#but i am also missing something that it appears catholic mass provides that the rest of my religious life cannot

[freyjuseggr]

teehee religious crisis time again :)

[aj-artist]

Take Me to Church

Pairing: Dean X Castiel 

Word count: 3,728

Warnings: none.

Summary: Dean blinks stupidly for a moment, “You go to church?” Castiel puts down a book and sighs, “Yes, Dean. I go to church.” 

______________________________________________________________

                    It’s a regular Sunday morning for Dean Winchester. He’s wearing his best pair of sweat pants and nothing else as he plods over to the TV room and crashes down into the couch for some early morning shows. He scratches at his chest and yawns as he points the remote towards the black screen, hardly noticing when another person walks by in the hallway, patting their pockets like they’re looking for something.

                   “Dean, have you seen my tie?” Castiel calls as he crouches down to look underneath the coffee table.

                   “Not if it’s not being worn by you or the bedroom floor,” Dean winks.

                   “I’m serious. I have to get going soon or else I’m gonna be late.”

                   “Late for what?” He pulls his attention away from the TV to see Castiel dressed up in a nice button-down shirt and black slacks. His usually unruly black hair is combed back and tamed nicely atop his head, but his sleeves are bunched up at his elbows as he moves things around the room, searching for his elusive tie to complete his ensemble. “You don’t have work today, do you?” Dean asks with a skeptical tone to his voice, he’s pretty sure Cas has never worked on Sundays before – but this is the first Sunday since Cas moved in, so he could be wrong.

                   “No. Not work. I have church.”

                   Dean blinks stupidly for a moment. “You go to church?”

                   Castiel puts down a book and sighs, “Yes, Dean. I go to church.”

                   “But, I mean….aren’t you…” Dean fumbles with his words as Castiel looks at him with an eyebrow raised in warning. “I just didn’t think you would want to go to church because you’re gay.”

                   Castiel rolls his eyes and turns back to his searching, speaking over his shoulder as he says, “My sexuality does not define me or negate my beliefs. There’s no rule against me attending mass for a religion I am a part of.”

                   “Huh,” is Dean’s only reply as he ruffles his brow and thinks on the subject. In his experience, anyone even remotely deviating from the social norms was an avid atheist or non-believer all together. He’s so used to hearing shitty sermons on how gays are going to hell and anyone not part of this church or that religion is going to burn forever in whatever underworld while the chosen few laugh from their comfy seats in the heavens above. Dean doesn’t really like to get involved in conversations pertaining to religion, especially if he knows someone is going to get offended, which is always. But then again, he has nothing against those that do practice their faith, as long as they’re not trying to flaunt it in his face. It just takes Dean by surprise that Castiel, his boyfriend, is still an active churchgoer. What even religion is he? Protestant? Catholic? Buddhist? Why is this the first Dean is hearing about this?

                   Dean is pulled from his musing when Cas shoves his shoulder to the side, pushing him out of the way as he searches underneath the pillow cushions on the couch.

                   “So, you go every Sunday?”

                   “Uh-huh,” Cas answers offhandedly as he continues to dig.

                   “For how long?”

                   “All my life. Is this an interrogation or are you going to help me look?”

                   Dean presses his lips as he tries to think of a response. He doesn’t mean to upset Cas, he’s just curious is all. But he can understand the sense of urgency. Lifting his arm, he reaches behind his back to shove it between the cushion and the armrest, feeling blindly for anything silky and tie-like. He surprises himself when he pulls his hand back and the deep blue fabric trails behind in his palm.

                   “Oh, thank goodness!” Castiel takes the tie and throws it around his shoulder as he flips the collar of his dress shirt up. “We can talk more about it when I get back, Dean. But I really have to go now.” He adjusts the knot at his throat, leaving room as to not choke himself. He grimaces a little at the fine wrinkles on the fabric but smooths it out with a hand and rushes towards the door. But, as he places his hand on the knob, he stills in his hurry, turning around to look Dean in the eye, “Or. You could come with me, if you’d like. Get a see for yourself what it’s like at the church I attend.”

                   Dean considers the offer. The last time he’d been to church was for his parent’s funeral: that was definitely not a fond memory. But he recalls that his mother used to take him and Sam when they were really little – it was an occasional family outing they used to do, and even though Dean was too young to appreciate it, or to sit still, he kinda missed those trips, now that he thinks about it. Maybe he could give it another chance, especially if Cas is going to be there to show him around.

                   He stands from the couch, nodding his head as he steps forward, but then his bare feet hit the cold wooden floor and he remembers that he’s not exactly dressed for the occasion.

                   “Um. Do I have a few minutes to change?”

