#but i also hate him and im glad he dies and burns in hell in the game

[thepartysdone]

i love you tasokare hotel but i cannot. believe it's getting an anime. like wait no back off this is MY niche visual novel game GO AWAY

[go-river-flows]

Sweet Visions of a flower

Summary: Syulang (OC) is an orphaned girl after the destruction of Hometree. She is constantly reminded of this by her amputated left leg though she no longer dreams of her deep trauma. She is betrayed by the very people she trusted, leaving her with nothing once again.

A/N: Im back from my break, and after deliberating for a while, I have finally finished Sweet Visions of a Flower. This has been a story I’ve struggled to write because there was so much to unpack. And initially, I wanted to write a sad ending but ended up writing a somewhat wholesome ending. I hated writing it, but I’m just glad this series has ended!

FINAL PART

Letting Quaritch take the lead, Ja explained how they waltzed back into Bridgehead and despite Adrmore’s harassment Quaritch just explained that they integrated with the Na’vi and were stripped of their gear so they couldn't communicate to her in Bridgehead. Ardmore was skeptical but let Quaritch continue. Whilst Adrmore dismissed all the recoms to have a private chat with Quaritch, they went ahead and started planting small bombs and their weaponry around Bridgehead, just in case they needed them.

Almost getting caught a few times but playing it cool, whenever someone stopped to question them. After completing their tasks, they finally gathered at the entrance, ready to blow the Bridgehead sky high. But what they forgot to account for was Fike and Brown’s intense loyalty to Quaritch when Ardmore finally caught onto what was happening. Aiming her gun towards their Colonel, Fike dove in front taking a bullet for his superior officer. Brown died trying to save Fike, as the Colonel was being dragged away by Zhang just as Bridgehead was exploding, taking a shard of metal through his chest whilst protecting Quaritch. Warren noticed Lyle wasn’t with the group when Bridgehead exploded, who ran through the maze of flames to find him, only to come across Quaritch managing to lead him out, but ran back into the burning mass to find Lyle, and that was the last they saw of him as the metal construction frames began falling. It was chaos. When he didn't come back out, they all knew he had perished. Hell, they though Lyle died in the fire too, that was until Prager decided to walk the perimeter yelling out his name, stumbling across me with Lyle. 

Which leads us up to now. Ja just held me as we sat in silence. The recoms mourning their friends, comrades and brother in arms. I could tell Quaritch was taking it the hardest, he let his friends die. Lyle was still unconscious with a terrible injury, Prager trying his best to deal with it.

“We should go back to High Camp. Get Lyle the help he needs,” Quaritch finally said, standing up and calling for his ikran, Cupcake. The others sighed heavily doing the same. I did the same, calling for Azui. I contemplated telling Quaritch about Jake. About what he said, but I feared that he would react horribly. Best not add fuel to the fire. Turning to my palulukan, I just told her to follow after mounting my ikran, and we flew back to High Camp. I kept my eye on Quaritch, knowing that same grief and pain of losing people who you care about. 

Entering the vertical entrance of High Camp, we were greeted by our clanspeople. Jake, Neytiri and the kids are nowhere in sight. Ja and I rushed to Prager’s side, helping to grab Lyle from upon his ikran. The two of us rushed toward the healing tent. Throwing the flap open, Ninat was there with Mo’at. Ja gently lay Lyle on a cot before Mo’at checked his gaping wound. 

“This injury is too great. He has broken bones and requires surgery,” the tent flap was thrown open as Quaritch entered in a frenzy. It was hard to watch his face contort into stricken sorrow. I couldn't help but feel anguish for Quaritch. Ja must have noticed my shoulders fall, leading me out the tent and brushing tears from my cheek. Being back in High Camp reminded me of Jake and Neytiri. I felt angry, but also guilty for the way I spoke to them, seeing Lyle in his unconscious and vulnerable state in comparison to his stoic, yet somewhat endearing goofy side reminded me of Jake. I should apologise to them. 

Hugging Ja in a bone-crushing embrace, I pulled away before going to search for the Olo’eyktan and Tsakarem. Heading toward the Sully tent, I pushed the flap open and peeked in. It was empty…I didn't know what to say. Speeding toward the second location, the science lab. I pulled open the door finding Norm and Max chatting to one another, having not seen me yet.

“Hi Norm. Where is Jake?” his expression morphed into shock.

“Syulang?! You're still here? I thought you went with Jake,” he said. 

“Went with Jake where?” my brows furrowed in mass confusion.

“T–They left…They’re gone Syulang,” my jaw dropped. They did it after all. They've abandoned me. 

“Oh…Thanks Norm,” I turned not saying anything else, leaving the lab. I felt cold. My nerves completely numb as my head went blank. I was right after all. I cried…no. Wept. Through tears, I stumbled back to the empty Sully kelku. The only things there were my belongings that had been untouched since the early morning. 

I cried into my hands, curling my body into the woven floor. I didn't hear anyone enter, but I felt their warm hand on my back.

“W-What’s going on?” Quaritch’s deep voice stuttered, trying to piece together why the tent was empty besides a small pile of my things. I looked up at his searching face. “Where’s Sully?” 

I sniffled, “They’re gone. They’ve left,” I wiped my eyes, “They've left me,” I choked between sobs. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” he cooed, taking me into his arms, swaying me like a fussing child.

“That's not all…” I didn't want to hesitate any more, “...He wanted to kill you. He wanted to kill your warriors. He told me…he told me that the only thing stopping him was me. So he brought you into High Camp to keep an eye on you…He didn't trust you…He never trusted you…But I though he did. Then he said that he was going to leave the clan,” I confessed, “I confronted him and I asked…I asked him if I was the same…he didn't say ‘no’ and he didn't say ‘yes’ either. I wanted to tell you earlier, but…” Quaritch hushed me as I began to break down again. “I vouched for you. I was the only one who stood up for you…for the others.”

I looked at the na’vi next to me, his expression was hardened. Furious. His eyes met mine.

“Listen to me, that man is nothing but a liar. He’s betrayed me once before and it cost me my life. But hell would I let it happen to you. His daughter,” I have never heard Quaritch speak like that before, it was almost…soft. 

“I'm not his daughter – I never have been. Just someone he had to keep an eye on,” I rectified, as if I had a moment of clarity as old memories surfaced, “I was only there to watch his children, to be their protector, babysitter, a provider, a warrior – all those things. But not his daughter,” remembering the little times he’d call me by that word, but never in front of others. Did he really mean it, or was it just pretend? I could feel his eyes on the profile of my face, observing my profile.

“If you were my daughter, I would be the proudest father on Pandora,” Quaritch clicked his tongue, “Okay. Guys, I know you’re listening.”  There was a shuffling outside the tent, Ja, Mansk, Z-Dog, Lopez, Walker and Prager poked their heads into view. All with a look of disappointment. The lot of them filed into the tent one after another, no longer wearing their human clothes. Ja came to sit by my side, shooting Quaritch a look.

“With all due respect Colonel, please get your hand off my girl.” Quaritch retracted his hands, raising them in surrender, Ja pulled me into his lap wrapping his arms around my torso.

“What do I do now?” I just ask into the air. No one answers but looks at me, “what do we do now?” I ask looking at the other recoms. “There’s no more humans. You can do what you want now, you’re free.” Their ears perk up and their tails wag a little.

“Oh! I would love to explore more of Pandora!” Z-Dog exclaimed.

“I want to travel too!” Lopez piped up.

“I would like to settle down,” Mansk spoke up.

“Honestly, settling down sounds good,” Walker added.

“I want to learn more about healing!” Prager exclaimed. We all turned to look at Quaritch, whose ears perked a little.

“Uhh, I could train the warriors. But I wouldn’t mind travelling a bit, then maybe settle down somewhere,” Quaritch said. His answer was a bit unexpected, the other recoms looked a little surprised. 

“What about you Ja? Syulang?” I looked at Ja for a moment before speaking, “I want to stay, someone has to lead the clan and protect it.”

“Then I’ll stay too. I want to be by your side,” Ja said. I couldn’t help but smile at his small acknowledgement.

What I didn’t know was that the role of Olo’eyktan was passed onto Tarsem, a young warrior who was born to lead. He was horrified to find that I was left behind by his former leader. Though he was happy to pass the role onto his former Olo’eyktan’s oldest adopted daughter. And so I became the first female leader of the clan and was officially courted by Ja. And much to Quaritch’s surprise I made him the teacher and leader of the warriors and those to come. In the end, I found a new family in the group of Recoms, former outcasts of the humans. Lyle, unfortunately had to have his leg amputated, but was fitted with a metal prosthetic leg much like mine and spent most of his time recovering.

You can say that the story ends happily, well almost…

Five years later…

I climbed onto my ikran, my little girl strapped to my front as Ja helped me on. Lyle did the same, checking his pack of belongings with some scientific equipment. Max finally showed up yawning at the early departure. Lyle reached down to grab him, Max sitting on the front of him.

“How long will it take to get there again?” Lyle asked once again.

“it’s the same answer Lyle, nine hours. Thirteen including breaks.

“Are you sure we should be flying for thirteen hours? You look like you're gonna pop before we get there,” referencing my pregnant belly.

“Oh you're soooo funny, Lyle,” Ja said sarcastically, climbing onto his own ikran, “That’s my wife you're talking to, and your Goddaughter or Godson in her belly.” 

“Damn right! And I can’t wait to meet them by the way…” Lyle exclaimed excitedly. 

“Let’s go! We have a long ride ahead!” I got tired of their bickering, making sure my daughter, just barely four years old, was comfortable, “Are you comfortable Lili?” She nodded whilst yawning. The sun had yet to rise as we left our Hometree. A while ago, whilst searching for a habitable giant tree for my clan to make into their home, Ja and I had to land due to a storm, finding the most perfect giant tree that was uninhabited. We spent the night there and let’s just say that was how our first child was conceived. 

“Tell me again the reason why we have to fly nine…no thirteen hours to visit Awa’atlu again?” Lyle huffed. 

“There was a message sent around Pandora to all human ally settlements. Ours just happen to be one. Max was the one to receive the message and as Olo’eyktan, I couldn’t just let him go to it alone.”

“That makes sense, but why is Lili coming? Surely she should stay home with her Aunty Walker.”

“She should see the other places on Pandora as well. Ya know? Might as well since she keeps hearing stories from Aunt Z and Uncle Lopez.”

“Ah, that's why she wanted to go. Plus! It’s my first time travelling to a sea clan. I heard from Z-Dog and Lopez that it’s a literal paradise!” I could hear Lyle’s grin.

We took off out of the jungle, heading toward the sea clans. Taking breaks every three to four hours to let out ikran rest. Arriving the the azure waters the very next day in the early afternoon. On our break just before arriving, Ja helped me dress in my Olo’eyktan cloak, a blue painted cape with yellow, green and red feathers. Taking our little girl to sit with him on the last leg of the ride as Max sat with me. 

Flying toward the village, I flew around looking for a place to land our ikrans. Opting to land on a sand bank. I disconnected tsaheylu gliding down my ikrans wing, Max sliding down onto the white warm sand. A group of teal coloured Na’vi gathered as the clan’s leader approached, wearing a similar looking cape.

“Olo’eyktan Tonorwari, I see you,” I greeted him formally, plucking my fingers from my head as Max did the same. Ja and Lyle did the same out of respect, my little daughter copying her father as she was being carried in his arms. 

“Olo’eyktan Syulang (daughter of mother and father (not Jake and Neytiri’s names)). It is a pleasure to finally meet you, I have heard the many stories of the legendary leader,” my ears perked up quizzically.

“Oh no, I am not legendary. I am merely a leader who takes care of her people,” I bow to him.

“And just as humble as they say,” he chuckled.

“They?” 

“Why travellers of course, two jungle dwellers just as yourself,” Ugh, Z-Dog and Lopez, what did you tell them? Lyle and Ja’s ears perked, instantly knowing who it was. I just bow my head hiding a smile. Returning to face Tonowari, his mate Ronal appeared not too far, a darker blue figure approached with her. I squinted my eyes trying to put a finger on the familiarity. Neytiri. Her expression morphed into a shock as she walked closer with Ronal. Tonowari, noticing my gaze turned to see his wife, gesturing to introduce her. I greeted her much like I greeted Tonowari.

“Ronal. Tsahik of the Metkayina, I see you,” bowing as I pluck my fingers from my palm, Lyle and Ja did the same formally greeting her, Lili mirroring her father’s actions. Acknowledging the Tsahik, though I did not greet my former mother figure. The Tsahik greeted me back, before looking to my companions, her daze followed Lyle as her eyes fell to his false leg, then mine. 

“So this is the infamous leader of the Omatikaya clan. I have heard stories about you. The first woman clan leader of the Omatikaya clan,” she stated, “Syulang, I see you.” 

The darker blue woman stared wide-eyed. Three familiar faces popped up not too far away, their expressions were the same. All jaw slacked and wide-eyed. 

“So, why is it that humans were called here?” I addressed Tonowari.

“Ah, straight to the point, I see,” Tonowari gestured for me to follow, I turned to face Max for him to follow along too. 

“Lyle, the equipment?” Max called for him, as Lyle started to untie the ropes holding the equipment together. Ja let our daughter down from his arms and my little girl ran to my leg, holding my blue limb.

