#but i also kinda had to unlearn it cuz i was getting into stuff where there were like nooo black ppl

[aria0fgold]

Okay like, I think it'd be too long to put in the tags of the last post so I'm making my own post but ngl that method helped me A LOT. It helped me unlearn So Much stuff by having that first thought, interrogating it, and replacing it. Cuz way back, the thing I'd do is have the first thought, hate myself for it, never try to have it again which isn't helpful At All. And then I reached a point in my life where it was like, have the first thought, avoid it, which is just as worse.

And then last year, when I realized A Lot of stuff bout me, I had to work on unlearning so much during then and like okay, this is like treading the territory of "you gotta be unwell a lil bit to heal" typa thing, like imagining your favourite characters Right There. But mine is like, a lil to the left. Cuz when I realized all the stuff I gotta unlearn, there wasn't any character from a media that can count for that just yet (I got hyperfixated on Cain months after the realization but if I've known him earlier he would've ngl took on the patron saint role in my life of unlearning unhealthy stuff)

So what I did was... used an OC. It wasn't Alec and Ray surprisingly enough cuz in my head they have their own lives and it was a lil harder for me to put them in that role. And it just so happens I have One OC that is specifically made with an awareness that makes it seem like he's a self-insert but not really. It's Alerik. The designated creator of the universe that is practically aware of the truth behind that universe and his own existence so it was easier to pull him. And it worked.

Cuz whenever I do the have first thought, interrogate it, replace it thing, I can't get it right in a way that when I think of interrogating Myself, my brain's immediate reaction is always "hatred" so then when I got Alerik to do the interrogation, my brain couldn't react immediately cuz it isn't just Me, there's Alerik now and he's both me and not at the same time, he's a piece of me. That I love. So my brain couldn't react with "hatred" towards a character I made with love, it worked. I could interrogate myself, figure out "why" I reacted the way I did, "why" I had that first thought, and what I could do moving forward without hating myself or avoiding anything. And I love it. Cuz after a year of just that, slow and steady, I managed to unlearn most of the bad habits and get rid of the self-hate. I love myself now! And the world! And everything just seems so much beautiful this way.

[himejoshiangels]

I think it's just frustrating, a lineup of characters and none of them ever look like me idk

[di--es---can-ic-ul-ar--es]

STEM/humanities discourse:

One problem is I think people are pretty hobbled in their ability to think through "in what direction do I want to steer the world and what skillsets are relevant to a plausible strategy (that I would also enjoy, not too illegal or more unpopular than my risk tolerance for that, etc)". Hobbled specifically by a kind of "all disciplines are valid" culture that comes from the way we think about "expertise" as a society.

One example I think is important is how DEI Studies coursework could screw over young people during low interest rates because they would be misled into thinking it's a viable career path to sit around scolding people for not agreeing with your takes, and leave them ill-prepared for those departments getting downsized if interest rates go up high enough. Like this problem only arises under certain regimes of "expertise" and how its constructed.

Technical subjects, where building stuff that works in physical reality is rewarded so you can end conversations that in humanities turn into status games or run forever, do in fact seem quite robustly better??? Just think of how many climate doomers arent working on some clean energy thing??!?!

But I think it goes back to "pick from the menu of careers" as an identity exercise that a lot of the wealthy half of americans had really beaten into them and many of the bright like first gen college kids. the main upstream problem. It created this kind of "some people's favorite color is red, for others its blue, they each contribute in their unique ways, so dont be rude or impose a hierarchy" starting point that is really poisonous and hard to unlearn. If someone let's you either wipe out Hegel or Maxwell from ever having existed, you not only pick Hegel, you aggressively deplatform anyone who so much as hesitates!! Even the reasoning that explicitly addresses this, that STEM are capitalist stooges, has this kinda baked in, cuz the left is a crab bucket that has fully divested itself from any actual project that would actually solve a problem so they overcorrect on "problem solving is for capitalists" and leave it there.

Critical support for comrade Kirch today, even tho I Do Not Condone his unwillingness to quietly block and move on with life.

[onereallygoodlambonastick]

how to be wary/alert without crossing over into fear? is the question

[waterberry-strawmelon]

Hi I’m back :)

[acidmatze]

Language is weird

When i grew up it was normal that your grandparents and sometimes also your parents speak low german. Not all the time but sometimes you would just fall back into it. And half of your vocabulary would be low german (there are still words i dont know in standard german)

And since my grandma almost always spoke low german and i spend a lot of time with her since my parents were always working i picked up her ways of speech. Which became a problem when i started school cuz suddenly i had to speak "properly"

"I know youre around your grandmother a lot but you need to speak normal."