                   Castiel smiles vibrantly, his blue eyes lighting up when he hears of his boyfriend’s interest. “Of course. I’ll wait right here.”

                   Dean scurries off to the bedroom, rummaging through his closet as he tries to find something suitable for church, God help him.

~*~

                   The drive over to the church is short enough that the two men manage to make it in time to hear the bell tower chime to life, alerting all that the gathering is about to commence. Dean still couldn’t help but fidget with his black tie and run his hands nervously through his combed hair again.

                   “You look great. Now come on!” Cas drags him inside the small building. But it only looks small from the outside, Dean gapes as he looks at the intricate designs of blue and gold painted into the arched ceiling, a white marble wall lines the adjacent side of the building, marked with carved names of everyone that’s donated to the building’s construction, a blossoming patch of bouquets stand proudly in green and gold flower vases, releasing a lovely, welcoming scent as they enter – and that’s just the lobby!  Cas lessens his pace as they pass the threshold of the double doors leading to the area where rows upon rows of wooden pews are filled to capacity with finely dressed people of all ages. The high ceilings are also painted with fantastic designs depicting angels, humans, and doves. Along the walls, there are small statuettes depicting the story of Jesus in his last few days, Dean recognizes it vaguely and counts the figures as he recalls the age-old story; it begins with the arrest of Jesus by the orders of Cesar, followed by him being tried, beaten, and imprisoned until he is given a cross and forced to walk the mile to the hill, struggling under the weight of the cross as he falls three times, being nailed to the splintering wood and being hung out for all to see as the crowd mocks and sneers. The last few statuettes show Mary and his apostle, Peter, taking him down and wrapping his body for burial, placing him in an underground tomb with kindness and care before he miraculously rises on the third day. It’s a beautiful story, Dean admits, but he’s not entirely sure he believes it all, which is why he continues to fidget nervously, bouncing his leg as he sits in one of the far pews, feeling like some kind of intruder.

                   The gigantic mural of Jesus on the cross, with his mother Mary and his apostle Peter at his feet provides the magnificent background for the raised floor holding the white alter at it’s center.  A bell chimes and everyone rises, including Castiel, Dean notices and he rises to comply. As the procession of the priest and his alter servers makes its way down the long, carpeted aisle, the mass begins. Everyone is singing along with the church choir as they harmonize melodiously to the heavenly music.  Dean feels lost as he tries to match his lips to the tune that he doesn’t know, trying not to give himself away as some kind of sinner. Cas smiles when he sees this, he picks up a red book and a pamphlet from the pocket along the backside of the pew in front of them, and passes them to Dean, pointing to one of the cork boards along the walls holding the page number to the song being sung.  Dean graciously takes the book and flips through it quickly, finding the correct page in time to sing along with the final verse.

                  The melody dies down as the pianist steadies his fingers over the black and white keys, folding his hands in his lap as he turns towards the alter. The priest, dressed in green robes speaks a few lines with arms outstretched before he gives the signal for the assembly to be seated. Dean complies, slotting his back up against the hard wood of the pew and his leg still bouncing as he holds the book and pamphlet Cas gave him in his lap. Cas gives him a quick pat on the shoulder, giving his boyfriend a sincere smile for his cooperation before turning his attention back towards the front.

                 The rest of the mass goes by with relative ease; Dean tries to follow along with the dialogues written on the beige pamphlet, sings along with the choir as he flips through the red book, and rises and sits along with Cas’s cues. He listens as the deacon gives a speech about today’s mass – the significance of today in accordance with the stories read from the bible – and it’s relatively brief, but Dean still can’t help but feel like he’s going to fall asleep by the time the man bows towards the alter and walks back up the two-stepped stage. He’s shaken awake by the sound of wood squeaking as the herd of people shift from their seats to kneel down. Dean looks from left to right, trying to figure out where the padded beams that everyone suddenly has appeared from, but his question is shortly answered when Cas reaches down underneath the leading pew and unfolds the gray plank. Dean reaches to help, but he ends up knocking it out of Cas’s hand and it falls to the floor with a loud bang! Dean winces as a few heads turn, but not many people seem disturbed by the noise as they bow their heads in prayer. Cas smiles softly as he does the same. Dean kneels and clasps his clammy palms together, but he’s not sure if he should be praying. Is he allowed? Does he even know how? Is there a wrong way to do it? If there is, he feels like he’d be the one to find it, but he takes a breath and closes his eyes as he concentrates.

                 So….Hey, God. It’s me, Dean Winchester. Just uh…thought I’d send a line. Since I’m sitting in church and all. So….do you copy?