“Come my dear,” I picked her up into my arms as Max followed the tall teal blue Na’vi, passing by Neytiri without batting an eye. Ja helped Lyle with the equipment as I followed the leader and max to a large woven hut. There inside was already a group of humans that I’ve never seen before with leaders of other clans from other parts of Pandora. We greeted each other and Max introduced himself to the group of scientists and soldiers who turned their backs on the RDA. One was a former Colonel, who was located in the wetlands, another was a scientist from the cold ice plains. The others were notable members of scientists in different regions of water and desert plains.  And there in the far corner, was the former leader of the Omatikaya clan. His head whipped up so quickly as an expression of recognition morphed into  horror, recognising the human and Na’vi in front of him. My eyes turned cold when I saw him. Jake Sully. My pupils dilated into slits. My daughter noticed my cold expression and clung to my shoulders even more. 

“Sa’nu,” she quietly said. I held my daughter closer to my body. Jake’s expression didn’t change as I sat down next to another leader. Soon Lyle and Ja entered the woven hut with the science equipment, setting it down on the side. When they looked up to see the other humans and clan leaders, they noticed Jake in the corner and old feelings returned. Their distaste for him returned as the memory of me telling them that they left the Omatikaya clan was burned into their memories. Lyle and Ja were by my side in an instant sitting next to me, their overprotective nature appeared as Lyle reached to take his goddaughter from my arms, as she snuggled into his arms. Tonowari watched in both curiosity and unknowing, unsure about the situation and the reactions of the two dark blue Na’vi staring daggers at the former Olo’eyktan. 

“So why has this meeting been called?” One of the other leaders questioned. Tonowari cleared his throat before a human stood up.

“Hi, I’m Selsi Ku. I grew up here in Awa’atlu along with my older sister, about five years ago before the RDA finally left Pandora — after a major incident at one of the facilities. I was able to breach the firewall of the facility and hack into the database to get information. I found something….which needed confirmation from individuals such as yourselves….humans,” the woman explained, “unfortunately I needed access from someone much higher up in rank but was unsure about who currently resides Pandora with such rank, therefore, a signal was sent out to human outposts around Pandora. And why I needed medical equipment,” she gestured to the equipment we brought with us. “The Omatikaya clan was the closest with the most advanced medical equipment as well as expertise,” she gave a nod to Max.

“What is this regarding, exactly?” One of the scientists from the Ice plains asked.

“About humans being able to breathe Pandora air…. Without a mask,” there was a collective gasp.

“What? No, that’s impossible! Pandoran air is completely toxic to us humans…Is that even possible?”

“I believe so….But before I could find more information, I lost signal and connection. I went out to investigate the facility and found it completely destroyed, like a massive explosion destroyed it,” when Selsi said this, I whipped my head to look at Lyle and Ja who gave a sheepish look. 

“That may have been us…” Lyle popped up.

“Was it on a coast, partially in a forest and partially on water….?” Ja asked. Selsi nodded with a confused look.

“Sorry about that…we didn’t know someone was hacking Bridgehead. We kind of…staged a coup,” Lyle chuckled nervously. Selsi’s expression changed to a new expression.

“Are you two avatars?” She questioned. Lyle and Ja looked at each other before raising their hands, showing their five fingers. My daughter looked at her father and godfather, mimicking their actions, raising her five finger hand. 

“But…now we’re full Na’vis. Did our iknimaya and everything. We’re recognised as Na’vi now,” Ja confessed. I wasn’t looking at Jake until that moment, but I turned to face him and his expression was different, sad almost, disappointed. Tonowari nodded, like he was proudly approving. And with that Jake stood and left rather quickly. Lyle’s eyes followed the former Olo’eyktan, slightly peeved at Jake’s behaviour. I gently rested my hand on Lyle’s knee shooting a slight sympathetic look. 

“Thankfully I was able to save most of the data on an external data port, most if not all the information was saved,” Doctor Ku held up her tablet screen showing the info and the scientists gathered. The clan leaders left the communal kelku as the scientists got straight to work.

Tonowari, guided the clan leaders to their temporary homes on a quiet part of the island. I walked with Ja as Lyle played with his goddaughter on the beach. Building what he called a “sand castle”, whatever that was. As my husband and I spent a few quiet moments together before four faces slid into view in the corner of my eye, I turned with a questioning look with an eyebrow raised. It was Neteyam, Lo’ak, Kiri and little Tuktirey, who was not so little any more. They didn't say anything as the four of them charged me tackling me to the sand clutching on as tightly as they could.

“Tsumuke! Sister!” they all yelled. They all looked at me with tears in their eyes, the emotional rollercoaster they must have felt for over five years must have broken them. I returned the hug, feeling nothing but a wave of suppressed emotions bubble to the surface. I let my tears out, happy to see them. 

“Oh… My brothers. My sisters. I missed you so much….I'm so sorry….I'm so sorry….” I clutched onto them for dear life. Though my large belly was in the way. It must have been hard for them, being away for too long. “Oh, my little Tuk…all grown up…” I rubbed my thumb over her cheeks, before moving onto Kiri, Neteyam and Lo’ak. 

“Mama…” My little daughter called out to me. The four kids turned to look at the little girl, their eyes wide in shock. 

“That's my daughter, Lili,” I told the four of them. 

“Daughter? I'm an Aunt?” Kiri asked, to which I smiled.

“I'm about to have another…” I rubbed my belly.

“But…Tsumuke, what are you doing here? And what's with the getup?” Neteyam questioned.

“Oh. I'm the Olo’eyktan of our clan…”

Their faces morphed into shock again before they bombarded me with questions, occasionally asking about the belly and my daughter. I chuckled at their antics.

“Mawey. Mawey….I’ll answer all your questions. Yes, she’s my daughter. Yes, I'm about to have another. No, Lyle is not the father, it’s Ja’s. Both of them are. Yes, I became Olo’eyktan. No, Ja is not the Tsahik…No, I didn't forget about any of you…and Quaritch is now teaching and general of the clan’s warriors…Is that all?”

“Can you forgive your old man?” Jake’s familiar figure walked onto the beach, he knelt down with his head down in shame. I looked up at Jake, his sudden appearance though not startling was a bit of a damper on the happy reunion. Ja who was next to me, put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, reminding me that he was there. I shuffled closer to Jake, kneeling in front of him.

“Yes,” Jake looked up at me with a sad expression, “You broke me, but yes. I forgive you. For what it's worth…I forgiven you a while ago…I came to terms with it when I became Olo’eyktan. I understand why you left, but it was stupid…Selfish even. The way we ended things wasn't what I hoped for…But you do have someone to apologise to.” 

“Yes…anything to say sorry,” Jake said. I breathed out his name.

“Qu– Miles…Apologise to Miles…” 

Jake was stunned, he knew that this would happen eventually but he was still shocked by the bluntness.

“Yes. I have to, don't I?”

I simply nodded my head.

“He followed through with his mission. He destroyed the RDA for the sake of the Na’vi…He betrayed his own people for the sake of our planet…Like you did all those years ago.”

“I understand.”

“But…For now,” I looked over to my daughter, gesturing for her to come over, “Meet your granddaughter,” Jake’s eyes flicked over to the approaching little girl, “This is Lili.”

END

<–Previous Chapter |

Taglist:

@sleepilysworld @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @wolfmoon8269 @howlerwolfmax @lovekeeho @ducks118 @dyingofcookies @secretflowerobservation @thehoneymushroomhealer

[sleepy-vix]

just finished the burning god ^^👍 what the fuck

spoilers below

fuck i was a fool to pray that kitay would live

also i had a feelign tjat rin woulg kill her self in the end and im SO INFINITELY GLAD that nezha didnt die in that cave water thing following that monster/dragon, but FUCK I DIDNT WANT THIS ENDING

WHAT THE FUCK RF KUANG

HOW DID U EVEN DREAM UP THIS MONSTROSITY

im so glad that nezha at least lives but actually is that any better than death???? poor boy never wanted to be a ruler. UGHHH I JUST REALISED KUANG ADDED THAT CHAPTER WHERE VAISRA ASKS NEZHA IF HE WANTED TO BE A RULER TO HURT US EVEN MORE

fuck you kuang

you twisted genius

nezha never wanted to be a ruler. his father never cared about him, he was tortured by the stupid dragon god thing, thrust into a position in charge of a whole fucking country- and not a good one at that, forced to hunt down the girl he loved because of duty, and then forced to WATCH HER KILL HERSELF AND HIS CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND and he had to keep going bc he has a whole fucking country to rebuild and hesperians to outplay

fuck all of the characters in these books are so haunted i love it and i hate it and i wish i'd never ever met them

and kitay...

i wanted so so so badly for him to live. i hate that he was so clearly helpless in the end. i knew that he loved rin and it was so glorious that he loved her but FUCK i didnt want him to end like this?!?,!;&:!:&:$. like... she was trynna kill him at the end. i thought hed die by jumping in front of an arrow for her or smtg 😭😭 we didnt even get to see much moments of them simply being best friends

"i cant help but love you" WHAT THE FUCK.

this is so unfair i feel so sick in the stomach i could vomit actually

the only person's death who i'm remotely at peace with is Rin's bc i anticipated it from the start and it was so cleary necessary, even though it was tragic. the whole thing with her spiralling at the end made me so sick in my stomach because i hated her briefly, but really i couldnt actually HATE her because shes rin and shes only twenty one (i just realised shes only SIX. SIX years older than i am) and shes been through so much fuck fuck fuck this stupid ass story i wish i never even had the ability to read. i want to hug rin and just stop time forever

a big part of me wishes that rin never tried to kill nezha at all, that she was completely sane (tho tbf, her going insane was totally warranted considering everything shes been through) and she had made some clever deal with the hesperians where she never used her powers ever again but not have to die and she could BE ALIVE with kitay and nezha but.... it makes sense that she dies (even though i hate that). it goes against her nature to live and bend to the hesperians, and her death would give nezha more credibility, and she probably wouldve gone even more batshit crazy having to act civilised and not wage another war... so

UGHAVSAJSBAK

i dont even know what to say anymore it all happened so fast and i still cant accept it

the weirdest thing is that the people i feel most sorry for are the ones who are alive (which is not many, but still...): Nezha, first and foremost. 21 years old and he has to singlehandedly play politics in order to save a fractured country. agshjss i wish kitay could have lived to help him through it omfg

also chaghan. him and his people are going to be the only ones left who have access to the pantheon, but they'll probably have to go to war or submit to the hesperians aghhh and chaghan has to lead all that with HALF OF HIS SOUL FUCKING DEAD (rf kuang... i curse you)

also what the hell happened to Lianhua? :( poor girl is gonna get tracked by the hesperians aswell

ushshajshsjss i cant think anymore. im so fucking miserable ^^,

atleast i can look at fanart now :(

[inkiest-silly]

I’m feeling silly and ima just- time to post about MY VER of “if Vincent survived the fire” or shortened to STF

STF vince has cut down on his smoking, he isn't addicted anymore due to having hospitalized for a while and unable to do any packs! He also wears layers over his body and hands so it's less uncomfortable Being his hands are burned - his hard to do things without it feeling weird He is working to upgrade his bistro, and im planning on like Adding a few other characters be he's gonna have a bigger waiting staff - bring its gonna be a bigger establishment His chefs still work for him

His chefs still work for him - cherrie is loyal as hell so definitely not leaving He never got over his love for rody,he feels resentment for what rody did to him- but he just couldn't let go of the man He hasn't seen him in ages- but he sometimes wonders what in the world he's doing now Thoughts lke "Is he happy with what he did to me? Does he think im dead and is happy with it?"

He wears his glasses all the time now- he is half blind so he just, does now. He can't afford to not see well,so he keeps them on They aren't used to Vince with glasses or-even the scars In the back, he wears long sleeved shirts instead and thick gloves-Vince stutters on his words and his voice is a little fucked up and raspy due to rody cutting his throat with a bottle

Talking for a long time hurts his throat, he is still trying to fix some things about himself He isn't as harsh on his employees Other than remmie. Remmie is remmie. He learned his lesson about keeping his house with his establishment He lives only a few minutes away from the new place He walks home Why?

Bc he thinks it's good for strengthening his mussles again And it is So he keeps doing it In the rain? Umbrella. But whenever he is out in the rain- he's reminded of the moment when he had to dry rody off and give him an umbrella-He enjoys the rain on his skin, it's cooling and nice He's taking care of himself only to try and get back to proper health to do more So he isn't as scrawny (He still hates eating but he forced himself to)

Vince involuntarily twitches out of random, his nerves are a little messed up and it's most likely the thing to happen 1 Like to believe rodys tie slipped off his neck during the struggle and Vince still had it even fit is a little burnt Complete opposites in healing omfg

Every Valentine's Day vince will mutter under his breath or think "happy birthday rody" and continue on with his day be he's a sad sorry ass He just wanted love man Hm.. How does rody feel that he killed a man over so hard that he needed to get hospitalized and almost died Bookie if anyone foudn that it was you you'd be put behind bars bookie i EVEN IF IT WAS YEARS AGO

Vince doesn't make an effort to style his hair much,he just doesn't care about his physical appearance anymore He knows he's already physically fucked up so he just, does the bare minimum He also sleeps a lot more,just - trying to stop himself from thinking about rody

-Vince keeps his head low when he's out, he doesn't like to be crowded- somehow- it works. And he's just glad he's short enough to walk without being spotted from a mile away. He still puts up a optimistic, really kind demeanor outside the bistro,but he drops it and just, he's kinder- but just- a little uptight He doesn't like getting into relationships still,he still has his heart for rody but is trying to push it back and away He mutters to himself something of the such when he starts thinking about him "he hurt you for a reason."

