs)

[dracowars]

of kings and queens | halbrand

pairing: halbrand x númenorean!princess!reader

word count: 6,6k

summary: where halbrand and y/n are forced to marry and he unveils a world she's only ever dreamed of

a/n: how do i manage to make it longer every time you ask?? i have no idea, i just go with the flow & suddenly i'm at 6k~ i have been struggeling with this one but i'm proud of how it ultimately turned out!! feedback is always appreciated and thank you for all the love <3

warnings: angst, forced marriage, panic attack, mentions of sickness, soft sauron

universe: the rings of power

"I won't marry a stranger!", you loudly cry out in anger and slam your fists on the table with all your might, the sheer force of it causing some of the parchments to fall to the marble floor.

"He is no stranger. He is the King of the Southlands", your sister, Queen-Regent Míriel, tells you matter-of-factly.

"Who told you that? The elf?", you spit out, the blood running through your veins seething with anger. "Just a few days have gone by since he was detained in one of our cells, and now he is being hailed as a long-lost king? Do you even listen to yourself?"

"Sister-"

"Don't 'sister' me right now."

Míriel takes a deep breath, resting her weight on the table with both arms, and lowers her head as if she needs a moment to avoid lashing out on you in the same manner you are currently displaying.

"Listen. A marriage like this would rekindle and strengthen the bond between the people of Middle-earth and our kind for generations to come", she explains, her voice calm, but you know her well enough to notice that she has to pull herself together.

"Very well, go ahead and marry him then", you counter and give her a challenging look, the one you have been giving her since you were children. "Why should I be the one to suffer?"

"As the Princess of Númenor, it is your duty to prioritize the welfare of your people over your own!", she yells at you now, her nostrils flaring. You'd be lying if you said you didn't flinch a little when she raised her voice. Usually, it takes longer to unsettle her.

Elendil, who is standing at the large doors to the room, also seems a little shocked. As the two exchange a tender look, however, Míriel's features relax again and she straightens up, slipping back into the role of the wise, majestic Queen-Regent of Númenor.

"I won't accept no for an answer", she tells you, all calm and collected again. No trace left of your loving sister whom you loved so much.

"You have held me captive within these castle's walls for longer than I know and now you wish to ship me off like that?", you scoff in disbelief, crossing your arms in front of your chest, trying to mask how much she's hurting you right now.

"You wanted freedom. Here I am granting it to you."

"This is not freedom", you express your words through gritted teeth, your eyes burning with tears as your words have no effect on Míriel. "You think you can still control me like a child. But you no longer hold any power over me. I won't let you dictate the course of my life."

To emphasize your point, you grab the unassuming tiara adorning your head, smaller and thus in stark contrast to your sister's, and forcefully hurl it to her feet. Several small diamonds come loose and the sound of them scattering around the marble floor makes you shiver.

"I don't care who he is", you say angrily, your hands clenched into fists at your sides while Míriel only looks at you in shock, her eyes wide. "I won't marry someone I don't know, let alone love."

With these final words, you turn away and walk towards the door, which Elendil quickly opens for you. On his face, you clearly see that he feels sorry about how this whole situation expired. But you don't need his pity.

You stomp out angrily, holding back your tears, your pulse pounding in your ears. You have never told her what you think before. You have always done what she asked of you, been a good little sister because you can only imagine the burden she is carrying. But today she has crossed a line.

When you turn around in the hallway one last time, catching a glimpse of Míriel through the closing door, you see Elendil carefully approaching her to comfort her. From this perspective, she looks exhausted, hurt even. But all you feel towards her is anger. You can't help but roll your eyes and release a heavy breath of air from your lungs.

Undoubtedly, that is the reason why she wants you to marry Lord Halbrand. Because her heart is already taken.

You think back to times when you would have been overjoyed, when you would have been genuinely happy for her. You two would have lain on soft pillows and talked about everything, every little detail. Now, you can find none of these feelings inside of you.

Completely lost in your thoughts, you walk through the large halls of the castle, your home. A home that feels much more like a prison. With your head low, you turn a corner and suddenly collide with a hard wall. Caught off guard, you stumble back until a hand closes around your wrist and holds you tight.

You forget to breathe for a moment when your gaze meets his.

"Whoa there. Where are you headed, my lady?", Lord Halbrand asks you in surprise, a gentle smile on his face as he holds you close, his touch on your skin burning. As soon as you notice this, you break free from his grip and take your distance, smoothing down your dress, which he only comments on with a frown.

He is the last person you want to talk to right now.

"Are you all right?", he asks you with concern in his voice, making you realize that you haven't given him an answer and just stood there in silence. In fact, you don't really have anything to say to him. You just wish he would go back to Middle-earth where he belongs.

"Yes", you finally answer, coldly and curtly. "Now if you'll excuse me."

You walk past him, your shoulders almost touching, and listen to your own loud footsteps echoing through the halls as you walk down the corridor.

"Your demeanour leads me to believe that the Queen-Regent informed you of our plans", his voice calls after you, suddenly bringing you to an abrupt halt.

Our plans? That means they have been talking about this behind your back for who knows how long. You were deemed to lose from the beginning. As always.

"She did", you say, slowly turning around and towards him. He hasn't moved from the spot where you left him moments ago, but his presence fills the entire hallway anyway.

The way he stands there and looks at you, as if you were fragile and pitiable, makes the anger inside of you boil up once more and you walk towards him. Instead of taking a step back, however, he takes one towards you so that he is now towering over you with all his height.

"Listen to my words: I don't know what exactly you hope to achieve with this.. marriage. But it will never happen. I will not marry you", you tell him clearly, emphasizing the last words by poking your index finger into his chest. You don't give him time to answer, but as you turn around you notice the knowing grin that plays around his lips.

You decide not to respond to this and move away from him entirely. As soon as you turn into the next corridor, you finally feel like you can breathe again. At least as much as is possible for you within these walls.

You haven't been able to breathe properly in here for a long time.

You walk to your room, two guards posted on either side of the massive doors, and let yourself through without a word. Once inside, you find your way directly to the balcony, which overlooks the entire city and the harbour. The wind blows through your hair and creates a sad smile on your lips. From up here, you can hear nothing but the wind, the people frolicking down there nothing more than tiny black dots. A single tear finds its way down your cheek and you don't bother to wipe it away. Rather, you are amazed that you can even cry at all after all the tears you have already shed here.

You don't know if it is at that moment, or before, when you threw your crown at Míriel's feet, but you make a decision.

With a goal in mind, you go back inside, into the huge room you call your own and search through several closets until you find what you are looking for. You swap your beautifully ornamented dress for a more simple one, get rid of all your jewelry and put your hair into a casual updo. On the way to the door, your own reflection briefly looks back at you from the mirror across the room and you pause as you look at yourself.

Nothing is left of the little girl who once had dreams and pursued goals.

Taking another deep breath, you open the door and step out. The guards bow, as they always do when they see you.

"I'm going to pay a visit to my father", you explain to them, which they confirm with a short nod. They are about to follow you, but seem to remember that you are now allowed to walk around without guards constantly at your side, at least within the castle's walls. A change that hasn't been in effect for very long.

Nevertheless, you quicken your pace once you are out of their reach, afraid that they will decide to follow you after all. On your way, you make sure to avoid the maids and other guards, hiding behind corners, holding your breath. When you finally arrive at the stairs to the tower that lead up to your father, you stop hesitantly. But it only takes a moment, remembering your conversation with Míriel and all the other terrible events of the past, for you to regain your strength and turn away. With quick steps, you take the next set of stairs that lead down.

As you arrive in corridors that lead to the kitchen and staff facilities, you pay close attention to every little noise. Your heart is pounding so hard against your chest that you feel like it can be heard echoing throughout the corridors. You put your shaking hands against the spot where your heart is and try to calm yourself down. You've never tried to break out of this prison before, you always thought you were here for your own good. But you know better now. The thought of the outside world, which you have encountered so rarely in your life, scares you beyond belief either way.

Your sister's words still roam around your mind, making you clench your fists, until you gather up all your courage. Finally, you make it out of one of the doors, out into the fresh air that greets you lovingly.

However, you have no time to linger and quickly move forward, with careful steps as not to alert anyone. As you walk, you pull a cloth out of the corset of your dress that you had previously hidden there. In one swift motion, you pull it over your head and hide your face behind the fabric, only your eyes visible now.

With these safety measures in place, you make your way to the harbour, away from the castle. The entrances for the staff are guarded, but because of your disguise they let you pass. Once you slip past them, you are immediately surprised by the number of people walking through the streets. The sun is already setting on the horizon and the warm light of lanterns illuminates the alleyways.

With a gentle smile, you watch as two children whirl around, holding dolls that they chase each other with. You follow the mass of people who probably want to celebrate the end of their day in one of the taverns. The closer you get to the center of the city, the market square, the louder and more crowded it becomes. You hear them talking, laughing with each other, arguments are being settled, some young girls dance in the middle of a crowd of people who happily watch and applaud.

Despite the positive and joyful atmosphere, you are overcome by a feeling of sadness and sorrow all of a sudden. These people are your people - and you never get to see them. They don't get to see you unless they enter the castle, and that is something only a few people are allowed to do, reserved especially for the nobles and those of higher rank. But what makes you even sadder is the fact that very few of them even care for you. You are second in line to the throne. Once your father leaves this world, Míriel will be their Queen. Accordingly, interest in you is quite low. You are not even sure they would recognize you if you took off your disguise.

The sad truth is that they wouldn't, and that hurts more than you thought. And these are the people you are supposed to give your life for.

Suddenly everything becomes too much for you. Your ears are ringing, your heart is pounding, your whole body is shaking. No matter where you look, there are crowds of people everywhere. You feel small, constricted, helpless. You are carelessly pushed to the side, shoved forward. Your feet are stepped on, no one apologizes. You try to break out of the crowd, but your head is spinning and you no longer know which direction to go. Your breathing is getting faster and louder by the second. Nobody notices, nobody shows even the slightest hint of interest in you.

When you feel your legs giving way beneath you, you are suddenly grabbed by the arm and pulled into an alley.

You are terrified when you realize that you cannot defend yourself, your body is completely frozen and does not listen to your commands. Only when you feel a gentle hand on your cheek - the cloth must have come loose in all the chaos - and look up do you let out a breath that you didn't even know you were holding in. Lord Halbrand is standing in front of you, his face painted in concern as he looks you up and down.

"What are you doing out here all alone, Princess?", he asks and quickly grabs a hold of your shoulder as you start to drift away again, your legs no longer able to hold you upright. Exhausted, you lean against the stone wall behind you and close your eyes. You don't like that he sees you like this. On the other hand, he just saved you and prevented you from fainting in the middle of a crowd.

"I.. don't know", you whisper in defeat and it takes all your strength to admit it.

"What were you even thinking?", he says quietly, more to himself than to you. It feels like he doesn't want to scold you, but on the other hand he also does want to.

You look into his eyes, his face bathed in warm light from the soft candlelight of the lanterns around you. The wounds that are covering his skin have slowly healed, but even in this dim light you still notice them. Only now, when staring at him, do you realize that he is distracting you from all the noise and hustle, faded into the background.

"Come. I'll escort you back to the castle", he finally offers, his hands still on your shoulders as if he doesn't dare let go of you, afraid that you'll drift into the darkness at any moment.

Once again, you don't react and only stare at him, making the worry on his face deepen. In the meantime, you just can't wrap your head around how a Southlander like him, a low man, who barely knows you and who you've met with nothing but hatred, is worried about you while the people around you, your kind, are far away from even remotely caring about you.

"Can you walk on your own?", he asks, and when you finally nod in agreement, he lets go of you. But not for long, because after he puts the cloth back in its place to cover your features one of his hands wraps around yours and holds it tightly in his grip as he pulls you behind him, up several steps that lead further away from the cheerful scene.

You are grateful that he doesn't ask any questions, doesn't want to know why you were out here in the first place.

"Thank you."

That makes him pause for a moment and his hand applies a little more pressure on yours. In response, he turns to you with a gentle smile and lowers his head in resignation.

For some inexplicable reason, your heart suddenly skips a beat. He doesn't seem to notice the change in your face, however, and walks on. Together you make your way through the winding streets and you are amazed at how well he already knows his way around. You have to admit that it also hurts. After just a few days he's already more familiar with this city than you are.

You can already see the entrance to the castle when Lord Halbrand halts in his step, forcing you to stop as well. Turning to you, he steps closer and lifts your hand. Then, he gently places his other hand on top of it.

"I don't know what you were doing out there", he starts, looking from your hand between his to your eyes. "But rest assured that I'll keep it to myself."

The relief you feel in that moment is indescribable. If your sister found out you had escaped, she would surely reinforce all safety measure to protect you. This feeling doesn't last long, however, when another emotion suddenly overshadows it once he continues speaking.

"A princess like you doesn't belong out here."

He may not notice it, but these words hurt you deeply and make your eyes burn with tears within seconds. Without hesitation, you snatch your hand from him and put some distance between you by taking a few steps back. Your knees still feel weak, but you don't let it show. Lord Halbrand's face meets yours with incomprehension as you do so.

"I know where I belong", you spit out angrily and straighten up. For a moment you actually thought there might be more hidden beneath his facade. Oh, how wrong you were.

With these last words, you leave him standing there and walk the last few meters to the castle without him. Once again, you sneak through the staff quarters into the castle. Although you don't want to admit it, the walls suddenly give you comfort, making you feel safe and protected.

You quickly blink away a few tears and return to your chambers, where you go straight to bed. Even though you are incredibly exhausted and drained, you don't sleep all night. You toss and turn in the sheets, your mind plagued by nightmares until you hear the birds outside singing.

════════════

Annoyed, you slam the door to your chambers shut behind you and lean against it with a huff. Then you slide down to the cold ground and pull your knees closer to you, hugging them against your body.

Once again you tried to talk to your sister. Once again she dismissed your words as if they were worthless.

And that's exactly how you feel right now: worthless. Born into a life that brings you nothing but suffering and pain.

Ever since you were born, you were the one who would never ascend the throne. Who would never rule. And you never wanted to. You would never want to be your sister. But right now, you wish that you were both just born into a normal family, with no wealth or power. At the end of the day, she is still your big sister, the one who has always watched over you. Your mother dead, your father long bedridden - she is the only family you have left.

You miss the times when everything was peaceful. Happy times long gone when two sisters were inseparable. But the years made you believe that this world is not made for anyone to be happy.

You lower your head and let the sadness wash over you like waves finally bringing down a ship, and tears stream down your cheeks. Your body shakes, but you hold back any sobs, crying in silence.

You don't know how long you sat there, alone with your thoughts, the very last tear leaving your eye, but eventually something catches your attention. Something that reflects the light from across the room, lying on your vanity table that wasn't there when you left in the morning. Slowly, you get up and walk over, only to discover a beautiful brooch on top of a small piece of parchment. The design is that of a sun and the brooch is decorated with white and blue diamonds. It's breathtaking to look at.

You glance at the black ink on the parchment and your heart involuntarily jumps once more. The words read: 'Forgive me'.

When you suddenly hear footsteps behind you, however, you don't have time to think about these words any further. In one quick movement, you take an ornate dagger out of one of the drawers and turn in the direction of the noises. What you don't expect, however, is that Lord Halbrand emerges from the shadows behind your bed.

"H-How did you get in here? Who let you in?", you ask, out of breath, your heart pounding. The dagger in your hand is still raised, even as he approaches you. He doesn't say anything, however, just stands in front of you and slowly grabs your hand, which is tightly gripping the weapon. He lowers your joined hands and carefully removes the dagger from your grip, leaning over you to gently place it on the table.

"I was uncertain if my apology would be deemed acceptable, hence I wanted to see you in person to make sure", his soft voice sounds in your ear and sends a shiver down your spine. He is definitely too close to you right now and even though you'd never admit it, it doesn't feel uncomfortable. You look straight into his shining eyes which are not quite blue and not quite green but something in the middle. You swallow because the intensity in his gaze leaves you speechless.

"Get off me", you manage to croak out, sounding anything but convincing. Lord Halbrand notices this too, a smirk playing around his lips.

"I know you don't mean that, Princess. And that, deep down, you have already forgiven me", he breathes in a deeper voice than before and brushes a strand of hair from your face. In an instant, you grab his wrist and stop him from touching you any further. Because you know exactly what his touch does to you. And you simply cannot and do not want to acknowledge that you like what he does.

So far, every encounter with him was exhilarating, thrilling, like you were finally embarking on a long-awaited adventure. He awakens feelings you have kept locked away for a long time, sealed behind thick iron bars. Brick by brick, he slowly destroys the protective walls you have built around your heart.

It scares you.

"Lord Halbrand", you say more seriously now and stare directly into his beautiful eyes while he does not even try to free himself from your grip. "Get out of this room or I will call the guards and have you removed."

At that threat, Lord Halbrand lets out a quiet chuckle and removes his hand from your tight grip with ease.

"Before long, I will become your husband. It's time for you to get used to my presence, my lady", he states and the fury that rises in your eyes at his words is unmistakable. "I am aware that this.. arrangement may not be something you look forward to, but I suggest that you begin to come to terms with it. I fear you have no choice but to agree."

"Don't do this", you plead, and even though you try your best to hide it, your body trembles and your eyes fill with tears. The realization that he is telling the truth makes you feel sick to your stomach. Not wanting him to see your obvious discomfort, you turn your head away, lowering it in the process.

The next moment, however, you are unexpectedly pulled forward and suddenly feel two strong, muscular arms around you. Lord Halbrand hugs you as if his life depended on it. You can't even remember the last time someone hugged you. Especially not like this.

The slight scent of sea salt and smoke greets you and you have to admit that his embrace makes you feel safe, comfortable even. With his arms pressing you against his firm body tenderly, he manages to stop your body from shaking and your head from spinning. Right now, it's just you and Lord Halbrand. No could-haves, no would-haves.

The fact that you are no longer averse to his proximity scares you an immeasurable amount. That is also the reason why, in the next second, you push him away with all your strength, your hands on his hard chest.

"Please, Lord Halbrand. I need you to leave", you almost beg him and when his hand clasps yours on his chest, you look up at him and suddenly feel seen. The way he looks at you is unlike anyone has ever looked at you before.

"Your wish is my command, Princess", he nods and lifts your hand to his mouth, where he places a feather-light kiss on the back of your hand before he walks back to the large doors to your chamber, not taking his eyes off you. You also watch him and wait for him to finally leave you.

"Leave out the Lord next time", is the last thing he says before he disappears.

As soon as you see the door slam shut behind him, however, you run over with quick steps. Only when you get there and reach for the door handle do you stop yourself. What has gotten into you? Overwhelmed by the emotions flowing through your body all at once, you lean your forehead against the door in defeat.

After staying there for a while and taking several deep breaths to calm your rapidly pounding heart, you walk over to the brooch that is still shining at you from the table. Carefully, you place the fragile thing in the palm of your hand and examine it when you suddenly hear a whistle.

Wondering where it came from, you step out onto your balcony and see a few ships leaving the bay in the distance. But your attention is quickly drawn to the person standing in the courtyard a few meters below, looking up at you. You don't have to look twice to know that it is Halbrand.

"Give us a chance", he calls up to you and even from this distance you can see the bright smile on his face. Then he turns around and disappears under one of the archways.

Holding the brooch tightly to your heart, you can't believe that a soft smile creeps onto your lips.

════════════

"His Lordship Halbrand has requested to see you, my lady", one of the guards announces as you step out of your chambers the next morning. The mention of his name makes your heart skip a beat and you straighten up immediately.

"Then I shouldn't keep him waiting", you reply gracefully and let the guard accompany you to the place where Halbrand wants to meet you. You wouldn't have expected this to be the inner courtyard, though. And even less that he would be waiting for you there with two saddled horses.