                  He peeks an eye open, looking for a sign or something, but he only sees the bowed heads of those around him, some moving their lips as they continue to pray. He lets out a frustrated sigh as he closes his eyes again.

                 That’s cool. You don’t talk. Which is good I guess, I’d probably be crazy if I actually heard you or something, right? But um…I’ll just do the talking then…

                 He takes a pause as he thinks to himself. What should he pray for? World peace? Nah, that sounds too cliché. Besides, the lady a few rows ahead of them, the one that’s been waving her arms and swaying enthusiastically to the music the entire time, most likely has that one covered. So, what else…?

                 He settles on praying for something nice for his brother Sammy – for both he and his girlfriend, Jess. God knows those two are gonna get married one of these days, so they could use some guidance on that, Dean supposes. That’s all he really gets to before everyone is standing again. Dean raises to his feet and ruffles his brow when Cas offers a hand to him. Looking around, everyone is holding hands as they speak the next prayer in one loud, booming voice. Understanding, Dean takes Cas’s hand and offers his other to the little old lady sitting to this left, reciprocating her smile when she wraps her long fingers round his. It’s a little weird and the prayer sounds somewhat cultish, but Dean allows himself to go with it. After they let go, the priest says another line, to which the assembly responds, and then everyone turns to one another, giving handshakes, big hugs, and kisses to their families and neighbors.  

                  Dean turns and offers a hand to Cas, supposing he wouldn’t want his to kiss him here, but he’s happily surprised when Cas takes his hand and pulls him in for a brief hug. Dean pats his back and smiles, feeling a little bit more into the peace-offering sentiment as he turns to the little old lady again and shakes her hand. He shakes the hands of a few more people, and even raises two fingers in a peace sign as he waves at a gurgling baby in the pew in front of him, her flower headband falling into her dark, almond-shaped eyes. Dean chuckles to himself as he kneels back down, taking care in not letting the plank slam into the floor this time.

                  Dean turns to watch a family of four as they walk up the center aisle, passing off glass containers and other trinkets to the priest at the end. The elderly priest hands off the gifts to the young alter servers to his left and right, bowing to the family as he sends them back to their seats. He arranges the offerings on the table, saying a few words about The Last Supper. A chiming of little bells reverberates throughout the expansive church as the priest first holds up the shiny bowl holding unleavened slices of bread – representing the body – setting it down gently before repeating the same process for the goblet of wine – representing the blood.

                  Dean watches with a bit of skepticism still in his mind, but he’s not gonna add any commentary, that would be inappropriate. He only feels a spike of worry strike in his gut when he sees the people from the first rows lining up to receive the eucharist, bowing and making the sign of the cross as they accept the gifts with reverence; he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do! Does he go up? He’s baptized – he’s pretty sure his mom got him baptized, he remembers attending Sam’s baptism – but does that count? Isn’t there another step or something? God, it’s been so long, he has no idea!

                  Castiel picks up on his apparent panic and leans over to whisper in his ear, “You can sit in the pew while I go up. It’s probably best since you haven’t gone through first holy communion and aren’t confirmed.”

                  Dean lets out a breath and nods. That makes it much easier. Now his brain can stop going over all the scenarios in which things could go horribly wrong if he had walked up and accidently tripped, sending everyone toppling over like a train of dominoes.  Actually, Dean laughs to himself, that would be kinda funny to see. He hides his grin in his hands as he leans further into the pew ahead of him, posing like he’s deep in prayer as he continues to think about how funny it’d be if someone chugged the entire cup of wine and staggered away after handing back the empty goblet.

                  Castiel nudges him to move off of the kneeling bar as he folds it back up and rises to his feet. Dean slides to the side, pulling his legs in as much as he can as Castiel and the following procession steps over him as they make their way to the center aisle. Dean’s eyes follow Cas as he strolls forward one step at a time, hands folded together and face solemn yet at ease. The small smile at the corners of Cas’s lips would be overlooked by anyone else, but not by Dean: he’s happy, Dean thinks to himself. Castiel is happy being surrounded by all these people, his extended brothers and sisters related by their common faith. There’s no judgement, nor any condescending snark putting others down, only courtesy and grace as each person steps up to the priest, professing their belief in the eucharist before shuffling along back to their pews, allowing for the order to continue.

                 It’s almost alarming how taken aback Dean is by the whole thing; he’d thought church was a big sham – a place for kids to cry and grown ups to yell, but sitting here now, witnessing all the kindness and warmth amidst the formalities, he can see that church is not about just going to a building every Sunday, it’s not even really a place on Earth, but a place in one’s heart.