Vince has a mini heart attack when he sees male gingers - He wishes he could get another hug like he did once before Sooo He hugs himself to sleep He always has something in the background when he's trying to rest, usually a song

Baby I'd give you a hug

[alexsreallycoolblog]

Who's your favorite person?

ALEX: I’m gonna use my 100% amazing art skills for this

ALEX: First there’s Estella

ALEX: Personally I think she’s really pretty

ALEX: But one time she did call me a gaping mass of baby vomit so I don’t think she’s my favourite

ALEX: Then there’s Tweek

ALEX: He’s pretty cool and we both have fire related abilities

ALEX: And he is teaching me Hell’s language which is very fun

ALEX: But at the same time he’s either my friend or can barely stand me

ALEX: Next is Pip

ALEX: We were friends when we were kids before he ynow died

ALEX: And im loving the new “No more fucks to give” personality he’s got

ALEX: Although I do have to live in constant fear that he’s gonna eat my face off with his mangled ass teeth

ALEX: Next up is Thomas!

ALEX: First person I recognised when I got here and one of the most memorable

ALEX: All around cool guy, though most of the time I’m the one helping him calm down when he’s stressed out

ALEX: but i don’t mind

ALEX: Last is Gregory…

ALEX: HATE HIM HATE HIM SHOVE HIM OFF THE GRANF CANYON

ALEX: BURN HIM IN A FIRE

ALEX: I HOPE HE FALLS IN A DITCH AND BREAKS BOTJ HIS LEGS!!!!

ALEX: Anyway Pip is definitely my favourite

ALEX: Even though I have to live in fear of getting my face eaten I can admit I’ve also eaten someone’s face before

ALEX: So I can’t hate him for that

ALEX: I was there for his wedding as well so im glad he’s happier in Hell than he ever was in South Park

[screechingzephyrr]

So i finished watching the first season of CBS Ghosts, so this is the sequel to my first impressions post. My brain is preventing me from coherently creating thoughts but i know if i dont post this now i will never post it ever.

My thoughts in a big unfiltered list (sorry):

--Isaac is still my favourite character and he is going to forever live rent free in my brain. Him constantly gasping dramatically, him saying Hamilton was “fiNEee” with an eyeroll as hes battling with his love for theatre and his hatred for Hamilton. Icon behaviour. And Isaac and Nigel are so sweet and i love them so much. Everytime he pushed Nigel away i was screaming crying throwing up, silly guy behaviour over here.

--Nigels accent made me fucking wheeze as a british person, its so posh its hilarious and i love him for it

-The contrast between The Captain’s repression and Isaac’s acception is really great and i love them both dearly.

--Trevor is better in my brain now, he barely hits on Sam anymore so uncomfortableness has been vanquished and his backstory made me like him more. I like the twist and how he’s different from Julian with the fact that he didnt die in the act. Im separating them more in my head

--Jay is slightly better i guess? yeah thats it. hes allowed to exist, his and sams relationship still dont really have the right vibes for me but idk its probably just me

—Isaacs and Hettys relationship is so adorable like go off besties gossip about men but very specifically nigel

--Okay im going to be honest some of the episodes dragged and werent really enjoyable for me? maybe its because i thought there were thirteen episodes and when i was finishing episodes ten i was like hyped like “ok im nearly finished lets go!!!!” and then i checked and saw there were EIGHTEEN.

--Episodes i liked a lot / loved:

8)DND

9) Alberta’s Fan

15) Thorapy

16)Trevor’s Pants

17)Attic Girl

18)Farnsby & B

(Mostly because they had Isaac +Nigel in some of them. Also you can see the massive gap which is when i began to lose hope in existing)

--Episodes i hated:

13)The Vault

(BURN IT WITH FIRE. Elias’ ghost power made me want to scream and i had to mute it and fastforward it at on point bc my secondhand embarrassment was too strong for me to handle. The only good part of this episode was when Elias went down -into hell im guessing- and the ghosts screamed collectively. That was funny )

--The humour is really different from BBC ghosts. CBS is less subtle and very outright! i did laugh out loud quite a lot (Mostly bc of Isaac tbh. Also “Oskar is squirrel”).

i do think that its more “in the moment” type humour, if that makes any sense? like i laugh in the moment but i cant remember any jokes from it that i would reference in daily life, BUT maybe thats just because im comparing it to bbc ghosts which i had an allconsuming obsession with and can quote whole parts of episodes off the top of my head and which i influenced my parents into watching it too so we both know the jokes. so yk. its probably just me (again lol)

--also, CBS ghosts treats the Ghosts deaths in a very lighthearted way. None are very heartbroken over their deaths and many easily tell the stories of how they died. I do like this but sometimes they try to have some emotional moments?????? i mentioned this before but they literally have no impact

compared with BBC ghosts which treats each Ghosts death with varying degrees of poignancy, its very different and a nice change

— im glad i got to see more of Sasappis and Flower, theyre both icons tbh. im still wondering where Crash is?? Ive seen him maybe three or four times and one of them was in the background?

UHHH so to conclude,,, i think its a mostly entertaining show with interesting characters! Ive been rewatching a few episodes ive really liked. The episodes i didnt like as much would serve as good background noise i think.

[kidfoundonstreets]

last post AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THEY TALK TEHY TALK THEY TALK THEY TALK THJEYYYY >:D

HRLP.. casually asking his age that means that sirius couldve been waiting for dorothy for 10+ years.. damn THE “SO YOUNG” OK 500 YR OLD the only reason im not changing his name to old man is bc emo boy fits him more rlly like seeing them interact.. everybody here so interesting with each other

ALSO YEAH EXACTLY. it throws me off because ashe seems a lot more emotional in this one bro if hes still living in the past  smacks ashe so much angst can fit in this bitch FLAHSBACK TIME!!!! i realized thgat its less the crystal and more him just replaying memories?? or its zooming more in on him idk its just my own take i guess someone hug him it feels like he isnt over whatever happened at all THE PIANO PLAYING PART HAHSAHDWQH “i guess this is my fate??” PIANO PLAYING ASHE WHEN calling it right now i think that she died in a fire somehow not from her illness. maybe. maybe

WAY I GRIMACED AT THIS LINE..............................

claire noticing devleopment i love her

even if its really scaring me right now okay that was precious even if it was really depressing ashe therapy speedrun challenge GO! im glad they get to genuinely talk in this one it feels a lot more different with whats going to happen and tbh im living for it

good luck ashe i guess i really still wanna hug you they wouldnt grant it anyway. its a good wish and demons dont grant goodness and even if he did get his wish he still would never be the same because of how brutally he killed a person to get it and i dont think his family is really as healthy as he says or thinks they are it feels a lot like denial OKAY HELL YES FINAL DAY FLASHBACK TIME

its such a good family

WAIT HOLKY SHIT. RICHARD DID YOU DO THIS PROBABLY NOT NO HE LET HIM KNOW BUT HOLY SHIT

THIS IS SO WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THIS??????????? I FEEL SO BAD FOR ASHE NONE OF THIS WAS EVEN DESERVEDI DONT GET IT  THE WAY HE WOULDVE HURRIED STRAIGHT INTO THERE AND PROBABLY WOUDLVE DIED AS WELL IF PEOPLE DIDNT HOLKD HIM BACK THATS JUST CRUEL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU EWHGGSWGHGWHHHWHGWHWHW I HATE MATTY 

DUDE. I GET IT. COMPARISONS SUCK ASS BUT THAT WAS HIS ENTIRE FAMILY HE EVEN TRIED TO HELP YOU THIS IS MESSED UP  SO HE JUST ENDED UP HAVING BREAKDWONS AND DOING ALL OF THIS ITS NOT THAT I DONT FEEL SYMPATHY FOR EVERYTHING HES HAD TO DEAL WITH BUT HES RUINED SO MANY LIVES JFC the. thd resemblance with that face and the other faces he hallucinated on the others. what the fuck.

it isnt his fault he was just trying to help lillian the amount of survivors guilt ashe must be feeling right now. that’s families and even your family carrying on your back. what the hell matty. getting burned to death is one of my worst fears and the way that this just happened so easily and his family could do nothing about it and all ashe could do was stare and struggle and watch this isnt his fault at all its mattys fault for being so careless with other peoples lives or it could just be noones fault but UGGHHHJHJHEUIYU this is just too messed up. no wonder ashe can’t accept it and is so desperate

ashe 

i dont blame him for reacting like that at all. he had his entire life burn before him and just clung to the thing that couldve helped him get it back

the way that limes just in awe of how dead inside he looks  i cant get over this woah richard trying to reach out to him. that’s sweet but he’s too buried in his own mind

how long has he been doing this. long enough to grow a huge braid i guess

dude i cant take this i didnt exit out and just go speechless but i still died the fact that ashe in all of these try again try agains just kills claire over nad over hes done so much for his family and im sure that when he found out killing claire was what he had to do next his mind just thought of that as the next goal to do to get everything he wanted back i guess when he started laughing and stuff when he killed claire im taking this from reaper it was more based on adrenaline and the thought that he could finally have a good ending and not need to face the reality that everything he’s worked up to at this point + how he left his entire life behind for this + how one of his childhood best friends who he thought he could trust and tutor just full out backstabbed him by setting up the fire for certain deaths in the first place would all just crush him and hes justnjhjkhkj ashe deserved so much better. they all desevred so much better with the cards they were dealt and honestly? they all could take the witch’s heart and use it for a reasonable purpose i really like ashe. the actions he has done to achieve what he’s trying to do im sure hasn’t been pleasant or morally good but he’s desperate and doesn’t want his life to slip him by like that when it’s already too late he’s stuck himself on the stage of denial so deep that even if he does go back he won’t ever be completely healed im sure the thought scares him as well anyway good game. goodcharacter  i feel so empty and im bad at essays but im sure thge feelings will hit me hard later on another note 

i love how shocked charlotte is at claire’s genuine kindness and sympathy. i think that makes a good dynamic with her and claire  jokes on you bitch youre talking to the softest angel and you dont even know

charlotte has a point but being heartless is just something that claire wouldnt do tbh

[rotshop]

GONNA B HONEST W/ YOU ,,,,,, i rlly dont like how this is written lmao ,,,, but also im sleepy tired so i get a pass dhmu /j

[ TW ; gore, some violence, death ]

notes ; based offa DIS ,,, u might wanna read it for some context n shit ,,, lawl ,,,

-

Between the two of you, it's hard to tell who's suffocating more. It's hard to tell if its you, with the little pants that pass by your teeth in shaky steps, hitching whenever they're cut down when you have to stop to cough up blood. It should be you, you who has your guts spilled out onto the floor and your blood staining all the concrete underneath the both of you. It has to be you, who's leaning heavy against 2b's chest and drawing unfocused circles onto his shoulder. It had to be you, you just had to go inside by yourself, you just had to be slow on the draw and nearly be ripped clean in two. It just had to go wrong with just you.

Even with all that in mind, he feels like there's nothing in him. There's no lungs to draw in breaths, no mind with clear thoughts on what to do and how to stop this once more, and certainly no heart beating steadily. In those places was instead viscera, a mangled, nameless mess of pink and red weighing him. There was some clump of pink that drew in some shaky puffs, barely reaching him as he choked on his own pride. There was nothing but tangled strings and weights in his head, making his skull pound as something in the back of his mind screamed to do something. There was a heavy weight behind his ribs that stayed put, a finality hanging over his shoulder as it always would.

He doesn't want to cry. He shouldn't be, you're the one with your innards exposed to the eyes of any and all and your face buried in the crook of his neck, it should be you who's crying in pain. He shouldn't be crying, he shouldn't be shedding tears when there's not a single bleeding wound on his skin. He shouldn't be and yet they're tight in his throat, threatening to tumble past his lips and create an embarrassment of himself. A shift brings him back from his thoughts, turning his attention back to you.

There's a little stutter in your movements, a quick pause as your vision momentarily fails you and your breath is wheezed past your lips. A quick, aimless grasp at your innards to have them follow your movements, rather than stay partially stuck to the floor, tugged further from your soon-to-be-cadaver as you readjust. You're just pulling yourself ever closer to him, little to no space left between the two of you as you support yourself on his figure. He can't help the way his own movements choke and pause as he moves his arms to wrap around you. He can't help the way he takes a sharp, shaking inhale as the skin of his arm ghosts over the start of your gash.

He remembers the first time he'd been with you in your 'final' moments. He remembers how the line had fallen dead on your side and the others all fell into a silence. They'd only told him later on why, they 'didn't want to scare him off.' He was still a little upset about it, even now. He had always been stubborn like that, it was a fact of him that you regarded with warm laughter and endearing teases.