I became so embarassed that i started to correct my grandmas speech and thought it was proper that way.

"Why do i have to teach the adults how to speak?" I thought

Then when i got older during the end of highschool the adults started panicking

"The kids dont know low german no more"

"We're loosing our language, our culture, our identity"

And suddenly it was okay to speak low german again. But by that time i had already unlearned most of it. We also learned north german poetry and stories and songs. But it was so ingrained in me that i have to speak "properly" aka Standard German that i actually felt embarrassed about learning it.

"When you speak like that you sound dumb and uncultured. Do you wanna sound like a fool?"

Adult me finally managed to get over all of that and over time i fell back into the speech i had as a kid. Didnt even know i had an accent until i moved further south for a while and people constantly asked me where i was from cuz i pronounced stuff different and used different words and grammar. And i thought they were the ones speaking weirdly lol

Only thing thats constant all over time are my difficulties reading german out loud. Cuz.. you know... "speak normal" and almost all books are printed in standard german and tbh thats kinda hard to pronounce so i stumble and stutter more than i read

Language is weird

And if you speak a dialect then keep it cuz they are cool as shit

[b0ne-marrow]

Valorverse - Buck Wild

Buck Wild, the possibly actually psychotic son of Big Mac and Discord I keep making brown coated Apple nextgens WTF (wanna preface this with some apple family drama and the fact that things ran like they did in the show. Big Mac, Discord, and Spike all gang up to play OnO (Ogres and Oubliettes) The 3 decided to still meet up after the war started, not letting that get in the way of their friendship.)  The Apple family is a notoriously homophobic and biggoted one in this AU, and like his brethren, Big Mac also grew up that way.  While he loved his sister Applejack dearly, he always had problems with her hooking up with Coloratura. It bothered him to no end, and one day they had a HUGE argument about it, where everything went loose.  She told him about how she felt he really didn't love her if he couldn't get past this one simple thing, and that if he wanted continue to bring his biggotry in her home than he just shouldn't come at all. (Things were extra heated because she had the sneaking suspicion that Pippin was also gay but kinda being hurt by the stuff Big Mac would say/do, albeit unintentionally.)  This, as well as a plethora of other insults and feelings Applejack hurled towards him really hurt him and he left, sitting out in the farm to reflect on himself and his beliefs. They didn't talk for a long time. in between that time Applebloom also got into, you guessed it, a lesbian relationship herself with one of her old classmates, Lily Longsocks. It took time, but he really worked at unlearning all the homophobic shit their family had taught him, and his relationship with his sister slowly healed.  Things were going well between them and he was happier for it. He felt like a better person for unlearning all the old shit he used to say and agree with. He''d excitedly go play OnO with his friends, spending more and more time with them. And after more time, started to wonder if he wasn't gay himself eith- Oops he accidentally knocked up Discord OOF 9 months later, Discord gave birth to a lovely, healthy baby "Boy."  Though both Discord and Big Mac raised him together, they never got into a relationship themselves and kinda just stayed in this "more than friends" grey area relationship wise. They shared custody of him on a weekly basis. Buck wild was an adorable little foal that had immense magical power stored within him. Turns out Earth Pony Magic and Diety of Chaos Magic makes some potent shit, lol. He also was prone to fits of aggression and was suspected to be Psychotic. He often responded to situations inappropriately and didn't seem to feel empathy or mostly any expected emotion. He also doesn't feel actually close to any of his family, though he wouldn't hurt them or anything either. He goes through the motions of love and feeling close with them but doesn't feel it. He was always known as the weird one, and was nice most of the time and wouldn't bother anyone. Just had weird "Quirks" (for the lack of a better word)  He tries his best to fit in and be nice, even having a pony form he struts around in so no one is scared of him (or suspects he's a hybrid) but things just don't always work out. It doesn't seem to bother him too much though, at least.  (You can see one failed attempt at trying to connect with pippin above lol)  He's laughed at funerals or other ponies pain, watched ponies/creatures die and done nothing about it, curious to see what would happen if he just left them there, and other stuff like that. Nothing outwardly malicious like being a murderer, but not like the average creature either. He kinda weirds everyone around him out but they do their best not to let him know/see that.  This design really surprised me because at first I was going for an adopted baby for Pistachio and Star Tracker with the doodle in the top middle, but things took off from there lol. I just wanted to show off his teeth iin the top left (also discord colored eyes cuz why not). Top middle is his pony form, The top right says "Do you wanna see a dead body, cousin?" as death is something that facinates him. Bottom left is his normal form, and the bottom right is just that without his hair for antler reference.  I won't lie, I kinda find him too cute to actually go through with the psychosis story lol, at least 100 percent of the time. He might just go into Psychotic episodes rather than just be like that all the time, plus I'm just trying to add things in that I normally wouldn't write about. I almost went with a Ralsei-esque personality for him beforehand lol. Enjoy!  A special thanks and shout out to these lovely people for supporting me on Patreon: -TBA If you like what I do on here, please consider supporting me on Patreon as well as the other websites I'm on, as well as commissioning me or donating! Every little bit you can do to help directly supports me. Patreon Perks include: - Early Access to all my works. - Access to WIPS and a special shout out on every post I make. - Drawings of your choice linked to how much you contribute! - Getting up to a 70 percent discount on your next commission from me! - Early notifications to when my commissions are opening and the ability to reserve a slot! Commission Information: https://www.deviantart.com/musical-medic/art/Commission-Information-OPEN-797509905 Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/Musicalmedic DeviantArt: https://www.deviantart.com/musical-medic Furaffinity: https://furaffinity.net/user/musicalmedic/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/Musical_mediic Tumblr: https://Musical-mediic.tumblr.com Posted using PostyBirb