"I hope you had a good night's sleep, my lady", Halbrand greets you with a gentle smile and notices that your steps immediately slow down when you see him with the horses. "Rest assured, Princess. I have consulted with the Queen-Regent regarding this matter. With her approval, I am permitted to accompany you on a brief ride. If that is what you wish, of course."

You pause entirely. You can't believe he convinced your sister to let you leave the castle, and with only Halbrand as your company as well. On the other hand, you've gotten a sense of how charming and persuasive he can be in the last few days.

Smiling, he holds out the reins of a white mare that is standing calmly next to him. Still a little unsure about the whole situation, you take the reins and stroke the horse gently, but don't take your eyes off Halbrand.

"H-How?", you ask him in disbelief. You can't help but think back to how often you have begged your sister to finally let you leave the castle. The fact that she is allowing this now makes you a little suspicious, but you certainly won't question her motives if it means that you can experience freedom once more, even if only for a few hours.

"We have to be back by sunset", Halbrand winks at you and comes closer, making you take a step back instinctively. When he reaches out his hand, you realize that he just wants to help you onto the mare, so you put your hand in his. Once you feel his calloused, rough yet soft hand, a pleasant feeling flows through you and when you sit upon the mare's back, you feel like you could conquer the world. He mounts his black horse as well and together you lead the horses out of the gate.

You turn around, your eyes fixed on the castle and the guards who make no move to follow you. A sense of relief flows through your body at once. Side by side, you make it out of the city and as soon as you leave the border of the capital, you are greeted by vast meadows and fields, grass gently swaying in the wind.

It doesn't take long before you get your horses galloping over the fields. Your white mare is a little faster than his horse, but you hardly even notice. You can only concentrate on the wind blowing through your hair, letting your dress float gently behind you. The air feels liberating and you are amazed at the beauty of nature, the beauty of the island you call home but have seen so little of.

A little later you reach a white sandy beach, the waves calm, seagulls squalling in the distance. The sea suddenly smells completely different from what you are used to and you can't help but smile.

If this is what freedom feels like, you won't ever go back.

Finally, you bring your horse to a stop on the shore, scratching her head, and turn to Halbrand, who stops his stallion right in front of you. Your hair is all tousled by the wind, but Halbrand smiles at you so genuinely that your cheeks flush. Without saying a word, you hop off your mare's back and bend down to bury your hands in the sand. As Halbrand dismounts, you quickly take off your shoes, lift up the fabric of your dress a little, and wade into the shallow water, which laps warmly against your skin.

You can't remember the last time you felt the ocean. As a Númenorean, you are connected to the sea on a deeper level and it feels like, right now, it's showing you how much it's missed you, like you're reuniting with an old friend. The sun is high above you, warming your skin as you close your eyes and enjoy the moment. Then you jump around the water playfully and with so much joy you haven't felt since you were a child.

Until you meet Halbrand's gaze. He is still standing where you left him, the reins of both horses in his hand, watching you enjoy yourself with so much affection in his eyes that you want nothing more than to run to him and fall into his arms, chasing the exhilarating feeling he gave you the day before.

Shyly, you slowly walk back to him through the ankle-deep water, your dress a little wet at the bottom.

"Enjoying yourself?", he asks with a smile, one hand scratching his horse behind the ears as he looks you up and down with sparkling eyes.

"Not exactly princess-like behaviour now, is it?", you shrug, eliciting a chuckle from him that gives you goosebumps and makes your heart beat faster.

"If you want my humble opinion: I think it's exactly how a princess should behave", he replies, the wrinkles around his eyes from smiling making him even more handsome in your eyes. "You shouldn't have to hide from the world."

"I wish I could come here more often", you sigh, ignoring his statement, your mood suddenly burdened by the thought that this moment of freedom will not last long and you will soon find yourself locked up inside the walls of the castle again. Halbrand's expression matches yours, but his gaze lays you bare. Feeling weak, you turn away. You stumble through the sand and finally flop onto the ground on a small dune, neatly placing your shoes next to you. Halbrand leaves the horses in your sight and joins you, sitting just a few meters next to you, your elbows touching.

For a while, neither of you says anything and you just stare out at the waves, which radiate a certain calm.

"As a child, I was very sick. An unidentified illness that was brought over from the continent. Despite having overcome it, I remained in a very weak state, requiring assistance with everything. I was not allowed to go out neither were people allowed to see me for fear of infecting me again. I was always surrounded by guards", you explain, your voice strong, but you have to pull yourself together not to sob. "Míriel was the only one who stood by my side, who made my time a little more bearable. Since our father.. has fallen sick, my sister feels even more responsible for my safety and, just like him, doesn't let me go out. She says it's for my own good and I once believed that, a long time ago. But now I doubt her concern is rooted in anything else than her own fear of losing me."

As soon as the last words leave your lips, you feel free. Free from the burden of not being able to tell anyone. But saying it out loud makes it feel so much more real. Still, pride fills you that you didn't shed a single tear. Halbrand, who was hanging on your every word, looks at you not with pity or sadness, but with a smile.

"Thank you for confiding in me. I can hardly imagine how hard that must have been for you", he tells you, speaking as if all of this is no longer your present. Maybe it's not right now, but it will be once you return.

"I have been wondering why you were locked up inside your whole life", he mutters to himself and takes a handful of sand, letting it trickle through his fingers. "And despite the prospect of freedom, you are against this marriage?"

His words hit you harder than they should, because you have to admit that you haven't given it a thought since yesterday.

"It's about her treating me like I'm a commodity that can be sold for a price", you answer, anger rising inside of you at the thought. "Either she keeps me here and risks a war or she finally lets me leave, with the ulterior motive that I at least bring some added value to Númenor. Besides, no one ever said that I would come with you once we were married."

"You think she would keep you here?", Halbrand asks, astonished. When you nod, something like determination paints his features.

"I won't allow that."

"I fear none of us will have much say in this", you sigh, exhausted and defeated, absentmindedly playing with the sand now as well. "I'm sorry you have to put up with a princess who knows nothing about this world, let alone has seen anything-"

"Don't say that", Halbrand interrupts you firmly, his eyebrows drawn together as if it physically hurts him to hear such words coming from your mouth. "You are perfect in my eyes, Princess."

You are glad he can't see the way your heart has started beating faster. What he can see, however, is the blush rising to your cheeks, which you quickly try to hide by turning your head away, pulling your knees closer to you.

"I feel like no one has ever told you how beautiful you are. In every way", he continues and you are startled when you feel his hand on your chin, gently turning your face back to him. You find it difficult to look at him, his eyes are looking at you so intensely that you no longer know which way is up and which way is down.

"Lord Halb-"

"What did I tell you about the Lord?", he chuckles, shaking his head at your cute behaviour. He loves the colour of pink your cheeks have taken on and how your eyes search his for any sign that he is lying, but you find nothing but the truth in them.

"When I told you that a princess like you doesn't belong here, I meant that a princess like you, who should be a queen, doesn't belong on this island, isolated from the world", Halbrand whispers, his hand moving from your chin to your cheek, where he gently strokes your heated skin with his thumb. "You belong in the very middle of it."

"N-No. I could never be a queen, I was not born for that", you explain, confident in your own words because it's all you have ever heard in your entire life; you would never be queen.

"I will make you a queen", he replies and the conviction with which he says this, the affection that resonates in his words and his features, makes you believe in his words. You desperately want to believe them.

"I promise I will not go without bringing you along", he assures you, holding your face in both of his hands now, his face so close to yours that you only have to lean forward a little to taste his lips. Halbrand notices this too, his gaze wanders to your lips and back to your eyes, which meet his almost pleadingly. As soon as you slightly nod, he connects your lips in a gentle but longing kiss. You gasp, never having been kissed before. Your heart feels like it will jump out of your chest at any moment, the sound of the waves blurs with your heartbeat and your hands get lost in his hair.

The kiss only lasts a few seconds, both of you having to catch your breath, but you don't want to let go of him. You have no idea what this man, this inconspicuous King of the Southlands, is doing to you, but you don't want to think about it because all you know is that you finally feel like yourself again, a feeling that seems so familiar yet unknown.

"I promise I will make you a queen and if it's the last thing I do", Halbrand tells you once more, leaning his forehead against yours before leaving a gentle kiss on the side of your mouth. Smiling up at him, you waste no time to wrap your arms around his neck and connect your lips in another kiss.

You will be his queen. And then you will finally be free.

[lookoutjoe]

now this is a song for all of yall that ever had one of them days you know where you wake up with a b52 hangover and your woman is whopping you on the side of your head with a pillow that feels like a baseball bat and she's saying IF YOU STAY OUT DRUNK WITH THOSE PEOPLE YOU CALL YOUR FRIENDS UNTIL FIVE O CLOCK IN THE MORNING ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING HIT MY ASS ON DOWN THE ROAD. yes good morning dear. so you go into the backyard and put the garden hose over the top of your head. going oh god oh god. and you look over and your dog… has died. and i mean, this is a fine bird, man, he can find birds (idk what he's saying here sorry) he can find birds in queens, you know? so you hop in your short (?) and you're beating it for the welfare office right and you see in the rear view window the repro man coming. thats going to cop your car. you just lucked out of that. anyways, down at the place where you get your cheque you got to face one of them poverty pimps right. and she's saying (incoherent mumbling) yes m'am of course oh no of course i would never do anything like that yes thank you very much. bitch. i mean its bad enough that you got to go ask(?) someone 'cause you can't find no job least ways they could teach you to put a little dignity you know what i mean? anyway you figure its time to go back to the house and make things right with your woman. well. in front of your house is a sheriff's car. and there is a man who says. so. andrew j thompson is that you? yes, uh, i have a writ here from shelby county tennessee says you owe three and a half months back alimony on your first wife plus uh penalties and child support. uh. you have ten days to give me, uh… yeah uh 27 hundred thousand dollars or you're going to jail. OW! i mean that's some RUDE SHIT you know what i'm saying? so about this time you just say FUCK IT. and go on down to your favourite watering hole and you crawl up the side of and down into the middle of. and proceed to drown in a bottle of OLD. CROW. BOURBON. DRINKING. WHISKEY. YES. i mean we don't want the fancy stuff man we want to get the job done. you ain't carrying no weapons so you know you ain't gonna get into any trouble, right? as long as you remember how to RUN. it only takes you an hour and half before you start seriously going (slurring) ahhh can i have another one? i dont have i think ive had too much drink… what do you. mannnn. what do you mean man. mannnnn. i had a terrible day! (returns to normal voice) bartender's saying "i dont care if its only ten oclock its last call for you". about this time, this fine, i mean super fine foxy looking woman with the long legs and the hair down to here, flapping her baby blues comes STROLLING by. and you say, OW! and you sobers right quick, right. but having failed the third grade you say something to the effect of: "Are, uh, um. You, uh?" what you really wanna say is, uh, "hey baby. hey why dont you come over and have a drink with me. you alright? yeah, ain't nothing to it. oh, you're just passing through town? mhm. oh, he did? with twenty dollars? in las vegas? well how did you get- no, i ain't gonna ask that. uh, i'm just passing through myself, you know. anyway. sit down and lets you know get right. yo, okay. my, youre fine looking darling. ohh. ohh! hey what'd you say your name was again, yeah?" and this is the song that you wish was playing on the jukebox. cause it's got your whole story. ♬ I was lonesome as I could be...

[shini--chan]

How would England and China react to s/o finding out they killed or staged there child's death just because the child wasn't theirs and the s/o becomes either insane or kills themselves because of it?

Not gonna go all the way to that last one. Trigger warning: forced separation, child death, suicidal ideation, emotional abuse, suicide attempt

Yandere Hetalia - China, England (Heart Blood) 

China

“Don’t you think that you are overreacting a bit?”, he asked over the howling wind. 

Yao was thankful that he had elected to still keep his hair tied back once returning from work. Though, it wasn’t like he had had a lot of time and opportunity to settle down - he had noticed you standing on the edge of the roof when pulling into the parking lot. With the momentary surge of panic that sight had inflicted upon him, he had gone bounding into the house and taking the quickest route to the top. 

You turned to him, loose hair whipping into your eyes. Still, the tear stains on your checks were visible and your eyes were red rimmed. Your lips were pressed tightly together and upturned to a grimace. Finally, you opened your mouth and whispered some words into the wind. 

“What did you say?”, he inquired, having not heard you. 

“You made me believe my child is dead! How dare you! You monster! Wasn’t that overreacting? Am I not allowed to be a mother?”, you ranted, obviously heartbroken. You hadn’t taken the news of your child’s demise well, so when you found out it had been all staged, your reaction had been even worse. 

Yao had left you alone at home today after a contentious discussion at the breakfast table, intent on getting some room to breathe and then resolving the matter. For all intents and purposes, you had other ideas. 

Lost in your grief and the feeling of betrayal, you shut your mouth and turned back to the ledge of the roof and leaned forward. Best end this all before the pain grew all the more. 

However, upon realising the imminent danger you were putting yourself in, he immediately sprung to action. A deft hand grabbed you by the collar of your pullover and harshly tugged your back. 

A gagging sound was forced out of your mouth by the violent change in motion and by the collar pressing into your windpipe and trachea. Skin was scraped open as your shins were dragged over the rough concrete of the ledge. You collided with his chest, and he stumbled backwards with you haphazardly locked in his arms. You weren’t going to die; not on his watch. 

China would use the whole incident and your reaction against you. He would argue that you’re unstable and therefore unsuited to be the legal guardian of anybody. Removing the child from your care would have just been a measure to ensure everybody’s welfare, the same applying to his decision of presenting the child’s absence as death to you. You attempting to take your own life would just play into this narrative. 

Once the attempt would be over, he would have you locked up in a psychiatric ward for a few weeks. The staff there would be under strict instruction to not give you a chance of tracking the passage of time or following the events of the outside world in any capacity. This would serve to take away some semblance of reality from you. Yao would have the intention of forcing you to adopt a coping mechanism, with something relatively non-destructive like depersonalisation/derealisation being preferable to other mechanisms like forming addictions or the like. 

Would use the fact that you were institutionalised to undermine your social standing, and to present himself as generous and optimistic and so smitten with you. Since it wouldn’t be actual insanity, he would have the opportunity to quickly reintroduce you to society and garner respect and esteem due to playing such an important role in your “recovery”.  

England

You were in bed, again. In Arthur’s high opinion, this was slowly getting way out of hand. Idleness was only a good look on the ill, and you were perfectly healthy in his eyes. Of course, the events of the past few weeks had been hard on you, it was expected for you to give in to grief. After finding traces of his responsibility in the death of your child, it was understandable that you were upset; not that that would be tolerated any longer though. 

Arthur stood up, and set the newspaper he had been reading to the side. Then, he went over to the window and ripped the curtains open. Back on the bed, you just blinked a few times due to the changes in lighting and then went back to staring blankly ahead. What a pity, even some noises of protest would have been preferable to your non-reaction. 

With a scowl plastered on his face, he strode over to your side, and wrenched one of your arms up. Quiet muttering commenced, just to taper off after a few seconds. Disappointing. 

“Can you really not say anything of meaning anymore?”, he spat at you and then wrenched you out of bed. You crumbled to the floor in a sorry heap, seemingly not conscientious of any pain inflicted. 

When you still didn’t move a single muscle even after a few minutes, he wriggled his arms underneath your armpits and hoisted you into the air. Next, he wrapped an arm around your waist to prevent you from falling in on yourself again, as you seemed so wont to do. 

A calloused hand grasped your face, and forced you to look at him. Not that it helped much, from the looks of it, with your bovine stare and flat affect. 

“Can’t you be more useless”, he remarked snidely. 

Arthur would find the whole affair very annoying. You just had to be clever enough to find out about his involvement in your child’s murder and you just had to be so sensitive to fall to insanity/catonia. At first, he would think that it is merely something that you need to snap out of, and proceed to wait. Maybe he’ll even be able to catch you red-handed at being “normal”. When that doesn’t occur, then he’ll go down the route of trying to provoke a reaction out of you. 

While he would love the fact that you aren’t cursing him out, or trying to run away anymore, your predicament would be the cause of a different frustration for him. Never had been wanted an inanimate object as a love interest. You are supposed to have a measure of your own agency, provided you heed his whims and desires. 

Would try to cure you or even just force you to become more reactive through a mixture of drugs that provoke/suppress certain emotions. In continuation, he would use any ensuing addictions to have tighter control over you. 

[messenger-of-stupidity]

NAH NAH NAH

Okay. Let's go through the thoughts of this latest update. There's a lot so buckle up buttercup.

1. Kravitas is literally so based. He's willing to spare Albus the suffering of long travel just because he's bored when typically he would enjoy Albus suffering.

2. Only Albus would risk insanity to spite a demon. Ever heard of cutting off your nose to spite your face, Albus? Seriously, these dude shot himself out of a fucking canon to stop Devlin from touching this hella cursed sword, but in typical Albus fashion when it's his safety and emotional welfare at stake common sense flies out the gods be damned window.

4. Is Kravitas really a demon or was his statement last episode about being more than that the truth that Albus just chose to call bullshit on?

5. Kerano, sweetie, if you don't like the sweater you don't gotta be nice to me and lie. Tis okay

6. Dad is back with his video of a casual demon attack. A normal Thursday. You'd think violence could slow enough for Faithful to get some groceries but I guess not.

7. AN ADULT TALK? EXCUSE ME? also yes now shoo child.

8. Guess I'll just go in a bunker and braid some hair or some shit. Whatever.

9. Don't you love it when the father figure of your child is so obsessed with transformers that he turns into a robot? (Yes I know he didn't turn into a robot. It just sounded kind of robotic in my head and it was funny.

10. What's the song called? It was kind of a vibe.

11. Oh my God we're raising a menace, thief, AND a liar. Where did we go wrong? 😭 Also can Faithful read minds? She was able to hear Kerano's mind about a key or something before Kerano had it, and was able to read the thoughts after that.

12. Move aside, Faithful is coming through like a badass. Hold the child

13. Oh neat. Both Albus and I have yelling voices in our head. 🥲

14. "I AM THE GREATEST GOOD YOURE EVER GONNA GET" - Faithful 2023

15. IS HE CUTTING OFF HIS HAND?! KERANO LOOK AWAY

16. Are... Are you seriously gonna make me choose between my two husbands right now? WHERES MY POLY OPTION? (Albus and Devlin in strictly familial relationship with each other. No condoning incest here)

-Branch-

Albus Route:

- yeah u tell him Devlin! How dare he try to reject us after saying it was our choice. Bitch

- UH I UH UHM ER

- daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry

- HOW MANY ROUNDS? Albus let her BREATHE before you fuck her to death omg

- I thought we became a bio mom to half demon children. But nah turns out we became a slutty saint

- YOOOO another thing in common with Albus! We both don't like kids. For different reasons but the point still remains

- Awww. He misses Devlin.

- Kerano is wholesome but I ain't forgiving her for snatching that key

- wait does anyone remember when he said he wouldnt tap faithful with a ten foot pole? Does that mean he tapped her with an eleven foot pole to stay true to his word?

- Devlin Route -

- that's what your brother said to me in an alternate reality when I chose him too.

- Albus back with the orgies. My angsty brain McThinks it's some copium since that's his whole "nothing hurts me!" Mask

- "HES A ROCKIN SPACE AGE BACHELOR MAN" I hope he gets his dream of being a monsterfucker

- Faithful got that holy rizz sheeeeeeesh

- astrology 🥰

- wait nevermind. Just some brotherly love

- you can call me darling any day of the week baby. I am living for it.

- Awww starry kiss. 🥹

Update: I keep forgetting there's a high chance that GBA will see this... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I STAND BY WHAT I SAID (/lh) 😤😤😤

Update #2: for those asking about the third route thoughts, that's a secret that I'm saving for a fic.