He remembers the pure terror that'd gripped him as he came across you, choked squeaks and hisses leaving your lips as you writhed. The debris around you and the tangle of pipes and bars you'd been impaled on told the story he never bothered to ask, the one he'd never truly questioned you on even to this day. Something about the way you'd glanced at him in that moment never left him. Maybe it was how the pure agony you'd been in moments before shifted to confusion on his being there, shifted into something gentler yet still as forlorn and miserable, either way it haunted him endlessly. He remembers how you were such polar opposites after he'd managed to tear himself from his place.

The clatter of his goggles against the ground fell on deaf ears when he'd rushed for you. He barely even noticed how quick his breath was speeding up, he was far too focused on helping you, on getting you back to base so he could fix this. It'd taken your weak swipes at him and breathless pleads to just stop to snap him back, he didn't want to listen to you. He wanted to tear you from that metal and drag you back to base, he wanted to set you down and get to work, and then he wanted to grab you by the collar and ask just what was going through your head. He wanted to be mad, he wanted to argue and to let go of all the tension wracking him and making his hands shake. It was tearing him limb from limb in the worst way possible, in the one way he never wanted to feel.

He was afraid. Honest to god terrified from the moment his gaze fell on your bleeding-out form. It shook him to his core in a way he hadn't felt in forever, breaking past the facade he'd worked so hard to build in an utterly humiliating manner. He hated the way he had to clench his hands and bite his tongue as he stared down at you, his weak attempt at keeping his tears back that hung by a thin string. He hated how he fell to his knees, coming face to face with you as you looked back at him.

Your eyes were still soft with accepting misery in the moment, a weak smile finding it's way onto your lips as you reached for him. You'd struggled, finding it difficult to meet his face when the world was spinning so dizzyingly. He'd hesitated, hand shaking as it found your wrist, him leaning into your touch with an unsteady breath. If the tears weren't already hanging behind his eyes, they would've burst up with a vengeance when you started brushing your thumb over the bandages on his face.

He couldn't remember how exactly you'd spoken, how you'd been able to between the gurgle of blood in your throat and the copper piercing you, but you had. It was a request ; a final wish of sorts he didn't want to deny you. You could've asked for anything in the moment and he would've done it for you, he would tear through whoever and whatever he had to for you. He would rend flesh and ruin relationships and scar the world if he had to in that very moment. He'd never been an especially generous type, he could extend a certain amount of kindness to others but there was a limit to his softness. Yet, you managed to turn him so, managed to make him give an excuse of 'it wouldn't hurt,' or 'it's just a one time thing,' when it came to you.

Even so, you'd made such a simple request. One he would've asked you himself in other circumstances if he weren't so stubborn with what little ego he clung to. One he would've been happy to hear from you in the comfort of home and privacy. Even so, he'd nodded when you asked. Even so, he'd ignored how his own hands shook as he held his over yours gently.

It was an odd feeling, your blood seeping into his mouth, iron heavy on his tongue as his lips met yours. The taste would've been revolting under any other circumstances, making him recoil and pull away with a note to never repeat the cause. Yet, he didn't. He kept his lips against yours gently, experience slipping him in the thick anxiety of the moment. Even then, reluctance followed when he pulled away.

Content lost its footing when you'd given him once last smile, then it fell with a crash when your gaze grew glassy and unfocused. He'd never forget the panic that gripped him so tightly, enough of a disturbance to slip past his guard and make the tears start to fall. He didn't even notice them in the moment, all he saw was your corpse and the end of the compassion and emotion you'd helped him regain over time. He never asked the others if they heard him then, if they heard him plead with you, if they heard the sobs and begs he never would've given if it weren't you. He's glad they never brought it up, it was just a touch easier to forget how he'd completely broken down for the first time in a long time when you'd fallen still.

He was glad you weren't able to hear them. He's sure you would've made some dumb comment about it as you stood before him, alive and well as though nothing happened. He's sure you would've smiled and hummed a question he wouldn't answer, he's sure he would've reacted all the same. He's sure he still would have grabbed you by the collar and shoved you back against the wall, he's sure he would've still hissed at you to explain yourself, ignoring the desperation laced in his voice as his eyes began to burn again. You had an effect on him, one he wouldn't ever admit to even if you poked and prodded at it time and time again by simple virtue of you being yourself.

You were a surprisingly good kisser for someone on the brink of death once more, but you were better at it when you could count how many of him there were.

He's not sure what pulls him back as he looks down at you again, noting your still form blankly. He's not sure why he pauses for a few long moments, simply keeping his arms around you as your body grows colder and colder. He's not sure why he tucks hair behind your ear and lets his hand linger, warm by contrast against you. He's not sure when he pulls himself up off the floor, careful of your innards as he pulls you up with him.

He is however sure he feels a hell of a lot better when you sit up from your previous place on the table, hand trailing over the stitches that line your stomach and chest as you give a little hum of approval. He's sure he's smiling a little at that simple bit of praise. He's sure you'd make a comment about it if you noticed.

"Happy to see me, huh?"

He's happy to be right.

[noritoshiikamo]

game over

pairing: noritoshi kamo + fem!oc genre: angst tags//warning: established relationship, wild gojo appeared // blood, character death, emotion distress, mention of shibuya  note: the obligatory trio of mine: not well edited, lowercase intended, english isnt my first language im sorry if i murder it. note that i put descriptions of the characters i write so it would be easier for me, you’re free to imagine the character the way you seem fits! okay listen imma be honest i dont like this part that much dhhdbdjksncjddiem and im sorry if it sucks bcs istg i cant compete to part 1 and 2 of it so IM SORRY tagging @unabashednightmarepizza @sassyeahhhh @dok-ja @sukirichi [bold means i cant tag u idky :( lemme know if wanna be tagged in the next part] read the first part | second part | third part | bonus

few years ago;

“you’re fucking ridiculous!”

“you’re injured, how the fuck is it me that’s being unreasonable?”

she contemplated stabbing him straight to his chest. “i’m fine, leave me alone,” she hissed, holding on to her arm as she tried to limp away. second year jujutsu student noritoshi kamo wondered how the hell one could be this stubborn. with blood caked up on the side of her face, lips busted and bruising in the corner, not to mention the broken arm and probably twisted ankle, he could not understand how one could be this reckless and stupid, it’s almost ridiculous.

but here she is standing in front of him.

“you could’ve let me handle it,” he said, coldly.

she never turned that fast in her life; her limping leg suddenly worked fine as she hauled her ass, throwing both fists to his chest. the force put was enough to threw him back a few steps, he caught her wrists holding her from falling down. “stop acting like i’m so fragile. i can exorcist the curse just fine. you make me hate you so much,” she spitted, pure rage etched on her face, “just because i’m a girl, because i’m your girl, i’m weak. please, i am as good as you are, kamo.”

their faces were so close, he could count the freckles spread on her nose and cheeks. he loves her eyes the very first time he caught glimpse of it; one is a dull brown while the other looks like it carries the secret of the bright blue sea. this time, the eyes he loves looked hopeless, lack of the burning spirit she carried with tears threatening to spill. letting go of a wrist, his trembling hand brushed the hair coated with the blood back, carefully not to hurt her. “i never said you are bad,” he clarified, fingers busy brushing the hair back. his sudden reaction surprised her, and her body betrayed her thoughts as she eased in his arms.

he tilted her chin, his head was panicking as he realised that his brain was no longer controlling his movement as he leaned down and kissed her.

she tasted like blood.

she winced, pain aching on the swollen part and he apologized so quietly as he deepened the kiss. “nori-” her voice croaked as she swallowed his moans. he hummed, satisfied by the kiss. their foreheads rest against each other, the tip of their noses touched as they struggled to catch breath.

“stop being stupid. let me help you okay?”

“okay.”

slipping his arm under hers, he helped her walk, leading them out of the abandoned building they managed to exorcist. nothing major, a couple of pestering level three and four curses that them both handled well but their supervisor missed to tell them about the hiding level two curse that took them by surprise. she had become the curse’s main target.

if she would’ve just listened to him and stay close. he sighed.

“ouch, ouch,” she cried, clutching on her left leg, forcing him to stop. impatient, he slipped his hand under her knees, lifting her up in his arms. she apologized profusely, embarrassed to be such a burden to him. he brushed it off immediately.

“did you call them? told them that we are done?”

she gasped, “wait, i thought they’ll wait for us.”

he huffed, “you’re not that important, y/n. give them a call, please. i want to go home.”

kicking the door open, the moonlight shone on them as he carried her down to the bottom stairs. settling her down on the steps, he sat beside her, letting a long sigh. he watched as she took the call, letting them know that she was slightly injured, and they need to go back asap. she was visibly tired, and he was the same too.

he couldn’t help but to sigh at the way the moonlight enveloped her. he had loved her from the very first moment he caught his eyes on her; she caught him staring, called him out publicly and ignored all his advances. it took him a lot to court her. she’s a gojo, she can have anything and everything with the sky is the limit.

but one thing money could never buy is affection.

it started with little stuffs; noritoshi waiting for her with her lunch readied every day. it annoyed her but momo (who was secretly rooting for him) forced her to just do it. “it’s just a lunch,” momo said sheepishly. noritoshi would have them paired all the time for the missions. she’d accepted it with open heart. noritoshi would also teach her how to weld a bow and shoot arrows. she promised that she would go out on date with him if he taught her.

by the end of their first year, they became inseparable.

the idea of being apart from her hurts him physically and mentally. she took a sharp breath when he laced his fingers between her own, quickly telling the other person on the phone that she was okay. “it was just noritoshi,” she replied with a small laugh. their hands fit each other; his skin contrasted her slightly tanned skin. while his hands were rough from welding the bow and he kept his nail short and clean, hers were slightly softer with her nails painted prettily. this month she had her nails painted in pastel. all the girls’ day out with momo and mai had proven its importance. he was happy to provide her with his black card despite her discontent.

“analysing my hands now?”

he smiled slightly, “it looks very pretty. i guess i got my money worth. are they coming?”

she leaned on his shoulder, his own wrapped around her as she closed her eyes, “they are around the corner. i would definitely need another round this week,” she teased. kissing her forehead gently, he didn’t mind that his uniform was stained with her blood; he was glad that she’s safe.

“i’ll happily take you there.”

few years later;

noritoshi kamo almost lost his mind. the stadium was half destroyed, huge craters on the pitch with the sight of his wife nowhere to be found. he looked up to the black pitch curtain encasing the stadium area from the sky, a curse escaped his lips.

“where the fuck are you?” he grunted, scanning the area.

she is gone, his stubborn little wife. she could’ve just wait but annoyed that their dinner date was interrupted and eager because this was their first mission together as a married couple; she escaped his supervision. as they were dealing with minor curses outside, she decided to head on forward, leaving him to deal with whatever is left. he beat himself inside for letting her come, he could easily do this himself and send her home safely, but she blinked her eyes and he was weak. she always has her way with him.

his step stopped when he realised there was a shadow ahead.

“she’s pretty,” the thing said.

his blood ran cold, “what did you do to my wife?”

the curse let out a laugh. it was sinister enough to send chills down his spine. especially when he realised the head it was stepping on was his wife. her eyes were fluttering back and forth, struggling to stay awake. a howl shocked him, shivers down his spine at the painful whimpers her shikigami making. cursed spirits were devouring it alive, overwhelming it and chewing every part of its body. his wife was too weak to dispel the shikigami; it’s dangerous as the devoured wolf shikigami will drain her cursed energy by a second.

all shikigami linked directly to the owner; everything inflected to the wolf, she could feel it too.

he needed a plan.

hidden in his wedding ring was a retractable knife. he rarely carries blood bags anymore as his power solidified itself. the older he got, the better he was at using and controlling a small steady flow of his own blood straight from the tap. with a clap of his hands, the knife cut his hand enough to send blood shooting like bullets. the blood hit the curses straight to its cores, died out instantly on impact, but the shikigami was beyond salvageable. it let out one last howl, one last goodbye before dropping to the ground, half of his snout gone. she will be devastated, it’s her only shikigami she managed to tame at such a young age, but at least it has stopped the shikigami from stripping his wife’s cursed energy to its core.

the fire burning in his eyes only made the curse laughed. he kicked her body away, spurting blood out of her mouth. she was halfway close to death’s doorstep.

“i will fucking murder you,” he hissed.

“my blood is my power. it’s supposed to rot human, stripping its meat from the bone like acid. however,” the curse nudged her body, “your wife didn’t. humour me, did your blood tainted hers? tell me, i’m curious how.”

“are you going to chit chat because i don’t have whole day.” his blood dripped on the pitch.

the curse grinned, shrugging his shoulder. he kneeled, running his bloody fingers on her cheeks leaving trails of flowers pattern that dissipated immediately, “i’m not here to fight. i’m here to serve a warning,” he looked up to the tensed sorcerer, “for gojo satoru. tell him, we’ll be waiting for him in shibuya.” noritoshi’s face scrunched in confusion.

“we have no business with the gojos.”