                 Damn! He didn’t think his mind could get so sappily poetic, but today is just full of surprises. Oh well, he can pretend like he never thought that all he wants, God’s not gonna tell anyone.

                  He shifts back in his seat once more as the line of people slip back into his pew, settling back down to pray as the ushers at the back of the lines steadily reach the front.

                   The choir has since been singing a slow melody, glorifying the name of God as the assembly shuffles about, quietly returning to their seats. Once the song ends, the gifts have also been placed away and the crowd is allowed to raise from their knees and be seated. The silence pervades for a brief moment before the priest stands, causing everyone to follow. The man says a closing prayer with the audience and declares that the mass had ended, that they are dismissed to go forth in peace.  

                   “Thanks be to God, “the crowd speaks in unison.

                   Thank God, Dean sighs internally. He might have been wrong about many things today, but he was still right on the money about how long the mass was; he didn’t know how much longer he would have been able to take of the boring litany before he finally just decided to leave. After the priest and his entourage of alter servers made their exit, the rest of the crowd filed out of the large double doors, the music of the choir sending them off.

                   Castiel takes a few moments to shake hands with a few people that he recognizes standing out in the lobby, but his serene expression quickly shifts into a worried look as Cas takes Dean’s arm and pulls him out the door, “We’d better hurry before the parking lot becomes a nightmare.”

                   Dean laughs, thinking about how these pious people could possibly become so hostile the moment they stepped out of the building. But he was wrong. Or rather, he was right – the blaring of car horns screech cantankerously in the open air as Cas drags him hurriedly to the Impala. He clicks his tongue a few times at the ridiculous behavior of some of the drivers as they try to hurry their way out of the one and only exit leading to the main road, scooching their cars and cutting one another off as they weave their way around the sauntering families; but at the same time, it was kinda funny, in a hypocritical, ironic sense.  

                   “So, Dean,” Castiel begins as they sit patiently in the car, waiting for the line of cars to thin out a little as to not put Baby at any risk of injury, “What did you think?”

                   Dean thinks for a second, “It wasn’t bad. It was long, and kinda boring at times—”

                   “I saw you falling asleep during the sermon.”

                   “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. Couldn’t really help it. I can’t say I really believe in every word back there, but, overall: it was pretty okay” Castiel’s smile brightened. “But don’t get any ideas. I don’t think I’d be willing to go every Sunday.”

                   “Of course. You don’t have to. But I’m glad you gave it a chance and you seemed to not hate it, which is more than I expected.”

                   Dean feels like he should be offended by his boyfriend’s lack of faith in him, but what he said is fair – he really hadn’t expected to like it as much as he did either, which is saying something, even though Dean won’t really admit to it yet.

                   “If you’re at all interested, they have a band that plays with a guitar and electric drum set for Saturday masses. And also, they hand out free donuts and coffee every first Sunday of the month.”

                   Dean turns to look Cas square in the face. “Oh my God. That is so awesome! Why didn’t you say that before, Cas? Free food? And a kickass band! Your church rocks!”

                   Castiel laughs, shaking his head at Dean’s blasphemy when they’re still sitting in the church parking lot, no less. It’s gonna take a lot more than one hour to convert Dean from his bad habits, that’s for sure. But, Cas is glad that Dean is willing to immerse himself a bit more in the religious scene. He’s glad he can share this with his partner. And he’s glad that he can be himself, feeling safe in the comfort of the church whist sitting next to a man that means so much more to him than any disapproval from those who say they believe, but miss the point spectacularly. It’s not about scorn and abiding by rules, it’s about family and unity and guidance towards a grand and mysterious force that holds everything together. It’s about love. And for Dean to accompany him, even just for today, it’s more than Castiel could have ever prayed for.

[life-in-every-limb]

So here we are, about six weeks into this very strange time of Covid-19 quarantine, and I am a little embarrassed to admit how much I am enjoying myself, thanks primarily to faith, fitness, and food.

Alliteration is great for blog titles, but I didn’t have to work hard to come up with that one. It really describes my life for the past six weeks, and for this introvert, it’s all been good.

What I HAVEN’t found myself doing, surprisingly, is writing blog posts. And maybe that invites some contemplation on my part. But let me tell you what I have been doing instead to pass the time.

FAITH

We can’t go to Mass and that hurts.  I miss that more than anything.  But there are lots of other ways to practice our faith and I have doubled down on them all.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have a whole prayer room, which is a great blessing all the time and especially now.  So I start off every morning there, and I spend an hour there every evening.   On Sunday mornings, I watch my parish‘s live-streamed Mass.  The rest of the family gets their “church” in the afternoon.  We read the readings, and since our pastor generously provides us with a copy of his homily and the week’s Universal Prayer, we read those as well. We recite the creed, say the spiritual communion prayer, sing the Regina Caeli (because Easter) and finish up with the Prayer to Saint Michael.