[lalalychee]

cw for talk of suicide, abuse, domestic violence, parental death, and addiction.

i am prefacing this by stating that i am safe, so please for the love of god don't call the police on me for a welfare check. these are thoughts that i have wanted to say for a long time, so please let me say them. again, i am safe.

the tl;dr version of this very long post is that it doesn't always get better, and i wish people would stop saying that it universally does. actually it sometimes permanently gets worse.

the thing that sucks about being in therapy for being suicidal is that so much emphasis is put on retraining your brain to know that you are worthwhile and that you deserve to live. i don't have that problem. i love and value myself so much. i know i am worthwhile and deserve to be loved. i know i am deserving of a good life.

the issue is that a good life is not what i have been given, nor will things change for the better. people love to tell you that it gets better, but in reality that isn't true for everyone.

many of the people in my life met me after i had become disabled, and even people who knew me before then don't necessarily know about the kind of life i came from. i was abused for over 26 years. my parents were addicts, and audrey (my little sister) and i were subjected to so many different kinds of abuse growing up that i've never successfully managed to tell one person the full extent of it. the briefest summary i can give is snippets from it all:

one of my earliest memories is having a phone ripped out of my hand and thrown at me when i tried to call the police on our dad because our mom was on the floor sobbing and bleeding after he'd hit her. i had to clean the blood off our mom's face while we hid in the bathroom.

when i was ten, i was in a car accident because my mom was drunk and fucked up on narcotics while driving, and she passed out at the wheel. i was on the side that crashed. i cannot think of a time when either of our parents were sober while driving throughout our entire childhood; they started drinking at 6am every day.

when i was twelve, shortly after our oldest sister passed away from lupus, our father's abuse toward our mom had gotten severe enough that, after years and years of us begging her to file for a divorce, she finally did. we had to hide in a women's shelter for weeks because he stalked us. he called our mother over 60 times a day, sometimes well over a hundred.

when i was thirteen, our mother got addicted to crack and became less and less present in our lives even though she had full custody of us. over time, she stopped buying groceries, stopped buying daily necessities, and eventually stopped coming home all together. by the time i was fifteen, i was taking care of audrey (who was twelve at the time) entirely on my own. we stole food to survive. we were so poor that we did not have access to even the most basic things like clean clothes or feminine hygeine products. eventually someone reported our mother to the police and she was charged with child abandonment. we were sent to live with our father, the very man who we had fled from just a few years prior.

our mom eventually went to rehab and we reconnected on my sixteenth birthday. i asked her when she was going to try to get custody of us again, and she said she didn't want to. this meant she would rather us live with our abuser than take responsibility for the children she forced into a life we never asked for.

she became sick with breast cancer for a second time (the first being when i was ten), and she died just after my seventeeth birthday.

the abuse we suffered from our father is not something i have yet found the ability to describe. what i can say is that he had so much control over every move i made that i became completely isolated. i went to school, and eventually work as well (although he barely allowed that), but that was it. i could not so much as go to the mailbox without him knowing where i was going, even long after i was a legal adult. we did not manage to escape his household until i was 26 years old.

when i was 26, audrey and i moved out together, and our father continued his habit of stalking women by stalking us relentlessly, even when we obtained restraining order after restraining order.

after years of being arrested for restraining order violations, he has fortunately made less and less attempts to get to us, but to this day i have nightmares about him almost every night. i fear i will not be free from the terror he has scarred me with even once he has died.

this is the kind of life i lived before my accident. these are the kinds of wounds i already was bleeding from day in and day out, trying so hard to recover from. and after all of that, a freak accident at 30 completely ruined any hope i had of ever living some semblance of a normal life. i degloved my knee, an injury that's every bit as horrible as it sounds. from that injury i developed stage 3 CRPS, a permanent neurological condition that is considered the most painful chronic pain condition known. a CRPS flare-up is more painful than childbirth, and no that is not an exaggeration. there is no cure, and treatments are limited and often only work temporarily, if that. even amputation generally does not make the pain stop. i cannot walk without a mobility aid (and excrutiating pain), and it is likely that i will one day lose my ability to walk entirely.

statistically speaking, it's not surprising that i ended up disabled. abuse survivors are more likely to become disabled for an array of reasons. but as a lived experience, it's surprising every single day. i survived years and years of abuse for this? this is my big reward for enduring, enduring, enduring? life will of course always come with hardships, but to me there is a drastic difference between average life hardships versus becoming crippled at 30 with pain i cannot be free from even if i cut my fucking leg off.

i love and value myself. i truly do. and in fact i value myself enough to know i deserve better than the life i have--a life of constant pain with no hope of reprieve.

i am often told to keep going out of spite, if nothing else. i have no spite. i am not angry. i am not bitter. my spite vacated me aeons ago, and in its place all i have is marrow-deep exhaustion.

of course i know that i am loved and that i would be missed. but if a dog is in a condition that has robbed them of what we consider to be a suitable quality of life, we allow the dog to die, even if we will miss the dog so much it feels like we'll never heal from it.

if we are doing something that hurts us, and it keeps hurting us, and even if we try to go about it a different way it still hurts us, we stop doing it.

this is where i find myself. this is why, even after all my years of therapy, i cannot shake the all-consuming thought that i so desperately want to die.

[samueldays]

@eightyonekilograms asked:

What are the actual bits of legislation and policy which discourage people from having more children? I mean, people can and do argue furiously over this question, but

I don't know, but I think it would be funny to present some spurious correlations and non-correlations from Gapminder, to hint how high the bar for "evidence" is (or arguably should be) in these furious arguments. I have no specific conclusion here, only a sort of confused interest in the subject and a feeling that it should get more attention. I have my quibbles with Gapminder, but it provides a lot of easily visualized data.

Maybe the problem is low infant mortality. If you killed more infants, people would have more children to replace the dead ones. /s Note log scale:

I am confident in saying this is obviously not a real cause despite the high correlation; if you want to show a real cause then you should be able to present a correlation at least this strong to stand out from the noise!

(Color coding is blue=africa, red=asia, yellow=europe, green=americas)

Same data without the scaled-to-population data discs, and with one weird country highlighted:

Israel is clearly doing something right to have low infant mortality and lots of babies, and Israel is also such an absurd outlier on many other counts that trying to get policy from Israel is probably ineffective.

Maybe personal computers are to blame:

This is a linear scale but looks like a log chart anyway, and it's suggestive of needing less than 1 PC per 5 people to reproduce at replacement. Log off, go outside, touch ass. (Gapminder auto-adjusts years sometimes when it doesn't have later data, hence the 2006.)

81 suggested it's NIMBY housing policy and I didn't find a good measure of that, but here's something at least vaguely related to construction regulation, for what that's worth: Procedures to build a warehouse.

Mmmm not seeing a correlation there.

To some degree, a lot of the stats from Gapminder are proxies for prosperity, and there's something about prosperity that's negatively correlated with reproduction.

If you measure something like "energy use per person" or "life expectancy" or HDI, it's going to closely track GDP per capita. So let's look at some stats I think are less associated with GDP per capita.

Unemployment rate? This ain't it chief.

Motorcycle death rate? Nah.

(The far-right dot is Thailand. TIL!)

Here's another which is correlated with the overall GDP per capita. Rich states can afford more of it, and they do. It's similar to some programs suggested to increase birthrate:

Gapminder doesn't have specific data on parental leave or child subsidies, but the fact that welfare is so tightly correlated with lower birthrate suggests that you can't subsidise your way out of this.

(The outlier dot here is, again, Israel.)

In closing, consider more teen pregnancy:

[fabaceous]

I love your jackieshauna thoughts, so Id love to know what you'd think would've happened if Jackie had lived, and Shauna had the baby, with both and her and her child surviving? Would Jackie ignore the baby? Forgive Shauna? Care for the baby? And post rescue?

ahh i am so flattered thank you and im glad you enjoy them! so if all three of them had lived, you're saying? honestly that is such an optimistic scenario that i dont think ive ever really devoted any serious thought to it😂 i dont know... i could see a world where jackie throws herself into the stepdad/dad-who-stepped-up role in the woods and cares a lot about the baby ... it could be kind of a reverse divorce scenario lol she and shauna may not really reconcile at first but sort of grudgingly coparent the child because they care about its welfare so they put aside their issues ... and then maybe over time the coparenting thing gives them some perspective and brings them back together... our very own yellowjackets romcom!

im kinda struggling to think of other scenarios tbh. i could see jackie like you said, ignoring the baby for a bit because she's so pissed at shauna and wants nothing to do with her (and by extension nothing to do with the baby bc it's also this reminder of jeff, and jeffandshauna, which would be extra painful) ... but i also feel like jackie's the kind of person who is a sucker for babies so i dont think she'd last super long!

post rescue, good question. i always draw a blank for post rescue scenarios just because we know so little about that timeline to begin with that and i do my best speculation when i have at least something to go off of... like, i assume the baby would live with shauna and her mom, right? lol imagine if jackie is over there so much that she basically moves in (a win-win right, cause she would probably be happy to escape her own parents) and she, like, bans jeff from the house because fuck that guy, SHE'S the dad. sorry this is kind of turning into a romcom again hahaha

[jellybeanium124]

the collapse of the united states government would not be good. I know that the US gov't has fucked shit up literally everywhere, but there is a lot of stuff they do that you don't think about. let's talk about just the domestic stuff as I am a citizen of the empire and am most familiar with that. in no particular order, completely off the top of my head:

funding for the upkeep of the interstate highway system

FDA and USDA making sure the food and drugs we're ingesting don't harm or kill us

some states pay more in federal takes than they get back but some states don't these states are funding their shit with federal funds. schools, for example. our FREE public education system. FREE public education age 5-18 WAS NOT ALWAYS A THING

let's be honest, if the federal government collapsed, that would affect things at the state and local level. your fire department. your library. the upkeep of your public parks. public universities. hospitals.

How are we gonna import foreign items?? you know like all the stuff from china we consume on a daily basis?

they print all the money. if you think inflation is bad now wtf do you think will happen without the federal government keeping it in check??

medicare and medicaid

CHIP and food stamps

about 3 million people work for the federal government. that's 3 million people, from the politicians you want to firebomb down to the janitors cleaning government buildings out of a job. and remember that federal employees work all across the country. this isn't just the good old swamp that will be affected.

state and local government employs tens of millions of people. social workers work for the state. public defendants. all out of a job.

speaking of social workers, not to cry "think of the children" but fuck it yeah think of the children. no school = no outside adults watching them for signs of abuse. no social workers/child protection agency = nobody intervening at all. what about all the kids up for adoption? what about all the kids in foster care? the federal government supports state child welfare and foster care, although there are private foster care agencies. what happens to those kids?

without taxes how are you paying for anything

the national parks?? who is looking after them?

911? what are we supposed to do in an emergency?

I'm stopping here. This is just the domestic stuff a shmuck like me could think of in a few minutes with minimal googling. To say nothing of foreign aid elsewhere in the world.

Yes, the federal government has done many horrible, tragic, unforgivable things, at home and abroad. this is not a brain-dead patriotic defense of the united states. I also know many people would like us to shove our foreign aid up our own butts because it's the opposite of helpful. but the us gov't also does many thankless upkeep and maintenance tasks without which many many many people will DIE. The collapse of the united states government would be a horror and a tragedy. the united states is an empire and the collapse of an empire will be bloody and tragic and brutal. maybe that makes your blood hot with righteous revolutionary fervor, but what happens when it's your mom or dad or sibling or best friend or partner or you? what happens when the world as you know it collapses around you and you can't get your medications or gas for your car and your money is better off being burnt in a fire? what happens then, huh?

[protect-daniel-james]

found a lovely little interview with Unai from his co-written book "Mentalidad ganadora":

What is perfect happiness for you? - A deep inner feeling that is not conditioned by the outside.

What is your greatest fear? - I try not to use the word "fear" because I know well that it conditions. There is a fear that is perhaps necessary at certain times in order to be able to respond to events. (proceeds to talk about football which is irrelevant here) I don't live in fear.

Which historical figure do you most identify with? - I have never had a clear reference, to be honest. The prototype can be a person of integrity, respect, and a fighter for positive things.

Which living person do you admire the most? - I admire hard-working people and people who put in place the progress, welfare, and peaceful coexistence of human beings.

What is the personality trait you like least about yourself? - Uncontrolled selfishness.

And what do you dislike the most in the others? - Envy and resentment.

What is your biggest extravagance? - I don't consider myself an extravagant person. I would be embarrassed.

On what occasions do you lie? - In white lies. For example, when your mother calls you and asks, "Have you had dinner?" And you haven't had dinner yet, because you haven't had time. Things like that, of little importance.

What do you like least about your appearance? - I don't like to see myself on television or on the internet. I don't look good (to) myself. I think it's the conflict we people have of wanting to be perfect. I like to give a personal touch to my clothes. A coach once told me, "You talk faster than you think", yes, I speed up when I talk.

When and where have you been happiest? - I think I have always been happy, I feel happy internally, with virtues and defects. I have never had excessive ambitions. My images of happiness are: as a child, with my friends, siblings, and family, and with a lot of football around me. I have always felt fortunate.

If you could change anything in your life, what would it be? - Maybe, when I was a soccer player, I stopped studying for too many years.

If you could change anything in your family, what would it be? - My wife is from Malaga and I am from Guipuzkoa. From the virtues of seriousness, responsibility, and dedication to our obligations, maybe we northerners have the defect of not being very caring and detail-oriented for the "little big moments". The attachment of families, in the North, is more to do than to say. When it comes down to it, it really should be half-and-half…

What do you think has been your greatest achievement? - Doing my profession with patience and perseverance.

If you died and were reincarnated as a person or a thing, what would it be? - Actually, I would like to be me again. A person close to me, whom his friends call "vinegar" because of how negative (sour) he can be, thinks things like, "Why was I brought into this world if I didn't ask to come?" My position is the opposite.

What is your most precious treasure? - My son, without a doubt. My heart is largely occupied by my son and my family, my friends, and the teams in which I have been lucky enough to develop: Real Sociedad, Toledo, Ferrol, Leganés, Lorca, Almería, Valencia.

What do you consider to be the greatest human misery? - Inequality, which leads to poverty. I am neither left-wing nor right-wing, but I consider this world to be very badly distributed. And that we are all quite selfish… In this generalized selfishness, everyone moves in 80 percent only for what is in their interest. The 20 percent in the most solidary ones are the example, thinking of others. There are few people who really work against inequality.

Who are your heroes in real life? - My son, because he embodies his mother's values and mine. What I value most in my son is how happy he is. To see in a son how much he loves his mother and how much he loves me is fantastic.

What do you dislike the most? - Getting up in the morning when the day before we lost a game. Since I was a player I can easily disconnect and sleep thinking about positive things, but the memory of what happened comes to me when I wake up. I sleep well but I wake up thinking about and working on the game.

How would you like to die? - Without being afraid of death, which is something I'm not worried about right now. I would like to die surrounded by the people I love the most. And providing more peace to them than they would do to me.

What is your personal motto? - My internal motto is: "Come on, come on, Unai, don't stop, move forward" and I tend to express it in different ways. Go forward, with strength. For example, when we score or when we win a game, I make a very characteristic gesture (a very sportsmanlike gesture, moving my right arm inwards) I think that you have to do things as well as possible, the circumstances that you create are the path to success. Because the better you do things, the more likely you are to succeed.

I love all of this; especially the way it goes from "who is your hero" to "how would you like to die", lol. But seriously, it's a nice insight into Unai's soul, and I will be using the hell out of it.

[incomingalbatross]

Completely unedited and unexpanded reading notes on Tenthragon Ch. 8-19

Ch. 8

(filled with rage) Mary!!!!

That is all I have to say about chapter 8. This poor BABY. He doesn't understand how rules work! Scaring him doesn't HELP!

Okay wait I do have something else to say, and it's that I genuinely don't know what Hugh was getting at with his hints about Brendan's relationship to Paddy.

The obvious idea is that Brendan is Paddy's father, but then A) Hugh wouldn't hate Paddy if he weren't the Snake's son, right?? and B) Hugh says Paddy IS their cousin, implying he is ALSO something else.

This suggests a relation might be through Paddy's mother's side--was she a relation of theirs? I don't think she could be Hugh and Brendan's sister, though, because I think someone said she lived in China.

*throws up hands*

Ch. 9:

Paddy trying to hide from the Nightmare Guilt lurking in his mind is all too relatable. :(

Wait did Ellen say Hugh TOOK Paddy from his parents? I mean, no names obviously, but the baby mentioned has to be somebody we know and there's nobody else. How does THAT fit in here?

Ellen. Thank you for giving good advice, but also TAKE IT YOURSELF. If it's better to be punished by Brendan than kept in bondage by Hugh (and it IS), act on that? Don't ask the child to braver than you're being.

Ch. 10

Hugh: *tortures a child*

Hugh: UGH why are you always crying

I DO understand that he's replicating what Paddy's father did to him.

…That should really make him LESS surprised by the results.

Ch. 11:

All right, Hugh suffers SOME pangs of conscience. Not enough to actually face what he's doing, but some.

Ugggh this man. Wilfully fighting back against his softer feelings toward Paddy, of course, but I'm also just mad how he assumes Paddy will ENJOY misbehaving or breaking things. Even when Paddy says he doesn't want to! Hugh doesn't listen!

Ch. 12:

"surely you love him well enough to trust him?" That's the WHOLE THING, that's what Paddy can't get to, because he can't tell what's reasonable and what isn't so maybe a person like Brendon WOULD still cut his thumbs off for what he did! Maybe that's a reasonable consequence in Brendon's eyes! He can't piece together that that's incompatible with his love and respect for Brendon. Because he is a CHILD.

Hm, the sister lived in Other Thragoness all her childhood and Hugh refuses to say any more. Some evidence she could be Paddy's mother, then.

Oh NO poor BABY (he was caned)

Ch. 13:

Hugh: Hm. Why does hurting my baby cousin/nephew feel bad. Why am I trying to make him feel better. Why CAN'T I make him feel better by just pressing a button and magically turning off all his hurt feelings, it's like my actions have consequences

Ah yeah, Hugh's got a point, doesn't he? The "telling Brendon" threat isn't just empty, it's more likely to end HIS world instead of Paddy's.

Hugh: Well, having recreated my childhood trauma, I guess I'll recreate the consolations we got as well! Please don't examine any of this too closely (SUCH a mess)

And he literally HAS a way out of this self-created trap. Brendon wants to tell him Paddy's here! He is asking for an opportunity! And Hugh decides to keep going with the layers of lies instead.

"Hugo mio" aw that's cute

"DON'T TELL ME HE'S LIKE ROBIN I DON'T LIKE THOSE IMPLICATIONS"

"You would like him yourself if you knew him." OOF

Ch. 14:

Can't believe Paddy told Hugh he was "mean" for the first time ever and it was over Hugh's teasing him with a glimpse of "the baby"

(Also that Paddy's immediate reaction to hearing the baby was in the house was "Brendon doesn't like it better than me?" <3)

Brendon's a knight for the costume party. Of course.

Hugh speaking well of Quentin is…a lot. But also OW the blatantly awful things lying BARELY under the surface of what he tells Paddy--and that is the best he has to tell! It's just All Awful! 

Of course, this isn't sustainable either. But give Hugh credit, he has very little practice thinking about other people's emotional welfare. He's trying not to be actively cruel here!!

Ch. 15:

Oh no, baby. :( Progress with Hugh is good but a barrier between him and Brendon is BAD. Unfair to both of them.

Ugggh, ANOTHER unjust adult in his life. Just what Paddy needed.

"Did you enjoy living at Victoria Lodge?" "Why, was I meant to?"

NO

Brendon is his world! And yet he believes Brendon might cut his thumbs off! THIS is why little children are so vulnerable!!

He's HURTING HIMSELF ON PURPOSE to make a chance for Brendon to take care of him. HONEY

Oh the ESSAY. The best thing Miss Prince ever did was send Brendon Paddy's essay.