“but she is. she could change her name, married you, but it doesn’t erase the fact that she carried gojo’s blood in her vein. she’s the bridge to your two clans. i’m just killing two birds with one stone. ruin the kamo clan’s relationship with gojos and hurt gojo satoru. all thanks to her,” the curse turned his back on him, his laugh echoed as he walked away. the dark curtain disappeared slowly as the ground rumbled. a perfect chance for noritoshi to strike if it wasn’t because of the cursed spirit’s words gluing him to his spot, “oh, kamo, i believe a congratulation is overdue. let me know when’s the baby is due, i would love to drop by personally.”

the pillar holding on to the roof collapsed sending wave of dust all over the place. noritoshi covered his face, coughing as he sucked some in, removing his coat as a shield. the cursed spirit was no where to be found.

“the place is going to collapse! i’ll get the curse, you go get her!”

a voice echoed and he caught a glimpse of blond hair running past him and noritoshi didn’t think twice as he sprinted around the cracks and holes. who was that voice or who was the curse, he couldn’t give a single fuck, he just wants his wife back. he was shaking when he got to her, arms immediately scooped her up in his arms. her chest was raising slowly, blood dripping on the side of her lips as she struggled to exhale.

“you’re going to be okay,”

he told her, but he wasn’t sure if he will ever be.

-

“can you turn down the stupid light, it’s hurting my eyes.”

the voice laughed melodiously, the light moved to the other eye repeating the same thing.

“as you can see, she’s awake, slightly weak, but she should be okay.”

another voice interrupted, “are you sure?” she gasped, excited to hear a familiar voice. “nori?” she called out, unable to open her eyes, relying strictly to her hearing as she reached her shaky hands out for him. “her senses might be slightly off, just let her do it herself,” the woman’s voice noted, and she felt annoyed. how dare you underestimate me, her mind scoffed.

“my senses are fine. see?” she claimed as she held noritoshi’s hand up. he smiled, gently rubbing her hand with encouragement. “thanks, shoko, we are fine.”

“i’ll leave you be then. call me if you need anything.”

she listened to the clacking of shoko’s heels, followed by the door opening and slamming shut. she jumped, but he held her hand tighter, reassuring her that it’s alright. “so why can’t i see?” she asked, confident that they are alone now. she felt the bed sunk a little on the left side, “you were high on anesthesia, i’m surprise you could even move your jaw to speak.” she felt a finger brushed her hair aside, breath loomed on her face and she could feel her own face reddening up.

“are you going to kiss me or are you just going to tease me?” his heart swell up, despite her shaky voice almost made him laugh.

“do you trust me?” his hand cupped her cheek gently.

she nodded eagerly, “always.”

“good.”

his kiss hit her like a waft of fresh air. every kiss felt like a first kiss to her that she couldn’t help to react so eagerly to it. his tongue slipped through her defense, overwhelming her taste buds with such strong taste of iron. it didn’t stop her. she knew what he was doing from start. he peeked a little, didn’t stop a second from kissing her as he watched his blood marking appeared on her face. her hands went up around her neck pulling him closer and he obeyed, deepening the kiss.

heal; his mind commanded.

after a while, she pulled back, being the one to break apart from the kiss first, her chest raising up and down as she struggled to catch her breath. her eyes were wide open now, fluttering lazily as she leaned back on the propped-up pillow. he wiped the corner of his lips, eyes on her as he watched the open wound on her face and arms slowly closed leaving the fresh healed red marks behind. he relaxed when he heard a thank you coming from her, as she checked her healed arms.

“i’m disappointed with you,” he finally broke the silence.

“really?” she frowned. he always does this thing where he will immediately go into lecture mood every time she does something that pisses him off. it’s almost like a game to her as she waited for him to explode, “right now? not even going to wait until i’m discharged. this is a new record, toshi. like shoko said, i’m fine.” he shook his head, “it doesn’t make it right. you always disobeyed me. ignored my orders, going about with your goddamn big head, you could’ve been killed.”

she rolled her eyes, noritoshi is being noritoshi, what a drama queen, she mentally rolled her eyes, “but i’m not,” she pushed her hair back, twisting it easily into a simple loose knot, “i told you, i am not weak.”

“your shikigami was destroyed, your blood was poisoned, 70 percent was already circulating to every part of your vein, i had to beg for the higher up to help purify your blood,” her smile died down. this game no longer feels fun for her. noritoshi was really mad this time. “you think it’s fun and all game but game over, y/n. you need to stop doing this. if you can’t do it for me, do it for yourself.”

“leave me alone, nori, if you just going to nag, please i don’t want to hear it. i’m tired.”

it made him angry that she was taking his word lightly. running his hand in his messy hair, he felt like hauling his head to the wall.

“you don’t understand-”

she slammed her hand on the bed, interrupting his words, “no YOU don’t understand me, i’m tired of you babying me. i’m an adult, i am your wife, stop treating me like a fucking child! we have been married for months, but god you’re suffocating me.”

“i will when you stop endangering yourself. i will stop treating your like a child when you stop acting like one. you’re pregnant, for the love of god!” he threw his hand on the wall. the wall cracked from the force. “i’m what?” she felt the world stopped spinning. she was hundred percent sure that her ears and head were deceiving her. he removed his hand from the hole he made on the wall, his body shaking from the amount of anger building up.

“noritoshi, answer me! what do you mean- i’m not pregnant, i had my period this month.”

“you are,” he shrugged. he felt something hit him in the back; looking down he saw the fluffy white pillow sitting by his feet.

he pointed to the bedside table where a sonogram perched up against a tissue box. she was about to lose her mind. “this is not funny, if this is your mean way of fucking me up because i won’t listen to you then this is just fucking cruel.”

he marched towards him, his hand went down on his chin, forcing her eyes on him, “until you stop playing your stupid games, until you stop treating your life like it’s nothing, until you consider my feelings and my worries, as your husband is valid, i do not exist in your life,” tears fell down her cheeks, “like you, i’m tired too.

“nori i-“

he left her before she could say a word. she broke into sob; her chest was pounding so hard that the blood pressure monitor was beeping. the door burst opened but it was not the face she wanted to see. she was immediately hysterical. satoru managed to hold her wrist down before she ripped the tubes and needles off her arms. “no, no, i want nori. where is he!” she screamed as satoru held her down. “you need to calm down, it’s not good for the baby,” satoru cooed, but she was not having it. he turned to shoko, “her cursed energy is skyrocketing, she’s going hysterical, do something!”

“let me go!”

shoko held out a syringe, “hold her down.”

she screamed, thrashing so rough that she almost slipped out of the strongest sorcerer’s hands. she managed to get a needle out before she felt another sharp pain on her back. shoko pulled the empty needle out and they retreated away as she fell on her butt backward. she was reduced to a babbling mess, her eyes drooped as she struggled to fight the waves of sleepiness hitting her one after another.

“tell him i’m sorry,” she croaked out, before everything turned completely dark.

the blood pressure monitor returned back to normal.

three days later;

“are you still going to ignore her? it’s been 3 days.”

“she needs to learn her place.”

gojo satoru disagreed. he eyed the head of the clan, shaking his head before standing up. he thought he could convince noritoshi kamo to visit his wife, but the man was as stubborn as- huh, her.

“i think she have learned enough, she’s miserable. you’re miserable.”

the man glared at the blonde man child, raising the cup of tea up for a sip. the tea doesn’t taste as good as the way she made it. he left her for 3 days and he found himself struggling to do everything alone. 

he, noritoshi kamo, 23 years old and the head of the kamo family, could not make a cup of fucking tea.

she always said that the best way to make tea depends on how long you let it steep. “too early and you won’t get the right amount of flavour,” she explained, her back facing him as he watched from the counter as she loomed over the stove, “but if you steep it way too long you going to burn the tea leaves and it will make everything taste bitter.” she turned around, a huge smile on her face that made his heart skipped a beat.

he frowned; the tea tasted bitter.

“she’s pregnant, she’s supposed to be crazy. you are supposed to be the wise one. she is going to carry your child for 9 long months, i can’t explain to you how long that’s going to be but she is allowed to be crazy.”

he dropped the cup on the floor when gojo’s hand grabbed him by his collar, pulling him up from his chair.

“now please, see your goddamn wife before i deck you in the mouth.”

“i will.”

satisfied with his answer, gojo’s demeanor changed and he was again the man child they all know of him. noritoshi could no longer focus on the report in front of him; not when his mind is full of her and only her.

would she forgive him? he wasn’t sure.

but he would spend his lifetime making up to her and the baby if that’s necessary.

[icarushasfallenfromthestars]

That dream angst fuckin wrecked my heart..any chance for a part 2 with comfort(im not the og requester so if not thats fine its just OUGH my heart)

So both you and the og requester asked for a part 2, which means I'm definitely gonna do it! (I'd do it even if the og didn't ask so lmao) I HAD TO REWRITE THIS 12 GOD DAMN TIMES BECAUSE TUMBLR IS SHIT AT SAVING THINGS

I'm honestly so glad people enjoy my writings! Feel free to request more! My inbox is open and I have no requests lined up yet!

Once again. This is a completely fictitious story and version of Clay.

TW: Panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts,

Part one

Found (Outside The Screen) (Dream x GN! Reader) Part 2

"(Y/n)!"

His voice echoed through the house as you scrambled around corners to escape the possible wrath of your boyfriend. Or maybe even soon to be ex boyfriend.

Despite living in this house with him for a little over two years, it was beginning to feel like a maze. You couldn't tell which way was left and which way was right, your head spinning with panic as you gasped for breath.

He's gonna find you...

The house wasn't even that big, and quite an open concept, so you had no idea why you were finding it so confusing. All you knew at the moment was...

Get out.

Once your eyes landed on the door that lead out, you made a beeline towards it and flung it open. Maybe you should've known better than to attempt to run from the manhunt god...

The footsteps pounding against the floor not too far behind you startled you enough to jump outside and slam the door behind you in hopes of giving yourself enough time to run farther.

There were plenty of things failing to register in your mind as you ran down the empty sidewalks. Such as the poor choice (or lack) of shoes you were wearing, or even the heavy night rain pelting down on your shaking body.

Your lungs were burning.. But your brain had thrown itself so far into fight or flight mode that you had no care for anything around you, hardly blinking twice as the signs of unfamiliar street names flew past you.

Eventually, when you physically couldn't breathe any longer, you sat on a bench and took awhile to think. The consistent rain pelting down on your head was actually a decent grounder to help you snap yourself out of it... But that only caused more confusion and another wave of panic to wash over you.

Where... were you?

Doesn't matter. Don't go back.

Oh God... He hates you..

Why wouldn't he..?

He was too embarrassed to show you to his chat!

What did you do that was so embarrassing?

God.. What was so wrong with you that he stayed in his streaming room for days on end!?

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you choked back a few sobs, trying your best to keep what was left of your composure. Very quickly, however, you gave up on trying to hold yourself together and broke down, hiding your face in your knees.

Time seemed to pass by way too quickly but also way too slowly at the same time.. Like time itself was giving you the one finger salute. When you finally stopped crying, you leaned back against the back of the bench and gave a shaky sigh before you decided to attempt to think rationally again.

You had no clue where you were. Nothing looked familiar. What time is it? No clue, you don't have your... Your phone!

You quickly scrambled to your pocket to pull out the cellular device, and stared at the black screen for a few seconds. Anxiety was the reason for your hesitance as you stared into your reflection, frowning slightly. Without thinking twice, you pressed the button and the screen lit up with various arrays of colours.

78 Missed calls from Clay💚

2 Missed calls from George👓🇬🇧

7 Missed calls from Sapnap🔥

Was... He so mad that his friends were trying to yell at you too? You tilted your head slightly and scrolled through the other notifications on your lockscreen.

Twitter seemed to be losing their minds over your boyfriend's stream and wondering who the stranger was. Seeing the headlines flooded you with immeasurable guilt and you almost put your phone down again, if your phone didn't start buzzing.

You glanced down at the screen and say Clay was making call number 79... Man, he was persistent.. and he would probably continue to call until you answered...

Your finger hovered over the decline button, before slowly moving over and landing on the green one instead. "...Hello...?"

"(Y/n)...?" Had... He been crying...? "Oh my god! You're alive!" He gasped out with glee before giving a few sobs of... relief...?

"...You... Aren't... Mad?" You whispered very softly and hesitantly, your voice scratchy and sore from crying.

He sighed and there was a little bit of shuffling as well as a few male voices in the background. "No. Not in the slightest... Where are you? I want to apologize in person.. And when it doesn't sound like you're in a hurricane.."

You lifted your head up to look at the rain that was continuing to pelt down on you before looking around. "..I'm not sure.." You heard your partner echo your statement in question form as you looked for street signs through the rain. Glancing back at your phone, you saw the screen light up again, this time it was a warning label.

Your battery was almost dead...

"C-Clay.. My phone is going to die.." You murmured softly, your heart filling with dread as you turned down your brightness and closed any unnecessary apps.

There was a little bit of clattering and shuffling on the line as Clay hurriedly walked from the windows to the door, trying to see you from the home. "G-give me landmarks! Hurry!" He practically begged as you shot up from your bench, ignoring the burning soreness in your legs.

Spinning around quickly, you began listing off a few company buildings you saw, trying to shout over the rain and a few cars driving by. "Yeah-yeah! There's also that little sushi place beside the restaurant too.."