I take advantage of a ton of resources to make this time meaningful for me, many of which I have written about here and here.  I use Hallow and Pray as You Go daily.  I enjoyed the Pray More Lenten Retreat and the Be Not Afraid conference, which is still online and available.  And I’ve signed up for several other free Catholic conferences.

FITNESS

I wasn’t kidding myself in the past when I said I didn’t have time for exercise.  But I have time now and I am using it.  I was already pursuing some fitness goals when this started, going to the gym three days a week and walking 45 minutes most days.  Now, with the gym closed, I am doing the Jane Fonda workout (yes, the one from 1982) on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings.  I borrowed some weights from my next door neighbor and I do a little with those and also do some squats and push ups (girl push ups, and not very well) on what would normally have been gym days.

But what I really love to do is walk, and there is a flat paved loop trail at the park a two-minute drive away (and before you ask, there is no safe way to walk there, which is stupid).  I walk for an hour every morning after breakfast if it does not rain. (When it rains, I suffer.) To pass the time while walking loops I listen to Hallow or Pray as You Go or a Catholic talk or podcast.  On Saturdays I switch it up by walking at the track on the All Saints Parish campus while saying the Rosary.  Every afternoon at five, my next door neighbor and I do loops around the bottom half of our street (socially distanced from one another and passers-by). All told, I am averaging over 11,000 steps and almost five miles each day.  Since 10,000 steps was the goal I had set for myself, I am pleased.

FOOD

It was Lent when all this began, as you will recall, and one of my Lenten disciplines was to do a modified Whole 30.  Thus I was unable to bake tasty treats (well I could have, but I didn’t want to bake things and not be able to eat them!) until after Easter. That was a huge blessing, because by then I had developed such healthy habits that I really didn’t feel like over-indulging on chocolate and such for more than a couple of days.  I KNOW I would have turned to food for comfort if I hadn’t been so limited in what I could eat.

But here’s the thing, limited or not, I (and my family) still had to eat.  And the fact is that I had gotten WAY out of the habit of preparing seven dinners a week (let alone all those lunches and breakfasts).  I mean, I don’t think I’ve done that since about 2009 and that is no exaggeration.  John and I go out Monday nights; Lorelei has youth group at our downtown parish on Wednesdays and so we all go our own ways for dinner; and I hang out at Panera Bread alone every Friday evening.  So that leaves four dinners a week for me to come up with, tops, and there are always other things going on that lead us to eat out, or grab fast food, or order in . . . I’m sure lots of you can relate.

But for the past six weeks we’ve eaten together, at the same time every night, primarily meals that I’ve cooked, sometimes with Lorelei and/or Emily’s assistance.  I start by doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, and I really take my time and enjoy the process.  We use Blue Apron and Hello Fresh so two nights a week the meals are planned for me, and that has been a huge blessing as far as not having to worry about having all the ingredients on hand as well.  I also schedule a regular shipment of produce from Misfits Market.  It has still been challenging to come up with a variety of meals that people will enjoy.  We have only had takeout a couple of times due to reduced income at the moment.  But despite the challenge and doing some complaining about it because it is yet another big responsibility that falls on mostly me, I am also enjoying it and don’t want to go back to how we did things before.

My faith, fitness, and food quarantine coping strategies have something in common and that is ROUTINE.  I have developed daily and weekly routines that I stick to that give a rhythm to the day. This is very satisfying and keeps me on track, not to mention sane.  I get up early every morning (although no longer before dark, which I have always hated).  I do the same things in the same order at more or less the same time every day, and because there are no longer outside commitments that schedule doesn’t get interrupted which is comforting.  I’ve created a nice balance of exercise and office work, personal pursuits and homemaking, relaxation and prayer.  This is something else that I hope I can hold onto.

As I planned this post I noticed the overlap among faith, fitness, and food.  What I am eating contributes to my fitness and my desire for fitness influences what I cook–and don’t cook–for my family.  An hour of my fitness time each day doubles as faith time.  And of course the time I spend specifically on faith in my prayer room grounds me and helps me to do all the rest of it.

I would love to hear how the rest of you are doing in quarantine.  Do you like it? Hate it? Both? Have you developed a routine or are you winging it? Is there anything you’e started to do that you want to continue when we get back to “normal”? Let me know in the comments.

The post Faith, Fitness, and Food: Three Quarantine Necessities appeared first on Life in Every Limb.

[zanyobservationcollectoruni-blog]

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