His mostly-dead relatives are his imaginary friends. I can't believe Paddy actually brought MORE Gothic to Thragoness.

His imaginary dad is just a version of Brendon who approves of him AUGH

He's REENACTING THE RING ABUSE AS A PRETEND Brendon get this child some better occupations

Ch. 16:

No Brendon not like that

…The flipside of the problem is that Brendon ALSO doesn't get that Paddy loves HIM. Because Paddy doesn't TRUST him and Brendon is misdiagnosing the symptoms (and doesn't have confidence he CAN do a decent job with Paddy)

Hugh. Hugh. I GET that you can't cope with Brendon's feelings being hurt either, but it doesn't help to yell at Paddy without actually explaining what he did wrong, and it ESPECIALLY doesn't help when this whole thing is your fault

(Though tbf, Paddy HAS been hiding his problem from Hugh. And Hugh doesn't want to see anything unpleasant unless it's put directly in front of him, so)

Hugh is such a WILD mixture of growing self-knowledge and complete blindness to Paddy. "Not that YOU would know anything about living in dread of discovery, of course"

Ch. 17

Ah yes the WORST POSSIBLE PERSON to catch Paddy. SURE WHY NOT.

All three of the Tenthragon boys are having the WORST DAY IMAGINABLE.

Incredibly impressive, though, what coherent characters both of these brothers are even filtered through Paddy's POV.

Oh Brendon. Buddy. I understand what you're doing, and Hugh literally asked for it because he can't achieve emotional honesty to save his life, but DON'T.

Ch. 18:

Okay, I did not give Brendon enough credit. I mean, I still suspect he doesn't know how MUCH he means to Hugh, but he's putting more even thought into this than I thought.

Paddy loves Hugh too. :( It shouldn't have been his job to learn to understand Hugh, but he has a bit anyway.

He's writing LETTERS to Hugh.

No one is entirely happy and everyone concerned here misses each other and it doesn't CHANGE anything

Oh, the mysterious sister is here?? She's here with her husband???

Auggggh the Snake is HERE.

UGGGGH the sleeper command to "obey Brendon" at the beginning of the book came from HIM? Of course it did. Lifelong expert in frightening children.

Hey. Hey Hugh. Thanks for stealing Paddy when he was a baby.

Ch. 19:

…Oh. Somehow I did NOT place that all the tragic Tenthragon deaths probably weren't accidents.

…Really should've picked up on that.

Oh GOLLY. (Quentin getting legal and financial guardianship over Hugh.)

Hugh telling the whole story in third person because he can't deal with actually TELLING Paddy.

I repeat: even if it wasn't Hugh's intention, the arrangement he put into place ended up being probably the best outcome possible for Paddy.

…I'm sorry, are you telling me that Hugh is STILL NOT A LEGAL ADULT. CURRENTLY.

I knew he was young, but…

That's what you DO miss when POV is filtered through a nine-year-old.

(Brendon might still be in his twenties himself, then. He probably is. OOF he has had WAY too much on his shoulders for WAY too long.)

(He IS in his twenties. He's I think twenty-five?? What an INCREDIBLY good adult he's been.)

Noooo, Brendon, Paddy DOES deserve to know. He's already in the middle of this, he should get to navigate it with some understanding of what he's seen.

Oh, all right, if Hugh didn't want it read then it's fine. Hopefully Paddy can wait a bit to understand his family fully.

Dread.

It ends THERE?

[fightingthetides]

2 truths and a lie

I regret that I did not know what my family was from the beginning.

I am afraid I will stain my hands with blood.

I am scared my father and I will never have good relations again.

Taken from meme: [x] ||Accepting||

Hard to say, but Ravein was inclined to towards one of the options. It was harder to dig for information on subjective or non-tangible things like emotions. For those who don't speak on their emotions or always construe their emotions as something else, it was hard to get accurate information on such things.

Still, knowing that she'd been a civilian for so long, coming to suddenly find out the true occupation of your Father must've come as quite the shock. It was reasonable to think that the fear of having your hands stained with blood eventually.

He knew from experience how it felt to stain your hands with bloods due to the mafia.

Did she fear that her relations with her Father would never be good again? He was conflicted. He dare say that she may be worried about it, or rather instead be bitter about how things turned out because he kept this part of her life a secret from her until now.

It was a plausible choice.

However, the first one had his attention. Why? The wording. Regret, to feel sorrow for what has been done or failed to be done.

She was never given the choice in the matter of knowing the true nature of her family. The truth was kept from her, and so there is no regret for what was failed to be done. You can't regret when you were never given the choice.

You simply lament over what could have been or become bitter over the injustice of the situation.

Though maybe he's thinking too much into things. In regards to relations, it took two parties. If she was willing to put forth the effort to mend the relationship, that was half the battle. If he saw no reason to mend their relationship, then it was doomed to fail.

Ravein, being the simple-minded and optimistic fool he was, wanted to believe that no parent would wish to have a bad relationship with their child. What parent wouldn't care for their child and their welfares?

Nunnally seemed resistant to the mafia world, so he didn't think she wanted to acclimate herself to the cutthroat and dark world, so fearing what she may become if she sticks around would be a valid concern.

All in all, the first option was looking the most likely.

[#1]

So, tell him. Is he right?

[reject-dystopia]

CN: suicide, abuse, child abuse, poverty, etc.

Let me tell you a small part of my story, I am the perfect example for this

I am one of these people that have an incredibly high IQ and I don’t say this to boast bc I don’t believe a high IQ is inherently something good or inherently the only or even the defining measure/marker for intelligence and definitely not something that makes you better than others. It is merely a measure for a very specific kind of logical-analytical thinking that is used for maths and physics etc.

But in this case that specific ability the IQ measures is what these billionaires are talking about we need.

Fact is I disagree and I don’t think to solve the problems of the world we need more Albert Einsteins or Stephen Hawkings, but instead we need more Che Guevaras, Thomas Sankaras, Nelson Mandelas etc. - more compassion and more empathy is what we need! The technology to solve our problems already exist, the problem is that what dictates what is done is the profit motive, so what gets done is only what is profitable for the billionaires as opposed to what helps solve the problems and helps people.

But besides that, I am one of the people they would like to have more of. I dropped out of German Gymnasium 3-4 months before I would’ve graduated. (German Gymnasium is the only kind of school that gives you a degree you need to study in universities in Germany) I dropped out because I had to go to a psychosomatic clinic for half a year (that’s very long for this kind of clinic) because growing up I was abused by my birth-mother who I also lived with until I moved out basically by going to the clinic bc I just never moved back “home”, raised by 9 year younger sibling bc she was extremely neglectful and heavily parentified me, I was her personal therapist basically, she abused both of us mentally and physically, she was a single mother and we were always poor so I was always working (next to school and raising a child) since I was 12.

If we had had more money I wouldn’t have to work so much and could’ve finished school.

If child protective/ child welfare services actually work they would’ve helped me when I asked them. Latest after they invited me in after I was in the ICU bc I almost succeeded with trying to kill myself they would’ve a) done something based on what I told them before and b) talked to me without my birth mother.

If teachers were trained accordingly they would’ve called CPS after I was thrown out of home for the first time at 11. Or when I started self harming. Or when my friends dragged me to the school social worker when they were scared I was gonna kill myself. They would’ve tried to support me other ways. They definitely wouldn’t have downplayed it and gaslight me by convincing me it was normal to feel the way I felt bc I was in puberty.

If state welfare/ state unemployment programs actually worked, I would’ve been able to finish school after leaving the clinic. However since legally parents have to pay child support to the child until they finish their first degree that can be used to get a job (so either Ausbildung, aka job training, college or university), they said it wasn’t their responsibility. However the child support the state calculated I was supposed to get wasn’t enough to survive with (plus the numbers like parental income they used were to old and the my calculated it wrong, had I known I could’ve sued and gotten enough to survive, I didn’t know that until it was too late). I wasn’t eligible to get additional money since my bio-father earned too much (funny for that they used the correct income numbers). So my only choice was to go into a state-funded-job training/vocational college-program so I can get some additional money

If I had gotten help earlier in life I wouldn’t have been so sick that I wasn’t able to work next to school anymore and could’ve gone back to school to graduate and get my degree.

Just to name some of the ways the system failed me and prevented me from finishing school.

My last 1 1/2 years in school I had average grades at best. Because at 16 I completely broke down, my brain stopped working the way I had known it to before, within a few weeks I was unable to focus or think properly, often couldn’t even finish my sentences bc I couldn’t focus long enough to remember how I started the sentence and what point I was trying to make. I was completely burnt out and tried to kill myself a few months later.

However before I burnt out, I was one of the best students of my year, especially in sciences, especially physics. I regularly discussed with my teachers on above-university-level. My grades reflected that. One of my teachers was so exited about my love and talent for physics and maths that he introduced me to his old college professors that was at the time still teaching in the university of Heidelberg (maybe anyone knows it) that within Germany (and I also think internationally) is quite well known for it’s great physics (& other sciences) studies. Since financing my university degree aka financing myself through that time was always gonna be an issue and I had talked about that to my teacher before, him and two of his formerprofessors organized a scholarship for extraordinarily talented students that would’ve given me a “full ride” - the only condition was me graduating with decent grades aka that everything stays the way it was grade-wise.

It didn’t. Since I didn’t even graduate, the dream of studying physics (most likely practical, maybe a minor in theoretical physics or the other way around, I wasn’t sure yet) and astrophysics died, but honestly it died when I burnt out.

I didn’t lose my intelligence (/ability to think logical-analytical very very well) over night. I still had all of that, but it was (and partially still is) like having the best CPU (processor) in the world but the tiniest, shittiest RAM (kind of the short term memory of a computer) imaginable and in addition to that an amazing hard drive with buckloads of data, but aren’t able to reliably connect to it and if you manage to connect to the hard drive you can only access some data and most of it is corrupted.

It had gotten a lot better since I was 16, but I am still healing and working on it and anyone in a similar situation will know what I mean when I say, I can still tell that there is so much that I still can’t access and use.

So to me it feels like the biggest slap in the face when rich people (multimillionaires but especially billionaires) who often have strong ties into politics or at least strong ties into lobbying groups and often lobby against state welfare programs and call people who need that kind of help useless and leeches, say we need more people like Einstein, when they are the ones stopping people from studying, developing these abilities, getting into positions in which we can do research and innovate. It’s like they’re taunting me in a way. Because I genuinely don’t mean to sound arrogant and again I don’t think the problems our world has are gonna be solved by physicists or engineers, but I know my IQ and even if we ignore that my therapist is convinced when I get the chance to go back to therapy (currently my insurance won’t pay, not because they don’t agree I need it but because I had “too much” therapy already and they simply won’t pay for more), once I have healed more, my IQ is gonna be even higher, my IQ is already well above average. I have been likened to Einstein and Hawking and while I certainly don’t know as much as they did and never got the chance to become a physicist, I definitely had the potential to become one of the “great minds” In physics (of our time, I don’t think I would’ve reached their status but then again that’s also a lot of other factors involved)

So here I am, one of tens or hundreds of thousands if not millions of people who had the potential to become exactly the minds the likes of Bezos and Musk call for. But they’re directly responsible for the fact that most of us are busy surviving and don’t have the privilege to spend years studying and not earning money and then even the people lucky and/or privileged enough to do that, spend most of their time trying to acquire funding that they only get if it’s profitable enough and it doesn’t put the wrong people out of business.

Again all of the technology to fix the climate crisis exists already - very few don’t fully exist but could be developed within 2-3 years if given funding/ not blocked. But thousands of life-saving, climate-saving, world-saving innovations and technologies, collect dust in the forms of plans, concepts and patents in some drawers because either the people who could make it happen don’t want to because it won’t generate enough profit, or they’re actively being blocked because they would threaten the profits of someone who’s part of the 0,001% richest people on this planet.

(Again:)

Instead of more Einsteins and Hawkings we need more Che Guevaras, Thomas Sankaras, Nelson Mandelas, Motaz Azaizas, …

We need people who fight to change the system, who get the information to the people as to why this system isn’t just failing us, but has never worked for us and was always built against us and to exploit us. Who is responsible. Just how dire the climate situation is and why it isn’t being fixed. Why the “solutions” were being presented isn’t even like putting a small band aid on a massive flesh wound but more like slapping a bow on a massive open wound so deep that the entire spine is seeing daylight and the loung is visible and stabbed by bone etc.

Because it’s not helping in the slightest, it’s supposed to look like they’re helping/ doing something. It’s supposed to fool us into thinking our protest have taken effect and something is being done, so we lessen our efforts, stick by the current strategies that don’t do anything and are harmless to the people actively destroying our planet and hindering efforts to save the world so they can accumulate even more money, so we don’t start using measures that actually affect the people actually writing the policies (aka lobbies of billionaires & billionaires themselves)

We need brave community organizers, journalists, people who bring people together and inform them, people who organize all of us together so we can fight together. Notice how I didn’t say activists? We don’t need front figures, we need community and community organizers, if you take one thing away from this, then please look up the difference between organizing and activism, organizers and activists. I know when a lot of people say activists they mean organizers, but they way activism is seen and portrayed as by the general society and therefore media right now is ineffective and sometimes even hinders us because we’re so busy running against walls hoping others will join us to eventually break it, that we don’t take the time to learn how to support each other to build a human ladder and get above.

Either way, we need innovators, but not to innovate technology but to innovate ways we can break this system, tear it down and build a new one, how we can organize to agree on things and build a future together, create a positive vision for the future we can fight for - it’s way easier for us to fight for something as opposed to against something! People who figure out what we need to get there and start building networks and communes and grow food so they can’t starve us out, who make sure everyone is welcome and has an easy time becoming part of the effort, again, people who figure out how to spread information despite heavy censorship on those topics, people who figure out the best ways to break this system with the least casualties and get the information out that to break this system doesn’t mean a few weeks of throwing stones and violence and it’s done, but that revolutions take decades and sure there will be parts where we will throw stones in the streets, but most of it happens in our heads and with how we work, strikes, building networks, growing food, building communities that connect to each other within the networks, help each other, heal together etc.

There is a task and a space for everyone who just wants a better system that serves all of humanity and not just the profit and growth of very very very very very very few!

Just because you’re not the type to like going to protests and revolting, just because you might not be able to, doesn’t mean there isn’t a space for you in the efforts. On the contrary! While sure there will be some occasions where everyone who can reasonably go has to hit the streets, 99.9% of the time we will do other things and there are millions of tasks and ways to help - there will be one that you’re not just able to do, but one that suits your strengths. You just have to stay creative.

But I digress. In summary, the billionaires now advocating for more people in general to exist so there can also be more “geniuses” to “solve problems” is BS because THEY are the ones stopping people from even being able to create those kind of solutions but also because this isn’t the kind of solutions we need! It’s clear what they want: more people they can exploit to get even richer than they are - so they can be even more powerful. And they spread dumb BS propaganda like that, because birth rates in a lot of “western” countries are declining and they’re scared that them creating and pushing the myth of “overpopulation” to blame climate change problems on or claim the problem of world hunger on (not true, we have more than enough food, it’s just rather thrown away than given away for free, again and issue of distribution) backfired and makes people stop having kids, so now they’re back paddling. Which also shows they fundamentally don’t understand why many younger people won’t have children. Usually it’s not ideological but practical - we can’t afford it. Again because of the welfare programs and social security measures they keep cutting down on! And even the ones who do it for ideological reasons, do it less out of a concern for everyone else and more out of a concern for their potential children: I wouldn’t want to put a child into this world. I am not rich enough to guarantee a good life, especially after I am no longer there to help my child. It’s hard enough for me to survive right now and the way I see it with climate change and capitalism getting worse by the minute, I don’t want to imagine how it would be 25 years from now when the child would have to start working LATEST. No thanks, to me it seems extremely egoistical if I were to create a person just because I want to, when I know the world is going to shits and we all suffer more and more. Don’t get me wrong, anyone who still wants a child and gets one, that’s super fine. I don’t think not having children is a good long term strategy, but I personally don’t have the privilege/ life circumstances to at least be able to say that while the world goes to shits, at least I can always guarantee food on the table and give the child a good childhood and a stable basis so it’s grows up healthy emotionally and therefore resilient enough to deal with anything. But if you feel like you can give that to a child go ahead! Only rich assholes having children would be a sucky alternative!

So anyways they are back paddling. It’s BS. My story is one of millions who in so many different ways could’ve fulfilled the type of person these rich AHs pretend is necessary for the future, but they made sure we all can’t reach our potential and break the ceiling. But they know it’s not the solution either, they just need more people to exploit.

So instead let’s band together and build communities and dream big and fight for a better life! A better world! A better future for ALL OF US!

As my late [political] mentor used to say:

“Let’s be realistic. Let’s try the impossible!”

He taught me it’s never too late to fight, as long as there are people there is hope, never give up no matter how dire it seems, always be aware of the fact that the people in power will do anything to stay in power, don’t think “oh but they wouldn’t do that” bc no matter if evil or insane, they will do it, don’t forget human psychology when doing politics because the biggest mistake of most leftists politics (& politics in general) is not factoring that in, starting with how to defend against propaganda and fake news and how we spread information, but also which measures are more important, how to get people to understand and to listen and how to get people active, what is needed etc etc.

I wish he was still here, he died in 2023 but he was full of hope, more and more, that we can make it and while he wasn’t a pessimist, he certainly wasn’t an optimist either and he saw what is happening and while he certainly saw all the bad things, he saw how people react and how it’s changing, we’re all changing and how it gives us a fighting chance!

Preferably within the next 10 years, bc if we manage to win until then/ get to a point where within a few years we will be building a better society and are already doing better in general, already being able to live again instead of just survive, well then I can still have another child! (another since I consider my sibling I raised my child/ call him siblingchild. I love him to bits and if I don’t get the chance to have another child I will still sleep well knowing I raised him as best as I could and he is such an amazing person. I couldn’t be prouder. But I would love to grow our family and give him a nibling-sibling and also even tho life was hell at the time, I loved raising him and love being a parent even tho I am currently very badly burnt out again and not doing a great job. I would love to be a parent to yet another child/ children and this time around be an adult while I am raising the child(ren) and raising them with my partner and best friend and the community (it takes a village) together and not have to fight against an abusive adult who’s also a Nazi so they don’t raise them to be one. Just sounds nice in my head yk? So let’s revolution soon please!)

Context: Germany doesn’t put everyone in one school, instead after fourth grade the students get split up into three different kinds of schools based on “intelligence” (often socioeconomic factors heavily influence who goes to which school)

- Hauptschule: for the “least intelligent” which ends after grade 9 with a “Hauptschulabschluss” - that you can only use to get into practical Job-trainings (“praktische Ausbildung”) and some part on the job, part vocational college trainings (“duale Ausbildung”) where you usually have about half practical training in a company and half study in a school we call “job-school” (“Berufsschule”) which is comparable to some colleges/ the degree is comparable to some college degrees, I have also seen it translated as “vocational college”

- Realschule: for the “middle” basically, that used to be just for average people and the average degree people held, but the pressure to study in college and/or university is so high these days that ppl still see it as “not enough”, Realschule ends after grade 10 with the degree “Realschulabschluss” that you can use for everything the Hauptschulabschlusses does plus any and all “dusle Ausbildungen” aka part on the job training, part vocational college, as opposed to just some with the Hauptschulabschluss - the degrees you can start training/ studying for with a Realschulabschluss are comparable to some community-college degrees, it includes jobs like graphic design stuff or nursing etc.