You heard the furious typing of his computer before another almost sob of relief. "You're on Rosewood Avenue... How the hell did you run that far? Okay, you're going to walk in the opposite direction of the sushi place until you reach a road called Miller Road, got that?" He waited for a verbal noise of agreement before continuing, "Once you get there, turn left and keep walking straight until you get to a steakhouse. I'll meet you half way, if you don't see me there, don't move unless you have to. Got it?" He asked firmly, with a small hint of desperation in his tone.

You rubbed your face as you mentally repeated the directions to yourself. "Yeah.. Yeah.. I got it." You began to walk along the sidewalks, your shoulders beginning to tremble from the water induced shivers trailing up and down your spine.

"..(Y/n)?"

"Yeah?"

"I lov-"

Your phone died..

Pulling the device away from your head, you pressed the buttons a few times before groaning and shoving it into your pockets as you began to walk.

Your mind was blurry but also hyper aware along the walk to the road where Clay told you to go. 'What was he going to say? If... He doesn't hate me... was he going to say- No.. no. He hadn't said that line in over a few months now.. No reason why he would say it now..' You mentally scolded yourself.

The rain didn't seem to be too keen on letting up as you walked through large rippling puddles. Your clothes were soaked, your hair completely drenched and you were pretty sure you were gonna need to buy a new phone with how much your current one was getting waterlogged..

You rose your arm to shield your face from the onslaught of water that a car had caused by driving through a large puddle before running your hand down your face.

Part of you was still a bit.. angry... at Clay... He had ignored you for so long and wanted nothing to do with you.. Then suddenly you spill hot coffee on yourself and then boom, you have the man more focused than when he has a good speed run seed. What about all those times you were begging him to come to bed, or at least eat dinner at the table with you? Did you only matter when you were in pain?

Biting your lip, you shook off the thought as you looked up again to see the steakhouse that you were directed to go to, the signs glowingly and people shuffling in and out through the doors...

Then there was another man, standing under a large black umbrella wearing a damp lime green hoodie...

Only you'd recognize that face anywhere where others wouldn't.. Standing in the street lights perfectly was your boyfriend, Clay.

Your heart trembled but also melted slightly upon seeing that he wasn't paying attention to his screen anymore. You. He was focused on finding you...

As you began to walk closer, you saw him lift his head and stare at you for a few seconds before dropping the umbrella and lunge forward to wrap you in a loving embrace. "I'm sorry.." Was the first thing he whispered, his voice almost as hoarse as yours. "I know.. that a simple apology will never excuse what I put you through... You cared for me, and even after a stupidly ignored you... You still didn't leave, or get angry. I don't deserve you, I know that, and you have every right to be upset, angry or whatever you're feeling right now.. Please, it doesn't matter how long it takes... Just let me make it up to you and let me prove myself worthy of your love again.."

Your lips parted in surprise as you stared at him, the streetlight poorly capturing his normal beauty, but still doing it well enough that you felt your heart soar. "Clay..." Your eyes traced his features, his puffy and reddened eyes and his cheeks stained with tear tracks, "You have a lot to work and make up for... I'm not going to forgive you immediately, but I'm not going to leave you.. We can work things out.. Together, okay?"

He eagerly nodded and gently held your face in his hands before pressing a light kiss to your forehead. "I'll break away from video editing and streaming for a while.. So I can focus on repairing things with you.."

You buried your face into the male's sweater, that was beginning to become soaked as well from the rain and you, and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him.

"(Y/n)?"

"Mm..?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Clay."

[clvmtines]

welcome aboard, clementine martinez, student #2. we are excited to set sail with you !  has anyone told you that you look like alexa demie? according to our records, you hail from florida, usa, prefer she / her pronouns, are a cis woman, and are here to study creative writing. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your online lottery win — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + charming, + free-spirited, but also - restive. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the billiards room. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a casino chip carried around for luck from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hi friends! i’m very excited to be here. i’m jay (est, she/her) n i used to play astrid nyland a few months ago if anyone remembers bt i had to leave for personal reasons. i’m so glad to be back now that i hve life sorted and some free time for summer break <3 read on for some details abt this new muse of mine, clementine. 

01. biography !

so ! clementine was born in florida. & yes, her real name is clementine. her mom thot it was the cutest name idea ever. clementine mostly goes by clem. she comes from the town [redacted] in florida bcoz i am too lazy to look up a specific town <3 but alas ! it was swampy and humid and she lived in a trailer park. 

her parents got knocked up at nineteen. clem was born nine months after a particularly wild 1999 fourth of july. her birthday is march 26th and she’s an aries. 

(TW: addiction, child injury) clem’s dad was a gambling addict and petty criminal—he wld steal credit cards n whatnot. he wld gamble away diaper money n it would cause constant fighting until her dad finally left. her mom took this very hard n began drinking a bit too often, leaving clem to to make cereal for dinner n fend for herself. once clem tried to make hot dogs on the stove and spilled boiling water on herself. got a p bad burn on her arm/shoulder and still has a big scar.

the soundtrack of her childhood was cicadas buzzing and stray dogs barking. the sizzle and pop of natty light cans. turning up her ipod to max volume to drown out the sounds of her mother fighting with her new boyfriend.

throughout her upbringing, clem’s dad was always in and out of the picture. he’d blow into town when he hit it big. he’d take her on these little “adventures” like staying in a motel 6 n renting movies at block buster n ordering good pizza nt the dominos shit she ate with her mom lol. ofc he was charging it all to someone’s stolen credit card. he’d always promise to, like, take clem away. n clem was a daddy’s girl so she believed him. the last time it happened was her h.s. graduation. her mom didn’t show ( "overslept” after a bender ) but her dad did and surprised her n said everything wld be different. bt then he bailed on their plans for the next day n when she called his cell, the number was disconnected. tht was the defining “i’m done” moment. clem promised to never be disappointed by her father again.

(TW: racism) her mother has mexican ancestry and clem’s always been called her twin. but clem was raised in a predominately white area and honestly ?? it was really hard without her even realizing it. she’s still unpacking a lot of things today abt her youth that jst weren’t okay bt she thought were normal. like microaggressions, stereotypes, being fetishized by boys in high school. gross shit.

as a kid, clem was rumored to be really poor bc she wore tattered clothes n got free lunch at school. once she invited a friend to her house & the next day they told everyone it’s in a trailer park. that reputation—the “trailer park girl”—was really hard to shake. and clem got almost desperate to shake it. she was endlessly trying to set her old self on fire and emerge from the ashes like a phoenix.

eventually clem became more “popular”. in school she was, like, a straight b student. very average although super creative and quick-thinking. she always had street smarts. problem solving skills. independence. more of, like, practical intelligence as opposed to book smarts because academia bores her tbh. she was like why am i reading these overrated boring books by dead white men or learning abt polynomials when i know nothing abt how to pay a mortage or do taxes. like...she saw the american education system as bullshit and put in modest effort because she didn’t believe it deserved her sweat and tears. 

however, she entered the online lottery for the seas program on a whim and got in. so she’s studying creative writing now.

02. personality !

first thing you shld know abt clem is that she’s a compulsive liar essentially—she tells various stories to make her life seem better than what it was. to one person, she’s an heiress to a real estate company and grew up wealthy. to the next she was raised by nomadic hippies. some of her lies are small fibs while others are grandiose tales. she rarely talks about her actual upbringing. she hates talking abt her family or the v real trauma of growing up in a household where both parents struggled w/ addiction; the uncertainty, the broken promises, the fact that she had to grow up so soon and deal w/ so much. it wasn’t fair, and if she thinks about it too much, she feels this anger. anger at the universe. anger at her circumstances. she doesn’t know where to put this anger. she doesn’t know how to shrink it. so she avoids it.

despite her rough upbringing, though, clem is actually really sweet and kind. she’s adventurous, fun-loving, free-spirited, and bold. 

bt ! she can also be closed-off, competitive and restive. 

she’s seemingly tight with everyone? like she’s jst that girl who can get along with anyone tbh. 

in her spare time you can catch her tanning by the pool, hanging at the bar, playing pool ( which she learned from her dad ), and socializing. she’ll never say no to hanging out with people. 

she learned a lot from her little “adventures” with her dad, who was very good at conning others and often involved her in his dumb little scams. clem is suuuper good at pulling the ‘im baby 🥺’ card to get what she wants.

she can be a little selfish, because she grew up looking out for herself. 

stubborn and dogmatic as hell !!!

she doesn’t do too many relationships but when she does fall, i imagine she falls hard and fast. she refuses to be made a fool of, tho. when she gets vulnerable she flashes back to being a kid, waiting all day for her dad to show up only to have him bail on her. again. she hates that feeling. so if she, like, senses a shift in someone’s energy she’ll b like, “i’ll break up with u before u can do it to me” and the person wasn’t even tryna dump her lmao.

has a lot of sex. too much ?? sex?? mayb. but she’s v sex positive.

her personal style is v late 90s. hair clips, big scrunchies, neon, fur trim, crop and tube tops, hoop earrings, chokers, patterns, platform shoes, biodegradable glitter cuz it’s good fr the earth *winks*. clothes from o-mighty.......actually jst google o mighty, pull up the images and That is clem. she dresses like a bratz doll. she’s dedicated to the aesthetic.

03. headcanons !

her item brought from home is a hot pink poker chip from a casino. her dad gave it to her. he said it reminded him of her because of the color; he got it during one of his winning streaks and said it was lucky. she has a complicated relationship w/ her dad n doesn’t even speak to him anymore, bt she will never go anywhere without it.

she’s a smol bean—only 5′4

an astrology girl and she reads palms ! she absolutely makes astrology tik toks that people only watch because she’s hot. her flirting technique is to ask you to read your palm.

she doesn’t typically drink to get drunk. but she does love a good sugary cocktail. to her, a drink is like an accessory. a blue fishbowl by the pool, a jack and coke as she stands around a bar. usually she'll nurse the same beverage for a while. if you see her wasted it usually means she’s going thru it emotionally lol. the one thing she does do is drugs tho 

pretty much listens to exclusively female artists.

a bit of an activist. environmentalism, feminism and the like, she’s v outspoken. vegan for ethical reasons (TW: drugs) bt still does cocaine. she wears shirts with ‘my pussy my choice’ bedazzled on the front.

loves to rollerblade ! back home she didn’t have a car so she’d bike or rollerblade. now she still has her blades and she’ll use them when the ship docks. 

03. wanted connections !

Friends, bffs, ride or dies, friends who are like siblings to her, maybe a friend with an unrequited crush on either side ??

an ex she dumped/cheated on/otherwise self sabotaged their relationship because she was afraid of vulnerability.

an ex friend who realized she lies a lot abt herself n felt betrayed. OH ! ESP if they opened up to her on many occasions abt intimate, personal stuff. imagine the betrayal they felt when they found that everything they thought they knew abt clem is a lie.

someone who she actually opens up to. a confidant. or, maybe, like, a stranger she drunkenly spilled her soul to and now she avoids them like the plague.

a rival. clem can be competitive.

her drug dealer 

someone she knows she shouldn’t hook up with and… does it anyways. like a friend’s ex or smthing. spicy <3

i welcome anything !

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

[cosmosrival]

there it is! kama interlude analysis by a kama fan!

WELL. LIKE IT SAYS IN THE TITLE: this is just my own thoughts!! youre free to think whatever u want !! i am just putting my own knowledge into words because i genuinely love kama, and i would like for kama’s depth to be understood by the NA fandom a little more!! i try to stay as close as possible to their character in everything i do because i believe that the more in character they are, the funnier/more interesting content ppl will produce. 

and hopefully i understood them well ???!!!! HOPEFULLY ?!

i will be screenshotting the translated reddit post under this read more and stop whenever something i find interesting to develop pops up ! or else it’ll get way too long lol if you wanna read the interlude for yourself heres the link!

with that said, let’s go!!

kama’s interlude begins with guda passing the hell out because of exhaustion and then waking up in a dream sequence where kama treats them to some relaxing adventures, stuff to take their mind off heavy things!! first dream sequence is kama roleplaying a highschool setting where they’re dating.

i like this because they openly admit that its an illusion, breaking the immersion but as long as youre okay with roleplaying, they’ll continue it LOL  at some point, caesar mentions the student council president and arjuna appears behind him 

since this is an illusion that kama made, i’ve been wondering about the fact that the way servants conduct eachother in this interlude is mostly because that’s how kama envisions they would act in a highschool setting, in an amusement park and finally with eachother (mostly for confirmed couples such as siegbryn, consort yu and her hubby etc...). suzuka and sei being gyarus is obvious, but arjuna as the student council president... is so cute???!!! i MEAN IT FITS ?! THATS A GREAT IDEA KAMA!!!! ANYWAY

this is kama’s first monologue and since they’re primarily the god of lust, all of the more vanilla stuff they mentions such as sharing a pair of headphones embarrasses them since its so tame. ITS CUTE !!! kama expects you to be horny in class !! what are you doing thinking about hand holding !!! medusa saves u from that tho with a direct reference to her relationship with kama’s vessel 

this is interesting !! and reassuring !!! i think that kama as a character has a lot of depth and just reducing them to “sakura” would be a waste and this interlude shows how different they are from her. but they’re also similar! sakura went through a lot just like medusa says and kama does have trauma related to shiva. its not the same circumstances but the same kind of suffering which explains the nuance here. and what i like about chaldea is that there’s been multiple instances where its been proven that servants can grow thanks to their relationships with guda (most common example: leveling up your bonds) BUT ALSO, saint graph evolution (alts). and as a kama fan i’d like to see them happy someday and this interlude as a whole is proof of their healing/coping because of the time they spent in chaldea and how they interact with others. more on that later ! here, they don’t recognize medusa which is normal since they’re not sakura (someone else entierly), but...

they care about her ! because of sakura’s influence being a part of the servant called Kama(assassin). the difference here is important !! but i’ll come back on this in a bit. quick mention to the greek cupid <3 kamadusa nation we were fed (i clap by myself because im the only one who has 57575757557 kama rarepairs-----)

kama is a delinquent whos horny in class but still takes a few notes, enough to do well on their tests! and thats tea<3 smart horny lazyass !! theyre a gift

SO ARJUNA WAS OUT FOR BLOOD ????? ANYWAY, this is right after the actual fight against weirdo terrorists, and im happy to know that kama DOES enjoy a good fight (as proven in their voicelines as well) but theyre not a farming unit because it’d be too much work (single target NP..)...!!!!!!! lavish god of love.... 