[puthyjuth]

i've been having real bad sleep I need to start journaling again cuz I have a lotta thots and I just feel bad cuz i can tell some of it is just projecting but there's no where to dump , i guess tumblr but idk i don't wanna dump that much on here

anyway yesterday i kept having this recurring thought "if you just let go of cringe/corniness you can actually be happy"

i made this spiritual joke to my anti spiritual (she kinda makes fun of ppl into astrology and honestly most ppl) "super logical" stem housemate (who was once one of my closest friends) the day before like "yknow i heard that mirrors are portals and mirrors that face each other are basically super portals sooo maybe that explains all the drama that happens in our neighborhood with the screaming lol" and she changed the convo kind of in a way that's like i don't believe in that stuff

now i know ppl are allowed to not be spiritual but also she believes in ghosts and a little bit of the 4th dimension so it would've been kinda funny to at least play with the idea cuz she IS a really good conversationalist. like idk even tho i half believe it i also don't take myself too seriously ? i'm thinking it's just my projection onto her cuz i don't want to sound/be stupid by being spiritual esp around her cuz ik she has strong opinions and she's always making fun of ppl for just being "cringe" and i believe if ppl just stopped judging others aka herself from enjoying cringe things maybe she would be a lot less h*teful of a person

idk i honestly took a long break from talking to her bc yea we just outgrew each other and i ended up talking to her halfway thru the lease because she had a LOT of huge bpd-like depressive/manic episodes with huge outbursts like screaming and crying often and was mean to her cat. And she affected everyone in the house myself included and basically i told her "i'm not asking you to heal and I don't think your trauma or trauma responses is your fault AND it's not ok to project it onto others and take it out on us because we're all being hurt in this house by you, the cats included." you don't have to control your emotions but the way she constantly externalized her stress onto us was really unhealthy for all of us. Like i literally STILL get stiff with anxiety and can't sleep even now when she starts yelling at night in her room even if it's just at a video game or smth.

However now we're all on talking terms, i guess, and idk i just don't have anything to talk to her about these days cuz all we did before was project onto other ppl and talk shit lol. yea i cant deny i Love talking shit and it's still funny to do/hear cuz Um i can't just get rid of my instinctual chisme but i can also recognize i'm basically just talking about all the things i hate in myself that i see in others. funny how the most outspoken about hating white ppl and hating men but also hating like every person, every trend, every hobby, every THING, could also be rampant misogynists because, shocker, talking shit about other women constantly can be a form of projecting & self hate

Like dam i'm really at that point again like at the end of hs where i felt i'd never find friends similar to me and now it's finding (queer) ppl who seek healing and actively try to unlearn and communicate their boundaries and don't take themselves too seriously but obviously they're out there and I'm excited to move out and meet new ppl who i don't have to step on eggshells around or feel like i have to be careful about everything i say not to be "cringe" just so they'll like me. i really do want her to be happy and to heal but some ppl are not ready to heal and also i'm not obligated to walk her thru every little step and be an emotional sponge and potentially traumatize myself in the process