- Gymnasium: supposed to be for “above average intelligence” but now most people go there nowadays, used to end after grade 13, now after grade 12 (which sucks and we learn less now) with the degree “Abitur” that enables you to do anything the first two do plus study at a university/ college (again, lots of jobs you need a college degree for in the US, in Germany you need a “duale Ausbildung” for instead)

[shamelessrabbithole]

I am super surprised to read that Noel is a godfather to Kate’s kids. She and Layla were/are good friends so I can only imagine that Layla and he are godparents together. No way would she have left out Layla. It would make sense that she would only mention Noel in the article though because they specifically asked about cast mates and shameless. (Although I suppose she could have said Noel and his wife are my kids godparents)

the whole godparents thing means different stuff to everyone—it seems like. Are Kate and her husband really religious? Are Layla and Noel? I kind of think no?! But really god parents are supposed to help guide the child with advice and RELIGIOUS teachings/support. I don’t think it has to mean “you will raise my kid if I die” or something. I also feel like people just name some friends that they are close with and those friends feel like a bigger part of that child’s life and are just more involved. —-this whole paragraph is just to say…it’s a real mixed bag when someone says “god parents”

thoughts?

Yeah, I guess I was of the thinking that a godparent is someone who steps in to offer financial support and/or care and guidance if the child ends up parentless. But, I could be completely wrong in that regard.

Maybe it's more like what you're saying. That the godparent is a person who mentors and oversees the child's welfare throughout their life, no matter who is doing the raising. And maybe it has little if anything to do with religion.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2003 Although only a third of the year has passed, I’m sure April 30th will always be the best day of 2003. Yes, I have some absolutely shocking, mind-boggling, unbelievably fantastic news – I’m off probation!!!!! This is it, it’s over! After 6 months in jail, 100 hours of community service, a slew of therapy appointments, God knows how much money, 47 reports and 11 home visits, my life now belongs to me! Me! As in never with them, never with me! Never ever again will anything we do have any connection to them! They don’t own me anymore! They really don’t! I wasn’t dreaming. That call I thought would never come really did come! It came just shy of 12 hours ago. I was too excited to write, although I was up several hours afterward, unable to sleep due to the excitement and shock. When I finally did fall asleep, I thought I’d sleep forever, but woke up just under 6 hours later. It’s all the excitement for sure.

It wasn’t even quite 6:30 this morning when I heard the phone ring from my office. Tom had gone to bed two hours earlier and I wanted to grab the phone before it woke him. At that hour I figured it had to be Paula calling to tell me the reason I hadn’t heard from her was that I was right about her ending up in jail. Instead, I walked up to the phone and saw Pinal County on the ID box. With my now quickened heartbeat, I picked up the phone.

It was Scot. “Have you heard the news?” he asked me.

Although I said, “No, what’s wrong?” my mind said, “What bullshit are they accusing me of now?” I mean, at that hour he could’ve been calling to tell me to expect to be arrested for all I knew, or even that threats were made against me. I just didn’t know. There wasn’t enough time between when I picked up the phone and when we started talking for all the possible horrible scenarios to play through my mind. Nonetheless, that was when he told me I was off probation as of the 23rd and that the judge designated it a misdemeanor. He said the state objected, but oh well, the judge signed me off anyway and I don’t have to come and see him. So I’ve been off probation for a week and didn’t even know it. Hell, the welfare bums probably knew it before I did!

All I could do was say, “Oh my God, oh my God!” Then I thanked him for the great news and told him to have a good life.

“Okay,” he said, and we hung up at which time Tom stumbled out of the bedroom. He was just as shocked and as happy as I was, but we both wondered why I didn’t get any kind of a letter about it. He thinks it may be because they have to update our new PO Box address. I guess the news was just faxed into Scot’s office, too.

This is what I mean when I say I couldn’t tell you if you were going to win the lottery, but I could probably tell you if you were going to be hurt or something. I can sense and do negative, but not positive. I can’t heal you if you’re sick, but could probably make you sick if you pissed me off enough. I had no idea that this was coming! I was totally caught off guard. Totally! I really expected no breaks or shortcuts with the sentence length whatsoever with this shit after seeing them play the jail part up to the max like they did and so much more. So now I’ll have all these meaningless numbers on my calendar for the next 6 months!

I had to laugh at how I wrote on the 16th that I woke up thinking I had 13 more reports when I really had 6. Well, I had even less than that now, didn’t I?!

Before he called I was sitting there thinking that it was 4 years ago since we lived with the welfare bums and how appalled and shocked I was to know that fate could be so determined to have it be that they were still with me in such a huge way. I swear, though, nobody will ever tell me what to do again! Nobody! I will be no one’s puppet, slave, scapegoat, opportunity, punching bag or source of money. I will be the adult that I am and never again be reduced to being made to feel like a child all over again. No one will ever have such a fierce hold on me again. I will not be used or abused by anyone like that again, and believe me, these people are runners-up to my parents who fucked me over the most in life, along with the Amy Ks, Donna As, Margaret Ms, and Barbara Ds of Valleyhead and Brattleboro.

I laughed upon remembering Scot telling me around last August or so that I’d be celebrating come Halloween of next year. Wrong, honey, I’m celebrating now! Right now. Oh yes, we’ll go to Red Lobster or do something real soon, but the main celebration is in my heart and mind. The relief and happiness of knowing I’m now, finally, after 7 long years, free of these sick fucks forever, is indescribable. I am a little worried about God sending me a new long-term problem and their reaction to the early release, though. I mean, they must know, right? And if they do, they gotta be fuming. Utterly furious out of their minds! The control they had for so long is now gone, and with people like that, there’s no saying what they may do. However, being the wonderful doom psychic that I am, I’m happy to report no bad vibes. Who knows, with all the spells I’ve been casting upon them they just may be too ill to be mad in the first place. We’ll still at least get the fences up ASAP, though I certainly don’t have to worry that Scot may wake me up tomorrow! There is no such thing as “prime time” anymore. No, 10 AM is just that – 10 AM. And so is 11 AM, noon, 1 PM, 2 PM, etc. The hours of 10 AM - 2:30 PM no longer have any special meaning of any kind and the only thing leftover from this horrid nightmare is a good thing and that’s Mary G. Mary G, who’s now going to send Teddy Bear her “piece of mind” letter which I’ve sent to her along with the wonderful news.

There I was telling Mary not to count on any breaks from judges, but who knows now? Maybe a miracle will come her way, too. She can use this to hopefully encourage her.

The thing I’m dying to know is which judge signed me off. Could it be the same hateful, monstrous, ruthless Judge H? That’d be hard to believe. I mean, it’d take a major personality change on his part to have an ounce of compassion for me, a Jew. I wasn’t only a Jew, I was a Jew with a black against her in a state where they’re as adored as they are loathed in a place like Texas. If I don’t receive anything in the mail, we’ll get a copy of the fax from Scot. In fact, I’ll leave a message on his answering machine because I’m really curious to see who was present when this went before the judge. I’d pretty much bet that everyone who was at the sentencing was there except for the public defender. If it was Judge H that set me free, I still resent him greatly. I mean, yes it’s great that he finally did the right thing, but he’s two years too late. He could’ve stopped it right there on October 30th of ‘00 and he had every right to do so, but he didn’t, so he hasn’t won any gratitude or admiration from me, that’s for sure. Nothing can change what’s been done to me. Things have been done to help along the way and now I’ve been given a break, but it can’t undo the past 2½ years. I will never forget. I will never forgive. Forgiving has been my downfall in the past. Something I’ll never again be suckered into doing so as not to be fucked with all over again, but they can’t fuck with me all over again. Not legally anyway. There’s no way they could appeal and reinstate the probation as far as I know. The judge is God from start to finish. What he says goes, like it or not, and once again, I know those assholes do not like it. Not one bit. Tough shit, though. Yeah, you lose, you mother-fucking, scum-sucking welfare bums, you lose! Your days of victimizing me are forever over!

Speaking of God, do I have any gratitude for him now? Nope. Once again, he never should’ve let this happen in the first place. He could’ve protected me and spared me the hell I’ve been through, but he didn’t.

Tom thinks that Scot might’ve known something was going to happen and that that’s why he cut my reports. Well, he didn’t act like he knew anything was up, though I was shocked as hell that he cut my reports. I wonder, though, would this have happened anyway? Or was it because of Scot’s recommendation?

It wouldn’t surprise me if I made the papers again with the media crying out about how the poor, poor welfare bums got such a raw deal in life, screwed over once again by the “white man.” Wouldn’t that be funny? Yeah, Channel 3, wanna come ask me if I’m a racist now? Hey, I don’t discriminate, I hate everyone equally!

After Tom went back to bed, I paced throughout the house grinning like a mad idiot. I laughed and cried tears of joy and relief for hours.

The welfare bums’ money that wasn’t supposed to go to us till November will go to us in May and instead of $40 a month for each of us, we’ll have $60, plus grocery savings. Now’s when they might try to sucker a few extra bucks out of us, but we’ve got receipts to protect ourselves from this greedy, fraudulent state.

I hope I don’t get a letter saying I can do jury duty now that I’m not a little “felon” anymore, but that’s the least of my worries. I’ll still get out of it if I do. I just want to go one full year without hearing from these welfare bums and from Teddy Bear (I never thought I’d say that!), but I’ll settle for not hearing from them for just the rest of the year. I think that may be enough to reassure and console me.

We’re down to watering the plants every other day now to let their roots get established. Tom says that about 4 of the elms are finally starting to sprout leaves. I just hope the sister olies don’t take forever to grow so we can back up anything that dies with those. Once there’s a house to the north of us, it shouldn’t cost any more privacy than next door does, but we’ll lose a hell of a lot of it once there’s a house in front, so we’ll know just what to plant then. I doubt the Sharons will get high enough to give us whatever privacy they do steal.

TUESDAY, APRIL 29, 2003 I didn’t fall asleep till I’d been up for 18 hours which came to 7 AM. It was that old stress and anticipation thing of the possibility of the welfare bums waking me up. I don’t know where or when we’ll move next, but next time they ain’t coming with us! With tomorrow being Wednesday, I get a day off from them. Things are still going well with the truck, so I’m still hopeful that we can have them fenced out real soon.

Tom ran into the guy who sold us the trucks at the post office. Now the cock’s claiming he’s now got the title for the green truck. What lovely timing, huh? Tom’s going to pick it up sometime soon, but I think he’s just playing games. Why didn’t he call if he really got the title? If he does have it, we could then sell the green truck if we wanted to.

Tom showed me a picture of Meagan and Stacie. Yup, they definitely look the part. Totally not my type. Too young and with hair way too short. The kind that to me, belongs on a man only.

I guess a part of me does wish I could live a double life with the man I love that I live with and that’s my friend whom I share my life with, then with a woman on the side that I have wild, passionate sex with, but I know this is purely a fantasy that could never come true. Besides, I just may end up feeling all bad and guilty and like a little cheat, even though Tom and I are platonic.

Tom found me the best program yet for making stills. I’ve been Kate capturing away like crazy. Little by little, we’ll be burning the best episodes on CDs.

Got a letter from Mary who says she’s still taking classes, and yes, it’s their policy that they leave their envelopes open, though she’s not worried about it and neither am I. What I am worried about is the fact that she says she hasn’t gotten the rest of her story I sent, along with her poems and affirmations. She should’ve gotten them by now. We’ll give it another couple of weeks or so, then I’ll send it again if I have to. She hasn’t said she’s missing any letters, though.

She enclosed a note to send to Chuck, which I did, along with a copy of a computer joke I recently sent her.

She also enclosed quite an extensive commissary list. They sell Tampax and even clothes! Despite all they sell, though, they do not sell radios which really sucks. Especially when you have a loud, rude roommate like she says she’s got. At least they remodeled and put in a library.

I was surprised to hear that although there’s a tower in the center like M Dorm and A Tower had, they only walk through a few times a day when they do headcounts.

But what if someone needs something or gets sick? Especially those in PC?

SUNDAY, APRIL 27, 2003 The first CA episode has been successfully burned but I haven’t tried it out yet on my computer.

Tom, who once again spent the day working on the truck, said all is going well. In a couple of hours, he’ll know if we’re gonna need Dave or not to haul the fences. I hope not as I don’t want to have to see Mary, who can’t seem to let Dave go anywhere alone. Especially here. If he comes out, she comes out.

The doll was ordered, but there was no express delivery available on that particular item. They told us 6-8 weeks, but in the past, most of their dolls took about 3 weeks to get to me via regular delivery so maybe this one will, too.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26, 2003 Fortunately, Tom woke up just fine. It’s a damn good thing too, since I can’t seem to influence us physically.

Tom worked on the truck all day which he says is going well. He went to bed a few hours after I got up, leaving his computer to convert one of my CA episodes to fit onto a CD. They’re 4 times too big for a CD in the format they’re currently in.

This weekend we’ll be ordering the Spirit of the Snowy Owl Indian doll.

FRIDAY, APRIL 25, 2003 Looks like the welfare bums are going to get us both sick this time around. Yes, unfortunately, Tom has the same sore throat I had which really sucks. See, I knew for two reasons that I didn’t get what I had from him. First, it was too many days after he got sick that I got sick, and coincidentally, I got sick right after seeing Scot, so that’s the second time those welfare bums have gotten me sick and now he’s sick, too. The cold he had was fairly easy on him, but this won’t be. If it is the same thing, he’s really in for a hell of a long, sore throat, the poor guy! Like I said, I really thought I was infected.

Anyway, even though I’d had just 6 hours of sleep and woke up tired, I couldn’t go back to sleep. It didn’t take me long to perk up, though. I watered the plants and did some cleaning. Soon, I’ll exercise.

As I figured would be the case, Scot didn’t show up. No, he’s going to wait till I’m asleep or at least till we’re both home. I wasn’t kidding when I said God really wanted to use these welfare bums to whip my ass good with. So much so that I still don’t know to this day how I managed to get out of the work and class issue, much less get the privilege of now only having to report just once a month.

Tom didn’t get to the racetrack today. Instead, he went shopping. He hit the mall and checked out a used car sale, as well as bought some things we needed around the house. He even got a cheap cell phone for us to try out. If we like the service, we’ll get an additional phone and shut down the regular one.

THURSDAY, APRIL 24, 2003 I feel much more alive today even though I only slept for about 6 hours. Perhaps that’s because I spent a lot of time resting when I wasn’t sleeping. That sure was one weird cold, if that’s what it was, to be concentrated on my throat like that. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a fierce and long sore throat like that before.

Tom bought and planted the 8 olies, but for some reason (I’ll have to ask him when he gets up), he planted them a little differently than I asked him to. They still look really good. He still thinks the bougies will flourish within a year, but that’s hard to believe.

Later…

Tom said that the reason he planted the olies like he did was that they’re different than the other ones we’ve got. They’re called something like Sister Agnes and are supposed to grow 20’ tall. If only we’d planted just those and not bothered with the regular olies and the elms which don’t seem to be doing well. Neither do the tulip trees and lavender bush I thought I brought to life. It sure seemed like I had anyway. This was why we did this experiment, though; to see who does well and who doesn’t so we know what to get next spring.

How I wish Scot would show up tomorrow (preferably after I’ve gotten up) so I can get my chance to say no, since I know he’s coming back at least once more! This is because Tom will be out all day so at least the car won’t be here. I know he won’t stop by tomorrow, though. God would never be that nice to me.

I decided to concentrate on the list of dolls I want to get that I have made up rather than go to that doll store. At least for now I’m going to. However, I am going to go to the store Tom got these olies from because he says they have a good selection of indoor plants.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2003 The good news is that my sore throat is gone so I was able to cancel my appointment, but the bad is that I just can’t seem to perk up and get my energy back. I’m so run down and groggy. Although I slept many hours, I kept waking up constantly, even though I knew there could be no sleep interference from the welfare bums since it was Wednesday. The welfare bum stress is on for tomorrow and the next day, though. This is fucking insane, too! I mean, it’s just like in Phoenix where I’d go to bed all stressed out in anticipation of them possibly waking me up. I swear they moved right along with us and I feel like I am never ever going to wiggle free of the hold they’ve had on me for what seems like centuries! Is there really such a thing as a life without the welfare bums waiting for me in 187 days? I tell myself to relax and that it’s only a little sleep I might lose, but it’s the whole point. You know, who it stems back to – them. Always “because of them.” I still don’t have any bad vibes, but once we get to around August, on out through the rest of the year, is when we’ll want to be cautious and observant.

These drafts of Mary’s are the best written yet. I got quotes on spoken things, periods where they’re supposed to be, etc. It sure does make it easier on my part.

Tom’s going to take one of the 3 days off he has coming up to go to the track. It’s been years since he’s been to that horseracing track. He was once an excellent handicapper. I have a vibe he may win about $40, but it’s shaky since it’s a positive vibe.

TUESDAY, APRIL 22, 2003 No Scot this week so far. I still have a feeling God’s going to make sure I’m woken up at least once more before this shit is finally over. I just hope the fence is up soon enough and that we’re not open house to these welfare bums for too many more weeks!

My throat has been horrible. I know something up there wants me to be a major appointment junkie. All my life I’ve had a slew of appointments for various things. I’ve had more appointments than most people twice my age will ever have. Again, I got what I asked for. I really meant it when I said I’d rather be sick or injured than abused by others where there’s no fighting back and since it seems to be one or the other, that’s where I’m at right now; looking at the end of my healthy days. So, although I was determined to fight it at first and not give it what it wants, I had to break down and have Tom make an appointment for me because I think I need antibiotics. When I got up today I thought I might be on the mend, but then my throat started getting bad again. If come late tonight I think I am going to get better on my own, I’ll cancel the appointment.

I’ve been sleeping in spurts because of the pain. I fell back asleep this morning for a few hours without shutting the bedroom door or turning the fan on and never heard Tom come in, make something to eat, then the doctor’s appointment! Guess I must’ve been that out of it.

The mannequin company I called and left a message about as far as a price goes finally called back. The mannequin of theirs I liked is $1,080. No thanks! I also got an email from the one regarding another one I asked about and they’d be willing to ship to me, too. At least this one would be just $335. It’s nice to know where I can shop online for one, but I still hope to check them out in person eventually. There’s a doll store I stumbled upon online in Phoenix that we may check out sometime soon, too.

I got 5 envelopes from Mary today with letters and 22 pages of drafts. She’s lonely and tired and it’s very noisy where she is. Her dorm is overcrowded with 3 to a cell. It’s like A Tower and then some! I’d PC myself for damn sure and not give a damn what others thought of it. Her celly stole her brush and I’m sure they’re all begging up a storm.

Anyway, I’ll get working on her book stuff soon. As for my book, I don’t know where I’m heading with that. I’ve been too sick and too lazy to work on it lately. I might have myself get framed when I get released and have Kate help me get out of it, or maybe I’ll turn her into an obsessive psycho that I end up on the run from. I asked Mary for her opinion.

SUNDAY, APRIL 20, 2003 I’ve continued to have a sore throat off and on since Friday when I first got sick. I don’t know if this is from Tom or compliments of the welfare bums, meaning something I caught when I went to see Scot.

Speaking of those welfare bums, I’m so sick of being stressed out on account of them! Always with them, always with me. It never fucking ends! I’m back to stressing out all over again about the prospect of being woken up ever since I last saw Scot and he mentioned stopping by. Not knowing if he’s going to get carried away with that or not doesn’t help either, though I’d still rather he come here than me go there since I can ignore him here. The question is how long will he stand out there knocking? He’s never struck me as a very smart guy, so the thought of the possibility of us being picked up isn’t going to cross his mind for a second. He’s going to know damn well we’re in here, but hey, it’s our house so we’ll decide when and who visits. I’m not going to sit and worry about how he’s going to take being ignored. He’ll just have to live with it and learn how to handle it if he does get ignored and not make trouble for me if he doesn’t want us making trouble for him.