FINALLYYYYYYYYYYY THE REAL DEAL !!!!!!!!!!!! “it feels wonderful to be your girlfriend” christ, kamadeva was so used to being a husband and a good lover, it reflected in their servant version.... but ree what do u mean by servant version???

I MEAN THE OBVIOUS !! kama explains it very well in the screenie just above ! 

“You know very well how servants work.”

KAMA ASSASSIN (the servant in your chaldea) is neither KAMADEVA or SAKURA MATOU or MARA. they’re a MIX OF PARTS OF THE THREE. creating an entierly new person(in this case, servant) !!!! it might sound like i’m repeating myself, but this is important!!!!!!!!! i will say this multiple times so people remember it !!! and if u already had this figured out: GOOD JOB I LOVE U !!!

Kamadeva (the god) has many stories, ones where he was born from concepts (dharma and shraddha), one where his parents are brahma and sarasvati, one where his parents are vishnu and lakshmi, stories about his reincarnation after his death where his parents are krishna and rukmini, his love with Rati and so on. We all know Sakura’s backstory since this is nasuverse. And Mara is a demon, an entity that tried to corrupt Buddha and prevent him from reaching enlightenment/stray from the path. Kama assassin has parts from all of these entities which explains why they have a vague longing for Rati, why they have a soft spot for Medusa and why they have an affinity with Kiara(and also like talking about corrupting u !). 

they then mention how a japanese highschool setting is fun and all i have to say is: i’m gonna make an indo fam delinquent vs student council au out of this one folks !!!!!!!! i gotta !!! 

OK next

TIME FOR THE SECOND DREAM SEQUENCE WHICH I WAS VERY VERY VERRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY AFRAID OF BEFORE THE TRANSLATION CAME OUT.

THE PART WHERE KAMA ACTS LIKE YOUR CHILD.

well with their stage 1 it was expected but without the translation i have to say that i was scared shitless! because people hate thinking! and even if kama clearly tells you that it’s a charade, u know a JOKE. A DREAM SEQUENCE. DONT BE A CREEP. KAMA INTENDED FOR IT TO BE WHOLESOME. i know some ppl wont use their brains. but u know its fgo and degenerates are everywhere. 

anyways. family bonding time ensues until another monologue appears!!

exactly like before, kama mentions myths that belonged to kamadeva. Meaning that the Kama in our chaldea isn’t the Kamadeva we know and is not Pradyumna either but the fact that the writers chose to have kama acknowledge it is very reassuring !!! Because it means that they’ve chosen to make it a part of their (complicated) history. Kama says that Pradyumna is the myth about themself they know the least, once again proving us that the Kama in our Chaldea (Assassin) is a different entity and that they were summoned to the throne upon their death, the moment they were burned by Shiva’s flames and became Ananga, in any case they’re still familiar with all of their own myths. it allows us to keep heroic spirits separate from their original myths. Obviously! And in the case of pseudo-servants, it allows us to keep them separate from their vessels. Cuz this is a fanservice japanese game. Andddd the fandom likes forgetting this fact quite a lot i’ve noticed. As a person who loves thinking about tons and tons of headcanons for fun, this allows us a lot of space ! Because this is fate/grand order at its base. Nasuverse. 

I’m glad that the interlude explains it so clearly, it’s very good !! Because the majority of myths from every culture are confusing, family trees are confusing, names are confusing, powers and attributes are confusing... its a mess !!!! the fgo characters we know are just cut from their own respective timelines/historial figures so the writers can organize themselves more easily. Like cutting halves from a big cake. Kama (Assassin) is the Kama that died from Shiva’s flames and became the universe ONLY. In Nasuverse, Arthur Pendragon is a woman. Anastasia Romanov NEVER had a demon familiar named Viy in real life despite the creature being part of russian folklore. u know ! im russian i can testify dude !! 

hopefully everyone got this bc i wont be explaining this any further dude, its exhausting !!!!!! bangs my hands on the table !!!!! 

ANYWAYS kama mentions “eternal pain that turns [them] into ash” being their key element. Their trauma is at the center of their heroic spirit self, what they are as a servant. This suffering is tied to everything they do, why they’re so lazy, why they’re so lax, why they’re so detached from their job.  But they’re not detached from their role. And “job” and “role” have different connotations here. They refuse to work as a cupid because of obvious reasons. BUT. They’re not detached from their role as the God of Love, as the God of Passion. The embodiment of those feelings. This whole interlude is proof ! They’re giving u free therapy because they Love you. Passion. They feel your love. Passion. They acknowledge how much fun you’re having. How passionate you are about certain things. They might seem extremely detached and hateful, but they aren’t. They’re one of the most empathetic servants there is. And their ability to love everything, even the things they hate is what makes them so miserable. Because it’s a part of them. Because the concept of Kama in hinduism is linked to them. Be it lust or simply the passion born from anything you do where you’re enjoying yourself. (quote:  “ the term also refers to any sensory enjoyment, emotional attraction and aesthetic pleasure such as from arts, dance, music, painting, sculpture and nature “. R. Prasad (2008), History of Science, Philosophy and Culture in Indian Civilization )

... I’d like to say that this contrast with Mara is interesting. And that i’m glad the writers chose to add in Mara to the kama assassin Beast mix. 

Because the anger Mara feels can become a drivepoint for Kama. I’ve always believed that anger and sadness are two sides of the same coin, it’d explain how layered Kama is and how valid their emotions are. Constantly torn between love and hate. An eternal grudge (i don’t deserve to be hurt like this) and an eternal misery(maybe i do deserve to be hurt like this). 

i wish they were my roommate <3 oh fuck ree got emotional wait where were we.

OH YEAH

i think kama saying that they dislike being involved with other indian servants because theyre linked to shiva is a feeble attempt at trying to keep up a strong front because they still love them in the end. cuz that’s how kama is ! after a while they’ll get bored of bullying ganesha and ashwatthama. they’ll get interested in rama because their respective mythos are linked even if their servant selves have no connection. hell, at the end of the interlude they talk about parvati and how they themself changed and realized things. BUT OH WELL, THATS STUFF FOR ANOTHER POST HEHE thats just ree wanting kama to b happy yall move along !!

.....THIS ISNT A COLLEGE STUDENTS ROLEPLAY BUT ITS A CUTE JAPANESE COMPANY BOSS/UNDERLING SETTING AND ITS CUTE SO I THINK KAMA WEARING A PENCIL SKIRT AND POURING U ALCOHOL IS CUTE. CUTE.

further proof of kama’s overflowing affection and what i detailed above!! hopefully u all knew this one simply from reading this interlude/their profile page and dont need me to write it down for u. HOPEFULLY !!!!!

(I START BEATBOXING VERY RAPIDLY AND RUNNING TOWARDS YOU) KAMA IS A SADIST AT THEIR CORE AND I WILL NEVER STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they’re easy to fluster because theyre not used to being so vanilla, but whats underneath is how they truly are !! a beast turned servant, the sweetest sadist !! theyre very mature and this interlude is so well written (wipes my teears

this is directly linked to what i explained above, by burning you away, you’ll melt into nothingness just like they did. When they were the universe, they felt both everything and nothing. 

But was it really relief ... ?

... IT WASNT.

AND PARVATI SAVES THE DAY !!!!!!! phew!! thank u paru, it’d still like to be able to touch kama’s huge titties and i cant do that if i turn into ashes (falls down the stairs

ok she summoned lovey dovey canon couples to annoy kama since they’re exhausted of seein them!!

...............(I TAKE OUT A KNIFE) TAKE THAT BACK. DONT TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT. TAKE THAT BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

ohhhhhh im obsessed i love when theyre angry<3 i love when theyre fighty <3 i think they should beat the living shit out of a boxing bag DAILY to let out some of this steam. they’d be a monster on the ring... aaa kama in training boot y shorts aa a .. .uughg hg ouu... (you all shove me into a locker)

ok this is interesting !! i think that the interlude showing us that parvati feels a semblance of guilt is character dev. proof for what i mentioned before!! in ookuu parvati felt quite ..unsympathetic to me, even if kama is a beast who wants to annihilate humanity, when u think about it, at their core their grudge is because of her and shiva’s betrayal. and here, she properly apologizes for making kama so upset. this is heartwarming to me since i dislike thinking that members of the indo fam hate eachother :( same goes for arjuna and karna, at some point i’d like for them to act like bros normally and finally be comfy. but anyways !!

u wake up from the dreams and da vinci, mashu and paru are here to tell u whats going on. But its fine bc u remember everything and u have to go thank someone for helping u out!!!

CUTE !!!!!!! THEY CARE ABOUT U !!!!!! but whether it be because of their role or because theres a deeper meaning is entierly up to your own interpretation because...

of what they say here. 

and here !! 

ohhhhhhhhh this is so important !!!!!!

this is actual proof of kama’s growth as a servant and how servants evolve in chaldea !! chaldea is not the same as a grail war, its a special, cut-off place and thats what makes it even more relaxing to think about. Everytime u summon a servant in ur chaldea u give them a chance to have fun with you, to have fun with other servants, to make amends, to start from scratch, to discover things they would’ve never known in their time (movies, video games, tons of different foods etc...), u give them a chance to relax. to grow !! this is the headcanon that im most attached to and im glad to see it be confirmed in the interlude of a character i love tbqh i had to stop and talk about that.

everyone say thank u kama !! can we roleplay a college roommate coffee shop slowburn au next time <3 

ANYWAYS if you’ve read it this far: thank you !!! im sorry if you expected something very serious, im not that type of person hehe im jus here to have fun and look at things i like, and the interlude itself was quite lighthearted and refreshing. By talking about the myths and all of kamadeva’s stories, the writers basically gave lore nerds a huge thumbs up like... “its ok now !! u can go ape now !! go be insane<3 love u<3″ and all of this kama characterization GENUINELY makes me so happy because i think they really needed that. kama assassin... (i blow a kiss to the sky) is a little mess of a servant... a god, human crumbs and a demon... a total mess... im in love with them...

..............tho now the wait for a summer alt where they interact with the entire indo fam begins (im sitting in a chair unmoving)(i have a gun in case minase begins acting gross

[lifeinthegladhouse]

long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

---

There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE. 

[mousehole5000]

the rest... of... book 4..... through chapter 225

i sad.

“He was lying to himself and lying to others! All nothing but deceit! No matter what, it was impossible to pretend nothing had ever happened, and it was impossible to return to before!!!” - i know :(

“Before Feng Xin went, he was afraid. Now that Feng Xin had gone, he wasn’t scared any longer. But, even though he wasn’t afraid anymore, he was in deeper agony.” - ah yes. being afraid of your friends leaving so you do things to drive them away so you can have something to point to and say that you were the one who made the choice and you dont have to fear it anymore. except that has never once worked out ever and turns out losing people just means you lost them and it still hurts. not that i would know or anything.....

“He saw upon the table there were a few plates of horrid-looking dishes that were now cold. They were what he made the queen take away without eating a single bite the night before. Now, he pulled them over absent-mindedly, and ate everything, not daring to leave behind a single leaf, afraid to miss a single grain of rice. After he ate he started puking.” - this broke me and the bad cooking isnt funny anymore :(

all this happens after they have money again. no further commentary on this chapter

i know for a lot of book 3 i just wanted hua cheng to go away but now i would give anything for wuming to come and interrupt these interactions with white no-face

“Lang Ying, a brute commoner, led an army and destroyed Xianle. With the aura of the king enveloping his body, ordinary evil wouldn’t be able to come close to his person. However, at this moment, what Xie Lian brought with him were millions of souls of those who died on the battlefield!” - interesting to think about this story from lang ying’s point of view. the bit about his wife and child... oh my god... the things we carry with us...