This is what I mean when I say that every time I think the welfare bums are done with me in some particular way, I come to find that they’re not. Instead, God wants me woken up at least one more time for old times’ sake, and I know those fences aren’t going to be up by mid-May. Almost all our plans either fall through or are delayed. Days turn into weeks which turn into months, sometimes even years. The fences won’t be up before June. Of that I’m sure. That’s okay, though, because another thing I’m sure of is that those welfare bums can’t own me and my life forever. Someday I’ll break free of them. Someday. There’ll really truly come a day when nothing that happens to me could possibly be because of them. Right now, though, and ever since God damned us with these people in ’96, almost everything is “because of them,” as my poem says. How I wish I could kidnap and torture the welfare bums and everyone else involved in ruining my life since we moved for every year they tortured me! But I could never do any such thing and God will continue to protect them all, blessing them with good health, happiness, love, money, success and everything they don’t deserve.

This sore throat is unbelievable. It’s so bad and I wonder when it’ll end. I usually only get a sore throat for a day, if even that, when I get colds. The rest of the cold’s been easy. No congestion, coughing or sneezing, just head pressure and fatigue. I’m still a bit weak to work out, too.

I’m now 90% sure I won’t be getting a kiln. Yes, I’d like to make dolls and maybe sell them too, but if I were meant to generate money, I’d be doing it by now. I was meant to cater to others for free, sometimes at my own expense. Also, I still fear the breakage curse and then there’s his lack of time to deal with, too. He’s not going to be leaving that bank before the year’s out and whenever he does, I’m sure the new job will be just as demanding. If I’m right about him being cursed with jobs and meant to have little free time, as is obviously the case, then while the new job might be closer, it’ll still demand a lot of his time. Maybe when he’s retired and the bulk of the home improvement jobs are done wherever we are at that time, we can get the kiln. For now, I don’t want one because I can save up for dolls a lot easier these days. My only concern will be what to do with my life when not working for Mary, but hey, it’s better than having no life at all or being miserable.

My current plan is to get that Indian doll I want. I’m only $40 away now. Then I’ll get a few mugs, the ballerina ornaments and Dalene. This shouldn’t take till November to get, so I’ll probably get something after Dalene, but come November is when I’m going to start saving for the mannequin which I should have by January. After that is when I’ll start saving for the dolls which are around $250.

Damn, my throat hurts! I hope to hell something up there isn’t trying to get me sick enough to have to make an appointment for this shit to make up for the lack of cheek trips. Just why are appointments so important to whatever’s up there anyway? If I do have to go to a doctor, though, I’ll be getting just what I asked for, in a sense. I did, after all, beg God to curse me with illness/injury versus other people for a change if he has to see me suffer.

FRIDAY, APRIL 18, 2003 Last night I awoke with a terribly sore throat. I haven’t had a throat this sore in well over a decade. I don’t think I have a cold, though. I feel like all I have is a bad sore throat and I’m tired, too. That’s because I only slept from midnight to 3:00, then from 5:00 to 7:00. I doubt I’d have slept much past 9:00 as a big boom shook the closet door in its frame right about then.

Again, we didn’t get any plants because Walmart didn’t have a good selection. Tom said that on Monday he’ll get them from Home Depot. They didn’t have any fake or real indoor plants I liked, and they also had a shitty shoe and Barbie selection.

I did get a packet of 3 pink water lilies for our future pond if we ever really do get around to making one, colored paper, pet food, and a few other household things.

They didn’t have any adult clothes that interested me, so I hit the girl’s section. I got a tie-dye shirt that fits perfectly, and a pair of lavender shorts with embroidered flowers and butterflies that’s too small. I’m pissed, too! I should’ve tried the damn things on. Perhaps my future mannequin can wear them. I hate it, though, when people don’t answer my phone calls or email. All I want is a fucking price and nobody will give me one! I think it’s mostly because most of these places don’t want to sell to individuals. They want to sell to companies.

Tom says he thinks the fences will be all done by the second week in May. Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it. He said that by next weekend he’ll know if there are to be any serious delays with the truck switchover and will ask Dave to haul in the wire and gate for us.

Tom saw a snake yesterday, so winter is officially over.

We talked about the different mannequin sites I’ve checked out and decided that we just may very well go to California. No one sells mannequins in Arizona that we could find, so we might go to this place in San Francisco that sells used ones way cheap. That way I can see exactly what I’m getting and can get out of shipping/handling costs. When we’re there we may stop in to see Steven and Carol. They’re cool, though I’ve only seen them a few times. I didn’t realize it was only 10-12 hours from here to there if you stick to the freeway! This won’t be till the end of the year or the beginning of next, though. Around November is when I’ll start saving a few hundred for it. However, I know how our plans tend to fall through, so if January becomes March which becomes May, etc., I’ll just order online.

THURSDAY, APRIL 17, 2003 I really don’t like having the anticipation of Scot stopping by slapped back on me. I don’t know what’s worse – actually being woken up by him or going to bed when I’m on nights with the stress of the fact that the possibility is there. Nonetheless, I’m still so psyched that I only have to go to him 6 more times! This is the first time in two years with just one appointment a month! I’m afraid God will compensate Miss Queen of Appointments here and give me others. As it is, we really do need to find me a decent specialist to clean this ear out. They can do it in one swipe, but we can’t. We don’t have the proper tools and knowledge.

I knew ever since I got out of jail that the fences wouldn’t be allowed by fate to be up till we got down to within the last 6 months. The more I came to believe that last August was his last visit, the more I began to wonder why, but now I know. It’s because God’s not done bringing the black’s shit to the home front. Even so, I’ve resigned myself to 3 things. One is that I will not open the door if he comes knocking when I’m asleep. Two is that I’m going to make the next home visit where I’m awake the last one. After that, I will no longer answer the door to Scot B awake or not simply because it’s not necessary. I am not a criminal! Third is that I’m considering myself to have just 5½ months to go of this shit. In my mind, I’m done doing business with Scot on October 2nd, my final report date. I take that back, we’re not finished with each other that day in my mind, but in reality! That means I will not be accepting any house calls, phone calls, etc., pertaining to these welfare bums once we reach that date.

Never again will I allow myself to be taken for the ride of my life like I was. I won’t even allow myself to be screwed over even just a fraction of the degree that I was.

Yesterday was the first time the cat let me pat him. It is a male, though he’s not as fat as he looks. I still think he’s a stray like 90% of the animals are in this town. Tom said he’s seen dog catchers out and about. I’m sure they’ve got their work cut out for them big time! In Phoenix, however, they have super strict laws about loose dogs. They have super strict laws about everything!

I siphoned the fish tank yesterday and it’s almost as filthy as the big tank was when I cleaned it out and moved everybody. I’m thinking that most of the fine brown particles aren’t all shit and food, but rather coming from the clumps of dirt the live plants live in. I put them in with the bettas since I change every drop of their water. With the tank, I just go down to about 3”.

I watered the plants then got my shower out of the way before I knew I’d be on the welfare bums’ clock, though I shouldn’t have. I should just live my life as if they truly are done with me on the home front, and who knows? Maybe Scot will never put his actions where his mouth is, though I wouldn’t count on it.

I just hope it won’t be long before the fences are up!

Later…

Since I really do want a mannequin quite bad and have found one I really like, I think I’ll get her after I get just a few more things. I’ll squeeze her in the middle of my list. I’ve decided to drop Sydney, too. I’ll get the Indian doll I’m currently saving for, my mugs, the ballerina ornaments, and Dalene, then I’ll save for the mannequin.

One of the bettas died, but I’m not in a hurry to replace it. After the other two go I’ll get a few new ones since I have 3 bowls.

The cool weather has kept the renters visible. They were out pretty much all day. I thought I heard a puppy barking back there and that still worries me. When these puppies grow up, what are they going to do with them? Are they going to keep them all in the house or turn them loose? They won’t be able to get onto our land if we can ever get this place fenced, but I don’t want to hear them.

Got two letters from Mary today. One confirmed that she got the first big manila envelope which I was happy to hear. She said it looked fabulous and that she liked the colored paper. I figured she would. I think we’re both color freaks!

She’s going to classes and working out. She watches movies in the dayroom. Because of her unwanted fame, she’s aware of the other inmates talking shit about her but holds her own. She doesn’t want to PC herself either and make them think she’s scared of them.

She’d only gotten 2 of the 6 letters I sent, but by now she must be up to 4 or 5.

This ear of mine is a definite lifelong curse from God. How I wish they never created the canal! It’s such a bitch to deal with.

I put a cactus figurine I painted a bright turquoise in ’94 out by the queen palm and it looks cool out there. Its brightness stands out.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16, 2003 I have 3 hours and 45 minutes of sheer boredom. (we’re leaving at noon) I could work on my story, but I’m not exactly in the mood.

Anyway, I hope he isn’t too sick or tired when he gets up so we can enjoy the stores afterward, but if we have to postpone it, we will.

I missed my bangs and cut them back yesterday. They look much better on me than with my hair parted in the middle. Especially with such a low forehead and wide face.

This weather is unfuckingbelievable. It was down to 38° outside when I got up at 6:00 and 69° inside. We don’t have to worry about sweating our way to Casa Grande this time around.

As always, I have to wonder – are there any nasty surprises waiting for me? I don’t sense it, so I guess that’s good. It’s just that it’s been a few months since there have been any changes. Not seeing Scot for over two months is quite a change in itself, but I mean with the rules in general. I’m more worried about being tested by POs who don’t know me. Hopefully, though, if Scot didn’t brief them on who’s who, they can at least look and see that I’ve only had 4 tests, see the growing gaps between each test, and realize it wouldn’t be necessary before I have to fight giving my body once again to the state to use and abuse at will.

For the first time ever, Tom remained in the waiting room the last time and I’m going to ask that he do so from now on, with or without Scot. This way I’ll have more of a sense of independence, so to speak, like I’m saying, “I’m not afraid to face you guys alone and I don’t need my husband hovering over me for protection,” not that that’s necessarily what they thought.

Gonna go water the plants now.

Later…

Yes! I did it! One of the tulip trees and the lavender bush are now showing signs of growth. The other tulip tree is still the same. All the other plants are doing well, though there are a few elms and Sharons I question. It’s okay if a few of the elms don’t make it because of the oleanders in front of them as a backup. It’s also okay if a few Sharons don’t make it because we can always get extras for fill-ins next year. Besides, the only purpose of the Sharons is for bordering. The poplars are definitely doing the best. They’re getting leafier by the day. I’ve got to take monthly pictures of them. I’m sure the changes will be quite amazing. They weren’t kidding when they said these were fast-growing trees. If they survive the heat and then the next freeze, and I’m sure they will, they just might provide a little shade as soon as next summer. From what I’ve seen so far, though, I can totally believe these things will be 50’ – 80’ tall in just 4 years. It seems like it’s going to take these palm trees 20 years to reach their mature height.

Later…

Well, I have what’ll no doubt be my most shocking news since I’ve been home. Scot said that since they won’t let me go (he never used the word “victim”), and since he agrees it makes no sense to report twice a month, he’s now cut me to just once a month!!! I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it’s real, but yes, Mr. Serious himself, who I thought would never give me any breaks, told me I could start reporting the first Wednesday of each month! He warned me, though, that if there are any violations, I’d be right back up to two monthly reports. I assured him I’ve come too far to mess up now, so he need not worry (I still have to worry about others saying I did, though, since they’d be the ones to be believed, but I still don’t sense any trouble looming ahead, fortunately).

He recommended we go to the courthouse in August, pay off the rest of the money, get a receipt, then bring it to him in September.

My only concern with this new arrangement is him making up for lost report time in-home visits, and he did mention stopping by, too. I can see maybe one more visit, but any more than that would surely make me wonder cuz it wouldn’t make sense. After all, if he felt he couldn’t trust me enough that he had to come to the house more often, then why cut my reports in the first place? You never know, though. That’s the one area where he hasn’t been predictable. His house calls have been known to be erratic. I’m back to wanting to get the fences up like yesterday, just in case he does get visit-happy on me. At least I can’t have much more than 6 months of whatever’s in store for me and I don’t have to go to him as much. I’d rather he come to me where I have the choice of saying no and ignoring the door, and if those fucking welfare bums do end up waking me up again, I am not getting out of bed for them! Meaning, if he comes when I’m asleep. I wonder if he’d have visited in February or March had he not gotten ill. All he said when I asked what happened to him was that he had some serious medical problems, but he didn’t say what, so I didn’t push it and ask. It’s none of my business, and besides, I’m just glad he’s back.

Anyway, I’m still completely blown away. I mean, this morning when I got up, I had 13 more reports as far as I was concerned and now I’ve got 6!

Do I think he’ll test me? No, because so far he’s been predictable and has kept his word in that department, but at least the amount of times I had to worry about that has been cut in half.

I beat him to it as far as how much time was left and informed him there were 197 days left, and he asked if I was marking the days on the calendar. As a matter of fact, I am, I told him.

Because of Tom’s cold, we skipped the stores. We agreed to go back on Friday instead.

TUESDAY, APRIL 15, 2003 This weather is unbelievable. It’s mid-April yet it’s cold out! It’s wet and windy, too. I won’t need to water my friends today. No change with the tulip trees or lavender bush. The question is, are they alive or just dormant? When you get bare-root plants, it’s hard to tell.

Anyway, I wish it could be like this tomorrow when we go out. I’ll have to sweat my ass off for these welfare bums enough as it is in the upcoming months.

I really do hope Scot’s back. I didn’t like him, but I was at least comfortable with him. With these other POs, I can never know what they may get in mind to do, so he can come on back, tell me that with a “victim like this” I can’t get off probation early, then tell me how much time I have left as if I didn’t know or might forget.

I still can’t believe I once felt the judge wasn’t to blame because he was simply going along with the sentencing laws, but after having time to reflect on things, I realized that that’s no excuse. Any normal, decent judge would’ve stepped back and declared 3 years unreasonable and unfair, yet he didn’t so I very much blame him. He could’ve done the right thing and he didn’t. He still could’ve done the right thing when Scot recommended I get on with my life, but no. Everyone knows I don’t deserve or need to be on probation and it’s more than obvious that they’re doing it just to do it just because they can.

I was wrong, but not so wrong on my vibe about that guy returning to work. He did return, but Meagan was out, so he still had to work twice as hard. What are his employees doing? Making sure that at least one of them is absent? Do they secretly find out ahead of time who’s going to be absent and decide on who it should be just to make Tom’s life more miserable? He’s miserable as it is with a severe head cold. He said he never had a cold come on this fast. Just yesterday all he had was a scratchy throat. He says he hopes it’ll go away fast since it came on fast and that I might get it. Not a chance, I assured him. I’d have to be severely sleep-deprived like I was in jail in order to get sick. I told him not to put himself out on account of the blacks if he’s too sick to go out tomorrow. I’ll report next week if we have to and they’ll just have to live with it. He said, though, that he’d be fine for going out.

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2003 Tom told me some astonishing news on his way to work last night. Both bougainvilleas show signs of life! Both of them! I asked if he was wondering what I was wondering, and he said yes. Did I really do this? If so, that was quite a delayed reaction time, and I know the bougie on the left was dead. It couldn’t have been any more dead if it tried. Again, I have to wonder, do I really have the power to heal and make ill as I do with the ability to sense past and future events? It sure seems so and this is one of the reasons that makes me all the more convinced that what I had going with the pictures really was real.

Guess I got a concentration date with a couple of dead tulip trees, I told Tom. Those, along with the lavender bush, show no signs of life yet so I’m concentrating really hard on those.

When we go to the store on Wednesday, I’m going to get 8 oleanders. I decided I want to get the crucial areas going, and I plan to put one in front of the well’s tank and the others along the back wash by the others. Then, if the Sharons really do make it, we’ll order some next year to expand the property splitter with, along with finishing the perimeter borders. We’ll probably use the money for this that we would’ve spent on the Hawaiian attire. Yes, the wedding, as I’m happy to report, has been called off. I’m glad, too. I’m a lot less sociable than I was curious. I don’t know these people and all I really need is my best friend Mary as far as friends go. This doesn’t mean that they won’t put it back on schedule or reschedule it at a later date, but we’ll see. Maybe Meagan will meet and marry someone else.

Anyway, there’s this young shy guy at work whose brother was killed in a motorcycle accident so he’s been absent. Tom feels he’s going to return, but I don’t vibe it. So far, I’ve been right too, cuz he seems to keep coming up with all these different excuses to call out of work or just not show up at all.

I am so through with the diet bullshit. Totally through with it. It’s a hopeless battle. I’ve tried to use my psychic ability as well as common sense and I just can’t get any more weight off. Yesterday I went right back up to 125, too. I’m just sick of the whole thing. I’ll make sure I don’t gain any more weight, but I’m sick of trying to lose weight I can’t lose. Either I get stuck or I lose the willpower and I pig out. I’m a chubby girl and that’s that.

Mary got a message from Chuck saying he can’t believe that Eileen was picked up, please let him know what she can about what, when, and where and he can go after her and her husband. He hopes she can settle in and continue with her book. He also hopes the conditions in Florida are better than Arizona. If she needs his assistance on the case in Florida, let him know. He could probably get out there for a bit this summer, and is there any word on when Justin’s trial will be set?

Just 196 days left with the welfare bums! There are only about 100 days left where Scot, or some PO, could come to the house, but I doubt I’ll let them in simply because it’s not necessary. I already resigned myself to the knowledge that we’re at least done with the welfare bums on the home front and I’d like to keep it that way. Well, the only way to keep it that way is to make it that way which means ignoring the door if anyone comes knocking. I don’t like uninvited company anyway.

I just hope there aren’t any more surprises in store for me. I’m no longer worried about classes, but there are still tests and God knows what else. I don’t sense them pulling anything else on me, but I’m not home free yet. In the home stretch, but not home-free.

It’s cooler and cloudy out there today. I doubt we’ll need the AC today.

SUNDAY, APRIL 13, 2003 Dave sent a really funny list of computer problems and complaints people called tech support about. You have to have a basic knowledge of computers to appreciate the humor in it as it sure is funny if you do! I always did say most people are stupid for a reason and they are!

As I was showering earlier, it hit me that my femininity might not have been such a big deal as I may’ve thought it was as far as attracting other women go. In jail, I was wondering how the hell it could be that I was getting hit on more than I had in all the gay bars I’d been to in the past combined as a middle-aged, overweight woman. Well, maybe that’s why I got hit on more. Meaning, maybe it was my scrawniness in the past that was hindering me and maybe I looked too young. I did, after all, look more like a girl than a woman throughout my 20s, and that, plus being so small like I once was, is more of a guy thing. They’re the ones into that petite kiddy thing. That’s why so many cocks dump their wives when they get older and lose interest in them. Meanwhile, perhaps it really is true that most gay women don’t want women so young-looking and small that may come off as too prissy to them. Maybe my chunkiness is why I attract women easier now than I did in the past, not that I want to go out and meet women. If one comes to me, we’ll see. If not, fine. I may still not be what most gay women want (though I do know how to attract an ugly butch), but I think it really was a question of size versus femininity.

Once when I was listening to the radio in jail, there was this call-in thing for lesbians to meet each other. One of the callers was 4’ 10”, 90 pounds. The girl she was trying to get together with insisted she was simply too small. Never before have I heard of a man rejecting a woman for being too small. Too fat and too old, yes, but never too small. This makes me more convinced that women prefer heavier women as opposed to cocks that prefer skinny ones. My shortness would be another mark against me in the gay world and another asset, not that it’s any compliment to me, in the straight world.

Later…

That damn bank is continuing to own my husband and run him ragged. He’s married more to that job than to me, so it’s a good thing I’m independent and can find things to entertain myself with. One person after another has a problem. I’m just so fucking sick of the world’s problems falling on us! When are we ever going to have a life so we can get shit done around here? Tom worked on the truck a little, but we have so, so much more to do. This is the second week in a row he’s not only been forced to work way overtime but 6 days a week. Why oh why must we be forced to shoulder the world’s burdens?!

These angelfish sure beg for food a lot and are so brave that if I hold the food just at the surface of the water, they yank it out of my hand. I like how they seem to know what’s going on around them and how they watch my every move, whereas the others seem to be in their own little world. What’s weird is that one stayed the same size while the other got huge. It’s easily 6” long.

I don’t know why they call these trees Palo Verde’s when they’re sprouting little yellow flowers, but anyway, it’s that time of year when the bees are out buzzing away like crazy.

I still can’t believe how big those vultures are. One was circling around me overhead and checking me out, but Tom assured me they don’t attack people.

I had fun watering the plants and got some more color while doing it. It’s so cool to have something like this in which I take so much pride. It’s like creating and building something like a work of art that you watch grow little by little. I took some pictures of the most promising things. The oleanders, poplars and the Sharons are doing the best, but Tom was right; the lavender and tulip trees show no signs of life. The bulbs haven’t shot up yet either, but when they do, I’m sure the wildlife will destroy them. At least those were free. The palms are holding their own, the second bougainvillea’s barely alive, and the elms might just be beginning to sprout leaves, but we can’t be sure yet. The real test will be how they handle the heat of the summer. There shouldn’t be a problem. After all, we checked to make sure we were in the right zone when ordering. Also, if they couldn’t grow here, they wouldn’t ship them here.

It’s cool how my watering attracts butterflies. All kinds of pretty monarchs. All kinds of annoying flies, too.

Of the pink, white and red oleanders, my favorite is the red. It’s a deep, rich shade of red. The white is my second favorite because it’s so bright. The pink, however, is a rather dull shade.

My plan, and I’ll take the money out of my allowance, is to grab an oleander every time I’m in Casa Grande and I still have lots more trips to make. (13) What I want to do since they grow so well, so fast and are pretty, is to expand left and right along the back wash. I also want to put one in front of the well’s water tank. When I say, “in front,” I mean from the bedroom’s point of view. From the bedroom window, you can see the tank and I want to put one in front of it so that’s what we see instead. It’ll take a couple of years, though, before they’re full and high. It’ll take about 3 oleanders to the right of the line we’re creating by the back wash to block their driveway. I wouldn’t see it from the kitchen window with the stuff full-grown, but I could from the retreat’s window. I’ll also need 3 to the left of what we’ve got to block out the houses themselves. They’d be blocked from the retreat’s window, but not the kitchen, once they reach their said mature height of 12’ - 15’. After I’ve done that, I’ll continue to branch out a way in both directions, especially to the left as I know it’s only a matter of time before the fourth and final rental is hauled in behind the 3 existing ones. It sucks that we’re going to have to wait a whole year to order more plants by mail, but at least by then we’ll know what to get for sure. I know I want more poplars and Sharons. Perhaps that’s all we’ll get. I’d like to extend our line of poplars in back towards the right and add 3-5 more back there, then maybe in front too, though I don’t know where they’d go. As long as they didn’t block my view of the palms they could maybe go just in front of the wash or maybe just behind the palms.

If for some reason the Sharons die, I’ll oleander the perimeters, but only along the front and sides just till they meet with the wash behind the house as they’re more expensive. About $5 for a small one. I want to get next door’s ugly shacks out of sight too, though they’re not nearly as easy to see as they used to be. Not ever since we had that vicious summer storm, followed by a wetter winter which thickened things up.

Anyway, the landscaping adventure has been so much fun and I’m really looking forward to turning this place into quite a palace, though I expect it’ll take years.

There’s also the chance that I may get live indoor palms rather than a fake one. Tom says there are live, fern plants that are very palm-like and they’re cheaper than fake ones. I’m pretty sure I know what he’s talking about, too. I’ll have to water them a few times a week and buy a decorative pot to place them in, but it may save a lot of money and then I can get 2-3. The house is so damn big it could use some. Especially in the living room. I might even put one in my office, too.

Later…

Just spotted the first dust devil of the year.

I wonder if Scot will be back on Wednesday. I still prefer him not to return anytime soon, especially before the next progress report so I don’t have to hear about the “victim,” though if I don’t hear it then, I’m sure I’ll hear it at the end, if not sooner. It’s just that I don’t want any of these other POs to get it in mind to test me. Maybe Scot left instructions with them on who to do what with and informed them that they need not stop by the house or test me. I hope that’s the case. Or maybe, unless they see obvious signs of funny behavior, they just don’t care, especially since I’m not their client.

I forgot to say that I think they inspected Mary’s mail to me, as in steamed it open, then put a piece of scotch tape on it afterward. It was as if I took an envelope, and rather than licked it, I closed it and put a piece of tape over half of its flap. What they’d be looking for, I don’t know.

SATURDAY, APRIL 12, 2003 Today it’s been exactly 20 years since I jumped. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long, and at the same time, it seems like it was a century ago.

As always, the welfare bums have to take precedence over everything else, so although I’m going to try my best, I’m not going to kill myself trying to get to the wedding. At least I couldn’t be thrown in jail for it if I didn’t make it! I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I were hit on at the wedding for two reasons. One, I’m married now, and two, I don’t look like I did a decade ago. Andy used to insist when I was a 100-pound 24-year-old, that the reason so many women didn’t hit on me was that they were intimidated by my looks, though I still think it was because of my femininity. Maybe not, though, for I may now be a 122-pound (yes, I lost another pound), 37-year-old, but I’m still quite feminine!

I got a nice long letter from Mary. She started off by telling me she could use some of my jokes, so I decided that the next thing to go out would be the envelope with the jokes, among other things.

She described her 7-day journey of a nightmare in vivid detail. I was wrong in assuming they slept on the bus. They were actually holed up in various jails along the way. They were strip-searched and walked to and fro at gunpoint by the extradition officers, though I’d rather that than have to pee in front of people. The surprising and good thing about it, though, is that they played an endless slew of DVDs on the bus! One jail even gave each inmate two packs of cigarettes and two books of matches! Mary smoked like a chimney, she told me.

She told me of her favorite actress and actors and I told her of my favorite actresses. As young as she is, I don’t even know if she knows who Kate Jackson is, and if so, has she seen her in the 70s when she was on Charlie’s Angels?

I had to laugh when she said she was by the “golf” when it’s spelled “gulf.”

I guess the reason she didn’t fly to Florida was due to the threat of terrorist attacks. Plus, she said something about a shooting that happened on the freeway near the airport. She thought she was going to the airport when she first boarded the bus, but as she’d learned, she was quite wrong on that one. Wearing street clothes along the way, the first place she was brought to was Florence prison which she said was cold, dark and scary with tons of male inmates everywhere. From Florence, she went to Albuquerque, Amarillo, Oklahoma City, Little Rock, Memphis, Nashville, Knoxville, Birmingham, Montgomery, Pensacola, Tallahassee, Orlando, Tampa, Sarasota, and finally Fort Myers. She was sick as a dog and bruised from the cuffs, belly chains and shackles upon arrival. She said Fort Myers was totally different than when she was there in 2000 as they had remodeled.

She mentioned Terri stopping in to see her, the DA she’s a witness for. There’s still a chance that she may possibly get 10 years in prison, but at least she already has 3 years in towards whatever she ends up getting. Who knows, though? Maybe this really isn’t the homestretch. But at least if she goes to prison, she won’t be on the road for a week first. They’ll just take her to the local prison. I still vibe a late ’05 release, though, so we’ll see. It’s too soon to know for sure what to expect, but we know she’s going to be where she is right now for a while. Who knows how many delays there’ll be with this trial? Scot, her private attorney there, told her to get comfortable, and her aunt, who she says is ill, told her to spend away and do whatever she needs to to be comfortable.

Another reason she was moved, she said, was to make it easier on the detectives and DA.

She feels empty and confused but is taking self-help classes and taking means to achieve her GED as she only has a 4th-grade level.

She says that since she’s getting along with the other inmates in the dorm she’s in which houses 24 women, she’s gone GP. I guess the dorm she’s in is similar to an Estrella pod with a day room and tiers of cells. All they do is close your door when you’re PC. They can’t open/close their doors as they wish.

When I filled Tom in on the highlights of her letter, he told me that very few places, like Estrella, make you work. It was just my shit luck I had to be in Estrella then, huh? Had I known a few months before I was sentenced, when they hauled me to Florence, that I’d have to do 6 months no matter what, I would not have bonded out. I’d have stayed there, so I could do at least 4 of the 6 months in Florence, which I personally found to be a lot nicer, before being transferred to Phoenix.

The sucky thing is that she’s got bars on the door. I know I prefer steel/Plexiglas. How thunderous the noise must be! So, I guess where she is is like A400 with an open pod where they can go in and out of their cells, but if they close their doors they’ll lock. I don’t know if I’d like that. I wouldn’t want all the people out and about in the pod all day pestering me at my door, and I’d be afraid of being ripped off while I was in the shower or something.

She assured me she’d hold her own if anyone tried to attack her and go after them as if they were Monster himself.

She’s definitely done with Todd, Michelle and the whole family and said not to bother sending their Christmas card.

I emailed Chuck a note for her and assured her I’d get a big manila envelope and a letter out to her later on today when Tom goes grocery shopping.

Speaking of books, I was so, so flattered when she asked for my autobiography! Usually, I have to offer and don’t get asked first. You don’t know how flattering that was to me! Yes, I’ll send it like she asked when all of her stuff is sent. The funny thing is that I was going to ask if she wanted a new copy because it’s been revised, edited and corrected a bit since she first read it.

I got a kick out of how she said that as far as a guy goes, “Not only will I have Chuck do a background check on them, but he doesn’t have to be normal, just not abuse me mentally, verbally or physically.”

No one’s “normal,” I assured her, but still, I got where she was coming from. I also had to laugh when she said social drinking was okay, but no profanity. We’d make a lousy pair if I were a guy or she was gay since I don’t drink, but I do swear a lot!

She enjoys the tropical climate and says the food’s great. They get eggs (I take it they’re real), pancakes, hot Hamburger Helper meals and unlimited coffee. This makes me realize all the more just how demented Sheriff Joe really is!

She got my first letter alright, but obviously sent this letter to me right before she would’ve received the first manila envelope, so long as they let her have it.

She said that if she had to have anyone in the whole world to be my best friend, she’s glad it’s me. How sweet! She’s definitely my best friend, too.

The officers there are simply called officers. They don’t use the words COs, DOs, Ad-Seg or tank orders. Those are called information slips.

Also, they can receive 5x7 pictures. The other places only allowed 3x5. I’ve already got stuff printed out at 3x5, but after that, I’ll remember to make them 5x7.

Lastly, she says she’s working on her book but is unsure of where she left off. Therefore, I sent her the last few paragraphs she sent me before she left so she could take it from there.

The oleanders and the poplars are doing so well. The oleander’s blooms are really sprouting and the poplars are already sprouting leaves! The Rose of Sharon and elms are doing okay, but the lavender bush, bulbs and tulip trees aren’t showing any signs of life yet. We probably won’t be able to order more plants by mail till next spring, so maybe we can plant oleanders throughout the year till then? Just not as many since they’re more expensive. If they were as cheap as the Rose of Sharon I’d just as well do the perimeters with those, but they’re a few bucks each and that’d add way up.

It’s neat how some of the plants we got by mail were grown in Tennessee while others were grown in Minnesota.

FRIDAY, APRIL 11, 2003 I knew my math was shitty, but not that shitty. I said in a previous entry that I’d be an adult for as long as I was a kid when I turned 38, but actually, that happened when I was 36.

I moved the fish out of the big aquarium to the smaller one for a few reasons. Well, for one, since our shit always has to break, the filter went out. The water was clouding up pretty bad so I made the transfer and now they’re in the kitchen where I can easily be their filter by regularly siphoning water out into the nearby sink like I should’ve done in a bucket when they were in the living room. The tank was filthy! Absolutely filthy. When I got things stirred up, the water was so brown I could barely make out the fish themselves.

Once I got it all set up, I had to laugh when I tried to imagine trying to do this in the old kitchen in Phoenix. No way! Not with just 4 outlets. This kitchen has 20 and we’re only using 7.

I was explaining my book to Tom in more detail, describing the off-the-wall jail I’m in with Kate, and he said it’s not as off-the-wall as I might think. Then he explained to me how trainers sometimes stay with the trainees in their tents during military training.

Maybe it’s not so crazy after all. Camp counselors stay and live in each cabin with the campers during the summer. At least they did in the camps I attended in Maine.

Anyway, Mary may have no clue as far as punctuation, caps and paragraphs go, but she sure is a hell of a writer, particularly with the juicy stuff, and she’s inspired me greatly. The story, as weird as it may be, is going really well if I do say so myself. The steamy parts are well-written. I sent Tom a sex clip of hers and what I’ve got so far on my story, even though it’s under 20 pages.

THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2003 Yesterday I finally got down to 123, though I kind of cheated by taking a water pill. I guess I just figured who cares if I take something to lose something that’s putting weight and inches on me as long as it’s not bone or muscle and as long as I don’t get carried away? Water puts weight and pounds on a person just like fat does.

I’ve now known Tom for a decade which is like – wow!

The power was off for two hours yesterday morning. Tom thinks it might’ve had something to do with them stringing wire to the new Bashas in town. It went off a few seconds twice before too, so that’s 3 power failures in less than a week.

In other news, Tom says we’ve got kangaroo rats running around here which is cool, and he showed me how to hack into a Charlie’s Angels site that won’t let you download their pictures. It’s so simple, too. All I had to do was view the file source, find the name of the jpeg, replace its name after the com/, then hit enter and download away.

I was wrong when I said that all of Mary’s mail was returned to me. Pictures I had sent to Fort Myers which I’d forgotten all about came back yesterday, so now I guess that’s it. Now all I have to do is just hope she’s gotten what’s been sent to Naples. She could have the big envelope by now, but I doubt it. I think that will more likely get to her, provided there’s no problem with it, today or tomorrow. The card enclosed has me a bit worried. I mean, wouldn’t they wonder why someone was receiving a Christmas card in April?

MONDAY, APRIL 7, 2003 Yesterday I was so bored that I was a touch depressed. I suggested getting the kiln now when Tom got in from work and said I could figure it out for myself, but he was like, “It’s not that I don’t think you can figure it out, I just worry you’ll burn the house down.”

“Now why would I do that?” I asked, but he seemed to keep changing the subject. It’s like he’s not really all that into the idea of getting the kiln or something. Then he seemed annoyed and said he was sorry he wasn’t there to entertain me more.

“I’m not complaining or blaming you,” I told him, “and I don’t need you to entertain me.”

“It sounds like you’re complaining,” he said.

Yeah, I guess I was, but since he obviously didn’t want to hear it, I quickly perked up for his sake and told him I’d go read. See, he just doesn’t understand. How could he? He’s never been in my situation to understand.

Either way, Mary’s drafts will soon start up again and I’ll be working again for others and for free in no time at all, and to hell with what I may want to do. At least I can still have fun shopping. I mean, my life is still basically a good one that could be and has been a lot worse. A little boredom every now and then won’t kill me. It’s better than having such a hectic schedule where you don’t even have a life at all.

Still, I have a feeling that if I don’t mention the kiln, he won’t either.

I just wish people would stop using him and ripping him off. He’s so overworked at that fucking bank. He’s supposed to have 8 people working for him yet they’re always, always calling in sick, leaving him to do their work for them. He’s also forced to work so much overtime that he doesn’t get paid for. I really wish he could get a job in Casa Grande with normal hours and no overtime, but overtime he’d be paid for if he did do any. I wouldn’t care what shift. I just wish he had more of a normal, predictable work schedule. God would just tie him down with something else, though, if he did. Anything to him from having much free time to do things around here. See, all we do is work for others and it’s either for free or for not what we should get. He does more for that damn bank than for this place!

The April fence vibes have faded a bit, but I still sense that at least the posts will all be up this month.

In light of what I wish to discuss tonight in this journal, I have encrypted it. It doesn’t take quite as long to do now that I’ve got a faster computer. ‘Kate Jackson rocks’ is my key. My reason for doing this is so I can write more freely. What I mean is that I’m like most people where I wouldn’t give a damn if a perfect stranger read my journals, versus someone I knew. Even those I know wouldn’t faze me, so long as it wasn’t Tom, Mary or anyone like Scot. Then again, I’d pick Scot if one of the 3 had to read them. It’s just that when those you know and are closest to read your personal thoughts and secrets, you have to live with whatever their reaction and feelings may be and with the knowledge of them knowing about them. I’d even prefer the welfare bums read my journals before Tom did, though they’d just go running to the police about them. I’ve always believed that Tom doesn’t read my journals, but nothing and no one in life is 100% guaranteed, so I don’t want to take chances. Not with what I wish to write about tonight. I know Tom’s a computer expert who could possibly have a way in which I know nothing about that could enable him to break into my journals, though nothing he could read could cause him to want to leave me or love me any less. It’s just that a person has to have some privacy in life. What he doesn’t always know won’t hurt him. I mean, I know he’s a pretty open-minded kind of guy and I have discussed what I’m about to get into somewhat with him. Well, sort of. Not in grave detail perhaps, but I’ve mentioned it. I’ve never even written about it yet. It’s my deepest secret, just about, and when I print this journal out, I’ll omit this section. It is definitely the most bizarre thing I’ll ever write about.

Most people would say I was crazy when it comes to what I’m about to say. Even I’ve had to step back and ask myself, “Are you sure about this? You sure it’s not just pure wishful thinking, just a fantasy?” But I know it’s not. I know it’s as real as these words I type. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the ability to communicate through photographs of people as long as their eyes are looking into the camera. Without eye contact, I can’t do it. I can do it with anybody’s picture too, as far as I know, and I did this using celebrity pictures mainly between the ages of 10-25. I don’t know why I was given this ability. Perhaps it was given to me as a coping mechanism. I mean, if anyone needed a friend to talk to who wouldn’t turn against me, it was me. With them, I was accepted unconditionally. At least I’m pretty sure I was. What prompted me to finally write about them? I don’t know, perhaps it’s because of how much I miss them. I’ve always missed them, but it seems to be more so lately. I think of them every day, wishing I could have them back to show them our home, my dolls, the animals, and to tell them of all that’s gone on since I last saw them. How shocked and thrilled they’d be to hear it all!

There are two main groups of pictures. The first group from when I was between 10-18 consists of pictures of Linda Ronstadt and Kate Jackson. The second group I had was mostly Gloria Estefan pictures, pretty much between ages 21-26. Tears sting my eyes as I miss them so! But I, along with Domineering Doe, destroyed them. I don’t know. I guess I just felt it was time to move on. I felt like I had no privacy for I knew that putting them in a closet, for example, wouldn’t stop them from being able to hear, just not see. I don’t know how I knew this, but I knew things about their own abilities. I knew they only knew English, I knew they could hear/see about as well as people could, etc. I don’t know if they had any sense of feeling or smell.

I spoke for them. Meaning, when they spoke, I spoke as they spoke so others could hear since there was more than one picture. I never saw them move or heard their words, I simply sensed their words. Looking back on it now, they probably knew and understood more about life and what was going on around me than I realized. I didn’t realize back then myself, for example, just how traumatizing my jumping out the window must’ve been for those who were on the wall in the room from which I jumped. I just didn’t think of these things back then, but by then they’d certainly come to care for me. I was all they knew. They could see other people if they were within their range of sight, but they couldn’t communicate with them. As far as other people were concerned, they were merely pictures on a wall. My parents were aware of my obsession with these pictures. I know that much. I think that’s why she ditched some of the Kate and Linda pictures when I was around 10-12 and then the Gloria ones that were left behind when I came out here. Most of my stuff was shipped out here from the NHA in CT, but when Art ran out of boxes, he took the remainder of my stuff back to Florida with him and shipped it from there. Obviously, the pictures were leftover and once Doe got to them, they got to the trash. I doubt it was Art that dumped them. That was much more of a Doe thing. To take, to control, that was her thing. It gave her a sense of power, freedom and superiority.