“Will it really be alright to leave him like this? How about, I give him a cup of water?” - cup of water motif is back... ouch

“One person. Just one. Really. Just one person was enough!” - for like 20 minutes after reading this i really was just sitting here thinking about every time a stranger did me a small a kindness and the times i did the same it just made me cry harder i love people and they really can be awful and choose to be cold and cruel but it means that when they choose to be kind..... it doesnt negate the cruelty but its still indescribable.. and being able to see that and remember that even after all the pain..... 

ugh still just thinking about the times ive gone through something that changed me and having the cold numb fear that i would never be the same as i was before that i would lose some precious part of me forever and wondering if this would be the thing that finally did it... i dont know if ive ever actually experienced a piece of media that really make me think about that tbh

“Stop thinking so highly of yourself! I don’t need you to teach me anything, I can learn on my own. If you represent heaven’s will, then something like heaven’s will should be destroyed!” - why is defying the heavens so sexy.... keep it up (edit after white no-face identity reveal: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!)

the fact that xie lian went through what he did and got nothing out of it and in fact lost everything he had left due to the trauma,,,,, but just one person is enough for him to willingly offer to do it again, even if all he could save is one person,,,,,, crying again.... and who it is who takes it all on instead... ok...

“After all, everyone knew that Mu Qing ascended because he cleaned up all the remaining stubborn resentful spirits in the old capital of Xianle, so to understand it as “generous and kind” wasn’t unreasonable. In any case, everyone in the old capital of Xianle were all very grateful for him.” - its not unreasonable at all!!! this boy picks cherries for his mom and the neighborhood kids leave him alone

“Shaking his head, Xie Lian contemplated, then he ladled two large bowls of rice, one offered inside the Temple of Ju Yang, the other inside the Temple of Xuan Zhen. Finally, feeling that everything served its purpose, he clapped his hands close, completely satisfied.” - please i just want them to be friends again

ruoye........ xie lian bidding farewell to the tiny red flower.... ok i feel a totally normal amount about all these things

book 5 time!!!

xie lian king of taking a third option.. no one dies in the kiln at all we’re just leaving bitch

“Xie Lian didn’t know why he had to use his hands to cup Hua Cheng’s cheeks, but he did so subconsciously, probably so he could comfort him, but also because Xie Lian was afraid Hua Cheng’s face would be frostbitten by the snowstorm.” - gay people.....

“This giant stone divine statue must’ve been sculpted when Hua Cheng was trapped inside the Kiln, when he was severely beaten down and in intense suffering.” - ohhhh my god. okay. okay. look. i get it....

“The divine statue obeyed his command and took off with a gigantic, wide step, going along with the rolling current of snow. One slide was several miles, and the snow waves it created crashed around its body. Because both its arms were open, even though it was a body of a million tons, it still maintained good balance.” - HELL YEAH!! HELL YEAH LETS FUCKING GO LETS GOOOOO

the statue that requires transfers of spiritual energy... statue of make you kiss me i see how it is.....

“Hearing this, Hua Cheng raised his brows, his expression seeming to say, please have them beat each other to death, that’d be great.” - when you dont like your SO’s friends and they dont like you

“With a sharp sword in hand, Xie Lian was like a tiger with wings added, his might increasing exponentially, and he struck out!” - YES!!! GET EM!!!!

“No one could blame him for not knowing what was going on. Perhaps, he was confused the entire way: Why was he beaten? Why was he buried inside a wall? Why was he turned into a daruma doll? And why did he have to turn into a sword, too? There was not a single point where he’d figured out what was happening.” its okay qyz its okay i know honey me too

HELLO?? SQX IS BACK???? omg what a development omg omg okay okay interesting... okay so shi wudu would have rather died than lose everything but shi qingxuan is still trucking

“Hua Cheng responded lazily, “Oh? So you mean to say, beggars can’t save the world? Is it because they don’t have the ability to, or because they’re not worthy?” - KING okay i know this is a motivational tactic but also... who was it who took on all the souls for the human face disease and did in fact save the world back then hmmm?

absolutely enthralled by the fact that in chapter 207 we find out that the guoshi is in fact just. still here. and the name of the chapter is "Seeking Affection; Ghost King Fakes Displeasure” which i mean that happens too but fjasdlkfajsld

bruh okay. okay. okay. everything is happening okay. okay. chaos in the heavens okay. ling wen is still invited to kiss me on the mouth tho idc

“Indeed Yin Yu didn’t have enough confidence, and said weakly, “Chengzhu has shown me grace, he saved me…” “I know,” Jun Wu said. “He even helped you pacify and send off the resentful spirit of Jian Yu, who died during banishment, am I right?” - awww im glad they resolved that bit that whole situation was awful also give me the forbidden hua cheng ghost king lore...

“Yin Yu finally couldn’t take it anymore. He clenched his fists tight, his knuckles cracking, and he whipped around. “I DO RESENT HIM! I DO HATE HIM!!! BUT, SO WHAT??” - yin yu kiss me on the mouth right now

“Xie Lian hugged him. “It’s alright, it’s alright. These are all small matters, really. Your Highness Yin Yu, just live in this world for another few hundred years and you’ll know that none of that really matters. Either driven to madness or really wishing someone would die, whichever. Who in the world has never had such thoughts? I’ve even thought of massacring all in the world who had wronged me, it’s true, and no lie, I’d almost done it. But look at me, haven’t I shamelessly lived until now? You haven’t actually done anything in the end, and that’s the most important thing.” - he’s right im crying again

“But…in the end, I…still think…it’s so unfair,” Yin Yu sobbed. “If I was already destined to be no one remarkable, then at the very least, I…wanted to be a kind and perfect person. But…I couldn’t even do that. It’s really…so unfair. And truth to be told, even in this moment, just thinking that I’m dying for Yizhen, this little dummy, I still can’t get over it. I can’t even let go and die with a heart with no resentment and no regrets, what is that.” - YIN YU YOU CANT DIE NOOOOOOO youre the only man in this whole book i would kiss why does this always happen im actually really sad ;_;

“If the Rain Master was killed directly, and a better heavenly official couldn’t be found to replace her, the people put food above all else; if agriculture isn’t running smoothly, the world will be thrown into chaos. You don’t let people eat, people won’t give you a job. Besides being displeased with the Rain Master, the people of the world might also begin to be dissatisfied with the great god above Rain Master’s head. Which means, if he isn’t careful, the fire can burn all the way onto him. If things aren’t controlled adequately, it might incur riots to topple gods.” - rain master my friend rain master... also yes!!!!! food production!!!! critical!!!!!!! theres a lot you can get by without but food is not one of them!!!!!

“Feng Xin was Xie Lian’s servant, his good friend, but not his slave. He could’ve built his own home, had his own family. And he had actually already met those people, but the encounter just had to be during Xie Lian’s first banishment, the toughest days they suffered back then.” i am very sad about all of this

hua cheng in the palace of ling wen looking for the brocade immortal while the heavens are in complete chaos as the world turns on its head and STILL taking the time to beg for kisses is making me lose it fjalkdfjlsd

oh my god the guoshi and the cards thing..... hmmmm

delighted that mount tong’lu has such great significance beyond just being the kiln or whatever

hmmm crown prince of wuyong... its truly sad... but dude.....

the way that the heavenly capital is literally built out of previous gods... wow

the outright attempt to continue to cycle of trauma that failed simply bc 1. xie lian is his own person and 2. xie lian recieved kindness and gave it back to the world even to the people who refused to help him im ;_;

the absolute mess of xuan ji/rong guang/pei su/banyue/ke mo going down in the palace of ming guang... entertainment

okay i think im to a point where i dont have any possible spoiler knowledge in my brain about what happens next (only thing i have is theres a joke about he xuan eating that i dont understand yet and i think we might get like an emily corpse bride moment but if we do i dont know why) but oh my god things have escalated

[smartbutuncertified]

Trans Sam: Angst Edition

Okay so. A lot of my trans man Sam headcanons are wish fulfillment. But Consider. In canon Dean is VERY Gender Roles, and he's implied to have gotten that from John being as bad or worse about them.

Sam suppressing himself because he already feels enough like a freak. Remember the statement about, as a child, not feeling pure enough to go on a quest like Galahad? His feeling of not fitting his body amplifies that. He doesn't want to tell anyone that his skin doesn't fit right, doesn't move right compared to the pictures in his head. He tries, he tries damn hard to be a girl correctly. Until his rebellious stage at 17-18, where he started arguing with John and refusing to wear skirts or makeup for any reason.

Then he goes to Stanford, still fuming. But there, his goal is to be normal. Which means trying to fit himself back into the girl mold that he'd just barely started getting out of. He still never wears the weird club clothes that had been gotten for him to try to lure suspects (ew but John WOULD ask him to) but he wears sensible skirts and sensible makeup to perform being a Girl correctly. He even gets a boyfriend sophomore year, Tyson Brady, a pre-med student. Two years into their relationship, he quietly confesses to Ty that sometimes his skin feels wrong, that he feels like he should be taller, broader in the shoulders, thinner in the hips.

Ty remembers a psychology lecture "Sam, do you know what dysphoria is?"

Three weeks later, Ty is burning on the ceiling. And Sam's on the road with Dean after having a gender crisis, a subsequent sexuality crisis, and then a dead-boyfriend crisis. Dean, who is as masculine and gender-roles as they come.

He stuffs down his feelings again. Now isn't the time. He's old enough now to refuse to wear skimpy clothes to bait suspects, but still wears makeup because if he doesn't, Dean cracks endless jokes about him being naked or looking sick. At least Dean seems okay with him mostly wearing pants and lots of shirt layers. Hunting practicality before casual sexism.

The next two years sort of blur for Sam. He does small things, like wearing leather and dull metal jewelry instead of sparkly necklaces, and calling himself a man in his head. It feels ridiculously good, but that typically only lasts about an hour or so between Dean’s remarks about how girly and prissy he is. It’s not fair, if he doesn’t act like a girl, Dean complains that he’s messy and weird, and if he does, Dean insults him. He hates it, but has no idea how to communicate why he hates it without communicating a whole lot of other things that he is in no way ready to tell.

There is a weird thing, though. Sometimes monsters gender him correctly. There doesn’t seem to be a pattern to which ones do it, but a Trickster, two ghosts, and a werewolf figure him out. God, he missed Madison.

Then comes Dean’s demon deal, and Sam stops working on his own problems. He drops everything to try to save Dean. He doesn’t perform femininity except when he has to, but doesn’t work towards making himself more comfortable either. He doesn’t present as male or female, he presents as a mess. That’s probably why the Trickster called him a he. And it’s all for naught.

When Dean dies, in comes Ruby. And here, she brings more than demon blood. Everyone in Hell knows that Sam is meant to be the Boy King. So she also brings Sam being gendered correctly consistently, help using his makeup to masculinize instead of feminize, and a binder. Eventually, once she gets him taking blood, she also gets him some T shots. He’s a little afraid to ask where they’re from, but he trusts her, and honestly, he’s riding high on this new “acceptance” thing.

Then Dean comes back. Instead of Sam being in bed with Ruby, she warns him that Dean is coming, and he has about thirty seconds to decide what to do. So he shoves on a loose shirt to hide his binder, and is, for once, glad that T is not a miracle worker. So they have their confusing fight about how Dean thinks that Sam brought him back. Sam decides to keep quiet about Ruby and everything until Dean calms down.

Then Cas comes in and starts referring to Sam as “the Boy with the Demon Blood.”

This baffles Dean on several levels, and he tells Cas “Knock it off, she’s my sister.” Cas is confused, Sam’s soul is clearly male, surely Dean would know that? But Dean is the Righteous Man, referring to Sam as female is a trivial change for him, and apparently makes Dean much calmer. 

But other angels and demons keep speaking of Sam as “the Boy King” and so on. Which is weirdly affirming to Sam, who quietly stopped taking T so that nothing that Dean would notice would change, but it also scares him a bit how pissed Dean gets over them calling him a man. He hides his binder more carefully.

After the blur of Lucifer’s release, when Castiel finally comes over to their side, he is curious. “Dean, why do you refer to Sam as female and insist that others do as well?” “Uh, she’s a girl? It’s weird to hear people call her a man, dude.” Sam winces, but stays quiet. There’s enough to deal with right now, and he doesn’t really deserve to air his problems at the moment. Cas notices, but figures that if Sam doesn’t say anything, he’ll continue to do as Dean says. After all, Dean is Sam’s commander, surely he knows better.

Then comes Dean’s trip to the future. Where he sees a fully male-presenting Sam possessed by Lucifer. And so is cemented the connection that the title of “Boy King” had begun. That Sam being “masculine” (aka being a man) is inextricably connected to Bad Things.

Then, the trip to heaven. Where Dean sees Sam’s soul for the first time, sees a Sam who is taller and broader than him, undeniably a man.. Sees memories of Sam pretending to be a boy before his chest grew in, and enjoying it. Sees a memory of Ty calling him his boyfriend and Sam just lighting up. This, notably, after it’s been connected in Dean’s mind that Sam being a man is a Bad Thing. And Dean’s never liked Sam having secrets from him, for any reason.

Need I specify that this goes poorly?

The rest of season 5 goes on with Dean viciously and forcefully denying Sam’s masculinity, policing his appearance and behaviors, then continuing to sneer at him for being girly. Honestly, at the end of it, it’s almost a relief, though a temporary one, to jump into the Cage. Even if he can’t even exist correctly, at least Sam can do something in his life right. 

This is how far I’ve gotten with this au so far. Thoughts, anyone? Replies, reblogs, messages, and asks are all welcome.

@archangelgabriellives, @team-gabriel, @guess-im-me