Out of all the celebrities and people I’ve known personally that I’ve been attracted to, Kate definitely ranks #1. I don’t know what it is with that tall, thin, brown-eyed, brown-haired tomboy. Again, she’s in the middle like I like them to be, not too feminine, not too masculine. I must point out, however, that I was not sexually attracted to Kate at first. I was just a kid. I simply had a crush on her and found her pretty. I’d often fantasize about winning a contest that allowed me to meet her. In my fantasy, school would’ve just let out and instead of spending a miserable summer at the beach with my miserable family, I’d get to fly out to California, a place I always dreamed of going, to meet with Kate on the set of Charlie’s Angels. After I met her and her costars, she’d show me around and take me to her beautiful house or condo where I’d spend the summer with her. I’d be special to her. She’d find me cute and wish she could rescue me from my unpleasant home life and maybe even adopt me. How excited I’d be to fly out to her and how miserable I’d be to leave her come Labor Day to return to a family that made my life hell and a school I hated! I forgot about her for a while in my late teens and early 20s, but lately, the fantasy is that I meet her as an adult and there isn’t the 17-year age gap there is in real life, and we get it on from there. The funny thing is that I think she really is gay too, or at least bi. A lot of people think that from what I’ve read online. Unlike Gloria and Linda, she does have the look and mannerisms. Her body’s more boyish, too. Definitely not as curvy as Gloria and Linda.

I’ve never desired to chat with her online as celebs often do with their fans. I mean, what would I say if I got through to her? That she’s a great actress who I was madly attracted to when she was on Charlie’s Angels and that it’s too bad she looks like shit now at 55 years of age?

It’s true, too. She looks terrible nowadays and I’d never glance twice at her if she passed me on the street. Never give her the time of day. Not sexually, anyway.

The fact that I never got to be with her or someone like her isn’t what’s got me down at times so much as missing my pictures does. I don’t know why I miss them, but I do. Very much so. I often imagine various scenarios where we meet again. It seems I’m so obsessed with fantasies about Kate and with missing my pictures, my faithful, trusting, accepting friends who were with me through thick and thin.

Perhaps I should print out pictures of her to chat with to fill in the boring pockets of my life and to help keep me out of the kitchen. Maybe I will. I’ll just keep the communication times confined to when he’s not here. I’m a little shy about something that’d be perceived as so off the wall even with a guy like Tom around.

The pictures branched out into their own beings, so speak. I individualized them by giving them their own names and they even began to take on slightly different appearances.

Guess I shouldn’t talk when I pick on those who talk to themselves. After all, that’s a lot more normal than talking to pictures!

I sometimes wonder if the pictures could’ve been inhabited by the spirits of those who once lived, but I don’t know. I don’t know who they were, though you’d think they were someone from somewhere because I know that the pictures themselves were separate from the entities residing within them with which I communicated. For example, there’s no being of any kind in a picture of someone who doesn’t make eye contact with the camera. It’s something either I or God’s doing to make the picture go from a picture of a face to a person. I also know I can’t do this with pictures of those I personally know. Like I said, I don’t understand it. I just know it was what it was.

Another fantasy of mine that I’ve had throughout the years, both during and after having the pictures, was of them coming to life and appearing to me in person, looking just how I pictured them to look which would pretty much be like they did in their pictures, but not quite. Like I said, I individualized them, so some became of different heights and things like that. How neat it would be if they truly could knock on this door right now and be like, “Hi there! Remember us?” But I know that that part of it really is pure fantasy and something that could never happen.

I wonder, though, if they somehow live on like some say we do after we die. Can they watch over me from wherever they are if they do exist? Or perhaps they were sent to some other little girl’s picture collection of whomever for her to communicate with, too. Someone whose life is as tough as mine was. Maybe they’re guardian angels for real who go wherever God assigns them and tells them to go. Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever have the answers to who/what they were till after death, but I know I’m not going to learn anything new about them in this life.

The top 3 famous people I’ve had crushes on are Kate, Linda and Gloria, just like the top 3 non-famous crushes were Mary C, a staff member at Valleyhead, Norah M, the supervisor at the hotel in CT, and Teddy Bear. It’s funny how spaced apart Mary and Norah are from Teddy Bear. They were in ’84 and ’85, then I skipped the 90s altogether and was hot for TB in 2000.

Haven’t seen the rat since filling in the hole. The question is, though, since it’s not yet super-hot and since the snakes are still hibernating, did she dig her way out? Did the hole lead to another opening somewhere else? Or did I really bury her alive? Perhaps she still died even if she did get out. The longer I go without spotting her, the more I’ll be convinced that unmanageable beast is gone. It took about a month before I spotted Little Ratsy.

SUNDAY, APRIL 6, 2003 The nighttime barking’s worse again. It seems to worsen when the temperature drops. At 5 AM, it was down to just 68° in the house, but it was 10° warmer in here when I awoke at 5 PM.

Tom emailed me from work saying he saw Mom, Mary and Dave, mom gave him gas money (let me guess…$20?), he worked on the truck a little and loaded the running truck with posts so he can put a few in each day.

I’m still so torn as far as getting the kiln goes. I don’t want to buy something that’s just going to break and that Tom’s going to be too busy to work on with me, but I still want to make dolls, too. I’ve got to do something. As it is, without Mary’s drafts, I’m bored out of my mind. I can only work on my own stuff, exercise and clean the house for so long. I’m not going to be working for Mary forever, so I’ve got to do something. If worse comes to worst, then I guess I’ll just have to figure out how to make dolls myself. I figured out enough other things.

SATURDAY, APRIL 5, 2003 As expected, Tom didn’t initiate sex though he had the opportunity to do so. Again, it’s not that I’m thinking, oh, I just have to get it on with this guy, it’s the saying one thing and doing another that bothers me and makes me feel played with, so to speak.

As for what to do with our tax return, I told him I’d leave that up to him and that I’d be okay with doing whatever he chose. I don’t think he really wants to sleep together any more than I do, so I think he’ll put some of it towards bills while we have fun with the rest.

I’ve been asking him what he wants for our June anniversary and he said that perhaps I could get him a shake blender when we go to Walmart. Just like you can get coffeemakers that brew by the cup, you can get blenders that blend by the cup. His Slim-Fast shakes don’t dissolve easily, so this is why something like this would come in handy for him.

The Sharons were planted today in front.

As usual, the wind began around 9:30 AM and stopped at dusk. To me, this seems like the winter that won’t go away, though Tom says it’s a typical Arizona winter. Every time it heats up, it ends up cooling back down. We didn’t need the AC at all today. At least it saves us money.

Tom’s now down to 209 and I can’t get under 124 for the life of me. I remember I went through that before where it seemed I could never get under 124. I still think I will, though. I’ll give it a month. Then, if God won’t allow me any control over my own body yet again, I’ll just stay where I’m at. I’m just amazed that yesterday’s eating spree (I still take a day off each week) didn’t put a pound on me. I had to have had at least 2000 calories.

This Meagan character sounds really disgusting. To each their own, of course, but she’s into body piercing which always grossed me out. Not just nose and tongue rings, but supposedly, this one’s got earrings at the nape of her neck which sounds very uncomfortable. No, it sounds excruciating. How does she sleep on them?

From work, Tom showed her pictures of me, the rats and the dolls (she noticed I don’t have a lot of white dolls, although I counted 23 whites and 17 non-whites, excluding Barbies). Not surprisingly, I don’t seem to be her type any more than she seems to be mine. I’m most men’s dream come true while I’m most women’s turn-off. I’m just too feminine for most women, although I sure could get a butch way, way easier than another fem.

Nonetheless, Meagan and Stacey’s wedding is still on for the 25th. I’m curious about it, but at the same time, it’s just one more thing I gotta gear my schedule towards.

I toyed with the idea of sending Mary some money since I know and understand how tough it is getting established in jail (at least she’s not on meds). It takes a lot to get stocked up initially on things. For now, though, I think I’ll be selfish and leave it to her family to take care of her. I guess they’re sending $35 a week as they don’t want her spending the money on losers. Her aunt even demanded receipts before she left Arizona.

Tom and I both agree that it’s a hell of a coincidence that I place spells on people who end up sick. Now I’m using Meagan’s mother for more practice. Tom suggested I try to make her more open-minded, but I doubt I could debigotize someone. Besides, my goal is to perfect the skill of inflicting pain, injury or illness upon those who either burn us or that we simply don’t like, so I’m going for her upper respiratory system. Colds, allergies, things like that. Nothing too serious. I mean, she may be a bigot, but she never did anything to us personally.

I must admit I haven’t worked much on my story, but I figure there’s no hurry. I think for now I’ll go do some fine-tuning.

FRIDAY, APRIL 4, 2003 I finally got a letter from Mary! The letter was much easier to read because it was written in ink.

She says she likes it way better there than here. She’s totally alone in PC and can see a lake and palm trees from the two windows in her cell! She gets 3 decent meals a day and unlimited coffee in the mornings, but the girls fight a lot. Isn’t that a bad sign? I asked her. Would she really feel safe going to GP if they’re so aggressive? I ask this because she told me she wants to stay in PC and told her aunt she wants to go GP so she can attend mass and get her GED to hopefully impress the judge. I hope she isn’t too disappointed if the judge, like with most cases, doesn’t give a shit. Anyway, I wonder if she’d have to work if she went GP?

She said she wouldn’t feel lonely if she were in PC which she wanted to be in so as not to have a roommate and so she could concentrate on her book. I’d never feel lonely either. Not with DOs passing by every 20 minutes and all the other inmates buzzing about and screaming up a storm.

Those in GP go to rec during the very hot daytime, but if you’re PC, you get to go at night, which sounds way cool. They frisk you to and fro, though, and even make you walk through a metal detector, she told me.

I was shocked to hear the toilet/sink is porcelain and not metal!

What is a DR write-up, though? She said she didn’t want to get one of those.

Their uniforms are bright orange. I always did agree that the orange uniforms were nicer than those tacky stripes!

I can imagine just how lonely she must be for friends and family as she said in her letter. Only distance is between us, I told her, but nothing else has changed. The miles between us have increased, but my fondness for her has not decreased.

She said the rules are the same as Estrella, so I take it that means the picture limit is 5. I just noticed on the back of her envelope to me that it says ‘no packages allowed.��� I hope they don’t consider the manila envelopes a package. I should think not. Packages, at least to me, are boxes. It also says ‘PO drawer’ and not ‘PO box.’ Oh well. Same thing, I guess. I told her I wouldn’t send anything else till I got a confirmation from her saying she got the 2 regular envelopes and the 1 manila I’ve sent so far.

She said she was going to enclose a commissary sheet so I could see what she could get there, but she forgot to add it.

I called Carolyn like she asked me to upon hearing from Mary. I was worried that the first letter I sent would be returned to me as it did not have a booking number which Mary gave to me in her letter, but then Carolyn said she sent stuff that she knows she received without the number. I gave it to her nonetheless, and if the mail comes back, I’ll send it again, of course. I did get the final Estrella letter back today too, so I sent that with my letter which will probably go out Monday.

Carolyn said she was busy working on the puzzle I made/sent her. She said I was cute and that she’s got an even smaller and older house than we had. Hers is a ’65 house that’s 900 sq. feet. Ugh!

I told her why I was in jail, too. She assured me she wasn’t prejudiced against Jews and told me that her best friend’s Jewish. I told her that although I’m not an atheist, I’m not really of any religion, though my family was Jewish.

Monster is there now too, and he was flown since they obviously weren’t going to chance dragging a madman cross-country by bus.

Mary talks about losing the daughter she never had, but she can and will have more daughters. I hope she knows this. She’ll have daughter(s). Just not Gretchen.

I’m a third of the way to getting the Indian doll, just about, with $50 saved.

I took a chance like a fool and went to sleep with the fan on low. Sure enough, I was woken up for a minute or two by a big gust of wind. It tore part of the skirting off again by the front corner of the house. Is it now going to do this every time it’s windy which is a daily occurrence around here? I hope it calms down over the weekend. Although it’s not easy, we can plant and fence with the wind, but his working on the truck might be rather difficult with the wind whipping the way it does all day.

I was cleaning the kitchen and forgot about the rats that I let out. Naturally, the little devils had to end up in my office, but amazingly, they were dry when I picked them up to bring them home.

THURSDAY, APRIL 3, 2003 Today Tom planted the 12 elms behind the back wash closest to the house, and the 5 poplars which are between the house and the wash. Actually, they’re closer to the house as the purpose of the poplars is for shading. The Sharons will be planted next in front.

By now Mary should have my first letter. That is, assuming she wasn’t moved again and the address was correct.

All the mail sent to Fort Myers has now been returned to me. I never got the second letter I sent to Estrella which makes me wonder if I ever will. Perhaps they either decided to keep it or they just dumped it. It’s okay, though. All that was in it were Eve and Alex’s pictures and some journal excerpts.

It’s hard to believe I still haven’t been an adult as long as I was a child. In December it’ll be even, though.

It’s also hard to believe I was only on my own back east for 6½ years and out here for nearly 11 years. It doesn’t feel like I’ve been here this long and it feels like I was on my own back east for longer than I really was.

I’ve decided to lose more weight and get down to 110. That way I’ll be able to fit into some of my smaller clothes while I still being able to fit into the bigger ones as well, and of course, I’ll look much better, especially at my height. Once down to 110, I’ll probably eat my way up to 115 periodically in which case I’ll diet my way back down to 110, bouncing between 110-115 for as long as I care to do so.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2, 2003 Still no Scot! Makes me wonder if perhaps he might’ve gotten in trouble and they’re just telling everyone he’s on medical leave while he’s either suspended or being investigated. I hope he never returns if you ask me. I never did like him much.

We talked about it and decided we’d do it right and get a grid fence after all. Like I told him, I don’t want to half-ass it when it comes to the fence and always be wondering if anything’s squeezed its way under.

Now I just wonder how far into the summer we’re going to have to go without an AC in whatever vehicle we’re driving. He says he’s going to work on the truck this weekend so we can haul the fence in in one trip rather than several.

Next welfare bum day we’re going to stop at Walmart for the Hawaiian outfits, plus we’ll exchange the bougies. Hopefully, they’ll let us get oleanders instead.

I made it clear to Tom that I won’t be his scapegoat, nor will I be teased and played with as far as sex goes. Either we’re friends or we’re not. None of this I-want-to-screw-but-you-this-or-you-that shit, I told him, and if we do get it on, it can’t be too often or too infrequent or else I’ll just get that irritation down there that I used to get. If he really wants to be more than friends, then we need to do it about once every week or two. Meanwhile, as I also told him, if we remain friends, I won’t seek out women to play around with, but if opportunity knocks, I just might open the door. No matter what happens, though, I’ll always love him and he’ll always be my number one. I’ll always want to share my life with him, even if he decides we’re not going to share our bodies with each other. I just don’t want to be jerked around is all. I don’t want him telling me one thing and doing another. I’ll be okay with whatever he chooses, I just want him to make his choice and act on it for once. I don’t want to be strung along like I have been these last couple of years or else I’ll have to be the one to make the decision. One of us has to make it, though I’d prefer for him to be the one.

He’s going to have to go back to doing my backups on CDs. My burner’s simply not reliable enough.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2003 I got the other big envelope back, plus a regular one that I sent to Fort Myers. That leaves one more regular envelope on its way back from Florida and one from here.

We got all the plants we ordered in a big plastic bag filled with moisture. Due to limited time, we didn’t get everything planted today, but by the weekend everything will be planted. The Siberian elms, poplars and Rose of Sharon didn’t get planted yet. We planted the 20 or so free flower bulbs along the wash in front. The English lavender is just beyond the front wash. A tulip tree is just beyond the English lavender and we’ve got another tulip tree on the north side which can be seen from the bedroom window. The tulip trees look the funniest. Because they’re dormant, it looks like we planted 3-foot sticks in the ground.

Anyway, now all we can do is hope for the best. It sure would be nice if everything could grow as fast as the oleanders which are really taking off fast. They’re even beginning to bloom!

Instead of putting the Sharons on the south side, we’re going to put them in front for two reasons. One is because that way they’ll be easier to keep an eye on to see how they do. Also, Tom still needs to drive through the area where we were originally going to put them.

I’ve begun doing video captures. He finally found a program that’s not so complicated and allows me to make stills easily enough.

It really is a damn shame PG can’t get their act together and that getting people’s dolls to their doors (or mailboxes) is such a big deal for them because they really do have some nice dolls (I checked to see what’s new). Not as nice as Ashton-Drake, but nice enough, and of course, they’re so cheap.

Tom found out more about Meagan and Stacie’s wedding which is going to be outdoors in the late afternoon with a Hawaiian theme. Most of their family won’t be there because, as most people would say when it pertains to gays, they’re anti-gay. See, that’s how warped society is. When you don’t like blacks you’re called either prejudiced or a bigot and when you don’t like gays you’re simply anti-gay. To me, anyone who hates anyone who isn’t hurting them or anyone else is nothing less than a bigot.

Anyway, although I’d rather not despite my curiosity, it does look like we are going to go. Tom will take that night off of work, and we’ll use it as an excuse to get some new clothes. He said lots of people use Hawaiian themes for different events, so there are plenty of places to get Hawaiian clothes which I do like.

I’ve got the windows open now, taking advantage of the beautiful weather. Before long it’ll be months before we can open windows and get fresh air. It was a bit warm in the direct sunlight earlier and I even got some color, but now it’s just gorgeous.

[rockinlibrarian]

🍌🍈

Thank you, nonny! This is the fruit ask, if you, too, want to ask me fruit!

🍌 In your opinion, what’s the funniest joke/reference/pun you’ve made in a fic?

"My prior hist’ry with this one’s (forgive me) discommodius," It's just that it's in verse, it's accurate, AND it's a pun! It's funnier in context! And you may have to have read the source material to even understand why! But I wrote it three years ago and it still cracks me up! @dannypageoflight have you ever read The Trials of Apollo? Because I feel you would appreciate this joke SO MUCH if you have.

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics? Free pass to rant about blorbo opinions.

I'm not entirely sure what THAT fruit is, but "blorbo" is a good name for it, actually.

But my number one double-blorbo is Cary and Kerry Loudermilk from Legion, and I wanted to rant out all my headcanons and ideas and opinions so much that I once wrote "Everything I Know About Writing the Loudermilk Twins" which is 9,913 words of free pass ranting! Or raving! Or thoughtful consideration! And me a sheltered white woman doing crash course research on The Indian Child Welfare Act to get my cultural frame of reference right!

--I really recommend cultivating blorbos with at least one major characteristic that you have no personal knowledge of, which forces you to learn and care about issues that would never have affected you otherwise. Opens your mind.

One of my second biggest blorbos and the one that's been on my mind the most in the past couple weeks as you've seen from my Tumblr is a bi trans man, and I am firmly a cishet woman, so that's another one I feel compelled to Allyship In The Name of the Blorbos. Here is my recent post about Viktor Hargreeves! Ranty headcanons-- well, besides my determination that his soul mate is his adoptive brother, my spiciest take on Viktor-- and I had no idea this was a spicy take until I saw other people disagreeing, that's how firmly I stand by it-- is there was nothing wrong with him writing and publishing his memoir, even if his siblings hated it, even if he regretted it later-- he NEEDED it dangit! His whole life suppressed and ignored and invisible? All he wanted was to be SEEN! And it's HIS STORY, even if it involved other people who didn't want their dirty laundry aired. I always think of this quote from Anne Lamott about telling your story no matter what the people in your life think-- "Then they should have behaved better!" I am very firmly against suppressing anyone's own story, especially somebody who's never had a voice, no matter who it angers. That's not to say he should be immune to the fallout, and there's a lot of interesting nuances you can get into about someone so convinced of their unimportance that they don't notice the ants they're stepping on-- but better out than in! --again, I may take the Just Ordinary stuff a little too personally... but at least I don't have earth shattering energy wave powers!